Melanie Tonia Evans

How to Overcome The Pathological Lies Of The Narcissist And Win The Divorce, Settlement And Custody Battles

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6

One thing is certain with narcissists; when you separate from them, and still have legal, property or custody to sort out …

They will pathologically lie.

As such, you can expect fabricated stories, twisted facts and downright dirty tactics.

The narcissist is very capable of telling solicitors, police and courthouses exactly whatever lies he or she wants to, in order to try to punish you, get the upper hand and win, project blame, create smear campaigns, play the victim as if he or she has been vilified (especially when things aren’t going well for him or her), and of course disregard any personal accountability for his or her unacceptable behaviour.

When you see the blatant lies unravel under your nose, you will initially be shocked. People who enter into relationships with personality disordered individuals usually have a high level of integrity, and as such, you may feel incredibly shattered when you think, How on earth could I have ever been in a relationship with this person?

Your anguish is: How on earth does someone behave like THAT? Especially someone I was having a LOVE relationship with?

Your whole sense of moving on and forward may be pulled into the narcissistic muck – the pathological “stink,” – because your emotions feel so polluted by the unfathomable lies and acts that this person creates.

 

What Else Would You Expect?

You know you have been subjected to the ridiculous conversations where the narcissist refused to remain topical, refused to answer questions, and would bring in absurd examples and allies to thrust down your throat with all the logic of an angry five-year-old.

You know that he or she has created untruths and smear campaigns against you in the past, and continually breaks his or her word, drags up information from the past (that he or she professed to be resolved with), and is never happy to live and reside in the now without projecting inner emptiness and torment onto you and making his or her inner demons your fault.

You know this person has a capacity to lie and falsify documentation and has told you how he or she has done this in the past to try to gain the upper hand, secure a deal or manipulate a situation.

You know that this person had no respect for integrity or karma at those times, and thought they were entitled to behave like this – regardless of committing fraud, breaking the law, or how it affected the integrity of an organisation or the reputation of other individuals.

You know this person is capable of faking situations, illnesses and injuries in order to try and gain sympathy or detract from the real issues at hand.

You know this person is paranoid about being lined up and attacked, and will resort to any lengths – criminal or pathological – to “defend” themselves, “one-up” the situation, and believe that the ends justifies the means.

So truly WHY should this be a surprise?

Narcissists are a false self – and therefore don’t have a conscience when it comes to lying. Their life is a scripted illusion of the fantasy and high acclaim they like to believe they are living, which is completely different from how they truly feel about themselves on an inner level.

When the walls crumble between the illusion and the reality, the narcissist resorts to more scripted lies to try and offset his or her narcissist injury of being exposed to the world for what he or she really is – a person without real substance.

I promise you the ability to lie is a self-inbuilt survival mechanism. You see, narcissists don’t believe the truth serves them. They don’t believe they are lovable and acceptable as they are, and they carry immense shame for the way they have to operate. As such, more lies are needed to cover up the previous lies; otherwise the narcissist would have to face the truth of who they really are – and they will avoid that at all costs.

 

Realise It’s Not Personal and There Is a Gift

The narcissist’s lies are not personal – his or her lack of integrity and conscience has nothing to do with you, your life, and the creation of your truth.

What you are seeing is a gift; it is confirming to you the relief of knowing that you are getting this person out of your life. The relief of knowing there is no lost love with a person who has the ability to be a pathological liar, and this behaviour is something that decent people with mature and healthy emotional intelligence just don’t do.

Do you know why people with moral compasses don’t pathologically lie?

The answer is: because their conscience doesn’t allow them to.

Narcissists do not have that level of inner emotional equipment.

Use this experience as a blessing to have even further confirmation that the narcissist is not your reality.

You know he or she is never to be trusted again. Remember, anyone who is capable of pathological lying and operating without a conscience is never going to be a suitable love partner.

Now, it is your job to let go of any personalised feelings you are suffering due to taking on the brunt of the narcissist’s pathological lies.

I promise you it’s not your stuff – it’s the narcissist’s rubbish and sickness – not yours.

So take your focus off any pain you perceive from what the narcissist is doing – and just focus calmly on being and walking your truth. Narcissists are sloppy; they are loose cannons – they have big mouths, push their egos forth and tell outrageous lies – they simply can’t help themselves.

You see, narcissists act in horrendous ways, don’t take accountability and try to ease their pathological shame by trying to prove they are right. Of course the excuses, smear campaigns and deflections are going to be lies – because the narcissist will try to line you up and accuse you of exactly what he or she is doing.

