Melanie Tonia Evans

Love Bombing – When It’s Too Good To Be True

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0

When a narcissist comes into your life it is like being hit by a freight train.

One day you were going about your everyday life, and within a very short amount of time, before you could even catch your breath you were swept up into an entirely differently reality.

Gary Zukav makes reference to a Hindu poem “Destruction never appears weapon in hand. It comes slyly on tiptoe, making you see bad in good, and good in bad”.

Narcissists come in hard, they come in fast, and once a narcissist has decided that you are a target, he or she doesn’t waste time.

The process almost all narcissists know how to use very well is known as ‘love-bombing’. It is a powerful tool.

Wikipedia describes ‘love bombing’ as this:

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. The phrase can be used in different ways. Members of the Unification Church (who reportedly coined the expression) use or have used it themselves to mean a genuine expression of friendship, fellowship, interest, or concern. Critics of cults use the phrase with the implication that the “love” is feigned and the practice is manipulative. It has also been used to refer to abusers in romantic relationships showering their victims with praise, gifts, and affection in the early stages of a relationship.

In this article I will explain how narcissists use love bombing throughout a relationship (especially in the early stages) in order to hook you, as well as how to CLEARLY identify the signs of love bombing and RUN AWAY before it’s too late.

 

The Narcissist’s Reality Before You Came Into the Picture

Let’s start with the background of where the narcissist has come from before he or she begins to plot how to get you into their world.

The narcissist is likely to have had narcissistic supply dry up, or is in the process of devaluing and discarding a former source of narcissistic supply. This means that the narcissist is looking to build new sources of supply.

Narcissists have no True Self – their inner self has been completely engulfed by the False Self. Therefore any reverence for life – love, compassion, empathy, integrity and genuine connection is null and void.

Because of the narcissist’s barren and internal emptiness he or she needs mirroring to survive. His or her flagging and erratic self-worth and self-value is precariously balanced on the need for outside attention.

To be without narcissistic supply (attention) is the difference between emotional life and death for a narcissist. The narcissist’s internalised wounds often resulting from the unhealed wounds sustained from the mother (or sometimes the father or other authority figures) are relentless. These are the ‘voices’ that continually tell the narcissist ‘you are no good’, ‘you are worthless’, ‘you are a total failure in life’, ‘you don’t deserve to exist’.

The narcissist does not have the resources to deal with, process or heal this inner terminal self-degradation, because he or she dismissed the True Self and created a False Self in its place.

This False Self is pathological – it is false. And through this faux self which requires constant stimulation and reinforcement of the narcissist’s grandiose version of himself (to escape inner constant torment) people are needed to feed this fake construction.

Normal life disappointments can be processed by people who are non-narcissists with relative ease. A narcissist does not have the inner mechanics to deal with ‘disappointments’ ‘set backs’ or the confronting of his or her ‘reality’ – that he or she is in fact imperfect and not the grandiose false version that is presented to the world.

Constant narcissistic supply is necessary to avoid him or herself, as a bottomless and never-ending quest to escape dealing with the emotional annihilation of what the narcissist really feels about him or herself.

A narcissist low on narcissistic supply needs to secure narcissistic supply as soon as possible. This will be his or her all-consuming focus.

And this is where love bombing comes into play…

 

The Difference Between Neediness and Pathological Narcissism

You must understand that the narcissistic emotional ‘love’ model is not the normal human one we know. Narcissists are insatiably needy. We know there are ‘needy’ people in the world – but the normal human version of ‘needy’ bares very little resemblance to a narcissist’s neediness.

Needy people are needy people, and have low self-esteem and deficient self-emotional resources, but they are not the pathological, relentless and lethal version of ‘neediness’ that the narcissist is.

Needy people are often very unskilled at the art of persuasion and romance, and may be very off-putting in their advances. It has often been said neediness is the worst cologne – and this is very true. ‘Normal’ needy people often don’t secure love relationships quickly because people are repelled by their shaky advances.

The narcissist is a completely different ball game. He or she is the most needy of all the needy people (requiring narcissistic supply like a heroin addict requires heroin), and his or her literal emotional survival has depended on acquiring narcissistic supply.

Therefore the narcissist has been able to intricately learn and perfect the craft of how to secure narcissistic supply – quickly, flawlessly and expertly. Narcissists appear to be very confident, and very much ‘in their power’ when romancing and wooing you.

 

Intense Idealisation

Those who understand narcissistic behaviour realise the intense cycle of idealisation (adoring) and devaluing (abhorring).

The start of a love bombing episode with a narcissist is TOTAL idealisation. Valuable and consistent sources of narcissistic supply are necessary for the narcissist to escape into his or her magical world again of being adored, special, unique and ‘wonderful’.

When a narcissist decides a love partner is a valuable source of narcissistic supply – he or she will completely overrate, idealise this person and put them on a pedestal.

In the narcissist’s pathological landscape this offers the ‘greatest bang for buck’, that he or she has secured the most intelligent, creative, good looking, amazing, wealthy, resourceful or incredible source of supply possible.

The narcissist convinces him or herself (narcissist’s have incredible child-like imaginations) how INCREDIBLE this source of supply is.

This is how the narcissist highly values the narcissistic supply he or she has just ‘won’.

Inevitably the initial adoring comes at a very high price for the person who has been secured for narcissistic supply, and the fall, the devaluing is imminent – when the False Self is not being fed exactly what it requires – and the previously adored partner will be devalued and discarded.

This will always happen, because any critique, ‘slight’ real or imagined, or differing opinion undermines the narcissist’s grandiose version of self and is interpreted as the narcissist as a complete attack and possible annihilation on his or her precarious emotional foundation.

Once narcissistic supply has dried up, or the narcissist is confronted too often with his tormented inner self, without ‘the right’ narcissistic supply from you as relief, the narcissist has the ability to switch relationships quickly, just as he or she can completely change jobs, lifestyle and communities. All source of narcissistic supply which are not cutting the grade are dispensable.

 

Unhealthy Romantic Behaviour

Unfortunately there have been too many romantic movies, books and songs written about undying instant love, and couples getting together quickly, romantically and living happily ever after.

I am not saying this isn’t possible – but it certainly is not probable, and if you have ever been narcissistically abused then it is TOTALLY not worth the risk of EVER falling into an instant relationship in the future.

The truth is if what has presented to you is a real relationship, then absolutely it will stand the test of time, and you are narc-proofing yourself by taking your time.

This is not about being paranoid; it is about being a mature, sensible and healthy adult.

Someone who moves very quickly to secure you into a relationship and / or a sexual connection is not someone who is sensible or mature themself and is not being mindful about the long term implications of a relationship.

It is obvious they are also not concerned with empathy for you – in regard to the long term consequences of a relationship.

Such as ‘I don’t want to rush things before I am really sure, and play with this person’s heart and emotions. I want to be really sure, so I don’t unnecessary hurt this person or myself.’

Rushing, which of course includes love bombing are all the signs of instant gratification which narcissists are famous for (I need energy / attention / drama / stuff now and quickly to avoid my inner demons and tortured true self.)

Anyone who puts their heart on their sleeve immediately, or asks you for a committed relationship after one date (or even a few), or starts showering you with intense and incredible compliments straight away is VERY suspect.

This is NOT what normal healthy adults do.

When a narcissist is in the courting phase of securing narcissistic supply, he or she thrusts all available energy at the target of new narcissistic supply. The narcissist is full of energy, excited, and very forthcoming with future dreams and plans (which of course are everything you want to hear). Energy, gifts, compliments, effort, charms, talents and emotions are lavished on the new target.

The narcissist is a chameleon. He or she is able to mould, shape-shift and become anything that you want him or her to be. The narcissist has no real dreams, passions, preferences and certainly no real human values. Everything that the narcissist has crafted in his or her life has been for one reason only which is to secure narcissistic supply.

This is why so many people report that the narcissist seemed to have the exact same viewpoints, goals, future dreams, values and aspirations as themselves. All of this was false, the narcissist actually has no identity for him or herself, the narcissist steals identities to know he or she exists.

You need to know the narcissist is a pathological liar. If he or she is speaking, or writing an email or text you have absolutely no way to know whether or not the information is a lie. The narcissist is engulfed by an all pervasive False Self – which means this person is a phony – through and through.

What you can be sure of is every statement the narcissist makes – true or false (which is totally irrelevant to the narcissist) – is driven by the all-consuming need to acquire and contain narcissistic supply.

You need to GET REAL, this person showering you with compliments and attention does not even know you.

He or she has no idea until getting to know you whether or not you would make a good partner (which is exactly what you should be thinking as well) and this due-diligence takes time. It necessitates getting to know someone first (as a friendship first) to ascertain and build a healthy synopsis from.

The truth is narcissists aren’t worried about all the details of a long-term relationship. A narcissist is simply concerned with securing narcissistic supply as quickly as possible.

For some reason you fit this bill. You have great positive energy – which the narcissist can drain, you are attractive and intelligent – which is a good fit for the narcissist’s ego to show off, you fall for the narcissist’s charms – which means you will easily provide the narcissist with sex, you are successful and have resources – which the narcissist can start extracting from you…and the list goes on and on.

These are the things that make the narcissist exert his or her pathological laser like focus to do whatever it takes to secure you into a relationship – and as quickly as this can take place.

Being a narcissist and securing reliable and steady sources of narcissistic supply is exhausting, and his or her energies must secure a payoff and quickly.

For the narcissist it is about filling the need now, and making you as dependent as possible of him or her, so that he or she can extract narcissistic supply for as long as the narcissist chooses to.

Subconsciously (at least) narcissists know their relationships fall apart and are doomed to fail. Therefore the long view is not important.

 

Healthy Courting Behaviour

People who date healthily and who do have a True Self are not playing the game of needing instant gratification and needing to secure narcissistic supply.

They are mature and sensible enough to realise that a potential life long relationship takes time to ascertain, it takes time to get to know a person, and time to see if a love relationship could work healthily.

Mature, ‘normal’ adults do not start using excessive charm, target quickly and start professing all the reasons why you are so incredible, their soul mate, how much they love you and ‘where have you been all my life’, and all the reasons why ‘you are so different from all the others’.

They do not try to get in to an instant relationship with you – they take their time to get to know you.

They do not start sending incredible long romantic texts (that resemble something out of a movie or book), they do not write you exquisite love notes and letters, and they do not act out ‘over-the-top’ romantic statements and surprises.

Healthy mature adults may feel intense feelings of connection, but they will keep their cards to their chest for a while, they will see if these feelings are reciprocated by you, and they will play it gently and respectfully – and take their time.

In stark contrast narcissists will forge ahead, put it all on the line with love bombing and even when you tell them you are not ‘where they are at yet’ (if you aren’t) will carry on love bombing, telling you they have a right to declare their undying love, and don’t respect or hear that you may need some time to catch up to their feelings of ‘love’ (which appears to be ‘real’ but of course isn’t).

This is one of the surest ways you know you are with a narcissist. He or she will not back off on the love bombing if you don’t feel the same way.

The ‘romantic’ gestures, statements, text messages still continue and may even intensify.

Then if you don’t cave in to it, they may try to bully you, guilt you, confuse you, appeal to your compassion, frighten you (with threats of abandonment) or use another manipulative tactic to force you into succumbing.

You see a narcissist likes to win. He or she does not want to exert the force of love-bombing without securing the prize. To not win constitutes an enormous narcissistic injury. If it can’t be achieved by love-bombing, then cruel manipulation may ensue.

A non-narcissistic person, if they really wanted to develop a healthy relationship with you, would willingly back off, give you some time and respect ‘where you are at’.

A narcissist certainly won’t.

 

How to Flush Out a Narcissist When You Meet One

It is so important to not get caught up with love bombing, because being intensely idealised is one of the surest signs that further down the track you will be horrifically devalued and abused.

When you are the new source of narcissistic supply – the narcissist is high on his or her drug, and appears to be madly in love, incredibly attentive, adores you, worships you – and will tell you just how much you are adored and worshipped.

I know this can be incredibly difficult to accept at first, but you must be very clear, this love is not about ‘you’ as a person – it is about you being a supplier of the drug – narcissistic supply.  It was never about you, it was always point blank about the narcissist ONLY.

You were simply an object dispensing narcissistic supply, and in the early days you supplied it in great measure. Partially due to the fact that you felt so loved and adored by the perfect partner that you had wanted all your life, and because the narcissist is so ‘high’ on ‘what a fantastic source of supply you are’.

Non-narcissistic people know this as ‘feelings of obsession’ (even if we don’t want to admit it). To the narcissist it is TOTALLY about getting the DRUG – narcissistic supply.

Beware of someone asking you intense inner and personal questions.

Beware of the words “I want to know everything there is to know about you”.

This is a definite red flag especially when coupled with love bombing.

Narcissists enmesh, they ensnare, engulf and bond intensely and quickly. Any information derived from you is to know how best to control you as a source of narcissistic supply. And the narcissist will use this information mercilessly in the future to exact punishment on you when you are not maintaining his or her False Self sufficiently.

What you will find out down the track is just how important narcissistic supply is, and how unimportant you are in comparison.

You will discover the narcissist will lie, cheat and use any pathological method to get it and secure it. You will discover that when the narcissist is no longer having his or her ego stroked by you, that the brand of narcissistic supply will now become how much the narcissist can affect you, create fear, paranoia and pain within you, (negative attention serves the narcissist the same as positive attention) – this is when the narcissist will use projection to label you as all the things that he or she does not take responsibility for (lying, adultery, abuse, selfishness, manipulation, etc).

Where does ‘love’ come in to it now?

It doesn’t – the fact is it never did.

You will also discover that the narcissist will not hesitate to replace you with other sources of narcissistic supply, or seek ones out on the side if the drug you are providing is not up to scratch. (And it never can be consistently because the pathological False Self is never sufficiently appeased for any durable length of time).

So this is the awful eventuality if you end up with a narcissist – and the chances are if someone is love bombing you – this is EXACTLY what you are signing up for.

I believe in love – absolutely and so should you. But ONLY with mature, real people who actually do have a True Self and are capable of being real love.

So how do you know that someone is the real deal?

Watch and listen. Have you heart open, but be very sensible. Don’t fall for gushing and love bombing statements, or ostentatious favours, offering of gifts, assistance and over-the-top romantic compliments.

Make the remark and be firm about it “It’s far too soon to be saying  / offering that, you don’t even know me, and I don’t know you”.

Make it clear that you are in no hurry to enter a relationship and you would like to get to know someone first. Do not allow someone to sweep you off your feet, and force their way in to your life, bed and heart.

If the person attempting to do this does NOT HEAR YOU and pull up, and refrain from doing it – GET AWAY and STAY AWAY.

A few weeks (or even months) of spending time with someone – without having sex – and without making a commitment to be in a relationship is one of the healthiest moves you could ever do. If this person is keen and a genuine love connection with this person is possible – they will ABSOLUTELY respect your decision – and they will NOT continue to love bomb you with attention and adulation.

If this person is real and mature they will wish to walk this sensible line anyway.

If you meet someone who agrees to take their time with you – and you know they are present, able to be by themself, and don’t show signs of being in side relationships with others (which narcissists usually do) then this is a great sign that you are engaging with someone who is a True Self.

Obviously you need to have done enough work on yourself to not be needy (partners of narcissists are notoriously prone to ‘dependencies’), and to not be so empty or lonely that you want to rush things, and to not fear that this person will run off with someone who they can hook up with much quicker.

Anyone who has been narcissistically abused knows the gamble of letting someone enmesh with them quickly – and how in reflection the narcissist preyed on your vulnerabilities to make you dependent on him or her so that you could be targeted and snared for narcissistic supply, which of course set you up for soul-shattering abuse.

I know exactly how hard it is to get out – despite suffering the horrific devaluing and discarding episodes. Especially when dealing with an altruistic narcissist, I remember saying “If only this could change it would be perfect!”

Please understand a love relationship with a narcissist is merely an illusion, it was never real, and it is never going to be.

I hope this article has helped you get clear, and realise what was really taking place when you met the narcissist, and how to be very clear about people who use love bombing on you in the future.

I would love to hear your comments about this article, and I would also appreciate it very much if you pass this information on to help people avoid narcissists in the future.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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182 Thoughts on Love Bombing – When It’s Too Good To Be True
  • Jac
    March 7, 2013

    Wow! Exactly Mel! My head was spinning as this guy was full on! Charm, seduction, gifts (seemed to know what I liked, uncannily) talked ’til 3am sitting in his white car (prefer a white horse but never mind)! Lol! Cooked dinner, amazingly attentive, caring and then WAM’ abuse out of the blue (or should I say darkness). Interesting article, will contribute more soon as I want to read it again. X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Jac,

      Yes darling adore to abhore on a dime…and with no warning once the narcissistic injury occurs!

      Love to hear more from you later – and I hope you are loving your new place sweetie :)

      Mel xo

      • Michelle
        April 24, 2013

        Hi Melanie,

        You are so right it is scary! I just keep reading these notes over and over again to remind me, because he is still saying, GOd can change things” while he is having sex with the last women he cheated on me with. Thank God we are divorced! IT’s hard as you say, unfortunately at this time I cannot afford your program as he left me with nothing and bullied me into not asking for anything, I’m actually afraid of his family, they have threatened me. Anyway thank you and keep up the good work Melanie!

        Michelle

    • Thriftylady
      March 7, 2013

      What a wonderful article! The best I’ve ever read on the subject. After 13 years with a narcissist it only took 8 months after I deliberately stopped feeding into his unceasing demands for stroking, that he walked out the door. We are now divorced and he remarried almost instantly upon receiving the final divorce decree. I can see the whole pattern being repeated with his new wife and I grieve for her and her children. I know that if she hasn’t seen the “other side” of him yet, it won’t be long and he will eventually punish her for his dysfunction as he tried so hard to do with me. This type of narcissistic personality is poison to themself and to everyone they touch and truer words were never spoken than just before he left, he said to me that “I don’t even think I know what love is”. God bless you Melanie for your devotion to exposing this dark and malignant underbelly of the true narcissist.

      • JJ
        March 8, 2013

        Thriftylady – your post struck me as my ex N started out saying “I don’t know if I’m capable of love”…then suddenly started telling me he loved me…then a week before the phone call when he told me he had already started seeing someone else, started telling me again that he “didn’t know if he was capable of love”.

        Great article, wish we could share with the next supply but I tried and learned that they don’t want to know/believe and will be on one of these sites like us after the fact.

        • Laura
          July 24, 2014

          JJ, my ex (boyfriend, thank God I found the truth before he became more than that), said those same words a few times, and added “I don’t think I have ever been in love before… you!”.

    • Dana
      April 17, 2013

      I have been in a couple of narcisistic relationships in the past. OMG, I am 48 and just recently got introduced to someone… he was all of the above, charming, seductive, attentive, everything a girl ever wanted…. with lots of warning signs. After 6 wks of dating, I ended it. As tough as it was, I went with my gut and warning signs and ended it. I then saw him out one night, 3 wks later with a new target. Poor girl. I am so proud of myself.

    • N
      September 17, 2013

      I am so happy I found out what has been happening to me for the last YEAR. I was in a terribly abusive relationship with a man who I have a child with, and finally got away from him. I was out for A MONTH on my own, feeling AMAZING and I got hit with ANOTHER ONE (narcissist) who was just as bad or WORSE! I truly LOVE this man and he told me we were soulmates, that we would get married, have children, bah, blah,blah, LOVE BOMBED the F@#! outta me!! The honeymoon phase lasted a long time because this was a long distance relationship. He is a HUGE ego/personality and is in the public eye. I have been suffering in silence by this man. The devaluing and discard started a coupe mos ago, I only wanted to help him and be there for him, and when I point out ANYTHING wrong with him he RAGES abusively via text or email and then the AWFUL, DREADED, PAINFUL, AGONIZING punishment phase comes…..SILENT TREATMENT. I see the person underneath the MASK, and that is who I love, he will NEVER get that, and never admit to be broken inside. I am so glad to now know the truth, this man never loved me, never will. I changed my phone number and am starting the healing process. It hurts to think he was not my soulmate and was only pretending, but there is a reason I have NEVER connected that way with anyone…ITS NOT POSSIBLE!!! So glad I can finally have some peace, he NEVER gave me any answers EVER, just kept me confused. SO SO sad. Thanks for all the wonderful information, it all makes PERFECT sense.

      N

  • Milly
    March 7, 2013

    Why I keep going back and forth??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Milly,

      this is a very normal part of the addiction of being narcissistically abused, until we do heal and recover ourself.

      Here is an article that will help you understand this phenomenon http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/

      Also you can watch the video series which explains in detail in the welcome section of the blog…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Lynne
        March 22, 2013

        I am so glad to have found your website! I don’t have a support system and so, it is with a sigh of relief that I find myself being able to “lean” on you for much needed support…someone who validates the thoughts and feelings that I have had for years!
        My biggest problem in dealing and recognizing this guy as an N is that he was my first big crush during high school…45 years ago now. I hadn’t seen him in over 30 years when an old friend of mine, gave him my number. He looked me up, courted me, fulfilled all of my dreams and the minute I sold my house, gave up my career and moved in with him, 200 miles away…it wasn’t long before it all went to hell.
        Twelve years later, I am ready to leave and your website is helping me to stay strong, rather than backslide like I have always done in the past.
        Thank you!

  • Karen Lebuhn
    March 7, 2013

    After a 27 year marriage to a narcissist- and 2 years of therapy, my first date did just exactly what this article describes- love bombing! I had not dated any other man since 1984 and he had been divorced for 8 years… He said and did everything a woman with a depleted love tank wants to hear! My red flags were up and the very first time I asked HIM to get together… my dependency needs exposed and without 24 hours passing by…his undying attention and ‘help’ and dinners and texts and calls… Vanished! I was shocked! I went to therapy, Divorce Recovery and knew what a narcissist my ex husband was…and Bingo…was sought out by another narcissist cut from the same cloth!

    I am single and working on shoring up my self esteem- concentrating on boundaries and sniffing out future narcissistic love bombers!

    Thanks for clarity!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      You were very lucky this man departed and showed himself very quickly. Chances were a previous source of supply that he thought he had to replace was reinstated.

      Narcs use people to get over losing sources, and will say or do anything to try to enmesh for supply, but then if a previous source reconnects they can dump and run just as quickly…Hence why the ‘statements’ of ‘amazing love’ are as ‘real’ as the narc’s True Self (unfortunately not there…)

      Truly it was unlikely to be your dependency needs (narcs like you to be dependent) – it was more than likely to be ‘his circumstances changed’…that is unless your ‘needs’ became a source of narc injury to him…

      It’s great that you are happy to be single and working on yourself and creating a good solid source of self and healthy boundaries and self-love – that is where it truly is all at!

      Mel xo

      • lily
        June 26, 2013

        Thank you for your article. I also ended my relationship with someone who was a narcissistic mess. I thank God for giving me the courage to do so. His mind games, lying, cheating and manipulation were never ending. He never took responsibility for any pain he inflicted. His favorite B.S was ‘it’s all in your head’. If you are in a similar relationship, just remember, the longer you stay the ‘smaller’ they try to make you feel and it becomes harder to free yourself.
        Love yourself, Believe in yourself and believe in guidance from God and GET OUT.

  • Valerie Wedel
    March 7, 2013

    Thank you!

    I was very needy, and afraid of being alone… and ended up with horrible emotional/verbal/psychological abuse. Am still figuring out how to extricate myself. Your websight is extremely helpful. As I work on myself I feel stronger, better, freer. Can’t do no-contact because of children involved, and have to make sure the kids are free also. At this time we are separated but no legal decisions yet. The kids are afraid of the Ex, and I have to make sure they are safe which may necessitate a curious legal dance. Any suggestions to help the kids feel safe also?

    Thanks again –

    Valerie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Valerie,

      this is very empowering that you own you felt empty and needy before meeting the narc.

