Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Divorce A Narcissist Part 1

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
62
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This first article is Part One of a two part series

I think we would all agree that divorce is one of the most excruciating things anyone can go through.

Psychologists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe in 1967 created a list of the top 43 most stressful life events. Divorce rated the second most stressful, only capped by death of a spouse.

That describes a normal divorce.

But what about divorcing a narcissist?

THAT takes the stress to a whole new level.

I’ve been through it, and many people in this community have been, presently are, or will need to do so in the future.

Maybe you are divorcing from a long term or a short term marriage.

Many people need to divorce a narcissist after a long term marriage for one of two reasons – the narcissist finally discards you, leaving you for another source of supply – or you have reached the point where you have decided enough is enough and finally you are leaving.

Or … maybe your marriage wasn’t long term (like mine) and what started off in a blaze of love bliss complete with the “dream partner” and “the answer to all your prayers” ended up a holocaust where either you were discarded or crawled your way out of the carnage barely alive.

Truly, regardless of whether divorce comes from long or short term narcissistic marriages, it can be horrendous.

I really want to cover off a few angles in this article series starting with Part 1, this week’s article, which is about the emotional state when divorcing a narcissist and what we need to do emotionally and spiritually to get clear, get out and get well.

 

The Emotional Component

The emotional component of divorce comes first in this series for a very important reason.

Divorcing a narcissist is complex, and there are many parts to it – and many stressful, difficult and high conflict parts – and this I firmly know as a result of my own journey and through helping so many others heal and Thrive during and after divorce …

That the emotional component is the most important thing to get right, because from the foundation of a more solid, empowered, accepting self all of the energy that was previously tied up in anguish, heartbreak, despair and powerlessness is liberated, and you have energy available to create a new life, rather than stay stuck in the helplessness of victimisation.

A better life than you ever could create previously, even before being narcissistically abused.

I know that may seem really hard to believe right now … but I promise you that this can be your new truth after you get through this, and after you have worked through narcissistic abuse as the most powerful breakdown/ breakthrough experience in your life.

And it is my greatest hope that this article series can grant you the hope that it is not just possible – it is probable.

But trust me, this is not simple “Pollyanna stuff”. We will roll around in the pain points and the traumas over the next two weeks, and how to liberate yourself from them – so that you can get to the other side.

 

The Shattered Dream

Very few people get married “just for the sake of it” or thinking that their marriage isn’t going to last.

I previously held the belief marriage is for life, and as such, the commitment of marriage at age 35 was a very big deal for me.

Beliefs can be powerful and many of us took them very seriously many for religious reasons, security reasons, or just sentimental reasons. Whatever the reasons the fact is most of us were programmed to believe “marriage is forever.”

Therefore it is no surprise (especially if we are still in the illusion of “loving” this person) when we hold the divorce papers in our hands, that we are devastated that our dreams and hopes of a life with this person are now destroyed.

I know how this feels …

I remember that day staring at the divorce papers feeling like something inside me had died. The pain was so great I didn’t know how I was ever going to feel normal again.

At that time I was hugely in resistance to “what was”. I really wanted to wake up one morning and discover that the marriage falling to pieces to the extent of having to divorce him had just been a bad dream.

At that point in time I would have done anything to wake up and have my “wonderful” husband, life and future returned to me.

Today I know why I was in so much agony. I wasn’t in acceptance that there was a higher reason to this. In fact I had stayed far too long despite abuse because I refused to accept “what was”.

I had no frame of reference at that stage of my life to realise that “what my head wanted” (my personality) was not the real truth of my life – and that what “my emotions were screaming at me” (my soul) was the real truth instead.

No-one had taught me that.

In short, I had been ignoring the truth of my soul, life and necessary personal journey – which was to grow, heal and take responsibility to become the person who could generate a happy, fulfilling life for herself. Rather than be unconsciously (because I didn’t know any better) stuck in a co-dependent model – wanting someone else to provide my life for me.

As well as wanting someone else to provide my self-love, self-worth and value in the world.

Commodities that were my job.

But I didn’t know any of that at the time – and I would have been very likely to attack anyone if they dared suggest it – because the pain was so great of having my “dream life” torn away.

I felt victimised beyond measure.

Tragically I felt … I was not just losing the dream but losing virtually everything I had put into the dream.

Love, resources, money, time, efforts

… all of it.

I am sharing how it was for me – because I know I am speaking to many of you who are going through this right now.

The lessons of narcissistic abuse generally come at a price – a HEFTY price.

Virtually everyone in this Community who has been faced with intimate narcissistic partner break-up knows these agonies too.

One of the worst devastations for me was this: him lining me up – which meant that I had gone from being “the love of his life” to his “utmost enemy.”

(The truth was this had been happening all the way through the relationship anyway.)

This happens to nearly all of us when leaving / divorcing a narcissist … it’s simply par of the course.

That had me reeling in UTTER despair.

What I didn’t know back then is this: if we are not working solidly on our emotional inner state then the price of narcissistic abuse and divorcing a narcissist compounds and becomes even bigger … as we spiral down into a deep black hole of intense pain and victimisation.

But, sorting out the emotional component doesn’t come easily for many, and it certainly didn’t initially for me … and it may not initially be for you.

That is until you connect to a different way to deal with this.

One where transforming your emotional state is your highest priority – realising that everything can unfold from the foundation of a more solid and healed emotional state.

Soon, I am going to explain exactly how and why this is true.

If like me initially you choose to stay in the anguish of believing your dream life is over, your emotional journey and therefore practical journey within narcissistic divorce will tend to be excruciatingly painful.

However, if you do the work on yourself, and open up to the wisdom that this has happened for the reason of bringing you to the awakening of becoming your own self-generative creator of an incredible life – then there is a lot of work to do.

And the results can be the most incredible, joyous rebirth you could possibly imagine.

Yes, there will be losses; those are inevitable. But the gain far transcends anything you could put a price on. What is more valuable than your joy, empowerment and love for life on every level?

What is more valuable than being released from the literal bowels of hell into a true state of heaven?

I promise you … my heart goes out to you in abundance if you are divorcing a narcissist … especially if you still feel “in love” with this person and don’t want to accept that the marriage and the dream is over.

I did it really hard – and my job and mission in writing this article is to help as many people as I possibly can to NOT go through divorcing a narcissist the way I did.

Please understand I totally realise that even if you are NOT in love with this person anymore, divorcing a narcissist will be anything but easy.

