They will pathologically lie.

As such, you can expect fabricated stories, twisted facts and downright dirty tactics.

The narcissist is very capable of telling solicitors, police and courthouses exactly whatever lies he or she wants to, in order to try to punish you, get the upper hand and win, project blame, create smear campaigns, play the victim as if he or she has been vilified (especially when things aren’t going well for him or her), and of course disregard any personal accountability for his or her unacceptable behaviour.

When you see the blatant lies unravel under your nose, you will initially be shocked. People that enter into relationships with personality disordered Individuals usually have a high level of integrity, and as such you may feel incredible shattered when you think How on earth could I have ever been in a relationship with this person?

Your anguish is: How on earth does someone behave like THAT? Especially someone I was having a LOVE relationship with?

Your whole sense of moving on, and forward may be pulled into the narcissistic muck – the pathological  ’stink’  because your emotions feel so polluted by the unfathomable lies and acts that this person creates.

What Else Would You Expect?

You know you had been subject to the ridiculous conversations where the narcissist refused to remain topical, refused to answer questions, and would bring in absurd examples and allies to thrust down your throat with all the logic of an angry five-year-old.

You know that he or she has created untruths and smear campaigns against you in the past, and continually breaks his or her word, drags up information from the past (that he or she professed to be resolved with), and is never happy to live and reside in the now without projecting inner emptiness and torment on to you and making his or her inner demons your fault.

You know this person has a capacity to lie and falsify documentation and told you how he or she has done this in the past to try to gain the upper hand, secure a deal or manipulate a situation.

You know that this person had no respect for integrity or karma at those times, and thought they were entitled to behave like this – regardless of committing fraud, breaking the law, or how it affected the integrity of an organisation or the reputation of other individuals.

You know this person is capable of faking situations, illnesses and injuries in order to try and gain sympathy or detract from the real issues at hand.

You know this person is paranoid about being lined up and attacked, and will resort to any lengths – criminal or pathological to ‘defend’ themselves, ‘one-up’ the situation and believe that the ends justifies the means.

So truly WHY should this be a surprise?

Narcissists are a false self – and therefore don’t have a conscience when it comes to lying. Their life is a scripted illusion of the fantasy and high acclaim they like to believe they are living, which is completely different to how they truly feel about themselves on an inner level.

When the walls crumble between the illusion and the reality, the narcissist resorts to more scripted lies to try and offset his or her narcissist injury of being exposed to the world for what he or she really is – a person without real substance.

I promise you the ability to lie is a self-inbuilt survival mechanism. You see narcissists don’t believe the truth serves them. They don’t believe they are lovable and acceptable as they are, and they carry immense shame for the way they have to operate. As such, more lies are needed to cover up the previous lies, otherwise the narcissist would have to face the truth of who they really are – and they will avoid that at all costs.

Realise It’s Not Personal and There is a Gift

The narcissist’s lies are not personal – his or her lack of integrity and conscience has nothing to do with you, your life, and the creation of your truth.

What you are seeing is a gift, it is confirming to you the relief of knowing that you are getting this person out of your life. The relief of knowing there is no lost love with a person who has the ability to be a pathological liar, and this behaviour is something that decent people with mature and healthy emotional intelligence just don’t do.

Do you know why people with moral compasses don’t pathologically lie?

The answer is: because their conscience doesn’t allow them to.

Narcissists do not have that level of inner emotional equipment.

Use this experience as a blessing to have even further confirmation that the narcissist is not your reality.

You know he or she is never to be trusted again. Remember, anyone that is capable of pathological lying and operating without a conscience is never going to be a suitable love partner.

Now, it is your job to let go of any personalised feelings you are suffering due to taking on the brunt of the narcissist’s pathological lies.

I promise you it’s not your stuff – it’s the narcissist’s rubbish and sickness – not yours.

So take your focus off any pain you perceive from what the narcissist is doing – and just focus calmly on being and walking your truth.  Narcissists are sloppy, they are loose cannons – they have big mouths, push their egos forth and tell outrageous lies – they simply can’t help themselves.

You see narcissists act in horrendous ways, don’t take accountability and try to ease their pathological shame by trying to prove they are right. Of course the excuses, smear campaigns and deflections are going to be a lie – because the narcissist will try to line you up and accuse you of exactly what he or she is doing.

Often they will state these lies by text or email.

Record all of them.

When you have the documents and statements and witnesses to disprove the lies, do so with police, solicitors and judges calmly and clearly.

How to Bring the Narcissist’s Lies to Light

In every case, of every person I have dealt with who is in combat with a narcissist’s pathology – I have seen them win easily every time when:

1) All pain, personalisation and angst regarding the narcissist’s lies are released. This allows you to shrug off the rubbish, disprove it easily and simply put forward the truth.

2) They don’t retaliate trying to prove a point and correct the lies. When you know it is not your job to make immature five-years adults with low emotional intelligence act decently, you have a clean space to simply act intelligently and rationally.

3) Record and document all of the narcissist’s behaviour and communication. Have the dates, make the relevant connections and bring these to light with authorities factually and calmly. You will find that authorities see the truth, the patterns and the pathologies extremely easily.

4) Follow through calmly regardless of what the narcissist throws at you, knowing you are aligned with living integrity and truth and that you are integrity and truth. Don’t worry about the outrageous allies and smear campaigns that the narcissist is trying to use against you. Know this firmly: The truth wins out – ALWAYS.

Truly, narcissistic lies are false power; they are as flimsy as the lack of reality holding them together. Truth is solid and real, and all of life supports you when you are in truth.

Darkness cannot operate within light, and when you know that and be that you will see the narcissist’s hold crumble.

Therefore all you have to do is stand up in solid truth and be that calmly.

If you’re not there (solid on the above 4 points), work on yourself first and don’t tackle the narcissist when taking on the pain from the muck – because if you do – he or she will win.

I would love to hear the comments from people who have detached, focused on being true to themselves and seen the narcissist’s false power crumble…

Your insights will be of great benefit to those individuals that still need to go through police, settlements and custody matters, and as such your post would be a lovely and inspirational contribution.

So then, what is empathetic listening? In short, it is the ability to allow another person to feel safe and heard, whilst being able to put your own triggers, agenda and pain to one side.

It is the ability to seek to understand another, create connection, and promote a safe, connected forum in order to be understood.

We have all experienced conversations with people we have just met, who are not great listeners. When we discuss aspects about our life, they interrupt us, ‘one-up’ us with information about themself, and as a result we certainly don’t feel validated or heard. And we certainly don’t feel connected to this person. We feel separated, and don’t wish to continue a relationship with them.

Our vital relationships can and do benefit from empathetic listening. These vital relationships may be with our children, parents, family, friends, co-workers, employer and ultimately our intimate love relationship.

It is within our love relationships that our greatest challenge lies, because this is where we are the most vulnerable. This is the place where our heart, our life and our destiny is totally on the line.

Within this radio show, you will learn the fundaments of empathetic listening and how it contributes to the goal of creating healthier, more authentic and fulfilling love connections.

You will also discover the limits to empathetic listening, and the cases when for internal or external reasons it won’t work.

You will also learn how to apply empathetic listening, and how empathetic listening can be the vital difference between creating a flourishing positive relationship, or not saving a relationship that will ultimately end in seperation, pain and heartbreak.

