This blog article is deep and it is one I am bringing to you from my Soul.
I woke up this morning with an incredible peace, and a wonderful inner serenity. I am visiting a magical place of beautiful natural surroundings.
Ironically this is a place which used to hold incredible pain and trauma for me – a place where I had once suffered mind-bending abuse at the hands of a narcissist.
Today I am free – I have no triggers here amongst these familiar surroundings. I know I am not just free from the narcissist. I am free in my heart and my mind.
As with all journeys from hell to heaven – this was a profound one. It was a journey of my Soul.
I want to share my journey with you so that you can make your way on this journey and so you too can be authentically free.
This is a spiritual journey, it’s an inner journey, it’s a journey from our learned powerlessness into the claiming of our divine powerfulness.
It’s a journey of leaving pain, fear, destruction and trauma behind. Having it fall away, like shedding an old skin, and being released into the light, love, support and warm embrace of ‘the light’ of real life.
This is the breaking free of all of the shackles of constriction and paralysis to becoming the open energy of breathing in life. This is a release into the inspiration, space and joy in our heart and mind to know with every cell of our being – no matter where we have come from and what we have endured – everything wonderful is possible.
The word ‘wonder-ful’ is important. Because when we do truly break free there is no more merely ‘hoping one day it will get better’. Instead we become full of the wonder of life and the incredible possibilities that will and are unfolding in front of us.
Letting Go And Moving Toward The Light
The quantum leap into our own healing evolution is not just a ‘simple’ thing. Enlightenment (living without fear) is not just a decision we can make in a moment.
Some people claim that it ‘just happened’, and I am sure this has happened for some remarkable people, however the reality for most of us is the delivery into freedom is not some spontaneous event.
Now I’m not claiming to be enlightened, but I’ll share with you how I am working toward this.
It started with ownership and my deeply held spiritual belief about energy and the creation of my life. My healing began with 100% personal responsibility to be the creator of my life from the inside out. I knew no one else was responsible for the aligning with my Soul (establishing oneness, love, inspiration, and connection to Source) and this was a journey I needed to deeply partner myself on.
I knew to become a true and authentic Source to myself required being able to partner Source, Universal wellbeing, my Inner Being and Life directly without outside egoic props.
This is what unconditional love means – it means being able to achieve the state of ‘In-love’ without anyone or anything needing to be a certain way in order to ‘grant’ it.
Unconditional love is living In-love without having outside conditions. Unconditional love begins with an authentic state from within, a constant, solid state that is not precariously poised on what someone or something else is or isn’t doing.
I knew this was the only way to be authentic love, joy and inner peace. I also knew that throughout my entire life there was nothing I had ever tried to achieve, be, do or have for any other reason other than to experience real authentic inner happiness.
My narcissistic relationship experiences taught me so much.
They taught me the futileness of trying to be love, joy and authentic peace from the outside in. Life had shown me the incredible (and of course excruciating) lessons of not having partnered my own Inner Being and Life directly.
For me personally, this has absolutely been the greatest gift.
Partnering With The Light
There is only one way to be truly free, In-love and at peace, and that is through directly partnering with ‘the light’. None of these states (which are our entire reason for existence) come through any attachments to narcissism. Narcissistic models are the absence of light. They are in fact the death of it.
That is not what our Soul desired for us, and it is not Who We Really Are.
When we make the journey of ‘letting go into the light’, we need to become the ‘light’ to match up with it, surrender into it, and let it into our being. The light cannot penetrate our being when we have darkness (pain and fear) residing within us.
The Choice Of Darkness Or Light
The wonderful thing about narcissistic abuse is it powerfully shows up for us the ‘darkness’ – the pain and the fear that feels so awful .We know we don’t want this in our life, because it is so unbearable to live with the trauma and the torment that narcissistic abuse brings.
As co-dependents we have not made the decision to ‘become bad people’. We have not decided to forego our connection with our Soul and Oneness to purposefully surrender to the ‘bad’ and become pathological to survive. Our reverence for life will not allow it – it is like we know that to forego our Soul would create the inner destruction of our spirit (as well as everything and everyone around us) and we just can’t make that choice.
It’s important to understand that when you are filled with such pain, the fear, the feelings as if ‘black ink’ is running through your veins and the intense torment, you feel identical to how a narcissist does each and every day if narcissistic supply is not forthcoming, or if the narcissist’s defective self cracks open and ‘feels’ exposed.
The greater majority of the narcissist’s life and inner dialogue is filled with emotional torment.
The narcissist has fully accepted and absorbed ‘darkness’ and his or her reality, and knows no other way.
We do not have to accept this darkness as our reality, or our life.
Before being narcissistically abused we did not realise that our inner emptiness, pain and fear and looking to ‘the outside’ to fulfil us was a disconnection we had with our own Soul.
At this point the relationship we had with ourself, life and others was simply our version of ‘normal’. As yet we had no ability to compare it with true inner connectedness because we hadn’t embraced what that was.
If we did not pull away before experiencing abuse in narcissistic relationships we became more and more disconnected. The narcissist was an expert at pulling down our not-so-secure connection, projecting his or her darkness onto and into us, and we fell into the trap of seeing and assigning the narcissist as our Source rather than claiming the becoming of our own Source.
This caused an intense agony which I believe is like no other.
Disconnection from life force, the natural flow of wellbeing and our Inner Being is the exact reason for ALL trauma and torment for all people.
There is no other reason for emotional pain, disease or any other dysfunction.
When we are disconnected from this abundant Source, we are not in the light, we are full of darkness. We feel intense fear and pain and trauma. We are haunted by the past, we don’t know how we can cope in the present, and we are terrified about our future.
It is like living in hell.
I do not believe hell is a ‘place’, I believe it is a state. It’s the state of being devoid of light.
We have a choice. We can choose to do all that we can to move into and fully claim the light or we can remain in the darkness. It’s a choice of succumbing to the powerlessness of darkness, or wanting with all of our heart to be in our True Power, which is full of light.
When we understand that everything we create in our outer world is a full representation of ourselves there is no other choice to make. If you wish to create -good, real, healthy, gentle, genuine love, deep authentic soul connections, win/win outcomes and truly live and fulfil your life purpose – none of these things will be authentic for you or remain in your life if you are vibrating in fear and pain.
How many of us thought that our previous life was for ‘real’ only to discover it was anything but?
In reflection, looking back we can understand that we were not as yet in our True Power. We were not as yet in the light.
It Is Darkest Before Dawn
To recover from narcissistic abuse and move from the darkness into the claiming of your inherent light – you need to go backwards in order to go forward.
Narcissistic abuse is an immense opportunity for your Soul to evolve.
As a result of this experience you have the ability to be the most incredible being of light that you could imagine, where not only are you completely vibrationally removed from the narcissist, you are also delivered to a higher level of life, love, bliss and inner and outer freedom than you could have previously imagined.
You can be released into a reality where everything is possible and you are able to directly, divinely and lovingly co-create with life free of pain and full of wonder.
When we are considering a transition that is so immense, and is as polar opposite as ‘night and day’, obviously this is not just some glib journey. Rather it is an incredibly profound experience.
Imagine if you were to wake up tomorrow free of pain and fear. What if you knew that no matter what your life looked like now that your Inner Being and Life has your back, and that everything is unfolding in perfect and divine order and everything you need and want is possible and even inevitable?
How would it be for you to feel the inner freedom of peace, space, truth, authenticity and loving, trusting and accepting yourself right here, right now without any feelings of shame, guilt, regret, loss or admonishment?
How would it be to feel free of trauma, triggers and to have complete relief and space in your mind knowing that any of the ridiculous choices, tactics and maliscious, childish behaviours of the narcissist are totally Not Your Reality, quite frankly to be pitied with compassion, totally impersonal and have no bearing on Who You Are and what your life really is?
This is what living in the light is…and if you want it THAT is your goal.
It’s vital to understand this is an internal goal and THEN your external will follow.
A lot of us made the mistake of trying to battle with the narcissist’s darkness and turn it into light. Naturally we did not succeed, and we were never going to. All we did was immerse and enmesh ourselves into more and more darkness.
Right now the ‘battle’ actually has NOTHING to do with the narcissist. It has everything to do with ourself, and it is a straightforward quest – to free ourself from our own pain and fear (darkness) – knowing it is irrelevant who did it to us.
What is totally relevant is that this pain and fear is stopping us living in the light, and it is preventing us changing our vibration so that we never have to experience it again and it is stunting us from being free to move forward into and create different experiences.
Experiences which match the light.
The experiences of light is the deep Soul connection of love firstly for yourself and then with life and others.
This isn’t possible when you are vibrating with fear and pain.
It is a total illusion that your vibration will change as a result of external situations changing. This is a powerless and a totally futile belief.
Your life will never, and can never change UNTIL you change yourself.
Then everything changes.
We need to take the light (the desire to heal and break free) into our inner darkness (fear and pain) so that we can release it out of ourselves in order to let in the light.
The incredible and magical transformation starts to get underway when we take our focus off the outer darkness. When we do, we stop battling the narcissist or having any concern for what he or she is or is not doing, and we start doing all that we can to purge ourselves of the energy which is NOT Who We Really Are.
THEN the narcissist, and all that narcissism stands for becomes Not You Reality and you will be released into a glorious Universe that is yours by divine right.
Because when you truly become ‘the light’ no darkness can be in your reality – it just isn’t possible. This is when the narcissistic hooks, tactics and repeat abuse stops, ends and dissipates from your life. The memories and traumas, and mental, emotional and physical symptoms of trauma all melt away in this brilliant light.
Not only will your actions and choices match your inner light unfolding, but all of life also collaborates with you to create this reality. The space within yourself, and from life simultaneously opens up for wonderful experiences to come forth.
This is why you need to go directly into your darkness in order to release it, because it is the only way to come out into the light.
Yes this takes immense courage, and yes it hurts like hell – but the results mean that everything in your inner and outer life can start to come good for you. And regardless of how much pain you need to feel and embrace, immense relief and freedom flows through with each and every one of them as a result of doing so.
When we know this is the only real way to evolve and break free then we rise like a phoenix from the ashes, and know that is what narcissistic abuse was always meant to create for us.
Shining The Light On Our Darkness
We know that trying to change outside circumstances never works, we can only ever change our internal being in order to create any true change.
The rawer our wounds are the more easily we can find them. When they are extremely close to the surface or have burst through the surface we can go to and claim ‘what hurts’ and we can open up to our profoundly wise inner intelligence and ask ‘what is this about?’
The information that comes when we are emotionally authentic with ourself, and stop blaming ‘the outside’ is astounding. We discover that our wounds did not originate from the narcissist. We discover that the narcissist was a match for the painful and fearful beliefs that we already had about ourself, life and love.
We discover things about ourself that we previously believed ‘worked’ that in fact didn’t, considering the inner and outer feelings and life we truly wanted to live.
When we start embracing ourselves fully, we replace self-judgement and self-criticism for a loving self-fascination, and a desire to support, love and heal ourself in order to transform these beliefs and elevate ourself to a way of being, feeling and living which does serve us.
This is when we become aware and start living consciously.
We start to observe, understand and master our emotions and we start witnessing the breakthroughs we co-create with life. No longer do we go through life living the same unconscious pain, triggers and events which are clearly in repeat, and hurt us with no idea what they really mean or what to do with them.
We stop being victims and pointing the finger ‘to the outside’.
We start seeing our progress rapidly reflected back to us from life. We start seeing the existing non-narcissistic relationships in our life transforming into deep authentic relationships as a mirror of the deep authentic relationship we are establishing with ourself. We start attracting in new people who are authentic selves.