That is until you make your divorce journey all about a completely different reason than the senseless cruel twist you thought it to be.

 

“Why Didn’t the Marriage Work Out?”

Naturally there could be a hundred and one surface reasons such as, “This person was an abuser”, “Life became unbearable”, “He / she left me for another person” etc. etc.

But I want to take this deeper …

I truly believe we were never meant to have a relationship that worked with a narcissist.

It’s actually impossible to have a healthy and genuine relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

People suffering from NPD don’t heal and don’t become healthy people – because someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is deeply unconscious and won’t take personal responsibility for the inner wounding that causes their horrendous behaviour.

Additionally he / she cannot give up narcissistic supply (the self-medicating of inner emotional pain) for long enough to meet, claim, embrace and deal with these inner wounds.

In stark contrast, the narcissist does EVERYTHING to self-avoid, garnish narcissistic supply and project their inner wounds onto others. It’s important to understand that if narcissists don’t do the inner work on their wounds – the exact reason they are capable of behaving in a malicious and pathological way any words, admissions and “sorrys” cannot hold up even if they were “genuine” at the time.

The behaviour is ruled by their emotional wounds and False Self. Narcissists literally can’t STOP the way they behave. And never could, unless they did take responsibility for their wounds and healed them.

By the time the cracks are wide open in the relationship and the cycle of violence becomes more and more frequent and more and more damaging (meaning: abusive event … damage resulting … reunite … tension builds … next abusive event …)  then the narcissist firmly believes he or she is the victim and you are the perpetrator.

This is the only way the Narcissist’s False Self can deal with what is happening …ZERO personal genuine responsibility that lasts – and you can argue, prescribe, lecture, demand and jump up and down on your head 1000 times and it will make not one scrap of difference.

The inner landscape of the narcissist is so pathologically damaged he / she CAN’T take and hold responsibility.

How many of us nearly died trying to get the narcissist to see what they were doing?

I nearly did … all because I didn’t want to have my marriage end, and I didn’t want to lose the status, dream, love, security and all the beliefs I had regarding marriage regardless of the truth that was smashing me over the head every other day.

Truths such as:

This person is not capable of being “well”, and I was never going to convince, coerce, help or fix him to get well.

He was not capable of loving me safely.

Nor was he capable of being an honest partner.

Or capable of making amends.

Or capable of stopping lies, abuse and criminal behaviour.

Or capable of working on himself for REAL …

This was not a marriage made in heaven – it was one made in hell.

He was not my soul-mate – he was my cell-mate.

He was NEVER, EVER going to be my life-partner.

So what was the REAL deal – what was it really about?

Here is the answer …

E V O L U T I O N

That’s the answer. And it’s not glib … it’s a BIG answer.

Because at the end of the day the narcissist is a non-entity – unworkable … an abyss of life-force that leads to “nothing” and “nowhere”.

So what are we left with?

ONLY ourselves … and all of the untangling in regard to “Why did this happen to me?”

And I promise you “Why this happened to me?” is a much healthier orientation than being snagged in “What happened to me.”

The first is an empowered orientation that will take your forward into Thriver consciousness and results, and the latter is a victim state that will only cement you deeply into more powerlessness.

 

Acceptance and Working With “Why” This Happened

Back in the first N-relationship – the marriage – I know I did not have emotional mastery.

This was in stark contrast to people who do the work on themselves when separating from and divorcing a narcissist; people who do fare much better.

The truth is narcissists are experts at feeding off your pain and fear – this is what energises them – just as blood feeds sharks.

This is why your greatest mission in divorcing a narcissist and healing afterwards with a minimum of fallout is to detach every part of you that is getting emotionally triggered.

By doing so you start disconnecting your energy and self and you starve the narcissist of fuel. This is what disarms them more than any weapon that you could throw back.

In fact, throwing missiles back when in emotional distress, fear and pain is the most potent fuel you can hand a narcissist – it is like throwing gasoline onto napalm.

I have explained the following over and over in my articles in various different ways – but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate here … especially when we are dealing with some of the most painful parts of narcissistic abuse such as divorce.

Quantum Truth allows us to understand WHAT is really going on, and WHY it is happening.

It helps grant us acceptance and the knowing there is a reason for this, and that there is something you can work with to turn all of this around.

Let’s dissect this piece by piece.

To start off … this is the Quantum Truth … everything is connected.

This means that ultimately we are ALL of it. What this means is there is nothing in our experience that is not relating to a part of ourselves.

Bear with me – because this part is really important.

There are two types of experiences we can have in life

1) Positive and loving, or

2) Negative and painful (and of course any derivate on both scales).

If we have a positive and loving experience this means we are subconsciously and consciously aligned on “that topic” otherwise the positive experience could not have been in our experience.

What I mean by subconsciously / consciously aligned is this: “What you want” is a direct match with your subconscious programming.

Therefore you are “integrated” and “more of you” (this integration) is showing up outside of you as you in your experience.

Now we know that divorcing a narcissist – as well as being in a relationship with a narcissist is intensely painful – horrendous.

And this we need to understand … we ONLY have power within ourselves, because that is where all of your life is being generated from … including your present experience with the narcissist.

This doesn’t mean we are “taking the blame.” What it means is we are acknowledging the deeper truth and looking to what we can change which is only ever ourselves.

We can’t change the narcissist – or deal with or work with them – that’s futile and hopeless.

So … rather than perceiving the divorce and horrendous things that are happening as a powerless victimised disaster – we can start accepting they are in fact a message.

A message to show us that our subconscious and conscious minds are not aligned on the topic of “love” otherwise narcissistic abuse and the divorce experience could not be in our reality.

But now it is our reality and it is showing us our wounds that we can heal. Parts of ourselves we can claim, and shift … and how when we get through this and emerge as healed and transformed we will no longer have to attract “messages about our necessary evolution” that are this painful and devastating.

Also, we will have the subconscious and conscious alignment to experience love that IS healthy and real.

Many people when stuck in the unconscious, victimised model (which I promise you is normal, I initially spent a lot of time there too) don’t believe this has anything to do with working on their beingness.

So … they continue the doingness – trying to combat the narcissist.

Making attempts to defend themselves against attacks without doing any work on their subconscious wounds to align with their conscious mind of “what they do want”.

And their wounded subconscious continues to produce in their experience (via the narcissist) all the evidence that supports the inner painful beliefs wedged inside them.

Let me grant you some really common examples that I have seen time and time again play out within people’s subconscious (until they do the work on healing them) over the last 8 years.

