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Most of us have heard the expression Soul Mate or Twin Soul. Different people have different ideas regarding what a soul mate is.

Some people believe a soul mate is our romantic partner for life.

Some people believe that soul mates are people who we can have any meaningful relationship with – even a parent, or a child, or a best friend.

I believe all relationships which we attract and participate in provide us the level of love we are currently providing for ourselves.

I believe a soul mate relationship is one that provides the highest vibration of love we can experience – as a reflection of the love we are providing for ourselves.

As I always say… everything without exception begins with self.

In this article I am going to talk about the key ingredients to attract a soul mate relationship – which is a partnership devoted to personal growth, authentic love, integrity and wellbeing.

 

The Loss Of The Person You Believed Was Your Soul Mate

Please understand this – if someone in your life has left you, abused you or does not want to continue a relationship with you – this person is not your Soul Mate.

This person, rather, was a match for your unhealed wounds and this person was attracted into your life and love experience to reflect back to you where you were at with yourself in regard to self-love and self-acceptance.

The experience of this person was a healing opportunity to make conscious for you what you needed to look at in regard to raising your ‘love vibrational bar’. Each of these love experiences are stepping stones, they are a part of the journey to making your way to your true desired love experience.

If you chose to focus on the pain of this person not working out – or make excuses for your own love experience by blaming this person for the relationship going wrong – then you have not taken the progressive gift of being able to heal what you need to. What then occurs is the inevitable attracting of identical love experiences until you get the message.

You can choose to leave a love relationship with another person but you can never divorce yourself. Until you change yourself you are walking forward into identical painful love experiences.

Taking responsibility does not mean getting stuck in blaming yourself and continually regretting that the relationship did not work out. Taking the gift is applying what you have learnt about yourself so that you can personally evolve and grow and move forward into love experiences which will be healthier and more fulfilling for you.

 

Taking Responsibility To Be The Love You Wish To Experience

When we are not loving ourself, and we are not connected to the truth of our inner being we feel emotional pain. We feel that we are unworthy, unloved and unlovable and then we try to make someone ‘on the outside’ fill this painful inner void.

We say “If someone would just love me I would feel better”.

We blame others for OUR feeling the pain of our inner void.

“If only you had been different.”

“If only you had loved me more.”

“If only you had changed YOUR painful inner void”.

Can you understand how powerless this is?

This is what CONDITIONAL love is all about – it is about external power seeking – which is futile and powerless.

Conditional love is this: “If I can change the conditions outside of me then I will be able to love and be loved.”  This translates to: “If you change the way you are – I may be able to love you, but I certainly can’t the way you are.”

Virtually everyone is doing conditional love in various ways for this following reason…

I don’t love and accept myself unconditionally and therefore I cannot tolerate you BEING in ways that does not allow me to feel love for MYSELF.

The point which so often gets missed here is genuine love starts from self. No-one can grant you YOUR feelings of self-love or self-acceptance.

You know how everyone says you can’t love someone unless you love yourself…

It’s completely true!

…And you cannot attract or receive genuine love and acceptance from another until you have become this energy to yourself.

It’s very important to understand that unconditional love does not mean tolerating abuse or getting knocked around – in fact it is the very opposite.

Let me explain…

If love is conditional – I have to change YOU to be IN-Love. Now I am going to hold you responsible for me not feeling loved and being happy, and I am going to stay attached to you to change you – so I can fix me.

Whereas unconditional love is – I can allow you to be whoever you wish to be, and in no way do my happy feelings and self-love and self-acceptance depend on that. If feeling full, healthy and happy means moving away from you that is what I will do.

Unconditional love always starts with loving self and then loving everyone else enough to allow them the freedom to personally create their own levels (or not) of self-love and self-acceptance.

If you are not being abused, and there are two people in relationship together focused in growth and being emotionally authentic with each other– a healthy platform of unconditionally loving and accepting self is vital.

Here is why…

It is only people who love and accept themselves, warts and all who do not suffer regularly from an empty inner emotional void.

The ‘painful inner void’ is the disconnection from our true inner being which infinitely and unconditionally adores us. How this happens is the seeing of ourself differently than how Source sees us – with the belief systems and thoughts such as:  “I am unworthy, not good enough, unlovable, defective etc. etc.”

That is the exact cause of all inner emotional pain.

It is all about self-judgement. It actually has nothing to do with the other person!

Now what happens is – if we feel this inner pain and we don’t love and accept ourself enough to take responsibility for it – we are going to BLAME this pain on our love partner.

This is incredibly self-defeating because what we are blaming our love partner for is EXACTLY the Law of Attraction statement we created from within ourself.

For example what is going on within me is: I feel unworthy or not good enough to be loved. Then you are ‘busy’ and ‘ignore’ me. This exasperates the inner feeling I had about myself and then I blame you for my emotional relationship with myself.

Where all along you were only granting me more of myself – and that was all you could ever do! I attracted my experience ‘of you’ as a result of how I felt about myself.

Yet if I had the ability to take responsibility for my own emotional state and love and accept my vulnerable feelings, then I would be able to change my inner being state which would then be automatically reflected back to me by you – as more of me.

I would be attracting the version of you which matches my self-loving state.

How ironic that when I no longer need you to show me attention to ease my anxiety that you are fully available to grant attention!

If I know I am taking responsibility for my vibration and I would still like more from you, I can then accept my vulnerabilities enough to be emotionally honest and ask for what I need.

If I don’t accept myself warts and all including my needs, and if I don’t see myself as worthy, then how can I expect you to? And then ironically I may BLAME you for my own feelings of unworthiness.

 

Falling In Love With You

I hope you are starting to grasp that conditional love is not the state of being In-Love – it is in fact trying to create ‘love’ from the outer – rather than being it and creating it from the inside.

The feeling of In-Love is an energy of self-acceptance, self-love and gratitude for self and life first and foremost and when this energy prevails you are already In-Love.

