Melanie Tonia Evans

Is He or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries and Accountability

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1

I get numerous emails every week asking this exact question.

So many people ask – How can I be sure?

I want you to be very clear on what I am about to state. It’s actually not important whether someone has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or whether they don’t, or are displaying enough narcissistic traits to make your life painful or unbearable. What is important is that you are aligned with and living the life that you wish to live, and creating that truth by holding powerfully to that truth – no matter how hard that may be to do ….

Most people have some narcissistic traits and it is normal to have exhibited narcissistic behaviour at some point in their life. However, there is a big difference between normal people who are capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their behaviour and those with NPD who are incapable of this.

I am aware that this person at some point seemed like the love of your life and the temptation is to try and help this person change their narcissistic behaviour and recover. The problem is that some people take the N’s word immediately only to be set up for another soul destroying experience.

In this article I am going to show you how you can use the most powerful tool in your arsenal – boundaries – to find out if this person is capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their actions without risking another experience that could cost you your soul, mental well-being and even life.

There is nothing worse than being set upon maliciously by someone you believed you could trust, someone you love, and someone you thought loved you and had your best interests at heart.

It is a highly traumatic experience ….

Do you want to have that happen to you again at the hands of this person?

Clearly – NO!

I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behaviour, have had their near death experience (wake up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy and addressed their inner toxic issues causing their narcissistic behaviour, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive and loving partners – and even spectacular ones.

It’s not the norm, but it can happen – if this person has the resources and does not have NPD.

There is a huge difference between a person who has acted badly, takes full responsibility, and does everything in their power to heal, and another who stays stuck in non-accountability, projection and poor behaviour.

The truth of the matter is, if this person does have the resources to heal and re-create themselves as a stable partner with integrity for you – a lot of this shift has to be created by you.

But it won’t be as a result of you “fixing” this person.

It will actually be as a result of you “fixing yourself”….

Therefore, don’t wait around, research articles and obsess about whether or not your narcissistic partner is or isn’t capable of healing and amending their ways.

Instead live your truth powerfully.

THEN you will find out ….

A little further in this article I’m going to explain how you can do that ….

Before I do that, I would like to share my opinion regarding the people who truly I feel there is little or no hope for ….

 

Which Narcissistic People Are Extremely Unlikely To Heal

  • Pathological liars
  • Serial sex addicts
  • Those resistant to having any therapy, or who denounce therapy after one or only a few visits, or who use therapy as a “trick” to make you assume they are changing, or use joint therapy experiences without accountability to devalue you as the partner (you’re the defective crazy person)
  • Physical abusers
  • Those who display a distinct lack of empathy
  • Individuals who display regular criminal, sociopathic or psychopathic behaviour

If your narcissistic partner or ex-partner fits into any of these categories, I believe the chances are incredibly slim of reform, and I would suggest moving on and keep moving on. This is just my opinion based on what I have observed over the years. If you believe otherwise that is fine.

 

What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?

  • Hitting rock bottom as a result of “loss” – generally this loss will be you
  • Full and ongoing ownership and accountability of what they have done, the issues they have, the damage created and total remorse for their narcissistic actions
  • Ongoing and committed therapy that he or she is doing as an integral part of their personal journey, as a “have to” and a “want to” do
  • Repairing any damage they have inflicted to the best of their ability – including financial damage
  • Full focus on caring about you and wanting to support you and help you feel safe in the relationship rebuild
  • Granting consistency and full disclosure of their life, and the actions match the words
  • Ability to grant you the time and space to heal and connect at your pace
  • Not displaying entitlements, jealousy or revenge concerning any relationship opportunities you may have pursued in your time apart – instead, accepting thatit’s because of their behaviour that you were in that position
  • Willing to talk to anyone else in your life that doubts them, has been damaged, or has fear for your well-being, whilst conducting themselves in full humility and accountability in order to help support you
  • Loving you enough to want you to be happy with or without them in your life (not making it about them)
  • Asking you to lay boundaries such as financial or relationship contracts to prove commitment and to help you feel safe (if applicable)

What you are reading above may be outlandish or even seem incredible to you. I promise you there are individuals who have treated their partners abusively who have risen from their narcissistic actions to become the men and women I am describing above.

And quite frankly their partners after losing trust and having their hearts smashed should know that it is only with these types of actions that you can be safe to trust this person again. Also nothing less than full accountability, real boundaries and compliance with these boundaries is going to ensure the narcissistic behaviour does not happen again.

And you should never engage again unless you do receive this level of authentic sincerity.

These traits (all of them are necessary), are the only way you will know that your partner in fact does not have NPD.

 

Narcissistic Supply or Genuine Remorse and Rebuild?

We all know narcissists often don’t like letting go. We all know they can say exactly what we want to hear, cry, plead and promise the world.

Narcissists love “hoovering” (sucking you back in to the relationship in order to get narcissistic supply); in fact, it is one of their most practiced and perfected games. The intent behind the “I love you, I can’t live without you” is not the accountability to transform into a loving, safe, healthy partner – the intent is to get you back into the narcissistic malicious web. In such cases it is nothing to do with “love;” it is all about feeding the narcissist’s insatiable ego.

You see it is an enormous insult to a narcissist for a previous partner to move on and create a life without them ….

 

Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse

 1. DON’T take this person on their word immediately

Tell him or her “I still love you” (if that’s how you feel), but state firmly “I can’t trust you, and I would never consider this relationship again unless I could.”

Now you have thrown down the challenge. If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they have to prove they can be trusted.

2. DON’T grant this person a chance until they “crack” and hit “rock bottom”

Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff on to you. Narcissistic behaviours are created from fear and ego, and egos are powerful. They need to crack open with pain in order to be addressed and healed, otherwise the show of “love” and “remorse” will only be a band-aid that will not hold.

3. DON’T accept any suspected narcissist who is not committed to ongoing therapy and personal development

Decent people (who can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly), who accept that their behaviour is defective, and that their life is not working for themself and others, want to fix their issues. Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and not committed to granting you safety and trust.

4. TEST the accountability and remorse

People who have hurt you are never safe unless they can provide genuine accountability and remorse. Those who can’t are absolute repeat offenders waiting to happen – guaranteed. If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.

Projections, blame throwing and excuses are not acceptable – even if spasmodic. They either accept what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.

5. KNOW the difference between it being “about you” or being “about them”

If you have been abused it is time to be “entitled.” You are learning that, in order to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love and support, you have to be it and live it. Watch the suspected narcissist at his or her version of rebuild. Believe me it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if considering taking this person back.

Is this person consistently caring about you? Do they state things like “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. I want you to talk it out and feel safe?”

Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants, that the demands, aggression, projections, blame throwing “poor me” and guilt trips start again.

6. TRUST how it feels

As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away, go back to no contact and hold your powerful personal boundaries.

Remember – Narcissistic abuse is not your reality ….

 

The Million Dollar Question

Now I hope you realise the question really isn’t “Does he or she really have NPD?” The questions really is: “Is this person going to really step up and become a healthy, safe partner?”

The truth is you will never know the answer to that question until it does or doesn’t happen. If you don’t see this happening – your answer is “No.” If it hasn’t and isn’t happening right here / right now – then the answer is “No” unless it ever does happen, and then the answer may change.

In the meantime you are living your life in truth and alignment …. Seek out people and a life that is in alignment to truth, integrity, love and support, and accept NO LESS.

We can’t create that reality any other way.

Certainly you never will create a healthy, safe love reality by accepting someone in your life who is abusing you without them performing the above necessary criteria.

Ifyour situation is not about the possibility of getting back together with a narcissist, but more about presently being with a narcissist who you wish could change – leave him or her, set the parameters and find out of this person is real, if the love is real, or whether it was a NPD relationship.

Be very, very clear that you deserve nothing less than real love and truth and hence why the boundaries I have described are crucial, absolute and completely necessary.

People who reunite with narcissists without establishing and sticking to boundaries, always run a large risk of stepping back into even worse abuse than they originally walked away from ….

This is another one of those life and death – make or break deals … totally.

Know that if you do accept abusers in your life without them proving their integrity and safety you are abusing yourself.

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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74 Thoughts on Is He or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries and Accountability
  • Kate
    March 15, 2012

    Hi Melanie,

    I just want to absolutely affirm the truth of your words regarding testing the honesty and integrity of a genuine NPD person.I didn’t realise it at the time but I allowed my ex N back into the home without his admitting any real wrongdoing (he was involved with another woman)and wrongly assumed that he was recommitting to our relationship. He used our children as pawns by talking about returning for weeks before he did. The first night he was back when the subject of the other woman came up he said “you can’t tell me what to do”. I knew then I had made a huge mistake and it took another year to make him leave through the courts and in the meantime the abuse became horrific–much worse that previously.
    We all paid a big cost and the fallout continues with my adult children.(Particularly for one of them).
    I can’t believe that I actually allowed it; the whole concept is totally foreign to me now, I’m happy to say.
    Yes, I agree, no woman should settle for anything less than what you have mentioned.
    A true N will do whatever it takes to get what they want and they do leave an absolute trail of devastation,

    Keep up your efforts to inform and heal.

    Love Kate x

    P.S. Good move getting out of Melbourne! I live near Ballarat & can’t go back to the city. And congrats on finding a man you obviously deserve!

    • Rachel
      February 5, 2013

      I am swollen with grief pain and sadness and do not know if i will ever heal but am hopeful. He got his PhD as i worked, drained me financiall told friend i was a whore when he graduated, left me for the dead. it was the horrible thing i never expected in this life. am wounded.

      • Kris
        March 20, 2013

        Rachel I know how you feel. There are no words for the pain. I am there now. Know you are not alone.

      • Julie
        March 28, 2013

        Rachel, after reading your post, I feel tears welling up in my eyes because I know how you feel. I’ve lain in bed sometimes a week at a time while just getting up for a little food and to go to the bathroom after my many breakups. The pain is immense…but it will pass. I am feeling it passing after this dark period of time.

  • Andrea Moriah
    March 15, 2012

    Just chiming in my support and agreement with Melanie, who seems to be always exactly on target. I’ve divorced my N; he’s now busy destroying some other woman’s family – complaining all the while to our daughter how the woman’s daughters are not giving him his due respect. Thankfully, my children, who went through a hell of a time reconciling all their feelings during the divorce about their father, me and each other, are back in an environment of mutual respect – we have weathered the storm. It can be done! A happy life and family (without the N) can be had!

  • Bruce Deyarmond
    March 15, 2012

    I have had no contact with my ex until recently when we crossed paths, I was happy to see her and felt an excitement/anxiety and prayed for guidance. I did make an amends for the anger I felt when she broke it off, trust me it was for me not her. In my thoughts I saw being friends, but quickly realized this was not possible. Then I read this post and knew that it was just the information I needed to never have contact again. Thank you soooo much!
    Bruce

  • debi
    March 15, 2012

    Shockingly, I have been married to a N for 32 years. We separated several times but for years I was totally dependent on him and he was getting all his cash flow from his parents and we had 4 small children. Anyway, I finally started breaking away 20 years ago- I went to college, got a degree and got a job, but since I had small children I chose to be a teacher and I never had enough money to divorce. We’ve been separated for 2 years now and I am much happier, but I have many more bills than he does and most of them are because of things he convinced me to do when we were together. He won’t agree to a divorce and every attorney I have talked to suggest I wait it out until he meets someone else and then he will want the divorce. They say he will be fairer to me because the divorce will be his idea and he will need to get out of the marriage fast to keep the relationship with the new woman. He’s beginning to threaten that now, but the whole time he says he wants to reconcile with me. It is still all about him after all these years. Hoping he will meet someone else soon and I can finally severe ties with him. This article is exactly what I needed today.

  • Lori
    March 16, 2012

    I guess I’m a slow learner. Your blogs and radio shows have really helped me. I discovered about a year ago that I’m a co-dependent. I have been trying to work on this since. I give far to many chances to addicts and narcisissts (sometimes they are both in one). I am setting new boundaries. It is not all that comfortable, but the stress reduction thus far feels a whole lot better than being a ping pong ball being tossed in every which direction. They are masters of pulling a “flim-flam” and make you think it’s “Your Fault”, or playing games to make you feel that you are “Over Reacting”. If your gut feels that it’s wrong, than it is. Empty promises no longer need to apply to my life if I remove the source. I hate change, but I’m finding it’s far better than being someones puppet. What is sad is that my heart is so trusting, and I was raised to “say what you mean, mean what you say”; so when an addict/narcissist starts telling me what I want to hear, I believe them. I hate knowing that I cannot trust what someone says, as it goes against my DNA. So now, I plow through life with an untrusting eye. This will certainly work against me one day if I’m trying to attract truthfully good partners. I get mad sometimes they left me damaged, while they go off whistling dixie. These people are poisonous, and use us. I feel like a host to a vampire to inflate their ego. At one time, I would lovingly boost them up, and cheer with every success they had. It makes one feel used and like a fool once that wears off. I hope I can trust again.

    • Suzanne
      June 1, 2013

      Lori, I felt a lot like you in that I felt I would have to surrender my nature forevermore to avoid being abused again. That thought kept me angry and was turning me antisocial and bitter. What I now realize is that feeling was a stage in ending my codependcy, not the final destination. I feel myself becoming so open and loving towards my fellow man while at the same time my radar for users and abusers has never been more finely attuned. Nor has my radar ever been so respected by me. The feeling that they have robbed you of your good parts will begin to fade the second you truly detach. And what grows back is so exciting and better than ever. Best of wishes to you on your journey.

      • megyn
        November 23, 2013

        Suzanne thank you for your reply to Lori, my story is much the same as hers, and I truly don’t want to give up my innate tendency to see the good in all people and basic belief that I can trust that they are good. al anon and.codependency recovery are helping me with setting boundaries and this work.is.getting me back to truly loving and trusting myself. I can see now.where.I ignored red.flags. I look forward.to being able to just know now that my my radar is on point and that not everyone deserves my big heart.

  • No more self denial.
    March 16, 2012

    This blogpost comes right in time; I rent a flat and feel bad about the owner, that lives upstairs and show what for me is experienced as negative treats, for example like critizising many of the previous people that rented the flat, showing distrust, being rude, ringing the dorbell when it suits him… and I did notice that feeling in the very beginning but anyway I signed that contract (!)… and have for moths tried to deny that ugly feeling I always have IN MY HOME; where I mostly isolate while working through the first reprogramming of my own patterns, and should feel comfotable and safe. Of course I attracted such a dismatch when I just had managed at leat physically world speaking breaking loose from my previous less positive relations to start focusing on myself and be free of that type behavior around me.
    Now I shall follow my emotion and common sense and find myself a nice and safe place to live! Because I deserve it. :o) Thank you for the support! I LOVE being when I allow myself DOING. :)

  • Unbearable
    March 16, 2012

    I’m in a 3.5 year relationship with an N. he cheated (for a couple of years we were together and said he was just going through a bad time) and has apologized and “acted” better for the last year. But sometimes the mask falls and the old, manipulative, Non-empathic guy shows through. He acts like I should be grateful he’s treated me like he should for the past year and I should forget everything from before. He hates it when I show any attention to anyone else and devalues them. I also work with him so that is an extra challenge when I have to focus on someone at work and their issues. His actions are causing me to fall out of love with him. I’m still struggling to let to because I don’t want to hurt him and I know he will beg for us to get back together and that’s hard for me to resist. I am in a mess!

  • Almost there
    March 16, 2012

    Hi Melanie,

    It’s kind of creepy that you seem to have read all my emails, bugged my home and my phone and intercepted all my text messages :) …however the commonality between what you write and my experience of the Narcissist suggests I’m on the right path now, and that the information you provide is spot-on. The first time I found your website I was gobsmacked, it was as if the sun had come out and the clouds of hurt, anger, bewilderment and self-doubt started to evaporate. I even reached the point of realising WHY I was still in this relationship before I got to the part where YOU say that we need to work out WHY in order to protect ourselves from repeating past mistakes, and to heal.

    Once again, your blog is very timely. In the section headed “What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?”, a couple of those points were definitely missing from my experience of that stage (just the last several months in real time), so once again you have cleared up some niggling doubts for me.