We see other areas of our life start to fall into place and ‘work’.
We begin to witness ourself as a conscious co-creator of love, truth and joy.
These life transformations bring a powerful inner joy and bliss that far exceeds a pay-rise, a new car or home, or securing attention or approval from someone else.
When we start living through our Soul authentically we start to deeply connect to what our life is really about – and we know that the ‘outer things’ are simply an extension of feelings of wellbeing, love and truth – but in no way could they provide these feelings.
When you have this inner foundation right, and the more and more you get free of fear and pain – then you become magnificent.
From authentic wholeness, there is nothing that you can’t be, do or have. Knowing this is just you being more of you and unfolding into a life which is happily cooperating with your vibrational offering of ‘light’.
The journey from the darkness into the light is the richest and most satisfying journey you could ever experience as a human being.
I have claimed this journey. I know what it is to be in this light – and it is my greatest mission that you too do all that you can to find every part of you determinedly which is vibrating in fear and pain, and release it and transform it – so that you can live the magic and truth you were born to live.
Without being narcissistically abused, would we have strove for this – or would we have just kept living out our previous level of ‘normal’?
I know the answer to that question for myself…
I know I would have never found authentic inner connection and happiness if it had not been for narcissistic abuse.
Please know… I understand the pain, fear and darkness from the very depths of my being.
I previously lived days where I thought I was never going to make it.
This is why I do this work and this is why I wanted to share this article, because I know if I could make it from the trauma and pain and powerlessness I felt, that you can too.
I remember how I went through tissue box after tissue box claiming, feeling and shifting every pain, fear and trauma I could find that was holding me back – because I was so determined to be free.
I know you can be free too…
I am standing over here where pain and fear no longer exist, or if it does appear can be claimed and transformed, saying “Please come over here and join me in the light . I know you can do it….”
It is your full deservedness to be a being of light…
You were always meant to come home to Who You Really Are.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this article.
Another great article, at the right time. Today while driving home from work. It hit me, I am not on survival mode anymore….I am on live mode….after all these years – I have come into my own. Thanks for another great read that is so true!
Hi Martha,
I am so pleased you have broken free into the light!
Gorgeous!
Mel xo
Dear Melanie,
I had to write to you. I am travelling on such spiritual chaos. So much dark and light. I see the beauty and gifts from those that come my way in such simple ways every day 🙂 Yet, there are those elements of such darkness that come in. They still control and affect even though i know. They cause such pain and havock yet i still come back to who i am. So confused.
Sharlene xxx
Hi Sharlene,
what you are describing is very common – and I will explain.
The darkness (fear and pain) that you are feeling is coming from your subconscious programming – it is unhealed wounds.
Your subconscious communicates to you via emotions – and it lets you know if you ARE aligned with your Inner Being (positive feelings) or ARE NOT (negative feelings).
The problem is if we try to work out what is going on with pain and fear through our limited cognitive mind – we suffer ‘blender brain’. Our logical mind is not equipped to have insight into our emotions – because the very positioning of the logical (egoic) mind is to resist going inwards and to keep looking outwards. Our logical mind in effect keeps us separated from our Inner Being.
So you are feeling fear and pain – and your logical mind will try to find a ‘reason’ for that – but can’t come up with a definitive answer, and certainly not an answer that will hold and bring transformation and peace – and the reason it doesn’t is because it simply does not have the resources to.
It will seem that you are being triggered by something on the outside – but what in fact happened is YOUR INSIDE is being triggered and is showing up as negative emotion (fear and pain) as “Hello – please listen to me, I need you help I am not aligned with my Inner Being on this topic, and because I am not aligned I am HURTING!’
When you stop trying to work this out logically and access a healing tool that can take you inwards to gain insight (inner-sight) you will grasp the WHY and WHAT that fear and pain is about and you will be able to release it and transform it into alignment with your Inner Being.
My favourite tool is of course QFHealing (in NARP) and next effective (in my opinion) is kinesiology….
When you take the inner path that bypasses your logical mind you will understand how powerful and effective your Infinite Inner Intelligence is and just how destructive and ineffective logical processes are in comparison…
And then confusion (blender brain) and the pain and fear will start dissolving and you will start breaking free into the true richness of your Inner Being.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
So did you leave the narcissist? Or did you come to this conclusion and stay?
I am still in the dark and fighting my way out. Melanie, your words help me so much to hang on and I know I will reach the light one day.
It is true, if I never met my narcissist, I would still be living my “previous level of normal”. It is taking time but I am working to re-claim my life at every level.
I can’t wait to get to the other side and join you in the light. I have been there in the past and I know how joyous it truly is….thanks for guiding me in my journey. You are truly a miracle! xo
Hi Dana,
Thank you for your post, and it is wonderful that you want to claim ‘living in the light’.
My post above to Sharlene may really help you understand how to powerfully claim that.
You are so welcome, and I am so happy that I can help 🙂
Mel xo
Fantastic article!! You are my hero and my inspiration. I hope I can be where you are today in a short while. Thank you Melanie.
HI Mel! I’ve missed you! as I have been busy with finding more of my light 🙂 and working with NARP. I am finding more of me.
It sure is horrific when living in the darkness with Narcs and I was living like I was hostage to him and his needs, never being able to go out and live in daylight, without his approval or constantly telling him where I was, and what I was doing. I lived in a small unit with him near the beach, a lovely unit, but was not allowed to have sunlight or any sort of light into the unit (as it could damage his ‘precious collectables’ and it was more important for him to have the collectables in good condition, but as for me, a living, breathing human being, that he was ‘in love with’ and ‘cared a lot about’being the most important ‘thing’ in the world to him, was becoming ill from lack of light, causing me deep depression. I do respect other peoples possessions, but when it is obsessive, I have trouble with it. I remember opening the blinds one day when he went to work, as I really needed to, and forgetting to close them when he got home from work. I was scolded like a small child, and felt like I couldn’t breath. Every day after that I was becoming ‘more paranoid’ as to making sure the place was dark, not having any blinds open, for fear of inevitable abuse. So running around frantically shutting windows and blinds sent me into a deep trauma.
Once I had found your website and started doing some work on myself and building boundaries, (while still living with him) I decided to one day leave a blind open and also decided to leave it that way, not fearing what his reaction would be. It was not harming his stuff, as it was filtered light. I knew I deserved to live and have daylight in my home. Even though he would get really angry and verbally abuse me, I was not as fearful of him (he was only a man after all) and so I stood my ground. Of course he found another way to ‘punish me’ in ways that were even more mind bending, but I continued to stand my ground.
In the end the darkness was getting darker and I saw a light through the darkness that in the end I wanted more, so found the courage to leave. I do know I would have died, if I didn’t leave at the moment I did. I suffered from SAD syndrome (a chronic condition from Vit D deficiency and I was fearful of going outside often from developing agoraphobia.
The light is brighter now for me thankfully (both inside me and on the outside) and there is nothing more real than being authentic with self and living the way you choose to live, in the light, away from the depths of darkness. Night time should be kept for night time and day time for light.
I often stand still now outside and close my eyes and look up into the light above me, feeling it’s warmth and energy fill me with healing love, light, freedom and peace.
Great Article Mel and much love. xxx
Hi Jac,
I’ve missed you too…
There has been so VERY powerful and big energy shifts going on – which are ONLY going to continue now…
Truly everyone at this time is faced with transforming any unhealed parts now – and there are many many people at the moment deeply dedicated to inner healing so that they can let go of fear and pain and really be ‘delivered’ into this new blissful and Divine energy…
So I am not surpised you have been doing some deep healing 🙂
Jeepers the darkness and light was very literal for you!
How, how gorgeous that you can stand outside and feel the light within and without.
I love starting my day with all parts of my being releasing any residue fear and paina nd totally connecting to the love an dlight of ‘life’ and my Soul…
I LOVE yoga for this practice too (on conjunction with QFH of course!) – to expand out and be receptive and a distributor of light.
I know you love yoga too!
Keep up the great work Jac 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Melanie
I wondered if you can help me. Is this normal? I went through a horrible time with my ex-partner who I lived with for 6 years. From what I can see seems to exactly fit the bill of the narcissistic sociopath compared to the other forms of narcissism. My life was a roller-coaster of emotional abuse and I found constant evidence of cheating and inappropriate texts and emails to ex girlfriends. I was told to go, to come back, excluded from things, invited to others, lied to continually. I lost all my savings in supporting his business and paying our rent etc when things were bad. After a few years he began to get physically abusive although this just happened twice…once he stamped on my stomach then stood over me with a belt, and the next time he tried to break my nose but I managed to barricade myself in the toilet. These incidents were because I had questioned some texts I had seen late at night to other women. He would be charming for a bit but it never lasted long then horrible when his face would change. It was always put downs and cruel things meant to make me feel worthless although when we first met he had gone on and on about how intelligent, pretty, charming etc I was. When he wanted anything or needed help he reverted to being the charming person I had first met. I constantly felt confused, anxious and insecure. It constantly felt like he was in competition with me and seemed to hate it if people liked me, while acting charming to my friends. The whole thing was awful and like a nightmare.
The end of the relationship came in a very confused way and to this day I have no idea of what happened. He simply went out, sent a text saying that things around him were going badly and that he needed time and space to find solutions xxx. The consequence of this was that I was left in a foreign country with no money and no way home. Neighbours did a collection at church and put money under my door. They were all lovely. He refused to answer texts then one day after about a month he begged to meet me but never turned up. I thought I would get answers but as usual it was a game to lure me I guess.
Anyway, I have been home in my own country, Scotland, for the last year. The first week I got back I felt strangely numb. I felt fired up inside to do all everything and achieve as much as I could. During that first week I found a good job and enrolled on a uni distance learning course that would give me the final points I needed to do my Masters (which I had interrupted by going to stay with him in Africa). For the whole year I have been more focussed than I have ever been in my whole life. I work long hours then study till late at night. I have always had low self- esteem which I cover up by acting confident. I am due to leave work and start at a University far from home in September for a year. The problem is that I feel like a mass of bitterness and hatred inside. I even find myself having racist feelings which I never ever had. (He was African ) I know you aren’t meant to feel like a victim and on the surface I am succeeding but inside I hate myself for putting up with things for so long, for crying non stop, for giving up my beloved dogs when he told me I had to choose between him and them, for having been pathetic, for letting people close to me down when all I could think about was trying to keep him happy so that he wouldn’t be nasty. Is this a normal stage…this hatred for the world, including myself?
Hi Elaine,
I have to be really honest with you – I don’t read the stories of ‘he or she did that’…and the reasons are this…
1) All narc abused people have suffered exactly the same sort of things – and our stories are almost identical
2) Focusing on the victimisation is not the way we get better in any shape or form…
Please understand I have a ton of empathy for you – as I am sure anyone who knows your pain has too…and because I DO care about you I do not enable people to stay stuck in the victimisation and the pain – what I do is empower people to heal and break free from this pain from the inside out – because that is the only way we ever get out of this awful cycle of abuse.
Elaine this is how I can help you the most. Direct you to watch my video series that you will find on the welcome page of this blog, and after doing so IF you have had enough and wish to start working at reclaiming your life and healing your Soul genuinely then work with NARP (The narcissistic abuse recovery program)…From watching the videos you will understand that what is happening to you is VERY normal before you have done the inner work to heal.