Often they will state these lies by text or email.

Record all of them.

When you have the documents and statements and witnesses to disprove the lies, do so with police, solicitors and judges calmly and clearly.

 

How to Bring the Narcissist’s Lies to Light

In every case, of every person I have dealt with who is in combat with a narcissist’s pathology – I have seen them win easily every time when:

1) All pain, personalisation and angst regarding the narcissist’s lies are released. This allows you to shrug off the rubbish, disprove it easily and simply put forward the truth.

2) When you know it is not your job to make immature five-year-old adults with low emotional intelligence act decently, you have a clean space to simply act intelligently and rationally.

3) Record and document all of the narcissist’s behaviour and communication. Have the dates, make the relevant connections and bring these to light with authorities factually and calmly. You will find that the authorities see the truth, the patterns and the pathologies extremely easily.

4) Follow through calmly, regardless of what the narcissist throws at you, knowing you are aligned with living integrity and truth and that you are integrity and truth. Don’t worry about the outrageous allies and smear campaigns that the narcissist is trying to use against you. Know this firmly: The truth wins out – ALWAYS.

Truly, narcissistic lies are false power; they are as flimsy as the lack of reality holding them together. Truth is solid and real, and all of life supports you when you are in truth.

Darkness cannot operate within light, and when you know that and be that, you will see the narcissist’s hold crumble.

Therefore, all you have to do is stand up in solid truth and be that calmly.

If you’re not there (solid on the above 4 points), work on yourself first and don’t tackle the narcissist when taking on the pain from the muck – because if you do – he or she will win.

If you found this article helpful, please join over 20,000 people who receive weekly guidance on how to not just survive … but thrive after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which lay out the vital first steps you need to take in order to recover.

You can sign up for free here.

I would love to hear the comments from people who have detached, focused on being true to themselves, and have seen the narcissist’s false power crumble …

Your insights will be of great benefit to those individuals who still need to go through police, settlements and custody matters, and as such, your post would be a lovely and inspirational contribution.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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233 Thoughts on How to Overcome The Pathological Lies Of The Narcissist And Win The Divorce, Settlement And Custody Battles
  • Trippe
    May 18, 2012

    I detach and I feel good until I run into the N and the woman he left me and my kids for (this has happened several times). Then it all comes back. All the emotions and anger and I am at square one wondering when it will finally stop hurting…

    • Mary
      May 19, 2012

      I have the same thing happen, and I just stop and remember that she too will have to put up with his insane/abusive ways sooner or later. She will not be his last victim. And I am free of him, or on my way to being free. Yes the pain is still there, and the anger is mostly at myself for putting up with him for so long. But I am in charge of my own life, and I am a good honest person. Stay strong, take care of your body and mind. It’s only beeen 1.5 yrs for me, and I struggle every day. Good luck.

      • Moya
        September 8, 2013

        Thanks for the perspective. It has been 1.5 years for me and I needed to be reminded that my ex has not changed and I and my children are blessed to be free of his abuse.

    • juliana simons
      May 19, 2012

      Stop judging yourself against the other woman! she is there to fill the hole that he needs to feed his N personality, and know that they will not be having a good relationship, as that is not possible ever with N personality.
      My tip, notice when you start to have thoughts that don’t support you, negative thoughts,(there will be zillions and trillions of them) and then have some plans on what to do to move past them. One time when I was learning another language, I decided that every time I had a thought of him at all, I would immediately practise one of the new language things, and then, I found, not only was I getting less toxic energy from the N, I was also getting my language homework done… a win win really! Then, let yourself laugh. Focus on you and your children, bring joy and happiness into your lives, with simple pleasures, like, no fighting, no fears, no tension. Watch your kids play, you can learn from them. Give yourself permission to be free and calm, forget relationships for a while, just have fun, and then the TRUTH will work life out
      for and with you!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Eileen White
        June 14, 2012

        What beautiful advice, Juliana. I’m learning Spanish right now to try to stop my life from being consumed with my 40-year mess.
        I also joined an outdoor adventure club, where I’ve met a number of REAL people. It is restoring my faith, but my lessons about NPD will never be forgotten.

      • Moya
        September 8, 2013

        Thank you!

    • irene
      June 21, 2012

      I been exactly where you are so I understand reliving the anger, pain, and twisted emotions. When I see or think of the N, I take a deep breath and tell myself that woman is now stuck taking care of what used to be my problem. Karma is a wonderful thing.

