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I am so pleased I shared with you last week the wonderful experiences I have had as a result of releasing and transforming my childhood wounds, and I thank you so much for your beautiful supportive comments regarding the joy I now experience with my parents.

I know many of you have made the connection between the pain of your childhood and the disappointments of your adult life – specifically in the realms of relationships – and I know many of you also want to create a much healthier ongoing experience of life and love.

What we need to understand is as children – we were emotional sponges. We were in alpha brain-wave – we did not have a critical mind which could stand back, rationalise what was happened, and decide whether or not to accept certain ‘messages’ we received from our environment.

These messages, especially the ones which carried heavy emotional charges, entered directly into our subconscious mind.

Neural studies have confirmed that by the age of 35, 95% of our life is controlled from our subconscious programming. It dictates how we react, who we are attracted to, who and what we accept, and the relationships we experience.

This can cause severe problems in our adult life if our Family of Origin and childhood instilled beliefs, which contribute to pain and dissatisfaction in our life, have never been directly addressed.

As you may know by now, my work focuses on shifting the beliefs that we have about ourself and life that don’t serve us in order to turn painful life experiences around and start feeling and creating joy, freedom and love.

Since the work I have done on my Family of Origin, and my research into Female/Male energy I am ecstatic to find a formula that allows you to target any deficient belief system that you gained from your Family of Origin, release the trigger and pain associated with it, and create new belief systems which are aligned with peace, oneness, wellbeing and your Soul’s truth.

In this article I am going to cover exactly what Female and Male energy is, how Female and Male role models may have set you up for pain, abuse and dissatisfying life experiences, and talk to you about the life changing results when you shift into healthy Female/Male energy.

 

How Childhood Wounds Play Out

The two sides of the coin – in response to childhood wounds are this.

  • Revenge
  • High Level of Tolerance To Painful Behaviour with the tendency to try to Fix It

The first point naturally is narcissistic. This is the ego’s fearful response and the positioning of being ‘one up’ and ‘getting in first if feeling threatened’ as well as the deep (often unconscious) need to pay back the original abusive parent(s) through hurting and punishing other people.

As a result of childhood wounds the narcissist has subconsciously decided to avoid being vulnerable. The motto is: I can’t trust anyone and I will make sure I have the upper hand so that I will never be abused again.

This is the narcissist’s survival strategy.

Sadly, the narcissist’s inability to be vulnerable, accountable or real, is the greatest barrier stopping the narcissist from healing the horror of his or her past, and this is why he or she continues to inflict these wounds on him or herself and other people.

In order to fulfil the desire to carry out subconscious malignant revenge, narcissists often choose co-dependents, who also have childhood wounds – because these people stay connected to the narcissist whilst being maliciously punished.

The second point relates to the co-dependent. This is the model of ‘If I can change you this time, I will be able to right the wrongs of the parent who originally hurt me.’

As a result of childhood wounds the co-dependent has subconsciously decided to try harder. The motto is: If I can just make you love me this time around, I won’t be abused and you WILL actually love me.

This is the co-dependent’s survival strategy.

In order to fulfil this desire co-dependents will choose people who will hurt them in ways ‘the child’ perceived years ago. This is of course unconscious, and takes place under the surface whilst the logical mind ‘reasons’ WHY this person is NOT the same as the offending childhood wounds.

This explains why warning signs and red flags are so often and so easily dismissed.

All because the subconscious programs are having their way.

Because they ALWAYS do…

Hence the ‘marriage’ of childhood wounds between the narcissist and the co-dependent where both subconscious survival strategies are activated.

The narcissist (through revenge) and the co-dependent (through clinging on and fixing) are both trying to right the wrongs of their Family of Origin.

 

The Need To Fill The Void

The problem with subconscious programming is that it is governed by Law of Attraction – which means like attracts like.

This means we don’t attract people who will fill our internal painful emotional holes.

Rather we attract people who bring more of them.

This is the truth – point blank: We Attract Our Wounds.

Our goal to stop this happening is to become integrated and whole human beings. Which means becoming the solid, healthy embodiment of Female (Mother) and Male (Father) energy within ourself.

If we don’t have this Female / Male integration we don’t feel whole. Rather we feel anxious, empty and incomplete.

If we have significant gaping wounds – we may feel significantly incomplete and even broken.

We know this because we are not happy in our own skin. We know this if we feel incredibly depressed and alone when we are not distracted by the outside world and other people.

We know this if we feel incredibly empty and depressed because we don’t have a significant other.

The reason we feel like this is because we believe we need someone else to ‘complete us’.

This is the grandest illusion which creates more emptiness and incompletion, and co-creates more emptiness and completion for and with other people as well.

It’s a painful contagion.

 

Emotional Sensitivity Leads To Emotional Damage

As a child starting out in life you didn’t have the embodiment of integrated ‘self’ energy. You were a blank canvas reliant on the mirroring you received from outside of yourself in order to establish your own internal being.

As children we were all co-dependent – we had no ability to create, sustain or manage our own emotional energy.

Therefore the quality of parenting your received was crucial in creating your being. This created your perceptions of yourself, life and relationships with others at a deep cellular level.

Certain children’s personality makeups made them more susceptible to emotional damage than others. The more sensitive a child, the more emotionally affected, and the more trauma occurred.

It’s very important to understand this: subconscious programming was not created by actual ‘events’ – it was created by the child’s emotional perception of these events.

Make no mistake – both narcissists and co-dependents are sensitive individuals. In fact the most damage and wounded children of all are narcissists – they were the ones most vulnerable and sensitive.

Submerging one’s True Self and creating intense defence mechanisms (the False Self) is a horrific survival reaction to extreme emotional hurt.

How much emotional pain was perceived in order to completely disown and ‘kill off’ one’s True Self?

We can’t even begin to imagine…

 

Integrated Female And Male Energy

I’d like to explain to you what healthy Mother and Father Energy looks like and how it impacts our life – if we have this energy, and if we haven’t embodied this energy.