Mel xo
Thanks Mel, The ‘literal darkness’ was the horrendous addition to the inner darkness I was feeling. I mentioned in a post (lower down) that I stopped listening to music, as I found it too painful and was feeling so much depression that music just made me feel worse. I felt like he had killed me already and didn’t know how to climb out of the darkness I felt inside. The truth is Narcs are darkness and they are just like the ‘Vampire mythology’ where there is no light around them, they cannot be in the light, or they die. Self annihilation-to face their inner selves, would mean death. They drain us from life, as we become so enmeshed with them, so addicted to them, we live in the darkness with them.
Finding you before I had moved out of the space I shared with him was my biggest saviour, as it allowed me to find even just a little bit of me, which was enough to get me free. I set boundaries, which he destroyed any way he could and seemed puzzled when I changed my ways around him, which of course made him worse. I stood my ground and it was all I needed to get away.
Yoga is my drug of choice and my new home awaits me (moving in one week) which is full of light, love, peace and exactly where I need to be. This place was a stepping stone and a gift for me to find the right place for me. It worked out here exactly as it was meant to, so thankful to the energy, good and bad which guided me in the right direction.
It happens that the new place was found for me from someone I barely know, but felt a connection to her, when I first began my journey here.
Amazing laws of attraction. xx
You are welcome Jac,
Isn’t it beautiful when you break through the music thing!
I have Enya on right now – and it moves me in my core Inner Being…coupled with the smell of my beautiful Lemongrass candle burning as I work.
Divine…
I am so pleased you got through this block – Big Yay!
I agree the darkness feels like it has permeated every part of your being – and just gets worse and worse – and there is a lot of work to dispel it from your mind, body, emotions and spirit… breaking away is imperative to do that…because ‘life’ and ‘light’ are not synonymous with narcissists…
Any ‘life’ and ‘light’ gets sucked into a black hole.
Yoga truly has now become a compelete way of being for me (as well as regular QFH), and daily walks…it is such a beautiful way to live.
That is so exciting that you have your new place lined up – I know it will be a divine nest for you filled with love and light.
Isn’t it so divine how when we line up within ourself the Universe absolutely brings us all that we want and need?
I LOVE the simplicity of Law of Attraction, and how it operates when we get our Inner Being right 🙂
Mel xo
Very excited re new home. I used to have candles which were thrown out as ‘he’ didn’t like them. Before I lived with him, I would always like to have one burning with essential oils and nice music playing in the background while I worked. Life wasn’t life with the man I chose and now that I am getting my life back, it is more apparent just how toxic it was living with a disordered man and it is a death sentence if one is to stay. Now that I know the truth, I can’t imagine ever being with someone like him again, or even how I could have hung on for so long and kept playing out the false life for so long. The inner healing really does wake us up and I was amazed at how different my life was then, how different I was.
I hope you are enjoying your new home and your little kitty is loving it too. It is really divine when we can just be in the moment, be present with our loved one, or ones, animals or people around us and it is peaceful, calm and simple. It was always like that when I had my kitty with me years ago, before she died and I knew I had made a big mistake when I took the step over the threashold of my new life (or pending death) into a narcissistic life.
Enjoy your walks, yoga, QFH, life, love, sunshine, warmth, realness, and may your wings continue to unfold also and discover the joys of life. Much love and hugs, Jac xx
Thanks Mel for sharing another
wonderful article.
Your words really resonate with me, especially now I can feel the light and love inside me. Like you mentioned I too would never have evolved to this level without this narcissistic experience. For this i’ll always be thankful to the narc. I listen to my feelings daily and adjust what i’m doing to respond to what i need. My life seems to flow much easier and my old anxious self is barely present.
It’s been a relatively short time of 3 months since the final split from the narc and now I feel like I’m bathing in the light inside me. Of course there are some moments like when the ex narc turned up to my meditation class last week (after no contact for 2 months) this threw me slightly off balance but I feel strong inside that even that couldn’t get to me.
Sending much love to you and all
those on the journey of healing
from the narcissistic experience
xx
Hi Yvette,
you are very welcome, and I am so pleased you enjoyed the article!
This is so beautiful that you are also incredibly grateful for your NA experience and have claimed how personally transformational it is.
You have done a wonderful job in a short amount of time, which is totally possible when you claim the inner healing journey – and that is lovely that you are reaping the benefits of the light.
Thank you for your gorgeous blessings to everyone.
Mel xo
“We feel intense fear and pain and trauma. We are haunted by the past, we don’t know how we can cope in the present, and we are terrified about our future”.
What you said here is how I feel and live. It’s been 15 months now since the D&D and I still suffer. Although I am better than when it happened where my life fell apart, I still cry. I know true happiness is an inside job and I have a life long pattern of looking for it from the outside, as well as looking for approval from the outside, despite my personal accomplishments in my education and career.
I want to break free from the pain, fear, and the triggers that control my emotions. I want him out of my head as he is ever present. I tried to do some of the shifting with your free videos but I must not have done it correctly,or I need more intense guidance.
I appreciate you Mel, your articles, and your compassion for those of us who suffer as you did. I read everything you write. I long for peace of mind and spirit. He is ever present every day this many months later and I want him gone. I am going to move from Maine to the other end of the coast to Florida so I don’t have to see him in the paper ( he is a local police chief) or in the news or drive through his town of jurisdiction on my way to work or see his truck around anymore. I am hoping the distance will speed my recovery, but I know I also need to heal within.
Thank you for all you do. You have talked to me before and I look forward to your insights again.
Hi Lisa,
Please know that 15 months and still being in intense pain does leave room for you to access and work on your inner programs.
The shifts in the videos (it’s important to understand) are not ones that are specific to healing narcissistic abuse (such as the ones in NARP) they are a generic taste of QFHealing.
Lisa, if you are on NARP..you have access to me personally via email to assist, and I am very dedicated to helping everyone on NARP who needs me FIND THE WAY to break free and heal.
NARP has a complete money back guarantee, and even a free trial period – you have nothing to lose and the Real You to gain by trying.
That is your answer – commit at that level to heal…
My post reply to Sharlene above may help you understand why this is so vital if you are still stuck and in the obsession.
Mel xo
I agree with it all !! Wondering though, will I have to wait until I am done with Child Support Payments and court appearances to feel free from my N exwife. She uses the courts as a weapon as I work 2 jobs and struggle with my finances? When will I feel free? Matt
Hi Matt,
No you don’t have to. Your inner being is an unconditional state that you do have power over…it is not reliant on outside circumstances unless you have not done the inner healing to have control over your inner ‘state’.
Are you working with NARP?
When you do the inner work you will feel free, and that has nothing to do with what is or isn’t going on outside you. And ironically when you do the inner work and have the feeling of being free before anything changes in your life THEN the outer will all fall into place with you.
That is the only way it ever does….
Mel xo
Hi Melanie
This message resonates deeply within myself, as I have now reached that point of being curious and in control of my inner self, and only just: The deep painful introspection preceding this has been debilitating, and in total took 12 months, the whole period since I left my husband. In this time, I have been driven to learn about the power of choice, Divine Justice, quantum mechanics and healing, and have learnt to acknowledge my true feelings and give it a space. Your wisdom has been a great help, you are a lovely soul and spirit: Thank you for all that you are doing to help others. God bless you.
Lisa xo
Hi Lisa,
I am so pleased this message resonated with you.
Yes, it can feel truly debilitating, but we can understand this is how we GROW – that is what growth is all about the – yin and the yang – and using the pain for what it was always intended to be – to ‘hear it’ and go to and find our unhealed parts and transform them into our True Self function on these issues.
If we self-avoid that pain and keep looking ‘outwards’ to manage it – we never get free of it, and we certainly do not get to experience the gloroius joy of feeling and being of Who We Really Are.
That is fantastic that you are well on your journey of ‘self’.
You are so welcome, and love and blessings to you too!
Mel xo
hi mel,
i just recently signed up for narp and as of this moment currently downloading the file, although im having a bit of trouble since it doesnt seem to be compatible with the device im using. I do hope that it would help me find the light and battle the darkness that is slowly consuming my life. the pain, agony and torment that is my constant companion this past months is tearing me apart inside out. i know how it feels when you said that you came back from the dead, because everyday feels like dying. i truly hope that with working with narp i find my peace and light.
Hi Tess,
if you are struggling with the download, please email the lovely Ashleeat [email protected] and she will step you through it.
Yes, my love really engaging in NARP will help you immensely – it has worked for so many people already who are smack bang in the ink of the pain…
Please also know – that you can contact me whilst working NARP directly (as per the link you have been provided) to assist you and tweak whatever is necessary to get your most powerful healing results.
Mel xo
Am finally falling in love with a beautiful emerging girl called Rachel!
I have to be gentle with her through it all….She has been battered and scarred by life but she is healing and emerging day by day…When she slips i pick her up, support her and encourage her to keep going…Am finally falling in true love with this girl Rachel!
Thank you Melanie Tonia Evans!
Blessings!
Hi Rachel,
I always love this when someone is hugging and pouring love and acceptance into their inner child!
I bet she is soaking it up!
Mel xo
When you write that the feeling of black ink running through the veins is how Ns feel without supply I feel compassion.
And I also feel devasted that so much pain exists, it’s been said that we cannot be truly free until everyone one of us is free cause we are all one.
Have you got any thoughts on this
Blessings on our journeys out of the hell realms
Sx
Hi Sara,
pain exists – as a necessary polar opposite – just like night and day – and yin and yang…
People would not powerfully find their True Self often without being exposed to the pain…
I beleive that as a Soul energy there is no pain – there is only Love…but we all chose to experience ‘choice’ and ‘contrast’ in order to consciously create.
When we return to Soul Energy (spirit) we will know 100% the truth again – there is only Love and wellbeing – all of the other stuff – the pain and fear is simply illusions that have been created that have separated us from our Inner Being and Source…(which of course we aren’t – we just live the illusion that we are)…
At the Oneness level we are ALREADY Love and free of Pain (all of US without exception) – so therefore there is nothing to fix, there is only the ‘losing’ of pain and fear and the claiming of light and love to do…
And ALL you need to do is take personal responsibility for that journey and then allow others to make any choice they decide for themself.
Then YOU become ‘heaven on earth’ and from where you stand you will inspire others to do the same, simply because your light is glowing brightly – but in NO way does your state of being ‘heaven on earth’ depend on what they do or do not choose to do…
Mel xo
Great article… I cherish every sign of my inner strength growing and becoming brighter & more alive. Today I got an email from my ex…very minor. For a second I felt sad as my mind reminisced of the excitement of a ” loving” email popping up when we were together… but then I thought I do jot need that or all it attached to to feel loved & had no desire to answer in any way, as I KNEW it was not my path & would dishonor ME. That felt good.
Hi Elle,
I am so glad you liked the article!
Fantastic that you were able to not respond…truly block the ability to receive any email – and then you will feel even more free.
Anything connected to narcissism is Not Your Reality!
Mel xo
Mel thanks for sharing your thoughts today and reminding me of the nothing I owe the Narc and the everything I owe myself. For reminding me that instead of trying to turn his darkness into light I need to focus on keeping my own sunlamp switched on. Helping someone worth helping for a change—myself. It’s been a hard climb out of this black suffocating labyrinth after so many years wasted groping in the dark after someone who was more lost than me. Now finally I am starting my days in the light. He is a stranger damned to run forever round and round in the darkness of his own making. His life his choice. Nothing more to do with mine. Thank you for reminding me that there is just one stranger worth getting to know after so many years and that is me. Guess you have to have lived the dark to really appreciate the light. It’s a nice feeling. Feels warm Mel. Feels good. May we all look forward to days and days of light. Love Jeff
Hi Jeff,
you are very welcome…
Yes we cannot ever turn darkness into light by focusing on darkness…
We are truly here to be and focus on light, and we do have the wonderful ability by doing so to shine the light on every part of ourself that requires it…
We are co-operative in this journey of becoming light – and it is so much more special, joyous and fun to work with co-operative components.
