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So often I receive emails and messages from people about how to heal from narcissistic parents, as well as narcissistic family members.

I know my information has primarily been about how to heal from narcissistic partners, because that has been my personal experience, but the reality is the wounds of abuse began in our childhoods.

Many people have used the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program in order to heal from narcissistic parents by puttingย the energy and pain of the abuse from that person into the Healing Modules (rather than an intimate partner) and have received healing and liberation as a result. Many people have also, after healing from the narcissistic intimate partner, then focused theย Healing Modulesย on a narcissistic parent (or family member)ย for the same result.

After discovering many areas of my own childhood and family of origin,ย which needed cleaning up, I started working on them with Quanta Freedom and the results have been so beautiful and liberating.

Iโ€™ve been able to mend and grow the relationships with my non-narcissistic family members more in the lastย 5 months than I had inย my entire life!

This has got me very excited, because it means I get to help you achieve Family of Origin healing results too!

In two weeks times I amย releasing a mini-healing Quanta Freedom Program which is called Transforming Family of Origin Wounds.

Over the next couple of weeks I will be talking about what I have learned since targeting my family of origin wounds, the potential growthย which occurs as a result of healing them, and everything else you need to know about this mini-course.

 

The Link Between Childhood and Narcissistic Relationships

Even if we didnโ€™t have narcissistic parents our childhood can present many wounds which require healing. This has been my personal experience after going through a second narcissistic relationship โ€“ and realising just how much more I still needed to heal and clean up.

As such I would like to share the intense healing focus I placed on my childhood wounds, in order to make enormous changes within my healing journey and my life.

My parents are not narcissists, and in many ways I was very fortunate. My parents were always supportive, they backed everything I wanted to achieve. I always had a roof over my head, food on the table and was fortunate to grow up with parents who had high levels of integrity and were very decent and upstanding people. I was always taught good manners and great morals. โ€˜Doing the right thingโ€™ was a high value in my family.

However, and this is important to understand, not all parents did a perfect job. Emotional intelligence has only been recognised very recently, as well as the effect family messages have on a childโ€™s subconscious โ€“ and how powerfully this affects that childโ€™s lifeย thereafter.

Absolutely, if one of your parents was a narcissist there was a great deal of abuse regardless of whether or not your survival needs were met. Itโ€™s vital to realise that even non-narcissistic parents were not skilled and trained in creating healthy mirroring.

It was a very rare parent in any family who taught the essential messages of establishing a healthy sense of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance.

I know that many of you โ€“ if you didnโ€™t have narcissistic parents yet suffered narcissistic relationships โ€“ will relate to my story, and I know that those of you (and there are many) who did suffer a narcissistic parent will as well, because in reality you suffered a great deal more than I did.

Even though my parents were not narcissists, my circumstances were ripe for me to get enmeshed in future narcissistic relationships.

 

Conditional Love and Emotional Distance

My childhood was very performance based. I learnt that I was loveable for โ€˜how well I didโ€™, and that recognition and approval was forthcoming with achievements or if I was complying to certain standards.

My parents were very busy โ€“ they always worked hard to provide. My mother was immaculate and she did not tolerate any mess or disarray. We were not able to be โ€˜just childrenโ€™. She made it a point to have us clean, perfect organised and in bed when Dad came home โ€“ ‘seen and not heard’.

She played the roleย for a man who needed his meals cooked, the house spotless and the children wonderfully behaved, or out of the way so that he could unwind and relax. Of course she was doing what she believed was how the perfect mother and wife should be.

My mother never seemed to have time for deep personal conversations or just โ€˜hanging outโ€™. I found that I could not spend time with my mother bonding, getting emotional support or just โ€˜being lovedโ€™.

My fatherโ€™s attention was very engulfing. He tended to take over things in my life, was always pushing me to be better and had very high and exacting standards. I certainly did not feel loved or accepted just for being myself with him. He was also unavailable for emotional advice and support.

As I grew up I had the quandary of always acknowledging my parents cared for me, supported me and were there for me practically โ€“ which I was very grateful for –ย  but I never felt understood, emotionally supported, โ€˜heldโ€™, โ€˜cared forโ€™ or โ€˜listened toโ€™ when I felt I needed them the most.

Interestingly after my first narcissistic relationship, my mother, when I was broken down to suicidal point, was incredibly loving and supportive. She was a โ€˜rockโ€™ to me. ย I felt like I had the mother I always wanted, yet when I started to recover I felt our relationship went back to being strained and distant again.

I had always felt there was some underlying resentment or competition between my mother and myself. I felt that she did not support my work, did not understand it and was not proud of me. I felt that every time I tried to gain her approval I was shut down and the subject was changed. I felt that I did not have a loving bond with her at all.

There was a great deal of pain with my father as well. I was often deeply hurt by my father not protecting me when I was abused, attacked and set on by the narcissistic partners I had in my life. I would feel devastated when he would state things such as โ€œIt takes twoโ€, and would even encourage me to โ€˜patch things upโ€™ and would put materialism first regardless of the abusive, pathological lyingย and insane behaviour that he was well aware of โ€“ including abuse by proxy, threats and even physical damage, as well of as course the emotionalย agony of these relationships.

I was mortified that he was not protecting his only girl child, and putting my soul and emotions first. I felt violated, unprotected and totally devastated.

 

Time To Really Heal!

Understandably I knew I had big Family of Origin wounds.

After my second narcissistic relationship, and I hit the ground again โ€“ I knew I had to go deeper and REALLY look at these.

I knew I had to go back into my childhood andย authentically heal. If I didnโ€™t I was simply going to again end up in another narcissistic relationship, and keep playing out the subconscious patterns of never feeling good enough, not being unconditionally loved and supported, and being emotionally deserted, unprotected and devastated.

Also I had to totally own and heal my own fears of connecting to love and accepting love โ€“ hence why I was attracting love partners who were extremely damaged and personality disordered โ€“ย who were not genuine and not capable or available to authentically love, connect and support.

So in I wentโ€ฆwith the full intention of becoming healthy Mother / Female and Father / Male energy within myself to heal these wounds determinedly.

The healings that I have created in the new mini-program are exactly these healings I worked out how to do on myself.

So that is what I did – I went inside, fully went into โ€˜what had hurtโ€™ with my parents, claimed these wounds and started to shift them.

What I found was nothing short of incredible. There were many specific incidents that came up when I went โ€˜insideโ€™. Some of these were so painful that at times I rocked, wailed and howled to let them go. Wounds with our parents are incredibly deep andย powerful.ย The process at times wasย intense,ย andย profoundly freeing.

I also found deep, genetic, ancestral and DNA belief systems that completely explained the relationship my parents and I were playing out together. I worked on these wounds with my Mum and Dad solidly for a week.

Because I do so much Quanta Freedom Healing on myself (I get through shifts very quickly) โ€“ it only took a week of a few hours a day to really do the work. Besides I was ready โ€“ I was totally ready to do whatever it took to be free of these wounds, and meet them with every ounce of authentic vulnerability and loveย I had for myself.

I had had enough of living out the results of these wounds in mind-bendingly painful love relationships.

I simply could not go on doing that.

 

The Miraculous Shifts

These were the results of doing these healings on myself.

The day after completing the healings Dad came over to my house. Normally I would feel like I needed to keep my distance. His energy could be very powerful and overwhelming and would have me โ€˜on guardโ€™.

This was my โ€˜normalโ€™ and something I had always felt even since a young child. From a very early age I had felt my fatherโ€™s energy as intimidating, harsh and uncompromising โ€“ very โ€˜my way or the highwayโ€™.

When I was playing out my โ€˜normalโ€™ truly I didnโ€™t realise how โ€˜abnormalโ€™ it was, as I was so used to feeling like that (the same applies for all of us).

Immediately I was aware of a completely different experience. He felt โ€˜softerโ€™.I felt softer.ย I wanted to give him a hug and a kiss, and I didnโ€™t feel engulfed or threatened by his presence. The energy felt completely different, and I wanted to connect to him. It felt safe to do so.

A couple of days later Iย had another incredible experience. My Mum walked into my office and I got up to say hello. She grabbed me, hugged me told me she loved me and how proud she was of me.

What was miraculous was this: it was exactly what I had seen in my inner vision when I did the healing shifts with her โ€“ and now it was happening in person. I had NEVER had an experience with my mother like that before โ€“ at least not one I could ever remember.

From that day onwards my mother and I started going out for lunch together once a week. We now chat like girlfriends. I can talk to her about anything โ€“ and she listens. I love her and connect to her now dearly.

Both of my parents are now completely different in my experience โ€“ they have changed. But the only reason they changed is because I changed. I changedย my inner programs that were playing out our โ€˜stuffโ€™.

Every week now I have a card night with my parents. It is our regular date and we love these nights. These nights are incredibly loving and fun, and I canโ€™t believe how fortunate and blessed I am now to create a relationship with my parents that I have never had before.

For the first time we are an authentic loving familyย – and they are in their 80s. They are not going to be around for much longer, so how incredibly fortunate I am to be able to heal โ€˜usโ€™ before they leave the planet.

I feel so blessed to have been able to achieve this. Trulyย it was worth every ounce of narcissistic abuse I endured to reflect these wounds back at meย (just this alone) โ€“ and I am determined now to love them and spend as much time with them as I can before they pass away.ย That is a definite cherished value in my life.

Another notable experience has been their reaction to my emotional authenticity. As a part of my dedicated healing journey I made a firm commitment to myself to be emotionally authentic with everyone in my life. This meant speaking the utmost truth of what I needed or how I felt. No more ever sitting on emotions, bottling up and not expressing honestly who I am, or what I feel.

I announced to everyone in my life that is what I was going to do –ย with love of course. This level of emotional intimacy has extended to my parents, and it has been incredible how I can now speak up lovingly, rather than walking away with angst.ย 

My parentsย are nowย exactly the same with me, and we experience an incredible template of honesty, trust and connection. We have a true relationship of emotional intimacy – knowing how we feel, what we need and honouring each other.

It is so beautiful!

The other day my father did a slip up (clumsy and not thinking) and I was in tears of absolute gratitude and love (not pain)ย when I was able to tell him honestly how I felt and he immediately apologised, and then the next day told me again how sorry he was.

My response was โ€œDad I love you so much please donโ€™t feel badโ€. Once upon a time my father would have much preferred to be right than happy, and would not have let go of his pride and apologised.

 

More Powerful Shifts

The changes as miraculous as these have been, have not stopped there.

I already had a wonderful relationship with my son โ€“ and that has deepened even more. I also previously had incredible difficulties having friendships with men. I have had manyย insecure orย controllingย partners projecting their beliefs on to me that men are not to be trusted, and it is not โ€˜okayโ€™ to have male friends (which I had previously accepted).

Now I have wonderful male friends who I can be really authentic with, and trust and I certainly donโ€™t struggle with the old anxieties and fears I had around men โ€“ and the fears of being engulfed, threatened or controlled by them. That was my previous โ€˜Dad stuffโ€™.

Certainly male friends will never again be an issue in my life regardless of whether I am single or in a relationship.

I also have created new female friendships which are connected, warm, real, vulnerably honest and engaging – as well as deepening existing female friendships.

Theseย sisterhoods haveย none of the โ€˜distanceโ€™ and โ€˜angstโ€™ that I really didnโ€™t realise I played out previously. I am no longer operating at that old level of โ€˜normalโ€™. I know how much more I connect at true heart level, and how natural and freeย this feels now. The old model was my previous โ€˜Mum stuffโ€™.

Healing these wounds has been nothing short of incredible โ€“ I think you can understand from what I am sharing just how powerful this is.

 

What Is Really Important In Our Life

I canโ€™t even imagine what it must be like for you, if you know youย don’t have theย ability to mend certain family relationships. Iย understand that if you have narcissistic parents or family members, it is very hard for you โ€“ because regardless of how much you heal and shift, relationships with narcissistic people arenโ€™t healthy.

This is the fact of the matterย all of us need to accept, regardless of who the narcissist is. Of course this can be hard to accept if this person was a spouse or partner, but even more devastatingly so when this person is a family member โ€“ especially a parent โ€“ which we have all been conditioned to believe is supposed to love, nurture and care about us.

Truly my heart goes out to you.

The truth is healing Family of Origin wounds needs to be first and foremost about yourself. It is about releasing your wounds so that you can be whole and healthy and free โ€“ and so that you can relate to yourself, others and life in healthy and whole ways โ€“ in order toย attract and maintain healthy relationship with people who do have the ability to add healthily to your life, rather than detract from it and hurt you.

