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I wanted to share in this article information that may really help you with your process of recovering from narcissistic abuse.

It’s to do with the uncomfortable feelings we may have in regard to being vulnerable with ourselves.

The reason why we can inherently struggle with vulnerability is because so many of us received the message in our childhood β€˜It’s not okay to be vulnerable’.

Many of us can relate to being told to β€˜snap out of’, β€˜don’t cry’, and β€˜just get on with it’.

Or maybe we were even punished for being vulnerable. If that was the case then the internal message escalated to β€˜It’s not safe to be vulnerable.’

Because we grew up with these messages, we became very hard on ourselves emotionally, which meant that it was really difficult to acknowledge our vulnerabilities.

Which made it especially difficult to be present with ourselves to soothe our vulnerable emotions.

 

The ‘Match’ Of Struggling With Being Vulnerable

A β€˜block’ that I have found to be very consistent with the people I work with in this community – is the difficulty to soothe ourselves when feeling vulnerable.

This was a difficulty that I also used to have.

Negative self-talk is disastrous. All that does is further embed the wounds, causes you to disconnect from loving and trusting yourself and makes you needier to β€˜get’ love and approval from outside of you.

We all know how painful it was to receive devalue and discard messages from narcissists, and how that destroyed intimacy, trust and connection.

We need to ask ourselves “How much do I do that to myself?”

Internal disconnection from one’s self drives both narcissists and co-dependents to create unhealthy relationships. The conscienceless narcissist manipulates to extract narcissistic supply (attention and significance) and the co-dependent will tolerate abuse to try to obtain love and approval.

Not acknowledging and soothing your own fears is also disastrous. This leaves you all alone out on the raw and ragged edge of negative emotion. This is akin to being ignored by a parent when you were a child requiring emotional support.

The fascinating part of this is that the β€˜struggle to be vulnerable with ourselves’ is yet another β€˜match’ for narcissists. Narcissists have a dire difficulty in accepting their vulnerabilities. In fact the entire disorder of narcissism is the intense defence mechanisms to avoid being vulnerable at all costs.

I have found that people who don’t get ensnared with narcissists, and who would never stick around to tolerate abuse, often have the following in common – they had a nurturing loving parent (generally mother) who was available to support, soothe and love them in times of emotional pain.

These people have the natural learned ability to talk themselves into better thoughts and feelings.

These people know automatically how to emotionally support themselves.

Co-dependents did not have the privilege of an emotionally supportive parent, and therefore do not naturally have the ability to grant emotional support to themselves.

The issue with β€˜being vulnerable with ourselves’ is this – if we didn’t learnt how to accept and then be emotionally supportive with our own fears and insecurities then we can do one of two things.

Try to be β€˜better’ (fix it / stop it) in order to be acceptable, or look for someone or something else to fix the emotional pain for us.

Then true to Law of Attraction the people who we choose are as unavailable as the original childhood source, and the β€˜things’ to soothe the emotional pain only perpetuates more disconnection from ourselves.

The bottom line is – deep within we did not believe we were loveable and acceptable with our inner wounds.Β 

 

Is The Shift Work The Entire Answer?

Many people like myself are very committed to their personal healing journey, and work hard at releasing unhealed wounds to reconnect back to being a healthy Source to themselves.

Committing to this path requires becoming very honest with ourselves, which means acknowledging we have unhealed emotional inner parts which require our attention.

The true work on our β€˜damaged’ and β€˜abused’ inner identities can be achieved powerfully by doing the inner shift work – and the proof is indisputable, that this does create incredible results.

But what happens when we can’t get to a healing space, or we don’t have the time to address releasing our inner wounds?

We may be out and about in life at the time, or we may have a pressing engagement. We may randomly experience a sudden hit of the feelings of unworthiness or insecurities about ourselves, life and our future without being able to access the space to immediately release it.

When our inner wounds get triggered we feel emotional pain, and if we are not conscious, before we know it, our mind can grab hold of these painful feelings and start concocting a β€˜story’ around it. A β€˜story’ that certainly doesn’t improve the way we feel.

Our mind if unchecked generally makes a mess of emotional pain. The reason is the cellular addiction we have within our subconscious mind (the cellular network throughout our entire body) likes to keep feeding from the emotions that they have had a regular and powerful peptide hit from.

If we remain unconscious we can easily start thinking the thoughts of powerlessness and unworthiness which keeps creating painful peptides, and keeps the painful victimisation cycle going.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is all about breaking this peptide pain cycle, in order to make β€˜space’ from the pain, feel the relief and have access to better thoughts in order to create our New Self.

When we understand the peptide cycle, and how to break it, it is natural to want to keep shifting our pain out with healing modules regularly.

But is this the complete answer?

 

Trying To Fix Ourselves As Quickly As Possible

If we are on a committed inner healing journey, we certainly aren’t denying our internal wounds – but we can have great difficulty in accepting their presence.

Even for the firmly committed Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program members this can translate to ’I need to fix this negative emotion as soon as possible in a Healing Module’.

Yes, that is the ultimate answer to reprogramming our inner programs, but by simply wanting to fix ourselves we are missing an incredible opportunity to know what it is to truly connect to and cherish ourselves unconditionally when we feel vulnerable.

If we simply jump into β€˜fix it’ mode, we have robbed ourselves of deep abiding feelings of genuine self-love.

Balance is the ultimate key. Be dedicated to your inner healing, and be just as dedicated to taking any opportunity you can to soothe, support and love yourself with self-talk.

In order to do so there is a total necessity to acknowledge your vulnerabilities, and then step in as the loving, supportive parent for yourself that you didn’t have access to in childhood.

Within my narcissistic abuse recovery, I was very pro-active with healing shifts, and in doing them I was able to recover from the hooks, addiction and pain powerfully. However for a very long time I missed the essential message of unconditional self-love because I was in β€˜fixer’ mode working healing processes on myself daily.

 

My Huge ‘Ah-ha’ Moment

One day it occurred to me how my moment to moment self-talk wasn’t up to scratch. I Knew I wasn’t self-condemning, but I certainly was not stepping in with loving, supportive purposeful thoughts immediately either.

The realisation came to me when driving in the car with a girlfriend. I was thinking about her earlier that day. She is not an abuse victim, yet has had an incredible number of challenges in her life. I wondered how on earth she could be so calm.

Another girlfriend and I commented on how incredibly centred she was, and how we couldn’t have handled her life with such emotional ease.

The pressing question was β€œHow do you stay so calm?”

Her answer was β€œI talk myself around with loving and supportive thoughts.”

So this is what I discovered – that as soon as she feels fear and anguish she invariably is immediately on the job of soothing herself emotionally.

My friend doesn’t beat herself up as being β€˜defective’ or β€˜not okay because she is hurting’. She truly has this part of her emotional management nailed.

Interestingly though, she doesn’t work on herself at an inner identity level, and as a result many of her issues haven’t shifted.

This is why I see the total value in getting both sides of our personal growth sorted. Yes, do the inner re-programming work, but also make sure your ever day life incorporates loving yourself unreservedly.

 

The True Power of Affirmations

We are not able to be in the healing space every minute of every day. In reality we also need to be in life, and creating our life.

This is where the use of affirmations can be vital.

I now think of affirmations as so much more than just words to create better feelings in order to create a better life.

To me now, the TRUE benefit of affirmations is to demonstrate and experience unconditionally loving, accepting and supporting ourselves.