From this high vibration of love you share and spread this energy. This is an expansion of who you are – it is not the mining and getting of energy to try to fill your inner void.

It’s vital to understand – no-one else can grant you In-love, only you can. It is the connection to your inner being, your own Soul, and the vital love, acceptance and connection you create and maintain with yourself. Without being this connection with yourself you don’t have healthy love to share with another, you only have co-dependent love to offer.

Co-dependent love is a lack of In-Love. It creates a need to get it from the outside and fosters unhealthy expectations, blame, shame and unhealthy dependencies. Co-dependent love is an attempt to create genuine love by working against the force which creates ever reality in physical life – the Laws of the Universe.

If lack of In-love comes from within – then only lack of In-love can come from without.

 

Who Really Is My Soul Mate?

To achieve the true soul partnership you want in life – your true Spiritual Partnership – you need to mate with your own soul.

When you mate with your own soul you will be vibrating at an incredible frequency of In-Love – which means loving and accepting yourself. Then you will show up in life with emotional authenticity.

There will be no more ‘I have to be this or that to be accepted and loved’.

There will be no more ‘reading’ other people, and handing all of your power away, trying to be someone you are not and twisting yourself in knots just to try to be loved and accepted.

You can be honest about who you are, and truly love being the real you. You can invite people to meet you at this high level of emotional realness from where deep love and connection genuinely exists and can be shared. You will attract other people who are at this level.

You will finally know what it is like to be truly loved and accepted for being yourself

But really it won’t be the first time you felt what that was like – because you have already become that to yourself – and then you will experience it being reflected back to you through the eyes of your love partner.

When you are In-Love you have a full and happy life.  It means you are able to produce and have feelings of joy and happiness for yourself without needing other people’s energy and approval to feel worthy. It means that you know your own worth, you know you are worth loving and you know that you can have, be or do anything in life that you want when you directly partner yourself and life.

You know that you have an abundance of genuine and authentic love and acceptance to share – and you are doing this in life authentically already.

This is the level of a person who is a true Soul Mate.

So then who is your Soul mate?

Your Soul Mate is You!

Your entire outer life is only ever a reproduction of yourself.

Then…. you will be one half of a Soul Mate relationship with another Soul Mate vibrating at an authentic love frequency.

That is a Soul Mate Partnership.

 

How To Create A Soul Mate Partnership

I believe a healthy definition of a Soul Mate relationship is personal. I would love to share with you my definition:

A spiritual partnership of two people committed to personal growth, devotion to self, each other and the relationship and becoming the most authentic and highest vibration possible of love, joy, wellbeing and abundance.

So think about what your definition of a Soul Mate relationship is.

After doing so you can consider the personal qualities which are necessary to form this partnership.

Make a list of the personal qualities you would love to receive in a partner. Steer away from the materialistic and aesthetic details– such as ‘Tall and muscular’ and ‘he makes a lot of money’. Realise you are a vibrational creator who needs to be connected to your heart and emotions in order to create reality.

So it is much more appropriate to write on your list “I feel incredibly attracted to you. When I look at you – you make me melt”… and ‘You enjoy success in what you do, and love being connected to your purpose and mission”.

Know that by connecting to feelings the Laws of the Universe can and will line you up with the partner who matches these energy statements.

Continue to write out more feeling ‘points’ regarding all the qualities you wish this partner to have, and of course core values are going to be important such as:

“You have wonderful integrity. I love how I know your words and actions are truth and I love the incredible realness, connection and solidness I feel in your presence.”

Write as many items on your list as you want – do not hold back.

Know you can have what you want! Totally. This is not about settling for second best, this is not about settling at all! You deserve precisely the love partner you desire.

Now this is the important part…

Go through your list of all the qualities you want from your love partner and self-reflect them back to yourself honestly.

Do you embody these qualities that you seek in another?

Remember…water seeks its own level.

You will only attract what and who you are being with yourself and life.

When you go through your list honestly – if you are not embodying a point yourself then know you are trying to gain something from the outside from a position of your own lack.

For example if you had on your list ‘You adore me’, and then you asked yourself the question ‘Do I adore me?’ and you know you don’t – then you are trying to get ‘you’ from outside of ‘you’.

Any manifestation from a point of ‘lack’ will be self-defeating and even disastrous.

Here are the present future partner possibilities from this energy statement of inner lack.

  • Someone pretending to adore you who is narcissistic.
  • Someone who genuinely adores you who you will reject.
  • Someone who is unavailable to adore you.
  • Someone who could adore you but is repelled by you ‘not adoring yourself’ instead.

So for this reason it is imperative you make a choice regarding all the characteristics you are not a match on. Either drop the desire to receive ‘that’, or work hard on yourself to lift your game to become ‘that’ yourself.

Now here are the next steps:

1) Work on healing your own inner fears, insecurities, limitations and pain regarding yourself, life and others. The Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course is a great resource to release and heal your limiting beliefs and unhealed wounds.

If you are feeling constricted about love, and know you still have fear and pain, know you can take responsibility, work on yourself and sort this out.

2) Treat yourself how you wish to be treated. Make sure your self-care is self-affirming by loving, valuing and nurturing yourself. If you don’t care for and love yourself, you will attract someone else with low self-worth.

People who do not attend to self-love, health and inner wellbeing have very little to offer others in healthy ways. Once the cracks appear they treat others identically to how they treat themselves.

3) Create and live the life you want to share with someone. Connect to happiness, fulfilment and joy in order to attract and enter a relationship as a whole and emotionally healthy individual.

I really hope this article has made you more conscious of how important it is to mate your own soul so that you can become the authentic love you deeply desire to share and receive.

Your connection to Soul Mate comes from within. Then you will experience this glorious union – the highest most authentic vibration of love that is humanely possible.

If this article helped you I’d love you to share your thoughts in the comments.

