Cognitive Dissonance is a very important topic because it is something everyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse encounters.
It is a normal human brain function that operates to protect us, but when we are trying to create a life free of abuse and stop getting hurt, and leave and hold No Contact …
It has the opposite effect.
Even if you’ve learnt extensively about Cognitive Dissonance, this video will help shed light on WHY this phenomenon is really happening, how it makes it so difficult to leave and what you can do to free yourself from it.
The MTE team are doing something a little different with Thriver TV this week by publishing the video on the blog.
We want everyone to have the information and tools they need to recover, and by publishing on the blog we hope people who don’t know about Thriver TV will be able to access the information.
I have absolutely loved the conversations we have been having along with each Thriver TV episode.
Sooo …. if you would like to join the conversation please leave a comment on the blog, I respond to as many comments as I can.
“when someone abuses you and is NASTY then you go in and love them more…. you had to try to minimize the damage by giving them what they wanted or loving them more or taking all the blame or whatever it took to calm you down, to change you, to make you different so that you are not going to annihilate me”… you sure hit the nail on the head for me. The childhood we had in our family was exactly that way… of course nothing worked that way and she still beat us mercilessly. No more repeating of that pattern in my life any more.
The other reason I stayed… he had convinced me he was my Twin Flame.. and that type of relationship is not an easy one according to many things on line… now if someone says that term to me I would turn and walk away.
Thanks for the video. I too broke NC more times than I ever thought I could. Recently I discovered he has started a new relationship with someone else and during this time he has also attempted to contact me via text. How disturbing! Even though I know this, I STILL suffer from cognitive dissonance, and do feel like I am going crazy from time to time. I have had numerous types of therapy, and don’t find it helpful where this is concerned. Lately I have been stuck in rumination mode, and exhaustion.
Hi Olivia,
You are very welcome.
Truly, many of us had tried every therapy imaginable until we got onto doing the work directly in our subconscious.
That is why I am so passionate about it – because it works, for all the reasons I talk about in this video!
I can’t recommend enough that you try NARP https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp (there is absolutely no risk to do so) and also please come into my next Webinar Group.
There is a way out of this Olivia … truly.
Mel xo
I have learned so much from you Melanie. I looked inward went to my child inside. I felt a lot of relief because I understood what I was doing and why. I’ve been no contact now for 4 weeks but there have been times that I wanted to break down. I haven’t. She has a new, I hesitate to say Supply, but she does have a sexual partner that has money. I don’t know anything else about the relationship. where did frees me knowing that she has somebody else. she has not tried to Hoover me. there’s a part of me that would like her to Hoover me maybe because it would let me know if she really cared about me.. I’ve been told that if she calls I should answer call and just act nonchalant. I don’t know if I can do that especially because I initiated the no contact. I still feel vulnerable. it’s very very hard for me to realize who she really is. I still have the hope that she is normal. basically I feel better not having her in my life as difficult as it is to admit that.
Hi Mel, I have been in the cognitive dissonance all my life, everything I have done in life was from a wounded child trying to fix it all
Ditto on the twin flame thing – I was also convinced.
But there are no mistakes and depending on how intense your relationship was, it probably was a soul contract – just not the one with the ending we originally hoped for.
So true Kg,
the most impactful relationships I believe were soul contracts.
Absolutely!
And ultimately their purpose is about delivering us home to ourselves.
Mel xo
Kg… there was most assuredly a Soul Contract with him, of that I have NO doubt. I no longer believe the Twin Flame stuff because we are truly whole Our Self and we are not looking for any other “half”. That term is VERY, VERY dangerous and many Cluster Bs use it to keep their target with them. … I know several in those “relationships” that are extremely abusive but they do not leave for the same reason I didn’t, because we are convinced we can “help heal them” after all they are our “other half”.
Hi HilmaRose,
I am so pleased this resonated with you ….
So great you have broken these patterns.
Bless!
Mel xo
Thank you for this session. It’s such a heartbreaking experience. It’s only been about 3 months since the relationship ended. We were supposed to go shopping for rings on the same weekend I heard from the “other woman”. I was devestated, and still grieving. He is an extremely intelligent and successful man. I just don’t know how to make sense of this.
Hi ! I can completely relate to your feeling of ” I can’t make sense of this ” I lived that way for years , looking at houses , rings . Only to find out he had another secret life . Don’t try to make sense of a senses person . The most freeing moment I have ever had in my life was when I let go of trying to make sense of all of this . Narsasists don’t think like we do , they live in a completely different reality ! It will never make sense , but be glad that you are free of that monster and never look back ! Best of luck
Hi M,
you are welcome.
Yes it feels brutal when we are in the thick of it, and my heart goes out to you – it is so painful in the discard.
Cognitively truly M, it is impossible to make sense of it – unless we just focus on the N’s disordered self, and that doesn’t help (really) … because we are still looking at a long drawn out and torturous recovery ….
Yet, when we turn inwards and start healing it at that level …
I promise you not only does it make incredible sense … we also get FULL relief, liberation and empowerment from it.
That is what the Thriver Work and Programs are all about.
Mel xo
you are inspiring…thank you.
Hi Ana,
my pleasure and I am so pleased my work helps.
Mel xo
You have said it all, my first separation from my husband took me three good years to make it happen. I was in and out the relationship with 2 suicide attempts and numberless fights and arguments. at the end I couldnt make it to the court and settled for separation. I was too scared of getting the divorce. after three years of separation I came back to him feeling so much love and connection to him. for the past 2 years now I have been living hell on earth with him. his crazy obsession in making me come back to him is gone and I am back to the old pattern which is “is it me or is it him” “could I sustain this pain or is it too much to take” and finally the big question “should I leave or should I stay”. My biggest question is why everybody from outside keep telling me HE LOVES YOU..HE SPEAKS HIGHLY OF YOU!? I know he is a show off and might be showing me off to his friends by saying nice things about me..but is that all?? I heard from you Melani that the narcissist tends to talk badly about their spouses. so what is happening here?
Aseel, I too had a husband whom talked well of me to his friends and they would tell me “But he loves you …” It confused me for years …..it’s the narcs way of looking good to the outside world …but behind closed doors was not always loving ….. They send you absolutely crazy…..take heart ….I am 7 mths out of my predicament and have very few moments (I am proud to be saying moments now not days and weeks ) where I reminisce the good times and think maybe just maybe I got it wrong. Clearly I didn’t get it wrong, he was vicious at times , demanding and controlling. Life was all about him and he always had an excuse . I too made the mistake of excuses for him to family and friends it must have broke their hearts watching me battle this for 24 years before leaving for good. My young 24 year old son ended up saying mum you need to go he shouldn’t treat you this way ….and guess what…..I took a long hard look at myself and decided that if I was going to salvage and keep my four children’s respect they had for me then I had to start showing them I could respect myself . I’m doing it ….I’m Killin’ it …… I’m marching away. Still going thru’ the financial legalities and it’s scary but I’m going to show my family how strong their mother is. I’m going to shine …stand up for yourself it gets easier ….Yu will find yourself again Goodluck ?
Hi Jillian and Aseel, our stories are so similar, 24 years for me too Jillian with everyone convinced that he adored me because he used to ‘big me up’ but in ways that had nothing to do with the real me. I have also discovered since our split eleven months ago that he used to suggest to others that I considered myself superior to them! I used to find him unbearable to be with socially because of the way he made me feel, very exposed and uncertain. I knew that something wrong was happening but couldn’t understand what. Now I do. As one friend says he was determined to isolate me and ingratiate himself. Thank goodness I have always done a lot of voluntary work and mentoring with children, and they can’t be fooled. He is very prominent in our community, charming, erudite etc but now it seems that there are many who have always seen through him, thank goodness.
Melanie this video has been the most significant and painful for me, exposing a new awareness to take to the modules. Where to start?! I have felt stuck again recently with burning pains in my body that I keep taking to modules without understanding ‘what this is all about’. This is it, a new level of truth to absorb and heal. Thank you.
Good luck Aseel and Jillian, and blessings. I pressed post too early above so this is a p.s. I am also going through the financial legalities Jillian and as you say scary. Chin up both, many blessing and hugs ???
Hi Jan,
It is great that this video has allowed you to connect to some deeper truths to shift.
That means more evolution is on its way for you!!
Jan, please come into the NARP Forum and ask for help there with any questions you have about your healing journey and Modelling and anything related.
That is exactly what it is there for, as the lifetime, all-time amazing support resource it is!
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Myself and the other Thrivers will love to work with you on this in there.
Mel xo
Hi Jillian,
Thank you for supporting Assel with your comment.
Which was spot on …
I wish you all the best in your journey of being the women who does live a powerful truth for your children, and yourself.
That we all deserve better, and loving ourselves first and foremost is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves and others.
Bless you!
Mel xo
My experience is similar to yours I am also 24yrs of marriage. He has treatened me to leave but I cannot leave without my 11yr old. I have done the webinar and hope to graduate to NARP. my problem is mostly scacity consciousness as well as the cognitive dissonance .I am looking for a place and when the time is up I will leave with my daughter.
Hi Aseel,
I am so sorry you are going through this horrible battle.
This can TOTALLY happen – that he makes out “he is the model partner” and you are so lucky to have him.
It would be when you get strong and up and out that the smearing would begin.
Aseel, this is promise you with ALL of my heart that whenever we have the focus on THEM trying to work out what they are doing it and why they are doing it we are in Wrong Town.
Our focus can only be in one place at the one time, and every time it is on THEM we are forgoing precious time to heal, love and recover ourselves.
When everything in our emotions is being broken down it means we are sick … we need to get well.
And truly when we do – THAT is when we get full answers.
At the beginning it goes like this … “I have to recover myself … I need to do something to get well.”
And what happen so often is we keep stuck in all the old strategies that have not been working.
Meaning if we want a different results we need to to try something different.
That is where this Quantum Revolutionary work comes in.
I can’t recommend that you look at my NARP Program https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and free Webinar Group work https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar enough.
This I also want you to understand, the healing processes I do are actually never about “whether or not the other person is a narcissist” they are about us fully recovering ourselves so that we can generate a great life and then people who have the capacity to be healthy can rise up and generate it with us (because we now create that) or they don’t.
And if they don’t – we easily can walk away without the confusion.
That is what true relationship healing is all about.
Us becoming solidly what it is we want to and can receive.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie
This was one of the Best by you for me so far! I saw my Mom letting me cry for hours and she told me the Dr’s told her to . 🙁
Hi Cindy,
I am so pleased this resonated for you.
Mel xo
This is so validating Mel, thank you once again. I’ll finish this post in the forum.
Hi Tricia,
my pleasure 🙂
Mel xo
Excellent video! Love it
Totally true. I found a lot of excuses to be in my toxic relationship and every time I regretted. But I am finally found the way to the EXIT. I am working with Quanta freedom healing and it is working. I am doing a partner with my little girl and I have found that the gap is closing every time more and more.