When we heal ourself, there may be people whoย we know we need to do No Contact or Modified Contact with, because our first commitment in life is to honour, love and commit to our ownย emotional wellbeing.

When we heal our wounds this becomes much easier to do โ€“ because when we do become whole, we act as healthy people do โ€“ which is with the utmost self-love and self-respect.

Then we can drop the fears of what other people are or arenโ€™t doing โ€“ or the losses we may have experienced, or the material, or the โ€˜practicalโ€™ or what other people think. We realise what is really important in life, which is creating a healthy life of genuine love, and this always starts by loving ourself first.

We realise that how we appear to others, what we have and status and acquisitions are only egoic. They do not provide us with happiness. Who we are being in life is the only path to true happiness.

When we wish to claim Whoย We Really Are,ย our goal is to createย many wonderful authentic feelingsย to share as genuine love โ€“ and we realise that everything in our lifeย which is authentic and of value is created from this platform.

None of the drama, fighting, pain, pathologiesย or angst of toxic relationships is worth anything โ€“ it is not worth the approval, security or materialism we may feel we need to โ€˜complete usโ€™โ€ฆit just isnโ€™t real life, and we certainly donโ€™t have to accept it as such.

We do have the power to create authentic love and living, because there is an entire world of resources to do that with, once we get the resources within ourself aligned, loving and authentic.

Thisย is never reliant on what certain people in your life past or present are or arenโ€™t choosing to do.

My parents did not need to shift โ€“ I wasnโ€™t doing my healings for that response. I had no expectation or attachment to those outcomes. It was not about trying to gain their approval or love, it was simply a firm commitment to heal myself and set myself free.

The wonderful thing is that people (including my parents) who did have the resources to meet me at this more authentic, loving and higher vibration did โ€“ and continue to do so every day. This is the vibration I am committed to living at โ€“ being the healthiest I can be on the inside and co-creating connections with others at this vibration of emotional authenticity.

Since doing these shifts I haveย made some hard decisions about other people in my life who donโ€™t vibrate at authenticity, and thatโ€™s okay. I wish these people all the best on their journey โ€“ but I am no longer doing relationships of ego and scapegoating โ€“ because life is too important to me to allow my vibration to be amongst narcissistic or non-authentic tendencies.

Next week Iย will share some information about the specific shifts in the new mini-healing Program and what the integration of divine Female and Male energy really means.

It will be wonderful to share with you how Female and Male energy affects us,ย and how all of us can integrate the Female and Male within in healthy ways to enhanceย our ability to love, accept and believe in ourself as healthily integrated and whole human beings.

I know this information will fascinate you, as it has myself, and can explain so much as to why we may have struggled to really partner ourself, feel complete โ€“ and how we have painfully tried to chase and gain these painful missing parts of our childhoods from outside of ourself โ€“ which of course has been a big factor in playing out co-dependent and painful behaviours and relationships.

Thank youย for reading this articleย and please feel free to post any comments or questions below.

 

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84 thoughts on “How To Transform Your Family Of Origin Wounds Part 1

  1. This is great! I’ve recently decided and acted on that decision to distance myself from family with a respite of indefinite time.

    I think family of origin is where the foundation is for our lives and lies at the core as the cause of our choices, usually unconscious ones, as to who we pick to be our friends and mates.

    I had already known that on the surface, but believed I’d been making a better choice this past time around. Not so. And as a result I learned a much deeper lesson about my wounds and pain.

    I’m pretty certain my father was disordered in some way…BPD is my guess but I can only guess. There were hints of empathy at times. But not ALL the time.

    And my sis has some pretty telling traits of narcissism as well. Whether it’s a PD I don’t know. But the relationship has been toxic for me. Mom’s the enabler.

    I did what I needed to do for me. I would love to REALLY be a family. But not sure that will ever happen. My main concern is healing me to reach authenticity. And I’m choosing to do that without them in my life at the moment.

    I’m so looking forward to this new chapter in your work.

    1. Hi Luann,

      yes it truly is when we see the pattern again – that we say ‘Yep more to do’…

      The choices we make are sooo deeply unconscious it may mean that conscious awareness and even conscious application is not enough…because the deal is ‘the wound’ is what we attract and play out period.

      When you do release these wounds and really step into your authenticity you will definetely see those who can shift come with you.

      Your ‘family’ will be the people in life that you are open to, aligned with and who reflect back to you more of you…and that will be glorious whoever these people will be.

      Many people’s ‘famalies’ are not biological – even though of course it would be lovely if your family does shift with you Luann.

      Mel xo

      1. “Not even conscious application is enough…”

        So agree with this Mel. You can’t think your way through life. And it’s only so long that tactic will work, and only on the surface.

        I’m guessing because not only do we attract the ‘wounds’ aka other injured people who mirror us, (it’s just LOA in action) they play out because we follow our emotions into the ‘play out’ mode. We want to be with those people. We fall for those people. We are hard wired basically to ‘put up’ with their BS…etc.

        I wish I could just reach inside and just pull out all the damage. With closing the door on my family, I’m feeling like I’m falling without a net.
        Even though it’s very necessary and after so much bad treatment including scapegoating, I’ve had enough.

        But I can feel the floodgates are beginning to open. So many of the memories are coming up and the pain of the many realizations is just…well I’m beginning to feel but I can still feel the resistance.

        I know it’s fear of the intensity. So I know I’ve got lots of work to do.

        I am ready for a ‘family’ that cares, loves and has each others best interests at heart…biological or otherwise.

        Thanks for the response Mel.

        1. So true Luann,

          that we are ‘programmed’ to connect to and play it out with people who match our wounds and keep them going.

          The entire healing journey is about stopping making these people responsible for fixing our wounds (which of course they never can) and pull away and take responsibility for ourself.

          Then we enter onto a complete different trajectory in regard to the people we attract and are attracted to.

          Through QFH healing – you can pull out your damage…and that awful feeling of the gaping hole regarding the unfulfilled desire of love, care and support can be filled.

          This upcoming Progam will help that a lot Luann. And of course you can face and release this pain with NARP as well. It is coming up for you, because it is time to release it.

          Once you have cleared out the pain, wounds and dysfunctions from within you, your cherished desire will have the ‘way opened’ to materialise in your experience..

          That can’t occur with the anchor of the emotions in the past – they do need to be released to make space for the new.

          Mel xo

    2. Hi Luanne

      A quote for you from one of those wooden-cutout signs that are popular lately… “Friends are the family we choose”… and a lovely story that goes with it… a social group of ‘Orphans, Misfits and Escapees’ that I’m part of for Christmas Dinner every year, do a secret santa, gift swapping game.. I put the sign in as a parcel. Once the ‘sign’ was opened, everyone there wanted to swap what they had opened when their turn came around… It is the simple things that mean the most to those of us who choose our families wisely. ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. Thank you Alison.
        I love that quote. I’ve seen it before in my travels and I always nod and let out a “Hm. So true!”

        I read below it’s been 20 years since you’ve been away from your family.

        I wish I’d had the consciousness and wherewithal needed that long ago. If I had I may have been able to relieve myself of the depression back then. Hm. I would’ve been 27. And my life was a mess back then for sure. I did have a family of friends, but frankly they were all (as was I) toxic.

        I’m starting over completely now. The one friend who was really there for me when things ended with the ex for me, is becoming re-involved with an abuser and very manipulative individual, so I’ve had to let her go also…for my own well-being.

        Question for you. Do you still have any photos of your family? The reason I ask is because I do and I have been wondering so much about what to do regarding them?

        I know what I do is my decision. But I am just wondering what others have chosen to do.

        In all my coming across others who discuss cutting ties with their FOO (family of origin) this subject doesn’t come up.

        Thanks Alison for the supportive email. I’m feeling a bit raw today.

        1. Luann,

          I put family photos and memorabilia in storage tubs and have them in storage. I am 53 now and have gradually moved farther and farther away from my family of origin, both physically and emotionally. My father, the narcissist, is now like a balloon on a string: I know he’s at the other end but I take him very lightly. A few years ago I said, “I forgive you for everything,” and he got tears in his voice (we were on the phone) when he said “Thank you.” Though he is VERY unconscious and never really takes responsibility, I know that released ME to say those words out loud and to do the deep painful work that led to saying them.

          Nevertheless, I am now with a narcissist healing the wounded beliefs that I now am coming to understand and forgive. Healing is an onion with many layers and many tears. Years back I realized there were two concurrent needs in my life, one) the relationship with the ACTUAL person (who could die anytime and I would regret not loving and keeping in contact with), and two) the inner person who is part of my MENTAL FURNITURE. Over time, as I move my mental furniture around to suit the ever-growing me, my outer relationships either improve (as they have with my mother), end or exist with such detachment that I barely think of that person (my father and narcissist sisters). The greatest gift I now have in relational to almost everyone is NO GUILT.

          Finally, as I go through yet another round of learning from my current narcissistic boyfriend, I continue to accept and embrace the family of the heart that God gives me on a day to day basis. Sometimes even one conversation can feed my soul for a whole week or month.

          It is strange, this narcissistic journey. But I sense so much compassion and wisdom in all the entries I read. I am in CONSIDERABLY less pain than I was nine months ago when I first started casting about for some way to stop the confusion and unfairness! It was so surreal and at times it still is, but I thank God every day for this website and for your work, Melanie.

          LauraG

        2. I’m in the same boat. Pictures of family–do I put them out of sight, or look at them lovingly and relish happier times when we were younger and my mother hadn’t been successful in convincing them to turn against me? I know that was a process that took years, so healing can’t be overnight. I need to hear from you.

      2. Hi Luann

        I just looked back to this post (a week later), sorry, I didnt realise you had asked a question of me. Like Laura G (also replied to your post, I put the photo albums in a box for many years. One day I unpacked them and put them on the shelf with other photo albums. I very rarely look at them, and if I open them it is usually to show someone what I looked like 30 or 40 years ago (I too am in my 50’s). The energetic attachment is no longer there with any of the other people in the photo’s and the memories dont hurt anymore, because photo’s were (usually) taken in the better of times. Photos are only coloured paper really – they cant hurt you unless you give them that power. Our past will always be part of us, with or without photo’s – but just ask yourself if you really want to be unable to show some-else what you looked like or the toy or game you enjoyed so much as a child – those particualr coloured papers still give me a warm feeling, and the rest is just a background. Bless you in whatever choice you make – the solo journey in life is not always easy, but for our own ability to be truly free and to grow – it can be necessary. My blessings go with you. Alison

  2. I am looking forward to future posts on this. I have been spending a lot of time recently feeling family of origin wounds and seeing how they clearly relate to my inner stories of not being worthy of love just as me and of not being enough. I have really been trying to figure out how I can have a relationship with my parents while putting my self care first.

    1. Hi Elle,

      I hope the future posts will help.

      Absolutely the ‘not worthy of love / I’m not enough’ beliefs are kickers! So many people carry these…understandably…

      When you shift the belief your parents may reflect back to you EXACTLY what your new state becomes…If they have the ability to vibrate at emotional authenticity they will start moving there 100%.

      If they don’t, they will simply try to prod you and goad you into coming back down to the level with them that they can relate to you on…

      The one they are used to operating at with you…because you changed without them.

      Either way you will know and then you will know how to honour you.

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Elle, I just wanted to jump in and share a little bit of my story with you in hopes that it will keep you company on your journey. I recently ended my relationship with my mother after nearly 4 decades (beginning in early childhood) of working on myself and also working so hard on my relationship with my mother that I didn’t fully build my own life. I have healed a great deal and have begun to build a beautiful life and as i did that, there was simply no room for her anymore — not because I don’t love her deeply, I still do, but because her narcissistic and emotionally abusive behavior became such a poor fit that even a 5 minute phone call every two weeks or so took too much of a toll. Everything about our interactions vibrated with the truth that, for those short stints, I was out of alignment with the true me — and being out of alignment with myself was something I could no longer do. And so, I walked away. During the goodbye conversation I felt amazing peace even as she begged, threatened suicide, engaged in attack and, finally, wished me well before returning to attack and hanging up. I’ve certainly felt moments of pain since then, but the pain of ending the relationship and the bits of pain I’ve felt since were nothing compared to the pain I felt before I walked away. For the first time in my life I am free. So, I say all that to say that I hope you find the answers that are right for you. My relationship with my father had challenges as well and when I drew boundaries with him (as I had also done with my mother), he rose to the occasion and we ended up having a beautiful relationship for the last fifteen years of his life.

