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Hi everyone!

I hope you enjoyed the first week of the 30 day challenge. Hopefully by now you have written your affirmations and are repeating them daily. You should have finished your Declaration To Self and placed it somewhere you can review it often.

I know this is quite a bit of work but I promise you it’s worth it!

If you follow this series diligently it should set up a habit to prioritize your personal growth and healing throughout your life…which is so important.

Click here if you would like to listen to 30 Days To Empowered Self Week 2

Before we get into this week’s exercises I would like to announce what the prizes are for participating in the 30 Days To Empowered Self Challenge.

Since the Quanta Freedom Healing modules were released in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program in 2011, thousands of people have grown and benefitted from Quanta Freedom’s ability to heal and realign their emotions, energy and belief systems – which as we know suffered traumatically during narcissistic abuse.

I still receive countless emails every day telling me how much of a miracle Quanta Freedom Healing is, and how people can’t believe the literal life transformations that take place because of it.

The truth is I know Quanta Freedom Healing allows miracles to occur.

I use it on myself daily!

Since I returned from Bali I have been working on creating a brand new set of Quanta Freedom Healing Modules for people who have overcome the pain of narcissistic abuse. This is for the people who are ready to move forward and create an even more empowered sense of freedom and personal growth.

The new Quanta Freedom Healing modules will align your energy and belief systems with self-love, self-worth, self-confidence, deservedness, independency and interdependency, and the assertiveness to set and hold self-honouring boundaries.

These Quanta Freedom Healings will provide you with the next level of your healing and self-empowerment.

I am putting these 10 new modules together with the Empowered Self journaling eCourse and it will be released at the end of the 30 Days To Empowered Self.

I will be giving away the first 5 brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Courses in a draw at the end of the 30 days.

To go into the draw for one of these brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Courses all you need to do is post your progress questions at the end of each lesson in the comments below the article (you must answer each question in each of the four lessons).

 

Why You Need to Shift From Co-dependency to Independency

The human condition has programmed us to believe that our ‘power’ and ‘worth’ had to be provided by the levels of love, approval and success we received from outside of ourselves.

The problem with these beliefs is that we engage with life from a position of pain and fear (inner emptiness), rather than expressing fullness, confidence and healthy beliefs.

Rather than be in ‘the moment’ in our personal power, we carry the scars of the past (our unhealed wounds), and the consequent fear of the future. Inherently on the inside we feel powerless and unworthy, because we have not yet achieved what we want to achieve.

As a result of not yet establishing a solid sense of self, we need things to have certain outcomes in order to feel okay about ourself, and if they don’t we default back to feeling unlovable and unworthy.

When we render other people responsible for our wellbeing we hand our power over to them. We believe we can only feel valued and loved if these people are granting us the right amount of approval and love.

The amount which makes up for the approval and love we are not granting ourself.

The bigger our internal emptiness, the more neediness we will carry, the higher our expectations are of ‘being filled’ by others, and the more energy we require from others in order to feel ‘whole’.

Our entire emotional state can become precariously poised on how another person is or isn’t behaving towards us.

Rather than have high expectations and demands, you may instead accept the blame, have very poor boundaries, and do whatever it takes to keep this person in your life and try and gain this person’s approval. If you are being abused you may find it almost impossible to let go and honour and approve of yourself.

The motto of the co-dependent is: You are responsible for my emotional wellbeing because I don’t know how to take care of my own.

What this means is your life is reliant upon what others are or aren’t doing. You are prone to enmeshment and unhealthy emotional dependencies. Rather than be able to take responsibility and manage and heal your own painful feelings you make someone else responsible for them.

When they don’t take responsibility for your inner emptiness and pain you feel victimised, resentful and powerless.

If you continue this painful path and do not develop a solid sense of self you will continue to draw others with similar emptiness and pain into your life.

People can only grant us ‘more of ourself’, which means the energy of our emptiness and need to gain love and approval from the outside stops people wanting to connect to us fully, and / or sets up a dynamic whereby we will tolerate abuse and mistreatment from the people who do want to connect.

As a result of our fears of abandonment and rejection we try to model ourselves by navigating everything which is ‘going on’ for another person. By doing this we lose essential power and truth within ourself.

We then experience more pain and fear, and end up co-creating in these painful dynamics our biggest fears – more abandonment and rejection.

Where did we go wrong?

The truth is: we started from a place of not knowing or being our own source of fulfilment.

By entering into enmeshed relationships of trading external energy (I want you to take away my emptiness, unworthiness and pain for me) we lose even more pieces of ourself.

Theses relationships do not enhance the participants – they strip energy away. The power struggle of trying to make another person responsible for the way we feel becomes more and more pronounced from both sides.

Healthy relationships share and grow energy from a place of self-fullness, joy and authenticity.

Unhealthy relationships take and strip energy through force, pain, helplessness and manipulation.

So today, finally we are going to say “No More” to co-dependency! Together we are going to commit this week on rewriting our script and shifting from co-dependency to independency.

I’m going to help you become a solid source to yourself!

 

Day 1 – Awareness Exercise

This exercise is powerful – and incredibly revealing.

When I first started working on my co-dependency issues I ticked virtually every point on this list. I was shocked at how co-dependent I was! I had always thought that because I was intelligent, capable and ‘confident’ that I couldn’t be!

Until this point, a few years ago, I thought co-dependents were ‘flimsy’ people. Often this is far from the truth, and the exact opposite applies. Like myself many intelligent and capable people can have high-levels of co-dependent behaviour.

I know that if you too approach this exercise with great self-honesty, humility, and self-openness you will gain huge insight into why your life has been painful, and why it isn’t working out for you the way you would dearly like it to.

The wonderful thing is that by understanding what we are doing that isn’t serving us we can do something to turn it all around!

So please embrace this exercise whole-heartedly. It will be worth it if you do!

Go through the following list and give an honest answer to the following questions. A ‘Yes’ is applicable even if there is one person or a certain time (even if infrequent) that you may have or do that relevant thought, feeling or action.

  • Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think about you?
  • Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?
  • Do you often analyse other people’s lives?
  • Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?
  • Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?
  • Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?
  • When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?
  • Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?
  • Do you blame other people for the way you feel?
  • Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?
  • Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?
  • Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?
  • Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?
  • Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?
  • Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself?
  • Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?
  • Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?
  • Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?
  • Do you to try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?
  • Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves?
  • Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?
  • Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?

 

It’s very important (as always) not to judge yourself, and feel ‘bad’ that you are co-dependent. We were all programmed to be this way.

In fact co-dependency is the ‘normal’ human condition (hence why the normal human condition is so painful).

Without self-awareness it would be virtually impossible for you to not be co-dependent. We were all taught to look to the outside. And told it was selfish not to!

Was it usual to have role models who encouraged self-love and how to be a solid and whole emotional source to ourself?

I think we know the answer to that is a resounding NO!

The truth is breaking free from co-dependency (as you will learn) has nothing to do with self-absorption, it is to do with self-awareness, which is essential in order to accept, know and relate to yourself healthily and THEN to be able to accept, know and relate to other people in healthy and real  win / win ways.

In fact the most self-absorbed people have a very poorly defined sense of self. This is exactly the reason why they struggle to relate to other people in genuine, healthy or mutually beneficial ways.

Without self-awareness, and becoming a solid source to yourself, you are not bringing a healthy or real person as yourself to any interaction.

Working on releasing your co-dependency tendencies is not only the most loving thing you can do for yourself, it will also create a much healthier truth for everyone in your life, and a greater and deeper connection with every person you interact with.

It will create relationships based on ‘realness’.

It is very important to not judge your results if you have many of these points ticked. Be really glad that you can identify where you are acting out co-dependently, so that you will be able to focus on healing these interactions.

Embrace your answers with openness and fascination, self-love and the intention to heal and set yourself free.

Boy will your life change when you start releasing this stuff!

 

Day 2-4 Releasing Co-Dependency Exercise

This exercise is the essential next step.

It is one thing to know where you are playing out co-dependency, but it is only through understanding why you do what you do that you are going to be able to truly change your behaviour.

How can we change our behaviour? The only real answer is – change your beliefs.

How do we change our beliefs? By going to our original wounds which set up our painful beliefs and making what was once unconscious now conscious.

To do Exercise 2 please go back to the co-dependent checklist and feel into each point that you answered as ‘Yes’.

Now feel into which of these points hurts the most. Which of these points causes the most pain in your life? Go down your list and rate the pain from a 1 – 10.

1 meaning I barely feel any pain, 10 meaning I am in agony!

Now re-write your list from the most to least painful.

Now starting with the most painful of your co-dependent behaviours ask yourself “Why do I do this?” and really feel into the pain when you ask yourself this question – take yourself into the pain without fear or self-judgement.

Your infinite inner wisdom will start granting you the answers.

You may have childhood memories come up regarding how your parents responded to you, or how your parents behaved themselves. Maybe a painful relationship has caused you to create adapted behaviour that isn’t serving you now.

Write down everything that comes up for you.

A simplified example is this one….

I find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when I feel uncomfortable. In response to this point something like this may come up for you.

‘I can see in my imagination now my father yelling at me, and sometimes he hit me when I had an opinion that was different to his. I also remember being told I was stupid or selfish if I didn’t agree with what my parents told me to do. I was taught that my opinion was irrelevant and worthless.’

Now ask yourself “What is my fear in regard to why I behave like this?”

This part is very important. It helps you get in touch with your fears and defences as to why you are handing over your power and truth. Just by exposing and getting very real with yourself about these fears they will loosen their grip on you.

You response may be something like this.

‘I fear being punished. I fear the pain of being told I am stupid and selfish. I am scared of people rejecting me, abandoning me and hurting me if I speak up.’

Now that you have the awareness of what areas of your life are co-dependent, and the fears associated with why you have been co-dependent, it is time to rewrite your script and develop your new independent behaviour.

To assist you to develop your new independent reality (which will we will be covering in Exercise 3) please read the following the mantras.

 

Independency Mantras

1. I am my own source of validation

It is essential to understand no-one is going to grant you the approval that you need to grant to yourself. If you judge yourself harshly – others will also. This means rather than being your own worst enemy you need to become much friendlier to yourself. You need to speak to yourself in ways that are self-approving, encouraging and loving. Close intimates in your life can only ultimately see and experience you as you see and experience yourself.

2. It’s no one’s job to give me my fulfillment but my own

If you believe your life can only be fulfilling with a love partner (as an example) then you are waiting for someone else to grant you yourself – which is impossible and will only create enmeshment, external power seeking, and ultimately more disappointment and emptiness.

Your total mission is to create your life, feel joy in your life, look after yourself in the ways you would like to live, and provide yourself with fulfilment and happiness. It is no-one else’s job.

Then you will share yourself healthily and lovingly with others, rather than leaning on them or trying to make them dependent on you in order to try and gain unauthentic energy and fulfilment.

No-one else can make you happy –  you and they can only share happiness.

3. It’s not my responsibility to fix others

Breaking free of co-dependency is the understanding that everyone’s journey is their journey regardless of what it looks like. If we attempt to fix other people this is generally born from the fear that our life will not be comfortable, safe or healthy unless we change what this other person is or isn’t doing.

Trying to fix other people never works. If they are not willing to take responsibility for themself, by us trying to take responsibility for them all we do is set ourselves up to have their unhealed parts projected on to us.

Releasing co-dependency is about living the model of unconditional love to yourself and others. It means allowing others to be who they choose to be and loving ourselves enough to be the director and creator of our own life.

4. Don’t take things personally

Of course constructive and even accurate criticism can be helpful in our life. However there are times in our life when other people’s comments, expectations and assessments of us can feel uncomfortable and even abusive. It is very important to understand that other people’s opinions and actions are just a projection of their own reality. This reality does not need to be your reality unless you choose to accept it.

5. My needs are my number 1 priority

This may sound selfish. But if you examine it closer you will see that it is actually the opposite.

Think of this – in an aeroplane you are instructed that in times of emergency you must put your oxygen mask on first, and then assist others with their mask.

There is a very good reason for this…

You cannot influence others in a positive or solid way unless you are WELL yourself.

If you are not healthy and well within yourself then your capacity to connect to and help others diminishes. To be able to fully experience the joy of serving others you must always ensure your emotional and physical wellbeing is catered to first.

6. Be solid within myself rather than trying to work out what everyone else wants me to be

If your energy and focus is placed outside of yourself you will always be ascertaining other people and then adapting yourself into who you think they want you to be.

As soon as your power is away from your centre and focused on what others are or aren’t doing, and how they are or aren’t responding to you, you will be anxious. You have lost the essential connection to your own power centre and emotional mastery.

By analysing others you will only create an uncomfortable energy exchange where not only you, but others will feel uneasy, scrutinised, and start pulling away from you, or will not feel that they can connect to and trust you.

Stop doing this and simply focus on being the best, healthiest and most comfortable with yourself that you can be – then you and others will flow, relate and connect so much easier because your energy will be comfortable, authentic, solid, easy and attractive to be around.

7. The only thing I can control is myself

You are your centre of influence. The truth is you don’t have any control over anything outside of your own thoughts, emotions and behaviours. This means that everything you try to control other than yourself is ultimately uncontrollable.

When you have a problem in your life seek to control your own emotions, thoughts and behaviours and let go of anything outside of your control.

This will reduce a lot of frustration and wasted effort.

I suggest you print out these mantras, and have them somewhere where you can refer to them often. Make the intention to adopt these truths as a way of life, and you will know you really do deserve to break free of painful co-dependency tendencies and empower yourself.