It’s important to understand – regardless of whether we are male or female – ideally we want to have balanced Male and Female energy within us. The balance of this energy is what allows us to be integrated beings.

These are the benefits of Healthy Integrated Mother Energy

  • Unconditional self-love – total acceptance for self, flaws and all
  • The ability to nurture and care for self in healthy ways
  • Empathy, compassion and receptivity for self and others
  • Forgiveness for self and others
  • The ability to just ‘be’ and ‘relax’
  • The connection to peace and joy
  • Expressing creativity
  • Heart connection with self, other individuals, life and nature
  • Vulnerability, emotional authenticity and genuine intimate connections
  • The ability to ‘go within’, meditate, heal and connect to and develop intuition, and one’s Soul and Inner Being
  • Connection to Divinity, Reverence and ‘Oneness’

If we did not receive unconditional love and acceptance from our mothers, we learnt that we were not loveable as we are. We did not accept ourself as being ‘okay’. As a result we may believe we have to earn love – and can only be loveable if we are more aesthetically attractive, if we have a nicer nature, or if we do more things for people.

As adults we nurture and care for our own wellbeing the way our mother nurtured and cared for us. If our mother was always busy we believed ‘other things’ were so much more important than ourself.

If our mother always put herself last, we learned that we were not important and we weren’t worth our own care. If our mother neglected caring for us – we may have limited emotional ability to nurture and care for ourself, as well as other important people in our life.

If our mother tolerated abuse, deceit and bad behaviour, we may have taken on her level of deficient self-love, and learnt to also accept these malignant acts in our life. If our mother was abusive and hurt us significantly we may struggle to trust other females, and unconsciously act out self-sabotage and push away the female love we desire, or we may be attracted to relationships with females who also neglect, hurt and betray us.

If no matter how hard we tried, we could not gain our mother’s love and approval, we may choose people in our life who are also emotionally unavailable. Or we may push people away with our neediness and co-dependent demands, or we may reject or lose attraction to others who express their own emotional needs to us.

If your mother did not know how to take time out, connect with her Inner Being, and honour her own intuition you were not taught how to have a spiritual connection with yourself and life.

As a result you may not have learn how to have compassion for yourself, how to trust yourself and how to connect to you own inner guidance. You may have always had your emotions and choices dictated to you by others, and found that no matter how much you tried to keep others happy it didn’t work. This meant you often ended up going against your truth and you lived within circumstances which were not healthy or fulfilling for you.

If we go back to the list of Healthy Integrated Mother Energy we may see that we’ve been miles away from comfortably settling into and being this energy. Which means we couldn’t enjoy the wellbeing of it, or attract more of it into our life.

If we have gaping Mother wounds within us, we have been in survival, we have been trying to get this wellbeing from outside of ourself – and exasperating these wounds as a result of drawing in and playing out more of these wounds.

Now let’s have a look at Healthy Integrated Father Energy.

These are the benefits:

  • Unconditional self-value and self-worth
  • The ability to encourage and inspire yourself
  • The ability to feel safe in the world
  • Knowing you can look after, provide for and protect yourself in life
  • The confidence and ability to assert your own needs and desires
  • Expressing and living your mission in life
  • The resilience and strength to endure, create and ‘move forward’ in life
  • The establishment of values, integrity and conscience
  • Being responsible for self, and accountable to yourself, others and life
  • Embodying and expressing humility with honour for self and care for others

Healthy male energy is strong and masculine, but it is NOT egoic.

Egoic energy is self-centred survival programs which are self-serving, fearful, competitive and insecure. Egoic actions create damage and separation rather than security and care to self and others. ‘Security’ being the epitome of male energy – but certainly not exclusively in a materialistic / commercial sense.

If your father was critical and punished you, your self-worth and self-value was damaged. Rather than support, inspire and encourage yourself healthily you will self-criticise and self-punish when you don’t believe you have lived up to the standards which may deem you as ‘valuable’ or ‘worthy’.

You may believe you are only acceptable for the money you earn, the career you have, and the acquisitions you own. You may believe people can only love you if you have ‘certain things’ and you constantly compare yourself against other people who have ‘less’ and ‘more’.

If this happened to you, you may want to try to impress other people to gain their acceptance, or you will attract people who always judge you as ‘not good enough’, or you will attract individuals who simply connect to you for material and superficial benefit.

No matter how much recognition, appreciation or approval you gain from others, it may feel like a bottomless pit, because you never feel ‘good enough’.

If your father was not protective and didn’t help you feel safe in the world, you may feel constantly anxious, unsafe, fearful of people and new opportunities, or of not having enough security – and doubt your ability to keep yourself safe and secure in the world.

You may have a tendency to attract people who you think will grant ‘security’, but who will damage, punish you and create insecurity and lack of safety instead.

If your father did not display integrity, the ability to be humble, accountable or genuine with himself and others, you may struggle with accountability, or you may have a tendency to attract others who reflect this lack of authentic realness, or you may sabotage relationships with those who are genuine and accountable people.

If your father placed accomplishment as a value that overrode emotional connection and concern for others, you may take on this tendency, or may rebel against achievements, become unmotivated and resist pursuing your personal mission in life. You may draw partners with either of these imbalances.

If you father was flaky and a poor provider and achiever, you may take on these deficiencies, or counteract by being excessively driven instead.

When we review the list of Healthy Integrated Father Energy we may see that we may have been miles away from comfortably settling into and being this energy. We have not been able to enjoy the comfort and security of this energy, or attract it healthily into our life.

If we have gaping Father wounds within us, we have been in survival, we have been trying to get this solidness from outside of ourself – and exasperating these wounds as a result of drawing in and playing out more of these wounds.

 

Your New Life Moving Forward

We need to understand this….

Relationship is YOU.

Your relationships are reflecting back to you YOURSELF.

They are all a ‘playing out’ of your internal Mother / Father energy.

What this means is we need to stop looking to the outside for other people to fix our Mother / Father wounds.

The truth is these people can’t.