Now I totally understand that practicing affirmations grants the ability to recognise our vulnerabilities and step up to the plate to ease, soothe and love ourselves.

 

It Wasn’t Just That Simple

After I received this huge epiphany I decided to really step up for myself. I chose affirmations that were full of love and support and mindfully decided I would implement them in everyday life when I needed to.

What happened was then a shock to me. I found the affirmations really hard to do. My mind would wander, and they didn’t hit the spot powerfully – and I wanted to jump straight into a healing shift instead.

Something was clearly amiss.

So I did what I always do, which I know works – I felt deeply into the block to find the belief systems that was stopping me achieve a desired goal.

What I found really didn’t surprise me. It was all to do with believing my wounds were unacceptable and needed to be sorted out as quickly as I could possibly do so. It was a belief that I couldn’t be loved and accepted whilst I had these wounds.

It’s no wonder I was SO adamant about doing so much inner self-work!

 

Connecting to Myself With True Compassion

A huge shift occurred when I shifted those faulty beliefs, and a whole new world opened up to me.

I still do regular inner work, but certainly not at the frantic pace I once did. I was able to easily accept that I was suffering emotional insecurities and that I felt vulnerable as a result. I was then easyto start thinking and supplying myself loving and supportive thoughts.

My focus was on love, ease and support rather than fix.

It was only the big persistent things that required inner work that I needed to β€˜fix’ after this time.

The best part was I could feel an indescribably powerful feeling of love for myself that I had never imagined feeling before.

I can only imagine the feeling of total support, love and comfort is what a child feels with a totally present, emotionally supportive parent.

It’s the feeling like β€˜someone’ totally has your back,Β  that life is going to be okay, and no matter what you are worthy, loved and accepted unconditionally anyway.

Wow! Truly words can’t explain how good that feels when you really anchor into it.

I know I wouldn’t have been able to anchor in so lovingly and believably to myself without having done the amount of inner work I had done, and affirmations on their own would not have healed me – but truly this everyday component had been missing.

I had unknowingly still been acting out the β€˜hard on me’ childhood scripts.

Truly when you start looking at and relating to yourself through the eyes of Source (total unconditional love), a huge shift happens with the way you view the world and other people.

You stop judging people’s wounds and you start accepting and loving life and people unconditionally. This of course would never mean that you tolerated abuse or enable it by staying attached to it – rather it means you have a completely different perspective on woundedness and defectiveness.

You acknowledge it exists but it doesn’t carry the painful emotional charges or victimised feelings that it once did.

Opening my heart up fully to me catapulted my ability to open up my heart up fully to other people and life.

When I fully connected to my own vulnerabilities with loving support it was quite emotional – in fact incredibly so. The love and relief I felt in regard to being unconditionally accepted by myself at first was quite overwhelming.

It didn’t take long, however, before the self-talk support felt like a secure beautiful, loving and natural cuddle.

Some of my most favourite affirmations when I require my own emotional support are:

β€œMelanie I love you with all of my heart”.

β€œMelanie I adore and accept you unconditionally”

β€œMelanie I commit to you fully with all my love and support”.

β€œMelanie I cherish you eternally with all of my being”.

At your times of emotional pain, if you stop doing negative self-talk, ignoring yourself, or being hellbent on fixing the pain – and step up to fully allowing and support your vulnerabilities – you will experience a profound connection to yourself.

You will know what it is to truly connect to yourself with love and compassion.

Unconditional love and compassion starts from within. You are the creator of your entire life script, and you do have the ability to internally experience the wonder of real love and compassion, and then open your heart to give it and receive it in your outer world.

In combination with working on your inner belief systems this is a powerful formula to becoming Who You Really Are – a being living your life through the eyes of Source.

I hope my personal experience has inspired you to create this self-loving balance in your healing journey, and I look forward to answering your questions and comments.

 

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56 thoughts on “How To Be Vulnerable With Yourself

  1. Thank you Melanie this is something I have always thought was wrong to do and I’m learning now is a big gap I am missing in my recovery. My narc of 18 yeayears marriage has reinforced that it is wrong to think of myself. I am moving forwards finally and am feeling less scared about the unknown future and where the journey is going to take me.

    1. Hi Jillian,

      that is incredibly true that there are so many projections which can make it feel so wrong to honour and love ourselves.

      Recovery is so about releasing all of that and coming home to totally embracing and adoring Who We Are.

      Thank you for your post, and that is wonderful that you are moving forwards into claiming yourself and this real and amazing life.

      Mel xo

  2. Melanie it has been beautiful to read about your own journey.

    What really stands out for me is the part where you speak of how not soothing ourselves lovingly is akin to being ignored by a parent.

    I`m thinking that when something is crying out in us, not only to be healed, but those parts that want to shine and be seen and we ignore them because we are scared. By ignoring the parts of ourselves that are ready to bloom, is then like an act of cruel behavior to that part of ourselves. It is clearly such a disservice to ourselves in every way to not speak lovingly and supportively to ourselves. Thank you for this article.

    1. Hi Rozanne,

      that correlation is definitive – and completely stands to reason.

      I AGREE 100% – you have hit the nail on the head – that we truly do want to connect to, and shine the beautiful love and authenticity of Who We Really Are.

      If we can’t ‘see’ and ‘know’ this part of us – then who else can?

      Marianne Williamson once famously wrote that the greatest fear of humankind is the fear of completely aligning with Who We Are.

      So much of life, outside authorities, parents and of course narcissistic individuals (who of course were stripped bare themselves)have conditioned us to be ‘small’, ‘ashamed’, ‘unworthy’, and ‘not acceptable’.

      This ‘coming home’ and ‘coming out’ always had to begin from within – the way we treat and talk to ourselves mentally and emotionally.

      You are very welcome Rozanne πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  3. Mel, Another great article, its amazing how you always seem to be connected to where I’m at all the time. I agree with everything you said, I have done all your Narc programs and read everything you have suggested.

    I was told to read a book by Brene Brown – The Gift of Imperfections and ‘I Thought It Was Just Me’they are both great books all about – Vulnerability, Shame and Blame.
    I have a morning ritual which I do everyday walking my dog, the affirmations I say I try and make fun, Like – At last, at Last the past is past, I’ve broken free and won, now it’s time to love myself and really have some fun. I do breathing exercises and give gratitude for everything good in my life,you, family friends, my farm etc etc.

    It makes the process of changing my old patterns into new strong beliefs, starting with loving myself and knowing I deserve my own love. I always felt inferior and unworthy in my family environment. I had very poor boundaries and very co-dependent. Through reading all your articles and reading the spiritual books, exercise and healthy nutrition I am getting better and better every day in every way.
    The peptide pain cycle does hit me from time to time but I’m getting my life back on track. Its been a hard road, one I will never let myself get thrown off the road into the bush again. I value myself to much now and my inner child has been shown love and placed in my heart so we are together and happy.
    Thank you Mel once again.
    Love to you Jan

    1. Hi Jan!
      I see something new every day to be greatful for also, and appreciate many experiences including bad ones as gifts to help me to heal and keep moving forward. Wonderful you look after yourself in every way possible and I am always conscience of healthy nutrition, exercise and plenty of spiritual healing. NARP is the most amazing healing tool I have ever had the pleasure of utilising in my everyday life. I even work with QF in the garden while pulling ‘real weeds’ lol!

