Christmas can be a challenge at the best of times …
You have to run around and try and buy everyone a thoughtful gift.
There’s busy roads and shopping malls.
There’s family and work get togethers.
But what about if there is a narcissist involved!?!
It’s no secret that narcissists probably exert their most horrendous behaviour during the festival season.
And if you aren’t prepared you could be in for a very painful holiday period.
During my narcissistic relationships just about anything could happen at Christmas … It was truly terrifying.
So I thought I’d put together a video for you, and share the things I’ve learnt over the years to ensure that you can manage your situation effectively, no matter which stage of recovery you are at.
I want nothing more than for you to have a safe, happy and fulfilling holiday period and I hope this video helps you achieve just that.
The Year 2015
What an incredible year it has been at MTE. Truly, if you had told me we would be where we are today when I started this mission back in 2007, I wouldn’t have believed you!
I still have to pinch myself sometimes, the fact that, humbly, I can make such an impact in so many people’s lives brings me incredible joy every single day.
I thought I’d finish off the last article of the year with some of the successes we have had this year. Successes that would never have been possible without the support, love and team that is what this astounding community is all about.
Back in 2014 we launched the NARP community forum. When it began we had only a few hundred members, now at the end of 2015 we have grown to 2500 registered NARP community members. This community has flourished beyond my wildest dreams. The support, love and encouragement you all provide to one another is nothing short of amazing. There are people from all walks of life, at every stage of recovery and each and every one of you are so special in your own way.
I want to say a special thank you to all our NARP community members and especially our moderators for contributing their time so selflessly to ensure that this community is the most powerful and effective narcissistic abuse recovery community in the world.
In early 2015 we built a new website which we felt was a far better reflection of our mission. We aimed to make it simple to use, give you instant access to the information you need and make it more visually appealing so that it truly reflects who we are as a community. So far we believed we have achieved that, but expect many more website updates to come in the future!
The New Life Newsletter has grown phenomenally over the last year and is now sitting at over 50,000 members. We think that is pretty incredible! If you are member of this newsletter I want to say a special thank you to you for being a part of this. I love sending you emails every single week and I’m so looking forward to doing it again next year.
If you aren’t yet a member of New Life you can sign up here.
Now to ThriverTV …
For some reason I had quite a big block around getting in front of the camera. I was carrying some very old fears around “exposure” and I found myself putting off video production for quite some time. So I decided to work on it with Quanta Freedom Healing and now I love making videos for you every week. I don’t experience any fear around it at all anymore!
We began ThriverTV in July this year and in just under 5 months we have grown to 200,000 video views a month! Wow! I can’t believe it. If you have liked, commented, shared or even just watched my videos I want to say thank you soooo much for spreading the awareness of the ‘Thriver Model’ with the world.
You can find my channel and subscribe to it here.
Because of ThriverTV, so many people are finding the answer, that there is a way to release victimhood and heal from abuse, so please keep sharing these videos!
Now, I just want to say that whether you are new to this community, or if you have been here for several years, I am so grateful that you are a part of this mission.
Together we are changing the way people used to try to heal from abuse. More and more people are realising that the old models are painful, arduous and in many cases doesn’t work, and that now there is a way to heal beyond abuse and experience a truly satisfying life.
One far superior to the lives we were living even before being abused.
Please know I am grateful beyond measure to have so many of us now standing with and for the Thriver Model!
See You In 2016!
Myself and the MTE team will be taking a much needed break from articles, radio shows and videos for the next month as we take some time out to relax and rejuvenate for the year ahead.
Please note: You can still purchase programs and connect to our support team for all your needs as normal.
I’m so excited for this following year. We have so many amazing plans that we can’t wait to share with you … I know together we are going to make it your best year yet!
Articles, radio shows and videos will resume as normal at the end of January.
From the MTE team – We hope you have a safe and happy holiday season and we will see you again very soon!