 

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Commments (82) + Leave a comments

82 thoughts on “How To Find Your Soul Mate

    1. Great reading Melanie, you tap into some deep areas and its very helpful to take in and feel this learning and shifting on a soul level.. very important.. thank you

  1. Love your work Mel….it’s really nice to get these next steps going and/or confirmed. To move forward a little bit more. To know that this is what I have been working on and you have reflected this at the right time for me. Love the way it all works…. big hugs x

    1. Hi Julie,

      that is lovely that you feel the confirmation that you are on the right track!

      Yes it does all line up and grant the signposts of ‘Yes! Yes!’ along the way – that is exactly what your soul is doing lovingly for you!

      It is divine how it all works 🙂

      Mel xo

  2. This article by far was my favorite! It hit me like a ton of bricks….so true I can feel it in my soul. Now I need to get to know my soul better. Much work to do, but soooooo worth it!

    1. ME TOO! It is exactly what I needed to cement every thing I have read on this site. I finally get it and give myself permission to be my own soul mate. After 57 years of suffering. I am soooo grateful Melanie! Thank you from my soul.

  3. My comment here has two parts.

    First, I love this: “unconditional love is – I can allow you to be whoever you wish to be, and in no way do my happy feelings and self-love and self-acceptance depend on that. If feeling full, healthy and happy means moving away from you that is what I will do.”

    I had been so stuck in NOT realizing this for so long. Although logically, I have always wanted this, knew this was necessary, I continued to fall into the same type of codependency and feel the need to stay because even though I felt awful while in certain “relationships” I still felt identified by being ‘so and so’s” girl. If I lost that, who would I be.

    I finally actually FEEL this within myself now that what you say is so true. That being said however, I’m still becoming my own soul mate (an idea that is new and reading that was a light bulb moment) but at least I’m on my way.

    And second you wrote:
    “I attracted my experience ‘of you’ as a result of how I felt about myself.

    Yet if I had the ability to take responsibility for my own state and love and accept my vulnerable feelings, then I would be able to change my inner being state which would then be automatically reflected back to me by you as more of me.

    I would be attracting the version of you which matches my self-loving state.

    How ironic that when I no longer need to you show me attention to ease my anxiety that you are fully available to grant attention!”

    This part sort of distracted me from the rest of what you are saying here. It gives the impression that even with my ex, who was very narcissistic, if I hadn’t been the codependent, needy, addicted (to him) person I was, and instead had high self worth, self esteem and self love, then I would’ve received the love, respect and honesty I had wanted from him. In other words, my experience of him would’ve been completely different?

    Sort of makes me wonder if I had all those things, would he not have left perhaps, or would it be more likely that we wouldn’t have even been part of each other’s worlds at all?

    1. Hi Luann,

      that is wonderful it has resonated powerfully for you what unconditional and conditional love is…and that the only condition necessary is for you to be the caretaker of your own emotional vibration – which is never reliant or created by trying to change someone else’s emotional relationship with themself in order to make you happy.

      That model of love (co-dependency) is totally impossible.

      In regard to your second point – the answer is simple.

      If you are connected to your inner self with self-love and self-acceptance there is no vibrational possibility of entering a relationship with a narcissist period.

      It is not a match…Universal Law is Universal Law.

      You need to understand that the very definition of a narcissist is someone who does not change – the reason being there are no inner self resources to do so – and he or she doesn’t take any responsibility to do so (authentically) because the narcissist’s False Self is the all prevalent personality which has engulfed the narcissist.

      A narcissist may feign a connection to his or her inner self (which is essential for ANY love relationship to work regardless of what YOUR vibration is or isn’t) but cannot ever authentically be a healthy inner connection.

      Hence why the narcissist has the intense need to control the other person’s behaviour – and project blame on to the other person for the narcissist’s intensely painful inner void.

      The narc motto is ‘I feel inner pain and rage (I can’t be as wonderful and incredible as my False Self would like to be) and what you are or aren’t doing is the cause of it!’…

      This is the reality for any relationship the narcissist has after the initial idealisation (the excitement of new and wonderful narc supply) runs thin.

      The devaluing (as the reflection of the narc’s inner self) always follows, and the partner always falls short of the ‘conditions’ that the False Self demands to try to gain relief from the self-annihilating inner void.

      So leave all of that behind you as Not Your Reality and know that is not your vibrational future if you get partnering with your own soul RIGHT!

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

      1. Yes Mel. This helps immensely. Thank you so much for the great detailed response on my question. You have cleared up the confusion rather nicely. 🙂

        And this…You wrote:
        “The narc motto is ‘I feel inner pain and rage (I can’t be as wonderful and incredible as my False Self would like to be) and what you are or aren’t doing is the cause of it!’”

        That really does wrap it up doesn’t it?

        Thanks again Mel.
        Hugs.

  4. Melanie, your courses and energy have helped me so very much since beginning on my healing process from a narcissistic abuse relationship. All of your articles are so great, and I think this one is just so right on in explaining the necessity of loving ourselves for healthy relationships. Thank you for all that you do, I am so looking forward to next working on your new Empowered Self course. You are truly an angel,’ Big Hugs and Blessings from Canada oxox

    1. Hi Lindsay,

      I am so pleased I have been able to help!

      That is lovely that you have been working at your vobration and you are looking forward to the next level of inner aligning!

