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This is a topic I have never written specifically about.

Most definitely we know that breakups and breakdowns with narcissists hurt our hearts profoundly.

When we understand so much more about our own evolution, and the transformational process of growing and healing, we can start to know that the journey of life is primarily through our heart.

At first, opening our heart can feel terrifying. We feel unsafe and vulnerable, and the thought of being hurt again can bring up an enormous amount of pain.



However, something I’ve realised in my own recovery is this – learning to open my heart again has been vital to being the person I want to be and building the life I want to live.

In this article I explore why it’s important to open our heart. I also cover what needs to be done before we decide to open our heart, and how to start opening your heart safely and authentically.

 

What is the Truth About Our Heart?

There is a saying, which once upon a time, I really couldn’t understand. Since being orientated in Thriver Recovery it now resonates with me powerfully.

It goes like this, “When our heart is smashed open it is able to hold more love”.

In my own case, as well as so many others, I really do believe this was one of the most powerful truths as to why our narcissistic abuse experience happened.

There are now studies done on ‘Heart Math’ which assert that there is intelligence in the heart – a literal awareness that is independent of the brain, and that the heart is sending many more messages to the brain, than the brain is sending to the heart.

Many of us believed that our head is leading our heart logically. I now deeply understand that when trying to formulate my life logically, I was not partnering myself, I was ignoring my emotions, my intuition and my Inner Being, and I certainly was not loving and supporting myself. In fact I was really hard on myself.

I often ignored or told my emotions to ‘shut up’, and simply did my own logical thing, the way my ego believed things should work out.

But really, these mind strategies are defences trying to protect our heart – rather than knowing what it is to work with our heart, and generate life through that centre.

 

The Greatest Heartbreak

Naturally, when we have been heartbroken by a narcissist, everything that we believed our life to be is smashed to pieces.

We had not realised at this point that we had ‘pinned’ our life on this person. We had believed that this person was the source of our good feelings, of our flourishing, and that our life was totally dependent on what this person was or wasn’t doing in order to ‘give’ us our life.

These are all functions and strategies and defences in our mind. This leads to handing our power over, and putting the wellbeing and wholeness of our life in the hands of another person.

Naturally when people don’t live up to the expectations to fulfil our own heart, our heart feels smashed to pieces.

We weren’t a solid source of love and fullness to ourselves unconditionally – which means being non-dependent on what other people are or aren’t doing. If our hearts were independently full of love, then we would not be devastated and heartbroken when someone else is not granting us healthy love.

Not being devastated, doesn’t means we are unloving and uncaring – it means we are in life ‘being’ love – rather than trying to ‘get’ love in order to ‘be’ it.

When we are ripped apart in narcissistic relationships, we did not realise at this point that we were trying to love another or get them to love us, in order for our own hearts to be full of love. We had not realised that we actually can never ‘get’ love – that we have to ‘be’ love – and that is only possible when we can fully open our hearts to ourselves.

The greatest heartbreak truly is the abandoning of our own heart.

 

The Pain in Our Heart

Healing the pain in our heart begins with knowing that the attending to of the health of our heart is our job.

When we were young we may have had our heart broken. We may have had role models who didn’t demonstrate love and acceptance to us. They may have applied conditional love, or punishment, and we may have unknowingly taken on the beliefs, ‘You will never be good enough to love’.

Thus, we weren’t in life with our hearts open, healthy and safe – we had already erected walls around our heart.

By not having our hearts open to ourselves, and by not giving and receiving love between our conscious self and Inner Being as healthy self-support, self-encouragement and self-emotional devotion (self-soothing), we had to try to seek validation, love and comfort from outside of ourselves, to try to ease our pain of being separated from ourselves.

We carried the inner wounds and false beliefs in our heart centre of: ‘You will only love me if I appease you (conditional love)’, and, ‘If I really love you, I’m vulnerable, and you may hurt me’, and ‘I’m not loveable as I am, therefore I have to be someone else in order for you to love me’, and so many more.

When we carry these false beliefs in our heart, we already have defences. This means that rather than love through the truth of our inherent worthiness and fullness, we became maladaptive – we tried to get love safely by using strategies such as people pleasing, the righteous indignation of lecturing and prescribing (one of my previous personal favourites!)  “I would never do what you do to me! How can you do that to me?!”

We didn’t realise that our ‘mind strategies’ were futile to help us when we were simply attracting more of our painful belief systems – all to break our heart open beyond our defences so that we could let go of these faulty beliefs.

 

The Defences in Our Mind Which Close Our Heart

Our mind loves to convince us, “Of course I have these fears, because that is what I have experienced”, yet it is powerless to stay in this orientation, because the truth is we are generating life as the source of our own experience.

When we remain unconscious we don’t ‘get’ that is the truth.

From this place of unconsciousness, and the carrying of wounds in our heart, we fruitlessly want other people to come and prove to us that the beliefs, ‘People who love me hurt me’ are false – but this is impossible, because Who We Are Being within our own heart is what we generate – regardless of the logical mask we present to the world.

What this of course means is: the very defences we are using as protection to guard our heart are what traps our wounds within us – the wounds that will emotionally bring us more of what we are trying to defend ourselves against.

When we have defences in our mind, it closes off our heart. We have decided it is not safe to have it open.

Naturally, our closing down of the heart tactic is completely understandable – we are terrified of getting hurt again. This is a necessary tactic if you are still in the vicinity of an abuser, and you don’t want to be susceptible. You know you are emotionally terrorised, not healthy or empowered yet, and you don’t wish to be emotionally derailed and hooked again.

In such cases, it is very helpful to be in your head – initially.

However, this orientation is not effective long term. Our closed down heart means, “I don’t want to feel the bad feelings”, but the problem is when we numb out to bad feelings, we are not able to feel good feelings either, and we are not able to connect to Life force through our heart – which is the true power to generate joy, peace, bliss and loving miracles.

