Melanie Tonia Evans

Narcissistic Abuse Is The Greatest Opportunity To Create The New You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

When you discover what narcissism is all about you know you are not the ‘sick’ one, and you know you weren’t to blame – because no-one can create a healthy relationship with a narcissist.

But truly, is it enough to just know this? Is this enough for us to heal and move forward and know you will never have to experience an abusive, agonising relationship ever again?

It certainly is not.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse allows you to move out of powerlessness and into a new perspective where you recognise that you are in control of your life. You have the power to create a life that contributes to your happiness and say ‘no’ to anyone or anything that doesn’t. But in order to do this you must recognise the following…

All of the relationships we have in life are exposing us to our own unhealed parts.  At first that could seem like a bitter pill to swallow, it could seem like somehow you are accepting blame for what happened to you by embracing this theory.

If you look deeper you will understand a vital truth of life, which is: If I had something to do with this, then I have the power to change it. Whereas if you believe you have nothing to do with it, then you have no power to change it, let alone create a life where it could never happen to you again.

That is horribly disempowering…


We Attract What We Need to Heal

Like attracts like, but that certainly does not mean you are a narcissist. What it does mean is that anything you have not healed, that you are not aligned on – such as fear of abandonment, criticism or abuse, or you have confusion on ‘what is real’ or ‘what can I trust’, are powerful emotional vibrational attracters to receive more of this from life.

These negative belief systems / emotions are not the way our True Self wants to live. They are not the pure state of who you really are, and because of this, your soul will keep dragging them into your experience, and make them hurt until you liberate, heal them and change your belief systems.

The narcissist is a ‘catalyst’; the narcissist is a ‘vehicle’ to show up our unhealed parts in fully blown technicolour. Up until this point, we have been able to get on with life, we have been able to function despite the pain, disappointment and setbacks – yet this time as a result of narcissistic abuse, the pain and the horror was so significant that we simply could not pick ourself up off the floor, dust off and keep moving.

Originally this feels like total devastation, destruction and helplessness. It seems our entire life is shattered and any faith we had in life and ourself was crushed forever.

Is that a bad thing?

When you understand what is really going on you realise that it isn’t.

You realise that finally you have been brought to a point where you can no longer ignore your unhealed parts because the pain is too immense to do so.


The Shift From Outer to Inner

You realise that no longer can you continue to get by, by putting your focus on the outside world and gaining things outside of yourself in order to feel whole, such as the gratification of people approving and loving you, or gaining material possessions.

In order to get through this and heal, you need to put your focus on the inner you, and you have to do the work on your being.

The problem is when you are stuck in the illusion that your identity is based on achievements, things and other people – you didn’t learn to accept and love yourself for just being you.

When you are narcissistically abused, everything suffers, everything crumbles and you look around at the shattered mess. Almost everything you thought ‘is my life’ is most likely gone.

You are left just with you.

Your are left in a frightful state, such a frightful state that no matter what you grab to try to fix your state from the outside, you don’t have the sanity, energy or the drive to make it work. It gives you no peace. No happiness or fulfilment comes, and nothing seems to work.

You are left with yourself with no outer relief.

The purpose in all of this, is for you to come face to face with establishing your True Self (if you are new to the blog my definition of True Self means being aligned and living the way our soul intended us to) and you start to realise the deepest spiritual and soul lesson of all – and that is ‘There is only you’.

This is certainly not the grandiose false version that the narcissist upholds, that it is all about him or herself, rather this is in the authentic version of self-creation – which is I am the centre, the director and the creator of my entire life experience.

This truth sets us free because we can finally embrace the purpose of the narcissist, that this person was in fact attracted into our experience as the perfect match to make conscious what fears, pain and confusion we needed to square up within ourself.

And if we didn’t experience this, we may never have been able to create the authentic life that our soul always wanted to live.


Victimhood or the Gift

There are two ways to view narcissistic abuse, and that is from the victim perspective – which is ‘Someone did this to me, my life is ruined because of that, and I will never, ever recover because of what happened’, or from the mindful and empowered perspective ‘This was meant to happen in my life. My soul drew this experience to me to finally heal and create myself as an authentic self, and walk forward into creating my life authentically without pain, confusion and fear.’

The life with the narcissist was never meant to work, it was meant to wake you up and heal you.

As you know the narcissist is not real, the life of glamour, hypocrisy and hubris is not real, and your existence in this false life was not peaceful, fulfilling or solid. It was an emotional, physical, spiritual and often financial ‘house of cards’ that was drowning in quicksand and ripping you apart on broken glass.

Authentic realities are not like that.

The goal of all of this is to be healed enough to create a life, like what you thought it would be with the narcissist, but this time at a real, authentic level.

Then you can have the love, the achievements and the fulfilment as a supportive, safe, durable and solid reality.

The truth is you might not have got to that level if the narcissist hadn’t presented in your life. He or she was a necessary stepping stone to your more empowered graduation.

The illusion is, if we could just change the narcissist’s nasty and destructive ways that the dream of this ‘real’ life could be with him or her.

But if we stay stuck in this, we truly are missing the point and the healing opportunity – which is I am the creator of my reality, and it’s not someone else’s job.

When we understand that no-one is responsible for our fulfilment, safety and wellbeing other than ourself, we start rejecting anything and anyone who is not that truth or match, because we are empowered enough to know that we create reality by being aligned, and we have all of the resources and possibilities of life to call forth the match of our reality.

The incredible gift of creating the new us – the real us, is we get to let go of the illusions of life which have made us precariously attached to external situations and people, and we begin to feel genuinely comfortable on the inside.


Shifting From Limited to Unlimited

We previously believed that we are limited, small, dependent, and that we don’t have enough self-value or self-worth to say ‘no’. We didn’t know that we don’t actually lose by letting go, or that when we shut one door we allow the true and the real ones to open in their place.

We believed that if we didn’t hang on, fix, and make it work that we may never have a similar opportunity again.

We believed ‘I’m too old, I’m not smart enough, I’m not attractive enough’ or we believed ‘All the good ones are gone’ or we thought ‘Where am I going to meet the right person?’, or ‘How could real love happen for me?’…or ‘I know of people that have been single and lonely for 10 years I don’t want this to happen to me’….as well as countless other limiting beliefs that held us back.

In short we believed all the limiting fears about ourself and life that are not in alignment with creating what it is that we really want to experience.

Our focus has been on ‘Why Not’ instead of ‘Why YES!’

We were not taught about the creative power from within.

We are subject to our past history, other people’s versions, or what our parent’s did – if we choose to limit ourself by hanging on to these limiting beliefs…

Not enough has been taught about letting go of these beliefs and then purposefully choosing the beliefs that do serve us, in order to create our outer experience from an inner power.