    The one I got was a pathological liar. I found that out one morning when I awoke thinking “this abuse has GOT to stop” and I committed the ‘unforgivable sin’ of phoning the ex-wife to ask her how she ever made it to the altar, let alone survived 10 years of marriage. I cannot explain how I felt absolutely compelled to make this call (and the sense of dread that went with it) even though I did not think it was a ‘nice’ thing to do. The lies that were subsequently revealed were beyond comprehension, the detail and depth and breadth of them, completely astounding. I was not just doing myself a favour, there was also the NOT-ex-wife being lied to and taken advantage of, financially and emotionally. And yet I was accused of being vindictive – logic saved me from guilt and from some degree of further manipulation – in my mind the other relationship was completely dead and buried so I couldn’t expect a punitive outcome from my action, as it was based on incorrect inforamtion.

    Anyhow, despite the begging, apolgising, grovelling and countless promises to make things right etc, that went on after the big reveal, I still felt something was not quite right. And I found out (surprise, surprise!) that the lies were ongoing.

    Anyhow I’m currently trying the ‘no contact’ and trying to just work through the feelings that arise when I get the cajoling, threatening, pleading, petulant, insulting, abusive, blah blah blah… attempts to re-initiate contact. It gets easier to deal with every day :) All I have to do is remember that at no time was I ever dealing with a genuine person. He was fake all the way through to the core.

    Thank you for helping me to stop years of abuse.

  • Linda Norrish
    March 16, 2012

    Wow. Your site is amazing. A real eye opener. Been with my N for 6 long painful years
    Have tried to get out but keeps pulling me back in
    Unfortunately tied by properties and if we weren’t I’m sure I’d have left by now
    God give me strength to keep going till I can leave

    • Sally
      October 28, 2012

      Hi Linda – i was so sorry to read your short message but wanted to urge you to leave as soon as you can if not sooner. Im no expert apart from having spent the last 8 years with a Narc but I was very lucky to have ended up with a house and a car but he spent the last 6 months trying to persuade me to sell my car because ‘it used too much fuel’, ‘we could save money if we sold it and brought a smaller car/a van (for him), a quad bike (for him)’, ‘we could have a holiday and some money in the bank’ it went on and on. I stuck to my guns and said ‘No!’ and gave him my reason which was that its my safety net if he threatened to leave or left (which he had many times) i would have something i could sell to keep myself going. I have ME which id controlled for the 12 years before i met him to such an extent that no one would have known – i relapsed chronically 2 years ago due to stress caused by him and have been in recovery for the last year and since hes gone that has speeded up noticceably even in just 2 weeks. He owes me 23 thousand pounds which i am going to fight for but with very little chance of getting back. I fear that he married me to take the rest of my belongings – luckily i got out.

      What im trying to say is that if you stay you will probably end up with nothing anyway and leaving now while you still have some strength to fight him you will almost surely end up with a LOT more than you will if you stay for another couple of years – financially, emotionally and physically.

      Much love to you and i hope that things sort out in the best way possible for you. x

  • H
    March 16, 2012

    I have been ‘with’ my N for 4 years now and they have been the most painful of my life. That is something, considering my life has not been easy. When he met me, I believed I was the love of his life – he still writes that on my gift cards. It used to thrill me now just makes me sick. I don’t think he could actually say these words to my face! Anyhow, all I can add is that I am astounded by the depth of deceit. He cheated with several women, was physically and emotionally abusive, opportunistic, and just has no idea about genuine love, care and concern for people. He thinks everyone is stupid. He cannot be wrong. Nothing makes sense to me. The last straw was my 40th birthday. We had a joint party, but he would not show me who he had invited. He sent different invitations, depending on his relationship with his invitees. I have no idea what some of them received, but I am sure many thought it was just his birthday. He even got his son to write ‘happy 40th Dad,’ and put his photos up everywhere…he had some up of me and him when I left his home to get ready on the day. When I arrived back, these had been subtlely exchanged for photos of his woman ‘friend.” On my actual birthday, he had been with another woman that morning and took me out at my request with his son who he allows to disrespect me at every opportunity. And there was no present, yet he bought his ‘friends’ $100 gift vouchers when we went to their parties. I mean, this is just one thing…there are so many incidents I could report, but I would be here all 2012… so I won’t carry on. Nice to vent all the same. I will leave this and be better. But it will take a long time, I can assure you. I am receiving help with this. Best of luck and love to All who have gone through similar situations xo

  • Marilyn Childs
    March 17, 2012

    For 45 years I struggled in my marriage and was convinced I was the one who had the problem. I spent hours, months and years trying to accept who he was. Most of time trying to make my self rationalize his actions were from being an only child of a domineering step mother who never accepted me.

    When he left me I was crushed and was sure I could not survive. My daughter found me a therapist and the first session it was like someone had slapped me in the face and I was awake for the first time. I saw things I had never seen (well seen but never understood) and all of sudden saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still in therapy weekly and am growing stronger and more self confident every day.

    I stumbled on to your cite searching the enternet. My first thought was ‘this woman has been sitting on my couch for 45 years. The ‘No Contact’ article was my real eye opener. I am applying this to my life everyday.

    Even my therapist agreed with everything you wrote.

    Giving a name to my, soon to be ex’s, issues have brought me and inner peace and acceptance. I have a long way to go, but I am going to be fine. I am excited about the life I have in front of me. Even though I am 65 years old I still have a lot of living to do.

    Thank you for your articles! You with my therapist, my friends and my children have literally saved my life and my soul!

  • Day at a time in recovery
    March 19, 2012

    Hi Melanie, I know there is no chance for reconciling with my ex N after reading your article, as he has never taken responsibility for his actions, saying it was both of us or blaming where we were living causing us problems or whatever else he could use as to the reasons it didn’t work out. He sent me an email tonight after some time of not hearing from him, telling me he longs to see me again, hold my hand, just be with me, then tells me about what he has been doing, hiw he is not well (there is always something wrong with him), asks me how I am but continues with making it all about him. For eg; how are you?-I have had some terrible moments since our parting, blah blah and says how broke he is, but manages to spend hundreds of dollars on his collecting obsession. I still have some work to do on myself, but at least know now that we will not be getting back together, so that has set me free. He lives with the illusion we are still together and can’t let go. I just want him to be happy as I do care. I wish he could feel the same and let me go in his mind. The article has helped me to keep moving on putting my energy into my own life, thanks Melanie. J

  • Mary
    May 11, 2012

    Your “no contact’ ebook link is broken…I was unable to download the ebook.

    Could you please email directly to me?

    Thank you,
    Mary

  • Gina
    May 14, 2012

    I needed this support and guidance right now. As I matured in my early twenties and sought my own healing, I learned that my Father was a Narc. No wonder why he didn’t take one bit of responsibility and the problem wasn’t me, it was the abuse emotionally, physically and mentally. He had me caught in the web, but with the resources I used to find my truth, I had cut ties with him, it was the only way I would be healthy. I seen how he used people as pawns to try to get me to be his supply again and again. It’s sad how he uses my Brother to try to get me back. I laugh out loud now because he is powerless over me and I shake my head because he has nothing to offer but anger and evil motivations. It’s been about 5 years since I have spoke with him. He had instant messaged me last night, I didn’t know it was him. When I discovered it was, I told him the reason why we aren’t speaking is because he is an abuser and I am not going to tolerate it, then he writes back “you are living in the past”… and then I wrote back “this conversation is over” and clicked off the screen. I understand he is a sick person. I’m trying to be the most loving person I can grow to be, to learn and heal from this.

  • Andrew
    May 18, 2012

    For some reason I feel the desperate need to remind post writers, that this ‘N’ phenomina is NOT mostly a male thing – it relates to ‘both’ sexes. My first marriage was to a ‘N’ -of whom changed overnight from the wedding day onwards. I simply cannot recall the awakening of this phenomina after one year, or was it two or three….who knows! I remarried eight years later to an amazing a beautiful woman who can only be described as the TOTAL OPPOSITE. In order for me to go through with my new marriage, I personally believed it was important to go through the ‘forgiveness’ thing with the ex-’N’. This was an experience in itself, all one-sided, still NO remorse, no acceptance of personal wrongs, no taking responsibility for one’s OWN part of the dysfunctional relationship. I was almost gobsmacked with the attitude that: “All the pain, hurt, anguish was all inflicted upon her…..and she would simply take no responsibility for any part of the hurts in the relationship.” So, as you can imagine my surprise (even after 8 years had passed) there was no remorse displays, no apology, no responsibility taken WHATSOEVER! OMG, I was taken-a-back…drove home deeply saddened and simply glad it was all over.

    Interesting to Note: The axiety levels were through the roof when encountering the Ex-’N’ again (even a after 8 years) this in itself, is a fascinating phemonima!!!

    Personally, now I believe that sociopaths and psychopaths are all on this same continuum as are ‘N’. I believe it is a sliding scale….and they all live on it ‘daily’ for only one reason Narcissistic Supply. To FEED of other human beings…!

    Love your work – you are awesome!

  • granger
    May 26, 2012

    Near the “surprise” end of our relationship my boyfriend confided he was bipolar. I had just called him out on this push/pull thing he does with me every couple of weeks and told him this behavior hurts me, we need to find out why he does it and fix it. I always thought I was very good at communication and working things out. I was very matter of fact, calm and very willing to hear his suggestions on how to make this a win/win situation. When he told me he was bipolar I was not necessarily shocked that he was bipolar but shocked that he hadn’t told me sooner. Apparently he’d been working on this with his ex girlfriend before me. He said he was going to get some therapy and supposedly went to a therapist a week or so after this conversation, just before Christmas. After the appointment, he told me the therapist told him he was not bipolar but depressed with narcissistic tendencies. My boyfriend also said he was going to continue to go to therapy until he stopped “treating people like s***.”
    He broke up with me 10 days later. He wanted to go motorcycle riding through the mountains New Years weekend. I was getting a bad cold and did not want to spend three days on the back of a motorcycle riding through the mountains coughing my brains out. I told him to go with out me and he went with some friends. For two days he refused my calls, texts etc. Finally when I sent a text telling him I loved him he responded. He said we’d talk when he got home. He’d been asking me for months if I loved him and I would tell him it was too soon, even making suggestions about us getting married someday. I had no idea he would react like this. He told me he was sorry, turns out he was not ready for a relationship, didn’t mean to hurt me, could we please stay friends….I was devastated as anyone on this site knows. I still have trouble eating, sleeping, maintaining focus etc. A friend stayed with me at first and said I would cry in my sleep and call out his name. The pain is just unbearable at times. I have never in my life ever been like this before. I am always the cheerleader, the happy one, the good friend every one comes to for love, help, advice or just a shoulder.
    Now for the past 5 months I have been living a life I no longer recognize. In that time we’ve gone out as friends to dinner a few times, to the theater but just a few weeks ago he really turned on the charm. Acting like he wanted me back in his life. Playing this Tim McGraw song “Better that I used to Be” saying it made him think of me and that it made him cry.

    His mom has cancer and I know (well I think) that it hurts him as she is now stage 4. He used that on me as well. He asked me to stay so he wouldn’t have to be alone that night. I did but only as a friend. He was expecting sex but I wasn’t going there.

    The next day I left, he sent me a silly text later that afternoon then he went silent. His mom had some appointments with specialists that week he was taking her to. I didn’t push him thinking he was trying to get a hold of his emotions. Turns out, he was getting a hold of his ex and at least one other girl. Within a week of his so called “better than I used to be” stint with me he was back with his ex before me. And not just back, but engaged. This has all happened in the past 5 weeks.

    I am in therapy and working my way back to the right side of the looking glass but there are days when I wake up in the morning in tears sobbing that I survived the night and have to go on another day. I have moments where I think I see things clearly, but just moments. I am unable to hang on to it permanently. I still wonder what would have happened if the song had worked on me?
    I know everyone here is going to say “how lucky” I am that it was not me that he is marrying. Or that he really does love his ex and would have just dumped me anyways. At least that has been the consensus among friends and family thus far. I really want to get back to my “normal” as I fear my depression over this is starting to really wear thin with friends. I hear everyone’s advice and I am trying really I am to see this as a learning experience and move on. How do you know if you need more help like prozac or something? Has anyone tried that and had any luck?

    • Jules
      November 24, 2012

      Hi Granger:
      I can relate to your story with my N boyfriend of 3 years. I really understand the depression, and it wearing thin on your friends, and wanting your life to go back to normal. How are you doing now that some time has passed?

  • Jude
    July 14, 2012

    I was with my husband since I was 16 years old and I was totally blind to his NPD until January of this year. He broke my heart and I thought I would die. I couldn’t believe the lies, deceit and absolute betrayal and he shows a total lack of accountability or empathy for me as his wife. I now know he is a pathological liar and a serial sex addict. He dishonoured the covenants of our marriage in every possible way and he almost destroyed me. He is the master of deceit and I still can’t believe this is the man I have been with for the past 27 years… During my time of absolute despair and heartbreak I found God (Father, Son & Holy Spirit). I know this might sound corny, but let me tell you He has saved my life. He has healed me from the inside out and given me the strength and confidence to deal with this tragic situation and feel whole again. No drugs, no drink, 6 sessions at the psychologist and she is amazed and doesn’t need to see me again. I promise you, trust in God and He will heal you from this heartbreaking situation. I have been saved, I know you will be too, if you believe.

  • Keenan
    August 17, 2012

    Is is hard to believe that these stories are so very similar and each location, life is so different except for the N I dream of my ex always, can’t get him out of my head. Know it is all over after 9.5 years, there are moments of great relief and moments of dispair. I am glad I kept years of emails and insanity to remind myself that it really was true and I am Sane!! The stunts, lies and craziness are like they have scripts for a play. How,can that be?? The support from you other women is so helpful on my road to recovery and reality. It is scary to see where we have all been. Can it be the same guy!!lol

  • click here
    August 31, 2012

    It’s impressive that you are getting ideas from this article as well as from our discussion made here.

  • Kate
    September 13, 2012

    What a great resource . Thankyou for taking the tome to share your knowledge and experience!
    I went through the charade of a marriage to an N only to discover six months later that he had been having an affair with another woman even before he met me! In my logical mind I cannot understand why a person would bother getting married , spending all that money etc when it needn’t have happened . His words never really were backed up by his actions and he often acted suspiciously . My guy feeling was that something was going on. But he was a really clever man and an excellent blatant liar , even swearing on his dead daughters grave on one occasion!
    Eventually the other woman rang me . At one stage he took me out for dinner held my hand and declared he wanted to reconcile . The next night I went to his place and found him with that same woman on the couch !
    He cannot be healed, he is one unworthy individual. When I left I took his wedding ring and am now wearing it as a symbol of regaining my power back . No matter how charming or cajoling he becomes he will never get to wear it again . I feel strong and sane , I know I am much better than him.

  • Susan
    September 20, 2012

    I can’t even begin to thank you enough for everything you have written and made available to me and every other person who has suffered abuse from an N. I spent 10 years with one. I believed, yes, just as you said …he was my soul mate. I look back now and see I was happy in the beginning because he had everything his way…I always gave in. I have had to accept that the “man” I loved only existed in my head….and the N I lived with would never be that man…and he showed me over and over…I just didn’t want to see it. His words have NEVER matched his actions. He is trying now to pull me back…but this time…I”m in intensive therapy and I have my eyes wide open and I finally see him for who he really is. It’s kind of sad…he is totally alone…he has always driven away anyone who cared about him. He has no family, no friends and he says over and over to me…”you’re the love of my life and the only person who has given me any semblance of family.” Wow…sounds great, if only he treated me like I was the love of his life…his words are empty and have no meaning to me anymore. I wouldn’t trust him any further than I could throw him.
    Thank you Melanie….for helping me see why was stuck for 10 years. I’m getting free…I haven’t been happy in so long I have forgotten what it feels like. But I’m getting better every day….I’ll get there!

  • Stef
    October 2, 2012

    How do you get out of a marriage with an extremely clever N. husband and children?
    This is my question as I have 2 children and can’t seem to get out of this controlling abusive destructive relationship. I get threat after threat and I am scared especially for my children. I am totally isolated as my family is on another continent. I just want him to go away and be happy doing whatever he wants to do. He is antisocial and won’t leave even though I have told him I don’t trust him. I stopped working when we had kids and we moved for his work. Now I am going through hell and would like to regain a feeling of peace. I don’t think I will be happy for a long time unless I never speak to him. But with children, we’ll always have to speak to each other and he is using them to control me. Any suggestions welcome.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    October 2, 2012

    Hi Stef,

    thank you for your post.