  3. Hi Mel (and others) – it is truly amazing how you manage to hit the nail on the head! Thank you for sharing your journey of childhood. I saw so many similarities it brought me to tears. My parents weren’t Narcs, but I’m sure there was other stuff going on which caused the physical and emotional abuse and distance I experienced. I have been estranged from them for over 20 years (by my choice) and I have often been judged by the world as socially unacceptable due to that.
    I become a strong independent self-reliant woman, had a string of unsatisfying relationships and then the NARC. Even though I have healed from the NARC(via NARP – again, bless you for that!)the next relationship I got into was not satisfying (you and I spoke about this via email recently Mel). And I have been so fearful that I will still not be able to have a fulfilling relationship because of my family of origin ‘issues’.
    Maybe this new healing you have developed will help me finally put to rest my other ghosts and fears and I will be able to love unconditionally and attract unconditional love and support. It is too late for my parents and I, but there are sure to be surrogate parents in the future who I will enjoy allowing to get close to me – something I have often resisted. Great job Mel – as always – you have your energies invested in healing for the world, not just yourself – lots and lots of of love should come to you! Alison xxxx

  4. Hi Alison,

    you are so welcome – it was really important for me to share this – because I know how many famalies were in ‘doing’ and ‘survival’, and then of course there were the horrifically abusive childhoods that took it all to another level.

    Anything other than being mirrored back to us our loveability and worth was very damaging – because as children we had no ability to create that for ourself.

    Thank goodness as adults we do!

    I do know my journey Alison is for a much greater reason than ‘personal’ – and I have truly accepted that – now more than ever in my life – and yes I am also aligned with the personal love I deserve and desire!

    Thank you for your lovely blessing ๐Ÿ™‚

    I know this new mini-program can help you a lot and get straight to what you need to heal.

    Big hugs Alison ๐Ÿ™‚ You totally deserve real, authentic love, in abundance and in unlimited ways, and you WILL create it – from the inside out.

    Mel xo

  5. Hi Mel,
    this is truly exciting to stumble upon your site, and have been very actively pursuing the programme since I received it a week or so ago. This became important, and today’s blog arrived at the right time. All the members of my immediate family, I now realised are Narcissists. A term I understand too well.

    My experience has been extensive, going into hospital at age 21, and finally leaving a few years ago. No one ever listened or questioned the state of my poor health. In fact, I was told on my 28th birthday, “we didn’t think you would make it this far!” Gobsmacking to me!

    The good news is, I am now 59, and unfortunately my parents are no longer alive to see this growth of mine. I came off medication 20 months ago, lost 44kilos and monthly a significant diagnosis. No longer need a walking stick, or hearing aids. The last year has been tough. The therapist finally listened to something I was saying about a year ago, and told me “wrong diagnosis”!

    After the rage subsisted, I found out it was MUNCHHAUSEN’S BY PROXY was the true and sadly real diagnosis. Armed with that information, I have been reversing my medical abuse situation as well. Today, is a very different story, I am learning about the world at large, and greedy for life. Many wonderful people coming into my life and connecting with family who were not allowed to contact me for 30 years. Daily, it gets easier, and now feel less foolish. This has been very difficult, and I was wondering where I was going with all this…

    In the last 18 months, the Universe literally has provided people and opportunities as I have needed them. Magically, and always at the rate, I can handle…truly amazing. Each time, I thought this was no longer reasonable, something would happen to allow me to continue this quest. A fortnight ago, I saw you on YouTube, and you spoke of thriving and not surviving! Couldn’t believe it, as I thought my reserves had hit rock bottom…then you turn up!

    It has always been my intention to get well, which must have seemed crazy to most doctors. As I continue to empty consulting rooms, they are thinking differently…I must admit there is huge satisfaction in that.

    Now, today you are putting together a programme on this, and it seems so timely…My remaining member of my immediate family rather callously dropped all contact when they were told my blood results from coming off medication was actually very good. A long story attached to that! I have been doing many things in my quest for health, and claiming the right to live a life, and be me. It is happening, and truly exciting and rewarding in ways you have to experience to appreciate. To anyone reading this, I am sure you already have some idea of what I am writing…

    Thank you Mel, for being a significant part of my progress! Truly sorry this experience was necessary for you to live in order to understand. The amazing thing is you had the strength, not just to survive, but had the smarts to do something very substantial for people’s recovery. As I wrote earlier, these are early days, I can see the “light at the end of the tunnel”…How wonderful is that? Answer…VERY!

    1. Hi Pieta,

      I am so pleased that you found your way to this community and NARP – that is wonderful!

      Pieta you have had an incredible journey – and the strength, courage and faith you have is amazing!!!

      Yes MBPS is horrific, and that is incredible that you have been on that journey…and fantastic that after being a victim of MBPS you are getting clear and are determined to empower yourself.

      You are a true inspiration Pieta. You are very welcome re the work I do – and the truth is no matter how much we may have at times wanted to have different lives – our soul (the real us) planned it all perfectly.

      The great thing is – when we become conscious the pain can end and the wonderful living and love for ourself and others can begin…and without the pain we would not have found this place.

      I am THRILLED you can now feel and see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I would be thrilled to share a part of co-creating your liberation with you!

      Blessings and hugs!

      Mel xo

  6. When will you translate all your courses in to French? I live in France, and I keep running in to people who been narcissiticly abused. I try to give them your video on youtube, but for many of them they can hardly understand english and you also have an Australian accent, that is hard for me even to understand. (Sorry) I want to share this feeling of an incredible freedom that I felt the first time I saw your video online. All the best

    1. Hi Jael,

      thank you for your post – yes in the very near future we are looking at providing translations and researching options now.

      I would love your people to be able to understand and access help in French!

      Mel xo

  7. Mel,after reading many many of your newsletters over the past years this one is my favourite and I can resonate with it 100%. I have had no contact with a sister for 2 years now and no contact with my mum for about 8 months. I keep thinking I will just be the bigger person and make contact, and each time we have any contact back comes name calling and accusations and of course I decide that it will not be a wise decision. I have three nephews who I love immensely and keep in contact with constantly. It is my eldest nephews 21st tomorrow and I intend to call in and see him and his girlfriend has invited me to a surprise party for him on sunday. I can put everything to the side because I feel this is important for him and myself,but I will be friendly to my family
    which I did the same last year only to be ignored by my sister and had my mum complain about my other sister… This course sounds amazing, but I still wonder if this is worth doing for myself yes, but I can always change and send love out but what will come back to me… Im so happy it all worked so well for you Mel, it makes my heart sing…

    1. Hi Lisa,

      I am glad you got so much out of this article. I am really looking forward to writing the expanded information on this topic in the next two weeks.

      The truth is Lisa, regardless of whether anyone outside of you shifts – you get to clean up, heal and release your inner pain.

      That is the TRUE gift…and ABSOLUTELY that changes your life is so many different ways – which you can’t even begin to imagine until this occurs.

      Lisa what comes back to you is ALWAYS ‘more of you’ – period. It is Universal Energetic Law – it’s just that ‘the good stuff’ coming back may not be from the people you originally thought you needed it from, or who should be providing it.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  8. It is 4;30 in the morning. I just came from the hospital, where I watched my mother breathe her last breath. I cannot believe I was there. It was truly a divine appointment. There are many fractures, major mental illness and deep narcissistic wounds in my family. It has been work to remain in any relationship. Yet, late at night I felt compelled to go to the hospital. It was just my father and I, and my mother. After a couple hours, he went to check on the car, and while he did, I was alone with her when she breathed her last. When he returned, I was not prepared to let him think he had missed it. So I said to him, ‘dad, I don’t think she is breathing…like this was news. He got the nurse. She was indeed not breathing, yet a small vein showed her heart was still beating very faintly. While I got to see her last breath, together we watched her heart stop. And she was gone. The pain is very complex when a narcissistic parent dies. I don’t know about you, but I missed so much of my mother, never really met her true self. I want more for me and my daughters, and am compelled to keep forging ahead on this growth path. When I checked my email as I walked through the door, your letter was just a moment of confirmation, and another divine moment. Thank you. And may love, grace and truth lead the way.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      Thank you for the incredible sharing of this post.

      Truly please know that the Soul – the divine part of your mother absolutely exists – and adores you – even though her personality was disconnected and not capable of expressing it.

      Sometimes the most loving thing another being can do for us is point us home to finally embracing and loving ourself.

      AS a part of Source and all of life and the divine being that you are Ruth, you do have the ability to tap into releasing that gaping wound of ‘not receiving my Mother’s love’ – release the wound and then fill up with Divine Mother Love – because you are a part of ‘all that is’ and that energy.

      This is all such a huge part of us becoming our own energy – connecting to that energy – otherwise we have lifetimes of trying to get it outside of ourself to no avail – and simply keep adding to the gaping hole.

      At Soul Level and within her higher self your Mother adores you Ruth – because there is no truth other than love.

      Her personality couldn’t – only because she was broken as a result of being a victim of victims.

      Much love, hugs and healing to you Ruth.

      Mel xo

      1. thank you Mel. 2 weeks ago, my mother told me a horrendous story of her loss, and where her brokenness came from. It was in this visit, I realized she was saying she was sorry. I went home and cried hard, and released much pain, as I experienced a new level of compassion for her. The following visit, I went and picked wild daisies for her as I had so often done as a child. This was my way of saying, I forgive you. Something profound has lifted, and even in my grief, I am deeply grateful for the resolution I have and will continue to have as I process her loss.

        1. Hi Ruth,

          You have brought tears to my eyes of joy for you.

          What a beautiful experience that you received this confirmation and resolution at this level – and will continue to.

          Ruth you have such a beautiful soul – you truly are a glowing light for yourself and others.

          Thank you so much for your posts – which I know have the potential to create so much healing for so many others.

          Mel xo

        2. Ruth and Melanie, your exchange has been a blessing to me today. I have recently ended my relationship in this life with my NPD mother. She is 81 years old and lives on the other side of the country. I understand that this means I will likely not see her again in this lifetime. Ruth, hearing your story of your mother’s death and the complex feelings of grieving a narcissistic mother, and Melanie, hearing your compassionate and wise thoughts, have helped me with the grieving I am doing now. I want to be complete “with my mother” when she dies, just as I was with my father when he died. I understand that this completion will need to happen within me and probably will not happen within the relationship that she and I have this lifetime, but Ruth, you have reminded me that grace can come in so many ways. And so now I am expecting grace, in whatever form it may come. Thank you, thank you.

    2. Ruth,

      I was so moved by your post. Thank you for sharing ti with us. When you said “I missed so much of my mother, never really met her true self,” a light went off for me: that is the loss and sadness I feel for so many of the narcissists and ego-cloaked people in my life. So beautifully put. So compassionate. What a gift that you were there. No regrets just freedom because you were so very, very compassionately present.

      1. thanks Laura, for ‘getting it’. No regrets. I have separated enough from my parents to be able to be compassionate and not personalize things as much, which is a huge part of being freed. I also have enough self-love to not remain in harms way. So, I get to reap the benefits of compassion. I have been so broken on many levels, and many people have shown me grace along the way. Without it, nothing would have changed, and I would have missed the gift of ‘being there’.

  9. Dear Melanie,
    You are a wonderful person and a gifted writer as well.
    You came into my life timely and I am really appreciating everything you are offering.
    I especially appreciate the frequency you are writing from.
    Looking forward to hear and learn and heal more!

    Love, Rati

  10. I am truly and constantly amazed by “divine timing”. One of the woman you interviewed recently as overcoming narcissism commented on a book by Karyl McBride called “Will I ever be good enough…healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers”. I bought this book and over the next 2 months it went missing and I had to re-order it. When it finally arrived I started to read it and had so many epiphanies about why I had chosen the Narc partners I had and where it has all started from. My mother lost her mother at 3 weeks of age and was brought up by nannies and sent to boarding school at an early age. She was never nurtured and never learnt how to nurture so it is no surprise that she was incapable of giving me the love I NOW know I deserved.

    Melanie, I have a question for you. If you are able to shift your parents in this way through your internal work. Why is it that you maintain the Narcissists (emotionally devoid men and women) are not able to shift when we work on their abuse in the way that your parents did when you did the work around them? Its just something I’m curious about as I believe so much in the external shifting when we do.

    1. Hi Anna,

      Yes it IS magnificent! It is so incredible how when we commit to healing for real – life supplies very REAL and incredible solutions – I love this!

      How wonderful that book became so integral for your journey!

      Ok this is the answer to your question Anna…

      And the answer may shock you – but it is quite simple and absolute.

      The reason is because there is NO-ONE there to come up into a higher vibration with you.