You are not healing just for yourself. You are healing to influence life and others in much more fulfilling and healthier ways.

 

Day 5-7 Rewriting the Script Exercise

Now it is time to consciously formulate a new and more empowered way of living.

Establishing new habits isn’t always easy and that’s why the last exercise is dedicated to practically formulating how you are going to instill your new independent way of living.

Once you have a clear plan of how you are going to change, it will make it much easier for you to bring these changes into reality.

As with all things that force us outside of our comfort zone, it might be scary at first, but I know you can do it!

Once again you are going to refer the questions you answered ‘Yes’ to in Question 1.

Refer to the independency mantras above and for each point you answered ‘Yes’ I want you to write in detail how you are going to emotionally and practically turn it around for yourself and begin acting from your own solid sense of self.

Write at least half a page for each question you answered ‘Yes’.

Example: I often say ‘yes’ even when I really want to say ‘no.’

‘When asked to do something for someone I will check in with myself, listen to my emotions and my level of comfort. I know there is no value in assisting others to the detriment of myself.

If I do have the time and resources to assist and the request is reasonable I will assist. My emotional navigation will allow me to know if this is the case.

If my emotional inner truth feels ‘wrong’ I know I will be depleting myself to say ‘Yes’ and / or if I did my motives are actually about earning approval from this person and self-sacrificing myself in order to do this.

I also know that if I say ‘Yes’ whilst feeling umbrage I set up unhealthy energy exchanges where I will feel let down if this person does not put themselves out for me in the future or does not reciprocate my self-sacrificial behaviour.

As such I am going to begin honouring myself, and my resources, and no longer engage in self-sacrificing behaviour in order to try to win love and approval.

I now know I am becoming my own source of approval, and I am no longer going to sabotage my own solidness with myself by approval seeking and going against my truth. If this person does not approve of me because I have not said ‘Yes’ that is fine, I am more than enough for myself.

I will be direct, not justify and will not make excuses for my answer. I will be calm and clear, without feeling guilty. If another time could work better for me I can say “I would love to help, but I have other commitments now, can I help another time?” If I simply am not comfortable with the request I will say “No, I really am not comfortable with that.”

By being a solid sense of self I know that people will honour my honesty and my boundary – and if they don’t then these are not the people I wish to have in my life. If people do not respect my boundary – I will still say “No” and chose to honour myself. I don’t have to make them agree, or ‘get’ me. It is important that I ‘get’ myself.’

 

Week 2 Progress Questions

I truly hope that you have enjoyed these exercises and received benefit from them.

I know this is a lot of work on self, and this will take up time and effort – but please know if we don’t go within we will go without…

How much time do we waste in life going around and around in the same painful circles. Years? Decades? Lifetimes? This is why work on yourself is such an incredible and worthwhile investment, and worth donating much time and effort to – absolutely.

The payoff is freedom, happiness, fulfilment, real love and all the good stuff!

After you have completed this week’s exercises please post your progress questions below to be eligible for the draw to win my brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course.

Exercise One:

Okay let’s be honest! How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to? After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life? What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally?

Exercise Two:

When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? What realisations has this granted you? How do you feel about this now?

Exercise Three:

How did you feel about reframing these times when you know you aren’t being authentic? Do you feel like you can apply yourself to changing these co-dependent patterns? Can you feel the difference this will make to outcomes in your life?

The responses for last’s weeks installment were fantastic! I am overjoyed by how many of you are committing to yourself and taking action in your personal growth.

Keep it up! Continue to dig deep, heal, create and claim the True You!

I’m so incredibly proud of you all!

 

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Commments (100) + Leave a comments

100 thoughts on “30 Days To Empowered Self Week 2 – Shifting From Co-dependency To Independency

  1. Ah Melanie~~I have found my strength! I suspected information hoarding, co-mingling of corporate funds etc for some time with the X narcissit. Today I got myself an attorney and I think the bully is going to have to start behaving. I realized one file drawer of the business file cabinet was locked and I had a lock smith come unlock it. Very empowering.I will not tolerate the games of prjection, deflection, gas lighting and so forth. With the help of my attorney we will call him out each time he breaks a boundary. By the way, my attorney’s best friend is in the middle of divorcing a narcissi. ( She says my stories parallel her friend’s) I offered to tell her about your web site because she struggled with the no contact rule. It feels wonderful and I am brave despite feeling scared at times. I still do what I must to take care of me. Many thanks!

  2. Dear Melanie,
    I have come a long way, through counseling, reading your news letter and working the steps 30 days to an empowered life. It is very difficult to look yourself in the mirror. To admit your mother was narcissic and then your husband…. But I am doing well and fighting the inter voice of “I’m not good enough”. I am going through a divorce – another abusive process -and only have contact with my ex via email and text. He doesn’t follow the parenting plan and doesn’t pay child support. Not my problem. My job is to take care of me and the girls and that is what I am doing. When the time is right I will start dating. But for now I have more work to do.

    Thank you,
    Martha

    1. Hi Martha,

      Yes at first it is difficult to look ourself in the mirror – but until we do life is only going to hurt 🙂 So it is great that you are doing this, and make sure you love and accept yourself unconditionally ‘warts and all’.

      We all have unhealed parts…without exception – the only question really is “Am I going to love myself enough to admit them and attend to them”..and by doing so enormous relief, breakthroughs and healing begins.

      It is important to keep working on you, and absolutely only start dating when you have done enough healing to be happy and fulfilled in your own skin.

      Keep going, do the healing – and you will break through.

      Mel xo

  3. Hi Melanie,

    I scored 20/22 to exercise 1!!!!

    Here I was thinking I was doing ok after the NARP program. I must admit I was tired of doing work on myself and was hoping I had dealt with everything. Ha! I realise now that I’m only half way.

    What I love is that you provide ‘the how’ to do this that many counsellors, psychologists etc just don’t do. I know that I have spent my life so far being so fearful of rejection and disapproval that I put everyone else first and often said yes to things when I really wanted to say no.

    I love the seven mantras of independency! Especially the one that says my needs are my number one priority. I think the biggest task for me is really knowing what it is that I really want to do in situations. I’ve spent so long doing what others want that I never considered my own feelings about things.

    This is a big step for me and one that I need to really master. As a wife and mother for most of my life I learned to put myself last. I guess I thought it meant I was being a good wife and good mother? It is what my mother did.

    I have really started to enjoy yoga and I still feel guilty leaving my teenage children at home to go to class. I’m working on this because it makes me feel so good that it’s exactly like putting on my oxygen mask first.

    Thank you again for your wonderful work. The NARP program saved my life and now this work is changing it.

    I was definitely hoping for a relationship to come to my life and fulfill me. Now I clearly see why that was not happening. I have to be my source of fulfillment and I’m definitely in the process now of achieving this.

    Lots of love Kellie.

    1. Hi Kellie,

      Wow you are right up there with my inital score! (lol)

      Great honesty…I love this!

      It is great to realise when we have more to do, and get into it with gusto – and why wouldn’t we when we want to feel as authentically good as possible and create a joyous life!

      It’s not time to hang your boots up yet my love!

      I truly do not like the contemporary models. I don’t believe that going to someone to discuss your problems, have no methods of deeply embracing them or reframing them (let alone finding them – which no-one else can do other than our own infinite inner wisdom), and then simply regurgitating them with some ‘methods’ to try to manage them – ever TRULY healed anyone!

      (Just my opinion and experience personally and with countless clients who tried the contemporary path for years / decades)

      This is so wonderful that you are realising what has been holding you back, and what you need to do in order to grow and heal.

      This week, will be amaazing for you! 🙂

      You are so welcome Kellie, and I am so pleased you are able to share your growth and healing with this community!

      Mel xo

  4. I think I’ve mentioned the lost twin dynamic before , and I know that I am in some sort of co dependent relationship with the sister I lost in the womb.I know somewhere in my mind I think that I am honoring my sister by staying attached to her and giving her psychological space in my own mind but I need help to let her go because it feels like I’m keeping her corpse in a room in my house, and that’s not normal.I know once I’ve let go , I will also be letting go of all these unhealthy patterns with her and I will be able to get on with living my own life.

    1. HI Andrew,

      from a past-life perspective – and this is what I feel intuitively – your symbiotic relationship with your sister goes a great deal deeper than just this lifetime.

      I would highly suggest energetic healing to help you heal the connection and ‘let go’ at a deep inner level with love.

      Some of these things are just ‘too big’ to do without the help of deeper healing processes.

      My suggestion would be Quanta Freedom Healing, or fionding a very good kinesiologist.

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Andrew,
      I am very moved by your situation..
      I wanted to tell you about a book that I am reading that might resonate with you.
      It’s called Your Soul’s Gift, The Healing Power of the Life You Planned before You Were Born. The author is Robert Schwartz. I find it deeply engaging and a very easy read. You can check it out on Amazon and download the first couple of chapters for no charge to see if you want to purchase the book.
      I so hope that through Melanie’s suggestions or this book , or something in your own heart, that you will find the thread to begin to release this, for you and for your dear sister’s soul.
      Xxx
      Namaste

      1. Hi Val,
        thankyou for your support by reccommending the book, I read the free chapters and it is helping to keep me going. Sometimes it makes it easier knowing that all this suffering is’nt for nothing,that there is a bigger picture. I have read books similar in the past about life inbetween lives and it does give an added perspective.I actually lost a brother too in the womb and that affects me in a different way to the loss of my sister. The loss of my brother is a difficult one because somehow it causes bleedover from a parallell lifetime, and both the loss of my sister and brother have recapitulated many times over by other losses such as being taken away from my mum as a baby , my grandfather dying just before I was 4 years old , then my father abandoning me when I was 6. I actually developed seperation anxiety after my grandfather died and my father really broke my heart when he stopped coming to see me, so I have wounds to both male and female which are quite deep and you just have to keep plodding away until the breakthroughs come:)

        1. Hi Andrew,
          These are such deep and repetitive losses for a child. I don’t think we ever get over them , just heal so we can live and find our identity. I was abandoned by both parents as a 4 year old and never met my siblings until I was a young adult, so I do understand when you write below about sometimes feeling like you don’t exist…especially when outer things dissolve as they always will… With such deep wounds Andrew I do feel that you will benefit greatly from working personally with Melanie. Just when you are ready email her or phone and healing will begin from there….meanwhile and as well it is great to know you are here in this community of love and learning and I look forward to hearing how you are doing . You are already teaching and guiding others Andrew as well as healing , re what you said about it not being for nothing. We are all students and teachers, don’t you think.?
          Val.

  5. Exercise One:

    How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to?

    16/22

    After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life?

    I’ve known that I’ve had codependency issues. After all, I grew up in an alcoholic home. But what I did not realize was that analyzing other people’s lives, their thoughts, actions, words, motivations, etc was a codependent behavior. I had always been interested in psychology and counselling, and I thought that my analyzing others – and being good at it – was a sign that I had the potential for being an awesome counselor.

    What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally?

    One of the biggest codependent areas for me is to be recognized – for the good person that I am, for my intelligence, for my creativity. I want to know that people are talking about me in a positive and glowing manner, that they actually care about me, that they think that I am the cat’s pajamas and the best thing since sliced bread.

    Basically, I want to feel valued, as I have not received that in my life.

    1. Hi Neringa,

      Personally I have never liked the definition of having to live in a substance abusing family to be labelled as co-dependent (not that you necessarily believe this), and I beleive that this definition is incredibly shallow and nowhere near the truth.

      We were all modelled to be co-dependent regardless of the family we grew up in! None of us were taught spiritual (energy) truths, which is that we create everything in our life from ‘within’ and that our focus on ‘the outside’ in fact stripped all of us from where authentic power needs to be healthily (for ourselves AND others) which is firmly the foundation of ‘know thy self’.
      The analysing of others, can be a trap when you are interested in psychology / counselling – however, our first and foremost commitment is to analyse ourselves, deeply and from within.

      Now you can understand from doing this exercise, and as per working through week 2, that the only true value you can create is between you and you.

      Then you will not be ‘needy’ in any shape or form to receive it, and ironically (though not at all) life will easily bring you ‘more of you’ in abundance.

      Life is only ever capable of ‘adding more’ of who we are to ourself.

      Thanks for sharing Neringa 🙂

      Mel xo

  6. Hi Melanie,

    I am a little puzzled, I really honestly can answer only a very half-hearted yes to only 3 of those questions and the rest are a resounding ‘no’!

    So what am I doing on your website? Why did I fall prey to a narcissist? Admittedly the relationship did not completely follow the script common to so many people who post here (I kept a fair bit of my independence and I never thought he was my ideal partner), although his behaviours certainly did – other people’s experiences fascinate me because narcissists are so predictable, almost like one personality in many bodies.

    I guess I have to look more closely at issues surrounding those questions where I could sort of answer yes.

    1. Hi Amy,

      what you need to do is go back to your relationship with the narcissist. FEEL into that and re-answer the questions as to how you behaved when you were with him.

      Because you will have played them out with him – which means you were susceptible to being with a narc – (handing your power over).