      Recently the peptide cycle hit me very hard and I had the same triggers as when I was not in a great place with myself. Mel helped my gain my sense of who I am and I went in and worked with QF, which has brought me back to now in my recovery, which is quite far from where I was.

      My inner child is smiling all the time now and even has moments of having a good giggle. Happiness feels better than what it ever has because it is real happiness. xx

    2. Hi Jan,

      I love Brene’s material – possibly not as a source on its own – in conjunction with other spiritual material – because definitely it does round out many aspects of blame / shame.

      I love your affirmations gorgeous – fabbo that they rhyme!

      Terrific that you are doing so well Jan – and have committed to stepping in for YOU – that is what is sooo important!

      Mel xo

  4. HI Mel,

    Your timing as always :)is connected with how I am feeling.

    Can you explain being ‘grounded’ for doing or saying something that was not acceptable by a parent or both parents?
    I remember being put in my room for hours, not being allowed to talk about how I felt and while doing the ‘time’ I would self abuse and often allow my mind to go over and over what I had done and why was I being punished. It certainly didn’t help me to feel better, only would make me go further inside myself and the fear of speaking up was intense, as I was fearful of getting into more trouble. I was often told to be quiet. All I wanted to do was talk to someone who would listen.

    When I became an adult, making my own choices, I developed problems with beating myself up over things, and keeping stuff to myself, for fear of being told what I had to say was not important. It got worse and I lost my confidence, started getting angry with myself over small things and mistakes I made and was unable to open up to anyone. When I did get the courage to open up and express how I was feeling, I would often get talked over the top of, or the subject would be dismissed by a person saying ‘get over it, and enough said. I was never given reassurance that what I said or did is forgivable and it is ok to be young and make mistakes. Or they would walk away and not want to hear how I was feeling.

    I would always feel vulnerable in needing to talk to someone, and often just not say anything. My mum was wonderful though and did her best to help me in so many ways, with the resources she had at the time. It was the other people who were not helping me mostly.

    No one has the right to stop you from expressing how you feel, whether it be a parent, a love partner or anyone.

    I go in and honour myself with a healing session and tell myself, with feeling that I am a wonderful person, with a lot of love to give myself and others. I believe in myself and am kind to me, with the knowing that I must always be authentic as shutting down and hiding from any sort of pain is only more self abuse, which will stop one from moving forward and evolving.

    I have noticed great things changing in my life now with my one parent and my family and friends where they are listening to me more and are more open to want to be there for me.

    It is truly wonderful how when we start to really heal on a deep level, how our outside experiences change beyond explanation and how others respond differently.

    Big (((hug))) Mel and thanks for your help recently with my being vulnerable. xxoo

    1. Hi Jac,

      great the timing worked for you!

      When you say ‘explain’ being grounded – I am not sure what you meant. Did you mean explain their behaviour or the effect it had on you?

      I can’t explain why anyone does what they do – apart from them being disconnected from Who They Really Are – that is the ONLY reason anyone hurts another or themself. Definitely you not being able to speak up – and your speaking up not being ‘acceptable’ would have been incredibly damaging at your Inner Identity level.

      Everything you expressed as your fears in adult life make perfect sense.

      When you state ‘no one has the right’…we have to be really careful of resentment / indignations and ‘pushing back’…

      Anything not right in our life that we declare as ‘wrong’ only keeps it going in our vibration..It creates us as a victim.

      We think that shouting “Not acceptable” makes something go away – whereas in facts it cements it in our life (pain body and events we manifest) only harder..

      They did what they did because they did not know any better – these people who ‘abuse’ are also victims of abuse..

      And the truth of the matter is: ANYONE can and does do EXACTLY what they want – in respect to how connected they are with themself or how disconnected they are…

      We have NO power over that – the only power we have is with our own level of healthy connection with yourself and our own subsequent behaviour and choices – and focusing on WHY disconnected people are wrong and what they did is wrong is NOT the way to get ourselves connected with ourselves.

      What is appropriate for us to be connected, is taking the responsibility to know it is OUR job to not shut ourselves down, ignore ourselves, or to disconnect from our own feelings.

      What other people to choose to do re ignoring our feelings or expressions quite frankly has NOTHING to do with us…

      Doing it to ourselves is the only crime that ever takes place…

      Because the truth is there is only one person in the room – and every experience comes off that consciousness within each individual person in their experience.

      People will only EVER do it to you – IF you do it to yourself, or if you have a fear that you are not worthy or loveable enough to be accepted and heard.

      You are so welcome re being there Jac – and you attracted that support, because you truly are being vulnerable and available with yourself, and you are doing great πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

      1. Hi dear Mel, My question was answered Mel, where you said…”they did what they did because they didn’t know any better…” My parent/s were conditioned to handle discipline in the way they were disciplined, so carried it over to their children (me). Being sent to my room or β€˜grounded’ was punishment in the form of β€˜control’ …control my behaviour rather than help me understand β€˜why’ what I did or said was not acceptable β€˜in their eyes’ and helping me move forward from it, to grow and evolve without fear. Their punishment, by not accepting me as I am kept me stuck in the behaviour I was presenting at the time. I even started to self abuse because I felt worthless and unloved. They were closed off from themselves. I was very young, so I couldn’t possibly have understood what was playing out. It was their way (mums mainly) of protecting me from abuse due to the nature of the person she was with at the time, who controlled her. If I spoke up or tried to utter a word about the issue at the time, then I would be abused. My mum’s way of protecting me, but she didn’t know any different. The same thing played out in her life as a child.

        β€œAnyone can and does do exactly what they want in respect to how connected they are with them-self or how disconnected”….Haha! Did I learn that truth recently, where no matter what we do to try to get someone to see their truth or to see me (into-me-see), how fruitless it was and is, when the other person who is disconnected will just not see or want to for that matter, as that would mean seeing themselves for who they really are.

        I totally agree and know the focus has to be off other people and their actions, words and what is β€˜wrong’ as that doesn’t help me to move forward. Taking on other peoples stuff will keep the cycle going, as I have learnt over the last year or so. Over functioning empath! πŸ˜€

        I now feel worthy and I love myself and my inner child so much that I believe it is ok for me to speak up, be authentic and not focus at all on what he or she is thinking, what they believe, what they think of me, or if they can change or not. It is not our job to change another person, as you have said.

        Trying to change a scorpion’s behaviour will only get us stung over and over again, or the one I love the best β€œtrying to get a Crocodile to behave like a Labrador”.

        Being vulnerable and available with myself is allowing me to heal. You know Mel how honest with myself I am and how I put myself out there to be vulnerable, so I can receive the gift to be able to break through. Already I have had two shifts from recent events and I will continue to keep shifting and clearing. Streeeetchy ((hug)) and much love xxoo

      2. hi…u say that most people will only do what u allow them to do and they probably have also been abused, but what about the person u were responding to whose mom tried to help her and wasnt ignoring her feelings? what about her? what made her so different that she chose to be try and be loving instead of ignoring and not validating her feelings? was it because the mother wasnt abused? how about if people just are selfish and just go along w/ the flow and abuse someone because it “feels natural” because the other person’s aura is damaged and they feel that damage and just go along w/it. do they think its right or can they reflect and think to themselves, “why did i treat that person so bad?” do people not have a choice in how they act or is it all just by how they feel towards a person? i understand that most people wont give a damn and treat u how u treat urself…but its just not right. like homeless people for example…most people ignore them and of course they feel abysmal about themselves thats why they live such a terrible life..but is it justified that most of us ignore and look down on them because they do it to themselves?

        i know that u are here to help of course but i feel like its blaming the victim in a way…maybe i havent read enough of ur stuff, but im confused and hurt to take on even MORE blame….