I recommend to everyone that is suffering this horrible situation to try it. It took me time to realize that this toxic relationship not only was taking my life apart but also mi kid’s life! there is hope. Thanks God!! And please please Don’t give up, just keep moving forward to your healing; partnering with your little ones. Thank you Melanie! !!!
Hi Sanndy,
I am so pleased you enjoyed it, and that QFH is working for you!
Keep healing! You are doing great 🙂
Mel xo
Hello Melanie, I have been following you for nearly 3 weeks now. I desperately need help I know. I m just so frightened to take the first step. I knew there was something wrong with my soon to be ex husband of 26 yrs..should have realised..I am Registered Mental Health Nurse,with 30 yrs experience. It took you to come into my life to identify what he is . I can’t tell you my story yet. I’m starting to hyperventilate , can’t concentrate, can’t get him out of my head, can’t believe what he has done to me. On Paroxetine 40mg. Suicidal thoughts. Please help me start to recover Ann
Return to nature. Read ‘Conversations with God’. Do thework.com. Do Melanie’s NARP.
Ann, it is bit by bit, day by day. All I can say is what you resist, persists. Feel the pain – let it flow through you. Release it. Look up the cartoon my Michael Leunig with the line ‘let a stray dog lick it’ and post it everywhere. This experience is part of who you are and if you ended it YOU WOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT ALL AGAIN WITH THIS PERSON IN THE NEXT LIFE. You are only very out of touch with your soul – but you will find your way back.
Embrace it, accept it, ENJOY IT. I’m not joking with you – with the healing waves that wash upon you over time, bit by bit, day by day, month by month, you will be the Ann you never knew you could ever be. You will be a shining diamond, more fabulous than you ever were.
You are connected to the divine – you ARE the divine. Life loves you and is on your side.
You are withdrawing from a drug. Keep busy. And – go easy on yourself. Be kind. The words you use are the antithesis of self-hate. Don’t ever let this person win – we are all with you because the NARP community has all been through it. Just let is wash over you. Don’t be afraid. It’s love or fear – choose love. Life is on your side.
Thank you KG….I’m really. trying. I feel so humble that you have taken the time to write to me so kindly and supportively. It helped me feel not so alone Thank you x
Big hugs Ann, you are not alone. You will find many friends on the NARP program who will understand, which is always such a relief. Also the 3Steps to Recovery free webinar that Melanie runs (which is free, links on her website) is superb. Have faith, you will survive and ultimately thrive if you trust.
After a 24+ year marriage to a husband with full blown NPD I am happier now than for decades, and so much calmer in myself. I still have a long way to go and this video has triggered more things for me to heal thank goodness.
Many blessings and courage ???
My pleasure Ann. You are worth it – in time, that’s what your healing will teach you. Your soul knows this.
Michael Leunig has so many wonderful poems that can reach you. He’s on Facebook. Here is one of them –
“Come sit down beside me, I said to myself.
And although it doesn’t make sense,
I held my own hand as a small sign of trust
And together I sat on the fence.”
Print them out – put affirmations all around your house. Make an affirmations board on Pinterest. Follow on Facebook and read Neale Donald Walsch, Brian Weiss, Byron Katie, Sonia Choquette, Bruce Lipton, Louise Hay, Robert Holden/The Happiness Project.. Do your work. It isn’t an easy ride – it’s not supposed to be. But if you need to tell yourself that you’ll be seeing this person in the next life to continue this life lesson – you’ll he figuring all this crap out in this life really quick! God forbid that ever happening again.
Visual reminders and affirmations everywhere. Take a walk morning and night every day and breathe in the moments. Make a garden and watch things grow – even if it’s in pots. Remember Life Loves You (and buy that book). And promise to do one thing for yourself every day.
Namaste ?
Kg – your wonderfully supportive advice throughout this forum is a pleasure to read and your recommendations for the books and programs you listed are excellent (I have loved them all)! I agree 100% that this is the way to keep your mind and spirit healthily engaged and nurtured as you do the NARP program (along with excellent nutrition, exercise and much rest).
Hi Ann,
Please breathe and know this is one step at time process.
What is most important, and starts to give relief in the fastest and most powerful way is turning our attention inwards and starting to do the work in our body.
I can’t recommend NARP https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and the NARP Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member (which comes with Gold NARP) … enough Ann.
And you have no risk, there are full guarantees provided, and incredible support from our NARP Community.
This where recovery happens more effectively than anything else I know of.
It is just a matter of taking that first step and then you have that level of support and tools to get better in Quantum Ways.
Hugs and hang in there, and know there is a way out of this!! Truly …
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
You don’t know how much your video was helpful, but not helpful enough for me to break through my pain, I am 28 years old, I gone into abusive relationship for 7 years since the age of 18 , I finally broke up with him after having to report him to the police , … 9 months ago I got into another abusive relationship & he actually broke up with me & me being my self I shut down & I wouldn’t try to contact him ever again, however last night I just couldn’t sleep , I felt sorry for my self , I had nightmares , I can not stop thinking about him , yes I do want to contact him (I haven’t so far ) I know I won’t because I learned to live with my inner pain for a long long long time & I am reaching this point of breaking down , inside of me I am shattered to pieces – I am not stupid , I learned a lot in my life I am very aware, I have a little knowledge that keeps me going by through my life. But i am living in pain when I am abused ( on the surface there is no way on earth anyone would know anything about it ) I really need help & advice – Thank you
Hi Suzanne,
It is very true that “information alone” is usually not enough.
For trauma, we do need to do the “transformational work” in our bodies. Otherwise we are always trying to manage trauma for within the range that we can only think – which is positioned around “trying to manage the trauma”.
It is like a dog chasing its own tail.
We need to break that cycle by addressing the trauma directly in your body and up-levelling it.
Then the self-perpetuating loop gets broken and we start to get well.
Suzanne I promise you I would not be alive today unless I found those tools, so please know I understand totally what it is that you mean!
That is why I developed the NARP Program- because first of all Quanta Freedom Healing is what provided me with a medically impossible breakthrough recovery, and also it has been able to help thousands of people world-wide who could not beat this trauma no MATTER how much information they found.
We have to do the work on our young original wounds inside us to get free and that is exactly what NARP does.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Please also know, as I have expressed here over and over, I THOROUGHLY suggest also coming into my next Webinar Group – because the people who attend get such a super-boost to the healing.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Suzanne please know there is a way out of this – a way that not only works but also unlocks for you access to the Life you really were born to live.
Not this one of trauma.
Big hugs and I hope you take the next step.
Mel xo
Hey there, I’m a few weeks into the aha moment and have been educating myself into narcissistic abuse as a result. The more I read the more slips into place and the more I realise our 2.5 year relationship was a lie. Some things do confuse me though. His aggression was very very passive, we only had about two rows face to face, but because we lived an hour away most were by text. I now believe that he used certain methods such as the silent treatment to make me upset, to cause a row, so that he was able to “silent treatment ” me. I went back after 5 months away last time. The lovebombing definitely happened and I view everything with different eyes now. Every time I would get a silent treatment, lasting months sometimes, he would come back with all the promises and declarations. It makes me sick now to think how he must have been laughing to himself. As I said though, he didn’t really shout and rage, his anger was cold hard silence, nothing I could say would get through until he was ready. The cognitive dissonance video was great as I’m definitely wondering now if it really was all him, or if it was my fault. Guess it’s going to be one heck of a journey. This is the first time I have posted on one of these forums, although I’ve read many and found them to be an amazing resource.
Hi Laura, those silent months work wonders for the narcissist eh. I am out of the relationship now can’t believe I went 8 mths with him not talking to me early on in our relationship and as above in another comment I replied to he would be out telling everyone of his friends his great I was and our life was …… They are pure evil inside and they take away our and use up our kind giving hearts …..never in my life had I experience a human like it …… Can pick em a mile off now ….. I’ve become very very strong ….still kind but kindest to myself ?
I’m just shocked that during all of those times I was desperate to stop the punishment (the silent treatment), I wasn’t being true to myself and listening to what my gut had said all along. I actually had a break down last year and he sent me pictures of the fun he was having outside of hospital. Never came to see me and I still went back!!
Thanks for the reply. I like to think I will be able to spot these people a mile off, now I think I presume everyone will be the same as I really believed the declarations. Find it hard to believe that I will trust anyone again. I’m glad you are out of it! Hope there is a lot of light at the end of your tunnel. I mean do we ever get back to trusting again?!
Laura, narcissists do a lot of things unconsciously. He wouldn’t have been laughing to himself – and to think this thought is only hurting you. However, we’ve all been there – all the thoughts that pop up after the fact and the ‘how could I have been so stupid!?’ moments. I spent A LOT of time in my shower, washing away the dirty feeling of ever having let this predator in.
He was just getting what he could to feel good, feel like he was ‘someone’ in the reflection of another by manipulating situations to get control – and he may very well have been unconscious to that. But make no mistake – he will never be conscious – it cannot be fixed. Don’t even try.
However, the relationship was co-created. I recommend Melanie’s NARP, and Neale Donald Walsch’s 7-week program. Also, Byron Katie’s ‘The Work’ will also empower you. It’s very easy to fall into a trap of victimhood with thoughts like those hurtful ones, but it only disempowers you further.
Your relationship was PERFECT in the scheme of things. Now you are free to reclaim and discover yourself for the first time, who YOU are and connect with your soul. How wonderful! In time you will thank this person, thank God that he was in your life. He only served to deliver you back to yourself, to listen to your soul for the very first time – and actually hear it.
Now is a time for much healing and self-discovery to be the very best version of who you can be – and never abandon yourself again. If you look behind at other relationships and are honest with yourself, abandoning the self isn’t a new thing. You will do it again if you don’t take this lesson as a kick in the butt to get your shit into gear.
Good luck! 🙂
Thank you so much Kg, I’m trying not to be feel like a victim, and to make it a positive experience in my life. It’s very early days at the moment though. I’m more annoyed about how I let him around my children, he made them all the promises too and proceeded to break most of them. He would tuck them in at night and tell them he loved them too. Then every discard for years he has disappeared with not so much as a thought for them.
I’m having the how could I have been so stupid moments because so many people around me tried to tell me, but I didn’t listen because I knew the “real” him. Luckily I figured it all out before we moved in together, I think a very different monster would have emerged when he didn’t have to put the face on at all. Then I would have been trapped, so I’m grateful and trying to stay positive.