We can’t expand when our heart is closed, we merely contract and start living the incredibly painful experience of feeling alone, separated and detached from Life force. We become diminished.

So yes, absolutely in the first instance, once you have discovered that you are no longer going to ‘allow your pearls to be smashed by a swine’, you close down, you protect, you shut yourself off from more abuse – but please realise THAT is not what your life has to be indefinitely.

Not only is this a reduced version of what we can live – it is also dangerous.

Our heart, our consciousness wants to open. Our Inner Being and Soul wants to be free to evolve and expand. It goes against the very nature of Creation itself for this not to happen. If we aren’t finding the way to open our hearts safely and powerfully and be free, we can draw into our life people who will help us open our hearts.

Usually not by ‘loving us’. Usually by breaking our hearts, so ferociously that it rips our false defence mechanisms down. We had this experience with the narcissist – and there is no way we want to go through that again.

To avoid more heartbreak we would need to isolate ourselves, and that is certainly not living the life we were born to live.

Naturally there is another solution….

Evolving ourselves past our fear and powerlessness.

 

How to Heal Your Heart

The first step is to pull back and protect your heart. In regard to a narcissistic relationship – No Contact or very strict Modified Contact is essential. Without doing that, and continuing to engage with the narcissist, you are only powerlessly holding him or her responsible for your heart, and of course experiencing more of the devastation of abandoning your own heart.

Then the next step is to commit to your heart – in order to heal your heart.

The only pathway to this is the total recognition of: My Inner Being is the generative source of my experience.

Therefore, there is the requirement to self-reflect, “What are the painful beliefs about myself, others and life that have been breaking my heart?”, and “How have these beliefs caused me to dismiss my truth, not show up authentically and not stand in my deservedness of the love I am, and the love I wish to generate?”

These are some of the inner reflection questions that are necessary to do the work on healing your heart. This is how we become conscious; this is how we break out of the this is happening to me randomly via others trance that renders us so powerless to change our life.

 

Deciding to ‘Just’ Open Up Your Heart

Trying to fling our heart open without having healed our Inner Being is just as self-defeating as it is to indefinitely keep our painful beliefs trapped inside, and shut down and shrink away from life.

Flinging our heart open, without becoming a self-partnering source to ourselves, is akin to ‘giving to get’. “I am loving you with all of the love I have to muster – yet you are NOT reciprocating.”

The reason why someone may not reciprocate and love us, is because no matter how much we play out ‘I love you’, there are still young trapped painful emotions generating our life.

This is when people can be righteous and declare, “I gave you everything – I gave you all of my love, yet you didn’t love me back!” The truth is: if you are not loving and respecting yourself, no matter what you give another , there is no ability to have a relationship of ‘someone loving you’.

People can only treat us identically to how we relate to and feel about ourselves.

Of course, if we ‘love’ someone else with everything we have without loving ourselves, and without waking up for our own unconsciousness – what happens ONLY confirms more of our trapped inner wounds, ‘People I love hurt / reject / leave / abuse me.’

Then, most definitely, we suffer more heartbreak. This is the power of our almighty subconscious – which is the state of our heart (emotions). It generates with life the exact validity of existing belief systems – to the letter.

Naturally, we don’t just suffer the anguish of that present event, we also feel the full force of our previous related wounding,  that we have not yet healed, as it gets ripped up to the surface as well.

I can imagine our Soul, Guides and Higher Self looking down at us saying, “Come on please…How many times do you need your heart broken to go inwards, love and accept yourself and heal your own heart?”

 

The Goal

When we understand our heart’s energy, (something I promise you I didn’t for such a long time) we can understand our true goal is to be in life in the joy, radiance and expansion of life with our heart open.

Not recklessly, but in our own power.

It is so empowering – and yes absolutely scary at first – when we start understanding that the greatest orientation that we can take is healing and opening our heart. Because this is the only way we can connect to ourselves first and then others and Life.

We are not meant to be an island to ourself, we are meant to know ourselves as our Big Self, our radiant connection, spaciousness and expansion into life – sourcing and generating our true existence, which is living a life that reflects the miracle and love that we truly are.

After having the experience of being emotionally devastated and abused, absolutely initially this is terrifying.

The reason it is terrifying is: intuitively we know that if we effort to open our heart, to release the lid of our defences, that the pain is going to rush up to the surface. We somehow know and fear if we open up – we are going to start feeling it.

And that’s right, it is the absolute truth.

We then have two choices…

The first is: we stay shut down and internalise the trauma. Then all of this toxicity trapped inside us makes us sick, we have severe depression, and we run the very real risk of attracting more of what we are trying to defend ourselves against.

We may also, as a result of trying to shut the lid on our emotional pain, start generating illness, even serious ones. And it is a given, whether we like it or not, that these trapped painful emotions are going to generate anxiety, and nervous issues like Complicated-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and agoraphobia. The toxicity that is trapped within us is attacking our Inner Being, and there is no escaping this fact.

This brings us with our second choice, which is: evolving past this trauma.

The only way to evolve is to meet ourselves, it is the meeting of the trapped painful emotions and faulty beliefs that are hurting us, and working at detoxifying our Inner Being and freeing our heart – so that we can open and connect to Life Force – healthily.

 

Opening Up

When I truly, truly realised the important and dire necessity to get my heart open in life, I looked at all sorts of ways in my life to achieve this. I wanted to get the pain out, which was causing me to contract, so that I could open up space in my emotions and heart in order to connect to and expand into Life.

This absolutely meant being with the pain in order to release it. Releasing it in order to be free of it was a must. It’s one thing to open up to fully feel your pain – and another to drown in it. That was never my intention. Feeling it and releasing it was the goal.