  5. Hi Mel, thank you so much for sharing your experience and wisdom again. This show helped me to understand that it is alright to take healing slowly but what struck me was that I uncovered another belief system within me: “Even in healing, you must be perfect. If you are not, you will not attract the right things”. I was a bit shocked to see that belief systems are so deeply subconscious and they live on if no one names them. With this show, you named yours and I was subsequently able to name mine! Thank you for that, I will be more relaxed – and vulnerable – doing my next steps. Big hug. Christine.

    1. Hi Christine,

      you are very welcome.

      That is so true – that an insidious belief from childhood can keep playing out till we name it and nail it.

      I know that after having released that belief you will feel incredible relief just as ‘my hard on myself belief’ was blocking me from the deeper peace.

      Enjoy!

      Mel xo

  6. Thank you for another inspiring article. For quite some time, I have had the ability to lovingly talk to myself through difficult times and since I discovered your website and blog, I have learnt to acknowledge and accept my feelings and thoughts as mine. These two together helps me a lot but it was not until today’s article that it really hit me that it is because I do not do inner healing work/shifts that my issues are still present. However, through this article, I also realized that the reason I still smoke is because I feel extra vulnerable when I don’t so this tells me that I am still not completely supportive to myself.
    Second thing, I am going to pay a friend to buy the FOO e-course this weekend with her credit card as I don’t have one anymore.
    Much Love xoxo

    1. Hi Quinton,

      You are welcome.

      It is very true that our subconscious Inner Identity Programming is powerful – and by 35 years of ago 95% of our life is run by it. In that our life plays out ‘to the letter’ according to these inner beliefs.

      Therefore the repeat painful cycles in our life, that don’t break through are the ones that require deeper attention to shift.

      That is great that you are going to start the inner work – because you will see those shifts and changes dramatically start falling into place, once you release those old beliefs.

      Mel xo

  7. Wow Mel,

    I truly admire you for the degree of self-awareness, self-honesty and emotional courage that you have.
    You are such an inspiration.

    The fact that I was narcissistically abused is so firmly behind me that even writing about it feels like I am talking about someone else. With your help, and God’s grace, I am completely over that experience.

    In fact I see it as, in your words, a breakdown that led to my breakthrough. πŸ™‚

    But I still eagerly wait for your blog-posts. Though I don’t read them from the place of an abuse victim, they’re still as personally relevant as ever.

    What you express and share has a universal appeal.

    I just want you to know that and keep up the good work.

    Love and Cheers!!

    1. Hi Rashmi,

      there truly is such a beautiful peace within as a result of being authentic – and I love living my life in that way.

      I adore that you are have claimed the gratitude of your breakthrough – because it makes everything we have endured worth it one zillion fold!

      What else did we ever want other than knowing a true, solid, joyful connection with ourselves?

      And knowing that from that place everything is easy and fulfilling and real in our life…because that connection IS our life.

      I truly do hope that the information I put out is not just about narc abuse – because really that was only the catalyst in relation to our own growth and healing – there is so much more expansion to live than just recovering from abuse.

      Thank you for your beautiful post.

      Mel xo

  8. Melanie-
    I just began subscribing to your newsletter last week, and have read every one that has come into my inbox, each day. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to have found your work, in that I had been struggling to understand why I couldn’t ‘fix’ myself after years of therapy, and much reading on co-dependency. It was just last week that I realized that I grew up with narcissistic parents, and since then, everything has fallen into place! This article has crystallized all of my confusion about why I continued to get into challenging relationships and why I always feel as if I’m pleading with my partner to ‘understand’ and ‘feel’ my pain.-because I wanted THEM to heal my pain and provide my with unconditional love. You have helped me understand in a simple but profound way, what power I have to create that unconditional love and fullfillment for myself. In this shift, I know I will be able to pass this onto my children, as it’s never too late! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experiences!

    1. Hi Sherri,

      that is wonderful that you have been able to gain crystal clarity very quickly.

      I believe it is so important that consciousness does break the patterns of abused and abuse – because all of that was about powerlessness, from both sides.

      Once we do become a healthy source for ourselves, and to others and pass that on, then future generations will know what it is to be authentic love and co-create their future generations healthily and joyfully.

      Mel xo

    2. Sherri, hi,
      I too wanted my ex partner, who is a narcissist, to understand and feel my pain. So wanted to, spent years trying to explain myself to him, but it never worked. You said it so well: that’s because I wanted him to heal my pain and provide me with unconditional love, instead of giving it to myself. Nether my or his parents could be labeled as narcissistic: so I have no “excuse” why he ended up a narc and I, a co-dependent..

  9. This is one of the right on the spot, right on the time- articles of yours- for me. πŸ™‚

    I had a big a-ha moment two days ago where I came to a new understanding of how flashbacks, and the not handling them properly when they arrive (aka not accepting them and accepting me not being as I want to be; wich is simply just about what it takes to actually handle flashbacks- was it really this easy?), combined with the unconscious behavior patterns of avoidance of situations whom could lead to flashbacks; have been controlling my entire life for about 3 years now, and is huge part of what psychology have named CPTSD; “emotionally unstable”, etc. It is simply flashbacks as in ordinary PTSD, but when the C comes to, the flashback mechanisms also become complex. It is like ordinary PTSD, wich comes from simple trauma is kind of one or two-dimensional, while CPTSD has many more facets, or dimensions to it, and sometimes the emotional trigger that causes the CPTSD-flashback, releases a whole chain reaction of different flashbacks, and whoooohoo here we go again, haha! πŸ˜‰ And that is actually peptide addiction?? Lightbulb-moment here! πŸ™‚

    Actually, getting a theoretical understanding of my issues and the healing mechanisms before I go through with it, is the natural and right way for me to do it, I find. Getting to know myself, my psyche, my body, as I heal slowly. Though I also experience that as I put less stress into healing fast, I actually start healing faster.

    Much love!

    1. Hi NMSD,

      That is a fantastic realisation indeed – yes C-PTSD is peptide addiction, and your body calling out to your brain to re-think the thought to create more of the chemical – totally!

      Hence why once peptide addiction is broken – C-PTSD no longer exists!

      That is great that are truly healing, and honouring you.

      Mel xo

    1. Looks can be deceiving. “Seem” Is the keyword there. They really seem to have it all but if you take that away, they are just scared insecure beings who are afraid to face themselves. I wont argue that many of them are very powerful and or wealthy however they are not happy in that and that is what is important. To be happy. The material things they have does not ‘add’ to their happiness (which is the way it should be)but it is their happiness, which is based on what they have.

    2. Hi Amanda,
      This is a great question and one worthy of an entire article.

      To simplify here – we need to understand what the real definition of ‘success’ or ‘getting it all’ is.

      Is it the ‘stuff’? Or is it the sense of inner peace, happiness and satisfaction people can create within themself and their life?

      Success may appear to be ‘stuff’ – yet we all know that there are people who are miserable, and even opted out of the world through drugs and alcohol abuse (celebrities) despite ‘having it all’.

      We also know when we go to countries such as Bali or Vanuatu and send time with locals, how a shared meal with their community, or a small gift of gratitude creates so much joy, love and contentedness.