Narcissistic abuse has allowed us to realise that when we change these beliefs within ourself that powerfully our outer world will follow.

Then and only then do we STOP keeping ourselves limited and small by hanging on to and putting up with second best, let alone abusive, disempowering situations which are destroying us.

We also don’t keep hanging on to the pain, the obsession, the resentment and the regrets.

We realise that narcissistic abuse was in fact a spectacular gift in order to finally realise, embrace and release what hadn’t been working within ourselves, in order to become the conscious co-creator with life that we were always meant to be.

Have you recognised the gift of narcissistic abuse? What does it feel like to you?

Or if you are still in the early stage of recovery can you now see the goal you are aiming for?

Please let me know in the comments.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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73 Thoughts on Narcissistic Abuse Is The Greatest Opportunity To Create The New You
  • Kellie
    July 28, 2012

    Melanie, you write so beautifully. It is a true gift. I believe thanks to you, I am at the stage of feeling grateful. I am feeling empowered and I’m feeling glad that I got here. I understand that all the twists and turns were worthwhile. There were times that I was so dark, lost, helpless and powerless that I didn’t know how I was going to live like this forever. Finding your material, the NARC recovery program and doing the healings saved my life.
    I am just about to get my kids back in my custody after 4 years of a living nightmare. I did the one on one healing with you before the court case started and I kept repeating to myself ‘truth and integrity’ will prevail and it has.
    In my final affidavit to the court I have asked the court to recognise NPD. With the guidance of my solicitor I have cited research and articles (including yours) that outline the criteria for NPD diagnosis. I have given evidence under every criteria. I don’t know if the courts will admit or dismiss my evidence. But I want it documented. That way, if he ever tries to ‘punish’ me, I have full protection.
    The thing I realise is that he is so driven by image, he knows he can’t get supply from me ever again that he will either disappear from our lives completely or go into full narc injury and end his life.
    That is the consequence that I can’t take responsibility for any longer. I am not a victim, my children are not victims and either way, we are free and they will heal because of all you have shown me.
    Thank you Melanie. You are a true angel. X

    • Lori
      July 28, 2012

      From most of what I have read regarding NPD, it doesn’t seem likely for them to take their own life. I wouldn’t worry too much about that. NPD’s are so self centered and probably fear death more than anyone because they have to know on some level that they will face their True Self when they die and the idea of that is hell for them. Even if they are do not believe in God or profess to hate God, there is always a part of them that isn’t sure enough about afterlife to take their own. Besides, it’s much easier for them to just find another victim to suck dry–much more fulfilling to them too.

      • Melanie
        July 30, 2012

        Hi Lori,

        yes it is true that is rare for a NPD to suicide, generally some other mental illness or extreme substance abuse needs to be playing out for that to happen. Yes the over-energised ego is terrified about annihilation!

        Mel xo

    • Eileen
      July 29, 2012

      You write so beautiful as well, Kellie, as you’ve inspired me to stop the spinning and focus on stabilizing in a positive mind set. If you can do it in your difficult circumstances, so can I. I was worried when you mentioned “punish” because I’ve just filed for divorce. But fear is not my friend. I know that! It’s nice to be complimented on my courage after 40 years of misguided covering up and excusing bad behavior. I join you in thanking Melanie. Every time I start to weaken and think I’m entirely reponsible for the problems of the past, Melanie send an email that makes me aware of the truth I haven’t been able or willing to look at (on my own). How grateful I am for the support found at this site!

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Kellie,

      thank you for your lovely compliment!

      I am so happy that you found the shifts and ‘became’ at an inner level what you wanted as a result – because as you do, I know and live how much that does work…The outer follows the inner – always…
      Fantastic that you are truly become a free and empowered being!


      Mel xo

  • Kate
    July 28, 2012

    Hi Mel,

    Recently I have been, listening to your radio program specifically How and why we become Narcs(REPEATEDLY). This program I feel has so much more to offer, than the title represents.True self as is often said by you, is beginning to manifest in my LIFE.
    Yes I’m tied of fighting for others to be better or accountable people, to have integrity and honesty.
    Some environments are plain toxic,having belately realized I can’t change others or cultures, and consciously know it, but couldn’t help my compulsion to force accountability or mirror behaviour so as to make it blatenly clear, that this is you.
    Anyway I had a moment the other day, I thought and felt, that I deserve better than this, and that shift felt so compelling to propel me out of a toxic environment. The motivation to take control, stop looking for outside validation and perseptions of others is making feel so much better.
    Time to feel whole,secure in myself and who I truely am,time to walk my path, place boundries and reinforce them.
    I have also came to realize that my anger and defensiveness have been, processors I’ve viewed outside myself, feeling victimised and vulnerable to the outside world and the behaviour of others, but in fact I’ve been angry at myself for not having strong enough boundries, over compensating for my denial of feeling vulnerable to these thoughts and feelings.

    Thanks Mel.

    • Lori
      July 28, 2012

      I did the no boundary thing for too long also and I did try to have boundaries at some points along the way but I was always the weaker one. The only boundary that can work in my situation is NO CONTACT. Any other way and I just get sucked back into the cycle of sickness. No contact is much easier said than done, but it is possible, even if you don’t succeed the first time or 20th time. Eventually, like the article says, you realize things (the hard way, of course) about the situation that makes no contact doable—not necessarily easy—but doable.

      • Kate
        July 28, 2012

        Hi Lori,
        I;ve been no contact for six months, but much like the radio show I wrote about my high level co dependence, compelled me to want to change others, be judgemental etc.This was not from my nar just relationship, but shame from my mother, and desparately wanting to clean her up and make her decent. Her shame embedded her identity onto me, tained my sense of self,
        I just can’t be bothered anymore. Although I I’ve been such a fighter most my life,I’m only fighting my representation of my mothers prjoction denail and unacountabilty onto me.
        Getting there

        • Melanie
          July 30, 2012

          Hi Kate,

          great realisations and answers, and I know the ‘getting there’ will be focusing on healing these deep wounds – you are totally on the right path!

          Mel xo

      • Kate
        July 28, 2012

        Hi Lori,
        It’s just not about others anymore for me, I’ve researched, have successfully implimented no contact,in my relationship and family,and now are on the way of finding my true self.
        I’m studying my motives, behaviour,my self talk, and trying so hard not to be affected by my families inherited reality for me.
        It is a big effort and at times all consuming, but I’m worth it.
        We all are.
        Lots of love and enpowerment to u.

      • Melanie
        July 30, 2012

        Hi Lori,

        yes so correct – NC is the only true boundary!! Because narcs will always find a way over, around, under or crashing through any other boundary attempt!