I knew he had issues straight from the start when he told me everyone cheated on him and he was needy and jealous as a result. I even got accused of flirting at work, I’d get questioned about every man on social media. Then the couple of times when I did think “hang on a minute what about you”. Well that’s when the punishments really kicked in. How dare I question him, didn’t I trust him etc etc…
I suppose it would have been more obvious from the start if it was shouting and raging, but it’s taken me this long to realise the aggression was no different because it was done quietly. The ironic thing is I want to do my masters in mental health, he said I could study him… Why didn’t that comment make me run for the hills! I did want to fix him, but I accept now that I can’t and feel pity for him.
I am starting to find myself again, learning to trust my gut a lot more and this is a journey that will be empowering, I’m determined not to let it break me or change who I was.
Laura welcome to one of Melanie’s forums and well done! It takes courage and a certain amount of acceptance to be here. If you haven’t looked at Melanie’s Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) then I thoroughly recommend it. I was sceptical at first but it has and is saving my sanity and helping me to cope with his continued bullying through the financial and court processes. It has also helped me piece my life back together notwithstanding his behaviour and partial presence (he lives next door and I can’t move until settlement). I also recommend the Three Steps to Revovery program that Melanie runs which is free. I did it after joining NARP and still found it significantly useful.
Big hugs, know that you are not alone and that you can HEAL and thrive, not just survive this experience. ???
The main thing is to get really real with yourself. In Neale Donald Walsch’s 7 week course the first week is about recognition. The five levels of truth telling. Our assignment was to
1. Tell 5 truths to yourself about yourself (you could make it about the red flags you saw or go back to a moment in time where your soul didn’t love this person). Why stop at 5 if you have more?
2. Tell the truth to yourself about another – this could be all the things you never liked about him and if you could take the co-dependent glasses off and had no desire to help him (because we were all ‘savers’ or ‘fixers’) what do you really see?
3. Tell the truth about yourself to another. Don’t waste this on the narcissist because he really could not care. Not does not care – actually could not care. Maybe someone who tried to tell you the truth about him.. someone safe. He would only see you telling him as an invitation to prey on your altruism again.
4. Tell your truth about the other person to that other person – I didn’t do that. I wrote it down instead. I guess in the normal scheme of things it might liberate you to be able to tell people the truth about them and let go of the fear of being real with people. But we’re in no contact – and – they don’t care. Telling them would be more a fixer move – so you could tell a safe friend about that person again and use it more as a reflection of what drew to that person in the first place. There is a co-dependency module in NARP to do instead.
5. Tell the truth to everyone about everything…. but soothe your words with peace. ?
Because we lied to ourselves for so long, I think this exercise should be repeated again and again, every day if needed. But under no circumstances contact the N about it. This is not about them / this is about you. Self-forgiveness is a huge part of process – I have done Melanie’s forgiveness module in the NARP many times. It takes the emotional charge out of your body and heals you over time. Because yes, as we become more healed we can feel disgust with ourselves for letting this person into us. But with the module it can be cleaned out – also coming to the new perception that actually it was all right – your soul always knew better – it was just tor human experience that was confused. It was confused because your soul knew better and you weren’t listening! So I recommend Melanie’s NARP, and Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God series and then his course once you are ready for that heavy leap. And Byron Katie’s thework.com. Her Judge Your Neighbour worksheet really turns your perception around.
If you really get this life lesson, your whole perception about what life is about will change and you will thank God ever day for ever meeting this person. I know it’s hard to believe now, but you will also forgive him and wish him well.
Look on the bright side – you don’t have children with him and don’t live together. You’ve already ‘beaten’ him in this human experience (from his point of view and for a while, ours) by getting away from him. Every day you have no contact, you hold your own hand – and those of your kids.
Namaste ?
Hi Laura,
it is incredibly, confusing and in ANY toxic relationship – not just one with an N – many games can be played.
But what IS essential is this Laura – regardless of “what” that person is or “what they do” – it is so important that we heal and up-level our old wounds so that we are showing up as authentic.
Then we no longer are the other half of the “game”.
We ask for what we need, we have solid lines and boundaries and we know what we deserve, and if someone doesn’t step up to the plate – because our Inner Identity is no longer at a level of woundedness – they lose all “shine” to us.
We actually get turned off, uninspired and we let go, take our attention to what and who IS match for us and start generating relationship opportunity with people who have the resources to show us as “adult” “avalaible” and “honest”.
I promise you with all of my heart Laura, that mature grown adults don’t stay attached to and participating in this rubbish.
It is only when we are still wounded Inner Children that we do … and THAT is what we need to focus on healing.
That is what my Healing Programs are about … developing ourselves to that level – and then there is NO need to try to work out anyone else …
It was always about creating ourselves to be healthy.
I hope this helps you understand.
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie! Greetings from Sweden…
Hi Xavante,
my pleasure,
greetings back to your from Australia dear one! 🙂
Mel xo
Melanie,
I actually had this when the police arrived after I called them. When they asked me what had happened, I could not recall anything. It wasn’t until weeks later that I remembered everything. It is so frustrating because the courts and police will assume you are a frivolous case.
Jac
Hi Jac,
our liberation and salvation truly is on freeing ourselves.
We may get justice (in human terms), we may not.
The greatest “justice” is the one our Soul receives, when the experience with the N has allowed us to up-level young wounds that would have never allowed us to be our most Radiant and Fulfilled Selves.
And without the N experience, highlighting the wounds, I know (myself personally) I could never have got there.
Mel xo
If there is help for us abused by a narcissist; with this program and other helpful resources, and seeing you Melanie….you are amazing, helping so many after your recovery…..then to me, there HAS to be help for the actual narcissist. How can there be no hope or help for a person? We are all spiritual beings who at the core are pure, positive love. I sometimes think it is so mean to disregard a person and mark them as evil and just run from them. At some point in time, people like us who have been abused by a narcissist were once thought to be ruined forever, but now with programs like yours, we are living better, happier lives. Why not create a program that helps the actual narcissist?
Producing a program like that would be pointless in most cases because they’re ‘unconscious’ people as Melanie says. Someone that’s just running off their feelings and does whatever makes them feel good can’t be helped as they don’t even see they have a problem. Anyway trying to ‘fix’ someone else or help them when they think all is ok is codependent no matter that it seems like doing a good turn. It’s up to them to decide they need to change but due to the nature of the disorder, hardly any of them realise it – apart from a few diagnosed NPDs over on places like Psychforums.com. Taking the focus off them and concentrating on yourself is far more productive.
It is taken as an accepted truth in the narcissist recovery community that Narcisists can not be treated. This is because they cannot see they have a problem.
It was explained to me with this analogy: Picture a tree with normal straight roots. That represents those of whose brains and hearts have grown normally, to have integrity and empathy.
Now picture a tree whose roots hit rocks underground and have to twist and turn to grow. Once shaped thus, these roots can’t ever straighten out. That’s just how they developed and they will forever be so.
Patty, a lovely thought but help can only be available to those who want to help themselves. The NARP program is designed to enable people to help themselves recover, and this can include a narcissist. However as it is in the nature of their condition that the fault and problem always lies elsewhere it is improbable they would seek help, especially help that depended upon them doing the work themselves.
Narcissists by nature have a tortuous disconnection with truth, in fact their perceptions change constantly to suit their requirements in any given situation. No recovery program could provide for that as recovery is always based on loving but determined self exploration, honesty and integrity.
Healing ourselves is all we can hope to do and by our integrity, compassion and strength show a better way to ourselves and our loved ones. ?
Hi Patty,
There would be help for the narcissist, IF the narcissist decided to help themselves.
Patty no-one gets better – NO-ONE – unless they are willing to take personal responsibility and say “I need to meet myself, get to the bottom of this and heal this WITHIN myself.”
Patty there is no difference between ANY of us … non-narcissist or narcissist in that the dysfunction in our life is to do with trauma stuck within us.
And the ONLY criteria for getting well PERIOD with any of us is this:
“Will I go to, meet, and take personal responsibility to heal myself from that trauma or NOT?”
That is where people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and some Perpetual Victims) fall down – they don’t do it.
Patty no-one else can do it for them (or us even) – EVER.
We can all see the results of that … and more than that, when people try to do it for them – it always means that are NOT taking responsibility for their own healing – which is all anyone can ever do..
BE The change they want to see in the world.
I hope this helps – and its really important Patty that you let go and allow N’s and everyone to do their own journey, HOWEVER they choose to, and focus fully on your own.
This article of mine may help you understand some deep truths with this too.
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-soul-contract-with-a-narcissist/
Please know ultimately at Soul Level Ns don’t miss out on salvation – NO-ONE does.
Because there is no-where else to go other than to God / Source.
Nothing else exists.
I hop this helps.
Mel xo
Im on my second try to break away from the insanity after 32 years of marriage. Filed for divorce 13 years ago but he made an Oscar winning performance asking me to come,back saying how sorry he was.. Within months I realized not only had nothing changed ..it was worse than before.. Mental, emotional , financial abuse and conning my youngest (adult age) son into his destructive plots. My son still won’t have any contact with me. So I filed a second time .. I’ve done and felt everything you said in this video, Melanie. Established no contact even though it’s costing a fortune legally .. At 61 it’s devastating to try and start over .. And still after all he’s put me through I keep thinking maybe that wasn’t as bad as this pain now….I’ve had sleepless nights anxiety depression suicidal thoughts .. How do I try to get a job or function for the future in this cognitive dissonant mindset ..my family is so exhausted from trying to help convince me …stay away from him no matter how hard it gets.
Do not ruminate any longer………see my blog letter down further here.