      A narcissist is NOT a True Self – he or she is a False Self – the True Self has curled up and is so stunted and disintegrated (disowned)that it does not function.

      A pathological (False Self) is fear based / egoic based. It is not a template of love, integrity, honesty, trust, compassion, empathy – it is a self-serving machine which must mine narcissistic supply.

      Would you expect a crocodile to lick your hand and play fetch simply because you are in a great vibration without fear of the crocodile?

      Truly this is not an outrageous comparison – it is in fact very accurate.

      I hope that clears it up.

      Mel xo

      1. Anna,

        There is a free e-book called “What Makes a Narcissists Tick,” by Kathy Krajko and it finally helped me understand the false self and the person who is inside it. I found it on a web-site about bullying.

        She goes inot great detail but I found I needed that to finally accept this backwards/disorienting personality disorder. I may have to read it again!

  11. I should add to the above post….I am just about to go into mediation for custody of my son as my Narc ex-partner is fighting me for 50% custody of my child. I’ve spoken to my lawyer who has talked to his lawyer and been told he is not interested in shared custody but just wants to antagonise me!! My mother has sided with my abusive ex partner narc (who is her financial adviser and she refuses to let go of) and the last time we spoke wanted to know “what my problem is” with regard to him. The fact I have been constantly and relentlessly abused by him is inconsequential as it must be something that I did to provoke this. The book and your work Melanie is my saviour. Wow what a journey I chose!

    1. Hi Anna,

      Yes that is true – narcs are all about punishing, control and the upper hand – revenge is a solid motivation for them.

      That is so painful for you to have your mother side with him – awful – truly. The ‘provocation’ Anna is you did not reflect back to him consistently how magnificent and perfect his False Self needs to believe it is.

      THAT is the reason he wants to punish you, and ALWAYS what causes narcissist to lash out and hurt people.

      Anna, are you working with NARP, because especially Module 8 is sooo powerful in this respect.

      Have you read about the Thriver stories in regard to how when you change vibration you disable what the narcissist is trying to do to you?

      Please note that is very different from the narcissist shifting into ‘doing the right thing’ or the narcissist ‘becoming nice and decent’, as per the question in your previous post.

      Mel xo

  12. Hi Mel
    Thanks again for a wonderful article. I have been experiencing similar feelings lately. I think you are right in saying that most of our problems with life and relationships have their origin in childhood.
    I have emotionally unavailable father (whom I suspect has narcissistic tendencies. He never approved of me and I feel utterly uncomfortable in his presence. He was never there whenever I needed him. I think many of my security, approval issues are related to my Dad stuff.
    My feelings of disconnection, fear, constrictions were caused by some experiences in my early childhood. My other family members(aunts and uncle)created a very stressful environment. There was a lot of fighting in the family and I always lived in fear that they might harm my mother.
    Thanks to your articles, that I have become aware of my own behaviour and the patterns in my life. Now instead of egoistically trying to shoo away my fears, I try to accept and feel those fears.
    I am eager for your mini healing course.

    1. Hi Karen,

      you are very welcome.

      It really does stand to reason Karen that we are playing out the wounds of our childhood over and over again – because all messages we absorbed until 9 years of age went straight into our subconscious – and our subconscious drives 95% of our life unconsciously by the time we are 35 years of age.

      How fantastic you are dissolving the egoic tendency to erect barriers and defences around these wounds – (which never works) – and going inwards to claim them and heal them.

      Fabbo! Thank you for your post Karen ๐Ÿ™‚

      Mel xo

  13. Oh Yes,I see it now, I never thought of going back to see my parents relationship with me, which has always been terrible. My mom always thinking Im not the way she wanted me to be, she thinks highly of me in other ways but fundamentally doesn’t accepts who I am. And my dad, wow, yes, always very distant, very demanding and judging, never understanding me or wanting to, he is always right, he knows better always, he doesn’t even have a good relationship with my other brothers or sister. I have never been able to have male friends. I have even discovered that maybe it has all to do with this relationship, I have only had one narcissistic relationship and I got out of it fairly quick, it didn’t take years, so I guess I have things very clear, but my parents relationship needs a lot of healing. I understand also when you talk about not being supported by your father when things came out about the N, same here, my dad respected my decisions but I felt many times like he was on the N’s side, defending his behavior, treating him as a fellow man being punished by this unreasonable woman. The N tried to reach me through my father calling him many times, I begged my father to please not talk to him, he went crazy mad stating that I couldn’t tell him what to do or how to behave. It was devastating, he didn’t defend me, help me, support me I felt betrayed. I can still feel it now. Like always I felt alone. My father I feel uses my financial dependency on him to make me do what he wants, and in the mean time he makes me feel like he is spoiling me because of all the help he is giving me. Sad. This betrayal is still deeply hurting. Maybe I felt normal, about men treating me badly because that how my father treated me. Good and loving men always seem to me so boring, wow this is so wrong! Thank you, now I know I need to work on this a lot more!

    1. Hi Alexandra,

      This is great you have the clarity on this topic now…

      It is powerful that you are REALLY in touch with the wounds and dysfunction of your Family of Origin – this is going to help you so much in targeting what you need to release and heal.

      Absolutely – I can relate strongly to the feelings of being betrayed. Thank goodness I no longer have the charge – but I totally DO remember just how painful and disturbing that was – and how relationships with narcissistic men / father parallelled so much in respect to not being cared for or protected.

      I can assure you when you heal and let that one go – the relief is indescribable!

      And it lets in SO much male healthy love.

      You have made an INCREDIBLY good point – that I will be writing about next week. ‘Good men seem boring’…YES!

      When we carry wounds (gaping holes really from childhood) as co-dependents we pick people (and are attracted to) who represent ‘more of’ that wound!

      You are totally on to it Alexandra!

      Mel xo

  14. Hi Melanie-
    I was thinking of emailing you the past few days to ask if you could tailor a program for those of us from an N family. I have done the Q freedom healings twice thoroughly. As a result, I realized that my “version” of love has been wrong too. My version of love has been living in a state of anger and discontent that these people cannot or will not love me, rather than creating an authentic version of self love that doesn’t include a requirement from others who are incapable anyway. So I thank you for your work and the healing modules, without them I never would have come to that level of self responsibility. For me, the N experience has been all encompassing, defining who I am, how I feel, and how I relate to others, and didn’t work for me at all. The abuses I suffered in childhood are of great magnitude, yet totally denied. Have been no contact for at least a year now. I look forward to new insights you will be making available soon. The proposition that members of your foo need to be regarded as non existent, then the process of getting them out of your head seems impossible but I have had amazing blessings and breakthroughs too. I think it’s the abuse itself when from an N FOO that is so hard. Your were just a child, how could this be? How could it be that the people who claim that they love you will simultaneously destroy your soul? To acknowledge that it did happen, yet we were conditioned to deny anything is wrong with anybody else, that it is all you that is the problem, created this doubt even while 100% effort is made to truly heal. Horrific abuse, family denial, self doubt and repression seems to be the formula. And how do we deal with the bystanders we know did nothing and need to deny our reality in order for them to keep feeling safe?

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      So many people email me that every week – so it is sooo good that I was able to work on my own FOO solidly (and needed to) in order to create this mini-program.

      Oh yes – that is so the co-dependent / narcissistic model – ‘You are responsible for loving me’- which really translates to ‘You are responsible for me knowing I am worthy of being loved”.

      When we take responsibility and stop scapegoating (move toward authentic power) we can CLEARLY see how self-defeating these beliefs and models of ‘love’ are.

      You are SO welcome Suzanne – it is so lovely when we start shifting and releasing the junk that we just DO come into contact with Universal Truths – which really is our True Self.

      These aren’t logical ‘concepts’ they are deeply known and felt truths – and I can tell from what you have written – you are starting to experience these deep foundational truths now – which is fabulous!

      Yes – as a child that must be excruciating…my beliefs are very similiar to Gary Zucav’s and also Joe Dispenza’s (as well as many others) that our life is not just an isolated event – it is a bigger picture soul journey – and therefore what we had not healed and liberated from previously needs to be recreated over and over again until we do.

      From the bigger picture perception – there are no mistakes in regard to the life and family we arrive in ecah time – the weaknesses reflect back to us our own that we need to heal…

      Yes as a child we had no choice – as an adult we do.

      The people who harm children are also wounded inner children.

      One of Marianne Williamson’s famous quotes from A Course In Miracles is “If I had experienced what you did I may have turned out like you. I can understand as a result of what you suffered why you are the way you are.”

      Also please know forgiveness does not mean you need to DO anything for anyone else – you are here to honour you…knowing you don’t have the power to change anyone else – simply yourself.

      If it is no longer healthy to have certain people in your life – you are under no obligation to do so – unless you believe you are.

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  15. Mel, thanks for sharing your inner journey to heal your childhood wounds. I think that this is work that is needed to get a self that can live whole and in the world. Without a true self that can feel all the feelings that are present and the ability to support the self, all that is available is the false self which sucks energy from others or is very co-dependent; both modes of being, very unsatisfying and empty.
    As I have shared with you previously, I spent 6 years as an on and off in-patient in a psychiatric hospital to heal my childhood wounds, then several years as an outpatient. I virtually had to do my life over again from the beginning. My parents had a lot of unhealed wounds from damaged childhoods and I ended up carrying those wounds and also becoming the family scapegoat. It wasn’t my parents’ fault because they were simply a product of their own history. As a child, I was abandoned in so many ways because my mother was severely depressed during a critical period of the first 6 months of my life and then when I was 15 months old, I contracted osteomyelitis, was in a coma, almost had my right leg amputated and almost died. Then siblings were born that compounded the issues. I never felt connected to my mother and although she has tried hard, she is really unable to love. There is no true ability to connect or hear me. Her efforts at parenting included caring for my physical needs but I always felt like an alien child.I was so different to my siblings. Then when I was 9, my father died. Along the way there was sexual abuse from my grandfather and an uncle. So when I grew up, I was a pretend adult walking around in an adult body. In my family, I was always valued for my beauty and my intelligence and for what I could produce but I was never valued for simply being me. When I did my therapy, I was able to become my true self with the care of a healing community and had to start my life over from the beginning. It was very scary to not be able to function and to realise how empty I was. For a time, I could not leave the hospital because it was too terrifying and I struggled with the intense terror that I lived with daily. Previously, I could not even feel these deep feelings. I was so closed off and they were so buried and I was numb to the core. I used to spend money as an addiction and pull in men when I felt empty. Nothing felt as if it would fill the void inside that was so empty. I realised that I had been functioning in the world with energy that was not really mine; in truth, I had no real energy of my own and I was like a little baby having to take baby steps and live within the little energy that I had that was true. I was a baby with a baby daughter. We kind of grew up together in a way but she has not had to carry all the stuff. As I grew free, it freed her and she is now a wonderful young woman who is full in herself and is about to be married to a young man who is ideal for her and who loves her dearly. They are great friends and very similar to each other. I eventually grew solid enough to complete my university degree in Teaching and because of my journey, I have a rare ability to understand life from the point of view of a young child. I ‘get’ them.I have recovered my inner child fully; the dark side and the light side; all my darkness and light. I have tried over the years to express my feelings, thoughts and truth to the members of my family and sadly have realised that it is too destructive to be around them for any length of time. I have worked diligently with therapists and offered some sessions to my sister and mother to help resolve some of the issues so that we could relate better, but they were adamant that I was the one with the problems and refused. It has been very painful to let go, but I am committed to myself and refuse to be around crazy-making behaviour and people with whom I cannot safely be my true self. I had a session with a counsellor with whom I worked intensively over a period of about 3 years and one day I shared with her that I felt scared because I had no feelings at all towards my mother; no hate, pain, anger, hurt; anything. She looked at me sadly and said that really, my family and mother had not been available to me since forever and the reason I was not having any feelings was because the work about my mother was finally finished and that was why I no longer had any feelings about her. I felt extremely sad and alone, like an orphan. That day I went home and cried for 3 days and felt very frightened on one level and yet very free on another. Perhaps I would die and not survive now! However, the thought also occurred to me that something or somehow I had been able to stay alive all the years of my life. It made me realise that I had survived for many years despite my lack of family attention and care. So I calmed down and realised that I now had to be my own parent even more than ever. After that time, my life opened up in wonderful ways. I took up cycling and made it into a sport. I also took up salsa dancing and am now at the highest levels of the dance. I have my own home, really good friends who do love me dearly and a career that I value highly and a life that I truly love. I might not have a loving family, but I have myself and now I am working towards being free enough and healed enough to be able to attract a man who is capable of being a true life partner to me. The last relationship with my N ex-boyfriend has been the impetus to further my journey into unhealed aspects of myself that are now healed. So perhaps now, I have the capacity to realise my fondest dream; a real partnership with a loving man who is able to be there for me in the ways I am there for myself. That is my hope. It has been a very long journey with many twists and turns. I think that the second half of my life will be the best.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      you are so welcome!