Hi Mel – thank you for your Christmas video on how narcissism plays out at this time of year. Spot on! I dealt with the scenarios you described for many years. After 31 years of marriage – this will be my first Christmas free from the repeated narcissistic abuse from my husband as we are now permanently separated. I endured all of the examples you provided so this Christmas is drama free to enjoy with my children and grandchildren and other family without the narcissist ‘stealing the show’. I’d like to take this opportunity to say how helpful your videos, emails and books have been. I’m now at the stage where I can thank ‘him’ for the valuable lessons I have finally learnt to be completely at peace with myself. So thank you Mel – and a peaceful love filled Christmas to you ?
Hi Titiana,
you are very welcome. That is wonderful that you now have Christmas free from this!
I am so pleased my material has helped you, and that you are now in gratitude.
That is so powerful!
Bless you and yours and Merry Christmas!
Mel xo
Thank you for this Christmas Video. It is spot on and explains exactly the trials n tribulations that me and my kids never understood at this special family time of year. All I can say, Is thank you for putting all this chaos into perspective and understanding all the damage that was caused,
Thank you thank you for all that you do! This Christmas video was EXACTLY what I needed to hear to be confident of what my husband and I decided to do for peace sake for his 2 kids I love! We have a court order that their mom refuses over the year to follow, I have always tried to get along help her understand but now I understand why all my attempts fail…. We cannot help her which has to some degree alienated and hurt the kids since we want to do what we think is fair and just for them BUT now I understand why it back fires! I have faith in God that he will help me detach, blessed start by simply coming across this video. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! Merry Christmas and may you continue to help those who need hear you.
Hi Stepmom,
It’s my pleasure … how fantastic that you are now going to detach and stop feeding it!
That is going to make such a difference …
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Mel xo
Hi !!! YOU ARE RIGHT !!!! How narcissis husband could derailed everything you consider sacred with MORAL STANDARD AND PRINCIPLES YOU ARE TAUGHT AND ADHERE TO !!!!! ESPECIALLY CHRISTMAS !!!!!!! I got the biggest SHOCK what that moron narcissist man had done to my life !!!! HE WAS HAVING AFFAIR WITH MY ONLY OLDER SISTER WHOM I TRUSTED AND LOVE !!!!! Both were committing ADULTERY !!!!! SO MUCH AS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR ME !!!!!! HE IS ABOVE ALL LAWS amd CONSCIENCE TO DO SUCH A DISGUSTING AND MOST DESPICABLE ACT WITH NO APOLOGY AT ALL TO ME AND TO THE FAMILY !!!!!! How can such PREDATOR EVEN EXIST in our world ????
Dear Victoria,
Melanie has a recent radio blog that wonderfully addresses your situation. Here it is:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2015/10/29/what-to-do-when-your-family-and-friends-dont-support-you
All the best in your healing journey,
DonF
Hi DonF,
thank you for your post to support Victoria.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas.
Mel xo
Hi Mel, your video let me smile inside once again, like any discovery I make through my Narp healing journey since August this year, when I found you. It is a further answer to my terrible doubts of the past when I was so confused and could not understand what happened and the behaviors of N. I could not understand why at Christmas time he always made something happen to damage the moment that should have been of joy and warmth, really. Now it is clear. And even if I still feel lonely sometimes, and periods like this, or summer holidays, somehow make me miss his presence, I absolutely know I am on the right way to come home to myself and create the totally different life I deserve. So my thanks can be never be enough for what you brought into my life in 2015. Thank You, thanks to the wonderful supporting staff around you from my deep heart and big big hugs to you all from Italy.
Hi Barbara,
the truth really does help set us free. I am so pleased all the pieces are falling into place for you and that you are on this healing path.
That is lovely that 2015 was such a powerful turning point for you Barbara, and you are so very welcome!
The team is amazing – we are all blessed by how incredible they are!