Apart from Quanta Freedom Healing, which was / is my main tool to shovel out painful trapped emotions and painful belief systems, I started yoga and Qui Gong – in order to open up my body, my cells and my heart – to release and let go of toxicity and pain.

I remember my first few yoga sessions when I started opening up my body, and focused on deep breathing and opening up my heart.  Everything started to come up. I would do poses crying and breathing through entire sessions determined to keep my body open.

Then I would target what was ‘still there’ after sessions with Quanta Freedom Healing, and each time, more and more openness and space opened up inside me, and incredible relief came.

My short term pain was nothing when measured against my immediate, and especially long term gain.

 

Safety and Authenticity

Whilst you are working through this part of the journey, it is really important to be around safe trustworthy people. Don’t put your heart at risk, until you have had a chance to fully show up for yourself, or before learning to love yourself.

Loving yourself means accepting yourself unconditionally wounds and all, and taking the stand of your dedication to self to heal.

By being this source to yourself, regardless of the trauma you are working through, you have begun to develop the essential foundation of knowing you intend to love, be with and heal yourself, and you will no longer hand your power over trying to get the love that you are not being with yourself.

Then, it is very important to start generating authenticity and emotional honesty with yourself and other people. This means owning our inner painful beliefs, and taking responsibility for them instead of expecting other people to fix them for us, and knowing that our lovableness is not reliant of people thinking we are ‘together’, ‘strong’ or ‘capable’.

The most incredible love you will ever know is unconditional love, the knowing that you are loveable because you exist – warts and all. This has to start with you.

If we are not orientated in this model, we will always have defences, we will never be authentic and we will never be truly loved.

When you are being ‘real’ with people, it is so important to have no expectation of them providing you with anything to validate you. People don’t have to ‘get’ us on order for us to be whole – we need to ‘get’ ourselves in order to be whole. Then people will ‘get’ you in droves. Because they are always granting you who you are being to yourself.

I have beautiful friends and family members, who I shared my inner painful beliefs and defects with. I shared the true me, and allowed them to see me warts and all.

I did this with ONE orientation only – to show up as authentic – not to try to win approval, attention or support. I did this because I knew I needed to love and accept myself just as I was. I discovered when I loved and supported myself, with full acceptance of my own inner wounding, I was also loved genuinely by others.

Naturally, this allowed my heart to open. I was allowed to be ‘damaged’, I was unconditionally accepted, and I was able to simultaneously keep clearing our trapped painful emotions and beliefs, and I was opening up to the wonder of life. My heart blossomed open and start glowing in ways that it never had before.

 

If I Open Up People Will Abuse Me

We believe we have to defend – and that is so not true.

Defending and closing down means we feel unsafe, we don’t believe we can be a healthy generative source to ourselves (or we think our life is randomly delivered by others), and we still have trapped painful emotions that we are defending.

This means we will continue attracting exactly what we are trying to defend ourselves against.

Being in life with an open heart and being authentically radiant, means our light dissolves all darkness. It means we are powerfully living as truth.

A synonym for truth is Love.

Living ‘as Love’ means that we can fully be ourselves without the fear of abandonment, rejection, criticism and punishment.

It means when something feels wrong, we can speak up and ask for clarification. It means we are somatically being our own worthiness, and we can ask for what we need – and if the truth and authenticity that is a match for us is not forthcoming, than we can walk away whole and intact.

No longer are we living by the conditional false human premise “I need you to be a certain way in order for me to feel good about myself.”

Naturally this changes everything. When we are open to fully feeling our feelings, because our heart is open, we start to know the joy of being love, we start being replenished and filled with pure Life-force – we have more energy, we have more vibrancy, we get younger and healthier, and we start to glow.

We heal rapidly – knowing that by fully allowing ourselves to feel our feelings that if something painful comes up for us, we can keep our heart open, rather than stuffing the pain back down, and we can go to this exposed wound, with love and unconditional acceptance.

Then we can help our body release it, so that we break free into a reality that does serve us and bring us incredible joy.

I hope this has helped you understand more about what is going on with your heart – and the journey of healing your heart.

I hope with all of my heart that you will turn inwards to your own…

I look forward to answering your questions and your comments.

 

 

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Commments (57) + Leave a comments

57 thoughts on “Heartbreak And The Narcissist

  1. dear melonie, i have read every email you have sent me. thank you so very much for the loving support you share with us all. yesterday i hit “bottom” yet again with my ex (who i think is a narcissist). i so desperately want to see him again (i have not seen or talked to him for over 3 years). tho we have texted back and forth. through all those years i frequently asked to see him in person and he would ignore my requests every time. finally yesterday he told me there is zero chance we will re-connect. and the reason? he said that we had no chemistry. that made him unhappy and he was never going to change – never open to giving us another chance. ha – i know anyone reading this will say – oh you are better off – move on girl. and, yes i know i must, but i am hurting so very badly. any encouraging words to me would be so appreciated. thank you

    1. Dear c, you seem to be still in the throes of the aftershock of the discard. This is a good time to get rid of the peptide addiction and start with NARP. There is no way a narc will change, even if you hope for that badly. He will not change. Narcs discard, crocodiles bite. You would never stick your hand into a crocodile pit, hoping to stroke it and not get bitten. So why hope for the narc to change. We can only change ourselves, NARP helped me profoundly, today I am so happy, I was in your position 2 years ago. Hope this helps, you go girl!

