[breadcrumb]

Hi everyone!

Christmas and the festive season is nearly here…

For the Thrivers who are out the other side of narcissistic abuse, it is such a glorious relief to be free of the hooks and the pain, in order to enjoy the sanity and love of a healthy Christmas and holiday season with family, loved ones and friends.

I am also very aware that many of you may not be at this place yet – which means traditionally this can be a very painful and challenging time of year.

Narcissists are notorious for trying to rehook old supply when you are at your most vulnerable. Christmas time is certainly one of those times!

This week I’ve decided to create a video to give you some tips for getting through the holiday period, so that you can overcome any hoovering attempts, detach from a narcissist’s nasty and ridiculous antics, and don’t allow them to sabotage your happiness at Christmas time.

 

 

My Xmas Special

For those of you who want to use this holiday period to work on yourself I’d like to offer you a 20% off Xmas special.

(Xmas special has ended).

 

Wishing You A Safe And Wonderful Christmas and New Year

I am so thrilled to be a part of this community together, creating the best selves and lives that we can possibly be, and sharing the gifts of our own liberation, freedom and forward progress.

I want to thank you all so much for sharing this amazing journey with me over this last year…

Please note there will be no further articles or radio shows until the 24th January, as I am taking some much needed battery re-charge time.

I wish you all the safest, most loving, healthiest and most incredible time possible for Christmas, New Year and the holiday period.

Lots and lots of love and hugs xoxox

 

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Commments (74) + Leave a comments

74 thoughts on “Merry Xmas And Some Tips For Staying Narc Free This Xmas

    1. Hi Melanie,

      I just wanted to let you know that I had the most peaceful Christmas I have had in over 20 years. No sadness, no loneliness, and I was by myself. The peace and hope your site has given me is amazing. Truly. I feel transformed.
      My mom died 6 months ago and I wasn’t near her when she died because of the abusive behavior of my brothers and sisters. My narcissistic abuse has gone on my entire life: from my family, to friendships, to co-workers, to boyfriends. I had so much pain, rage and anger inside of me I’m amazed I didn’t explode into a million pieces!
      Now, I just want to move forward and live. I can’t believe that I am saying this! I’ve never been married and have no children, and no relationship with my brothers and sisters. But, I no longer feel alone. Ever. I understand that the universe is with me, always.
      I don’t have a job and my money has run out and I can’t pay my rent on the 1st, but I feel that the universe is taking me where I need to be. I understand that I have all the love and respect I need inside of me and I will no longer accept anything less from the outside world. I can’t. I have no more time to waste. My life has been waiting for me for too long.

      You are an angel Melanie.

    2. Examples of emails from a narc:
      Here are a couple of emails that are from a narc to his target; a woman who quit having anything to do with him. He turned into a stalker, but she has successfully kept No Contact.
      Kathy,
      You continue to ignore my attempts to contact you over Facebook, and I am left with no other choice but to contact you at your office. While living in Kansas City, I would often wait outside Blue Star (the company where she worked) in my car, undecided on whether to enter the building or not to contact you. I would like to speak to you face to face, and, as I do not want to come back to Kansas City – I moved to L.A. in mid-April – I suggest you come out here, where we can talk and I can ask you the many questions I have over our lives and their connection. I feel better facing you alone in an environment with which you are unfamiliar and away from my parents and brother, though truthfully, I am not much more familiar than you with L.A. My cell phone number is 562-631-6651, so please call me when you receive this if you like phone conversations better or e-mail me. Do not delay contacting me or play obtuse and ignore my entreaties, for I consider that I am doing you a favor by contacting you at this point and not waiting for you to contact me, which you would have to do eventually, as we both know. I always felt you were motivated and intelligent and very pretty if only a little selfish and self-pleased, having grown up attending an all-girls school and doing probably very well there and at KU. Kathy, I look forward to hearing from you. Your dear friend and ex-law school classmate, James McCullough