      You are so welcome and many blessings and much love to you too Lindsay 🙂

      Mel xo

  5. Your articles are so helpful. I have tried to leave my narcissist and met someone nice. I am still having such a hard time letting go of my narcissist and moving into a healthier relationship. I feel very mixed up and scared to. Leave the narcissist. So even after years of this struggle I still worry, it’s my inability to accept him as is and that he will give me no emotional security after 5 years of a future together. I. Am afraid I will still end up w no one. His x wife who lives out of the country with his kids , still visits and stays with him 2 times a year and he visits and stats with her every year. I am still hidden. He has never travelled w me. He has always put her as priority. After 4 years I finally verbalized how hurtful it is being sent home Sunday morning because he has to talk by phone w his family privately. I have to spend Christmas 2 weeks on my own each year while he shares that time with his family. 5 years I objected and finally said one summer while being left on my own that if the situation was never going to change I would have to try to change. I met a very nice man but I have still never stopped thinking about my narcissist. I can’t seem to let go. I continue to worry I will ruin my life. The nice man won’t stick around much longer and I refuse to believe the narcissist will never be there for me. I keep trying to work on getting myself stronger and clearer what is possible w my narcissist and what is not. I just refuse to let go. It’s a dangerous cycle so hard to break. Thank goodness for your articles, expertise and the enlightenment you have given me. Still a long hard way to go.

  6. Hi Lisa,

    It is really important to self-reflect all of this so that you can understand what is going on…

    I’m just going to say it how it is.

    Our love vibration to ourself is our point of attraction with others.

    Until you work on your unhealed parts (which your narcissistic relationship showed up for you) you will not be able to accept a healthy, loving relationship.

    You are right – you are not over the narc by a long shot – hence these things are still spinning around and around in your mind and emotions.

    Truly Lisa it is not fair to you or this new guy to be trying to have another relationship until you heal.

    You need to spend time on your healing and working on yourself – and that goes so much deeper than just reading information and articles – it is about committing to working on your inner you and for NOW not being in a relationship.

    This needs to be between you and you.

    In regard to you ‘accepting the narc as he is’…Lisa there is no level of doing that which could create the narc being happy with you – ever.

    No matter how much abuse you would accept (and you wont anyway) the narc has no ability to genuinely love and accept you because the narc is always tortured within himself and will scapegoat and project on to his partner (whoever she happens to be)..

    Whether this devaluing and disapproval happens piece by piece over several years or even decades(if you decide to be submissive)or explosively over a few months or years (because you try to stand up for your rights) – it happens….and will never stop happening.

    No one can accept you and be happy with you when they have no ability to accept themself…

    You are still hooked because there are enough inner pieces of you that are disconnected from your inner self that match the narcissist’s inner void…

    When you take responsibility for those inner parts (because no-one else can for you) you will look at what you endured as if looking at a mirage of the person you used to ‘be’.

    Truly you won’t be able to imagine what on earth you were thinking…

    Then you will be avaliable for a healthy non-narcissistic relationship – but not until you commit to loving, healing and transforming yourself.

    Self-avoidance is only going to grant you ‘more of the same’ pain.

    Mel xo

  7. I wanted to thank you for your insightful articles and inspiring emails.
    I am still reeling with shock over the end of my marriage two months ago. My husband, whilst displaying all the signs of narcissistic behavior, is also an alcoholic on ADD medication.
    He threw me out of our home in a violent and drunken rage and proceeded to tell people I had left him !
    He now says he cannot trust me and therefor cannot love me. We had a soul connection and a strong bond and people would comment on our apparent affection for each other.
    So much of what you write describes us but I still cannot accept it may all have been a lie.
    He is addictive by nature, hence the alcohol, and has also been a severe drug addict in the past. These things I know have affected his sanity. Are they common traits in a narcissist ?

    1. Hi Louisa,

      Yes that is very painful what you have had to deal with.

      Louisa narcissits are addicts period – narcissistic supply being the most prevalent addiction – but of course other addictions to try to ‘shut out’ the self-annihilating inner critic can exist as well.

      Not all addicts are narcissists though – and once the addiction ceases so may the narcissism.

      However due to the fact when he sobered up he still blames you – as has stated ‘you are not to be trusted’etc – which is narcissistic projection – it is more likely he does in fact have the personality condition of narcissism which will not change even if his addictions get cleaned up.

      Without accountability, ownership and him having any desire to change you have absolutely nothing to work with – and even if he did take ‘responsibility’ the fact he has smeared, fabricated and used justification to project his untrustworthy behaviour ‘lack of trust’ on to you…really all you can do now is focus on you and your recovery – because these acts are NPD point blank.

      Non personality-disordered people just do not behave like this…

      Mel xo

  8. Dearest Mel,

    I felt my body and mind physically relax when I read this latest article, which is what happens to me when I hear Truth spoken. A few months ago I finally felt I had turned a huge corner, and I have …. But no one has ever put it to me so succinctly in words as you just have. It was just what I needed to remain focused…. My deepest gratitude

  9. Wow this article really resonated with me. I’ve been out of my narc relationship for nearly 4 months (which was on & off for nearly 2 yrs). I felt amazing and ready to start again, until I started dating someone and all the insecurities and vulnerabilities surfaced again. That ended after 3 weeks, I know he wasn’t right for me, but all the pain and suffering hit me like a brick and I realised I’ve still alot of work to do. I also had some ‘friends’ in my life that I found brought me down and realised that in order to live authentically, I really needed to connect to my own life and the things I enjoy and are meaningful to me and so the ‘friendship’ I had with those people ended also. We had nothing in common anymore and I felt my growth restricted by them. I have other lovely friends and am looking to fulfill my own interests now. I was on the right track, got severely knocked off, but your wonderful words have helped me get back on track. Thank you xx

    1. Hi Kristina,

      This is great that you realise it is time to focus back into you, and get that ‘solid’ and then expand this out…

      Wonderful that you are back on track 🙂

      Mel xo

  10. I have always loved the idea of having a true soul mate , I think desire has been so strong to finally connect that at times it has been the one thing that has kept me alive during difficult times I have been through in my life. I know what I have to do and it’s exactly as melanie says and I am glad I invested in the quanta freedom course when I had the money available because I am making some real progress.