    • Kim
      February 21, 2013

      I can relate to how you feel. I am going through the same exact thing now. I never even thought of a narcissistic personality, but this article hits the nail on the head. WOW!!! Hang in there. What doesn’t kill us will make us stronger. HUGS

      • WW
        March 12, 2013

        I too am going through this. 13 years with an N and married for almost 9. The divorce proceedings are difficult and he moved on immediately with a new gf. It is difficult to wrap my head around wanting out of this toxic relationship that I battled my way through all these years and yet, still feeling hurt that he could move on so quickly. And the $ he is spending now, all during our marriage I was on such a tight financial leash! Wouldn’t know it now! Any advice?!

    • Ryan
      March 31, 2013

      The pain will heal- it just takes time. I just finally am not hearing my crazy alcoholic sister screaming at me day and night, being her slave and watching how she has blamed everyone else why she is so messed up. A former Heroin addict she just keeps finding something. But I have spent the past year day and night taking care of her and now that she got in the hospital, she is telling everyone it is my fault because I couldn’t find a job. Pretty hard to find work when you are in a abusive needy situation and on call 24/7. But I turned my anger into positive, she turned my whole family against me with her lies, but I guess I just don’t care, because I know the truth and they just love that drama. So now I have 30 days to find a job and a place to live and I will be set free finally from this horrible ordeal. And just like you, I will heal and we need to keep our faith.

    • Terry
      May 9, 2013

      I know how you feel. I am a man, and I am supposed to be “strong,” yet I somehow feel intimidated by my ex whenever she confronts me. I am not a stupid person, but trying to stay calm and be rational in her presence is a huge struggle for me. I clam up when she presents the lies. Currently, after 3 years of fighting for a separation agreement and getting nowhere but in debt to my lawyer, I thought we were close to a settlement after mediation, but then she completely changed her mind and started tossing the lies my way once again. I feel completely powerless because I have run out of money to keep paying… and yet she will take me to court for much more support than she deserves. After putting us in the financial hole, it astounds me that she should still be entitled to ANYTHING. But the law is stacked against me.

      • robert sweeney
        January 1, 2014

        Terry i see this response was in May of this year. Has anything changed? My situation did mirror yours but now I do see how truth shields me from the anxiety she once created. It will be 2 years in April and we will be in front of the court Master to end the marriage. The courts in my county are united against the father. But with acceptance comes peace. I do disagree with the statement from the article that “Truth wins out” but i still will present it to the judge and get it on paper for posterity. I have also saved all of the emails court documents etc. for my children to read when they become adults. If they have not been turned into Ns themselves, perhaps then they will see i fought the good fight and lost. so my advice is to weather the distortion campaigns because people will see the truth and accept your fate so that you can move on. I have a wonderful woman in my life now who gives me support and belief in our tomorrow.

    • Joe
      May 30, 2013

      After reading the first paragraphs of this site…I felt a shiver up my spine… I am a man a good father a good husband a faithful husband and now my life is in ruins. I was married to a 115 lb monster who has done everything she can to destroy me…I feel powerless and hopeless and she used the family court system against me to destroy me…. I have been so close so many times to putting an end to this evil… but know Im better than that… the words above are so true… you know they are this way but you think it will change… you hope you wait and nothing but the same… I have two sons and she took them from me for nothing more than money… the saddest part of this is that NO ONE STOOD UP IN MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS AND SAID STOP THIS STOP LYING STOP SPREADING LIES STOP TELLING YOUR SONS THAT THEIR FATHER IS A MONSTER… NO ONE.. I realized at that moment that this life is over… all I wanted to be a good father successful has been stripped from me for nothing more than her getting off watching me struggle. I am at the end now of 7yrs of struggle…financially ruined dead end life with no hope of the future… npd huh its just plain evil and its time to stop it…..

      • c
        June 29, 2013

        My story is the same. Destroyed and hopeless. Awesome mom but lost custody to a N father when I was primary caregiver. He lied for me to sign paperwork then used it against me. I had a nervous breakdown and have been bedridden for nearly a year. My life is over and ruined. All I can say is, thank God my son and I are close despite it all.

