The triggers we feel after being narcissistically abused can be crippling.
When we see someone who looks like the narcissist, a car like theirs, or something we associate with them.
And many people, because it is robbing their ability to be out in life, ask this … “Is there a way to effective manage this, or even stop it happening?”
Find out the truth about what can be done with the triggers we suffer from narcissistic abuse in this week’s Thriver Tv episode.
I really hope this video has helped you understand how you can overcome the triggers of narcissistic abuse, as it truly is one of the most devastating symptoms of narcissistic abuse.
Please join the conversation about narcissistic triggers below, and if you would like any further help dealing with narcissistic triggers, I am happy to help in the comments section below.
I just wrote down after moduling today ‘What did the N touch upon in our relationship that triggered an early wound?’ I have four answers already collected for my next moduling, and I am sure there are more. So this is a very timely episode, per usual, Mel. I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart because your words always seem to be there at the right time (have been feeling the peptides running lately). Plus, I really wanted to high five you for the ‘bald-spot’ remark!!!!! I’m still grinning! Lots of love back to you! DianeMarie
the video was missing so couldnt watch. 🙁
Hi DianeMarie,
That is great this episode was synchronistic for you!
You are so welcome!
haha!!
Mel xo
Is there a way I can find the shift you made on this topic that you offered in this video?
Hi Denise,
without listening to the whole video I am not sure what I offered? If I did talk about a shift then there usually is a link in the video … and if not the shifts that cover all of my videos, work and materials is the NARP Program ww.wmelanietoniaevans.com/narp
That is always my highest suggestion for you to heal. From there also, as a Gold Member, you have continued incredible guidance and support from the wonderful NARP community http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Nicely expressed. Good job looking inside and using the modules to explore and heal triggers! It really works. Instead of fearing triggers or going out of our way to avoid them, we have a place with which to work with the triggers. It is empowering to be so “conscious”. Even when we go through a rough spell, we can still get right back on track so much more quickly it seems.
Mel, did you just say you would like a volunteer who is still being triggered? I am, and I would love to lose the trigger(s). Just write me back if you still have a need – thanks!
Hi Sally A,
I’d love to help …
I will be seeking someone – let me know if you are working with NARP already?
That is my only pre-requisite and also Skype!
Mel xo
I really needed to watch this today.
I just saw my N and he totally ignored me. Was good as I was talking to others and not being awful but he only has 1 friend and he was alone. I so look forward to the day where my stomach stops turning and I obsess about it. I think I am getting there but there is no magic pill and it takes time.
oh and please remove my trigger 🙂
OH and John,
if you are already working with NARP and have Skype – I can consider working with you on Thriver TV!
Mel xo
Hi John,
it truly is about turning inwards and addressing WHY This triggers you …
then, I promise, if addressed in a way that up-levels (such as QFH) ij just won’t be there.
It is not a “time” thing – it is a “wound” thing.
Mel xo
Since triggers originate from childhood wounds, couldn’t you also say that narcissistic abusers are triggered from childhood wounds too? My narcissist (ex-spouse) also seemed to have Oppositional Defiant Disorder too – anything asked of him would cause a knee-jerk answer of “no”. He often reminded me of a frustrated toddler who does not reason and doesn’t have the capability to self-reflect. I often wondered why….but it seems it must be a childhood issue. Could your therapy also help abusers themselves?
Hi Cherie,
Absolutely 100% they are – and I have written about this many, many times in my materials.
The huge issue with narcissists is they do not WANT to address and meet their inner wounds to work on them.
Or if they do – it is only momentary, and once there is enough “energy” to reinstate the False Self again – they are back into the brain synopsis pathways of defences and being a narcissist.
Which by definition is: unconsciousness .. “I will not turn inwards and deal with my inner traumas in order to address WHY I behave this way ..”
So they continue to act unconsciously from intense emotional triggers.
Mel xo
I would like to chime in, as I was foolish. I saw what I thought was real change in an N. The behaviors and words were different. It lasted for a while, I really thought there was lasting change until a situation came up that triggered the N and to my astonishment the behaviors, words and actions were all the way back at the beginning and not just once, it happened a few times. I couldn’t understand it, but reading this i do. the behaviors and word changes were not from a shift in belief, the were all in the head not in the body and spirit. The difference is a positive belief in the experience of life or a negative belief in the experience in life. At least that is what I have noticed in my situation.
Hi Diane,
you are 100% accurate.
If belief is not changes behaviour remains.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie, I’m paraphrasing a little but you mentioned, “We fear that we’ll be punished for being ourselves.” That line resonated with me. I feel like the punishment for me being myself has been isolation. Yup, it’s lonely alright, but I know it’s the better decision. Currently, I don’t feel like I’m living a full and meaningful life as a result of being myself. But I swear, your videos and you sharing your own experiences always motivates me. It helps me to know I won’t be feeling this way for long!
I met the first N (there were 2) in my life when I was feeling down, like I have been lately. I got the sense something was wrong in the beginning of our friendship, but I ignored it. I was glad to have something that resembled a social life at the time. We were friends for about 4 years, roommates for about half that time. The circular arguments that left my head spinning, the low-self esteem, etc. The N always wanted to win or have the upper hand some how and yet everything was a “friendly” game. It wasn’t at all! His “source” was setting me up to lose at just about everything. It’s how he gained his confidence. A few times his deception slipped out and the mask came off. I don’t know how I ever put up with this for so long, but I’ve learned a lot from your videos. I’ve been really thankful for your guidance. I’ve never even been able to talk about this whole experience very well or relate to it until I came across your videos and website. I’m in the NARP program now and I’m still new to it but glad I’m here.
Also, I’ll be in the video. : )
Hi John,
we will be in touch for either the video (trigger topic) or future ones!
Mel xo
Well I am hoping you have pulled yourself together by now! The ba9;#3g&s a beauty, and if you produce that in a meltdown mode, you are doing better than the rest of us xxx
John …
it is very true that when we are “hungry” we will choose “junk food”.