Merry Christmas to you and yours Barbara 🙂
Mel xo
Merry Christmas Mel. All good here. I am going to my aunt’s home tomorrow for lunch. She has a lot of N qualities and that cannot be helped, but she has invited me to share lunch and if we stick to innocuous topics, she is usually fine and we can have a good time. We are having crayfish amongst other delicious things for Christmas lunch and it will be a lovely time to simply sit on the verandah and watch the yachts on the river.
Personally, I have got myself delicious and huge prawns and lots of delicious fruit and chocolates to enjoy and also have plans to simply enjoy the early morning on my patio with all the lovely plants and birds singing.
This year, my daughter contacted me today and suggested that we meet for coffee and we shared a happy visit. It was positive and we hugged at the beginning and end of the visit.
I have also added to my animal family and have a new puppy called Willow and a beautiful little Ragdoll cross kitten that I think I am going to call Charlie. It is very comical to see Mojo, my male dog so besotted with this tiny creature with his tail wagging and him being so gentle with her.
So, it will be a much more relaxed Christmas than ones I have had in the past and self-partnering and nurturing my inner child and getting her the pets, has also made a huge difference.
Hope that you enjoy a wonderful Christmas with your family Mel as I am sure you will.
Hi Suzanne,
Merry Christmas to you too darl.
I know that you will handle your aunt very well, you have done so much development work on you!
That will be lovely by the sounds of the food and the scenery …
I just adore the way you do self-care … fantastic!
That is wonderful news about your daughter … I’m very happy for you.
Gosh Suzanne, how many pets do you have now?? Your family is amazing!! Mojo sounds adorable!
I have a lovely Christmas Day coming coming up in a few hours with my loved ones … best one ever thank you hun!!
Mel xo
Thank you so much for all you do to help others heal. You will never know how much you help me cope with the narcissist in my life. Two years ago at the end of the holiday season I told myself “never again” and that went towards my family and my narcissist. This will be my second Xmas alone, in a place I love, doing all the activities I enjoy. Others don’t understand why I choose to be alone on Xmas; this is the only way for me to have the peace I deserve. You are spot on regarding narcissistic behaviors during this time of year. Detachment is key. Thank you again Melanie and Merry Christmas.
Hi Jackie,
you are very welcome, I am so pleased my material helped you.
Wonderful that you are doing so well, and that you are looking after you beautifully.
Merry Christmas Jackie!
Mel xo
Thank you so much for what you do and for being you! You have helped me already more than you know and I’m just getting started. It’s a wonderful feeling, this sense of hope that you give when all other methods of overcoming the internal damage and fending off of the narc have failed. And this Christmas video – spot on from what I have already observed for the last six long years! This is the first Christmas that – through the monumental efforts of my grown sons and myself – that we have actually succeeded in getting my narc abuser out of MY house…it took over a year as the legal system was pretty much an epic fail here. In any case, this message was particularly timely for me – the ghost of Christmas’s past that reminded me of how horrid it was for all of us and how there is truly no hope that this would ever change. And it is also a wonderful reminder of how I can (and WILL) stay as detached as possible this Christmas while he lurks in the shadows and twists and turns attempting to get back into my (rent free for him) now lovely and peaceful home. Thank you so much!
Hi Sandy,
Bless! You are welcome and thank you for your lovely words. I am so pleased I could help.
It is so true Sandy that when we start unwiring and transcending who we were being, that we start to know we are going to feel better than we ever had previously … I know that is the path that you are on!
Great that you have this Christmas free! What a fantastic accomplishment. Stay strong!
Christmas blessings to you and your family Sandy.
Mel xo
Dear Melanie, Oh this is so so true. Your understanding is so profound and I thank you so much for your clarity. Detach Detach Detach !
Yes I will ! Bless you Melanie. Have a beautiful Christmas !
Hi Nicola,
you are so welcome. I am so pleased you really get this!
Bless you and yours too Nicola. Merry Christmas!