      When she did not respond, he sent this:
      Kathy, Did you receive my email? I didn’t receive a reply from you and was simply curious whether you received it or not. I tried to make it abundantly clear in my message that I cared about you, partially because it happens to be true and partially because I would like t talk to you about matters in my life that are particularly vexing to me. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like, this, without finding a job in L.A. and without hearing from you, as you are the person whom I believe I can trust on matters of importance and as you seem to share some of my intellectual interests, having majored in biology and gone on to law school, eventually earning the right to practice patent law. Please reply to this message. Sincerely, James McCullough

      1. Oh yeah, classic. My narc ex used to produce similar letters in abundance and when I replied “I’m not discussing anything with you if it’s not regarding our daughter” a stream of abuse followed mixed with flattery and attempts at making me feel sorry for him. Also his “we need to talk!”, there, then, now. “What about?”. “Us”. “There is no us anymore.” … stream of usual abuse/flattery/poor sad me.

  1. Hi Mel,
    Hope you have a wonderfully Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Enjoy your much deserved time off.
    Peace and Love to You,
    Rosalie

  2. Dear Melanie

    I want to thank you for all your help and guidance over the past year. I suffered for 5 years at the hands of my NARC boyfriend. It wasn’t until I was at rock bottom with total despair, hurt, emptyness and thoughts of life isnt worth it anymore that I came across your website. As soon as I started reading all of your information I realized that I was the victim of a narcissist and it all started to fall into place. Your insight and advice has truly helped me in ways that I didn’t think possible, I managed to end my relationship and have been ‘no contact’ for 6 months despite numerous and ongoing attempts from him to hook me back in. His behavior is exactly as you describe in every way. I feel free, empowered and ready to face the future narc free! I’m back to my old self, happy strong and outgoing!! My family and friends have noticed a huge change. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your emails, website and all the work you do to help victims of narc abuse. You truly are a saviour ! Merry Christmas. Love Jo x

    1. Hi Jo,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased my work could help you.

      That is wonderful you broke free and have held No Contact.

      Yay – I love it when we break forth into the joy, space and excitement of creating a real, healthy life…

      There is no turning back – ever…

      Soooo gorgeous 🙂

      Merry Christmas Jo and much love to you and your family.

      Mel xo

  3. Dear Mel, thank you for thinking of us at this most vulnerable time. My narcissist moved on, I miss him dreadfully and I am hating the thought of the holidays. As you say, I wonder about his new life and simply cannot believe he can be as happy as he used to be when we were together, secretly hoping he will be back. I believed we were soulmates, he was always unexpectedly turning up in my life for the past 23 years, until we finally nade it together. I have done a lot of work on myself but despite everything I miss sharing my life with someone special and see no way I can possibly be with someone else now. It feels like I am only existing. So thank you, I will hold on to your words and think of others in similar situations to help me get through this holiday season. All the very best to you and the community xxx

    1. Hi Perrie,

      you are so welcome. I truly do know how painful Christmas can be until released and free!

      Have you worked with energetic healing to get DEEP into the painful beliefs that are keeping you trapped in ‘living’ life from a powerless centre.

      Once you find those beliefs and release them and transform them – truly you won’t know yourself.

      Because how you are feeling – truly is NOT who you really are.

      There is a big difference between informational work on ourself and using powerful inner transformational processes.

      The first means we ‘know why we are the way we are’, and the second means we ‘shift the way we have been operating to a completely different centre to generate life from’.

      The first way is the long and drawn out way around.

      Holding on to my words is not the answer – you need to shift from inner centres so that you don’t need to hold on to anything anyone says in order to survive…

      The true solution is to shift yourself in a way where you ‘become’ the state you seek. Then you can Thrive.

      All the best and much love to you Perry.

      Mel xo

  4. Awesome holiday encouragement. Thanks, Mel, for all you do to encourage and love us. I can certainly say your voice has been a source of strength to me during this past year. Have a great holiday vacation.