      Try that and come back to post here 🙂

      Mel xo

  7. Hi, It was an exercise of granduer for me, I have been stuck for months in trying to work out what patterns I had that were so bad, that the Universe had to send this person that was so detached from there soul to teach me to love myself. I thought I was a nice person so when everyone was saying ‘ Like attracts Like ‘ I couldnt get it.
    Your exercise put me saying ‘YES’ 19 times and as I went through the exercise I couldnt stop crying and was overwhelmed with emotion and felt so sick. That poor little kid, l just wanted to hug me so much the feelings were so profound with thought. Thank you Mel, your an angel sent to us from heaven. I have to say it gave me anxiety when you went on holidays, not getting the normal contact emails. I know I have a long way to go and I’m trying desperately to get well. Is the fact I still love this horrible person holding me back, I feel such compasssion for the day to day anquish they go through, I would never have any more contact , they have bitten me twice, cos of the kids I was drawn back. But I’m over that bit I just need now to do the releasing of the the pain and judging my emotions all the time. Its the chatter in my mind that drives me crazy. God Bless you, Jan

  8. Hi Jan,

    You are very welcome, and please be assured I am here to stay for a while, no more holidays for a little while 🙂

    It is an incredible awakening when we realise how our co-dependent parts have played out for us.

    I am so glad you want to focus on your healing.

    Jan have you got and are you doing NARP? Because truly I would love you to be working with energetic healing on yourself to really become your own powerful inner healer.

    Doing that would help you so much!

    Mel xo

  9. I scored 18. My biggest co dependent area is the last one- avoiding taking charge of my own life and happiness and expecting someone else to provide it for me. But some of the others scored high as well- like blaming others for the way I feel and spending time worrying what other people think of me.

    I am astounded by what has come up for me on these issues. I have always avoided self reflection and examining my beliefs because I was always so afraid of what I would find. But these exercises have given me the courage to go within and dig deeper because I can give up self judgement. And this has been a huge step for me.

    I feel I am on an exciting journey of self discovery. The Mantras are wonderful and resonate so deeply. I really feel I can change this co dependency around, I really feel the strength and the knowledge that I can do this blossoming and growing.

    I am still working through my list…and my heart is just getting lighter and lighter.

    Thank you Melanie… so much xxx

    1. Hi Carolyn,

      That is so wonderful that you are no longer avoiding yourself! Big Yay! Because now the relief and the healing begins…

      It is so lovely that in this community rather than it feeling awful, or ‘shameful’ to do this – it truly is so wonderful, freeing and empowering!

      It’s gorgeous darling lady that your heart is getting lighter and lighter – truly that adds to my heart singing!

      Mel xo

  10. Hello Melanie,

    I have an important exam coming up but the anguish had me drop all i was doing after being discarded by the narcissist cause i was hurting so so so so bad…

    I even called in at work to read the material to gain my sanity. Am glad and saved to have found this wonderful website and what can i say, God bless and love you Melanie:-)

    Exercise One:

    Q1 How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to?
    All 22/22. No wonder, i could not work sleep, eat shower, do laundry or even study for my exam!! I was sick…in anguish.

    Q2 After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life?

    After having been conditioned during my childhood to please my emotionally absent father, i did horrid things to survive. I hope i will get a chance to love and know that am loved back, cause this is what i almost traded my SOUL out for. My dad was absent yet i could not even have a boyfriend cause i feared what he would think. Would he stop loving me? I would wonder? I had no boundaries when it came to him and i was often wanting him to see me in a positive light. He tried but it was never enough…..:-(
    Now after this experience, i do believe, i belong to myself, warts and all, and if someone else does not accept that, I DO and DO IT WITH PRIDE CAUSE i am beginning to NURTURE my inner HURT parts the best i can.

    What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally?

    One of the biggest codependent areas for me is to be loved…– for the good person that I forced myself to become i.e. FALSE SELF…I wanted to show my siblings that i was not the little girl they used to “trash talk” that i was powerful EVEN IF IT WAS THROUGH another person i.e.”the narcissist.”

    I wanted to be admired…all the things i never got when growing up…To be thought and talked about in grandiose manner, almost revered to the extend of making other people feel so small and me so big!!! yet i felt small inside. That was where the NARCISSIST found a WIDE OPEN ENTRANCE to My SOUL BEING BODy and MIND, cause that NEED to feel BIG was so OVERPOWERING for me and i NEEDED the NARCISSITIC magic!!LOL….now i can laugh at the whole twisted scheme but trust me, i HAVE NEVER known life’s pain than before i figured out what was going on with me.

    Thank you Melanie

    1. Hi Rachel,

      this is wonderful that you are dedicating yourself to the most important person in your life – YOU!

      Wow, re your score. That can totally allow you to see how emptied out you have felt! It is wonderful now that you can gain so much more authectic energy and true inner power when you start cleaning these up.

      You won’t know yourself, and that is exciting!

      You are doing such a fantastic job by realising your ‘reasons’ and coming home to nurture and heal you. It takes a lot of courage and truly you are an incredible being to make this choice!

      You should be incredibly proud of yourself to let go of the illusions of how you ‘can gain yourself’ and know you want to produce this authentically!

      Great job!

      Your awarenesses are powerful, accurate, and totally ‘on line’…you are really embracing your truth – which is where true healing takes place.

      I am so proud of you Rachel 🙂 Big Yay again!

      Mel xo

      1. It was a make or break experience! am glad i found resources from one who is truly aware of this condition and the trauma and the profound healing that is required to get well!

  11. Day 2 I believed i could only be Ultimately loved when i performed That I was not good enough, just as i was. Now i have to change that belief to, “am worth the best cause I am. Am valid cause am here.”

  12. I had 17 out of the 21.
    In a way it was a surprise as I knew I had this issue – I read “CO-Dependent No more” maybe 20 years ago – and thought I had addressed it. But my problem is knowing things intellectually, which is not knowing them, hence Quanta has been so fabulous for me after years of useless talk therapy. Analysing everything to death but not fixing it. It’s as though I’ve emptied out the glass of dirty water but not filled it up again with clean.
    I had to sit for a while with the statement “It’s very important (as always) not to judge yourself, and feel ‘bad’ that you are co-dependent. We were all programmed to be this way.” “Bad” is my default feeling, as in I am bad. This was my programming from Mother – that I’m such a bad person that everything I believe and feel and want is bad and self-centred. That nothing I say is the truth because I’m a bad person and a liar. To the extent that when my psychologist told me in 2002 that my mother has NPD, I first had to figure out what that was and then felt bad for ten years whenever I thought it was true.
    I have never trusted myself and this has made me fall back on to relying others to look after me or to believing the heinous lies that Narcs tell us.
    One of the “problems” with Quanta Freedom if I can call it a problem, is that it works so miraculously well, there could be the tendency to believe everything is now okay. Oh the relief. I dont have to work and focus on my trauma and pain anymore. Im so fed up with myself and my feelings. I got away to a new place in the new year and surprise, I’ve fallen back in with a Narc (Not a relationship, she’s just my landlady but it’s really tough.) I’m self-caring enough to give notice and am moving end of this month but at the expense of yet another hard lesson. I felt I will never learn. I must just be stupid that I can never take anything in and trust my feelings. She vampired my energy and sabotaged the work I was doing and I fell into my pit.
    At least I got back on the program – thank you Mel for the email. I’m committing again to the 30 days with full intention and posting each exercise answer which I notice I feel resistance to doing – I suppose I dont want people to know how broken i really am – Ive always thought I could fix it with willpower. Now I’m just exhausted.
    I’m facing some very scarey stuff for the future but I believe that source will support me so long as I support myself. x

    1. Hi TJ,

      thank you for sharing very honestly your score…

      Wisdom and self-realisation certainly is not ‘logical’.

      Thinking and knowing are too completely different levels. One is the mind only (with existing inner programs in opposition) and the other is Soul ‘beingness’.

      Absolutely everyone at childhood level self-absorbed information as ‘this pain must be my fault. I am bad’…this is what childen do, they take emotional absorbed responsibility for everything that feels ‘bad’.

      YOu can use QFH to set up the goal “Knowing myself as light, love and goodness’ and clear all of the resistance that is the deep inner programs of being ‘bad’.

      Everyone who has been projected on to with irreverant (bad) behaviour absorbs those inner programs as well.

      Whcih means everyone who suffered narc abuse has this onner Program of being ‘bad’. Let’s face it – how many times were you told ‘you were the ‘bad’ one?

      It’s great you have recognised this painful and limiting beleif – because you can now release it.

      This will change so much in your life – because what happens when we feel we are ‘bad?’ The answer is simple – that we will be punished by life and others because we are ‘bad’…

      Can you see why so much of what has happened has, and continues to?

      When you clear the ‘I’m bad’ energy – then go into the ‘I deserve to be punished’ beliefs and see if they exist also.

      Chances are they will…

      Oh Yes! So true – having a tool like QFH is not about sitting on our laurels! It is about really feeling into ourselves and using this amazing tool to clean up every pain, fear or resistance that we know we have in our life – and knowing ‘life’ is always showing us what isn’t working for us ‘on the inside’…

      When we do recognise and own this we take the full responsibility to be the best we can for ourself and ‘Life’.

      When we don’t reject our feelings, and instead use them as a gateway to clear and ascend our beliefs we welcome ‘triggers’ to show us ‘what’ we can improve.

      I love these signals from life – knowing anything ‘uncomfortable’ is coming from within me.

      Then when it is cleared an even greater level of joy and connection to my Soul and life ensues…It is SO worth it!

      TJ, you truly need to stop being so hard and self-critical of yourself. The ‘beating up’ language will only condemn you to ‘more of that’…(repeat painful patterns) and that is the last thing you want.

      When you have time could you also do a healing on ‘being hard on myself’ by setting up the goal of ‘accepting, loving, supporting and encouraging myself unconditionally?’

      That will make a HUGE difference.It is ESSENTIAL!!!

      Forget willpower – it is completely overrated. What it means is ‘your mind’ is trying to fight against existing beleif systems which are pulling you in painful default directions.

      Your mind will ALWAYS cave back to your existing beliefs, no matter how much willpower force you exert.

      It is so much easier to just surrender to the pain – ask it what it is about ‘as yours’ and clear yourself with QFH lovingly and tenderly to get the old beliefs out of your body and bring in the new goal.

      Then there is no battle, no ongoing pain (on that topic) and you just flow forward into the ‘beingness’ of the goal with your vibration and mind being in total agreement.

      Yes my love Source will support you if you support yourself – because YOU are Source.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you TJ for sharing this and your reply Mel, this has helped me a lot this morning, I now ‘love’ the triggers/signs etc as a way of showing me where I need to heal thereby turning a negative into a positive instantaneously, empoweringly (probably not a real word!!!), lovingly and erasing the negative feeling straight away although of course there is still some level of emotion, after all, we’re not trying to avoid that but to turn it around so we don’t continue to feel and be in it!
        Thank you TJ and Mel x

        1. Hi Karen,

          you are very welcome 🙂

          Tiis is wonderful that you love the triggers! I do too – because without them we would not know what to heal next!

          It is so true that when we see the trigger as an unhealed part of us calling our attention to it to transform it – we are well on the road to evolving to our Soul Energy and truth.

          It is only when we don’t ‘see’ this and try to disown, deflect or ignore the trigger that our unhealed parts continue to control us and run our life.

          Great stuff!

          Mel xo

      2. Thank you so much Melanie – It really is mind-blowing how much you give back on these blog comments.
        I am committed to the program even though as you say, more of the same pain keeps coming. Every time I see the light, something happens – maybe it’s a test or Im testing myself unconsciously as I dont trust the light.

        1. Hi TJ,

          you are incredibly welcome, and I feel very blessed that I can assist and contribute by replying.

          Re ‘I don’t trust the light’ set up a goal-setting shift with the goal – “I trust and claim the light”…keep being creative everytime you doiscover a big limiting belief like this – and be very ‘literal’…and you will start to experience some very big breakthroughs. 🙂

          Then as my suggestion follow up with a healing of ‘I know how to live in the light as light’ as the goal and clear the resistance to that as well.

          Mel xo

  13. Hi Mel, how are you? I thought exercise one really had two scores for me. Last year with my ex narc I would say 22 out of 22. Yikes. This year after the QFH and your Emp Love course I got 12 out of 22. I have been narc free for five months. Yay! So I was chronically co dep and shockingly still have a ways to go.

    Yes co dep has been a big issue in my life and some most of these questions just seemed normal behaviour to me previously as I was brought up that way.

    The worst for me was ” Hanging on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better.” I am realising I did this from primary school and all through high school. My ex narc brought this out in me in the most extreme way and I had a very high tolerance for abuse. Well that has certainly changed and obviously after the quiz I have more work to do. Thank you for helping me with this realisation. XXJane

    1. Hi Jane,

      I am great thank you for asking! 🙂

      That is wonderful that you are aware of your progress…

      Hun it is not ‘shockingly’ that you have a way to go – it is ‘gloriously’ because now you are doing that!

      It is very true that the co-dependent check list does seem normal! That is until we understand what being self-realised and owning our power centre (for the good of ourselves and others) really means..

      You are very welcome Jane, and it is wonderful that you are continuing to work on yourself. Thank you for sharing!

      Mel xo

  14. Mel, not sure what you mean by reading Narp. I have the recovery program, was about to start it when this started anyway reading everything I can. To answer question 2. Do you blame others for the way you feel, that was the highest. But I guess hanging on to others when you know your not truely happy was another one that showed up for me. Its my anxiety that drives me nuts, when I try to be positive all day then the slightest thing will set me off into this power surge when i feel Im going backwards again. i know Im having more better days but hell l wish it would get better quicker. Jan xo

  15. HI Jan,

    it is specifically the MP3 healings in NARP that will be able to really shift a lot for you and grant you accelerated healing – as they work directly on your Inner Self (your subconscious).