Mel xo
Melanie~~~ Your name was the first I mentioned at Thanksgiving during my “grateful for” speech. Again, as this new year arises, I find such incredible gratitude for you and this program. I’ve been working the modules for a year now and my life is brand new. My family of origin (which adopted me at birth) is no longer a part of my life and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I still do not know my “birth” family but I’m ok with that. My “new” family is small. . . it consists of my two boys and myself. I now realize that I am the “roots” of my family tree. What an honor!!!
My heart fills with joyful, grateful emotion when I think about you and reflect on the last year of my life. Tears well in my eyes as my appreciation for you cannot be put to words. I will never forget 2014 and how the miracle of connecting with you, working on myself, and finding joy in getting to know myself has made my life a happy one. Thank you. . . Thank you. . . Thank you. . . . . . .
Best Wishes! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Blessings!
~~Namaste~~
LeAnne
Hi LeAnne,
that is so sweet … I am just so happy I could help.
That is so wonderful that NARP has helped you so much!
I adore how you have healed. come to peace and taken on this honour – it is profound!
Awww I feel your heart – and please know we are all in this together soul sister … you have done an amazing job!
And please know I am so grateful for you too.
Thank you and Merry Christmas ad Happy Holidays to you and your boys dear lady!
Mel xo
Thank you Thank you Thank you! This is exactly what I needed to hear. You have hit the nail on the head. I know how to move forward with this holiday, and make it the happiest one I can for myself and my children , given my current circumstances. Thank you again!
Hi CC,
you are so welcome, and I am so pleased you are taking this information and applying it for you and your children!
Merry Christmas CC for you and your loved ones.
Mel xo
Melanie,
I found your blog early this morning after receiving an email from my ex. with GF cc’d, around going for more custody of our young daughter. I was completely blown away at the timing, right before Xmas and was trying to understand what drives someone to do these things; along with all the other perplexing behavior…it now all makes sense…I have now read a few more of your posts, which have been enlightening. My baby girl is still so young, but I now know what I need to do to make sure she grows up healthy and happy…step 1. stop will be to stop allowing him to get his supply from me by detaching, step 2. focus on all the wonderful things in my life (there are many) – be happy and happiness will find me naturally, and all of this will shine the light on the right path for my little one.
Thanks Nikki
Hi Nikki,
that is amazing timing! I am so pleased this all makes sense now.
That is wonderful that you are starting to detach and focusing on healing you.
Merry Christmas
Mel xo
Hi Mel! Everything you have said here has made me laugh out loud, because I have been through it all, and happily am now at a stage where I can actually find it amusing. I have had some horrendous yuletides as a result of 4 Narcissistic relationships. Being dumped before Xmas, having the Narc go missing over the festive season, turning up drunk and starting fights with my family and friends, hoovered by XNs bearing gifts and promising the world….you name it, Ive been there. One of the worst experiences I had was when XNH and I went to his sisters home for Xmas lunch. He waited until everyone had been served and had started to eat, when he suddenly snatched my plate away, took it into the kitchen and scraped the contents into the bin. He came back and announced “Sylvia’s not having any food, shes getting far too fat, so she’s on a diet from today”. He then tucked into his lunch with a smug little smile on his face. Not one person around that table defended me….everyone ate in stunned silence while I sat there with no food. His temper was so legendary that no-one wanted to incur his wrath by standing up for me. When we got home, he exploded and said I had ruined his day by “acting sullen” at the dining table and making everyone uncomfortable….????? As Ive said, I could **** myself laughing now just thinking about that, and how I would handle a situation like that today. Not that it would ever happen now, because I have located and healed the childhood wounds that generated those soul-destroying experiences. Have a fabbo Xmas lovely lady, thank you so much for coming into my life. And I wish happiness and healing for everyone else here, much love xxx
Hi Sylvia,
It is so true that when we heal beyond this we do shake our head and laugh – and not just what N’s do, but how we used to twist ourselves into a pretzel around them!
Wow – you truly have been through it!! Gosh re the food control!!! Your poor thing – that incidence was beyond crazy! Yes, so so true there is NO way you would be in a situation like that today, let alone tolerating it!
