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In the last Empowered Life and Love Article I talked about the feelings that we experienced from triggers.

These were to do with our past – and specifically our unresolved inner wounds which are causing us to be triggered by outside events.

This article is to do with the other kind of feelings we can experience – the feelings from our inspirational self.

Within this article you will start to understand the difference and how much freedom you can gain in your life from releasing your unresolved inner wounds and flowing into your inspirational self.

To understand the purpose of our intuition and the call of life to move forward – to grow, to expand, to evolve and to align with our True Self (our full potential), we need to understand some spiritual (vibrational) concepts.

In order to go through these, I want to retrace a bit into the last article in regard to triggered feelings.

 

Moving Forward… Or Not?

All of us know what we don’t want to experience. Our personal life experience has granted us this information. This information allows us to decide ‘what it is that we want.’

Generally we have got that part of it sorted out logically. Yet knowing ‘what we want’ often doesn’t net the real life results. The reason being is we may still be stuck in the energy of what we don’t want.

When we understand that we are energetic beings having a physical experience we need to understand that the system of life is NOT logical – it is vibrational. We all live in a focus inclusive energetic system. What this means is that wherever your emotional focus and attention goes will be in your experience.

Let’s say you know you don’t want a,b,c and d in your life. You have experienced them before and they weren’t pleasant. This is logical. However your energy regarding remembering these things, resenting these things and looking out for these things, as a statement of “No I don’t want these things!” means you are in fact saying “YES!” to these things.

The truth is you still think about them and feel pain and fear about them. They are still your vibrational experience and life is going to keep delivering them to you (real and imagined) which supplies you with the painful triggers meaning – I have unhealed inner parts that are not serving me in relation to the new direction I want my life to go in.

If this is the case you are not moving forward. You are not changing the patterns and programs of your past; you are reliving them, re-attracting them and continuing to vibrate as a match for them over and over again.

You have no option in this until you clean up your emotional vibration on the inside regarding these topics..

 

How Our Emotions Communicate Our Progress

When we are stuck in emotional pain, or it is in repeat, or there are aspects of our life emotionally unresolved, this is the signal that lets us know we are powerless at this moment to break the patterns and create a different future.

We certainly do not have inspired feelings / thoughts calling us forth into a different reality when we are stuck in emotional pain on these topics.

The normal human reaction is an attempt to change someone or something else in order to feel better and create better results.

In other words to make an outer adjustment rather than an inner one.

This is conditional living (powerless) – meaning if I can just CHANGE a ‘condition’ outside of me then I will have a REASON to feel better.

This is the ineffective, painful and hard way to go about it – and the results are downright futile.

This is not how we effectively create anything!

The truth is our emotions are not just letting us know where we are right now in relation to our goal – they are actually the creator (or not) of our goal.

There is only two ways our emotions are going to be. A version of ‘good’ or a version of ‘bad’. When we understand it is our vibrational (feeling) level creating our realities, we no longer ignore our emotions, and we can in fact get very in-tune with them and want to work directly with them.

We make getting our emotional wellbeing as healthy as possible our highest priority.

This is how it goes…

The closer we are right now emotionally to our goal of what we want (abundance, expansion, joy, fulfilment, authentic love etc.) the better we are going to feel. The further we are emotionally from what we want the more our emotions are going to register pain.

That is IT – that is your gauge.

Painful emotions tell us we off track and there is an inner adjustment to be made to get on track.

No outer adjustment is going to change your emotional programming – it is an inside job.

As you read more of this article you will understand further…

Now let’s look at inspired feelings as opposed to triggered feelings.

 

Inspired Feelings

Inspired feelings are the call of your True Self. These are the intuitions, the impulses, the inspirations, the ideas, the ‘messages’, the confidence, the flow, the synchronicities (I certainly don’t believe there is any such thing as ‘coincidence’), the ‘chance’ meetings, the opening, the joy, the pure feeling of creation, and the opportunities that all happen when we are in ‘flow’.

The interesting thing about life is this ‘flow’ does not happen all by itself, and then magically supply the wonderful feelings with it.

We have to understand that we are vibrational creators. If we are experiencing life lining it all up for us – and gone are the road blocks, delays and frustrations in our path – it is because on an inner level we have purposely (or accidentally) aligned with our True Self emotionally.

I like to think of this ‘flow’ as Who We Really Are (our true potential) calling us forward into the manifestation of more of ourself.

It is the call of expansion – the call of growth, well-being, joy, love and abundance. It is the energy that co-creates fortuitous event.

All of this is vibrational.

It is the bigger part of us (the vibrational non-physical part) which is connected to all of life pulling the strings to grant us the life we really do want to live.

 

How to Become This Flow

So how do we get into this flow of an inspired way of being?

To become this natural flow of Who We Really Are – at one with ourself and connected to life – we need to clear our resistance.

Which means the fear, pain, lack of deservedness, lack of self-love, being stuck in our past patterns, the not trusting ourselves and not trusting life. We need to release our victimhood, our non self-acceptance, our self-judgement, our powerlessness and our focus on the outside of making other people and situations responsible for our vibration – which they never were or can be!

This journey is absolutely about taking full responsibility for what frequency you are vibrating at, and knowing this is not about other people, who they are or who they are not, or what they are or are not doing.

It’s a personal journey of self.

I share the exact steps to complete this journey of self and claim your true potential in the Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course.

We need to understand that when we are clogged up with ‘junk’ (unresolved inner wounds) we are not going to be clean enough to be this vibration. We also need to firmly understand that when we are focused on the things about people and situations that we don’t like or don’t want in our experience then we clog ourselves up with their junk that has now become our junk!

And we KEEP attracting it into our life experience.

It actually has nothing to do with them, and EVERYTHING to do with ourself.

If we are honest with ourself, we can self-reflect and take note of where we are right now in relation to where we want to go.  If we have delays, blocks, frustrations and pain (inner and / or outer) we know that we have blocks on the inside preventing us from being in flow.

 

How to Tell the Difference Between Triggered Feelings and Inspired Feelings

There is a very simple formula to know whether or not you are experiencing feelings (cues) that are repeats of your past, or ones that are a true call to your future.