  5. Thanks very much for this message, Melanie. I’m alone this Christmas, but actually I’m happy to feel a little lonely- I feel sure this is because there is more space for better dreams to stir up soon. Loneliness is just space, really, with which we have to get more comfortable, maybe- it was kind of exciting when I first felt it- like, whoa, that must be loneliness… (!)
    This is my third x-mas disconnected from my narcissistic family. And the first one I’m excited about in years.
    I’m going to cook a little something healthy for myself, take a nice walk, play music, and write some poetry. It will be quiet and a little sad, but that’s okay. There’s no more desire to pretend any of the narcissists loved me, no more circular dramas in my mind…
    I remember my narc mother taking out her will and death wishes one Christmas morning when I was young and reading them out loud before the opening of presents to the entire family. It was very dramatic and strange- and I cried- with her sadness, and too, a sense of the wrongness of it all. I guess that’s the only way she could think of to destroy the communal feeling of christmas that year and draw attention to herself…
    Each holiday away improves. And as I grow to tolerate the cold more and more, it is easier to look up and see the beauty of the snow and the trees and the generous flakes falling gently from the sky.
    For anyone stuck still fighting for air, hands numb in the blizzard, just keep putting one foot in front of the other- it won’t last forever…
    xoxox.

    1. Hi Allyson,

      There is such an incredible difference between feeling ’empty and lonely’ and spending quality ‘alone time’.

      It is so important to be able to love and cherish ourselves and enjoy our own company..

      That is vital to be able to have healthy relationships not based on dependencies and neediness…OR allowing abuse…

      It is great that you are honouring you now, and no longer accepting abuse in your life…

      Much love, hugs and strength and further healing this Christmas.

      Thank for inspiring others Allyson!

      Mel xo

  6. Thanks for the amazing inspiration especially for 2014….Been another huge year and just keeps getting better and better as I grow and grow….one of the best days of my life was discovering your website.Wishing you a maginificent break with great gratitude
    arohanui
    Frith

    1. Hi Frith,

      it has been so gorgeous seeing your incredible progress Frith, and the exciting unfolding of your wonderful new life…

      Thank you for your loving wishes, and the same back to you lovely lady!

      Have a beautiful Christmas and New Year Frith 🙂

      Mel xo

      1. Happy Holidays to both of you, two of my favorite Australian women! Enjoy your break Melanie, and, Frith, it’s all just practice is my favorite self talk since I listened to your thriver show. I am dancing in a play this weekend, two performances down and two to go. I am doing folkloric gypsy skirt dance, veil, and sword balancing. My divorce became final this Tuesday. And it’s Christmas, and I am ” alone. ” however I am enjoying myself and keeping busy in the play. It’s a rewrite of A Christmas Carol incorporating music and dance. I am exhausted but at least I’m happy! 🙂 it’s all just practice anyway!! =D LOVE you both, Pamela

  7. Hi Mel,
    QFH is the best present I ever bought myself.
    True to your words the NARC reappeared at this vulnerable time for another feeding but, baby this buffet is closed !!!

    I really understand what was going on now and what is at stake – I’m a bit thick sometimes and your spiritual understanding of this drama are life-saving 🙂
    Not even half way through QFH but I am feeling bursts of optimism and peace.

    The NARC ebooks educated my mind, but the healing sessions are truly amazing!
    So glad I made the purchase- optimistic for the first time in a very very long time..
    Much love and thanks back to you and have a fab rest and holiday !
    Peter

    1. Hi Peter,

      I am so pleased you made the decision to get NARP for yourself, and it is doing the desired shift work deep inside you!

      We are ALL very ‘thick’ Peter when stuck in painful survival programs…

      Sadly our consciousness, wisdom and ‘right action’ is very, very shut off when fear is running the game!

      I am so thrilled you feel that optimism now – which IS our natural state when we start emerging out of the clutches of our fearful inner programs…

      Much love back to you – and thank you 🙂 I hope you have a wonderful break time too!