I am in the same situation Caroline. He has conned my son and used my son to cover up his lies. I am fighting everyday to keep a relationship with him. I am also fighting everyday to save my family after what this man has done to me. He Bullied me out of our home, had an affair with a coworker in our house and let her stay there “because she had nowhere to go” while no remorse for discarding me after 20 years and making me homeless. I have now got my own apartment but he is gaslighting and triangulating, and is now trying to make me the OW or side chick, how can he do this to me? Make me some second place bitch after I dedicated my heart and soul to him for so long ?. Giving me false hopes of reconciliation, telling me he wants to work things out, he loves me one day then next day its back to how dare I question him, its none of my business where he was or who is was with. He goes running around the bars/restaurants without even thinking twice about inviting me, and walks out the door and gets in his car and takes off, leaving me behind. I think he is still seeing our coworker, I know for a fact they text each other and if I say anything about it he gets defensive and enraged, screaming and spitting in my face, telling me its none of my business what she is texting him for. He has mentally, emotionally,physically and financially destroyed me to the core, I had a full nervous breakdown and now suffer from PTSD, anxiety, depression and now i have developed tremors in my hands. Why the hell do I still want to fight to go home and be with him and my son after a year and a half since he started this nightmare for me and broke our family apart, when i know deep down he wont change, he doesnt think he has done anything wrong, theres nothing wrong with him, and says I am delusional, crazy, psychotic and I did this to our family. I threw myself out of my own home? I brought another woman into our bed for him to have an affair with for three months? I subjected my son to having some strange woman living in his home? And I caused all this?? I have been seeing a psychologist I have shown her proof of the abuse from bruises to text messages etc. Even she cant understand why I would want to go back to him. I am so confused most days and the amount of energy it takes me to keep calm at work without flipping my lid on him and his affair partner. The amount of hurt and pain this betrayal has caused me is immense that I have been subjected to this affair being not only thrown in my face at work, but in my home. This girl just started working there last year, everyone there has worked there over a decade he, our son and I included and our sons godmother works there too, everyone knows us as the little family. He and that girl have humiliated and embarrassed me and our son. They actually dont think people there know about their affair but trust me they do. I have to keep my mouth shut as now I am financially struggling to pay for an apartment that I can barely afford, I dont eat most days because I cant afford to buy food on top of all the other bills, he demands money from me for our son and could careless if I live or die. Why do I want to go back to this man? He will never change. I have spent this past year trying to heal from the abuse he has inflicted on me, I have made new friends and have done lots of things to keep busy. I have identified him as being a narc and psychopath, I know what he is and I think I need to just let go at this point, but I dont want to lose my son forever. I have said it for years that he has brainwashed my son and conditioning him to be just like him and has turned my son against me. How can my son do this to me? I was his primary caregiver for the past 17 years, I was always with him unless I was at work or school, while his father spent every night out at bars and he still spends every night out. He made a comment the other day that he is broke because he is taking care of a child by himself, he is a single father. I responded that he was not a single father, I am not dead like he wants me to be, I am very much alive and here for my son. It frightens me that my son will treat his girlfriend or future wife like his father has me. I am tired of fighting to go home to him, when I know there are millions of nice men out there that will make me number one and treat me with respect and love. I love him though for what reasons? He doesnt show me any kind of respect or dignity, never does nice things for me, claims for the past few years now he doesnt believe in Valentines Day, therefore he doesnt have to get a card or flowers etc but we got engaged on Valentines Day? When will I wake up and finally say to myself , this lying cheating abusive man does not deserve you?
My God – it horrible to read the abuse that you do to yourself and then you call yourself a victim. How are you a victim of this man when you choose to stay? You’re a victim of yourself only. Wake up and get real, lady. You’ve co-abused your son by keeping this man in his life because you’re desperately addicted. Make no mistake about it – you are not a victim. Stop lying to yourself and start being real.
Hi Caroline,
my heart goes out to you.
I promise it is never too late to liberate our souls and start living our True Life … but that requires meeting ourselves and freeing ourselves from our inner trauma so that Life-force can start operating through us – taking us forward into creativity, energy and capacity.
I share in my 3 Keys Webinars a story about one of the oldest NARP Members ever, an amazing lady who in her 70’s after 4 narcissistic relationship was completely broken and ready to give up.
Her life completely turned around within a few short months because she worked on her original wounds in the NARP Program https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp because found the true reasons why her life had been stuck on that trajectory.
Once these previous traumas were up-levelled her new life began.
Including a new residence, a gorgeous life partner who she has travelled Europe with … and reconnections with estranged family members that had happened for decades.
None of this would have happened unless she made the choice to heal at that level.
Please don’t give up – truly … at ANY age – what else is there to do but heal ourselves?
And every minute we don’t is every minute we stay stuck in a Life that is less than the one we could be living – no matter how much of that is left.
You deserve what this lady achieved – we all do – no matter what age we are.
I hope this has helped grant you some hope, and please know we have many NARP Member sinter 60’s from all over the world who are in the NARP Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp.
They are gorgeous and we all support them, as they support each other in their healing.
Mel xo
i am not an expert. I am just responding to you as a fellow learner…so sad, but don’t give up…truly the spiritual life lives beyond the years, do not give up on you and your spirit. It is a worthy battle and you are a strong and mighty warrior 🙂
Thank you for sharing. Does anyone else feel so lost and confused? My ex is very successful and well respected and much loved as his role of being a CEO for a local hospital. I am just a simple schoolteacher. He loved me with such intensity and made me feel wonderful but his mood swings’s were increasing and became so unsettling. I fell into a deep depression and lost nearly 20 pounds. We were supposed to go looking for rings and he secretly went to my grandmother and asked her blessing for marrying me. We were supposed to go looking for rings On the weekend I heard from the other woman. I’ve been completely deveststed and confided in one of his family members. She revealed to me that he was actually married three times but during our relationship I was led to believe that he was only married twice. I feel like I’ve been living a lie for the last two years. The sick part is I still love him and long for him. It doesn’t make sense! I consider myself to be an educated woman but this doesn’t make sense. My family and friends don’t understand. It’s a very lonely and dark place to be.
i completely know that feelings you describe, and i am for sure not the only one! Me too, i drifted into heavy depressions and it took me long time to put 1 and 1 together, thinking, i am the crazy one. (And still i have feelings of love and lost love and care and my mind still tries to make sense, asking if i did a huge fail, have a twisted perception and just lost the “jackpot”, hahahaha). met him accidentally last week, he seemed to look for closure got me food, overly caring for me (little insecure neurotic wreck, that he is the angel for, not able anymore to keep on loving me romantically though) telling me “his side of the story”, full of excuses, subtle blaming, mild “graceful” arrogance, giving me his jacket since i was shivering all over. Still this huge talk put me in an unexpressable, almost suicidal state of depression and confusion the next day and i kept on asking myself “why? he didnt say anything really wrong…”).
btw, i am musician, working as a l”ittle piano teacher”too, being unsatisfied about how much (or not) i lived my potential so far, while he is an entrpreneur, dj, concert promoter- so you see, there is a parallel too 😉
Still, if your friends don`t understand, i can see, how lonely this feels. You should consider, that Alone-ness (i prefer that word) can be a natural consequence if there is something you can see and understand, that other people can not. I guess, in that way there is a potential of seeing it from the perspective of being maybe a leader, somebody who got it, somebody who can see the way, is evolved and one day can lead others or be an example, an inspiration.. You made a deep and heavy experience because you were ready to endure it and have the chance to go through the pain being stronger and more wise then ever. This makes you special without anyone clueless having to approve this 😉 don`t make yourself small!!!! ( i so much know how we all do this)
(There are two of my friends who understand really all 100% of it and what i am going through, and they did go through the same hell (and worse), both being very strong, dedicated and cool women (btw). )
u know this thing with “walking in my shoes”.. we have to accept it and it is okay, maybe even part of the work we have to do to feel better!
we say in Germany: the best laugh is on the one who laughs at very last. (hope this translation works somehow, my english is not that perfect..). Anyway our problem is that we are too much looking for confirmation and approval from the outside. Don`t add this pain to the other pain that might be unavoidable right now to get to a better place..
warm greetings from berlin!
Thank you so much! Your insight helps me!
Dear M, very big hugs. You are not alone, there are many others in your situation who are now on the way to full recovery. I recommend that you look at Melanie’s 3Steps to Recovery webinar and the NARP program. The former is free and you can find links on her website. I was sceptical at first but the program works and you will find people there who truly understand the depth of shock and trauma that you feel.
Good luck M, I hope to see you in the NARP forum healing yourself through the modules. ?
Thank you so much Jan!
Hi M,
the confusion is paramount … it truly is synonymous with narcissistic abuse – being the most confusion, tumultuous thing I think ANYONE could ever go through.
No-one who hasn’t could even start to imagine what it feels like.
And this is the thing – it is NOT logical.
Narcissistic abuse is deep soul calling to go within us to find out why we are so hooked and agonised and longing when NONE of that makes sense.
I promise you M, with every ounce of my being, that when you do start working “inside” to heal this – you all not only completely unravel the reasons why this has happened and why it is so painful – but you will ALSO break free and get your life and soul back in a better way than you ever imagined.
You will also be free of him, and no longer susceptible unconsciously to this happening to you again.
That is what the real healing work is all about – and that is exactly what this Community and it’s Healing Programs are all about.
Big hugs, and please know you can heal this.
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
Thank you for sharing this topic. It has shown me that I need to go back to one of the modules to do some more clearing. I left the NARC over two months ago but was stuck about going back because he has turned both children against me and I love and miss the children. I have come to far to turn back now. I love the NARP program and I am so thankful that we found each other. Clearly I still have some more up leveling to do. Which module should I focus on?
Hi Amy,
you are very welcome 🙂
I would highly suggest being in the NARP Forum, because then we can really dive in with you to support you with exactly what you are working on and up-levelling , and offer you all the “tweaks” to get the most out of the Modules – for your specific situations, and as they arise.
In the Forum is where the MOST effective NARP “real time” training takes place.
And if you are a Gold NARP Member it is all for FREE Amy.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie for introducing cognitive dissonance. That’s how I have felt in the past. Always making up excuses trying to find some good in a situation that I know has no good at all. I’m finally seeing the light. Almost 13 years later. I met my son’s dad in high school at the young age of 15. What I see now is he took a young girl and raped her mind and soul. Now at the age of 28 I am wiser. I have mentally and emotionally abused for so long its sad. I have been cheated on, lied to, and humiliated countless times throughout the years. Now he does thing and says things that hurts our son. He claims our son disrespects him and blames him for everything. He constantly tries to find something negative. My son is only 6 years old. But he sees now that he cannot possibly anymore than he already has. So now he is using my son’s feelings as a target to beat me down more. It’s like psychological torture. I’ve attempted NO CONTACT several times. At one point I went almost 8 months of no contact. And somehow I ended up going back to him. Worst mistake ever. The abuse got worse. For the last year it has been pure hell on Earth. He left me and our son alone in the house now for the last 2 months. So I’m left emotionally and mentally drained. As well as left paying all the bills and caring for my son. Yet he still calls and randomly sees our son. When he calls he pauses for at least 30 seconds before asking to speak to J. He makes small talk with J and then hangs up. If he asks to see J I have to drop and pick him up. He does not try to compromise. I feel like a fool. He’s 3 years older than me. 31 years old to be exact. in addition to the son we have together. he has 3 other children from 2 other women. 2 twins before my son and another child after my son. the last child is had with a high school classmate of ours. Yet he tells me Im his high school sweetheart. not with all the cheating and lying he has done to me over the years. He constantly belittles me and I have to explain my success to him constantly. I guess to make him feel better about himself. So I’m left feeling like I have to lower my standards for him. So last week he called me telling me all this garbage about how he got his own place now. (how I dont know because he does not have a job) but I cannot know where his new place is and then he has the audacity to ask me who is my cable and internet provider. but yet he misses me. (BS!) within 2 days we got in an argument. I realized that is what he does he calls me start a conversation. get me going. and then boom he turns the switch. he’s bi-polar. narcissistic. crazy. evil. etc. and he posts pictures on social media with his youngest child like he’s this great father. when he doesn’t try or make an effort to help with our son and his older 2 children. So I’m back to no contact again with him. I just want to be able to not answer his call if and when he calls again. he has proven to me he doesn’t care about our son nor me. he just tries to break me down piece by piece.