The ones from your past are ‘calls’ generated from your ego (lower self).

The ones calling you forward into your future authentically are signals from your inspired (higher) self.

To know the difference requires your self-reflection and emotional honesty, which is essential if you want to purposefully and consciously create your life.

This is how to know…

When you get a thought / feeling about ‘doing’ something, feel into how that ‘idea’ feels to you before you take action.

Is this ‘idea’ launched as a result of you not feeling good about yourself, by wanting to ‘do’ something that will gain you energy from the outside in order to make you feel more lovable, safe, whole or worthy?

Is this action a retaliation, a reaction or something you want to do to try to offset even more pain, insecurity, emptiness or loss?

Is your intention coming from a place of fear?

If it is then you are operating from ego – your lower self. These are you past painful patterns expressing themselves and creating more of these patterns in your life.

Also ask yourself this “Where am I emotionally right now? Is this idea or choice an attempt to escape this pain or fear?”

A common example of this is trying to force someone to grant you the love and attention you are not providing for yourself, or trying to create a new love relationship to escape the pain and the loneliness of being single.

This is attempting to change or manufacture energy outside of you in order to overcome inner feelings of emptiness, fear, self-rejection and powerlessness.

You can be sure if this is how you are feeling – that any ideas or choices you make are emanating from your past painful programming. This means in the attempt to escape the pain you are only going to repeat the patterns by manifesting more of the same pain.

Okay so here is the difference if you are experiencing inspired feelings.

First of all there is ONE essential ingredient…

That is: You are emotionally non-reliant on anything outside of you changing or supplying you with ‘reasons’ to feel good. You have worked out how to purposefully feel good and vibrationally align with the creation of your life.

So the question is ‘How was I feeling at this time of the idea? Was I already feeling full, whole, self-loving and solid on the inside?’

There is another very big defining factor. Which is ‘I know right here, right now I am in the perfect place regardless of the circumstances. I am in total gratitude, love, acceptance and appreciation of this and myself – and from this space I wish to co-create with life with joy.’

If this is the position you have reached emotionally, this means ‘I am emanating the energy of expansion and joy and creating more of me in the world.’

A common example of being in flow is to grant yourself love, attention and wellbeing, and then sharing that with the important people in your life.

Another example is working diligently at becoming the fullness of self-love and acceptance that you wish to have reflected back to your from a future love partner and feeling the joy of what this feels like whilst purposefully manifesting a new relationship.

This is the expanding of already existing ‘fullness’, it is an expression of powerfulness and creates ‘more for that’.

It is un-conditional which means ‘I am a powerful vibrational creator who is the energy of creating the conditions I wish to live, with no need to change any outer conditions  to accomplish that.’

The truth is you never can, never have been able to, or ever had any right to.

That is what true authentic power is – as a total acnowledgement that you in fact the creator of your life from the inside out.

It stands to reason that if you are still carrying inner junk, unhealed wounds and unresolved pain, and trying to change people and conditions outside of you to stop the pain, that it would be a lot more automatic to operate from a place of emptiness rather than a place of fullness.

Many people confuse their intuition with their ego – simply because they have not understood yet the different intentions that are synonymous with our limited (egoic) or higher (inspirational) self.

It is very important to understand that if you are operating from your ego (fear and limitations) – you are not tuned in to the frequency of your inspired (higher) self. You are on a different wavelength and you will not hear or choose the cues. Life is butting up against you rather than flowing in harmony with you.

You see life is not meant to be a struggle – it is not meant to be battles, strain, angst, road blocks, detours, pain, fear and repeat patterns.

It is all about our vibrational wellness and how we co-create with life. It is the knowing that you do have the personal power to purposefully emotionally create your life.

 

The Steps to Connect With Inspired Feelings

If we clean up our inner business, then the outer business starts flowing and we become a direct match for the wellbeing, love and abundance we really want to experience in our life.

It all starts matching up.

But we have to be inwardly emotionally healthy, self-loving, and self-deserving enough to inspire and receive these messages, cues, support, fortunate events and ultimately manifestations in our life.

It is our natural birth right to operate and receive at this level. It is a total illusion that you are cursed, unacceptable, flawed, not deserving, can’t have or are meant to be punished.

These are only your limiting beliefs you decided to accept along the way – and these are only some of the limiting beliefs you need to transform in order to co-create harmoniously with life.

Here are the steps to achieve being in flow

1) Work hard to make 100% peace with where you are right now.

This means creating as much fullness, gratitude and joy with what you presently have (no matter what it looks like) without needing anything from the outside to feel better. If you don’t achieve this whatever you resist will persist.

You think you are saying ‘NO’ to your conditions by not accepting them – whereas your focus on what you don’t like about them is saying ‘YES’ to them.

You cannot create anything new in your life until you have reached full acceptance that where I am right here right now is perfect.

2) Clean up the old stories that trigger you with pain

This means you need to reconcile, heal and let go of your past.

This can never be achieved by changing or removing something or someone on the outside of you. This pain is to do with unhealed wounds within you.

The pain is telling you these inner parts require your attention.

We have to understand fully our inner IS the creator of ‘the outside’.

You need to be-come what you wish to receive.

When you BE it – it will COME. Because the bigger most expansive part of yourself (trying to call you forward into your new life) already IS wellbeing, love and abundance. Now all you need to do in order to start flowing towards Who You Really Are is to release your resistance.

One of Neale Donald Walsh’s famous expressions is this – You are a human ‘being’ – not a human ‘doing’.

What this means is – when you get the being part right, the doing and getting becomes effortless, joyous and inspired. There will no longer be a monumental battle of trying to pit yourself against life to try to win and exhausting and damaging yourself in the process.

You and life are supposed to be ONE.

If this article helped you please let me know in the comments.

 

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50 thoughts on “How To Connect To Your Inspired Self

      1. Melanie. You are so wise and you have helped me so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your experience and wise insight helped me gain the knowledge and perspective of this disorder and knowledge is power – which has given me the empowerment to take care of myself when these predators cross my path. I am very well aware when I am targeted now and this is all because you put a name to the pattern that has repeated so many times in my life. No more! Never again!