Click here to download the show

I would love to hear what you thought of this show, and how you can see empathetic listening improving your relationships.

Did this show help you? Would you like more articles and podcasts that focus on tips and information to help you get love right?

Please post your comments.

This is a universal question, and one that defies all logic.

You see, it isn’t normal. If it were normal, after escaping horrific abuse, you would feel relief.

But nothing could be further from the truth.

There are so many addictive aspects of being tied up in narcissistic abuse, which you can read about in my article Trauma Bonding – Is it Love or Something Else? By reading this article you will realise that your body has to literally detoxify the addiction to the narcissist, the pain, and the addiction in trying to receive normality from insanity.

So back to the question “When is the pain going to stop?”

The answer: The pain will ease when you start regaining yourself.

Let me lay out for you in steps the way to do this.

Step 1: Get Clear on What a Narcissist is.

By doing so, you can start to realise that the person who was your partner is not a person who you can have a healthy love relationship with.

At this point – this is going to be a mental decision, it is very true that your entire cellular addiction (your emotions) want to ‘find a way’ to justify, to try, to fix and to hang on.

The fact is you can’t – and this is why you have to get very clear, so that you know the direction that you need to take yourself – which is forward and out of this relationship.

Step 2: Establish Your Part in This.

This is in no way suggesting ‘blame’. This is about understanding that you lost yourself, that you were holding the narcissist responsible for your wellbeing, and that you allowed the abuse to insidiously tear down your emotions and your life – whilst you were hanging in there trying to create sanity out of insanity.

You need to make it a mission to understand WHY?

This step is ESSENTIAL.

If you continue to be the victim and keep the focus on ‘what the narcissist did to me’ without you turning your focus into yourself – then the pain is NOT going to cease!

At this point – your pondering and investigation of self is going to pull your focus away from the pain of ‘what happened to you’.

In fact as soon as you start putting your focus on yourself, it is like taking your burning hand away from the flame. Yes it will still smoulder, but the intense agony is relieved. And the existing burn can start to heal. If you keep focused on ‘what the narcissist did’, without turning your focus inward, the burn just gets worse and worse.

Step 3: Take Your Focus off Researching the ‘Monster’ and Put All Your Effort Into Healing Yourself.

Okay so now, this is where you have to get down to business, and this business is about healing yourself. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous – “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. This especially applies to recovery from narcissistic abuse.

This is not a case of ‘time heals all wounds’. The wounds are so severe that they need your diligent attention in order to recover.

I always advocate that body work is the best solution. If you feel like you can’t do it alone, my suggestions are the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (it can be trialed for free) or book a 1-on-1 Quanta Freedom Healing. These solutions will grant you cellular relief from the addiction. Then in the meantime bring as much awareness into your being and real life experience so that you can apply a different way regarding the co-dependency, childhood programming and lack of adequate boundaries that led you to being abused by a narcissist.

Stop reading everything you can about a narcissist only. Reading about and understanding narcissism is okay, as long as the majority of your attention is placed on you healing you!

It is complete fallacy that the more you know about the narcissist (without working on yourself), the safer you will be in the future regarding NOT having another one in your life.

No!

The more focus you have on narcissists, the more likely you are to attract one, and keep yourself separated from non-narcissists.

This is an unavoidable energetic reality of Law of Attraction. Which is: What you focus your energy on is what you will attract.

Your goal is to create yourself to a vibration of truth, empowerment, love and freedom with great boundary function, and then you will no longer be a vibrational match for a narcissist.

The Purpose of the 3 Steps

If you do these steps you will reach acceptance (the real key ingredient necessary to heal) so much easier.

Do you know how we recover from painful relationship endings? The answer truly is:

I have accepted that this was not meant to work out as a true love relationship, and was in fact an experience I co-created with another individual so that I could evolve and heal.

It is your goal to reach this point, and if you focus hard on committing to these three steps you will get there quicker that what you could ever imagine.

Then you haven’t just gone through this experience, you have grown through it.

When you grow through it then you have graduated to a level where you will never have to experience the same experience again. You will reach a higher level…

I Know How It Feels

I promise you I am a girl! I know how easy it can be to feel sentimental, to miss someone, to pine for them back in your life, and to go to the old wonderful memories. I’ve done it all myself – truly I have.

I know what it is like to grant someone another chance, and then another and another – in the hope that I can have this person as the love of my life.

I know what it is like to hear through other people that this person loves you, and misses you – and how easy it is to be ‘hoovered’ back into a relationship, or how when trying to move on, and comparing what you miss about this person, feeling intensely that you want to go back to them.

I’ve been there, and felt and done all of those things.

But really this was before I had committed to these 3 steps.

When I wasn’t using these steps, I was not building up solidity within myself, and I wasn’t getting stronger and better. I was in fact feeling the powerless feelings “I need you to love me, miss me and want me back”.

Whereas when I embraced these 3 steps I became “I love myself, I need my own energy, and I am determined to heal me and come back”.

There is a massive difference…I hope this article has given you some insight and knowledge to help you maintain no contact, and recover for good!

Truly, it is up to you.

I’d love to hear where you are up to with these steps in the comments below.

Did you know the belief system you have about yourself self dictates your capacity to achieve your goals and dreams? Our inner belief about ourself creates our real life experiences, regardless of the direction our mind would like to take us.

The problem is most of us have built up many negative beliefs about ourselves over the years, as a result of disappoinment, pain, fear and trauma.

No matter what we try to create for ourselves mentally – such as gaining information from seminars, workshops, and getting therapy, if we hold onto a negative inner identity, it will keep proving itself to us in our everyday life, and we will keep experiencing limitations and less than experiences, and as a result will not achieve our goals.

Take a car salesman for example. He inwardly believes he is capable of $700 of sales a week. This belief sets a limit on how much he can achieve. When he obtains his $700 limit he will sabotage himself from improving on what he believed he was capable of.

Whatever you deeply believe about yourself is exactly what your life will be.

If you try to change your beliefs by mere thinking, you will keep defaulting back to the same inner identity.

In this show I use Quanta Freedom Healing to allow you to make changes to your inner identity, directly, in a language that your inner identity can understand.

By letting go of the negative beliefs (junk) that has causing you to live a less than life; the stuff that is blocking you from reaching your goals, dreams, desires – this opens up the space for you to create the new inner identity that you really want to be.

One that will allow you to reach whatever goals and dreams you desire.

Click here to download the show

If you get benefit out of the healing all I ask is that you please like the post and leave a comment, because I’d love to hear what you thought about the healing! Also please pass it on to friends you think might get some benefit out of it. Quantum Freedom Healing can work for anyone experiencing negative beliefs that are blocking their full potential.

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I hear the same story time and time again, in fact nearly everyone who has joined the NARC Facebook page agrees that the relationship to the narcissist initially felt like the greatest love of their life.

This article explains how this incredible connection occurs and why the bond of love feels so compelling…

When we first became attached to the narcissist, we had the deep and powerful inner belief that this relationship was ‘the one’ – it felt so real and so true to us. It felt astoundingly ‘right’. We thought we had hit the jackpot.

Over time the cracks started appearing, yet we still experienced the glorious times (even if they became less and less) of this ‘delightful person’ who we wanted to believe was the partner of our dreams.

Of course we had to employ all sorts of psychological defences to protect this belief.

We were all conditioned to believe that powerful and all consuming feelings, and the ‘not being able to stop thinking about someone’ and ‘feeling an intense attachment’ must mean love.