        Mel xo

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Kate,

      thank you for sharing and it wonderful that you are letting go of the urge to change others in order to feel safe…

      This was a huge one for me that I had to shift as well, and truly it wasn’t until I got to the bottom of my anxieties and fears that were driving this that I was able to let go, allow others to ‘be’ and then choose whether or not I wanted to participate – before than I believed I had to change other people in order to survive!

      Awesome self realisations Kate you are having that truly are setting you free.

      Great job!

      Mel xo

    • Jeri
      October 17, 2012

      Kate, That is exactly where my abuse and lifelong pain originated – my mother. And then I kept attracting narcissistic relationships. I wish I had gone NO CONTACT years ago. But tho I knew something was horribly wrong all my life. Until Melanie created this great site in a context and content that was so relatable, I kept feeling somehow responsible. I wish this could have come much earlier and saved me from a shredded and broken. But I know I will NEVER go back and I will gauge me heaing by what I attract into my life. I am praying for discernment – our gift from the holy spirit if we just ask. God will give you the insight that we have lost touch with. Remember a narc will feel comfortable – because they are familiar – that word derived from ‘family’ so beware and watch your radar get stronger.

  • Rose
    July 28, 2012

    This was so wonderfully put. Everything clicked when I saw my relationship for what it really was. I was able to accept my part in the relationship. I thanked God for His mercy and began putting the pieces of my puzzled life back together. I had to address child sexual abuse. My constant desire to please my father who lacked affection. My N came into my life as a teenager. I was searching for love and working in an environment that housed these predators. He was 18 years older and saw the perfect prey. I worshiped him. Made excuses for his weaknesses. On and off for 20 years was a merry go round of all sorts of unacceptable behavior. When I knew I had moved past allowing myself to be supply was when he needed something and I didn’t want to deal with the drama and I actually wanted to get something for myself. I don’t think I would have ever gotten answers to the things in my life that hindered my spiritual growth had I not been placed in such a heartbroken and desperate state. All things worked for the good because I saw the truth and the truth set me free. That would not have been the case if I would have kept dancing with the devil. I praise God everyday for his mercy and grace and the avenue he has used to bring out the best for my life.

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Rose,

      congratulations on recognising the deeper patterns…

      Your level of honesty and self-realisation is inspirational and truly I am not surprised that you are healing, growing and grateful for having the opportunity to recognise and heal what you have needed to…

      I just pray that others take your lead…because the level you are at is the true path to healing.

      Mel xo

  • Luann
    July 28, 2012

    “The truth is you might not have got to that level if the narcissist hadn’t presented in your life. He or she was a necessary stepping stone to your more empowered graduation.”

    The quote above is what I have been thinking for quite a while and I find myself thinking it much more often now. At the point of actually FEELING this at the same time of THINKING it is a whole new thing. I am starting to feel like there is the possibility of feeling like a whole person, all by myself.

    I catch myself though, in moments of searing pain, thinking and feeling like I never met him. But then I remember, I attracted him and vice versa because the emotional level of each of us was equal.

    There is a mix of feelings here. I appreciate the wake up call. I knew I had issues and I thought I had worked them out much more than I really had. He showed me that I had lots more work to do.

    And again, this gets tricky. Resentment comes into play here. Although I am now responsible for myself I get angry at my parents for messing up so badly. I even get sad about the fact that he’s the way he is because of HIS parents. Not because if all the parents had been different he and I could be together (although it certainly is possible) but it’s just this sadness for the children we were who had to grow up that way.

    Anyway, yes, I am trying and it can be tricky to stay with the feeling of “Now that I know, I can take responsibility and DO things to change me life.

    I was already empty inside before him, it’s why I sought him out in the first place. He’s an ex from way back so I went back for the same thinking we had both grown and learned from life. Haha…Um nope. So I guess this was necessary.

    Oh and also as far as things like this needing to happen…and the growth needed and lessons needing to be learned is the reason it happened, I look at it differently and the other way around.

    The fact that it happened is the result of what is present on the inside emotionally. If I had been healthy in the first place a man like that would not have been able to get that close to me…this rather than the universe sending a message to teach me something. That being said however, it CAN be used as an opportunity to do exactly that. The universe is neutral. It’s just giving me what I had subconsciously asked for…what was programmed within.

    Wow! Great article. Thanks for the insight into myself. The fact that all this DID happen however sent me in your direction, and that I do see as a blessing. There’s gifts in everything, if you look hard enough. The trick is to be proactive and empower the self. Something I’m certainly still working on. It can be hard to stay with the difficult feelings and not do something to escape them. But if processed they can teach us a lot.

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Luann,

      I totally relate into thinking I had completed the work I needed to before the narc presented in my life, and then realising later down the track – when I truly started recovering – that my experience with him had taken it to a REAL level, one that I had not accessed before…

      Initially this was ‘Oh no – and despair’ until I realised how imperative and liberating it really was.

      It’s great that you are looking within – and truly if we do keep avoiding the feelings and disempowering beliefs and pain and resentment with distractions they just stay lodged, will erupt from time to time – and MOST importantly keep attracting unconsciously ‘more of that’ – which means more disempowering situations and people, more pain and more things to resent.

      An interesting thing happens when we go within and embrace what we need to heal. We actually turn self-judgement and fear into self-fascination and excitement. We start feeling the relief and see the light at the end of the tunnel – and we start feeling stronger, happier and we get well.

      I urge everyone to realise that when we come home to our broken parts with the intention of turning them into healed parts. It feels like receiving the cuddle, love and validation we have wanted more than anything – which is to authentically receive it from ourself…

      And when we do that – THEN all of life starts to follow – because we only ever create ‘more of ourself’.

      Keep up the great work Luann, and get excited about making your inner healing your greatest mission – and then you will fast track getting out of the pain and fear beyond description.

      Mel xo

    • Jeri
      October 17, 2012

      Luann I so empathize! I hate it that I allowed this to happen. That over and over I attracted this. But spending many many hours researching this online has educated me and made me face my past and what happened and the feelings head on. SO painful. Abuse changes who you are and makes it hard to reach your potential in useng your God given gifts. I just hope my story helps someone in their life. The sooner you can mentor a young person the more hope they have in changing these patterns.

  • Luann
    July 28, 2012

    Oops, I meant to say that I find myself in moments of searing pain WISHING I had never met him. Sorry.

  • Matt Carroll
    July 28, 2012

    I never do this but now I must respond to your excellent article. After decades of abuse and mind control I have come to realize that it is true. My exwife has been my greatest teacher. I have 3 beautiful daughters ages 16 12 and 9 and have been divorced for 6 years. I have grown so much emotionally but my ex has always just changes her tactics as I have stood up to her abuse. In your experience, will she ever stop trying to manipulate me ? Or Stop taking me to court? Love, Matt

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Matt,

      Thank you for your share – and I love hearing that you have seen her as ‘my greatest teacher’ because that is a testament to the level of evolution you have reached!