      Keep working on you – and getting stronger. There are specific articles in my blog regarding children as well as legal dealings…I hope these can help you…They will really allow you to understand how to powerfully create the realities you want.

      Hang in there, and please know this community is here for you.

      Mel xo

  • Jennie Byington
    March 7, 2013

    Boy I wished I knew this before I met my narccist! I was so “wooed” by him…he convinced me how kind and loving he was! I fell “hook, line and sinker” because what I looked for in life was someone just to “care for me and love me”. Now, after 12 years, I know that narcissist never can love or care about anyone but themselves. I just filed for divorce from him and he was “stunned” because he had “done so much for me!” He is an alcoholic. His work “forced” him into rehab; he blames his drinking on me; he has spread untruths about me in our small little town in an effort to let all know that he “did so much for me”! I am healing…slow process…but I have followed you online and it has helped tremendously but the healing is going to have to come from within me. I am working at it daily to tell myself my goodness is within me and he has no control over it. I bless the people that are stuggling with a narcissistic relationship. I can afford to live on my own. Those that have to stay with a narcissist because they aren’t financially able to break away from them tears at me. From what I read from your blogs…it seems like narcissism affects more people than we know. I pray for you all going through this struggle….just know that you aren’t alone and you are wonderful people and you deserve happiness!!! love you all!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Jennie,

      yes we all might wish we knew this – but truly on so many levels we were meant to go through these experiences so that we really could face our wounds, our insecurities, and heal so that we could become a healthy source to ourself (which is the only true path to authentic joy and fulfilment) – and THEN we can share that with a healthy ‘other’ :)

      Yes, my love, the true healing does come from within, challenging, committing to and healing our unhealed wounds…

      Narc abuse is epidemic, and this is why we need to stand up and take responsibility to heal, and assist others to do the same…it is so important not just for us, but for future generations.

      Yes, truly everyone in this community deserves happiness, and we need to be the change we want to live.

      Thank you for your post and lovely well wishes and love :) Keep healing Jennie – you will get there – truly!

      Mel xo

  • Dee
    March 7, 2013

    Hi, I am not sure you have been single, but you need a lot more time. I was married for 28 years to a malignant narcissist. I experienced the scapegoating, gas lighting, silent treatment, adultery and a painful divorce where he did not care if I lived or died. Due to the fact that this marriage was an illusion, I am working on myself to find true love one day, but for the next 5-7 years I need to discover who I am, establish boundaries, and learn to be happy with myself. Don’t rush your process. I know the pain you are going through. As you step back and really understand there was nothing you could have done to change these events that I know broke your heart, you deserve to take your time and life with bring the right person to you when you are healthy enough to know who that person is. Praying for you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Dee,

      I absolutely agree for everyone that deep introspection, healing and becoming a source to yourself is very necessary…otherwise people simply repeat the same relationship patterns over and over again.

      I believe time necessary is not a set quota it is a state, a personal truth, and one which can be determined from what ‘path’ you are using as your healing path…and we know when we are ‘well’ enough – if we are honest and know where we are at…

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/pain-is-not-a-timeline-how-to-shift-through-pain-powerfully/

      Thank you for your post :)

      Mel xo

  • Lucy
    March 7, 2013

    This is one of the best articles on narcisstic abuse I have ever read! All of your words rang SO INCREDIBLY TRUE. I have a somewhat unique situation, in that my family/friends pulled me away from my abuser after several years – and he never entered the devalue/discard phase. If anything, the idealization got incredibly worse after the breakup. I have read that these types of ppl can be very obsessive when they encounter someone they can’t ‘break’ (which is, I believe, what happened with me, since my family/friends saved me while I was still strong). Over the past several years, he has engaged in other relationships, but exhibited a pattern of VERY disturbing obsessive/stalker-like behavior towards me. My two questions are: how is this possible – how is he able to maintain other relationships but continue his obsession? and what ultimately happens to a narcissit who doesn’t get to complete their value/discard cycle and is never able to regain control?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Lucy,

      I am glad this article resonated with you.

      Obviously there was ‘abuse’ for other people to see, and pull you out – so even though discard hadn’t happened yet – devalue definetely was…

      Totally narcs often swing into idealisation at the ‘end’ of relationships. There is a terror for narcs of losing NS (narcissistic supply), in fact their abandonment issues are enormous – and after a few tries of intense idealisation they will let go – and ‘accept’ the end – and in fact make out that it was them that ended the relationship all along (to escape the narcissistic injury of being abandonened).

      This especially occurs when they know the person they are dealing with is not possible to extract supply from ever again…

      In your case, he never fully devalued you – therefore he still has you in his sights as narc supply – and does not want to ‘lose’.

      It is very ‘normal’ for narcissists to have multiples of narcissitic supply on the go.

      Think of a drug user. He or she will have numerous dealers in case one source dries up or is unavalaible suddenly. Narcissists are exactly the same – being without NS is unthinkeable and therefore different avenues have to be in existence.

      I like to think of it the way crocodiles store different carcasses under rocks.

      In regard to your second question when YOU get determined and block him or take an intervention order on him he will leave you alone. Narcissist do not keep expending energy (which they have precious little supplies of) unless they think there is going to be a payout of narc supply for this energy expended.

      The fact you have not stood up and said “No More’ and meant it by taking action – means he thinks there is some part of you leaving a door open for him (possibly).

      You need to totally END IT! Then it will be.And that means healing the parts of you that are still hanging on and unresolved, and if you are honest with yourself – you know this is the case…Really this is about ‘you’ not ‘him’…

      Mel xo

  • mandolinray
    March 7, 2013

    I’m floored at the accuracy of this article. My experiences reflect this to a T!!!!! Thank you for posting and writing about this, its helping me get a grip on what happened and how to get better!!!

  • Liz
    March 7, 2013

    Thanks so much for this article. I broke up with my narcissistic boyfriend a month ago because he was starting to put me down, threaten, belittle, intimidate, and control me. Your website has been really helpful and I am glad to not be alone. I can still remember what it was like when we first met–a dream come true–and I was one of those too needy to care if things went fast sorts of people. I thought I had found my life partner and it felt like a magical, even spiritual experience to be with him. I am working on not only avoiding more narcissists but also on maintaining boundaries and growing out of my codependency so that I can have a healthy relationship with myself and with someone else. It’s been incredibly painful for me to do no contact especially since my x-boyfriend has sent me several heart wrenching emails about how he figured out all his fears and will change, and now has plans for his future. I know it is a ploy and being able to recognize him for what he really is and tell myself I am worth so much more and deserve only what is good has helped tremendously. I also grew up with a narcissistic father, and his behavior was so familiar that when my ex acted like him I didn’t see the red flags for a very long time. In fact my friends saw them before I did. If any of you have narcissistic parents, make sure you work on some of those issues too so that you can deprogram yourself from feeling like name calling, dismissing, condescending, disrespectful behavior is normal. It certainly isn’t. To the person with kids, I witnessed my parents’ divorce and feel strongly that if you have any reason to fear your ex-narc will abuse the kids emotionally or otherwise it is worth getting custody. You should also move ahead with divorce. My mom waited until my father discarded her and we were grown up to get out: it will send a very positive and powerful message to your children if they see you take charge and get out, even if they are younger. If they see you model a healthy relationship, they will respect you more and have healthier relationships themselves. And I know from watching my mom it is incredibly difficult. Use third parties whenever you have to deal with the ex narc because he will lie, cheat, and work the legal system like there is no tomorrow.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Liz,

      you are very welcome :)

      That is so good you have been able to honour you and say ‘No More’…also fantastic that you are not falling for the charm and ‘ploy’.

      Liz it will be so much better for you if you block your emails, and phone and don’t leave yourself open to any contact – this is really important for you to release and heal and really focus on creating your empowerment and closing up of the ‘gaps’ that led you into this relationship – without being pulled back into his energy.

      It is very true that we need to set an example to our children, about what is or isnt acceptable, and that it is much better to value self rather than stay with an abuser for all the wrong reasons (dependencies / security etc.)…

      Thank you for your post, and message :)

      Mel xo

  • Nancy
    March 7, 2013

    Melanie, I can’t even express how it feels to read your last two articles… being with this man for 20+ yrs., i knew inside things were not correct and it is so hard to explain to outsiders, reading these last 2 articles are just so right on with what i have experienced. It is very disturbing what this man does and most people don’t have a clue. He is so good at what he does, i believe he does not even know what he is doing, what is sad is that he does have a good side, but i will not be around to be devalued by him anymore, that bad side has lost me forever.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Nancy,

      I am so glad these last two articles have really hit home for you.

      I agree how on earth could you explain narcs to outsiders who have never been through narc abuse. It is a phenomenon from an alien Universe – that totally defies all human explanation.

      This is something you need to understand. Yes he does know what he is doing – he can’t control it – but he does know. He even knows the consequences of his behaviour. The fact is no NPD cares enough about other people to ‘care’…it is all about getting narc supply – everything else is a tool to acheive that – the behaviour – the people it affects everything.

      Don’t be fooled by the ‘good side’…the False Self is all that exists. If this person does the narc behaviour projection, zero accountability, pathological lying, smearing, vengeance – then rest assured there is no ‘good side’…someone with reverence is simply not capable of those acts…these behaviours can only come from a person who has NO True Self.

      Even when he is being ‘good’ he knows the fakeness of it – the act of it, and the agenda behind it which is purely and simply to secure the drug of narcissistic supply – no more and no less.

      This will help you be VERY clear about staying away.

      Bless and hugs and healing dear lady.

      Mel xo

  • DeDe
    March 7, 2013

    I had to read this article several times. I still do not understand it. This whole relationship has been so difficult for me because I keep trying to “understand” why? I have come to the acceptance that there isn’t a logical answer for something so illogical. All of these behaviors are what has transpired in my relationship. However, I cannot understand how someone can lie to a person’s face, make promises they never intend to keep, and then disappear – coming back with loving words of admiration, begging for forgiveness. I’m a person who wants to help people. I want to understand them. And over and over again I find myself giving in only to have it replay over and over again but each time only getting worse. It’s so confusing, so painful (however, it gets easier each time because I now know what to expect), and so degrading. I keep telling myself I’m over it, can walk away, won’t respond, or won’t give in…yet when he starts I always end up giving in. Then I get mad at myself for being so weak. I tell myself, “Shame on him for the first time and shame on me for the second, tenth, twentieth…” It’s a way to beat myself up. How does this end?

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 7, 2013

    Hi DeDe,

    if you try to understand narcissists from a human True Self model, you will never be able to accept how narcissists operate, or more importantly ‘why’ they operate the way they do…

    Honey how this ends, is when you accept he is a narc – he does what ALL narcs do. You could read everyone’s story here and they would give you the same information and even the same sentences word for word.

    A pathological constructed False Self that was born out of intense deep inner wounds that were not resolved, and a discarded True Self all create the same phenomenon.

    A ‘no-self’ who has to get narcissitic supply in order to feel that he or she exists, and has constant unresolved trauma erupting that will never be taken responsibility for…

    That is the narc model.And they ALL behave in the same way…

    Now once you can accept that…and as per your experience you know you are getting battered and abused over and over with no end in sight (and there isn’t one)…now it is time to do what so many of this community have done – self-reflect and say ‘This is my experience, and I know as a result of it I am not well, what do I need to do to heal?”

    This journey has to become about ‘you’ and not about ‘him’. Like with all of us the experiences we receive in life that hurt are showing us soemthing we need to heal within ourself.

    When you commit to that, and make this focus all about you – then you will separate from him, and he will become less and less of the addiction and the pull. The addiction and the pull will remain until you heal the parts of you that are susceptible to creating him as your ‘source’ rather than healing the parts of you that are not as yet a ‘source to yourself’.

    This agony can end, as a result of you starting your healing journey of ‘self’…My greatest suggestion is to read up on and check out NARP. It has created that direct healing path for thousands of people feeling exactly as you do right now…(I was one of those people too – absolutely).

    I hope this helps.

    Mel xo

  • Erika
    March 7, 2013

    Stumbling upon your web site about 6 weeks ago changed my life. I was able to happily leave a 2nd marriage (both times I married narcs) without looking back, thanks to your work. Thank you, in abundant gratitude, thank you.

    This article describes my situation to a tee, and is a fantastic reminder of how it al happens, and to help remove self-blame. You’d think I’d have learned from my first marriage, but I didn’t. Yet now, I see the complete parallels, and will never ever make that mistake again. I am bookmarking this post for a long time, and will share it with many, many people.

    Thank you for your dedication to this vital topic, since this came to light in my life, it is amazing how many people have come out of the woodwork with exactly the same experiences. I am eager to support your work in educating the masses about this epidemic.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 7, 2013

    HI Erika,

    I am so pleased you were able to get clear and leave!

    And it is fantastic that you are feeling so strong!

    It is common for people to make the same mistake again and truly it does mean ‘we missed something’ (within ourself), and it is well worth finding and healing for sure!!

    Thank you so much for sharing this information and also feeling passionate about helping people to rise above the trauma of this epedemic :)

    It is also wonderful that you are able to enlighten people around you who require this information also…

    Keep honouring you :)

    Mel xo

  • MSA
    March 7, 2013

    That greatly describes my ex husband. I married him at the age of 23, with very little, if any experience in relationships. He was all complimenting and all that, fast forwarded things and within ONE year of meeting him, we were on our honeymoon. A week through our honeymoon, I was crying myself to sleep and the pattern of emotional abuse, control and manipulation continued for 10 years until I woke up to what was happening. TEN YEARS I thought everything was my fault. I went into depression and told him I wanted out, he flipped out, bad mouthed me to every family and friend we had. 3 years now since my awakening, we’re separated, but I still live in the same house for the children’s sake (I have 2 boys) until I figure out what I want and will do. I recent got an opportunity for postgraduate studies overseas, I told him about it and said the kids can split the time between here and there. he went all dramatic on me, that I want to take his kids from him, claiming he’s 1 unit with them (w/e the hell that means), and finally said I can go as I like but the kids aren’t going anywhere, and added that if I were a good mom, I wouldn’t have left him or thought to move out in the first place. all my attempts to reach any compromise with him failed, for 2 days we discussed it, by the end of which I was depleted, I broke down. He obviously found a way to keep me on a leash. I don’t know if he thinks I’ve given up on this opportunity, which would also give me more independence of him, but I haven’t, I’m still sorting out my options. since that discussion a few days ago, and to my shock and even disgust, he’s been “love bombing” me, yet attacking when I tell him off on how in denial he is of what he’s done and still doing. This opportunity might be my only way out of this, and it might not come again, I’m not getting any younger by time and my life is being wasted on feeding his narc supply. I need his written approval if I am to take the kids outside the country, things here are at unrest politically too and unsafe (I’m in the middle east). I feel trapped, he’s choosing to risk the children safety and future and give up on a chance for them to have a better life in order for him to sustain this supply. I’m at wits end and don’t know where to go from here. I thought to take him up on his word that he’ll be able to handle the kids on his own, and hope he fails, but that’s a risk and I’m afraid I won’t see them anytime soon. he did promise he’d let them spend the summer months with me (provided he’s with them), but then again I’m lost between his lies and twisted facts. I’m in a worst place a mother can be right now, and seeing the title of this blog, I knew I’d relate to it. as usual with your blogs, I’m never disappointed. Thanks Mel, Bless!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi MSA,

      You poor thing you are in a difficult situation where children are involved…and that is tough that you need his concession to take the children.

      It is normal that he wishes to block your happiness and plans, because after all you did ‘discard’ him (which of course you had to do)…

      Is there any way you can seek legal advice to see what your options may be? Maybe there is an avenue you can take…

      If he has never really been a hands on Dad he may be saying he wants the children full time just to stop you doing this move – but really may not be capable of it – or want that level of responsibility.

      So true, another classic trait of a narc is the love bombing AND if any hint of holding them accounatble or taking responsibility for poor behaviour occurs a narc SWITCHES quickly to ‘nasty person’ completely reneging the feigned ‘lovely person’ a moment ago.

      Normal people just do not act like that – narcs do!

      Stay strong , start feeling into your chosen direction and let’s hope and pray the Universe will grant you the way…I believe in these miracles when we align with them, and I have seen them unfold time and time again…keep believing.

      Mel xo

      • MSA
        March 7, 2013

        Thanks Mel for your reply. Well, of course he can’t take this much responsibility of caring for the kids full time, which is why he claimed he’ll hire a nanny!! Can you believe the extreme measures he’d go to just to stop me?!! I’ll try to figure out something. I’m trying to relax, meditate and stay away from his negative field until I arrive at a rational decision. I have my family’s support, but also their helplessness with him. They’re all aware of how he is, but he never listens to anyone. You’re right, I need to restore my belief that the world isn’t such a horrible place where people like that get all they want, while the rest wither in despair. Keeping my fingers crossed that I don’t get more and more disappointments.

        Thanks again xo

  • K
    March 7, 2013

    I’m back again still looking for answers. I know that part of npd is “crazy making” behavior, but the more I research the more I wonder…am I a narcissist too or has he twisted things around so much he’s made me think it’s me? I care very much about others and I raise my family on my own, have been in a stable career and actually can feel a range of emotions. He does not have any of those things. So, why do I stay when it’s not working? He puts me down, does all of the textbok behaviors and I’ve cried and hurt more with him than I ever have my whole life. So why do I stay? Do I get some reward out of this dramatic relationship that we both know is going nowhere? We both know he is using me, but am I using him in some unknown way too? It’s been years together and I am not the same naive person I used to be. I am so blessed and thankful to have my children who I love so much. They are my happiness. They are older, but still I’ve kept him out of their lives and want to be the “whole” person and mother they deserve and that I was before I met him. He requires so much of my attention and energy and it’s very stressful. I’m independant and take care of myself, my kids, and all I have to do is walk away but yet I stay. It’s like I’m living two lives, one of family and work and one with him. Why am i doing this to myself? Logically it does not make sense. Am I that weak emotionally that I haven’t got the willpower to walk away from a bad situation? I went to a therapist for one visit and all he did was confirm what I already knew. I know this is an emotional issue, but it would take years to work through it all and I don’t want to waste any more years. It’s very frustrating. I wish I could go back in time.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi K,

      to really get clear – this is what I ask people to define whether or not you are a narc. Do you in your every day operations know you will tell pathological lies to get attention, have the ability to exact vengeance on people who don’t ‘give you what you want’, and know you have zero empathy for how your behaviour may effect someone?

      Do you size up every interaction you have thinking ‘What makes this person tick?” and ‘How do I need to appeal to this person to get the most approval, attention possible so that I can know I exist?’

      If this is NOT you – then you are NOT a narc…

      Narcs will project on to you what ‘he’ is…and yes he does think you are a narc – in fact he is CONVINCED you are – because all narcs think everyone else has the level of operation without reverence that they do.

      They think everyone has an agenda, is not to be trusted, and it not ‘real’…

      Ok – why you stay – is the same reason everyone stays / stayed…you are hooked, you are addicted. This person has taken over your psychic / emotional and psychological space, (which already had gaps in it) and become the centre of your Universe (for good and bad)…and this is exactly what securing a source of narcissistic supply is all about.

      This is what narcs are experts at creating – your DEPENDENCY ON THEM so that you are a source of narc supply.

      Narc succeed at this with people who are susceptible and who do have matching wounds that make them susceptible.

      The short answer is – Yes – you are using him – you are using him for the emotional survival (being a source to yourself) that you have not yet healed and established within yourself.

      Codependents are non-malisciously attached to external power seeking – ‘I don’t yet know how to be a true self-honouring and ‘full’ source to myself, so I unconsciously seek out other people’s ‘power’ to grant me MYSELF’…the ‘marraige’ of narc and co-dependent is two dependent ‘needy’ people attracted and enmeshing together for the same fundamental reason – ‘I need you to emotionally survive’…

      The difference is with narc and co-dependent – the co-dependent does have a True Self (even though it is not fully in it’s power), and has a reverence for life – which means they are not capable of selling their soul out to inhumane beahiour in order to get a fix of outside energy….whereas a narcissist completely submerged his True Self, (it was too painful to contemplate dealing with) and created a False pathological Self in its place to avoid the inner wounds of powerlessness, insecurities, and feelings of being unworthy, unloveable and defective…The narcissist’s False Self is a construction and because it is a glorified, entitled, conscripted fallacy it is FALSE – and therefore pathological.

      THis False Self – which is the only way the narcissist can work with his precarious levels of self-worth and self-identity (as per outside sources providing these commodities) will go to any lengths – including totally immoral to get narcissitic supply (attention).

      The narcissist knows he is capable of atrocious acts, but his False Self (because it is not real) is not accountable…it is a ‘buffer’ meaning ‘it was always someone else did that, OR made me do that’ – I couldn’t have possibly)…

      How can a FALSE construction REALLY have done something wrong? It is only a True Self which CAN be accountable – and there is NO True Self avaliable within a narc to do so.

      It is only someone with an all pervasive False Self (which is incredibly non-accountable and childish) who can act out narc behaviours in life, on an every day basis if this is necessary to get NS.

      You will have found in the battlefield with the narc you were at times been pulled down to his level, got so angry and hurt (being pathologically lied to and abused creates this) that you will have reacted in ways you barely knew you were capable of…and then of course it is very easy to label you as ‘Look it’s actually you!’…narcs love Identification Projection – which means dumping their pathological parts on to you – you acting them out and then – YOU being HIM…

      It’s just another way for the False Self to try to retain its glory of being ‘immune’ and ‘perfect’…

      We all had to face the same decision – try to hang on because we didn’t want to start again – or face the truth?

      The truth is WE need to heal, we need to become a source to self to have any chance of a real life. A life with a False Self is anything but real – and it is death…absolutely.

      Being with a narcissist means emotional death – and you becoming more and more like him every day – dead and null and void on the inside – because that is what a narc is – a ‘no person’ a mirage…

      When you accept the truth, commit to yourself and use powerful processes (deep energetic Soul healing tools) to heal – no it doesn’t need to take years – but it does take commitment…

      And we need to surrender to being very honest with ourselves – and listen to the truth our emotions (Soul) are screaming at us.

      You do have a True Self you CAN heal – something that the narc never can do.

      Do you want to become him and join him in his hell of no escape, or do you want to be free?

      That is the REAL choice you need to ask yourself…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    • Tony
      March 7, 2013

      Hi K,

      I read your post and just wanted to say that I feel for you and can relate in so many ways to what you’ve described. It’s crazy-making – you begin to question every aspect of yourself. The only difference is I left the relationship that was torturing me, but it took a long time for me to do so. I constantly made excuses for her bad behavior, tried endlessly to “prove” my worth and/or love to her, etc. Like you, I would ask myself why I stayed. I literally one day after yet another mind-numbing interaction (on the phone) wrote notes (about 20) and posted them all over the room that I had to end the relationship, that she was destructive for me, that I deserved better, etc…and still it took me almost another year to leave. Anyway, I say this just to let you know that I (and I’m sure so many others) can relate to what you’re experiencing – it is clear in your remarks that this probably feels like an endless spiral. Unfortunately, that is what happens in these kinds of relationships. You feeling out of control just strengthens his position, because guess what? He then controls you! I hope you find the strength to do what you know is best for you. I wish for you love and peace and contentment

      Tony

    • pip
      March 13, 2013

      K-

      Your story is mine – feels like exactly. And Melanie’s response is an incredible gift. Only just recently, I gave up on the addiction. I feel like a fog is lifting and the questions that I have been asking myself “Why am I doing this? Am I not smarter than this? What about my kids?” finally have some (painful) answers. I’m blown away that this site can perfectly describe what I thought was my own unique, horrifying, never-to-be-understood-by-anyone-else journey. Who knew? But the hindsight is jarring.