We were taught very little about real love – as a safe, supportive, calm, regenerating and trustworthy entity. And we didn’t realise that true and real love necessitates a deep knowing that you are the other half of a safe, supportive and genuine ‘team’.

Narcissistic relationships, in all reality, do not and cannot fit into a healthy description of ‘love’.

Maybe we never knew what ‘safe’, ‘respectful’ ‘reliable’ love was.

Maybe it seemed unrealistic, too hard to achieve, or maybe even boring….

Maybe we have only ever know feelings of fear, deprivation, unease, persecution, anxiety and then the glorious highs that DO come when agony is temporarily relieved with the feelings of ‘Thank God he does get it’, ‘He really does love me” and ‘Now the pain will stop’.

But of course these feelings of euphoric relief and release never lasted. They were simply the reprieve between the hills of the terrorising roller coaster.

Maybe we never realised that when we really ‘fell in love’ with the narcissist, something much more sinister was engendering our powerful feelings of love and attachment.

It seems ludicrous and insane to believe that someone treating you poorly could make you want them, love them, and attach you so powerfully….

…but it is OH so true…

Let’s find out WHY…

Trauma Bonding – Number 1 – Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome has been widely documented, and proven to be a very real deal. The conditions of narcissistic abuse are ripe to create this phenomenon.

Firstly the victim feels that they cannot escape the relationship, this is for the reasons of not wanting to shatter the glorious dream of ‘what this relationship is meant to be’, the loss of lifestyle, finances, security, children’s wellbeing etc., or because of the very real threat of how disastrous life may become when trying to leave and inciting a narcissistic injury within the narcissist, which inevitably brings revenge and destruction.

Therefore, automatically the roles have become prisoner and persecutor. The prisoner’s wellbeing depends heavily on how the persecutor is treating her or him on a daily basis. The prisoner knows that there is a very real threat of cruelty and pain being inflicted by the narcissist, and therefore will try to minimalise the torture, by firstly focusing a great deal of attention on ‘the enemy’, and then trying to find a heartfelt connection with the narcissist to procure nicer treatment.

The narcissistic becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.

The good times are so much about relief, and I can breathe again, and the danger is over for now – that they feel like intense joy, love and appreciation.

Victims who suffer Stockholm syndrome within narcissistic abuse are significantly detached from the real world around them, and are instead enmeshed in the narcissist’s demand, emotions and tormented world.

This often happens as a result of self isolation preferred by the victim, regarding loss of self-esteem, deep inner shame, and the not wishing to confront the outer world which is full of questions regarding the victim’s apparent reclusive behaviour and disconnection from previous interests, friends and family – as well as, of course, the narcissist’s wrath for having any interests that don’t pertain to the narcissist.

Stockholm syndrome feels like ‘love’, as it is a deep attachment to another person for emotional and literal survival.

No different to a child trying to instinctively cling to, grant attention to, love and inspire kindness and security from an abusive parent.

Trauma Bonding – Number 2 – Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is tension created as a result of two opposing thoughts. A simple real life example is the thoughts ‘I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight.’

In order for a person to be able to comfortably accept their choice without anxious feelings of having made the wrong decision (the lingering of inner shame) –a justification for the choice has to be created. Such as ‘It’s totally okay to honour myself, and not meet up tonight – I owe it to myself to relax. If I’m okay with that they will be too.’

In the case of narcissistic abuse, the thoughts of ‘This is abusive and unbearable and I need to get out of this relationship, are in total contrast with ‘I have to stay and make this work.’

In order to ease the inner anxiety of having made the wrong choice, justifications have to be fabricated to offset the inner knowing of horrific abuse.

These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, or ‘I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through’, or worse still ‘He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him like this’, or ‘If I love him enough, I know I can heal him’ or ‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’

In order to rectify the cognitive dissonance of narcissistic abuse, huge overcompensations of reasons to stay have to be created in order to offset the deep inner shame of accepting and enduring abuse.

These justifications have to be powerful enough to seem real to the victim, and they serve to create even greater feelings or attachment, devotion and love.

Trauma Bonding – Number 3 – Repetitive Compulsion Disorder

I have written before about this very real phenomenon in my eBooks, and it is definitely worth mentioning again as one of the key elements of trauma bonding.

Narcissists are unpredictable in nature. The dealing out of random and conflicting abuse and support creates heightened anxiety and addictive state within their victims.

The example I like to use to explain this disorder is what happens to lab rats when they have a button, which releases food pellets, that is set on ‘random’. Normally the rat knows how many times to push the button to receive his meal, and is very content with that.

However, when the button becomes unpredictable and unstable the rat goes into a frenzy pushing the button until the floor of the cage is littered with pellets. He is more interested in staying ‘hooked on’ pushing the button than attending to his own self care.

The rat is addicted to pushing the button (trying to get it to act predictably), just as a gambler is hooked to a poker machine, and just as a narcissistic abuse victim is hooked on trying to gain stable, sane, and safe behaviour from the narcissist.

When life is ‘dangerous’ with any hope of ‘relief’, our psychological and emotional survival wiring compels us to hang on, and put all our energy into finding relief from the danger. Manic fear and pain reigns until the euphoric relief of the situation presents.

If the button was re-set to a standard number of pushes the rat relaxes again, yet if the button was taken out of the cage, the rat would suffer survival panic.

If the addicted gambler wins a jackpot, she experiences temporary relief that she has won back her money lost, yet if she is removed from the poker machine before winning, she will find a way to get back to a machine as soon as possible.

If the narcissist attends to your needs, apologises and acts like he or she has reformed, you feel incredible relief and that you have been removed from the war-zone. Yet, when the narcissist leaves the scene and is no longer reassuring you, you suffer severe separation anxiety that can feel akin to a heroin addict deprived of the next fix.

Repetitive compulsion disorder creates intense addiction anxiety, which can only momentarily be relieved by ‘jackpots’, but never takes long for the anxiety to reach an intense peak again – and of course when we don’t know better, we think these feelings of I can’t live without you and I can’t think about anything but you are ‘love’.

Trauma Bonding – Number 4 – Peptide Addiction

With all of the survival fears, powerlessness and anxieties taking place, a great deal of neuro- peptides, resulting from your disturbed, fearful and unstable thoughts, are manufactured in your hypothalamus (chemical manufacturing plant of our brain) and are distributed into your blood stream and received by the cells of your body.

Our cells get addicted to the peptides they receive powerful doses of, and then physiologically we get addicted to getting more of these peptides, which the narcissist triggers within us regularly.

This creates feelings of I need his attention, I need his validation, I need his approval, I need his support, I need his love, I need him to provide me with some RELIEF and eventually just like a drug addict licking the crumbs off the lounge room rug, we will try to get any amount of the narcissist’s energy regardless of how damaging and soul destroying it is.

What we don’t realise, in our obsessive quest for relief, that it is the pain and intensity of the dramatic highs and lows that the cells of our body have become addicted to.

We have become a helpless addict, and our drug dealer is the narcissist. He or she is dispensing  regularly our body cells’ drug of choice – narcissistic abuse.

The thought of breaking away from the narcissist of course, at this level, feels unthinkable, and impossible to do.

And of course, we mistake it for ‘love’.