      Very, very true – there is no upside to not being aligned with True Self. it may seem there is until you do align authentically and then the difference is amazing! You can’t go back to the Old Self…

      You certainly have had an incredible journey Suzanne of ‘losing it all’ to really find out Who You Are..

      I think you should write a book one day – it would inspire many people!

      Yes that is very true about connecting back to being your own parent. The very root of co-dependency (inner emptiness and insecurity)is that we haven’t healthily integrated Father / Mother energy within us – and therefore don’t feel whole.

      You will Suzanne, be able to energetically integrate the feelings of Divine, safe, loving Father and Mother energey back into your subconscious.

      Your subconscious does not know the difference between what really happened logically or these new feeelings – it will accept as ‘real’ the new feelings – once you have shifted out and released ‘the old reality’.

      In regard to future relationships it is such an advantage to be able to integrate this – so as to not keep attracting the wound (the gaping hole of what wasn’t received in childhood) over and over again.

      Yay Suzanne – there is more than hope – there is a direct path!

      Your life is already amazing – and is going to become even more amazing!

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you Mel for your encouragement and I am also incredibly grateful for all that you write here on your site and I like to read it over and over again and also do the healings. I am very aware that lots of feelings and old patterns have been shifting over these past months and I am getting freer all the time and meditating more. I am now free from my ex-boyfriend and a recent encounter with a possible new man was halted after 3 weeks as I realised that he was probably another N. I trusted the feelings that I was getting; anxiety, confusion and other negative feelings and as I shared these with him, his communication became even stranger and he gave one last response that was really gaslighting and a strange excuse, and that is the last I heard from him. I am proud of myself because I trusted me and realised that had he been genuinely interested in the real me, he would have wanted to communicate honestly with me and I would not have been experiencing all the negative feelings. I am also continuing to live in my integrity and although it has not happened yet, I am trusting that if I simply continue to live my own life fully and with love and care for myself, as my energetic self continues to rise higher, then I am sure that this man will come into my life and I will recognise him. In regard to the book, I have tried many times to begin writing it and I realise that it would be unique and helpful to a lot of people. However, I somehow have not been able to write it yet and am not sure why my attempts have not worked. I will meditate on why this is so, because it is in my mind to write it.I realise that I could have become a drug addict, a prostitute, remained a victim with a victim mentality, and chosen to relate with my family of origin in ways that kept them around but did not serve me. I am profoundly grateful that a force greater than me kept me alive all those years and provided for my therapy so I could have my life; my real inner life with all of my feelings.My doctor said when I had regressed to being a baby with an actual real self, that I would never again be able to function in the world like I used to do and it was true. Even now, I monitor my energy and only do what is in my heart to do. With my genuine self, I have come a long way and am able to work full time teaching little children and manage my consultancy. My work is connected to my heart and I love my kids. I find that I need a lot of space to process the day’s events and am extremely selective about those with whom I spend my time (lol except for the N who have showed up ha ha). So, the journey continues.

      2. “Your subconscious does not know the difference between what really happened logically or these new feelings – it will accept as ‘real’ the new feelings – once you have shifted out and released ‘the old reality.’

        Mel, thank you. I needed that!

  16. Melanie,

    I have been a big fan of your blog for a while now and I am thrilled you are doing a program for families. I am happy for you that you have been able to make your family situation work but I am wondering if your new program will work for me. While he is undiagnosed my husbands father meets most of the criteria for being an N as does my sister in law. They put on a happy charming face for the first 4 years my husband and I were together probably because my husband and I twisted ourselves into pretzels trying to make them happy. Over a year ago there was a situation where my husband and I had to tell his father no and set a boundary with him. Well I can tell you that didn’t fly and I have never witnessed such ugly, twisted behavior when his mask slipped off. I’ve seen badly behaved people before but I have to say after this last year I don’t think I ever thought in terms of someone being emotionally primitive before. My mother in law is a little more evolved but in ways not much better. My SIL is a replica of her father which is funny because they both hold each other up as examples of bad behavior until it is time for us to act in front of other like one big united family. Makes me ill to think of it. Needless to say I am very angry about the situation and fortunately my husband’s blinders are off too. I really feel like this situation is beyond hope. Plus his parents are in their 80s so there is that pressure too because they are getting towards the end of their lives that we should just look the other way. The behavior is so bad though that we just can’t. I really don’t know what to do. Do you really think your new program could help us?

    1. Hi Lisa,

      Thank you so much for your lovely words.

      I am SO THRILLED too!

      Yes, twisting oneself into a pretzel – ALWAYS equals how to lose. We are NOT here to be and do what we think makes other people happy – we are here to live our life authentically.

      Of course setting a boundary didn’t fly – he was so used to you enabling his behaviour! And of course a boundary to a narcissist is an incredible insult to the False Self – HOW dare you think of having ANY control?

      A sure fire provocation to see a narc mask slip down! You are 100% correct the behaviour is incredibly primitive / childish.

      Yes Lisa the Program will help a lot – because it will clean up the fear and pain of both your wounds – and then you will KNOW what to do to honour yourselves without feeling guilty or obliged.

      It will also change your boundary function for the better in every day life as well – bringing greater inner and outer freedom.

      This is SO not just about your husband’s family!

      Mel xo

  17. Awesome article, Mel! It made me weepy to read the awesome breakthrough you had in your relationship with your parents!

    You are so right in that some of us who attracted narcs into our lives came from narc-free families. There may have been love, but there were other circumstances that got in the way of our parents showing us their unconditional love and support. And very often our parents were simply following their familial and ancestral programming.

    My own parents were very loving people who cared deeply for my sister and me, but they were not emotionally equipped for the task of raising 2 daughters.

    And while some of this may have been programming, a good part of the equation was due to unforeseen circumstances that permanently altered their life direction.

    My parents met under extenuating circumstances — in a German refugee work camp during WWII. Having been traumatically yanked out of their homeland, never to see it again, was already enough to have altered their lives. And if it stayed at just that, perhaps things may have been different.

    But things did not stay as such. Just shortly after they married, my parents experienced a major car wreck where both sustained permanent brain damage — my father more so than my mother.

    Never having seen my parents at their best, I only knew them after their devastating life-altering event. It was only after I started working with brain-injured patients that I started getting glimpses of the scope of their mental and emotional impairments. Gradually, things about my parents’ behaviors — my father’s inability to navigate the simplest routes without getting hopelessly lost, his alcoholism, my mother’s yelling, etc — started making sense to me.

    And just like I have never seen our patients when they were at their best, and seen how their lives and abilities (cognitive, physical, and emotional) were, more often than not, irretrievably lost due the brain trauma they suffered, I realized that I never knew who my parents were before their traumatic brain injuries. What I experienced — and in those years of growing up with them — was the by-product of their TBIs.

    So while they had the utmost love for my sister and me, they did not have the tools to express that love and support in a healthy and mature manner.

    On top of that, they were challenged by adjusting to new languages and cultures of the countries they lived in during and after WWII, and they were challenged by the poverty they faced, never really being able to create a better life for themselves and their 2 girls. And my sister and I faced the challenges faced by many immigrant children, especially children of parents displaced by a major war.

    However one thing our parents taught us is how to be survivors, as they were survivors themselves. And that was one thing that I was incredibly proud of — being a survivor.

    But after becoming acquainted with Melanie and the marvelous resources and healing tools she has created, I realized that being a survivor was not enough! I was going to shoot for being a thriver!

    As one who has a sneak peak of Mel’s mini-healing Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Quanta Freedom Program, I cannot recommend it enough! Although I have barely begun to scratch the surface of my FOO wounds, I’ve already managed to uncover and clear significant layers.

    As with any healing work to be done, it’s never completely finished. Healing is not a destination but a journey. And while you may travel the same path everyday, there are always new things to be discovered along that path.

    Thank you so much, Mel, for your passionate commitment to assisting others along their healing journey!

    1. Hi Neringa,

      Thank you for your gorgeous heart connection on this – I was weepy with joy when I was writing the article!

      Very true our parents are simply following what they learnt and dealing with themselves and others with the avaliable emotional resources they had.

      Wow – re your parent’s story – that is incredible….jeepers that must have been so tough for them and so tough for the family…

      Your life has been incredible Neringa, and I am so THRILLED you went for being a Thriver – and I totally know as a result of your input regularly in NARC just what an incredible Thriver you are!!!

      You ARE amazing on SO many levels!

      We will be releasing your testimony very soon Neringa! And that is wonderful your test drives of the new mini-program has already been so effective.

      Bless you Neringa, and you are so welcome my love ๐Ÿ™‚

      Mel xo

  18. Melanie,
    Your articles are so timely and well researched. You are right on the money regarding the wounds starting in the family of origin. I was terribly abused by a NARC mom who I can’t communicate with because she has never shown even a shred of empathy, sorrow, or acknowledgement regarding how harshly she treated me and my siblings. It was a very bad scene growing up. My father molested me and was emotionally unavailable and drank himself to death. My mother is still hooked on alcohol and drugs. I did everything I could to “break the cycle” and keep the perfect family with my NARC ex for 22 years. It just did not work when he finally turned to physical abuse in addition to the emotional abuse.
    I’ve done quite a bit of traditional therapy to get to these old wounds, and I am positive it has helped me to deal with my NARC ex husband. I have come across some potential relationships where I was able to identify an emotionally abusive and NARC man. It gave me extreme anxiety to even interact with such a person because I cannot go back to that place of abuse.
    I feel like I am in a much better place than I was a few years ago, but I still feel that pit of emptiness which has got to be lack of self love. I am always looking outward for confirmation that I am lovable, despite having developed a good support system of close friends, my siblings (who are feeling the change in my attitude and my forgiveness), coworkers, and the seemingly unconditional love of my youngest children.
    My oldest daughter and I are having problems and I am trying to reestablish my relationship with her, but it is complicated and involves a religious cult. We were closer than any 2 human beings. It breaks my heart.
    Anyway, I want to thank you so much for all the encouragement because I can feel your love coming off the page when I read your articles.

    1. Hi Kristine,

      That is so tough when there will never be any acknowledgement – and truly that is the narc model – there is no accountability from that source.

      You had it very tough Kristine – absolutely…

      That is so true it is that pit of emptiness / pain / wounds / inability to connect to and love self – which is responsible for depression, anxiety, self-avoidance, bad relationships etc etc…

      This is fantastic that you realise how you feel, what is going on within you and what you wish to heal…

      You are TOTALLY pointed in the right direction.

      You poor thing in regard to your daughter – I am so sorry to hear that – however – truly when you emotionally align all may not be lost.

      I have seen so many miracles happen with seemingly hopeless cases of parents / ostracised childrem – that I do believe almost any reunite is possible.

      Wishing you strength and healing for that issue.

      You are very welcome Kristine – and yes my heart is very ‘in’ with what I do.

      Mel xo

  19. Hi Mel – thats fab that you did a great job of reframing with your own parents and I was one of those who used NARP for my mother rather than a man as it is that relationship that has been the most massive problem in my life.
    A truly narcissistic parent needs to stay NO CONTACT just as any man does. I was informed my mother was NPD in 2001 and had no idea what that was and then spent over a decade denying it, thinking I should be the bigger person, thinking that now I understood her I could control it – I could not. The craziness is exactly as you describe with a man and she brought me back down to her level every single time.
    The times I have been NC with her in the past, my life has moved forward fabulously and I have only been pulled back by my desire to be loved and have a real mom. Now I am NC sine Jan 1 and have accepted that this is my life. I have no Mother and that does not mean Im unlovable or a bad person. It means I chose this journey in order to release my co-dependency and learn to love MYSELF. I have made massive leaps inthe last few months, a couple of setbacks (not to do with contacting her though)but with self care and gentleness, I have really come home.
    I am facing what would be considered a terrible potentiality but am at total peace with it knowing this too is the path.
    I learnt so much from you mel and I hope that no one has to struggle in dealing with a NARC parent (I dont have a father as mother alienated us totally when I was very young as she did and does to all the family) and have as complicated a journey as I have had.
    Much love

    1. Hi TJ,

      Yes it has been fab! Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ I really do feel for the people like you who will not get that chance…but of course I know there are other huge benefits…

      Yes I agree a narc, is a narc, is a narc – it doesn’t matter what role they play in your life.

