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Lately I have been hearing a lot of feedback about how much you are enjoying the transparency of my articles.

I have heard from many people that sharing my own experiences has been very helpful to the community.

So this week as Zac and I were thinking of a topic for this week’s article he suggested “Why don’t you tell them about your recent dating experiences!”

Opening up more and being transparent is something I have been dedicated to doing for some time now – BUT I have to admit I was a little hesitant about sharing about dating.

I squirmed at his suggestion…

Then he gave me that look…

The look meant “Mum you STAND for being transparent and authentic – now do it”.

My son and I are blessed to have such an open and honest relationship.

So I immediately ‘got’ his look. I knew he was right, felt in to his suggestion, and a big rush of inspiration came.

In fact so much so that I am thrilled to share my present dating information with you.

 

The Destination

Since my separation from the last (and final) narcissist in my life over a year ago – I was barely dating.

The reason was because my greatest commitment was to myself.

I knew the recovery process intimately, because I had already been through it once before, and I am on the forefront of being fortunate enough to be able to help thousands of other people world-wide recover from narcissistic abuse.

I knew that in order to heal, I had to release all of the painful trapped emotions that I had accumulated during that relationship. The emotions which create depression, the obsession, the feelings of being psychically connected, and as we all know the list of pain with the deception and cruelty of narcissistic abuse goes on and on.

I knew that it would be fruitless to try to source and create a new relationship through a wounded inner centre, and that victimised emotions only create more victimisation. I knew I needed to work hard to be free of all of that.

Additionally I did a profoundly deep inner self-inventory regarding ‘why’ I had attracted narcissistic abuse again, and worked very hard at locating the corresponding false beliefs, previous unfinished business and the transforming of these core and crucial belief systems to much healthier ones.

These necessary transformations made so much sense, and I was thrilled to be able to share the findings with this Community.

It was all meant to be.

I also implemented great self-care – meditation, yoga, brilliant supplements, super foods, regular exercise and wonderful life-style choices.

Speaking of lifestyle choices, I marvel at how much my life has changed for the better.

I am writing this article from a beautiful beach side café, answering emails regarding meetings in LA (something I never once would have been doing!) and eating a delicious lunch after having a swim in the ocean.

After I finish this rough draft, I’ll be back in for another dip!

I never used to work like this, and I never used to grant myself so much pleasure with the things I used to only dream of doing.

Okay, back to my ‘healing past’…

Because of all my efforting determinedly to heal myself piece by piece, the darkness dissolved and then happiness, inspiration and loving thoughts started to come in.

After several months I began to feel the most whole, energised, confident and healthy I had felt in my entire life – which truly is what thriving after narcissistic abuse is all about.

It is the emancipation of our limiting beliefs and painful emotions in order to rise to a personal level we had never reached previously.

 

Connecting to Life

A great deal of my progress came as a result of my new understandings of connecting to Life, and developing orientations I had never lived until after the second narcissistic abuse experience.

Everything within my study, learning, reading and healings was taking me towards relatedness and being able to dissolve ‘separation’ within myself and with others and Life.

This meant ‘connection’ – developing it deeply within myself, and then showing up in the field of Life as ‘love’ and ‘extension of myself’ whenever possible.

Not from any position of agenda, but simply in order to genuinely connect.

The more and more I shifted faulty belief systems out of my Inner Self, the more I realised that Life co-creates with us through the ‘field of connection to Life.’

I understood in order to create ANY great relationship that separation and fear had to go. However, (and I know you can relate) it is very hard to connect to Life when not feeling safe.

This meant I needed to firmly confront my fears of relating – my fears of being taken over, engulfed, deceived, mislead and abused. This meant learning personal authenticity – the ability to no longer ever self-abandon.

I knew I had horrifically self-abandoned in my past.

So I did many, many, many Quanta Freedom Healing sessions on myself in relation to this – to be able to reach the level where if I felt unsure of something, that I had the ability to be deeply anchored within my body, confront, ask questions and clarify – trusting myself that I would never distrust my gut or myself again.

And knowing I am NOT infallible – maybe my gut is confused, but I can still hold my connection to myself, stay calm and ask for clarification lovingly and respectfully – until clarity is available.

Authenticity also meant speaking up healthily for what I needed, rather than trying in maladapted ways to get needs met – such as just go along with other people – thinking that they would then love and respect me, or be indirect or bottle up – therefore creating separation and resentment instead of connection.

I DEEPLY realised that connection, trust and love is created via emotional honesty (authenticity) and I was determined to practice it in every relationship in my life.

It created some rough spots – absolutely.

In fact one long term relationship completely ended as a result of it. However, I am happy to report that every relationship that I genuinely value has become more real, deep, loving and honest as a result of this dedication to authenticity.

I have also created many more incredible, valued friendships.

I knew I had to get authenticity RIGHT before even thinking about dating seriously, and I knew it was necessary before I could attract an ‘equal’ also orientated in his life at this level.

 

Being Alone First

No more was I going to be romantically involved with wounded individuals who weren’t connected to Life and others wholesomely.

(Yes it had been a mirror.)

I knew I had to become the relationship I wanted to experience.

Before becoming really solid and ready The Universe supported me by ‘giving me time’. There were barely any desired candidates, there were some great people, but just not great for me, and I remained choosy and was certainly not needy enough to ‘grab just anyone’.

My orientation was much more focused on healing and uplevelling myself – and I was also working on having healthy and wonderful male friendships.

I loved this bit of information that I heard…

Nelson Mandella was once asked how he survived when he was imprisoned all those years, including gruelling solitary confinement. He said “I wasn’t surviving, I was preparing. Because I knew if I ever got out that I would lead the country – and I needed to be ready for that. So I did everything I could to prepare myself.”