  • GA
    March 7, 2013

    Great article Melanie, your blog posts are really the highlight of my week! I think this article will help a lot of people moving forward next time they decide to get into a relationship.
    My narcissist was very shy and conservative and was not the type to say or show emotion in any way. It took him almost 2 years to tell me he loved me and he only said it when I was crying in the bathroom after he said horrific things to me. But my point is he never did the love bombing (i.e. sending loving texts etc.) because he was too shy, but he did love bombing in other subtle ways by inviting me on his family vacation and asking me to move in after only several months of dating. He even took a dance class with me because he knew I loved to dance. You’re very right; he was being a chameleon and mimicking me for his own narcissistic supply.
    To be honest, it all just makes me very sad. It makes me sad that the person you thought you fell in love with never existed. It’s the ultimate betrayal, it really is. After living together for over a year my ex-narc and I went to therapy together and the therapist asked us during our first session what we loved about each other (a very awkward question since we hadn’t told each other we loved each other yet) and I remember his reply was, “because my friends and family love her and because I am comfortable around her.” It never even occurred to me how selfish that comment was, he didn’t love me as a person, he only loved me for what I provided for him. And it wasn’t love at all. A normal person would say, “I love her because she’s always so positive or she’s so caring etc.” – a quality that the other person actually possesses, not what the other person provides. When the therapist asked me what I loved about him I couldn’t think of ANY THING. I really did draw a blank because I realized there was nothing about him I loved. He did nothing to show me he was a man I could love; I was just so hooked in getting his love and approval I lost sight of the fact if this man was really worth loving.
    Narcissists really are experts in manipulation; it’s amazing, yet so dangerous. After coming out of this relationship I understand now how men like Hitler and Charles Manson had followers, there really is an uncanny power of manipulation narcissists have that no matter who you are you can fall prey to it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi GA,

      thanks darling and lovely to hear from you again on the blog!!

      I SO hope so too, that people will get very aware of what a narc does – so that they can avoid one…

      I am SO glad you raised this distinction – I was hoping someone would. Because it is very true that some narcs do not come on strong…this definetely can happen if the co-dependent was already more like the love addict themself…A narc (even a normal love-bombing type) can sit back and play a completely different role to hook someone in if this person is more ‘forward’ than others who may need love bombing to get hooked up.

      It is so interesting that my first narc – love bombed me absolutely. His next victim who was more the love addict herself he treated completely differently.

      Source was already ‘there’ – he know to hook her was to play on her fears and vulnerabilities (unhealed wounds) to do with ‘distant’ men who did NOT show attention.

      In comparison this would not have worked on me – my unhealed wounds were to do with ‘enmeshers’ and then ‘abuse with enmeshers’ and this is exactly what I fell for….

      So often all of this goes back to how we were parented…Are our wounds to do with neglect and distance or were they to do with over involvement and lack of boundary respect from our parents?

      Narcs very cleverly can inuit the wounds and play on them. If you have a natural tendency to fall straight in, or even be an initiator, the narc will be ‘more unavaliable’…If you are trying to heal the emeshment and abuse of parents they will re-enact being ‘all over you’..

      We would think ‘what we didn’t like as children’ would be repulsive to us – but it is the exact opposite – we are all trying to heal our childhood stuff through the same dynamic (unconsciously) – that is until we take responsibility and heal it within ourself.

      Inner wounds are NOT logical! They are deeply unconscious drivers and emotional ones.

      Yes – my love they are masters of manipulation and this is why it is SO important to be a true, healthy and self honouring Source To Self – totally! :)

      That is the true remedy, healing and prevention – and the creation of a great life.

      Thank you so much for your post – as always!

      Mel xo

  • Tony
    March 7, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Thanks for an informative article. It brings to mind a constant question of mine, that is, what part does maturity play with narcissists? For example, for a very long time (before I got clear on the abuse I was putting up with and allowing in my relationship), I just always felt my ex had a “maturity” issue….used to getting what she wanted from her father…extreme tantrums, entitled behavior, etc…About a year after leaving that relationship I went on a date with an old friend I grew up with and within two days that woman was emailing me declaring that she always wanted me to “sweep her off her feet,” that I “could never talk about any other girls,” and literally less than a week later texted me, asking if I wanted her to “sext” me! I couldn’t believe it! …Even a year later, I was still not healed from my previous relationship, and distanced myself quickly from my friend…again, because I thought it was extremely immature behavior…but more importantly because I was clear that that was not the kind of person I wanted a relationship with. My question is, do you think this was too harsh a decision? I want to be open to love, but I question if I’m being too critical of others if they’re acting immaturely (i.e., in ways described) for fear of getting into another damaging relationship.

    Thanks for your work and writings!
    Tony

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Tony,

      you are very welcome.

      The truth is narcs are incredibly ‘childlike’…their False Self is a total fabricated version – no different to a child imagining they are ‘perfect’ ‘immune’ ‘adorable’ ‘incredible’ or ‘the centre of everyone’s Universe’…the entire life of a narcissist is scripted on ‘make-believe’.

      Then when reality hits – that this is not ‘the truth’ – the narcissist reacts badly when he or she suffers a narcissistic injury – which means someone ‘on the outside’ did not go along with this childish constructed fantasy.

      The result is a childish tantrum, tirade, and acting out like a five year old caught with their hand in the cookie jar screaming – ‘She did it!’

      Narcissism is the epitome of ‘childish’.

      NO! THis was NOT too harsh a decision in any shape of form…and there are plenty of adults in the world who are adults – and are not going to behave like spoilt, entitled, needy or manipulative ‘brats’!

      Look into you Tony and heal your patterns, then this will stop being your experience, or when it turns up it will be a very clear and easy choice for you ‘What is YOUR truth’.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • catherine
    March 7, 2013

    He adored me. Wanted to spend every moment together, told me he was vulnerable, I was the delight of his life …about 3 months. Then started checking phone messages,calls. Then computer. Then HUGE physical Abuse
    suddenly! Shocking!

    This article hurts because I wish he was real, but I know so so well that I am lucky to have ended with no contact. Order for Protection. I am likely alive because of that.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Catherine,

      yes you are describing total idealisation and devaluing. The greater the idealisation and enmeshing – the greater the devaluing (abuse).

      What you need to do my love is heal – and look inside you and take full responsibility for ‘what needy part of mine, accepted this behaviour of total enmeshment (and still want it to be ‘real’) and wanted my entire world to be wrapped up in a partner?’

      Because truly this is NOT healthy interdependency, where two people have their own identities, life and fullness within themselves and then share their lives and ‘self’ lovingly, respectfully and healthily with each other – from a healthy inner core.

      That is the goal of a healthy, fulfilling and ultimately successful relationship model.

      It has none of the overtones (or undertones) or angst, walking on broken glass – and the swings of massive highs, lows, pain and drama – and ‘love bombing’.

      Real love is soothing, loving, solid, loyal, life-affirming and ‘real’..And yes it can be passionate and wonderful – but it is not a rollercoaster..and it is not a DRUG! And it certainly promotes independency and time apart as well as connection.

      We only got enmeshed if we were susceptible (needy and dependent) to being enmeshed…

      It is good you are out – it is great that you MEANT it! Now the next step is to heal this pattern…so you NEVER fall for it, attract it or are susceptible to it again.

      You had your wake up call – but you don’t want to ever play Russian Roulette with your life again.

      It will stop hurting when you heal the part of you that was a match for this – THEN you will be in a totally different emotional Universe, and you will wonder what the attraction ever was – you will see it for what it was – totally what you did NOT want as a REAL relationship model.

      Real, healthy love looks nothing like that – even when it seemed to be ‘good’.

      The more we ‘crave’ being adored by someone – the TRUTH is the less we actually ‘adore’ ourself…

      Have a think about what narcs do and WHY they do it…and you no longer ever want to be a ‘match’. Learn how to fill, adore and honour you – and you never will be again – and THEN you will get to share that with a partner who has that level of fullness and realness himself.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • meta
    March 7, 2013

    why is there an epedemic? are there more of them or are we more aware of them?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi Meta,

      look at society – look at all the ego, hubris and external power seeking – look at the lack of parental education and the painful ‘might is right’ tactics that modelled parenting as a result of narcissistic vengeful models of ‘punishment’ ‘vengeance’ and ‘wrath’. (Many structured religions).

      We are all responsible as human beings for the narcissism on this planet…

      Which is why genuine internal Soul authentic power is so necessary as a shift.

      Thank goodness we can be aware – because once we stop being vulnerable and feeding our own insecurities as well by being ‘prey’ – then abuse has the potential to no longer exist..

      This has gone on for a very, very, very long time – it is just that people are not prepared to take it lying down any more :)

      Mel xo

  • E
    March 7, 2013

    Mel, I read your wonderful blog articles each week and each week I wonder if you were actually there witnessing my relationship. This article is another like that.

    In summary, 10 years ago my ex wooed me out of another relationship – in exactly the way you describe. I was sure I had found my soul mate in him; I moved in with him at his urging, leaving my previous relationship and property, after 2 weeks – during which time he said his friend was concerned that I was messing him around by not committing to him!

    I was with him on and off for 9 years (off when he had an affair that I discovered). We had a child together 3 years ago, and I finally decided I had had enough last year. It is only since then that I recognise his behaviour throughout the 9 years as almost cliched narcissism.

    After I told him it was over he turned his attentions from controlling me in the relationship to trying to destroy me – fighting for joint residence of our son (who he had previously largely ignored); threatening to make groundless) child abuse allegations against me; trying to ruin me financially; and day to day chipping away at my sanity and health through his daily lies and diktats.

    I am now coming out the other side – re our son’s residence; the house we owned; finance. Given how my ex treated (and continues to treat) me, I do get asked, by my lovely friends and family, what I ever saw in him. Your article answers that question better than I’ve ever been able to.

    So, for that and the wealth of wisdom and support I have received from your site in the last year, many many thanks indeed.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2013

      Hi E,

      I hear this all the time – and I will say it again and again – there is nothing unique about a narcissist – they all(when the mask falls) act out like common clones of each other…

      I am so glad you are coming out the other side, getting strong and clear and feeling supported. Walk truth sweetie with integrity and don’t cave in to intimidation.

      See it for what it really is – powerlessness pretending to be powerful…with no substance.

      You deserve so much better than petty vengeance and menace…

      Hugs and strength

      Mel xo

  • Zoe
    March 7, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    Great article, thank you!
    I have a question my ex narc went off with a girl he was cheating with me on, she found out the same time as me but stayed on with him anyway. It’s been 8 weeks and he is full scale love bombing her. She has no idea of the evil and abuse he is capable of, yet…
    Should I forward this information to her via her family or something. I don’t know, it feels wrong to leave someone in the wolfs jaws.
    Love your work, it has changed me more than I could have ever known!
    Love, Zoe xxx

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 7, 2013

    Hi Zoe,

    sweetie I can totally feel and understand your dilemma..

    The truth is she won’t believe you. They are experts – we all fell for it – you would have too…

    You of course are the ‘crazy’ scorned ex – who can’t let him go, and doesn’t want any other woman to have him (and of course you will be labelled with all the things he did in the relationship and will never take responsibility for – as well as any additions that his disordered mind has been able to come up with) – and at this moment she believes he has incredible integrity – is the perfect guy and is 100% trustworthy.

    Honey unless you have rip roaring proof that is going to expose him POINT BLANK with no ifs buts and maybes (and even then he may talk her around) just know this is just a journey she needs to go through for the chance of evolving and healing her unhealed parts..

    He has already talked her around once so you can safely bet she is enmeshed, she is ‘captured’…

    And of course it will end up exactly the same way – it can never be anything but. It’s not a matter of ‘if’ it is a matter of ‘when’.

    Just take on your journey my love – that is what you are responsible for.

    Mel xo

    • Zoe
      March 7, 2013

      Thanks Mel,
      You are so right, he has gone to spectacular and very public lengths to secure her. The demise is inevitable, his usual love bombing episodes would last about 6 weeks at the most, and when he had secured he was so exhausted he was useless to anyone. Which would draw sympathy and nurturing, with him conveniently having nothing to give back. Wow, Im so glad it’s not me propping him up anymore!
      Your article was perfectly timed, as usual.
      I feel better knowing I’m not responsible for his actions anymore.
      Thanks Mel, you are a gift to us all.
      Zoe xx

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 9, 2013

        Hi Zoe,

        You are welcome, and it is great you can let go and define your truth…

        Mel xo

  • Karen W
    March 7, 2013

    Hi all,
    Even before the devaluation stage, my ex used to verbalise the thoughts of his real self…usually surprising or shocking to me who hadnt realised at that stage what he was about. Eg The first week we met me he said “you are as nice as my previous girlfriend…but there’s a difference…I’m attracted to you! (In hindsight what he was really saying was ‘I still have a piggy bank..but this time it’s a pretty one’. Either he was so out of touch with himself, he wasnt aware he had switched out of false into real self or he was so cocky he didnt think it would make any difference to me. In any case, just wanted to say, that sometimes as well as the love bombing, there might be more subtle things to look out for, which you might question but dismiss. Trust yourself and your own thoughts before you trust a stranger. If something no matter how small it is, seems wrong…it is! x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      this is very true, from day one there are warning signs – and things that trigger our emotions – ‘what was that about?’.

      Especailly people who have previously been narc abused, may feel like “I’m too paranoid”…or “I just imagined that – that was nothing”…hence why as well as warning signs it is really important to be very aware of what love-bombing is.

      I agree that our gut is a powerful instinct and it is not to be dismissed.

      Thank you for your post :)

      Mel xo

  • Denise
    March 7, 2013

    Hi Melonie,

    I get it now, I have been education myself to the max and it has really brought me into a different level of awareness I had never experience before. After a brutal release from my husband, I now feel more powerful than powerless. I am in the no contact phase and it feels a little weird but more of a release. I catch myself all the time thinking, hey, wait a minute, I don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore, and I CAN do what feels morally right without anyone trying to invade my identity and steal that from me. All these inner “me” feelings are coming back and I’m realizing this is me and always has been and yes, he never got to know me and never will. I have been left with cleaning up the mess as far as children go. He has already latched onto someone else and I believe it was even before I left permanently this time because he know deep down inside I wasn’t coming back. I feel after each and every time prior when I was forced to leave because of his volitile behavior, it was giving him an open path to walk but couldn’t without fully blaming me enough in order to make him feel better about himself and move on to the next victim. What bothers me the most, is that a guy like this goes around making women fall in love, has their babies, then drops them all, including kids, like hot potatoes when their supply runs low. It’s a crime to me. I think these kind of people should be accounted for their actions and it’s a shame there are not enough laws to protect us, the ones that are left with the cleanup. I say, good luck, good ridence, and never, ever again will I allow myself to be subjected to this kind of torture anymore. My wake call is far more important to me in my life than some guy with a serious mental problem. I want to say, I think it’s all about awareness and acceptance. I will probably never forgive but I do accept. I accept the fact that it’s not my job to fix him or teach him right from wrong and I accept the sacrifices I had to make in order to break the cycle of domestic violence he had caused. I accept he is who he will always be, a lost soul but I will not forgive him for the damage he has caused to me and especially to my special needs son. I know who I am and I know what needs to be done. I don’t have the energy anymore to be going around trying to please people like I have always done before. I have enough to deal with. I just wanted peace and I’m on my way of getting it and let me tell you and everyone out there wanting the same, it’s feels SO DAMN GOOD! I can sleep now, I can breath now, I CAN do anything because, simply, I CAN! There is a light when my tunnel was always so neverending darkness. This realization of narcissism has given me more strength and awareness and we are moving forward. The baby steps are now walking steps but taller with my shoulders back and head up high. Thank you Melanie. We need more people like you in the world. Could you imagine what kind of world we would be living in if we were able to phase out these narcs? I say keep breathing, keep moving, first gear is a start and soon, you will be on your way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Denise,

      That is great that you arre regaining yourself, and coming back to life.

      Absolutely it is normal for a narc to have supply ready when he knows the ship is going down – usually the life boat (or lifeboats) have been in position for some time. In fact many narcs never live without these extra lifeboats.

      Yes, it is very hard for the law to make these people accountable, and really all we can do is create ‘pro’ awareness.

      Empower people to be a healthy source to themself, so that a) they don’t have gaps within self to leave them vulnerable to being target and captured for narc supply, and 2) They are in their power enough that when the behaviour happens (as it does horrendously) that they end these relationships.

      Usually outrageous and horrendous things happen way before combining lives fully, getting married and having babies.

      It is great that you are moving into acceptance – and truly the gift of our own necessary growth – does come at a price, but ultimately the gift is greater than even the price.

      We get to clean up our unfinished business, and create a much more authentic self and life than we could have dreamed possible – but only when we truly commit to our own personal growth, evolution and fully accepting ‘why’ this happened to us.

      Yes, Karen I can imagine that world – truly – I can. That is why I am so passionate about this mission.

      Men and women on this planet truly deserve to experience authentic love, real love – not False Self versions of destructive love.

      Mel xo

  • Kimberly R
    March 7, 2013

    These are the words I needed to hear. The bottom dropped out of my 12 year on again, off again relationship with a narcissist when I came face to face yet again with his “girlfriend” and found out he was still with his ex-wife intimately. After that I realized I am not the person I was before him. I don’t even recognize myself between the drastic change in me emotional, physically and personally. I feel guilty because I let him do this and still trying to forgive myself.
    It’s been only 6 months and I’m working on finding me again. But my biggest fear is falling back in the narcissist trap. I believe in love but after my experience, hope that it’s out there is dim. I know what we had wasn’t love. The line about if things would only work out this would be perfect described my journey with him. I fought, did everything and anything including leave a job to move back to him. And now I realize I lost myself to him. I’m in no way ready to rush into a relationship but reading and knowing what to look for and notice eases my mind that I can prevent myself from falling into the trap again.
    When I’m ready, I’m glad I know what to look for now and what to do.

    Thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Kimberely,

      what I am hearing in your post is that you do need to forgive yourself, and you need to look at this deeper – in as ‘why did I co-create this in my life – what was it I needed to heal in order to evolve?’…when you do that you will no longer see it as a ‘mistake’ to beat yourself up about – you will deeply understand that at a soul-level this experience came to you so that you could heal.

      You will also realise that he was a ‘catalyst’ delivering this healing lesson – and if he didn’t come along into your life-experience someone else ‘like him’ would have.

      Ultimately this is not about him – this is about your healing opportunity – and therefore ‘gift’.

      This is the most important part about this – if you don’t work out the ‘gift’ and heal you then you will be struggling to ‘believe’.

      The inner you (your emotional vibration) knows you haven’t yet come to this – and knows you haven’t healed what you have needed to heal yet in order to create ‘real love’.

      Recovery and healing the pattern of narc abuse is absoluetly NOT just about learning about ‘them’ – ultimately it is about changing and healing yourself.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • susan
    March 7, 2013

    Hi Melanie

    Is it possible for anyone to resist a narcissist? Can a narcissist snare anyone they want? I’ve just read your article and it makes so much sense. If I had known this I could have avoided a hell of a lot of anguish. But I do wonder if narcissists snare anyone they want or are some people immune to them.

    susan

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Susan,

      irrevocably ‘yes’…there are people who are just not an energetic match for a narc…and narcissist know very quickly who these people are – as the ones they are not going to crack.

      People who are a solid sense to self who are not suscptible to needing approval from ‘the outside’, who do not have unfinished, unhealed abuse / rejection / abandonment issues and who have a solid boundary function are absolutely immune – and repulsed by narcissistic advances – they see right through it.

      But of course the narc would make up in his or her head ‘how many issues this person has’ for not falling prey and totally devalue them! :)

      Mel xo

      • susan
        March 11, 2013

        Hi Melanie

        Thank you for your answer. My self esteem has taken such a battering and I was told, repeadedly, that no man could have resisted the woman my ex had the longest affair with. He also had other women and used prostitutes – and told me that anyone would do the same being married to someone like me. I’ve had such a number done on me that I truly believed no man was capable of being faithful and that it was all my fault. God bless you for the work you are doing. I’ve bought several of your books and they are wonderful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m working on making myself and energetically new being. Sue

  • Bente
    March 8, 2013

    Hi Melanie

    You have got it all right and it is good to read your blog, can i suggest, for us that still in relationship with a narcissist and strugle to get out, there is a place we can ask question about a spesific situation ,to get advice what other have done in simialar, since they act the same way, even if they are different, that what i miss, someone to talk to about all the crazy thing, even my is a nice narcissist , it is still the same, he do what he want, no mather who i hurts. But please continue to write on the blog, cause it help anyway to remeber why i feel like i feel, and get a bit stronger everyday, i think

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Bente,

      there absolutely is that resource – an incredible community of support which is in operation every day – for people who take their level of personal healing and recovery commitment further.

      It is the NARC facebook Group – soon to be a separate recovery forum. There are all stages of the journey (and support for) in this group.

      You can see all the details in this resource link.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narcissist-central/index.htm

      Mel xo

  • carolyn
    March 8, 2013

    I have recovered and moved on from Narc abuse. I spent a long, lonely painful winter working through the recovery programme and have been able to move through the pain into a state of changed awareness.

    I decided very recently that I would start dating again…I felt ready. I didn´t really know how to go about it.. but as chance would have it I bumped into an old friend who I haven´t seen for ages and we have started going out together.

    I admit to being terrified of attracting another Narc into my life, despite feeling that I have healed on a deep level. But I also wanted to test my new found sense of trust in myself and not be afraid.

    What is interesting about this new relationship is that it is him who is insisting on taking things slowly. He does not love bomb me and the only gift he has brought me is a bag of lemons from his garden.

    I am on high alert.. all my antennae are quivering! But I get this really strong sense that this person is real. He is so respectful and relaxed. It is so different from my initial experience with my ex Narc, which was just as Melanie described in this article.

    One of the things Melanie taught me in the recovery programme was that as you heal your vibration changes and you begin to attract people who vibrate on this new level.

    This is what seems to be happening to me. It is an entirely new experience to be with someone who has no agenda, is totally kind, sorted and who is prepared to honour me as I have learnt to honour myself.

    I say this every time I post here… that Melanie´s NARC recovery programme is the most extraordinary way out of the agony of narcissistic abuse. I would recommend it wholeheartedly to anyone who is going through that experience. In less than a year I have turned my life around because of it… and I am happier than I ever believed possible.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Carolyn,

      Thank you for your post – there are so many positive things I would like to accentuate regarding what you have posted.

      Firstly that is wonderful that you committed so solidly to doing the deep healing work on yourself diligently – this is key – because if we want to create big changes in our lives we HAVE to become that change ourself – and change in order to be authentic needs to happen on the ‘inside’.

      It is wonderful that you waited until feeling ready to date, and of course you were going to be alert – as you should be…even though you knew you had ‘healed’ – which means you got past the pain, obsession and hooks or your previous relationship (which is what NARP does facilitate and is vital in order to be able to ‘live’ again – let alone date!)

      Okay so now onto how your new beau has ‘shown up’! I love that you are saying he is ‘relaxed’…and ‘real’.

      This is SO important to understand – HUGELY SO – that people who are a True Self, who have sufficent self-love, self-worth and an inner core do NOT jump around trying to impress with ‘look at me, look at me!’actions and statements constantly!…

      People who DO have a True Self know they are lovable, worthy and acceptable ‘as is’…

      They ARE relaxed, comfortable and ‘whole’ in their own skin! And they are incredibly more relaxing and real to be around than someone trying to flaunt capabilities (offering constantly to help) and going out of their way to prove ‘how wonderful I am’.

      That is not love – it is a performance – which says “I want your love (attention) because I certainly don’t love myself’.

      And truly when we were accepting ‘the performance’ as real what was that saying about us needing such gestures to believe we were ‘lovable’ or ‘acceptable’?

      I am so thrilled you are having this experience with a man who is presenting as kind, calm, relaxed, real and solid in himself…you truly deserve this!

      Thank you Carolyn for mentioning NARP again. It is the vehicle which I have seen create the most positive recoveries within this community consistently, where nothing else has created such results – and in incredible breakthrough times which totally defy contemporary ‘survival’ results.