  1. Hello Melanie,

    I am using Quantam F and am finding out that when i experience deep pain, it might take time to get to the root of it, i.e. repeating modules but the stuff eventually shifts!!!!!!!!!!It just takes work and acceptance that i deserve the effort and work

    What i wanted to share is that i am beginning to experience moments when am just “flowing” and i just want to become more of this as during these moments i feel energized, loving, adoring and just full..

    I know you have heard this many times but your information saved my life. I thank God for helping me connect with you cause i was devastated, lost, hurting like hell, life was a living hell. I nearly crashed my car while driving cause i was so disoriented, unsteady and dissociated……

    I keep doing the work cause i nearly died and i know am deserving of life..

    Thank you Melanie

    1. Hi Rachel,

      this is fantastic that you have dug deep, found beliefs, stuck at it and kept shifting!

      That truly is the name of the game, because if there is a lot of pain and fear it is very hard to just ‘be in flow’…Its like trying to move straight from powerlessness into powerful – and is near impossible with ‘junk’ creating resistance.It’s too big a gap to close.

      Yay – keep going because you will open up to more and more flow and it gets easier and easier to think and feel as this flow and maintain it without the junk!

      And it starts gaining more and more momentum until you can literally feel the expansion and excitement of your True You calling you forward!

      Yes you totally 100% deserve – everyone does – but we need to be a vibrational match to experience this deservedness.

      You are so welcome Rachel! Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  2. This article was very powerful to read tonight.. I am so grateful for what you have shared with all of us.. Blessings & Light, Marina

  3. Hi Melanie 🙂

    This article is so true, I truly feel in alignment with my inspired feelings more and more these days as I’m working the empowered self course and healing within!! I was thinking earlier this evening how my thoughts are softer and kinder within, I am not experiencing the negative self talk that I used to feel tormented by, what a precious gift… And life is still life, but I’m at ease and traveling lighter and with comfort – trusting I am exactly where I should be and grateful for it all! Joy and abundance feels like a knowing opposed to a desire…

    Thank you! I had no idea I could feel this way, trust unconditionally in myself and life ~ I’ve been dedicating every day to healing my inner wounds since I met you in January and each day continues to be filled with greater peace and appreciation for being alive. Please know I am truly grateful for all your help. I recommend this solution to anyone who finds themselves exploring Melanie’s programs.

    Hugs,
    Bethleigh

    1. Hi Bethleigh,

      you should be so proud of how far you have come in such a short space of time!

      Yay when you hit ‘knowing’ you are ‘right in the pocket’ – you are totally moving towards and claiming your True Self – it ‘just is’, and that is the goal – ‘I am happy with life right now and expectant and excited about more’.

      This is fantastic that through intense dedication you have completely turned your life around from the inside out – and this is exactly what I mean by ‘healing is not a timeline – it is state’, and it certainly does not need to take decades of cognitive therapy (it actually never happens that way anyway)…because self spiritual development is always an inner job – it is not a mind job!

      I am so happy for you and you are so welcome Bethleigh 🙂

      Mel xo

  4. Hi Mel! Well, recently I had been struggling with confidence issues, destroyed by the narc or ‘me allowing him to destroy my confidence’ and even before I met him, I know I had issues with being able to confidently act on my inspirations and do what I wanted to do.

    Since working with NARP, I am getting more confident. Today I jumped in the car and went to my new gym I have been wanting to join and I loved it! Initially I was nervous and shakey walking in there plus driving to a new place (new city) I had never been before and so was hesitant. I listened to my instincts and felt into what I really wanted to do, and I conquered the fear. Spent 2 hours working out on lovely new machines, talked to a couple of other new members and just had fun.

    Years ago, I trained at my health club for 9 years, made many friends. When I got involved in my narc relationship, I lost my confidence, stopped going to the gym, became sick with many physical issues and depression, developed agoraphobia and so on. Since leaving him, it is all starting to come back to me, the inspiration, the knowing, the truth of what I want from life and all of it is now working for me.

    It takes great effort to recover from narc abuse, but it is the best way back to life possible.

    I have even joined Landcare Australia, and want to work as a volunteer with Wildlife rescue and will be attending some courses to do that. Before I started healing, it was only a dream and I was terrified to try, as I was just unable to function.

    So everyone, feel into what you want, work daily toward your goals, clear out the crippling junk that is intoxicating our cells and get into life. Every day is a gift. xxxooo

    1. HI Jac,

      how fantastic that you have hit that level of confidence. When we are at one with ourself, we do become at one with life. We are pleased to be in our body, in life and feel nurtured, loved and respected by ‘life.

      This is totally the gift regarding healing our inner wounds which co-created narc abuse (and narc abuse absolutely showed them up for us) – that we are able to claim a higher level of being than we ever could – even way before narc abused happened.

      Oh yes – every effort is SO worth it – what greater worthiness and self-love is there than dedicating that effort to ourself?

      Yes life is an incredible joyous gift every day when the junk gets less and less.

      It just gets more and more divine, and this all starts on the inside, and then starts showing up with abundance from the outside.

      Mel xo

  5. …there is so much I want to do this life, I could burst! The old horse riding muscles had a work out today Mel, as you could relate 😀

    I am so greatful to QFH and when you are ready Mel, I am with you to shout it to the world. xx

  6. Yes hun I am ready to do this – big time!

    Things are in process already and opening up and manifesting, and I would of course love yours and the communities support 🙂

    Bless you 🙂

    Mel xo

  7. Hi Mel,
    This article was really great to read. Its not quite 2 months since I last saw my husband and my focus has been to reflect on my self and heal the inner wounds that have held me back for so long. I’m learning to release, to face my fears and to also explore what my wants and needs are for the future. What you’ve expressed about the ego and higher self is so empowering. Thank you for this article. I know I will read it again x

    1. Hi Tatiana,

      That is great the article has helped – and you are so focused on healing you, releasing and clearing the inner space to connect to what you do want in your life.