    Sweetie, truly when you start working through that anxiety by deeply addressing it, and releasing it through the healings it will ease off so much…

    I know this commitment to the 30 days is quite extensive, and you may wish to put the MP3s off for a little bit – however if you did have time to get started with them – soon, or after the 30 days you will notice a big difference.

    Mel xo

  16. God Bless you Mel, I will do as you say, perhaps I’m over doing everything, Im like a mad woman, I read constantly everything, my friends are so wonderful and are watching me and taking me places to stop my anxiety. I feel like I have had some parasite on me and the thought makes me feel ill, I have this great need to stop the pain. I’m strong I will make it. Love Jan

    1. Hi Jan,

      Once you do start doing some energetic shifting you will find more peace ensues and the ‘panic’ will drop…

      It is wonderful you have lovely support – and truly once you start clearing the ‘gunk’ out of your body – you won’t feel like you have that ‘parasite’ on you 🙂

      Yes darling lady you will make it!

      Mel xo

  17. Hi Melanie,

    I am online after yet another argument with my N and want to disconnect from his hooks once and for all and heal. I scored about 16/22 and the most intense question to me was staying with people even when it hurts. I had boyfriends in elementary school that I didn’t really obsess about and yet once I met a narc in high school and fell prey to his shenanigans (right after being bullied in school and my parent’s divorce) I seem to have put the man in my life as priority number one and feared losing them so much, I kept continuing the situation no matter how painful it was. My dad was also the one I was closest to a lot of the time and he is very kind to me, unless I challenge him in any way (he never admits to being wrong) and that’s the same with my current N. I did date a nice guy or two in between but felt like something was “missing”. Codependency was missing and the thrill of the challenge was – an unhealthy challenge! Actual, real love was too fearful for me, so choosing guys that were unaccessible hoping they would turn into accessible guys was the less painful choice? Yikes. These exercises are powerful and very thought provoking, thank you.
    Thanks for understanding and for giving us tools to empower ourselves.

    1. Hi Melanie.

      Truly, (my answer is similar to Rachel’s below) this 30 days was designed for people who are clear enough of their narcissistic experience to be ‘free’ to start creating the next level.

      I may have got this worng – just clarifying – so you still feel like now you are struggling with his hooks – rather than being single with No Contact and knowing this has been a past pattern for you?

      If you are still in the former, then truly releasing abuse and these hooks is the first step for you. You can keep going with this 30 Days if you wish but please know to really clean up your internal Programs of abuse / dependencies it is really important to target that pain and fear directly before trying to create the next level.

      As a healer being intimately aware of creating foundations firmly, I do know there is no shortcutting what we need to internally work on.

      Are you on the New Life newsletter list? This is really the self-work I would like you to make as a high priority.

      Because my greatest dedication to you is work you through to creating your own great abuse free life.

      Mel xo

  18. Answers to questions 1,2,3

    My initial score is 12/22, but I guess that is variable.My emotional achilles heel is fear of abandonment or rejection and i guess thats down to the creation of my outer identity. I think that I might even doubt that I exist because of a lack of inner identity which leaves nothing to cling onto when the outer identity disintegrates.It’s a very fragile existence I lead!.The problem I have in my dealings with people is consistency and I think that is partly to do with how our energies are interacting. for instance I feel relaxed if I sense harmony and a positive attitude,but I tend to get thrown off balance if I sense power/manipulation, agenda, passive agression or and I begin to worry about it and wish I was somewhere else.Sometimes I am assertive and other times not, and I guess I need more confidence to deal with gas lighters.

    1. Hi Andrew,

      thank you for your post.

      It is great that you know what your achillies heel is – and the goal is to heal that wound, as a result of the inner work

      Working through your goal setting MP3 to set up the goal to reverse that would be powerful… a wound that big needs energetic assistance.. 🙂

      When that wound is healed and you become Solid on the inside, truly this wont be about having to manage others – the power will be where it needs to be – within yourself, and then you will not require ‘the outside’ to be anything in particular in order to feel well.

      Mel xo

  19. Hi Mel,

    I need some help with this. One of the top things for me is “Do you blame other people for your feelings? Yes. Example: If your N partner lies to you or is deceitful to you about something. I understand logically that it is really about them and thier issue of why that needed to do that. Not taking it personal or not having feelings about what they did is where I have trouble. In my mind if they didn’t lie or be deceitful I would not feel betrayed or hurt. I understand they are MY feelings, but I would not be having this feeling if they did not lie or be deceitful. I also understand that I had weak boundaries and accepted this type of behavior. I also understand you can not control others behaviors or actions. Is it my belief that I am attached to that I have some control over what they do? Speaking my truth that it breaks down trust between us and that I won’t be with someone who lies or is deceitful. I know that someone else can’t make you angry and that is a secondary feeling to some fear.

    1. Hi Randy,

      When we are connected to N’s yes we are hooked in, we are projected on to, and being lied to hurts horrifically. This is why being with an N is never healthy!

      If we stay connected to trying to get this person to act like a decent human being it drives us insane! (As it would – because there is no ability to get them to).

      Are you still with this person – or are you separated with No or Modified Contact?

      You have not as yet healed the parts of you that hold on to the pain of being deceived.

      Correct no-one can make you feel anything – unless it corresponds with an unhealed part of you that still feels powerless, and believes your identity or wellbeing is dependent on this person having integrity.

      It is a dependency, it is a part of self that is not authetically aligned with being a Source to Self (in regard to releasing the hooks of abuse / pathological behaviours).

      Have you worked through your healing on the abuse recovery level yet?

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Mel,

        No I am not with this person any longer. I have had no contact with this person for months.. Yes I am doing NARP. Yes she did drive me insane trying to get accountablity or “change her behavior” which I changed that belief!!! I have been reading a lot and listening to your previous radio shows and working NARP. The light has finally come on for me about energetic laws, why she was a gift, who created this and why. Diving into my fears, insecurities and defunct beliefs that created this situation along with my behaviors/reactions along the way. Doing all the boundary work, what I will accept and not accept, who am I etc.. Very empowering to finally get it. I have read all the books zero limits, secret, EFT, law of attrations, etc. It finally resonates with me now and I understand!! Wow this brings much peace and know the focus is on me now. Clean up these fears, limiting beliefs and become love so I can be a match for it!!! I have lots of inner work to do and I am sure you can shed light on some other things for me.

        1. Hi Randy,

          thank you for clarifying.

          That is great you are in No Contact and have been working hard on yourself.

          Do you have the bonus goal-setting MP3 in your NARP Program? It is such a powerful multi-purpose healing tool to directly address (release and heal) anything which is still ‘coming up for you’…

          I’ll give you an example. Let’s say you have this pain of “People not being accountable for pathological behaviour” (as per the lingering painful thoughts and feelings about your ex narcs behaviour).

          You can set up the goal of “Me being a solid Source to myself and not taking on any one else’s pathological behaviour or choices. My energy is free, safe and connected to the integrity of Life’.

          (What you are doing here is setting up the Soul Truth empowerment of what you wish to feel, be and know on this ‘topic’).

          And then what you do is clear all resistance to the goal you have set up until you reach a 10/10 on that goal.

          The MP3 process takes you through how to do that – all you have to do is follow the instructions.

          This is a powerful way to shift yourself.

          All you need to do is WHEN something hurts, don’t try to battle it out through your mind – know this ‘hurt’ part of you is trying to get your attention, so that you can in fact go to it and heal it.

          Sit with it, with your journal, feel into it fully and ask it what it is about. Once your inner infinite intelligence grants you the answer then you can formulate the goal to heal this painful belief…

          The more you get used to adopting this process the more and more you will easily connect to ‘the answer’ – then be able to formulate the goal to achieve and release all resistance in the way that has been blocking you from being the goal (Your True Soul Energy on this previously painful topic).

          It is so exciting and incredible when we do work with ourself at this deep inner level. Literally years / decades (and beyond) of stuff can get instantly, directly and powerfully healed!

          You will be amazed at how – the more when you get in contact with your Infinite Inner Intelligence, how much faster and faster you will gain all the answers you need.

          All we need to do is fully feel and embrace the pain and open up to – “What is this about?”

          I hope this helps – and let me know if you don’t have the goal-setting MP3 🙂

          Mel xo

  20. Melanie, please help!! I feel sorry for myself for having not honored my feelings and for all the damage ignoring my wounds caused me. I want to cry. I wonder how many opportunities have passed me by?? Honestly this realization that i had all in me is relieving i wonder how life would have been wonderful if i knew this earlier? Help and thank you so much for helping many of us live again

    1. Hi Rachel,

      truly sweetheart, NARP is the first step needed here. There are still wounds darling from abuse that require attaention, rather than going for this step – this challenge – which is the next step from essential abuse healing / reconciliation.

      This is why I stated this in newsletters and my radio show announcing this 30 days.

      And in NARP I am there with you – by emails personally to help you break through and heal this pain out of your body.

      The creation of you – trying to move forward is what is bringing up the old abuse stuff / pain for you to heal.

      Do you have NARP? Because that is what you need to be doing for your best results and healing.

      Mel xo

  21. Well, I only answered yes to 4 of them, but I have been working on myself for several years now trying to figure out what was going on. It took awhile to realize my ex was a narcissist, and when I finally did, it was incredibly freeing. I only occasionally get sucked back into that time and space. My biggest area was helping out other and then being upset when they didn’t do the same. My independency mantras which are the most pertinent are not to take things personally and I can only control myself. I think this is going to go well for me, as I said I’ve been doing some of this for awhile now and just need to continue. It’s really nice to have a guide and not just flounder around and occasionally hitting on something helpful. Doing this (the self empowerment program) really allows me to move on with my life rather than staying stuck in the past. Thanks so much for doing this. I am feeling more hopeful and have a sense of joy that hasn’t been in my life for way too long.

    1. Hi Paula,

      even though you dodn’t score many – it is great that you have been able to highlight the areas that you wish to focus on.

      I am so pleased you have hope for the present and the future now, and a clear path to follow to claim your authentic power.

      You are so very welcome, and I am so pleased it is granting you direction, and you are committed to working forward.

      Thank you for your post Paula.

      Mel xo

  22. Exercise One:

    Okay let’s be honest! How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to? After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life? What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally?

    I’ve done a similar exercise of yours before, but it was great re-visiting these concepts and seeing my progress. A year ago, before NARP, I would have scored an easy 22/22. This time around, a year and a month later, I scored a 7/22, with some of those remaining being some big ones for me. I counted as a ‘no’ things that no longer resonate as my truth and I no longer do. So yes, progress!! Woo-hoo!!

    Exercise Two:

    When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? What realisations has this granted you? How do you feel about this now?

    I still hang on to a fear of not being ‘loved’ if I rock the boat, I don’t want to be seen as the bad guy, am afraid of other’s displeasure, and it’s the only way for me to ‘get love’ if I go along with what they want and not listen to my emotions when I disagree. This one belief is also keeping me from creating my own happiness, and so I still wait around for someone to do it for me. The other big one for me is tying my worthiness to finances. I feel guilt when spending money on myself, no matter how small the sum, and feel like I have to defend my decisions and actions. And the funniest realization I had was my penchant for still trying to make others happy, seeking validation about what a great person I am, and that if I can make them happy, they’ll keep me around, yet I never stopped to ask myself if I wanted *them* around *me*, lol! That one cracked me up. This part of the exercise really helped clarify as well all the progress I’ve made. It’s very, very encouraging to see I’m not in the same place I was before, I am changing and my life is changing as a result. Implementing boundaries is a huge part of moving forward for me now, and actually putting plans into action to change the landscape of the financial thing bugging me. I plan on doing a NARP session around that issue next.

    Exercise Three:

    How did you feel about reframing these times when you know you aren’t being authentic? Do you feel like you can apply yourself to changing these co-dependent patterns? Can you feel the difference this will make to outcomes in your life?

    Reframing the things which still give me trouble helped me see the different choices I can make to change the outcome. It’s incredibly empowering. I can definitely apply myself to changing these patterns, but some only after I’ve done some energetic house cleaning first, since some of these I feel go deep inside my heart and soul, heavy with an energetic charge that is beyond my current life experience. Rewriting the exercises and seeing how they are connected in the biggest areas of concern for me right now is amazing, because I feel I have the abilility now to pinpoint with laser-sharp accuracy the things I can shift next, giving them a name and a direction, instead of working helter-skelter in a reactionary fashion after stuff shows up in my life letting me know I need to work on this particular thing next, and then this new thing after that, without seeing a pattern.

    Thanks Mel for another very insightful week. If this is only week two, I can only imagine where we’ll be at the end of the month! I can’t wait. Much love!! xoxo

    1. Hi Veronica,

      This is wonderful that you realise you have made so much progress, and great to really focus in on the areas you know you want to tackle and heal now.

      This is fantastic that you have been able to really identify the ‘not wanting to rock the boat’ charge and how it links in to ‘wanting someone else to provide you with your truth’…fantastic!

      Wonderful that the reframes are helping grant you so much clarity, as to the energy you are moving forward in to (authetic power), and yes because you have the QF tools that will help enormously to go really deep and do as you say ‘energetic house cleaning’.

      Certainly I agree, with myself, this was the only way certain old inner stuff was going to shift – it was far too deep to heal for me any other way.