You are so welcome Sylvia, I am so thrilled we connected, and you are a wonderful light in my life too!
Thank you dear lady, and wishing you and yours a fantastic Christmas Day Sylvia.
Thank you for spreading the love that you do through this Community!
Mel xo
That’s what they do. Their behavior and statements are so shockingly egregious that normal people who experience them often sit there in stunned amazement, not knowing how to react.
Then, they take the silence as evidence of their omnipotence because no one DARES to call them on what they just did.
Fait : la &lqupo; rumear&nbsu;» la plus fréquemment évoquée sur les blogs était censée porter sur un fait intervenu récemment. Or il s’avère que cette info diffamatoire (parce que parler de rumeur a déjà pour effet de crédibiliser la chose pour certains, paradoxalement) courait déjà en janvier 2006, sur un fait censé également être récent.Tout ceci n’est pas vraiment à la gloire du Net.
I have experienced the “cycle” with my family. The increase in tension, the blow-up, and then resuming the relationship. I never apologized but, I was allowed back into the family (after choosing to isolate myself from them) after a period of time. I would say that they viewed me as humiliated, which may have felt like an apology to them. I valued the family and so I returned with the hope that things would be different. Of course, they were not. My mom is not going to change and my siblings can’t see what is going on.
My mom experienced a horrific childhood. She repeatedly states that she had a terrible father and she turned out fine. She is critical of those who have been effected by abusive fathers. She can’t see that she lashes out constantly because of her childhood experiences. She completely lacks empathy and insight. When I am strong enough to brush off her treatment of me, I will resume a relationship with my family. I don’t know when I will be strong enough, healthy enough. Today, I continue to work on forgiving them.
Hi Debbie,
it is wonderful that you have accepted that your Mother is not going to change – and that she is a wounded child who just doesn’t have the resources.
Such healing can start when we stop holding damaged people responsible and know that we can pull back, work on letting go and detaching and healing ourselves.
Hurt people hurt people, and as children we were powerless, but as adults we are not.
Wishing you hugs, strength and blessings this Christmas Debbie.
Mel xo
Thanks for the reminders Melanie. Bless you. I am going to start my own new family of healthy cousins and you are the first one I am adding. I hope one day I get to meet you and give you a big hug. Merry Christmas.
Hi Nadine,
you are so welcome.
Awww that is lovely … I would love to meet you one day too!
Merry Christmas!
Mel xo
Merry Christmas Mel!
You are such a beautiful lady and thank you for all you do.
Lots of love xx
Hi Kally,
Thank you, I hope you had a lovely Christmas as well!
Lots of love to you too!
Mel xo
Merry Christmas Melanie!
Thanks for all that you do and have done to help us cope with the realities of brutal d&d and the realization that the narc is nothing but an illusion who puffs her smoke and fake image on us until she is ready to move on. It is difficult to understand that after years of family life they can check out as if checking out of a hotel room without any feelings of connection nor remorse.
You have helped me so much through your web writings and now video. God Bless you for what you do.
Roger
Hi Roger,
Merry Christmas to you too!
I am so pleased my material has been able to help you.
Wishing you much healing and blessings for 2016.
Mel xo
Thank you for all you do to help those of us dealing with the narcissists in out lives. I was doing pretty good after final breakup with my exh over a year and a half ago. My Mom passed away at Thanksgiving and my ex came to the viewing with his mother then came alone to the service and wake the following day. It really set me back as I hadn’t seen him in so long and he has a new girlfriend. We exchanged pleasantries but that was all.
I received a Christmas card with a written message about how he now show difficult this Christmas will be but to think of all the things I have in my life to be thankful for….. Then he mentioned several positive things I do have in my life including how wonderful both of my parents were….. As nice as this message was, I thought to myself…… This is the nicest thing, and only thing, you have ever written to me, why couldn’t you have written something like this while we were together? It wouldn’t have taken much to be thoughtful. This message was written on one side of a card . But that’s just it , they don’t think. I would rather have had a small handwritten loving note then all of the jewelry he ever bought me and vacations we went on. I am just getting through the Christmas season, much sadder, but I’ll get through it. And I leave him to buy new jewelry for his girlfriend and possible future wife. I just hope it doesn’t take a death of one of her loved ones to get some encouraging and kind words from him.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Hi Susan,
you are very welcome.