      You are very welcome! 🙂

      Mel xo

  8. HI Melanie,
    I felt a bit stuck trying to find a way to begin the quanta freedom course because of not having a pc of my own so I have decided to just print everything off so I can go deeply into the exercises at home in privacy rather than doing them in the library or internet cafe.I have been keen to get going on it but there seemed to be a bit of resistance. I think that mentally I have felt some resistance to reading all the information because something in me remembers how I just read book after book after book trying to heal my problems intellectually in the past and it brings up something in me that feels I was only doing that so I could be better than everyone else rather than doing it for me, which is a bit like taking any form of addiction like smoking or gambling and having that compulsion applied to my spiritual growth and development. It made me go way over the top and trying to do it all on my own .you read alot of stuff about becoming self empowered and self sufficient and I think I just got carried away by my ego especially with courses that promise accelerated healing.I can feel and see with my inner eye the imprints that need clearing. I do know , but something in me wants to say I don’t know how I ended up in this mess , I feel like a computer that has been given the wrong instructions to carry out certain functions.I feel that progress has already been made and I am moving forward and I am looking forward to bringing more gunk out of the recesses of my mind to be transmuted. Thanks for your support,

    Andrew

    1. Hi Andrew,

      remember that in doing processes, this is not simply about reading and gaining information – you will actually be clearing exactly the compulsions, fears and self-judgements that are coming up and creating resistance.

      So it does not matter what the motivations, fears and stresses are, simply by following the processes they will release..

      Have you been able to get the QF Healings on to a listening device? Because this is where the true healing power is.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi melanie,
        I’ve got the healings on a memory stick and after I have completed the workbook for the first module I will be able to borrow my housmates computer to do the healing. It says I must complete the workbook to each module before listening to the healing.I expect to be listening to the first healing by a week on monday which should give me enough time to work through all the exercises in the workbook, it may take a little longer , I don’t want to rush it.Since I made the last post things have become clearer , I think that I have in many different ways tried to be something I’m not in terms of my career and I think I have mentioned this before but I have a gay man inside me so I keep getting this strong feeling that I am gay. I know I am definitely not gay , I might be bisexual , but I have read that this could be related to the brother I lost while in the womb. You know the strange thing is that over the years whenever I have read in my horoscope that romantic affairs are prominent, 8 times out of 10 there will be a gay man around that I can tell likes me.It’s so confusing, I mean I might even be suppressing stuff that belongs to my brother or my father. I hope to have more clarity on this and more self acceptance because my power is in there somewhere and it is mine to own along with self beleif.Thanks melanie for your ongoing support,

        Andrew

  9. Hi Melanie:
    Synchronicity is definitely playing a role in my life at this time. One of my most-feared triggers is passive-aggressive behavior. My mother (who’s a Malignant Narcissist)has engaged in this very abusive behavior towards me ever since I can remember.
    Recently my business partner just began engaging in this behavior by refusing to return my phone call and interacting with me. The phenomenon about this is that when someone did this to me in the past, I would cringe and try to do whatever I could to ‘change their behavior towards me.’ I know now that I’m in the flow because I have decided to break off this business relationship and start a new business on my own (something I’ve been wanting to do for months now but was afraid to because my business partner told me that she could not ‘hold things together’ without me.
    Thus, I reluctantly stayed in a situation that took away my joy so that I could make her happy.
    My health has been suffering lately because of this. But now that my worst fears have been realized, it gives me an opportunity to finally free myself from this negative pattern of behavior.
    I have typed up a letter to deliver to my business partner tomorrow notifying her that I was leaving. I have already notified my clients of my decision to leave.
    I feel so empowered by making this decision and have learned that it does not serve anyone when I stay in a joyless situation for the sake of making someone else feel better about their situation.
    We are all on our journey towards enlightenment, and each person is responsible for her own evolution.
    Thanks, Melanie, for this very informative article.

    1. Hi Lotus,

      that is wonderful that you are no longer handing your power over and now being true to your Inner Self…

      This is huge progress and wonderful stuff when an old pattern is released like you have just done…

      Thank you for your lovely share!

      You are very welcome, and it is so true that self-responsibility for everyone’s own journey is crucial.

      That way the bondage ceases and true freedom exists for all involved.

      Mel xo

  10. Hi Melanie,

    Perfect timing yet again! Every time I take a backward step in my journey within a short time of the negative feelings starting to take over, there you are with the perfect article to make me stop and take a look at what’s going on inside of me.

    One thing I don’t understand is, when I am at a low point (I’ve just had a very large plumbing bill that I wasn’t expecting that is now creating financial hardship) I start having bad thoughts about the ex narc! What’s with this? I’m intelligent enough to know he did not cause this, I’m in this situation because I let him walk all over me for way too many years before I got out.
    I get that it is my lower self, I started your program a few years ago now and I’m usually doing really well, but when the going gets really tough, that’s where my mind heads. The ex narc was/is a very negative person, and when ever anything went wrong, life was hell on a stick. Have I become like him.

    Thanks so much.
    Roxanne

    1. Hi Roxanne,

      Ok to allow you to understand this – by association your subconscious has assimiliated the connection with the narc when ‘things go wrong’. Hence why you have a powerful charge on it.

      This has nothing to do with your logical mind – who knows ‘logically’ he is no longer around – and he didn’t cause it.

      This is a perfect example of how our subconscious programs are not ‘logical’ and can’t be healed by simply ‘logically’ knowing the logical facts – the emotional charge (program) persists nevertheless.

      So the trick is to stop trying to deal with this logically, take the emotional ‘charge’ to a QF Healing session and release and transform it at the subconscious level – and then the trigger will not be there anymore.

      It hurts because it is calling for your attention to heal it.

      What you will find on this – is that it is an old ‘story’ that got programmed even before the narc – a fear of punsihment or people being angry when ‘things went wrong’…this has deeper origins that you can set yourself free from.

      Trying to do that ‘in your mind’ is the wrong direction to take…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  11. Thankyou Melanie for your powerful information. My life has become more empowered through the understanding of who I Am …..the healing that needs to take place and the hard work it is taking for me to get to where I am now. Words cannot express enough my humble appreciation to have the opportunity to best snle to login onto your site and learn so much. I have been able to come out of isolation of acute narcicist abuse. I am lucky to be alive. How could you ever know …..Melanie- how much your work has helped ……if they didn’t share. I have more work to do….however…I am making great progress.