      In regard to her manipulation and continuing taking you to court – truly when you evolve to the level of having no charge on this and your beliefs are no longer a match to her abuse in any shape or form, she will no longer be able to operate out of integrity in your experience – her tactics will need to be directed elsewhere.

      Matt if you ever want vibrational help to achieve this shift please contact me and we could organise a healing to transform this…it does work!

      Mel xo

  • Peggy
    July 28, 2012

    No words could ever adequately express what you have done for my soul. For weeks after I asked my narcissist to leave, I was lost and alone even when people were around. I was worried about myself and wondered if I would ever be okay. Every cell in my body hurt, and when I read about it, I understood i had to stop feeling like a victim, and healing began.

    Occasionally having things back the way they were still seems better than how I am feeling at the time, but when i start thinking maybe it was just me, i have my list to read and I know it was him, and that i can never go back. He is a covert and not communicating and withholding what he knows I need has always been his specialty while appearing to be a caring partner it really made me crazy. Thanks to everything you have taught me about narcissistic abuse and how to do no contact, he is losing his power and shrinking like the evil witch on the Wizard of Oz :-).
    You are awesome, Melanie! xo

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Peggy,

      you are very welcome, and I am so pleased my information is bringing you relief and healing.

      Keep up the great work, and remember when anything does come up for you – relate it back to self, and ask yourself ‘What is familiar about this?”

      In others words look into the pattern within your life, and then realise what it is within yourself that you need to claim, transform and heal. If you do this you will keep walking forward.

      Keep it up!

      Mel xo

  • Jane
    July 28, 2012

    Hello Melanie,
    Your website has helped me detatch from my Narc ex partner. I researched for three years and this is the first time I have had all the information come together in one place and real strategies for healing. I am realising and starting to live the gift of being my true self. Thank you.

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Jane,

      I am so glad that information has helped you detach and get the answers you need…

      Yay to becoming your True Self!

      Bless :)

      Mel xo

  • Luci
    July 28, 2012

    Hi Mel,

    I loved reading your article, and it mirrors what I have started waking up to in my own reality, so it’s interesting timing.

    I feel like I am getting closer to not ever attracting these types of people into my world again, after a recent incident with a narcissist boss, who has attacked me and maliciously spread gossip and accused me of violently attacking her, when no such thing happened. She has started a smear campaign against me, but I feel like I am accelerating in my healing, and embracing the notion that they have all been great teachers. Often the really mean, unpleasant ones are the best teachers, and the most learning takes place in the dark places of ourselves…so I’m grateful for that, but also looking forward to not having to deal with them again.

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Lucy,

      I’m really glad the article resonated with you.

      That is wonderful that you are realising that the narcissists in your life are exposing your unhealed parts to create moving out of the fear of disapproval and the fear of rejection so that you can fully honour yourself.

      Truly Luci, you will know when you are fully healed because you will actually look forward to having to deal with a narc…

      I want you think about my last paragraph deeply and I believe you will understand what I mean.

      It’s like the proverb – when you no longer have any fear of walking under ladders there will be no longer be any ladders in your path…

      Mel xo

  • Terese
    July 28, 2012

    Hi Melanie, nice article–thanks

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Terese,

      thank you and you are very welcome!

      Mel xo

  • kenn D Main
    July 28, 2012

    yes again i believe you have the essence of this . I am sure you have lived my life its un canny , this is exactley what im experiencing.I have found me . and i feel so sad that i now accept that my ex can never be cured. Unless in a miracle she finds her way. pray for our ex narcasists only devine intervention will save them,

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Kenn,

      Yes there are so many of who have lived this life – it is uncanny how so many elements of narcissistic abuse are so consistent!

      Truly, do release the sadness, into acceptance. Your ex narc will go home to herself – every soul does – eventually. It may just not be in this lifetime, and no matter how it looks – everything is in perfect and divine order.

      And like all narcs she is walking the planet granting the incredible opportunity for individuals to find and create their True Self.

      For every negative action there is a corresponding positive outcome equal to the force of that action – and that truly is the gift.

      Mel xo

  • Rhonda
    July 29, 2012

    I met my husband at 15 1/2–37 years later and a life time of hell I am FREE. Once i had my answers as to WHY he does the Cruel things he does (he scored a 39 out of 41 on the NARC sheet my therapist gave me) I am divorcing him–I have NO CONTACT with him other than court. He is TRYING to make this divorce a nightmare but I am not feeding into it. I am healing and moving forward with the help of a great therapist toward my future WITHOUT him!

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Rhonda,

      that is fantastic…

      All the best in claiming your true and real life!

      Mel xo

  • kathleen
    July 29, 2012

    I am so happy I found this information. I am a licensed professional counselor who is divorcing a narcissist . I also dated one after our separation. As a counselor, I am in tune with myself and introspective however, apparently am attracted.. or a target for narcissists. My boyfriend seemed so different.. he was smarter, more successful and funnier. fell hard in the beginning because he was so affectionate, complementary and fascinating. He also.. had all the insecurities, and need for constant attention. He asked me to meet him at a bar on a night that I told him I had my children. So, rather than just hanging out or going home.. he called an ex girlfriend who was still “into him’ and asked her to meet him. She drove two hours to meet him that night. he left me at a bar after saying I was flirting with the bartender. he sent me flowers on valentines day and then I couldn’t get a hold of him for 24 hours ( he was out of town). He never got off the dating sight we met on.. ever. This is only the tip of the iceberg. He had all the makings of a classic narcissist . I broke up with him twice and even went back to him a couple of times. All the time knowing how destructive he was but it was like I was addicted to him. He was fairly attractive but not real handsome.. he was fairly successful (but not anything fantastic) And after looking back.. he couldn’t keep a job for very long. He was a nightmare. I finally escaped mostly because I could not be embarrassed by his outrageous behavior.. Near the end he asked me.. and his ex girlfriend to get married.. all within a 24 hour period. I finally broke free after repeated attempts by him to reconciliation. I am still suffering through a horrible divorce with my narcissistic ex husband whose litigation is incessant. At the end of the relationship he threw me across the kitchen and ruptured two of my vertebrae. I am recovering from neck surgery and still seem to be on the defensive in this divorce. its amazing. He doesn’t even acknowledge what all he has done. I am so happy now, an am in a healthy relationship with a loving man, who is honest and not a cheater.. he affectionate and real and it feels amazing. I will never again be fooled and ignore or hang in trying to correct or heal others wounded soul. Thank you for all your help. I have given your info to people who i am counseling who also are recovering from this traumatic relationship.