      For those reading this post here is a testimony link as to the results NARP has created: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narp-testimonials.html

      Thank you for your inspirational post Carolyn :)

      Mel xo

  • Jennifer
    March 8, 2013

    Finally had enough, asked for divorce. idid not realize I was involved with a narcissist. All your articles were ON POINT of this man who swept me off my feet, despite many RED FLAGS, I foolishly ignored them all. He has moved out, however, states we are only seperating so I can fix ME. WHOA!!! Devaluing for sure. He hooked up with a woman and stated it was my fault , that I put him in that situation. I will for sure teach my daughters how to spot this type of man so that they will not be in same situation I found myself. He still wants to date and cook me dinner ect… In other words, keep me around for supply until he finds another. No contact begins next week, I am armed and ready for the flood of emotions this will reveal. but am stronger since I am aware of the gas lighting, and all the other tactics. Thanks for your insightful blogs. They have provided me with so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      This is great that you relaised that he is a narc, and that the only healthy way is to end this…

      Yes, he is NPD – zero accountability.

      Stay strong and don’t keep yourself avaliable as supply. He has taken no responsibility, he is not going to change – and all you would be looking at is being used for his ego – whilst of course being brainwashed and tormented into how ‘screwed up’ you are.

      And possibly forced to sucuumb to his tyranical version of the relationship.

      And in the meantime being smeared to everyone who will listen to him (more supply garnished).

      NO DEAL!

      Anything my love is better than that deal….absolutely!

      Mel xo

  • Rosemary
    March 8, 2013

    Hello everyone, took me 13 years to see my ex narc’s mask slide off. He was so good at coverying up and playing the poor me. Un like most narcs, he actually had a secret life he was able to cover up with me until I seen the purchase he made using our credit card to buy a womans diamond pendant 3 weeks after my birthday. I had no clue what he was about. He did not put me down, have rages, did not appear in anyway to be controlling or jeoulous and was always very kind to me and my children from my prior husband. It took me a very long time to except the fact that I was living with an imposter. He was a pathalogical liar, one after the other which I just put off as little tales exagerated….boy how stupid was I? They all just seemed innocent at the time and he had my entire family fooled and co workers and friends??? Wasn’t until I seen the true self that I was contacted by three ex’s and his own children saying how sorry they were that I was another victim and I was better off with out him.I found out he was phyically abusive to all his ex’s, a liar, jeoulous,drug user and a full time cheater. Also had numerous asault charges including woman. One weeks before he met me. We met through work. I was in a total stage of shock along with my entire family,friends, and co workers. None of us seen that side in 13 years. The only thing he did do was tell me after about 7 years into our relationship that he was on blood preasure meds and it affected his sex drive. Said he had no desire for sex and to be patient while he worked on it. Never did see a doctor or never did anything about it. I lived and sufferd in silence for about 6 years, no sex, no touching, hugging. nothing! I did get the morning phone calls teeling me to have a great day and he loved me? You can’t imagine how hurt I was and then to find out he was having phone sex, masterbating,and stalking his next victim. I had no reason to not trust him and I thought we had a perfect relationship other than the sex. I also found out that he was charged for molesting a 12 year old girl (daughters friend) failed the lie detector test but no charges were laid because the parents didn’t want to put their daughter through this. When I asked him about it, he said he failed the lie detecter because they asked stupid questions and he was nervous, also said he couldn’t remember what he was acused of because it was so long ago? When I caught him on the phone with the other, he was masterbating, I kicked him out. He moved into her place the next day and has been there ever since 8 months now. She is 40 with three small boys 7,9 and 12, he is 56????? He told her I was a room mate and he lived in the basement for 6 years? I was able to tell her the truth about him, but she did not believe me. So wht no sex with me yet can live with a 40 year old and do just fine???? I am still so confused as he was just so differant with me than the others? Maybe because we worked together and his boss(my boss) was a very good friend of mine and I did manage to get him into the company as a partner, which they now so regret doing. I have a great respect from my boss and have been with the company 29 years, he came 14 years ago. You have no idea what he has put me through since I kicked him out. The sick head games. Even after months of having to deal with him over the house and all, he would still tell me he wasn’t having sex with her???????????? Not a typical narc!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Rosemary,

      it is true that many narcs have secret lives – just not many who were as good at it as your ex.

      That is horrific, and I know even many of us who have read umpteen narc stories will be shaking our heads!

      Rosemary I can’t even begin to imagine the devestation – even though absolutely I do know the devestation about finding out someone ‘you thought you know’ was nothing other than a conscripted lie..as the entire community knows as well.

      It is really important that you do all that you can to heal and recover from this. This was ‘his stuff’ and it would be a tragedy if ‘his stuff’ poisoned your right to your life indefinetely.

      Hugs and healing.

      Mel xo

  • Lia
    March 8, 2013

    I am in total shock at how you have nailed it about my husband & I am finally realizing this is exactly what I am in. I kept thinking I was crazy & losing my mind & how could he not love me. I did everything in my power to love him & do things for him but nothing seems to make him happy. Now he doesnt come home until Im asleep & leaves before I see him in the morning & has moved upstairs (which is honestly a blessing to me). He has done this to me several times until I come to him crying & asking him to forgive me. I finally got counseling & am seeing the light & seeing that I AM a wonderful wife/mother & its HIM who is delusional. I havent gotten the courage for a divorce (because of my beliefs) but I feel the time is coming. Im building my self esteem back up. I try to keep telling myself not to dwell in the past that I could have avoided it all but some days its just hard. Thank you for your articles. It sure helps.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi LIa,

      it is so common for us to think we are the demented one! Absolutely!

      Stay strong, and know this community is here for you – and I am so pleased you are coming out of the fog.

      Mel xo

  • Karen
    March 8, 2013

    I’m not sure I can ever recover from thinking that I was at last loved and cared for and finding out that it was only an illusion. Where does that leave me? I feel I can never trust anyone again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      you have truly ‘spoken’ what you need to look at.

      “I was at last loved and cared for’…

      Karen sweetie the entire gift in this is learning that until you genuinely and authentically learn how to heal, and love and care for yourself – you are VERY susceptible to others who also feel empty and have deficient self-love and self-worth.

      The most horrific of those kinds of people being narcissistic – with NO True Self.

      Where does that leave you?

      With your greatest and truest mission in life – becoming your own authentic self-love and self-worth source to yourself – then someone will adore you for all the right reasons – primarily because you have learnt how to adore and value yourself.

      It will be a ‘sharing’ of love – not a ‘using’ to extract energy.

      Getting this transaction right and healthy is not negotiable – it is no-one else’s job other than our own.

      People can only grant us ‘more of ourself’.

      I hope this helps, and you know what you need to do to take responsibility.

      Mel xo

  • Denise
    March 8, 2013

    Hello Melanie,
    I work with my ex husband which is a high level narcissist. I have no contact with him but run into him in the office on a regular basis. He speaks I DO NOT. How do I deal with this? It is very hard to see a dead person walking around. By that I mean that the person that I fell in love with does not exist but the physical part of him is still walking around. There never has been anyone that I did not speak to, I speak to people I don’t even know, I always feel guilty for not speaking but I know that I cannot. I have a saying on my desk that says, “silence cannot be mis-quoted. I really feel that I need to find a new job but I have been here for 20 yrs. Please give me some advice.

    Thanks!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Denise,

      Thank you for your question! You can deal with by changing ‘on the inside’ your pain, charges and healing your unhealed parts.

      Then he will become nothing more than ‘that person’…

      And you won’t have any guilt about not engaging him – you will be free.

      THis is an ‘inside’ job – not something you can achieve by doing an ‘outisde tactic’.

      My suggestion is to look at NARP – it has specific healings to help with that (as well as so much more).

      Mel xo

  • Molly
    March 8, 2013

    I read your blog and articles and I feel like I am reading about myself. I am in the process of divorcing my narc now after 5 years of marriage. Of course it has been horrible and he does everything he can to still control me and bully me. But at least I have clarity about what happened so I will hopefully never get myself in a situation like this again! He was a love-bomber and rushed me into a relationship, bed and a marriage that I knew somewhere deep within wasn’t totally right. I am glad to be able to read your blog to know I am not the only intelligent woman this has happened to!

    Melanie – I would love if you could sometime blog about children of narcissists. I am so deeply concerned about my two children and the effect their father will have on them and their true selves.

    • Rhonda
      March 8, 2013

      I spent 37 years in hell with my husband and my daughter 27 just said to me a while back “dad really loved me while I was a softball star but after I stopped playing he stopped caring”
      She WAS a star–he coached her summer league adn they won every year–he took all the “glory of MAKING her a star” while secretly taking her to a pitching coach in another city who taught her everything she knows. She tried out for the olympics at 16.
      Now he uses her being a special needs teacher with a masters to “brag” knowing all the while that he Gambled her collage fund away and she work 2 sometimes 3 jobs to put HERSELF through college. So YES, do what you can to protect your children–a Narc. has NO SHAME when useing people who love them! best wishes to you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Molly,

      I am so glad you are getting clear and stronger.

      Oh yes it has happened to many intelligent women! The common denominator is ‘we knew’ (just as you stated it didn’t feel ‘right’) but rather than be assertive and really find out the truth – we just ‘went along’…

      It has so much more to do with emotional intelligence than IQ intelligence – absolutely!

      Here is an article re children which can really help you http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/

      The more you get in your power with your healing – the more your children will follow – this is always the first and fundamental point I say to mothers…

      Stay strong :)

      Mel xo

  • raquel
    March 8, 2013

    The day I subscribed to your website, articles blog was the day my life started changing, your articles are like’wham’ so spot on so true! thank you for this, this is exactly how my relationship started off with my ex, proud to say my EX and it was a rollar coaster ride was hell for months and from the time I started pulling away and focusing on me he would be all sweet and nice and charming lovely and apologetic and there i was roped into the tug of war cycle again, after 18 years i am free! Still healing but your articles help so much thank you so much there arnt words to describe my grattitude! Raquel xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Raquel,

      I am so pleased you are getting clarity!

      And that is wonderful you are free, and not being pulled back in!

      Keep moving forward, and you are SO welcome!

      Mel xo

  • Lisa
    March 8, 2013

    Melanie,

    You may laugh but I get excited when I see your emails in my inbox because I think to myself, “Oh good, another piece to this crazy puzzle that I am trying to figure out”. Your articles are always “bulls eyes” in my life.

    Luckily I don’t use them with a romantic partner but I do need them for some very troubling inlaw relationships. And it gives me a window into my past when I have had friendships with Ns.

    Thanks again Melanie, your advice has been incredibly helpful

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      I think that is really cute – and made me laugh :)

      You are so welcome!

      Mel xo

  • Ken
    March 8, 2013

    ANOTHER FACET TO “LOVE BOMBING” — MIRROR NEURONS.

    Narcissists will often naturally enagage in what is now called ‘mirroring’ — matching up their posture & mannerisms to aling with (“mirror”) yours.

    This will commonly extend into matching verbal style, with the common three being feeling/emotional, logical, or intuitive. An emotional person (one with that style of relating, not necessarily one who’s emotions run amok) might describe a movie, for example, in terms of how various scenes, themes, characters made them feel; a logical person might relate to the same exact scenes like an engineer might–with objective dispassion. Etc.

    Narcissists on the prowl are masters of matching their speech styles and behavioral mannerisms with their targets. This engages the other person’s Mirror Neurons in their brain and sets off a whole series of biological & subconscious responses over which he have litle or no control.

    This makes the target instinctively respond & “like” the person manipulating their mirroring of us.

    That means that when one of us is feels so compulsively attracted to the toxic personality, even knowing the toxic personality is oh-so-toxie, this is partly why. Our biological/neural make-up is somewhat hijacked. Don’t blame yourself, blame, or just recognize, your mirror neurons are working overtime against you. This is kinda analogous to an allergic reaction to mundane chemistry/ies–where our immune system over-reacts, though with mirror neurons everybody is at the same risk.

    SO, if you’re in such a situation (like Ulysses [& all other sailors] drawn hopelessly in thrall to the Sirens), quit considering reasons for blaming yourself–other than that you’re human and, normal, and this is to some extent inevitable & unavoidable.

    Look up on line discussions involving “Mirror Neurons.”

    By the way, the same underlying biological mechanisms involved are pretty much the same one that allows us to “catch” another person’s yawn, no matter how hard we try not to let that happen (try it & try not to yawn, or, fake some yawns around unsuspecting friends & see how often you can “control” them by inducing a yawn). Its those mirror neurons hijacking our intellect, and more.

    There are some (probably a lot of) sales-training books out there, and sales training courses, overtly teach mirroring tactics & what to look for to verify when these tactics are working. I recall learning this from one such book, specifically written for salesmen/women, that went into depth in body language mirroring and speech pattern/style identification & mirroring techniques with many examples dissected in detail. Because, it works–people are “sold” on ‘whatever’ when they feel comfortable with the person doing the selling.

    You can bet, 100 percent certain, that any narcissist you meet that’s successful has probably studied this in some depth too.

    As police have long noted, psychologists & psychiatrists–and criminals–are the most avid students of human nature & behavior.

    So, again, if you’re in thrall to or have been in thrall to someone you know is toxic but just can’t help it, there’s some biology contributing. Either stay away, or get a friend to tie you up to a ship mast while they take you away like Ulysses’ sailors did with him (after they filled their ears with wax) so he could hear the Siren’s song without getting shipwrecked.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      I love this post Ken,

      brilliant piece of information – and is something I have only touched on, and certainly not to this depth – so I really am inspired to understand more!

      Great share and one that I am sure a great many of this community can relate to. It really does stand very plausibly that a ‘no-self’ needing narcissistic supply would be the perfect chamelon to intently study others and mimick in order to manipluate.

      I know that both the narcs in my life were very interested in body-language and had studied it in detail – I am sure others will also attest to ex-n’s doing the same (it seems time and time again so many people have the same stories)..even when I think ‘No – surely not – then bingo absolutely it is a common trait!’

      Wow – I had always wondered about the yawning phenomenon and that has explained it perfectly.

      Fantastic post and thank you so much for sharing!

      Mel xo

      • Ken
        March 12, 2013

        I just recalled the book about mirroring body language & speech patterns I was thinking of when I wrote the above:

        “Consultative Selling Techniques for Financial Professionals,” by Karl F. Gretz (http://www.linkedin.com/pub/karl-gretz-phd/2/89a/6b1).

        What I could find on-line indicates it was published in 1990, which fits my memory (I’m certain I got a copy before 1991). Rooting around on-line one can find a copy. If at all interested in my comments about mirroring “tactics,” above, I’d recommend it.

        Another “bible” of personal influence is Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” (HTWFIP). I’ve known of a number of people who’ve literally worn out their copies of that with highlighting & reference. As far as I know, none of these were narcissists but many did have some esteem issues salved only by a perpetual drive to succeed (and in one noteworthy case, after rising to the top of a large firm, quit to start anew in a new career–it was the drive to climb to success, not getting the prize, that mattered there…but that’s a different issue entirely). If I had to vote on which book was most consulted by malignant narcissists, HTWFIP gets my vote.

        There’s probably some good material about British PM Benjamin Disraeli — a statesman of profound effectiveness & manipultor par-exellence (there was a very good movie made about him in the 1920s-1960s??? as well). Say what one will of him, he was exceptionally good at manipulating people–at least in conjunction with government politics. One of his quotes:

        “You have heard me accused me of being a flatterer. It is true. I am a flatterer. I have found it useful. Everyone likes flattery; and when you come to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel.”

        I’d bet a sizeable proportion of successful narcissists (& sociopaths) study him too.

    • jennifer
      March 12, 2013

      my narc ex – he was 20 then and I was too – actually told me about this!! he told me that a sign that people like each other is when they imitate each others gestures,mannerisms. now i realize, he was actually studying human behavior at that age !!! — he’s my 1st boyfriend — his mother said I was the first girl he brought home thus I was his 1st girlfriend. looking back now, my narc ex highly likely knows something is not right with him at that age — and was much into body language and studying human behavior. he also was fascinated with the story — the picture of dorian gray — i also now recall him telling me subtle signs on people’s faces which indicate anger and how he told me an authentic smile actually involves the eyes and not just the mouth. damn it !!! he needs all these info to better read people’s emotions and play off of it!!! narcs are an expert in reading all these emotions because thats the least they can do since they are unable to experience these!!!? it is only now that I am reading into body language and facial expressions via Paul Ekman, Joe Navarro. my narc ex also told me how to lie — was to look at people straight in the eye.

    • Madonna
      March 12, 2013

      Hi Ken,
      Scary. I’ve seen this up close and personal with my narc with another woman right in front of me. I even accused him at the time of ‘mirroring her speech patterns’. It made me sick. It still does. They really do have a method of entrapment.

    • Katherine
      April 15, 2013

      Hi Ken

      My ex was a psychologist who had also been a sex therapist as well – pretty toxic mix as he knew many things to keep me going back for more, despite my attempts to stay away. I have not seen him for six months but was in touch with him until he dumped me for another women and cut me dead. I then found out he was love bombing and harassing her and she told him to stay away. I blame myself for not having the strength to do this earlier. I still think about him a lot and his behaviour affected my life and health. I just wish I could appreciate my life, forget him and move on.

  • Sara
    March 8, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you again for all your work. For me, getting past what he, and in my case they, did to me is only half the battle. Now I have turned to resolving those parts of me that doesn’t think I will survive without him or they. I am working on honoring myself in whatever I have to do to be financially secure. My difficulty was being embittered that they seemingly had resources and I didn’t. Then I became embittered after finally leaving the relationship about having to work at job I hated and they were using their own resources to live a good life, resources they wouldn’t share with me but entrapped me into serving. I am now learning to honor myself in my work even if I don’t particularly like what I am doing for a living (for now). This step was important to me in my emotional growth and just wanted to share for anyone else feeling the same way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Sara,

      you are very welcome!

      It can be very BIG (especially for women) to recover from the horrific DNA survival programs we hold that are intensely triggered after being narcissistically abused.

      These were MASSIVE for me, as they are time and time again for many others as well.

      Karen truly when you use the deeper healing processes which target these DNA programs directly in your subconscious I promise you – you have no idea how much relief, life and truth you will claim (without fear and pain).

      This is really only a part of what narc abuse recovery (at a true deep level) means, and there is so much more…all about energetically (emotionally) becoming a true source to ourself.

      Then all of life flows and follows ‘that’…(new healed state)

      You may be going through the motions and surviving – yet still feeling the pain / fear – and this is why I have brought this up for you (and others) here.

      Thank you for your post and sharing.

      Mel xo

  • Sun
    March 8, 2013

    Thank you for the wonderful article Melanie,

    Your articles help me get over my ex bit by bit every week and prove to me how lucky I am to get out of the relationship while there was still time. It’s been 9 months of NC and my 8 months of relationship has begun to fade. :)

    Apart from our love interests, do we get targeted by Narcissists of the same gender as well? False selves in the guise of a friend? The thought sends a shiver down my spine!

    Although I am more aware now, on the flip side I find myself scrutinizing almost everyone I come across these days…probably on a lookout for Narcissistic patterns. This might leave me all alone for the rest of my life but I would rather be safe than sorry!

    Thank you yet again!
    -Sun

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Sun,

      you are very welcome.

      I am so pleased you are coming out of the fog!

      The answer to your question is – IF you are not as yet a healthy source to self – with self-love, self-worth, self-value and healthy boundary function you have ‘gaps’ which could attract / be targeted by N people from any walk of life!

      This is the deal – they ‘come into your life’ so that you can heal and become a source to yourself.

      When you have done that they don’t need to keep showing up!

      Mel xo

  • Rhonda
    March 8, 2013

    I just recently discovered your blog while going through a divorce. I have been living in HELL with my husband for 37 years and never understood WHY?? I am a good loving caring person who is treated well by everyone in my life BUT HIM.At one point I attempted suicide directly related to his cruelty.
    I have my answers now–all of them,I read your emails and nod my head and say “YES–I SEE–I UNDERSTAND”
    I stood up–I said ENOUGH–I cut him OUT of my life and in 7 days I will be leagally and emotionally FREE.
    My tip for ALL of you ladies–HIDE MONEY NOW if you plan to get out..this divorce has taken 1 year and has been PURE hell but I stood strong.
    I am happy,stronger than ever with the help of this blog and my therapist. I don’t need him and see now I NEVER did–HE NEEDED ME and without me he is nothing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Rhonda,

      I am so glad you pulled through and were able to get clear and see the truth.

      This is great that you have said ENOUGH! What you have said is very good advice – thank you for sharing this – settlements with narcs are not fun – and it is very advisable to think smart and plan effectively – absolutely.

      Hugs and strength.

      Mel xo

  • LizLiz
    March 8, 2013

    To MSA:
    My aunt married a Palestinian while attending grad school, converted to Islam, and moved to Jordan where she lived in fear with her three children for over twenty years. My uncle not only beat and psychologically abused her, threatened to hurt her if she called her parents, read all her correspondence: he also began beating his oldest daughter as well. Five years ago she put the children in the car to “take them to school” with only as much personal items as they could carry and through the support of family and friends and her own enginuity she smuggled herself out of the country and lived in a safe house for almost a year. After securing a safe place for her and her children, she completed the divorce settlement and got full custody of the children. She would not have done this unless her oldest daughter hadn’t made it clear that she would leave on her own if her mother wouldn’t. Whatever level of physical or psychological abuse you have sustained, I have tremendous empathy for you and wanted to let you know that this sort of option might also exist for you. Obviously no one prefers to smuggle their children out of the country, but especially in middle eastern countries where women are devalued by narcissists and nonnarcissists alike, it is a choice worth considering. You might be able to arrange taking the kids with you when going to your graduate opportunity without letting your partner know, and involving only people who would keep your confidence. I believe such a tactic would mean you wouldn’t be able to return to your country, and don’t know if you would have the same ability to legally retain custody. You may need to remain under protection for quite a while, or until your children are grown. I’m not sure of the specifics for you. My aunt was blessed with dual citizenship, being an American living abroad, bu that didn’t stop her ex-husband from trying to find her and there was a time when she feared for her life. It’s a formidable prospect so thinking things over is definitely a good idea. But there are people who have seen the other side of abuse even in oppressive communities and countries where recourses for women are few and far between. I wanted to share my family’s story to at least give you hope. I’m not sure if my aunt would be willing to talk to you, but I can ask if you like.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi LizLIz,

      thank you so much for reacching out to MSA. It is lovely when people in this community help support each other.

      And if you two wish to connect I am very happy to act as a go-between to help that happen.

      Mel xo

      • MSA
        March 10, 2013

        @LizLiz

        Thank you so much for sharing your story. At one point, I considered this, but now I have a few reasons not to:
        1. The kids are young and they still love him, I can do my best to protect them emotionally, but if I take them away from him, they’ll eventually resent me without even knowing the truth. He doesn’t physically abuse either of them, but has his narcissistic traits reflecting on how he treats them sometimes, basically seeing them as his “own belonging”.
        2. Regarding my postgrad offer, he is requested by the concerned embassy here in my country to sign a paper indicating he’s willing to let them travel with me . Thinking of smuggling them or trying to find a way to forge the paper puts my career, future and the hope of getting away at stake, which I can’t jeopardize.

        Believe me, there’s nothing I’d love to do more than wake up tomorrow with me & the kids as far away from him as possible, but I have to support them too, so I need to have patience and try to find another way. I understand what happened with your aunt was more compelling to take that route, especially that her children “SAW” what was happening. My narc here is so subtle that he can win over any unbiased individual for as long as I don’t expose him (naturally people don’t tell me what he tells them or that he’s been badmouthing me until later on). I’m sure my kids will see him for who he is within a few years. It’s what I’ll do during those years is what I’m thinking of now, to maintain my relationship with them, and to prevent him from creating narcs out of them.