    The behaviour you are describing is typical narcissism – and the bullying, control and the fear they instil.

    In order to break away, stay away and create boundaries, truly we need to heal and empower ourselves past the ‘charges’ of fear and all other hooks that keep us handing our power over to narcissists.

    When we do this inner work, this occurs and we do get clear and straight and we discover how powerless the narcissist becomes when we no longer hand over narcissist supply and play into their hand.

    Many of my articles are about this process, so please read, read, read and read!

    Ultimately my Healing Program – NARP – works directly at you Inner Self level to release the fear and empower yourself in order to claim your life – free of the narcissist.

    You can see details of this Program here:

    http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

    I hope this helps.

    Mel xo

  • Sally
    October 5, 2012

    I’m 53 and I am building up the courage to leave for the 3rd and final time – he has ‘ended it’ 20 times or so in the past year and actually had all his things packed at least 3 times then changed his mind at the last minute – usually (seemingly) due to my undignified crying and begging whilst telling him it was all my fault and I could see what I was doing wrong (and I could … how crazy is that??)with him telling me he was going to give me one more chance and that he loved me and didn’t really want to leave. The last time I finished the relationship I thought I’d done it for good after 7 really painful up and down years of lies and occasional unfaithfulness. I’d even met someone else who was very supportive about the split and was keeping me strong. I still felt immense pain every now and then when I thought about the (I’m using the word ‘the’ rather than ‘my’ because I don’t want to give him that energy) ex N but was maintaining no contact as id found that in the past that was the only way I could deal with separation from him. I noticed that each time we split even though the promises got bigger and bigger the relationship had regressed rather than progressed and I was getting less and less from him while giving more and more of myself. 3 months after the last split I picked up the phone one night after having a few glasses of wine with my new boyfriend – I always check the last 3 digits of the phone number and I thought it was my son or I wouldn’t have picked it up as the ex N had starting trying to get my attention via email in the week or so before – stupidly id eventually replied but very coldly and matter of factly. As soon as I heard the ex N’s voice I began to melt. I really did put up a good fight but after 2 months of promises and him starting therapy and doing EVERY SINGLE thing on the list above to prove to me he was worth having back I gave in and married him. He hasn’t been unfaithful and I’m not concerned about that. Somehow the pain he caused himself (I ended it because I found out about 2 more women … one he’d slept with and one he was ‘courting’) had made him vow to himself, and for himself only (which I believe is the only reason he made the vow – not because of the pain he caused me or them – just himself because he ended up hurt/out of control of the situation because of it) that he’d never be unfaithful again and he hasn’t. However, it took 3 weeks for him to slip back to his old ways and end the marriage (for the first time) in a few seconds of temper. He threw his wedding ring at me and told me it was over. I was stunned as we’d just had the 3 happiest weeks together we’d ever had – no rows, no cross, words nothing – I don’t even remember what it was I said that set him off but it wasn’t anything that a normal person would have even noticed as I was totally shocked and couldn’t understand how he could have got what I said so very wrong. I think it might have been that he got fed up with me needing reassurance – I might have asked a question but he’d told me that I could ask for as much as I wanted and that if it took me a year to trust him and feel confident then that was fine. It’s almost as if he can’t act out by being unfaithful any more so he gets rid of the frustration he feels by using he anger against me now instead of sleeping around or having flirtations – it always seemed to me that he was doing it for an ego boost rather than the sex and that the sex was incidental and usually only if they made it impossible not to do – kind of so he could blame them rather than himself …. ‘ it wasn’t my fault they made me’. Quite often it was only a text relationship and meeting for coffee and he’d end it when they became demanding of his attention rather than him initiating contact via text – if they suggested meeting up rather than him for example or if they said Hi then text a couple more times if he didn’t reply straight away. I wonder if that’s normal for N’s?

    Since he ended the marriage for the first time it’s gone massively down hill – he beat me one night when he was drunk causing a detached retina and black floating spots in my eye, that I will have forever, and has now started to break belongings of mine that he knows are precious to me when he is in a rage with me.

    I know I have to get out – I’m starting therapy on the 17th October and I’m praying for strength from this. I can’t end it without the therapy being in place because I’m too scared that I would give in and have him back. This may sound overly dramatic to anyone who hasn’t lived this progressively worsening nightmare relationship (it’s got noticeably worse for me every time I’ve gone back – it’s as if we take a step back every time instead of forwards as promised) but I really do know deep down that if I end this before I’m strong enough to say ‘NO’ to getting back together and gave in and had him back again he would literally end up killing me. I think he would go willingly at the moment but in 2 weeks or a month he would want me back and all the promises and apologies would start again. I’m really really scared. This is the first time I’ve admitted all this to someone else although it was a friend who gave me this website address.

    I was a healthy, gym fit, high earning, confident, happy, outgoing woman when I met him and wouldn’t take any nonsense from any man and never have. I didn’t believe in soul mates until I met him. I was diagnosed with ME just over 2 years ago and do not recognise myself – nor do my friends. In fact friends of 40 years haven’t recognised my behaviour and the devastation he causes me right from the start. I’ve just started using a debt management charity who are helping me sort out my debts. He owes me £23k which I’m never going to see – he only ever paid me back any money when he was trying to get back with me and at all other times says I gave him the money – he’s also done this to 3 of his friends for 10k, 4k and 3k. I’m very lucky I started off so strong because I’ve managed to keep my house and my car through sheer will power.

    Thank you Melanie – I’m going to keep reading your articles and if/when I get my finances in order I would really like to buy your book and do your course for me but also to give you back something. x

    • Jac
      October 19, 2012

      Sally, NARP is cheaper than two counselling sessions and the results (from personal experience)and testimonials from others is very fast in some cases, breaking the cycle after only a couple to 3 sessions. It gets down into our body ‘cells’ and shifts out the pain, never to return. I am a tough cookie to heal and it is working miracles with me. Have a read of what it does and Melanie is living proof that it works. x

  • Mimi
    October 8, 2012

    Thank you. Your words of wisdom are exactly what I needed at this difficult time.

  • Sally
    October 15, 2012

    Update: He packed all his things and took the majority of them last night. At 3pm today he collects the rest but hes already started to text asking if i know how to reset his email account as he can send but not receive. I text back its not my responsibility. I intend to change all my numbers, all the locks, maintain no contact after his last belonging is gone today. Im really really sad but at long last realise that the good behaviour only lasts a few weeks or days and that its just pretend. The better behaved he is the worse or more unexpected the fall out is and ive come to the end of my supply of patience. I start counselling on Wednesday and i need all the strength i can get to stop me from caving in again. I dont think i will and this time i have the lightening flashes from a detached retina and the black cloud floating across my vision to remind me how dangerous it is to go back. Thank God for Melanie and this website and please God give me strength.

    • Jac
      October 19, 2012

      Hi Sally, thought I would say hi too and I see that you have started counselling. It is good to talk about stuff, but a counsellor will continually get you to talk and talk, so much that from personal experience and from what Melanie has explained..talking about it over and over does not change anything, only giving you temporary relief. It also creates the addiction to the narc abuse more intense and leaves us more powerless. There are two 3 videos Mel has made and they are on this site under the articles. These will explain what is happening on a cellular level ‘peptide addiction’ and the fastest way I found to recover is with the QFH sessions, and with NARP Programme. Read about ‘NO CONTACT’ too and if you want your power back, strength and to be able to heal, try the programme. It is very affordable. If you are happy to try the counselling, make sure it is with someone who is an expert or has been through Narc abuse or they will have no idea how to help you. My counsellor after 3 sessions only drained my energy more and left me more powerless, as all I did was talk and talk about the abuse, what happened and there was nothing to help me break the cycle of addiction to the Narc. Best of luck to you and let us know how you are too. We are all there for each other. x

      • Sally
        October 27, 2012

        Hi Jac Thank you for taking the time to reply its very thoughtful and much appreciated. My counsellor is great so far (and free on the NHS). She talked through reporting physical abuse and damage to my eye to the police and today i made a statement to them and its highly likely that he will be prosecuted. Its made a huge difference to my state of mind. I feel like i have control of my life for the first time in years. Im shocked that much of what he was doing i had started to think was normal and ok – my sense of perspective was completley askew. Its still a bit off balance but every day im having new realisations and insights and every time i do i feel stronger. I always tried my version of contact before but he always found a way through. In hindsight i think its because i took my eye off the ball and thought he was over me. I now realise that that was never going to happen while i was protecting him and thinking the best of him. Now, by showing him my actions (reporting his crime to the police and by actually realising it was a crime) he will know that he cant touch me again. After he left and after spending 3 days ‘shouting’ at me whilst collecting possessions, and via text and email he came up behind me in a Supermarket and stroked my bottom and acted like i was his best friend and we were still together. His words were ‘Hello darling how are you doing? I didnt want to just appear in front of you and frighten you.’ Then he told me hed left something in the house he needed and was half way through offereing to come and get it when i told him id give it to his friend. My old reaction to that would have been ‘oh he still loves me’, id have melted and wanted him to come round to get it and it would all have started over again. My new reaction was ‘oh my God thats not right’ and i felt as if id been violated and very very vulnerable. I found it very threateneing that he thought it was ok to touch me there and that he probably has no boundaries at all.That REALLY scared me and thats what made my mind up that i needed to go to the police.

        The Domestic Violence unit have arranged for someone to come on Tuesday and change the locks and put alarms on my windows and a male friend of the ex and mine is moving in for a month or so as a deterent – he wouldnt dare do anything in front of him. Because the ex got so cocky in the end he actually showed his behaviour towards me to other people a couple of times in what i thought was a small way and wouldnt be noticed but miraculously they picked up on it, were shocked, blamed him and are now protecting me. Im overwhelmed by the support ive had and now from you too, a complete stranger but a new friend i hope.

        Ive been reading everything i can on this site and a couple of days ago decided that as soon as i have the money (no more than 2 weeks i hope) i will download Melanies course. I promise you i will do this. The psychic stuff is really scary too – i felt all day yesterday he was missing me and today i had an email with a link in it for a quickie divorce. THis i guess is to make me miss him, regret splitting up and make me respond. I havent! If he really wants to do it hes welcome – i wouldnt have sent him a link id just have got on with it – which i also intended to do in 2 weeks when i have some spare money. At the moment im working my way through the store cupboard food wise but im even happy doing that coz its my food and i can eat what and when i like with no comments. Bliss!!! Freedom!!!! You sound so strong and switched on do you mind me asking when you left your relationship? x

  • sheree
    October 19, 2012

    I have a bit of a question….. Is it possible for a narcissist to have so completely emptied your energy and spun you around into confusion that you can become or retaliate in a narcissistic manner back (kind of like a wounded animal)…. even though thats not normal behaviour from you and its regretted instantly? and can a narcissist have you so hooked that you can feel sick or absolute dread even though you know they are at work and they say that they were feeling like that before you spoke to them kind of like an emotional intuitive thing? if that makes sense?

    • Jac
      October 19, 2012

      Hi Sheree, Just thought I would pop by and say Hi, as I was reading this article again. With your questions. 1. It is normal at times for us to act ‘narcissistically’ when we are being abused. We all carry some narc traits but the difference between us and them is ‘narcs cannot feel empathy’, They simply don’t have the brain wiring to possess it. It was arrested at a young age during their growth. The fact you ‘felt regret instantly’ just wouldn’t happen with a Narc. Their brains don’t function like a normal healthy person. The second Q is interesting, as after a fight, my ex (from his work) would somehow text or email me, saying he felt sad about what happened and sensed my sadness and pain, so sent me a message at the instant I started to really feel the pain. Mel can explain this energetic psychic phenomena that takes place. One way to explain it is, when you are healing and taking back your power usually after a QF session,(a must do, it is amazing) they pop up in a text, or email and it is like they knew you were feeling better. What they do on a psychic level is sense that somehow and want to ‘suck your energy for their supply’usually when they need a hit, like a drug addict needs a fix. They get out the hooks for you to give them what they need, supply. Take care and Mel can answer you better. I just wanted to say something as since working with NARP, I have a better understanding of what is happening within me, now and my focus is off the Narc. Jac x

    • Sally
      October 27, 2012

      Hi Sheree. I hope you are strong and well today. I copied a list of traits from the CODA website – http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm and ticked them all off for me then ticked for him in a different colour to see what the comparrison was. As i started to tick them off i was shocked to find that i had exhibited a lot of control traits and many in other sections (these are only when dealing with him though) but even more shocked to find that the compliancy section i scored 100% on. As humans we easily pick up habits (good and bad) that people you spend a lot of time with have – if someone does something to you and it works/upsets/hurts etc etc then its more than likely that you will subconsciously mirror the behaviour back to him. If you are a strong person to start off with you cant end your days bowing your head and doing what you were ordered and if thats not your nature then you are bound to try standing up to him in the way he does to you at some point – and it wouldnt be unusual for your behaviour to be narcisstic in flavour. When a freind first gave me a link to this site my heart dropped because for a few seconds i thought i was the narc and he was the abused party because i done so many of the things in the list. By a third of the way down i was relating any more but he still was. Stay strong and follow Jacs advice – its seems to be very caring and sound. xx

  • bek
    November 27, 2012

    boy oh boy,, after 16 years i think i finally worked out that i have been dealing with a N, i always knew there was something wrong with him, but was thinking some sort of bipolar, i was told by my mother to look up BPD which i did but i also found NPD and boy oh boy he ticks all the boxes,, he is a big scary man to so he gets away with it more.. he has chased away a lot of good friends,, and it doesnt matter where we live he ends up hating all the neighbours. Everybody else has the problem not him.. He is also a very selfish man, i have a tooth missing in the front and need dental work, however buying a new motorbike or a boat is more important. Well i think it may very well be over, we went away to family for this xmas, and traveled 2000km one day he had a problem with my mother whom is having chemo for ovarian cancer,, told her off for being grumpy and mean to him and her husband, walked out didnt come back for 24 hours then packed up his stuff and left,, a few days later i get a txt message asking for the password to the home internet,, (he had driven home 2000km away and left me here) then next thing i know i have been deleted and blocked from his facebook, he also deleted and blocked all my family and friends. i then get a txt saying “work out how to get ur stuff out of the house, then a txt “it can wait until after xmas… then total silence, 3 weeks to the day he rings me, trying to smooth me over, i told him to go see someone about his anger issues, to which he just laughed his head off and said i have a problem. I said that i just want to be friends for a while and go from there,, he was agreeable to that. then the next day i get txt saying he wants more than friends and that i have until friday (5 days time) to give him an answer or he will start packing my stuff and send it to where i want.. but the thing is i have to agree to, going fishing with him, and going on the back of his bike for rides as well as fulfill his sexual desires.. its tuesday and i still havnt responded, so anyway after reading everything about NPD and BPD he makes so much more sense now. but i have also realised i cant keep going on like this.. over the years family and friend have said how strong my mind is for dealing with him for so long. its only now that i am having a lot of anxiety, and i think that is due to being less tolerant to his behaviour, but not being able to say anything because he is so quick tempered and when he goes into a rage his eyes are blank and he is frothing and spitting from the mouth, and babbling, and bringing up things that happened 10 years ago etc. and he even gets to a point where he just starts smashing things… I really think I’m over it, i will try and tell him again to get help but i am not going back anytime soon. and will be following ur guidelines to stay strong,, thanks so much for the eye opener.. cheers Bek

  • Shell
    November 29, 2012

    I have never felt so in control since i found your website. Its just like if I had an ailment and went to the Doctor and he gave me a prognosis. I am able to let my N Husband go. Over the last few weeks I have been uncontrollably crying and ringing him wanting him to show his love to me. He is staying with a friend as 7 months ago i found out he had been having an affair for 16 months and i kicked him out. I desperately wanted him to show remorse and give me loving as he wants to reconcile with me (sent an email to me everyday saying he will be the very best husband, will be loveable and make it up to me blah blah) but once he was with me he could initiate the loving and has decided he does not have to prove anything to me and told me to leave him alone. nb: it was him that wanted to reconcile. When i learnt of his affair and told him to leave he continued contact with her and told me he never wants me back. So I moved on and met a lovely guy whom I liked but wasnt at the stage of falling in love again. As soon as he learnt that I had met someone, the emails started….”i love you and dont want to lose you” pls I will make it up to you” etc…. I gave in and let him into my life again only to find they were only words and his actions showed me otherwise. I got very sick of these games and I started reacting silly by ringing him and textng him why are you not letting me in his life…..he kept pushing me away. I stubbled across your website and it all made sense to me now. After reading loads from your site i was strong enough to tell him to file for a divorce. I stopped contact with him. Now the texts from him is starting up again……”I cant imagine life without You and I” blah blah blah. Even though i still love him I feel like something has dropped and I am beginning to control my feelings, actions and words. Thankyou heaps for this wonderful website!!!!