When you get that right within yourself you will start seeing more co-operative components emerging everywhere – effortlessly!
Keep up your glorious journey Jeff and love to you too 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
find your articles very learningfull, when I’m reading and going through your articles I feel the strengh to stand up for myself but as soon as I get home everything disapears and I become this sorry suzie again because the fear I have for him. I have 2 beautiful daughters and know because of them I have to put my foot down and “GET OUT”.
If you have any South African contacts please let me know.
René
Hi Ren,
are you doing the inner work? – that is what makes the powerful difference.
Mind information can give you a boost but it is not working directly on your subconscious programming (inner unhealed wounds) and that is why you are not ‘shifting’ permanently and merely temporarily ‘managing’….
There are South Africans ladies – who are incredible in the NARC facebook Group – who have made wonderful progress, who will tell you exactly the same thing – ‘do the inner work’ – because that is precisely how they are recovering and moving forward…
You can take that step – and then everything will start getting easier and more empowering for you..but we have to do the work…
Mel xo
It’s wonderful Melanie, how your blogs have perfectly coincided with my journey to hell and back (twice!) and now towards the light as it comes rushing in. Everything in life happens for a reason. Perhaps we are human angels all poised to help each other when we need it most. It gives me great hope that the universe is unfolding as it should be. You’ve helped me see that we have a higher purpose, that there is no need for fear, just to have confidence in love, light and positivity.
Hi Peter,
I am so glad you are feeling ‘the light’.
Yes I beleive we are angels, that is our Oneness and Soul connection and we are never, never alone when we open up to healing and assistance…our Souls set it up like that…all we need to do is be open to it.
Bless 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you for this article Mel. I have just come home from work on an especially stormy day and am very glad to have my lovely cozy home to return to. As I am reflecting on this article, I am aware that many changes have occurred and are still occurring daily in my life. It has now been 5 weeks since I have had any contact with my ex-N. I was feeling extremely scared to think that I may encounter him in some places that we both frequent. Interestingly, three times now I have noticed him but had not feelings about him one way or the other. His behaviour on two of those occasions was designed to impact on me, but strangely, I felt nothing. I think I have finally learned that my life has to be about me and my purpose at all times. If anything or anyone comes into my life and does not reflect who I truly am or reflect what is loving, kind, safe, nurturing and important to me, then it has to go. I am living in my integrity. I have realised that when I was with my ex-N, it was all about him and not about anything that felt good to me and I was starving. He couldn’t possibly be there for me in the way I desired. There was nowhere that the relationship could work. I was very unhappy and unable to let go, until I found the impetus to do so. Five weeks later, I still feel a bit fragile and weepy at times; shaky too. On the positive side, my home is peaceful and I am calling the shots. I went on a date last Friday and it felt strange. This man felt like he was coming on too strong. After I went home, I realised that I had felt uncomfortable and tense in his presence. Several emails later, I realised that he was building a fantasy around me that was not hearing or seeing me. I terminated contact and do not feel one bit sorry. The same thing has happened with other men too. Something does not feel right and I am stopping everything then and there. I am only doing things and going places that feel right and comfortable for me and am saying ‘No’ a lot. I am also realising that as I heal myself, the right man can come into my life and I don’t have to change a thing about me. I can thank my ex-N for all this new behaviour that has nothing to do with anyone except me and my life. I am creating my life from the inside out. It is peaceful, I am feeling a lot more loving about the little ones I teach, my home feels safe and secure once more and the only people in my life are safe and nurturing and really care about and accept me for who I am. I can relax, knowing that everything that is mine will come to me as a reflection of who I am and I do not have to do anything externally except stay true to me and my integrity. So I am feeling like I can breathe easily and joyously and simply be fully me. Thank you for helping me on this journey.
Hi Suzanne,
This is wonderful that you have been able to reach such a place of empowered detachment in such a short period of time…
Fantastic solid inner alignment with your worth and truth…brilliant 🙂
It is normal that you are still feeling tears and pain, and truly it is about releasing those parts, allowing the grieving and release and loving your Inner Being through that process. The more and more you release whilst fully loving and accepting yourself the more and more space you open up for light to enter your Soul from Source.
I love this that you realise you are worth loving and you are totally acceptable just ‘for you’.
As I read and feel you in this post – I know 100% you have ‘got it’ – you have discovered the truth as to what genuine ‘In-love’ really is – and from this place of emotional authenticity absolutely you will create a true spiritual soul love partnership.
Thank you for your glorious post, and you are SO welcome. It was such a beautiful post to read.
Mel xo
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I had some tears in my eyes as I read your response. I am amazed at how much grief has been released over the past weeks. In the last few weeks of my relationship with the ex-N, I got really scared because I felt as if I was dying inside and was beginning to feel totally immobilised and as if I was going to be unable to function. That was sooooooo scary to me. After the split, I became very aware that I had created this fantasy/split between the person who was actually in my life and home and the one I hoped would be. It is so amazing to have the realisation, that I am hanging onto, that I MUST LIVE IN MY INTEGRITY AT ALL TIMES! This is my protection from all N who may appear in my life. If I stay in my integrity, there is no place for any N to place his attractive hooks. They are all carrots designed to reach into those places within me where I have desires that they offer to fulfil (all empty promises because the power lies with them). I have noticed that when I respond to their advances with who I am in my integrity and what I am prepared to do with them, they disappear pretty smartly. I am also noticing that many of the cons are designed to get me to give energy in their direction with nothing much coming my way. They couch their invitations in such positive tones. Amazing that I never saw all that before. I am my best protection, guide and lover of my inner child. I do not need someone on the outside of me to do that. I can do it best for me. I have, over many years worked hard to create a good life for myself and have a great job where I am permanent, a good support network, a home that I almost own in my own right that I purchased with my own funds and I do not need anyone to provide me with anything that I cannot provide for myself. It is somewhat dangerous I think to put myself in the hands of another person where I become dependent on him/her. I am so glad that my life is valuable and that I can find what is necessary for my life and don’t have to wait for it to come from the outside. It is all within.LIVE IN MY OWN INTEGRITY! That is the key lol.
Hi Suzanne,
you are so welcome…absolutely 🙂
It is great you have been releasing and getting clear.
Most definitely living in integrity is a massive key – the other is finding and transforming the defunct inner programs (unhealed parts) that have made us susceptible and accommodating to abuse.
The combination of the two is the TOTAL recipe for authentic love and wellbeing. Because combined they create a vibration of living with an open heart in love, expansion and ‘possibilities’ (attracting in the great stuff) with the great personal integrity to navigate and make wonderful choices with whatever ‘appears’.
Integrity with remaining inner fear and pain still means ‘limitation’, as well as having to fend off the attraction of what you fear..
I hope this makes sense.
Mel xo
Thanks Mel. It all makes sense and I am still working to release old patterns with the kinesiologist. Obviously, even though I am living in my integrity, there may still be some unhealed areas that I do not know about. I am sure that they will come to light because if they are there, I intend to weed them out. I think that if there are people who I am having to fend off, means that all of who I am and all of what I deserve, is still a work in progress. I am being vigilant though. Thank you so much. I have ‘got it’ but I still have more clearing out to do and I think this is what you are saying; I am not quite there yet, but getting closer all the time.
Hi Suzanne again!
That is great that you are working with a kinesiologist…
Yes, keep clearing out…
And all you need to do in order to understand ‘what’ it is that you are cleaning out is go inwards each and every time you are aware of ‘negative emotion’.
Negative emotion is always your subconscious communicating to you that you are not aligned on ‘that topic’ with your Inner Being (The Source Divine part of you)…
Our negative emotion is ALWAYS the signal.
So you can take note, and when you have time sit with your journal, go to that negative emotion, deeply feel into it and open up in it and ask ‘what is this about?’…
The illusion is that it has something to do with something ‘on the outside’…the truth is it never does – the outside triggered it, but it is ALWAYS to do with ourself – something on ‘the inside’.
Then you will have the EXACT information to take to your kinesiologist as to what you need to clear – and / or you could look at NARP which grants you the direct ways to access the pathway I have just written about – as well as the process to clear and transform the exact unhealed parts you locate.
That is the most direct way to find and directly work through your stuff – and to know EXACTLY what you need to clear out.
Mel xo
LOL. I am doing the NARP programme and I have all the mp3’s and listen to them. Thank you so much for providing them at the cost that makes it so affordable. I do understand about going into the negative emotion but I didn’t quite get the alignment part before. Thanks for the insight Mel. I think it means that when I feel peaceful and happy like I am tonight (just having eaten delicious Indian food, several cups of tea, am sitting here in my lounge room watching a movie and getting my bike ready to ride tomorrow etc.) then that means that my life is how it should be for me; in alignment with my deepest and truest loving self. When I feel negative feelings like I almost always did with my ex-N, then that shows that I am not in alignment with who I really am. Think it means to only go where I have the loving, peaceful feelings as much as possible and if I am somewhere where I experience the negative feelings, then that shows me to keep away or shows me an area of my life that is not healed yet. Well, the good thing is that I do stay with the negative feelings and journal about them and explore them and listen to QFH. I have a new appointment in the morning with the kinesiologist. I always tell her to let my body tell her where it wants to work and we get to the next wounded place. I also tell her all the negative feelings and situations that have come up in the week. She works on it all. I am feeling so empowered and relaxed apart from the residual sadness and pain; just to know that I am lovable just because ‘I am’ and have to do nothing other than to live my authentic life each moment.That is such a delicious thought. What is mine will come to me in its own good time. Live in my integrity and heal the pain = the ability to create a wonderful and fulfilling life. Yay! Thanks Mel.
Once again Melanie, the words spoken from your heart resonated with mine. It is so true that if we don’t dig deep and get totally real with ourselves about how our own inner emptiness not only attracts but sustains these dark connections, we will never get free. I am an ongoing work in progress but I can say without a doubt I’ve laid to rest a lot of the ways the “old me” would handle a lot of situations. I realize my deep fear of rejection and low self worth brought me to the brink of emotional and soul destruction. But in the midst of all that darkness I got real and faced some hard truths about who I was. I was very much about vengeance and pay back and having to seek justice if I felt rejected or hurt. But I have learned to be less reactive and allow the universe and karma to have its say. As a result, in my ten months of no contact I’ve become more at peace, forgiving and feel a healthier sense of compassion for myself and others. From nearly being unable to get out of bed and function, I have decided to pursue a new career path, and at the age of 43 have purchased my own home completely on my own for myself and my four children. I am often told I have this “glow” and my energy does draw people to me in more authentic ways. I’ve accepted that I am an empath, it is a blessing in fact. But the wisdom I’ve gained won’t allow my empathic nature to be misguided and abused. I honestly thought you were a little crazy when I first heard you say you are greatful for your narc experience. But I “get it” now. It has and is propelling me to challenge and believe in myself in ways I never thought were possible. The experience has shown me who I really am and I realize my worth a little more each and every day. And without this trauma I would have continued to coast along in a pseudo life in auto repeat mode and never realized the journey all starts within. God bless you for your work and your beautiful spirit Melanie.
Hi Casey,
I am so glad this article resonated with you.