        @Mel,

        Please feel free to connect me with LizLiz if possible. But only if it’s ok with her and her aunt.

        Regarding the QFH goal setting healing, I have it open in another window and will watch now, haven’t seen it before. Bless!

        Thanks all for your wonderful support Xoxo

  • Abbie
    March 8, 2013

    I have been following this site for a few weeks now since I realised that my partner was a narc. I was on a course for personality disorders and realised when talking abouts narcs that my partner now ex fitted the profile very well. I thought I was going crazy for the last two years since we met, he also swept me off my feet and made me feel very special, but that didn’t last long before he started to demonstrate childish behaviours and make me feel bad for seeing friends and family. Timing my every move and meeting me lunch times and straight after work. I really thought I was in love with this man and I was really stressed and felt ill and tired all the time. The pressure was insurmountable and I really couldn’t see how to make things better again. My ex had a lot of relationships that resulted in four children with three different partners for whom he left all high and dry went bankrupt to escape paying out for mortgages, leaving them homeless. I should have realised then when I found this out but he was very convincing about his reasons for leaving. My time has been stollen but not my soul thank goodness although I did lose my job and nearly my home through all the stress it caused me. I will always trust my instincts from now on because I felt there was something not totally quite right at the start when he was very keen and bought me lots of gifts. Trust your inner self it will never let you down, you only have to listen to it. This site has helped me through the most difficult time if my life, I almost wanted to die at one stage now I feel free to be me and love who I am for once in my life I am worth so much more!!!! And you are too. Xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Abbe,

      It is really good that you are seeing the truth now, and getting clear.

      Totally it is about understanding healthy relationships don’t feel draining or exhausting they feel uplifting. Spending time with a narc even when the abuse isn’t occurring does feel draining, absolutely as if ‘life’ is being sucked out of you.

      Yay that you feel free to love you and know you are worth so much more than that! Thank you for your gorgeous and inspirational message – and yes you do have your Soul – we all do!

      And that is beautiful :)

      Mel xo

  • No more self denial
    March 8, 2013

    Ouch, this was like reading about my ex partner. Or should I say ex teacher. He taught me the most important lesson so far in this lifetime. Now I am able to spot people similar to him, right away. I had no clue before, but now I have a clue. And I have reached an understanding that slowly seem to make me able to meet them with love and warmth together with strong and firm personal boundaries. Wich again helps me start take attention from that kind of people and the problems related to them, and mve that attention over to people that bring joy and love. I can feel how I change from day to day, now. And I am thankful for that. To life, to all acts of kindness and love I have ever received, to all of my teachers and mentors who have given me challenges that helped me growing, and to my parents who gave me the ticket to this lifetime.

    LOVE

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi NMSD,

      Yes, just another love-bomber darling!

      This is so true, when we have healed and are we are solid, we can be open hearted, we can be ‘ourself’ and yet be very aware of someone ‘trying too hard’ to be liked!

      I am so thrilled you have come so far – and you are really claiming you – I can read it in your words and resonance! :)

      Divine NMSD!

      Mel xo

  • Lisa
    March 8, 2013

    Great article again Mel. You seem to know what I need to hear when I need to hear it. I was feeling down again today missing the narcissist and the “good times” and wishing he had been truly in love with me. What actors they are! He was such an actor of undying love for me. But of course, he eventually didn’t get the right kind of supply for me and cheated and left.

    I have a question, you say in this article,
    ” Subconsciously (at least) narcissists know their relationships fall apart and are doomed to fail. Therefore the long view is not important”. If this is so, why didn my ex narcissist get married over and over? He was married to wife # 3 for 12 years, and was engaged to me before he cheated and left. If he knows relationships do not last for him, why does he keep getting married? Seems like a lot to go through for supply. And why does his family and followers NOT see the pattern? I tried to get his parents to see its a pattern when he discarded me, but they said they do not see this with him. That cannot be true! They must see it! Of course they threw me away as fast as he did, disowned by the family, and they embraced the one he left me for. Whats your thoughts on that?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      that is lovely that we are in ‘synch’…sychroniscity is such a gorgeous thing and totally a confirmation to you that ‘you are on the right track’.

      However – you truly do want to get to the stage where you become that true inner empowered source to yourself – rather than need an article to ‘save your butt!’…therefore have you considered committing to the deeper healing processes in order to really heal?

      In regard to your questions – firstly it is very common that a narcissist’s family are highly dysfunctional and had many unspoken secrets and many denials personally and collectively – would you actually expect them to see the ‘truth’? Probably not.

      Followers are bent, manipulated and told all sorts of fabrications and smear campaigns (the problem is most adults do not believe that grown adults are capable of SUCH outrageous lies – and therefore tend to easily believe them) so they would honestly feel that the narcissist has been hard done by(which grants him lovely NS) – and of course he creates whatever dynamic is necessary to keep them as supply.

      These are symbiotic relationships based on illusions that both parties usually get something out of. Not easy to break open with ‘truths’.

      The narcissist before marrying is swept away on the idea of ‘ideal / perfect love’ – he is in the moment getting mirrored back to him attention (NS) and believes it is ‘love’ – to him it feels like it is.

      To a narc ‘love’ is merely the intense feeling that he or she DOES exist – and it is a drug – but it is not real love (Love for myself and another healthily) – it is an obession and addiction.

      Narcissists are in the moment people – when they feel the high of the drug – they want to get married – it seems like a great idea at the time. For a narc just like an explosion does (out of nowhere), an act of pathological vengeance, or an intense pathological lie to create an agenda.

      Narcissists live in ‘the moment’ and certainly not healthily.

      Marriage to them seems like the way to create ‘perfect idealised love’ (wonderful ongoing supply) but then the reality sets in ‘Marriage makes me boring, like everyone else, how can I be unqiue and omnipotent now?’…which of course leads to the intense cycles of devaluing – I have to push you away and not be engulfed by this ‘marriage’…

      It is total madness, but totally necessary for a narc – to live extremes, disasters, push and pull – intensely merge and then destroy.

      Low boredom threshold, all or nothing behaviour and upheavals needed to feel ‘alive’.

      Being settled, content and at peace is akin to being dead.

      I hope this helps answer your questions.

      Mel xo

  • Luann
    March 8, 2013

    Mel-
    This is such a great article. But I have to admit that it is sad that some of us weren’t taught this (not in words necessarily but healthy relationships in our upbringing).

    I never really thought that whirlwinds were normal but I got sucked into one anyway. And I found myself asking, What just happened?” after the break up.

    But what a difference a year makes! He’s been gone for that long and I couldn’t be more relieved now that he chose to leave.

    I hate to think about what sort of craziness could have or may have ensued, had he stayed. I was so addicted to him, I’m not sure I could’ve brought myself to end it. This in spite of the fact that I was becoming truly drained. I wasn’t checked for it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I had had adrenal fatigue when it was all said and done.

    The past couple months I have truly been seeing things so differently anyway, (despite still thinking about and missing the so-called good stuff) then I read this article. All your posts have taught me so much but this one took it more than a few steps further.

    The guy I had been with for two years moved right in with someone else, a decision he’d made before delivering the final blow.

    I knew he’d been dating her for about two months and they had their own break up, which was where I became hopeful again. Then she came back to him asking him to move in with her. And he did or so he said he was accepting in the very same text he told me he could no longer see me and that I’d always have a piece of his soul.

    Inside of a year I have gone from feeling so unbelievably traumatized and depressed to relief for myself and pity for her.

    We weren’t married and have no kids together. And in fact neither one of us were in a position at the time to be able to live together (too long of a story) but I thank my lucky stars now for all of that.

    Had I been in a place to be able to invite him to move in, I just may have. But on the other hand, I remember feeling like I was on the fence as well.

    He was still in the middle of a divorce and I was struggling with also wanting him to be single for a while, have his own place as a single guy and actually date him without all the bs and drama that had been going on with his stbx. But I also “knew” (didn’t want to admit it) he probably would never be able to do that. And then there was my addiction to him that kept me hooked and not wanting to let him go.

    It was the most confusing time in my life and I’m glad it’s over. But I still have plenty of pieces to pick up. So I’m not even remotely interested in a relationship or even dating. Not from anger though, I know there are good men out there. It’s just more out of wanting the opportunity for a calm single life, getting to know me and becoming the ‘real’ me. :)

    Thanks Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Luann,

      I agree that it is ludrious how emotional and relationship training and education is so null and void, and only comes into the picture after the fact!

      I am so glad you are out, and it is over – and how much of a relief that is to you.

      That is so lovely that you are wanting to connect with you – and learn how to ‘be at one’ with yourself – so nurturing and so important.

      You will know when ths time is right to date, and even then it can be a lovely experience of not needing to rush, taking your time and enjoying the company of men who are True Selves and do not act like narcissists (there are many great guys out there)…and in time creating a connection that is based on a relationship of real healthy love – and not neediness or dependencies…

      Thank you for your post!

      Mel xo

  • Male NPD Survivor
    March 9, 2013

    Mel,
    I noticed that most of the replies here are from abused women, naturally as 75% of Narcs are male. However, it may be helpful to others to inject a male perspective.
    My experience epitomized the Love Bombing or idealization phase in grand style. It was textbook, even meeting her on a popular internet dating site, which is the ideal launching pad for NPD’s on the prowl. We talked for a couple weeks by phone then after I had to go on a three day business trip she insisted that we meet. I wrote about this recently for a post grad curriculum in DSM-5 disorders, an excerpt follows.
    “She made me promise to never go away like that and leave her again. “Don’t ever leave me and go somewhere we cannot be in contact ever again!”
    Again in hindsight this should have been a warning sign, but for me I was just so flattered that I meant that much to such a beautiful woman that I was oddly comforted by it. I then told her, “we should really plan to meet in person soon”. She asked when, this coming weekend would be a good time I answered, as I would be busy with work till then. No sale, she was having none of that. “We have to meet now, tonight!” (Tonight!), was all I could manage in reply. It would take me another 6 hours to get home and I would be dirty and tired. None of that mattered. She was adamant that it had to be tonight no matter how late. She just wanted to meet me for 10 minutes for “a quick hug.” Well how could I refuse?
    We arranged to meet in the parking lot of a local restaurant. I arrived first and after she drove up she sat in her car, not moving, while I was in clear view leaning against my big SUV. I thought oh well, she has seen me and isn’t impressed, so be it. My cell phone rang. It was her and she asked, “are you just going to stand there or come over here and give me that hug?” My heart leaped as I walked over to her car. The driver’s side door flung open and she actually jumped out of her car and up into my arms. She’s 5’-2” tall, I’m 6’-2”. She kept repeating, “Oh my God you’re perfect,,, Oh my God you’re perfect”, four times as I recall. How cool is that? I mean she’s a knock out, intelligent, sophisticated, witty, cute in manner, and she thinks I’m perfect? I was done, stick a fork in me, I’m hopelessly gone.
    We chose a quiet booth away from the sparse late night crowd that afforded us some degree of privacy. She refused to sit across the table from me and insisted upon sitting next to me. This was of course fine with me as I was enjoying every single aspect of her presence. I first noticed her incredible smile and perfect white teeth. Now you’ve heard it said that a person can light up a room when they smile, well she was the president of that club. I mean her whole face lit up when she smiled and it literally changed me inside to see her beaming up at me. I had never known such intoxicating feelings by simply being in a woman’s presence. Her personal charisma and energy were off the charts. I sat in utter disbelief that anyone so amazing could even exist.
    But the really astonishing thing is that I was the cool one by comparison.
    She was fawning over me much more so than I was her. I was playing it cool so as not to scare her off. This really took me back as no woman had ever looked at me with such absolute and complete adoration. She began touching me constantly, running her hand up and down my forearm. Then she surprised me and unbuttoned my long sleeve shirt cuff and rubbed my arm underneath the sleeve. Eventually she unbuttoned my shirt front right there in public. When I looked sideways at her she sheepishly said I’m sorry I can’t stop feeling you. It’s just that I somehow have to assure myself that you’re actually real! I can’t believe that anyone so perfect for me exists!”
    It got even more embarrassing but you get the idea. She really hooked me good. So much so that in 6 months we were married. Now 6 years of pain and devaluation later I was thrown out on the street, broke and broken with no place to go. I’m going through a divorce and in counseling.
    Thank God for this and other resources. I am healing well now and have studied over 18 books and do a lot of writing. I appreciate you all allowing me to inject. Sorry it went a bit long, but I’m passionate.
    God bless you all.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Male NPD Surviver,

      this has been wonderful that you have posted your story – and I agree it is terrific to get a male perspective.

      Female love bombers obviously can use their sexuality powerfully – and undersatndably a male can be very susceptible to an attractive NPD female.

      You absolutely were getting very big red flags regarding her urgency, neediness and sense of entitlement – even though it was cloaked in such femininity.

      I am so sorry you went through your horrific ordeal, and it is so good that now you know the truth and are getting help.

      It’s also great that you are passionate about getting your message out to others. Absolutely this happens to men too.

      Thank you so much for sharing :)

      Mel xo

  • REBECCA
    March 9, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I signed up for the NARP program back in December and have found the resources most helpful.

    I’ve read many of the stories on your website, including your own and sometimes I feel I’m perhaps not ‘justified’ enough to be part of the community, as my dysfunctional relationship was only five months but it did take a major toll on me emotionally, mentally and physically.

    I’m writing to you because it’s been five months since I left the man but I’m still plagued at times with painful thoughts and memories. The pain ebbs and flows, seemingly it is at its worst on the weekends when I have time to mull over the past. I’m trying very hard to regain ‘power’ over my thoughts and to not let them dictate/control my emotions but it is a work in progress.

    My question to you, is that although I know I was in a very dysfunctional relationship that was rooted in deception, I’m not 100% sure whether the character in question was a narcissist or not. On the outside despite often being quite moody, he never treated me badly (although we were only together for a short period). I did find out however (at the end) that he was unfaithful the whole time we were together, he had got back with an ex girlfriend that he had broken up with twice before, he was communicating sexually with over a dozen girls (from all over the world) over the phone and computer and I have no doubt he was sleeping with a few of them when he got the chance (he travelled a lot). There were obvious signs that he was emotionally unavailable as he went through a divorce 2 years prior and had a few ‘proper’ relationships since then but would end up sabotaging/ending them when the girl requested more or the expectations of the relationship increased…he also was never monogamous in these relationships.

    The reason why I suspect he was a narcissist is because when he met me, he was over the top with attention and affection even asking if he could ‘take care of me’ after the second date. He made me feel completely unique to any other woman he had ever met. When I found his sexual communications/photos with many other woman, I realised the fellow had an extremely low self esteem and needed constant validation from outside sources. The fact that he lied about all his cheating ways and the other women in his life to me and everyone else – (he was even declaring love over the text to the ex, whilst I was in his bed!) suggest behaviours of a man that is incapable of real emotion, honesty and integrity – but in your opinion, would you call him a narcissist?

    Thank you for your time,

    Becky.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2013

      Hi Rebecca,

      I am so glad NARP has helped you.

      Please do not ever think you are not worthy of being here – narc abuse is narc abuse – no matter how long the duration was.

      Ok in regard to the pain you are still feeling – this is what the NARP process is all about – it is about rather than trying to mull though or even ‘deal’ with the emotional pain mentally, it is about going to the healing Modules feeling deeply in to the pain ‘what is this about’ and then using the QFH process to work deeply on it and clear it.

      This means that not just the ‘pain’ gets shifted, but your unhealed parts that stull exist that are manufacturing the pain to keep coming up (knowing that the narc was only the catalyst showing up for us what we need to heal and where we are not – as yet – a solid source to ourself).

      You said you have found the resources helpful – but I can tell (as opposed by people who do dedicate to the MP3s) that you are not as yet working the healings enough…

      In these weekends when you have time – rather than ‘mull’ – you need to be doing the work on yourself.

      Honey – how can a serial cheater and pathological liar not be narcissistic?

      Becky please get to those healings – and heal the parts of you that need to – and know as a part of NARP support you can email me direct with any questions you have, what the specific unresolved pain is, or how to tackle it, transform it and release it.

      This is exactly what you need to be doing – and truly we would not even be having this conversation…

      Hugs and get to it sweetie!

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 9, 2013

    Hi K,

    you may or may not be right – as truly some of the details are so eerily familiar – yet are not the same ‘person’.

    If you are meant to know ‘correlations’ they will turn up point blank.

    Truly we all experienced the same lesson just via different catalysts.

    Mel xo

  • REBECCA
    March 9, 2013

    P.S Also just to add – he was always riddled with issues and problems, it was emotionally draining as he was never ‘content’…I stupidly tried to counsel and fix.

  • Lisa
    March 10, 2013

    I cannot believe this article! Reading it is like reading my entire 13 year relationship with my ex! This article has also provided a lot of answers for me and I really appreciate you providing this, thank you. I have now been able to ‘fill in the gaps’ of why he did certain things and why in the end, he left after I ‘dried’ up his supply. I also understand, which broke my heart at the time, why he immediately signed up to numerous internet dating sites (it was plastered all over our joint credit card statement!)he was trawling for his next victim, his next ‘fix’. Sadly I can see I did not mean anything to him, I was his supply to feed his sick behaviour! Unfortunately he did sap the life out of me but with this new understanding, I can hopefully move on.
    Thank you :-)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 10, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      I am so glad the article has resonated with you and granted more clarity.

      I truly do hope this knowledge and further acceptance can help you heal.

      Mel xo

  • Juliana
    March 10, 2013

    Hi Melanie, and everyone else who posted here. I am 35 y/o professional, independent, attractive woman, living in NYC who attracted a narcissist in my life and is experiencing a lot of turmoil right now, as i am trying to make a clean break from him
    Let me say I that i absorb everything you write here because it is SO TRUE, and calming and reassuring. It is truly a blessing to have you and your work available to me. I have hesitated to share anything about my situation until now, because I was fearful of being judged. But in the last several months, I have grown to be more self-assured, more aware, truthful and honest with myself, and more determined to maintain a DO NOT CONTACT with my narcissist bf.
    Ive been in a relationship with a married narcissist for 5 years. It is bewildering to me that I have stayed so long! It was always a painful, frustrating, surreal experience with him. He lied, cheated, manipulated me and made my mind and emotions spin out of control. He brought out the worst in me, anger, resentment, wanting to be vindictive, all a reaction to his horrible abuse and neglect. The fact he is married only made things worse. I have broken up with him something like 100 times, never lasted beyond a few days or a couple of weeks at best; I have blocked his emails and calls, then, after a while, he got thru to me at work number or email and I always ended up unblocking him. What I still find inexplicable and hard to fight, is how irresistible he has always seemed to me. I was and still am addicted to the sex, which is the incredible high he provides, and the pain and drama. Because I can’t explain my inability to Stay away from him insofar. I am at the moment not speaking to him, and each time I hope and pray it’s permanent. The funny thing is that,
    Whenever I’m away from him, my life is good, I take care of my needs, am at peace, I practice my yoga and meditation, do things that nourish my soul. As soon as I open the door to him, I’m back to a state of agitation, uncertainty, turbulation and arguments.
    Why can’t I just stay away??
    After a few days or a week away from him I start feeling as if I can’t breathe, I’m on edge, it truly feels like a drug addict’s symptoms of withdrawal!
    I suppose that It doesn’t help that I grew up with an emotionally unavailable and abusive father and I realize my issues stem from that and remain unresolved. My I am so afraid I’ll end up alone, and often find myself unconsciously choosing to try and correct his behavior, make him care more, show me he loves me etc, even though on a rational level I know that’s impossible and illogical.
    In every aspect of my life I’m centered, successful, know how to maintain boundaries. Yet he continues to break down all my walls and hard work. Hopefully from now on I can stay strong and resist him.
    I read all these wonderful people’s comments and I feel their pain and struggle. I’d like to offer my email address to anyone who wants to talk, or who lives in NYC and might want to meet and share our experiences and fight this together. God knows not everyone in our lives understands what we are going through and we all need support. I know I do.
    Email: singlerose77@yahoo.com.
    Peace and love to all.
    And thank you, Melanie for making my journey out of the dark feel less like an insurmountable task.
    Juliana

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 10, 2013

      Hi Juliana,

      thank you for your post.

      Truly, it is very common for highly intelligent and capable people to get taken by narcs.

      The reason being is that our wounds which made us susceptible to narcs are not to do with ‘logic’ – they are deeply unresolved emotional issues – and often high degrees of intelligence and accomplishment and capabilities have been a way of ‘making up’ for the emotional wounds that still exist ‘inside’.

      Because our inner wounds were never created from ‘logic’, they can’t be healed with ‘logic’…and this is why talking, sharing and conceptualising is never the true healing solution.

      If you haven’t already watched these videos they can help you understand what these inner wounds are about – and how to address them – so that you can break free and get well – and stop this pattern every occurring again in your life.

      http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeoxHYnKu6R7YdWwyRqhz1bmUU5t_tBbB

      I hope this helps :)

      Mel xo

  • Cheri
    March 10, 2013

    Wonderful article….PERFECT! I have a question though….The Narcissist that I just ended things with..was also my high school sweetheart….we broke up 34 yrs ago. Went on to have different lives..2 and half years ago he came back…doing all the tings you have described here. Only using the “I never got over you card.” But he def used Love Bombing…. Question…..will he try and come back..later? I kind of turned the tables on him towards the end…and gave him back exactly what he was giving me..all the ugly remarks and put downs…it was easy I think because I knew him from the past..so I had extra ammunition. Also..is it possible for them to get so deep into our heads that we pick up these narc tendencies ourselves???

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 10, 2013

    Hi Cheri,

    Because you have confronted him – and exposed that you knew what he is by mirroring it back to him – he may not.

    The best ways to get rid of a narcissist are to either give them back ‘what they do’ – narcs recoil at ‘seeing’ their real selves, or to state point blank you know they are a narc and unless they own and deal with their issues without any projection or scapegoating (and refuse to accept any) you want nothing to do with them. That will send them away too.

    Narc abuse is insidious and certainly does take a great deal of evicting (healing)…but the results are so worth it :)

    Mel xo

    • Cheri
      March 11, 2013

      Thank you Melanie, for answering my question. I hated every second I was “giving” back to him. I felt hateful and mean…but, after months of his browbeating, I saw no other recourse. I grew up with a N mother..and my dad was an enabler/Narc. I didn’t realize this until recently, when I begin researching this personality disorder….so, as you can imagine, back in HS…between my parents and this boyfriend..I was a mess..but thought it was a problem with me..my mind…my being. When he came back…he eventually blamed me for his 3 failed marriages..the fact he hasn’t ever held a job, why he joined the Army (and now has PTSD) and the strained relationships with his children! This time though something in me snapped and I said enough is enough! I still have days where I question my sanity and my motives…perhaps I am no better than these people..etc…I am learning that the issues are with these people and their lack of self. Been an interesting journey so far. I can’t wait for the day that I can get through 24 hours without somehow feeling that I am not good enough. :-)

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 11, 2013

        Hi Cheri,

        you are very welcome.

        Have you tried any of my free Quanta Healings Sessions to get the ‘yuck’ from the Projective Identification from the narcs in your life out of your body?

        It really does help. On the welcome page is the link to my videos. If you watch them you can understnd what your body has absorbed, and why we ‘take it on’. In Video 3 there is a healing session that you can do, which will explain and show to you how to release the ‘stuff’ as well as the painful beliefs.

        The full versions of these healings which are specific to recovery from narc abuse are in NARP.

        I hope this helps.

        Mel xo

  • Madonna
    March 10, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    How I wished I’d read this 4 years ago. My problem now is that I can’t believe I was such an idiot. I’m also wondering, because I identify with everyone who has posted here, is it possible that narcs access the same group consciousness? They all seem the same. Same methods of everything. Are their true selves so inactive that there is a group narc consciousness they default to? I feel I could move out and away from my narc. Swap places with another unfortunate lady to live with hers and we truly wouldn’t notice a difference. Only the face would change.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2013

      Hi Madonna,

      yes we all wish we knew – but truly it wasn’t our journey to….