      Mel xo

  8. Thank you for this video Mel! I’m looking forward to a healing Christmas – alone for the first time in my life – doing NARP! Wishing you a peaceful month of recharge and thank you so much for NAPR xxx

  9. Thank you for everything Mel. It is taking me a long time to tie off the last inner threads but I am getting there, mainly thanks to you. Have a wonderful Christmas break. Love and hugs, Jenny

    1. Hi Jenny,

      that’s okay that it is taking time – the important thing is you are moving forward, and working at these inner threads…

      Thank you, and wishing you a wonderful healing break too Jenny.

      Love and hugs back!

      Mel xo

  10. Thank you Melanie for everything. Because of you, I am much more self aware, take better care of myself all round and quit smoking three months ago just because I don’t need it anymore. I have learnt to stand in for myself where the cigarettes used to.
    To think that I was suicidal when I contacted you as “Qiyaam”(my other name) in March or April of this past year.
    Even though I am still busy with NARP, I feel like a different person already.
    I wish you a joyous Christmas and all the best for the new year ahead.
    Lotsa love xxxxxxxxxx

    1. Hi Quinton,

      You are so welcome.

      That is wonderful you are loving and partnering you – and coming ‘home’ without the need to self-avoid or get energy outside of you!!

      Isn’t it gorgeous when you can just ‘be’happy!! So much healthier…and it changes everything.

      Yay!

      Much love and wishing you a wonderful Christmas period too Quinton.

      Mel xo

  11. Thank you Melanie. Your voice and your beautiful and ongoing encouragement through NARP and the radio shows, have become the second voice in my head. I can re-orient myself away from the negative and obsessional thoughts that used to rule me. Its been almost one year since I discovered your site and committed to recovery through NARP. I can hardly believe the changes that have happened in one year. Truly, finding your work last January was the lump of gold that kept me going through a year of very grave losses. All the best to you for the holidays. I hope we can all be replenished by them, rather than sucked dry by the N’s. Allyson, I love your post. I too am sharing Christmas with me! In the cold snowy Northern Hemisphere. My first Christmas tree completely to myself! xo

    1. Hi Becca,

      I am soooo happy that you can now look back at the person you were a year ago and barely recognise her!!!

      That is what recovery is so about – evolving ourselves past ‘who we once were!’…

      Gorgeous that you are – like Allyson – able to do alone time so magnificently, healthily and productively.

      Enjoy and lots of love

      Mel xo

  12. Thankyou Melanie, Your blogs have saved my life and my sanity.Yes I am living a life free of my N with no contact apart from the controlling letters he sends me re morgages arrears etc. He has got no reply from me and never will. I am ina great place right now thanks to your wonderful work. Have a well deserved break and every happiness and blessings for the festive season Love XXXXXXXXXXXMaureen

    1. Hi Maureen,

      I am so please my material has been able to help you.

      Yay – how lovely that you feel free, and the hooks are gone!

      Wishing you and your family a wonderful Christmas season too Maureen 🙂

      Mel xo

  13. Hi Mel,

    Thank you for your warm words of comfort. Still trying to get beyond my situation. There are days when I feel like I’ve put him behind me then he calls or texts & even though I delete them, I still allow them to get to me. Hanging in there…fortunately for me, I have a group of wonderful friends. Hope you have a wonderful holiday season and enjoy your time off. Hugs…

  14. Hi Patty,

    You are very welcome…

    It is a process to heal and detach…and so worth the effort.

    Love, hugs and strength – you deserve your joy and your freedom…

    Have a safe and wonderful Christmas break Patty.

    Mel xo

  15. Blessings to you Melanie,
    Thank you for the tape. I redid Module 1 of NARP for the past two days. I never would have guessed it, but I feel peaceful and disconnected from “him.” I couldn’t care less who he is with this holiday. It is none of my business. And best of all, I am with me! Yay. Thank you. Thank you. THank you.

    Namaste

    1. Hi Mar,

      That is great that you are working Mod 1 determinedly – it is so effective for releasing painful trapped emotions – which is many of the ‘binds’ that can keep the pain going…

      Gorgeous you are feeling so much freer and peaceful without those emotional binds.