Awww wow this is such an incredible transition you have made, in healing your unhealed parts – vengeance is absolutely the reaction of a triggered scared part that can and does only ultimately bring destruction to the person acting it out…
Absolutely the Laws of Life play out for everyone. Fear and pain and unhealed wounds simply create more pain and repeat cycles – for everyone – period…there is nothing we ever need to do re ‘payback’…everyone is living out ‘payback’ unconditionally as a direct relationship with life. No-one escapes that Law.
All we ever needed to do was attend to our Inner Being.
It is so wonderful now that you see this was your wound to heal (amongst others)..
It warms my heart so much to read about your journey – and your gorgeous transformation as a result of taking full responsibility to go within.
God bless you too Casey 🙂
Mel xo
Melanie, how beautifully you have written of your journey and I feel so honored that you have shared it with us.
All of us here walk beside you, at different paces;
across time and space.
We are all walking Home with you.
Yearning to know, beginning to know, or knowing where Home is.
And feeling the simplicity and belonging it brings.
As Jeff said, the warmth of it.
Simple because we always were the Light.
Always will be .
Knowing again that we are connected to all Life.
The stars, the Moon, the trees, the animals, each other, those still in pain and darkness, we are all one.
Pain and fear creates such intense feelings of being alone, being lost and alone….
Returning to our inner connection, we feel we are not alone.
Once we leave behind our Victim identity , there is no need , no place for judgement, anger at ourselves or others.
We understand we co created our experiences with others afflicted with personality disorders.
We therefore no longer need to see ourselves as superior to our partners or parents who suffer NPD.
When we no longer need to identify as victims, we no longer need to label the others as perpetrators.
Or refer to them as ” NARCS “.
Or our Ex NARCS.
nor, of course, do we need to share our lives with them or attempt to “heal”them.
In our own healing, we do not need to label and call others by their disability or mental disorder.
As we evolve now as a global community we no longer dream of using words that were common when I was growing up to label people.
Such as those used to refer to a persons skin color, religion or Ethnicity or sexual identity.
When I was a child, people who were intellectually challenged were called ” Retards”.
Offensive ? Yes , I apologise.
But any more offensive than referring to people with a mental /personality dysfunction as a ” Narc” .?
No, I don’t think so.
We don’t refer to people as Co Dependents , Bi Polars, Schizos , or my ex Aspergers, my ex Histrionic etc
This is not to minimize the damage and pain that occurs as a result of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
As you know Melanie, I was exposed to NPD since I was a very young child .
However, once we do know that we co created our experiences and we also know that individuals themselves do not choose to develop Narcissitic Personality Disorder; we also know in Truth and in Spirit, we are all one.
We know that we are neither superior or inferior to any other person or being.
This is another blessing of returning to our inner Light. We accept and honor all other beings ; not just as our equals, but as part of us, part of the Whole of Life.
In this Home, all are unconditionally loved by Source.
Love to you Melanie and Angel Blessings to everyone here.
Hi Val,
I am so pleased I get to share my heart and my journey…
It is total win / win! Thank you for your beautiful words.
That is so true that connection to our Inner Being is the simplicity, it is the dropping of the ego – and simply returning to our natural connected state – unfortunately the human experience brought in so many illusions and complications that separated us from this…
This is SO, SO very true – that we are all ONE – all beings of Soul Oneness, it is simply that personalities as a result of fear and pain took on different roles, yet at their essence are PURE LOVE.
I agree that it would be wonderful to drop all labels for everyone – yet that is a quantum leap and the journey (as you stated the stages) would not be embarked upon by those feeling victimised without getting answers as to ‘why’ that person did what they did…at this point ‘because this person suffers from narcissism’ grants powerful answers to begin the journey of coming ‘home to self’.
Hopefully one day on this planet we will be collectively evolved enough to see the truth – that none of us are any better than others and at our essence we are all ONE…
Absolutely at personality level narcissists did not choose to be narcissists, they were victims of abuse who felt so powerless that they submerged and detached from their Inner Being and created a False Self as protection in its place.
The entire human race and lack of Inner Being education and focus on external power seeking (egoic gratification) is responsible for narcissism being bred and taking place, and it is spawning generation to generation…
Absolutely when we raise our vibration we can have compassion for all beings (including narcissists) who are in the agony of being disconnected from their Inner Being and trying desperately to escape the pain through personality defence mechanisms.
Co-dependents do the same…
It is true that until we honour all Beings with love (which doesn’t mean trying to change them or fix them), we cannot fully claim ourself, because we ARE the Oneness.
Magnificent post Val.
For you Melanie, with love and gratitude:
Truth is here
Inspiration is here
Love is here
Peace is here
Help is here
God is here
Joy is here
Because you are….
(from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo)
Hi Val,
A tear in my eye of Joy and Love…
My heart connectes to yours in Love and Oneness.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie
This is the most beautiful article I have ever read. Thank you for pouring your Soul out to us all.
I am working through my dark and had got to a point where I thought it would never end. The thought came to me the other day that it’s always darkest before the dawn and the title of your article grabbed my attention!
It was just what I needed.
Thank you again.
Blessings to you.
Sue
Hi Sue,
it is so true the very darkest time is just before the dawn…
It is through the darkness that we transmute.
Each and every time if we are doing ‘inner-sight’ and shifting ourselves deeply from within it is the greatest of fears and pain that grant the greatest catapults of evolution, liberation and freedom.
And each and every time we get to see ourselves, life and others through new and more loving eyes.
We truly are incredible beings!
Mel xo
Hi. I was going to ask you how one can emotionally detach from a narc while still living with him. I am not sure I can much longer. He does not see his responsibility in the relationship nor does he respect my heart. His narcissistic supply comes from his so called friends and I am the threat to that supply because I pointed out truths. He would rather live in a surface world to keep up appearances rather than honor me and my soul. And so this marriage is over. But there is a lot of money at stake and I hate to be peniless at 55. Your thoughts?
Hi Roseanne,
he does not attend to your pain firstly because he is a narcissist and secondly because he is not responsible for it.
This is one of the most powerful lessons of narcissistic abuse is that we have to claim that we are in fact the only person who is responsible for our own emotional alignment and our own wellbeing.
We actually have no power and no right to try to force another human being to provide it. It is only when we take that responsibility that we can attract and create a life of ‘more of the same’ from the outside (other people).
In answer to your first question – yes there are people who have worked on their healing whilst initially still being in the relationship.
In regard to your second question – your answer will come from this question – What do you value the most for yourself in life…your personal Inner and spiritual growth, authentic happiness and connectedness to genuine feelings of wellbeing OR material items and money?
It’s a tough question for many people…until they embrace self-worth and self-value and know that the outside can never authentically grant that. It can only ever ‘add’ to that…but no matter what we may have on the outside it is all empty without being authentic on the inside, and wonderful fullness authentically can be achieved regardless of what is on the outside.
Mel xo
This so resonated with me. I separated from my Narc 11 months ago. The first 8 months were literally hell. But as I worked through the NARP I was able to identify, release and heal all my fears and insecurities and I began to recognize the gift… and I began to get better. One day I woke up and realized that I was better.. completely healed and renewed. I look different, I feel different and my life in these last 3 months has taken a direction I would never have thought possible.
I feel I am literally living in the light, I look back at my time with the Narc and it seems so dark compared to now. I feel free and at peace now and my life is full of joy.. and I am so grateful for this experience.. and to you Melanie for showing me the way. Bless you darling girl xxxx
Hi Carolyn,
I am so glad this resonated with you.
That is wonderful that you have achieved the shifts and the release as a result of using NARP…I am so happy for you 🙂
Bless you too darling lady and you are SO welcome 🙂
Mel xo
I cannot see my coment here. It is lost as always 🙂 Neve mind xxx
I will post it again.
Melanie,
I need to ask you. I travel on the spiritual. It is so confused between light and dark. Oh my lord. No escape i think.
Hi Sharlene,
I have answered your question in detail in a post up above – where your original post went.
Mel xo
You have encourged me so much and I have had good support. You are so right what a dark place. I kept trying to figure him out. Wrong you can’t they are lost they can’t find themseleves. I am finding me and I am strong. I have read everything on the subject but now I am reading a book Co-Dependent NO MOre. Thank you these articiles are so good. It takes pain to create life.
Hi Emily,
This is so true it is not about figuring them out – it is about figuring ourself out!
Yes growth does usually come through pain – we are not inspired to reach for it otherwise…we were content to just accept ‘standard’ inner being..
Aren’t we blessed that we can go for so much more?
Mel xo
Wonderful article, thank you Melanie! It gives me more hope and inspiration to keep moving on and know that I’ll get to that dawn too. Many many thanks and blessings!
Hi Angela,
Yay, I am so glad you are inspired…
‘In the light’ is the life you (and everyone) was born to live..
Mel xo
Yes, exactly; it is very crucial to have a load of tissue boxes available while working with the NARP, haha! 😀
:LOVE:
Hi NMSD,
yes I have used them en masse!!!
Absolutely!
Love back 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you so much for your honesty.I have recently came into the light after years in the darkness.I know there is still some pain and fear to let go, as it was like I had a massive pile up, but I now know I can do it!
Hi Lesley,
You are very welcome…
That is wonderful you know you can do it…and that is your Inner Being saying ‘YES!’…it knows this powerfully 🙂
Mel xo
I feel the deep sting of the dark, it’s like a piercing in my soul with so much confusion that surrounds it. I confused what I hate with my being darkness, as I also confused being angry with my being bad, and they are not the same thing. Surprise! I thought being kind and forgiving was being loving, before I had given myself the chance to fully feel my anger and hate for what others had done. This produced a premature forgiveness. I did not know love has boundaries, and it is right to protest, to be angry and remove myself when the boundaries of real love are crossed…..hard to do when you don’t know what love is in the first place.
That has been my biggest darkness, idol, because, bottom line, I was afraid of being left. Ironic, I left my self to stay.
The most pain is for what it cost my wonderful kids. There is so much grief and forgiveness to be released still. My daughters have drawn nearer to me as I have been estranged from their father. I feel like I am reparenting them, repairing, and recreating something new, and thank God, they want that, and trust me, and are open. I feel hope. As I get stronger, I go deeper, a bit at a time. I think if I had to face it all at once, I would need to be bed ridden! The truth sets me free as the light shines upon it.
Thank you for your beauty and vulnerability and choices to pursue the light.
Hi Ruth,
Please read the post I replied Sharlene about above – it will explain to you ‘what’ your confusion really is…
When we do the work on our Inner Being we start aligning with genuine love and kindness, which always is about the responsibility to our emotional alignment first – ironically this also allows us to love in healthy ways…such as “NO’..being the NO longer enabling another to abuse. (If we allow others to abuse this is a form of abuse).
Healthy boundaries are total win / win to self, others and life.
In regard to your children, when you stop repairing, fixing and feeling guilt and anguish over what they been through, and work on your own healing (take full personal responsibility for your Inner Being) and start seeing their Inner Beings as a knowing that they already have incredible inner wisdom and capabilities (why as parents do we see our children so powerless when they have got SO much more effective Inner Beings than we do????) then everyone including your children will start to effortlessly heal…
Truly!
You need to do this and experience this to really understand how powerful this is.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Love you Mel but I don’t believe I owe my narcissist any “gratitude” for anything. I was already on a healing journey dealing with my agoraphobia when our relationship began. I spent a year prior to dating the narcissist exploring my inner hurt following the ending of a tumultuous 25 year marriage.
The narcissist tricked me into believing he was some one he was not. His friends and family helped “guide” me into the victim role portraying him as a giving, mistreated and generous man. I am guilty of falling for the fantasy they all presented. I am grateful to you, the fellow victims and my shrink for guiding me through this ordeal. But not him. I feel sorry for him that he chose to destroy his soul rather than choose light and love to overcome his pain. He is nothing more than a shark swimming through dark waters and feeding off of any victim in his path.