We have all been in situations that are not healthy, that don’t represent our Truest and Highest selves, because we were needy.
When we are needy we have wounds within us not yet allowing us to be the components to ourselves that would create us as “full” instead of “empty”.
Then the irony is we try to hold others responsible to providing us with these components – yet the people we chose were at the same level – too wounded to be a source of those components also.
It’s awesome John you are working with NARP and turning inwards.
That is where your unravelling, healing and salvation will happen.
And then we realise that it was never even about these people – they were merely and magnificently reflected back to us what we as yet weren’t developed and healed enough to be for ourselves.
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie, I’m enjoying the FB (Facebook) group too!
Hi JC,
This is great that you are realising there is a way out.
It is within …
If we don’t go within to get it sorted, then we do go without.
Mel xo
Thank you for helping people heal from this awful abuse. I have a child with my New and every time we discuss a child issue we end up arguing and I get very defensive and he gets very offensive. He call me names, and insult me but because he also owns the house I can’t ask him to leave. It’s very frustrating and debilitating. Verbal abuse won’t give me enough resins to file a restraint against him. But maybe I can learn control how I react in his presence…he triggers rage in me then he call me a bitter bitch :/
Hi Adriana,
you are very welcome.
It can be very difficult when in the presence of someone that you aren’t doing No or Modified Contact with to start healing your inner wounds that the person is triggering.
Because it is like shoring up a hole, and then the narcissist will drill another hole in you to hit a weak spot, you shore that one up .. then he / she goes for another … and so on and so on.
The truth is when living in close proximity with a Personality Disordered person – you get sick … and often stay sick – period.
Because you are trying to heal in a disordered environment.
With the intention of detaching, pulling away and co-existing separately and usually in the plan for ultimately leaving and taking more and more of your energy back and breaking away emotionally and mentally and ultimately … it is easier to heal whilst co-habitating.
If you have support of somewhere else to go – in the long run, for your and your child … emotional health is the most important criteria and foundation for a happy future life, for you and your child’s future generations.
Even with one parent who can heal and be healthy …
Mel xo
Evnoerye would benefit from reading this post
Det är främst två kategorier som stegar rätt ut i gatan utan att se sig för. Tonåringar och plus 70. Det är ju faktiskt så att bilar är hårdare än människor och det kan ju faktiskt sitta en missbrukare bakom ratten eller någon ouppmärksam telefonpratare.
Whoever edits and publishes these articles really knows what they’re doing.
João, como anunciado no texto, a sondagem tal qual a pedes será posta esta semana. Isto é apenas e só uma amostra triste, muito triste, do que se está a passar no Benfica. Já agora: preferes o sistema de voto anónimo, é isso? É que aqui no blogue não respondeste. Tens medo de alguma coisa?
henryelsucioenero 31, 2010I´m very happy and excited about this news, thanks for the support and assistance it has provided Alvaro Ramirez has made the dream of formalizing this experience
Dear Melanie,
Great and timely message, especially right now in my journey. I realize there are no “coincidences” at all. Self-partnering seems to be connecting me even closer to source (God). I am aware that everything happening especially at this time seems to be “conspiring” to bring me to complete healing. I have never been so aware of so much momentum. The modules have helped.
I know you will have no shortage of people who would raise their hand and request a session with you. However, I would be available and more than happy to work through a live session with you. The fall out from an courgaeous action I took 5 weeks ago is exposing residual deep wounding that when shifted and unleveled will heal the most reinforced old tape from childhood that fueled self-sabotage. Once shifted and unleveled, there will be no more self-abuse trying to pull me down. I am in a perfect place to “clean it up”.
You are so gifted and “spot on”. This thriver video is well times in my healing place.
Love to you, and thank you for your dedication to help others to evolve.
Dorothy (angelsone)
Hi Dorothy,
I am so pleased you have turned inwards and are connecting with The Truth.
It does change everything …
I would love to help you with the wound you describe, and will be in touch!
Mel xo
Dear Mel,
I have experienced such deep shifts over the last few days by continuing to go inside and by giving myself what I need. That means placing myself in supportive environment, dropping caring abut how another feels or thinks about what I am doing, and learning to have a deeper trust relationship with myself through self-partnering. I took a risk several weeks ago and it is paying off. I did what i needed to do, spoke my truth in a state of love and dropped any desired way in which it should manifest. I am holding onto love. If something moves me out of that place, that is what I go to work on. I am also practicing reinforcing a calm state through gentle contra lateral tapping. Everything works together. Instead of the forum on the computer, I have been attending support groups with others seeking to evolve. It helps seeing people. If some one is toxic, I can stay away. If some one needs to stay away from me for whatever reason, that is o.k too. My survival doesn’t depend on it. I know that some one who really is struggling could use your skills. So, I offer up the spot I requested to another who is in more urgent need. Thank you for being there for us.
You're too funny…lol Don't you just hate when you have these unrequited loves? Glad you found a really great aletnrative…now hope that toe of yours gets better:)
I would love to go on Facebook and join the your group there, it was being talked about on one of the thriver stories. As of three weeks ago I deactivated my account and unfriended the ex lives on it. Every time I think of even going there I get serious anxiety and just cant do it. Suggestions? I didn’t realize that there was a name for this feeling.
Hi Aquariangirl,
Are you working with NARP yet?
If you were, you could be in the NARP Forum (not Facebook) and working with the Program and NARP Thrivers (if necessary – because simply working with Module 1 in NARP usually will do it for you), you would find that wound, and up-level it … so it just doesn’t exist.
And it may only take you 1 or 2 sessions of Module 1.