    1. Go Andrew, I have seen your comments before and am really pleased you invested in the course, it was probably the best thing I have ever invested in, in my life!!!! Congratulations, I would say ‘good luck’ but you don’t need luck now you have the course! 🙂

    2. Hi Andrew,

      this is fabulous that you are so committed to working on yourself! You are doing a fantastic job 🙂

      Mel xo

  11. This is the most powerful article on the inner workings of heart and soul that I think I have ever read! The comments from both the readers and from Melanie are pure gold, too. Thanks to you ALL for your wonderful selves. Thanks, Melanie, for providing this opportunity for us.

    1. Hi Molly,

      I am glad the article resonated with you, and you are very welcome 🙂

      Many of the points that do come up in blog posts are fantastic points raised!

      Mel xo

  12. Brilliant article, as always! While reading this, and while trying to understand why I, and others who have been in relationships with narcissists, feel the painful inner void, and the shame and anger at not being “loved right” by our partner, it occurred to me that it is because we aren’t COMPASSIONATE to ourselves. We don’t show ourselves kindness, and we don’t realize that burying and denying our pain doesn’t make it go away. We also don’t realize that we don’t deserve the pain. I think most of us have lived with inner turmoil for so long, it has become second nature.

    1. Hi Juliana,
      I like that idea of the reason we put up with narc shenanigans is because we lack compassion for ourselves. That idea feels very true for me. I remember being so compassionate and understanding for him, to the point of putting his needs so far before my own I had no compassion left for myself.

      Thanks for that piece of insight. 🙂

      1. Oh and I just want to add one other thing…
        What had happened is that I gave my ex all the allowances I never gave myself. And I accepted things from him I wouldn’t have if I’d had compassion for myself.

    2. Hi Juliana,

      That is so true that when we lost that love, compassion, acceptance and approval of ourself we total expect someone else to provide it.

      Absolutely living with the inner pain was ‘normal’, until we realise how unnatural it really is – and of course narcissists take ‘pain’ to a whole new level – one that simply cannot be ignored!

      Mel xo

  13. Again, another fabulous article, thank you so much Mel, you are truly amazing, I really liked the line ‘I don’t love and accept myself unconditionally and therefore I cannot tolerate you BEING in ways that does not allow me to feel love for MYSELF’ ~ I remember, when I was in the fiasco of the so called relationship with the ex narc how I used to think how wonderful it would be to be able to truly accept your partner for exactly who they are and I would genuinely try to do this; however, he could never be honest with himself let alone be honest with me but more to the point, what I later found out from you, was that neither was I being honest with me so what I wanted then was never going to happen at that point; however, I did learn my lesson! This article also reminded me of a meeting I had just as I had finished the last quanta healing session in the NARP program; I was sitting in a coffee shop I had been sat in 3 weeks prior (crying and breaking my heart over the ex narc), however, this time I was again, sat by myself although no longer crying and breaking my heart over the ex narc and as the shop was getting busy I cleared the table a little and invited an elderly couple to join me and we ended up having a truly delightful afternoon and in fact, as I was leaving I thought to myself, ‘how truly delightful that was’ and as I was walking out I heard the lady say to a friend she bumped into how she had just spent a ‘truly delightful’ afternoon with me!!!! I knew at that point that that was true love, a totally mutually exchange of a truly beautiful few hours spent in each other’s company where we all got the same intense feeling of joy and delight out of the exchange. I walked out of the coffee shop that day feeling 10ft tall and knowing what true love was and without doubt knowing that what I had with the ex narc came nowhere near close to that. I’ve got a few hours to go before I start work so I’m going to sit down with this article and really absorb and think about what you have given us as there is a lot of stuff in this article, thank you.

    Thank you Mel, much love and gratitude to you xxx

    1. Hi Karen,

      this is such a beautiful story – and one that is so true and important.

      True love exists everywhere when we are tuned into it within ourself – and bears no resemblance to the painful dance of external power seeking relationships.

      Real love flows, it is easy, it does not have conditions – it just ‘is’ – it is joyful.

      Thank you so much for sharing this gorgeous post.

      Mel xo

  14. Hi Melanie,
    This article on Soul Mates you have written really resonates to the core the whole issue of seeking outside of self what is within us. Thank you, you have put all that l have been learning into an easy to understand and assimilate format!!!
    Thankyou in Gratitude x

  15. ‘he is not my soul mate’….wow. That struck me. It struck because I was trying to have that kind of relationship with him. He is not capable of that. He said flat out he did not want a bond, and here I was trying to bond with him…if it wasn’t sad it would be funny….have you heard the analogy of the mouse that keeps going down the same hole looking for cheese, and when he finds none there, he keeps going down the same path, hoping next time, for a different result….insanity, it is!Looking for something that is not there, that I need to give myself in the first place….reminds me of Dorothy from the wizard of oz, who must come to realize what she seeks is within. I am beginning to see where I seek in others what I lack in myself, on a heart level…when I get triggered, it is showing me exactly that, so then it becomes a gift. Go in to the pain of the trigger….i see and feel the pain of what I lack and then I can give it to myself. Then the pain and longing for it from him and others disappears….and I am liberated…it is sinking in, two steps forward one step back….thank you for being here.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      Yes it is very true that if we keep doing the same things and expect a different result – that is insane!

      Gorgeous re wizard of OZ story – perfect! That was the entire powerful message of the fable!

      You are doing a wonderful job of embracing the truth and going within – and that is exactly where your love, divinity and freedom is…

      Your post is divine!

      Mel xo

  16. I agree with Francesca, I feel the same when I read your articles, at peace and like I’m whole again. 🙂

  17. I like this article. I am so proud and happy with myself and I am surrounded by people who see what I see: a woman of strength, bravery, generosity.

    I have found the power within myself to stand up to the x husband who is trying to take my half of our business away from me. I have worked hard to learn all the financials and hired excellent attorneys. I have a business proxy who works with me as I grow and show steadfastness of purpose.

    I am so worth it! My energy goes to taking care of me and letting go of what was. It is only important to be present to now and who I really am.I am willing to disappoint others when necessary. It is a good balance, one I now own.