These are wounds from childhood that have never been healed – the wounds that the narcissist is playing on, battering and offloading his or her damaged self onto.

These are the wounds that are the very reason you got enmeshed with a narcissist (beneath the level of conscious realisation) and why you have had trouble letting him or her go.

It is the glue that binds you in this deadly game of love destruction.

These are an example of wounds which once found, released and up-levelled will cease to create this – by taking away the other half of the magnet.

These wounds are:

  • Feeling insignificant, unlovable and unworthy (Having suffered abandonment, punishment, criticism as a child and / or taken on that ancestral DNA).
  • Feeling like your boundaries were encroached, and you had no personal space, rights or truth (Having suffered violation, enmeshment as a child and / or taken on that ancestral DNA).
  • Feeling powerless to be yourself and express your truth, live your truth and be allowed to be yourself (Having suffered invalidation as a child and / or taken on that ancestral DNA).
  • Feeling like you are not worth loving, and that you are unacceptable as you are (Having suffered conditional love as a child and / or taken on that ancestral DNA).

I popped a post up in my Facebook Group regarding the producing of this article series and asked people if they had any requests or comments to share.

What was consistent, naturally, were posts of struggle and pain.

Some examples were: The reeling in disbelief regarding the N being so nice at the start and ending up a monster … and

The desire to keep rescuing and saving the narc from their own demise, and not being able to pull back from that … and

The utter devastation of being treated so cruelly.

(These are only 3 of many examples.)

We could look at all of this logically and state “Of course I would feel like that!” but if we really want to transcend, heal and break out of the painful patterns in our life, we have to ask ourselves this: “Why is MY tendency towards certain triggers different from someone else’s – even though they are being treated in pretty much identical narc ways?”

The reason is: because the higher purpose of the narcissist is to bring evidence to you of your existing inner painful programs as a whopping great super serve so that they get your attention.

What these three emotional topics above are really about are these painful unhealed beliefs:

“I can’t trust people who are supposed to love me.”

“If I fix other people then they can be safe and I can be safe.”

“People who are supposed to love me hurt me.”

What happens to, us as per the narcissist’s treatment, relates to our painful inner programming generally experienced in our childhood. The narcissist is unconsciously attuned to use your greatest wounds against you – because that’s EXACTLY what narcissists do with UNCANNY accuracy.

Then your emotional reaction of having these very young wounds, which are still alive in your body, ripped open again … grants the narcissist the fuel to attack you even more.

And your inner wounds generate the self-abuse of not being able to move past “what happened to me” even long after the narcissist is gone.

This is the reason why if healing is not taken to a deeper level – the healing of “why this happened to me” – people do not recover from narcissistic abuse.

Unless they can authentically just choose to let the hurt / wound go.

(Most mere mortals including myself struggle to do this with severe trauma.)

Go onto any standard abuse forum and you will see the evidence everywhere – regarding people sadly and painfully stuck in the regurgitation of “what happened to them”.

This is because they never break free with the understanding and healing of “why it happened.”

 

Emotions Come First

None of the painful subconscious emotional programs we accumulated were “conscious” decisions – they are not what you want and NOT what you thought you were signing up for with the narcissist.

These were emotional programs you absorbed as a child (emotionally experienced) in theta brainwave with no conscious sophistication to filter out or decide differently.

Every message with any emotional component was accepted as “true” – without exception.

The ones we are concerned about are the clumsy, thoughtless, crappy, and terrible ones.

By the way please don’t blame your parents even if they are narcissists. Their own subconscious and subsequent behaviour is created by the messages they received from their unconscious role models.

Heal your wounds from them. These are YOUR wounds … they are in your body (subconscious) regardless of how they got there.

Trying to hold anyone else responsible for them means handing your power over, and of course means you will never be healed.

Understanding our subconscious is key …

Our subconscious programs are firmly in control of 95% of our life with the power of our conscious mind being only 5% of our feelings, thoughts and actions by the time we are 35 years of age.

What is important to understand is the greater part of our programming happened before 7 years of age – the time when a child’s subconscious has the voracious ability to download and absorb astounding amounts of information in order to participate in the human experience. This is truly the feat of a “mega computer”.

Now … you might ask what this has to do with the practicalities of what you are going through with divorce … with custody … with property … with every anguish, hurdle and challenge.

The answer is: It has everything to do with it.

Because when you make this journey all about the necessary reprogramming of yourself, you will evolve beyond this “lesson”.

Then rather than showing up feeling the powerlessness and helplessness you felt within the emotional container of these young wounds (I promise you that is what is going on) you will be operating from an adult emotional container instead and this is when you will take your power back.

You start getting your power back by having the vital emotional inner integration to set adult clear boundaries, and make adult clear decisions.

From an integrated state (being free of the wounds) not only are you emotionally solid … inspirations also come to you about what to do, and you become an energetic match to attract the right people, solutions and support.

Additionally, because the narcissist is no longer receiving your emotional pain and fear as the fuel to feed his or her terror campaign (this can be simply emotionally energetic – not even “real” communication) he / she LOSES power and often has to take the projections, punishment and drama to someone else who will provide the necessary fuel.

Because of having their fuel line cut, many narcissists stop the behaviour and even do settlements and custody agreements all of a sudden for this reason.

When there is no more emotional supply to get, the narcissist has to move on.

But none of this is possible when you are stuck in your young unconscious wounds of pain, fear, devastation, powerlessness and victimisation – or anger, resentment, or any other negative emotion that is not aligned as grace, transcendence and true evolved personal power.

So many people, (generally those stuck in pain and victimisation) believe it is totally irresponsible to work on your emotions and not take action.

I am not saying, “Don’t take action!”

What I am saying is this: “Work on your emotions first! Heal your triggered powerless inner programs, and then you will take action that has a positive effect.”

There are people everywhere doing a ton of “doing” and “acting” against narcs with no change to their inner being – their programming – and the results are shocking.

There is no amount of “doing” that substitutes for “being” – because the total truth is: our entire life is being created from within.

Hence the TOTAL lesson of narcissism – the most dire state of unconsciousness – is for us to discover true consciousness.

From the most ghastly of darkness lies the seed of the purest of light.

(This is in fact another Quantum Reality – every-thing comes from no-thing.)

Okay … back to the real life playout …

Of course this is not about healing yourself and taking no action … of course you can defend yourself.

But the difference is: when you have done the work on yourself you will be able to take action calmly, factually and solidly in your integrity – which means not being emotionally derailed.