Then you could reinstate your account and join in.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Your insight is amazing. You are the only person that emphasizes on self responsibility for healing.initially I found it very hard but now that I’ve been working on myself,i realized it’s SO much freedom!!!
the narc is the only person that identifies your triggers and pains more than you do-he/she makes you look at that with undivided attention.
it became a DO or DIE situation for me-either heal the pain or just kill myself….that was how I felt.but now that I’m working on myself,i realized it’s more about me ,it’s more about my own issues than the narc.for almost 2years I feared a lot about all the damaging rumours this narc was spreading about me-i suffered that every single day and that would cause severe severe panic-i preferred to die.recently I went to a common friend’s wedding.the whole bunch of my acquaintances had this weird look on their faces when they looked at me-like I was just dirt.only I could understand what had happened.even the friend who was getting married had this look like-who are you?I dint mean to invite you !lo and behold-it was a smear campaign! it hurt me so hard.i came back home weeping.i had panic for 2days.my heart was bleeding.after all the damage this narc had done in my life,she was making people hate me with all lies and manipulations and character assassination .i hadn’t intended her any harm but she was hurting me in every way possible.
Now,i worked on this deep belief — what others think about you is important .I changed it and told myself-people can think whatever they want about me and that’s not going to change the truth about me.and my happiness is not dependent on what others think about me.this changed everything!!! this was a huge blockage.it was so crippling.but now,im free.no matter what anyone thinks I’m not petrified.i don’t even feel the need to go and tell people what the narc is or what she had actually done.if someone passes an unkind comment based on the smearing-im NOT going to be hurt or resent them because I know this good guy/gal is just another person who believed all the covincing pathalogical lies of the narc.
It is so much of freedom!
Thank you Melanie!!! 🙂
Hi Martha,
I adore it when people turn inwards and realise – “Wow, that was the answer!”
Freedom is a wonderful word for it!
Goodness Martha, I sooooooo relate as so may people do – when we are carrying the deep, deep wounds of persecution, annihilation and our survival is dependent on what others think about us ..
Man … panic!! Panic!
This was MASSIVE for me too in N-abuse.
How wonderful you turned inwards and healed it!
It is AMAZING when we no longer are crippled with those beliefs and are free to be ourselves … and then the irony is “everyone agrees” with our state of Inner that we have with ourselves.
(The outer reflects the inner always.)
Yippee!
FREEDOM!
Love that you got there and you are freed to be your True Self Martha.
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie – so timely as I am still struggling with walking certain unavoidable routes that are near his house and like you & your ex, we live 5 minutes apart! I constantly check out cars etc… It’s really distracting and upsetting. I’ve been working NARP regularly for over 2 months now and so much has shifted in a positive way. I mostly feel good and have a lot of fulfilment and joy in my life. Except for when the triggers come up, like someone I know saying they saw him with his new girlfriend, or as I described, the familiar walking routes etc. Anyway, my question is: could the wound underneath the trigger be the actual experiences with the N, that we need to clear? Yes there are layers of past & ancestral stuff under that but I’ve been working with those and while I’m no longer terrified of seeing him, I’m still triggered and he pops into my head waaay more than I’d like. Was the narcisisstic abuse not just as ‘valid’ a trauma as what happened 20 years ago? Thoughts? Thank you!
Hi Caron,
The triggers are coming to you – for the perfect reason .. “The tigger when tracked will go to original wounds that you now can release to evolve to the next Highest and Best version of yourself.”
The truth is Caron, only your Inner Being holds the knowledge of “what” these triggers are about.
This I do promise you … when you go into your body starting at the feeling in your body of “the trigger” and track back in QFH Module work, you will unearth something previous … something younger, or ancient that has been activated within you.
When you release and up-level that – the trigger is no longer in existence.
Soon even though you have found and up-levlelled other stuff … (which is wonderful!) …. you just haven’t “hit” that one that is left yet.
And you will … if you are determined to find it in your body and address it directly.
Are you in the NARP Forum Caron?
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
That is the best place to receive Module help to help you continually keep shifting and growing.
Mel xo
Mel, That was an excellent topic. I so could relate. I have a class reunion coming up in 3 weeks. The Narc is a classmate and I feel so tense not knowing if he’ll be there and how I’ll react. Please help me ease some of these triggers so I can enjoy this event. Usually, this type of event gets me out of isolation and is so healing to reconnect with friends I have known since Kindergarten. I am 58, so these are long time friends. This is usually a fun and relaxing time. I am struggling with many health conditions similar to yours at your lowest point. I am down to 85 pounds and the one way to heal is to stay out of the stress response and stay in the relaxation response long enough to start healing. I am on the committee planning this event and along with feeling the excitement of the reunion, I feel the terror of what it might be like with him in the same room. I am a NARP member but only have done Module 1 about 4 or 5 times. I am not clear what you mean when you say “loading up”. Can you explain. Also, “upleveling” is unclear as well. I appreciate any advice you can give to ease the terror and C-PTSD triggers. Thank you!
Want to mention we had an on/off relationship for about 8 years, but have been NO contact for 4 years. I thought the triggers would subside, but they are stronger than ever with this upcoming reunion. I am available and would love to work with you on a live session.
Hi Liz,
thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed it!
Liz I can’t help you (for real) in any other way than to grant you the formula to no longer have a trigger!
Other people may grant you “management tools” of triggers – but that is not my area of speciality … mine is removing them in Quantum Ways in time-frames that contemporary methods don’t provide.
Sooooo the great thing is you are on NARP. And you need to Module that terror up and out – that is the only REAL way ..
You say you have only done Module 1 about 4 or 5 times … the truth is Liz, when we are sick and diminished, we need to heal, and for the first time in our entire Life our Inner Being and getting it free of significant trauma, so it can heal, needs to be PRIORITY Number 1.
This is where we are learning to NOT live life externally and through our mind anymore (look at where that got us) and instead turn inwards to the most important joinery and relationship of our entire existence – the one we are dong with ourselves.
Then we heal “the unhealable” (as I did) …. otherwise we are going to be stuck with significant symptoms of breakdown …. trying to survive them with no solution other than trying to mange them as ongoing handicaps.
What do you choose Liz?
In short Liz, I can’t help you … you can only help yourself and that is what NARP is – your Quantum Way to do that.