      • Jewel
        July 6, 2013

        Hi Joe,

        My N husband of 25 years is doing the same. I am still astounded about the lies that he has said and the people (including my young adult children) who believe them. He said that he would destroy me and drive a wedge between me and my children. He was so sure that he had managed this, he wrote that my children don’t live with me in his court documents for settlement 2 months ago. We couldn’t work out why. then last night my youngest 16 yr-old announced that she was going to move out soon (ie. before the next court hearing) and that her father (who lives interstate) and siblings had been arranging it because he has told them that I am a bad mum. My true sin is that I remained with him for 25 years to keep the family intact. I too have thought that if I have lost my children, then there is no hope left, and it would be better if my life ended. My children are everything. Then I thought: if he has done this to me, then one day he might turn on one of my children and though they are believing his lies at the moment (he’s told them that I have done to him the actual things that he has done to me) I need to be here for them if that day ever comes. So hang on Joe. The world needs people like you and I to stand up and tell it that these evil people exist. I know it is lonely. For me it is also financially devestating as he took his executive wage with him when he left. He is also marrying his mistress as soon as he can. He is so weak that he had to ask her to marry him and wait for her to say ‘yes’ (even thouh she is his PA and knows he was married) befoer he walked out. So hang on Joe. It’s the pits, I know. But if we don’t stand up, who will?

        • hana grace
          August 15, 2013

          narcisisitically abused but not a victim!

          • hana grace
            August 15, 2013

            divorcing my narcissist! God willing.

            3 years married to an N whos 20 year old son also an intelligent N.

            took 3 years to leave but Melanie is right. dont be a victim of anyone. take charge of your life. take responsibility for our lives.

            ask why we allowed it to happen?

            we are deserving of better

            God loves us but He allowed it to happen

            there must be a reason

            in a past life maybe i was a N

            God forbid

            but i know God does not let ANYTHING happen with out Him knowing why and what is best for me

            I know God loves me and know He is the Truth aand His Justice is Perfect

            I dont have to understand why He allowed this to happen to me

            I just trust He knows what is in my best interests

            I trust Him to heal all my broken inner parts and my soul

            i am not a victim

            I am loved by G0D, im deserving of a better life with a caring genuine person

            i take responsibility

            and i want to work towards living a good life with a person who deserves my love

            healing is there for the taking!

        • Gksred
          March 6, 2014

          Joe, c, and jewel
          I stay because I know this will happen to me. He has already started telling the kids(ages 19-12). Th he took them on bike rides and doesn’t recall me ever being with him, I was there all the time. I know, small, but I see it coming and I’m scared. Everyone is wooed by him, charming, adorable and smart. I can’t leave, I wish I could just disappear, but I cannot bear not being able to be with my children. There is no way out, even. Even counselors cannot see it. He refuses to go anymore though. I have been in a codependency support group for 3 years, I’m more confident that I am not not crazy, but leaving means he will bury me.

      • Laura
        November 24, 2013

        I have witnessed the struggle between my boyfriend and his exwife over the last year. I knew she was ‘off’ not from anything he had necessarily said but from her actions and how she parented. It was/is extremely self serving. Their son lives with him (she willingly gave the son to him) but kept the daughter. Which right there threw up red flags when we first met. What mother doesthat??? I have 3 children and couldnt fathom giving anyof them to my ex. But as time went on and I would hear more stories, I had to put google to work with some of what I was hearing. NPD was the unsettling smack in the face. 

        Everytime she would make a request during the divorce negotiations and he would agree, she would retract and request more. It was almost as if she thought ‘he agreed too fast, i could have gotten more’. Nothing seemed adequate or acceptable. So finally after 10 months and 35k in atty fees, he ended the back and forth tug of war and allowed her to follow through with the “Im taking you to court” threat. At the end, she got less than what she would have with mediation..which she ended. Its a long way from over since he is going for custody of his daughter, as he should. My only suggestion for someone suffering with seperation with a narcissistic ex is to stop negotiating. Allow an impartial person to decide and let it be put in the court transcripts that the ex parter suffers from an undiagnosed NP disorder which will be addressed at another time during a custody hearing. Most judges are aware of what that is and just how convincing some people can be.

        As for handling the unsettling knowledge that the ex has a bevy of unwary supporters thinking youre a monster, youll just have to find a way to work through it. Even the irrational people need friends. But I’m certain the friend turn over rate is higher than the norm :) so take comfort in knowing one day they will see your ex for who they really are and realize you probably are not the person first thought.