Hi M,
I love you too – and because I do I’m going to be straight with you.
Energetic Law is Energetic Law and it is unconditional – it gives us ‘more’ of what we are vibrating at.
You began a relationship with agoraphobia as a result of trauma…that was your vibration – therefore there was always a strong possibility of being an attraction force of someone who was going to grant you ‘more’ agoraphobia.
The narcissist did what every narcissist does pretends to be someone who you want to hook up supply – every narcissist does this!
Regardless of all of this you saw warning signs, you felt them and like all of us your dismissed them and took other ‘outside’ information rather than being connected to the trusting and listening to of your Inner Being. And then when things got HORRIBLE and point blank OBVIOUS you still did not align with your Inner Being. I promise you I am not judging you – I am simply stating ‘what is’..and I did THIS too!!!
Now please tell me how is any of that about ‘him’…he was only a catalyst showing you your healing journey with SELF – because no-one else is responsible for caretaking that. Your emotions and your vibration (inner state) are yours, and when we look to the outside for someone else to be responsible for that we are always going to risk getting into VERY hot water.
Now if you remain a victim to ‘it was his responsibility to treat me better, and his fault he didn’t’…where does that leave you? Back in the same boat and cycle.
Yes feel sorry for him because his cycle will continue. Now what are you going to do about yours?
Mel xo
Mel,
I tried to save her, my partner of 8 years and wife of four.She lied cheated and really badly emotionally abused me and made terrible comments about my children, she tried to have me arrested for trying to save our marriage and I eventually discovered she had NPD, without a doubt. I explained what it was and gave her two books, she met me and discussed the illness and agreed that she nust have it, she agreed to see a specialist and then like a woman possessed unleashed weeks of emotional abuse lies and deciept with such venom. You letters help, I am in early stages and can now do no contact. I am no weakling, I work as a Police officer dealing with domestic violence and child abuse, I am 6ft 4 and weigh over 16 stone.My soon to be ex wife is 5ft 2 and weighs about 7 stone but almost destroyed me. Keep up the great work. Mike
Hi Mike,
I hear you – and yes trying to change, fix or save someone who is not willing to take responsibility for themself is ALWAYS a sure-fire recipe for self-destruction.
In fact we never have any power to change or fix anyone, we only ever have the power to live through our own truth authentically.
Her reaction was the only one she could do – she actually had no choice. The False Self has taken over, there is no inner resources to be able to face and deal with the inner wounds.
The False Self was literally fighting against the threat of emotional annihilation once ‘cornered’ and had to keep itself in place no matter what.
Because you were the person who threatened her with ‘death of the ego’ (confronting the inner wounds) you were the person threatening her emotional annihilation and therefore had to be ‘severely punished’.
Mike it’s irrelevant how big and strong you are to get through this – the greatest courage any human being can ever display is the facing of their own inner wounds.
This is a greater challenge than you combating criminals or even having a gun held to your head…
That is the journey that now beckons you to be free of the agony you have been through and the possibility of ever re-creating it again.
Mel xo
Beautiful. Thank you.
Hi Janis,
thank you too for your post 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you for your continued inspiration, Mel. NPD abuse was my normal for 25 years. It has taken 3 years to recover and now I am rebuilding; something I never thought possible. I am in awe of your work. Thank you for your gift.
Hi Jan,
you are very welcome.
Keep up the great work, and the claiming of your Light 🙂
Hugs!
Mel xo
Thank you for this and thank you for sharing the message that all this pain and struggle has a purpose and that purpose is clothed in love and freedom…God Bless You…I think all of us on this journey once having read this realizes that this is what we desired and were looking for all along and that the universe merely used these beings and circumstances as a mode of bringing us to our own transformation. I am truly grateful and full of hope for the first time in a very very long time. Love…Peace…Joy!
Hi Belinda,
your words warm my heart…
Yes you have ‘got it’! There is nothing more beautiful than our own transformation ‘back home’ and from this place life IS authentic!
Totally Divine 🙂
Mel xo
Your right. It takes determined commitment to rise up through the fear and pain and hopelessness. It’s not enough to feel I have finally healed from the narcissistic experience. That is still a victim position. The real joy is understanding exactly what you meant by our journey has been perfect and the narcissistic relationship was perhaps the culminating experience to crack me open and begin the journey to the “light”. It is a knowing of the incredible lightness of being. Once you begin to feel it, it is an attraction to an irresistible force. It grows more quickly by the day.
So I honor you for assisting me in this remarkable discovery of true freedom: freedom from attachments and neediness. Fact is, once we get there, we don’t need a guru to guide us along the path. We only need to go inward to find all the answers that are right for each of us.
Hi David,
thank you for your post..
That is so beautiful that you are choosing to embrace and live in that irresistible force.
That is SO true, the ONLY guru is EVER our own Inner Being.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Thank you. I have done so much healing, and continue daily. I thirst for information, love learning, and my awareness to self, and others, has been so enlightening, that it’s been shedding friendships that havn’t served me, where I’m now saying NO! instead of giving! I am at this stage where I feel so alone, and to top it off, my darling adult children are now living overseas, and I miss them so much. I miss their energy, and the hugs. I guess I can say that their love is what keeps me going, and has done for all the years of been in Narc relationships. The last one was a cruel nightmare, yet I thank him, as he brought me to your site! Hell where has my life gone!i know I shouldn’t feel lonely, but do. Where I live there is nothing that interest me, but I study, and yet love my independce, and enjoy my own company. I don’t need a cluster of people around me, as I have this happen in my every day job, in the health sector. I would like to know if this feeling is normal? I know Spirit, and Angels surround me with love, yet I’m so alone. I’m happy at work because it’s busy, but once I get into my car to come home, I don’t want to be there.
Hi Gayle,
you are welcome.
Okay so you have released the old people in your life – and now you know you are lonely – so it is time to start manifesting the new, and have this as a balance with enjoying your home and your own company…
Okay you say you enjoy your own company – but is that only if you are ‘doing’ something?
The reason I ask this is there is a need for you to feel okay at home by yourself, ‘being’ and feeling warm and loved whilst doing so (within yourself).
Your home is an extension of you – and here are some ideas to assist you to feel whole at home (this is first step before getting out there with new people)….
Make it an environment of love and nuture. Is your home environment uncluttered and does it feels ‘healthy’ ‘clean’ and ‘supportive’? Have flowers, candles burning, nice smells, and uplifting music (I love all of these things daily)…have lovely long baths with candles and oils…cook yourself healthy meals.
Love yourself abundantly in this space.
You may want to consider getting a yoga DVD and doing yoga at home, and setting up a space to do that – that is another favourite of mine, and a practice I adhere to every morning…
It makes a huge difference when you truly love yourself at home.
If you have resistance to doing this for yourself then you really need to go inwards and find and clear this resistance.
If you can’t love you at home, and create a loving environment that reflects your intentions for life – how will you create ‘more’.
The truth is you can’t.
Then once you have got your home energy flowing for you, you can start opening up to creating loving connections with others.
When you are vibrating at love and emotional authenticity then you can…again if you feel resistance to ‘getting out there’ go deeply inwards and clear your blocks, so that you can….
Then you will be astounded at how many people come into your life that you will say Yes to – and start socialising in wonderfully fulfilling ways.
The truth is relatiosnhips with narcissists are incredibly co-dependent and engulfing – not only do we lose ourself, but we lose so much of our connection to ‘life’ because the narcissist became the ‘centre of our universe’ and ceratinly not for healthy reasons…
We need to work hard at gaining ourself back and then being the true being of light who connects out into life gloriously without fear, knowing we can be authentic and trust ourselves.
In fact for many of us our recovery was a grand journy into TRULY being connected to life healthily for the first time in our life…
All of this is Who your Inner Being really is, Self-Love, Sharing and Connection of this love – so all you have to do is do the work to get ‘you’ (your fear, pain and resistance) out of the way.
Make sure you make LOVE happen incredibly between you and your home first.
I hope this helps…
Mel xo
Hi Gayle and Mel,
Wonderful advice for the home and it is really what I am looking forward to doing in my new place (moving in next week) is to buy some nice candles, have a nice bath, enjoy my love for music again (I didn’t listen to music for 3 years when in the narc relationship, as I couldn’t feel anything) and adopt a beautiful cat to share my space with. The glorious garden will bring me flowers to enjoy and the lovely home grown veggies to nourish the body.
Gayle, yoga is a very powerful and wonderful way to connect to self. It’s uplifting, cleans out the bad energy and tension, relaxes the nerves, stabilises the whole body and mind to be able to connect to self in ways other methods of exercise can’t. It is a combination of meditation and exercise. I often do Quanta Healing while working with my yoga and that is an amazingly powerful way to clear the junk from ones body, mind and soul.
Thanks Mel, this really is something to look forward to and creating a home is a wonderful discovery of self. Living alone is to me, a blissful experience and have always lived alone, preferring it for my own reasons. The space one can create is full of possibilities and it really is rewarding. I sometimes just sit and be in the moment, as just ‘being’ is powerful in itself. I turn off all distractions, the phone, tv etc and just sit with my eyes closed and enjoy feeling the energy around me.
So Gayle, enjoy being with just you and I hope you will soon feel excited to just be with yourself, in your home, created by you.
much love xx
Caterpillar today, Butterfly tomorrow…
Don’t loose hope, as you never know what tomorrow will bring…
I love the transition from caterpillar to butterfly and it is the process of growing from being cocooned in darkness, to emerge into light, in the colours of the rainbow, free to explore and grow in peace.
I feel like the butterfly that has found her way out and my soul with all it’s bright colours is learning to carry me high and far beyond the distant hills, oceans and into the divine space of life.
We can all be born again, and spread our beautiful wings to wherever we desire.
The journey is beginning for all of us, who know.