Whoa!!!

He DIDN’T wallow; he didn’t feel sorry for himself.

He just kept improving himself whilst biding his time.

How much more inspiration do we need?

Likewise my hiatus period was – the preparation to become the woman I needed to be in order to generate and receive a spectacular love relationship.

 

Getting Clear

The fact of the matter is:  a love relationship is one of my cherished desires. It is the issue in my life that has been the most challenged, and it has hurt, thwarted and disappointed me more than anything else I have struggled with.

I know that a loving, beautiful love relationship for many of you is a deep desire also. That is why I SO hope my examples and trajectory can help you!

I realised this time I needed to have a very clear relationship orientation, and this meant getting really clear about Who I Was and WHAT was REALLY important to me.

Last week’s article describes where I used to be trying to source love from – from my inner wounded parts  – the insecurities, fears and beliefs that I couldn’t co-create with Source / Life / God my own life.

The ‘old me’ believed ‘a man’ was needed in order to ‘live’. I was trying to replace the creative power of my Infinite Self (connection to Source / Life / God) with another human being.

Human personalities are not ‘God’, yet I tried to make out narcissistic men were ‘Gods’, and clung to them, despite the abuse – as if they were the ‘Source of All My Life’.

Naturally the men I was attracting were men who would simply grant me my biggest fears of not being able to generate my own survival or life – as a super serve – in order to correct this false and fearful generating of life.

I personally needed to take full responsibility for my part in being a woman ‘who couldn’t survive without a man’.

I desperately needed to heal that, because when I was not sourcing life, truth, love and power from my own connection to Source / God / Life, I was leaning on some very poor and even pathological substitutes.

We all need to understand this: It is impossible to create different results with the same beliefs, choices and behaviours.

In fact that’s been dubbed – the definition of insanity.

As such, I knew I needed a powerful new intention.

 

My Relationship Intention Statement

I used to think similar interests were compatible components in love, now I know just how powerful and important aligned values are.

So what are my values? What are the things which are really important to me?

My top answers are:

  • Creating authentic, transparent and real connections (Evolutionary Relationships)
  • Flourishing in order to become the highest version of myself possible
  • Fully contributing to help humankind evolve as Source / Life / God would have me do

Therefore to be true to myself, my life and my individual calling it is imperative that my love partner is compatible to this TRUTH of my real life and soul orientation.

After much re-working I came up with my relationship intention statement:

“Divine Spirit please open my heart to accept and receive my beloved, the most divine selection available, as the man with who I co-create divine and authentic love, true mutual flourishing and evolutionary healing with the world.”

I set the goal for this manifestation, and cleared all resistance with the use of the QFH Goal Setting Process (the same process as the Goal Setting Healing Module in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).

I anchored into the goal joyfully and deeply. I could feel it through every cell in my body as real.

I also got VERY CLEAR where I had gone REALLY wrong in my choices of men before, such as:

  • Saying “Yes” to people I was not really emotionally connected to
  • Proceeding even when something inside me felt ‘wrong’ about it
  • Settling for ‘less’ because I was frightened I would not find ‘anyone better’ to ‘look after me’.

I released all the limiting beliefs and fears around these previous patterns and pledged deep, deep inside of myself that this time I WOULD NOT make the same mistakes, and I would wait for the man who did match my intentions, who I DID feel truly compatible with – and who I DID find incredibly magnetic, real and ATTRACTED to.

The narc’s previous personas were a turn off for me – the truth was I had previously been ‘attracted’ to narcs as a result of my survival fears mostly. (I actually found the narc ‘look at me’ behaviour, pretences, arrogance, and trying to win approval as ‘icky’ and ‘insecure’.)

After getting clear, setting my intentions and becoming a vibrational match, things started to happen very quickly as Source / God / Life started co-creating this intention with me.

I immediately saw a dating video (random and unrelated to what I was looking up) regarding internet dating and red dresses. I had an immediate inner woosh of “Do it!” Within two days my new photos were done and posted on the dating site.

Then I had the inspiration to re-write my internet dating profile.

My profile became a clear love letter to the Universe.

I stated I was not seeking  ‘any partner’, or a relationship for security, comfort or to confirm each other’s identity (previous patterns), and that I stood for an evolutionary relationship –  authentic connection, supporting each other’s thriving and  co-creations in the world.

I checked in with some male friends in my age bracket, and they said “The photos are great, but you’re going to scare men off. Men need you to need them, that’s too intimidating”.

I shrugged my shoulders – “We’ll see…” I said

The reason I said “We’ll see…”, is because I know this:

Whatever we are deeply authentic about and deeply stand for is the Point of Attraction we manifest into our life.

 

The New Relationship Model

I believe love relationships are EVOLVING out of old gender roles and towards spiritual partnership of deep relatedness and connection.

‘Survival’ is NOT the orientation now.

I believe the ‘male provider’ is on the way out, and I also believe women’s fearful dependencies ‘I need a man to survive’ has been a painful contributor to relationship violence as well as relationship manipulation from both genders.

Many great men have been wonderful providers, and many great women have been provided for, but now there are men reliant on ‘the provider’ identification to source significance (and sometimes assert control), and for ever throughout history many women have not become their truest and highest self, because they are fearfully dependent, unwilling to ‘rise’, or controlled.

(Obviously these traditional gender roles can cross-gender, and also play out in same sex relationships.)

Necessary human evolution requires coming together on a more related, more equal and much healthier playing field.

Love, respect and power are no longer commodities to be fought over. These energies are now to be self-generated and then shared.