        Good luck :)
        Laura

        • Bet
          April 27, 2014

          Laura I am reading your article with great interest as I thought the very same about my seperated husband’s first wife however now realise nothing could be further from the truth. I have just recently seperated from my new husband and now believe he has NPD or at least shows these traits and may have some other mental illness. During our relationship he was the most amazing guy I had ever met in my life, got married and two weeks before he left he was a different person, a lot of things came out basically he was a fake, I was shocked. He painted a very bad picture of his 1st wife and I believed him. Also painted a bad picture of the other of his son from previous relationship. He made up all these stories about them in order to make him look good and as the poor victim. I can now see this was his side of the story and since found out his ex went through years of torture and emotional abuse. I am not in any way saying your boyfriend is not a good guy but after my experience it confirms that there are always two sides to every story! Thanks Bet

      • Ali
        December 12, 2013

        Hi Joe,

        I am in the middle of endless court battle against my NPD ex wife. I understand your situation. But don’t lose hope, be strong. I know fathers are already abused in the court system, especially in family court system. The family court is much harder for a father with NPD wife than for a mother with NPD husband. But don’t lose your hope or you will lose everything. The pain won’t last forever. Hard time shall pass.

      • Winnie Fontenot
        March 2, 2014

        Joe,

        Your story resonates so much to my husband’s situation with his x-wife. For the last 15 yrs, she (remarried around the same time we did) has done everything she can to destroy him. Likewise with his family and friends, they have not stood up to stop her and their kids from telling lies and spreading lies about him. Their kids called him a loser and told him to shut up and pay $1700/mo child support to their mom because that is his job. She would lie and alter medical receipts for him to pay more. She took him back every year to modify the support until the law changed to every 3 years…exactly three years, she’s back on track… Turned out the kids were not even his. Yes, he has to pay bc his request for DNA “time window” has expired under the TX law.

        Hang in there Joe! About six years ago, my husband decided to stand up to her every time she tried to use the court to punish him. He did exactly what Melanie Tonia Evan’s 1-4 steps of “How to bring a narcissist’s lies to light”. She was so shocked that he stood up to her after all these years. She began to back off, but her lies and manipulation still continue. Just don’t her see you sweat.

        The tide turned recently when his family was brought up in court bc she wanted to strip all his parental rights but still pay support. They realized their actions were being used against him. My husband has 15 months left to deal with her. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

        Have faith and stand strong. Pray to God or to your Divine Power. The truth and the light will put out all evil doers.

        PS. It has not been an easy road for my marriage to him or for our sons due to her NPD. It will end soon!!

      • nancy
        March 11, 2014

        I too lost my youngest son, my life savings, the respect of my family and friends, and my older son is significantly impaired after my struggle with my husband, a textbook narcissist. If you found a way to recover, please share it with me. I am simply empty and broken. I feel for you.

      • metooJoe
        July 25, 2014

        I hope you are doing better , its been a year since your post. Ive dealt with my ex for 14 years and he never ever stops being vindictive and tearing my children from my life, it was every holiday and now its my weekly time. He schedules things for them constantly and my things and traditions are pooey and dont count.

        Families can be swayed by narcissim because of the charm they played on us in the beginning and the lies we fed our families (Hes awesome..(even though he was tormenting ou…hes sweet ,even though he was a monster..etc) We helped our families on this one….True? My family knows the truth and yet to hold onto my kids (their niece/nephew/grandchild) they dont want to piss him off. ….Ive had exactley 3 days this entire summer with my kids and yet HE IS THE HERO. HE IS NEVER WRONG . Hearts can break, but our spirits can be healed and made whole again . I wish you the best

  • Nancy Simpson
    May 18, 2012

    I would really like to hear stories of others who have detached from their narcissist, focused on being true to themselves, and seen the narcissists false power crumble – many thanx for the email – it was most helpful – also, I didn’t understand what u meant in #2 ” they don’t retliate trying to prove a point & correct the lies ” ?
    From nancy