And no matter what the narcissist tries to throw (which will run out of steam sooner or later with you no longer feeding it) rather than being emotionally pummelled by lies, maliciousness, insane greed and accusations, complete betrayal by using information against you, attempted abuse by proxy and any of the other assorted nasty narcissistic tricks … you will have a benign emotional response (because you no longer have the matching inner wounds) and you will deal with it all factually and straight down the line.

Then … I promise you, you will see how powerless narcissists really are, and how they unravel.

Please lean into and feel what I am saying.

Something inside you cellularly knows this to be true …

It resonates, because it is the truth.

But you are not going to live this truth until you can either authentically let go of your woundedness and have no emotional charge, or you do the essential inner work on yourself in order to.

I hope this has helped you realise the deeper reasons why you are going through such a painful time in your life … and I hope it has allowed you some In-Sight (inner awakening) into what is really going on for you – as well as the knowing you are not powerless, and you can turn this around.

Next week in Part 2 …  I want to talk about some of the very painful aspects of divorce – such as being replaced with a new partner, fears for your children over custody battles, and the loss of money, property and resources.

Please stay tuned!

And please pass this article on to people who you know are suffering.

Finally …I would love you – especially if you are suffering a great deal right now with divorcing a narcissist or impending divorce – to join me in my next free Webinar The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.

In this Webinar you will learn exactly how to do the work on your subconscious, reprogram yourself and break authentically free from the holocaust of narcissistic abuse.

Click here to reserve your spot for the 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Webinar.

I look forward to answering your questions and comments below.

 

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melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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62 Thoughts on How To Divorce A Narcissist Part 1
  • gghk1@hotmail.com'
    Richard
    June 26, 2015

    This is so true Melanie as I am going through all this right now. The critical point is to understand why. And once you do, you can deal with it. It does however take time to recognise the subtleties of the Narcissist as they are happening, but my advice is to step back after the interaction or the news you have heard, and start reading between the lines. Then you will see it for what it really is. And when you see it, boy do the light bulbs come on!!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Richard,

      it is so true that the “why” starts to set us free.

      Hang in there, and wishing you every strength at this time.

      Mel xo

  • sharoneason@hotmail.con'
    Leigh
    June 26, 2015

    You are an amazing lady. A guiding light out of the darkness.
    Cannot wait for part 2.
    I thank you! X

  • amber.stewart@gmail.com'
    Amber
    June 26, 2015

    if he’s a narcissist you can install a stealth monitoring app on his cell http://goo.gl/jsNoPQ and easily find out. I’m considering doing it now that he proposed me. I really want to know what I’m dealing with before I go the priest.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Amber,

      the truth is there are people who have investigated every move the N makes, and still been hooked.

      Hopefully what you find out will deter you from being with him – if he is an N …

      Ultimately the breaking away is always about our own healing.

      Mel xo

  • maggiedpt@yahoo.com'
    Maggie
    June 26, 2015

    This makes COMPLETE sense. I am divorcing my narc after 7 years of lies, cheating, abuse. The BEST thing I ever did was finally get that restraining order so I could go No Contact (except unfortunately for trying to communicate through a parenting portal for our two young kids). But he is no longer allowed to chirp in my ear, manipulate me, tug on my heart strings. Best decision I ever made to be able to effectively disengage emotionally from him.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Maggie,

      that is wonderful you have been able to disconnect the “supply” … it makes a HUGE difference.

      I am totally all for parenting portals they are a brilliant move – makes a world of difference.

      Mel xo

  • Denise_mcc@comcast.net'
    Denise
    June 26, 2015

    Melanie, I can’t express enough gratitude to you for your words of wisdom. It has been my saving grace in my realization process. Thank you.

  • marndt1doc@yahoo.com'
    Mike A
    June 26, 2015

    You have got it!

    I feel blessed to have come back to this/your body of work, nearly one year after my massively chaotic, disruptive, traumatizing and toxic divorce process. As i approach the anniversary date i feel myself triggered into an inner rage associated with “unfinished business” attached to her attorney as well as the judge … who in my opinion were largely complicit in a court system that flourishes and feeds off the nacissistic mayhem oblivious to the perpetuation their roles play in generating more legs of abuse. But I’m grateful to have opportunity to redirect my awareness toward healing in accepting responsibility for my own recovery processes… as multi-layered as some of those challenges remain. Surrealism like, but…

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Mike A,

      it is sooooo about listening to when we have those huge emotional charges and shifting them … Are you on NARP to be able to?

      That truly is the bottom line between staying “poisoned” or being freed from it.

      Go get those charges in your body!

      Mel xo

      • marndt1doc@yahoo.com'
        Mike A
        June 27, 2015

        I’m just getting acquainted with the quality AND lucidity of your site Mel. That includes getting my mind around and working thru some of the brilliant readings. Previously noted the utube offerings.
        Lots on my plate currently, however, as i clear more space… I do look forward to engage the NARP process more fully as part of my recovery and thriving routines.

        And yes, I’m getting back into my body in more nourishing ways as inextricably interwoven with my quest toward the embodiment of emotional sobriety and vitality. Currently “detoxing” across several essential life areas that include relearning basic and finer points of ” taking care of” on a daily basis after a recent 3 week bout of extreme mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion earlier this month! Time to break out of that cacoon… And I’m confident i will find good quality, innovative and real resources here.

        Keep up the good work! : )

    • JewelinVentura@aol.com'
      Jeri
      July 7, 2015

      Mike

      I could not agree more. I thought mediating would be the best way to go to avoid an attorney. However the mediator was an attorney! At 700.00 per hour no less. After most of it was done my ex went in and had a screaming fit and they told us never to return. Humilating. He did not disclose assets so 8 years later I hired an attorney to send him a letter. I asked that it be sent to him at work to keep his new wife out of it. My attorney instead sent her copies of everything and billed me 350.00 to send each one. He wanted to start a war so he could drain me – financially and emotionally. My ex never left me alone. Even after he married. I hit bottom in 2007 from the stress of it all – 2 years after the divorce was final. The attorney was the last straw. I fired him. He falsified his bill. I took him to arbitration which was done by another crooked attorney who could clearly see what he had done but she ruled in his favor as they stick together. So….Yes divorce is devestating and the vulture attorneys then come along and take advantage of your devastation. Out of the 43 most stressful life events divorce is number 2. I have not remarried and I don’t think I will. I can support myself and I don’t have the energy to go thru something like that again. I wish I had Melanie then. Jeri

  • jdr.roberts11@gmail.com'
    Julie
    June 26, 2015

    Hi Mel, your posts are always so timely, thank you. Going through a horrid divorce and custody battle right now and my lawyer confirmed my Mum is actively helping my N husband and my Dad said he would help him get custody of our young son too. After “waking up” to the reality of intensely narcissistic parents and worse husband – your sessions last October had such a profound impact in terms of detaching, stopping the victim mentality and making me start this inner journey. I no longer give the N energy despite all the things he’s doing and he’s getting very destructive now but appears to be unravelling – what a change from last year. I know what you’re saying is the only way to heal and grow but with our young son still unwell and these ongoing issues time is flying yet I still need to do this work. Determined to do this, have to do this to create a new amazing life for my son and I. Will get back to the Community Forum and thrive. Thank you for being a guiding light and looking forward to part 2.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Julie,

      I remember our sessions together – and I SO admire your courage and fortitude to dig in with what is going on.