    2. C, you are loved. You are a beautiful being of the Universe and you are in the perfect stage of your recovery.

  2. the flashbacks came to me again last night after a brief encounter with my ex-N… i am doing modified no contact with both him and my 37 yr old daughter who is an abusive narcissist herself. I am 67 years old and after 44 years of marriage I finally was able to get my ex-N out of my house, but my daughter moved home for 3 weeks to ” help” me. within 2 weeks she was stealing from me, yelling at me, and physically assaulted me and was subsequently arrested. As a result I had her move out. Now I live in peace but am very lonely. My fam is torn asunder. we three share our granddaughter…which is why I have “modified no contact”…therefore i cannot completely heal. My granddaughter is 5 yrs old and my daughter, her mother, is a drug addict. I have to let her live with me about half of the time which brings me into contact with my abusive husband and abusive daughter. They are the only family I have. I am very depressed and lonely. Any suggestions anyone? Is it possible to heal considering I cannot do total no contact? Melanie, uour articles always help me to realize there are lots of peopl who are in a similar situation. Could you do an article on the no contact rule? And on loneliness?

    1. Bless you. Such a life as I am 58 and left my narc husband of 28 yearsand may have hooked up with a narc boyfriend of 7 years. Still trying to figure that out. All I know is this. Your answers will be found in the responses of these others who share their own experiences. You know deep in your heart what you must do. Why? Because you are reaching out. I study Mel’s articles and blogs in great depth. And I realize I’m not alone. I am my own best friend. Nobody loves me like I do. Love being with yourself. And before you bring another into your life, have faith in yourself to allow this happen. Be patient. It takes time. Time is on your side. And I like the person who has taken on yoga. Best way to reach your inner self. That and listening to Melanie. Both work for me!! Have faith in your self, your higher power (mine is God), and keep those you trust close. We are on the same journey.

    2. Sheila, please start with NARP, it is the only way forward, towards the light. I am living, happy and abundant proof!

    3. Hi Shelia,

      I promise you it is NOT true that you can’t completely heal because of your situation.

      Many people in Modified Contact have, when they have addressed their own inner wounding.

      I’d love you also to come into my Webinar – so that you can understand you can claim your true life and heal.

      Shelia no article helps us when we still have powerful subconscious programs keeping us in the game and the trauma – they are supplements only.

      The true work is something so much deeper.

      Here is the webinar signup page

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thankyou-step2.html

      Mel xo

  3. Lovely article! My heart yearns to open, to love without need or fear. I’m facing a big thing today, as I have for several years, which is a physical deformity as the result of cosmetic surgery that didn’t heal well. It forces me to see the bigger picture – connecting with source. I can do this! I don’t need to be “beautiful” on the outside when my energy is full of light and space, unconditional love and acceptance.

    1. Hi Valerie,

      it is indeed glorious when we can live in life open hearted without fear.

      That is what we are all here to achieve.

      You are so right – beauty is within – and it glows magnetically – that is what being truly beautiful is.

      Mel xo

  4. So beautiful – thank you.

    I am learning this- feel the pain, hold myself, keep going back into the divine, and now is freedom and joy. The best is to really feel, and to accept and hold my own inner masculine and feminine energies in balance. Still working with all of this… And yet already now is great joy! WOW!

    (Hey, Mel, I look younger and am all the way alive, I think – maybe for the first time in this life.)

    Love, Val (USA)

  5. Valerie –

    Valerie here 🙂

    Yes, beauty must come from within. For me too – I hit my 50’s, fairly well preserved, but not the blond bombshell in leather mini skirt anymore, plus injury wear and tear here and there. So what. May your radiance illuminate us all with joy and beauty. I’m right there working with you, sister. May we laugh, and love.

    Val (USA)

  6. Thank you for the article. As always, you give us the low down about tough stuff in such a loving way. I’m going to research Qui Gong. I participated in a yoga/tai chi class about a month ago. After that class, all the swirling anxiety in my stomach that I’ve had since high school left my body. It was the same peace I get after prayer and Quanta Freedom. I’m now a new student of yoga.

    1. Hi N. Johnson,

      You are very welcome.

      It is a fine line to walk between helping people face the hard stuff, and lovingly encouraging them to do it! I am so glad this article translated for you.

      One of the nicest things about Qui Gong is the energy and vitality it feeds our being..

      I love it! Enjoy!

      Mel xo

  7. I used to say this a lot: “I gave you everything. I sacrificed everything for you.” ….and now I`m realizing the full extent to which I haven’t been present in my own life. I was nowhere to be seen. QFH has helped me see this through the lens of 3D glasses.

    1. Hi Rozanne,

      it is incredible how unconscious we all were to our blind spots when we were trying to live life through unhealed inner wounds.

      It is so true that when we address ‘what hurts’ and do the inner work – the person we were, who we look back on, is unrecognisable.

      Mel xo

  8. Dear Mel,
    Ohhhhhhh how timely was this article!
    You have ESP!!!!
    Just started the Self Empowered course and looking forward to progressing.
    Big hugs
    xxxxxx

  9. Wonderful message! Your articles have gotten me through a very hard time. It has been two months since I left my N husband of three years and six years together. Since then I have grown so much by what I have read from your e-mails. I live in a new town, I’m in the process of getting a new job, started yoga and bootcamp classes. I feel alive again. Today my N called me to talk on the phone before he signs the divorce papers that I mailed for him to sign and while the phone was ringing I was reading this article. I am so glad that I didn’t answer! And his response via text was that I was ruining our marriage by not talking to him. True to his kind, he never sees the physical and emotional abuse that he inflicted on me as a reason for me to leave. Well, I just wanted to say thank you Melanie! I have referred several people to your website and though you can’t see us, you are making a huge impact on many lives. I’m thirty-one and happy that I get to go on the rest of my life’s journey with so much love and released fear! 🙂

  10. thx mealaie I have been reading your articales for the past 18 months and you have helped me heeps .keep up the great work sam x