We are all evolving towards shared roles and responsibilities, greater personal empowerment and capacities for both men and women (true shared and encouraged flourishing), much deeper emotional and spiritual connection, and healthier bonding and respect for each other.

No longer is a ‘successful’ relationship based on material survival.

Successful relationships are now ones of authentic emotional and spiritual relatedness (true connection), and where each person stands in and for the other person to be the highest potential of their gifts and talents possible to share with the world.

Why is this important for relationships now?

Because Life is now calling all of us to express our True Selves, and none of us are happy unless we do.

So, what is our ‘True Self purpose’?

It is anything we ‘do’ within the ‘beingness’ of shining love and authenticity. Our purpose is where we connect to others and contribute to Life with love. Our purpose is being the full expression of Who We Really Are, and what really lights us up – whether it is selling cakes or running a multi-national company.

If we are not happy and fulfilling our True Self purpose then how do we share ‘fulfilment’ ‘joy’ and ‘love’ with another?

The truth is – we can’t.

The issue for our generation is – we have never had this new relationship paradigm modelled for us. Our parents weren’t living it… at least not many of them.

We are the first generation caught up in this changeover in the history of mankind – and that is huge, because we are right on the leading-edge of an incredible evolution shift.

Never before have there been so many single people on the planet, and never before has there been such a high rate of divorce and separations. The ‘old system’ is decaying, dying, falling apart at the seams and quite frankly exploding everywhere we look – because it is meant to.

Our parents were in the old system, and as they leave the planet so will the previously defined survival gender roles.

Interestingly our children – fortunately as a result of learning from our struggles, and simply because they are more naturally wise and evolved than we are,are often already modelling equality and the new system beautifully.

Humankind’s entire consciousness needs to stop regurgitating the past if we want to love each other and survive. We need to let go and shift upwards and forwards. We need to heal and release the back of our brain and start sourcing life from the front of our brains.

We need to release ‘fear’ and ‘survival’.

We need to let go of our history and create a new future.

We need to realise: Our children are NOW our teachers…

Many of the younger generation don’t need to fearfully source power, significance or survival through specific gender roles, and as a result there is less enmeshment, power-struggles, and less difficulty in relating to each other, and much less need to control,  cling or compete.

In younger relationships responsibilities are shared, more freedom, trust and respect is granted, and support and inspiration is naturally extended without insecurities to allow and encourage both sexes to grow, develop and thrive.

There is not the fear of: If you don’t need me or if I can’t ‘give you this’ you’ll leave me, or… I can’t survive in the world without you.

The younger generation are individually sourcing connection to inspiration and power and THEN SHARING IT – therefore REAL relationships can flourish.

Yes men and woman are ‘different’, yet the evolution of relationship is towards ONENESS.

‘Oneness’ is not division – it is a deep loving connection of mutuality and relatedness.

‘Oneness’ is:  the God / Source / Life in me sees and meets the God / Source / Life in you.

‘Oneness’ dispels the painful and fearful illusions of separation.

This is the model of a world leaving survival and fear behind, and fast-tracking into conscious co-creation and love.

It is up to all of us to help midwife this true relationship model into being.

 

The Results of My Dating Profile

When my profile went live I immediately received a lot of contact.

This included many emails stating that not only had my profile been read – many men deeply resonated with what I had written.

What was incredibly interesting is men in their 30’s ‘got’ my profile easily, whereas men in their middle to late 40’s and older nearly all stated ‘Some men would be very intimidated by you’.

It is obvious how younger men are not as entrenched in ‘survival gender roles’. (This led to a decision I had never previously considered which was to start dating men in their 30’s – more about that next week!)

Not only did my profile NOT scare men off (as my male friends predicted), it hit the Number 2 spot out of thousands of profiles Australia wide.

What those results meant is – the power of being personally authentic (real and true to yourself)is clearly unmistakeable.

I SO hope you have enjoyed this article!

If you also desire an intimate partner to share an authentic, connected and evolved relationship with,  I encourage you to join me in this following process…

It involves writing down your relationship intention (like I have done above).

In order to do this I would like you to really connect with what you know is the truth for you – and WHO you wish to be, as well as the beloved you wish to RECEIVE into your life.

If you don’t mind sharing I would you to post your intention in the comments below.

By doing so you will be putting your intention out to the Infinite Field. By sharing and standing within the co-creative power of this community – you are expanding the power of your intention.

Look out for Part 2 next week – where I will be revealing the results of my latest dating experiences.

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Commments (40) + Leave a comments

40 thoughts on “My Journey To An Evolutionary Love Relationship – Part 1

  1. My comment is about authenticity, not attracting a love relationship per se. I recently posted a first person account of a powerful spiritual experience I had on my blog. I have seen, know, and am aware that separation is a lie, and am trying to be as true to myself as possible because, in part, I believe that being authentic is indespensible to real connection. It was honestly a terrifying experience. There’s always that possibility that a future employer might link the blog with my actual name and not hire me, or that I might lose friends, because I fail to fit an acceptible norm. On the other hand, I needed to no longer portray things that I actually experienced as make believe. So while I am striving to be as authentic as possible, I still feel silenced by the need to survive, to be safe. It strikes me that sometimes authenticity makes you much more vulnerable than safe. I find I’m sometimes wanting to take the post down, and other times feeling like that would only give power to the general intolerance toward unconventional belief systems so prevalent in our popular culture. I’m inspired by your dating profile and it’s fantastic that you aren’t letting gender roles and their arbitrary rules…such as the rule that women shouldn’t date younger men…get in the way of the life you want. I’m trying to be authentic without being stupid, so if you have any suggestions for me about what to do in my case, I’d love to hear them. I go by another name on your narp forum. I await the day when transparency really doesn’t effect our careers or alienate us from our friends.