      Is a measure of β€˜success’ or β€˜having it all” how we think people judge us, or the genuine emotions we experience within ourselves?

      So back to the original question “Why are narcissists so successful?’

      How can ‘success’ be the constant need for ‘more’ in order to avoid inner emotional agony?

      Narcissists are always needing more, stretching for more, taking risks for more, and putting themselves financially under incredible risk for more.

      Eventually it all cracks just like any plate would underneath the enormous gluttonous mound of food on top of it…

      Always needing ‘More’ serves as creating ‘significance’ to try to escape the inner woundedness of feeling powerless and inadequate.

      Nothing a narcissist ever secures is going to grant them peace or happiness – hence why the novelty soon wears off, the inner pain returns, and then they go for β€˜more’ again.

      No partner a narcissist ever secures can take away the narcissist’s pain for him or her – hence why he or she is always devalued and discarded – and punished (pushed away) lest the partner discovers the truth about the narc if getting too close (I am flawed)…and of course the partner gets to see this anyway..

      So therefore nothing or nobody the narcissist ‘gets’ brings happiness, or actually even ‘lasts’.

      I had dinner with friends last night, and between all of us we knew no less than 5 narcissistic men in their declining years who were once ‘wealthy’ who are now penniless with Parkinson’s disease.

      These are people we know personally.

      I have heard that identical conclusion for narcissists throughout the community more times than I can point a stick at..

      This is the real (final) result of a narcissist having ‘success’ and ‘getting it all’.

      When you understand the truth, there is not one micro-millimetre of you that envies the narc. You are just incredibly relieved your life is no longer wrapped up with him or her in the illusions created from self-avoidance and ‘more’ – especially if you have pledged to create TRUE success and β€˜having it all’ for yourself – which is of course genuine love, truth, purpose and happiness.

      Mel xo

  10. Thank you Melanie for another wonderful article. I have been thrown for a loop this week. The government in Western Australia has made radical changes to the Education funding that will affect the jobs of many teachers and assistants here. I noticed that as soon as we had our staff meeting that I went into a slump of depression that has been present since. I recall your words about how what life presents us with on the outside is merely a reflection of what is on the inside. I have felt very vulnerable over the past week and very insecure. This situation with the funding changes has confronted me with my vulnerability and the insecurity that I grew up with. I have had thoughts of giving up and thoughts that my life is over and what is the point and maybe I would be better off dead. The thoughts have gone on and on. In addition to all this, I recently terminated contact with a man who would not respectfully communicate with me. You suggested that I may have deep, unhealed patterns around this. I wondered what these could be and then suddenly I realised that these patterns have nothing to do with men. They have to do with the treatment I received in my family of origin. Whenever I expressed my truth, I was castigatged and my family wanted me to express more acceptable (to them) thoughts that meant I had to give up on my true self, so I went underground. This man’s reaction to me expressing my thoughts and feelings was identical and it was no wonder that I felt distressed! So, this week, I have been able to stay with myself, nurturing my wounded self and journalling a lot. The journalling helps to get out the pain from inside me so that I can explore it a bit more. I have done a lot of healing work about the expression of my truth but there is still more to do to dissolve this pattern or I would not have somehow attracted this man into my experience. It is the same with these death feelings of insecurity. The Education Department’s new funding plan is one thing, but it has exposed my incredible underlying insecurity. So it is a gift in disguise. I will work with this in my kinesiology session this week and also do healing modules to clear it. I suspect that as I clear it, the situation will also clear on the outside. I am permanent in my work and want to stay where I am. If I have stayed alive this long, it is more than likely that all that is happening is that I am re-living old terrors that just need healing. I realise that I have never felt truly safe, loved or secure. The difference now is that I have tools to protect, love and care for my inner child and do not have to live in this terror any more.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      I am seeing this happening with so many people of late,

      an event from the ‘outside’ triggers (heavily) a deep core wound.

      I feel this is exactly what this is for you – big, deep, core wounds…in other words some of your biggest stuff to release and heal in this lifetime…

      Once you get to what these are and release as per QFH and / or kinesiology you are in for a wonderful boost of higher freedom and expansion…

      And of course the wonder of life will reflect that back to you – your future and life is infinetely secure and safe Suzanne.

      All is well, and you will see the incredible breakthrough you will get from this breakdown, once you release those faulty inner beliefs.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Melanie. Thank you so much for affirming what I am going through. I realise that I am responsible for doing all my inner work but it is so comforting to have your support because it can be so difficult and confusing at times. I went for my Kinesiology session today and it is as I thought. There have been patterns around feeling insecure my whole life and I think that these have been completely released now. I am trusting that my life will go on even better than before. I realise that there are things with my work that are not secure but I am trusting that my life will still work and am choosing to stay with what is nourishing. This Thursday I am going to Bali with my dance company for 4 days to dance and stay in a 5 star hotel where we will get all our meals and dance every day. I do not know how my life will evolve from here on in. What I do know is that since my energy vibration has changed and I have healed a lot of old patterns, I think that perhaps it is not possible to go backwards and I will still get to live a good life, even better than before. That has been my experience in the past. When some things heal and change, I go forwards with a better experience that I create, because I am the one creating my own life and the outer world will reflect my inner world. Thank you Melanie for all that you give to all of us who are on this healing journey. Your presence is very much valued.

        1. Hi Suzanne,

          you are very welcome.

          I personally believe that although outside practitioner sessions are helpful – that truly the most empowered way we can heal is to get used to going within our own emotions, opening up into them and being with them, and then the false belief systems absolutely present to us.

          This way we become Our Own Healer, because truly no-one does have the power to heal us, as we do ourself, and also we get to totally back, trust and know ourselves, as well as get comfortable with our inner emotions.

          You have the QFH tool to shift, so this means when extreme emotions surface for you – you can go inwards, heal and shift.

          Just my feeling that you could feel more able to soothe, heal and shift yourself.

          You are welcome Suzanne, and thank you for your lovely words.