  11. Hi Mel,
    I haven’t written for quite some time but thank you for the fantastic article. As usual it came at the exact right right time! But then again; so does everything!
    I decided to resume contact with my NM after more than 15 months of NC because I had a massive breakdown/through??? which resulted in relocating some 400kms away to another town taking my youngest child (17) to live with my daughetr (19) and start a new life.
    I am still not sure if my ex is an N or not but he certainly fits the mould; although I am still very confused and all of the place. I thought I was moving forward by moving some three months ago but truth is that was just the first step in a new journey. I find myself crying many, many times as the feelings come to the surface and it hurts badly but I do know I am healing slowly.
    I realised that nothing would change with my NM but I couldn’t handle it any longer so made contact on he very morning I was leaving town (to say goodbye and apologise for whatever it was I had done wrong- I know didn’t do anything but it made me feel better anyways). I didn’t know what to expect as she had never returned previous attempts at communication before I went NC. Would she close the door in my face, etc? No she didn’t. I was received by a very pleasant woman with open arms until I said I was leaving town in a few hours. Then I became supply once again. Go figure! She tried everything to get me to stay; esp gult trips, helplessness, sadness, etc. I realsied quickly that nothing would ever change but I still felt a weight lift from my shoulders and fly away completely which was liberating and totally amazing. I now have very limited contact with her by phone and keep it very short and sweet although I did have a lovely conversation on her birthday recently. It was fantastic and left me feeling great! I know that I will never change her narcisistic ways and I accept that now but I stayed true to my needs this time around. The 15 mths of NC certainly is why I was able to get to this point.
    Now back to the current dilemna…is my ex an N? I honestly don’t know. I am petrified to let him back into my life because after the honeymoon phase; the relationship seriously turns sour. I’ve been here with him like 8 times in 6 years! My heart/head says stay away and go no contact but head/heart says give him another chance but from a healthy aspect with boundaries in place like I have recently with my mother. BUT I just don’t know…that’s the hard part. Not knowing if I am punishing a man that loves me or just being fooled by a Narc. I always knew I’d have to leave him and relocate for both our sakes (was there just one primary N or in fact 2 Ns in my life)…I want to believe him and give him that opportunity but I am so scared to do. One moment I think he is genuine and the next I am doubtful again. He has started counselling, etc but that BUT is always still there for me…Any suggestions???

    1. HI Dianne,

      the truth is our life is not ‘an outer job’ – wherever we move to – we take ourselves with us.

      Which means our trapped painful emotions are still affecting our life – until we clean them up.

      Another truth is, when we are trying to work out whether or not someone is disordered, we are missing the point…that we have our own wounds generating painful and unsatisfying relationships which have been the very reason why we are experiencing them.

      It actually has nothing to do with ‘them’. We have no power to change them, or turn them into someone who will make us feel whole, safe and loved.

      You have original wounds with your mother which you haven’t healed yet – these are now playing out in adult relationship.

      This may not be what you would like to hear – but life is only going to present you with ‘more of that’ regardless of who you are in relationship with, until you heal you.

      It is the original wounds that are causing you to show up in the way of not backing yourself, laying effective boundaries and tolerating behaviour that I would virtually bet is narcissistic.

      If I am wrong, and he is not a narcissist then you still need to heal you, in order to be a healthy co-operative component of a healthy relationship.

      One thing is for sure, you have no ability to ‘see’ the truth through inner wounds, (they always generate confusion), and it would only be by emancipating yourself emotionally that the clarity would come.

      I hope this helps..

      Mel xo

  12. “Whilst you are working through this part of the journey, it is really important to be around safe trustworthy people.” This has been one of my most difficult challenges. I had 16 years in a marriage to a N plus a childhood in a family that used judgement of others as a way to cover their own inability to be truthful. I imagine we all have similar stories. What is the sign of a safe trustworthy person? How do you know? How long does it take to know if a person is safe? How do you know if the person is safe unless you open yourself up? And maybe most important, how do I, as a recovering co-dependent and narc abuse victim, know when to stop investing in a relationship that has flags like lying?

    1. Hi Karen,

      The first person we need to get a relationship going with, is always ourselves…to be deeply committed to producing that result.

      The truth is you will NEVER know 100%, or ever have a guarantee that someone is safe…

      How can we – we don’t have any control over anything or anyone apart from ourself?

      Simply because we are not ‘them’.

      This means we need to become authentic, we need to love and heal ourselves, back ourselves and show up authentically..

      This is the best way to see if people can meet us on this level – or not..

      The other truth is, if we are not loving and co-partnering ourselves, the people we attract and are attracted to (come together with in life on ANY capacity) will be exactly the people who show us our relationship with ourselves – via their treatment of us.

      There is truly only one place to focus – on development of self.

      Then it actually doesn’t matter who anyone is – we are the generation / manifestation of ‘healthy’ ourselves, and can easily detach without damage if ‘unhealthy’ shows up.

      This is not a ‘logical job’, it is a deep inner development job.

      Mel xo

  13. Hi Melanie, this article came at the perfect time. I am still new and fresh to no contact. I can really feel my emotions now, that guilt, fear, sadness and worry all at the same time. Would you suggest that i stick to just module one for now even though I feel emotions specific to other modules too?
    Even though I made it next to impossible for him to contact me, I am somehow finding myself waiting for him to still find me.

    1. Hi Quinton,

      I am so glad this article was timely for you…

      You are in a crucial period…Yes Module 1 over and over with ‘what hurts the most right now’, and then proceed when you feel the pain, shock and pulls have receded.

      Also deeply feel into – “I am waiting for him to contact” and dig that out by shifting in Module 1, and you will feel relief on that topic.

      I hope this helps.

      Also are you in the NARP Forum gaining support in this time? I would highly suggest that for you.