      What is true with ALL people you may be in ‘conflict’ with – is you will either lift them up to your emotional level – or they will pull you down to theirs.

      Narcissist are STUCK in emotional intelligence at the point they submerged their True Self…somewhere generally between 3 and 7 years of age.

      They CANNOT raise up to your emotional level.

      You made the right choice – and it was the only one you could if you did not want to keep getting re-traumatised.

      Fantastic TJ that you have made so much progress – I know how much you have committed to yourself and this journey – and you deserve EVERY success and wonderful feeling you are experiencing.

      Thank you for your powerful post TJ.

      You are doing WONDERFULLY ๐Ÿ™‚

      Mel xo

  20. Melanie,

    I have found I always receive your articles at just the right moment. I’m quite sure I would not have healed as much as I have without your insights and help!

    Hugs love and blessings!
    Kathy

  21. Hi Melanie,

    I first have to thank you again for your guidance on no contact. I’m holding firm after 7 months and couldn’t/wouldn’t have done it without you. It has changed my life. Thank you.

    This post really resonates, too, and I just want you to know what an incredible contribution you’re making to the world at large. I have no doubt you’re changing lives each and every day and I for one am incredibly grateful you’ve helped transform mine! Thank you for your incredible candor and generosity.

    Best regards,
    Lynn

    1. Hi Lynn,

      You are so welcome, and I am so pleased you have held No Contact – big Yay to you!

      Lynn thank you for your gorgeous words – and I do know this – and I am totally committed to myself and this journey…

      I am so blessed with what I do and what my Soul had in store for me!

      Mel xo

  22. I do have a vision of my daughter moving out, above her narcissist relationship with her boyfriend…and as mother and daughter moving into a healthier relationship. So your true story affirms we will get there.

    In past stories, you had experienced alcoholism. Today, I realized how much
    my daughter drinks and I am alarmed.
    What does a mother say and do?
    I wish to gain her trust and help guide
    her to healing. I was the controlling
    my way is the only way mom, but fortunately
    the good mom was present too.
    Can you share how you overcame
    the alcoholism?
    Thank You
    Lucita

    1. Hi Lucita,

      Ohhh yes my son was horrifically alcholic…and lost in so many ways…

      You can’t say and do – truly..

      You need to ‘feel’ her and ‘see’ her as finding her own inner wisdom and way…

      I journalled every night about my son – seeing him the way I wished him to be instead of the way he was – and I completely let go of trying to change him and fix him – and he shifted – totally.

      He came into the energy space I was ‘about’ him.

      It takes so much faith, but it is the only true way I know how to heal our children – is to heal ourself in regard to our children.

      Do you have NARP Lucia – because it is through QFH I did these shifts and also helped others do them.

      The goal setting module in NARP is the most powerful way I know of to heal our children.

      Mel xo

  23. Thanks for the insightful response Melanie! I will be haunting your website for your new program to be realeased ;>

  24. Hi Melanie,

    I have no words- other than I am so touched and happy for you and your parents..

    And I am honoured, that you share your story. It is so beautiful, and it inspires me to work harder, and it gives me more hope that I as well could reach the dream I have, of healing so much, that I can relate to my parents again, in a much more healthy way.

    It is just so beautiful knowing that you made this. Cannot tell it enough! ๐Ÿ˜€

    1. Hi NMSD,

      thank you so much for your lovely words – yes it is incredibly special.

      I truly do believe NMSD that no matter how we have been emotionally programmed, or how our life looks right now, that we can create literal miracles by doing the inner work.

      We are Source and we do have the ability and right to create our life and experience genuine love from the inside out.

      Truly ‘life’ adores us and grants us all the support once we commit..

      Don’t ever lose hope. YOU are the miracle, you just need to know it ๐Ÿ™‚

      Mel xo

  25. Hi Mel,
    Yet another great article!
    how true is what you said about mothers who are unable to love their children – it doesn’t mean their soul or divine self doesn’t love them. it’s just their personality is incapable of expressing it. I have spent lots of time trying to reconnect with my mother but the pain was so big that I gave up. Yet I still want to get closure for myself knowing that I might never be able to experience this special bond with her. I always thought that she was a victim of everything she went through with my dad but I would get such a resistance from her when I tried to offer my love and support. I realise now how good she is in manipulating people. It’s a weird thing learning about boundaries by putting them against your own mum. I like your story about crocodile. I just need time to process it all and hopefully finally get some closure and not get caught into narcissistic dance again. At the same time there is this unexplained connection with my mum that every time I would progress in life and make any changes in myself, her life would also change in a good way as she did go through a lot and does deserve to be happy and I am glad for her. Sometimes I feel like I learn lessons in life for both of us that she didn’t want to learn, for example co-dependancy. I just thought that this is probably what keeps me hooked to narcissism as I’m trying to fix my mum’s life as I want her to be happy? This is probably more complicated than I even thought…Looking forward to your next article and the new program.

    1. Hi Hannah,

      thank you!

      In regard to dealing with narcissists or people who are stuck and not able / willing to evolve emotionally – it does mean that whatever they did not provide us with – we need to reconcile, heal and fulfil within ourself.

      When we do heal and ‘fill’ that gaping wound then we have our closure.

      That is very interesting re that bond…and that enmeshment would be much more pleasant to live without – so you are not stuck in responsibility / obligation.

      That is not freedom for you or for her.

      Im glad you are enjoying this F O O material ๐Ÿ™‚

      Mel xo

  26. Hi Mel,
    Thank you so much. I have been asking myself what does all this childhood wound stuff really mean. Reading and listening to your radi show helped to clear this up. I have been focusing on my narc husband during narp modules as that what comes up for me but have found I have gone round in circles going over the same stuff. Sometimes childhood stuff comes up. But after listening to radio show I today decided to just focus on my childhood and bring forward earliest memories and release pain and write about it. Powerful stuff. Like you, I don’t believe my parents are narcissists and have been extremely supportive during my current challenge of dealing with narc husband but my goodness, the pain of some of the events in my childhood is powerful. Feels great to get it out though. I do feel some guilt feeling the anger, disappointment and downright sadness that my parents played a part in. I tell myself they were doing the best with what they knew at the time.
    Thanks Melanie.

    1. Hi Kally,

      I am glad that the radio show and this article has helped grant you clarity.

      In NARP when childhood stuff comes up – it truly is your subconscious saying ‘come here…to get rid of this pain you need to release THIS’…so you absolutely can go to and release that.

      That is great that you are ready to go back into F O O stuff and shift it. It will feel great when you purge out that childhood pain!

      There are many people like us in the community who had ‘conditionally loving’ and co-dependent parents (most were), causing us to NOT be a solid source to ourself, and therefore susceptible to narc abuse…

      That is so true Kally, all of our parents (in fact anyone in our life who hurt us) was doing ONLY the best they could with the emotional resources, upbringing and programming they had.

      Everyone has purely and simply been victims of victims.

      Your’re welcome Kally ๐Ÿ™‚

      Mel xo

  27. Hi, I am still trying to figure out how to manifest, being low on funds, still living in same building with 2 of my lifelong abusers. Both parents are severe Narcissists, bros has always had bad anger issues and not sure if he is N also, or what all is wrong that caused him to choose to abuse me also (rude, taunted me months ago, burps in face with beer, assaulted me punching breast when he was about 20 yrs old – has family of 4 and manages underlings at his job), and actually started this whole event being told to others all from mother showing me his childhood book he wrote praying for heaven to please, please, come and help him. He brought it up with mother hrs later, she said I needed help, he believed her fake couple sob sounds, said he’d take care of that night, calling for 2 wks now non stop, how am I abusing mother? her brother is calling all the time too, every 2 days, telling me I wasn’t in top priority of his concerns. I do believe all her siblings have N. (should I tell one’s employer as he is a counselor? shelter person told me they’d likely just say it was hearsay, however I don’t want anyone else harmed by this couple like they harmed me being callous, and ignoring me and changing the subject for about 10 yrs now) My brother (ex)told me I had to take some of the responsibility for how he treated me – as his response to his abuses, last year when I told him what I thought he’d been like as an older brother and asked for an apology from him. Now some relatives know, obviously none believe it, as I got name called, told I was the abuser!, told I needed therapy, to get help, how they got stuff from major N – mother – indirectly telling me nothing is going to change in their feelings, not ONE offered me one word of concern, care, anything at all. I broke off all contact with all of them, most didn’t even contact me so that told me a lot about those relatives and ex friends also. N just keeps on giving, destroying innocent lives.

    Despite my family of origin’s disorders I did not choose bad relationship outside of my family. I hope you will have anything to help victims born into this insidious family ‘curse’ to get out of it, when their issue is their family of origin, not seeking it out at all. I tried from a very young age to keep away from them, I learned a lot, I saved my sanity obviously, by doing so. I am presented to everyone as having issues, when I seem to be the only one who is normal or capable of having emotions.

    My N mother, the one in charge, has physically assaulted me 2x in the past 2 weeks, dad doesn’t get it, says he’s not getting involved in your two’s stuff. That is precisely how all of the abuse of the 4 (dad’s mother also) all got away with it scapegoating me and making me the target lifelong (youngest, gentlest, most loving, female, health issues, etc).

    Besides doing no contact, soon I hope, how can I manifest what I need and love and want in my life? Before I studied karma, thought I was stuck with their family curses remnants, but after decades of self help and researching, etc. and help professionals knowing less than I did, is there anything one can do to start manifesting? God bless, thank you. PS I have sound tracks for positive changes, books, you name it, but abuse keeps coming just from these family members, and now the others who support them.

    1. Hi Ruby,

      It is really important to understand this about the people we share our lives and energy with.

      We are either going to be able to lift them up to an emotional level that we would to live our life at..

      OR…If we don’t or can’t – then there is ONLY one other possibility..

      This person or people will drag you down to their emotional level – in order to reinforce their existence with you.

      In short Letitia, whilst you are living in these circumstances you are going to be adversely affected.

      The only other solution, if you CAN”T move away yet is to totally detach…that is to focus exclusively on YOU and don’t hook in, take on, or react / respond to the behaviour.

      As per your post (and understandably) you are very hooked in and affected – and nothing is going to change in your life whilst your vibration is ‘poisioned’ with these thoughts / feelings…

      The best you can ever hope for in this place is ‘more of that’…

      What this means – as per all fundamental Law of Attraction is your vibration (thoughts / feelings ) need to change – because they are the creator of your life – and nothing in your life can change until they change.

      So this brings it all back to a simple and powerful understanding…”MY vibration is ‘gold’ it is ‘key’. Given my present circumstances WHAT do I need to do in order to create a change in my vibration?”.

      This needs to be your highest priority Ruby – and one that may involve all sorts of OTHER sacrifices and HARD decisions to ensure you do what your vibration needs from you to improve.

      SO – for now getting away and No Contact is imperative – don’t even consider the next step until you do that – and can purge the pain and stuff out from what you have experienced.

      Then you will start having some emotional ‘space’ and ‘freedom’ to create your new life.

      Mel xo

  28. Hi Mel –

    WOW!

    I have been working on healing childhood wounds for some time,and have seen clearly that the past can be the root of present challenges. That said, one does not want to wallow in the past as an excuse to avoid present.

    Since the eventually-to-be-ex-spouse is emotionally/verbally/psychologically abusive, I have been wondering if NARP could help my kids. We are all working with modified contact, but the kids especially are vulnerable. Now here you are with the family program. My kids are 13 and 15 – can they use your program?

    Thanks –

    Val

    1. Hi Val,

      Absolutely wallowing in the past is not the goal…just as much as ignoring the past isn’t either.

      Wallowing absolutely can be an excuse for not living in the now and creating a better future.

      Avoiding the past can be an excuse for making less than choices and having certain responses / triggers which are ongoing repeat patterns due to NOT self-reflecting or evolving.

      The goal is to go inside, and acknowledge there are childhood wounds in order to release them and be free of them.

      In regard to your children – yes NARP can assist you powerfully – but it is not by your children doing the healings- it is by YOU doing the healing on how you ‘see’ and ‘feel’ about your children.

      When your energy shifts – there energy will also follow in the most powerful way you could imagine.

      This is 100% more effective then trying to get them to do the healings.

      You can use the goal setting Module in NARP to achieve that result.

      That is exactly how I assisted my son, and how countless women (and men) have created healing for their children also.

      When YOU heal – you children’s energy follows.