      It is really important you love, forgive and accept yourself regading what happened and your choices – it is so important in order to be free to create your great life – otherwise you will stay stuck – and you deserve so much better!

      Yes it is true that it is a common consciousness…absolutely. A no-self – needing constant outide validation with a very precarious self-loathing inner (unresolved internalised abuse)acts out in identical ways…this is why narcs ‘all do the same things’.

      Incredible – I was having a conversation with my beautician this morning, who knows nothing about narcissists, and she started telling me about a relationship she had when she was younger. I said ‘Did he do …a,b,c,d..?’ And she said ‘How on earth did you know that?’

      The behaviour, pathological lies and fabricated smear campaigns were totally consistent! The great thing is she got out – had a firm sense of self, didn’t battle and take it personally – wanted to ‘find herself’ and get comfortable in her own skin and regain herself and is now in wonderful relationship.

      Every time he ‘did worse’ she took it as firm conformation she was better off without him, and NEVER caved in on No Contact – fabulous stuff!

      The point being of my post – YES narcs acts the same.

      Mel xo

  • Lynn
    March 11, 2013

    Melanie, I am so grateful to you for this article and all the insight and strength you have provided me over the past 5 months. I’ve been employing “no contact” that long and happy to report I have not and will not cave. My ex-narcissist still tries to make inroads, but your compassionate insight has fueled my resolve and helped protect my heart from further damage. Thank you for sharing this desperately needed and incredibly valuable information. You have given me my life back, and I cannot thank you enough. Please keep up the good work, and best wishes always! Lynn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2013

      Hi Lynn,

      you are very welcome!

      This is wonderful that you will not cave, I am so glad I can help – and you are very welcome :)

      Mel xo

  • Amber Thomas
    March 11, 2013

    Hey Melanie. I just exited my first narcissistic (and hopefully my last) relationship in September of 2012. The man I loved and had given my time, attention, energy and committment to was like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde and so I finally got up the courage to cut him out of my life. I actually did no contact on my own. He wanted us to remain friends but I told him no. Then in February of 2013 I found out he had gotten married. I was floored. I was not jealous and he did have the right to move on because I no longer wanted him, but it did cause me to feel “schizophrenic” I guess you could say. I thought at the moment I found out that our entire relationship had been a lie and the man I had known and loved did not exist. Now, I had never heard about you or narcissistic abuse so at this time I was having an extremely emotinoal and psychological dose of post traumatic stress disorder. WEll my mother introduced me to you and your words started changing my life almost over night. Everything I read, I thought Melanie must have interviewed my ex before she wrote this becuase this is him to the tee. Anyway, He has called me once since he got married and I am just ignorning him. I have him blocked on email, and facebook and I thought he was blocked from my phone, but apparently with the phone service i have you have to block each # individually and someone has to call you from it in order to block it. (it is an american prepaid service) and so i just let him go to voicemail and then i erased the message without listening. ( I am sure he wanted the last word and was trying to control the situation). My question to you is do you think he will stay away now that he is married? We live close enough to run into each other, but I just try my best to stay clear. Also, I am doing your new 10 week email program and my strong faith is helping me along with you to push him as far into my past as possible and then leave him there. I do struggle though with triggers. His favorite color is red and he owns a sports car. Anytime I see a red sports car, he pops in my head. He also really was into super man (actually that should have been a red flag cause he is well into his 40′s) He is obsessed with super man. Well of course this is America and there is super man crap everywhere. ANytime I see any, trigger. His name is also very common. I wont put it in this comment becuase that will give it importance, but I hear his name several times a week. Also a trigger. What suggestions can you give me so that I wont be as bothered by the triggers? I dont want to get off course and relapse. Thank You. Amber

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2013

      Hi Amber,

      Wow that was a quick rebound – even for a narc…but it certainly can happen.

      Understandable you are shocked. Please know that it will end up exactly the smae way for her (poor lady) total idealisation followed by extreme devaluation – there is no other possible outcome.

      Thank god YOU are not his new wife.

      Narcs are greedy, they love to keep exes as ‘supply’…so yes he may try again – so block everything and keep deleting – and do not give him the possibility of keeping you on the hook.

      The PTSD is very common. I have found that the best way (for me and many others) to get out of the PTSD quickly and powerfully (and definitively) is to do the deep energetic healing work. These processes are in NARP and it would help you really align with and claim your recovery.

      Mel xo

  • claude
    March 11, 2013

    Hi Melanie,my question is why do they put so much effort into the relationship for the early parts as in helping me find a place buying things for me as I was only 5 months out of a marriage when I met her ,only to sabotage it with their behaviour everything they do correct about having a normal relationship.she ended it in June last year only for me to get sucked back into believing she still had feelings for me in October,and kept leading me on until i found out she was stringing me along while she had someone else that she was using or seeing even though she denied 3 times to me.after that it was in hands of police as there was an incident that occurred.til this day she has never apologized from when it happened,i sent her a letter after it happened saying please do not contact me again.thankfully she hasn’t up until now.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2013

      Hi Claude,

      it is really important to understand the motive is always and only ‘securing narcissistic supply’.

      Narcissists work hard to make you dependent on them, believe they are indispensible in your life, and that they are the centre of your Universe. It is all a part of entrapment (insurance to keep getting NS).

      You can’t look at this from a normal ‘human model’…

      From our normal model WHY on earth would you go to all that trouble to declare through actions and words ‘I am committed to you’ then blow up over a slight, start malisciously maimimg and do all the behaviour that can ONLY make you want to get away from them?

      You HAVE to know this Claude – it wasn’t ‘you’ that was important it was the narcissistic supply – you were simply a dispenser…which means you are totally replaceable.

      When it came down to ‘you’ or retaining the mask and staying in a False Self, you were always going to come off a very poor second best.

      You won’t get an apology Claude, because you are dealing with a narcissist – which means zero accountability.

      A narcissist simply does not care about anyone else enough to be genuinely accountable, and if it is feigned there is always an agenda of NS connected to it.

      I hope this helps, and you can realise you are not dealing with a ‘normal human’ so don’t try to work it our from your map of the world – that is futile.

      Mel xo

  • Kay
    March 13, 2013

    Met him in college an i kick myself for being such a naive 17 year old I was with my narc ex for nearly 3 years I should have broke it off alot sooner!!! And yes I loved him truth is he never really loved me. We got engaged but I see now all I was, his supply. At the start yep love bombing even while we we was mates! It was way over the top and I was stupid to think it was genuine! He had a physical illness then I found out later on aspergers after almost a year the abuse set in! He was controlling from the next year Also. First was small stuff pushes slaps but it got worse spitting biting punching kicking suffocating etc too painful to discuss but finally got out for good last year at last! Despite him coming round 3 months later begging for his supply back I showed him the door an someone I was with rang the police he was then warned to keep well away from me as he is dangerous to my well being! Since then had a right life of crap and still suffering :( oh well my own fault for being a naive teen.
    I’m 21 now

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2013

      Hi Kay,

      it is tough that you went through this – however it is a wonderful opportunity to heal and clean up boundaries at such a young age – and then not have to go through this in mid-life.

      Believe me you don’t have to be a teen to be naive!! That is wonderful that you got strong, honoured yourself and showed him the door and meant it!

      You do have an incredible life to live :)

      Mel xo

  • Miriam
    March 13, 2013

    Thanks so much for posting this information. I have never heardit put so clearly and so eloquently. You have stated a harsh truth. That a relationship with a N is not based on anything real, AND was never about you. I wish I had been privy ti thi information 20 years ago! I had a fantastic life before I got married. Great fmaily, good friends, and an inspiring future. I got “hooked” by a N that I was introduced to through a college friend. For many years after saying “I do” I could never understand where I went so wrong. I am not a stupid person. After some time I realized that I had been duped. Everything this other person presented himself to be was a flat out lie. Ony after the marriage license was dry did the monster take off his mask. He began making statements and behaving in ways that were completely foreign to anything he held himself out to be before, and definately opposite to every value and belief that I have as a human being. Anyway, I know now, and I am NOT the same naive person I was 20 years ago. Thank you Melanie for the valuable work that you are doing and also for getting this information into the hands and lives of those who so desperately need answers. God bless you for what you are doing. I am sure you are helping to reach more people who suffer at the hands of N’s than you will ever know! Knowledge IS power!
    miriam

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2013

      Hi Miriam,

      you are so welcome.

      I truly do beleive with all of us that our relationships (no matter how they looked) were meant to be. They have allowed us to grow, heal and truly work on our inner self-love, truths (values) and deservedness.

      It is great now that you can take the gift and create your true life.

      Mel xo

  • Deborah
    March 13, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    I love your work it has helped me so much. Thank you so much.
    My relationship was for 5 years but I was trying to get away for 2 years but we kept going back and worth. Everything about the relationship is so typical of what everyone else has described. Reading everyone else’s comments above also have answered so many of my questions.
    I have no doubt he has NPD. He is wealthy and currently love bombing his most recent relationship he has acquired I would believe. I am still a bit naughty I am afraid because I could see his profile on the dating internet. I know it is so wrong. He tried to hook me back in by sending me a small gift in the mail in January this year just a few days before my birthday. Well actually it wasn’t a gift really it was a fitting control for a ceiling fan which he knew I had needed for a long time. He sent me a small note with it saying he didn’t need it and thought I could do with it. Anyway, rather than ignore I just responded with a “Thank You” in an SMS and that was all. Well I never heard anything else from him. Well knowing his pattern I looked on the internet and saw he had put a most charming new profile 1 day before my birthday. Well 5 weeks later he has taken it down.
    Tonight I am I guess struggling with all the trauma and disbelief that he was my knight in shining armour.’
    I guess I am on not on the other side yet 100% as a small part of me still hopes he will change. Of course he won’t.
    Melanie, the whole relationship was like sweet and sour. I never had so much fun in my life. But OH, the flip side and the verbal, emotional abuse, abandonment, infidelity, broken promises etc. After every break-up he would be with someone else within a few days. He even cancelled trips with me hours before telling me he was taking someone else. I guess this is all classic NPD.
    But a question Melanie. He met someone last year and within a few weeks he was taking her overseas. I couldn’t believe it. He had only known her a short time. That relationship has obviously broken up because he told me when he was seeing her “Do you honestly believe I would end up with her when she has children. Can you see me with someone else’s kids.”
    Well I told him if he went overseas that was it between him & I and I meant it.
    (It has been No contact by phone or email now for 5 months except for that 1 SMS).
    Melanie, when he was overseas with his new girlfriend his Mother rang me out of the blue (first time ever) and wanted to know why we weren’t together and that he loved me. She wanted to take me out for lunch. I was pleasant to her but told her I was concerned about his anger. She said he was harmless. When he got back form overseas he rang me to say he did not ask his mother to do it and was angry that I had said to her that he has anger problems.
    All I can say is Thank God I didn’t go out for lunch with his mother. I wanted to but I could not do that and say how wonderful her son was. I loved him and unfortunately I still love him. I will not however contact him again. I know it will just result in the same circus and Merry-Go-round and trauma.
    It’s still painful but I am doing lots of work on myself and have maintained no contact.
    The question is that he totally idolises his mother. I mean totally idolises like I have never seen before in my life with anyone. He takes her on overseas trips. Just the 2 of them. He takes her interstate at least 6 times a year for at least 2 weeks at a time. I was left home of course. He sees her every day. She does all his cooking, washing, ironing for him. He can afford a cleaner so he pays for that.
    I never met his Dad, he passed away but apparently was very strict and told him he would never be successful. Well financially he is now but that is all. He has never been married with no kids.
    I have sometimes wondered if his Mother is also Narcissistic because she completely idolizes him over the daughter and she has told me so.
    I couldn’t understand why she never tried when I was with him to be warm, friendly and welcolming. Yet she rings me to tell me she would be happy to have me in the family when he is overseas with another women.
    To be honest I felt insulted. I would have got out for lunch anytime with her if she had told him but not when he is overseas with another women. I was very concerned about all the dramas this would have caused when he got back if I had upset his Mother whom is on a pedestal. She has him on a pedestal as well.
    Is this mother/son thing common? I mean I know all mother love their sons but seriously I could give many,many examples but I believe their relationship is extreme. He told me he is going to be a mess when his Mother passes away.
    I just wonder why his Mother can’t set him straight on his NPD or maybe she is one too?
    I so badly wanted to go out for lunch and heal the relationship with her son but I just felt the whole thing was wrong and I couldn’t go without being straight about her sons shortcomings and she would not have liked that. I had a feeling that she wanted to tell me that if I towed the line and and went along with him I would have a great life. That is because financially he is very well off. He himself told me that I had to be subservient and it had to be 90/10 his way of course. I couldn’t believe it.
    Why can’t his Mother see his behaviour is unhealthy Melanie?
    I bet this new relationship won’t last long either.
    I love re-reading your posts especially like now when I am struggling today. I am getting better without him I know I am but I still love him.
    I just know I can’t be with him.
    Sorry is a bit long-winded.
    Thanks again for all your great work Mel.
    I also recently encountered a new female female friend who was NPD. The relationship lasted 3 months. The damage, pain that was caused in 3 months was excrutiating.
    I think I was vulnerable. However I picked up on it quickly that it was another NPD. Never again with an NPD.
    Thanks again Mel. I think with your posts and work that was how I have learned so much and was able to pick up on it.
    God Bless Mel xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2013

      Hi Deborah,

      You are very welcome, and I am glad my material has helped.

      Deborah you are describing NPD, and you are describing what most of us went through the feelings of hope, the difficulty letting go etc.

      In regard to his mother – there are NPDs rather then be rejected, abused by their mothers were totally engulfed and idolised by them …(this is actually just as psychologically damaging as ‘neglect’)…this is ALSO a strong recipe to create NPD.

      His Mother can’t see his behaviour is unhealthy because she is unhealthy…We have to remember not only is the narcissist incapable of being aligned with ‘an acceptable (healthy) human model’, often his family of origin has very limited ability to do so either.

      In regard to feeling like you still ‘love’ him’ Deborah – (and this stands for everyone who remains ‘in love’ with narcs…and of course was something I needed to heal as well)…what is it within YOU that requires this healing wake up call..in order to get sorted on what ‘love’ is to yourself (between you and you) and from other people.

      The real questions and healing (in order to recover from this) are ‘Why do I believe love equals being abused?’…why is that familiar, normal or acceptable?…What does that say about How Much I love myself?

      Truly Deborah you can’t say ‘never again’ – because for all of us – water seeks its own level, it isn’t until we heal, and look within ourselves for the answers, and work hard to transform what IS presently going on in there, and make the focus all about ourself (our inner beliefs and wounds) that we are not going to keep repeat the same patterns, keep running our old scrips (this pain / abuse equals love)and keep being attracted to and targeted by people who are going to keep delivering those old scripts to us…

      This is why to stop the pain, to stop feeling like ‘we still love’ an abuser, and to break free into healthy attractions / connections and love patterns we have got to do the inner work.

      That is exactly why I created the NARP Program – in order to stop the agony and illusions, break off our old Inner Identity ‘stories’ that aren’t serving us and create true inner healing.

      Hence why the people in the community that are moving powerfully forward into great lives and new narc-free realities, and breaking the old patterns are the people who do the inner work…so many of the people who don’t – stay stuck in the old patterns and ‘stories’…because when our focus is on narcissists and not taking personal responsibility to use the pain / event / destruction to dedicate to our own inner transformation – then our subconscious ‘story’ (ingrained painful pattern)still remains..

      And it is EXACTLY that pattern that makes you believe ‘you still love him’…

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • Deborah
    March 13, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    I just wanted to add that I went for counselling when I felt depressed and I feel had PTSD. I mean he threatened my career, my job, my livelihood and house stating he had never owned a house in ‘——-’ before. This was all because I would have the anxiety attacks after his outlandish behaviour and I would phone him several times. I know that is wrong but I guess I was giving him his Narcissistic Supply.
    I mean he was the one that was financial. I even offered to sign a pre-Nup if we got together so he would know I was not after his
    money.
    I read your response earlier in the post about why other family/friends still think they are wonderful.
    Was just curious If this Mother/Son obsession thing is a common theme?
    Mel your posts helped me more and gave me more insight that the psychologist ever did. I agree that very often traditional counselling does not work for NPD especially if the councillor has not been through it themselves.
    Thanks again Mel. I appreciate all your dedication to this subject. It is much needed. You are a leader in this field..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2013

      Hi Deborah again :)

      The Mother / Son thing can definetly happen…often when a mother does not get enough attention from her husband and puts the son in his place – emotionally….yes it does happen…and engulfment creates NPD…very often..

      The reason why I believe contemporary therapy doesn’t usually work is not even so much people don’t understand narcissism fully – it is because there are not the inner transformational tools avalaible to do inner work…

      Logical discussions and information does not work at a deep enough level to heal and transform belief systems (even if the Information is SPOT ON) – which only creates the common human pain of ‘I know I shouldn’t be doing / feeling like this (logically) but I can’t stop it happening.’

      Nothing changes TRULY in our life until we transform at an inner level.

      Mel xo

  • GP
    March 14, 2013

    Melanie,

    Like so many others, I am SO appreciative of all of the information and advice you share, and I very much look forward to your weekly blogs. This piece on “love bombing” in particular struck a chord with me. I have been working on myself and digesting your materials over the last 4 months since my narcissist performed his final discard of me (at least it appears to be final this time). Our relationship lasted 5 years and fit to a “t” the typical narcissistic pattern. What a relief when I finally found information about NPD so that it all finally made sense! I had mislabeled him as bipolar the entire time because my father was bipolar and that’s what I knew so well. But, certain of my narcissist’s traits, such as the lack of conscience and remorse, just didn’t fit the bipolar model, so it was so enlightening to finally find the appropriate label for his issues.

    In any event, when I first met him, the longest relationship he had been in before was about 1.5 years. I could see his relationships all ended in the same pattern (i.e., him jumping ship immediately to the next woman when he was finished with the current one). He promptly told me when we met that he would never get married because it wasn’t consistent with “his nature” (yes, huge red flag). He always was upfront that he had a dark side, and I went in understanding this, but without truly foreseeing the abuse I’d eventually endure. Again, the model I worked with was what I had seen with my bipolar father, who was actually appreciative of the support and care my mother and I provided and who fought hard against his illness his entire life. And, for reasons too complicated to go into here, I actually did not want a long-term relationship with anyone when I met my narcissist. I simply enjoyed the intellectual and physical connection we had and only intended our relationship to be about interesting adventures with a very interesting man for some period of time until the relationship lost energy.

    Well, flash forward 5 years, and we were still together after more break-ups and passionate reconciliations than I can count. During this time, he told me time and time again that I was so “special” and that I was the only person, other than his mom, who he ever trusted because I was always so straightforward (which I am). (By the way, his father abandoned them when my narcissist was 3 years old and was never heard from again.) I was the only person, other than his mom, who ever truly knew and understood him in his life. And, I was the only woman he continued to crave physically after several years. Other women simply didn’t know how to “handle” him physically. And, he begins to sing a different tune about marriage. Now, he desperately wants to get married and have kids. His mom was putting pressure on him to start a family under the theory that it would somehow calm him down and bring him peace. I think he also felt that, as he is now in his mid-30s and finally found his dream job, he would gain approval and attention from society by playing by the rules, stopping his playboy ways, and setting up the perfect white picket fence family. And, after 5 years with him, I would have loved to marry him and start a family, if only he could stop seeing other women ….

    However, while he hints at marriage with me occasionally when we are in one of our “magical” modes, and while he gives me credit for teaching him the value and possibility of a long-term relationship for him (which he originally did not believe he could sustain), during the down times between us, he tells me that he and I have too much “history” to actually get married. Meanwhile, I have become increasingly irritated with the continual parade of other woman on the side. While he is telling me he is no longer seeing other women because, in his words, he is “saturated with this BS,” I know he is still seeing others because, after 5 years of staunchly avoiding spying on him, I’ve finally started to snoop into his communications (he had revealed passwords to me in the past in a drunken moment, but I never used them because it felt wrong to spy). So, now I push back forcefully and tell him I’m tired of him lying about the other women.

    What do I get? Yep, the silent treatment for 3 weeks. In 5 years, we’d never gone more than a few days without contact. Then, after 3 weeks of silence, he emerges out of nowhere one morning with saucy texts and emails to me. Then, two days later, he tells me he has met the love of his life, is planning to marry her, and that we are over. We have intermittent friends-only e-mail contact over the next two months, during which I am as positive as I can muster honestly about his new relationship and during which I honestly tell him that I am happy if he is happy. Eventually, he tells me we can never communicate again because it would not be “appropriate” toward the woman he will “spend the rest of my life with and our future family.” This stung badly because he knew I wanted to spend my life with him and have a family with him. Moreover, he never worried about acting appropriately toward me with regard to other women, and now suddenly, this woman he has only known for a few months receives this courtesy I never received. We’ve been complete no contact now for just shy of two months.

    Basically, after 5 years of our roller coaster of a relationship, he meets a new woman, decides within a few weeks that she is “the one,” the “love of his life,” that he had this image of the perfect woman for him, but he never thought she existed until he met her, and that he has never been so satisfied and happy in his whole life. Within 3 months, they are engaged and receiving all the kudos and congratulations he could ever hope for by their chronicling their entire dating and engagement process on Facebook. Apparently, his answer to the problem he had with me of having too much “history” to get married is to get married to someone before any “history” can actually accrue.

    So Melanie, while I am working on healing myself, as your materials suggest, there is still that lingering doubt in my head that wonders, “is he really a narcissist?,” and “is it possible that he in fact has truly found the right woman so quickly and they will live happily ever after?” And this is where your “love bombing” post really stuck the chord with me. Everything you have described fits his new relationship completely from my remote vantage point. For whatever reason, knowing that in fact the new relationship is on a track to failure (however long that track may end up being), does help. It doesn’t help from the perspective that I wish any harm on this woman. To the contrary, I’m sick to my stomach thinking what she will eventually endure, and even worse, she has children … and I’m shocked he would date someone with children because I can’t imagine him sharing the limelight with his own children, let alone another man’s children. But, it does help from the perspective of realizing that none of this is or ever was about me being a good or a bad mate (other than about my own issues that attracted and sustained this junk). Our 5 years weren’t about me as a good or bad mate, and his discarding of me and sailing off immediately with his “perfect love” isn’t about me either (nor is it about her being a perfect female specimen). It’s about the needs, patterns, and processes of the narcissist that you describe in your blog. This does bring me peace in understanding.

    Thank you again so much for all of your work. Your words reach many of us in the darkest of times and help lead us back into the light.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2013

      Hi GP,

      yes it can seem very bi-polar…loving one minute and then devalue, discard (vengeance) the next…but you are right bi-polar people absolutely have a conscience…hence for a bi-polar it is more a chemical inbalance rather than an ingrained personality condition.

      Okay GP…I have to ask – what work are you doing on yourself….because what I am hearing is that you are still focusing intensely on trying to work him out – and you state ‘the final discard hopefully’….what this says to me is ‘I am NOT sure if this is over..’

      All of your other questions are also doing cognitive resonance, are still attached to him and wondering if you have it wrong.

      This really tells me you are NOT doing the deep inner healing on yourself.

      This is certainly not criticsm, it is observation – because I was once there – and I always know from dealing with so many people over the years the difference with people who are (deeply in their own transformation processes – where it is about healing THEIR patterns) and people who aren’t (who are still hooked in emotionally and the focus is on the narc).

      You are right him discarding is NOT about you being a good or bad partner, him sailing off is not about you being a good enough female specimen – it is about the narc cycle of idealise then devalue / discard…(they all do it).