Liz – uplevelling simply means to remove a trauma and replace it with Source.
Which is what QFH does – hence why it has the powerful to heal what we humanely logically can’t.
Liz are you in the NARP Forum?
There is invaluable support and guidance there for you to help you.
Mel xo
Hi Mel. Looking wonderful as usual. Yes, triggers are huge. Since my situation dictates that I still live in the same house as my Narc, triggers go off constantly. Most are benign, but there are some that are not. Even though he might not be in the house at a given time, he will leave parts of himself around that he knows are unpleasant to me. Examples are, after I arrange items in the fridge the way I need them to be, while I am out of the house, he will go in there and rearrange everything in a way that it is hard for me to instantly find anything. This is not a one time thing but almost every day. So the trigger is, I believe, that when I open the fridge door, I sense his presence. I know that it his need to control some part of me because he cannot do so directly anymore. He also knows that he does not have to be around in order for me to react to this. So this is huge. Also, he will leave his junk all over the house, dirt included so that I will feel his presence all over the place. So again if he is not in the house, it feels like he is. Pretty much the same trigger. So yes, I need to find the source within myself to calm myself about these matters. Lots of Love, Helen xxooxx
Hi Helen,
thank you 🙂
Sending you blessings and love to continue healing, detaching and living a life more free of triggers.
Mel xo
Hi Mel, hope I’m not too late to volunteer for live QFH. I’ve been moduling and following blogs and reading everything possible you have written but am still very stuck after 7mths of being a narper. I desparate to have some relief and a shift, I am triggered slot still! I would be overjoyed and so very grateful if u could help me with this? Many thanks and much love. Naomi X
Hi Naomi,
no it is not – we are compiling a list of people – if not for this next round of shifts – for ones in the future.
We will be in touch Naomi, and I would love to help.
In the meantime Naomi – are you in the NARP Forum?
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Thats where you will start breaking through … immediately …
Mel xo
Superbly iliiulnatmng data here, thanks!
I am having trouble i made a facebookpage for my hairsalon through my personal.page..when i click on the buid an audience tab the only option i have is invite email contacts..how do i invite friends i am super fustrated..lol please help!
Vilken lyxlinch! Den kan man bli avis pÃ¥. Älskar hallon, men jag undrar om inte smultron smäller högre för mig…Kramar
As Charlie Sheen says, this article is “WINNING!”
Hi Melanie
Thank you so much for relating to this big topic “triggers” and you sent this blog at the right time, I’ve done loads of module healing shifts and need to keep doing the shifts to release the trauma from the big triggers which are abandonment, not feeling safe, feeling of panic and feeling overwhelmed. I’ve being in contact with N mother once a week and it is more difficult as feeling more triggered recently. I feel the awareness and the desire to heal and I should be doing the NARP modules every day to release these inner painful triggers.
Thank you again for being so supportive during this healing journey.
Best wishes and lots of love
from
Healing Path xxxx
Hi Healing Path,
My pleasure 🙂
It is great this is helping you to commit to go inwards and keep up-levelling from these triggers.
Because the next step will be the ability to step into you boundaries and truth …
Mel xo
Hi Mel, thanks for your help on these difficult topics that so many of us experience in a way that is so up close and personal. I really got a lot out of the healing session that you did earlier this week on the topic of never being good enough or deserving of love just for who you are. That really hit home! When you have PSTD (or CPSTD) to such an extent that for all intents and purposes you have general anxiety disorder and are close to making a break with reality (and have lost the plot) its hard to know if you’re being irresponsible by not taking medication as a short term strategy. I have been passionately invested in alternative health and healing but several years of narc abuse have left me triggered to such an extent that constant anxiety is my life now. I think healing is possible and your quantum system is the way. I will keep working the modules. Thanks for being so frank about your own experiences- because look at you now- full of light, love, and joy! I hope to get there too along with the rest of us, as this type of suffering is so void of compassion for ourselves. I think dealing with the shame guilt and fear are the hardest for me personally, because your ability to see things in perspective is so radically challenged.
Hi Mel,
You are very welcome.
I am so pleased you got so much out of the last healing!
Yes Stella, if you need take them as a bridge .. for sure .. however they are not the solution – they are simply about dulling down the inner trauma so you don’t feel it – but they are not taking it away.
Releasing it from our being is the true answer to get well, so that we are not trying to survive with it.
C-PTSD is a symptom of trauma wedged in our being – I really don’t agree with identifying with “having it” … because that is a label that our Inner Identity starts believing.
Rather we have the symptoms of C-PTSD because we have unresolved traumas inside us generating anxiety / depression / triggers.
THAT is what needs to be addressed, C-PTSD is NOT the issue – it is only a situation that comes from that.
And it is total FALLACY that C-PTSD has to be managed and medicated and we can’t heal from it entirely.
My big suggestion to you would be to stop identifying wth it, and granting it the power other people have told you to give it – and don’t be in “diagnosis” belief or in Groups cementing that belief with others.
THAT is exactly what I did with every aspect of myself that is NOT my True Self, stopped granting it energy and simply went to the truth underneath it … and I promise you, you too – if you adopt this – will be filled with love and joy and Life-force also.
It is YOUR birthright just as it is mine.
Keep Modulling Stella and please be in the NARP Forum and reaching out for support and suggestions regarding healing from your inner wounding.
Because ALL of it has to get out of your body – for you to get well – including the shame, guilt and fear – and again these are wounds taken on that are NOT Who You Really Are …
So … how about letting them go Quantumly?
What else is there to do?