    • colleen AUSTRALIA
      May 22, 2012

      WELL MY N HUSBAND LEFT ME IN jAN 2012, WHEN HE REALISED HE COULDNT TAKE FROM ME ANY MORE AND THAT I WOULD NOT PUT UP WITH HIS BEHAVOURS ANY MORE. HE WOULD QUITE OFTEN LEAVE ME DILLUSIONED, SHAKING MY HEAD WONDERING IS HE FOR REAL. HE HAD NO EMPATHY, NO COMPASSION, WAS COCKY, CONCEITED ,THOUGHT HE NEW IT ALL, WOULD INTERUPT ME WHEN I WAS TALKING, I COULD NEVER GET A WORD IN BECAUSE HE DIDNT KNOW HOW TO SHUT HIS MOUTH AND LISTEN TO ME. HE WOULD WALK AROUND THE HOUSE WHISTLING WHEN HE NEW THAT HE HAD UPSET ME, HE PHYSICALLY ABUSED MYSELF AND ALL MY 3 CHILDREN. THEIR NOT HIS CHILDREN. HE LOVED PLAYING MIND GAMES. HE WANTED TO BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION WHILE OUT SOCIALISING. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT HIM. HE SWORE ON HIS OWN CHILDS DIE ON OATH AND LIED CAUSE I CAUGHT HIM OUT. THE DAY THAT HE WALKED OUT THE DOOR,THERE WAS ANOTHER WOMEN WAITNG FOR HIM. i WANT TO DIVORCE HIM NOW, BUT HAVE TO WAIT THE 12 MONTHS. I BOUGHT MY HOUSE BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED, IM THE TITLE DEED OWNER. WE REFINANCED AND HAD BOTH NAMES PUT ON THE MORGAGE, BUT FOR THE PAST 7 YRS I HAVE MADE THE MAJORITY OF THE MORGAGE PAYMENTS, BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN RECIEVING INSURANCE PAYMENTS FOR A BACK INJURY. HE THEN DECIDED TO BUY A LAWN MOWING BUSINESS WHILE RECIEVING INSURANCE PAYMENTS. I HAVE THE BANK STATEMENTS TO PROVE THAT HE WAS MAKING AN INCOME FROM THE BUSINESS AND RECIEVING INSURANCE PAYMENTS AT THE SAME TIME. I SAY THIS IS FRAUD. HE BUILT A HOUSE ON MY PROPERTY SO 2 HOUSES ON THE ONE PROPERTY HE TOLD ME TO RENT IT OUT AND HE WOULD COLLECT THE MONEY.I TOLD HIM THE MONEY THAT COMES FROM MY PROPERTY STAYS WITHIN THE PROPERTY AND WILL GO TOWARDS THE MORGAGE, LAND AND WATER RATES. HE EXPLODED AND TOLD ME TO GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE AND OUT OF TOWN. HE TOLD ME HE WOULD SEE ME IN COURT, ITS NOW BEEN 3 MONTHS SINCE I HAVE HEARD FROM HIM AND I HOPE I NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. IM PRAYING THAT HE WILL BACK OFF KNOWING THAT I CAN BLACKMAIL HIM. IM HOPEING HE HAS GOT HIS KARMA

      • irene
        June 21, 2012

        Get a good lawyer.

      • meercat
        December 1, 2012

        Colleen,You are in for a rude shock.What ever you believe to be morally & ethically fair, in dealing with property settlements, if you end up in court, the law dictates how the cake gets sliced. I suggest you start reading up on Family Law in your state ASAP. Be careful what you do with the fraud situation because if he proves that you knew and supported what he was doing and derived a benefit from it through him, you will blow your credibility out the window in front of a magistrate and could also be charged with fraud.GET A SOLICITOR PRONTO for advise on how things will proceed and how they can go pear shaped.Expect to pay upwards of $50,000.00, court Barristers are VERY expensive and if your not fighting over “sheep stations”, they may not give your case the attention you believe it deserves.Don’t forget Narcissists think they will win by dragging you through court and will destroy you financially as well as emotionally.
        Been there done that,got the scars to prove it.
        Good luck.

      • Sharon from Australia
        April 9, 2014

        Colleen, I see your post is 2 years old but I’m wondering how you got on as I’m going through the same thing. I’ve been separated for 1 year and nothing has been resolved at Family Court mediation. My husband has misappropriated company funds, falsified invoices and received undeclared income. I’ve asked my solicitor why he isn’t being charged with any offence but I get the impression that the family court prioritises financial settlements between the 2 parties at all costs as I keep getting told we need to agree on valuations prior to the next Conciliation conference. I refuse to give in to his bullying, lying and dishonest tactics but after 12 months of this, it’s taking its toll.

    • Hillary
      June 16, 2012

      Hi Nancy
      When you don’t retaliate directly to your ex you have stopped trying to convince the N of the truth. When you detach from their nasty game and record the truth for your own purposes (court documents etc) you are doing what you need to protect yourself. They say you can’t make a crazy person see common sense – it is true, so release yourself and stop trying. You can’t make them change and you actually do not need to.
      If you are in court you have to start thinking professionally about what is going on. Operate on that level of being thorough, print out every email from the N which distorts the truth. If you are in court, don’t block their emails! They are precious court evidence. Having his lies in print saved me financially. What I did was redirect all his emails to a difference email address and only opened them on the days I felt strong enough.
      Subpoena every document you can which backs up the truth and present it factually and strongly to the courts or police.
      Take emotional help from good sources, friends, family, counsellors. Experience and acknowledge your pain then put it aside while you do positive things to look after yourself. You will grow ‘into yourself’ bit by bit.
      I had a hell of a journey through court for three and a half years (I was successful in court), but boy did I learn to stand up for myself and detach from an unhealthy man. ps…I am still far from being fully healed but I am a good work in progress !