They have their own wounds going on – their wounds are not your responsibility, and your wounds are not their responsibility.

If you are in a relationship with another conscious individual then absolutely you can both take responsibility for your own childhood wounds and then support that person with love and compassion as they heal their wounds – whilst simultaneously working on your own.

This is the essential formula for two wounded people healing together to form a successful and healthy relationship.

If you don’t have this formula, and you are currently in a toxic and unhealthy relationship then you DON’T have a functional relationship.

And you DON’T have the possibility of a future one with this person, if they have no ability or desire to look at, claim and work on their childhood wounds.

If you are single, you are in the perfect position to work on your wounds and then attract in new people who are going to reflect back to you your new liberated state of being.

These relationships include friendships, work partnerships, love partners and even acquaintances who will be at a healthier and higher vibration than the relationships you experienced previously.

Please don’t think you have to be perfect.

You are never going to be.

The truth is in any relationship you will still have wounds to confront and heal, no matter how ‘healthy’ you are.

This is the very purpose of relationships – to assist you to grow, heal and evolve.

Then the genuine love experienced in these relationships is determined by how successfully healing, growth and evolution takes place.

How well that goes is the true measure of connection, intimacy, bond and trust two people can achieve with each other.

Romantic, idolised, perfect or idealistic ‘love’ without relaising the self-evolution reason for relationships (personal growth) is not real love.

Such relationships are modelled on neediness, co-dependency and self-avoidance, and they grow apart and not together.

If you know you have patterns, intense fear, pain and dysfunction which have not been working for you, it is foolhardy to consider a love relationship until you clean these up – because if you don’t you will simply receive and / or conduct yourself as these wounds.

If you commit to healing your wounds and take full responsibility to do so, THEN you will be able to attract, accept and cooperate in a relationship which is healthy enough to heal and grow within.

That is what a spiritual ‘soul mate’ relationship is – it is a relationship that is not trapped in egoic survival, emotional deception and power struggles – it is a relationship of sharing emotional authenticity, mutual growth and the co-creation of wonderful evolution.

 

How To Heal Your Childhood Wounds

I am not a fan of contemporary therapy in any shape or form – and I don’t mind being outspoken about this.

The reason is because ‘talk’ therapy and simply receiving ‘information’ is only scraping the surface, and usually re-traumatises people, because all one does is re-live the pain with no healing or true resolution of the wounds.

This is why people spend years in therapy, and often after spending thousands of dollars experience no real change in their life. Generally medication for the emotional suffering is the only solution, because the cause of the pain has not been genuinely healed.

Wouldn’t it be MUCH more appropriate to go straight to the subconscious wounds and actually release and heal them?

Of course it is – because that is how people actually heal.

In regard to the shifts I did with my childhood wounds 5 months ago, if I didn’t have a tool to access my subconscious painful charges and belief systems, and had seen a therapist instead – I know I would still be having weekly sessions discussing my painful childhood, and I would still be carrying the pain, and still experiencing disconnection with my parents.

I know this because I used to go to contemporary therapy (years ago) and I have dealt with thousands of people who have also been going over ‘the story’ of their childhood and relationship pain for years with no end in sight.

Resolution is never created by recounting the ‘story’ – it is about releasing the emotion of what happened.

I have heard of some therapists who have provided results – and this is my consensus regarding this incredibly rare exception to the rule. These therapists use deeper processes which can work on the subconscious, or the people who saw these therapists gained ‘guidance’ and then did their own subconscious shift work – or (even rarer still) there is a tiny percentage of the community who through logical information can line their subconscious up with their cognitive mind and shift at a being level without working directly on their subconscious.

Which is pretty incredible – when all of us at around age 12 experienced the gateway between our subconconscious mind and conscious mind firmly shutting off.

The only people who can experience what I would call ‘cognitive spontaneous healings’ are those who have very few (if any) survival programs operating which have created defence mechanisms.

Defence mechanisms are resistance – they are ‘guards’ against past, current and future hurt. If we have zero resistance (such as when we were ‘open’ and innocent children) information can go straight from our logical mind down into our subconscious and change us at a being level.

If we have resistance in the way that is impossible.

Who on earth doesn’t have a ton of resistance (fear and pain) after being narcissistically abused?

Our survival programs are hugely invested in hanging on to the data of the past, applying that to future dangers that could appear in our present and future, and beta function (survival brainwave) is highly activated.

In survival reaction mode there is no access to the subconscious mind in order to release painful energy, obtain healing, embody peace or create new realities.

In order to heal our childhood programs we need to understand our life is created from our subconscious belief systems. These are NOT logical, and we would never knowingly choose the ones which have continued to manifest pain in our life.

These are the ‘less than’ thoughts / feelings we had about ourself, others and life – especially the ones we have strong painful emotional charges with. These belief systems are stored information in our subconscious which dictate powerfully what and who we attract and who we are being in our life.

So how do we change a belief system?

The answer is simple – we release the emotional charge from it.

When we do this we can remember an event, but it no longer has any emotional power over us. This means we are no longer wired into the negative belief system on this topic.

This means we are no longer an attraction force for it – and we no longer behave like it.

To do this work we have to be willing to go inside, access the emotional pain and follow it back to the belief system, and release the emotional charge.

Then we are free of it.

This requires self-humility and it takes vulnerability.

Obviously this means we have to admit we have inner wounds.

It means acknowledging we are wounded inner children, we do have internal emotional defects, and we are going to meet these wounds with love in order to release them.

We are NO different from our forebears – our parents and their parents and so on and so forth – they were wounded ‘children’ as well…. BUT are we going to keep carrying the wounds of the past?

That is the real question…

And are we going to keep passing them on from generation to generation – or are we going to stop the painful cycle here at ourself?

Once we meet our wounds with love in order to release them, we free ourselves from the painful emotional anchors of the past, and we then have available energy to create the healthy realities that we do wish to model our present and future life on.

It is very important to understand that when you are carrying painful emotional energy, your analysis of yourself, life and other people on this painful topic can only be analysed within the ‘set’ of painful chemicals you are producing in your mind and body.