    Thanks Melanie

    1. Hi Irene,

      This is wonderful that you have become so solid within you, and that you are proud of how far you have come.

      Brilliant that you are owning your energy and loving you with it.

      You are so welcome Irene, and keep up the wonderful work!

      Mel xo

  18. Sitting on a cafe deck on the beautiful islsnd of Nusa Lembongan about 30 minutes by boat from Bali i found this article a wonderful addition to a week of peace and relaxation. Thanks Mel

  19. Melany, as always spot on!! When you say the types of love partnerships you get when there un conditional love or not self love I said: wow I have experienced all of them! Yes!! More and more I realice I meed to fall in love with me! Working on it !!! :). Thank you

  20. Dear Mel,

    I wanted to thank you for the effort you put in writing these blogg entries. I have been through my second relationship with a narcissist and your writings are a constant reminder to work on myself in order to not ever have to face this again.

    I am a strong woman who has been through a lot in her life, often because I failed on protectiing myself from the wrong people and wrong situations. People around me keep on telling me how independent, strong, smart and beautiful I am. Still for me there are no doubts that I have problems to fully love myself and see the exact same person they are seeing. There is this great new dove ad that was published recently. I am sure most of you have seen it:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

    I could be one of these women. However, I am working hard on changing myself in order to fully heal. This is my chance and I am going to use it properly this time.

    Thanks a lot for all of your support.

    1. Hi MIa,

      thank you for this link – what an incredible ad – and so, so very true – how women don’t love and accept themselves – and how damaging this is to their life, until they heal it…

      This is a very powerful mesage for all women and thank you for sharing this link!

      I encourage anyone reading Mia’s post to take the time to watch the link.

      Mel xo

  21. I enjoyed reading this article thank you Mel. Recently I finished my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and feel a lot better. That relationship allowed me to heal several old patterns from my childhood that came from my grandmother, my father and my mother.My ex-boyfriend embodied all the patterns. It put me in mind of how painful all these patterns were as I experienced as a little girl and carried into the present. so I have my ex-boyfriend to thank for all that learning. My home is now peaceful and I realise that I love everything about my life. I teach little kids and love watching them grow and learn. I love their openness and honesty and vulnerability. Sometimes they tell me they love me and make me cards that took time and energy to make. Those tokens I always keep because they are precious and came from their hearts. My friends are precious and truly love me. I am now paying more attention at every moment whether requests or doing something is in my best interests am am saying a clear ‘No’ when it is not nourishing or will take something from me that I do not have or want to give. I have also realised all the ways that I have allowed my energy to be consumed by my ex-boyfriend. These things include doing things that tired me that met his need, allowing him to use resources in my home, allowing him to treat me disrespectfully in any number of ways. I was like a little puppy sometimes waiting for him to toss me a ‘crumb’. I now see it all so clearly and take responsibility for my part in what I allowed to happen to me. I am fortunate to have been able to end the relationship before any more time elapsed and have been ‘No contact’ for some time now. I am back to feeling happy, calm and peaceful once more and have been working with a counsellor and a kinesiologist to heal at an energy level. I feel so much stronger and sure of myself. I keep reading all your offerings on my computer and have your Quanta Healing Programme too. I have also devoured two very good books on boundary setting and am engraving this knowledge on my heart. So thank you Mel for helping me to understand more about what was happening to me in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and understanding what Narcissism was all about.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      You are very welcome. This is great that you have connected the dots and recognised the patterns and what it is you need to heal.

      This is wonderful that you are creating authentic peace, happiness and In-Love in your life from the inside out.

      Wonderful stuff!

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks so much Mel. I had another session with the kinesiologist and counsellor yesterday and what was really interesting, and something I’ve struggled with for all of my life and not understood, is that I have within me an inability to escape from destructive situations, my will is immobilized along with my innate resources, I have a lack of direction, defeatism and emotional pain. I cried and cried when that was discovered.I have drops to continue the healing work. I can feel myself getting stronger and clearer all the time and freer. Life is peaceful and happy once more and I have my joy back. Thank you once again for your wonderful website. I find that reading all that you write helps to keep me on track.

  22. As I have been growing and working out my unhealed parts (changing dramatically in a short amount of time), I have been lightly involved in a romantic relationship. I’m a little confused as to the Law of Attraction and how it works in this situation.

    When the relationship was initially attracted, I was destroyed and had no idea of self (I should have also attracted someone with a low sense of self, right?). But from the time the relationship began, it has been an awesome guide and blessing that has helped show me my strengths, weakness, desires, insecurities, and fear. I have grown substantially. At this point, I know I am a completely different vibration than the initial attraction, yet we are still connecting.

    How can it be that my vibration has changed so much but there is still a positive connection with a relationship that was initially attracted at a much lower level?

    Thank you for your work and all you share. It has changed my life!

    1. Hi CHris,

      truly as per what you have written it is not hard to work out at all…

      You have stated ‘I have grown so much in such a short amount of time’…so even though you recognise you were ‘broken’ – you (the inner you) whether or not you knew it had a strong intention to heal, take responsibility and to grow….otherwise you wouldn’t have ‘grown’ just because a person came into your life who ‘showed you’ how to grow…

      All relationships give us EXACTLY what we need to heal and grow – and you were an incredibly willing cooperative ‘part’ in growing and hence why this has been so positive..

      No-one could make you ‘grow’ to make them happier – you chose to do it consciously and willingly!

      ‘Helped show me my strengths, weakness, desires, insecurities, and fears’…is totally ALL about self-recognition and the desire and willingness to grow!

      So I am not suprised this relationship is beneficial and pleasing!

      Also the person you have attracted is obviously also someone who takes responsibility and someone who has grown as a human being – and is willing to still grow.

      I hope this makes clear sense!