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Kathleen,

      Thank you for you post and sharing, and I am so pleased that my information is helping grant you answers.

      Yes definitely from the deeper perspective it is all about recognising our deep wounds, fears and patterns and how these play out incredibly with narcissists.

      It’s so wonderful you have discovered how to break free, and thank you so much for recommending my information.


      Mel xo

  • Melinda
    July 29, 2012

    It’s great to read this, because more and more I am feeling this on a solid level within myself and I likeit.Ican much mor easily identity when someone is not truly aligned with “my life” and the gift in that is that I have more to focus on and continue to evolve within myself and I work on doing that. I can finally see the bigger picture unfolding for me and that is exciting. I am loving (most of the time) be a “free” woman and having the time to work on my self and my life and get it solid from the ground up. So pleased to have your comments and work help guide in this way. many thanks

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Melinda,

      it is lovely to read that you have reached this level of self-awareness. It truly is exciting when you can sense what you are creating and start feeling the reality of it before it physically shows up – this is what true empowered manifestation is all about – and to reach that level we really do have to clear the junk, the fears that get in the way – and you must have done this to feel these feelings. Great job!

      Keep working on yourself!

      Mel xo

  • Amy
    July 29, 2012

    A few weeks ago my Narc and I broke up and I was devastated. While we were apart he called me to tell me he was going to commit suicide. I talked him out of it and had such a human conversation with him that I thought I finally reached him and that we could reestablish our relationship on a new level and get back together. However 2weeks after that he met another girl, moved in with her after their first date, and got engaged to her 2 1/2 weeks later. Tomorrow it will be two weeks since they got engaged so I’m expecting them to get married any day now.

    We went out for 6 months. We were constantly fighting. I am an incredibly independent woman, successful, beautiful, intelligent, spiritual, and incredibly self-aware. We fought so much because I refused to do what he wanted and challenged him. Yes, there would be times when I would give in to him to shut him up, but I was very rebellious with him. I wouldn’t let him stay with me for prolonged periods of time, called him out on his lies, and refused to do things for him all the time.

    I knew he was a Narc, but I never really knew what that meant. I just thought he was broken and that with enough love, kindness and modeling appropriate behavior I could get him to change. I came across this website after I found out he was engaged and discovered he is a CLASSIC Narcissist. What everyone is documenting about their relationships I went through with him in the 6 short months we were together. I now see that it wasn’t my fault, that I couldn’t have done anything differently, and that above all – I was not special.

    I have been tormenting myself trying to figure out why he came into my life. I had no need for this guy. I really have my life together, have a happy loving relationship with my family, great girl and guy friends, I don’t want for anything materially, can afford to take vacations when I want, and am very healthy emotionally, mentally and physically. My only downfall is that I am a very loving, kind, generous and empathetic person. I have been blessed in my live and I am very willing to share my blessings with others. Is that what did it??? I didn’t need to be treated like this by such a scumbag. I was way kinder to him than he deserved. I really need to figure this out so that I don’t get anymore of these jokers in my life. I’m afraid that now I will label everyone as a potential narc and will be afraid to get close to anyone again.

    • beth
      July 30, 2012

      Amy, I applaud your strength to see the signs and listen. Unlike you, I saw the signs and ignored them against better judgement. 2 years of on again off again and then 6 months of marriage thinking marriage would make things better. I haven’t spoken to him in 2 weeks and the divorce will be final in another two. Im scared to death to see him. Afraid of what to say or what not to say. Kinda the same fears I had in our relationship.its pitiful. Be glad u were strong enough to take action. The spiraling feeling is aweful. Melanie, I am so grateful for your messages and all the posts. Its nice to know we are not alone and not the crazy ones.

    • Maddie
      July 30, 2012

      Amy, thank you so much for sharing! I am now getting out of a 23 year relationship with my NARC. In the beginning, I saw the signs, but thought with much love and caring, we could get through and grow together in love. No, No, No, The more I gave, the more he took and the more he expected. When I could not give anymore and I started to question his actions was when he demanded that I must change the way he wanted me to or he would leave me. At that point, I told him that I would not change for him, because I liked who I was, faults and all and that he would have to accept me for who I was. Now I am in a divorce battle. He now is engaged to another woman, despite us not being divorced yet and he has relocated his new love and her family to our state. I just need to get out of this relationship now! Unfortunately, we have three children and I will still have to be in contact with him, Ugh!

      • Melanie
        July 30, 2012

        Hi Maddie,

        it is so good that you now no longer try to adapt you to another person who is not a match for authentic love…

        This is wonderful growth.

        You can take this a step closer to really claim and develop the gift to you, by aligning your beliefs and emotions to get out of fear and walk truth, and by doing so you will create the best possible outcome for you and your children.

        I wish you all the best in achieving this.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Amy,

      I am really glad that you posted what you have for a variety of reasons – the biggest because there are so many people that get involved with narcs who are independent, intelligent, resourceful, spiritual etc etc who wonder – how did this happen to me?

      I too, Amy was one of these people – I too thought my life was wonderful and sorted before the narc hit me like a freight train.

      In response to that – people who are capable stay, they hang in there, they think ‘I can find a solution’ because truly in every other area of their life they most likely did. I am sure that being a capable person you could make things work, see the positives, pull out the answers and get great results in anything you chose to focus on – that was until you came face to face with the narc.

      Self-belief and wanting to help others does not always relate directly to self-worth though.

      People with big hearts who are capable often err towards ‘self-sacrifice’.

      There was a reason for him coming into your life, as there was in mine (there were many reasons for me), but for what I can gauge from what you have written the lesson was teaching you of the power of your inner creations, rather than creating your inner state as a result of controlling your outer world – even if that was through being loving. To accept that healing and fixing others is never your job, unless these people come to you with the full recognition and commitment to themself that he or she wants to and needs to heal.

      It is never for us to decide it’s up to us to change people against their will in order to make us fulfilled and happy.

      Your path is the path of the healer – undoubtedly – but you needed to discover WHAT that really means…and a true healer knows that ever soul is doing their journey, their own way, and its all in divine and perfect order, and it is not for us to try to control and influence that before the time is right.

      We also needed to learn that we are unlimited beings and it is never about clinging onto someone that causes us to live outside our reality when we have all of life (as an extension of ourself) to play and create with.

      The more spiritual a person is who has not yet claimed their true power and light, needs to understand this, and the lesson may need to hit very hard, to show up where we are limiting ourself with fears and insecurities, so that we can heal, let go and claim our true expansive creator energy.

      Amy I hope this helps and your narc experience truly can catapult you to the next level of claiming Who You Really Are.