It certainly is true that events can happen to trigger us and bring up pain, or even new levels of it in regard to narcissists.
Narcissists have a habit of trying to trigger and confuse exes so that they get in contact and show the narcissist how they are not over them.
The greatest insult to a narcissist is you moving on in every way.
None of it is about “care”, it is all about a selfish ego feed.
When this happens in our life (the triggers) it is showing us what more healing there is to do in order to become our own Source of love, approval and security, and to heal that essential relationship with ourselves.
I hope this information can help you heal.
Mel xo
I just can’t take it anymore.Yesterday i had to visit my toxic parents.For now,i can’t go no contact due to financial reasons.Up until now,i had visited them,but rarely,so i was less exposed to their behavior.Having spent so much time away from them,i was begining to heal and to feel safe in my own home.But,that time of year,i have to visit them for a few days in a row,until january comes.
Yesterday we were supposed to all sit at the dinner table.My narc mother put food on my plate.Just as i was eating,she started mopping the floor and complaining that she was nothing but a servant to me.I told her that it was her choice to do the housework instead of joining me to the dinner table.As usual,she got mad and she immediately twisted my words.
Narc M:I’m cleaning the floor now because i have to do it all by myself.If you had helped me prepare the food,now i could have rested and enjoy the meal with you.
Me:Do not pull this old trick on me again.Yesterday you told me on the phone that you had already cooked everything:the stake,the cakes etc.So there was nothing left for me to do.
Narc M:Yes,there was.I had plenty of other chores which i did all by myself,so that you can have a beautiful christamas.And after all i did for you,now you are ungrateful,picking fights and ruining my holiday.Next year,santa will bring you a coal under the tree instead of presents,as you clearly don’t deserve them.
Definitely,you can’t win with a narc.EVER!!!!!!
Due to not being able to pay for large internet connection I am unable to watch your videos. Is there another way that I would be able to get the information from them to read? I really gain a lot of insight from your articles and hate to miss out.
WOW…truer words have never been spoken Melanie! I like to think of it as “feeding the beast”. How do you starve the beast…stop feeding it! It’s never too late to learn that lesson, so glad I did.
Love and light to you, Maynel
Hi Maynel,
that is so wonderful you will stop feeding the beast!
Fabbo!!!
Much love and light to you too 🙂
Mel xo
I’m thankful I found you and your website and resources. I’m looking forward to learning more here and how it can help. Particularly, do you have anything currently that relates to mother’s being the narcissist in the relationship? Thank you so much!
Hi Jena,
regardless of who the narcissists is in our life, we don’t have the ability to change or fix other people … we only have the ability to heal and empower ourselves.
And when we take that on as our highest mission, then their behaviour doesn’t hurt like it used to. Then we can lay effective boundaries without guilt. Then they will either raise up to meet us at a level of respect or not.
Regardless of whether they do or don’t – so much changes because we now have healed and love and respect ourselves. We can choose our own life reality, and it may not include them – because no longer do we hold other people responsible for the generation of our life – we create it ourselves.
This is why us recovering from narcissistic abuse has nothing to do with “them”, and has everything to do with our on healing and development – regardless of what the narcissist does or doesn’t decide to do.
I do have specific information about family members. If you do a google search you will find it – but truly the healing path is exactly the same for all N-abuse recovery …
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for this video, and all your hard work. I read an article you wrote from 2013, and this has all been very helpful for me to have confirmation about these NPD traits.