      I have NO doubt that you are shifting and creating through to the other side of what most people would be drowning in victimhood over – so thank goodness you’re taking the evolutionary path.

      Yes the N’s will come undone – because where there is light there can be no darkness.

      Absolutely the NARP Family Forum support is so important right now, also you can get guidance regarding how to do energetic shifts on your son using your body as proxy – as this can make an enormous difference to this health.

      So proud of you Julie!

      Mel xo

  • aiameeting@yahoo.com'
    Bria
    June 27, 2015

    Mel,

    You are absolutely accurate in describing N. Divorce. I was in a short term marriage of 6 months – you described exactly what is going on.

    1. Accept “What is”. Acceptance is the key.
    2. STOP wasting energy and focus on him to YOURSELF. Bring yourself back to YOU.
    3. Drop everything go on a 2 week vacation on NARP emotional healing journey with Mel’s audio.
    4. Do step #3. This is the single most important step in walking away from N.
    5. STOP ALL contacts with him – 2 week vacation should help.
    6. Re-read this article and the part about “Truths such as:”

    Good luck. It took 3 years to get out after 6 months of marriage.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Bria,

      Bless!

      It is so, so, so about getting clear and doing the work …

      That’s how we transcend this …

      Mel xo

  • aiameeting@yahoo.com'
    Bria
    June 27, 2015

    So true… He is NEVER, EVER going to be my life-partner.

    I had to revisit definition of a LIFE-PARTNER and LOVE. N. can’t, doesn’t, or know “how” to be in LOVE or be a life-partner.

  • summitdancer@Yahoo.com'
    Dianne
    June 27, 2015

    Melanie, reading this was a true turning point for me concerning my own situation. Much gratitude .

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Dianne,

      You are so welcome, and I am so pleased this has helped you a lot …

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • fresh.air1955@yahoo.com'
    Cinnamon
    June 27, 2015

    This just what I needed to read today ! I’ve done some work with Module 1 – releasing the pain – and it has been amazing already. I am planning to leave the long-term narcissist in my life and have been concerned about a few people who are pushing me to make a big dramatic break when I truly need more time to make permanent and safe plans. So – this encourages me to calm down and keep making time to make focus on myself. I just needed to give myself permission to follow my path. The inner work has already generated new people and resources (like Quanta Healing that you do) which are helping me to move forward step by step. I would not have found these resources without the inner shift and some seemed to just appear without effort on my part. Yes I am moving more slowly than many would want me to, but the journey feels valid and genuine – not chaotic and shallow. Thank you and bless you !!

    • bhramirez702@gmail.com'
      Bea
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Cinnamon,
      I am in almost an identical situation. I have been working on Module 1 for many weeks because a lot of pain keeps coming up. ( You can imagine how much at 55 years of age and almost an entire lifetime of unknowingly dealing with Narcs. ). I am very close to but not quite ready to leave my Narc husband. I am doing very well detaching emotionally thus, feeling stronger every day. I will know when the time is right as will you. This is a personal journey. Keep at it and know that I (and probably many others) are in the trenches with you.

      • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 27, 2015

        Hi Bea,

        Bless and big hugs …

        We ARE cheering for you too dear lady.

        Mel xo

      • JewelinVentura@aol.com'
        Jeri
        July 7, 2015

        Bea

        I am 59 so I can sympathize with you. It took me until age 57 to finally stop contact with my Mother who is the most destructive Narc in my life. And my father backed her and dealt out terrible abuse both physical and emotional. So of course I was a prime target for narcs and did not realize what was going on. I was just getting more and more depressed. Now that I found Melanie I understand so much that I did not before. I left a narc husband in 2002. Be prepared but don’t take too long. I was not prepared for the devastation. But your ducks in a row so it will be easier. My ex was from New Zealand which put a scary twist on it as he ran off to live there again. It is hard to get a fair deal if the spouse does not cooperate. Jeri

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      HI Cinnamon,

      I am so pleased the NARP Program is helping already.

      I TOTALLY agree with you – that it is much more sensible to make planes.

      There are two ways to leave … in a blaze of pain and reaction (which feeds the N fuel to belt you with) or with emotional solidness and strategic planning (which creates a much better departure result).

      It sounds like you are aligning and creating beautifully. I know you are going to do great.

      Kudos to you Cinnamon for doing the inner work and wishing you continued up-levelling and blessings in your new life.

      Mel xo

  • Curlewcat@gmail.com'
    Deborah
    June 27, 2015

    Thank you Melanie, I am so grateful for your program, I am finding my pathways towards healing now.

    I had a question about adult children and how to deal with the characteristics they have mimicked from their narcissistic parent. My children are in their 20’s and 30’s. They are reacting to the divorce and it is difficult for me to find balance between being loving and supportive and drawing boundaries with their own narc abuse towards me and trying to create a new healthy relationship. I am working with a good therapist who understands narc abuse. I am just frustrated with it all. Have you written anything on this topic. It is different than having young children.
    I believe my children do love me, they are just so used to behaving towards me in the manner they saw my ex narc treat me. They aren’t aware there is a problem until I point it out and then sometimes they react defensively and mimic the narcs behavior. Sometimes they recognize the behavior and try to change it.
    Thanks again for your authentic insight and amazing way of sharing the truth.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Deborah,

      I am so please the NARP Program is helping.

      I really want you to know that the energetic side of it is no different – the healing side – with older children.

      It is all the same shifts.