  • Anne
    December 9, 2012

    I am reading and re-reading your articles and blog, trying to get to the point of leaving my relationship and establising “no contact”, but I still have self doubt and questions of whether he is really a narcissist even though countless people including 2 counselors have stated he is a narcissist.
    We started a relationship over 4 years ago and he literally swept me off my feet, showering me with gifts, flowers and “I love yous” barely after we met. He had just ended ( he ex wife ended it actually) a 30 year marriage. I see in retrospect that he was rebounding with me, but at the time I was not aware because I have never been in a rebound relationship, and I myself always have taken a couple years of being on my own before considering another relationship.
    He was super kind, pushing me to “let go” and surrender to his love. I was hesitant and told him it was too soon and I needed time. By about 6 months I told him I had let go and I was surrendered. The very next day he called me and told me he was no longer infatuated with me. First of all I have never had anyone do that, not ever. I felt crushed. I was so confused and hurt. He had actually proposed to me a few months earlier in this elaborate way, with a poem about our circle of love and a ring and fancy dinner.
    He also is a genius, mensa smart. I get confused about him being a narcissist because he is opposite of some I read about in the regards to money. He is way wealthier than I am and he is actually very generous with me, but in a very controlled way. He does not allow me to have any cash. He gives to people on his terms. I have read that most narcissists are takers in this way, but mine is not, he is a giver but it is highly controlled and he holds me by strings. He has left me maybe 30 or more times in the past 4 years. I have never ever been through anything like this before. He is about 15 years older than I am. He is attractive and charming, even though he is in his mid 60s. I am in my late forties. He is is never “wrong”. He cannot admit making a mistake ever. He will leave me if I disagree with him sometimes, but lately he has been trying to pretend he is not narcissistic and is attempting to prove this by not breaking up with me like he used to. He has had long time friends say he a know it all and narcissistic, and he has had his children and others. The counselor we saw together for 3 1/2 years told me he was a narcissist and that there was never any hope for the relationship. He told me it was doomed from the start and that this relationship could destroy me emotionally. We then saw another counselor who said the same thing. he saw these counselors by himself too, many times, sometimes for 2 to 3 hour appts. He has never, and probably will never admit he is a narcissist. He is trying to prove to me he is not one by how “humble” he is and how kind he is. He is super kind to cute women in stores, or anyone who flirts with him. He is far less kind to men or unattractive women. He feeds off attention. I hesitate to say too much about him here because he could retalitate against me and I could end up homeless. He is kind of famous, and he supports me although we live seperately. He lives far away. My children who are older but some still at home tell me that do not want him coming back because he is so controlling and heartless. He is not physically abusive at all, never really has yelled, but he withdraws affection and kindness easliy. He also has consistently critical of me. I have had big health problems and am dependent on him right now but I am trying hard to heal so I can be independent. My doctor thinks I am partly not healing because of him. I have had a surgeon pull me aside after my surgery to ask me if he was abusing me. She would not tell me what he said to her, or what he did, maybe he hit on her, I have no idea, but she told me she did not like or trust him. This was so absurd, I was embarrassed. I also had an accountant tell me she thought he was a narcissist because she had a family member who was who was just like him.
    I have all these people telling me he is a narcissist, but I still question. My counselor says this is because he has “hooked” me. But I have become stronger and closer to seeing this. I really love him. But my counselor says I love my image of him who I think he is. Maybe he is right, but I have a big heart, and I know I have been co dependent too, so I keep forgiving and forgetting too quickly. His family say he is so detached. They are right. He tells me he loves me all the time, occasionally sends flowers, but he has pulled further and further away. I know it is just a matter of time he leaves me for someone else. My counselor said this would be a blessing for me. He said it will be painful, but the best thing that could happen. My counselor says I am very healthy, but have deep attachment to him probably due to childhood abuse. So we are working on this.
    If I ever question him about where he has been or whatever he gets really defensive. I am super open and honest and expect him to be also, but I have found he cannot talk about many things, and one time he told me he is not honest with me about when he talks to women. He gets really attracted to young women and this turns my stomach. He acts really flirtateous when we go into stores sometimes, or does things to get attention like dancing to the store music and other things to attract attention, even though he admantly denies ever wanting attention.
    Why am I having such a hard time believing he is a narcissist? I feel so worn down. I am trying so hard to heal. I feel like my life is over. I want to have the courage to leave, but part of me questions whether it is just in my head, and perhaps I am wrong and so is everyone else. He has good friendship relationships with men at times, but he does not live with them, and usually when he sees them he is taking them to lunch or buying them something etc.
    This has been the toughest relationship I have ever had. I was married to my children’s father for 20 years, and although we were not compatible, we are great friends now. Even he thinks this man is a narcissist too.
    Why am I so confused?

  • Anne
    December 9, 2012

    PS~ I have so many instances, or experiences with this man where he has built me up and then torn me down. I forgot to state this. I was told this is his way of establishing control. His ex wife felt oppressed and was so sick and depressed for many years. I know many people wonder why I have stayed if it is like this, but he shifts quickly into that “loving” charming man, telling me how much he loves me etc. He has quite an incredible facade. Women email him off his website and fawn over him. I cannot say what he does, but he is well known in certain circles and appears very enlightened. This has been so difficult to understand and so painful, and even harder to leave. I am worried if I leave I will regret it. But, I am most likely wrong.

    • Sally
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Anne – i just wanted to say i really felt for you when i read your story it echos mine so closely i cant tell you!!! He is definitely a Narcissist even the good things he does are following the pattern perfectly. The proving he is not a narcissist, ive changed etc etc etc will not last and in my experience the nicer they are the worse the treatment you get when he cant keep it up any longer. Mine wasnt physically abusive until hed conned me into marrying him by going to counselling, apologising to all my friends and family, saying hed realised that his behaviour hurt everyone around him and had made me ill and that he was going to look after me from now on and make me well. After 3 wonderful totally amazing weeks of marriage he threw the ring back at me for the first time because i asked him a question, 6 months after he punched me in the head 9 times because he didnt understand/ misunderstood a very simple non abusive joke id made. He didnt really misunderstand it was the pressure of being the fake version of himself for so long that brought out that level of anger and not anything i did. Dduring the time we were married he was the nicest hed ever been and the worst! I thought this man loved me more than anyone else ever had because if i was as annoying, useless blah blah blah as he said i was then why would he keep coming back to me and treating me like a princess if he didnt REALLY love me. The longer it goes on and the more the fake him has to be on show the worse it will get. Please leave this man and be safe darling!!!!

  • Sam
    February 19, 2013

    Hi my n I split with him on boxing day because he was getting close to a girl we knew for two years then all of a sudden he was hiding and calling her and planning to meet up with her while I was at work… He said it was nothing and she’s like a sister but I could sence he liked her. Been begging for affection and attention and I told him those people that disrespected our home a few months back are not welcome here including this woman.. He just says deal with it… That night one of his mates kicked my dog in the head it’s a little one and I found him with a huge chunk of skin missing on his head. And his friend was out the back throwing chairs and BBQ over just plain messed up … My n wasn’t out the back but out the front.. With this girl. When I walked out trying to calm his mate down ( btw I was in bed trying to sleep for work and told him not to bring ppl over) he said to me he was protecting her ( I was like what the hel) she can come back in the gate if something was wrong. Anyway was a horrible night and he knew very well I put my boundaries up only to be discarded for what he wanted to do.. Anyway boxing day he went out until seven. I was upset but left him to sleep it off and come back nd spend time together later. When I get home the first thing in his head after being dead to the world was ring this woman up and bring her over for drinks. This hurt me but I tried to be nice .. Try to drag him away and saw what the hell are you thinking.. I had a few shots and yes I started to put him down .. Tried again while she left for the toilet to tell him I’m not happy. Anyway he pussed of in her car and stayed at her house all night . I rang and rang only to receive a text saying ” trust me when nothing’s happening I needed to get away because your being a bitch” now after eight weeks he won’t stop asking me to come over its hard to say no… I posted what I want from him, he admits he needs to change but still says I made him unhappy for so long and he won’t have that again… And this isn’t the first time I forgave him. One night he rang me to pick him up at three am drunk as hell. I did after he wouldn’t give up calling . In the car he demands I take him to get food . I was telling him no blah blah then he punched me in the face I was so shocked . Then I told him to get out and he forced his weight all onto me I had to try and drive while I’m breathing in my face and thank god the cops pulled us over… Anyway I’m worried because I feel weak sometimes he puts the I’m lonely. And I’m having a hard time… I’m having panic attacks blah blah this is my story. I’m not living there does he sound like a narssasist.

  • Sam
    February 19, 2013

    Ps ii met this man at age 19 I’m now 26 this year. He’s making me. Feel guilt for not going over and watching movies by asking me over six times… Should I believe this man will learn once and for all for his mistakes.?? Will he actually fut me first for once? Will he be intimate with me for once not because it’s on his terms.. Btw this man never kissed me passionately always closed mouth unless it was a special day…. No real affection unless it was laying on the couch watching movies and in the bedroom sorry guys … But no foreplay and if it was it felt forced upon him .. He did try . I do love him. But I don’t know if I can be let down a third time.. I don’t want to let him go also due to his own safety and health. This man has high cholesterol .. Drinks a lot and takes valium and antidepressants .. I’m afraid he will do something.. I don’t now . Any answers ?? Btw he was generous with splurging on me when on holiday but refused to put our money together.. Never wanted to marry me because he’s been waiting for me to grow up. I can be a little careless at times and insecure to the point of checking his phone too much and then blasting him. When he done it again causing the blame back onto myself.. It goes on.. We did have some good times tho :(

    • Sam
      February 19, 2013

      Oh and I forgot one more thing the only time he came close to proposing to me is after a bucks night. Him coming home at six am the only one out of the group beaten up…crying then passing out Next morning he goes to the doctors alone because I refused to go and brings back a diamond ring… He said to me he was going to ask me when he gave it to me … You tell me what the hell happened there because never have I got a full story. And he doesn’t admit it was an apology ring he gave it to me because he loves me. Ok that’s it I promise.. Any advise is great thanks

      • bek
        March 1, 2013

        Hi Sam, please dont go back,, its never going to get better trust me.. i finally left my N after 16 years, ur story sounds very much the same as mine.. you have got to think of yourself and your wellbeing, you where so young when you got with him, dont let him take anymore of your prime time, go and live life, My N took the best years of my life away, i can never get them back, so now im in my 40′s and starting from scratch again, due to him being so aggressive and a narcissist i had to walk away with basically nothing,, i got my car and a few boxes of personal stuff, he got the house, cars, harley, and all the furniture… i know i could fight in court to get half, but its much easier to walk away… i have had no contact for about 2 months and everyday i feel free and more relaxed…

  • Letitia
    February 20, 2013

    Hi Melanie -

    I am currently working my way through everything you have written.

    I was with my narcissistic ex for years and the devastation he caused me and my children is beyond anything I could ever describe. I become a severely depressed traumatised shell of a person. I had two breakdowns and felt suicidal for months.

    I am still not recovered and everything I have read of yours so far is spot on.

    My ex even tried to convince me I was a narcissist before I even knew what the term meant. He sent me what I have dubbed the ‘evil’ email (he sent me many abusive emails, but this one was the worse ever) which was a 5 page email where he ripped into everything about me, my looks, my personality, all the help and support I had given him over the years and told me he was going to destroy my life, and all I had to do was wait. He said all this whilst claiming he whilst signing it my loving co-narcissist. Like I said I didn’t even know what the term meant, but the email scared me so much I moved counties.

    Stupidly I let this man back into my life, we have a son together, and he managed to manipulate our son to live with him. He has since destroyed my relationship with my son and I am now in court proceedings. He is continuing to behave in the most bizarre manner that would take too long to document, but it is creepy beyond imaginings. His promise to destroy my life was really no joke.

    I am currently training to be a counsellor in a hope to be able to help other people that have gone through this abuse. I am so happy to have come across your incredible work.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Letitia

  • Tatiana
    April 12, 2013

    Hi Mel, the more NC time I have away from my NPD husband and the more I learn about my own healing, the more empowering the articles are for me. Its so amazing how succinctly your messages speak to me and obviously to many other people. I’m really pleased I’ve started the NARP program recently. Thankyou Mel for this gift of healing and a new future that you offer to me and to others x

  • Jessie
    July 21, 2013

    This is SO good for me to read. I read the list of “traits a genuine person would display” and it does seem unreal or impossible. And yet I would do all those things myself if I was trying to convince someone I had hurt to trust me again!
    I left my narcissist this February, and ended up back again, after we went to counseling briefly which didn’t really address the issues, only talked about how an ideal marriage should be. He cried and claimed to be a new person, but he wasn’t. He did act a little better, but I wasn’t allowed to talk about any of the ways he had hurt me in the past, or I was “kicking him while he’s down” and being “bitter and unforgiving”.
    I told him that for years I had been holding up a false front, pretending I was okay when I wasn’t, pretending we had a decent marriage in order to keep the peace and give the kids an acceptable home life. I told him I needed some space to figure out what I really felt, and that I was anxious not to express affection for him if it wasn’t genuine. I wasn’t certain which of my habitual behaviors were real and which were years of habit. He gave me NO space– he even ended up admitting that he WANTED me to go back to the old me, the one who had faked affection in order to keep him happy.
    When I came back, I’d made him promise that if the trauma started again, that he would let me go without having to call 911. He broke the promise repeatedly. He was essentially imprisoning me. I could only go in the car alone if I would explain every errand I intended to make, and he trusted me because he knows I don’t lie. When we’d have a fuss and I said I couldn’t stand it any more and wanted to leave, he would take away my phone, purse or shoes or just block my way so I couldn’t get out. I finally got out (with help from 911, on a phone he didn’t know I had– he had hidden or disconnected all the phones he knew about) only two weeks ago.
    I’m staying with family but they don’t have much room for me. Have to figure out something fast.
    That’s the point I’m at right now, and I just found your blog, which is the clearest and most wonderful explanation and boosts my hopes greatly.
    You are SO RIGHT, there is love out there. I don’t mean love for another partner, but for myself and humanity.
    When the cops took me away, my N asked me if I was coming back, and I said I’d come back if Dr. —- ever told me it was a good idea to come back.
    I doubt he will go, because he hates psychologists.