(((hug))) love and lots of colour and light. xxx
Hi Jac,
gorgeous – so true…
Life is always opening up to us – when we open up in joy to it…
This is Divine what you have written. I so love watching your beautiful colours sparkle and your wings unfold…
Mel xo
Dearest Melanie. Gosh that has made me feel so good. Thank you. I am 64yrs young, and can honestly say I have suffered emotional pain as a child. I can say that My eldest sister had told me that as a child whenever she brushed my hair, she would hit me on the back of my head with the brush until I cried.I have looked back often and she was always pulling me in all directions, within the rest of my siblings, controlling my life, and really saw who she was four years ago, by abusing my trust, making me feel responsible for her unhappiness and health, My son and I gave her money to help out her circumstances, but she was living better than I was! I had a business then, yet after making sure she followed up Drs Appointments etc, doing what she wanted me to do, she would sit me down and tell me how all my sisters thought I had the problems! I saw through her, and the money doesn’t matter, but I had to get away! Melanie, I can see where it all began, I have done your healings for every emotion that came up, and yes, she’s in it, boots and all! No wonder I have been in turmoil all my life, attracting this horrible Narc stuff! Melanie, I can see while I’m writing this, and tears flowing that I know where it came from, and I see her smiling while I’m up a high tree scared that I’m going to get the belt, and she’s bringing me down the tree for the punishment! Oh my God, she’s there all the time!!!!! My life was dictated from her! My Mum, she destroyed, my Dad, she persecuted to all my siblings, but I always stuck up for my Dad. On Anzac Day, I went to his grave, and upon pulling up I saw where his jar had no flowers in, yet my sisters only put them in Mums. I sat there and cried. She has turned all my siblings away from him. She did this for years to the point that they would physically attack him. I would be screaming at them to stop hitting him. He was at the best of times abused, yet He and I seemed the odd ones out.Melanie, I have nothing to do with my siblings, as was branded the sick one years ago, and I’m hurting so much now, as it’s not true. You all know what it’s like been married to a Narc, seeing and feeling the cruel events, inflammation of joints, hospitals, etc etc. I don’t know what love is to feel, except I know how to love, and I can walk in others shoes. I have never had a response such as yours tonight, and I was waiting to see if anyone could hear me, and YOU did. I feel so blessed and special that you cared about my question, and you knew what I needed to do Melanie. I can’t thank you enough, and yes I always spend my time at home working relentlessly, and always have done to exhaustion! I will start to spoil myself, my music I loved feels like its not mine, as it was taken over as theirs. All my precious items of when I was a child were discarded, things I treasured of no value to anyone, all gone. My memories always came at a cost. I can say I’m strong in my faith, and beliefs, and I am going to give myself permission to grant myself peace, and to keep the sun shinning in my heart centre. I promise to grant myself a holiday, a real holiday, the first one in my whole life. While reading your reply Melanie, I have had another huge shift, and I can see so clearly now, and I am going to be in that place where you now are. God Bless You, I’m so grateful for the answer you gave me tonight. I told my children, a couple of weeks ago, how I was coming home, not to their faces, but in an email, and I know they are proud of me, but I want them to see the real me, their Mum, so happy and alive. xoxo
Hi Gayle,
I am so glad that could fill your heart with warmth, hope and love…
Gayle from what you have written re your sister (and it is totally understandable) you need to heal – deeply within…
This has so much to do with how you are presently feeling…
Have you looked at NARP – you are ready to go that inner healing journey truly…
Then my love, truly – you will see – everything will start to fall into place.
Mel xo
Prayer that was answered ” Mansukh Patel
I asked for strength
Life gave me difficulties to make me strong
I asked for wisdom
Life gave me problems to learn to solve
I asked for prosperity
Life gave me reason and strength to work
I asked for courage
Life gave me dangers to overcome
I asked for love
Life gave me people to help
I asked for favors
Life gave me opportunities
I received nothing I asked
I received everything I needed
Love Jac xxoo
Love this…thank you!
Hi Dubs,
I am so glad you did 🙂
You are so welcome!
Mel xo
Jac,
this is so true..
When we realise that the most important and ‘special’ thing we ever wanted to experience was our own personal growth – we stop the blame, shame and regret – and we embark upon our growth…and we are incredibly grateful for ‘what happened’ – the opportunities that life and our soul co-created in order to present them.
Then not only do we get the ‘growth’, we get to experience true In-Love which is the product of our personality aligning with our Soul…
Everything else is only ‘add ons’ to that (and inevitably starts flowing) – however the ‘needing’ of these things pale in significance.
We realise they were never what we were actually seeking…
Mel xo
Melanie! Thank you for your continuing inspiration. Everyone who posts here teaches me something. I read recently that every event gives us the opportunity to observe and compare how the ego and the higher self handle things. I find that if I remember to pay attention, there is always a moment of choice between these directions. Many times I have found it comfortable to live in the ego, but truthfully, thanks to my adventure in Narc-ville, I am now so much more willing to listen to my soul. Just as you have said, when I shifted enough of my inner wounds the outer world changed and changed in such glorious ways that I could never have predicted. I am now living a life free of so many fears. I no longer worry about money, or my looks,or finding love, or what might happen next week. Instead, I feel that I live in a loving and supportive universe where I am cared for by a divine power. A fine man and many new friends have come into my life. Because I am part of all that is, I know I deserve to both receive and give the best of everything. “Bad” stuff still happens, of course, but now I see everything differently. Every event is an opportunity. Every moment is perfect. I can learn. I can grow. I can open my heart to myself and the whole world. There really are no limits. Love to all.
Hi EJ,
you are so welcome.
That is SO true that without exception if we are living consciously we see that everything in life is an opportnity to grow, to align more with our Soul – or to release our ego…
I do a little exercise in the morning where while walking along the beach I view every human being as a ‘Soul’…I become aware of every judgement my egoic mind tries to make about ‘the person’ – release it and purposely connect my energy to ‘seeing’ their Soul.
I have had some of the most beautiful experiences and conversations whilst walking as a result of this…It’s an exercise I thoroughly recommend – being aware of how many judgements of superiority / inferiority (seperation / competition) our ego can make in one day – and consciously releasing them in order to practice the In-love state of Oneness..
Because this is where true peace and bliss is.
I am adoring reading your post – I know how much work you have been doing shifting your Inner Being with QFH and the results are becoming very evident…
You haev realised the key – that when you shift on ‘the inside’ that ‘the outside’ follows – as an exact match.
You have not only come home to yourself – but you are now partnering with Source – which IS the greater part of the non-physical you.
‘Coming home’ automatically creates this connection. Then big YES your world starts filling with the people and the situations that please you and bring ‘more of you’.
The non-physical part of ourself (Source) always wanted to provide that – when we could get the fear, pain, separation and defence mechanisms of our personality out of the way…which is exactly what you have done.
So correct the ‘bad’ is always not ‘bad’…it is simply more growth opportunity with a golden nugget gift within it each and every time – which we can only recognise if we are living through our Soul and not our ego..
Fantastic job – and bless you for your post.
Mel xo
Melanie, This is a first post for me, but this recent article inspired me to respond.
FIrst, thank you for the 10-step program that I have been receiving by e-mail. I had considered myself well along the path of healing by more traditional therapy, but your methods have hit some important gaps that needed to be filled.
I was inspired by the initial sentences in your article that you are in a location where past severe abuse occurred, but despite that, you are able to emerge with such a message of peace and serenity. I was with my late husband for 30 years. After learning about his disorders, I finally resolved to leave for good. He shot and killed himself in our house the day he got the letter that I was ending the marriage. I was in hiding and notified him by letter because the numerous suicide threats had me alert to my own safety. I still have the house and property, but am temporarily living away from there. The location brings up difficult memories, and I was almost ready to believe those triggers would always be there. Your ability to create such an amazing post in a location of past abuse confounds but inspires me. You give me motivation to continue with the work on myself so that I too can feel peace and light in that setting of former pain and suffering. Thank you.
Hi Ali,
You are very welcome…
My goodness you absolutely went through a horrific ordeal…and it is totally understandable that you have extreme triggers.
I know you have been pursuing the 10 steps, but you may not have been doing the actual QFH processes in NARP. That takes it to a whole deeper and ‘other’ level.
That level grants you the ability to release the trauma directly out of your cellular memory – (which is within your subconscious)..that is how I overcome my trauma and triggers which (although I can’t compare them with yours) were immense for me.
Maliscious abuse by proxy was my trauma (amongst other things) and without QFH I know I would not be where I am now with it – which is clean and clear.
This is how I cleared and overcame my first narcissist trauma as well, and continue to live in the same town for years after – originally it was cripplingly agarophobic and CTSD complicated for me.
So the answer is NO it is not a life sentence – if you work on yourself at this very deep level you DO have the potential to break free completely from the triggers and body memory of the trauma.
Mel xo
So beautiful. Thanks Melanie. I am on this path and it is a wonderful feeling to be peeling off the darkness. Beautiful post and I never understood what it meant before to really do this work but I do now. X
Hi Monique,
It is so beautiful to have you as a fellow traveller on this path!
I know you understand…
Mel xo
Thank-you Melanie, as usual your articles reach out to me just when I need them the most. Hugs x
Hi Nicola-Jane,
you are so welcome, and I am so pleased it came to you at the right time.
Mel xo
Dear Mel
Everything you say makes total sense to me. After after years of counselling,therapies to every degree and thousands of pounds spent on it I’m no further forward, so I would like to try one of your methods as a last ditch attempt! However there are a lots to choose from and already owning upteen self help books I was wondering if you might suggest just one product to help take me from the dark to the light. Apart from being asleep which is my only respite from my symptoms of PTSD and constant difficult situations and difficult and ‘closed’ people whom I always seem attract. Crazy I know but some days suicide does seem appealing to end my daily living fear and crippling anxiety which has now cauased IBS. Love Naomi x
Hi Naomi,
NARP (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Programme) is the most direct way to heal your inner self. The programme helped save my life and if you read many of the other posts and the ‘TESTIMONIALS’ page, you will see how much it has helped us. Melanie will agree, I have no doubt.
It can be found on this page in the column towards the top. If you are wanting to heal and get free of the pain, then I can assure you, this will be your biggest gift to yourself. I didn’t think I could be helped as my personal pain started from the age of 2, but wow! was I wrong!
XO Jac
Thanks Jo
Hi Naomi,
yes absolutely 100% NARP is your key…as it is for anyone wanting to deeply heal and get free from the torment of narcissistic abuse.
And I know you have tried so much – so have many, many other people. You can see the testimonies in NARP and Galeet Allen’s story…NARP was her last ‘roll of the dice’.
Also you have a complete money back guarantee with NARP – so there is no risk to you with this roll of the dice.
Mel xo
Mel thank you for your response, I will take a look.
Naomi x
Hi Mel,
This article is beautiful. I now find that I have been divinely guided to this very place that I am in my life. Approximately 15 years ago, we started on a new spiritual road embracing the light. I have decrees that I say daily and sometimes multiple times within the day. I say that all darkness that comes to me is transmuted by the light that I am. I have been waiting to see/live the full manifestation of the light within me. Your articles, blogs and NARP helped me to realize it was there all along. I kept covering it by trying to make everything right within the darkness. I had to let go of the darkness and live in MY truth. Once I was educated, there was no way I was going to continue to be miserable when I knew I held the key to my own peace, happiness and joy. I believe in myself again, trust my feelings and am so looking forward to the rest of this glorious life. Thank you, thank you, thank you Mel for going through and coming out thriving so that you can share and truly help me and everyone else.
Peace & Love
Hi Julia,
I am so pleased you enjoyed the article.
I am thrilled my material and NARP has granted you the connection to the Light YOU truly are.
I love that you have realised the key was within you all along – it IS for all of us 🙂
Yay – ‘I look forward to the rest of this glorious life’…doesn’t that say it all!!!! What a divine mantra – and it is actually almost word for word one of my statements to that I affirm to amazing music whilst walking in beautiful nature each morning!
You are so welcome – I feel blessed that life and situations offered me the purpose I was always meant to do.
Thank you, thank you, thank you too!!….for your gorgeous post 🙂
Mel xo
Just a wee message!
Thank you everyone who emailed me with well wishes wondering if I had a cold in the last radio show – the radio show connected to this article!
I didn’t!! I had put the sound settings differently on the pre-record and that is what makes me sound like I have a cold!!!
Very funny and bizzare! 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
Thanks so much for this article.
On a basic level I feel enlightened by you and your site. Through you I learned about narcissism and the acceptance that I was never loved by my ex almost immediately stopped the agonising mind bending of trying to make sense of it all.
Prior to meeting my ex I realised that I’d sought difficult relationships with people who’d hurt me. I saw my elder brother tolerate an abusive wife in spite of the intense pain that she caused him and connected all of this to our upbringing and the fact that we’d been taught to live with abuse. But it was only in March that I realised that my mother was a narc too. This was the gift from my ex that I give thanks for.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster since realising mother is a narc, initial elation followed by despair followed by intense anger and stress. I need/want to shift this anger because at times it’s crippled
Hi Janet,
you are so very welcome!