      Great job – and SO wonderful!

      Yay INDEED!!!!!

      You are so, so welcome…

      Namaste to you too dear soul.

      Mel xo

  16. Merry Christmas Gorgeous Mel 🙂

    We r heading to our camping Beach Spot. Will send u some lovely summer beach energy. Thank you for every part of my Heart and Soul for all you have done, created, encouraged for myself Lotus and all that cross your pathway in search of Inner Wholeness.
    xxx

    1. Hi Maria,

      Merry Christmas to both of you darlings!!

      That sounds so divine, I love how you honour yourself with nature…and you are such a beautiful Mum!

      YOu are so welcome, and it is my absolute pleasure sweetheart!

      Mel xo

  17. So much has happened this year and this Christmas will be a very different one than last. Although I shared last Christmas with my N ex-boyfriend and it was one of the loveliest times together, just before New Year he made a very pointed comment about the true nature of our relationship that he had kept hidden and that I am sure he unintentionally made. I challenged him and sent him on his way to begin my first attempt at NC. There were about 3 of these altogether. I have not now seen him for many months and the last time I did, I made it clear to him what I would and would not be doing in the relationship ever again and what he would have to do in order to be part of any kind of relationship with me. I must have grown a lot and it must have hit home since I have not seen or heard from him again. I think I have grown and moved on and am no longer any kind of match for him any more.I am aware that I am a very different person to the one I was at this time last year and I would not go back to how I was before, ever again. I realise now, all the wounds inside me were what allowed this relationship in the first place. I am sure that a lot of these are now healed.I am not looking for anything outside of myself any more and did not realise I was until this most recent relationship. Life just keeps getting better and better and at present I am not planning to be in any relationship unless I am healed enough and the person matches my values. One more thing I have realised is that when I feel that attraction to a man, that it means I am having some sort of fantasy and he is likely to be someone who is unable to meet any of my core needs. I could write the scenario about how the relationship will pan out, so I am noting these feelings and keeping right away. So this Christmas is going to be very different this year. I am spending the day partly on my own and partly with a very good friend of mine and her family. I am sure it will be a lovely day. I am now on holidays and looking forward to 6 lovely weeks of self-nurturing and replenishing of my energy which has been depleted after a very busy year. I am sure that 2014 is going to be a wonderful year. 2012 and 2013 have been very difficult years for some reason, but next year is going to be just great.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      yes most definitely you laid a boundary that was definitive, pulled the mask down and would allow no compromise.

      That was powerful, and absolutely means that there can be no more manipulation or mind-games – and hence he has gone…

      Beautiful that you are working on your own evolution and know that the true desire for a wonderful relationship will meet you in life, as per your vibration – and it will!

      So, so gorgeous that you are nurturing and replenishing you and looking forward to 2014!

      Yay to that!

      Mel xo

  18. Mel, thank you for your beautiful Christmas message!
    Thank you for all your inspiration
    and guidance during the year.
    Have a fabulous holiday and
    love and angel blessings be with you
    for Christmas and always.
    Love you to the Moon and back!
    val xxxx