    1. Hi Elish,

      you post poses a fabulous point – and one that I would really love to help you (and others) with.

      You are 100% correct in that authenticity is crucial to healthy relationship – because there is no ability to have any authentic (real) relationship without authenticity.

      Regardless of what is ‘being said’ if it is not authentic – the ‘field’ of the relationship because unstable and unwholesome, and maladaptation and toxicity must and does occur.

      So knowing that – the goal is TOTALLY to become an authentic and cooperative component in life.

      The first step in this is to realise we have NO control of others, and only 100% control of how we show up – and what energy we bring to the table.

      It is great you wish to strive for being authentic…

      But here is the clincher, and what has been an issue for you…

      That you fear ‘others’..in being authentic (which is perfectly understandable after being wounded – as we all have)..

      BUT, and this is a big BUT – we need to uplevel to the understanding that ‘there are NO others’…and what this means is life and others are always responding to us as per Law of Attraction to OUR emotional belief systems – point blank…

      So there is NO need (and it is fruitless) to look outwards and ponder, fear or even think about other’s reactions….

      That is not where your focus needs to be…Your focus needs to be firmly brought to your interior beliefs the ones that fear what others will do with your authenticity..

      These painful beliefs are SO common – “If I am real people will hurt me”, “If I am real people will reject, abandon, criticise, punish me”…and the list goes on and on…and truly you won’t know exactly what your specific ones are (we all have them) until you drop into the fear, go inside your body, open up to the fear and ask what it is about..

      After finding those limiting and painful beliefs that are making it TERRIFYING for you to be authentic, then you can release them with NARP (module 1) or use the goal setting Module in NARP to transform them.

      Then you will show up in the field being authentic without these fears.

      Then you will notice people will naturally and easily accept you as yourself, and / or the people who don’t won’t even trigger you – they will just drop out of your experience (no longer a Law of Attraction match)…

      OR they will rise up to meet you at the high vibration of authenticity if their development allows them to.

      You will also start attracting people in droves who have the developmental range to be authentic…

      Don’t let your ego convince you that this is an ‘outer issue’ – because that is a TOTAL illusion…

      Now you know what to do, and you will see the magical results that appear incredible – but are simply a response to your healed and evolved vibration.

      Mel xo

  2. I found your article inspirational and a fountain of hope so much of why ended up with a narc was because of my need for safety and security, only to be delivered the opposite with a side order of pain.
    Maybe more importantly your article really resonated with me as you spoke about the next generation. As I watch my teenage daughter enjoy her first really major relationship I have struggled with how different it is to my experiences while at the same time admiring how they function as a couple. Your article help realise the old rules don’t apply and that they are changing the playing field completely its fascinating to see it unfold for what it is and not to simplify it by dropping it in the “its just the new generation” bucket. Yes it is a new way of doing things but we should watch and learn not dismiss it as another generation gap but give credit where credit is due in my daughters case they operate as a team……. Good on them

    1. Hi Joanne,

      thank you for your post and I am so glad my article inspired you!

      It is SOOOO true, how your daughter is doing relationship would be without the sourcing significance, insecurities and power struggles of the genders.

      I see my son, his relationship and his friends and their relationships doing ‘love’ so much more MATURELY and importantly ‘BEING FAIR’ than what we do!!!

      This new generation are our greatest role models now.

      Cheers to that 🙂

      Mel xo

  3. Hi Melanie
    I have just listened to this on my way home from work, and all I can say is good on you – what stood out for me is your courage with a big C and authenticity with a big A. I have a way to go – and find myself holding back particularly with family. I want to show up as more real – with my young adult children and with my elder brother, but I so still worry about how they will react, and if I will impact negatively. I really need to do more work around this. I think that what I am understanding, is that this is not just about healing from abuse, but it is about being in life and all relationships in a completely different way. I have so much work to do (I will continue with Narp), but I will not leave this path now. A big thank you for being so clear and real, and I wish you a really excellent time in LA, take care xxx

    1. Hi Carol,

      Thank you!

      So, so, so true Carol, this is totally NOT just about healing from narcissistic abuse, this is about healing our life on every level.

      Narcissistic abuse was simply the catalyst to put us on a path of self-development.

      thank you for your well wishes in LA, and that is so wonderful that it is all becoming much clearer, and that you are on the path. 🙂

      Mel xo

  4. Hi Mel, ha I love that you are considering a younger partner, I was out for lunch with two friends the other day and both had encouraged the same, one being in a loving sharing relationship with a man 8 yrs younger and the other 10yrs younger. It made me think about why all my relationships with men and my x narc were all significantly older. Since my separation 2 & 1/2 yrs ago and on this journey I have had two short experiences and both were again significantly older and both presented with challenges that I knew I was not ready for on my journey to myself and I discontinued with them. My question is after 14yrs of such a disfunctional relationship full of abuse, control, projection, rejection, etc… You know the drill, do I even know what a real authentic relationship feels or looks like. I’m still working on my unhealed parts but I know one thing for sure if it’s any less than what I can give myself then it’s not what I’m after, or need. But what am I after Mel? I ache for it in my heart and soul but I’m not sure what it is yet…???? I feel confused sometimes, but I won’t settle for anything that goes against my values, I’ve had propositions but they were all unhealthy and not aligned with who I want to be….. Am I sort of there? I listen so much to my inner compass my friends think I over think everything too much, but it’s like I can’t lie to myself, ever !!!!