You are in fact locked into the way you think, feel and behave on this topic.

So many people want to think a different way in order to feel better. Your chemical composition just doesn’t work easily like that – in fact approaching your healing from that angle takes enormous effort.

IF you release the emotion first, however, then easily and naturally you have access to better thoughts and feelings (more evolved perceptions) on this topic.

In fact instantly…

That is what emotional freedom looks like and feels like…

This is what Quanta Freedom Healing is all about.

The Transforming Your Family Of Origin Wounds mini-course grants you a step-by-step format to make lists of the people you carry emotional charges on, access your related childhood wounds, and explains how to target them in a particular order – as well as providing the Quanta Freedom Healing process which works directly on your subconscious to release them.

Then through the Quanta Freedom Healing process you can download and integrate the Healthy Female and Male Energy to fill the space where the painful beliefs once were.

Previously painful beliefs, which were running your life, are released and upgraded to solid ones which do serve you within minutes.

Many people emailed me last week wanting to know if they should do the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program as well as this mini-course.

This is my answer…

If you are recovering from a narcissistic intimate partner relationship then NARP is essential.

There are so many hooks and addiction phenomenon which occur as a result of narcissistic love relationships, and NARP covers releasing these from your subconscious mind extensively.

Then after doing so, absolutely this mini program will be a wonderful addition to clean up the Family of Origin wounds which brought you to the narcissistic relationship – in order to really heal your pattern of abuse.

If you suffered a narcissistic Family of Origin relationship, and not an intimate partner relationship then there is a choice. If you have been able to detach and create No Contact or Modified Contact and honour yourself with the Family of Origin narcissist(s) then you could simply do the Transforming Family Of Origin Wounds Course.

If you are still being abused, and feel hooked, guilty or responsible toward the Family of Origin narcissist(s) then I would strongly suggest that you do specific NARP Modules (focusing on the FOO narcissist) and then do TFOOW once you have completed those healings.

I hope you now feel a lot of hope in regard to the deep healing and recovery you will be able to achieve when you liberate your childhood wounds.

It is a great desire of mine that you can sense how this mini-program will be able to change your life (as it has mine) in incredible ways.

I look forward to your comments and any questions you may have about this article.

 

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36 thoughts on “How To Transform Your Family Of Origin Wounds Part 2

  1. Very refreshing to read about the family of origin abuse. I have been following your articles on narcissistic relationships but they never quite connected to my personal problems. This latest article has dealt with my hurt fully! I have been living with this abuse now for many many years without realising it. In fact it has got worse as my mother and I have got older. Through reading your advice, I have managed modified contact with her and that has helped me but I still feel I need to deal with my own feelings on taking this decision. I look forward to reading about your new mini program next week which hopefully will help me fully release these childhood wounds. I also don’t understand why it has taken me so long to realise what has been happening to me. Is this normal?

    1. Hi Lauren,

      I am so glad that you now have that connection through to your specific wounds…

      That is very true that abuse / suffering gets worse as we get older if we don’t change the cycle…

      Firstly narcissists become more and more maladaptive (narcissism is not a natural state) and dysfunctional as they get older, as a result of more and more damage occurring to their neuron pathways as a result of over-activated survival (egoic) programs, and the abuse suffered by a someone being abused also become a vicious cycle of trying to survive and creating more emotional addictions to pain and abuse.

      Things don’t just ‘sort out’ by themself – we are locked in to more and more subconscious programming – and needing ‘more’ of the chemical we are hooked on (powerlessness, abuse etc..) subconsciously to confirm our existence (ego) – without even consciously realising this is happening.

      Not fun!

      Yes it is normal to ‘not realise’…the reason being what has been happening is your level of ‘normal’…it is what you have been programmed and conditioned to accept.

      It often isn’t until we start breaking free from the painful emotional entanglements – that we look back at what we were accepting, tolerating and experiencing and understand just how abusive and dysfunctional it is.

      I hope that explanation helps!

      Mel xo

  2. This is a fab.article and describes my life in childhood, and thus ended up with an N, I am out from him now and with four adult children, I do need to guide them as I have done a lot of work on myself after the damage this vampire created. This article is so true and I will be showing it to them so that they too will heal and cut that generation to generation trail of damage. You are a gem Melanie with much thanks, prayers and love for your sharing.