  19. My story is an ongoing one. I met a man 8 years ago, right after a divorce from a raging alcoholic. My kids were 3 and 7 and Tom, the man that I just met was my knight in shining armor. He adored me and seemingly my children, he had extra money to help me pay the bills, he took on a father role when my kid’s father did not contact them anymore. It was good. Tom did pronounce that he was one of the most intelligent people that he knew. He continually said this and began talking down to me and many others. Nobody could ever be smarter. Tom is also an evangelical born again Christian. Then we got married. Tom had 2 older girls 13 and 15 at the time. Our kids were 7,11,13 and 15 when we got married. Everyone but the 11 year old is a girl. Within a year Tom began emotionally abusing my son (unbeknownst to me). He called him a loser, worthless piece of sh*t, stroke, EVERY time he saw him. It is worth noting that my son is of gifted intelligence. It was hidden and covert, all under his breath but so my poor son could hear. After noticing my pictures of my son being turned around, the cable being turned off when he was watching TV and my son withdrawing more and more I finally learned what was going on. Tom was tormenting my old child. A child who already had his father leave earlier in life. Tom initially denied everything then he admitted to a story that was very much more “light and kind” than reality. I left with my kids for a month and Tom relentlessly pursued me to come back. I did go back with the absolute promise that Tom could never, ever abuse my son ever again. Well, its been a year, my son is nearly 16 and he has just informed me that over the past year the emotional abuse has never stopped. Tom never even stopped abusing him. I know I need to leave but my kids do not want to go. My son does not want to leave as he says that he can put up with it until college, he loves our house and does not want to downgrade. My daughter actually has a good relationship with Tom but I feel that she is also a pawn to him to help me not want to go. I know I’ve been severely betrayed and Tom is not trustworthy. I do not love him any longer, I simply want the best for my kids. My child is tormented and because of that, I am too. Tom is now denying everything that has happened over the past year. There is no admission at all but he is claiming that God can help us all change. I am so stressed I can’t think straight. Ugh, please help. Sarah

    1. Hi Sarah,

      When in narc relationships it is so painful and confusing. The walking on broken glass, the put downs and the damage it does to ourselves and others.

      Please understand that when narcissism is at play – there is no hope of change. As Trent Sheldon states so brilliantly – ‘Words mean nothing – it is actions that matter’…Narcissists will literally say anything to keep things working in their favour – without no genuine accountability – or accountability that holds, with no real therapy to heal their dysfunction – and the words are meaningless…

      If you deeply go inside and listen to your emotions – you know what the right thing to do is. Your emotions are screaming at you for a reason – that something is NOT right, and because there is NO possibility of him changing his behaviour (that is already proven) then it is you that needs to change your life.

      The children may believe ‘stuff’ is what is important, but truly emotions are…deciding and living a life that is congruent with love, decency and wholesomeness. That is what everyone’s soul desires the most.

      When we ‘know’ what is right but can’t bring ourselves to ‘take action’ – there are reasons for that.

      We have fearful, limiting beliefs that are causing us to continue living our life from a powerless inner centre, rather than an empowered and definite life-affirming healthy generative centre.

      It is these parts of ourselves we need to heal.

      That is why NARP works when people are still with narcs, totally distressed, and have no idea where to turn. By evolving these fearful inner parts they align with inner truth, find the inner resources and make the decisions that do serve them.

      I hope this has shed some light on this for you…

      Mel xo

  20. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Melanie! Thank you so much for this timely video. Wow! You are so right about the N’s using Christmas to try and hook us back in because we are vulnerable. My ex-N has always been and continues to be completely and utterly miserable at Christmas (and most holidays) and I never understood why. I do now. Already he is trying to start drama again this year, but I refuse to engage!

    Thank you for all you do and I hope your ‘re-charging’ time is refreshing and enjoyable! Happy Holidays!

    1. Hi Julie,

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too…

      You are very welcome. That is great that you are detaching and not handing over any supply.

      Great job!

      Thank you for your lovely well wishes, and wishing you a wonderful holiday season as well 🙂

      Mel xo

  21. Thank you so much for your dedication to help us all heal & move on. Have a wonderful break!
    This video is helpful, but I have one question.
    My teens are with their narc father for the whole week of Christmas. This is their (and mine) first Christmas apart from each other. They will be spending Christmas with their fathers new male significant other as well. As their father has introduced him as the “roommate” and is still trying to hide this new relationship from our children. They know better. My heart is bleeding for them. How can I keep the focus on healing me this Christmas and not worry about them? I’m feeling stuck. ~Cheers

    1. Hi Marla,

      You are very welcome.

      Truly Marla you have answered your own question – it is about healing you and not focusing on them…

      Of course this is virtually impossible to just ‘detach’ when the pain is extreme…

      You have NARP, so the way to do this is to go deeply into the pain that is coming up for you and shift it out with Modules…

      Then those charges diminish and you will build a stronger and stronger inner relationship of love, dedication and support to yourself.