    1. Hi Lola,

      yes it is lovely, and the truth is he may be ‘any age’, but it certainly will not be a relationship of fear or neediness, or because he needs to provide safety, security or survival for me!

      I know now that I am the generation of those things with Life to myself…and that brings so much more freedom to create a great relationship with an equal partner.

      Okay your question is great Lola…and I will do my best with it…

      First of all relationship starts with self always…there is no ‘looking outside’ to make a great relationship work or happen..

      Many people ask this ‘What does a great relationship look like?’, and I always know (because I did it to) that these people have not yet done the work on knowing a great relationship with themselves.

      A great ‘relationship’ is one where wounded inner parts are taken responsibility for (not hidden and then projected), where a person can speak up honestly about what they need and have the honest conversations that are necessary to create trust, authenticity and connection, and where that person knows what it is to be ‘full’ and ‘whole’ through their own connection and not hold another person responsible to create that for them – so that they can share love and not ‘give to get’.

      That is what constitutes a great relationship as the essential foundation.

      Now you real job is to get that happening within yourself and your life at all levels possible before trying to create a love relationship.

      You need to do “Nelson Mandela” on this….

      Because if you don’t the wounded parts remain, you are not authentic in the field, and then a relationship within the same vibrational range is all that is available to you.

      Then without the anchoring into your own inner security and solidness, and without the tools of authenticity – as soon as wounds get triggered (as they always do in relationships) you are in very hot water..with someone else who also does not have the development to navigate.

      Law of Attraction is absolute, you cannot experience a level of relationship outside of your present Inner Identity, it is an energetic impossibility – hence why the inner work and self-development is so necessary.

      This means less talking to others to try to get them to work it out for you, and really doing the journey of becoming your own healer to yourself…Commit to inner healing work to find, claim and release painful trapped emotions which are running your life unconsciously, read the right books, learn, study, meditate and heal…

      And one day you will emerge as being ‘in relationship’ with yourself and life and you will KNOW what relationship really is, as a deep coded knowing that is your true God / Source self, that has only ever been covered over and distorted by the negative messages, wounds and traumas that you need to heal.

      Also be very aware that the statement “If it’s any less than what I can give myself, then it’s not what I’m after..”…is NOT the right orientation.

      People don’t treat us (reflect back) what we have the ability to GIVE THEM….they reflect back to us the ability we have to give to ourselves…

      I’ll explain why….

      If we are empty, if we don’t do self-care, self-love, self ‘filling’ then any giving we grant to someone is ALWAYS ‘giving to get’…And whether or not we know it – it makes the field unwholesome, it does not attract love and it is not coming from an evolved healthy inner space…

      It is co-dependency, attachment and approval seeking…and life and others don’t respond favourably to that…and it is NOT their responsibility to – it is our responsibility to heal the relationship with ourselves first…

      WHEN we can fill ourselves and love ourselves healthily THEN we extend and glow that outwards, not from a position of need, but from a position of wholesome love and authentic connection that DOES co-create true flourishing for all concerned.

      So you need to change that statement from “If it’s any less than what I can give myself, then it’s not what I’m after..”…to “When I give to myself and fill myself full of love and purpose and then extend that out into the world without agenda, THEN I will attract someone who loves, gives and connects me to wholesomely.”

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Healing every single inner wound sounds challenging since many of them are subconscious and may trigger even more ptsd symtpoms if we are to bring them up in a feeling of being unsafe. That is why I feel it is critical to have support during this process if you have never been able to feel safe in your own skin. Meditation can help, but without feeling accepted, one cannot build a relationship with another person. Remember Maslows heirarchy?

        1. Hi J,

          it doesn’t matter how many of them are subconscious when you use an energetic healing tool such as QFH to find, claim and release…because it leads you directly to them..

          Then they are conscious, captured and released through the process…

          All you need to do is feel into the pain, locate it in your body and open up to the answers…and the pain in feeling it is temporary (and becomes even comfortable) when you are committed to loving and supporting yourself, and then is replaced by the Source truth..

          The true ‘safety’ is the Source part of ourselves that is infinitely safe and totally untouched and ‘at one’ with the field.

          Every single one of us without exception has this power when you start tapping into it, know how to, and practice that regularly. On ANY topic that you have been previously struggling with including feeling ‘unaccepted’.

          When you start accessing this part of yourself you become more and more of that Source to yourself.

          Mel xo

  5. Hi Mel,
    I love this post! I am 43, and have been dating for the last 5 years since my marriage ended. I am so grateful and happy that my soul contract has finished with the narc(s) on the painful level, and especially for all the amazing things I learned about myself from those experiences. I have been doing so much healing work to remove my fears, beliefs and even past life experiences that had seemed to be trapped in my DNA. I can’t agree more that all of our previous belief systems from our parents are being broken down. Instead of fearing that change, I am trying to consciously embrace it everyday. I also have 3 kids who seem to have already questioned and inadherently know that those belief systems don’t serve them. They are my role models, because they simply don’t do what doesn’t feel right to them. I feel blessed to be around that type of thinking and knowing. I have a definite knowing that all I have to do is be authentic and love myself. I have met someone new, and he is my age (so know that once you vibrationally match to being open to the old system beliefs breaking down, that they can be any age 🙂 and truly feel that we are on that same authentic path. I will adopt a similar intention relationship statement to yours. Thanks Mel. You brought love and light to me today with this post. And I am sending it right back XOXO

    1. Hi Tracy,

      I LOVE your level of gratitude, that is such an empowered and healthy orientation.

      Isn’t it wonderful viewing our children – the new and improved models. It gives me endless joy to see my son not struggling with the inner issues I have had.