Hi Christina,
I can tell by your post that you are worn down drained and right in the throes of N-abuse.
This is when our four is so much on “them” and we are completely dissociated from ourselves.
It’s a very painful place to be and my heart goes out to you.
Joanne this needs to be turned around – the focus coming off him and fully getting back into the recovery of yourself.
He may not care about you – and as an N – he does not have the resources to … and ultimately these people smash us so much in order to do the work to finally, finally truly know what it is to be wound free in our own bodies loving and approving of ourselves, instead of clinging to False Substitutes.
Because that is when we can start to generate a REAL life for ourselves and our children.
Please consider NARP … and also coming into my 3 Keys Webinar Group, because these are the most powerful and effective help strategies I can offer you.
Mel xo
This is a warning to those that are living the lie with a Narc. My own mother wasted her entire life living with cognitive dissonance. As we speak she is bedridden, totally sucked dry from serving as supply for my “father.” Today, thanks to people like Melanie, the information is there to break free.
Mom, did not have this and she wasted her life. I begged her to leave 30 years ago…………never ever hearing the word Narcissist!!!
What I am saying here is that if you do not act, the downward spiral only speeds up as the years go by. Now, for health reasons she just cannot go anywhere else. What Melanie says in this video about pathways in the brain become ingrained……….so true as I watched this fact my entire life
Listen to Melanie and act or you will have the same fate at the end of your life……….a lifeless existance.
This makes me feel good to know that the wife of the N who ‘kept’ him (not that I wanted him after understanding what he was doing and going No Contact) will suffer a downward spiral her whole life. I can only hope. That’s what she gets for helping a man never see his own son, turning a blind eye or believing his lies while I took him to court, and lying to herself about him loving her for 18 years.
If you lie to yourself, this is what you get.
Huge Breakthrough this morning! I found out the false belief that has kept me stuck in this horrible situation for so long. After listening to today’s MTE video, I knew I had to have the answer.
I asked my inner child and the false belief is this: I need to change the abuser’s mind about me in order to be safe.
Of course this is crazy as an adult to believe something so 180 degrees wrong. As a child, my strategy was to get my abusers to see me as good so they would stop abusing me. It didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now. The truth is, I don’t need to change anyone’s mind but my own. I hope this helps somebody else. Please keep working on yourself because you will succeed.
yeah, it helps ME. 🙂 you just nailed it! (i could add: i have to be flawless according to their norms in order to change their mind). Thx and cheers!
Awesome accomplishment! Breakthroughs are hard work, but they feel so good, are so worth it!
I had one the other day. It was: As the abused scapegoat in my family, I wore all the family’s pain on my sleeve, Now that I’ve walked away from the pain, it’s my narc brother who is wearing the family’s pain on his sleeve — in the form of raging, blaming and controlling behaviour.
Hi Christian,
what a great discovery!
The truth SO does start to set us free.
When we free ourselves from those inner Beliefs, we start showing up, feeling and creating completley different life.
Mel xo
Cognitive dissonance is the feeling of being a rat in a maze.
My parents (mostly my mom with my dad assistance) were my abusers and family has either refused to admit they have witnessed it or make excuses for them. My father died almost 3 years ago. I tried to be there for them and when he died I was surprised at my lack of emotion. My true loved ones seem to understand how I have grieved over my relationship with my dad for about 49 years. He treated me so special and my mother was so jealous when I was little. She talked him into taking a job that completely overwhelmed him when I was around 7.
I’m on my fourth marriage and have finally found someone who wants the best for me. I’m still working on understanding and healing.
Thank you for sharing the video and information. I’m again doing no contact. My husband doesn’t understand why I have continually gone back.
Love does not play games, it is constant. Cognitive dissonance is caused by using the appearance of love to manipulate and control and I have felt like I’m on a ship at sea rocking back and forth. It teaches you to endure the crap because relief is coming then repeat, over and over. Until you’ve had enough drama and you wake and realize the ship you are on is an endless ride of repeat. And you can get off the boat anytime. It takes a while to get used to solid ground and you cry and cry because you thought that boat was real. Now is the time to shed the old and let in the new, to break old contracts, and begin to discover what love really is.
wow, yeah, its very much of what i think and feel about it, too. The thing is this kinda pingpong we realise when its too late-no peace, no balance possible, since thats not intended in that dance..
He is loving when u slip away- u respond getting closer-he responds dumping you, back and forth, back and forth and each time we are funny enough to think the next step will bring us closer together.
It`s like thinking and been said u are dancing a waltz, but actually its a march.
One reason I didn’t take the N on full time is because of a story I wrote in my diary – he was just a passenger on a ship (his ex-fiancé’s, his wife’s and then trying to jump on mine). I could see a pattern with no breaks between women.
Now I’ve had my son and he’s never met him, I just think of his wife as the dog and he is the parasite. And vice versa. The person who stays is also a parasite, just in a different way.
Beautiful analogy, Rose.
So well put Rose
so well explained this torture at so many levels…. “Life was all about him and he always had an excuse” as i read in one of the comments above- seems so clear and still we stay.. I lost some friends just by the fact of complaining about his behavour over and over again, hoping to find any “explanation” or “objective view” or confirmation or sollution (and how often did the answer “just break up, finally, for gods sake” drove me crazy, like*u dont understand, its not that easy blabla hehe)…over and over again, and made them wonder why i still stay, looking like a false bitch or just a very weak person by doing that…
My parents both raised me in a way to look at my mistakes first, to be insightful and reflective, while my father is a narc, my mother codependent, so i was already part of the game on my parents abusive relationship. So i kept on and on to think i have to change, i know i am a jealous person i got it all wrong, i am too unrelaxed, etc.etc. etc, the list could be long and it was always about me being a “nutcase”, maybe i am the narc and so on and so forth. Felt even worse when girl friends could say relaxed “ah, he just thinks/wants -being more close to you or just insert whatever cute love conflict u want”- it just “proved” what he said about me being wrong, being not a cool girl, having no sense of humour, being tensed and so on.
Which directly goes back to my fathers compares and complains when i became a rebelling teen, trying to escape it and will get reproaches like “why can`t you just be a nice, cosy, joyful, sweet girl like the daughters of my collegues”, or calling me “failed daughter”, making jokes about my style when i was about to go out, consulting my school teachers in a parents-conference in front of everybody to find out “whats wrong with me” and so much more.
So still there is this littles girl trying to fix it (like i remember one day as a child i tried only to walk the stones of the pedstrian way, not the “lines” in between, cos i thought i will make everything extremely proper from now on to satisfy him and be his good girl from now on.
When i was 3,5 years, my parents sent me away for 3 weeks to a rehab cos they thought this will be good for my health (i didnt eat well back then) and i had the great “luck” of a highly abusive and nasty nurse that terrorized us, also me personally. At least i became very independent at that young age, washing my underwear secretly when i noticed one morningi had an “accident”, knowing the punishment will become a psychic blast…Ironically, this experience (well, maybe not the “accident” but who knows) is literally the same my mother had in that age (which might partly explain why she still endures my father, whom i wished to disappear when i was 12 and felt soooo guilty and bad feeling this…) I had a nightmare once as a young teen in which my mother forced me to sleep with my father in her place….
When i came back from that rehab, surely traumatized-
(this is a wound i actually worked on with an energy healer- she liberated that little girl and brought it home to me telling me i now have to take good care of her, like a mother- and i felt so overwhelmed, thinking “how can i do this? I am not able to care for myself even, i dunno how this feels!”..)-
shortly afterwards my brother was born- big thing, in a catholic (well its my father who is catholic) family- the SON is born….. which also gives some good hints about why i could be so tortured with jealousy, with the thread of other girls (i still cant have real fun going out since i most fo the time compare myself negatively and check “possible rivals” or feel that every girl in a room is more interesting, more beautiful, more “in” etc (which for my friends is more than an awkward idea i have- and, before i met him i was proud of everything that made me “special” different, i carried it as a gift).
well, as far as i know he (“my” narc) was faithful but not without letting me know how much of a prison this is to him, how uncool i am, and it nearly broke me when he let me starve sexually, played humiliating games on me and asked me for an open relationship in the end (of course also he said half joking “u not, cos u always become emotionally involved..”haha). ok i will not drift to stories we all know too well!
And of course, straight after breaking up 4,5 months ago i ran directly into the next one, fortunately noticed it early enough so we *just* had the intense “soulmate” and lovebombing part romance where i was smart enough not to become intimate and could jump off the train early enough (of course he despites me now). i am proud i could see it that clearly early enough…
Now comes the joke: i decided to look for another type of personality, somebody, quiet, maybe a bit shy, more intellectual, and -yeah- found that guy i adored, i felt safe, -and he seemed so genuine and decent- and experienced again “cognitive dissonance”- a guy like that, he is so nice, so decent, i couldnt believe when the first red flag appeared somewhere at the horizon..
i am happy and thankful between all that mess and trauma and wounds i still have to heal to have all these insights informations now, and there is one thing that helped me a lot: i started to look after and to re-recognize/remember my feelings. Not the thoughts, situation or whatever. If there was this unpleasant feeling again, this “uhm”-feeling,this slight confusion and restlessness, and i started to think more “about” them instead of “of” them- this is a red flag!!!!
It means either u r not ready to make healthy choices yet or something is odd here. I hope, maybe, this is a tiny little “advice” out of my experience, that might be useful once you feel like”rebounding” or starting something *different*…
puh, this was a long shot although i tried to keep it short and at the point..dunno if any of u will read it at all, but all the best to all of u out there and a huge thanks and warm hug for your great work, Melanie, your way to express things multidimensional and so clear and focused the same time is just one of the best ever i found in my long journey and its like somebody is speaking my language, i feel truly related..thank you for existing! 🙂 cheers from berlin
I am listening Claudia! I am guessing that you are now doing the NARP program? Hugs and blessings for your surviving and thriving. ?
Coool, thank you 🙂 no, i am not doing the NARP program yet since i still have too many financial problems, but i am reading a lot and try to adapt and try out as much as possible until i can (and i did a long “journey” already since a couple of years to find help and ways to deal with it that feel right for me- but coming along NARP seemed like right on my way, it totally matches somehow).
All the best to you too and a firework of breakthroughs for us 🙂
Hi Claudia,
You are very welcome 🙂
There is such a huge difference between getting “blamed” for the problems and thinking we have to “fix” ourselves as opposed to getting on our journey and releasing ourselves from all of the trauma, that has been inflicted on us, as well as all the generational trauma our parents and even further back have passed thorough to us.
Including being told we are “defective”.