  3. Hello Mel. I so look forward to these articles that you send via email each week. I always value them because you share information that is helpful and gives insight into all the things I am getting healed from. Thank you. I read about mother/father energy and was pleased that I have a lot of the healthy parts inside me. This is because I was fortunate enough to have been re-parented as an adult within a therapeutic community which encouraged patients to feel their feelings at a deep level. In groups, we were encouraged to come with our fully present negative feelings like narcissistic rage, hurt, pain of any kind, anger, terror and the list goes on. We could share any feeling in the groups at their level of original intensity and within the group, the doctor and co-therapist were very skilled at hearing the pain fully and allowing it all to come out. If I went to a group and was reactive to another person, or that person was reactive to me, the feelings were allowed and the mother and father (doctor and co-therapist – always male and female)acted as a safe haven and worked to get each person to fully express the feeling and would not allow either person to dump unowned stuff on the other. I learned in those groups that what I thought and felt was accurate and it was valued. Several people would not like what was shared and would leave the group when they could not effectively dump their stuff on other vulnerable people. It was beautiful to watch as stuff got put in its right place and hurting people got to see where they were originally wounded and to feel the intensity of that and then release the pain. Psychodrama was also extremely helpful for me. I got involved in healing when my daughter was born because (I didn’t have a name for it then, but her father is a N and I was extremely traumatised, to the point of utter destruction, during that relationship). My therapy allowed a lot of healing to occur in me and my family of origin wounds to be recognised and healed. I had previously spent many years being angry with and blaming my mother in particular, because I thought that she was withholding love and understanding from me. Sadly, I learned that she didn’t have any to give, that I was wounded and had to heal, and that the quicker I let go my unhelpful reactions to my mother, the better it would be. I realised with a shock that the damage was done and it was my job to heal it so that I could have my life. I then embarked on that journey. I think I was amazingly fortunate to have been given that hospital, that doctor and those therapists that gave me my life for the very first time. Initially I had no awareness that I had a problem. Had I not been able to have the awareness I eventually got, perhaps I would still be an empty, bottomless pit, looking for a man to pull in to fill me up. I would still have issues with spending money to fill the hole; dreadful thought. I am still in the process of healing and my most recent relationship with my N ex-boyfriend was a step in the right direction. In that relationship, I was bitterly disappointed at his emotional unavailability, his inability to be reciprocal, his constant drama and ability to take and continue to take. It was difficult to break free because although he was causing me harm and although I didn’t want to change him in any way, I was still hopeful that he could change to be available to me emotionally so that we could share a wonderful life together. It was really a fantasy and is never really likely to happen. The gift in it all is that I have been able to address the existing holes in my soul with QFH and kinesiology and next balance is to do a root balance for security that I do not have within me. I have a misguided belief that there is something wrong with me because I do not have a partner in life. I always expect that things will go wrong and I hold on to difficult feelings, unable to let them go. I was feeling a lot of longing attached to nothing! It is now released! I am learning that I am ok just by myself and do not have to agonise about being on my own. This is on an energy level. I have also got a lot of good mother/father energy within me since I have a good life, can support myself fully and nearly own my own home and am doing the work I love to do in the world. I still want a partner to share my life with and am hopeful that as I heal and my energy becomes freed up and resonates at a higher level, that it will happen. I was so pleased when you shared with me that I have that possibility for it to happen and that I will really know it when it does. I am really looking forward to that day. In the meantime, I am feeling much more relaxed and loving my time with myself and am meditating every day. That is my new commitment to myself and I am now 7 days MC ( lol meditation contact ha ha). So thank you so much Melanie for what you have given me through your site and your ability to truly care that we heal.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      that is wonderful that you enjoy my articles 🙂

      That is great that you feel that you have integrated a lot of Male / Female energy – and that is what will be contributing greatly to the feelings of strength, solidness and wholeness you are building inside – and it is wonderful Suzanne that you are working on focusing and healing any insecurity (lack of solidness) within that you still have.

      Whenever the experience of ‘unavaliable’ comes up – this is the reflection of the wound of the unavaliable parent which needs to be healed and released.

      Also very, very important to get to the bottom of ‘there is something wrong with me because I am single’.

      Many, many people suffer from that often deeply ancestral belief which can be cleared.

      The danger is – if it isn’t – of sustaining another abusive relationship and not letting go (once connected) becuase of the fear of being single…

      For anyone who has ever been narc abused it is SO important to clear that up.

      Ironically a partner in our life usually happens when we are so whole and complete we don’t need it to happen…and when we just know without a doubt ‘it will happen’ yet are happy and full and have no ‘need’ for it to!

      Keep working on you – and releasing all your fears and old childhood programming and you will naturally BE-COME the other half of a glorious relationship.

      Because you will be the divine union (Female / Male energy) within yourself.

      …and ‘so within, so without’…

      Mel xo

  4. Again Melanie you get right to the heart of the matter.I still have unheald wonds concerning my father,very deep ones that actually are being reenforced through his also throwing me away(the N just did tht)I know that he bought into the lies the n told about me and in his mind ,he (my father) has likened me to my mother(who was the N in both of our lives)as he is BPD this is easier for him and I dispare of haveing any reconciliation in that area.Stranger things have happened recently though ,so Im starting to believe that,that perseption is false…and borne of the peptides.I will now go forward to do the work in that area(having healed the hurt from my mother…the road is clear)Thank you agin …If it were’nt for you (NARP) and the group I might still be floundering in a sea of harm and dispare…seeking another narc or locked into the N that was my husband.Thanks for the “Life-Ring”

    1. Hi Rebecca,

      This is great that you are feeling the Life-Ring, and know that there are wounds still to heal and that you can continue to release them.

      Because life can only get better and better as a result.

      You are so welcome Rebecca, truly you have done a wonderful job of breaking free and empowering yourself to date.

      Mel xo

  5. sorry for the spelling mistakes..its a “bad day” brain wise for me …time for some B vitamins .

  6. Hi Melanie,

    Next week can’t come soon enough LOL. After doing no contact for the last 5-6 months my inlaws just land on our doorstep with little warning (they called like 2 minutes before coming over and left a message – I’m not kidding). They had attended a wedding of a relative that was held nearby, which we decided not to go to. Now I know as sure as I know my own face my FIL trashed me (and to a lesser degree my husband)to anyone who would listen at the reception, but he has no problem showing up on our doorstep like nothing had ever happened. I am proud that my husband handled it so civilly. He was courteous but also told his father we were leaving and that they would have to go too. My husband would not have been able to do that a year ago I can tell you.

    I look forward to your program for me though. I want to be free of the hooks that pull me into this. I look forward to more of your wisdom and to working through this.

    1. Hi Lisa,

      this is great that your husband has been getting clearer and setting healthier boundaries.

      Truly you won’t know yourself without the emotional charges and hooks..

      It is such a freedom…

      I am so glad this mini-program will be able to help you!

      Mel xo

  7. My life is changed! I was raised by a narcissistic father and co dependent mother. I have been doing the work and the release of forgiveness to my parents is such a gift to me. They have not changed and it is fine. I still love them but I am understanding of their wounds and have accepted and given up my emotional pain.

    The biggest action going on in my life however, is how I now deal with the narcissistic x husband of 42 yrs. He has tried to get rid of me in the successful family business. While I fully realize how and why he must act like a manipulative bully and try revenge, I simply got a proxy, attorneys and know I do not have to sign or sell anything. I can stand up for myself, ask for help all the while own that I cannot hate someone with personality disorder. I also know I will not accept or allow his behaviors to change my choices in life.