      Mel xo

  29. Hi Melaine,From being in a narcissistic relationship for two and half years,has allow me to reflect on what happen in my childhood with my mother who past away seven years ago.your information healing origin wounds has help me to have a better understanding of what was happening in my relationship with my mother.There were some very painful times.Iexperience some of the same simiarities that you talk about with your own parents.And in my twenties,I experience a emotional break down after years of abuse and did receive some counseling.But at the time there were not programs like this one to complete the healing process.IfeelIcan do it now with your program.Thank you again for your help and support.Carolyn

    1. Hi Carolyn,

      That is great that you hve been able to make the connection.

      You will find the deeper healing work really powerfully – and I am so glad you see a solution now.

      You’re very welcome Carolyn.

      Mel xo

  30. Hi Melanie, I am just now realizing that I have gone through 40 years of pain and severe suffering from being abused by my narcissistic little sister. The reason that I am just now figuring this out is because of society’s ignorance of mental health issues such as narcissism or sociopathic behavior. Most articles and information regarding narcissists refers to partners, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. It appears that those are the relationships where the narcissism is first identified/acknowledged/noticed. Sadly for people such as myself there is no help available prior to that age group because the dysfunction is not identified. That means that the narcissist is successful all through school, college, work, etc. and they are flying under any radar, expertly learning manipulation, all the while hurting and possibly damaging other peers, friends, & family. The sooner that narcissism can be identified, the higher chance of preventing the narcissist from passing it on. It needs to be stopped while they are in the process of passing on their narcissism to theirs or other children. Most research shows that a narcissist cannot be changed or helped, but that then means that their children cannot be saved from their abuse, and ensures passing on the trait. How can we help children who are currently living in narcissistic nightmares which are permanently and adversely altering their life forever? It is so unfair. Those children, just like children trapped in lives filled with molestation, physical abuse, verbal abuse, or neglect, cannot escape the reality that they will not ever have the chance to be a normal, healthy, productive, and functioning adult because they will be permanently damaged from the remainder of their childhood being guided by a narcissist. We cannot even help those children because like most parents the narcissist will scream and holler about their “right to raise their child how they wish without interference” (said all child abusers ever.) It then becomes “hands off” for experts, professionals, teachers, counselors, etc. because they don’t want to be sued. Narcissists are producing more unhappy, dysfunctional, mean, manipulative, and dangerous narcissists by effortlessly passing on the sickness to their children, and there is absolutely no help available for those children. They don’t stand a chance.

  31. Hi Patti,

    it is very true that there is a very real tragedy of narcissists creating narcissists.

    What is also true is that those children who did not submerge their True Self and create a False Self replacement, despite being damaged as children, can as adults heal.

    There are many of these people who have done so in this community – and this is where focus needs to be – on the pro-active work which can assist the horrible cycle of abuse.

    I believe in and know that evolution, healing and liberation is possible for these people – absolutely.

    Mel xo

  32. Turn it on turn it on again . Me and the light of day robbed from me since birth . This teachings About ” STUFF” IS THE real meaning of reborn in America ,” EARTH” … I am eternally grateful for the universe having brought you to me through the thing many now call cyberspace. It couldn’t get much better than this until the next new technology soon obsoletes the “net” too. Good on you Melanie Tania Evans . You are the greatest. HAHA ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ YOUR PHYSICAL CENTERNESS is like “CONGENITAL “, “JEET KUNE DO ” SELF DEFENSE” where everything always comes down to you yourself alone . This is where all strength force our POWER as individuals comes into fruition . Look I only seem to repeat your words . It is wonderful that I can share how I am feeling and thinking as I incorporate more and more . The tune by Phill colins turn it on again . Are only lyrics.

  33. Hi Mel,

    you said that it took you one week/few hours daily of shifting family of origin wounds because you get through shifts very quickly, so my question is how long is it going to take for us who work with TFOOW program (there shifts are 15mins long) and is it going to be equally effective?

    Thank you.

    Much love xoxoxo

    1. Hi Sandra,

      By the time I started TFOOW I had already been working on my wounds with NARP for a very long time … and I was so READY to sort my Mum/Dad stuff.

      Truly everyoneโ€™s experience is their experience and takes as long as it needs to.

      What is important is that we settle into the shifting without having โ€˜being healedโ€™ as a condition to love and accept ourselves.

      And the thing is I still use QFH shifts on myself to this day … because of always wanting to eternally uplevelling.

      I hope this gives you some peace and knowing our successful lives are simply about unpacking our traumas and bringing in more Source … and loving ourselves and that process no matter where we are on the journey … which is simply between us and our inner being.

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•โค๏ธ

  34. DEAR Mel!!

    this post is so long — please bear with me ? : )

    OK PLEASE help!!

    So I have this issue – have been doing QH ALL weeek like hours and

    hours and hours a day

    Plus have been doing growth work for 30 years (came into this life

    doing growth work –) AND last 15 -20 yrs INTENSIVE growth soul work

    deeper level etc

    OK here is thing —

    There are 4 ppl in my life who’ve caused greatest pain – 3 are in family

    (of 5 including me!!)!!!!!!!!

    So one of them was always a ‘non-entity’ to me – looking back I never

    really liked this person and I was a VERY strong being and powerful as

    child etc and this was just a nuisance thing – like eh. Just didn’t like

    this. Over time got REALLY good at ignoring it – like it wasn’t even there

    – got busy in my life, focused on self and friends etc – and it really

    wasn’t even an issue — never entered into anything.

    Looking back it’s amazing how much of a non-entity it was – weaker

    smaller just not even there. I always could never understand this person

    just seemed odd and non-entity to me.

    Later person went ballistic – but I was in college etc and REALLY doing

    growth work on self developing etc. I was at parents house off and on

    over years in between living abroad. I saw this person spiralling out of

    control and would just mention to my friends: hey! let’s send some light

    energy – and that was about it. I mostly don’t even know all that

    happened – never interested me.

    At one pt I was at house (called here by my soul/spirit) and I witnessed

    terrible abuse attach weird thing between 2 of the family members. I saw

    the one suffer terribly (no one else seemed to notice) things were not

    “normal” – lots of screaming etc But it just didn’t affect me. I was very

    strong and separate from all of it and not attached. I looked at the

    person suffering and wondered: why doesn’t she just detach??? She is

    dragging self through this — WHY?? and then suffering terribly alone and

    no one sees it (I did)

    Then I was abroad for years – and I never really had a connection of any

    kind w this person – but (later I realized this pattern) every once in

    awhile there would be contact made (not by me) and it was ABUSIVE!!!

    screaming – just CRAP! And I always saw: this person has problems and

    is dumping them – and that is NOT ok. But It was so intermittent and I

    was FAAAR away and never really interested anyway — years would go

    by with nothing — so I always “got over it” (with help from friends and

    healers) and would forget (again a ‘non-entity’)

    Then I came back to US and was quite broken down (deep healing junk)

    anyway – this person was here I was at parents’ house and (as usual I’d

    forgotten about intermittent junk) — there was a real sense of

    ‘obligation’ to hang out w this person — and I didn’t really know anyone

    plus had been gone for so long, it was like: eh? why not????! (no good

    reason not to — and I could feel intense feeling of ‘obligation’ from him —

    he has VERY different worldview from me) I DO NOT believe in

    obligation etc

    I’m very sensitive and in-tune and when i’d spend time there I would

    leave and feel just ‘uck’ like ‘yuck’ and sort of dragged down – bit

    disjointed — like this is not ‘my life’ but it seems like one is ‘supposed’

    to do this (have contact) and again “why not??” (seemed no good reason

    not to)

    We don’t really have common interests etc – I don’t relate to the friends

    etc — and it often just felt ‘invasive’ (he’s quite inappropriate ) and I

    don’t like that — and it was just a sort of nebulous feeling of : ugh, I

    don’t really like this (like when you decide to eat fast food and you

    think it’s going to be good and nourishing, but then afterwards you feel

    not so well –)

    And werid abuuse junk would come up – once he just started

    SCREAMING over phone – I was feeling very strong and in my power

    and I just held phone away in wonder – like WOW! this person is going

    OFF and it has NOTHING to do w me – this person is DUMPING

    unconsciously his junk — and that is not ok. I held phone away – cld

    hear non-stop screaming then it got quiet, phone back to ear. “you still

    there?” Yes – screaming continues – hold phone away again and

    eventually call ends.

    This kind of weird junk would happen — and in between it was like

    “normal” ( but in the ‘normal’ i never really ugh I don’t know) —

    This junk was not ok and so I began to distance self. I noticed where it

    would happen and began to pull back — gradually over time I pulled

    back and back and back until it was JUST email and then he

    complained about that – and I laughed a bit to self thinking: this is all I

    have left bc everything else is abusive.

    I never said anything I just kept pulling back. Had an accident and had

    to move back to parents’ house. I wondered what ‘obligation’ do I have

    to this person?? I figured it was done in childhood and now there was

    none. I attended one last event (not specifically stating this) but that

    was my last thing so to speak and I peacefully (for me) ended it there –

    freed self from any further ideas of ‘obligation’ etc and was quite

    peaceful about it – felt good (and it had already been years of pulling

    back from a situation that was NEVER connection to begin with!)

    Years went by – if he came to house I would just disappear and wait to

    return. Sometimes I’d hear the voice and get a bit nostalgic like it might

    be nice to go talk – but then I’d remember how it never really went well

    (like super gross fast food – looks good feels UGH )

    So it was really peaceful. I didn’t make an announcement about this – I

    figured everyone would clearly see we have NO connection (and never

    really did) I respected it – I assumed everyone did.

    Then something happened – years later and it was EXTREMELY painful –

    it came at a moment when I was SUPER down and vulnerable – like

    TRULY!!! And it was a full-on attack. It felt just like a machine gun

    non-stop fire.

    I was blindsided – I had NOT expected this AT ALL!!! I’d respected the

    space – never inquired about him etc – but quickly realized HE had

    NOT! (apparently he didn’t get the memo from all of life that we really

    have NO connection) He had loaded up SOOO much ammunition and

    was extremely angry about horrific things – it was INSANE

    and since I was blindsided and very low – I went into survival mode. I

    am very sensitive and can always feel the other person is in PAIN! this is

    coming from that – At that moment I feel “I can handle this!” I can take it

    etc — I speak VERY calmly and I work desperately to calm the whole

    thing down – to get the abuse attack to stop

    Anyway long story short – it was AWFUL! The acute pain lasted 10 days

    – sort of totally immoblized. And guess what? Not only was I really low

    and vulnerable BUT my healers that I count on were unreachable exactly

    then!!!

    I had to go within and kept asking: what is the truth here? Eventually it

    came down to a small still voice saying “I do not like him”

    I made MANY MANY decisions about this. I NEVER EVER EVER wanted

    this to EVER happen again. Abuse like this is NOT my reality it’s not my

    life and I was unprepared. I was not ready for a fight – I NEVER thought

    about this person and to me it had ended years and years ago

    I also must say I find him stupid – not to see we have NO connection

    whatsoever – and yet to mine other family members for information (and

    they gave it!! complaints etc) THAT BURNS MOST!

    I thought: well this happened bc I ‘got over it’ and forgot about him! I

    was TOTALLY unprepared

    I liken it to someone who’s minding her own business walking down

    street and gets viciously attacked for no reason —

    Clearly HE had been gathering ammunition – but I had NONE loaded up

    (and believe me – there would’ve been PLENTY of things to shoot back

    or even to calmly point out IF I had cared and prepared and ever

    THOUGHT about it!!!

    But I never did because it was ‘out of my life’ etc and very peacefully so ! I was SO happy with the way I had ‘ended’ things organically and on a positive note !

    This made NO sense was totally bizarre and came at a time when I was ALREADY broken down and trying to heal SOOO many things. Just shitty

    Over next 6 yrs I endeavored NEVER to forget how awful he was – this happened YEARS after I ended things and that’s what scared me. Thnking abuse violent screaming like machine gun attack cld happen made me decide I had to REMEMBER ALL THE TIME how AWFUL this person is!! Just at least remember: he’s NOT normal (this is tiring for me. I am not a policeman of ppl in my life. I choose to hang out w people who don’t dump on others, who are all working on themselves

    I watched reality tv to try to learn about FIGHTING!! and in careful inspection I learned i am NOT a fighter – at all! I’m a healer — when attacked I ALWAYS see pain in other person and at that moment i forget about myself (think I can handle it) and go to the emergency to calm it —-

    then collapse

    I watched reality tv stars fight and TRIED really hard to learn that (like it seemed like standing up for self!) If one got yelled at she’d immediately turn around and scream some sh*t right back!!