My parents are divorced, both strongly display NPD, my ex also is NPD and has kept me from seeing my children for years. In fact I have a bad habit of attracting NPD people into my life and getting seriously hurt. I do my best to bottle this all up so I don’t sound like a victim, but I feel like admitting my situation is a step toward changing it. It is devastating to reach successful benchmarks in my life only to watch them topple because of some deliberation from NPD folks who I am with at the time. I would like to learn how to identify with and attract people who are not NPD, and who are creative, active, and compassionate like I strive to be.
Thank you again for your work, it’s very comforting to consider others have overcome these odds. I’m not perfect but I believe I am capable of preventing myself from slipping off the NPD deep end like so many of my loved ones. Learning these things gives me hope and makes me less jaded about relationships. Thanks and Happy Holidays!
Luke
Mel! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you do! I have learnt so much from you and the Narp programme in 2015 and you really really helped me to find home to myself after a very painful breakup with a narc in the end of 2014. I had the first happy Christmas ever at the end of 2015, something unthinkable within my old believe systems. A big hug, enjoy yourfree time. Looking so much forward to hearing from you again in 2016. Anne
At Thanksgiving dinner 2015, she:
1. Introduced me as her boyfriend and flirted with me in front of her family.
2. Placed her hands on my shoulders and blessed the food. With her voice choking, she thanked God for “family.” I kissed her hand when the prayer ended.
3. Asked me to drive her father home, because her knuckleheaded nephew wouldn’t.
4. Was intoxicated when I got back.
5. Told me we had the perfect relationship, as we laid in each other’s arms.
6. Told me I didn’t have to ask to stay over, because it was assumed.
Then she told me she had invited another guy for dinner but he didn’t show up.
Later that night, she:
8. Got a call from the guy at 10 p.m. (Yeah, I know what that means).
9. Took the phone in the bathroom so he wouldn’t hear me.
10. Apparently didn’t care if I heard their conversation.
11. Told him he couldn’t come over because she was tired, not because her “boyfriend” was there.
12. Replied to his question about whether he could call the next day by saying “Please do.”
13. Is now giving me the silent treatment out of anger toward me for ending things.
P.S. She is 56 years old plays these bizarre romantic games like a sick teenager.
Hi everyone
This is my first comment here and I would like to share my 2015 Christmas with a Narc.
Please bare with me!
One week after my birthday (4 Dec) my Narc and I had just finished making (fake) love I was hit with a bombshell. My Narc turned her back to me and said ‘you know we said to always tell the truth. Well I’m finished with you and I’m going to work as a prostitute. You don’t give me what I need. I’ve never loved you I only pitied you’.
I went into shock and for the first time in my life I was speechless. I could not utter a single word for two weeks. She never moved out but continued to flaunt her prostitution and demanded we remain friends.
My situation doesn’t allow me to move or demand she moves. Everyday she brings her blackness into the home, but I remain silent and detached. I understand her need to feed off my emotions. She constantly provokes me with her new suppliers and her extreme mood swings.
I just wish she would move on and let me heal.
Dear Greg and Mark,
Having come out the other side of this sort of thing with Mel’s system, if you have the courage to do it, it works. Best of luck to both of you.
Life is so much better on the other side 🙂
in the spirit of joy, freedom and healing –
Valerie
Melanie,
I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have been connected with your website. Strangely, my narc sent me the link because someone he has been telling his stories to sent it to him claiming that I am the narc. Of course, I realize that I (as the co-dependent) do share some similar qualities as the narc (mostly the desperate need for love and approval). I can definitely see how he would (at first glance) label me as the narc. Please bare with me as I tell my story.
I knew my narc didn’t love me but that deep rooted need to win his love and approval (my addiction) compelled me to try harder. We had our moments when things seemed to be pretty good, but then there were other times when something was just off. During these phases, he was very secretive and distant. When I would try to talk to him he blew up. He threw things, called me names, accused me of attacking him, and called me crazy. Some of his blow ups were over things that I just couldn’t wrap my head around (like trying to talk to him about saving up to buy a house or my trying to seduce him while he was lacing his tennis shoes). I was always very hurt by his words and actions toward me. Most of the time, when he blew up, I would try to hug/kiss him and tell him how much I loved him and to please just stop. I would say things like, “why are you so upset over this,” “it’s not that big of a deal,” and “can we just kiss and make up now?” But, it didn’t matter how hard I tried to bring the peace back, he wasn’t having it. He would shove me away, telling me to “get out of his face,” and then he would either leave for days on end (with little to no contact with me) OR sleep on the couch. I cried myself to sleep more times than I can count that year that we lived together.