      The key is to not intellectualise trying to gain relief from the pain – it is about shifting the painful trapped emotions in your body up and out.

      That is how to tackle this…

      I hope this helps. Merry Christmas Marla 

      Mel xo

  22. Thank you Mel.
    I don’t know what I would have done without you this year! With your advise and support I am free and looking forward to a happier and healthier 2014. Much love x

  23. Happy Holidays Melanie and Thank you for all that you do!!! I cherish your emails and posts. I have owned your program for almost a year now.

    I’m writing because today is one of the loneliest days for me. I grew up in a family led by a narcissist. After this summer,when I called out the narcissist, I am now only talking to a handful of family members. I’m sharing custody of my amazing 11-year-old son with a diagnosed narcissist and he’s with his dad until 10 a.m. Christmas morning. My on/off narcissistic boyfriend of 2.5 years has been ignoring me for 3 weeks now. (He decided this past summer that he’s going to be a singer and start a band and he told me that I’m not supporting him and he doesn’t need to be around my negativity). I texted him a Christmas wish this afternoon and he didn’t respond. I am physically alone and my brain seems to work overtime when I have too much “free” time on my hands.

    These past 2 years I’ve been researching narcissism and have really been trying to get a grasp on it all. However, nothing has sunk in yet. I am still hoping/wishing/dreaming that he will be the “potential” that I think he can be and it’s hard for me to realize just who he really is. I understand it has to do with “me” and that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships with narcissists. I don’t blame anyone. However, I do want it to STOP!

    I am trying, but my brain plays tricks on me. I second guess myself often. I have always put myself into situations where I’m treated badly. You think that by 45, I’d realize my worth? I keep hoping for miracles. I have more hope since I found you, but I’m still in so much pain….daily! I guess I wonder if its ever going to end and if I’m ever going to be happy and content, like I long to be?

    1. Hi DeDe and Merry Christmas. I think the 40’s is a time in life where we reassess everything…including relationships and patterns. That alone is painful but it causes us to grow into a better person.

      Hardest part of this all is to let go.. Do not cling to the idea of who you wish the narc to be…they are who they are and we cannot dream them into a better mate. Just doesnt work.

  24. Have a lovely break, Melanie –

    THANK YOU for all you have done for so many of us.

    I just re-read the parenting article, and have been using its principles, what a positive change. I ask for divine guidance so that I am supporting but not interfering in the kid’s own destinies. So good to fel so good 🙂

    Peace and Love,

    Val

  25. last day of 2013.
    with out question the information and healing that Melanie has outlined in this recovery programme has had the best effect on me it has shown me that i was not the only one.
    I have aso been reading many other voices in self development that started by the contact that i have had in this blog and emails shared by all of the fellow sufferers.
    The calmness and self assurance that i have gained by keeping up with the insights of this remarkable woman > Melanie< has changed my life. have a great 2014. Life IS worth while. despite often feeling it wasnt. It took me two years of recovery..Thank you Mel.
    hang in there "new recoveres" you will get there.
    kenn

  26. HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014 to everyone in this wonderful community! I wish you all a safe journey and the very best of everything for the new year. Lets all work on ourselves so we can be the best we can be for ourselves, to be able to share life, light and energy with the people who are kind and loving to us. Love and a HAPPY GOODBYE TO 2013. Love to you Mel and thank you for you over the last two years. Life is great! Love Jac xx

  27. Dear everyone – Happy New Year, hope you all had the best possible Christmas / holiday season.

    Mine was inadvertently hilarious. Ten years (nearly) after separating from my CapN husband, and three years after drifting into (peaceful and happy) estrangement from my N-family-of-origin, I had no intention of spending Christmas with ANYONE. I was happy to sleep in, go to the beach for a swim, have a really good ham sandwich for Christmas lunch, chill out completely.

    But wouldn’t you know it? Somehow or another I found myself staying (for two nights) in the home of a female acquaintance who I barely know, who turned out to be the Narcissist from Hell.