      I’m so glad you are enjoying the exercises and getting so much out of them Veronica – you are so welcome sweetie!

      Mel xo

  23. Exercise 1
    I had 6 Yes(es) It was wonderfully validating to complete this exercise. I know that 6 months ago, I would have had 22 yes(es).

    Exercise 2
    Recently I listened to one of the love radio episodes and during this episode Mel spoke of Gary Zukay’s book Spiritual Partnership. I ordered it right away and I finished the book last week. What a blessing for me that this book and this week’s challenge were aligned in the message that I needed to receive.
    My greatest personal struggle has been reacting to that sense of neediness and expecting some external source to take it away. My reaction was always somebody fix this, distract me, take it away, make me feel worthy. My neediness and subsequent reaction was coming from my personality of fear. Fear of being powerless. I’ve struggled with the question.. but how do I heal? The resources available to me revealed… to heal it is necessary to respond to what I am feeling… not to react to it. Feel it, respond lovingly with the affirmations, the modules, the declarations.

    Exercise 3 I am optimistic that as I continue to use the weekly challenge tools combined with the spiritual guidelines described in Gary Zukay’s book.. I will love, empower, and heal myself. I am WORTH it.

    1. Hi Rhonda,

      That is so wonderful that these exercises and Gary’s book are ‘right on topic’ for you!

      It’s always wonderful when that happens.

      This is brillant that you are directly facing – in order to heal – the feeling/ origins of powerlessness that have been playing out for you.

      I have no doubt that with this firm commitment (you partnering you) your optimism is spot on – beacuse you totally are on the right track to healing this 🙂

      Great job!

      Mel xo

  24. Exercise One:
    I scored a 20/22, but I was not surprised by this whatsoever. Several months ago I was told to read the book, “Co-dependency No More” by Melody Beattie. At the end of each chapter I had to answer similar questions to the 22 and that’s when I had a total shock as to how co-dependent I was. It took me about a month to really process and accept it. Once I did, it connected so many dots for me throughout my lifetime. As hard as it was to realize how co-dependent I was (because I always saw myself as a very confident, smart, able person), it was also liberating to know exactly what had gotten me into so many troubled relationships and situations throughout my life. Just like giving the label to a “narcissist”, “co-dependent” gave me my label to understand my behavior. In this sense, knowledge is power because the power of knowing gives you the power to change.
    The biggest co-dependent areas of my life were:
    1) Finding it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when I feel uncomfortable
    2) Obsessing over upsetting others
    3) Seeking others approval/opinions before seeking my own
    4) Waiting for someone else to fulfill me

    Exercise Two:
    My co-dependent issues 100% came from my childhood and parents. The only memory I have of my parents being together is when I was four years old and I saw my father hit my mom while she was breast feeding my baby brother. I know the reason my dad got so angry at her was because she refused to let him control her any longer and this sparked his anger/rage. The only thing I have ever feared in my life is my father’s anger. I have spent my whole life avoiding trying to make him angry because I never knew what he was capable of once he got angry. As a result, I have always been scared to speak up for myself.
    As for seeking others approval/opinions before mine, this comes from having two emotionally unavailable parents. My dad lived in a different country growing up and was too concerned with making money, while my mom had to raise us alone with a full time job just to make ends meet. When living under such struggling circumstances, neither of them ever had the time to be emotionally available. Instead, I looked for that approval from friends. So that’s why I have always cared so much what others think and go to them for approval and opinions before checking in with my own. It’s also the reason I have never been able to be single (up until the last 2 years) even if I was unhappy in a relationship, I would hang on for fear of being single. I believed a man was responsible for my happiness. My mother has the exact same belief, she married men for security only, not for love. As a result, she’s never been happy. My mother is an extreme co-dependent, and my father is very controlling and emotionally unavailable. I have spent my whole life either being my mother or my father in a relationship. None of my relationships have lasted more than 3 years as a result. The scary part is I saw a picture of my father and me when I was four years old and he looks exactly like my ex-narcissist. Not just his looks, but in the way his demeanor is in the picture. My ex-narc is my dad 30 years younger to at T!

    The greatest realization I had in discovering I was a co-dependent was realizing the kind of people I associated with. I have A LOT of friends, I am known to be the biggest social butterfly, some people even call me “gossip girl” from that TV show. I all of a sudden realized I had surrounded myself with people my whole life that were not my genuine friend or a toxic person because I got my self-worth by others liking me. It didn’t matter who it came from. I actually cut out ALL my friends recently because of that realization. I am down to having only one friend left that I truly trust. This has been so wonderful for me for many reasons 1) I now have to check in with myself for everything and be my own best friend 2) I no longer give away my energy and time and now that is all going to myself instead 3) I no longer care about what other people are doing, nor do I care what they think of me 4) No one is able to bring me down or hurt me 5) I appreciate the small things in life and enjoy life way more 6) I have made room for better people to come into my life.

    Exercise Three:
    I feel like I already have changed a lot of my co-dependent ways simply by isolating myself for the last 6 months. I have literally isolated myself from everybody. I have not been working, I have cut out all my old friends and I have been spending most of my days at home working on myself. I do not remember the last time I went out and was social. But for me this was much needed! I spent my whole life being the biggest social butterfly and it has not gotten me anywhere. I suffered at school, work etc. because I always made socializing (that includes love relationships) my highest priority. Now that I am single (for the first time since I was 15 yrs old) and completely alone, I finally have the time to work on all my inner demons and learn how to enjoy being completely alone.

    For a lot of people in my life this has been a great shock to them. My mother thinks there must be something severely mentally wrong with me because I want to be alone all the time (as a co-dependent I understand how she doesn’t understand) and I am having a tough time getting her to realize that it’s a GOOD thing I like being alone. Some friends I have had to be brutally honest with and tell them that I am not the social girl they once knew and I do not have the time and energy to be there for them. It’s so interesting when you start putting up your boundaries with people you realize just how valuable you actually are. I see now why so many people want me in their life, I was always there for them to make them happy, go out of my way for them and they could always dump their problems on me. Now that I don’t care to do that, they are slipping away and better people and circumstances are coming in. More importantly, I am doing those things for myself. I am only interested in relationships that are reciprocal and healthy. Also, when you take away the fear of being alone, rejected or abandoned, you stand up for yourself more easily because you don’t care what the outcome is.
    A couple years ago my therapist said to me, “Imagine if you put all that energy you give to others into yourself what you will accomplish.” I have always excelled at everything I do when it comes to other people. So when my therapist said that to me, it made me think just how invincible I could be by putting all the exerted energy into myself!
    I am making the move to a new city next month. I am going to go back to school to get a new career and start a new chapter. My hometown feels like old energy and it’s time to start fresh. I feel that starting a new chapter with this new solid sense of self will do wonders for my life. It already has. The move itself has been so seamless and effortless. You know when it’s easy it’s right. I do not recognize the person I was a couple years ago (when I got out of my narc relationship) and I am looking forward to starting a new life as a new me.

    1. Hi GA,

      fantastic and honest share…

      I agree that it is liberating to understand ‘why’ we have played out the patterns we have as co-dependents….totally.

      And so spot on – if we were to disown this we do not have any power to change, it is the honest ownership of ‘I am creating this – so now I can re-create myself, and change this!’ – is the first step to claiming a path towards authetic power.

      It is fantastic that you have already been working hard at changing your life and coming home to you….and doing the healing you needed to do…

      It is wonderful you have honed in on your most co-dependent areas.

      In Exercise 2: By digging deep and feeling in you have uncovered really pertinent ‘reasons’ – and that is fantastic – great job!

      It is great that your reframing is going well ,and you are working at being your own full Source to self…

      I am so happy for you that your move is all falling into place – as things do when we are committed to being ‘at one’…

      I have also just had the exact same experience – a seamless move with the Universe being totally supporting – a gorgeous experience!

      I think this move will be wonerful for you too!

      Mel xo

      1. Your feedback is so helpful, Melanie. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to each of us. Thank you.

        It’s amazing how many layers we have to peel to come back to ‘us’. I thought just detaching all hooks from the narcissist would be enough, but that just clears you to take the next step of understanding why you attracted and maintained a relationship like that in the first place.

        Understanding and healing co-dependency is really the key to getting yourself truly back there so these exercises are really important.

        1. HI GA,

          I am so glad my feedback helps!

          Oh yes – there are many layers!

          I totally agree, once cleaning up the pain and the fear of being narcissistically abused – this is the next essentiall step. It is vital to become authentic power if we truly want an authentic joyful life 🙂

          Mel xo

  25. HI Mel, I have been working on Exercise Two and changed my highest priority from exercise one to impressing others to make them happy so I can be happy. It is a childhood issue and really made me realise I even went into a career that was wrong for me to impress my parents and grandparents. The red flags were all there and I determinedly stayed on. I went for the job too as it offered me the chance to leave home straight after school as my Mum was in a relationship with a narc who convinced her I was bad on many levels. All rubbish but at the time it convinced her to tell me to leave. Compliance with others wishes didn’t help matters one bit. So I can see the survival illusions I was under to make others happy. The other ones that came up for me were all around child hood as well and I lost the ability to trust my own mind. I think too I felt guilty doing nice things for myself and I can see this pattern in my Mum. Feeling not worthy to receive the good things in life. Almost like a virtue, but it is not. As for taking charge of my own life, well it was taken over by my parents, ex husband and ex narc, but not any more. I feel much more clear and aware of all of this now and am at peace with it. It all makes so much sense and I value the gift of the realisation. We do create our own reality. XXJane

    1. Hi Jane,

      This is great that you are really focusing on what you know is pertinent to you.

      Great work and fabulous clarity Jane…

      Oh yes we do create our own reality – and we do have the power to re-create it! 🙂

      You are doing fabulously!

      Mel xo

  26. I scored 16 out of 22. My biggest one is when an interaction goes wrong, I obsess over analyzing it and trying to figure out what they are thinking or feeling about it, and how I can fix it. The main thing that came up was childhood training. If mama wasnt happy, nobody was happy. I have never known boundaries. I feel responsible for other’s feelings and behavior. Adult children of alcohlics do not trust their own perception of reality as we were told how we should think by someone who wasnt quite thinking too well themselves. My emotional state was dependent on her emotional state. I have carried that with me a long time. I also want to assign blame, was it their fault or mine? Who caused this?? If I can figure that out I can fix it. ha ha! I think this exercise is a huge one, could not do all in one week, but I want to do my whole list. Now as to how reframing will help, I think it will help immensely! I have so many areas but if I can take one or two at a time, starting with the most recurrent and damaging one and work down, and practice new behaviors and new thoughts, I feel confident I can get better at this. I have done counseling in the past but I always wondered HOW to get better. These exercises are something concrete to focus on and to come out of denial about my issues. These issues have caused me an incredible amount of anxiety and mental anguish and emotional turmoil, and I intend to do the work to overcome the programs which have kept me on a treadmill for so long. Thanks, Melanie for your practical and accurate guidance!

    1. Hi Cindy

      Thank you for posting!

      It is great that you have been able to trace back to the origins of these wounds, and what has been going on for you.

      That is wonderful how you are feeling reframing will assist you.

      I am so glad you are gaining clarity and the ‘how to’ break these patterns.

      You are so welcome Cindy!

      Mel xo

  27. i am listening to this as well as working your NARP. i want to tell you how much it has opened my mid life eyes. healing is a daily challenge.it is so difficult to change a way of being that was instilled in me since i was very young.there are so many areas of my life to adjust, it is a little overwhelming. i cried involuntarily after the seventh mantra explanation, i was listening to the radio version. your insights and ability to connect surface to soul level healing is very comforting, accessible, real. thank you for providing clear, direct, thoughtful,and caring ways to guide me and others to heal ourselves. you have given so much. thank you.

    1. Hi K,

      remember my love you don’t need to get it all done straight away…and be kind to yourself, making sure you love and support you through the process 🙂

      It is always so much better when we do have our eyes open and gain clarity. I am so glad the connection of the ‘outer to the inner’ is making sense to you – and you are understanding how to do this…

      You are so welcome K, and I am very happy I have been able to help you 🙂

      Mel xo

  28. Exercise One:

    I answered almost all questions with a yes, like 20/22 for me and realized that wow I have been really codependent all my life and had no clue. My biggest issue was hanging on to people and situations even though they were hurtful and also being affected by other people’s words and actions, which i have no control over. I realized that these things have been causing me so much pain, discomfort and anxiety that I always felt that if only I could get someone else to be a certain way then I’d be happy and of course that always backfired

    Exercise Two:

    I realized that the reasons why I am not in my personal truth or power is because I had a belief that I am not enough of a source to myself and that I need to rely on others to provide me with emotional, financial and physical security. It comes from all the beliefs I had as a child of not being good enough, so then I was seeking others to complete me. Now I feel that these beliefs have cause me a lot of anguish and I am ready to heal them and let them go since they are not serving my higher truth

    Exercise Three:

    I felt amazing rewriting all the instances in which I was going against my inner truth. It elt so empowering to just write all these things and I really felt myself shifting on the inside and letting go of all the old patterns that are not serving me. I really am now paying attention to myself and noticing how I have a tendency to be codependent, but now I am aware of it and instead I am starting to listen to my own guidance and setting my own boundaries and it feels great. Why haven’t I been doing this all along? Thank you Melanie for helping me become aware of this!