Then you will fast-track up and out of this.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Please select me to work on my triggers. Your timing for posting this episode in unbelievably perfect. I cannot put it in words. I have not had contact with the ex narc for 4 years yet when I see anyone who looks like him I shudder and I imediately want to bolt in the oposition direction! I always thought that as long as I kept doing whatever I was doing at that moment made me “look” like I was still in control and was ok. But the hugest trigger happened for me just this week. Monday the ex narc texted that he would be in town for a week next month and wanted if I’d like to meet for lunch to catch up. My response was I didn’t know what there was to catch up about so I’d have to think about it. He texted back he hopes I say yes. Honestly I had already made up my mind that the answer is no. But the oddest thing is that for the next 3 days and nights I couldn’t sleep, I was anxious all day at work imagining him here in my space, knowing where I live, being the jerk he so effortlessly is. I remembered how he criticized me, how unsuppotive he was, how damning he was to my sense of self. And I couldn’t shake it. So I realize now after your video exactly what was going on. So please choose me as your guest for this amazing opportunity to up leave in this area. I’m ready to completely release this and move on.
Thank you,
Regina
Hi Regina,
Are you a NARP Member?
If you are, I can certainly put you on the list!
I am so pleased the timing is great, and it is also great that you are being triggered .. because that wound inside is saying, “Come to me and heal me so that you CAN be more free to be YOU …”
Our triggers are a gift …
Wonderful that you are ready to work with you and heal yourself!
Regina, in the meantime, (discovering whether or not you are a NARP Member),I thoroughly suggest joining me in my next Webinar Group – so that you can start learning how to be your own healer and work with your own triggers …
It is POWERFUL when we are not reliant on anyone else!
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie
I’m from South Africa and I believe I have been abused by a the narcissist as I resonate with everything youv ever written about in your blog. I thought I must come out today and lift my hand and say something amongst the people who truly get it as there is absolutely no one who get the intricacies of this abuse where I come from.
It is very painful to be quite as you don’t want to be seen as scorned ex. Its very sad as he is posing as normal human being and I’m seen as a monster who hurt him.
I started following your blog in January when I was suddenly discarded in the most cruel manner. Desperate to find answers on some “what the hell just happened to me” I started to look for clues in the internet, and damn! damn! nothing could ever have prepared me for this ugly side of human kind.
Your blog has been very instrumentally in my healing even though I have not signed up for the NARP but I have made amazing progress through it (blog).
Thanks you very much Melanie, I appreciate you.
Hi ImAninja,
I am so pleased my information has been helping you.
Ultimately our healing is transcendental – when we realise that these people were AIDs helping us heal from the parts that we needed to be free of ourselves.
Nothing about this was not meant to be for our Highest and Best expansion of self.
Mel xo
I know I have made shift work progress when I am ‘out there’ in life, getting into contact with an AIDs person and right there on the spot I am not only consciously aware that this person just triggered me with something, I am ALSO able to think *THANKS* for being my AID today, you just gave me another clue for my next QFH lol.
It is in those moments that I totally GET what Melanie means when she writes and speaks about *recognizing* the gift. AIDs make our old unconscious wounds conscious, they basically HELP us heal.
:-)))
Thanks for the video, have been listening on repeat because I feel like it would be hard to do this on my own? How would I take myself out of the traumatic response once I access it on my own? How does it get discharged if I reconnect with it in that moment but have no where to release it? Would I in affect just be upsetting myself more?
Although I’m not the first person to ask – I’d be happy to do a live session on working with triggers too?
Hi Natasha,
the process of QFH is one where if you are not working with NARP, you can’t do it on your own, simply because you are not trained in it.
It would be like going to a kinesiologist for a session and then going home and trying to do kinesiology on yourself without training.
Make sense?
If you are a NARP Member you have all the healings with you – and via the Modules being trained to be your own healer with the process.
Mel xo
Thank you for your work. I am putting my hand up to work on my triggers! I am going through court – and his lawyer is a bully, and completely ‘drank the narcs kool aid’. I need to release my triggers to stand up to them in court. I have become pretty aware of my body and where the triggers hit me, how old I feel and breathing through it, but I am still being triggered.
Hi Carrie,
you are very welcome …
As I have expressed to others, I am working with NARP Members only for Live Healings …
I would love to help you though … Carrie are you able to come into my present Free Webinar Group?
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and specifically the Facebook Private Group connected … (which you are invited to once you join.)
Because there I can work with you personally.
Mel xo
This is so interesting! I have been a hermit for 9 months, because I am so paranoid about running into the ex-narc. I still tense up, even now, when I am out in the yard working, and hear a car coming by. And I think why?? Why am I the one putting my life on hold, I didn’t do anything! I want to stop feeling trapped by what he did to me, as I feel that still gives him the power. So thank you for this video and the helpful information!
Hi Rosie,
You re very welcome.
I am so pleased you re starting to understand why, and that there is a way out of these triggers ..
Healing within ….
Mel xo
Separated 4 years, divorced 2 years from covert narcissist I was married to for 24 years. Didn’t know there was such a thing as narcissism until I found porn and learned the connection. Always knew something was not right, but not what. He lied for over 10 years to our marriage counselor (who insisted on counseling us separately) and I was left lost and uninformed. They developed friendship and the counselor ended up doing business personnel consulting for my ex’s company on the side – talk about conflict of interest! Ex’s sister is master’s in psychology but never practiced/works office jobs. Triangulated our daughter. Isolated me and destroyed me from inside out. Nothing physical. I fought him, but my family is not local. My attorney said my biggest mistake was letting him isolate me because there was no one to observe the hidden emotional abuse. One physical incident, and my children were present, was he backed me up against the refrigerator with his hands around my neck and threatened to kill me. I didn’t even remember the threat. My daughter told me the other day she remembers. She also knew about his affair with secretary since 6th grade (she’s 20 now), and his porn. Triggers are killing me. Seeing my kids, who chose to go with him!, is also a trigger. How do I get over obsessing?
Hi Luna,
truly in N abuse, so many things can happen that seem like the most incredible betrays, injustices and traumas we could imagine.
All of it, I promise, is about unresolved childhood and ancestral wounding that we had deep within us before this experience happened.
The obsessing stops when we use this experience to heal what we had never known we need to heal – before this happened.