      Mel xo

  • Lauren
    July 30, 2012

    I just want to say thank you. To Mel whose blogs are so insightful and always seem to present exactly when I need to visit or revisit that lesson. And to everyone else who share their experiences, thoughts, and feelings b/c by doing so you give strength to all of us who are on our journey in healing and self-growth from our NPD experience.

    • Melanie
      July 30, 2012

      Hi Lauren,

      thank you for sharing your lovely message of gratitude and inspiration with this incredible and loving community…

      Bless you :)

      Mel xo

  • fav
    July 30, 2012

    Hi all,
    am so glad i read this melani blog.its a good guide for all going to narc abuse.i have been in this relationship with a classic african narc and i had to beg God to give me inner strenght to leave even just after i had by 4th baby with baby was 4 month and i had a 1year and 2 under 8year old kids too.and with a csection and needing to take kids to school daily.But i had to pull my strenght from where i dont know and allowed the seperation and filled for divorce now.
    i must say am a happier person and its only 7months but its a thing that has to happen.
    Now am gratfull it happened and all the narc abuse is helping me to be a better person and know why i have to say no to anything that compromises my peace.i have also realised that until we come out of the abusive relationship and get to know that it was a blessing in disguise we will continue to attract the same kind of abusive people and the wheel becomes ongoing.
    its alot of hard work to care for all my kid and now i have decided to go to work full time,but its my life and i can make great things come out of it.i can take charge witjout expecting or wanting anyone to mess me about.and am most happy because my kids saw some of the behaviour intheir narc das and i promised myself the will not see it they are able to talk to me openly and identify the differences in behaviour and also they can tell that what their dad behaviour is .
    am happy li took hold of my life now.And i want to say change is not easy or always comfortable especially when you have kids with a narc….but if you are still in there please take a good chance on YOU and spend the remaining part of Your life with regular genuine laughter that is only possible without your narc partner.You are also helping your children to make life on a better path.otherwise the longer you stay the more chances of allowing remoulding yyour own children into the beast..narc..that have since tormented you….a word is enough for a wise one.enjoy

    • Melanie
      August 1, 2012

      Hi Fav,

      your courage, strength and attitude is truly inspirational…

      Keep up your faith for yourself and your babies, because only great things can come from that…

      Mel xo

  • Izzy
    July 31, 2012

    Oh bugger after reading your NC ebook, I fell back this morning…lol he called and I thought yes I can handle this but no I couldnt and now only hours later I am so mad at myself… and in despair that this man that I have loved for so long really is evil….and worse still the longing to make things work, when I know it can’t…oh well back to NC…he is far stronger than me… and to reread my ebook…xx

    • Melanie
      August 1, 2012

      Hi Izzy,

      please don’t beat yourself up for breaking No Contact, as nearly everyone does several times, until we finally ‘get it’.

      Rather than wasting energy on being disappointed with yourself direct it towards feeling into what the ‘hooks’ are that have been keeping you in the game, and direct your energy at healing and resolving them within yourself..

      That is your path to healing and breaking free.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Greg
    August 1, 2012

    I have read and retread you materials, Tonia, especially when I am tempted to make contact. It seems I have to go back thru looking st and remembering (not reliving) the hurt of unfulfillment so to empower myself to not make contact. I found your physiological explanation on brain and pain fascinating. But I wonder if you could speak more on why, when I look at No Contact, that I feel I am making the mistake by not wanting to talk things through or try and work things out. Why do I think I am wrong about not making contact and that I’m the one that’s wrong…not her. That’s when I need your material as a check list. Does it ever get easier? I’m the one who feels unloving. Not unloved, but unloving.

    • Melanie
      August 1, 2012

      Hi Greg,

      thank you for your post.

      Yes it can and does get easier, and this occurs when we feel into and ask ourself ‘why’ we have our particular ‘blind spots’.

      Yours seems to be a sense of obligation and responsibility to your own self-detriment, which if you really go into your patterns (we all have patterns) has been playing out in your life even previous to the narc…

      This is what is playing out for you, and why it is feeling ‘painful’ to let go. This means you need to heal the false belief systems regarding these issues.
      When you do this, you will not feel attached…and you will be able to let go.

      Your solutions are the NARP Program, one-on-one healings with me or find a good kinesiologist who can work on deep karmic patterns…(a powerful kinesiologist knows what this means), and then get these issues addressed at the deeper levels.

      They will have childhood roots and are a part of your inner identity that is not serving you.

      I hope this makes sense.

      Mel xo

  • kellym
    August 2, 2012

    Hi all,

    Once again this articale has been most helpful for me an MY recovery. It has been 3 months now with NO CONTACT- it actually feels ok at the moment- time has really helped me to sit with my self and work through some emotional issues i have- either my childhood traumas or the legacy left from the past relationship with the narc.
    I never thought it would be possible to escape that massive hole (void) i was carrying around, thinking my life is nothing without him- or my dreams seem less important- it took me help from good people and lots of crying and healing to get where i am. My fear which is with me daily though is, ‘what if he contacts me’ i do not think i am at all confident enough to deal with that at the moment. Ideally i would love to not answer any calls or texts from him but realistically i would be lying if i said i could do that.
    i have thought of many scenarios like, hanging up, having a normal conversation and detatching emotionally but this i know will not work. I just hope i can get to a place where i can control my fears and be at a place where he no longer has that control over my emotions.
    I still cry sometimes, not all the time, but some. i cry mostly for me though, which can only be a positive.
    I have really been focusing on me and my dreams an goals, long may it continue.
    Thanks again for your help mel.

    kelly x

    • Melanie
      August 2, 2012

      Hi Kelly,

      you are more than welcome, and I am so pleased the articles help!

      Okay it is great that you know this vulnerability, because it is just showing you that there is more ‘stuff’ for you to clean up – and once you do you will feel even more empowered.

      My suggestion is this….go into that fear of ‘if he calls’, and feel where it is in your body. Then take you awareness right into that place and ask it ‘what is this about – why am I fearful of him calling’…and really FEEL into it. Write out the thoughts and the feelings that come up for you – and then you will know what the next part of your personal healing journey is to work on…

      But unless you go right into it, it will simply stay as ‘I’m worried he might call’, rather than getting to the truth of what is really happening that requires healing within you…

      I hope this makes sense…

      Once you do this and really connect to it, it will make perfect sense.

      Mel xo

  • Kitty
    August 2, 2012

    Hi Wonderful Women, So glad I found Melanie and this blog.

    New at recognizing the narcissist spouse, old at the marriage.

    Working towards separation – Yikes! Found out he has been seeing women all thru 35 year marriage – current is 40 years younger working at McDonalds around the corner from our family business office.