    I now have boundaries with all my family. I tell my daughters that I love them but sometimes I am going to disappoint them. And sometimes I do. I am ” putting my mask on first ” these days.Every time I do, the boundary muscles get stronger.

    I am empowered. I didn’t know what that meant before.Do I feel alone sometimes? Yes, but I also love my strength and can never go back to living for others, before myself.

    Do the work, take a step forward every day, be caring and good to yourself and live the difference.

    1. Hi Irene,

      How fantastic that you have ben able to free yourself of that childhood pain – and have opened up to the grace of realising your parents were in fact wounded children themself.

      Regarding your husband and what he is doing (as narcissists commonly do) keep working Module 8 and 4 of NARP determinedly to get your charges and pain down – and then you will be aligned with the best possible outcome.

      Fantastic you’re making sure of your own solidness and wellbeing so that you can serve yourself and others in solid and healthy ways…That is key!

      Thank you for your lovely and inspirational post Irene – and you are doing GREAT!

      Mel xo

  8. Hi Mel,

    How very informative and true! The masculine/father issues gave me the goosebumps because of how it resonated with me.

    What do you suggest would be some limited belief systems to muscle test to make sure our lack of Mother/Father energy is not affecting us?

    Thanks!

  9. Hi Mel,
    I will definitely be doing this mini course. My dad was a very cruel narc and my mother a hopeless codependent. Their marriage ended in 1978 and she continues to live it fully every day of her life. I don’t want this for myself at all! The physical toll on her body, due to her mindset has been terrible. Her mental torment has manifested to the point of her becoming almost an invalid at 66 yrs old. Although I have compassion for her, she continually wants to pull me down into her hell so she’s not so lonely. She lives in poverty and blames someone who hasent been around for over 30 years. I find her outlook totally exhausting and of course, self defeatist. If it weren’t for my sense of responsibility for her, I would have been long gone years ago. My brother saw things so much clearer than me, so he left as soon as he finished high school. I have been extremely angry at her in the past, because as I was helping my daughter to leave home for a new life with her fiance in north Queensland, my mother was undermining my daughter’s confidence by presenting her with an array of “what its”, and the were all horribly negative. Scary things could happen. When that didn’t work, she turned on the tears, which devastated my daughter and induced a lot of fear in her. I was livid at my mother and told her so. How dare she do that to my daughter who was embarking on a new adventure. I realised then, that this is what she’s always done to me. Although she’s not evil, there has always been emotional manipulation. Whether overt or covert. All so she doesn’t feel lonely. Problem is now, yes I’m still here, but my resentment of it is overwhelming.
    Alot of this stuff really started surfacing recently while doing narp. I’m so glad there’ll be something that targets these specific charges.

    1. Hi Madonna,

      that is great that you wish to heal through the mini-course.

      It is always so sad when we hear of Mums who just have not healed or found their way out of the shell-shock of narc abuse…

      So many of them do end up sick – and my heart goes out to her and you.

      Oh yes, working this mini-program will not only assist you to heal – TRULY it will also have a very positive affect on your mother for her healing …through you…

      Both of you will benefit greatly – and that is the magic of deep inner cellular healing – it affects others energetically incredibly as well.

      Mel xo

  10. Hi Mel

    Wow! It is just amazing. I had no idea about why my life was the way it was. Full of pain, fear, unworthiness, etc. Why it kept happening. Two Narc marriages. I thought I just made bad choice. I could not understand why I could not connect to my mother. Now I believe there was no bonding. For this I was feeling guilty and a bad daughter for not wanting to be around her. As a child I know there where men in the house while dad was at work. I remember her always fighting my dad and accusing him. He just took it never yelled or hit her. When he was gone,then we heard how he was no good etc. We had hardly no contact with dad because of her. Drinking, smoking, men, no time for us (6 girls)was mom.Did not know she suffered NPD. Did’t know what it was. Just thought she was a mean lady. My child life is a blur. Could I be blocking out bad memories. One bad memory did come to mind that I was molested by her brother. I know it happened but I will try discredit myself. Wow it is just so amazing how the universe really works. Knowledge is key and I thank you for sharing. I thank the universe for the gift to finally have a chance to heal.

    1. Hi Melody,

      How often do we just excuse things as humans as ‘bad choices’ or ‘bad luck’?

      There are NO mistakes – our life on the outer reflects the inner powerfully – without exception.

      Yes Melody, it is really common to block out childhood memories – however when we are ready to heal and we start feeling inwards then we can access these memories and emotional charges in order to release them.

      I agree we are so blessed by how the Universe backs our intention to heal every step of the way – and provides us with exactly what we need…

      You are welcome – and I am so thilled I can share and assist…

      Mel xo

  11. hi Mel. Well, I buried my mother on monday, but she is very much alive in my thoughts. I am exhausted and heavy from grief. I want to numb out today, and I know it is part of grief for me. I try my best to stay in my feelings. But I reach a point where I just want a break. I feel called to wade through the burdens of my family of origin, and a responsibility to step up to the plate, and yet the burden of grief in all its complexities temps me to hide away. My daughter is also considering moving in with her narc father, adding more concern to my overload. I guess I am writing today, with a heavy heart in need of some encouragement and connection. I feel like a weary soldier in the fight for love and truth, looking for a respite from the burden of pain that has been passed to me. Sometimes, you just need to know you are not alone. That is me. I know this too shall pass.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      You poor love..and totally understandable you are feeling so much grief.

      For now it is about honouring yourself and giving yourself permission to release this grief Ruth. Truly – don’t worry about shifting until you can cry, and cry and cry as much as you need to.

      That is your healthiest choice for now…just to allow that emotion freely. Do you have a lovely friend or another family member you can just be with and cry?

      Or a loving pet who you can cuddle with and cry – or even a photo of you as a child and imagining cuddling her and allowing her to cry…

      I know you will find your way to honour and allow this grief.

      Then when it is not as raw, absolutely you will be able to get to releasing and transforming the wounds under this grief.