  • Debbie
    September 12, 2013

    My story is quite a tale. I was married for 24 years before I had the strength to get out. I knew something was not right with him from the beginning but I had too little life experience to be able to put a name to it. I eventually realized that he was too attached to his mother and showed a lot of anger towards me because I was the reason he had to leave his parents’ house. When I spoke to him about it, he would only say I was making trouble where there wasn’t any. I began to notice how much he needed other people’s attention, mine was never good enough. He would go to events even if I wasn’t invited, saying he had to attend because HE was invited. He was sexually disrespectful to me, if I confronted him, he would say it was my fault. I knew he didn’t love me but I didn’t realize he couldn’t love anyone, except maybe his mother. He always made me feel insignificant, like I had no value. He would never defend or protect me, told me I could take care of myself! Then one year he got an offer to go into partnership in a coffee bar with his cousin & two other men. He promised it wouldn’t change our lives but it was the beginning of the end. After his day job he would do a shift at the coffee bar and only come home at 11:00 pm, too tired to even speak to me. This went on for two weeks. I got curious and showed up by surprise at the coffee bar. There he was surrounded by young women & guys, holding court like he was this great persona, everybody’s good friend! With that much narcissist supply, I never stood a chance. He wouldn’t listen to anything I ever said negatively about the bar, he’d get very angry. One of the partners decided they should sell cocaine to make more money. When I found out, I went ballistic. He & the cousin told me I didn’t know what I was talking about when I told them the dangers and illegalities of selling drugs. My ex accused me of not wanting him to have any friends. I told him these were not friends but drug dealers. He preferred to listen to them, my warnings had no value. Well not long after that the genius got caught by undercover cops & got 6months. He only served 1 month. I told him I wouldn’t be there for him if he did this again. He never once seemed the least bit sorry, never apologized. He was prohibited from returning to the bar by the court but he would sneak in the back door and returned to his groupies. He acted like a big Mafia guy and most of the young women just flocked to him. He listened to some other drug dealers who convinced him to do one more big deal. Nothing I did or said could stop him. He said was doing this for me & our sons. I told him if he was doing this for us, we were asking him to stop. Of course he was doing it for himself, for the attention he got. Well within 18 months, he got caught again & this time got 14 years. Never apologized for ruining our lives. He blamed the police as he said they didn’t have enough evidence, he shouldn’t have been convicted. Even when he was released after 3 years, he was still trying to make drug dealing connections, that was his sole focus. I divorced him, he made it very difficult but I remained strong and had a good lawyer. Years later now, I had a small chance to speak to him calmly but he became instantly angry at me, told me everything was my fault. He couldn’t believe that I would ever leave him. He’s now seeing one of the waitresses that worked for him at the coffee bar; she had a huge crush on him at the time which I now think may have crossed the line. He delighted in telling me she’s a wonderful woman and he’s never been happier with anyone else. I told him good for you. From what others have told me, she’s as dumb as he is and he abuses her emotionally. She has no self value, so she well suited to him. I have cut what little contact I had with him even though our sons had hoped we could be friends. I told them it’s too emotionally draining to be around this person who hates me so much and has the immaturity to blame me for the failure of the marriage.

  • Nik
    September 27, 2013

    Just found this amazing lady’s website… Like all of you I was left gob smacked and somewhat upset… when reality hits you and you read the posts you realise what has happend!!! I am only just beginning to see it. I left my N 8 weeks ago. I decided to write a letter that I intended to send to him (have not sent since I read everything here on this website). HOWEVER… showing this to my therapist first meeting.. I not only got confirmation of my ex being a N but it s now a tool to my recovery as the things I have written show he was who he was and gives me and my therapist many things to work on… I am yet to get to grips with it all.. as I still feel numb and still doubt everything… and with what you read just shows I still need clarity.
    This was my letter
    Mimi is my beautiful little dog . I can not have children. She is a small schichon pretty little dog only 6kg’s.
    My thoughts were to leave this but after hearing from my sister and her partner that you had said to them at Christmas ‘at least you got the sane one of the 3’ I felt you should know exactly why I left you. I was only 10 days out of hospital from acute appendicitus
    Firstly I will point out what the things you said I did wrong
    I never gave you enough attention
    Mimi got more attention than you
    I should not feed Mimi tit bits
    I should not put Mimi on my knee she is a dog and belongs on the floor.
    I would also like to point out at this stage that the biggest part of your problem is your head…. I have no reason to lie to you know we are not together…….. BUT I NEVER ONCE EVER CHEATED ON YOU. EVER. However to save some painful times for your next victim you might want to sort your head out and stop using this is an excuse as I believe your ex may well have been in the same boat as me whereby you convince yourself of something that isn’t true…. (generally the person accusing the person of doing the cheating is often the one who is)…. As it is not even something I would think about.
    You also believe I am a nightmare when drunk.
    Which is the biggest joke of all as the majority of hurtful nasty things you have said and done to me when you are knowingly drunk or secretively drunk pales my stress head into insignificance.
    You have called me a bitch, a hoar and a slag when accusing me of being with somebody else. Our neighbours hear d you … you were that nasty, cruel and aggressive they thought you were beating me up. I cried …. you would not calm down,,,, and all you could do was to carry on shouting… I know this because that night I purposely did not drink. Causing such a fuss I had no choice but to ask you to leave. That was after hours of you accusing me and shouting nonstop.
    That was YOUR FAULT. I had to ask you to leave. If I had done the same you would have done exactly the same thing.
    Another time you had been drinking
    We were in bed together one night and we started to have sex…. at which point you turned and said in an evil voice ‘every time we have sex I feel like I am raping you’ laughed and shrugged me away….!!
    What the hell would you have done if I had said something similar If I had said to you every time we have sex I feel like you are raping me ….? I hate to think!
    I have never said anything so horrific to you EVER
    The latest thing at our house was when you came back pissed , said you hadn’t been drinking and went and passed out on the bed, we were due to go out that evening for a nice meal and night….. however when I came to the door and asked if you were okay and did you want to go out, you turned round and said ‘get ere and suck my cock’, I said what? What are you talking about? And you carried on mumbling… I do not know who you thought you were talking to?
    You called me a dried u old spinster!
    What would you have done if I had gone out said I was only going to be half an hour.. came back 3 hours later pissed and rambled something like that to you?!
    I NEVER DID!
    Needless to say you insisted we go out only to not be spoken to the whole way there or back!
    This was after the night you had been out helping a mate do some removals said you would be back at tea time… then it was going to be 7ish and it ended up at 10pm…you then got pissed and sat in the chair that night whilst I was in bed saying you had picked the wrong sister….. (I won’t tell you what my sister and boyfriend think about that)
    I was upstairs in bits!!!!!!! How horrid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never EVEN THINK THAT LET ALONE SAY IT! .
    On one of our trips back to England (I had just had my appendix out… just 10 days after…. you started again about not having enough sex…. you blamed me for my ex husband leaving…. (he was sleeping with somebody else) not sleeping with me… it was the other way round… you went on and on about it calling me Princess Nikki and what does Princess Nikki want to do…. I tried talking to you… I ended up trying to shout at you…. I went and slept in the car… YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN… YOU KNOW YOU ARE SCARY WHEN YOU SHOUT… YOUR FAULT … I SLEPT IN THE CAR. YOUR DOING AGAIN! Who is the insane one? I ended up with flu on top of that.. I was so ill over Christmas and I had to force myself to go out one night because you had started sulking again… you went in a bad mood…
    YOU DID. YOU WENT IN THE MOOD … NOT ME
    Many times after you have created like this I have asked you to leave and stupid me does ask you back… I sort of feel sorry for you and wonder what the hell happened in your life to make you so mean….I try to text you… and I either get back
    FUCK OFF AND DIE or GOODBYE HAVE A GOOD LIFE
    Who is insane? The so called being in the forces (which I now do not believe )even if you had there are hundreds of men that have done the same and not ended up as nasty as you. My sister’s boyfiend who served in the army, for example has been there done it even been asked if he is a baby killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so that shit doesn’t add up.!
    You have thumped me in the face because I was trying so hard to get you to understand and believe me that I had not shagged some bloke … you still to this day won’t believe me…. I kept telling you and telling you as you were kicking off so badly… you thumped me in the face….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID THAT!
    You then went on self destruct and drowned yourself in vodka … I came and got you as I thought you must have felt really bad about hitting ME!!! (yes I suppose I must be insane.) But I loved you and I didn’t want you to feel bad about what you had done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would that not prove anything to you?
    NO
    It goes on:-
    Mimi was very ill when we went away this last time …in fact it was a nightmare for all of us….. Mimi had gasturenturitus and NEEDED a vet….. she was being sick every 20 minutes 4 or 5 times and that went on all night and morning…. the vet said she would get dehydrated…. you said she was just like a human being not feeling too well and been sick and that she would get over it and that you had tummy ache aswell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was desperately ill and would have needed to stay in hospital if I had not taken her back the second time…… what did you do… YOU WENT IN A MOOD. YOU DID NOT TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT. YOU SAT OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM ON YOUR LAPTOP ALL NIGHT. NOT ONCE DID YOU COME AND SEE IF WE WERE OK. THE NEXT MORNING YOU SAID WE ARE GOING
    YOU DID NOT TALK TO US THE WHOLE WAY HOME. YOU GOT IN THE HOUSE AND LAY ON THE SOFA ALL DAY WATCHING MOVIES.
    I am amazed at myself that I have kept running back to you as these are just a few things that have happened. I thought things would get better but they JUST GOT WORSE.
    We got a house together and you stay away more.. or longer… you think when I say I don’t like us being apart that I am being needy…… I DIDN’T NEED YOU … I just wanted us to be together like any normal couple. Just normal and happy. On the odd occasion you were lovely but as time goes by all these things you have said and done and the fact that you can only go 2 days of being nice just isn’t right for me to sit and wait for you to come home to get a barrage of shit.
    I cannot win. When I try to tell you how I feel you see me as being needy. Or you scream and shout at me and TELL ME I AM BEING horrid…. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME… AND YES IT IS HORRID …. You need to take responsibility for what you say and do.
    If you hadn’t of wanted a relationship then why did you want to move in with me the day you split up with your ex … I know you didn’t because I said it was too early and that I did not want to be the reason for you two splitting up. It was my suggestion that you stay in one of the cabins…. I mean we had not even been out for a drink together….. Maybe this is what you have done with somebody else….!!! I mean at least you can stick to your so called rule of not cheating eh?!
    Why get a house together??!!! I was lonely yes. But that’s not me being needy….you didn’t like the idea of me going out with Trevor and that lot as you would have thought I was having an affair so I didn’t do that. So I couldn’t win. COULD I?
    One time where we lived at the time… early days when I was in the demo home, there was a power cut… a few people came down to see if I was ok.. as I was on my own.. they had brought candles.. within half an hour half the park was there with candles and they had all brought their own glasses of wine….. you called that night and thought I was having a bloody party… needless to say the following day you were moody on the phone and we ended up falling out!!!! And yet again I had to call you…. !
    When I saw loads of messages from people wanting to be your fuck buddy…. you fell out with me!!! You went on about if I didn’t trust you and all sorts you were quite happy then for me to fuck off and die if I didn’t believe you…. you told me your so called mates had done it !!!! And they knew all your dates of birth and passwords….. I came crawling back to YOU!
    Compare the two????? Is that fair!??? CAN YOU NOT SEE IT!!!!!
    You will not take responsibility for what you have said and done as you do not even like me repeating it. I bring these FEW instances up because HOW DARE YOU AFTER TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT DARE YOU EVER SAY THAT I AM INSANE
    YOU HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE ARGUEMNTS. YOU HAVE MADE ME CRY WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO SHOCKED AT YOUR OUTBURSTS. YOU HAVE STOOD THERE AND GLARED AT ME WITH YOUR EVIL EYES AND JUST WALKED PAST ME WHEN I AM IN PAIN AND IN TEARS.
    IN ALL CASES IT HAS RESORTED IN ME ASKING YOU TO LEAVE. BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME.
    You have tried to punish me by going quiet, for disappearing for hours on end, by not talking to me for days and I have crawled back to you…. thinking and hoping you would see the light and change….
    YOU and only YOU have created ALL these situations.
    I know now if you were to send a reply you would still only pick out the bits where I call you cruel or nasty….. You have a problem if you do not get it!
    And as per usual you iwll only see it as my fault as I switched my phone off…… that’s ALL I DID…. None of anything you have done…. you said you would call me at 10pm…. it got to well past 11 and I just could not understand why a little txt message saying call you in a bit babe, or can’t ring you tonight speak tomorrow would have done…. but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! And I am sitting waiting for you to come back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Not even a sorry babe , sorry I couldn’t ring you, NEVER A SORRY IS THERE?!
    …. and as I go forward and carry on with my own little life I realise that the person living in the bubble is YOU.
    May you continue to drink away and live in your make believe world where everything wrong is somebody else’s fault.
    You suck up all the goodness, kindness and love from people who want to love you and you leave them empty, heartbroken and confused as to why somebody they loved treated them worse than a piece of dog shit.
    I left all the items of mine because they were all given when you didn’t actually give a shit about me really. The last few tops you brought back as gifts you never even gave them to me …you threw them at me.
    I loved you so much and wanted us to be together maybe you just do not like being a real relationship… I don’t know… you always run to the Hills doing a disappearing act, change your phone just to get away … not sure if you can take onboard what you have done! Or what you think I have done to you!! I just could not take anymore…
    I doubt very much the Betty Boop toilet bag was for you and I imagine you are doing the same immoral crap to somebody else… and as your ex once said to me Good Luck… I say the same to the next poor sod that happens to fall for your SHIT. As in a year’s time you will have argued and left more times than I will have taken Mimi out for walks and I will be happily over you, living in my own home with or without somebody …. in Europe somewhere, my choices are endless……but Happy… restful and not worried about when you maybe coming come home and what mood you will be in…. and comforted to know that I will just have some tranquillity for more than 2/3 days at a time and my family will be happy to see me looking healthy and happy and as gorgeous as I was before I met you.