  12. Melanie…
    Thanks for spending your time sharing your wisdom. I a new to this site and had never head of NPD until recently. A friend sent me a link to the do after an insane recent break up.

    My ex told me he was unhappy with me and leaving after five years together of overall a good relationship…It seemed beyond odd as it was out of no where…i did a little research and was in total disbelief to discover that he immediately moved in with another woman ( his physical therapist) and that they were together…I then discovered numerous lies he had told me early on in our relationship…wow!

    He fits many of the NPD descriptors but was never a name caller or physically abusive, was not materialistic ( prob more miso bc we could not afford it ) and was not the life of the party…(had to be the enter of mayo world buyout other ppl he thought were lesser and preferred to stay to himself).

    He was brilliant inismmanioulations though settingnthingsup early on stating how he had been lied to cheated on and tricked into a pregnancy by his ex wife…bad parenting ( partially true)… Raised himself…always headed to be self reliant…grew up overweight and bullied…all of these confessions to selp rationales for jealousy, antisocial heavies, obsessions with looks/weight/food, fear of commitment etc…and Intookmtheand loved that he was “letting me in”. We went to therapy and I think he even tried …but just could not ‘get’ the empathy part. Maybe at some points he was trying but he in the end was either a rocking actor here to or jst did not have whatit takes … overall he kept up walls…

    Anyway, I was duped…I would have never guessed the lying and cheating going on. It is so cunning, evil and unair.

    I see he is so much more broken than I had ever thought.

    I cannot say for sure, but I think he left in the end b/c I did have some boundaries I would not compromise for him (especially financially), i was pushing to ‘be emotionally closer’ , i had told him i needed to know what he wanted bc i was tired of feeling like he did not accept me ( that i was never enough) and I told him that he needed to put some effort into figuring out what made him happy ( and not always put it on me/ expect me t o know what he I’d not even know)… i guess that was unacceptable…especially the financial stuff which kept surfacing.

    Unlike most posts ive read, He has not tried to contact me…he basically cut me off. He changed his gym, his grocery store… His everything to be away from me b/c I am now the enemy. He is in the new relationship which he told me was an unexpected whirlwind romance.

    I was pissed bc to him this was his only solution…was not cheating…etc etc.

    He old me he couldn’t stay to work things out bc our relationship was too broken bc he no longer felt I loved or prioritized him ( bs) …he did mention for a second that he was tired of fighting to be happy and maybe he was broken, he was not sure….really, you think?

    I was oddly relieved at the weight lifted ( from an undercurrent of never feeling good enough, the pressure to make him happy, jealousy, OCD issues, etc) …but devastated at the loss of my “future” …my “love” and the many loving things he did do for me.

    I assume he planned to put this all on me and leave me here suffering…but like I said, since it made no sense ( bc I know all I did for him, accepted, prioritized etc) I was diligent and discovered the cheating, lies NPD & thank goodness bc at least that made some sense. And did not let him ride off thinking he still got to look like the good guy.

    I am less than two months out & I think doing well…still mixed up emotionally and fighting the cognitive dissonance of who is was vs who I thought he was. Also having a hard time with the unfairness & irrational disgust that he is so easily with someone lose…all normal I think. I am taking care of me…working to heal.

    I do tend toward codependency. I have worked on this a lot. I know I accept more than I should in the name of loyalty and love and I see now that with the wrong person This is a flaw. I thank my ex bc my boundaries improved bc of him ( he was always pushing me to be more like him…set boundaries and not worry if they hurt people…be less forgiving…and more selfish) .

    I know that at the core, I fear being alone, being unloveable. I have a mother who is married to a borderline type…a father who loves conditionally and is probably some type of PD also…maybe even slightly N. I am aware of my weaknesses. I have focused on these things. I spent years in tx for a eating disorder ad then to learn to accept me,meet boundaries for a previous ex (who was abusive and with whom I share a child) etc…

    I see this relationshipas improved from the previous, but I do not want to attract anything like this again. How do I ‘ fix these pains’ as my previous fixes were apparently not ‘enough’ . I see them…accept them as there…I have journaled, done art work, talked, focused, done child work, worked ‘Keeping the love you find’ by harville Hendrix…I have read Gary’s material…etc etc. I know rationally that I am worthwhile, that I can take care of me, that I am love able…I am a great unique person and my ex is a fool for not seeing how much I loved and accepted him and that if he had any strength in himself, he could have healed here..I KNOW these things, ..but how to I feel them deep inside.

    Can you help me with that? How to make my knowledge that I’m ok…worthy…love able…etc, PART OF MY BEING.

    I don’t want to accept things out of fear I will be abandoned anymore. I want to be in a relationship where i compromise by choice, not fear…where I can stand up for what i need/ will accept andI have a partner who respects that…where I am ENOUGH as I am … And looking back , I cannot say I did that or had that or felt that.

    TY

    1. Hi Elle,

      You are very welcome.

      Yes it ceratinly does sound that with you creating boundaries and no longer taking responsibility for his issues that you were calling him to ‘grow’ and take responsibility for his own emotions and conditions and he decided not to step up into that space.

      It is very important that you realise this is not because you are not worthy of love, this may well be because he simply did not have the resources to do so.

      Please know there are absolutely narcissists who know when the game is up – that you will no longer allow what has been happening – and there is no point in them trying to extract energy and self-avoid with you anymore.

      Narcissists need to self-avoid and be non-accounatble and when that is called on and becomes necessary then they cannot continue a relationship with you.

      Truly as hard as that abandonment may feel, know it is a much better healing space for you to be in, not being hoovered. And please know that when you heal and claim your personal power, deservedness and worth you will know that ‘what was’ was incredibly less than a healthy authentic soul partnership.

      Being told you are not good enough constantly is NOT unconditional love. What this is – is : “I don’t feel good about myself, and I am not expressing myself honestly, I feel ‘not good enough’ about me – but by trying to CHANGE you I may be able to feel better.”