      • Gaby
        January 20, 2013

        Great advice. I am also working on my recovery.

      • Sharon Redman
        February 4, 2013

        Thanks, Nancy. You gave me hope! :)

      • Gksred
        March 6, 2014

        Thank you Hilary!

    • Elaine
      January 27, 2013

      I recently started a new job and my N boss has been a nightmare. I stood up to her, consulted HR and an attorney.and have pretty much won all the battles. I now have an ulcer and am resigning at the end of my contract. She is not smart enough to avoid exposure, it is just that I don’t have the patience to let Karma take care of it.

  • Donna Miller
    May 18, 2012

    I am in the middle of a court financial settlement with my husband of 18 years. The court process has taken me 2 years. He was served papers in Sep 2010 so he has only been going through it for 6 months. It is taking its toll on me. He has been seeing another woman for 12 months now who lives 4 hours drive away. I have just learnt that she has written a character reference and has lodged it in the Courts. She has said he is honest, upstanding and ethical. That she has great respect and trust for him and a man of high moral principal. That he is kind, gentle and considerate and has a generous nature with a keen sense of humor. This man has abused me physically, mentally and emotionally. I now drink and am emotionally broken.
    I feel this is the last straw and finding it hard to continue with the court case. I have already paid out $50,000. Court is in another 6 months. My husband has never given me a penny or shared any material things with me. I am feeling now it must have been me and that this new relationship of his will work out.

    • Monica
      May 19, 2012

      Please don’t give up and get all your initial to. My former husband never gave me anything,, we was married for twenty years. I almost felt like giving up because he fault me on every issues Thur the divorce process … whatever you do fight to the end please

    • teri
      May 21, 2012

      I feel for you. I’m pretty much in the same place. Not only his new but with my own children, they are so desperate to have a relationship with their abandoning father they will do anything not to upset him so he leaves again. I’m still looking for the answers…..why did I stay, when did I lose my spiritual faith, when did I lose my self reliance, how could I refer to myself as “battered” when I allowed it?

      Everything hurts. I don’t miss him, I’m tired of dealing with his constant intrusions on my personal and financial life.

      It’s NOT YOU. They know no boundaries, they are liars and master manipulators. His web of lies and abusive behaviors will catch up with him. He is NOT happy, he never could be. You’re probably not happy right now, but you are capable of happiness and you will make it happen.
      Take care of yourself, what you are feeling is so normal and will pass.

    • Eileen White
      June 14, 2012

      Donna, I hope you are doing much better. My mind wants to tell me it was “my problem”, but my heart knows the truth. I chose to stay in an abusive relationship for 40 years. I’ve been trying to get a divorce, and I’ve learned I have to trust completely in God to tell me who I am and that I have a much better purpose in life (including experiencing happiness)than living his lies. Please trust the truth that you allowed HUGE abuse and that you can end it all successfully if you stay the course. What happens in his new relationship is absolutely no matter to you. I know. Every good wish (and prayer) to you!

    • Marguerite
      October 8, 2012

      I just read your post. I understand what you are going through, I have also spent $55,000 on court. The emotional torment that you allow yourself to go through is much more expensive. If I can give you any advice, please email me.

      M

    • Gaby
      January 20, 2013

      Follow Melanie’s advice in this article. It took me eight years to get a divorce and I survived. I had the mistress and her family and friends make statements against me. My N even entered as “evidence” a report from a psychologist. All of this proved nothing. Please get help instead of drinking. You will be accused of being an alcoholic. I was, and I am not. It is not you. Please get help to bring back your confidence in yourself. I did. I won.