Discovering the truth of that is what allowed me to survive, heal from the unhealable and then Thrive to the level of freedom and joy I do now ..
I healed all of the original wounding that the 2 N’s in my life represented “more of”.
That is the way out – being willing to stop trying to deal with this cognitively (which doesn’t work) .. and instead listen to what our emotional self is telling us – that we are clogged up with toxic trauma that our mind simply will not stop revisiting – because it exists within us.
Yet, when we address it directly and heal it – then there is NOTHING for our mind to keep revisiting.
Then we heal not just from the trauma of the N, but also from the original wounding.
Then we are released into new trajectories in Life that we would never have been able to access if it was not for ‘this” that made us face inside us what we had always needed to heal.
That’s the answer Luna.
Mel xo
Nothing against Harry, but next time how about Bruce Lipton?
I don’t want to sound snide, just so you know … I mean that with the utmost love and respect, to you all! PEACE!
Hi John,
hahahaha!
Love it!
Mel xo
Hello JC (John on FB) … I may not be your cup of tea (Lipton joke) however consciousness at the cellular is a interconnected thing to the macro level as a planet… being a cell in the cosmos…. this is where I like to look at things :)…. http://harrythebusker.weebly.com/science-and-religion.html and as far as not being snide ha ha ha … i laugh in your general direction …. It is my personal mission now to get Bruce connected with Melanie… Thank you for the impetus JC 🙂
Harry,
hahahaha!
Mel xo
Glad you were laughing. 😀
And maybe even better that you’re taking me serious! I’ve been watching him on Youtube for the last month or so and he seems like he’s all about making himself available for these types of appearances. I’ll bet he’d be psyched to go on Mel’s show if she decides it’s a good fit. 🙂
Rock on!
Oh, and at the risk of sounding a little weird, you are totally my cup of tea!
Yep. 🙂
Hi Melanie, I have read all or most of your writings about narcissism but I feel that growing up with a narcissist is not catered for. You say a trigger can be someone who looks like the narc. What if the narc is your sibling and you look like the narc. You have admitted that you didn’t grow up with narcs so I’m wondering if your recovery programme with its theory of attracting the narc fits people with narcs in family. To suggest that a child attracts a narc is the equivalent of saying a child attracted sexual abuse. That’s not right. I’m not trying to attack you but I would like to know if your programme is really suitable for people with narcs in family? Thanks Melanie
Hi Flick,
there are many people who are on NARP who had FOO narcissists.
All of us without exception came from unconscious parenting that set us up for N relationships – whether or not our parents / caretakers were N’s or codeps.
It was all unconscious and damaging and conditional – because they themselves had no knowledge or programming to be conscious.
(That is the state of human programming for the last 5,000 years – “the outside-in model”)
NARP is all about healing our childhood and ancestral traumas, no matter what they are or who put them there.
As a person who also suffered childhood sexual abuse I can assure you this was generational – my mother did also.
Her trauma was continued on into my being (epigenetic). As it had been for the females previous to her.
Did I deserve it?
(Gosh I really dislike the concept of “blame” … “deserve” … truly they are so off the mark those expressions!)
NO – of course not .. but I was carrying trauma that was in my being – even before I hit the ground – and Universal Law is NOT conditional, nor does it judge.
It simply “creates” more of the same.
If we hold trauma in our being – we are magnets.
Period …
As I was .. and yet I took the responsibility to up-level and heal it – NOT just for myself but as a force and an energy on this entire planet to help other women get free of sexual abuse trauma.
By “being” that energy.
And if I had a daughter, it would have been imperative to break the cycles that the females before me in my family hadn’t healed … for my daughter and her future generations.
And that is what my entire healing premise is about: healing our trauma for ourselves, our children and our future generations to stop the cycles of abuse / abused which have ravaged our planet.
Being in illusions of “blame” and “not right” would never achieve that.
If it is in MY body, NO matter when it happened and from whom, only I can heal it.
The same applies for all of us.
That is what NARP is all about – unconditionally.
Mel xo
*edit* — The NARP community and programme are NOT limited to those individuals who’ve encountered their ”first narcissist” in a romantic partner.
Thanks for your replies Melanie and Bondon.
I appreciate the time and consideration you gave.
I will have a good think about the programme
Best wishes
Flick
Hi Flick,
bless and you are very welcome 🙂
Mel xo
Still getting triggers. It’s been over a year. I’m fine until he shows up and then it hits me out of nowhere. No idea what this wound is. I don’t seem to have any triggers like this at all with anything except him. The ego is definitely defending but i’m not sure why it’s so powerful. I need to regain my power. I apparently give it away. My brain knows better, logically, but somewhere in my body it feels threatened. The emotional trigger.
Hi Doris,
it truly isn’t until we go inside and start communicating with our subconscious that we access the truth … as to what is really going on within us.
Or cognitive mind does not have access to this information, can only “guess it” and also can’t shift it logically.
Bless you and wishing you deep healing.
Mel xo
When I get triggered, I try to immediately ask myself where the root is, and go in to it instead of making it about my reaction to the narc. If I don’t do this, I notice I resist giving the trigger attention because I am trying to block the narc out of my mind, but what you resist persists. This actually creates more tension and keeps the hook in place. It has been equally valuable for me to learn not to resist the triggered emotion because I understand now, that the trigger is just there to show me what is still inside, needing to come out. Half the problem has been avoiding the affect, which keeps the freeze mode in place. I also notice, that since making this shift, the emotion attached to the trigger is not nearly as scary to face as it used to be and I have grown in my ability to handle it as it is just emotion energy, trying to be released so that I can return to a place of calm and balance. In this way, the narc, once again, is a huge gift, pointing me to my unhealed parts.When I have done my work, there is nothing left to trigger. I think this applies to all relationships, not just the narc ones. Thanks Mel, this community has been a life line.
Hi Rose,
how you are playing the “heal myself game” is 100% spot on.
I agree … since simply going to triggers to release them Life has become very straightforward, instead of trying to survive inner trauma and maladapt around it – it is so much simpler for all of us (who do) to face self each and every time and heal it.