    1. Hi Andara,

      Thank you for your very honest share – and most people do not realise, because they beleive this is ‘normal’ human operation (which sadly it is!)

      Fabbo clarity for Exercise One – what you have written is SO true for many people!

      That is great you have got to the bottom of feeling ‘not good enough’ and the dependencies – and that you wish to really heal them. Fantastic!

      I love that you were experiencing the feeling of shifting on the inside (this is so powerful and important – and is the goal).

      Honey we were not doing this all along – because no-one taught us this! We were taught to ignore our inner world – and try to adapt ourselves as best we could to make our outer world work by ‘getting’ approval and solidness, rather than ‘being’ those things!

      You are very welcome Andara, and I am so glad this is powerful for you 🙂

      Mel xo

  29. Exercise 1 – I was surprised when I answered yes to most of these questions (20). I have been on my own for a number of years and have always felt that I was an independent person and could “do it on my own” (ie. raising my son on my own, making ends meet and furthering my career at the same time). But I was also having nagging feelings of incompleteness and thought that this would go away if I just found that perfect guy/relationship. Boy was I wrong. I just ended up attracting an N who aided me in seeking the answers in Melanie’s articles. I tend to put other people’s needs before mine. Feel that other people’s opinions are more valid than mine. And find it very difficult to speak up. I feel very selfish and guilty if I try to assert myself. But I now realize that I need to stop doing these things and take charge of my own life, create my own happiness and fulfillment, be my own source of validation, create my new independent reality. It’s nobody job but my own.

    Exercise 2 – I find that I have been conditioned my entire life to being a co-dependent (especially growing up in a family affected by alcoholism). As an example – at family gatherings if I tried to speak up, I would just be told that “what you have to say is irrelevant” and “nobody wants to hear what you have to say” so I fell silent. I became a “people pleaser” and the family’s scapegoat and to blame for everything that went wrong. As a way to handle life, I became invisible and suffered in silence but realize now that I was just handing over my personal power and truth. I have a lot more work to do on this exercise because I have blocked a lot of my childhood experiences so don’t really know the real route of my fears. But I now see the damage done … and want to take my power back. I am committing to doing this work because I definitely see the value. I’m worth it. The biggest thing for me was when Melanie spoke about judging yourself harshly … that others will also. That others will pull away because they feel uneasy and scrutinized by my actions. I definitely need to talk to myself in a more self-approving, encouraging and loving manner … so others will do this in return.

    Exercise 3 – I am excited about having the tools to work on in order to formulate a new and more empowered way of living. I find encouragement when saying my “independency mantras.” There is so much good information in your articles. I can’t thank you enough, Melanie!!!

    1. Hi CHantal,

      this is a very good point that you made – that you have always believed you were independent. Many co-dependents are very capable people.

      It is the feeling of emotional ‘incompleteness’ that are symptomatic of codependency – very much so.

      It is not a logical thing, it is a deeply emotional condition.

      That is it to a tee – if we believe the right relationship will relieve these feelings – we are missing the point!

      That is lovely that you feel solid about creating your own authentic fuflilment now! Then a relationship can be healthy as it will add ‘more of you’…

      Exercise 2 you are doing a great job with this – and your willingness to uncover and ‘go there’ is very powerful…you are well on your way to healing and breaking free…absolutely.

      I am so pleased you realise now how important it is to be loving and supportive towards yourself – this is paramount 🙂

      I am so thrilled you are excited Chantal and you are seeing and feeling a way forward to the True You – wonderful!!!

      You are so very welcome…

      Mel xo

  30. Hello Mel, here are the responses to Exercise 3. I am happy about reframing the times when I know I am not being authentic and I have noticed lately that I automatically start doing it, with minimal anxiety or guilt. Wonderful to see that the people that would usually try to walk over me are changing their attitude to me too. I feel immediately very aware when I start being co dep and quickly change my responses to people or situations. It is very freeing and quite easy to do with practice. Amazing it has taken me 44 years to do this! Already I feel the difference it is making to outcomes in my life and I don’t obsess over much these days. I used to assume so much about the way people would react if I really spoke my mind and was so afraid I would not be approved of or even put down. Often this is not even the case. Thank you Mel, XXJane

    1. Hi Jane,

      Yay! THis is so wonderful that you have worked dilgently and deeply through these exercise, and been able to have your reframes ‘slide into place’…which is what happens when we go deep, be very humble and work with self-ownership – it puts the power back to where it should be – INSIDE US!!!

      This is so nice that you are being able to operate with these re-frames so powerfully and quickly within a few days. (Healing is not a time-line it is a state)…

      It just goes to show – it doesn’t matter how long we have ben operating in a disempowered way – we can turn it all around very quickly.

      I am so proud of you Jane and thrilled about your results!

      This epitomises ‘conscious living’, and I know your post can really help inspire others too!

      Mel xo

  31. Exercise1:

    My codependency score is still very high. 20 out of 22. I was honest here and included something even if I have improved a lot with that particular point.

    Exercise 2:

    I scored No 10 for 3 items on the list: Holding on even when it hurts. Issues of confrontation and being uncomfortable with that. Feeling guilty if I do something good or experience something good or even the moving on with my life as I am doing.

    I have experienced feeling isolated and alienated and deeply hurt by the response when I did this in my earlier years. I find it hard to see someone unhappy when I am in a different space.

    I found it very interesting that it is these exact issues that have come up over and over again during the NARP modules and are probably my biggest stumbling blocks still.

    Exercise 3:

    Actually I realized quite strongly that by reframing this, I am giving myself permission – permission to live authentically and be true to ME and in doing so I will be really loving and respecting myself. It sounds simple, but realizing and seeing it for myself and on paper too, really makes it sink in more for me.

    I am so grateful for further insight I have now.

    1. Hi Rozanne,

      sweetie thank you for your incredible honest humility – however – I do know just how much you have grown, healed and what work you have put in – HUGELY – and the incredible results you have procured over the last few months (against all odds).

      Results that people without the level of your self-work dedication could not have produced. Truly most people would have curled up into a ball and given up!

      So I think you were very, very honest with your answers – but great that you included those ones that there are even little bits left on.

      I would agree that these are the main areas you are working with…and truly by really finding the deep charges and releasing – and using goal setting healings you will break through these (I feel sooner rather than later).

      The re-frames are powerful – they are allowing this permission – and truly this may be an energetic goal you wish to set up with a goal-setting healing as well to back this energy up and fast-track its absorption as ‘knowing’…

      My suggestion: “Source and my Soul grant me full permission, support and endorse me to…(whatever the ‘state of self’you wish to move forward in to) ”

      I think you will feel a big boost with this 🙂

      Rozanne you are doing such an amazing job – and truly you are inspiration with how far you have come, and what you have had to overcome…

      Just amazing 🙂

      Mel xo

  32. Hi Mel,
    whoah, this is big stuff, it really is getting down to it in a way that is real, unavoidable if you want to see change but very practical as well. I haven’t quiet finished exercise 3 yet, there is a lot to write but I am committed to working on it for the rest of today and then I’m going out this evening so that will break it up for me.
    Exercise 1.
    I had 19 I answered yes to and the others I have done at times in my life. I had already realized the extent of my co-dependent traits, which did come as a huge shock to me when I first realized and the areas I have found I am most co-dependent in is not standing up for myself, not confronting issues I am uncomfortable with, not listening/trusting myself and particularly saying yes when I want to say no. As I was working on this stuff a few days ago the ex narc phoned me and asked me to take him to the airport tomorrow and a couple of other things ~ my initial reaction was to say ‘yes’ even though I wanted to say ‘no’ so in a fluster I said I would think about it but I also told him how inappropriate I thought the request was, anyway, because of this work I am doing I was able to ask myself why I would say yes and I then went into it deeper and deeper and for a few days (a couple of other interactions occurred also)I was left feeling totally bereft and to be honest, quiet devastated (total realization as to why total ‘no contact’ is non negotiable!); however, this morning I got up and the sense of peace and calm that I experienced when I started these exercises, returned, and I was actually able to see the progress I have actually made and tomorrow the narc will be out of the country and in the next couple of weeks I will be out of this house and into a flat of my own and I wont ever have to answer another call or attempt at communication again, so it has all fallen back into place again and yes, I was feeling extremely hurt yesterday, in a way that I hadn’t felt in a long time but I got through it, I looked after myself and today I’m ok and can see that in it all I have not only learned some valuable lessons but also that I AM moving on and that is what it is all about and I faced all of my biggest co-dependent traits as well and survived!!! :-).
    Exercise 2.
    Yes, I discovered the reasons why I behave in co-dependent ways which makes me realize that I have been simply ‘stuck’ in the past so no wonder I could never really move forward in my life ~ when I started on what I now know to be my journey of self discovery almost 2 years ago, I told my doctor that I refused to go back to work, that something in me/my life was holding my back so no matter how far I got in life I was always dragged back and I refused to go on like that, I told him I wasn’t (not all the time anyway) suicidal but that if I could not find out what was holding me back then my life was not worth living ~ and it is only as I am typing this now, that I realize that I have finally found the ‘thing’ holding me back ~ wow ~ what a discovery!!! I knew the relationship with the narc wasn’t helping but I also somehow knew that there was something more to it than that, so hey, thank you Mel for helping me find the ‘missing piece’ that has been holding me back all my life :-).
    How do I feel about this now ~ bloody marvelous….. yesterday it was like I was separating from the narc for the first time all over again, I felt devastated and started to doubt myself and what I am doing (self improvement etc etc) I started to think maybe it was me, maybe I wanted to much etc etc so instead of dwelling on these thoughts, I recognized I was hurting, accepted that and took myself out for the afternoon for a long leisurely couple of coffees and a walk around a beautiful picturesque little town then went to the cinema and when I got home did some restorative yoga and watched another film, not something I usually do but I knew I needed to occupy my mind and just be kind, loving and gentle to me and look after me during a difficult time and this morning I have got up feeling good and now after writing this I feel marvelous (although I am still processing a lot of feelings etc) ~ but, hey, what a massive breakthrough!

    Exercise 3.
    How did I feel ~ it felt a little daunting at first but when I got into it I started loving it as I see it as a real practical way of really helping me to become the person I want to be, its like it is helping me ‘put my money where my mouth is’, I was saying I’m a good person, I’m this and that when really I wasn’t the person I wanted to be at all deep down so this is a real way to help me get there. I have bought lots of lovely paper and stickers etc and I am going to write out my declarations to self and all these other things then frame them and put them on my bedroom wall so I look at them and read them and absorb them etc every day, I am so committed to doing this work on myself to the point that, at the minute, nothing else really matters much. I feel that yes, I can change these co-dependent patterns but that it is clearly not as easy as I maybe first thought it would be but at the same time I am not looking at it like it is something difficult, just something that I have to be totally aware of and working on diligently until all these new habits/ways of being become like second nature, although I am sure that having awareness will always be important. But its like I have finally got something I can actually follow to help me get there, reading about all this stuff and understanding it is one thing but actually putting it into practice is a whole different thing and I am very pleased to now have the guidance to help me do that. I can totally feel the difference it is going to make to outcomes in my life in fact I will need a few days to really absorb all of this ~ that my life really can begin to change, it has given me a new sense of peace, calmness and confidence that this is it, I really am on the right path and I really am going to turn my life around.
    I’m going to make myself a delicious cappuccino now then just relax for half an hour and read the other responses on here before I get a walk in the fresh air and then get back to exercise 3!

    Thank you again Mel so much, even writing this response has taught me so much, your teachings are spot on, thank you, you are an amazing lady.

    1. Hi Karen,

      yes it is BIG stuff! And yes I do believe if we want change there is no other way but to go deep within and create the changes within ourself that we wish to be and experience.

      Everything else (I believe)is a bandaid at best…

      Oh yes total No Contact is completely and utterly necessary…so it is really good that this message has hit home for you powerfully. There is no way to uphold boundaries, not be lined up, and not have the rug pulled out if contact continues.

      When we value ourselves – why would we send ourself back in front of a firing squad that bears no resemblance to the way we wish to live our life – sanely, harmoniously, truthfully and lovingly?

      So yes my love – no more of that!

      Block his numbers and emails – this will make it so much easier – the ‘not expecting’ (and certainly not ‘allowing’) anything 🙂

      I am glad you are finding the missing pieces Karen that is wonderful. And please know (and I know you do know this) YOU found them – I only directed you ‘how to’.

      You are your own healer and self-liberator – as we all are 🙂

      I am so pleased you are feeling marvellous – and rather than be back ‘at square one’ because you are dedicating to looking after you – truly you have moved up to a whole new level.

      I am so pleased and happy for you that you now deeply feel (know) you can and will turn your life around – this is gorgeous!

      Thank you sweetie, and thank you so much for your post, and be incredibly proud of yourself – you TRULY are SO on the right track. It is your time, and your dedication is going to pay off beautifully 🙂

      Mel xo

  33. Exercise Two:

    When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? What realisations has this granted you? How do you feel about this now?
    This took me a long time as there were 17 to get through and all came back to NM – She told me I was bad, that no one would ever like me, that I was selfish,spoilt,a user from when I was 3 and probs before. I expect people to dislike me. I was afraid of the narc meltdown from her when she would invariably tell me to get out and that we should never see each other again. I fear rejection and abandonment and struggle to find authentic feelings and identity within.
    I expect bad things to come to me and I almost preempt it so that I wont have to feel the pain all over again. My inner child hates me for the constant denigration but now I am being very kind to her. I am holding on through the collapses when people do reject me or dont appear to like me. I now see it as ATTRACT/REPEL which is not my invention but something from business school but it makes sense here too. If people dont like me thats okay – it means they are not a good match.