          Mel xo

          1. Melanie, you are right. Thanks for your timely reminder. I guess that a long time ago I learned to journal and to go within due to the wisdom of my doctor in a psychiatric unit in which I was an in-patient for 6 years. He did not believe in drugs and encouraged us to fully feel our deep feelings and to stay with them until they shifted. It was scary and painful work ,but it paid off. It is a long-standing habit now to stay with and reflect on my deep feelings. Although I healed a lot of childhood wounds at that time, there was more to do, hence I attracted my most recent N ex-boyfriend. Since I terminated my relationship with him and committed to my healing and living in my integrity, I am sure that I have changed a lot energetically and will change even more. What came up the other day is my fear that I will miss out if I don’t engage in all that life has to offer, if I don’t engage in all opportunities that come my way. I am the sort of person who has two speeds; very fast and stop. I have encountered the part of me that strives and is frightened to allow life to simply unfold like flowers do. They don’t strive but they eventually open from buds and in their own good time, they blossom, without expending undue energy. they just unfold! I think that the next part of my journey is to allow myself to relax and know intimately that my life is unfolding as it should and I can relax, knowing that I am safe and loved deeply. That should deal with the need to strive. I already feel more relaxed and on Sunday I stayed in bed all day, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere, or even to connect with any of my friends. It was a lovely day really. I often wonder what I should be doing, but perhaps if I just relax, continue to heal and do QFH sessions and meditate, then my future will continue to open very naturally with no pushing or angst from me. I don’t have to strive and make things happen or panic and think that all that is left is that I will now die and that life will not support me. That is my fear talking. It is really about learning and trusting the process of my life and knowing that I am truly safe and cared for. That is my big fear; that somehow my life will not work out unless I cause something to happen. What that something is, I do not have a clue, but I strive anyway and it is not helpful to live like this. I was planning to go dancing tonight, but am still not quite over the flu and decided to stay at home. I always get quite conflicted when wondering what I should do. However, I think that taking good care of myself and choosing to stay at home was the right decision. I can never tell. What I do know is that I have enjoyed a very lovely evening at home without going out into the cold night. I am leaving for Bali on Thursday to dance with my dance company for 4 days, and am opening myself to a new experience. I guess that I am beginning to trust that there are lots of good things to still happen in my life without striving for anything. Another thing that I have done is remove myself from all dating sites. For some reason I am finding them wearisome and none of the men on the sites is any kind of soul match for me so cannot see the point. I have not met my match yet and think that if I let well enough alone and just concentrate on making every day beautiful for me, that one day, the right man will just appear; so that striving for a life-partner has now simply vanished into the ether. Perhaps I will too lol. I am beginning to see myself as wonderful and unique; someone who has every right to exist in my own form and someone who is very deserving of all the good things that life has to offer. It’s a bit scary to give up the striving thing. I never realised how much it was in me. It takes a lot of energy to continually strive and I think that it is more about externals than nurturing my insides. So, I am learning to let go and to trust that I will still stay alive if I let go. I think that I am worried that if I let go the striving and don’t engage with all that comes my way, I will die because unless I stay on top of things and control the outcome of my life, my life will fall apart. These are the thoughts that have been unconscious until now, but have resulted in my need to strive so I can stay alive. I am not sure if any of this makes sense, but it is a real risk to let go and trust. Does this mean I am growing perhaps? If I continue to stay alive, then there must be a force keeping me alive. So thanks Mel for your encouragement and wise words. You are right. I have all my QFH modules to continue with and need to keep uncovering what is there until it comes out.

  11. This is so unbelievably timely. I’m finding, especially with the Empowered Self course, the underlying theme to almost all of my pain is how judgmental I am of myself, how I’m still not “fixed,” how little I’ve accomplished, what I’m not accomplishing, blah blah blah. I’m judgmental of how judgmental I am of myself. HAH! I wrote yesterday doing the ES work, healing this part of me is like trying to catch smoke. It seems elusive, yet it’s always right there. This article, especially about the positive affirmations and self talk, gives me hope. I’m a big believer in being able to re-program our minds, re-write our brain wiring, and this is the key I think I’m missing in healing my self- judgement.

    Thank you SO much Melanie for your work!

    Mary Ellen

    1. Hi Mary Ellen,

      That is so funny (but not really!) I am so judgemental of being judgemental of myself…BUT how many of us could / can relate to that??

      Plenty…

      As a clue it may well help immeasurably for you to ‘find’ that faulty belief and shift it…

      Christine (post above) is so right in stating ‘We need to name it”…and this especially true when we really DO discover something within us which is constantly shooting us in the foot…

      So I WOULD suggest to you (as I did) go within and try to find the belief…

      The question you need to feel into when you go deeply into the ‘I’m hard on myself’…is WHY? Really, really, really drop into that space and see what comes up for you…

      My gut feeling is it was totally about childhood (and of course beyond) there is something there you can find and release – and more than likely this has been so dominant in your life because truly it is wrapped up on survival programs.

      Something like ‘If I relax and don’t push myself to be more productive / better, I’m not going to survive’…(that’s my intuition speaking…)

      Once you find ‘the reason’ and release it, you will SO much easier be able to be loving and tender towards yourself…

      You are so welcome Mary Ellen, and I hope this can help.

      Mel xo

  12. wow….what a kind and powerfull letter you wrote!Also you were kind enough to take time to explain message in different ways to reach all people with different thinking patterns.Surely makes you appear like a rare kind ,smart,god sent ,true angel whom now knows the reason god put you on earth.You a real angel in our eyes….thanks god for this angel you sent!!

  13. in my opinion you deserve your own tv show right here in. california//////,see you would be popular out here cause all the people here are mean and greedy and fake….so an angel is needed quickly

  14. This message is profound and very timely for me this week. After a season of finally feeling relief and joy and growth from doing the NARP modules, I have lately been absolutely blind-sighted by off-the-charts trauma and debilitating pain brought on by accidentally running into my ex-N (often!).

    My reaction to this pain has been to direct disgust and disappointment at myself for “going backwards” and to ultimately reject my beautiful, vulnerable little girl within. I’ve been angry at myself for being weak!

    SO, this message is right on target and the timing is perfect. Must be a lesson I’m supposed to be learning this week.

    I am going to spend some much needed affirming, loving time with my “little me” tonight before I go to bed, and let her know I’m on her side and am always available to comfort her. How beautiful!

    Thank you for reminding me that this “being there for oneself” is really as, and maybe even more, important than getting “fixed”. Whether we ever get completely, 100% healed from our hurts in life, at the very least, we can commit to providing love, affirmation and tender loving care to ourselves…no matter where we are at.

    I needed to hear this today!

    Hugs to me, hugs to you, Melanie, and hugs to every other beautifully vulnerable soul out there.

    1. Hi Patti,

      it is incredibly succinct how life will always grants us the messages (pain) to address what we still need to heal…

      That is exactly what this is for you – the ‘evidence’ that you have more coming home to you as your source to yourself, which is solid, firm and not derailed by anyone or anything outside you which is ‘not your reality’.

      May sound like a tall order – yet truly that is the only place empowerment and freedom TRULY is, and your soul is absolutely after that level of freedom, hence why it wishes you to release anything that isn’t allowing it.

      How gorgeous you understand that this is all about connecting to and loving you.

      Hugs back to you Patti.

      Mel xo

  15. Thank you so much, Mel for this helpful article.

    I too have had a history of an unsupportive parent (she herself was unsupported) and all my life I have had a strong inner critical voice, which for the longest time I was unaware of. I knew that I didn’t feel good, but I didn’t realise that I was giving myself such a hard time because that voice, passed onto me from my mother from her mother and so on, was so internalised that it was hard to pick out.

    What with work that I have done on myself over the years, the shock of my recent experience with the narcissist and the wake up call that that represented, doing this work, and also choosing supportive and loving friends who aren’t afraid to lovingly challenge me, I have become more aware when I am being hard on myself.

    What I find really helpful is to turn my inner comments around and see if what I am saying to myself is something I would say to someone else. For example, if I have slipped up and I find myself saying to myself, ‘you’re so stupid, how could you do that?’ – that isn’t the way I would talk to someone else – especially someone who I love, so why should I talk to myself like that?

    Next time I do find myself talking harshly to myself I am inspired to apologise, to myself and put things right; ‘I’m so sorry for speaking harshly to you, Sophie, that wasn’t fair of me. Really I think the world of you and I love you with all my heart.’ A heartfelt apology can open open our hearts so quickly.

    This work is so great and so is this supportive community working together to heal. Love and thanks.

    1. Hi Sophie,

      that is so true that why would we talk to others the way we talk to ourselves?