      For now it is important to cry my love – and please feel the love and support of the community and myself here for you.

      Mel xo

  12. Hi Mel,
    Im really excited about your new course.I started the NARP at the tail end of a very abusive narcissistic relationship. I was devastated and my life was in shambles. I experienced tremendous benefit from the program. I was able to end the relationship for good and have maintained no contact. Also, for the first time in my adult life I have been single for a substantial period of time. I am a far happier and more secure person than I was a year ago. Much of the healing that I have experienced through the NARP has been in connection with my childhood. I really have come a long way, but at times I still feel stuck. (regretful and fearful of the future) I believe that this course may help me to overcome this last resistance. I can’t wait to start.
    Thanks so much for all of your help and support.
    Rosalie

    1. Hi Rosalie,

      you are so welcome!

      That is great that you are excited, because the new mini-course will grant you some really powerful releases and shifts.

      You have already done a wonderful job of overcoming the co-dependency to be able to be solidly alone – that is fantastic!

      Once you do release those blocks to moving forward you will be in a wonderful position to claim and create your exciting new life.

      Only a few days to go now until the release!

      Mel xo

  13. Melanie:

    This article, as with your Family of Origin Wounds Part 1 article are outstanding. I have read many materials, spent time in counseling in years past, and never have I come across such helpful and to the point explanations and advice. Thank You.

    Denise

  14. Hello Melanie,
    Thank you for a fantastic source of healing from narcissistic abuse and for the articles on healing family of origin wounds. I am anxiously waiting for the NARP with the FOOW mini- course to be released! In the mean time I have been working with the QFH program.

    I have many issues surrounding FOOW and childhood wounds from my narc mother who stole me and my siblings away from my dad and emotionally abused us. It is 45 years later and my dad died 30 years ago without having the chance to reconcile with me and my brother (my sister was older and always fought for him). Before the QFH program so much has been coming up for me, and more since, although with the program I am beginning to feel better. My question is, is it normal for more and more stuff to come up like this? And is it normal for ones life to fall apart in mid-life like this?

    I recently divorced my narc husband (I married my “mother”), and have been unemployed after quitting my job with a narc boss last year. I have been so fearful of getting a job with another narc, but also cannot figure out what my calling is as I have never pursued what I wanted ( and do ‘t know what that might be a this point). Anyway, it has been difficult form me to even look for any work because I am so drained as I work through my narc recovery. Is this normal? I have been considering renting a room with a supportive relative so as to have time to heal before getting work (I have one more year of a small alimony award). Is it advisable to recover without other distractions like work, if it is possible to do so?

    Thank you so much!

    1. Hi LB,

      You are so very welcome, and I am so pleased the Family Of Origin articles resonated with you.

      LB when we go through personal catharsis it is incredible normal to feel like ‘everything is falling apart’..

      It is like death / rebirth – and the more we resist the worse it is. It truly is a process of surrendering in to it – and knowing that the grand scheme of life (which is Who You Really Are at your deepest level of consciousness) has something much greater in store for you than the inner programming and life that you have been living to date.

      Of course our ego doesn’t like this. It wants to hang on to the Old Ways… (because it is a pain body)

      Very, very, VERY often this happens in mid-life, because we get to a time where we just can’t ‘fake’ it anymore – we can’t just dust off, get up and keep going as the Old Self any longer…

      And no matter how painful this may feel, it truly is time to allow this process, go with it, purge and release the pain and old programs so that you CAN open up the space to claim Who You Really Are – which is the divine, flowing, loving, serene being who knows how to honour herself and life – she is the REAL being underneath that old pain and old programs.

      So YES heaps of stuff comes up…and in fact this ‘time’ we are in, is all about releasing the old egoic false patterns to become Who We Really Are..

      I believe that if you can – and it sounds like you can – honour this time of release then that is wonderful. It doesn’t matter what you have lost or had to let go of – because truly this is clearing the space and the room for your new life.

      You will know when it is time to expand again..in the meantime honour the surrender and letting go of the old – which is what this true healing is all about.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  15. Dear Melanie,
    I went No contact with my narc mother nine months ago, five months later I decided to take a break from conventional therapy and try the NARP course. I have now moved on to the SEC and am currently working through Module 9. It’s really yucky, but I’ll get through it as soon as possible.

    My father left when I was five and I only heard from him two times after he disappeared for good. (he died in 2001) His family wanted nothing to do with us after I was 12.

    have also had to go no contact with my only brother as my mother took to using him to get to me. And my grandmother also, since my mother is her caregiver in the nursing home and I don’t want to bring more punishment down on her. She was the only one except for one aunt who was loving and kind to me. I still have limited contact with my favourite aunt who lives far away but I’m afraid to get too close now in case I have to cut her loose too. It’s so lonely now with just my husband’s family and our two children (5 & 3 yrs old).

    I look forward to healing my family of origin wounds and hope that it will help me be a better parent for my children and a happier person, if nothing else.

    Thanks for your great work in creating NARP, the SEC and now this new program. I look forward to working with it.

    Sincerely,
    Nadine

    1. Hi Nadine,

      that is great that you have been doing the deep inner work. Yes the healing self-sabotage module in the SEC Course is big!

      And extremely powerful, because when you release those survival and self-punishment programs so much relief, space and ‘ease’ starts entering your emotions and life.

      You have suffered a great deal of pain from your FOO Nadine – absolutely.

      The newi mini course will assist this so much – you are truly ready to be free of these wounds.

      You are very welcome Nadine.

      Mel xo

  16. I recently came to grips with a lifetime of narcissistic abuse when my now ex-girlfriend of 4 years informed me she had contracted an STD from her cheating on me. Thankfully I didn’t get it.