    Mimi is my beautiful little dog . I can not have children. She is a small schichon pretty little dog only 6kg’s.
    My thoughts were to leave this but after hearing from my sister and her partner that you had said to them at Christmas ‘at least you got the sane one of the 3’ I felt you should know exactly why I left you. I was only 10 days out of hospital from acute appendicitus
    Firstly I will point out what the things you said I did wrong
    I never gave you enough attention
    Mimi got more attention than you
    I should not feed Mimi tit bits
    I should not put Mimi on my knee she is a dog and belongs on the floor.
    I would also like to point out at this stage that the biggest part of your problem is your head…. I have no reason to lie to you know we are not together…….. BUT I NEVER ONCE EVER CHEATED ON YOU. EVER. However to save some painful times for your next victim you might want to sort your head out and stop using this is an excuse as I believe your ex may well have been in the same boat as me whereby you convince yourself of something that isn’t true…. (generally the person accusing the person of doing the cheating is often the one who is)…. As it is not even something I would think about.
    You also believe I am a nightmare when drunk.
    Which is the biggest joke of all as the majority of hurtful nasty things you have said and done to me when you are knowingly drunk or secretively drunk pales my stress head into insignificance.
    You have called me a bitch, a hoar and a slag when accusing me of being with somebody else. Our neighbours hear d you … you were that nasty, cruel and aggressive they thought you were beating me up. I cried …. you would not calm down,,,, and all you could do was to carry on shouting… I know this because that night I purposely did not drink. Causing such a fuss I had no choice but to ask you to leave. That was after hours of you accusing me and shouting nonstop.
    That was YOUR FAULT. I had to ask you to leave. If I had done the same you would have done exactly the same thing.
    Another time you had been drinking
    We were in bed together one night and we started to have sex…. at which point you turned and said in an evil voice ‘every time we have sex I feel like I am raping you’ laughed and shrugged me away….!!
    What the hell would you have done if I had said something similar If I had said to you every time we have sex I feel like you are raping me ….? I hate to think!
    I have never said anything so horrific to you EVER
    The latest thing at our house was when you came back pissed , said you hadn’t been drinking and went and passed out on the bed, we were due to go out that evening for a nice meal and night….. however when I came to the door and asked if you were okay and did you want to go out, you turned round and said ‘get ere and suck my cock’, I said what? What are you talking about? And you carried on mumbling… I do not know who you thought you were talking to?
    You called me a dried u old spinster!
    What would you have done if I had gone out said I was only going to be half an hour.. came back 3 hours later pissed and rambled something like that to you?!
    I NEVER DID!
    Needless to say you insisted we go out only to not be spoken to the whole way there or back!
    This was after the night you had been out helping a mate do some removals said you would be back at tea time… then it was going to be 7ish and it ended up at 10pm…you then got pissed and sat in the chair that night whilst I was in bed saying you had picked the wrong sister….. (I won’t tell you what my sister and boyfriend think about that)
    I was upstairs in bits!!!!!!! How horrid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never EVEN THINK THAT LET ALONE SAY IT! .
    On one of our trips back to England (I had just had my appendix out… just 10 days after…. you started again about not having enough sex…. you blamed me for my ex husband leaving…. (he was sleeping with somebody else) not sleeping with me… it was the other way round… you went on and on about it calling me Princess Nikki and what does Princess Nikki want to do…. I tried talking to you… I ended up trying to shout at you…. I went and slept in the car… YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN… YOU KNOW YOU ARE SCARY WHEN YOU SHOUT… YOUR FAULT … I SLEPT IN THE CAR. YOUR DOING AGAIN! Who is the insane one? I ended up with flu on top of that.. I was so ill over Christmas and I had to force myself to go out one night because you had started sulking again… you went in a bad mood…
    YOU DID. YOU WENT IN THE MOOD … NOT ME
    Many times after you have created like this I have asked you to leave and stupid me does ask you back… I sort of feel sorry for you and wonder what the hell happened in your life to make you so mean….I try to text you… and I either get back
    FUCK OFF AND DIE or GOODBYE HAVE A GOOD LIFE
    Who is insane? The so called being in the forces (which I now do not believe )even if you had there are hundreds of men that have done the same and not ended up as nasty as you. My sister’s boyfiend who served in the army, for example has been there done it even been asked if he is a baby killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so that shit doesn’t add up.!
    You have thumped me in the face because I was trying so hard to get you to understand and believe me that I had not shagged some bloke … you still to this day won’t believe me…. I kept telling you and telling you as you were kicking off so badly… you thumped me in the face….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID THAT!
    You then went on self destruct and drowned yourself in vodka … I came and got you as I thought you must have felt really bad about hitting ME!!! (yes I suppose I must be insane.) But I loved you and I didn’t want you to feel bad about what you had done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would that not prove anything to you?
    NO
    It goes on:-
    Mimi was very ill when we went away this last time …in fact it was a nightmare for all of us….. Mimi had gasturenturitus and NEEDED a vet….. she was being sick every 20 minutes 4 or 5 times and that went on all night and morning…. the vet said she would get dehydrated…. you said she was just like a human being not feeling too well and been sick and that she would get over it and that you had tummy ache aswell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was desperately ill and would have needed to stay in hospital if I had not taken her back the second time…… what did you do… YOU WENT IN A MOOD. YOU DID NOT TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT. YOU SAT OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM ON YOUR LAPTOP ALL NIGHT. NOT ONCE DID YOU COME AND SEE IF WE WERE OK. THE NEXT MORNING YOU SAID WE ARE GOING
    YOU DID NOT TALK TO US THE WHOLE WAY HOME. YOU GOT IN THE HOUSE AND LAY ON THE SOFA ALL DAY WATCHING MOVIES.
    I am amazed at myself that I have kept running back to you as these are just a few things that have happened. I thought things would get better but they JUST GOT WORSE.
    We got a house together and you stay away more.. or longer… you think when I say I don’t like us being apart that I am being needy…… I DIDN’T NEED YOU … I just wanted us to be together like any normal couple. Just normal and happy. On the odd occasion you were lovely but as time goes by all these things you have said and done and the fact that you can only go 2 days of being nice just isn’t right for me to sit and wait for you to come home to get a barrage of shit.
    I cannot win. When I try to tell you how I feel you see me as being needy. Or you scream and shout at me and TELL ME I AM BEING horrid…. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME… AND YES IT IS HORRID …. You need to take responsibility for what you say and do.
    If you hadn’t of wanted a relationship then why did you want to move in with me the day you split up with your ex … I know you didn’t because I said it was too early and that I did not want to be the reason for you two splitting up. It was my suggestion that you stay in one of the cabins…. I mean we had not even been out for a drink together….. Maybe this is what you have done with somebody else….!!! I mean at least you can stick to your so called rule of not cheating eh?!
    Why get a house together??!!! I was lonely yes. But that’s not me being needy….you didn’t like the idea of me going out with Trevor and that lot as you would have thought I was having an affair so I didn’t do that. So I couldn’t win. COULD I?
    One time where we lived at the time… early days when I was in the demo home, there was a power cut… a few people came down to see if I was ok.. as I was on my own.. they had brought candles.. within half an hour half the park was there with candles and they had all brought their own glasses of wine….. you called that night and thought I was having a bloody party… needless to say the following day you were moody on the phone and we ended up falling out!!!! And yet again I had to call you…. !
    When I saw loads of messages from people wanting to be your fuck buddy…. you fell out with me!!! You went on about if I didn’t trust you and all sorts you were quite happy then for me to fuck off and die if I didn’t believe you…. you told me your so called mates had done it !!!! And they knew all your dates of birth and passwords….. I came crawling back to YOU!
    Compare the two????? Is that fair!??? CAN YOU NOT SEE IT!!!!!
    You will not take responsibility for what you have said and done as you do not even like me repeating it. I bring these FEW instances up because HOW DARE YOU AFTER TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT DARE YOU EVER SAY THAT I AM INSANE
    YOU HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE ARGUEMNTS. YOU HAVE MADE ME CRY WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO SHOCKED AT YOUR OUTBURSTS. YOU HAVE STOOD THERE AND GLARED AT ME WITH YOUR EVIL EYES AND JUST WALKED PAST ME WHEN I AM IN PAIN AND IN TEARS.
    IN ALL CASES IT HAS RESORTED IN ME ASKING YOU TO LEAVE. BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME.
    You have tried to punish me by going quiet, for disappearing for hours on end, by not talking to me for days and I have crawled back to you…. thinking and hoping you would see the light and change….
    YOU and only YOU have created ALL these situations.
    I know now if you were to send a reply you would still only pick out the bits where I call you cruel or nasty….. You have a problem if you do not get it!
    And as per usual you iwll only see it as my fault as I switched my phone off…… that’s ALL I DID…. None of anything you have done…. you said you would call me at 10pm…. it got to well past 11 and I just could not understand why a little txt message saying call you in a bit babe, or can’t ring you tonight speak tomorrow would have done…. but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! And I am sitting waiting for you to come back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Not even a sorry babe , sorry I couldn’t ring you, NEVER A SORRY IS THERE?!
    …. and as I go forward and carry on with my own little life I realise that the person living in the bubble is YOU.
    May you continue to drink away and live in your make believe world where everything wrong is somebody else’s fault.
    You suck up all the goodness, kindness and love from people who want to love you and you leave them empty, heartbroken and confused as to why somebody they loved treated them worse than a piece of dog shit.
    I left all the items of mine because they were all given when you didn’t actually give a shit about me really. The last few tops you brought back as gifts you never even gave them to me …you threw them at me.
    I loved you so much and wanted us to be together maybe you just do not like being a real relationship… I don’t know… you always run to the Hills doing a disappearing act, change your phone just to get away … not sure if you can take onboard what you have done! Or what you think I have done to you!! I just could not take anymore…
    I doubt very much the Betty Boop toilet bag was for you and I imagine you are doing the same immoral crap to somebody else… and as your ex once said to me Good Luck… I say the same to the next poor sod that happens to fall for your SHIT. As in a year’s time you will have argued and left more times than I will have taken Mimi out for walks and I will be happily over you, living in my own home with or without somebody …. in Europe somewhere, my choices are endless……but Happy… restful and not worried about when you maybe coming come home and what mood you will be in…. and comforted to know that I will just have some tranquillity for more than 2/3 days at a time and my family will be happy to see me looking healthy and happy and as gorgeous as I was before I met you.