      Putting in Module 1 (or using Goal Setting Module) and shifting all the angst, pain and frustration you’re feeling regarding your children. When your Inner Identity has a different perception and vibration (beliefs) “about them” they will shift to meet you in your experience – they will raise up in vibration.

      Also I would absolutely check into yourself regarding any “guilt” you have … all the normal mother stuff regarding wanting to be loving and scared of laying boundaries because of any number of reasons ..

      Find and shift that.

      Boundaries are boundaries and are required calmly, solidly and with follow through – without lecturing or prescribing – but that may mean you have to do the work on yourself, regarding your children, to be able to execute boundaries in that way,

      I hope this has helped, and I would highly, highly recommend you be in the NARP Private Forum asking for advice and shift suggestions because there are people in there who have / are working through exactly the same issues with success.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Curlewcat@gmail.com'
        Deborah
        June 28, 2015

        Hi Melanie, thank you for your response, it helped a lot and I can see what I need to do with a greater perspective. I look forward to working module 1 with this and creating a solution. I will make use the forum too.

        I can’t tell you how wonderful it feels to have found NARP. The work is really hard but so rewarding and empowering. I used to continually sift through the Internet, books, forums, grasping at anything looking for answers to stop the aching emptiness and pain I felt.

        I love working the program and even though it’s really hard work and I am fairly new at it, I am excited with the results I am noticing. It’s hard to find the right words to describe exactly but I feel a sense of wholeness, connectedness and it feels right like I am finally heading the right direction. I feel real relief at times so I don’t want to stop. I feel I am finding my authentic self that was always there in my subconscience but is now becoming my conscience, anyway I am so grateful!

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    June 27, 2015

    It has been a year and a half since my divorce. I remember struggling for years on a toxic roller coaster of loneliness and fear. And denial! I was terrified to leave a relationship that was terrible; the fear was a terror that I would die without him. (Plus he had said I could leave but I’d never see the kids again. What a trigger that was! It was a very successful way to manipulate me, that worked for years. Turned out to be a lie tho.)

    It is cool to read this article now, and realize how much everything has changed. Where I am now is so much better than where I was before, either before or during the not-marriage. I am free, the kids are free. We live in a peaceful house. I hold myself in love and cherishing, in a way I have never been able to do, not ever until now, since incarnating on planet earth.

    I am still finding triggers that got me in the bad stuff in the first place, and up leveling those. I will admit I don’t really like doing the work, each journey is still a challenge. But am always glad to have done it, because each step is better than the last. Freedom is sweet!

    Blessings to all on their journey. You can win your freedom! Divine love and freedom are yours, are your birth right. Life now is filled with the greatest joy. As always, thank you to Mel for the NARP and your other tools. WOW!

    Love, Val

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Val,

      you have done such an awesome job of up-levelling and creating SUCH a different reality in 18 months.

      You should be so proud of you!!

      How great that even though you don’t like doing the work that you DO it!

      Bless you and your and your children’s freedom Val, I think we should be doing a Thriver Show together!

      You’re a true inspiration to many who have been through long term N marriages like yours.

      Mel xo

  • preda.mihaela@yahoo.com'
    MIKA
    June 27, 2015

    This is unbelievable . You and Kim Saeed saved my life .

    I live in Romania .here are little informations about narc abuse and recovery or at least i was not aware of something like this . After I went to see a therapist I was informed about personality disorders and narcissistic personality disorder. 3 years ago I was discarded by my narc ex husband . Melanie and Kim’s post have kept me alive . I have found Melanie blog and Kim’s blog Let me reach ,let’s say “accidentally ” but i do believe that nothing happens without reason . I was down for good : no home ,no money ,no job and a 2 years son in my arms .Melanie & Kim helped me to see who my ex husband is and to settle NO contact . After No contact I started to breath again ,to focus on me and my needs ,my son needs .I took also homeopathic remedies for abuse after talking with my doctor .
    It took me 2 years to fill the divorce papers .I am now in divorce and custody battle for my 5 years son .

    thank you for this post , much love .

    Mika

    • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
      Valerie Wedel
      June 27, 2015

      Dear Mika,

      Blessings to you and your son! I faced custody battle for my two kids, who were both afraid of the ex. I knew I would not be free unless my kids are too. The usual rule in my state is 50/50 custody, yet that did not happen. I had not done all the healing modules. But I kept dragging myself up into a space of divine love and protection. Faith. Plus, I put together quite a log of bad behavior, including letters form counselors I and the kids had seen. I was ready to speak all of this in court, but never had to. Divine love and protection carried the day. I kept asking Divine source for healing for all. Court decided the kids live with me unless and until they are ready to live with their dad also. So, they know the kids know are protected and heard, but the door is open for healing and reconciliation in what way may be healthy for them. Now, after doing the modules, I’m not afraid any more. I wish this for you also. Have courage. Blessings to you.

      • preda.mihaela@yahoo.com'
        MIKA
        June 30, 2015

        Dear Valery ,
        thank you for your kind words and blessing for you and your childrens . I found your story very inspiring and reading it I felt like you knew I need hope . I do have 3 complains to the police for physical abuse of me and my son but yet I fear that my son will suffer abuse and that he will be exposed to a disordered life if the judge will decide that he can live with his dad too. The same rule 50/50 is applied to my country about custody . My son is afraid of his dad and occasionally remember how he was pulled by his ears when involuntary made a stain on the carpet by dropping the Crayola marker .. I pray for Divine protection and love .
        Blessing to you and much love ,
        Mika

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Mika,

      I am so glad Kim and I have been able to help you.

      Kim’s resources are wonderful …

      You are so right, nothing is by “accident”.

      Mika do you know how to shift your subconscious with NARP? It will help you get through the process so much better.

      I’d love you to come into my next Webinar to experience this.

      Mel xo

      • preda.mihaela@yahoo.com'
        MIKA
        June 30, 2015

        Hi Mel ,

        I do not know how to switch my subconscious with NARP but I would like to experience this . I tryed to claim a spot for 14 july but it seems that the page was not found 404 error page . Can you help me with a solution ?

        thank you ,
        Mika

  • Jpilotolr35@gmail.com'
    Jorge
    June 27, 2015

    Not long ago after reading your article I came across my wife as she walked in into a financial institution where I was speaking to a loan officer that I have known for some time.I continue conducting my business in a normal way and then I got up and walked away knowing that she did not existed, just the way you said. I was so thankful to you. It is possible and gives the inner strength to know that everything you say is completely true and achivable and offers a different reality where now is YOU that matters, YOU doing the work to save YOU.
    Thank you very much Melanie.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2015

      Hi Jorge,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased you have shifted yourself to another emotional reality where she can’t affect you.