      Mel xo

  23. Thank you Mel this is a lovely article . Just changes the whole perspective. I love the “mate with your own soul”is the most beautiful line i have read on this topic. Thank you for all your great work:-)

  24. I’ve recently discovered your work and publications…what a Godsend. I am 4 years out of a 18 year relationship (married 13 years)with a highly spiritual, highly altruistic narcissist. I had almost come to believe that I was truly crazy because the reality I saw and the reality I was told were so dramatically different. It was discovering your information that provided an epiphany moment for me…that I was still allowing his emotional cycles to affect me. We co-parent 4 kids (7-13), so No Contact is not an option. Your information has been so helpful in reminding me the he is a narcissist and will continue in his behavior…period. Thank you.

    On the soul-mate note, as I’ve been rediscovering myself, I have found an amazing man whose character is defined by his actions. He doesn’t explain himself or every situation, but simply lives. His actions have been consistent with who he is…day in and day out. His behavior with my kids is not grandiose, judgemental or preachy, but acceptance and encouragement. So much so that seeing the difference between him and her Dad, my 13 year-old for the first time is seeing that Dad’s behavior isn’t the only way for a man to act, and is talking to me about it.

    In this relationship, I still have to check my disfunction at the door, and realize that his character, not all the peripherals that a narcissist throws out, will demonstrate his beliefs. This post helps me so much to see how attractive his strong character is, and how I need to look at my own character (and other magnetic wounds) to heal, believe again in myself, and reflect those qualities that I desire within a relationship.

    The timing of my personal growth and discovering your website/information certainly is not a coincident. Your information and descriptions of narcissism and the powerful effects of narcissistic abuse is the clearest and most well-rounded that I have read on my 4 1/2 journey away from this relationship. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    1. Hi Laura,

      it is so lovely that you have become a part of this community!

      Fabulous that you have been able to separate from the apparant altruism and stay clear on the narcissism part – it certainly does help get things in perspective and free you to create and align with healthy love, joy and reality.

      That is wonderful that this new man’s behaviour is consistent, and that he is happy to be himself, know that stands on its laurels and has no need to act out to earn approval or be accepted.

      You are so welcome Laura, and it is wonderful that you are finding truths which resonate and help you heal.

      Mel xo

  25. It is the perfect time for me to read this. I thought I already had learned this lesson but I realise I was repeating the cycle …. Again. It seems to take a few attempts sometimes!!.. Here’s hoping it sticks this time :)) thank you for your continuing sharing melania

  26. Hi Mel,

    This is a really sensitive subject for me, and this article has brought up a great heaviness and sense of loss. I was wondering if you were going to address it specifically one day. I wanted to comment a couple of days ago but there is a lot of pain associated with this subject for me.

    I believe I met my soul mate when I was quite young, but it was a relationship that neither blossomed nor came to a satisfactory conclusion, for all the obvious reasons (obvious as in why I subscribe to your site). There was no abuse in that relationship, or at least I was not on the receiving end of any that I noticed. Other people had lots of advice, some thought I was not being treated right (or maybe just not the way I wanted to be treated? which you have addressed in your article) or was wasting my time, but others kept telling me it would work out eventually.

    Well, it didn’t. I was sort of aware all along, of my ‘unhealed parts’ but really too young to be self-aware enough to recognise and deal with them effectively. So it was never going to work, and I walked away over 10 years ago, and still I am not past this pain so it’s something I clearly need to do a lot of work around.

    I just wanted to to put in a little cautionary note, I ended up in a relationship with a NPD-ASPD combo, as I had given up on meeting my soulmate and had convinced myself that all subsequent relationships were going to be second-best, if that. In one sense it saved me from genuine emotional entanglement in that relationship, but I was too blinded by my pre-existing sense of loss to effectively defend my own integrity.

    But as you always say Mel, these relationships exist in our lives to show us where we need to heal.

    1. Hi AJ,

      I truly do not believe that there is only one soul mate. I cannot imagine that the Universe would be so cruel as to present us with only one soul mate, and then if that did not work out – too bad we have to go without…

      I also dont believe that a ‘soul mate’ is someone who we don’t get a recriprocated ‘blossoming’ with.

      What I do believe is that intense emotional connections are born from our familiar unhealed wounds – they are the parts of us from childhood that associated pain with love and are still playing them out with people.

      When I tune into Soul Mate energy – rather than it be the high emotional charge of unhealed wounds and anxiety showing up – which can be mistaken as ‘love’- it is more of a gentleness, more of a deep connection of the soul, more of a familiarity, a comfort, a deep truthfulness and a curiosity to want to discover more…

      I do not believe in any shape or form that someone who did not connect and blossom was in fact this Soul Mate for you – I believe this intense feeling was more to do with unhealed wounds – and specifically the unhealed wounds of someone you loved earlier who played out emotional disconnection with you.

      I believe when you reach the level of mating your soul that there will be numerous possibilities saying ‘Yes’ as recriprocal Soul Mates to your energy.

      That is what authentic In-Love creates – abundance and ‘more love’.

      I hope this helps dispel the myth for you so that you know you truly can become and deserve the authentic love you truly desire.

      Mel xo

  27. Thank you for your wisdom and understanding of the soul’s journey. Your words concerning everything that has brought me to this point in my life is perfect. Some of us are just slow learners I guess, but best to have got there in this lifetime than never at all. I needed to get this work done now; I don’t want to have to deal with this in the next lifetime!

    Yes, i was with a NARCISSISTIC woman that darn near took me out. My therapist helped me recognize the lethal personality type, but it wasn’t until I began studying your work that I recognized my pattern of co-dependency clearly. No doubt I was the perfect partner for a narcissist!

    All these years I have had relationships that really were my anchor and it took this last one to crack me wide open and do the work that is setting me free. Never really thought that my soul mate really is myself! But the sky is clearing and it’s a beautiful sight!