      That is soooo true, that is ALL we have to do is become the most authentically loving versions of ourselves continuously and then Life grants abundantly, as a natural flow of wellbeing that we are naturally tapped in to.

      I would love you to share your relationship intention statement when you have done it!

      Gorgeous 🙂

      Mel xo

  6. HA yes, I can agree with the mindset of seeking safety and security with a mate – especially an “older” one. I did and paid a dear price for it. Unfortunately we are brought up to believe in the fairy tale of an all encompassing person whom will save us from ourselves. And when we meet that someone who projects that image, we swallow it whole. Only to realize it was one big goosegge of pain. So now, in order to be more authentic with myself in everything, in ALL my relationships I go to the place inside me that feels strangely and ask “What is this feeling about?” This is a great self check for myself to examine PRIOR to responding to anyone. Agreeing with others for the sake of “getting along” is suicidal to the spirit, especially when the spirit is screaming at you otherwise. So listen to your gut. It is right.

    1. Hi Raeanne,

      wonderful that you see it so clearly.

      Absolutely many, many women have paid that dear price with narcissistic men, and men have paid a huge price with narcissistic women trying to source image, approval, attention etc from the outside.

      Oh yes – that fairy tale has been incredibly destructive!

      So, so true our inner navigation system holds all the answers – NOT the stories we make up in our minds, because THOSE are centred around inner wounds and fears, and keeping us attached to playing them out..

      Thank you for your great post 🙂

      Mel xo

      1. On that note we need to stop feeding these false beliefs to our children that there is a prince out there that will come and rescue us and start instilling a sense that we are already whole and saved once we realize it is all an illusion. We need to teach our children to depend on themselves and their own inner connection to spirit through intuition which will lead them to an authentic life. This is a new shift of consciousness that will absolutely lead to peace and comfort and above all LOVE in the highest sense.

  7. Good article! Thanks. 🙂

    I do feel better than ever, even I had a split up with the man I have dated all winter previous week (he is a good man, on the brim of healing he as well- it was truly fulfilling, the time we had together. A bit painful, but hey, when the heart grows, it aches- and we were learning, healing and growing a lot both of us; we talked about it, and it is so great. 🙂 )

    The first day after splitting up was very sad, and it was the body and emotions that experienced something I understand as addiction pulls and pain. I did a serious QH- session RIGHT AWAY after we split up, like a minute after I reached my computer, and it did wonders just dealing and digging while it all was super fresh! Also, detox, prayer, meditation, a lot of rest, self pampering/self care, some exercise and fresh air outside that brough a smile on my face, moving forwards during the days even if it hurts going out doing the things I use to do, reaching out to friends and connections for a hug not telling why (I received LOUDS of hugs and good words, and it gave SUCH a boost that first sad day). Using the e-books from NARP and the QH-session number one together with all of this, together with being true to myself in everything regards to him and the split-up, saying everything I needed to say before I said goodbye; very important and feels very good.

    Result is that less than a week after me and this great gift of a man was breaking up, I am more honest with EVERYONE around me than I have been since I was four and suffered the first trauma in life that really made me go into “unsafe” mode. And I am not afraid anymore of that honesty, it makes joy bubble up from within me. 🙂
    Now I am moving into “safe mode” again, and it is a joy. I laugh, and my brain functions very well, I am taking time several times a day to process emotions, rest, meditate and pray/giving thanks. And wonders: IT WORKS! I am mastering this now! 🙂

    Of course it is sort of frustrating knowing that if I had listened to myself from the beginning of this relation, we might have been together for the rest of our lives, but when I think of it, we were not really a perfect match. Even we were close. 🙂 At least not this time- the future no one fully knows, and it lies there open, always. 🙂
    I have reached a new level of mastering myself, mastering letting go like “normal healthy people” do, I have been travelling back picking up my lost parts in no-time and been feeling my strength and beauty stream into me as it happened- through some minutes of meditation in my living room; it is amazing! Truly amazing. 🙂 Two days after split up, I look ten years younger again and had lost the two kilos of weight that I gained through the time with him. 🙂
    And I use the freed energy every day on constructive activity, working with some of my passions. Because I now know again what I like and do not like and I feel my emotions, feel an identity again, have energy again and look healthy in the mirror.

    Actually there is a man in his thirties that has been around since last summer (the man I dated was far older)- I have been wondering about him now, but feel that “no no no” now is the time to just enjoy being alone and RECOVER, cause truly I have been burning my candle in both ends for about 5 months, and need time to get through everything getting the past out of my system. And after all, I am such god company, it is a joy. 😉

    Melanie, you rock.
    And to all the other readers here; I am so glad to be her together with you, reading this blog and working on self development and healing! My success receipe is to always rise again after falling, and moving on. One will never stop falling from time to time. Secret is to rise again, either alone or with help from others after having called for support. Together we are unstoppable. 🙂

    1. Hi NMSD,

      how fantastic that you have been able to connect back to yourself, orientate around this experience to heal and evolve and create even more self-development.

      You are incredibly inspirational!

      I agree that we are all so blessed to be joined energetically here, and growing, healing and developing as a community together.

      We are a Source of good, beauty, love and joy – and that is blessed.

      Thank you so much for you post.

      Mel xo

  8. Congrats Melanie, very inspiring. I cannot wait to find out what happened next.
    From some of your e-books that I have read, I thought that you already have a great partner in your life.
    Do you believe that even though we found a great partner and relationship after healing and removing resistances that we could evolve to the extent that we break up with this person?

    1. Hi Quinton,

      I am so pleased you found my article inspiring!

      Back then Quinton, I thought I had a ‘great partner’ too…

      Being narcissistic, it was in fact ‘great’ because it was exactly what I needed to deeply develop and heal..