      THAT formula never works in relationships – and he will continue to play it out over and over again in any relationship he procures, until he realises the person who feels ‘not good enough’ and ‘unworthy’ is in fact himself.

      If he has NPD he will never come to this realisation and the cycle will continue – so be grateful you can now heal and break that cycle for you.

      Ok so you have understood and claimed your own powerless inner fears of being abandoned, being unlovable and being unworthy …and this is exactly the dynamic that led you into a relationship with someone who mirrored these inner fears, also wasn’t healing them (tried to get someone else to ‘fix’ them) and then blamed you for them.

      Your true healing is to spend your time with you out of relationships and heal these fears and deep beliefs (no more inner self-avoiding) – so that next time – the love partner you have in your space will reflect back to you through his eyes and his soul the love, acceptance and inner solidness you have created for yourself.

      This is so gorgeous that you know you WANT this so much!

      Big YAY!

      Now it is just a matter of you doing the inner work to become a match for this – and then SO it will be.

      It is Universal Law…totally.

      How to do this?

      My greatest recommendation is to start doing NARP – it is the direct path I created to heal these deep inner wounds, and it does have wonderful results.

      Mel xo

  13. Melanie
    Thanks for spending your time sharing your wisdom. I a new to this site and had never head of NPD until recently. A friend sent me a link to the do after an insane recent break up..

    My ex told me he was unhappy with me and leaving after five years together of overall a good relationship…It seemed beyond odd as it was out of no where…i did a little research and was in total disbelief to discover that he immediately moved in with another woman ( his physical therapist) and that they were together…I then discovered numerous lies he had told me early on in our relationship…wow!

    He fits many of the NPD descriptors but was never a name caller or physically abusive, was not materialistic ( prob more miso bc we could not afford it ) and was not the life of the party…(had to be the enter of mayo world buyout other ppl he thought were lesser and preferred to stay to himself).

    He was brilliant inismmanioulations though settingnthingsup early on stating how he had been lied to cheated on and tricked into a pregnancy by his ex wife…bad parenting ( partially true)… Raised himself…always headed to be self reliant…grew up overweight and bullied…all of these confessions to selp rationales for jealousy, antisocial heavies, obsessions with looks/weight/food, fear of commitment etc…and Intookmtheand loved that he was “letting me in”. We went to therapy and I think he even tried …but just could not ‘get’ the empathy part. Maybe at some points he was trying but he in the end was either a rocking actor here to or jst did not have whatit takes … overall he kept up walls…

    Anyway, I was duped…I would have never guessed the lying and cheating going on. It is so cunning, evil and unair.

    I see he is so much more broken than I had ever thought.

    I cannot say for sure, but I think he left in the end b/c I did have some boundaries I would not compromise for him (especially financially), i was pushing to ‘be emotionally closer’ , i had told him i needed to know what he wanted bc i was tired of feeling like he did not accept me ( that i was never enough) and I told him that he needed to put some effort into figuring out what made him happy ( and not always put it on me/ expect me t o know what he I’d not even know)… i guess that was unacceptable…especially the financial stuff which kept surfacing.

    Unlike most posts ive read, He has not tried to contact me…he basically cut me off. He changed his gym, his grocery store… His everything to be away from me b/c I am now the enemy. He is in the new relationship which he told me was an unexpected whirlwind romance.

    I was pissed bc to him this was his only solution…was not cheating…etc etc.

    He old me he couldn’t stay to work things out bc our relationship was too broken bc he no longer felt I loved or prioritized him ( bs) …he did mention for a second that he was tired of fighting to be happy and maybe he was broken, he was not sure….really, you think?

    I was oddly relieved at the weight lifted ( from an undercurrent of never feeling good enough, the pressure to make him happy, jealousy, OCD issues, etc) …but devastated at the loss of my “future” …my “love” and the many loving things he did do for me.

    I assume he planned to put this all on me and leave me here suffering…but like I said, since it made no sense ( bc I know all I did for him, accepted, prioritized etc) I was diligent and discovered the cheating, lies NPD & thank goodness bc at least that made some sense. And did not let him ride off thinking he still got to look like the good guy.

    I am less than two months out & I think doing well…still mixed up emotionally and fighting the cognitive dissonance of who is was vs who I thought he was. Also having a hard time with the unfairness & irrational disgust that he is so easily with someone lose…all normal I think. I am taking care of me…working to heal.

    I do tend toward codependency. I have worked on this a lot. I know I accept more than I should in the name of loyalty and love and I see now that with the wrong person This is a flaw. I thank my ex bc my boundaries improved bc of him ( he was always pushing me to be more like him…set boundaries and not worry if they hurt people…be less forgiving…and more selfish) .

    I know that at the core, I fear being alone, being unloveable. I have a mother who is married to a borderline type…a father who loves conditionally and is probably some type of PD also…maybe even slightly N. I am aware of my weaknesses. I have focused on these things. I spent years in tx for a eating disorder ad then to learn to accept me,meet boundaries for a previous ex (who was abusive and with whom I share a child) etc…

    I see this relationshipas improved from the previous, but I do not want to attract anything like this again. How do I ‘ fix these pains’ as my previous fixes were apparently not ‘enough’ . I see them…accept them as there…I have journaled, done art work, talked, focused, done child work, worked ‘Keeping the love you find’ by harville Hendrix…I have read Gary’s material…etc etc. I know rationally that I am worthwhile, that I can take care of me, that I am love able…I am a great unique person and my ex is a fool for not seeing how much I loved and accepted him and that if he had any strength in himself, he could have healed here..I KNOW these things, ..but how to I feel them deep inside.

    Can you help me with that? How to make my knowledge that I’m ok…worthy…love able…etc, PART OF MY BEING.

    I don’t want to accept things out of fear I will be abandoned anymore. I want to be in a relationship where i compromise by choice, not fear…where I can stand up for what i need/ will accept andI have a partner who respects that…where I am ENOUGH as I am … And looking back , I cannot say I did that or had that or felt that.

    TY

  14. Hi Dawn,

    you are very welcome.

    That is so lovely you are turning to your power and light.

    Thank you I am having a lovely week – gorgeous weather to do yoga and walks with each morning, and lovely writing in nice cafes!