      Okay so that is HIS stuff…

      NOW the inner transformation is about YOUR stuff, (as it is with all of us)…And these are the questions I had to ask myself (I’m leading the way here) and these were the things I had to find and heal at a deep inner level to heal from narc abuse…

      1) Why is my relationship pattern with non-avaliable (personality disordered people) – and what does that say about my inner relationship with myself?

      2) Why do I tolerate horrendous abuse, want to stay attached to someone and still believe ‘I love’ this person – when their behaviour is clearly NOT loving – and what does that say about my internal beliefs about LOVE?

      3) What parts of me I am playing out in repeat patterns in regard to myself, love and relationships that are not serving me, and

      4) I accept and recognise ‘water seeks its own level’..I can only attract where I am at with my relationship with MYSELF – as far as prospective partners..therefore what wounds, beliefs and partnership aspects with myself do I need to find, heal and clean up because I am having these painful experiences?

      That is what created relief, breakthroughs, changes of the patterns and ZERO attraction/ connection/ obsession re the narcissist..

      None of this came through psychology, counselling (cognitive), books, articles, or finding out everything I could about narcissists – these things were only temporary relief and supplements.

      The real changes came from deeply and determinedly working on my inner self to TRANSFORM me..

      As is the case for all of us – this is never about the narcissist, he is NOT you! This is always about healing ourself…the narcissist was simply a catalyst showing up in your life experience so that you could get the wake up call (enough pain) to heal yourself.

      Mel xo

  • Deborah
    March 14, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    Thankyou. Yes I agree that I have to do more healing. I feel I have come a long way. I need to go over and redo the NARP program and so some more healings. I know I am getting there Mel I just have these setbacks every now and then. Thanks for all your support. It truly is the best support out there to know we are not alone. I do feel I am getting stronger and will continue to do so. Sometimes I feel so proud of myself when I think of how long I have had NC. The hooks have been dangled in front of me but I haven’t put any bait on them. More power to me! xxxx

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 14, 2013

    Hi Deborah,

    you are welcome :)

    It is really important to train yourself to realise ‘If it hurts it’s to do with an inner part of me I haven’t healed yet’….PERIOD!

    Than my love rather than trying to get logical answers outside of you (which does not grant inner transformation) you can use the QFH in NARP and take ‘what hurts’ to a healing sessions (regularly – when it comes up) and do the work.

    Then not only does the pain go – the obsession stops and you have just got to heal (evolve) and old inner program that was leading you into abuse, pain and relationships with False Selves…

    This is WHY we need to go within and do the inner work – then before you know it – if you make this your life practice (addressing inner beliefs) you will sooner than you think have no obsession, no attraction, no hooks and won’t care less what he is or isn’t doing – and you will be breaking more and more free into being the energetic match for the life and love you do wish to live…

    We only matched up with narcs and their darkness because we had the matching levels of darkness (fear, pain, defunct inner beliefs) within ourself.

    When we change that everything changes. NARP is not a tool to run through once, it is life changing, life saving habit to deeply inwardly transform yourself IF you want a great life.

    Because we have to become the change (inside) that we want to live!

    Mel xo

  • Deborah
    March 14, 2013

    Hi GP,
    I found your post really interesting to read. it could have been me writing the same post. I found it interesting that Bi-Polars do have a conscience. That was something I had thought about for a while so it is good to be able to make the comparison of traits and be able to distinguish.

    From reading your posts it is unbelievable just like mine how quickly they can move on. While we feel traumatized they have already moved on. I doubt wether it will last though for he has not done any work on himself to heal. They never do! They can’t confront their shortcomings. If it does last this poor women will probably endure just as much pain and heartache.

    I finally made the decision of no contact. I thought if he comes back to me, then he has to be the male and do all the work in courting me in a mature manner. I thought if he can act ‘normal’ and respectfully at a pace that is sensible and work at rebuilding then maybe I would give it a go. But no of course that won’t happen. He wasn’t getting his Narcissistic supply so he wasn’t interested in me. All he wants is Drama, Drama, Drama. Like a drug fix. There is never any security in the relationship because you can’t relax and so they never really allow you to be yourself. It is still a shock to realise his ego was bigger than his love for me after all his promises. Broken promises. It is true though. He will never change and he said “I don’t wan’t to change” so this time I am listening to him and believing him.
    Also the projections are unbelievable. After learning this I realise I am not mad and crazy likes he makes me out to be.
    I am done with my pleading, my begging, trying to be the peace-maker and trying to make it work. If he can’t act ‘normal’ and stop causing me trauma and pain then I don’t want or need it. Mel has a great previous post on the chemical addictions and why we keep going back.
    Sorry for my rant. I am feeling just a little better today after yesterday. Another day of No Contact Yeah!
    Good Luck GP xxxx

    • GP
      March 20, 2013

      Melanie and Deborah,

      Thank you for your replies! Yes Melanie, I have a lot of personal work still to do. The questions you gave me for personal reflection are spot-on. This experience has laid bare so many of my personal insecurities and needs that I kept sweeping into the corner and ignoring either because I was enjoying the good times with the narcissist or because I was trying to “fix” him or others in my life. Just about everyone I am close to comes to ME for advice for all of their issues, whether relationship or job-related … and paradoxically, personality tests always put me in a “counselor” personality type … and yet, here I am, unable to fix my own issues to date. I always found it easier to focus on fixing others’ problems than face mine.

      And yes Deborah, it is amazing how similar they all are. I shake my head when I read others’ posts and realize they are describing so many of the behaviors my narcissist displayed. I see the posters repeat this observation over and over, and it is so true — narcissists love to think they are so unique and special, and yet, they are so similar and predictable. Perhaps, they are even more predictable than the rest of the “ordinary” folks … I feel like there is a lot more variety in the ranks of those who aren’t narcissists.

      I still struggle daily with the hurt over how he so quickly gave all the credit in the world to a woman he just met and couldn’t possibly know on any but the most superficial of levels. Within a month, he was announcing they would get married. He immediately decided in his mind that she was the one he would be with forever, yet she hasn’t proven how she will handle his moods, his criticisms, his lies, and his affairs. All she has proven is that she is a great companion when everyone is on their best behavior. He only ever hinted/teased about us getting married, and suffice it to say that I more than proved my ability to handle all of his challenges over the course of 5 years.

      But, again, as Melanie always counsels, this is about me — about why I would even be able and willing to accept that type of unsustainable relationship. And it also brings up one of several of my Achilles’ heels — my competitiveness and drive to succeed … it’s almost as though he found the perfect way to try to destroy me by so quickly giving the future with him that I worked so hard for (actually, I thought we both appreciated what we had and were willing to work for it … wrong!) to someone who just waltzed on the scene and barely lifted a finger to claim the “prize.”

      I’ll be looking into NARP … it appears I am not capable of fixing myself on my own! Thanks again Melanie for all of the work you do!

  • Deborah
    March 14, 2013

    Thank you Mel xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2013

      Deborah,

      you are so welcome sweetie…

      Truly hun do the inner work, and your ‘water level’ of ‘love equals accepting abuse’ will wash away. You will raise vibration and the thought of him (or anything like him) will be ‘what on earth was I thinking’…

      Now that you are in No Contact make it firmly about that work…and you will be posting here in a completely different vein within weeks or a few short months…TRULY!!

      This is all about (and was always all about) you healing and committing to you – it’s actually not even about ‘him’…he was only just a deliver of the ‘message’.

      Mel xo

  • Deborah
    March 14, 2013

    Hi GP again,
    The link is above on ‘Milly,s” entry on this page. The link is “Trauma-bonding is it love or something else”. Good read! xx

  • Dawn chandler
    March 16, 2013

    Melanie, you rock! Your articles have saved me! They are saving thousands of beautiful people. The wisdom behind them is astounding and spellbinding. I pour over them daily. Finally, I can breathe again! God bless you!!!! Xo Dawn,

    Michigan USA

  • Lucy M
    March 17, 2013

    These blogs are wonderful. My encounter with the narcissist was 20 years ago, so I had to nut out, painfully, much of your wisdom for myself. Isn’t the internet a blessing. It’s been so affirming to read your posts (I hadn’t previously put the name, narcissism, to his condition) and you’re absolutely right – the answers aren’t ‘out there’. All the answers are inside. Just ask your self, have patience, be sincere, and the answer will come.
    In hindsight, I wouldn’t say it was an entirely negative experience. I learned to set better boundaries, be more gently assertive and place a little more trust in life and faith in my self. It actually forced my to clarify my whole view of life and how I wished to live it.
    I do have a question, however. I still live in the same district as my ex. On the couple of occasions our paths have crossed, it’s been he who turned and fled from contact (which I interpret as a positive). But, he’s still trying to BE me. I have a public role and he is still (in a smaller, amateur way) trying to emulate what I do. Recently, he had to write a short profile of himself for a local newsletter, and I recognised ‘his’ aims as being word-for-word what I’d said to him about my aims 20 years ago. Is that normal?
    I daresay he has absorbed a variety of traits from a variety of sources over the years. But, still, it’s very off-putting. You’d think he would have found someone/thing else to obsess about by now!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 18, 2013

      Hi Lucy,

      It is so true the answers and healing lies within us…that is the true evolution and solution to this – the focus and working on ourself.

      Certainly no experience in our life is negative – it is always an opportunity to discover and claim things about ourself, and to heal and grow.

      What is important in your circumstance is not what he is doing (which you have absolutely no control over) but to focus on why this is triggering you, and how to heal and release that. There is another growth opportunity there waiting for you by doing so.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Lucy M
        March 18, 2013

        Wise reply! Thank you.
        I found my dreams immensely helpful during that period. I was dreaming prolifically and vividly. They helped me to identify his behaviours (and separate the behaviours from him), and identify what qualities I needed to strengthen in response (mainly Self Control!).
        I had another vivid dream about all this the other night, after writing the post above. So, yes – something is brewing. At least, with the benefit of age, I tend to welcome these new insights now, not fear them.

        Thanks again. You’re lovely.

  • Mark
    March 18, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    Once again you have totally floored me with this latest article. OMG how could I have been so so stupid is what I kept asking myself as all the red flags and warning signs were there. I can only guess having been separated with nobody in my life for 3 years left me wide open & vunerable.
    You know it does astound me that these people can do this or is it that they don’t actually know they are and just split through bordem ????
    My 1st and last experience I pray was a text in the wee hours that went like this …. Hi Mark it is ….. here. You dont know what is up with me but could you be my friend !!!!
    Unfortunately I had a mate do a similiar thing once: I said go to bed Max & I will come over in the morning. Well the morning never came & sadly Max took his own life. So Melanie you can see how this text bought back memories. Anyway I answered with sure … are you okay? – the reply No can you be my friend.
    Anyway long story short … I agreed to meet her and hear her story & the Love Bombing happened almost immediately.( I knew of this person through a work environment 3 years prior)A relationship went from 0 to a 100 in 2 weeks Whirlwind it was ! We lasted 13 months which was absolutely fantastic thou I did see cracks of instability coming forth plus an abundance of late night texts which were always the kids or Mum until one day I intercepted one which turned out to be another fellow that was apparently wooing her(hmmm) anyway I confronted her regarding this which was recieved with silence! The next day 29th August 2013 I was discarded & replaced like I never existed !!! 10 days later she had this fellow moving in with her & 2 her children . In December 2013 they purchased a 900k house and she rented her house out and happy families exist? I have recieved many text’s too which I do not reply too.I blocked my mobile but persist she does. The day they were moving into this new property when she should have be helping guess who appeared at my door. It went like this – Hi Mark, I justed wanted you to know that I really enjoyed our 13months together (tears) and also want you to know that I did really love you !!! – to this I said I think it best you leave… she went on to say would it be okay if Zoe ( her 11 year old daughter) and myself came down one day too see my dog ! phew ! I stated that it was not appropiate to do such things when you are now in a loving relationship with a new blended family etc. She left with a scowl all over her face and subsequently I now get the finger when & if I see her drive by in the car!
    So Melanie there you go – struggle at times I do but your blogs have helped me immensely. In fact like lots of others here I really enjoy and get excited when another comes through. Thank you so much for the amazing work that you do and you can be rest assured I have past your info on to many.

    Kind Regards

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 18, 2013

      Hi Mark,

      we were all ‘stupid’ in the love-bombing phase – so please don’t be hard on yourself.

      And the reasons were because we were very susceptible to wanting love and approval outside of ourself – rather then being that FIRMLY to ourself – which would have meant we would have been listening to our gut – trusting that it felt ‘off’ rather than making excuses for and ignoring these inner cues.

      Yes, her behaviour is consistent with narcs who (it’s all about them) wish to keep exes hooked, in pain, and indicating their loss, regret etc that you don’t have him / her in your life now. Consistent with narcissism there is no empathy for an ex other then to maintain them for supply.

      It is great you are cutting all contact, do not allow her to mine you for that supply and feed her ego – as if it doesn’t work out with him or there were issues in the future (and there will be) you would be targeted again (if you left yourself open to be).

      So now you are left with healing what you need to sort out within you…

      Mark, other than just reading articles you could commit to the inner work to really leave the possibility of this being your future again – way behind.

      Not only would that clean up your internal ‘stories’ which have co-attracted created this dynamic, it also means the pain will go, because you are healing from the inside out.

      Then you will deeply know she was just a catalyst so you could heal your inner parts. As such please read up on NARP – that is your direct path to get this sorted.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

  • Brandi
    March 20, 2013

    Everything I’ve read on this website and all the emails I’ve received are a spitting image of my life over the last 3 years and even more so similar now that I’m going through a divorce with my husband of 2 years. I’m thoroughly convinced my (ex) husband is a narcissist. The adorring, absolute abhorring, devaluing, discrediting our marriage, attacking every good part of me, cheating, emabarrassing me in front of others by dating a new woman and working out with her at the gym I teach aerobics classes…I could go on…

    The only thing that throws me off is that he doesn’t bother me about coming back. There’s no going back and forth. No phone calls, no texts, no showing up. Does that mean he’s not really a narcissist? He disrespects and disregards me like I’ve never seen a human do to another but there is this one missing component.

    We’ve been separated for 3 months and he filed for divorce about 2 months ago. I’m working to move on, heal and create healthy boundaries. I guess I’m just scared about when and if he comes back around – will I be strong enough to resist the emotional pull? I still love him and really never wanted my marriage to end but now I’m slowly accting that maybe it’s best this way. Still scared I won’t be able to resist the emotional pull. Should I plan on him coming back and be prepared? He hasn’t done it but should I prepare?

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 20, 2013

    Hi Brandi,

    The consistent criteria for a narcissist is the narc behaviour – it is not determined by total discard, or continuing to hoover or not.

    If he discarded you then he may have other sources of supply, or he may be punishing you with total abandonment.

    In the cases of partners ending the relationship exposing narcs and stating ‘no more’ unless they directly address their unhealed wounds and stop projecting them – then a narc can disappear forever 1) Because he can’t continue to hide who he is, and 2) Because he has no ability to own and heal his wounds and let go of the False Self.

    The only way you can ever ‘prepare’ is to focus on and heal your unhealed wounds – then you will not wish to have a narcissist in your life in any shape or form and all attraction and vulnerability to him will cease to exist.

    As will the illusion that this is ‘love’ – because it certainly isn’t. This is the wake up call of a lifetime to authentically learn how to heal and love yourself.

    Whether or not he tries to come back your narc abuse experience created this necessary opportunity.

    I hope this helps.

    Mel xo

  • Amelia
    March 25, 2013

    I recently got out of my relationship with a man who is a narc. WE spent 4 yrs off/on in a relationship. Each time we would break up he would be the one who would break up with me. And each time it would be me who was to blame. Just like the article and others stating in their comments. he was charming and drew me in. He was very attentive to my feelings and to wanting to know all about me. He would call/text several times a day; we were long distance at first. Once I moved in with him things did change. If I said something with what he felt was attitude he would get mad. He would knit pick at things and how I did them. It simply just became i was the one who had issues and needed help. He always blamed me for taking my past out on him. Eventually I started to react with his same anger. I lost who I was. I even started to come across things he held onto from his past relationships. He has blamed all of them as well for why it didnt work; however the info I came across said differently. I dont know why I would continue to get back with him after we would break up knowing he still always felt it was me who caused our break ups. I know it was because i felt I loved him and that he had manipulated me to think it was me. Just like others I wonder how and why? It was than his narc ways but it was always worse when he drank. and any time an argument started during drinking he would just start drinking more and heavier.
    Now I have to learn to heal and be well in life. What hurts me the most is his family opened up to me they know he has a problem but wont do anything. they watch him go thru relationship after relationship. 3 marriages and 2 serious relationships all ending with him blaming the female. he has two grown daughters now and it hurts them to watch him do this. i think that is the hardest part of it all..to have grown close to his family that I wanted to try to be stronger to love the man because they are a wonderful group of people. He has them all almost fooled in a way. as he can be a giving man, very charming in public, and very welcoming to others. But that is how they are able to live the way they do and fool others; to include the ones who fall in love with him.
    I just pray for peace and to find happiness again in life.

  • Young&NowFree
    March 26, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I have just come out of a almost 2 year relationship with someone who I believe, but am struggling so much to accept is a N. I just find it so hard to believe he didn’t actually ever love me.

    If it wasnt for your website I could have never known what I was going through was so wrong. Everything you have written on this blog and others is what I have gone through.

    I took him back after so many unfaithful actions on his part and a month after taking him back into the relationship he then proceeded to tell me everything was my fault and we were arguing because I couldn’t be happy, I was too paranoid, that I needed to accept that I didnt deserve to be told I was loved, or shown any emotion, he said I was not normal etc. I left pretending to accept a break to “stop arguing” aka him punishing me for speaking up and allowing me back once I conformed (so he wanted to keep me around but have it on his terms) but I broke up with him, finally believing that I deserved better. He then proceeded to harass me in order to get me back, and I ignored him and any advances, the 20 texts and calls and said simply that it was over and he will never change. He has since sent a couple of messages and tried to call once but has stopped contacting me.

    I understand that I cut him off so obviously thats it but I find it extremely hard to deal with accepting that he never loved me. I have blocked him on all sites – FB, etc after seeing him trying to woo girls 2 days after we ended, posting pictures of his body etc. In the house we lived in he had 2 friends living there too that idolized him so they just increased the amount of humiliation he put me through. It is just really hard because I know this is for the best, but if he changes some other girl will now get him.

    Any advice?

    xxx

  • Gina Marie
    April 2, 2013

    I just ended a 4yr relationship with what I believe was a N. The first 2 years were the adulation phase, until I found out he felt he “was not worthy of me” and sought other relationships. I found out thru a friend and when I confronted him he blamed his “ADHD and it was me but really not me”. The past 6 months is when I saw the real him emerge. Intense rage and foul language out of nowhere based on what he claimed to be “my trying to correct him constantly”. These accusations were unfounded because I always ignored the childish, often immoral behavior to “keep the peace” and was always walking on eggshells. He has admitted that he HAS BEEN verbally abusive in past relationships but he is much better now…not throwing things or breaking things. After his verbal abuse rages, he feels he has done nothing wrong. We part for several weeks, and I always extend the olive branch to break the ice. I finally ended the relationship 2 months ago. I emailed to ask if we could chat to part as friends because ending this relationship IS the healthy option. He always responds with “move on with your life, you deserve better than this” and “follow the direction that your family gives you”. So, I guess this is his version of an apology? After 2 months of healing, I am surprised that I don’t miss him, and feel a tremendous heaviness is lifted. I feel safe and much happier. What I’m left with now is twofold: Why hasn’t he called and apologized for all he’s done to me, and also I believe he had a responsibility to tell me just who he really was! Thank you Mel for all you do and all you are!

  • Gina Marie
    April 2, 2013

    Any advise? Thank you so very much Mel!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 2, 2013

      Hi Gina,

      If this man is a narcissist the only reason he would be apologising anyway is to hoover you…and truly do you want that?

      Also, and this may be hard to accept, no one has any responsibility to act toward you in any way at all…the only responsibility you ever have is your responsibility to self – and that is what self-love and self-value is all about – as well as unconditional love which has to start with yourself.

      You solidly becoming of source of self is this: You are responsible for your vibration, life and the creation of it, and you allow others to be and do whatever they choose to be and do.And if it is not a match for you – leave them to it.

      Then you have the freedom to be the master and creator of your life and no longer stay attached with your focus on ‘what you don’t want’…and become a match for creating ‘what you do want’.

      That is your entire life purpose…What he represented in not real love – and wanting it in your vibration and life means not loving yourself.

      Let it go, do the work on yourself and get focused on becoming and creating real love.

      Mel xo

      • Gina Marie
        April 9, 2013

        Thank you Mel. I guess I was looking for an apology, but that would mean accountability, and I know I will never get that. I have found out that his colleagues at work reported his abusive behavior towards them. He actually told me about it and said “to get the job done I need to be aggressive..it’s for my boss that I’m doing this”! How outrageous of a comment!! He will NEVER get it that it’s him that’s at fault. Thank you again, Mel!

  • Tracy
    April 6, 2013

    Wow after finally surviving a long term N relationship and recovering from breast cancer along comes the sweetest guy who love bombed me. I was on the look out for someone without empathy and compassion. First thought was this guy was as far from a Narcissist as you can get. This was before I learned about love bombing from an altruistic narcissist who idealized our relationship and without really any discussions I found myself in a committed relationship introduced to his community and extended family. While staying with him I disagreed about a few minor issues and within weeks He started character assassinating to the point of trying to make out I had serious flaws in my personality but failed to be specific. He then just talked about the relationship needing lots of work, slowing down, stepping back it moved too quick and then he was gone and said he wasn’t coming back. This time I am doing the full NARP programme.