  34. HI TJ,

    It is wonderful that you have really applied yourself to this.

    Your narc Mother, did what all narcs do – projected her dark unhealed parts on to you.

    As we all know – when we believe someone else is a Source to us (which narcs construct – ‘I am the Centre of your Universe’) – this ‘god’ becomes the authority on ‘who you are’…because we are disconnected from the Source of Ourself – their False Self replaced this (just as it has done to the narc).

    Narc love partners do this – and of course narc parents. When narc parents do this it is easily absorbed by the child (who is naturally extremely co-dependent, as all children are) ‘as truth’.

    And of course your mother additionally did what narcs do to – the threats of abandonment and rejection, which fostered your dependenies and fears ensuring connection with her and her ability to control you (keep projecting on to you – extract narc supply from you).

    Okay so the real deep healing on this is to heal those feelings about ‘self’ that were impregnated in to you by your mother. These feelings of being ‘bad’ ‘selfish’ ‘unacceptable’ etc…

    This all make makes perfect sense as to ‘Why’ it is hard for you to accept the light (Source).

    How can we feel we are worthy of Source and our true Soul energy (The Light) if we feel we are ‘bad?”.

    The truth is we can’t.

    Your stuff is deep TJ, it really is an energetic healing job…without that it would take a very, very long time to heal – as well as enormous effort on your behalf.

    If you use the goal setting MP3 to ‘Claim myself as love, goodness, Source and divinity” and clear all resistance – that will make a huge difference – it is key.

    Then I would move on to the healings to accept and connect to the Light.

    And of course keep reframing and working these exercises – I know it is a lot of work – but my goodness it is going to worth it!

    You will start breaking through in ways that you did not believe were possible 🙂

    Lots of hugs and strength – you are on your way 🙂

    Mel xo

  35. OMG! I am a raging co-dependent! 🙁 I matched all but 2 on the list. Shows how much work I really have ahead of me with my healing. One of my greatest fears is rejection because I’ve been rejected so much by my narcissistic family and treated like I don’t matter. So I attempt to avoid rejection by being a major “people pleaser” and also try to avoid confrontations whenever I can.

    I am also afraid of appearing “selfish” which, unfortunately, has caused me to really forsake myself as well as to self-sabotage. In addition, I don’t feel valued by others and obviously I don’t value myself enough because if I did I wouldn’t be in this mess. Big wake up call!

    For so long I have resisted the “codependent” label because I never thought of myself as controlling. I prefer to think of myself as a giver, however now I realize that I often “give” to get the approval and acceptance of others (which ties into my fear of rejection). Reviewing the listing and “feeling into” them as truly been an awakening for me. I look forward to breaking free of the burden of codependency and to the creation of a lighter, authentic me. I know it’s a process so I don’t plan to rush it, but at least now I have a clear road map to follow. Thank you so much for this program, Mel! It has really opened my eyes and I am now more hopeful than ever about my personal recovery. Hugs to you, dear lady. 🙂

    1. Hi Sandy,

      how amazing is it when we REALLY understand what ‘handing our power over’ means?

      This is fantastic that you now have clear clarity, you know what to work on, and you are well on your way to creating your true, free authentic self.

      Big Yay!I’m very excited for you 🙂

      Lots of hugs back Sandy! 🙂

      Mel xo

  36. Iam so thankful for this program i have gotten more out of this then all the cousleors i have gone to i havebeen able to stand up to the nars
    and feel good aboutbeing able to stand up for myself and knowing i am somebody he did not know what to do thanks again i will continue to do this program

  37. Exercise One: How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to? After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life? What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally?

    14 Yes 8 No

    Before performing this exercise, I have realized that not being grounded, not being able to stay grounded in Inner Self is the work of an adult child of alcoholics and as you point out most of humanity as we have been conditioned to act from beliefs that have not encouraged or supported Inner Self awareness. I have been working to read John Bradshaw Homecoming to do exercises on becoming aware of and healing the parts of me that learned and are energetically invested in wounded beliefs.

    I also have Beyond Codependency, the workbook for Facing Codependence in my current books. I appreciate there where she tells us codependency is a disease of immaturity and helps us understand that not having an Inner Self is not a moral judgment, but a natural outcome of the environment we were raised in and needs not met at developmental stages that kept us from developing into full healthy functioning. We need to grow up the parts of ourselves that stopped growing, shut down with pain.

    Combining the overview that there is a process involved in healing and awareness of where triggers are to access them from these resources with the tools here to drop in and FEEL the stored energy to dissolve it and do the growing up of these parts feels truly encouraging. As does being able to drop in even deeper from the start points the resources provide into even deeper, more ancient wounds/misunderstandings with guidance here to FEEL and allow energy to move with blessing, acceptance, Inner Infinite Intelligence, Grace, Divine Support, True Soul presence.

    I am grateful for the opportunity to explore this embracing as the area I have experienced the most “symptoms” in is around chakra 2 “I Recognize Myself.” I understand that I did not have an environment that reflected my True Self or recognized my True Self as a Source unto me. When I was seperate as a Self all there was was deep fear. When I merged my energy with my parents very early on and experienced it as a source to them, there seemed to be safety so my identity, my existing became being a source to other.

    My safety, my survival was based on this. My identity was merged and it became that I only feel myself and only feel safe when I am merged in relationship. Being an individual is to feel pure terror. So, losing connection is a total loss of safety and of self.

    The questions that reflected this for me were other people’s moods determining mine (because I am merged with them), seeking and listening to other’s opinions and not being able to hear my own intuition, trying to control other’s behavior to be okay, trying to help others who are not responsible for themselves. All of the questions that were about my safety being determined by what others are doing and needing to focus on them to make sure my need for safety is met.

    Exercise Two: When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? What realisations has this granted you? How do you feel about this now?

    Recovering my emotional truth and personal power is a process for me. And I see how it requires a gentleness with myself asking the questions to find myself open to sharing. With the 30 day time frame, I find I can get a bit aggressive, feeling I need to find the answer and get it “done” now and I am the Source to me and it’s all up to me, so if I’m not doing it bang, bang, bang it means I’m just lazy or unwilling or don’t want to get it together, etc.

    So, it was important for me to take a deep breath and ALLOW the process to unfold vs the pushing I was feeling about needing to get it all done in 7 days actually for this section.

    The wounded part of me that provides answers when I lovingly ask what needs does this behavior meet for us? When did we start doing this? does not respond to more pushiness from me to heal it. So a big learning for me was to be aware of the energy I am bringing to myself, me to me, in the process of unraveling and is it conducive to a healing experience. Or am I trying to get it “done”?

    Am I being responsible, not lazy or slacking around, but neither being aggressive and anti-healing in my approach to healing!? It shifted things as for a few days I felt I needed to get all the answers in place now since it’s so easy and all I have to do is do it bang bang bang, etc. I realized gentleness in the process AND full commitment need to go together. The blessing and accepting, the gentleness are a necessary part of finding the reasons and having Infinte Intelligence shed light/give realizations.

    Exercise Three: How did you feel about reframing these times when you know you aren’t being authentic? Do you feel like you can apply yourself to changing these co-dependent patterns? Can you feel the difference this will make to outcomes in your life?

    Reframing at first felt like another to-do list that I likely would never succeed at until the shift I mentioned above. “Applying myself” felt like a mental effort I would have to work hard at to kind of battle myself into a new healthier way. But the shift left me feeling that “battle” has not worked as a way to change these patterns and what I have learned reading the wonderful support in the answers to us is that we need to not “fight” things, but allow and listen to them.

    Then “applying myself” is a much gentler more constant feeling. Am I willing to live in Truth, open to Infinite Inner Intelligence on a moment to moment basis, totally willing to listen, committed to listening and taking loving action? Yes. Does writing out from Love and Divine Imagination what some of the behaviors and patterns I do now may start to look like when I have redeveloped my Chakra 2 provide a kind of Light House, some inspiration or hope? Even creative fuel? To imagine how a person (an imagined healthier me) would approach relationships differently than the immature me does now…like looking at my future self and playing with what a healthier version of me might look or feel like? Does it even let me open my Spirit to the feeling that change is possible?

    It also helps me FEEL into parts that go “oh no…I couldn’t do that…that would be wrong, etc” to keep the inner conversation connected to what’s alive in me and bless, accept and be curious about what it means.

    I notice for me I don’t yet project anything about outcomes as I feel the healing process is about learning to be present with what is. And thinking a lot about outcomes for me takes me back into a feeling of trying to control. So just focusing on learning to LISTEN and hear what is alive and ask God to help feels full.

    Gratitude for another week of becoming more aware, of strengthening a connection to Inner Infinite Intelligence in practicing going in and listening to what is truly there in us to honor and learn and heal.

    Thank you.

    1. Living the Dream has again said for me what I was not proficient enough to say myself.
      “My safety, my survival was based on this. My identity was merged and it became that I only feel myself and only feel safe when I am merged in relationship. Being an individual is to feel pure terror. So, losing connection is a total loss of safety and of self. ”
      Merging, merging – A spiritual healer recently told me that my son had to be taken when he was 10 otherwise I would have hurt him, I loved him TOO much. I feel bad that I even tried to merge with my child when I wanted to be the mother I wished I’d had.
      Exercise 3 – Honestly Its a bit overwhelming to push forward into that stage for the purposes of a 30-day program when its taken over four decades so far. SO part of my connection to self (thanks to LTD and I hope this doesnt indicate that I am co-dependent on LTD speaking for me)is that Im not going to force it yet. Im still delving deep into my 17 aspects and they are taking hours each evening of reflection and writing in my special 30-day empowerment journal.
      Ive done these exercises before and they havent taken, in part because I am impatient, eager to change and be rid of the pain, pushing it away by thinking it’s cured now so I’m going to remind myself to focus and feel into it and maybe do a module each evening at the same time as the exercises so as to really do the work. Although I would love to keep up and maybe win the course, Mel has done so much and given so much , I am happy to pay for the next course but not until Im ready to make it happen.
      Each day is a struggle and I just want to focus on being easy with myself, managing the collapse (a term from a Psych NPD expert)when it comes and working without losing attention. Much love to Mel and thank you again for your deep response x

      1. Hi TJ,

        yes I agree that LTD has articulated this perfectly.

        And yes I agree – as I stated to LTD just then – it does not all have to be done straight away…. and it is important to honour your comfort level.

        It is wonderful that you are very committed to this (as I know LTD is too)…

        You are also doing a wonderful job TJ 🙂

        Love and hugs!

        Mel xo

    2. Hi Living The Dream,

      thank you for you share regarding your awarenesses regarding Question One – they are very humble and profound, and I am sure many people can relate to your response.

      That is wonderful that you are feeling great encouragement about going in to claim these wounds and dissolve them – I am so glad the processes are helping you 🙂

      Re Question 2 – that is great that you were kind with you and not succumbing to pressure, and feeling and allowing the process to take place.

      And re question 3 – yes it is the beingness, the desire to create a healthier path that helps us…and this desire is perfectly normal and healthy 🙂

      You are very welcome – and please know you don’t have to get it all done straight away -you can certainly process the tougher ones, and come back to others later…

      Realistically it can be a lot of work – and it does not ALL have to be done in this 30 days for you to keep posting and be eligible.

      You’re doing a wonderful job 🙂

      Mel xo

  38. Dear all, here are my answers to this weeks questions:

    Exercise #1: I answered ‘yes’ to all 22 points. This exercise helped me realize just how afraid I am of conflict. Clearly the biggest co-dependent areas for me personally are a) hanging on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better; b) when an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’, spending time analyzing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking; c) obsessing over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings; and d) finding it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when I feel uncomfortable.

    Exercise #2: When I tapped into my co-dependent areas, I discovered the main reason why I am afraid of conflict is the violence I suffered at home when I was a child. It seemed as if my father was always angry and shouting, while my mother stood on the sideline. This exercise has granted me the realization that I still carry this fear within me, and that ultimately this is why I have attracted crazy and dangerous men into my life. In a way I feel angry that my father could have treated me so badly when I was only a child. I know however that I have to forgive him before I can move on. He is in his 60s now but I try to only see him at family occasions.

    Exercise #3: This exercise was beautiful and challenging at the same time and definitely touched my inner beliefs. The mantras were extremely helpful and I have repeated them to myself daily to stop questioning myself so much. I feel the difficulty I had in performing this exercise has to do with the lack of investment in myself and my fear of making people angry if I get ahead in life. It’s as if I am doing everyone a favor by continuing to be a victim. I feel like I can apply to changing these co-dependent patterns if I am brave enough to put my needs first and stop worrying about what other people might feel and think. I definitely feel the difference this will make to outcomes in my life. It is hard work but equally rewarding.

    1. Hi P,

      That is great you have been so honest with yourself!

      This is fantastic awareness that you have gained – truly…

      I love that you are getting deep down into the ‘reasons’ and how they have been playing out in your life.

      Yes it really is going to be important to let go of the outer focus on your father with forgiveness, so that you can take your power back to heal this.

      That is wonderful that you are working with the mantras, challenging yourself, and reprogramming your beliefs.

      Truly, the insight you have gained and are now breaking free from is incredible.

      You are TOTALLY on the right track – fabulous stuff!!