Trauma Bonding – Number 5 – Infantile Regression

In times of intense trauma it is common to regress back to your most instinctual learnt behaviour in order to try to survive. This is the clinging of a child to the ‘parent’ you believe is powerful and able to provide some sort of relief to the trauma at hand.

What happens when the closest person that you perceive as a source of support happens to be a cruel and abusive narcissist? The answer is ‘No difference’, because you have already formed powerful attachment and addiction bonds that want to create this person as your saviour.

By reading all the prior information on this blog – now you can understand why.

Infantile regression is powerful, unconscious and a primitive survival program that operates at the very core of your being. Your maturity and self-reliability goes out the window, and is replaced by utter childlike helplessness.

In this state you believe that you will literally die if you do not agree with the narcissist, take the blame, do anything to keep the peace, and grant everything the narcissist wants in the primitive hope that the onslaughts will stop and you will be allowed by the narcissist to avoid complete emotional annihilation.

Your rights are completely withdrawn by yourself and numbed out in your need for survival.

The perverse twist to this is that you have now surrendered your soul to the narcissist and idolised this person as ‘Your God’, who has the ultimate power to dictate your fate.

Then when the narcissist ‘allows’ you to exist again, your idolisation becomes the pathological survival belief: This person is the Creator of my world.

What greater illusion of ‘love’ could there ever be?

The truth about love that you need to travel towards is:

I am the creator of my world, and I am never reliant on any specific person being that creator for me.

When I am my own creator, I will reject what is not good to me, and add into my experience more of who I already am.

In order to do this your focus has to come off the narcissist, and on to yourself so that you may heal from the illusions.

The Truth Always Sets You Free

I know this blog will create differing emotions for some of you.

It may provide relief, acceptance, and the understanding ‘That’s why. I’m not going mad!’

These people, especially those that are committed to working on, healing and recovering their deeper inner self, will see this as a way forward, because embracing the truth about ourself is the only true solution to healing.

Remember that it is the truth that always sets us free. It is being stuck in illusions that destroy us…

If you feel overwhelmed by what has occurred to you, and still don’t want to accept ‘it is not love’, or want to keep your intense focus for extended periods of time on what narcissists are, and why they do what they do, or you want to keep blaming the narcissist’s atrocious behaviour for how you feel now rather than focusing on and healing yourself, then you are not yet in the ‘zone’ of creating real healing and relief.

I hope you know it is my greatest mission to help bring you there.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this blog…

Do you ever wonder why you believe this despite modern society providing ample opportunities for women to manifest their dreams? Logically we may think we can be powerful, yet on some deeper level, we feel the opposite.

I see, all too often, the ‘curse’ of why it can be so hard for a woman to think straight, honour herself and make different choices and behaviours in order to create a happier and more empowered love life for herself.

I’m not talking about the obvious reasons why she may have self-defeating patterns, such as: My mum put everyone’s needs before her own and believed that sustaining a marriage was the most important thing in her life.

Childhood programming is really important, however usually there is deeper and more powerful stuff going on.

These are the limiting beliefs we received before childhood – one’s which already existed in our DNA.

Women have been evolving through the ages – yet it has been a struggle, and a very slow and arduous task.

Not so long ago, women believed it was normal and expected to stay silent, tolerate their life and not ask for their love needs be met.

Not so long ago, women due to the necessity to survive, if in painful relationships, had to sell themselves out horrifically, because having their love needs met was a very minor priority compared to being sheltered, fed, retaining their children and being allowed to live in a community which could protect them from physical danger, rape and murder.

Women often only had one chance at love, and if it didn’t work out it was just too bad.

What Women Went Through Only a Few Generations Ago

The Western world, which has acknowledged women’s rights more than many Eastern countries, still did NOT until 1848 create laws that protected a woman’s property.

Before this time anything that the woman owned was the property of her father and then her husband. Children were considered “property” as well, and remained in the husband’s possession after divorce or separation.

Therefore if she did not make her marriage work she lost every material possession and all rights to her children – and risked her personal ability to survive.

It wasn’t until 1857 she was allowed to divorce and leave her husband, and only if she could prove in a court of law that he had left her, or was cruel to her.

It wasn’t until 1870 that she could keep any money she earned.

It wasn’t until 1891 that she could not be forced to live with her husband if she didn’t want to.

Before married women’s property acts from 1848 onwards were passed, a woman lost any right to control property that was hers prior to the marriage, nor did she have rights to acquire any property during marriage. A married woman could not make contracts, keep or control her own wages or any rents, transfer property, sell property or take out any lawsuit.

Materially women were severely disadvantaged by separation or divorce, but it didn’t stop there.

According to the Oxford Encyclopaedia of World History it wasn’t until 1970, and the explosion of divorces occurring world-wide, that the stigma of divorce began to lessen.

However, still to this day there are many church denominations who will not accept worshippers new, or existing that are divorced.

Traditionally women were seen as bearing the moral duty of keeping the family and marriage together, and often she was deemed a failure if she didn’t. After a divorce she was thought of as morally suspect, and often condemned by her community.

As a result she had very limited if any future suitors. In certain countries she was never allowed to legally married again, even if she did fluke the opportunity.

You may be wondering why the history lesson, and why I am talking about these things, because you might shake your head and say “That’s not what happens now!”

You’re right it doesn’t happen like this now…

But women are still behaving as IF IT DOES!….

These Limiting Beliefs Carry Over In Our DNA

You see, in the evolution of womankind, the changes to have rights, to not be judged, to choose another more suitable partner, retain our children, have possessions, a wage and survive on our own, has only recently become a tiny new portion of our history and ‘makeup’.

We had eons of the old ways before this very new adjustment.

Our mothers hadn’t even started to grasp this new adjustment – and they certainly weren’t comfortable in teaching it to us.

Their own mothers didn’t have a clue about it…

Think about this: a nomadic breed of people cannot be contained and adapt immediately to stationery lifestyles, and certainly not within two hundred years – simply because everything in their inner DNA is screaming: Keep moving with the cycles of nature in order to survive.

Similarly a woman’s inner DNA has not had time to adjust, and is screaming: Keep the peace, make it work, don’t leave the relationship, don’t let him leave you, and don’t go through the horror of a failed relationship.

I want you to really think about the following:

I know where a lot of my deepest fears and love pain have come from, which is all the normal woman stuff:

• If he leaves me I’ll die
• If this relationship doesn’t work, there may never be another one
• If I leave him, people will judge me as being a failure
• No-one else will ever want me
• How on earth am I going to survive on my own?
• If I keep the peace, he’ll stay and at least I’ll be safe

I’m a woman; I’m a product of my forbears…just as we all are. Is it any wonder that most women tend to act more co-dependently, and are more able to tolerate abuse than most men?

I’ve had to work at healing my inner DNA programs, to stop selling myself out to these ancient survival fears – and thank goodness I have, because they used to cripple me.

Don’t resent the fact that you’re a woman, and don’t resent the fact that men had a great deal of the power for a long time. Gloriously, now we live in times where we are granted equal rights…yes it’s true!… And we can now be safe, be loved, create our truth and live it safely – and if it doesn’t work, we have the ability to move on, honour ourself and live and love again.

There are wonderful men available, and in fact even back in those darker times there were fabulous men back then too, and some ladies despite the systems limitations, were able to enjoy fulfilling, caring and considerate marriages.

Please don’t blame men – this blog is not about despising men, it is about loving yourself enough to break out of the limitations that crippled many females before our time.