    He is denying – acting like everything is normal. I recognize the hooks are in when I pitch a fit and he acts like nothing was ever said. Have a long way to go towards getting out as children (adults) are living with us and working for the business. Can it get more complicated?

    There is more but won’t take up the space. This site is a life saver. Thank you is not enough.

    Praying for strength to extricate myself from this madness.


    • Melanie
      August 2, 2012

      Hi Kitty,

      I am so glad you are finding the answers and the strength to know what you have to do.

      The truth is virtually everyone who is with a narcissist has very ‘complicated’ attachments.

      So much of the soul lesson of learning to completely value and honour ourself often means we have to let go of outside attachments to ‘things and stuff’ and be prepared to value our soul above all else..hence the journey of moving up and out of narcissistic abuse.

      I wish you every blessing and support on this journey.

      Mel xo

  • Vanya
    August 2, 2012

    I am still in the Grieving and angry stage. Like you say Melanie, like a deck of cards, all areas of my life took a dive, plus constantly losing out to supporters of Narcissists who ripped my life apart. I find it hard to function most days. Now I don’t give a damn about other people’s expectations of me. I have to cope with being low output in every way. Depressed, unwell, unfit. Yes, still in the early stages. I admit, I do find it hard to see things the way you do.

    • kellym
      August 2, 2012

      Hi Vanya, First of all, i want to admire how quickly you have recognised that you have to sit with your emotions- however uncomfortable they are. I think you are very brave. I would say i know how you feel- but i am aware everyones grief is unique to them.
      Anger is normal- i felt angry for so long- then sad- then angry- in the end though you end up feeling nothing! Hang on in there- you really are doing well and i like how honest you are about how you feel.
      i remember finding daily tasks difficult- some days if i am honest it was like i wasnt functioning- thinking about him and what has happened- in some way i was searching for answers- blaming self- really self sabotaging me- which now i know is about my emotional responses to ‘hurt’.
      You deserve better- and i promise you believe that and you will day by day get a little stronger.

      Never Never Never give up xxx

    • Melanie
      August 2, 2012

      Hi Vanya,

      truly it is normal in the early stages to feel what you are feeling.

      My greatest suggestion to you Vanya is start looking back at your life before the narc, and really try to see how you realise there were parts of you and your life that you know weren’t aligned with true, peace, happiness and empowerment.

      And this is not about blaming ourself in any shape or form! It is simply about edging our way towards ‘acceptance’- that we are all on a soul journey to heal and evolve and everything in our life is a co-creation to help us achieve that.

      The people who do get out of the grief and pain the fastest are those who recognise, embrace and accept – this happened in my life so I could heal….

      And the reason I am stating this to you, is because this is your Number One concept to embrace as much as you can and accept in order to start moving out of the pain.

      Without embracing this concept you won’t – it is in fact an absolute impossibility – and the total ‘enemy’ if you don’t…

      Hugs, and please for yourself start embracing that ‘shift’ in perception.

      Mel xo

  • Cricket
    August 6, 2012

    I was married to a Narc for 28 yrs . We had five children together .One day, over five years ago, he left.He took two of my children with him and he flipped my world upside down.

    However, after the immense pain began to subside, I did begin to realize and be ever so grateful that he was gone. I began to see that him walking out was actually a gift from God,as I would never of been strong enough to leave him.

    I returned to school at age 50 and was able to gain employment. I continued to work on my own happiness and began to understand that while I had made mistakes in our marriage it was an impossible quest I was on and although I kept trying to fix the problems,it was not possible . This man was not capable of being in a honest relationship with me or anyone else.

    My youngest daughter just turned 18 yrs old and so now finally,any contact with my ex is not necessary. The hardest part for the last five years has been watching each one of my kids also walk through the “fire of hell” when they realize that they were manipulated and also abandoned by their dad their entire lives due to him being a NARC. I realize there is nothing I can do for them but to be there when they need comforting. They will decide at some point to have absolutely no contact with him either. Two of the five kids already have.

    Before I even began to date I made sure that I had found the peace within myself and I absolutely have refused to ever give that up for anything or anyone else again. I accepted responsibility for the mistakes I made in my marriage as well as in my life as a mother ect. Only then was I able to really move on.

    I have now been married for over two years to a great guy with no “red flags” of narcissism. My former Narc is going through his third divorce in five years. Will he ever be happy? Nope… I care or worry about him anymore ? No ! It has been a fulfilling journey of self discovery and I give thanks to God every day that he loved me enough to get my ex out of my life in anyway possible.

    Thank you Mel for your wonderful insight to help us all heal. Hugs to the many people
    who are living the hell of being involved with a NARC and to those who are trying to break free from them. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.


    • Melanie
      August 6, 2012

      Hi Cricket,

      Thank you for your amazing post of hope, empowerment, self-discovery and success.

      Truly you are helping provide much needed inspiration to many people that are faced with decades of abuse…

      Cricket in regard to your children and what can vibrationally assist them, I am doing a radio show tomorrow 7th August 2012, which you can find at this link

      I believe this show can assist you…

      Keep being love and truth!

      Mel xo

  • Barbara
    August 8, 2012

    I have felt lost for so long and been in therap for two and a half years and have never received the kind of information you are sharing. I amhealing, although slowly. I have been married for 36 years to a man that is good and a good provider but has manipulated me over the course of our marriage sexually as well as through my work choices. It has cost us a wonderful friendship with friends that he blames me for when in actuality it was the sexual side of our relationship and the concept he had early on of sharing our marriage that has actually cost us our marriage. He always pushed me toward outside relationships and I always went along with him because I was afraid of his rage. The therapy I have received has in no way compared with what I am not getting from you. I am always hopeful and waiting for the emails I receive from you. I have already left my husband twice and have gone back under the guise of him transforming. I am not back two months and realize that he will never change. He is only covering up his true self and again trying to manipulate me. I feel that my final departure is imminent. Thank you for all you amazing insights. There are so many women in need of this help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Barbara,

      You are very welcome.

      I am so glad that you are receiving the information which is really helping you now. It is good that you are seeing clearly that he isn’t changing, which means that you can now break away and work at healing your unhealed parts that have allowed him and what he represents to be your reality.

      That will then lead to your true liberation and a love reality that is no longer these patterns…

      Bless and much love on your healing journey.