      Mel xo

  14. I would like to say something to c. my heart goes out to you because of the hurt you are feeling but know this; nothing the narc says is true. And this; the narc always turns the truth into a lie. Therefore, when he mentions no chemistry, it doesn’t mean no chemistry, he would probably jump into bed with you at the drop of a hat but he just wants to say something, anything to hurt you, he knows how to pull your strings and thinks saying this will keep you hanging, make you jump higher and harder..it’s not the chemistry he’s thinking about..it’s the control..he’s hooked on your reaction to what he says. If it produced the same response in you, he would have just as easily said your cooking sucks or I hate you because of your spider phobia but he knows that sort of thing wouldn’t get a response. you’re not dealing with a normal person but an idiot who would end up treating the most beautiful model in the world the same way. give the dick head the flick and come join us. he will eventually destroy himself anyway, don’t go down with him.

  15. Thank you for a great article. Having many thoughts about “how do I recover? How do I keep being “me” but a wiser me, keep my ability to love without becoming a bitter reclusive?!” I am terrified to trust or love again. My ex (15mths separated) is in prison. When he comes out, I do not know how I will manage to distance him from me. He doesnt have boundaries – or conscience – and will be harrassing me for sure. I have divorced him but we have 2 young children. I would prefer never to see him again but this is impractical as the court will ensure his rights as a father. I would appreciate any advice on how to manage “modified contact” (for me) when you have a narcissist who will NOT give up – and how to protect my girls from his emotionally manipulative behaviour. I have resolved never to speak disparagingly about their Dad as it can be damaging, but at the same time I know he will try to use my eldest for attention and hero-worship (when he is NOT worthy of it for sure.) I do not want her hurt any more than she already has been (which is a lot…) How do you instil some protective behaviours in children?? I have girls, but I do understand many men / sons are hurt by this kind of narcissistic abuse by women too. It would be great if you could do an article on this Melanie. THANKYOU so much.

    1. Hi Linnie,

      you are very welcome.

      Linnie, our fear, pain, blocks and anguishes are all to do with the wounds of previous trauma trapped in our bodies.

      It is very hard for our head to manage and change these traumas..and this is why trying to work out ‘how to’ logically is such a battle for so many people trying to recover from N Abuse.

      In regard to managing Modified Contact – good boundaries are essential. Good boundaries can only be enforced energetically (first and foremost) and then practically when we are no longer triggered and derailed emotionally.

      Healing our core wounds is the only way we get to that place, because this calm state is non-dependent on someone changing – it is generated from ourselves changing – and then everything changes.

      Linnie you can only instil solidness and emotional health and powerful boundaries in your children, when you have created this state of being for yourself. You have to heal yourself first and lead the way.

      I have stated this many times, the logical information I can produce for any person is no substitute for them healing their subconscious wounds, because information is only supplementary, it is not transformational healing.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  16. Hi Mel, first time commenting although I’ve been reading your site for more than 6 months. Back in May I finally confronted my narc husband of 14 years about the state of our relationship after requesting many heart 2 hearts talks and him just telling me he didn’t have time or couldn’t “absorb” it right now. I am definitely a people pleaser type and kept all my frustrations and unmet needs tucked away to keep what I thought I had…A lonely but somewhat acceptable marriage. Wow – what a delusion I have been living. So after I confronted him while driving him to his big rig (he works as a long haul trucker) I drop him off and drive off. I feel a surge of empowerment, finally getting to say out loud what I think all the time to the man who turned this happy giving fun loving woman into a confused lost sheep with no backbone or self love. So about 5 days later he calls to say he thought about what i said, admits he has no real feelings and next time he’s home he is moving out, then proceeds to elaborate on how he will accomplish this as if he believes the details will somehow be a comfort. He also told me I said some pretty “shi–y” things to him. Geez-you think? I ask how long he has felt this way (not having any feelings for me) his answer “since 2010”. So many lies and deceptions. Im sure it goes back farther to the very beginning you frickn liar and empty zombie of a man. So my son and grandkids from my first marriage are coming out to visit me end of this month like they normally do each summer, and my soon to be X is going on about how “no matter what happens between us, those kids will always be a part of his life.” and plans to schedule his home time with their visit. what? now he wants to use my grandkids as ns and pretent for one more month that all is normal btw us. Unfortunately, I did ask him to not pack his stuff in front of them because it was their vacation and I didn’t want them to have that memory of grandpa leaving grandma. He agreed (probably cause he wants to keep wearing the facade for more ns) but now I am dreading this whole scenario. I have a good job, great supportive friends and know I can move on eventually. I want to have fun with my family when they visit, but still set up No contact at this time. He still calls me at work to ask questions about paperwork or tell me what a great day he is having. It’s so exhausting and I was crying every night for month after I realized that the man I fell in love with never truly existed. Then I started going to a community swimming pool and swimming laps has really helped the heaviness in my body lift and the ability to peer down the tunnel to my future life and all hope that the pain and sadness will subside. Thank God for your site and the strength and knowledge it’s given me to do what I’ve done so far. I know I still have a lot more work to do on myself and the heartache is far from over. But I know I will emerge from this darkness eventually. Bless you Mel.

    1. Hi Crockie,

      thank you for your post…

      Please understand I actually don’t read the ‘awful story details’ – even though of course I feel for you very much…

      Firstly, because I know narcs virtually all behave the same, and secondly because I know it doesn’t help me or you to do so.

      What does help you is detaching from him and committing to your own healing.

      After six months of being here, it would be a great idea for your healing to look into my free Webinar, so that you can connect to the way to be empowered and break free.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thankyou-step2.html

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  17. Melanie
    Perfect timing! I’ve been relying so much on my logic to try to heal the broken pieces after Narc abuse of 2.5 years and it was not working. Only my emotions- my heart as you wrote- will heal me. It’s true. We live in a society that predominantly values mind over emotion (intuition for example) that we forget where our core really is even though pain reminds us of it all the time. Your article was spot on as you say. To heal the broken heart we have to use the heart. Emotions matter. The energy shifts you facilitate in the NARP modules help heal my emotional state through the Quanta
    freedom healing program. I hope people who are suffering will read your words and open their hearts to heal their hearts. We logically think the pain is in our minds (wrong) it’s in the cells of our being and in our emotions. Thank you for what you wrote. Courage to everyone who is suffering to do NARP. I’m so much more open now, yet I do not feel much of the astounded and painful emotions that were there before. (The process has been so healing to say he least.) Gratefully yours.