We do not have to keep living out their pain…

You Can Release The Shackles

So what to do? As always, really feel into these deep DNA Programs, by looking back at the times in your life that you know you have ‘sold yourself out’ and know it was because of incredible fear.

It is likely that, every time you did, these ancient limiting beliefs had something to do with it.

When you become aware of them and embrace them, you will start to dissolve them. Your awareness starts to set you free. You can also start working on journaling, letting go of some of these beliefs, by reframing them into ones that ease the fear, empower you – and therefore serve you.

These limiting belief are stored cellularly in our bodies, within our inner self identity. They play out as fearful emotions. The only way we can stop our inner cycle of fear is to solidly own these emotions, confront them and release them.

We liberate our fears when we face them, let them go and replace them with empowering belief systems.  Once you let go of these limiting beliefs you have the room to establish, become and start living and attracting your empowered inner identity.

The true you, once updated into a vibrationally modern woman, knows she is the creator of her love reality. She knows (without fear) – just like taking her next breath – that she can say ‘no’ to a limited or even painful love existence, and she is her own creator, backed with empowered choices, who aligns with real, safe, healthy and satisfying love.

Many of our sisters before us had limited options, and very little vibrational knowledge. They knew how to be victims and accept their lot in life, because that was all they could do in their hope to survive.

This is not the ‘female reality’ now…

I’d love to hear your comments about how you feel these inner DNA programs play out in your life, and / or how you have been able to liberate them.

For many of us this is a time spent with people close to us. These times are some of the most memorable of my life, many of them good but some of them were at the time, very unpleasant.

As many of you may know, years ago I lived out a pattern of attracting abusive, non-supportive and unhealthy people into my life. When holiday events came around, spending time with them felt like walking on eggs shells. I was not operating in my true self, and I would do whatever I could to try and win their approval… this was exhausting!

Now that I have healthy boundaries, and a firm grasp on my chosen and aligned reality, these people no longer exist in my life, and as I have for many Easters now, I will be spending this holiday with loving, supporting,authentic people.

This is so much more fulfilling, and so less exhausting!

I hope this year you are spending time with people who are healthy for you, and if you still have some damaged, abusive and negative people in your life, you will detach from their negativity, and / or do your best to lay firm, clear and loving boundaries, or choose not to participate with them so that you can be free to do the things this Easter that create happiness, wellbeing and fulfilment for you.

A Little About Me

As we are nearing the time of giving and sharing I would love to share some more of my life with you and where I live.

As many of you know I moved to central rural Victoria. The property is 67 acres ‘off the grid’. It is run by solar power, there is no mains power, no telephone line, and no town water. The internet connect is mobile with an extended aerial (which originally was a huge challenge to get right), all power other than gas comes off the solar unit, and 2 water tanks and 3 dams are the water supply.

I have a definitive interest in self-sufficiency, and I love the thought of being able to grow my own vegetables, make my own cheese and milk, and have my own eggs. For a long time now I have been trying to avoid chemicals and processed food, as I truly believe we are what we eat, and that a great part of the spiritual journey includes what we put in our body.

I believe having a healthy body helps promote a healthy mind, emotions and soul. As a previous co-dependent and obsessive, compulsive individual on the journey to continual self-empowerment, I know how important it is to take responsibility for creating my own well-being, and looking after myself the best I can.

I’m not always perfect at this, there are times when the supermarket is a very easy option, but it definitely is a goal to not have to rely on convenience and be able to provide healthy food for myself and the people I love.

Here are some pictures of my life!

I’m standing here in one of the paddocks on the property; you can see my home in the background.

This is one of my goats ‘Clyde’. With his girlfriend ‘Bonnie’ there will be baby kids in the future and a source of milk. The goats were raised by hand from bottle and they follow me everywhere, they think I am their mother!

Some of the girls who lay the most delicious eggs…

In this picture you can see the house, the massive solar system on top of the shed, the large dam in front of the house and the veggie patch.

Here I am, working with a Quanta Freedom client in my home office by skype. I’m in my trackies! Shhh…don’t tell anyone!

Hope you enjoyed!

Upcoming Video

Those of you who have received Quanta Freedom Healings or accessed the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program are aware of the powerful and life changing results they are capable of facilitating. And you will have realised that these healing programs are very unique and are probably nothing like you have experienced before.

The problem is people that have not accessed these programs have a difficult time fully understanding my healing philosophy and why it works. I get many questions every week such as: What is Quanta Freedom Healing? How does it work? How can you work on me from thousands of miles away? and How can recorded healings that aren’t ‘live’ have a positive effect on my life?

My healing programs are unique because they release and replace your emotions energetically at the deepest levels of where the trauma and pain originally took place. My solutions address the issue directly, rather than just treat the symptoms.

I call this healing philosophy: Energetic Healing.

My definition of Energetic Healing is: The  healing of an emotional issue at its root core level.

Beginning last week I have been working tirelessly to produce a video that explains it all. How I developed my healing philosophy, why it produces the miraculous life changing results that it does powerfully and quickly, and why it is so radically different to everything we have been led to believe previously about ‘healing’.

It should be ready in a few weeks – so please keep a look out on facebook and in your inbox.

You can like my Facebook page here to make sure you don’t miss out on this or any other helpful articles, podcasts and videos that get released in the future..

New Homepage Design and Welcome Page

If you are a regular visitor you may have noticed some new additions to the website.

Firstly the redesign of melanietoniaevans.com homepage and the introduction of my welcome page. These have been developed to make your user experience more enjoyable and provide a perfect starting point for new visitors to ensure they get the information they need as quickly as possible.

I love feedback! If you have any constructive/positive feedback or suggestions to make to the website, welcome page or anything else I would love to hear it. You can leave feedback on the comments below this post, on Facebook or by email.

Have a wonderful Easter, and I would to hear from anyone else that shares an interest in self-sufficiency.

Every day normal tasks may seem beyond comprehension, let alone being able to do them. In fact many people can’t function, they may have to stop working, or may even succumb to being hospitalised.

We all know that narcissistic abuse is awful and tough, but I also want you to consider another reason why when narcissistically abused we crumble into total powerlessness, as if we had been hit by a truck.

The great thing about this reason is that it has nothing to do with the narcissist, meaning the necessary recognition and changes are totally something we can do something about.

I have found a common thread to be consistent with most victims of narcissistic abuse, and that is we are the type of people that are used to giving out energy to everyone else but NOT to ourselves.

This week I want to share a story with you about how I relapsed back into the behaviour of putting everything else before myself, 6 and 1/2 half years after learning my lesson of how and why not to do this.

The result was I felt emptied out, exhausted and powerless, and in order to get myself back, I had to turn around where I was going wrong, and remember how to honour me again.

How it All Started

Most of us who have suffered from narcissistic abuse are people who are capable, diligent individuals who are used to being structured, hardworking and responsible. We are the type of people who were never brought up to understand the value of ‘time out’, ‘looking after ourself’ or ‘filling ourselves up with healing or personal indulgence’.

We were the type of kids that parents told us to ‘Get to school’ regardless of our cough, or sore throat. We also discovered in our childhoods that if we achieved stuff this was when we seemed to be the most acceptable and lovable.

We may have received glares and comments that made us feel guilty about ‘wasting time’, ‘being a noisy playful kid’, and then heard the words “(Your name)…have you finished your homework?” “Go and tidy your room” etc. etc.