      Mel xo

  39. Day 5-7 Rewriting the Script Exercise

    First and foremost i want to share that as a result of acting out of a true honest place, someone who was living with me moved out and even though i have not figured out how to pay the rent and other things they were supporting me with, i believe God of all the universe will take care of that cause i have never felt healthier and liberated with myself.
    To say the least i spoke out loudly because they have been harrassing me and instantly they packed and left.

    My re written script: I will speak my truth even if it entails being abandoned or left alone.

    I turned down an invitation to a group of friends party because i have an exam coming up and would rather channel my energies there than going to please.

    My re written script: I will speak my truth and trust and back it up by action cause only i knows what my true needs. I will not seek to please to the detriment of self and others. I will not try to control others by pleasing them rather i will control myself and honor my feelings.

    Second last example. I went to a restaurant and ordered what i wanted rather than what a colleague ordered. Funny enough, another lady ordered the same thing i did after asking me how i liked it!!
    Surely i want to be completely me cause it feels OK from within..

    Last example: I felt incredible feelings to judge a colleague who said they would choose a prostitute to have their baby instead of dealing with baby mom drama. I felt emotional pain and realized that i always judged others to feel better and righteous about myself and to make them realize how awful they were….It was the only way i felt powerful… I realized that i had no right to “fix” my colleague and blessed them on their journey and realized that i was able to put my energies in my car that was acting up…By blessing them on their journey instead of churning in anger at how awful they wer i put my energy where it was needed..My wellbeing and my transportation needs..

    Thank you Melanie!! much love rachel

    1. Hi Rachel,

      That is wonderful that you are walking your truth Rachel, because then whoever is not your truth will leave your life, and the people and situations that are will absolutely enter…that is fantastic that you honoured you and applied courage and authenticity 🙂

      I love that you said “No” to the invitation and placed a different food order, and honoured your needs – as well. This is fantastic, powerful and rapid progress.

      It is always so empowering when we see the real life results of our inner changes 🙂

      Wow, wow, wow re your awarneness regarding judgement directed at others….

      What can I say other than – I AM so proud of YOU!

      Thank you so much for this wonderful share 🙂

      Mel xo

  40. What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally?

    The biggest co-dependent area for me was analyzing other people’s lives. I actually ticked a yes to almost every one! I didn’t realize I was still so co-dependent. I spend a lot of time analyzing other people’s actions and how they relate to me in some way. I didn’t realize that I am putting my trust in things I cannot control.

    When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? What realisations has this granted you? How do you feel about this now?

    It seems to come natural for me to point the blame at others as well as make excuses really for why I don’t have what I have or where I am in life. I realized that I am fearful of rejection if I live my authentic self. Even though I trust myself more so than I ever have, I have am actually seeing the effects my new life and it’s not always easy to accept. I am not as close with certain friends as I used to be and I am analyzing my behavior more in response to that. I also feel I am seeing situations for what they truly are and I am sticking up for myself more often than I used to. This exercise further confirmed to continue tapping into my feelings about myself and just becoming more self centered in a healthy way which is something I have not learned how to do.

    How did you feel about reframing these times when you know you aren’t being authentic? Do you feel like you can apply yourself to changing these co-dependent patterns? Can you feel the difference this will make to outcomes in your life?

    I feel at times I am being selfish by sticking up for myself. However it is more painful to not be my true self than it is to be my true self. I do feel I can apply myself to change my co dependent behavior, I’m realizing that others in my life have expected me to act co dependently and that is why I’ve attracted so many less than situations because I’ve allowed it in my life. I know I have changed and it feels really good to live my truth. Life has not let me down. It’s still a struggle sometimes not being co dependent however it’s a necessary that I become independent emotionally. For so long I thought my independence was based on what I had on the outside, the house, cars, money, career, etc…but I wasn’t independent on the inside. I was looking for validation and still am in some respects. The Independency Mantras are really helping. They remind me of the truth of who I am deep inside.

    1. Hi Andrea,

      This is great that you have been able to understand how easy it is to hand our power over!

      These are fantastic inner awarenesses you have gained as a result of ‘going within’ – you have done a wonderful job of connecting to your ‘reasons’.

      I am glad you have now learned the importance and personal power in doing this.

      This is wonderful stuff, and fantastic to see you doing the 180 degree turn to creating your life from the ‘inside out’, instead of the ‘outside in’..

      This is what being ‘real’ is all about – and this is where the authentic joy and truth is!

      Great job Andrea, and thank you so much for your post 🙂

      Mel xo

  41. It seems that whenever I think I am “getting it” the universe throws me a test to see if I go into collapse and traditionally I always did or simply forgot the exercises I had “learnt” through various programs.
    “Dont take things personally” is so much bigger than it sounds. It also mans to not take on board the things we think other people think abut us, take on board their opinions and actions as higher value than our own.
    I had a marvellous empowering time with a good friend and when I left her, ran into a family I have known nearly 20 years – the mother looked at me as though she had never seen me and the daughters all walked away without saying hello – I felt the collapse coming on. Im a bad person. Ive done something wrong. Im selfish and blah blah blah. And then I thought Stop. These people are RUDE. I now for a fact Ive done nothing wrong as we have had no contact since last time so whatever is going on is their own stuff and if they dont want to communicate it, they arent much of a friend. As they say in modern business school – attract and repel – DOnt go after everyone desperately, only those who are a good fit for who you are.
    I am making the supreme effort to be authentically myself and not to behave how others want me to or how I think they would like me to in order for them to like me – Its a constant effort but I am making it a practice x

    1. Hi TJ,

      thank you for you post.

      Honey I want to be really straight with you here…because there is something you need to understand.

      Sweetie there is ‘no outside’..the real question you need to ask in order to take you power back on this is: ‘Why did I draw this experience to me and why did it trigger me’..

      The truth is every outer experience if it triggers us is ALWAYS related to an unhealed part – a defunct beleif we have inside ourself.

      This relates directly to the wound ‘I am bad / unacceptable’..

      This is why the Universe lined this experience up for you.So that you could recognise this and heal this wound.

      It is highly unusual for people to go out of their way ‘to be rude’ – that is an assumption.

      Before you arrived they could have been having a moment, something in their life was distracting them…etc. etc…

      The truth is you will not know ‘why’ – but ‘what did happen’ is the Universe supplied you the results of your belief about yourself via other people.

      The REAL ( and only) remedy is to go directly to and release – transform that belief. Then a) You will not ‘draw’ this expereince, and b) If you did it would create no trigger inside you whatsoever..

      I hope you understand this – and that I am delivering this message with the utmost sincerity and love, so that you CAN claim the true gift.

      Mel xo

      1. I thought I was doing really well in how I handled this. And what was intersting was in having such a great empowering day and night with my friend, I was hit with that experience. They weren’t having a moment – they made it very plan that they wanted nothing to do with me and I think anyone with any sensibility would have found that hurtful – the point is whether or not it puts me into the place of feeling Im rubbish, which I did not. Because I am not responsible for what other people think of me.
        Yesterday the Universe threw another gift in that a new friend showed me the scars where she slashed her wrists. We talked about how “normal” people change their attitude to you when bad things occur in your life – this has certainly happened to me in the past decade since my son was abducted. But the point is to carry on in my own truth x

  42. Exercise One:

    Okay let’s be honest! How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to? After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life? What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally?

    18, yes this was really an eye opener a relief to know Im not the only person thinking these things!! ha very relieving actually also to know that I dont have to think these things – I can let it go.. But scratched the bottom of where they were coming from. My biggest issue and caught myself out doing it recently- do you spend a lot of time worrying about what people think!! its my arch nemesis…ahhh anyway got a commitment written down to stop it so I will stick with that.

    Exercise Two:

    When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? What realisations has this granted you? How do you feel about this now?

    I realised that I didnt trust my own thoughts and feelings and I was worried I would make a mistake. Most of my power was with my ex-narc which is very strange to observe now that I have this knowledge to use and think with when he is around-very interesting and puts it all in its place. Also a lot of childhood memories and apparent issues. Also I have had mainly people in my life who were not on ‘my side’ or supported me. I have felt very alone for a long time. Not anymore though.

    Now I put my efforts into supporting my feelings,thoughts and intuitions without worrying about mistakes because I know mistakes are important anyway and Im usually right when I follow my gut.

    Exercise Three:

    How did you feel about reframing these times when you know you aren’t being authentic? Do you feel like you can apply yourself to changing these co-dependent patterns? Can you feel the difference this will make to outcomes in your life?

    Yes I feel I still need to work positively on reinforcing what I have written but I love reading this because when I read it it comes from within-sounds strange but then it makes me feel happy and strong because it makes sense. When I do catch myself out, I annalyse why im doing that-its usually for outside approval and I try to grant that for myself. to be cont’d ha.

  43. Exercise One:

    Okay let’s be honest! How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to? (17) After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life? ( I was aware of this and have done a lot of self healing in the past. Alot of my yeses were sometimes or in relationship vs always. I know that years ago I would have had 22 resounding yeses. I am glad to see improvement & glad to see what three item are still highly rated pains and in need of work) What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally? ( Leaving a person/ situation that is painful, for fear of being alone…not being able to find better)

    Exercise Two:

    When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? A lot of caretaking was required of me when I was young to receive love…so for me making others happy= getting love & making others angry = no love…not caretakung and keeping happy = rejection = alone = a deep reminder of aloneness in childhood which was terrifying ) What realisations has this granted you? (I know logically that as an adult I am capable of surviving & from all I have been through I am a survivor therefore I do not need to fear being alone as I once did. This fear is outdated.) How do you feel about this now? ( Hopeful that I can get the logic to sink into my ‘feeling of childhood fear’ but not 100% sure how).

    Exercise Three:

    How did you feel about reframing these times when you know you aren’t being authentic? ( I like the reframe but again, how do I absorb this as a feeling on a vibrational level. I can know this ,write it & read it but don’t 100% feel it??) Do you feel like you can apply yourself to changing these co-dependent patterns? ( Trying trying trying) Can you feel the difference this will make to outcomes in your life? ( I have worked for years on these issues as I know how they effect me…I just want to be healed, fully accepting & full!!!)

    I really want to win so I can try your program, bc I cannot currently afford to buy it!!! S I know I’m behind but please include me 😉

  44. Exercise One:

    Okay let’s be honest! How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to? (17) After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life? ( I was aware of this and have done a lot of self healing in the past.
    of my yeses were sometimes or in relationship vs always. I know that years ago I would have had 22 resounding yeses. I am glad to see improvement & glad to see what three item are still highly rated pains and in need of work) What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally? ( Leaving a person/ situation that is painful, for fear of being alone…not being able to find better)

    Exercise Two:

    When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? A lot of caretaking was required of me when I was young to receive love…so for me making others happy= getting love & making others angry = no love…not caretakung and keeping happy = rejection = alone = a deep reminder of aloneness in childhood which was terrifying ) What
    realisations has this granted you? (I know logically that as an adult I am capable of surviving & from all I have been through I am a survivor therefore I do not need to fear being alone as I once did. This fear is outdated.) How do you feel about this now? ( Hopeful that I can get the logic to sink into my ‘feeling of childhood fear’ but not 100% sure how).

    Exercise Three:

    How did you feel about reframing these times when you know you aren’t being authentic? ( I like the reframe but again, how do I absorb this as a feeling on a vibrational level. I can know this ,write it & read it but don’t 100% feel it??) Do you feel like you can apply yourself to changing these co-dependent patterns? ( Trying trying trying) Can you feel the difference this will make to outcomes in your life? ( I have worked for years on these issues as I know how they effect me…I just want to be healed, fully accepting & full!!!)

    I really want to win so I can try your program, bc I cannot currently afford to buy it!!! I know I’m behind but please include me 😉

  45. I am saving your workshop for today about the mantras and exercises they are amazing
    but most important is what I read yesterday and heard you talk about was the palatable brain chemistry that makes you stay with the narcissistic psychopathic personality disorder person like a drug for 29 years
    you have answered the questions I have been seeking for more than 10 years I finally divorced the monster narcissistPersonality disorder psycho pathic husband took back my name
    after much counseling of all types of medications you answered the question I’ve been seeking
    the actual addiction that I explain to the therapists the drug the releasing high feeling when the narcissist psychopath finally changes faces and becomes” kind again “
    I am astonished but you have solved the problem nobody else could’ve
    I am forever grateful and will be watching your and listening to your workshops I wish there was a retreat a place to go away to study your mantra possibly have you there speaking
    if there is anything like this I would love to know given the virus and not being able to get away I was celebrating three years of divorce by going away on 11 day cruise that was canceled
    Having your voice and words come into my home and fill me with inner peace has been a lifesaver I thank you
    Maxine

    1. Hi Maxine,

      I am so pleased that you come across my information and that is helping so much.

      I really do believe that the truth does help set us free, so much.

      I am so sorry that your cruise has been cancelled, yet this is still such a celebration of you regaining and healing yourself.

      You are on your way!

      Maxime, I really encourage you to have a look at my core healing program NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp because that is where the membership and the magic truly happen within this community. It also connects you to a 24/7 Membership of Thrivers who are your soul brothers and sisters who understand exactly what you have been through, as well is what it takes to fully recover and thrive. This is the entire step-by-step process that I and so many others have used to completely detox our inner beings and free ourselves to our True glorious Self and Life.

      I can’t recommend NARP enough as the total system to achieve this.

      Sending you so much love

      Mel 🙏💕💚

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