My narc had many female friends whom I was not allowed to ask about. I began to suspect that he wasn’t being honest with me. That suspicion was confirmed about six months into our relationship when a girl from his past (who just happens to be a celebrity AND married) sent me a Facebook message saying “you don’t know your boyfriend.” She followed with over a hundred more messages and a couple phone calls telling me all the things he had been telling her behind my back. He told her he hated me, I was crazy, and that she was the only woman he would ever love. They were even exchanging sexually explicit media.
When I confronted the narc, he told me not to listen to her and to block her. He said that she always did this to him when he was happy because she didn’t want him to move on. He apologized for allowing her to get between us (as she had done in at least one other relationship of his that I know of). He told me I was great to him, he loved me, and he was sorry. He promised to cut ties with her. I agreed to stay with him on one condition… that I could look at his phone any time I wanted. He agreed and let me look at was was on there at that moment (he had deleted a lot). I was horrified when I saw his last message to her, which said “I hope your plane crashes and you burn alive.”
A couple of months passed by, and things seemed to be going pretty well. But, I started to notice old behaviors popping back up. He seemed distant and secretive, and explosive over the smallest things. So, I asked to look at his phone. He said no, but I got clever and did it while he was sleeping.
I got all the answers I needed by looking at his phone. It was clear that he wasn’t being honest, but that wasn’t even the most horrifying thing I found. The worst part was messages I saw between him and other girls he had split ways with (I went pretty far back and, though I know most of it was “past” I was glad I did). I read messages where he threatened to kill his mistress’s husband. I read messages of him calling girls “whores” and saying things like “she’s one of many I have on call to suck my dick.” There were messages between him and one of his exes new boyfriends (whom she had a child with) saying “when you kiss your baby girl on the forehead just remember that she has a mushroom stamp from my d*** because I was still f****** her while she was with you… and I could still have that wh** if I wanted her.” I realized that he was not only a narcissist but also quite psychotic.
When we split, I tried for seven months (literally until the other day when he sent me your blog claiming I am narcissistic) to get him to see the err of his ways. I fantasized of the day he would call or text me and say “I’m sorry… you didn’t deserve that.” Every message I sent him was met with hostility. He asked for my new address so he could send me a bottle of Jameson and a knife and encouraged me to off myself. He told me I was ugly. He rubbed in my face how “beautiful” the girl he cheated with is/was (btw he may not have slept with her due to distance between them but he cheated no less). He said things like “you could never compare to her. She’s perfect. Even her feet are adorable. She’s beautiful, feels so good, and tastes like a peach.” (never mind that she belongs to another man)
What your blog and articles have done for me is help me to realize that as long as I am still holding on to the idea of holding him accountable, and as long as I am still staying in contact, I am feeding MY addiction to him. He has exposed my broken parts and made me identify the root (my narc parent). Finally I have the answers I need to break this cycle. It’s such an empowering feeling. Thank you.
Heather
I have a adult child (25 ) who is a narcissist. Do I detach? We have tried to fix, help, pay , talk go to counseling etc.. to try heal we do helps. She always blames and is always dissatisfied and angry with anything my husband and I have done in a caring way for her. Thank you
You have such an amazing energy. I wish I had watched this prior to Christmas day. Everything you stated is what I had become accustom to over 5 years in virtually every family gathering I attended with my ex.
Anyway I truly enjoyed listening and you. I am now 45 day’s no contact & 2016 is going to be a fantastic year for self healing 🙂
Thank you