    But that’s NOT me – at all!!

    It’s not natural and trying to change to become that seemed to take A LOT of effort. I had decided I needed to be ready to FIGHT at ANY moment — and that’s not natural and it’s exhausting

    A shaman friend I learn from said : fighting is exhausting for ALL ppl

    I said – I see so many ppl energized by it!!

    But not me!! No way

    Plus I don’t want to have to focus on this sh*t just because the other person has problems!

    6 yrs went by — I’d worry about it if out in public — and when he came to house I had STRONG reaction – I would storm out of house and go stand on a street somewhere – even for 7 8 hours just standing there waiting til it felt ‘safe’ to go back. It was horrible – but it starts this pattern where i feel abusers get to feel fine and free and go and do whatever they want — and the ppl hurt have to change their lives and stand on a streetcorner cold etc

    then the final snap came — at a gathering at the house — I was in a very happy space — SO many there such JOY! I was able to interact and sort of come out of my room (all these yrs I’ve been dealing w my own internal issues for healing etc)

    At one pt I saw he was coming in my direction and I felt myself FREAK OUT internally – I quickly told my cousin and uncle there’d been abuse and they immediately were empathetic and supportive and confirmed that verbal abuse is horrible just as physical and they helped me get out of there and deflect/

    Anyway – I’m going to cut out the rest here and get to the issue!!!

    because there’s so much more to say but I just want to get to issue!!!

    I came to realize he has NO clue about pain caused etc — and I also came to realize that I have to be EVEN MORE EXTREME and militant about cutting him out bc NO one else was going to protect me (including him — HOW can someone have NO comprehension of pain caused or things ended looong ago and act like I don’t even know – all’s FINE??!!!!) wtf??!!!

    Anyway I cracked and finally all the yrs of junk poured out of me — I began to string it together and saw it was a PATTERN!! and the abuser-victim pattern was CLEARLY there — abuse, time passes I get over it, forget about , happens again, time passes I get over it, forget about it, things ‘normal’ for awhile happens again — etc

    I saw it was a cycle BUT I had ALREADY done what one does in situations like this — I had ALREADY taken stand 14 yrs earlier that abuse is NOT ok with me. I had already had no contact etc — WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?

    but for first time I told other family members and began to impress upon them that I cannot have him come anywhere NEAR this house. (I thought about getting restraining order – but rules for that are not easy here – plus it seemed overblown)

    Afterall we are talking about one VICIOUS attack 4 years after I had no contact and then this terrible chance encounter 6 years after that.

    That’s all there’s been in 15 years.

    (and again before that for most of my life though he was there – there was no connection and almost NO contact whatsoever )

    SO over time the rules got established —- and it took some PAINFUL experiences (breaches) for it to FINALLY SINK in to the others that I cannot have it AT ALL.

    When I am here alone (which happens for months every year) this is not even an issue!! it does not enter my mind – it’s like it’s completely lifted off of me –

    But when parents are here (other half of yr) and they go hang out or get phone calls — then it is called back up and I HAAAATE IT HATE IT HATE IT –

    over time my reaction to them having contact w him has gotten stronger

    I want ALL to cut off contact.

    MY true deep goal is: HE DOES NOT EXIST — AND HE NEVER EXISTED!!!

    (I am able to achieve this when totally alone and it’s GREAT!!!)

    it;s even better than before abuse bc he;s TOTALLY GONE!!!!!! so there’s not that sort of ‘nuisance’ non-entity draggy thing there in background

    ~~~

    In all this process one thing always stuck in my mind: deaths. I knew this could be out of my life EXCEPT for death – what happens then? That was the ONLY thing I could ever see in all of life in future when there might be issues

    AND IT SUCKS!! but I figured – well – it’s far enough off in distant future I don’t have to think about it!!!

    Unfortunately I got premonition 2 yrs ago of death coming — and this has generated much stress (I am very sensitive and have all kinds of other emotional issues here to deal with that I’ve been working my butt off to heal for years and years and years – deeper healing

    Anyway the premonition brought this jackass junk back up!!!!! Bc now I feel I have to prepare for that. In preparation I decided I’ll have to forgo and skip any funerals – and again THIS SUCKS! bc it means I am not free but the abuser never has to worry he’s free to go where he wants – he does not have to deal with healing the pain he does not have to deal with fear!!!

    I have also been aware this entire time that I AM CAUSING MASSIVE pain BY HOLDING ON TO THIS! BUT I made that choice consciously bc I determined my pattern was I’d heal, get over it, forget about it – not expect sh*t to happen

    I decided the ONLY way to avoid ever being blindsided again was to HOLD on to the anger – and to remind myself CONSTANTLY AND ALL THE TIME of how awful this person was

    I am fully aware that this has caused me to grow in HATRED and ANGER — it is feeding it!

    BUt I did everything else “right” — and I had such a peaceful exit

    holding on to the anger seems like small price to pay to prevent another horrific blindsighting — And I actually WANT the hatred – bc I fully believe it protects me!!

    Before I was totally open and vulnerable – working on myself, working on healing my own issues – which meant I was EVEN MORE open when this sh*t happened

    It’s been 9 yrs now of that approach – I feel an intense level of HATRED toward this disgusting person . I want NO connection WHATSOEVER so this means – I don’t go in area of garage where he once was like 10 yrs ago etc

    I go ballistic when my parents treat him like everything’s fine – (I feel livid one of them never stood up to him for all the sh*t he did to her!! She claims to have forgotten ALL of it) This makes me livid! I saw it!

    I try not to look at caller ID etc

    And I noticed lately that I now cannot use the name (not just as name – but it’s also a verb so I change my own speaking pattern never to use it!) Lately I also cannot say the name of a month that is similar and only use the number. AND NOW I have trouble with the first LETTER!!

    So I know it’s getting really intense

    I have known for YEARS that this is coming up for me to look at and heal – I KNOW THIS

    but I have NEVER EVER EVER even breached it w healers I know bc I am FULLY convinced that when I heal all this anger within then I will be ok and the whole situation will shift and everyone’ll have to hang out again

    And I AM NOT NOT NOT ok w that!!

    at all

    And for that reason I have refused even to talk about it

    I know how spiritual healing works

    and I see from others and also on your site that YOU work really hard to heal yourself – feel and go through all that pain and then POOOF!! the ppl who engendered so much pain don’t have to do anything

    The story of your parents freaks me OUT!!

    You had to do all that work – and you had to endure all that and YES you get to grow which is great BUT
    they are completely off the hook, didn’t have to do anything and now get the great benefit of your friendship!!

    Are there stories that go differently?

    Bc My goal remains: I WANT HIM NOT TO EXIST!!!

    but even entering into healing — brings it up (whereas my approach the last decade or so has really worked – when I’m alone he is totally GONE like 100 percent!!)

    I don’t even want this to come up to heal it

    bc I am completely convinced that it means like what happened w your parents!!

    No one else has ever held him accountable – they all don’t really like it but hang out out of obligation etc

    The ONLY reason I was able to cut that out completely was bc I fully claimed this abuse and pain and SEVERE reaction —

    it’s the one thing that FINALLY got this completely out of my life

    EXCEPT when other family is around

    ~~

    I don’t even want to go back to the way it was most of my life when he was there in background – a ‘non-entity’ that felt more like a nuisance drag and I was very easily able to ignore him

    I don’t even want to go back to that — bc having this TOTALLY gone has felt SO freeing and SO much better (except when it comes up gets triggered by OTHERS!)

    ~~

    Again I always come back to: my desire is he doesn’t exist and he NEVER existed

    I want NEVER EVER anything ever — even if that means not going to funerals etc

    ~~

    the problem is I see NO way for that if I go through healing!!!

    what would I possibly have for reason to cut person out completely again?

    (God i wish this were as simple as a break up!! I have never ever had to see any exs ever – and there’s nothing in future — and those are ppl I CHOSE!!!!!!!!)

    that’s what I don’t get about situations like this : i don’t lke this person never did didn’t choose this and yet ppl I DID choose I’m allowed to remove forever and it’s done?!

    ~~

    So here;s the problem! I know I need to heal this I know the anger and hatred are not great

    but I have been SO willing to hold on to those as long as it means that this is 100 percent gone from my energy space (as it has been for several years now)

    My problem is with other ppl – like when parents go out (I live w them) I feel SO stressed and anxious and FREAK OUT horribly. I also feel like it’s NOT SAFE – like I won;t go near the path they walk on afterwards til it’s had a long time to ‘clear out’ (the energy) I want NO connection whatsoever I have begged them NEVER to say ANYTHING about me etc

    I want this person to know NOTHING about me —

    I want NO energy connection or link whatsoever – this is extremely importnat to me

    ~~

    and also I’m pretty angry that this dumb little thing – with this ‘non-person’ in my life (someone I never even considered but never really liked who was ‘just there’) has turne into this HUGE thing. And I know that the fear and upset I have are related to not having let go of it.

    But again I’m convinced that not letting go of it is the only way to protect self bc

    1 – I did everything ‘right’ – no contact

    2 – spiritual healing means the problem is gone so what reason would I have to stay away forever???

    it’s the second thing that causes me ENORMOUS stress!!!!

    And when I read your story about your parents it hammered it home for me. Why do you have to be friends w them now?

    Are there other examples of people for whom someone did not ever exist again after healing?

    Also I feel I am a valuable person – especially if I do the healing and have access to even more energy! IT seems cruel or mean to withold friendship from someone if I’m an evolved spiritual being — not having the pain and anger of abuse as a reason. Why would I withold friendship then??

    I do not see that readily in spiritually advanced beings —

    I can keep self away and withold BECAUSE of the excuse of the abuse (which is very real) if I ever forget – the body pain and upset remind me!!! this sucks this sucks this sucks!! DON”T GO THERE!

    and finally

    3 I also wonder how much of me ‘not liking him’ not EVER liking him (like all the way back to those years when he was a ‘non-entity’) is related to issues which would be healed in this healing?

    Like from another place and time

    If those are healed and gone how would I ever say ” i don’t like him”??!!!

    ~~

    I really need some help with this because I refuse to heal it — I mean this has been a conscious decision on my part all these yrs (I decided yrs ago NOT to heal this on purpose!!!!)

    It is also so confusing that I’m allowed to sever ties completely with people I choose to connect to as an adult — but there’s no model for this (and A LOT OF expectation from ALL around of the opposite) for situations you’re born in to!!

    It sounds like from your site that you only advocate no contact for narcs —

    but philosophically I REALLY wrestly lately (and have been decunstructing this idea) of ties

    WHY are we allowed to make choices for ourselves and then break those choices

    but the certain ppl who are there through NO choice of your own — how do you choose there??!!

    ~~

    I know this is really long – but I really need some help with this

    This has been coming up for healing for years and years and years and I’ve been able to not do it

    the reaction I have now to others hanging out there is so intense — and even still I refuse

    bc I truly believe it’ll mean like what happened w your parents

    AND I DON’T WANT THAT

    SO these issues are big in terms of block (and I have already done hours and hours and hours – but I really hold on to this fear of what I ‘know’ happens w spiritual healing —

  35. Sorry this is so long Mel!!!!!

    and thank you for all you do!!!!

    just an addendum –

    I don’t want to heal this and then have all ‘come together’ etc

    I want to BREAK IT APART! that’s the energy I feel within – and in a positive sense

    I don’t believe in or fully understand family structures as convention has it (there are a lot of things about human behavior I just don’t understand) I have no desire to have children – for decades I’ve seen the crap that gets handed down through generations and I feel fully ‘the buck stops with me!’ enough of this! I’m here to heal so much deep internal stuff and NOT to pass it on to another generation. etc

    But I also don’t understand obligations or ‘duty’ etc – though I can certainly feel when another imposes it

    I even outgrow friendships w very fine and wonderful people — and feel fully free to be able to grow and live like that (it’s peaceful)

    but the family thing – it’s SO weird to me.

    And time and again I know through other healers as well that one heal those old wounds, so the relationships can be ‘great’ etc

    BUT what if that’s NOT your goal?!!!

    love K

  36. and ps — especially when my method works!!!

    if I could just get everyone else to get on board w no contact or if this person would die and magically no one ‘blames’ me (again I’m only one here who’s taken a stand and said ‘not ok!’)

    it’s really really hard to face healing this when I’m still here at parents’ house still vulnerable and REALLY want this not to exist (as I have been able to accomplish when here alone by -not-healing it —-)

    see the dilemma?

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