    Life is wonderful and we are blessed!

    Mel xo

  15. Hi Mel, despite my trying to heal inner wounds & recover & move forward, I’m still finding myself crying some days for the ‘idea of love’ that I’ve lost. 30 years + is a very long time to be with one person: a an who fathered my children & who we have grandchildren with (even though he has seemed to abandon us all) since he moved out 2 months ago. I have ckntinued to employ No Contact also but I feel that I would like to buy the NARP program. I use an iPad. If I buy the program will everything download ok?

  16. Hi Tatiana,

    Yes it is a long time – absolutely, and what you are feeling is totally understandable.

    Yes NARP can be downloaded to your iPad and we also help you with that if you do have any problems. The instructions are all provided.

    Mel xo

  17. Hi Mel

    I just want to reinforce your message to everyone. I have completed the NARP course and the self empowerment course over the past couple of years. Recently I started a new relationship and for a few months it seemed very enriching. Then cracks started to show and I reacted with old pain. My recent guy was certainly not a Narc, but probably best described as ’emotionally unavailable’ so the relationship became unfulfilling and I chose to end it. Which has brought up stuff that I clearly need to explore and internal pain I need to heal. I dont feel very good right now, so I’m looking inside myself for guidance about what to deal with first. Any advice you can provide would be appreciated.
    Thanks for your articles, I keep in touch with the site for your blessed insight, even though I dont always feel the need to read every blog. Alison

    1. Hi Alison,

      I’d love to help…so maybe give me some specific details…

      What the pain is showing you is that some part of you needs attention…this you understand. Have you taken ‘what hurts’ and deeply felt in to it in a healing Module.

      Mod 1 of NARP would do the trick…so that you can find, shift and transform what needs to.

      If you are stuck with this, you can grant me some details and let’s see if I can help.

      Mel xo

  18. You’re very welcome lovely lady!:)

    And truly set the vibration of moving forward into feeling better – that belief is powerful and will lead you there! And it is what you want….

    Remember this – the more it hurts the greater the shift and evolution on the other side – always!

    Mel xo

    1. Hi again Mel – interestingly I tried to play Module one of NARP and it wouldnt work – seems to have dropped off my computer somehow, but I thought Module 2 might help, so on I went. It was extremely painful and extremely enlightening. I am exhausted, but feel calmer and closer to my goal. Thank you again, I am so grateful the universe works in mysterious ways. Blessings to you and all the others on the site – QFH does work, and can be used again and again!!! Bravo Mel xxx

      1. Hi Alsion,

        wow that is so much commitment – honouring you and getting on to that asap! Bravo to you 🙂

        Fabulous and obviously so mean to be. I’ll send you Mod 1 again – so you do have it.

        That is the ticket truly – deeply feel the pain – don’t avoid or be scared of it and then experience the shift…then the pain and the associated beliefs transform!

        The inner you (the True You) is so relieved you acted on the ‘signal’ of calling for your attention.

        Great job and be proud of yourself!

        Mel xo

  19. Thank you for all your good work.

    I have been healing during a 6 month separation which is still ongoing, and have two amazing kids living with me who are also healing. Not sure if me ex is a Narc, but the psychological abuse is very real, and was distributed amongst the kids and I. Your program helps hugely.

    I am finding strength I didn’t know I had… Used to love life and beauty, and find it more and more again. I no longer care too much if the man I am still married to but separated from “changes” or not. In fact, maybe he is perfect as he is. The past years together with him have started feeling dream-like, no longer quite real. Does that make sense? So, whether we divorce or not I am feeling calm and peaceful about my own self and fine to be without him. I guess it is a kind of detachment from him, because I know my own worth now. I am just going to remain me, and give thanks for enjoying life and all the beauty & gifts here. I really like feeling happy! As a mom, I must ensure my kids live free also, and right now they are.

    I have to solve a financial puzzle, and sometimes I feel very confident, but other times really scared about that. Could I apply your work to my financial independence too? I have never been good at earning wads of dough, and now want to so as to support my kids and self honorably.

    Does it sound like good work to you? Could there be similar blockages on the money front as there are on a relationship front?

    Thanks –

    Val

  20. Hi Valerie,

    you are very welcome.

    That is great that you and yuour children are healing and NARP has been able to help you.

    I fully agree that abuse and ‘what isn’t working’ is not the experience we wish to live – and whether or not it is full blown NPD is really irrelevant – however there absolutely are aspects such as non-accountability, maliscious pay back behaviour, projection and pathological lying which is point blank narcissistic…however feeling abused and unhappy is still detrimental and all means healing from ‘the inside out’is required in order to create a different reality.

    This is wonderful that you have found your detachment, your serentity and your True Self. And it is terrific that you enjoy feeling happy – because it is our natural divine right to feel this way. Feeling unhappy is unnatural – hence why it feels so bad!

    Absolutely ANY aspect of our life that we feel resistance to and wish to improve does benefit from working on our inner subconscious beleif systems – WITHOUT EXCEPTION!

    That is what the game of life is all about shifting the inner limitations and fears and becoming the inner resonance of Who We Wish To Be and what we wish to experience in life.

    Then when we ‘be’ that state vibrationally / emotionally as our belief systems become aligned with what we wish to create – all of life starts creating the coincidences, the openings and starts to co-creatively fulfill our requests.

    This coupled with our resistance-free inspiration is a powerful combination – and it is our inner alignment which creates this magical formula.

    The new course QF Empowered Self Course is this step – to create your dream life after working through NARP…and you sound very ripe for that next step!

    Mel xo

  21. Hi Mel –

    I did not realize I was this far along. Are pleasant detachment, and happiness, the big clues?

    I used to have bad insomnia and panic attacks, but those have faded away. The kids used to be sick all the time, now they are healthy. I can’t do no contact due to kids and legalities, and wish to be amicable and respectful. I feel like a happy, free butterfly! Or maybe a beautiful rose with pokey thorns. 🙂

    How can I find out more about your new program?

    Blessings –

    Val

    1. Thank you Mel!

      I will check out the link, it feels really good. I think there is a wounded part of me that feels I do not deserve financial independence for some reason. Want to figure this out and be free!