    Mimi is my beautiful little dog . I can not have children. She is a small schichon pretty little dog only 6kg’s.
    My thoughts were to leave this but after hearing from my sister and her partner that you had said to them at Christmas ‘at least you got the sane one of the 3’ I felt you should know exactly why I left you. I was only 10 days out of hospital from acute appendicitus
    Firstly I will point out what the things you said I did wrong
    I never gave you enough attention
    Mimi got more attention than you
    I should not feed Mimi tit bits
    I should not put Mimi on my knee she is a dog and belongs on the floor.
    I would also like to point out at this stage that the biggest part of your problem is your head…. I have no reason to lie to you know we are not together…….. BUT I NEVER ONCE EVER CHEATED ON YOU. EVER. However to save some painful times for your next victim you might want to sort your head out and stop using this is an excuse as I believe your ex may well have been in the same boat as me whereby you convince yourself of something that isn’t true…. (generally the person accusing the person of doing the cheating is often the one who is)…. As it is not even something I would think about.
    You also believe I am a nightmare when drunk.
    Which is the biggest joke of all as the majority of hurtful nasty things you have said and done to me when you are knowingly drunk or secretively drunk pales my stress head into insignificance.
    You have called me a bitch, a hoar and a slag when accusing me of being with somebody else. Our neighbours hear d you … you were that nasty, cruel and aggressive they thought you were beating me up. I cried …. you would not calm down,,,, and all you could do was to carry on shouting… I know this because that night I purposely did not drink. Causing such a fuss I had no choice but to ask you to leave. That was after hours of you accusing me and shouting nonstop.
    That was YOUR FAULT. I had to ask you to leave. If I had done the same you would have done exactly the same thing.
    Another time you had been drinking
    We were in bed together one night and we started to have sex…. at which point you turned and said in an evil voice ‘every time we have sex I feel like I am raping you’ laughed and shrugged me away….!!
    What the hell would you have done if I had said something similar If I had said to you every time we have sex I feel like you are raping me ….? I hate to think!
    I have never said anything so horrific to you EVER
    The latest thing at our house was when you came back pissed , said you hadn’t been drinking and went and passed out on the bed, we were due to go out that evening for a nice meal and night….. however when I came to the door and asked if you were okay and did you want to go out, you turned round and said ‘get ere and suck my cock’, I said what? What are you talking about? And you carried on mumbling… I do not know who you thought you were talking to?
    You called me a dried u old spinster!
    What would you have done if I had gone out said I was only going to be half an hour.. came back 3 hours later pissed and rambled something like that to you?!
    I NEVER DID!
    Needless to say you insisted we go out only to not be spoken to the whole way there or back!
    This was after the night you had been out helping a mate do some removals said you would be back at tea time… then it was going to be 7ish and it ended up at 10pm…you then got pissed and sat in the chair that night whilst I was in bed saying you had picked the wrong sister….. (I won’t tell you what my sister and boyfriend think about that)
    I was upstairs in bits!!!!!!! How horrid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never EVEN THINK THAT LET ALONE SAY IT! .
    On one of our trips back to England (I had just had my appendix out… just 10 days after…. you started again about not having enough sex…. you blamed me for my ex husband leaving…. (he was sleeping with somebody else) not sleeping with me… it was the other way round… you went on and on about it calling me Princess Nikki and what does Princess Nikki want to do…. I tried talking to you… I ended up trying to shout at you…. I went and slept in the car… YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN… YOU KNOW YOU ARE SCARY WHEN YOU SHOUT… YOUR FAULT … I SLEPT IN THE CAR. YOUR DOING AGAIN! Who is the insane one? I ended up with flu on top of that.. I was so ill over Christmas and I had to force myself to go out one night because you had started sulking again… you went in a bad mood…
    YOU DID. YOU WENT IN THE MOOD … NOT ME
    Many times after you have created like this I have asked you to leave and stupid me does ask you back… I sort of feel sorry for you and wonder what the hell happened in your life to make you so mean….I try to text you… and I either get back
    FUCK OFF AND DIE or GOODBYE HAVE A GOOD LIFE
    Who is insane? The so called being in the forces (which I now do not believe )even if you had there are hundreds of men that have done the same and not ended up as nasty as you. My sister’s boyfiend who served in the army, for example has been there done it even been asked if he is a baby killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so that shit doesn’t add up.!
    You have thumped me in the face because I was trying so hard to get you to understand and believe me that I had not shagged some bloke … you still to this day won’t believe me…. I kept telling you and telling you as you were kicking off so badly… you thumped me in the face….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID THAT!
    You then went on self destruct and drowned yourself in vodka … I came and got you as I thought you must have felt really bad about hitting ME!!! (yes I suppose I must be insane.) But I loved you and I didn’t want you to feel bad about what you had done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would that not prove anything to you?
    NO
    It goes on:-
    Mimi was very ill when we went away this last time …in fact it was a nightmare for all of us….. Mimi had gasturenturitus and NEEDED a vet….. she was being sick every 20 minutes 4 or 5 times and that went on all night and morning…. the vet said she would get dehydrated…. you said she was just like a human being not feeling too well and been sick and that she would get over it and that you had tummy ache aswell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was desperately ill and would have needed to stay in hospital if I had not taken her back the second time…… what did you do… YOU WENT IN A MOOD. YOU DID NOT TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT. YOU SAT OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM ON YOUR LAPTOP ALL NIGHT. NOT ONCE DID YOU COME AND SEE IF WE WERE OK. THE NEXT MORNING YOU SAID WE ARE GOING
    YOU DID NOT TALK TO US THE WHOLE WAY HOME. YOU GOT IN THE HOUSE AND LAY ON THE SOFA ALL DAY WATCHING MOVIES.
    I am amazed at myself that I have kept running back to you as these are just a few things that have happened. I thought things would get better but they JUST GOT WORSE.
    We got a house together and you stay away more.. or longer… you think when I say I don’t like us being apart that I am being needy…… I DIDN’T NEED YOU … I just wanted us to be together like any normal couple. Just normal and happy. On the odd occasion you were lovely but as time goes by all these things you have said and done and the fact that you can only go 2 days of being nice just isn’t right for me to sit and wait for you to come home to get a barrage of shit.
    I cannot win. When I try to tell you how I feel you see me as being needy. Or you scream and shout at me and TELL ME I AM BEING horrid…. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME… AND YES IT IS HORRID …. You need to take responsibility for what you say and do.
    If you hadn’t of wanted a relationship then why did you want to move in with me the day you split up with your ex … I know you didn’t because I said it was too early and that I did not want to be the reason for you two splitting up. It was my suggestion that you stay in one of the cabins…. I mean we had not even been out for a drink together….. Maybe this is what you have done with somebody else….!!! I mean at least you can stick to your so called rule of not cheating eh?!
    Why get a house together??!!! I was lonely yes. But that’s not me being needy….you didn’t like the idea of me going out with Trevor and that lot as you would have thought I was having an affair so I didn’t do that. So I couldn’t win. COULD I?
    One time where we lived at the time… early days when I was in the demo home, there was a power cut… a few people came down to see if I was ok.. as I was on my own.. they had brought candles.. within half an hour half the park was there with candles and they had all brought their own glasses of wine….. you called that night and thought I was having a bloody party… needless to say the following day you were moody on the phone and we ended up falling out!!!! And yet again I had to call you…. !
    When I saw loads of messages from people wanting to be your fuck buddy…. you fell out with me!!! You went on about if I didn’t trust you and all sorts you were quite happy then for me to fuck off and die if I didn’t believe you…. you told me your so called mates had done it !!!! And they knew all your dates of birth and passwords….. I came crawling back to YOU!
    Compare the two????? Is that fair!??? CAN YOU NOT SEE IT!!!!!
    You will not take responsibility for what you have said and done as you do not even like me repeating it. I bring these FEW instances up because HOW DARE YOU AFTER TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT DARE YOU EVER SAY THAT I AM INSANE
    YOU HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE ARGUEMNTS. YOU HAVE MADE ME CRY WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO SHOCKED AT YOUR OUTBURSTS. YOU HAVE STOOD THERE AND GLARED AT ME WITH YOUR EVIL EYES AND JUST WALKED PAST ME WHEN I AM IN PAIN AND IN TEARS.
    IN ALL CASES IT HAS RESORTED IN ME ASKING YOU TO LEAVE. BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME.
    You have tried to punish me by going quiet, for disappearing for hours on end, by not talking to me for days and I have crawled back to you…. thinking and hoping you would see the light and change….
    YOU and only YOU have created ALL these situations.
    I know now if you were to send a reply you would still only pick out the bits where I call you cruel or nasty….. You have a problem if you do not get it!
    And as per usual you iwll only see it as my fault as I switched my phone off…… that’s ALL I DID…. None of anything you have done…. you said you would call me at 10pm…. it got to well past 11 and I just could not understand why a little txt message saying call you in a bit babe, or can’t ring you tonight speak tomorrow would have done…. but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! And I am sitting waiting for you to come back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Not even a sorry babe , sorry I couldn’t ring you, NEVER A SORRY IS THERE?!
    …. and as I go forward and carry on with my own little life I realise that the person living in the bubble is YOU.
    May you continue to drink away and live in your make believe world where everything wrong is somebody else’s fault.
    You suck up all the goodness, kindness and love from people who want to love you and you leave them empty, heartbroken and confused as to why somebody they loved treated them worse than a piece of dog shit.
    I left all the items of mine because they were all given when you didn’t actually give a shit about me really. The last few tops you brought back as gifts you never even gave them to me …you threw them at me.
    I loved you so much and wanted us to be together maybe you just do not like being a real relationship… I don’t know… you always run to the Hills doing a disappearing act, change your phone just to get away … not sure if you can take onboard what you have done! Or what you think I have done to you!! I just could not take anymore…
    I doubt very much the Betty Boop toilet bag was for you and I imagine you are doing the same immoral crap to somebody else… and as your ex once said to me Good Luck… I say the same to the next poor sod that happens to fall for your SHIT. As in a year’s time you will have argued and left more times than I will have taken Mimi out for walks and I will be happily over you, living in my own home with or without somebody …. in Europe somewhere, my choices are endless……but Happy… restful and not worried about when you maybe coming come home and what mood you will be in…. and comforted to know that I will just have some tranquillity for more than 2/3 days at a time and my family will be happy to see me looking healthy and happy and as gorgeous as I was before I met you.
    Mimi is my beautiful little dog . I can not have children. She is a small schichon pretty little dog only 6kg’s.
    My thoughts were to leave this but after hearing from my sister and her partner that you had said to them at Christmas ‘at least you got the sane one of the 3’ I felt you should know exactly why I left you. I was only 10 days out of hospital from acute appendicitus
    Firstly I will point out what the things you said I did wrong
    I never gave you enough attention
    Mimi got more attention than you
    I should not feed Mimi tit bits
    I should not put Mimi on my knee she is a dog and belongs on the floor.
    I would also like to point out at this stage that the biggest part of your problem is your head…. I have no reason to lie to you know we are not together…….. BUT I NEVER ONCE EVER CHEATED ON YOU. EVER. However to save some painful times for your next victim you might want to sort your head out and stop using this is an excuse as I believe your ex may well have been in the same boat as me whereby you convince yourself of something that isn’t true…. (generally the person accusing the person of doing the cheating is often the one who is)…. As it is not even something I would think about.
    You also believe I am a nightmare when drunk.
    Which is the biggest joke of all as the majority of hurtful nasty things you have said and done to me when you are knowingly drunk or secretively drunk pales my stress head into insignificance.
    You have called me a bitch, a hoar and a slag when accusing me of being with somebody else. Our neighbours hear d you … you were that nasty, cruel and aggressive they thought you were beating me up. I cried …. you would not calm down,,,, and all you could do was to carry on shouting… I know this because that night I purposely did not drink. Causing such a fuss I had no choice but to ask you to leave. That was after hours of you accusing me and shouting nonstop.
    That was YOUR FAULT. I had to ask you to leave. If I had done the same you would have done exactly the same thing.
    Another time you had been drinking
    We were in bed together one night and we started to have sex…. at which point you turned and said in an evil voice ‘every time we have sex I feel like I am raping you’ laughed and shrugged me away….!!
    What the hell would you have done if I had said something similar If I had said to you every time we have sex I feel like you are raping me ….? I hate to think!
    I have never said anything so horrific to you EVER
    The latest thing at our house was when you came back pissed , said you hadn’t been drinking and went and passed out on the bed, we were due to go out that evening for a nice meal and night….. however when I came to the door and asked if you were okay and did you want to go out, you turned round and said ‘get ere and suck my cock’, I said what? What are you talking about? And you carried on mumbling… I do not know who you thought you were talking to?
    You called me a dried u old spinster!
    What would you have done if I had gone out said I was only going to be half an hour.. came back 3 hours later pissed and rambled something like that to you?!
    I NEVER DID!
    Needless to say you insisted we go out only to not be spoken to the whole way there or back!
    This was after the night you had been out helping a mate do some removals said you would be back at tea time… then it was going to be 7ish and it ended up at 10pm…you then got pissed and sat in the chair that night whilst I was in bed saying you had picked the wrong sister….. (I won’t tell you what my sister and boyfriend think about that)
    I was upstairs in bits!!!!!!! How horrid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never EVEN THINK THAT LET ALONE SAY IT! .
    On one of our trips back to England (I had just had my appendix out… just 10 days after…. you started again about not having enough sex…. you blamed me for my ex husband leaving…. (he was sleeping with somebody else) not sleeping with me… it was the other way round… you went on and on about it calling me Princess Nikki and what does Princess Nikki want to do…. I tried talking to you… I ended up trying to shout at you…. I went and slept in the car… YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN… YOU KNOW YOU ARE SCARY WHEN YOU SHOUT… YOUR FAULT … I SLEPT IN THE CAR. YOUR DOING AGAIN! Who is the insane one? I ended up with flu on top of that.. I was so ill over Christmas and I had to force myself to go out one night because you had started sulking again… you went in a bad mood…
    YOU DID. YOU WENT IN THE MOOD … NOT ME
    Many times after you have created like this I have asked you to leave and stupid me does ask you back… I sort of feel sorry for you and wonder what the hell happened in your life to make you so mean….I try to text you… and I either get back
    FUCK OFF AND DIE or GOODBYE HAVE A GOOD LIFE
    Who is insane? The so called being in the forces (which I now do not believe )even if you had there are hundreds of men that have done the same and not ended up as nasty as you. My sister’s boyfiend who served in the army, for example has been there done it even been asked if he is a baby killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so that shit doesn’t add up.!
    You have thumped me in the face because I was trying so hard to get you to understand and believe me that I had not shagged some bloke … you still to this day won’t believe me…. I kept telling you and telling you as you were kicking off so badly… you thumped me in the face….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID THAT!
    You then went on self destruct and drowned yourself in vodka … I came and got you as I thought you must have felt really bad about hitting ME!!! (yes I suppose I must be insane.) But I loved you and I didn’t want you to feel bad about what you had done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would that not prove anything to you?
    NO
    It goes on:-
    Mimi was very ill when we went away this last time …in fact it was a nightmare for all of us….. Mimi had gasturenturitus and NEEDED a vet….. she was being sick every 20 minutes 4 or 5 times and that went on all night and morning…. the vet said she would get dehydrated…. you said she was just like a human being not feeling too well and been sick and that she would get over it and that you had tummy ache aswell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was desperately ill and would have needed to stay in hospital if I had not taken her back the second time…… what did you do… YOU WENT IN A MOOD. YOU DID NOT TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT. YOU SAT OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM ON YOUR LAPTOP ALL NIGHT. NOT ONCE DID YOU COME AND SEE IF WE WERE OK. THE NEXT MORNING YOU SAID WE ARE GOING
    YOU DID NOT TALK TO US THE WHOLE WAY HOME. YOU GOT IN THE HOUSE AND LAY ON THE SOFA ALL DAY WATCHING MOVIES.
    I am amazed at myself that I have kept running back to you as these are just a few things that have happened. I thought things would get better but they JUST GOT WORSE.
    We got a house together and you stay away more.. or longer… you think when I say I don’t like us being apart that I am being needy…… I DIDN’T NEED YOU … I just wanted us to be together like any normal couple. Just normal and happy. On the odd occasion you were lovely but as time goes by all these things you have said and done and the fact that you can only go 2 days of being nice just isn’t right for me to sit and wait for you to come home to get a barrage of shit.
    I cannot win. When I try to tell you how I feel you see me as being needy. Or you scream and shout at me and TELL ME I AM BEING horrid…. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME… AND YES IT IS HORRID …. You need to take responsibility for what you say and do.
    If you hadn’t of wanted a relationship then why did you want to move in with me the day you split up with your ex … I know you didn’t because I said it was too early and that I did not want to be the reason for you two splitting up. It was my suggestion that you stay in one of the cabins…. I mean we had not even been out for a drink together….. Maybe this is what you have done with somebody else….!!! I mean at least you can stick to your so called rule of not cheating eh?!
    Why get a house together??!!! I was lonely yes. But that’s not me being needy….you didn’t like the idea of me going out with Trevor and that lot as you would have thought I was having an affair so I didn’t do that. So I couldn’t win. COULD I?
    One time where we lived at the time… early days when I was in the demo home, there was a power cut… a few people came down to see if I was ok.. as I was on my own.. they had brought candles.. within half an hour half the park was there with candles and they had all brought their own glasses of wine….. you called that night and thought I was having a bloody party… needless to say the following day you were moody on the phone and we ended up falling out!!!! And yet again I had to call you…. !
    When I saw loads of messages from people wanting to be your fuck buddy…. you fell out with me!!! You went on about if I didn’t trust you and all sorts you were quite happy then for me to fuck off and die if I didn’t believe you…. you told me your so called mates had done it !!!! And they knew all your dates of birth and passwords….. I came crawling back to YOU!
    Compare the two????? Is that fair!??? CAN YOU NOT SEE IT!!!!!
    You will not take responsibility for what you have said and done as you do not even like me repeating it. I bring these FEW instances up because HOW DARE YOU AFTER TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT DARE YOU EVER SAY THAT I AM INSANE
    YOU HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE ARGUEMNTS. YOU HAVE MADE ME CRY WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO SHOCKED AT YOUR OUTBURSTS. YOU HAVE STOOD THERE AND GLARED AT ME WITH YOUR EVIL EYES AND JUST WALKED PAST ME WHEN I AM IN PAIN AND IN TEARS.
    IN ALL CASES IT HAS RESORTED IN ME ASKING YOU TO LEAVE. BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME.
    You have tried to punish me by going quiet, for disappearing for hours on end, by not talking to me for days and I have crawled back to you…. thinking and hoping you would see the light and change….
    YOU and only YOU have created ALL these situations.
    I know now if you were to send a reply you would still only pick out the bits where I call you cruel or nasty….. You have a problem if you do not get it!
    And as per usual you iwll only see it as my fault as I switched my phone off…… that’s ALL I DID…. None of anything you have done…. you said you would call me at 10pm…. it got to well past 11 and I just could not understand why a little txt message saying call you in a bit babe, or can’t ring you tonight speak tomorrow would have done…. but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! And I am sitting waiting for you to come back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Not even a sorry babe , sorry I couldn’t ring you, NEVER A SORRY IS THERE?!
    …. and as I go forward and carry on with my own little life I realise that the person living in the bubble is YOU.
    May you continue to drink away and live in your make believe world where everything wrong is somebody else’s fault.
    You suck up all the goodness, kindness and love from people who want to love you and you leave them empty, heartbroken and confused as to why somebody they loved treated them worse than a piece of dog shit.
    I left all the items of mine because they were all given when you didn’t actually give a shit about me really. The last few tops you brought back as gifts you never even gave them to me …you threw them at me.
    I loved you so much and wanted us to be together maybe you just do not like being a real relationship… I don’t know… you always run to the Hills doing a disappearing act, change your phone just to get away … not sure if you can take onboard what you have done! Or what you think I have done to you!! I just could not take anymore…
    I doubt very much the Betty Boop toilet bag was for you and I imagine you are doing the same immoral crap to somebody else… and as your ex once said to me Good Luck… I say the same to the next poor sod that happens to fall for your SHIT. As in a year’s time you will have argued and left more times than I will have taken Mimi out for walks and I will be happily over you, living in my own home with or without somebody …. in Europe somewhere, my choices are endless……but Happy… restful and not worried about when you maybe coming come home and what mood you will be in…. and comforted to know that I will just have some tranquillity for more than 2/3 days at a time and my family will be happy to see me looking healthy and happy and as gorgeous as I was before I met you.
    I read this and I still can not believe I was with a N. and yet I read all the painfull emails from everybody and feel so sick that people are going through it… Soooo confused.

  • Nik
    October 1, 2013

    Sorry it duplicated… In a bad place at the mo…

  • Nik
    October 1, 2013

    P.S i read this back and I can not believe MY language…!!! is there any hope!

  • Sheila
    October 4, 2013

    Thank you for this.

    My spouse was diagnosed with NPD last year. The past eight years, he’s been calling me his ex but every time I file for a divorce or separation there has always been some reason for me to stay to help him (he’ll lose his job, he’ll file a lawsuit, or money will go missing or I’ll lose access to it, he’ll file bankruptcy, his father is sick….something). I filed for a divorce this year because I learned that he had put his sister up to stalking me for the past 22 years. The stalking has cost my business. The smear campaign has hurt my reputation.

    It’s been bad. We signed the separation agreement last week but he’s finding every excuse to put the divorce off into next year (the latest excuse is it will save him money on taxes). He refuses to honor the agreement. He doesn’t want to move out of the house (despite the agreement). Worse, he thinks we will get remarried once the divorce is final.

    The day before we signed the agreement, he entered into therapy for the third time. In the past, he’d quit only to pretend to be going. He’s sending me sexually suggestive emails. He claims to want me (for the first time in years). He swears up and down that he’s changing. It is confusing.

    This post made me realize that he isn’t changing. There are moments when he’ll tantrum, especially if I try to install measures to protect myself from the stalking. He’ll fly into a childish rage, threaten to quit therapy, and tell me how he helped his sister stalk me (e.g. mailing her a key to the house, putting the GPS box on my car, calling her to tell her when I was meeting male colleagues for lunch). Then he’ll say he was joking.

    I guess the point is that things are bad and you gave me much needed clarity here. He’s not serious about changing if he’s still raging and lying to me.

    Thank you.

  • Candace Kelley
    October 25, 2013

    I want to thank Melanie Tonia Evans for being a critical part of my healing from my NPD ex husband and ex boyfriend. I feel tons better after about 6 weeks of intense self care, honest self reflection, and meditation. I am still a work in progress, but I now know after accepting the reality of what really happened to me and that mine stemmed from past childhood hurts (narcissistic father). Week by week I began to hurt less and less. I stopped drinking alcohol and set realistic spiritual and personal goals for myself. I have already started a few. My kids are also better. Knowledge is power. I thank God for everything I’ve learned through both books and all the newsletters!

  • jan
    November 12, 2013

    I am always amazed at the similarities and the lengths the N will go to! I just received an email from my N ( three weeks after the most cruel discard imaginable) saying he missed me and wants to hold me and cry and cry with me. NO apologies or remorse…I have actually left town for a month because the smear campaign was so awful..but he makes no mention of any of that. I actually found myself wavering and wanting to reply….I quickly re-read this check list to help keep up my resolve.I have only been out of this relationship a few weeks and have filed for divorce even though I still feel as though I love him with my whole heart. I am devastated and still in shock at his betrayals ( which he adamantly denies). I am so grateful for this resource and support as I try to find solid ground and regain my life.

  • Kurt W
    December 17, 2013

    I’m curious, after reading your post (which is GREAT btw), regarding “Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse”, isn’t it true that if your partner…or better yet, your soon to be ex, is a true narcissist, that these 6 steps would be meaningless, and that they would be incapable of attaining any of these 6 steps? Just throwing my 2 cents in there…having now been divorced to what is in my opinion, a full blown narcissist for 4 yrs, thankfully.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 17, 2013

      Hi Kurt,

      there are narcissists who can do a good job at feigning the above, and being accountable. The difference between them and non-personality disordered people is that it will NOT hold.

      And the next bout of atrocious behaviour escalates when the mask cracks again.

      That is great that you have divorced and got clear.

      Mel xo

      • Kurt W
        December 27, 2013

        Melanie,
        Thank you SO much for replying. My ex must be in the personality disordered. The mask cracks has shown themselves again, and yet I truly feel as though I have NOT gotten clear yet because I am co-parenting a 10 yr old with this person. I have my work cut out for me. And speaking of being accountable, in my personal experience, my ex went to one counseling session while we were still married, and refused to go back, because in retrospect, she was unable to manipulate that particular counselor. This only occurred to me months later….Thanks again and appreciate your posts and site. It helps me greatly to read and re-read on this subject tmatter.

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  • Susan
    March 5, 2014

    I was free from my narcissist the summer of2012, in sept. Of 2012, he made his curtain call and I went back? Melanie is so right, it ended very ugly and worst then ever before. Apparently, his new girl friend was moving in, she lives in a different state, yet he neglected to tell me, I just spent 3 weeks on vacation with him, Dec 2013. 5 days later he is with her, and blipped off the planet for a week. I knew, so went into his email and saw it all.
    I emailed the woman, who had no clue about me. When she confronted him, he tell her I had to be sure, But I love you! She was moving in thought she was the winner.
    I decided to get myself checked out by a doctor, Yes, you guess it, STD. not a good picture, told the girl, but not sure what she decided.
    God saved me, I tried to save her. I did my civic duty.
    Going to therapy, to release my anger and rebuild my life.
    There will never be another curtain call.