Our parents didn’t say to us. “It is so wonderful that you take time out to enjoy yourself and fill yourself up with fun and good feelings, because this is all a part of loving and honouring yourself ”.

In fact the very thought of taking time out and giving to ourself may surface a whole heap of resistance for us, such as “What a waste of time”, or “I feel really guilty about giving to myself”, or “There is so many more important things to focus my energy on it”…all of these resistant feelings are manifestations of the messages that we learnt in our childhoods in regarding to: it was NOT correct to value ourself.  Rather we were ONLY valued by what we could achieve, or how much we could do for others.

The truth of the matter was, for the greater part of our adult lives, we were already running on empty inner energy tanks a long, long time before we suffered our narcissistic abuse experience.

Then of course, when we did, our whole world came crashing down. It was the straw that broke the already sagging and strained camel’s back.

The once capable, competent, intelligent person we believed ourself to be, crashed into the wall, and the simplest of exercises such as getting out of bed, brushing our teeth and walking out the front door becomes as emotionally excruciating as climbing Mount Everest.

What do you think is one of the greatest gifts of the narcissistic abuse experience?

It’s profound, powerful and simple

To learn how to value ourself, and know that we are worth our own self-care and self-honour…

I learnt this lesson 6 and ½ years ago – truly. And ‘getting it’ was as a result of smashing into the wall so hard, that truly it was a wonder I ever got up again.

There were two options, making myself the highest priority in my life with everything I could do to nourish, refill and heal me, or die…

It was a black and white case.

Thankfully I learnt the lesson and embraced it full heartedly at the time, hence why I am happy to be and live my new incredible reality that I am so grateful for today.

How I Forgot The Lessons I Had Learned

Two weeks ago week I had a huge wake up call. Just like all that time ago, when I was not honouring myself enough – not taking enough time out. Getting too serious, too focused, too hard working and forgoing self-care and balance.

I ignored the warning signs that my energy and ‘self’ tank was getting dangerously near empty. You see, before working on myself I was programmed as an over-functioning co-dependent, who can dissociate from what my emotional body is telling me, ignore it, push on and neglect my own self-care, and simply continue granting too much energy out to the world around me.

The old Program: “Melanie is valued for what she does, not just for being her”.

The deeper Program: “I don’t love and accept myself enough to value and care for me”.

Yes, I’ve worked on these in my life – absolutely, and healed them in the past, but mindfulness is required to ensure the old programs do not creep back in. Our blind spots can easily do so if we are not consciously aware and focused on where our ‘not quite right’ feelings and stresses are coming from.

During a difficult past couple of months, because of outside challenges, I had slipped back into my old habits, and as a result I started not granting myself the values of self-love and self-acceptance.

So, anyway, another painful life event occurred, during this time of running on an empty tank (coincidence… I think not). And as a result I crashed. Nowhere near as bad as what I did years ago, but bad enough to be a serious problem. I found it hard to not feel overwhelmed, found it hard to function, and had virtually no energy.

I got on to my own healing (Quanta Freedom Healing) and it was helping, but so much was happening in my life that was challenging, as well as working with clients – so by the end of the day I had no energy left to do the healings on myself.

Headaches and physical symptoms started, and I lost direction and focus, I could not see the wood for the trees. Every time I thought of ‘my to do list’ I struggled with blocked, overwhelmed and painful emotions.

I had fallen into the trap of trying to deal with my outer world without dealing with my painful inner world first.

Which never works…

I should have known that by now, after all what do I teach other people every day?

Okay, so this is what I did – I had left it so long that I felt stuck, I know I needed help to support me, but the thought of booking help, going to an appointment and fitting it in to my life, which due to my ineffectiveness had became disorganised and chaotic, seemed overwhelming.

So I asked a good friend to help me map out time in my diary, source a local kinesiologist, find local massage and help me connect with some support and relief. I also asked this friend to sit with me and help me work through my bills to pay, and hold my hand with some other challenging things in my life.

The relief was incredible…

The lesson I learnt years ago, and needed to pick up again was:

1) Do not wait to grant yourself energy when it is almost too late, and you’re at cracking point

2) Don’t be too proud to outsource and get help

3) As soon as you organise help and support you start feeling better immediately

4) Value yourself enough to know that the investment you put into you is paramount and positively affects every area of your life on every level – and absolutely pays emotional, practical and financial dividends in the short and long term

5) When we honour ourself, life honours us

So anyway within one week, I turned an incredible corner. The ‘body work’ of kinesiology and the herbal remedies I was provided, created a spectacular difference. The massage once a week is invaluable, meditation has become a part of my regular routine again, and the facial I had last Friday is all a part of honouring me.

I am back to ‘me’…the way I need to be…

I have also started going out to lunches, dinners and social occasions with very clear ‘end of work time boundaries’.

Things HAD to change again…

So let’s see, have I really learnt this lesson this time? Am I really ready to embrace the knowing that time-out, granting myself nourishment, nurturing and healing is paramount and is a maintenance regime, a lifestyle that I owe myself and all of life? After all I can only give out in empowered ways if my emotional energy tank is full.

A huge Law of Life that anyone who has been narcissistically abused needs to understand is

Life Can Only Grant You the Treatment That You Are Prepared to Grant Yourself

It doesn’t matter how much of a nice person you are with integrity, because if you

1) Treat yourself like a machine

2) Don’t look after your emotional inner world and inner spiritual self nourishment

3) Put other individuals always before yourself

4) Believe that you are NOT valuable or lovable or acceptable ‘just as you’, and are only appreciated, loved and valued for your productive output

….you will attract someone

1) Who dehumanises you, objectifies you and defiles you

2) Batters your inner emotional and spiritual world

3) Make it all about ‘them’ rather than ‘you’

4) Uses you for energy, resources and possessions and will never love you simply for being yourself

Oops have I just described a narcissist…?

Make sense?…

Do you get this really vital message?

If you have noticed yourself slipping back into old patterns, I would love to hear a comment on what you did to snap out of it and start putting yourself first again. Your story could be invaluable to someone who is struggling with this.

How many times do we pick up that cigarette after 4 days of not smoking, or eat that whole slice of chocolate cake, and then two more when we promised ourself that we would only take a slither?

I know I have struggled with a number of addictions in my life; from alcohol, cigarettes and of course… relationships. I would continually repeat the behaviour that I knew was bad for me. And burn a lot of energy beating myself up in the process.

That was until I realised that this behaviour was a merely a program playing out in a cycle to cover up my feelings of emptiness in regards to love, support and purpose. When I reprogrammed this cycle and started providing myself with love, support and purpose something powerful happened..

The addictions were gone!

In this article I am going to show you how you can get rid of any addictions or self defeating behaviours that are holding you back by reprogramming yourself to provide love, support, purpose and fulfilment from within.

The Urge to Avoid Pain Creates the Cycle of Addiction

Perhaps you continually say “Yes” when you need to say “No”, and haven’t started doing this yet despite how much you are continually damaging yourself by saying ”Yes” to people, choices and actions that are destroying you.

Our emotions are powerful, and they are either neutral or experiencing pleasure or pain. As human beings we have been conditioned to avoid pain at all costs. The problem is avoiding pain without dealing with it leads to creating more pain.

Let me explain.