      I had a dream last night that my “ex” came into the house as if he lived here again and I did not have the courage to challenge him. That dream leaves me feeling that I might never be able to have a healthy relationship with him because of our sad history together, and that no matter how much healing I do or how good I feel away from him I might still be triggered around him. Is this why you say one must simply move on? That’s OK with me. What matters is that my kids and I are safe. I’d rather love myself alone than be really miserable with him (or anyone else). Plus, when I am alone I have more time to play piano and harp 🙂

      Blessings-

      Val

  22. Hi Melanie, another brilliant article with profound insights. Been doing NARP for a few months now and repeated several of the modules. Come to an impasse recently, feel stuck and can’t seem to shift through. Feeling truly sorry for myself these days despite knowing these feelings come from ego and are not the real me. I would appreciate any words of advice.

    sincerely, A.

  23. Hi Angela,

    It’s really important to know that it is very usual to have been making great progress, and then ‘something’ big comes up that feels painful…

    This is so what happens with belief systems, we work hard at clearing painful ones, and we are going deeper and deeper, and all is going great and then BANG this ‘impasse’ comes.

    What you need to know is this is NOT an impasse – it is simply a big and heavy negative belief that has enough ‘space’ to show up consciously – hence the negative emotion you are feeling.

    All you need to do Angela is KNOW THIS – and KNOW that when you take this heavy, painful and stuck emotion to the QF Healing space, drop into it and ask ‘what is this about’ and start shifting it, you will break through to the next level – even better than the one before this ‘impasse’ arrived.

    The reason for why it is so painful and you have spiralled into ‘feeling sorry for yourself’ is because you have been trying to deal with this belief system (screaming out emotionally for your attention)through your logical mind – rather than taking it to the healing space and shifting it with the deep inner healing processes.

    Truly, you can get excited about this – because here is a fantastic opportunity to shift this painful belief and rise up to your next level of freedom, but you need to fully embrace it and go within to do this…

    Once you do, you will know exactly what I mean, and how important it is to train ourselves out of taking emotion pain into our minds – which only allows our ego to belt us around – or to just realise what is really going on – which FIRMLY IS that another defunct belief systems can get shifted and healed.

    And this is what changes a life of pain toward one of ‘heaven on earth’…

    I hope this helps.

    Mel xo

  24. Thanks Melanie, for your kind response. It does help,yes. I worked on Module 10 of NARP again and realise I’m definitely still stuck in victim mode which stems way back to my childhood (and maybe past lives too). Still expecting a fair bit of external validation as really had any and never quite been able to give it to myself 100%. Should I just continue to repeat NARP modules following my instinct and also do the forgiveness tasks? I’ve a feeling this may take some time yet but I’m willing to put in the work. Just impatient to feel empowered and self-sufficient finally.

    Many blessing to you.

    Thank you

  25. Hi Angela,

    Ok fantastic, now you are getting to the truth of the matter, what the blocks are and the beleifs that you need to shift. Ok I would use the goal setting Module of NARP and start setting up some goals of Who You Really Are, so that you can claim these truths, of being able to see yourself how your soul really does.

    You need to be a 100% Source of validation, love and acceptance to yourself…that is foundational – because energetically there is ‘no outside’…we can never receive from life and others what we are not connected to receiving from our own inner being…

    So the goal of ‘I am fully connected to the love, validation and acceptance of my inner self’ is an important goal to set, and then clear all resistance to this – that will make a huge difference…

    It is really important to work on the foundations before trying to create ‘more’…

    It will take some effort, but look at the wasted time, pain and heartache of life trying to create wellbeing and love from a place of faulty inner beliefs – I think the effort is TOTALLY the right choice 🙂

    And yes continue with forgiveness work too…

    Mel xo

  26. Thank you so much for helping all of us. I always look forward to your articles and know I’m not alone in this cruel situation. It’s difficult to not question yourself over and over what you did to be shunned by so many people. It makes you feel like a horrible person. I continue to view your website for inspiration and encouragement.

  27. Although, I have not left my spouse yet, I feel like a powerful person after reading this article. I need to heal my unhealed wounds and start taking full responsibility for myself. I have been blaming the wrong person. I need to read more about healing now. I had skipped over this site several times only to come back when I was ready to accept what I needed to hear. Thank You

  28. Hi Mel. Things are moving along nicely. Thank you for this article. I always love reading what you write and find it very encouraging. My kinesiology sessions are still unearthing old patterns and I seem to be moving from one chakra to another and back again. It was interesting that I had no solidity in my root chakra and when I had that balance, it is amazing what has transpired since. For the first time in my life I have been able to clear out stuff in my home and sort it out, give it away and send it all to where it needs to be. The only things allowed to stay are those things that reflect who I am now and what I actually need. It is sooooo good to be able to do this. I am aware that I need to be everything that I want in a partner and am busy working on me and my home. I have been on holidays and that is exactly how they have been spent; meditating,cleaning out, making beautiful, eating good food – the list goes on. Finally I have been able to get my roof repaired and the washing machine died. I am amazed at how easy it was to arrange for these things to be attended to and they are now complete. I am going forward in confidence and security more and more and I am the one doing all this. I am also finding that I am able to sense a N from a mile away. I recently had opportunity to make contact with an old boyfriend. When I was with him, he wanted to rush and asked me what I wanted with him. How would I know after only 3 weeks. When I made contact recently, there were 2 red flags; he wanted all the focus on him (1. What do you mean I haven’t contacted you – give me a break; I’ve been working my socks off. 2. After chatting amicably, “Well Suzanne, here is my phone No. If you want to be in touch, ring me and I will make myself available for you. Ha ha. Really! NEXT. I understand that he is not available and in the first instance when I was with him about 2 years ago, I did not have enough knowledge to know that it is all about him and never about me. I also understand now that he does not have room to relate because his first priority is to his work. I did not get involved at all this time and will simply keep away. My memories of my N ex-boyfriend are fading now too. It is like an old dream and I realise that I have learned wonderful things that are now helping me to be my best self. So the work continues and I am continuing to make myself and what is important to me, my first priority. Thanks Mel.

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