And it become not scary at all – in stark contrast ignoring triggers and leaving the inner wounds in there makes Life scary – because what we ignore on the inside keeps hitting us from the outside!
That’s the hard way to live …
Thank you for your post Rose!
I agree this applies to all relationships and Life itself … in every way.
Mel xo
Harry….You Dirty Dog!!! (it’s a children’s book)
Hi Mel-
I think I am finally starting to shift inside. The QFH sessions are starting to work more and more, and I realize that its not something that you just do for 2 weeks, you continue to do it, and I feel like somehow I have gained an inner muscle. A lot of the darkness feels lighter, I am not having such obsessive thoughts, and I lost 5 pounds without even dieting! Self partnering just helps everything. Just wanted to let you know, how much your program is working. And for the first time in months, I was able to catch up on my debt! Wow Mel, its happening!!! THANK YOU!!!!
Emma 🙂
I want to share something really special that I noticed yesterday…. I have just spent a whole week in my own house alone…. and with my neighbour away… without having a single panic attack! This is huge for me! Previously I would have needed to invite “safe” friends over to stay or visit, because I was too afraid to be alone that long. And I’ve only been working on the free webinar video for a few days. (admittedly, I’m going over the process for at least 1-3 hours each day)…. I’m so pleased. The first time I muscle tested for how well I was self partnering… and how comitted I was to doing that, I only got 20%. This morning I got 100%. So many old epigenetic wounds are coming to the surface to be released…. I have cycled back and forth thru the process for hours. I’m not getting much sleep, but I’m so pleased that I can actually feel results already. I noticed that with some of the issues, that I am coughing and shaking a lot while I clear …. does this happen to many people? Thanks so much Melanie.
Hello, I am new to the community and wanted to share a brief post. My N is an older man that I became involved with over a year ago. He is twice my age with a severe alcohol problem (cirrhosis), not a violent drunk and mostly a ‘dry drunk’ due to to his condition. We were in honeymoon period for 3 or so months and then it went from that to avoidance. Honeymoon was ultimate LOVE BOMB that I fell for but was the “responsible” one who said lets wait on all of these moving in together plans. Then later it was him barely every even responding to me unless I initiated contact. The whole thing was absolutely humiliating now that I think of it. That was his brand of abuse. Falling off and silent spells although he knew how much it hurt me and how desperately I pleaded with him to tell me what went wrong and he would say ‘nothing’ indifferently or that I was imagining things. I also caught him in another online flirtation that blew up in his face after this other woman saw us together in an FB picture. He never apologized to me or her about it and I just pushed that one under the rug as well. This whole ordeal has been extremely extremely painful. I got the courage to end it and he won me back with the return of phone calls and sweet messages and saying all of the things he knew I wanted to hear. I decided to test the waters again….everything went back to normal in mere days. This is the exact re-enactment of my childhood with a drug addicted disinterested neglectful mother. My N is never violent, he is always pragmatically calm and calls me unhinged when I try to have a normal conversation about his flirtations and his avoidance of my stated feelings but his insistence is that everything is fine and I am too “excitable”. I am convinced he is a grade A narcissist all and all. He exerts all of the signs except that he is never one to spew abusive language to me. I have taken myself out of the relationship FINALLY after going back every time. All it takes is that one text or message with a halfhearted apology. As far as triggers go I am trying to stay on the straight and narrow and I read my narcissist literature every day. It has been week and a half since I have had contact and I feel good. Strong. That voice crying out wanting to be loved is being heard by ME now and I am tending to her. A trigger for me is checking his facebook randomly. I have no desire to contact or have him plead to me again but that is the one thing I am still in the habit of doing….checking in on him there. When you say to start NO CONTACT for me I find that a bit confusing because I think that putting out no emotion and as if you don’t care would be best tactic. I tried blocking him before and he came down on me hard, how could I be so cruel to just cut him out like that. And that made me feel like a punch in the stomach so deleting or blocking him is really my last thing that is giving me grief. Any thoughts? I am also sorry if this is the wrong blog to introduce myself or this problem in…..I am new. 🙂
Hi Melanie,
I’ve been watching your videos (all of them) and reading your blogs for some time now. I participated in one of your 3 hour Webinars. I’ve yet to join NARP, but will in the near future. My triggers right now deal with my 22 year old daughter who the exN has turned against me. We were always close when she was growing up, but then she left to go to college near the ex N. Well, she failed out (he battled with me over paying for that) has had 2 abusive relationships and is now friends with the woman the exN cheated on me with (who is not even involved with the exN anymore)…..when I asked her why, she was very defensive and we haven’t spoken for over 6 months. I worry that she may be a Narcissist–she has absolutely zero empathy or loyalty to me (I’ve been the safe parent since the exN left when she was 9 and her brother was 7). I feel so confused and hurt by her behavior and greatly triggered. I doubt my abilities as a parent to protect her and I feel so upset that she’s headed down a really bad path being around the exN. He, of course, is using her to hurt me and really doesn’t genuinely care for her, but she is so desperate for his love, she’s blind. How do I let go? As a (normal) parent it is so difficult to just sit back a watch your child being used.
Hi Melanie,
It’s been nearly 8 months of no contact. We broke up and I was hoovered back so many times before but this is the real deal this time. We were together 3 years and, like textbook, he love bombed and Told me we were soul mates and no one else in the world had a love like ours. Then the control and emotional abuse started. Verbal abuse. Stonewalling. The typical cycle, over and over .. Then cheating, then back together , all remorseful, then physical abuse started. I believed it was a spiritual connection it seemed that powerful so I kept wanting it to work. In the end it was so toxic and I was afraid and knew it had to end, so I moved a full day’s drive away to another city, I blocked all methods of contact – that was 10 months ago….but I still have dreams, so many triggers and I still think of all the positives and things that I miss every damn day. It’s like obsession, “why did this happen? Will I ever love someone again like I loved him?” “What is he doing now, who is he seeing and is he the same with her or different?” “Does he still think of me?”