Then we start breaking free and emerging into our True Self,a n then the battles we have with confusion and our mind start to melt way.
It is a much more direct journey and one I hope you join us on in this Community, because you are ready for it.
Absolutely … enough is enough …
Mel xo
Thank you so much, Melanie, i just see, how you adressed exactly, bringing it up clearly what i started to get a vague idea of with the work of the last days, but didnt see it as simple as that – it just nailed that little thing that came up like a vague picture – this mindtwist out of the old programming if you think you have to fix yourself in order to work (and then start a “hard work” on that) when it is all about embracing and accepting and changing out of healing and self-love, and taking on our pain not seeing them as a flaw which has to be removed..
This also shows the difference between the intellectual/analytic approach and how it is to really emotionally shift and understand on a deeper level- the same sentence/idea can get a much different, deeper meaning between its words.
I hope very much to be able soon to join NARP ( after the webinar i suddenly was able to stand up early the next day, walked into a cafe and got me a job (in spite of many other applicants!) straight away to do something more effective to get out of my problems – which seemed impossible for me before. (Also i went to the doc to get a prescription and look for supportig therapy and more). My brother was very surprised (not knowing about my “NARP-activities”) and just commented “wow, u slipped out of your victim role!”-this was a big breakthrough that you initiated!
Thank you again!
Hi Claudia,
so pleased you had such a BIG shift in the Webinar.
Now it’s time to keep it going, to really bring it home, with the structured NARP work.
I look forward to seeing you in the NARP Forum!
Mel xo
My enabler mom has serious cognitive dissonance with my narc dad who she has known for nearly 50 years. She’ll complain about him to me but if I do the same, she’ll defend his every fault…he just doesn’t know how to show love, she spoiled us kids so we needed somebody strict like him, he’ll have a heart attack and will be depressed once he finds out I don’t want to see him again, etc . I recently found out she’s been lying to me and triangulating me and my brothers. She’s also been taking on my narc dad’s bad habits of taking digs at me. It broke my heart and I was forced to go no contact with her as well as my dad. I miss my mom or the mother that I remember.
I’m so sorry to hear that Eva. My mother died when she was 59. Look at it like that – at least you had a mother for a while.
If she’s hurting you – she’s not doing her job. Well done and great strength to you. ❤️
Hi Eva,
women of that era lived with Cognitive Dissonance a lot … it was all about “making the excuses” to stay because literal survival of a woman and her off spring depended on it.
It was only ever if the fear of staying become more than the fear of leaving that women would … and that had to be HUGE because of the fear of leaving was crippling (many modern women today in their DNA still carry the full impact of that crippling belief).
Big hugs Eva ….
That must be very painful for you.
Please know you can’t change what has happened, but you can heal your trauma and pain regarding it.
The NARP Program has helped countless people heal the pain of No Contact from Family of Origin, and allowed them to recover and generate incredible lives with “Life” as their family.
The same can happen for you … truly.
Please read up on it https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and / or also think about coming into my next FREE webinar Group – as there is so much healing there for you to experience https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel xo
Is there ever a true healing that occurs? Or is it that it is simply more of an awareness of our inner truths that directs us to make different choices that lead us to break our patterns and go down different paths than we are used to?
I think that your whole life paradigm changes. You become more spiritual – as time goes on and you heal, you come to see that everything that happens is perfect. Or course, you need to put an end to your addiction first and commit to healing – every day in some way or another. There are many authors out there who can help you shape this new paradigm – Neale Donald Walsch, Byron Katie, Joe Dispenza, Sonia Choquette, Brian Weiss, Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Miguel Don Ruiz.
We’ve been sleeping and living half a life – it’s time to wake up! ?
Hi Antonio,
when we address the original wounds in our body that are continuing to play out with abusive “others” ..
Yes – 100% we heal. For real.
If we don’t do the work in our subconscious then it is a harder, longer way around trying to make different choices in our life whilst in the consciousness of trying to manage and survive these wounds.
That is the difference between “transformational” healing and “informational” healing.
Mel xo
It is amazing to have the insights I am gaining now within myself from watching your videos.
Every time that I could say I have fallen in love with another man it has always been with a man who fits the narcissistic profile.
Thank you Melanie for your videos. They are helping me to become more aware of the inner working of my mind which hopefully will lead to empowerment and a peace of mind I so deserve to feel.
The book ‘The Narcissist You Know’ is great. I found that I have a narcissistic shadow side – probably the side that attracted the narc. I think narcs can sniff out people who feel special through their partners. We need to feel special through our own means.
I agree with your comment.
Thank you and Blessings.
Hi Antonio,
I am so pleased you are gaining these insights!
You are so welcome 🙂
Mel xo
Melanie,
Thank you for posting this video on cognitive dissonance. It is exactly what I need right now in my situation.
Eagle <3
Hi Eagle,
my pleasure 🙂
I am so pleased this was timely for you!
Mel xo
Thank you for your insight and knowledge about this I believe increasing phenomenon, narcissism. It has been 8 months since i realized i had been with a narc, and a lot of healing, gym work-outs, and crying spells to see how much better off I am now than I was before him. He was only a symptom.
It was truly a crazy-making experience.
Hi Jene,
you are very welcome.
Mel xo
I would really like to see that more men have become victims. I am sure they are out there but this is one reason I do not engage more. No sense in that I know. My story has become almost fuzzy with the gaslighting, I am still not 100% sure I did not create the chaos.
As to this video, I still love her with all my heart, I am sad most all the time and my life is falling apart. She is my only goto person to get comfort. It seems hopeless. I feel love, we are great when we are together. 600 mile between us and we miss each other and there is no trust. I drive every weekend to see her and then its all about sex and togetherness – I think if we had to spend a week or more together it would be all bad.
And maybe its just a broken heart?… I wish. she is definitely messed up. maybe shes a child victim and both her parents were narcs, maybe we both just have to overcome a past trauma and everything would be ok. Or maybe this is all COG and I am just screwed.
GG, the simple fact that you are posting these your concerns here shows you how much urge you feel and that it makes you suffer…cognitive dissonance.
hugs!
(forgot to add how much i am familiar with these thoughts and considerations!)
Sure you co-created the chaos. How could you not? You’re in it!
When your soul has had enough, you’ll leave.
“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you
Don’t go back to sleep!
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep!”
When you open your eyes in the morning, don’t think.. just listen to your soul. ?
~ Rumi
Hi GG,
around 20% of all NARP Members are men, and we do have them as active in our NARP Forum and Community.
Absolutely men get narcissistically abused as well, and it has been a big thing culturally for men to have the courage to reach out, share and admit they have issues – rather than going with their manly DNA Program of “I can sort this out myself.”
So this is awesome that you have posted here!
It takes men GG to be trailblazers, to lead the way and to BE the guy that shares and comes out in the open and leads the way for other men.
In some of our Webinar 3 Keys Groups https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar some men REALLY do this – and the entire Community embraces them with open arms … it is such a sign that our world is changing.
Men deserve healing and self-liberation just as much as women do.
The truth is as women – we want equality and true connection now … for us its not about the “macho guy” anymore – we want the “authentic guy” who is willing to push past feeling “less than” and ridiculed for being real about his feelings.
We have so much appreciation for this when it happens – that is what a BIG man is!
It’s a huge step for humanity – and a wonderful shift that is happening.
Now … onto you – why don’t you reach out and come into this Community and be that guy who starts healing?
We’d love to have you and the next step would be to consider NARP and the Free Webinar Group – and I promise you if you engage and commit to healing you, you will get out of the trauma, confusion and nightmare and then be in a position to generate relationships at a much healthier level than the dance you have been trapped in.
Mel xo
Hi GG,
I am another male who has and is suffering the after effects of a 3 year relationship with a partner who has narcissistic traits. I resonate with much that you shared. I still ‘love’ my ex deeply and yet I realise too that I was taken for a ride and she has moved on. I have been told by a friend (now ex friend) that he and my ex were intimate (which she said in the past when I questioned her, that she would do no such thing and loved me). I can relate to the sadness and the feeling of falling apart.
But I am coming to terms that for the healing to commence we must ask ourselves as codependents or empathetic individuals, did we ignore those red alert signals? I know I did.
My ex had a narcissistic mother and I feel sorry for the childhood my ex had to endure and yet I cannot excuse what she did to me.
GG, you are not screwed brother. Be strong, stay strong. We are here for you.
Hi Petar,
awesome you are being a guy reaching out to others here.
Bless you brother!
Mel xo
I am doing well as a result of the Thriving after Narcissistic Abuse information from Melanie but I often feel lonely and misunderstood. I no longer explain to friends and family the insights and thriving I am experiencing. People just stare and I see in their eyes that they don’t understand. So it makes me feel very lonely and like I am all alone with my truths. No matter what my clarity and thriving brings me I have stopped talking about it. It seems too foreign to most people. I walk my walk and know in my heart and soul that I am so much healthier than I was. The fact that I am still alive is a miracle to me. I am 64 years and the past haunts me in my dreams. During the year of negotiating the divorce which was granted in November 2015 I did not have the ability to convey the degree to which my husband of 27 years had swindled me in every financial investments we ever made. He hid and refinanced behind my back. He lied and got away with never declaring his financial situation. He stalled and charmed and horded and buffooned his way for 1.5 years. The law could not work for me because I had not enough money to pay lawyers after he withdrew our savings. I am left in debt and still have to work at my 9-5, 5 day a week job. It is not a good thing, often very exhausted and sad. I am a social justice worker and I help other people which is pretty typical. I get that. I am happy to be divorced and proud to be free but financially there is no gain so it becomes discouraging. Of course I am grateful for all the beautiful things in my life but so often like right now I am seriously impacted by the results of so much energy used in raising my wonderful daughters and constantly making up for the lack of support from their father. I see other women whom I used to interact with in the children’s younger years reaching fruition and ease in their retirement. I stay away because it hurts me so. Still this sharing is mostly about reaching out where i know I will be understood. Thank you to anyone who actually read my post. A big huge thank you to Melanie. You are Goddess embodied and a hugely significant human being in the evolution of human beings on Earth. Eva
Money money money. If you feel healed from the past, I recommend Neale Donald Walsch’s book Conversations With God and his 7-week course. It strikes me from reading this and your preoccupation with financial ‘failure’ that you need to reprogram your mind.
I also love Miguel Don Ruiz’s ‘The Four Agreements’. Good luck! ❤️?
Hi Eva,
I am glad you are doing well, and please know when we get hit with “more stuff” such as “feeling lonely and misunderstood” … it TRULY is a matter of tracking these painful emotions through our bodies, finding the origins of them and healing them.
Are you working with the actual NARP Program Eva https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp or just cognitively working with my information? Because there is a huge difference in regard to the inner transformations you can achieve.