    1. Hi Jennifer,

      thank you for your post.

      It is vital as human beings, wanting to heal, that we realise the trauma is not ‘in our mind’ – it is wedged in our bodies, and when we do the work at that level THEN our minds follow.

      I am so pleased NARP has helped you emancipate yourself.

      Mel xo

  18. I love that quote, “do not cast your pearls before swine …”

    I’d never read the Sermon on the Mount til after the narcissist, and it was a real eye-opener to me to find that even Christ didn’t recommend unrestrained largesse! I’d always believed “good” people gave generously and indiscriminately – how big a target do you think that made me!

    1. Hi Lucy.

      it is so, so true that we believed just ‘giving’ and being a ‘good’ person would ensure we are loved.

      There was in fact a great deal more going on…

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  19. Mel,
    What a beautiful article. Thank you for being able to convey so much depth, beauty, wisdom, feelings through your written words.
    I was curious as to what does “quanta” and “quanta freedom” mean? Does it mean energetic freedom?
    Lots of love to you.

    1. Hi Jane M.

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased you enjoyed the article.

      The words are the intention of freedom on every level…throughout your entire emotional / energetic personal matrix.

      These words, for my healing system, were inspired by Quantum Mechanics – which recognises all space / time.

      I hope that explains!

      Mel xo

  20. Hi first time ive read that someone else on the site is fighting with the pain of having a physical disability I added this fact to the reason the ex narc preferred other women no matter what I did even though we spent 13 years together its been 1 hell of a battle to convince myself that the other women are of course better than me and they have an advantage over me I am getting there though realizing its the me inside that matters.
    Thanks to u all

  21. Hi Melanie, I’m so glad I found your blog. Much of what has been going on in my life now make sense bc I’ve been finding your information to be very helpful. My husband (who I believe is a narcissist) cheated on me while I was pregnant, our baby was born and 3 weeks later he asked for divorce bc he says he doesn’t love me anymore and he decided to leave us (me, our 4 year old and our newborn baby), of course he blames me for everything, tells everybody I’m just awful hateful person, for a while I actually started being confused and thinking that maybe in fact I was this monster he was painting. He is American and I’m from Brazil, i moved here to be with him, I don’t have any family of my own here, I feel lost sometimes, the pain and mental turmoil is much less now since I had an acupuncture session, it helped me a lot, and also your blog, however, I’m still confused and go through waves in my grieving process (our marriage is dead, we are going through a divorce right now). Bc I have the kids with me and he is away working overseas, I don’t have much time to myself and every time I tried to watch your webinar something happened and I couldn’t. Now I’m trying to register to save my spot, but I’m not receiving the email to confirm. Please let me know if I can watch it without confirming. Thank you xo

    1. Hi Gabby,

      I am so pleased my information helps.

      You have been through a lot, and I would love to see you be able to get well and heal.

      Gabby I will get my support team to email you regarding the Webinar to help get you sorted.

      Mel xo

  22. Hello,

    This is my first post on this site after subscribing a few months ago. Thank you so much for all of your insight! I have been no contact with my ex for 6 months now after I ran into him with the woman he overlapped with me. We had been living together for 2 months at the time he broke up with me. At this time, he began to come home later and later, lie to me, and began confiding in, and spending time with this other woman (who was a co-worker). After he broke up with me I ran into the two of them together, so I decided to go no contact and have not had any communication with him since January. Although I know this has been the better choice for me, I still have urges to contact him just to see how he is doing. I know he is still together with this new woman, and I can’t seem to get my mind off of the fact that he is seemingly happy, while I am still trying to pick up the pieces.

    This article really resonated with me as I have been dating here and there, but have been having strong aversions to getting close to anybody for fear of getting hurt again. I know I still have a great deal of work to do on myself, so I’m not sure if I should continue attempting to date, or focus inward for a longer period of time. When will I ever really feel “ready” to put myself out there again. When will I ever completely let go of the idea that my ex will call me up out of the blue and apologize for all the shitty things he did to me? Sometimes I feel like me moving on is still contingent on hearing an apology from him, which I know is completely unrealistic. It was so easy for him to shut me out of his life an move on. Will I ever be able to completely move on?

    -Emily

    1. Hi Emily,

      You are so welcome.

      What is really important is that you heal you, because the truth is when we are not ‘solid within’ we feel apprehensive, fearful and blocked, and we can only generate and create more of the wounds we still have trapped inside.

      You absolutely need to heal from what happened first.

      Then, 100% you will be able to move on and create a new reality.

      I would love you to come into my next Webinar on Friday.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thankyou-step2.html

      Mel xo

  23. I know several people who have managed to get into no contact but are stuck in the “I’ll never have another relationship again” mode. You have given me the words to encourage them to move past that stage. I know how hard it was for me to believe that I could learn to trust myself. I was so afraid I’d attract yet another N. But as I released more and more pain, my self-confidence grew and when I met my new husband, I was able to recognize a sane and healthy man. Melanie, I had no idea what true love and true happiness were all about until I found your website. I can’t say thank you enough, and I certainly found you just in time! I’ll be 70 soon and I feel like my life is just starting. It is never, ever too late, but in my next life I’m planning to wake up a whole lot sooner!

    1. Hi ej,

      that is so wonderful you are being and experiencing love and joy!

      You are a wonderful inspiration to others, and I totally agree, it is never too late!

      You are so totally welcome ej, stories like yours bring me so much joy!