      My take on all intimate relationship is this:

      We all come together for the bigger picture reason of ‘love’ – which looks like this “I will bring up for you your inner unhealed parts so that you can heal them”.

      Now what this means for BOTH parties is the triggers are hit, and THEN there is the choice – “Do I take responsibility for theses wounds?” “Am I willing to go to them lovingly claim them, name them and transform them?”

      If people have developed themselves enough as a result of their life journey then these wounds will be minimal…If they haven’t they will be significant..

      This is always a match…the level of wounding in one person is going to match the level of wounding in the other…

      If BOTH people are unwilling to take responsibility for their side of the fence, then those wounds will be covered over, projected outwards and the other person will be held responsible for them..

      There is no growth, development or evolution in shame and blame..personally or as a relationship.

      That is exactly what a TOXIC relationship looks like.

      The difficulty with narcissistic relationships is that the narcissist’s brainwiring is set on deflection – to avoid the emotional annihilation of claiming inner wounds at all costs…

      The narcissist would rather lose EVERYTHING that face those wounds, and will not grow, develop and heal as a result..

      Co-dependents can take that responsibility, but it is impossible in narcissistic relationships to do this without being scapegoated even more, and to heal or create uplevelling in the relationship.

      Hence why there is no option other than leave..

      In non-narcissistic relationships both people do have the ability to heal and evolve from the very purpose as to why the relationship came together in the first place.

      If that is chosen then the relationship can flourish and grow to the level of ‘heaven on earth’ – real love, freedom, flourishing and deep trust and connection, and transcendental passion..

      My belief for me is – WHY have anything less?

      That’s TOTALLY my goal. It takes true authenticity and developmental growth to co-create it.

      I hope this has answered your question…

      Mel xo

  9. Dearest Melanie, thanks for sharing these wonderful insights and experiences. Thanks Zac for suggesting this idea.

    I have been with no contact at all with the narc (not even happy xmas) for over a year and i’m single. I’m so happy to be in love with life and with my wonderful being and soul. I am convinced that the universe is providing me with what i really need everyday. So i told the universe that i’m not going to look for a man, i’m not going on dating sites and whenever i go out, it’s to enjoy myself with friends. If the universe thinks it’s the right time to have a real authentic relationship with a man, it will just appear, without me having done anything. This is the deal. If i will never have a real, authentic relationship with a man, that is fine,because i already have that with myself and it would mean that it was not important for my soul. Whatever the universe thinks is good for me, will happen. Occassionally I get requests for dates and till now i felt that they were not the right ones. I’m not being choosey or scared of relationships, just experiencing the knowing that they are not the right ones. In the meantime i know why i’m single because i’m learning so many things about myself. Allowing the universe to take over has made me so free to just be. I had a wonderful saint valentine’s day feeling the abundant love inside me.

    Melanie you have helped me immensely and i can never thank you enough. When i read in this blog that in your profile you wrote that you don’t need a relationship for security and comfort, i understood you and i know that you mean that you don’t want dependency but my heart sank at the same time, because I imagined a possible narc reading it and getting all eager to hook up with someone who is not asking for security and comfort. They are experts at not providing comfort. I don’t want co dependancy but i want security and comfort in all my authentic relationships. I don’t want insecurity and i don’t want discomfort. I know you feel the same way. Please forgive me if i misunderstood you, but you are so precious and divine that i had to tell you this. Take care and all the best for your LA tour. Enjoy it. I wish you well always.

    Much love.
    XXXXXXXX

    1. HI Jewel,

      I love your orientation, and HOW gorgeous that you are feeling so healthy and free..

      You have done a beautiful job!

      That is so, so true that a beloved can come from anywhere, when we are open to the field, it totally will just happen.

      I am very aware I could meet him at the service station putting fuel in my car! This is also why I now love connection – I love saying “HI’, I love talking to strangers, and I love extending loving energy wherever I go – it is magnetic!!

      You are totally correct it IS in God / Source’s hands – all we need to do is ‘show up’!

      Okay this is the deal with your concern..

      I actually couldn’t care less about narcissist’s trying to manipulate me, because my true power is in being TRUE to myself…

      I am not handing anyone ammunition BECAUSE the orientation around authenticity is absolute.

      This means when I feel anything ‘off’ such as love-bombing, ‘why I am better than anyone / other men’, other ‘self-promoting’ and other ‘narky’ traits of unease, arrogance, insecurity, pushiness, or trying to over-connect too quickly it is incredibly easy for me now to confront, lay boundaries and refuse to play…

      This is the orientation we all need to make, be true to ourselves, speak our truth and honour what our body says – it is not about worrying about what other people are or aren’t doing with ‘who we are’…

      Yes, narcissist are experts regarding NOT providing comfort, but it had certainly been MY pattern of narcs who came in trail-blazing and grandstanding that they WERE ‘supreme’ providers of comfort.

      At that WAS my weak spot…

      Other people may have had different patterns of abuse with narcs than this…

      I must say since I changed my profile there have been less ‘possible narky’ suitors (professing and boasting finances and accomplishments as a draw card) absolutely, because it was a pure statement of truth.

      I can only assume the logic is “This one can’t be won with glitz and glamour!”

      Hence why more ‘real’ guys are showing up!

      There are successful men still presenting, however they are more orientated in knowing their worth as Who They Are rather than trying to source power and significance through ‘what they have, do, drive, or live in’ (ego)…and there is a VAST difference!