      Mel xo

  • Dee
    August 15, 2012

    I have to say what you have written and shared has been far more helpful to me that some forums I initially joined, and got tired of. I do not need nor do I want to hear complaining and whining, I needed to know I had an experience that I could recover from. While I deal with this essentially alone without therapy, I have found many things have helped. I have maintained no contact for 9 months now, one thing about me is I have a strong will. BUT, and there is always a but, I have such overwhelming feelings of sadness and loss still that I hide out and try and deal. Like everyone else I thought I met THE ONE. When I started to fight back, stand up to him and disagree with his constant dissection and interpretation of me, it was over. The last time I saw him he was being rude and obnoxious (I had already tossed him out but we were seeing each other again, huge mistake on my part, he behaved so badly during those 4 months words cannot explain) I defended myself, he rudely announced he was leaving, and 3 days later blamed me for it all, denied any wrong doing including leaving, and said if only I would admit I had a problem there would be a chance for us. I did not take the bait, said very little except I wish you the best and have not turned back. And yet, he is in my head. I felt betrayed, the dating profile with MINUTES, I am assuming he has long since found someone else to use, and yet why do I think of him AT ALL. SO your books have been helpful, I am finally feeling more like myself, ready to move onto my life as it is meant to be lived. I am far too old to live in the past, worry about what was, and I think of my experience as a gift, that showed me something about myself I refused to see before.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2012

      Hi Dee,

      thank you for your post, and I am so glad my information has been able to help you.

      Yes absolutely this is an experience you can recover from – and not only ‘survive’ but ‘thrive’ as a result of what happened to you.

      It is really ‘normal’ even after NC to have these feelings.

      This is why NC on its own is not enough – it is also essential to deeply heal your unhealed parts that co-created you being in a narc relationship. This is where the true healing takes place…

      My highest recommendation is to do the deeper healing, and the Narc Abuse Recovery Program provides and facilitates your true healing at this level.

      Mel xo

  • Jane
    August 18, 2012

    Hi Melanie. As an ex Melbornian is was great to discover that so close to my second home is a truly inspirational being-you!
    My relationship status is separated 6 months after a 25 years and 3 beautiful children. I now live 15000 k’s from beautiful Melbourne. In my search for sanity, I arrived at your doorstep today. You are sooo right in your vision-I know my path to true mental health is through self introspection and taking responsibilty for all my descions.I must admit that this comes as a huge relief because I can finally take control of my life and happiness. It definately comes with a lot of work and truth-something I want to truly know and aspire to. I am curious to know what I truly need to do in order to arrive and know my true self. I so want to be healthy after realizing that my lifetime was spent reaching this point. I am thirsty with passion to know the real me and embrace the future as a healthy loving human being.
    Thankyou for your insight and honesty-its something I crave.
    I will certainly stay in touch


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2012

      Hi Jane,

      Thank you so much for your lovely comments – and yes Melbourne is a wonderful place

      That is wonderful that you do want to take responsibility, and that you do want to heal and empower yourself – because that truly is ‘key’ in order to recovery.

      Truly Jane when you access the deeper levels of healing and do the necessary shifts deep in your ‘being’ you will understand the ‘truth’ of reclaiming yourself.

      Please look into the resources that do provide healing at this level – because that is the fastest, and most direct way to do it.

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • Tracy
    August 20, 2012

    I realized that my relationship with my narc was 100% over for me when he asked me “why do you keep coming back if I am so horrible!” and my response was….”because I feel like this is my punishment for every mistake I have ever made in my life”! Once I realized i was in this relationship as a punishment to myself….I woke up! Thanks for all you do Melanie!! You are a angel!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2012

      Hi Tracy,

      you are so VERY welcome!

      Isn’t it wonderful when we can recognise, let go and heal that part (or parts) or ourself that play out ‘being abused’?!

      You are SO on to it!

      Great stuff! :)

      Mel xo

  • Jayne Doe
    August 23, 2012

    Hello Melanie,
    Ty so much for your specific & relevant info on narcs!
    There is an epidemic of dysfunctional relationships & people out there! Our society seems to promote or ignore this behavior & the mental health profession is clueless.
    I was Lucky to have a friend in narc recover astutely confirm & validate my reality & share resources such as ur extraordinary site!
    As it is a matter of life & death ( physical mental emotional & spiritual,
    I am very grateful for ur essential contribution to so many people who are suffering but can now find self love & healing!
    Love xo

  • Heartbroken
    September 14, 2012

    Thank you Melanie for your blog,

    I am the very beginning of my journey. I am find NC to be very difficult. I do not contact him, but when he contacts me, I answer. I am trying to let go of the hope that he will do anything to show me he is willing to try to change. I left the man I was sharing my life with and my 2 sweet puppies week and a half ago. He tells me he loves me. The sad truth is, for the last year of our relationship, every time I was not the perfect, worshiping girlfriend, he ran to someone that fed into his ego. In fact she was so obsessed she followed us around the neighborhood and sent me horrible texts. All that did was make is more interested in her. Of course, it also made him lie to me about it (and everything else) and turn everything around on me. He would make me feel like I was horrible to him and get horribly angry with me for doubting things even when I knew I was right. He feels justified in everything he has done because of what he calls “my attitude”(which means all of my fears due to the first time I discovered he lied to me).
    I am in the “confused, feels like I am dying, can’t think straight” phase. I feel fear that maybe I am wrong and ruined everything for no reason. Deep down, I know the things he did to me weren’t right and it isn’t all me. Wow, is it hard though. I do have to start over. I have lost everything from the last 2 1/2 years of my life. I am left with no money, no job…I mean, I even had to move in with my mother (and I am waaay too old for that). I have nothing and I am scared.
    It is nice to read your words and see people that understand exactly how I feel. It is easy to feel like you are alone and nobody could understand…..but you do. Reading this, I can see what I have to shoot for. Although, it seems so impossible….it is nice to think that I might be able to turn all this around and eventually be okay…maybe even better in the end.
    Thank you, Thank you.

  • Bill Pintens
    September 16, 2012

    After reading content from Mel and gathering strength, I broke up with Narc one week ago. I am in No Contact and feeling good about my decision. All the experiences mentioned here applies to what I have gone through. Thank you all for sharing this. I am glad I have a help

  • Julie
    October 26, 2012

    After ‘winning’ a power struggle (a mental and emotional one) with my n ex, after 15 years of marriage and endless mental cruelty, power games and rigid control I feel absolutely empowered and freed. I feel as though no-one will ever have that level of control over me again. He is still dear to me, actually, but I feel released from a prison. I have repeated the same patterns of relationship since I was seven. I am now 47 and I feel that the lights have come back on, the world is good and I have my own real, uncorruptible self and life in my own control. I feel amazing.

  • Sarah
    March 5, 2013

    I have only just had the penny drop. I have been in no contact for 3 weeks yet he is still emailing me saying I never loved him. I developed stomach cancer while we were together and the abuse got worse during my chemotherapy. I am still fearful of what he may threaten next. He carried out one threat, I guess I just have to sit and wait and find inner strength just hope my cancer disapears now he’s gone. x

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