    So, my deep gratitude goes out to you, and I wish you and your partner a remarkable and joyful light journey. Til next time, David

  28. Hi David,

    you are very welcome.

    I totally agree that it is UNTHINKEABLE to not get this right, and have to return to repeat it all again! That’s why it is so worth getting it right 🙂

    That’s great that you have been able to take your power back and get to work with you! That is wonderful how you ahve put this ‘Cracked me open to set me free’…those words are 100% spot on…that is so true!

    You are very welcome David, and myself and my soul partner (myself manifestating into attracting another physical form in the future)is loving the journey knowing that life truly does support and adore.

    Mel xo

  29. Mel…yes this is pure genious concise truth….and the bugger! THE BEST MOST BEAUTIFUL BUGGER!!!
    YOU
    LEAVE
    NO
    WIGGLE
    ROOM! I read this and it’s waves of truth…and I smile and laugh and my ego keeps looking for a loophole(a way out of responsiblity and back to the comfort of codedependent crazies) but THERE IS NONE! Mel you shoulda been a lawyer…you write an iron clad contract for emotional health and soul joy that cannot be denied! Since I’ve always gone to the sledgehammer school of life I need your no punches held back form of honesty and especially the truth in BOLD which is what you do… you’ve shown me tough love and now my soul doesn’t want to escape from ME anymore……thank you for teaching me about how to love myself with more than the usual guilt trips, quips and admonitions BUT REAL SOLID NO WIGGLE ROOM HELP! XXXOOO Donna in Cozumel P.S. I’ve always been either bored, cynical or mystified about Soul Mates …THIS IS THE FIRST EXPLANATION THAT EVER MADE SENSE TO ME THANK YOU.

    1. Hi Donna,

      I had the most delicious giggle reading your post….I love your statement ‘no wiggle room’…

      I agree that our ego (and nearly everyone else’s) would love to duck shove responsibility – and make the object of our love responsible for the love we experience.

      Let’s face it – how successful has that expectation been?

      If we believe that someone else grants us our own connection to Source and In-Love we are very mistaken – and if we make them responsible for it then they will ALWAYS let us down, and we are NOT practicing love…

      What is the REAL purpose of love relationships?

      It is not to GET love…

      It is to grow and learn how to fully love and accept self – and only then can real love be granted and enjoyed healthily with another.

      Mel xo

  30. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE this post Mel!!!! I thank God that i found you Mel (nearly 4 years ago now)….and i have consistently done the work that i so desperately needed to do on myself. And then i read this post, and i have been re-reading it over and over the last week-SUCH PURE TRUTH! And the best bit for me is that i GET IT, and more importantly i can FEEL it, FINALLY!!! I feel lighter, happier and content in my skin-WOW!!! And when i think about dating, i feel excited, happy and not fearful or nervous (like i used to)-a massive shift even from our Qanta only about 3 weeks ago! Thank you thank you thank you Mel!! Lots of Love, Julianne xx ps and James left the country on Friday-how about that??? It’s over, i did it, only because of you!!!! xx

    1. Hi Julianne,

      that is so gorgeous that this article resonates with you.

      Yes you have done amazing work on yourself – and you have come so far. I am so thrilled for you that finally you are FREEEEEE!!!!

      I truly do believe Julianne you are ready to open your heart to a beautiful love relationship. You have been doing such a wonderful job of vibrating at In-Love – and this IS exciting!

      Julianne, truly we co-created. My part was only the showing you of what you needed to do for yourself. You are the one who committed to working at healing and loving and accepting YOURSELF fully – that was never my job or ability to do.

      Mel xo

  31. I have always struggled with the concept of the soul mate, thus it makes perfect sense to me that you are your own soul mate.

    I am separated from my ex for less than a year now and I am involved with a wonderful guy. I believe I am ready for this, yet in some ways I know that I am not. Trying to fully embrace the happiness he brings to my life has caused all my insecurities to come to the surface. While I know that it is too soon be in another committed relationship, I know that without this situation, I would fall into the trap of blaming my ex and not actively looking for my responsibility in our relationship. Thus I love how this article points me in the right direction to deepen the love I have for myself that I will in fact attract the right type of person and repel the narcissist. Thank you for that.

  32. I am so lucky to have found this site and information! I am just leaving a two year crazy-making, toxic relationship with a class “A” narcissist! What I have read here is SO spot on to the last two years of my life!
    He was starting to make me question my own sanity and every thing bad that occurred was blamed on me and I felt like my head and heart were “reeling” Push/pull, in/out, hot/cold, love/ignore…all in the same day sometimes!!! I feel sick that I let this go on for so long and I exposed this to my 12 year old daughter.

    The biggest wakeup was a morning recently when a morning cuddle in bed somehow, in a blink, turned into him raging again and waking up my daughter by yelling “shut your f%$#@n mouth” This was the first and last time this was ever. going. to. happen and I went to find a new home.

    I feel liberated and lost at the same time…
    Now I just need to get all my stuff out of his home and move on….love and honour myself again. Where do we lose ourselves in this?? I felt the red flags but focused on the good and then…slowly, it all became bad and unfixable.

    Thank you for sharing everyone and I will be looking to this for moral support as I have NO. Contact.

    Shelly

  33. Melanie, thanks for this post! I actually made a similar list many months ago, just as an exercise to ask myself what I am looking for in a man, using present tense like I was in a relationship with such a man already. Guess what… months have passed and I met someone who actually could be described using my list! Some points, I thought, were maybe not very common in male population, like one about not eating meat and loving and caring attitude towards all life, plant or animal. Well, this man is a vegan and keeps his own animals that look perfectly happy to share a home with him… My narcissistic ex totally ignored my animals, never wanted to handle them and once, when confronted about it, he said “well for me they’re just meat I could eat, only still alive”.

  34. obviously like your website however you have to test the spelling on quite a
    few of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very troublesome to inform the truth however I will definitely
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