The craving for a cigarette, a piece of chocolate cake, or the neediness for love or approval from a specific person is felt as pain.

The craving creates an emotion whereby rather than being appreciative of ‘what you do have’ right here, right now – your focus is on ‘what you don’t have’ right here, right now.

The emptiness of ‘not having’ creates the feeling ‘if I have this thing that I am craving the pain will go away.’

The instinctual response is to ‘go for’ this thing or person that you have the craving for, and this intense urge takes control of your actions.

When you give into this urge you only feel short term relief, there is no real lasting peace or fulfilment, you still feel empty on the inside, and the craving will inevitably reproduce again and the cycle will continue.

This is the cycle of addiction.

It is important to understand that addictions are emotion based. It is your unfulfilled and ‘empty’ emotions that are writhing in pain, urging you to give into anything that will provide momentary relief.

We are all scared of pain, until we realise that pain is a perfect opportunity to apply mindfulness, heal and grow into a much more fulfilled and solid sense of self.

Pain can be Mindfully Embraced Rather Than Avoided

When we start embracing our pain and transforming it, a powerful change starts to take place in our brain, in the cells of our body, and we literally re-wire our emotions and our choices. We form and create new patterns that end up being effortless. Over time the struggle with the particular addiction simply no longer exists.

The only way we can create this process is by staying present with our emotions and working through them, rather than avoiding them.

How do we do that?

If you have had enough of repeating the actions that you know are not serving you, I’m going to give you a little exercise to do.

Merely reading this and being cognitively aware of it, won’t help you.

Making the commitment to apply it and to keep applying it will.

Five Steps to Releasing the Behaviour That isn’t Contributing to who You want to be

STEP ONE:

Choose the number #1 thing that if you stopped doing it – It would positively impact your life the most.

STEP TWO:

Now make the decision that you want to change this behaviour.

Write out a declaration to yourself.

“I (Your name) now declare that I am in the process of changing (the behaviour) as I am aware it is not contributing to who I want to be …(date)”

(Feel free to use your own language this is just an example)

STEP THREE:

Now write “I am aware that when I do (the behaviour) I am experiencing the following feelings of emptiness in regard to what I don’t believe I have in my life now.”

Now remember the feeling of the craving, take your awareness inside yourself and fully feel into and embrace the feelings of emptiness and ‘what I don’t have’ that is creating your craving…

Really feel into it. You can do this by bringing up a memory of the last time you felt ‘empty’, go into this feeling, literally drop into it and become ‘at one’ with it. Now what is it about?

These empty feelings will be to do with feeling a lack of love, support, fulfilment or purpose.

Write as much detail as you possibly can about these empty feelings.

Know that you can never get the relief of these feelings from your addiction. You need to be able to provide this for yourself. It has to come from within.

STEP FOUR:

Now write down “In order to fill myself and heal these feelings of ‘what I don’t have’ I can and will fill myself up with all of the appreciation of ‘what I do have’ right now.”

Okay, this is where you need to be creative. And with all ‘prepaving’…(manifestation term for creating an energy that you are going to flow into and become) you may literally have to make it up.

The great thing is, your emotional body knows no difference between what you are imagining, what you choose to tell yourself, and what is actually real.

In fact what ‘becomes real’ is always what you decide to think about, feel and believe NOW.

So examples of filling yourself up with what ‘you do have’ are:

Craving for Cigarettes

• The ability to exercise
• The joy of better health

Craving for Chocolate Cake

• Loving myself by preparing healthy food
• Enjoying feeling light, free and healthy

Craving to get love and approval from someone hurting me

• Knowing I have the ability to grant love and approval to myself
• Loving myself enough to say “No”
• Knowing I have real and supportive people who do supply genuine love
• Knowing I can create a real love partner one day who does supply genuine love
• There are many ways I can source out support to grant myself love and self-approval, which will then create ‘more of that’ in my life.

With your list brainstorm and write as many positives as you can in regard to ‘how you will fill yourself up’ when the next craving strikes.

You may have realised in Step Three that your craving is not only to do with reversing the literal craving, that it may also be to do with filling yourself up with positive feelings in regard to any area of your life, and absolutely needs to counteract the empty feelings you discovered in Step Three.

STEP FIVE:

When the craving strikes, either mentally tell yourself your new story of ‘what you do have’, or write it down again repetitively or play yourself a tape of your own voice speaking these points repetitively.

It is very important to focus on the positive feeling of these words.

Initially that may be tough, but it will get easier, and more and more powerful.

Keep doing this process until the pain of the craving stops.

Repeat it any time that the craving reappears.

Know that what you are doing is effectively reprogramming your neuron pathways and cellular body to become the new program. You will then have effectively filled the hole where the emptiness was, and because there is no emptiness, there will be no more craving.

Be aware that the addiction may be very powerful. The first few times that you go to break free from the addiction it will kick, scream and fight. It will throw a tantrum because it has been used to getting its own way…

The pain will hit you hard and come at you with intensity that may feel like literal panic or even dread.

What You Can Do If You Are Struggling

If you can’t keep your focus on creating the new program of ‘what you do have’, because the intensity of the craving is so bad, then just be with the pain. Lie down if you can, place your hands on your stomach, focus on feeling the pain and just breathe.

It’s very important to NOT THINK. Don’t add any stories to the pain, don’t give it power. Just fully feel it, be with (knowing it will pass, that you’re not avoiding it, and it won’t kill you) and focus on “A breath in, a breath out” (say this to yourself) and breathe in and out as slowly and as deeply as you can.

I promise you the pain will pass.

Do this the first few times the craving hits and don’t cave in to the craving, and when the pain feels less intense you can check in to see whether or not you are able to start focusing on and reprogramming yourself with the ‘what I do have’ information you are granting yourself, which will speed up your recovery even more.

Before you know it, if you keep this process up consistently and diligently the emptiness will go, and the cravings will subside, and you will be rid of your addiction, be aligned with ‘what you do have’ and start manifesting those things as solid reality into your life.

If you give in don’t beat yourself up… Continue to support yourself and tell yourself you will be stronger next time.

If you feel that you can’t change your focus and your ‘story’ yourself – that’s ok! All of us, at times need support and help, because we may not have the energy or the stamina to do our emotional re-programming by ourselves.

I can hold your hand each step of the way in my one-on-one vibrational healing sessions called Quanta Freedom Healings. I have had hundreds of clients just like you report life changing results. You can read their testimonials and everything you need to know on this page. As my personal time is required, it is a paid resource, however I am so confident about this service that if you don’t get real, full and life changing results I will refund your money no questions asked.

Do you understand that the craving was granting you the pain to find your emptiness, rectify it and get aligned with creating and experiencing the life you were always born to create?

That’s the truth…

So many people ask – How can I be sure?

I want you to be very clear on what I am about to state. It’s actually not important whether someone is NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or whether they aren’t, or are displaying enough narcissistic traits to make your life painful or unbearable. What is important is that you are aligned with and living the life that you wish to live, and creating that truth by holding powerfully to that truth – no matter how hard that may be to do…

Most people have some narcissistic traits and it is normal to have exhibited narcissistic behaviour at some point in their life. However the is a big difference between normal people who are capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their behaviour and those with NPD who are unable of this.

I am aware that this person at some point seemed like the love of your life and the temptation is to try and help this person change their narcissistic behaviour and recover. The problem is that some people take the N’s word immediately only to be set up for another soul destroying experience.