      The irony is ‘there is only us’ (Oneness) and if we talk to ourselves badly, we will end up attracting people who also talk to us badly (and of course they do that to themselves) and because we have a painful relationship with them (abuse) we will end up speaking back to them badly.

      It is lose / lose all the way.

      It’s all abuse, which became self-abuse (I took your abusive version of me, and then made it about myself).

      Gorgeous you are being mindful, and I LOVE ‘the apology to self’ – how powerful and what a gorgeous way to reinstate trust and connection with ourselves!

      Divine…and thank you for sharing Sophie πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  16. Hi Mel,
    Thsnks for this article. I had been feeling quite acared and vulnerable today with legal matters stepping up so lovingly supporting myself will be something I include in my healing journey. As I look after myself, I find my heart softens and is peaceful and I do often think of reaching out to N who I have 3 children with. Due to keeping myself safe I have made no contact with him for several months and N was disinterested in regularly seeing his children. All of a sudden N has jumped back into the children’s lives. It seems weird that he tries to organise activities through the children by saying ask mum if you are allowed to do this or do that. I feel it would be beneficial to do modified contact but am quite fearful to even make any contact with him. I am trying to do what is best for kids and at the moment I don’t think it is, even though they are teenagers. They love him and want him in their lives but are reluctant to let him down if there are times they don’t want to do what he has suggested. I have been doing module 8 over and over as I know my insecurities are tied up in this as well but I have been more or less the sole parent for two years and now he decides he wants to be back in their lives.
    Luv you lots Mel and thanks for your love and dedication you give to us all in this community.

    1. Hi Kally,

      That is great that you have been healing and looking after you.

      It can be usual that a narc who is not getting NS will make a move like this to try to upset you emotionally to get a reaction.

      Especially if he has not been interested before this time.

      You are going in the right direction with Module 8, and keeping releasing the emotional ties which are hurting or pulling…

      Just keep releasing your fears, don’t try to work out ‘why’ he is doing it, and walk your truth and desires on this matter without guilt (release that too if it surfaces).

      That will put you in the best possible outcome for the best result.

      I hope this helps.

      I love you lots too Kally, and I am so glad I have been able to help you.

      Mel xo

  17. Hi Anon,

    Ahat a beautiful experession. I do believe that the purpose of life is to grow, shed pain and false premises, and to expand into the knowing of Who We Really Are..

    Which truly is a co-creator experiencing heaven on earth…

    Gorgeous you have embraced that path…because that is where true love and life is…

    Mel xo

  18. 2 months out, still feeling grief and pain and just starting the QFH. I know I cannot press an Easy Button, and grief will happen as it would with any romantic relationship that ends. I was struggling with this, feeling like I need to “fix it NOW” every time grief appeared – as if I should be past it already, and fearful that I’d be stuck in the pain forever. But I realize the pain is less severe than 2 months ago, or even 1 month ago, and I am healing! It just takes time even with the QFH and we must be loving, supportive and kind to ourselves while we heal and grow. I love my positive affirmations and often do them in the mirror.

    Because of QFH, I realize I am codependent, that I willingly participated in an unhealthy relationship, and I now understand where a lot of my codependency originated. No one can “fix it” but me, and I’m doing that in a self-loving way! I am grateful for these insights and now understand that I have power and control in my life!

    Yes, I will feel grief and pain as I heal, but I don’t have to be afraid of getting stuck there now.

    Mel, you have been a Godsend to me! Standard therapy has been good for expressing my emotions, but not particularly helpful otherwise. You GET IT, as do others here, and it’s making such a difference in my life. *~thank you~* from the bottom of my heart!

    1. Hi Deb,

      Fantastic post and I related to it deeply. I have been working hard with QFH too and any pain or fear, any of the triggers that were keeping me stuck in the pain and grief are being cleared as soon as they surface.
      I don’t allow myself to sit and mull it over and over in my head now, as there is no purpose for me to do this, except to create more pain and grief.

      Isn’t it wonderful to have such a powerful healing tool, created by such an inspirational person and from someone who has experienced the same deep trauma, as we all have. I didn’t get any relief from an outside therapist (before I found Mel), as each time I left the session after an hour, I felt totally drained and miserable, keeping me stuck. Also the therapist didn’t know how I was feeling on a deep internal level. One has to experience something to understand it. Talking about how I was feeling was keeping me hooked on the pain. The beauty of QF is it really does get to the source of the pain and shift it, for good.

      All the best to you and isn’t it wonderful to be free and to be able to heal ourselves to be truly free.

      (((hug))) xx

    2. Hi Deb,

      it is early days for you – and truly it is a matter of surrendering into the emotions without judgement, feeling them fully and shifting them out with healing modules.

      That is the true path to healing.

      Avoiding our feelings and emotions only keeps us stuck in the pain…so it is great that you are committed. Know it is a journey, and not one that will happen overnight. The surrendering into the process is however, what will grant you relief and freedom more quickly than anything else.

      Wonderful that you realise that true healing is about committing 100% to yourself – and that it isn’t anyone else’s job!

      You are so welcome, and truly you are on the right track Deb – much love and hugs.

      Mel xo

  19. Hi Melanie,

    This article came to me when most needed. I’ve recognized some time ago that I have a problem allowing myself to be vulnerable, and learned that being vulnerable and feeling emotions such as saddness, sorrow etc. is permitable.
    However, this is still very much on the logical level and in truth I don’t know how to feel vulnerable, how to feel those feelings, whilst knowing that they are there. How do I behave with them? How do I address them? The afirmations I can see that they can be a great help, as well as the inner belief shifts, but is this all?
    Btw, I’d love you to give us some more affirmation examples, I’ve tried to do my own, but somehow for the moment they don’t seem to have a similar effect to yours.
    Thank you for this valuable article.
    Warm thoughts to everybody,

    1. Hello Anna. I thought I would share with you some things that I have learned about my own vulnerability. It is not something that a person has to do anything about, but to just stay with and to feel the feelings and not necessarily DO anything except feel them. If you are sad, then just feel how sad you feel. You can carry on an inner dialogue with your inner child and talk about what is making her sad or angry or hurt or lonely; no matter what the feeling is, it is important to stay with it until it shifts. If you can learn to stay with your inner child as she feels all these feelings and support her as she feels them, then you become the safe container who affirms her, truly sees and hears her so she learns to trust that you will always be there for her to protect her and keep her safe. Journalling is also very useful and doing dreamwork. I have always found those tools very helpful. When I first discovered my inner child, she was extremely demanding and she wanted dolls and books and she wanted them from this particular doll and particular book shop. I still have the dolls and the books but have now moved on lol. Once she knew that I cared enough to get her these things that she had felt deprived from having, she settled down and for her these days, it is fine to mostly dialogue constantly and we have these mostly silent (to others) conversations all the time. Sometimes she want ice-cream or a particular meal, or candles or new bedlinen. All of the things she wants are reasonable and I have a happy little inner child who mostly feels safe (EXCEPT WHEN I GET INVOLVED WITH NARCISSISTIC BOYFRIENDS). There was obviously more internal work to do and he is no longer in my life. Anyway, that is just my take on it for what it’s worth.

    2. Hi Anna,

      I am so glad this article resonated deeply with you.

      Struggling with vulnerability is an enormous issue amongst abusers and the abused.

      I believe affirmations are the purpose of ‘granting ourselves the love and affirming of what we need to feel and know about ourselves and life in order to be healthy and whole’.