      Mel xo

    2. EJ thank you so much for the hopeful message! I can’t believe this for myself, but just love your message of finding confidence in you/meeting a sane and healthy man. Wow.

  24. again, Mel, great timing and relevance! I totally understand crockie’s comment “realized that the man I fell in love with never truly existed”. I myself have been coming to learn the pain of having done this after 21 yrs marriage, and knowing narc 6 yrs before that. I attributed good qualities to him; loving, honest, loyal, trusting, generous, committed etc. but i’m painfully aware I was so deluded. and that he won’t change, and that even after sep. he did not genuinely show the persistence in working out relationship, even if he said he did (feeble small actions). my truth in my heart shows me this but also the fact that I have to get up and fully self accept and love me. there is another layer to it, because he is in a relationship with someone we both knew; she is a bit of a narc too. she also seems to have that deluded illusion about him. however, the love/truth energy in our hearts as survivors of narcs will help us to better heal,to attract other persons with our same heart energy & to be more equipped to identify the toxic, ugly, dark, selfish, emotional vampires, and to distance ourselves away from them. many blessings and thanks everyone!

  25. Hi all,

    I have come to this site after a very painful breakup from a verbally abusive somatic narcissist. It took a long time for me to really understand and accept what he was. I finally started reading up on it and trying to change things. When I tried to stand up for myself he only became more mean and called me names, said i made him start a dating profile and made my life hell. I was supposed to move in with him and I just couldnt do it. I had a nervous breakdown because I didnt trust the abuse to stop and he blamed me for everything. When I tried to talk to him to get him to understand the fear and pain i was in that drove me to act like that, He absolutely wanted nothing to do with me. He said he would be stupid to get back with me after what i did to him and he has already moved on and is texting and sleeping with other women online within a week. His sister and cousins see he treated me bad, but his mother supports him 100% and thinks I’m a terrible person for leaving since he never physically hit me. The worst part is he has custody of his children and i am their stepmother and they are devastated, they call me on my phone and they tell me they miss me and want me to stay. he doesnt even care about them or else he would get counseling with me. I am just so damaged by this.

  26. Dear Melanie, are you surprised that spouses of narcissists find it so difficult to BELIEVE that they are really like this? This is the hardest thing for me to get my head round, because it is so inhuman. How can the love of my life, after years and years, behave this way, and turn out not to love… it actually twists my mind trying to understand it.
    Thank you for this kind and caring essay. My heart is shattered, and I am frightened about the shame and the loneliness. I would love to stop wishing and hoping for him to show love and affirmation, which he simply cannot do.

  27. Hello,

    I am new to this community, and have started working with NARP. I feel unexplicable changes with NARP. I wish the changes were faster, though. I am so angry, I see the lies clearly. I’ve confronted the denial, and deflection so many times. And yet, I’m still here. That’s not like me, not the real me. Over the years I’ve become another person. My level of tolerance and patience has reached unhealthy levels.

    Today, I understand that a regret is not something I haven’t done or achieved, it’s all the soul-sucking moments I allow other people to withdraw from me. Every single one of those times, every single moment in time when someone takes, becomes another piece of myself that I give away.

    Today, I’m a little wiser. I’ve read a lot, and this site has been so helpful to get my mind in gear, for the dragging of my heart.

    There are soul-sucking people out there. And there are people who allow to be depleted. It’s really hard to admit that I’ve been “too nice.” To me, the world is a place where life is enjoyed, shared, sacred. And I thought I met someone like that.

    I have not had a 20 year marriage with my spouse. It’s been 2.5 years, but with another two narc relationships behind me, I need to smarten up, and grow up to myself. I need to keep shifting.

    Today I understand that the personal commitment I don’t give to myself will be robbed by another, if I allow it. Some people have no conscience.

    My husband’s lying has a different effect on me since I started with Narp. It has shifted from debilitatingly painful, physically and emotionally, to the recognition that I have to stop deluding my Self. The charge is still there, absolutely it is still there, but with NARP I am showing up for myself a little more. I still cry, and I know I have a ways to go. But with all these testimonials and success stories, I know that I am not alone, and that helps a lot.

    Thank you to everyone who posts. Thank you, Melanie for your work. Moving from victim to vibrant is the right thing for me, and yet the fear of losing keeps me moving at a slow pace. I’m faster than that, by nature.

    I still wish things would get “fixed” and that we could have a good life together, so I remind myself of all the lies, and I remember who I’m dealing with.

    Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend who is a neurologist, she also reminded me that a person who mines the beauty out of my life is not love, and that these people know no other way to function. She strongly suggested that I save myself, as soon as possible.

    I’ll keep doing the work. I can’t wait to come home this after noon to keep shifting with the meditations.

    Blessings to all,

    Jane

  28. Melanie — I love the articles you write because, as you say, our focus needs to be on healing and growing ourselves. That is the only thing within our control, and yet even that can be difficult and time-consuming enough, so trying to manage or control others really becomes futile in any context.

    I wish your web developers can include “Like” buttons because as I read through various comments, I want to give a nod of support/ a high-five to those whose words suggest they are “getting it.”

    I also value that you own up to your own past challenges and are humble about your journey in ways that support the concept of the “Spirituality of Imperfection.” It points to how our professional and personal credibility is not compromised or destroyed — but in fact enhanced — because we have struggled with certain challenges and issues.

    Your comments are often so very enlightening, that the combination of your intellect and heart shines through very clearly. What a remarkable example for women (and men) who are becoming empowered after the horrific experience of narcissistic abuse.

    1. Hi Fannie,

      thank you for your lovely comments.

      I feel so blessed that I was able to embark on this profound journey for myself, and then share with others.

      I believe authenticity and exposure of all of our parts is what creates a true template to evolve – and know how ‘normal’ it is to have wounds.

      We truly are all in this together.

      Bless you Fannie 🙂

      Mel xo

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