  • Margo
    April 7, 2013

    Melanie – I have suffered at the hands of some raging narcissists (both parents, older brother, boyfriends) and have worked really hard to extract myself from all the nonsense and address my own issues. I’ve started dating again after six years of recovering and am so grateful for your insights. They have helped me stay strong. I’ve recently started dating a man from Switzerland (the French speaking part) so I’m struggling with trying to tease out whether his style of courtship is being foreign (I’m American) or a form of love bombing. He seems genuine and I am taking it slow but some of the things he says seem over the top but i don’t know if i’m so jaded after my bad experience or being smart… regardless, i am taking it very slow and time will tell. your terrific article i will keep in my thoughts so i can see whether he is capable of honoring my desire to slow things down or if i am just supply. Love, admire and so appreciate all the work you do here for all of us. XOXO M

  • Katherine
    April 8, 2013

    Thanks Melanie – this really hit home for me and I would like to share my story. I had a crush on this guy I met through work and after I moved to another city we kept in touch. He would come to my city every few weeks and we would meet up and go out. I really looked forward to this as I was quite lonely in my life and I felt special when I was with him. Eventually I made a move and he held back saying he did not want a relationship and that women ended up leaving him – major red flags. I started saying ok, well if that is what you want..and all of a sudden he started kissing me and wanting to have sex with me then and there. I really had to be firm and tell him no as it was in my lunch hour. He was carrying on and saying his wife slept with him on the first date etc. Well I held off for 48 hours and we went from there – I was so overwhelmed with the feelings I had for him I would have done or put up with almost anything. We had a distance relationship and he used to call me every night and we saw each other every few weeks. He talked about moving where I was but I did not encourage it as I did not want him to be unhappy as he would not have found a job that satisfied him. I now realise he had no intention of ever putting himself out for me. I fell in love with this man who then started neglecting me and putting me well down the priority chain – he has family issues and he has needed to spend a lot of time with his ex wife and sick adult child. I was very understanding of this and encouraged him to spend more time with them – this could be for weeks at a time – in the first 6 months, 3 months were spent apart. Eventually I felt like I did not exist – whenever we met up we spent most of the time in bed but everything was about him. If I had needs or showed displeasure about something I was punished, blamed or made to feel insecure. He also talked about other women until I asked him to stop it. He blew hot and cold all the time and it was debilitating – I was made to feel self conscious about my weight, my fitness etc and joined a gym to look better for him and to feel better for myself. It was always “I am not the right person for you etc” and that “I did something” that changed things and we were not emotionally in sync as he used to put it. He never gave me a chance and never intended to. Last year I had to spend a lot of time at home due to family illness – when I went back to see him I moved my stuff to his place and after 2 weeks he said he felt smothered and that I hovered – this left me confused and sad – surely if someone loves you they want o be with you? Well he did not love me and he never did or never will. I always said I loved him and all he could say was that he felt honoured to be loved. Another time he took me to visit his family in his country of birth. I really wondered why he wanted me to go as he did not treat me with respect or love–during the first week I had food poisoning and said that I would not go with him to his relatives house as he would have a better time – he then turned on me and told me not to be a martyr which was very upsetting – he then left me in the house on my own with vomiting and diarrhoea, did not call and did not return until 8pm that night. He was doing some work at this time and in the evening shunned me and blamed me for him not being organised. He then caught a cold and basically ignored me while I ran around trying to buy things to help him. If it had not been for another person who was staying in the house I would have been a very lonely person. I even went out looking at guesthouses so I had somewhere to go –I was that upset. He also promised that we would go away for a week – well that never happened as it was all about what he wanted. He always faked a future and his actions never followed his words. He never seemed proud to be with me and never introduced me as his partner to his old friends – I felt humiliated and sad. When we returned to the country we were living in I really felt fed up and tried to end it – he was shocked and did not want this. The next morning he was cold towards me and left to return where he was living. I needed to go up an retrieve my belongings before I returned home and he was blowing very cold..when I went up he did not sleep with me for 2 days as he was “busy”. I stayed longer and we seemed to get on ok and I returned to where I lived before as I had decided to do some short term work – I really did not want to live where he was and he knew this. All the plans and ideas that he put forward in the past never happened and he had decided to stay where he was. He forgot my birthday and said he would take me out when I visited him – during this time he told me that his mind was not in the relationship anymore and that he was not right for me. Again I left and again he blew cold on me so I said I had had enough –his only response was to write saying he was sorry that I had decided to end the “friendship” and on another matter he had transferred some money that he owed me. I was so upset and hurt and only lasted a few days before I called him – he really did not want to talk but I kept calling him. I then saw him before I left to go back home and we got on ok probably because there was lots of sex. We then kept in touch but I was already looking for a job elsewhere – I thought that this might wake him up but I was really deluding myself by this stage. He then started contacting me more and offered to come and visit me – it was not a good time as I was caring for my family member who was very ill. We just kept in touch – some times it was ok, other times he blew cold and made me feel awful. He would come online and want to have cybersex and see me online (which I would never do). He would say that he missed me and why wasn’t I coming back to him – I had physically extricated myself but I still had feelings. I also told him that I could not sleep with him anymore which he was not happy about but the truth was that I still wanted him. Unbeknown to me he was lining up his next supply source who was in a better position to help him with his needs professionally and personally. I forgot to mention that one of my major roles was helping him in daily life – booking tickets, meeting him at the airport etc – needless to say I never asked him to help me because I am reasonably capable in this area. Anyway I was booking tickets to go to my new job and see him when I got the “I can’t do the distance thing and I need to move on” = that he was “sort of” seeing someone else. I should have been relieved but actually I was devastated and completely went to pieces. Of course he still wanted to be my friend because I know so much about him! I told him that it was not possible as friends do not treat each other the way he treated me. I called him a few times but once he realised I was angry and wanted answers he cut me off completely. As for me, I told as many people as possible that knew him, what he did and I am now also in therapy to understand why I let someone like this into my life and why I put up with the cruelty, neglect and being fed crumbs. I think the shock of finally seeing the person he really is was overwhelming. Three months on and it is still a day at a time and the pain and anger can take over.

  • jmr63
    April 12, 2013

    Since you mentioned that it is a learning experience about relationships (which is very true) what does the Narcissist learn from the relationship? Anything, because they never think they are wrong so I guess they don’t think there is anything to learn? I realized that my daughter dated a narcissist. He was a true prince charming in the beginning (idealisation phase). Then out of nowhere he started becoming angry, rude, always a drama king (guess this was getting to the discarding phase?) He had to call all the shots, do everything with HIS family, HIS friends, etc. not hers. I think when she finally questioned him on this is when he changed. Then a week later or more, he broke up with her on his birthday (after she gave him his gifts and took him out to celebrate) because she got a new job which would take time away from her being able to travel to see him, since it was always about him. She felt duped, I never knew anyone could actually be so cruel. She said the nice guy she thought she had was just MEAN.

    • Katherine
      April 15, 2013

      I don’t think they learn anything because it is all about them. They just move on to a new victim for their source of NS. In his case the new source could see what he was like and told him to leave her alone – he continues to persist though. With me who always was there to help and support him it was different. He always focussed everything on himself and there was always drama with his ex wife, family, work etc. He was also mean to me re comments on my fitness, weight, childlessness, snoring etc. This was really messing with my mind. In the end I was so despondent and confused that I took a job that would take me away so after he worked it out that I was not going to put up with his ways he went and found someone else. It still hurts and opened a pandoras box of issues which I am still trying to work through months down the track.

  • Catherine
    April 17, 2013

    My relationship with a Narcissist started 8 years ago. Everything seemed perfect at the beginning. Little did I realise how this person had the potential to destroy my life. I saw the signs early and knew something was not quite right and should have heeded my instincts.
    Over the years I have been subjected to the cruelty which only a Narcissist can unleash. During a period of NC, I started the research at first into “personality disorders’ which eventually led me to Melanie’s website. Everything started to fall into place, I felt vindicated, I wasn’t going crazy! I read everything I could on the subject. I felt I knew what I was dealing with.
    Following a period of NC for almost 2 years he called me and sounded so repentant. He cried on the phone, said how guilty he felt after he had cheated on me, and would make it up to me – I was the only woman he ever loved .. etc.. I should have known, but I again fell for his lies.
    It was not long before I could see the real him return and again we broke up; that was early last year. A few months later (June 2012) my mother died and I went overseas to attend her funeral. It was a difficult time. He contacted me the following month and was upset as he thought he had cancer. Begged me to take him back, cried on the phone and sounded so remorseful. This time I thought he had really changed, he sounded at rock bottom. He moved in with me shortly afterwards. We had great plans for the future. We would retire and move up north and stay at one of his many properties. He bought me a beautiful ring as a token of his ‘commitment’ to me and the relationship. He was on his best behaviour in those early months.
    I resigned my job of 11 years just after Christmas. We had planned to move in mid April. Everyone at work was envious and saying I was so lucky. I felt happy, he was finally going to do the right thing. All my family knew our plans and were happy for us. I thought – despite all the evidence to the contrary, Narcissists can change, this was the proof – my success story! Love conquers all, we were going to have a happy ending!
    How wrong can you be! My Narc was about to reveal his true colours once again.
    A week before I left my job (and my career) he produced a Financial Agreement (pre-nup) which was about 30 pages long. I read it and was horrified that quite a lot of the information was inaccurate. I challenged him and his response to me was “If you don’t sign it I won’t live with you, so I might as well move out”. I actually had been prepared to sign it but in the end I could see that he was prepared to sacrifice our relationship over this document. It was a big wake up call for me. I knew how important money was to him but didn’t realise he was prepared to sacrifice our relationship over a financial document. He casually moved out a few days later. There was no discussion, no compromise, no explanation, nothing.
    I now find I have no job or means of supporting myself. I am 61 years old and have always felt confident in my ability to look after myself. However, after this latest discard I feel so betrayed and hurt, it has also shattered my confidence.
    I have sourced all the material regarding Narcissism including the NARP which I realise is the way forward for me. However, at this stage I feel so broken I am not sure if I will ever recover from what this individual has done to me. Short of taking a person’s life, I feel this is the ultimate beyrayal.
    All the plans and dreams I had for the future were with him but little did I realise that he was just waiting until I was well and truly hooked and vulnerable (i.e. no job and totally dependent on him) so he could unleash all his Narcissistic wrath on me which he surely did as he final curtain call. I was so blind-sided, I am totally shattered and can barely function every day.
    I pray, meditate and read all the information from Melanie’s website which is so helpful. Thank you Melanie for all the wonderful material you have available on your website. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and that I will eventually recover.
    It is a sobering realisation that my main priority was to genuinely care for him and his only agenda was to punish me in return.

  • DeDe
    April 18, 2013

    When I met my ex I was pulling my life back together, finally feeling good and thought that I had karmically brought a “good” man into my life because the hell I’d just gone though (with a diagnosed Narcissist). When I met this man online, everything he told me about himself was a lie, but his description fit what I liked, wanted and was looking for. We talked for hours on the phone. Then when we met, I slept with him almost immediately. He came into my house like a whirlwind and I didn’t even realize what was happening. Our second date, he told me he loved me. That I was his “dream come true.” I was shocked but liked hearing it. Then came his professions that we were “soul mates” and then “we’re even more than soul mates we’re kindred spirits.” He told me he loved me several times when we were together and would ask if I love him. When I would tell my friends I remember them responding, “You don’t believe him do you?” I wanted so badly to believe his words…I guess I did. Even though I would be stumped when he said them to me. Everything was like it was in a haze. I feel foolish now for believing it. But I guess we hear/see what we want to hear/see. I’ve learned so much and yet still cannot comprehend the narcissist’s behaviors.

  • Ella
    April 19, 2013

    Very interesting article. I was recently seeing a guy after about a month of compliments, gifts and favours made a comment to me along the lines of that people probably assume i am damaged because i am still single at my age (34!)…. this hurt my feelings a lot and turned me off…. is this narcissistic abuse?? it felt all wrong and was a downward spiral from there… so this person is now out of my life, i think for the best

  • Alice Anderson
    April 29, 2013

    Hi Melonie i too fell for a narc 4 yrs ago thought i was going crazy so took myself for counciling until my counciller told me hey this is not you this partner of yours sounds narsissistmic go home google and answer the questions well that was about a year ago and im still stuck as we bought a bussiness together he drains me daily starts arguements any way he can has an ex partner he uses against me to make me jealous these articles have helped me keep my sanity as he is gettig worse and i think he enjoyes seeing me lose the plot from the blame projection he puts on me we also work in a duo together today he told me how much better he is to me and i would be nothing without his amzing guitar playing he s hardly stays at work tell everyone he runs the place even though he has made me responible for all the paperwork staff and orderingconned me into sighning up for a mercedes as it would be our family car yet in 4 yrs iv driven it 5 times .my only blessing we live in separate homes were trying to sell the bussiness so the no contact is almost impossible at the moment this guy has no feelings and attacks verbally with vengence .but im reading lots and trying to ignore him then i get annoyed with myself for breaking down reading ur articles has been comforting to know im not crazy just confused to think there are people like this so thanku

  • Louky
    May 5, 2013

    As I read all of the comments form others I realize that I am in a HORRIBLE relationship. I have been in the relationship for 3+ years and waws made to believe everything was my fault. I dont understand why he can go from the BEST person I have ever met to a horrible abusive man. Just last night a frind came up to me gave me a hug and he flipped out. He cussed me in public for 30 mintues until I could get to the car. Police even came over and told him to shut up they were sick of hearing him. BTW this morning he is accusing me of trying to get him arrested. When he flips he dont stop. The texts just pour in over and over and over hateful mean. HE takes things he knows about my past and vomits all of it on me. I dont understand how i ended up here with him, why do I stay and go back? I am a very intelligent woman. I ran a company, have 3 kids why will I not let it go? He has pushed my family away, I have lost my job bc of trying to make things work, calming him down, apologizing for things I never did. I always feel like I am walking on egg shells, when will the next explosion happen and so how some way it;s my fault. I can go on and on I just want to go back to life without him. I have never in my life felt so powerless as I do now. He is slowly sucking the life out of me. I know what I need to do just like everyone else that posts here its just not that easy. :(

  • Kchanz
    June 13, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I just got out of my first 6 month relationship ( I am about 6 months out actually)

    I am not sure if I am the narcisst or if my ex gf was BPD/NPD. (I am in therapy, and my friends/ therapist dont think I have NPD, but a lot of the DSM criteria fits..I think)

    Several red flags: I met her through my roommate at the time, who she had cheated on her ex bf with. She hooked up with him that night, despite my obvious interest in her, and then pursued me via fb message.

    When I met her I fell for her quickly, and told her I loved her right away, and she got upset and started crying. I apologized and asked for a second chance. She mad me wait a month to start dating, so we did.

    She told me she had a deep fear of abandonment, but I had no idea what that meant, and she was just coming out of a relationship with “an abusive selfish” ex boyfriend.

    We went on three or 4 dates, and spent a lot of time together, I moved her, she met my parents I met hers etc. I think i remember pushing her to be my gf cause we were already acting like it. I have facebook messages complaining to my friends that she called me a boyfriend in public and a friend in private (red flag). We were arguing all the time and it was so circular

    I remember asking her if I could see her once a week at least. When I asked her to be my girlfriend she said, “you already know this but I love you”. I lost my virginity to her.

    Then the arguing about seeing each other started, over how much time to spend. Then she wanted to take a break, but then didnt.

    The fighting continued, and then she wanted to take a break because she had “lost faith in my ability to give her space”. I was upset and wrote some angry emails demanding to know what I had done.

    Then she called me the first night we were “on a break. My friends at this point were warning me that something was up, but Ignored them, after all we were soulmates, right?.
    I remember that call, as I told her I wasn’t ready to talk and she said ” I am reaching out to you, if you shut me out it will make it harder to reach out to you in the future”
    I caved,

    We fought about everything from then on, meeting my friends (we would always fight before a party, or she would agree to something and then somehow be busy or sick or we got into a fight). We fought especially about sex as I wanted more. She wanted to “flirt and try things but not have it lead anywhere” yet claimed she was commited.

    I also made too many assumptions, and made all of her feelings about me. My recollection is that she would talk to me being very sad about how she felt towards me, and when I tried to start to fix it, I was making her feelings about me. Again, not sure? Maybe I am a narcisst and dont know it?

    and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and was unable to trust her by this point.

    Rinse and repeat, two breaks later each time with her calling crying with some excuse to see me, and me wanting to see her so bad I caved.

    She was depressed all of December, and I fought with her over a therapist/ SSRI’s and what kinda of therapy to see. She promised me she would make calls..she never did to my knowledge.

    I dont know the guy I became, I read some of our conversations online and I am like REALLY i said that? WHAT? But its there, and I typed it. This is what sent me to therapy, I knew I had old childhood trauma. (I told her all about my history of childhood emotional and physical abuse).

    She broke up with me finally (saying I was not what she wanted), and then asked me out on a valentines date the SAME NIGHT. By now, I was emotionally pretty numb, and wasnt sure IF i loved her or had any feelings for her.

    I initally said no, but then was seized by a desire to get her back.

    I tried asking her for space, but then she contacted me every night in some way, and ended up calling me leaving me a crying voicemail. I caved again and suggested dinner. We agreed,

    We fought again a few days later when I tried to be friends with her, and jokingly called her a hussy.I had heard her use that to describe other girls that hit on me, but had no idea it would hurt her so much. She then told me that when she broke up she wanted us to be together as we still had feelings for each other but without the title or the sex. Confused I asked to call her, and she started crying and said “I had to forget her” and “She had to let me go”.

    I went into a rage, how could she put this breakup on me? She broke up with me, shouldnt she be forgetting me? I loved her (or so I thought). I hopped online mad, and she started egging me on, telling me to delete her number, her fb, her gchat. I replied that I already did (i had only defriended her because I was FURIOUS). I calmed down and asked for her to no have this forever, and that I would leave my gchat open. We left on good terms. Went to be only to wake up to messages from her furious about how “i could so easily throw her out of my life”. Anxious I tried to fix her image of me, but couldnt give her space. I was obssesed with her couldnt stop thinking about her, kept trying to contact her.

    Got drunk one night and in a rage unfriended her again, and she cut me off, telling me I was too demanding and that she had always felt nothing she did was good enough.

    We both have said a LOT of the narc stuff/ I have thought the narc stuff on your site. I have an extreme sensitivty to rejection and deep feelings of shame or worthlessness when criticized, and usually react with anger (that I keep a lid on and just remove myself from the situation).

    I am pretty scarred from this relationship and to this day feel emptiness sometimes that only goes away when someone pays attention to me. I really hope that I am not a narcisst, but I think I am. I know I dont conciously try to manipualte people or take advantage of them and I thought I was empathetic but I dont know anymore.

    If I am its going to be an exhausting battle to convince everyone else around me.. including my therapist. She thinks I have BPD not NPD, but I think I am whats called a “vunerable narcisst” someone who is unconciously narcisstic.

    I just wanted to post as someone who might have the condition, and really doesnt like himself or want to cause anyone else pain.

  • laura
    November 18, 2013

    Dear Mel,

    I understand that i have been dependant and needy, and that i had gaps to fill when i met my partner, however they have definitely worsened over the time we have been together.
    He has always said that I need to do more, and he needs more space etc, how do i determine whether he is NPD (he seems to fit in so many ways) or whether it is me and my neediness that has caused our relationship to go this way;(

    x

  • Deb
    December 11, 2013

    Mel, what a fantastic article. You always hit the nail squarely on the head. I don’t know how you do it, but you consistently do.

    I don’t want to rehash my relationship here, but will briefly explain that mine was short lived. 4 months. Very intense, as often is. I had no idea what a Narc was, no idea what “love bombing” was. I was very aware that he was over the top obsessed with me, infatuated, and was even somewhat immature. I didn’t take it all very seriously, I kept my boundaries pretty strong until about the 6th week, when I succumbed and then he securely had me in his clutches. He was very skilled, and I was quite lonely having had moved to a new town, knowing few people, etc.

    Around week 9 I things got very interesting, I saw his behavior begin to change. That Covert Narcissist (as I now understand he is) became arrogant and I think he deliberately began to just slightly disrespect my boundaries and was not quite as considerate. I felt as if I were standing on shifting sand instead of terra firma.

    My intuition kicked in and I sensed disaster coming, and I backed off and asked for a break. The pity-play attention seeking texts arrived, the attempt to triangulate with a confession of a previous relation to a woman who was now dying of brain cancer, etc. I didn’t give him the response he wanted, and the attacks began via email. Thankfully, I refused phone contact at that point. I still did not know that I was dealing with a Narc, hadn’t heard of no phone contact, etc.

    How I wish I had heard of you and had known about the complete NO CONTACT rule ahead of time, because I was not spared the complete character assassination and pain, I assure you.

    I read these horrific stories of people who survived decades of marraige, abuse, etc., and my heart aches for each of you. My 4 month experience was painful enough, I cannot imagine having endured what you all have. I think each and every one of you are brave and beautiful!

    I want to say that I have been working Mel’s NARP. It requires dedication and work, but you ARE worth it. The healing may not instantaneous, many modules I’ve had to rework. It can be challenging to be honest with yourself about all of the false beliefs and the pain you have hidden deep inside of you. But I’m committed to the process as it is definitely beneficial and I have confidence I am healing.

    Some day I will be grateful for all of this. For now, I completely accept that this experience was meant to happen! This was not an accident and I am not a victim. I know for certain I will grow and thrive from this.

    Until that day arrives, Mel I want you to know how grateful I am to you for sharing all of your wisdom and experience. It has helped me maintain my sanity, gain perspective, wisdom, and has served as a compass for my healing.

    xoxo

  • tyler
    April 23, 2014

    Mealnie,

    I am a 21 year old gay male and I believe I was a victim of a narc. But I am having difficulties believing this. I was love bombed from the get go. He told me he loved me after roughly 2 weeks of knowing me, through text at that. I was idolized and stricken with gifts and
    flowershe very early on.he had just got out of a relationship with a GIRL a few months prior to which he said he loved her on Facebook. We were together for 3 years. Most of the time I was having doubts and didn’t trust him, he cheated on his ex bf.of one month with me. He claims he has been constantly fighting for me. I have been hot and cold.I recently broke up with him and we still live together. He has been talking to someone else everyday, and even while I’m in the other room. Am I making a mistake? Does this guy really love me like he says he does? I think he may be a narc, but I just can’t move on. Please help!!!!

  • Dawn
    June 6, 2014

    My partner of 30 years was targetted by a N
    via Facebook,seven weeks after her divorce.
    She fell in love with a poem he wrote and befriended him.She declared her love after seeing his photo and within a week was calling him her divine husband and referring to their ordained marriage.He told her he was in a happy long term relationship. However, she was determined to carry on pursuing him claiming God had brought them together.He became completely hooked in.I have had to ask him to leave because of all the lies about not contacting her.I have spoken to her and she showed no understanding of my suffering – strange as she is an ordained priest.He is convinced he is in love with her despite having never met her(we are in the UK she USA).
    I am grieving for the loss ofmy partner. It is so sad.A life time together and she takes it away without a moments hesitation.
    I just don’t know what to do.

  • Karla
    August 11, 2014

    Oh my goodness!! I am so happy to have found your site and help. I was a mess for the last couple of days, hurt needed closure and answers, wondering what i did after he just decided to instantly cut me off with no warning and started ignoring my calls, text. I mean days before as well as weeks were fine. I will admit in the beginning I said to myself he seemed needy. He also after our first date after leaving from the movies called me as I was about 10 mins down the road saying he missed me already. Mind you was thinking like, you don’t even know my middle name! I wasn’t at his level yet, and said I wasn’t. I also noticed other signs that made me wonder a lot. Every weekend something happened and my calls and text were even ignored a lot. The weekend stories all sounded the same, and he always seemed over dramatic in telling them. Well you know the story lol, you basically said everything i went through in your articles. I had been trying to get him to contact me for days, he even ignored me when i went to his place and he was home! I heard him on the phone and when i knocked he got quiet and never came to the door. By the time my feelings had caught up is when i felt he wasn’t acting as he was in the beginning. I was trying to blame it on his other stress. Anything that a normal person would go through seemed as if it was like 10 times more stressing for him, while I am looking like it’ not that serious these are the facts of life. I guess this is where he was trying to drain me of support and telling him its gonna be ok etc. I showed I cared for him in many ways, and I fell victim to him even getting me to have sex with him smh.Now I am just picking up the pieces. It was a week this past Friday that he cut me off. As I said your articles were basically what I went through as well. I thank you so much for them. You are a true blessing!!

  • Peter
    August 24, 2014

    I believe i was in a narcissistic relationship.
    to start, we met dated, felt great. after a few months i asked her to move in with her 8 year old girl. she was atentive loveing ,, jelouse . I recall one eve coming home from work she claimed she had detective follow me and found me with another woman. after i told her i wanted to see the evidence, she claimed there were photos of me, she pretended to call the detectives office and she told me they had the wrong file. the next day she apologized and we made up. every day seemed like i was defending myself, she claimed to love me, the best man she ever knew. she had also asked me to marry her after knowing each other for only a few months , i told her you barely know me after she knew me better we would see. what i was really thinking , was i dont know you that well.
    well long story short , we lasted 11 years, each day was a test. i believed this woman was hurt some where and all i needed to do was make her feel secure. Nothing would satisfy her . she went from me being her world to looking outside our relationship for affirmation to talking to an ex lover to emailing a male coworker. we had bought a home together . she finnaly wanted to leave moved out, then i pursude her and she came back, then a year later left again. the agrangments for the sale of the home didnt go her way and she reported me to the irs. much money later , that cleared up. now she is a relationship with a man in rehab for herion addiction and alchol abuse. she told me he is amazing. the man has no job, on food stamps. lives with his uncle , the man is 58 years old. also she said , after knowing him 3 months ,,, he is her sole mate.
    Now for the really sick part,,,i still miss her, the love seemed so real. i still wake up thinking of her, i am now talking to a therapist and on zoloff. i would like comments back its crazy but i am still in a tailspin. i still wonder was she really a narcissist or was it me.

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