      Wonderful sign that you have broken free, as a result of doing the work on you to do so!

      Mel xo

    • marndt1doc@yahoo.com'
      Mike A
      June 27, 2015

      I love that! I’m in.

      “…now is YOU that matters, YOU doing the work to save YOU.”

  • roslynchristensen@bigpond.com'
    Roslyn
    June 28, 2015

    Dear Melanie, I thought I had found my Prince Charming. After the first twelve months of marriage my world fell apart. Cracks started to appear. After four years we started a family. I thought this would improve the situation. I stayed in the marriage for our two daughters and then they married and along came the grandchildren. He also gave them a hard time. Always in control. After 46 years being married and when the youngest grandchild was 10, I finally planned my leaving the narcistic person, I was living with. It is now two and a half years since then and coming to terms with this, is getting better slowly but surely each and every day. I have been thinking about divorce but being apprehensive. I know I will go ahead one day, but waiting until I know when the time is right for me.

    Your programes have been wonderful,
    Thank you,
    Roslyn

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 28, 2015

      Hi Roslyn,

      I am always so inspired with women who have gone through long term marriages to N’s who do break free.

      That is just sooo special and amazing!

      I am so pleased every day is getting better!

      As a suggestion I would shift the “reluctance” see what is generating it, and then you will have a greater clarity to make your choice.

      Bless and keep shining Roslyn 🙂

      Mel xo

  • ayesash@hotmail.com'
    wanting to b healed
    June 28, 2015

    Dearest melanie…one n a half month into narp n I am already a changed person. I can.lay down boundaries n know what my soul calling is. I can understand what authenticity means. I am no more a powerless crying person. I hav strength. I can visualise myself as a thriver down the lane. Cant thank u enough.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 28, 2015

      Hi wtbh,

      I am so, so thrilled for you.

      It was your time!

      Just gorgeous 🙂

      That is beautiful that you can “see” and “feel” the Real You – it means you are already creating her!

      Mel xo

  • smoyer09@gmail.com'
    Sally Tabanguil
    June 28, 2015

    This came in at a perfect time. Just starting the divorce process ans our first appearance is in 2 weeks. I new to this and have a lot of work to do. Thanks

  • Jpilotolr35@gmail.com'
    Jorge
    June 28, 2015

    Dear Melani,
    I as read your article for the second time I come to understand why this happened to me. It takes me back to my childhood and my father, a time when people who was supposed to love me hurts me. It takes me back to those days where I could not even put on my pants because the pain in my legs was unbearable. Of course I was going to allow my wife to make me believe at first that I was in heaven, that I have found my soul mate, but little by little over the course of over 13 long years I lost my own identity, I can not for the life of me understand how I just could not see the reality of my life of living with her and at the same time feeling so lonely but still loving her and knowing that she was going to be there holding my hand in my last moment. The things that she has done to me and how she went to find new supply dropping me of her life as if I was something worst than trash hurt beyond believe but you learn to survive.
    God manages to send Angels to help you and rescue you and I firmly believe you happen to be one of them for me, and for that I am very grateful to you.
    I simply could not have taken my first steps to recovery without your guidance.
    I know that I have a long way to go but it is getting easier every day.
    Thank you

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 28, 2015

      Hi Jorge,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased I can help …

      You are on the right path … keep going and I promise you, you will come out the other side of this the best you have ever been 🙂

      Mel xo

  • francisrupp@hotmail.com'
    Francis Rupp
    June 28, 2015

    Dear Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this article.
    I know everything in it, is true.
    In my darkest hour two years ago,
    I had this very long conversation with
    God( not by hearing an actual voice)
    But by opening up my mind to the higher power I was able to receive insight on things
    that had me questioning myself, believing it was me being the most terrible and sinful person and that I had caused all the drama myself. Why? I did some things that hurt others and I thought, I had to suffer the consequences. The answer to why, I did the things I did or why I was treated the way I was is one and the same.
    ‘ I needed to feel that I was truly loved ‘
    For I had dealt with emotional, verbal and physical abuse from my dad. But I had forgiven him a long long time ago.
    I understood that he did the best he could.
    He suffered a very traumatic childhood being abandoned by his mom and was raised by a N dad. My soon to be ex husband was too, abandoned by his mom and raised by N dad.
    Having compassion on these ones innocent young boys being abandoned and neglected.
    I focused on the healing of their wounds and never had my own wounds validated by myself. On my way in this healing my own emotional wounds. I got devalued, smeared and discarded by my husband. And even though it hurts like hell. Staying married to him will not get me to where God wants to take me. If my husband is not willing to take responsibility for his own healing of his inner wounds.

    Once again thanks for the article.
    And I want to confirm all you’ve written to be the truth.
    GBU for your wonderful work!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 28, 2015

      Hi Francis,

      it is so true that we can’t help anyone who is not taking responsibility for their own wounds – and by taking responsibility for them we forgo responsibility to ourselves.

      And in fact all of life.

      You’re so right – that is not God’s purpose for us.

      God’s purpose is unconditional love – which means stopping trying to change people in order for us to feel fulfilled – and allowing them to be whoever they choose to be.

      Because if we get ourselves out of the way, and they are misaligned – Life (God) deals with that!

      Fulfilment was always our own job anyway – you can’t “get” love, peace and happiness you can only “be” it.

      And “being it” does not include a life with N’s.

      Bless you too Francis and I am so pleased this information is helping you!

      Mel xo

  • doobes30@hotmail.com'
    Julie Kruger
    June 28, 2015

    Brilliant as always Mel – responsibility instead of victimization. It’s a hard one to face as you can feel even lower and ashamed to start with, but the end result – ooh la la! You become a new person and you have another chance at life. Thanks for all that you have done for me in opening my wounds and dressing them properly. My life continues to get better. xxxx

  • aiameeting@yahoo.com'
    Been through this.
    June 29, 2015

    After reading ALL of these comments. Only one suggestion.

    Do the NARP modules – Mel’s Audios.

    A QUICKEST and emotionally EASIEST way out of Narcissistic trap is just do the audios to HEAL yourself.

    It will change your life and your kids. Restores your emotional health and gets you back on track. I am not getting paid to do this.

    ~~A person who was married to a total sociopath.

  • marciasommers@gmail.com'
    Marcia
    June 29, 2015

    It is uncanny how ‘spot on’ your posts are, Melanie. Amazing.