In this article I am going to show you how you can use the most powerful tool in your arsenal – boundaries to find out if this person is capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their actions without risking another experience that could cost you your soul, mental well-being and even life.

There is nothing worse than being set upon maliciously by someone you believed you could trust, someone you love, and someone you thought loved you and had your best interests at heart.

It is a highly traumatic experience…

Do you want to have that happen to you again at the hands of this person?

Clearly – NO!

I promise you it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behaviour, have had their near death experience (wake up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy and addressed their inner toxic issues causing their narcissistic behaviour, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive and loving partners – and even spectacular ones.

It’s not the norm, but it can happen – if this person has the resources and is not NPD.

There is a huge difference between a person who has acted badly, takes full responsibility, does everything in their power to heal, and another who stays stuck in non-accountability, projection and poor behaviour.

The truth of the matter is, if this person does have the resources to heal and re-create themselves as a stable partner with integrity for you – a lot of this shift has to be created by you.

But it won’t be as a result of you ‘fixing’ this person.

It will actually be as a result of you ‘fixing yourself’…

Therefore, don’t wait around, research articles and obsess about whether or not your narcissistic partner is or isn’t capable of healing and amending their ways.

Instead live your truth powerfully.

THEN you will find out…

A little further in this article I’m going to explain how you can do that…

Before I do that, I would like to share my opinion regarding the people who truly I feel there is little or no hope for..

Which Narcissistic People Are Extremely Unlikely To Heal

• Pathological liars
• Serial sex addicts
• Those resistant to having any therapy, or who denounce therapy after one or only a few visits, or who use therapy as a ‘trick’ to make you assume they are changing, or use joint therapy experiences without accountability to devalue you as the partner (you’re the defective crazy person)
• Physical abusers
• Those which display a distinct lack of empathy
• Individuals who display regular criminal, sociopathic or psychopathic behaviour

If your narcissistic partner or ex-partner fits into any of these categories, I believe the chances are incredibly slim of reform, and I would suggest moving on and keep moving on. This is just my opinion based on what I have observed over the years. If you believe otherwise that is fine.

What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?

• Hitting rock bottom as a result of ‘loss’ – generally this loss will be you
• Full and ongoing ownership and accountability of what they have done, the issues they have, the damage created and total remorse for their narcissistic actions
• Ongoing and committed therapy that he or she is doing as an integral part of their personal journey, as a ‘have to’ and a ‘want to’ do.
• Repairing any damage they have inflicted to the best of their ability – including financial damage
• Full focus on caring about you and wanting to support you and help you feel safe in the relationship rebuild
• Granting consistency and full disclosure of their life, and the actions match the words
• Ability to grant you the time and space to heal and connect at your pace
• Not displaying entitlements, jealousy or revenge concerning any relationship opportunities you may have pursued in your time apart – instead accepting it’s because of their behaviour that you were in that position
• Willing to talk to anyone else in your life that doubts them, has been damaged, or has fear for your well-being, whilst conducting themself in full humility and accountability in order to help support you
• Loving you enough to want you to be happy with or without them in your life (not making it about them)
• Asking you to lay boundaries such as financial or relationship contracts to prove commitment and to help you feel safe (if applicable).

What you are reading above may be outlandish or even seem incredible to you. I promise you there are individuals who have treated their partners abusively who have risen from their narcissistic actions to become the men and women I am describing above.

And quite frankly their partners after losing trust and having the hearts smashed should know that it is only with these types of actions that you can be safe to trust this person again. Also nothing less than full accountability, real boundaries and compliance with these boundaries is going to ensure the narcissistic behaviour does not happen again.

And you should never engage again unless you do receive this level of authentic sincerity.

These traits (all of them are necessary), are the only way you will know that your partner is in fact not NPD.

Narcissistic Supply or Genuine Remorse and Rebuild?

We all know narcissists often don’t like letting go. We all know they can say exactly what we want to hear, cry, plead and promise the world.

Narcissist’s love ‘hoovering’ (sucking you back in to the relationship in order to get narcissistic supply), if fact it is one of their most practiced and perfected games. The intent behind the “I love you, I can’t live without you’ is not the accountability to transform into a loving, safe, healthy partner – the intent is to get you back into the narcissistic malicious web. In such cases it is nothing to do with ‘love’, it is all about feeding the narcissist’s insatiable ego.

You see it is an enormous insult to a narcissist for a previous partner to move on and create a life without them….

Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse

 1. DON’T take this person on their word immediately

Tell him or her “I still love you” (if that’s how you feel), but state firmly “I can’t trust you, and I would never consider this relationship again unless I could.”

Now you have thrown down the challenge. If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they have to prove they can be trusted.

2. DON’T grant this person a chance until they ‘crack’ and hit ‘rock bottom’

Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff on to you. Narcissistic behaviours are created from fear and ego, and egos are powerful. They need to crack open with pain in order to be addressed and healed, otherwise the show of ‘love’ and ‘remorse’ will only be a band-aid that will not hold.

3. DON’T accept any suspected narcissist who is not committed to ongoing therapy and personal development

Decent people (which can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly) accepting their behaviour is defective, and that their life is not working for themself and others, want to fix their issues. Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and not committed to granting you safety and trust.

4. TEST the accountability and remorse

People who have hurt you are never safe unless they can provide genuine accountability and remorse. Those who can’t are absolute repeat offenders waiting to happen – guaranteed. If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.

Projections, blame throwing and excuses are not acceptable – even if spasmodic. They either accept what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.

5. KNOW the difference between it being ‘about you’ or being ‘about them’

If you have been abused it is time to be ‘entitled’. You are learning that in order to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love and support you have to be it and live it. Watch the suspected narcissist at his or her version of rebuild. Believe me it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if considering taking this person back.

Is this person consistently caring about you? Do they state things like “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. I want you to talk it out and feel safe”?

Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants that the demands, aggression, projections, blame throwing  ‘poor me’ and guilt trips start again.

6. TRUST how it feels.

As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away go back to no contact and hold your powerful personal boundaries.

Remember – Narcissistic abuse is not your reality…

The Million Dollar Question

Now I hope you realise the question really isn’t “Is he or she really NPD?” the questions really is: “Is this person going to really step up and become a healthy, safe partner?”

The truth is you will never know the answer to that question until it does or doesn’t happen. If you don’t see this happening – your answer is “No”. If it hasn’t and isn’t happening right here / right now – then the answer is “No” unless it ever does happen, and then the answer may change.

In the meantime you are living your life in truth and alignment… Seek out people and a life that is in alignment to truth, integrity, love and support and accept NO LESS.

We can’t create that reality any other way.

Certainly you never will create a healthy, safe love reality by accepting someone in your life who is abusing you without them performing the above necessary criteria.

If your situation is not about the possibility of getting back together with a narcissist, but more about presently being with a narcissist who you wish could change – leave him or her, set the parameters and find out of this person is real, if the love is real, or whether it was a NPD relationship.

Be very, very clear you deserve nothing less than real love and truth and hence why the boundaries I have described are crucial, absolute and completely necessary.

People who reunite with narcissists without establishing and sticking to boundaries , always run a large risk of stepping back into even worse abuse that they originally walked away from…

This is another one of those life and death – make or break deals …totally.

Know that if you do accept abusers in your life without them proving their integrity and safety you are abusing yourself.