      Thank you for your well wishes, and your care and love 🙂

      Mel xo

  10. Dearest Melanie, I agree totally. A healthy relationship would feel right and one involving narcs would feel awful. I agree that we are equipped to know and feel the difference. Our true self will always guide us and this certainty is so comforting and energising. It makes us feel safe.

    I wish you all the very best. Keep spreading the loving energy and infinite thanks for sharing your wonderful journey. Much love.
    XXXXX

    1. Hi Jewel,

      Thank you, yes all we need to do is anchor into being ourselves, trusting ourselves and showing up authentically…

      which means reconciling ourselves!

      Thank you Jewel, you are so welcome and many blessings to you too!

      Mel xo

  11. Thankyou to everyone who have left their comments. I personally feel that doing this work on yourself is so important and yet I am I so paranoid about meeting or dating another narc that as soon as a man takes an interest me I immediately become anxious, that I might be attracting another narc, I could not go through that again, once was enough for me and to think I might have to go through it again to get to the real me fills me with such trepidation that I would sooner not even date to find out. I wish this fear would go away. I know I am deserving and worthy of a real committed loving union and have a lot of love inside I truly would love to be able to share , but I despair that if I don’t let anybody in how am I ever going to get past my thoughts that there are loving genuine and true people in the world. This self- healing is fantastic and after doing the narc recovery program know for sure that in no way do I have any emotions left to deal with regarding the narc, the only feeling I have is indifference towards him, but I am si concerned that my fear of experiencing it again will prevent me from ever having a healthy loving authentic union with anybody.

    1. Hi Christine,

      what I am hearing through your post is that you have ticked off reaching many bases, but there are more to go for you to have a home run…

      You are through releasing the trapped painful emotions connected to the narcissist, now you have the trapped painful emotions to release regarding your present fears..

      That’s all that is going on here…

      Of course your ‘mind’ is not finding a solution because it can only think thoughts within the chemical range of the trapped painful emotions regarding feeling unsafe to date…etc…

      So you can leave them trapped inside you and feel like you presently do – or you can work on them to release them (Empowered Self Course, or Module 1 or Goal setting Module of NARP) WITHOUT CONSIDERING dating (that’s not the issue now)….and THEN see how you feel about all of this…

      Did you think that just getting past the narc was what this was about?…

      It so isn’t…

      And truly DON’T even think about dating or men, just think about releasing the pain and fear that is triggered (even if just by this article), source it back to the trapped painful emotions and beliefs, uplevel them and THEN see where that takes you!

      I promise you that will expand into freedom and joy that goes way beyond men or dating…and will ultimately (no I wont tell you about a man yet)…bring you so much true joy 🙂

      The simple life transforming formula is this – pain /fear is felt – DON’T try to wrestle with it cognitively – go to it inside your body and shift it out…

      THEN – you break free into the true and higher expression of the REAL you on this topic.

      You’ve done all this process before on the earlier ‘bases’ – so why is this any different, other then your ego wanting to keep you trapped here and separated from what you really want in life?

      Mel xo

  12. My children are my teachers! I joke that I am the problem child in the family. I am so grateful that they have been my guides

  13. I’m Nearly forty and spent 8 years with an abusive husband. When I left him I was so afraid of being alone I dated a few men but I seemed to attract all the wrong kind of men, that all needed saving themselves.
    I finally woke up to myself and decided to work on myself and strive to be a whole person without the need of a partner.
    I’m single and loving it, I have got to know myself so much better and continue to grow everyday.

  14. Hi Mel, I’ve found these posts to be truly inspirational well the whole of the NARP system really.
    I was married to an abusive Narc for 15 years and finally managed to get him to leave.This was 2.5 years ago and i have a 8 year old daughter.
    I had one date in 2.5 years and it didn’t feel right so that was a good start I listened to my inner self but didn’t bother dating at all after that just to do quantum headings that i needed and read and look after myself and learn how to be true to myself. This is the first time that i have ever lived on my own and i’m 43, so this was a real learning curve.
    So 5 months ago a guy I’ve known a few years as a friend asked me out i was totally surprised to be asked! we had few dates and I’m still seeing him. Now i don’t know why but at times not all times i get bothered that he is 30 and i’m
    43! i wish i could just let it be and enjoy this relationship he says he isn’t bothered by my age and was more worried i’d dump him due to his age!
    So i guess what i’m trying to say is at times i feel i’m being true to myself when we are together then other times i feel like i should end it due to our age difference bothering me! My Narc was 10 years older. Basically i just want to relax the age thing and enjoy being with him and we see where it goes as early days but i cant seem to i’m guessing its an insecurity thing!I really like him!
    I’m so looking forward to reading your post next week.
    xx

    1. Hi Rachel,

      thank you for your post, and I would love to help you!

      First of all it is wonderful that you have, and are doing work on yourself, and that you did not self-avoid and hope that someone else would come and rescue you.

      Now re the ‘age thing’…what you can do is target that ‘concern’ directly and shift it out – because in ‘the field’ there are no conditions on love….we just live the illusion…

      Then when you have cleared the resistance to ‘the age thing’ then you will have a clearer picture of the dynamics of the relationship and not be ‘muddled’ by ‘the age thing’.

      You can use Module 1 of NARP, or the goal setting module in NARP to release the beliefs that are that condition.

      Does that make sense?

      Mel xo

  15. Well, I’m putting it out in to the universe right now.

    I want to find a mate that will be my equal partner. That is willing to be loving and honest. In turn, I will be an equal partner and promise to be loving and honest. I want a genuine spirit connection. I will not settle for anything less.

    Oh and while I’m flinging it out there: I will handle my upcoming settlement, which has been pending for two years, brilliantly and will get everything I need from it. I will live a life of peace and love.

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