And once you address the beliefs of “People don’t get me” “I am not the same as others” or whoever it is that is wedged in your DNA … and you target and up-level that with NARP Module work, it just WON’T exist, and your entire real life situation will shift.
That is how we up-level ourselves one wound at a time … it truly is that direct and powerful once we start working with Quantum Tools that reprogram our subconscious (the driver of our entire Life) to create that shift.
Truly Eva, this can happen in every area of your Life. Including all the areas as well as financial … and regret and pain that you are feeling the battle with.
Thank you for your beautiful compliment to me, and please know I see the Goddess as alive and well in you too Eva, and I just know she can flourish when you have a direct “teak” that unlocks the Glory of you, and Who You Really Are … in your subconscious.
Its time dear lady.
Bless and huge hugs.
Mel xo
This video makes total sense. I am embarrassed to say I stayed married to narcissist husband for 25 years…. I knew his behavior was horrible, yet I created reasons and justifications in my mind that made me stay—because of his good points. My friends and relatives were asking what on earth was wrong with me and what I was thinking… and didn’t understand why I stayed. Yet, I was miserable but couldn’t leave. He tried to accuse me of being a distrusting wife because my intuition and various things were indicating he was having an affair and he was mentally, emotionally, physically and financially to me. Through this I found out my intuition was correct—- and he was having an affair. He just picked up and moved in with his girlfriend over three years ago. Our divorce papers were signed over 15 months again, and I am still taking him to court because he refuses to do what was required of him by the divorce decree. I now keep standing back on wondering how I let the cognitive dissonance continue for all these years. This makes so much sense. Thank you!
Hi Jan,
Goodness it is so normal to be “embarrassed”, but we could know and do only what we knew and did, whilst we were stuck in our survival programs!
I so hope that this video did help make sense of it for you – and it so great that now he is gone you can heal and work on you – and recover your True Life from all of this.
Mel xo
This was wonderful.
But I have a question and it may be my sneaky ego asking ?
I found it easy to forgive the person who abused me…and appreciate it as a gift for me to heal.
But how do I know if this is real or another example of cognitive dissonance?
Ask your soul. Only your soul forgives. ?
HI FLH,
are your forgiving them to tolerate them in your life still? In that, you are still in a position where they continue hurting you … meaning you are justifying in order to be attached to them?
THAT would be cognitive dissonance.
If you are forgiving and moving on and reclaiming you – and recognising the gift of your own evolution and NO longer allowing yourself to be hurt by the abusive people – then your forgiveness is wholesome and real.
I hope this has clarified.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie-
I love all your videos and watch them all and I read all of your blogs….many of them, more than once. They’ve been tremendously helpful in my understanding of the mental and emotional processes I have been living and narcissistic abuse, codependency and trauma-bonding.
I have been in a relationship with a narc off and on for 5 years. I’ve gone through all that you’ve mentioned here, and it drives me crazy that I know it’s bad for me, I know I need to stay away, I know there is NOTHING there for me…logically…but I still seem to be unable to completely disconnect PERMANENTLY. My longest no contact was 1 year. I also know that this man very closely resembles my father, and I still have the same relationship with him and many childhood experiences with him that still haunt my subconscious.
I purchased your NARP program nearly 2 years ago. I have yet to get through it. My issue is that as I begin to go through the module, I either start to cry hysterically, fall apart and can no longer concentrate on what you’re saying…or I fall asleep. Or sometimes, both. I become so emotionally exhausted after my emotional breakdown that I fall asleep! I don’t think I have gotten through even the first 2 modules completely, though I’ve tried a few times.
I called the helpline to ask for advice, but the man I spoke with said that I cannot get answers or counseling unless I’m part of the paid Silver program. I can’t afford to be a part of that program, so the modules sit on my computer, and I continue to swim in the Narc/shark-infested waters of this man I have been trying to break free from, and my father’s past and continued abuse. It makes me feel crazy because I KNOW backward to forward everything about narc abuse on a conscious level, but can’t manage to break free from the destructive patterns that keep me going back. I know I need this program, I just can’t figure out how to get through it and come out on the other side!
Can you help? It’s very frustrating to be in this place.
Thank you! I’m indebted to you for the knowledge I’ve accumulated here…and I’ve referred many people to your site as well who are suffering from Narc abuse.
xo Lisa
Hi Lisa,
I am glad that my information resonates with you.
Your salvation truly does lie in the Module Work of finding the subconscious hooks that are keeping you in the game of not being able to hold No Contact, and reprogramming them … so that you can.
And as you mentioned much of it is unresolved unhealed trauma from your Father.
It is vital … also … that you be a part of the NARP Forum to get support and help … and you do need to be a Gold Member to be a NARP Forum Member.
https://www.melanietoniaevanns.com/member
I remember Lisa years ago with 3 credit cards racked up with bills in therapy and legals (10s of thousands of dollars) I was doing everything and anything trying to get well.
We also need to be really honest with ourselves about the exorbitant cost we play in these relationships on every level – including financial trying to survive them.
It about saying to ourselves “what am I worth?”
Lisa if really and honestly you can’t afford that small upgrade fee (which is so much less than even one counselling session) … then please email [email protected] and explain your situation.
No-one is denied help in this Community.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Thank you Mel. <3
My pleasure Lisa 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Thanks so much for explaining cognitive dissonance, something I have been suffering from and didn’t know what it was called! Now I know, it explains so much of my behaviour, and I don’t think I’m going crazy anymore.
I am listening to your healing modules and so want to understand what kept me so hooked in my 21 year marriage that was more abusive than I realised after I first left it. How long do you think this journey takes to heal? My ex husband N has started seeing someone else, and I am nowhere near ready to date again … I am keeping my focus on me and healing, getting divorced, getting my new home, and not until I can love myself better.
I am so grateful to this community, and had been so scared of digging into the modules.
Hi Amanda,
you are very welcome, and I am so pleased this information helps you get clarity.
What is really important now is to do the Inner Work to shift the trauma out of your body in order to recover.
We never stop healing (growing) Amanda, if we want to continually expand into a limitless life … but in the context of what you are asking relief comes very quickly for most people on NARP.
Often their lives are unrecognisable somewhere between 6 – 18 months.
And most definitely the intense anguish – the greater part of – can be gone within months..
I guess you do know that the Modules do need to be a participation experience …. for them to work inside your Inner Being?
Amanda are you in the NARP Forum? Because there you can receive the most incredible support from myself and other Thrivers to help you with facing and doing the Module Work … very lovingly.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
That is my highest suggestion for you right now.
Mel xo
Cognitive Dissident Democrats
This really spoke to me as a SOCIETAL DISEASE!!
Been There. Done That. Thriving Now.
Loving
Obsessing
Yearning
Fantasizing
Idolizing
^^^^^^^^^^^
A L L S I N S ON OUR S O U L S ! ! !
<
GOD DID N O T Magnificently Create Anyone to
Engage in the above listed SINS begotten of NARC relations!
SAVE YOUR SOUL! God, and only God, deserves what we traumatized
victims are giving of ourselves over to the Narc. Face it, Narcs are demonically possessed. DECEIT flows from their lips like smooth glistening oil. Their minds are consumed with nothing
—N O T H I N G L E S S—
than themselves. Yeah, their charming. Yeah, they can make a man or woman spin and tingle for days…. FOR WHAT? What is the END GAME, huh?
—-THE S A M E SHAT YOU ET! —- that's what!
Dearest Mel,
You don’t know me but I feel I know you!
Your words of wisdom have been a constant go to over the past several months. I spend many hours watching your videos, in the wee hours (I’m Scottish), I find siolance and strength!
So thank you, from the day I found your site I felt hope,
The latest video was ” universally” intended to reach me at the time I needed to hear it.
I’m an only daughter of a Narc Mother. I’m in crisis and struggling. Im I’ll with ME and believe there is a mind body connection.
I am on the NARP programme and I have made progress, it will take time to do the work and create new pathways and subconscious shifts. You are sooo right it happens that way. A few years ago I experienced two shifts in behaviour patterns through meditation. I had tried to think my way out of these (one was OCD) and it had to come from within. I spent hours a day checking things yet it went away through deep shift. So I know what you say is true that through doing the work inside things will get better.
I wanted to say that you touched my heart on so many levels in the video. The point about not delaying going no contact, i put it off till my Father passed away in November 15 .
There is only now and never a right time!
The truth sets is free is another favourite of mine !
I’m still struggling so much and so ill with it.
There is s saying half measures avail us nothing.
As my father passed away legally I am tied to having some degree of contact with my Mother as I am the executor of his estate and only child. I have an iron clad wall of protection from intruders! There is a huge smear Campain in process and it’s so hard so painful.
Anyway I’m rambling now and just wanted to say thank you and thanks for being there. I really don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t found you. Just reaffirming things has helped on a daily basis.
Love Deb X
Hi Deb,
it’s lovely to hear for you via your post, as I really do believe we are all deeply connected, and at soul level absolutely we know each other.
I am so pleased that you found my work, and that this last video has spoken to you.
Please feel my deepest condolences for the loss of your father.
This is great that you are on NARP, especially at a time like this when your reprogramming and healing is so needed.
Deb, I would really love you to come into the NARP Forum, because that is where so much love, support and magical healing takes place.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
You could really do with support and Group Power at a time like this.
It’s YOUR time to heal.
Bless and you are so welcome Deb 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie for this video which I have listened to twice. I needed to hear it.
I have been having major battles with cognitive dissonance. My ex and I are no contact, she has moved onto a new supply and I am glad she is leaving me alone. But now your video helps put things in perspective, I have had a battle of two opposing thoughts and feelings within me. On one hand I feel like I need to reach out to my ex, just to hear her voice and that I miss her (which I now realise I have been addicted) and on the other hand I realise how bad she is for me and how I have inner wounds that need healing and shifting.
For me it all comes down to this – loneliness. The memories of the good times (well for me they were good times) can be accessed more readily then the bad times.
Your video has put things in perspective and I am so looking forward to the webinar in early September
Warm Regards,
Petar
Hi Petar,
my pleasure 🙂
I am so pleased you are starting to realise there are deeper more powerful truths that go on in our subconscious, and I am so pleased you will be joining in on the Webinar in September to really get down to accessing and healing these.
I promise you they go much deeper than what you think it is now at the cognitive level … there is a whole other level under that which is NOT logical, that is REALLY pulling the strings .. I promise you.
Please know your freedom will come!
You just need to know how to access and activate it … which is exactly what my Webinar Group and NARP does.
Mel xo
Mel,
Hi! Awesome!~ Video on cognitive dissonance. I am going through the break up and this blog came in at the right time.
I have purchased your NARP program. Wow!~ could not healed and be able to leave without your help. Your audios are amazing.