    Except this time it didn’t bring me unstuck. I was able to sit back, watch the textbook narcissistic techniques get rolled out, and then, remarkably enough, I got to watching her completely fall to pieces when I didn’t buy into it.

    Well, truth be told, after 14 hours of relentless Narcissism I did do a minor dummy spit before going to bed (to screeeeeam into my pillow with frustration), but by and large my ability to distance myself from her CapN behaviours, and to observe and even have a chuckle at how PREDICTABLE it all is, was pretty good, I thought!

    So, time heals, and allows perspective to develop. I don’t believe we can ever be completely healed from the trauma of a long involved relationship with a narcissistic parent / sibling / lover / spouse etc., but it’s nice to know that we can get better at recognising it and dealing with it.

    All the best
    Rx

    1. Rebecca, very very impressive indeed! Sitting back and watching the Narcastics without getting sucked in. I admire you, this truly is advanced thriver behaviour!

  28. Anyone out there have suggestions how to deal with the passive-aggressive nasties narcs like to use for weapons?

    1. Hi Raeanne! Best not to ‘deal’ with narcs at all as it is a pointless exercise. It never changes anything and only gives them ‘narc supply’ fueling the abuse the more one tries to engage with them, leaving one feeling drained of all energy. Instead, ‘deal’ with yourself and take Mel’s advice and heal your inner wounds. NARP is amazing and I use the healings daily now or when I need to shift something that is making me feel uncomfortable within. It really does work. I would not have survived if I hadn’t of found Mel who guided me and after that I learnt how to listen to my inner self, where I found a way free. If you can (I don’t know your situation) disengage from any communication as much as you can. x

    2. I’m trying to co-parent with a narc and you can imagine how hard that can be with his passive-aggressive behaviour. He’s never punctual, forgets about things for school, my daughter gets late to school because of him (luckily it’s only one school day a week), he’s late for appointments, never on time to collect my daughter, if I ask him to prepare something he does it at the very last minute or not at all. He somehow believes that getting up 10 mins earlier is beneath him, that’s his precious me-time.
      It all used to make me angry, but that’s what he wants. A reaction.

      When he lived with me, this kind of behaviour was much more commonplace and destructive, sometimes he “accidentally” pushed house plants on the floor so they broke and then he left all the mess like nothing happened… he used to throw wet teabags just next to the bin, or above it, so they stained the whole area around the bin… all that in a RENTED accommodation. Any remarks that maybe he needs to clean up all the mess he’s made met with a stream of swearing. Or – pouring the bleach all around to do “cleaning” that resulted in bleached stains on all sorts of things and clothing. There was no way to deal with that, I’m so glad he’s out of my life.

      If you live on your own and for some reason have to communicate with your ex (like maybe you’re co-parenting), just try not to react and have backup plans, always. You can’t make him a decent, responsible person and any attempt at maybe trying to talk sense into him will just make you angrier. That’s what they want, my ex always looked so bl**dy amused when I was asking him to do what a good parent should do. There’s no point in trying.

  29. Thank you all for your insight and suggestions. It’s nice to know I am not alone. He definately does the destructive route in the house. Tears up walls with logical excuses and then rarely fixes them. When he does…then starts in again with new excuse but same behavior. He truely has a mental problem. It seems obsessive. He forgets things too..perhaps purposefully or perhaps he has too many plates to spin his mind cannot keep track of it all. All meant to push others away physically and emotionally whilst keeping up appearances of productivity. He smiles and puts up good fronts for his friends and tries to control his family like puppets. He also holds the major purse strings and hints threats of poverty should I leave him. I was too young when married. Naive for years as I believed his lies. Now I see the truth and need to decide big things. Like leave him which will rip apart the family and financial security. Or stay and risk it might happen anyway should he abscond with our funds and run away to the coast. Either way he is totally untrustworthy but tries to appear like he is. That is one thing that stinks rotton eggs…he can appear to be the hero on the outside whilst undermining the very fabric of our relationship. So very shallow indeed.

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