    Three years ago, when Facebook revealed my husband was cheating while traveling on business, I contacted his boss (which resulted in his job loss), and moved him out of my home. Literally. I gathered a small group of friends, and moved his possessions to a storage unit. Then I took care of getting divorced, completely on my own. Last week he contacted me, wanting to know where a few of his possessions were – he had a list of items. He knows exactly what he owns. I wonder if he’s put his recliner in front of his storage unit with a Welcome Home mat out. He left me, his teenage children and his friends. His storage unit is all he has. I am so proud that I was able to calmly and unemotionally return the last few items to him.

    It took time and a lot of hard work to find the break-through you described. I kept believing it could happen, and I knew I had those inner wounds to heal. For me, the light has dawned; so many pieces of my life are better now. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • Debra654@verizon.net'
    Debra
    June 30, 2015

    Hopeless

  • debbie.saklatvala@hotmail.co.uk'
    Debbie
    July 1, 2015

    Having been through a previous divorce with a sociopathh I find my self in another marriage with a narcissist. I accept this is unhealthy and I need to get out however fear stands in my way. Fear of another ugly divorce, fear of starting over again etc I feel guilty for my 9 year old son in breaking a family up. I have started to notice that it is all about my husband and our sons relationship. I feel excluded in family life! He sees our son as an extension of himself and boy does he idolize his own image! So our son is not being physically abused and loves his dad alot. I feel that he is buying our sons affection in the way that he is always buying him gifts and taking him out and spends time just the two of them. My requests are dismissed and I am over reacting or too sensitive and my parenting ideas are not taken on board.Its almost as if he is trying to take over the carertaking role.I know our son will be devastated if I split with his dad but my older daughters from my first marriage see the emotional abuse and say to leave. I keep making excuses to stay and I don’t know why- even though I know something is wrong. I have gone through the usual affairs, running me down,rages and depression when he has no drama going on but every time I try and become strong he senses it and turns the charm on again.

  • Swansm50@gmail.com'
    Mimi
    July 3, 2015

    Melanie. Ths information could not have come at a better time. I am literally embroiled in a divorce wiith a full blown narcissist after 20 years of being discarded, blamed, ridiculed, accused, and abused. Now that the end is in sight, he has sunk to new unimaginable levels. It is beynd normal belief and thought that he could donand say the thngs that he does. After 20 years ths marriage never meant anything to him except for getting his supply from me. He says his “therapist” has told him he is not a narcissist and that in fact, I am!! What other a uses can ths man heap on me. He will never see the light of his madness and all I can say is that the day this divorce is written in the history books will be the day I am finally set free from this horrible experience. But as yu say Melanie, it will be a blorius day of freedom and rebirth. Thanks for all ofnthe valuable information I have received from you. Mimi

  • Terioster@msn.com'
    Teri
    July 8, 2015

    Great article as always. You are amazing!!

  • lisamari1968@yahoo.com'
    Lisa
    July 20, 2015

    This article speaks to me on many levels. My narcissist just informed me, via text message this weekend, that he is no longer interested in being married to me. While I was at work, he came home, crept in, removed his belongings and left his wedding band. He also informed me that he is back online–dating, cruising, trolling for his next victim, I suppose and making sure to rub it in my face. We were married a grand total of 9 months. All of this after he actually issued to me an ultimatum to marry him or lose him! Now that I am no longer providing his unquestioning supply (emotional financial, sexual, etc), I am no longer useful and in fact, scorned and accused. I have never been called the names he has used.
    I am hoping for as quick a disentanglement as possible. Your article gives me strength and insight. Thank you so much!

  • Serenitylady59@gmail.com'
    Jane
    July 26, 2015

    You write excellent articles. I was married to my N for 17 years. He moved our of state, cheated on me and has done everything he can to make my life a living hell. I got divorced on Thursday and he remarried yesterday. I have been dealing with all this for 8 months and it really is too complicated to go into all the many problems he has caused me, including a court appearance. We have not said one word to each other since Dec. 2014. But still it hurts. It isn’t as bad as it used to be. Talk about rejection and discard. IT HAS BEEN HORRIBLE. Two years ago he quit introducing me as his wife and only referred to me as “his female”. No amount of asking him not to call me that worked. I feel lousy.

  • Cathytrezzaferrara@icloud.com'
    Cathytrezzaferrara
    August 16, 2015

    I would like to hear about what I can expect when I go to court any tips are appreciated..

  • alice.smith22@hotmail.com'
    AOttawa
    August 18, 2016

    Great post. Definitely gave me a lot to think about and I can certainly relate to some the points you’re making. I’m in a verbally abusive relationship and need out. I’m stressed out whenever he comes home. I don’t come home until I think he’s gone. The only times we ever talk we’re fighting and it always ends with me a tearful mess. I think divorce is the only answer at this point. There is no more love in me for him. It’s been gone for a while and I don’t see it coming back. He found me browsing a divorce website ( http://www.thistoo.co ) and now it seems like things have gotten worse. He doesn’t come home some nights. I think he’s cheating but I barely care. I’d rather he not be here. My worry is that once the divorce process actually begins he’ll just get worse and worse and this will drag on forever. I can’t take that.

  • aimeebuch@gmail.com'
    Aimee
    December 10, 2016

    “I know that may seem really hard to believe right now … but I promise you that this can be your new truth after you get through this, and after you have worked through narcissistic abuse as the most powerful breakdown/ breakthrough experience in your life.”

    I needed to hear these exact words at this exact moment.

    Thank you.

  • Nfranxo919@gmail.com'
    Natalia Franco
    January 1, 2017

    This article was a true blessing for me to read. I was married to a narcissist for less than a year and was 29 when I got married. I thought I had chosen perfectly for myself and he was the most amazing man I had ever met. The turmoil of our marriage was almost unbearable to me to even admit to myself. I knew I was not being treated the way I deserved, but I stayed and kept trying to convince him we were meant to be together. After divorcing, we tried to get back together and of course it didn’t work. I have so many feelings of regret for going back and allowing myself to let someone treat me this way over and over, but I cannot explain the amount of love I had for this man. Now, I can kind of look back and realize that a lot of people have been in this same situation. He has tried to publicly defame me and ruin my character by outright lying. This has been hard for me, but I have to tell myself that he’s sick and this is just what he does, with no remorse. Your article has helped me in more ways than you can imagine. I’m actually considering writing a novel about my experiences and my journey in hopes that it could help others! Thank you!

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