      Now IF we can’t say these things to ourselves THEN we have belief systems that are faulty that are blocking us accepting these affirmations.

      Therefore if you can’t ‘accept’ belief systems such as ‘I love you with all my heart’, then you have something within you rejecting that statement which requires shifting.

      Personally, as I described in the article above – I needed to shift certainly beliefs within my subconscious programming in order to state and accept these beliefs. Once I found and shifted these beliefs, instantly I could.

      All of this is about bypassing the logical brain, which truly is the self-saboteur.

      I hope that adequately answers your question.

      Mel xo

  20. Thankyou for a great article Mel. i am definately one of those in this community who didnt have emotional soothing as a child. I was told to toughen up constantly and was given no sympathy lest it encouraged me to make the same mistake again. I could totally relate to the fixing addiction.

    This is a great reason for parents in this community to ditch the emotional abandonement child training technqiues such as controoled crying, crying it out, ignoring tantrums and time outs that are so heavily advocated for in our modern western parenting sphere. They merely produce codependent fodder. When kids act out its code for “i have some really difficult feelings that need soothing and understanding”, not abandonement and punishment

    I was trained to be independent and tough with all these emotional abandonement technqiues and it certainly looked like it all “worked” (good girl, high academic achiever) until it all came crashing down with an abusive relationship. Now I realise the gaping emotional holes I had underneath the well trained good girl facade. So cuddle and soothe all those babies out there (….look out, here comes the fixer side of me!)

    Thanks for showing me the way forward with the importance of loving self talk.

    Anita xx

  21. Thanks Melanie so much for this article- it is beautiful. For me the self-soothing aspect was nearly absent from my programming, and it’s vital to reversing the tides- the actual LANGUAGE of universal/unconditional love was simply missing; my mother was not only a classic narcissist but also a highly verbal individual whose favorite tactic was the filibuster (!). So it makes sense that I had a pretty strong negative override system I’d developed myself.

    I’ve been so lucky in the last week to come across two books which have helped immensely with this which I wanted to share with anyone who felt like they might want something to say to themselves as a springboard/roadmap for self-soothing throughout the day. It’s like a POSITIVE OVERRIDE to combat the negative. πŸ™‚

    The first one is LOVE YOURSELF and Let the Other Person Have it Your Way, By Lawrence Crane. The author talks about unconditional love as giving approval- to self, others, everyone, to your own negativity even. Giving approval is indeed very natural, having a natural acceptance, immediate acceptance of all that is. The words this author uses, repetitively, helped me develop a much better override system in less than a week. Actually, I worried giving approval to the narc using this simple idea would mess me up- but to my awe it really helped in creating a feeling of benign distance.

    The other book is The Sedona Method, by Hale Dwoskin who just has a wonderful way of speaking about others’ pain- very compassionate, and solution oriented. The exercises added to my QFH experience and suddenly, after months of struggle, nothing felt much like a struggle anymore- the exercises in this book have been real miracles- I got rid of a daily chronic cough, identical to my codependent father’s and codependent uncles- we all had narc parents- and through this method I realized the cough was directly related to feelings of having to stifle truth. In the book there are some great habit-breaking exercises- and when I decided to understand the cough was just a habit I “used to believe I had” and used the formula, I felt something change completely, and I’ve been completely free of this, and three other significant addictions in just a week, so much improvement I feel like a different person…

    So please do check these out if you are looking for more salt or pepper to add to your regimens!

    To Anita- yes, I TOTALLY AGREE we need to change society awareness about what happens when fragile children are pushed away when in pain. I suspect that the ratio of Narc men to Narc women somewhat reflects our society’s tough love and ‘don’t cry’ mentality towards young boys.

    Warning: the following are some ideas about all of this distilled from Melanie and others for my own clarification- I print in case this might be useful. It’s a lil disorganized too.

    Re: Narcs have it all. If you are thinking this way, you are not seeing with all of yourself. I literally just got out of the illusion tonight, and all of a sudden I understand the depth of the illusion and how deeply this illusion permeates American culture, and how deeply it permeated so much of my own mind. But it is an illusion, and there is part of yourself that the illusion can not, will never touch. There is part of you that knows that you are so much more than even the grandest things the narcissist may have promised you, may have said, with all the power of his own deluded convictions. There is part of you that remembers how much more powerful you felt before you ever tried on any of the cheap goods the narcissists tried to sell… Narcissists sell items which glitter and are not gold- temporary fixes, temporary “love”, schemes and fame and lottery tickets, with the promise that everlasting happiness and love will be the reward. They know they are charlatans, because they know their spirits have only brought unhappiness to themselves- they know their product doesn’t work. They are looking in desperation for others to prove that their entrenched way is right, because they have already proven themselves wrong.
    And if you think you failed at anything with the narc, it’s likely, that you actually succeeded. Why? because the best part of you, the part you may have willfully forgotten, wanted that story to end dramatically enough that you would never play at happiness again, but have the real thing.
    Because anything you would-have should-have created with them would have been subject to the same laws of TEMPORARY you’ve been circling in and out of all your life. You, like they themselves, would have been tiptoeing on the high wire with two broken ankles hoping the audience wouldn’t notice.
    The spirits of forcing, ignoring, hiding, opposing, controlling are all one. And you can only create a temporary peace with force.
    If you ever believed in a narcissist, you know that belief was frought with doubt- with disapproval, non-acceptance. You were fighting yourself, so it would always be temporary.

    They are in permanent fight with themselves, so there will never be peace. You felt that energy, and you excused it as “exciting” or “special” or whatever your excuse was.

    You can have everything too. But when we are whole we do not NEED IT.

    A lot of Narcissists are successful because that’s all they can be- they will never have the ultimate power of love, so they can be needed and controlling instead.

    The energy of the N is the energy of violence- the energy we reach for when we need to control something fast.

    But we do not need anything. Then we can choose.

    There is this old english word, “wanting” meaning “lacking” and it is so great, so true- when you feel you need something, you will remain without it.

    Ns are need, want, lack. No matter how it looks to anyone, you know this, because you felt it. If you cut away your dreams of future, and your fears from past, you will see that the NOW of narcissism was ALWAYS violent.

    If any part of you believes the N was pretty great, you are still trying to escape yourself, but there is nothing to escape- you are beautiful just as you are, before you have acquired anything at all. The fact that our parents may not have seen this doesn’t mean you have to perpetuate the non-seeing, the hate.

    We all deserve more than what the narc could give. Attachment to a narc is just need, it really is. Please don’t beat yourself up, for anything. Once you understand the whole truth you will realize how much you were up against.

    Don’t think your susceptibilities to abuse make you less than in any way- they are the the same susceptibilities which are the susceptibilities to love, music, beauty- you wanted to have these things faster than they came, you imagined you had them- it was a susceptibility of imagination- one of the greatest assets on the planet.

    So don’t punish yourself as I did if at all possible- use your imagination in a new way to believe that you will have everything in its own time, exactly as it is supposed to be.

    It is no less true than the familiarity of lack, even if you don’t feel it yet.

    xoxo.

  22. Wow. This is exactly what I’ve been looking for – this feeling you describe! I’ve been really aware lately of how much I crave someone to “cuddle” me and “have my back” unconditionally, and how scary the world feels. I’m familiar with self-love, of course, but usually I can’t really feel it enough to satisfy the need. Combining it with your technique might be what can really make the change.

    I can’t wait to feel the warmth and security of unconditional love from myself!

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