    I’ve learned that my issues go back to my FOO. Here’s an example of what live in my family is like for me:

    Two sons come to their mother’s house for mother’s day dinner. Son 1, who is significantly more affluent than son 2, shows up with a masterful $200 flower arrangement, complete with two dozen white roses (mom’s favorite). Mom absolutely gushes when she sees it. “It’s perfect!” she exclaims. She gives son 1 a huge hug and thanks him profusely. Son 2 shows up with a single carnation. Mom receives son 2’s carnation with a smirk and a “thanks”. Son 1’s masterful arrangement is placed as the centerpiece of the dining room table. Son 2’s single carnation is put in a plastic cup and placed on the vanity in the basement bathroom. The more affluent son 1 has arranged to have the entire mother’s day dinner catered by one of the best restaurants in town. Everyone sits down to eat. Mom can’t stop gushing about how perfect son 1’s flower arrangement is “Where did you find it?” “It’s just so beautiful!” She repeatedly exclaims how fantastic the food is “I love lobster!” “This has to be the best lobster I’ve ever had!”, She constantly gushes over Son 1 “He’s always been such a good son!”. She asks son 1 how his life is, how’s his big house, does he like his new car, how are his kids, etc, etc. She goes on and on. Son 2 sits quietly eating his dinner. During a brief respite in mom’s gushing over son 1, son 2 says “I was promoted at work last week”. Mom responds with “that’s nice” and goes back to gushing over the meal, the flowers, and son 1.

    I’ve felt like son 2 my entire life.

    1. Hi Dave,

      it is always a horrible shock when we find out about cheating, and the pathological lies which narcissists do regarding adultery.

      I am so sorry you had to go through this – however it is a blessing that you did find out, have not contracted an STD (narcissists are notorious for sexual liasons without using protection – ‘actions with no thought of consequences’) and have now finished the relationship with her.

      From what you are describing you have absolutely gained painful wounds from your FOO – and of course the belief systems which go with that…which then continued to play out unconsciously.

      YOu can heal these, and change this emotional ‘torture’ and pattern, and I truly hope you do choose to commit to that.

      Mel xo

  17. A very big thanks Melanie for everything. I’d like to share this story. The key words are: I decline to accept your abuse.

    Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good. There was a man who knew about his reputation and he traveled miles and miles and miles to test Buddha. When he arrived and stood before Buddha, he verbally abused him constantly; he insulted him; he challenged him; he did everything he could to offend Buddha.

    Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”

    The man responded with, “Well, what?”

    Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?”

    The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it.”

    Buddha smiled, “That is correct. So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?”

    The man was speechless and walked away.

    1. Hi Jewel,

      You are so welcome 🙂

      What a gorgeous and beautiful Buddha parable – and so 100% correct..

      This is so true when we detach, do No Contact and know the projections are no longer our stuff, life or business – and NOT okay to ever be a part of again…then yes it does all to where it belongs – which is the narcissist’s ongoing nightmare…’home to sender’.

      Thank you for sharing your wonderful post..

      Mel xo

  18. Can someone being abused by a narcissist( be the co-dependant and also have some narcissist traits themselve.

  19. Dear Mel,

    I have FINALLY figured out that my father is a Narcissist, not a Dry Drunk! Within your website I discovered a range of issues which hit so many chords, as to become a veritable Symphony!

    Now that I know Narcissism is incurable, I realize his behaviour will never end.

    I had truly believed if I made ‘a+b=c’ logic, his responses would be logical as well. But when you live with someone who changes ‘the rules of the game’ at their convenience, my kind of logical thinking can not anticipate or understand when or how that could happen!

    It’s hard to think straight when your head is spinning! I tried so hard to figure it out. Why did I keep losing my balance? I was so disoriented that I never noticed; he routinely tipped my world!

    To continue to have him in my life is to set myself up for destruction, for no matter what I do/don’t do, say/don’t say, it has no bearing on his responses.

    I would love nothing more than to have an informal ‘No Contact’ with him! Problem is, we’re both members of a large extended family! To have ‘No Contact’ with my Dad means a schism rips open in their midst! No one can hover over the abyss; everyone has to land on a side. My Husband, Daughter & Son are definitely on my side, but where my Mom, Sister, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Nephew, & Niece end up will have an affect on everyone. It is like a very complicated game of ‘Cat’s Cradle’, where one pull of the string changes the shape of the whole, and everyone gets moved, whether they wanted to or not! And with all these strings zipping back & forth, I fear the friction will cut my heart to bits.

    Recently my Mom had a bout with Cancer; despite my best efforts to create a supportive & peaceful environment for her, my Dad & I had another ‘blowout’! I realize now that my best efforts would never have been good enough: there is always an excuse. But this time, for the first time…I finally realized: 1) he is desperately afraid of losing her because then he would be utterly ALONE, 2) in terms of rage reaction to something not going his way, it is proportional to using a bazooka to kill a fly!, 3) he never does this in front of witnesses, 4) when he doesn’t like what I have to say he calls me a liar, 5) he uses the excuse of being ‘on time’ as a way to bully, yell, fuss & control, 5) he LIKES to hurt me; for a moment I saw a sadistic little smile on his face as he cut me down.

    For the 1st time, I wondered if there was a possibility of Narcissism. No wonder now.

    So, yah… I will probably be labelled ‘The Problem’, but it’s better than the label I have been wearing which says ‘Scapegoat’: I found it & ripped it off myself!

    My biggest fear is for my sister…she has been ‘The Golden Child’; she can’t/won’t see the truth. If I am no longer in the scene, he will need SOMEONE has to fill my place so he can continue to abuse. It is a position which can not stay vacant, due to the wisdom which was once shared with me…

    A ‘Black Sheep’ is not BORN into a family. They are systemically MADE to perform a function within the family. Their role as Black Sheep may even be utilized further afield by the community! As long as all the problems can be placed on the Black Sheep, everyone else stays looking spotless & perfect. But if that Black Sheep attempts to change their role within the family: LOOK OUT! Instead of encouragement, the full force of the family comes down on them to STAY where they were put! The Sheep either has to give in to the pressure or venture forth, alone, in search of greener pasture!

    It’s a busy day on the farm: Scape-Goats & Black Sheep are getting ‘the-Duck-out’ of this Chicken Coop!

    Baaaa,
    Kim S.

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