It is true that it is such a profound relief when we stop trying to make sense out of narcissism, and start partnering directly with ourself and life.
It is very understandable that having this realisation in regard to your Mother, has activated the deep inner wounds that are calling out to you for their attention…even though this feels ‘tumultous’ emotionally it is far preferable to leaving them as unconscious to keep playing out in your life.
When you do make it a priority to go to them, embrace them and release / transform these wounds you will gain such relief and empowerment.
It’s time – that is why all of these events and discoveries have happened…
Mel xo
Sorry Mel – bit of a blip there.
I’m struggling with the idea of forgiving my mother and taking responsibility. We were all innocent children. Can you help me get past this block? I’ve done module 3 but can’t seem to shift my negative feelings.
I so want to join you living in the light
I would love to help Janet…
Forgiveness comes when we have healed enough of the inner wounds that are keeping us attached ‘as a victim’…
Keep working the inner pain shifts on other Modules first – and please know there is a Transforming Family Of Origin Wounds release (mini program) coming out very soon…This could help you immensely.
Mel xo
great reading. I have just returned from a weeks holiday alone to find myself, and amongst the nature i felt at peace. I admired the world and people from a different angle and realized I was free. I had always asked the universe for someone normal to share my life with, but have learnt on this journey of Narcissistic abuse that everyone’s idea of normal is different. Its hard to explain how alive I feel now. I am grateful to the narcissist that he came into my life (lucky it was only a year) but I needed that to release me. I have the light on and its a good feeling.
Hi Liz,
Thank you for your lovely post – and it is wonderful that you are being in the light..
Nature is sooo healing and beautiful – and definetely connects us to a gret deeper love, bliss and joy than our mind grants us access to naturally…
Well done 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
Thanks for your replies. Naturally I’m very interested in your forthcoming family wounds modules which is work I know I need to do.
Yesterday I started to work through your self forgiveness e-book. I only did step 1. Loads poured out. I felt drained afterwards and fell asleep. I’m sure this will be a valuable exercise for me.
Your words “it was meant to be” really resonated when I read them yesterday. I know it’s something I’ve heard you say before but yesterday the phrase hit home. It was as if it was standing out of the page like it was magnified or emboldened.
Part of my problem is my logical mind that likes to analyse and understand why things happen. I think acceptance is starting to win the battle over logic. If so that’s a big leap. These words have become powerful for me. it was meant to be is all I need to understand and accept.
Hi Janet,
you are on the right track – this is great….
This is a big problem for everyone – the mind…
We always do SO much better when we live in a “Zen’ way – which is ‘headless’!
Mel xo
Mel,
One of the best articles I ever read.That”s all I need to say!
Best Wishes,Bill
HI Bill,
I am glad you enjoyed the article!
Mel xo
Thank you for your insight. I am so thankful that recently I got a hold of a tool that got to the root of my fear and pain. When my subconscious mind coughed it up, I felt a burst of light shine through the lie I have carried with me most of my life. Now, I am beginning to grasp some of the things you are writing in this post. What else do you recommend to continue the journey?
Hi Cami,
You are very welcome. This is wonderful that you have found a tool to go deep – it makes all the difference.
Of course I am biased – but also because I know how powerfully they work. My Programs NARP first (If you have been narc abused) and then QFHSE Course not only have the tool of QFH (to shift subconsciously) but they also create ‘the pathway and direction’ to heal…all you have to do is follow the instructions and the Programs do it for you.
Mel xo
Blessed Melanie;
You could have blown me over with a feather when I read your post this evening. I was with yet another new spiritual, healing friend last evening and experienced some Emotion Code healing with her; she uses extremely powerful magnets and virtually washes away our energy fields of pain and darkness throughout our Chakras by a fairly simple process of assessment of pain-bodies. Anyway,in the last minutes of our session; she called upon Source/God for healing for my long-time; multiple life wounds and as she approached my heart chakra I exclaimed, “Oh, I feel dark, thick, black ink seeping through and out my veins!” Melanie; your weekly articles have been the only source of salvation for me; the darkness has been like no other; but my journey to the light has been amazing. Although I’m not completely in the total undconditional love of me space quite yet; I’m so close; and only thanks to you blessed woman ,…. how you’ve been able to re-live your own pain, time and time again whilst sharing with all of us your wisdom from it all – truly amazes me and re-affirms the strength in all of powerful goddesses of this earth. I bow to you beautiful sister and wise woman; you’ve helped me more than I can put into words and I anxiously look forward weekly to your next post – which btw; literally always comes at the absolute right moment. My heart has lightened only because of your wisdom and experience; without it I’m not sure if I ever could have begun to climb out of the deep rabbit hole I fell into, Many thanks from my heart – and … the ‘black ink’ analogy less than 24 hours after I exclaimed the same thing only re-affirms the connection we all have in this journey of freedom of ours …. I’m sending you much love and light and enormous, beyond words Thanks, I couldn’t have made it through these past 12 months without you. God sent me your posts – I have no recollection now or when I began receiving them because in the utter depths of my darkness; my memory was totally gone; I believe because I spent every waking moment desparately hanging on to what was left of me after the unbelievable emotional and verbal abuse ….. my heart was stabbed so many times; so many ways; over and over again. Your words; your wisdom has kept me in my own check and continues daily to remind me of the brilliant, beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. I’m still walking towards it; but close every day. Bless you healer,bless you:)
Hi Mary Lou,
thank you for your gorgeous post – and for ‘seeing’ me…as I can ‘see’ you 🙂
How wonderful that you have access to a tool that can heal and shift from darkness into light at a deep cellular level that bypasses the egoic mind struggle – because that is precisely what our entire evolution journey is about.
I am so thrilled we are co-creating this journey togather – and that we have connected via my material!
Fortunately I have been able to work on my belief systems enough to do what I do here whilst keeping my vibration in the light – and it is something that I do protect very seriously – as my total life reality and creation is about being fear and pain free, and filled with love, gratitude, joy and abundance instead 🙂
Bless you too divine woman of light, and thank you from the bottom of my heart with love – for your post.
Mel xo
Love you Melanie; you’re my rock …. beautiful words spirit sister, keep sending me and all of us your Light and Wisdom. I so fluctuate from powerful to weak; grounded to shaken – still. I find more and more so every day; I must surround myself in the light of spirit and God and constantly cleanse myself from the (still)impeding darkness – I realize it’s all within ‘me’; however, it’s still present at times; especially those times when I ‘so’ remember the love I know was true – at that moment.
Amazing thing has started to happen though; I’ve become engulfed by women experiencing the same experiences … at least half dozen in the past 2-3 months; we’ve all become friends. I find I’m able to talk (through your wisdom) with them about our ‘own-ership’ issues of self and the NPD/Empath perfect storm …. it’s so enlightening. Although; I still struggle with being able to wash and cleanse myself of their vibes …. it exhausts me beyond words at times – my reminder of both boundaries and nurturing myself first and always; keeping the strength within before giving it all away.
But Melanie; I have beautiful, powerful women-healer friends who truly believe and experience that they no longer ‘need’ to protect their light and believe our roles are to elevate high enough and maintain that spirit; that we can shine strongly through it all; even the darkest of dark. Do you agree with that? These women have ‘not’ experienced NPD by the way; but are beautiful, light souls.
Sending ever love to you, Ml
Hi Mary Lou,
This state of being ‘in and out’…truly you should be able to shift the deeper pain. Are you using NARP – so that you don’t have to be in repeat with the unhealed parts…? Truly there is an easier way than the way you are trying to heal….
Yes, there are many, many healer types and empaths that are bright neon lights to narcs, and these are the ones that are not anchored in their true deservedness, boundaries and power and are still stuck in deep subconscious self-sacrifice programs (to just touch the tip of the iceberg)…
You are struggling because you are not reachiong the direct inner programs in your subconscious. Once you do the journey opens up to profound breakthroughs, rather then the breakdowns being in repeat…then of course there is no need for exhaustion and continued inner battles…
I hope that makes sense?
These women have not experienced NPD because their journey did not require it. They already had deservedness and boundaries sorted…hence why the lesson was not needed…
It is much easier for these people to hold their light because the subconscious pain bodies are not as heavy, terrorised or eveident…therefore it is much easier for them to focus on being ‘light’ because the cognitive decision is much more easily accepted by the subconscious (which is 95% responsible for our entire life)…
For abused individuals with intense fear, pain and survival inner programs activated – to just be ‘light’ is an idea that the body (subconscious) will adamantly reject – it wants to hang on to the defence mechanisms instead as ‘protection’ (the fear and pain) and hence why we need a tool to go deep into the subconscious to shift out that fear, pain and trauma – and then we can MUCH more easily match up with the direction of ‘the light’.
That is what QFH in NARP does…
Sending much love to you too MAry Lou, and truly for your relief I hope you do take this journey inwards direct to those unhealed parts in your subconscious (NARP locates them and shifts them) – and then you will see…
Mel xo
Another great article, Melanie. So many things in my emotional life experience are coming into focus. All the years I have spent hating and condemning myself for hurting and struggling so bad! My little self really just needed comfort, understanding and lots of love, and all I gave her was rejection – and more pain!
So, after having completed the 1-3rd NARP healing modules, here’s the sweetest and most beautiful changes I am seeing in myself. Instead of spending the day beating myself up for still struggling through painful triggers, for still missing him, etc., NOW what I do is to out-loud talk kindly and compassionately to myself.
I’m BLESSING instead of CURSING those painful feelings and re-assuring myself that I’ve come such a long way, that it’s understandable that I’m hurting, that I’m safe now, that I love myself, and many other affirmations.
I’ll tell you…I feel a night and day difference inside. I feel like I am truly on my way.
Hope is being born, and I feel glimpses of joy, fullness and the “old Patti” coming back and the “new Patti” emerging! (I guess they are the same thing!!)
Between your insightful articles and NARP and drawing close to God, I am greatly encouraged.
Thanks again SO much!
Dear Melanie,
I just wanted you to know that this article changed my life. However, this is where I get stuck: The part that you did say was the hardest, taking the focus off the narcissist and onto ourselves. Now, as you have stated in your youtube videos, we are experiencing peptide addiction that is causing us to keep going back for more without us even consciously realizing it. At the same time, we are in this situation (well me personally) because of our lack of self love and low self esteem (targets for NA). So to break this highly addictive cycle by switching the focus to something I clearly don’t think highly of (myself) seems impossible. Do we use NARP for this and nothing else? I almost feel like if the shift of focus went from the narcissist to lets say, a fun vacation spot, I almost feel like now that I could possibly do since there is so much to look forward to and think about. How do I get to the level where switching the focus to heal myself is better than a vacation and furthermore, triumphs the emotional and psychological addiction to the narcissist? Thank you for everything .. U saved my life!
Christine
Hi Christine,
that is lovely that this article had such an impact with you….
Ok so what you need to understand is that when you start working on yourself energetically (with NARP) then you start releasing your pain, fear, and less than beliefs about yourself. So the benefits are two fold and intricately interwoven. You are focused on yourself – and cleaning up your insecurities at the same time. We decide to work on ourself Christine when we can clearly see that the old pattern is not working and we are sick and tired or dying being stuck as the Old Self.
When we do start working on ourself we start to healand gain empowerment. As we release the junk out our bodies our brain literally rewires to reflect the ‘new body’ and therefore it gets easier and easier to think and feel healthier – and quickly as a result of doing the inner shifts.
And all the time we are focused on us and the inner work the addiction gets less and less and becomes eventually non-existent.
What other option is there – if we want a better life?
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
I cannot tell from this article — did you leave the narcissist or stay?