I stay away because I know any contact will only cause pain.
I really want to stop the daily obsessive thoughts do I can move on. I’ve read a tonne and can’t talk to anyone -no one who hasn’t been through it understands why I can’t just “get over it”.
Can your program help?
Hi Kylie,
please know that is exactly what NARP does!
Hence why we all could dotox, release and heal.
Wishing you amazing relief and healing with NARP https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Mel xo
I have all the usual triggers, like cars. But one that really shuts me down is when someone speaks to me in a very stern voice, not yelling but aggressive if you will. I shut down, unable to move, speak or I scurry around trying to cover it up and make like nothing happened.
This happens with my stepmom, who I’ve decided no contact or distant contact. But it also happened recently with a man I am dating. Instead of speaking up, I apologized to him, which makes me sick (I didn’t do anything wrong).
I realize that when I was with the Narc, let’s say on a job and he would say or do something inappropriate, I would say, “darling, please lets stay professional and not say things like that, you never know it may offend the client”. He would blow up like a 2 year old, storm off and embarrass me, and I would be forced to continue on in front of my client. So I learned that his inappropriate behavior was better than the result of saying something to him in a nice way.
I think this stems back to my childhood when my stepmom would speak to me in a very aggressive and combative manner. I can’t avoid people who get defensive and can’t stay calm. How do I avoid the shut down?
Thank you, Mel. Today I’m trying to get over a recent event to return to work tomorrow feeling able. But at the moment I feel completely crippled by an event two days ago.
Hi Nancy,
how you avoid the shutdown is to find and release the original traumas that are causing it.
Once they are gone, you will show up, not hand power away and also be able to speak up for you.
Then the pattern can fall away from your life, once you have graduated (healed beyond it). These people are there to trigger and show you that wound so that you can release it and be free from it.
Does that make sense?
Come into my free webinar to learn how to find and release that trauma, and all others that are causing you to live a life lesser than the one you want. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Much Love xo <3
Hi Melanie,
I just want to say that my symptoms were triggered while walking around my childhood neighbourhood, because my partner lived there together too for a period of time during our relationship a couple of years ago. It was overwhelming as all morning had been suffering with seeing his clothes or anything at all that reminded me of him. While walking in angst I sudden told myself ‘NO, this is MY neighbourhood, I lived here first it does not suddenly belong to him’ and my anxiousness subsided dramatically and immediately. While it might have been a ‘heady’ logical way out of it which for the temporary relief, I couldn’t deny that the problem was obvious in that moment, that I had lost a sense of self, I had lost myself in him and what I thought or hoped he would be for and to me. And the instant relief in my emotions told me that, and that the real problem is no sense of self. And though I have a ways to go I know the healing has begun. I am so so eternally grateful for having stumbled on your YouTube channel. I’m dedicating myself to your healing now and love learning about why this has occurred. What I struggle with now it the abuse I am giving myself by continuing to think constantly about it. But I realise that is also still blame on him so I am not fully grasping the whole ‘self’ thing but I’m trying to be easy on myself because I am really only learning about this for the first time in my life. I also realise that I may have identified with myself as a victim which is why I keep going round I circles in my head with it all despite realisations like that walk. I know there is a cord to cut there, I feel I am getting there. Thank you again.
Very impressive, amazing and inspiring. I joined NARP at the “silver” level 6 months ago.
I have also bought a book and audio by Joe Dispenza because of the info in NARP audiobook. I want to help share this but my family will think I have flipped my lid.
Hi Michael,
that is so great you are a NARPer.
We know you are not nuts!!!
Mel xo
Hi Melanie
I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 23 years and am now finally taking steps to get out. I’ve been doing the work with NARP for a few months now uand I’m definitely moving in the right direction. Circumstances mean i am still living in the same house with the narcissist until we reach financial settlement and he continues to try to trigger me ever day , often using and manipulating our teenage children to get to me. What i struggle with is ‘the how old is this question’ when i work on healing and up-leveling from the triggers. Any suggestions?
K
Hi Karen,
That is so great that you are doing well and moving in the right direction.
Please know that there is no need to get the age if you don’t receive it. Generally if you don’t, just acknowledge the trauma as ‘ancient’ and then when you meet your inner little one in the healing, whoever appears, even if you have no age or details, is fine.
The information we can receive in healings is very helpful but please know in no way is it necesssry.
If you can feel trauma in your body and just be with it and follow instructions, you will get a powerful shift even if you don’t receive any information.
I hope this helps.
Mel ❤️💕❤️
I’m still living in the same town, and in the same flat I used to share with my ex. I feel uncomfortable and constantly get triggered by memories in the flat, and I get constantly triggered walking through my town, and even on the same trainline, thinking I might see my ex. How can I deal with this, I feel miserable most of the time about it?
Hi Sarah,
The way out is by going within.
The inner work is key. I’d love you to connect to my inner healing resources here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
It will make so much sense and bring you relief.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I laughed at the bald patch!!! My ex-narc would also have died hearing that.
I am well on my path with healing (thank you Mel!), still triggered ocassionally, but my kids are my biggest concern around this. Will it change for them as I heal?
Much love and gratitude.
Hi Gudrun,
Yes it is funny!
Absolutely as you heal your children do also.
Where our energy goes there’s does also.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Seems like alot of rattling on, gave up half way
WOW ……not sure how to describe the multitude of FEELS……suffice it to say….at 69, I am coming into my own….a first….BLESS YOU MEL & TEAM….just as you said I would….born 2 MO.premature,then raised by narc n alcoholic….no wonder I never questioned…..IT NEVER WAS ME..MY FAULT….
Didnt realize the weight, until it was lifted …GRATITUDE is not big enough to describe how I now feel. …ox Debbie
Debbie, please know how welcome you are.
Sending you love, blessings and healing from myself and the Team
Mel 🙏💕💚