I am stuck on wanting to HELP! the Narc. I get sucked in wanting to FIX him. Can you do a video on “How-to” clear your susceptibility to wanting to FIX/Help the narc. I tried empath video but, unable to evolve/up level out of it.
Thank you for your wonderful work….
Hi Bria,
You are very welcome 🙂
I am so pleased this video came at the right time for you, and that they are helping you!
That is wonderful you are a NARP Member now.
Are you in the NARP Forum – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?
Because you can work on clearing that “hook” significantly with Module 1, and the Goal Setting Module.
Module 6 also specifically caters powerfully to those shifts required for you to break free from this Inner Program of care-taking him.
Most definitely I can do a video on that soon … however do know the most powerful way for you to heal this is to do the work on it inside your body with the Modules.
If you are not quite sure how to – after listening to the Tips Module and starting working with Module 1, then myself or another Thriver in the Forum will be only to happy to help guide you.
Mel xo
If I’m already a silver member, can I pay the difference to upgrade to gold or do I have to re-sign up on the gold program?
Hi Lisa,
it is simply an upgrade!
All you need to do to activate is email [email protected]
Mel xo
Melanie – such a deeply beneficial video and the timing was perfect as I found myself slipping into that deceptive mindset. I am committed to staying aware and I thank you for this great reminder. As always, your work is of such high quality and so beautifully helps us to stay on the path of healing!
Hi Darcy,
I am so pleased this video resonated with you – and it is wonderful that you are dedicated to your healing and Thriving.
Mel xo
Trump narrated a little parable about a beautiful snake freezing in the snow. A caring loving woman took it in from the cold, it bit her! Why? How could it bite the loving woman that saved its life and gave it comfort and admiration?
IT’S A SNAKE! That is what snakes DO.
Here is Trump reading The Snake Story:
http://youtu.be/Sy9_r2Rzrc0
Hi Greg,
so true that the story parallels with narcissists.
They just do what they do …
100%
Mel xo
Dear Mel
Thanks for another top video. Your story of the property being renovated and your narcs rage sent shivers up my spine. My ex narc loved to ruin celebrations such as birthdays, parties and achievements and did this on many an occasion, so I related strongly to your story.
Keep up the good work!
Mel, I found your program a little over a year ago and believe I’m still here today because of the help I received from you. I have 2 major narc relationships in my life I’m dealing with…one covert and the other overt. I’m now physically safe from the covert but have undergone a lot of emotional and financial abuse for over a year trying to get totally away legally. I had to relocate to another country to survive so don’t have much support here and the internet has been my lifeline. The other narc is here and I’m sure a gift as you have said. This situation, with the help of your program, is helping me heal my childhood wounds, ones I didn’t even know I had. This person has such a history of childhood trauma, but on the other hand, is a master manipulator and abusive/nice so this video on cognitive dissonance with your descriptions hit home this time. Thank you again!
Mel your video was spot on! The constant excuses we make for bad behavior! I was never allowed to bring up things he did in the past, yet, surprising he would do so! I couldn’t understand why he would, in a N rage, claim I made statements about our relationship that I clearly know I never ever said. I really thought I was losing my mind. Do the thoughts/questions of us really going crazy EVER go away? With time, do we finally forget/accept that this was THEIR sickness? Sometimes I think, geez, maybe he’s right…maybe I did say those things? Your thoughts are appreciated.
Much love 🙂
Hi Melanie
I am on my journey and some days I feel exhausted. I have done what feels like a mountain of work to feel better and yet some days I feel like I am still only two feet from the bottom of the mountain I want to scale. I hold onto my hope to get better. That cognitive dissonance is a habit I did for EVERYONE in my life as I grew up. No wonder I was SOOO easy to bully. Just makes me feel so angry that I was left (in childhood) to believe that that was the only way for me to interact. Always coming from a less than point of view. I just feel like I have wasted 40 years of my life living as a door mat and only in the last 6 months have I even begun to feel slightly normal or balanced. Where if i make a mistake my head isn’t screaming ‘You’re a flaming Idiot…’ It actually says ‘Opps…won’t do that again!’ To know that I can serve a plate of dinner and I can share the size of a steak or serve of chips, I don’t have to give “The man” the largest serving (cos thats my nans belief that I gave back.) wonderful the little changes along the way.
Hello Melanie, my experience feels a little different. Everything you say makes sense to me, which is why I continue to comeback to read about narcissism. When the narc and I broke up a year ago I started reading about triangulation, gaslighting, and other things they do. I was heart broken and scared so I kept no contact with him. About 2 weeks ago I contacted him and he apologized for being a jerk “in the end.” It was really the whole time, but in the end, he would not stay in contact with me while he was away in another country (germany). He would say that he had a crush on a girl there. He would say he was so busy with work but he had time to go out with friends. While we dated I was emotional all the time (which I am normally given that I’m an empath and a cancer if you believe in those things) and he wasn’t very responsive. He would get upset when I asked that he be affectionate and call me nice things since I didn’t really feel like he made an effort to make me feel special. He didn’t attend my graduation ceremonies. There were just many things that felt like he just didn’t care. In the end I couldn’t take this feeling of inadequacy while around him and the feeling that he didn’t really care so I just cut contact (deleted him off of facebook which was our form of communication while he was in germany) and decided he clearly didn’t care about me. When he found out he got so angry and didn’t want to listen to my side of things. He just started saying how “he told all his friends about me. how could I do this?” Etc. A month later he told me not to go visit him in Germany because if he was going to be honest, he slept with another girl the weekend he got angry at me. He said that the girl said she loved him and that they were happy and would try a long distance relationship etc. etc. I couldn’t believe that he was doing this while I was still hurting for him AND at that time he was saying how “he couldn’t trust me.” Now, a year later, I told him that he’d hurt me. I contacted him because I felt I was over what he’d done to me enough to talk to him and he apologized for everything. We kissed and went on two dates. At first I was convinced that he was a narc and once he apologized I was convinced he wasn’t. I told him last night that I need to let him go and he was okay with it and said “it’s fine to take care of my needs.”
The problem is that I don’t understand why I still love him despite what he did to me. And why does it feel like I am both angry and dislike his cold / insensitive ways, yet I cling to the “sweet and good times.” I want to let go but it feels like i’d be abandoning him. It’s so strange and I don’t know what to do.
I had been married for 30 yes to a narcisst and just divorced met someone else we were together for a while and I found they were very similar to my ex( controlling, dominant, had a word for everything, etc…) Going through the cognitive dissonance now it’s been 2 weeks, broke no contact yesterday, By leaving a message. I couldn’t stand it I had to try to reach them! It is so hard to really stay no contact thank goodness they did not call back. I was the one to call it all off. I just couldn’t take being talked down to like I was a 2 year old. Today I have been a basket case crying and crying and feeling like I’m dying. It’s so bad!
Melanie, were you diagnosed with a personality disorder do to the narcisst is abuse? Just wondering. I want to buy your program as I feel it would heal me. Thank you for your videos from the bottom o my heart.
M
I don’t know how I didn’t see this video before but I am so very thankful I came across it today. You have helped me in so many ways I could never thank you enough. I left 2 years ago ( I started dating my husband when I was 15 and I’m 50…) And even though I know that I know that I know! My biggest battle has been not wanting to give up on him. The truth will most definitely set you FREE! God bless you! And thank you for sharing! God is good and His love is amazing! 🙌😘🙏
Hi Lori,
I am so pleased this helped and that it deeply resonates with you.
Many blessings to you.
Mel xo
This is really interesting and explains how cognitive dissonance develops in people who experience a narc relationship.
I was expecting a different explanation – my experience is with FOO, not partners, and the lifelong cognitive dissonance that resulted has been so damaging to my life, and relationships. It has left me incapable of trusting what I feel and think… huge difficulty in making decisions and always feeling confused; unable to understand what others say and to trust what others say. I find it takes minutes, hours or days to process what others say… which of course does not make for flowing conversations!!
In the recent 2018 World Narcissism Summit (where I discovered NARP) one other speaker, Jennifer Young talked about cognitive dissonance actually generating trauma due to the confusion that one feels – that inability to make sense of the world. I have engaged in what she describes as chronic storytelling in an attempt to try to get others to help resolve the dissonance (I finally understood why I would divulge stuff to mere acquaintances and then regret it, and why total strangers on buses divulge stories about themselves). I think this is why talk therapy is a big thing – every person dealing with the trauma of cognitive dissonance feels the need to ‘work it out’ and talking/sharing seems to make one feel better until the next time… Divulging to the wrong person though can lead to further trauma: the total stranger or mere aquaintance most likely cannot truely hear what someone has to say and the unseen-ness and confusion is reinforced… and divulging to a narc just gives them ammunition!
Melanie, I would love to hear your take on cognitive dissonance from early FOO narcissism and how to address it.
And I meant to say I have a theory that dementia and other similar conditions are brought on by cognitive dissonance / trauma… The brain gets to a point where it simply cannot cope anymore with the confusion, it wears itself out trying to work things out and eventually starts shutting down parts of itself that cannot be resolved and/or just starts breaking apart.
I totally agree Greer,
It happen to my brain too a complete psychotic breakdown.
Yet when the trauma is released and heals, so does the condition.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Greer,
Have you been working with NARP? When we release the trauma that is causing the cognitive dissonance then we can heal and come back into clarity.
If you haven’t connected to NARP yet I’d love you to come into my free webinar https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse where you can experience what it is to start shifting the trauma out.
If you are already working with the NARP program I would strongly suggest connecting to our NARP Forum in order to work with the Moderators and or myself to start directly addressing and healing the cognitive dissonance with NARP Module work.
You can do this here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello Mel
thanks for these two replies to my 2 posts – yes I am using NARP and am on the forum… still finding my feet with it. Have found so much spot-on info on your blog too that is supporting me… I so appreciate the energy in this community!
Hi Greer,
You are so welcome Lovely Lady.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have learned so much from you Melanie. I looked inward went to my child inside. I felt a lot of relief because I understood what I was doing and why. I’ve been no contact now for 4 weeks but there have been times that I wanted to break down. I haven’t. She has a new, I hesitate to say Supply, but she does have a sexual partner that has money. I don’t know anything else about the relationship. where did frees me knowing that she has somebody else. she has not tried to Hoover me. there’s a part of me that would like her to Hoover me maybe because it would let me know if she really cared about me.. I’ve been told that if she calls I should answer call and just act nonchalant. I don’t know if I can do that especially because I initiated the no contact. I still feel vulnerable. it’s very very hard for me to realize who she really is. I still have the hope that she is normal. basically I feel better not having her in my life as difficult as it is to admit that.
Hi Harriet,
Please know when you turn inwards to free yourself from the hooks within, and keep doing that, thatvall if these feelings will melt away.
Havevyou connected to my free inner transformational resources yet?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse ?
They will help a lot.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
thanks for the information