  • Juju
    March 23, 2014

    I am in a quandry. My husband seems to have quite a few narcissistic traits, but it’s been very subtle and manageable, though I have found I have to dodge certain issues and not bring up others. Usually I am told that I am too sensitive or misreading his body language. I dont think he is a pathilogical liar, and he is “the family man ” personified. He helps out at home with our teo kids, one of whom is disabled all of the time. In fact his whole life is work and home. He doesnt really have any friends other than the occasional lunch with a coworker. He has a lot of ocd ish behavior, systems of how to do chores, where things go, etc. He xoesnt call me names or anything, but he is obviously frustrated when the cabinets or the fridge have things in places he doesnt want them in, and every day or so, he will mumble under his breath while shuffling things around. When I told him it felt like nitpicking, he told me that I dont call him out on stuff enouh. So rather than lightening up on me, he wanted me to come down hard on him. But other than really small, non threatening issues,I really cant. He doesnt have too many grandiose ideas. Hed like to be an author of a book, but he hasnt gotten very far in the past. He also used to want to open a beef stand or invent something. But he doesnt talk much about how great he is or about big dreams. These were brief mentions in the past. He thinks everyone has ulterior motives and favors must be done in kind. If someone gives something to him, you have to give something of equal value back, even if its family or friends. He has a set of standards that he thinks everyonr should follow, thouh he wont necessarily tell you you HAVE to follow them. It is what “he would do”. However he does have a aura of superiority and “better thought processes ” and will often ask me if Ive thought something through. He dotes on the girls, takes care of them, takes over so I can get some rest. However every time I want to go somewhere slightly far away or overnight, I get told no. This last time, I spent months to plan for a five day trip to attend a training to help my autistic daughter. When I put my foot down and said that I was going, he threatened that I would come back to a completely different marriage, and the next day told me that he thought I need to attend counseling because I reacted angrily Nd he had never seen “that person ” before. Oh and that we WOULD need counseling after I got myself together (assuming because I was the one with a problem). Oh and recommended that Ifind someone who can prescribe meds. When I finally backed down because I was having panic attacks, he told me how that was the right thing to do and how he would then go to counseling with me. Also wanted to give me a hug. He has since noticed that I am not so warm and interactive with him, and he has been more warm and loving again. I know that that was abusive, but I dont know if he is just a control freak or a narc. He does bring up things which I dont remember doing, but they are things that could have been just a miscommunication, especially since I AM ADD. I also tend to back down on things which might be taken as acquiesing to something he wants. Nothing he says I have agreed to is anything outside the realm of possibility, so I cant say for sure hes gaslighting me. And 95% of the time, things are fine. But he givea a lot of “advice” whether you want it or not and questions how you’ve thought things theough properly. He’s got enough symptoms but not enough to make me say that he is a narc. Can anyone help me? He’s always asking if I need a break from the girls, he plays with them and seems to guess what my nonverbal child might be feeling. So he cuts hwr shirt tags cause they might be scratchy or he’ll stretch hwr shirt sleeves because they might be too tight. So this looks like empathy. However I also see that oftentimes he assumes what they are feeling is what HE would feel. So is this being helpful and empathetic eor is it projection? Also, if I forget to attend to someof these things including spraying her nose when shes congested, he gets very mad at me and levtures me, so I lie sometimes and make a mental note to not forget nwxt time. Right now, my kids are young, so maybe it is harder to tekl at this age? Is it possible for a narc to be the perfect martyr without saying he is a martyr? He doesnt throw anything in my face about what he does, and lots of times he appears loving and considerate. If he was a full blown narc like other storiez here, it would be easier to see. But he is quiet and very controlled, not the outburst type of guy. But he is suspicious and does everyhing the right way. There are times when he accepts that he waswrong or that he nade an error. But these are minor things. He also is acknowledging his body aging, but doesnt seem too upset by it. Ack! I just dont know what to do, and I have kids, one of whom has two diagnoses and needs constant care. I have no job and no family to live with. How do I do this? I went to a domestic violence session and have a few more to go. Bht if its a narc I am dealing with, I need to make permanent plans, not temporary. And I have to play clueless until I can go. If he is “just” a contolling person, then maybe a temp place with an ultimatum would be ok. Gosh! So hard too when they are only “a little controlling”. I am not restricted frim my friends UNTIL we have a blowout, and then U cant air private business. Sigh!

  • Juju
    March 23, 2014

    By the way, I just reread what I wrote. Gosh, was THAT rambling! I had a hard time reading it myself. Hope you all were able to understand it and not have a headache afterwards! That and the typos galore!

  • Ambar
    May 11, 2014

    Hi,
    I am writing this as a completely shattered, hollowed out, zombified corpse of man. Before I met my N, I was in the best physical, mental, and spiritual shape of my life. And while I don’t blame her for my weak boundaries, I now see and understand how her NPD-tatics convinced me to give up some of the dearest things / activities I loved. I now feel empowered, and can understand why every loving, compassionate, and forgiving action I showed her was never met with reciprocation.

    My story (brief version):

    In 2008, our relationship started off purely as friends bonding over a common experience – we were both going through a divorce. We bonded quickly and furiously. It wasn’t after a few months that we started to become physically intimate. A few weeks later, and she demanded we live together. She even used the tactic, “If you love me, then you should be wiling to move-in with me.”

    Once she was in my life on a more permanent basis, the real abuse began. Of course, I chalked it up as “relationship problems”, and did the best I could to work things out with her in a civil manner. Over time, her compassionate veneer that baited me wore off, and what was underneath was the exact opposite of what she portrayed during our friendship.

    But did I wise up and leave? No, because I was convinced through her words that we were “soul mates” and in the wake of my recent divorce, I desperately sought companionship on a more permanent level. It seemed she was the answer to my prayers.

    We married in 2011. And then her abuse really kicked into high gear. She accused me of “crushing her dreams of family” when I took classes to pursue medical school…in spite of my actions to show her that I would be willing to entertain the school-family balance. She insulted my parents. She insulted my family. She raped every part of me…physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    In February of 2013, she told me she kissed another man. I was shocked, numb, and heart-broken. I was never the perfect husband, but I tried to be her companion/friend in all things. This should have taken the cake and I should have left, but I didn’t. When I asked to make a choice, she “chose” me. Later I would find out that she slept with him the day after Valentine’s day (the anniversary of our engagement), and then went with him on a week-long romp in the beginning of March.

    Through divine intervention, I found about this affair before she came home. It was if the LORD told me, “Ambar, she is cheating on you with him. Leave her NOW!”

    Did I listen? NOPE. I stayed for another year…all the while enduring more abuse, accepting the blame that her affair was my fault, feeling more and more rejected each and every time I reached out to her for compassion, empathy, remorse, acknowledgement, and reconciliation of the pain – not only in me, but between us.

    Finally, it took another form of divine intervention, my Dad, to help me break away from this person. He convinced me to file for divorce on 4/4/2014.

    And so now I am waiting, albeit patiently, for the divorce to be finalized. On 6/4/2014, I will breathe again, once more as a free man…no longer tied to an incarnate of Lilith (a demon in Judeo-Christian theology).

    I say all of that to say this: Melanie, your website, information, research, videos, E-books, audiobooks, and even this blog have been nothing short of providence. I literally ran across your website by accident a week ago, and listen to your audiobooks whenever I feel a moment of weakness coming on.

    I must say first THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! The level of peace and understanding I gain from reading your articles not only empowers me, it provides me with a much needed sense of acknowledgement and relief that I had sought from my ex-N.

    You are 100% spot-on with capturing the entire hellish experience – from the bliss, to the slow descent into madness, and then into the overwhelming despair that comes with realizing you have entered into an existence racked with pain, doubt, anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

    At this point, I am in the withdrawal phase of my NPD abuse. I am numb, but yet can feel pain everywhere. There are days where I cry in anguish to God to have mercy on me and end my life. There are days where the feeling of freedom washes over me, and I feel the empowerment of me leaving. And there are still other days where I experience complete and utter self-doubt…did I do the right thing? What if the demise of the relationship was really all my fault? What if she was right about me – that I am a loser and incapable of having a enduring relationship.

    And yet, through all of this…and this is my point…Melanie’s words are like a life-raft in a hurricane…akin to Tom Hanks in the movie “Cast Away”.

    So to all those that are new to this struggle, or are in between rocks-and-hard places, be courageous, and do not be ashamed of your position, whatever it may be.

    As it is said by Solomon, “This too shall pass.” And then finally in the book of Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous, and know that God is with you.”

    Love is the strongest force in the Universe, and so Melanie, thank you for providing a loving, safe environment where wounded souls can come and find rest, restoration, and courage to face another day. The love and intention you put into your healings is real, genuine, not inappropriate, and effective.

    Thank you so, so much.

    Thank you to all everyone else for reading this.
    Ambar

  • emma
    May 25, 2014

    Hi everyone ,

    Have just realised tonight my husband of 7 years is a N… I actually thought he was a psycopath until I found this site . …. i asked him to leave 8 weeks ago , which after 3 days he did . BUT in the last 8 weeks I have had THE most awful abuse , threats , death threats , he has called every friend of mine and distorted what they say . Am at my wits end to be honest . I have cut myself off from all friends except 2 , as the betrayal I feel from them is horrific , but i know deep down it is him, cunning , calculating and evil . We have every gate to our property with chains and locks on them . I have had phones changed and trackers taken off the vehicles as he seems to always know where I am going . He is NOT a pleasant individual , and is extremely capable of anything .Yet is so bloody charming and fabulous to anyone new meeting him . I am strong , well I think I am , so will not be going back . This feeling in the beginning is awful though . And is it wrong that I almost get a feeling of excitement when i get a text or email ….I not sure if it is excitement of nerves ………. I have given up my hobby which took up a huge part of my life , as he ruined it and started throwing it in my face , even though he bought everything and supported it at the beginning . So I now have huge anguish and upset as I am now selling my beautiful , fabulous horses , as I have no enthusiasm anymore …..I dont really know where I am going with this but just felt the need to write something

  • Kay
    June 3, 2014

    Melanie,

    I thank you and other professionals that have taken on this difficult subject. I have been researching this for the last couple of weeks and I think that this article handled the subject even better than most. For the people out there like myself it is vital to be able to go to these tools to be able to grasp ahold of the truth and to try and do everything in our power to start implementing our own recovery!. This is excruciatingly difficult journey! I know for myself that although I started my marriage out at a young age and probably had some co-dependency issues I was much stronger with my boundaries 36 years ago then I am today. It’s as if living with my N/x husband spun deeper and deeper into the “drug” of co-dependency until I didn’t even recognize myself. After 35 years of his serial cheating, his violent temper, his manipulation and apologies I finally had the strength to leave him and I filed for divorce without even giving him anytime to try and manipulate me once again. Once I took that step for me there was no backing out and no amount of his tears or begging worked on me.
    After a year of trying to get healthy and strong, I was so very lonely and started dating. Only to find myself with someone that as far as the controlling aspect of it may be even worse! After 3 months of my “NOT” being able to put down boundaries I started researching why I can’t say no, why am I so afraid of making “ripples” in a new relationship that obviously is another one that will only bring me pain.
    I believe the N is so good in the beginning of zeroing in on your needs and giving you the affirmation or whatever it is that you need only to pull it away to try and control. Or they just can’t maintain it being about anyone else but them for any substantial amount of time. Anyways, I put my big girl panties on and as scared and hesitant as I was gave him a couple big boundaries the other day. I am now getting the silent treatment and although at times I second guess myself, I know I have to be strong and see how this plays out. If it’s over its over and probably for the best. The key for me will be to do as your article said and find the healthier, happier me, To learn to make it about my needs and desires and not a 200% focus on the other person and what I need to give them. It’s going to be a hard journey but for the first time I think I’m worth it.

    PS: Sorry this is so long,

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  • Andy
    September 6, 2014

    Dude, you should have left after you caught her cheating the first time around. I woman cheating on a man is a graver offense than the other way around. It’s the equivalent of a man physically abusing a woman to the point of breaking her bones. It’s a complete disregard for the other partners safety in a relationship for either one to occur and there should be zero tolerance for either.

  • Keisha
    September 22, 2014

    Hey, Friends, it’s really sad and touching what we go though this days in our relationship. I have been in relationships affected by pains and depression for years, both sides (I was depressed, but thanks to God, am now a happy woman today with the help of someone). It’s sad to say, but I have lots of experiences on this subject. If you’re interested, I’d share them with you, so that you can forever be happy in your relationship and be happy with the person you love. You can write to my email address: keishapeeter@gmail.com , hope you’re holding up!

    Keisha

  • Andy
    September 30, 2014

    Melanie writes:

    I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behaviour, have had their near death experience (wake up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy and addressed their inner toxic issues causing their narcissistic behaviour, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive ….

    This healing process Melanie writes about is talked about in Alice Miller’s book Drama of the Gifted Child. However, I think people with full blown NPD have a deeply addictive maladaptive approach to life which is probably only cured through divine intervention (like a genuine near death experience) or something of that magnitude.

    The reason why we fall in love with narcissistic personality people is because we sense they are suffering and feel for them. I think the love we feel for them will be appreciated by the EVENTUALLY, just likely not in this lifetime (or not on this earthly plane).

  • Kimber
    November 6, 2014

    I really need help here because I am desperate. I started going to a therapist and she is the one that told me that my ex boyfriend was a narcissist. What I am having trouble with is, maybe I misrepresented him and if that is the case, then, am I the narcissist?

    We broke up in mid-july because, as he put it, “I wasn’t ready.” I was basically too fat and my weight loss program was not working fast enough, I didn’t wear short dresses all the time, I couldn’t afford new lingerie for our role playing etc. When he broke up with me, he insisted that he was not going to see anyone else and that he would be, “there to un-wrap me” when I got to my goal weight. He then proceeded to tell me that the people at his work didn’t understand why he was with me and they found someone who was a better fit for him, an ex cheerleader who works out four days a week, and then he showed me her facebook photos.

    He insisted that he was not going to date her and that we just needed space so I could, “work on” me. We were basically friends with benefits for the next two months when he told me that her dad was in rehab and that she needed him but after the 30 days was over, he would dump here and we would get back together. In that month he told me that he loved me and that I was the most important person in his life and that he didn’t want to lose me and that we were soul mates.

    After the 30 days was up, he was still seeing her and me. I told him it was either me or her and then he said, “I chose no one. All of you just leave me alone.” a couple weeks later I initiated no contact. He left voicemails saying that I was “launching a slanderous campaign” against him and that he didn’t even want to be friends with me anymore and that I drove him closer to the new girl and that he didn’t know me anymore and he didn’t know why he wasted so much time with me but then at the end of the voicemail he would say that if I valued our relationship/friendship, I would stop ignoring him and call him. The new girl and her friends are stalking my Facebook and my pinterest now and that is definitely freaking me out. I know that he is too, but he is much more inconspicuous than they are.

    It has been ten days of no contact and he has not contacted me in seven. I messed up and peeked at his facebook today and he has a picture of her and him all happy together but he changed his cover photo to a picture taken on of one of our adventures together. That really messed me up.

    I really really miss him. I guess my questions are: Is he really a narcissist? Did I mess the relationship up? Is he ever going to contact me again? Is there a chance that I could fix it and he would come back to me? Is he really happy with her? Am I bat-chit crazy?

    I know that some of you are saying that it doesn’t matter whether he is one or not, but I feel like I really need to know. Because if he is not, I am the one that destroyed this relationship and I am the crazy one and I need to make changes in my life to avoid making this mistake of destroying my relationship up, again or I will be extremely lonely and unhappy for the rest of my life. This whole situation has put my life on hold and is slowly dismantling my life piece by piece. I feel desperate and hopeless.

  • Teresa
    November 22, 2014

    Is there a place on the website, or a particular post which deals with specific difficulties letting go if the narcissist is your mother

    Thank you for the site and this post. It has opened my eyes to the fact that continuing to accept N’s in my life means that I am abusing myself. Also, that speaking and living my truth is critical.

    Teresa

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