  • Divya
    May 18, 2012

    well, i divorced my narcissistic husband (my ex now) 2 months back. I had been isolated from my parents and family and physically, mentally, emotionally and financially abused and blackmailed. I kept loving him, until a huge lie came out. After which i could see how he was lying to me for several years. And i divorced him, it was a joint petition. i achieved it by letting my family know the whole truth. He being a true coward to the core, signed the papers. Now he plays the role of a victim, asking me what wrong he did (thru emails) and blaming me for not being with him (when he hurted me,….seems very funny). Now i have developed a lot as a person and quite confident, and there is no memories of the past. It took me 1 year to leave the pain completely including the time of divorce procedure. I could recover easily as i kept praying and went for christian retreats and realised i was not wrong. The priest and the church advised me to divorce him (he is a non-christian). Also his twin brother is diagnosed with schizophrenia, i can confirm that he too is one, though it was not clinically proven (He being a doctor himself, cannot be seen as a patient, his ego doesn’t let him.)

    To all my friends here, i would advise keep praying and trust in God, he has saved you and giving you the intuition about the narcissist, to leave him. And trust me, narcissist can never repent or change. They cannot understand the emotions of a normal human being.

    In spite of abusing me and blackmailing and also attempting to murder my mother and blackmails that he would rape my younger sister, he stills asks me what wrong he has done…

    We need to pray for the narcissist, it will help us forgive them and in a way we are getting healed from the wounds, the narcissist caused us.

  • Sandra
    May 18, 2012

    Hi Mel

    I’ve just come through this and yesterday received confirmation that my ‘Financial settlement’ has been through court and my decree absolute has been filed. Wooooo 18 long difficult months later.

    It has been hell, I luckily found a very good solicitor who has dealt with many men like this and she would tell me what his next move would be everytime. At the start of the divorce process I listened to my ex, thought he knew all about it and went along with his suggestions, WRONG!!! It was the most dreadful time and drove me to think about taking my own life to stop the pain. At that point a friend came along and took me by the hand to the solicitor. The first solicitor I found didn’t want to take my case on because of the abuse so I changed to my current one.

    When I had to go through the things he had done to me, it was like reliving it all again and indeed in the following months, I had help from the Mental Health people for PTSD. I did reach very low points as, as you say, the lies and accusation about MY behaviour he threatened to bring up in court. He delayed things every time, ignored time deadlines, and only did things at his pace. My solicitor laughed, I did not, but in the end all his ‘game’ playing was there for everyone to see. He couldn’t help himself, the behaviour he used on me, he was using with the solicitors, so I just had to sit tight and wait for Karma to happen.

    It took me a while to really detach myself. I had healings with yourself and was able to bring what I had learnt from yourself to the fore. The discussions I had with the Mental Health Nurse just reinforced what I had learnt about myself with Mel. I used it as a reminder.

    Eventually, each little piece of our divorce was sorted out. The financial stuff has gone in my favour and I now have a new life, in a new country with a new man who is the complete opposite to my ex. I am now waiting for my decree absolute.

    I believe in Karma and it will sort him out when the time is ready. At the moment I have landed a job in a foreign country and he has lost his ‘high paid’ job. I have learnt just to smile, I kept my dignity throughout this, stuck to the truth and kept telling myself, you can’t reason with a man who is unreasonable.

    Sandra xx

  • Julie K
    May 18, 2012

    When I was going through the courts, and going through the courts, and going through the courts…..(he kept taking me back again) I was in a terrible state and did the whole needed to disprove the lies etc. The more I stood up for myself, the more manic and unstable I looked. What to do? I meditate and one message that I got which really really helped me was that it is not up to me to dispense karma and to merely stand and walk my truth. So as difficult as it was to not react, I went quiet and only said what I needed to say for myself and my child. It worked! He kept getting himself in a lather and his lies got bigger and bigger as if that would make his story more viable. They all saw through him, he looked like the idiot. And when he kept taking me back to court, they would just politely put up with him and gave him nothing he asked for. I walked out with everything I asked for and my dignity. He doesn’t cross my now and we see each other all the time as he is still my sons father….x

  • Alison
    May 18, 2012

    Hi all, I too have recently “put the past behind me” my ex firstly denied I’d left because of his torture – telling me I’d be back. Then he denied any knowledge of why I’d left to our friends. Denied receiving documents from my lawyer, denied receiving court dates, denied, denied, denied – I begged my lawyer to believe me – looking like a crazy woman I’m sure… it took 10 months to get him into Court, and he denied I had any financial interests in joint property we owned, even though I had bank statements to prove my contributions were larger than his. (Enter Melonie and this site – bless you!!!!) We eventually got to mediation where his lies continued until the mediator saw my evidentiary documents. My ex NARC then had a tantrum and left; later accepting the mediators position on where our settlement / split of financial assets should fall – more to my side than my ex NARC’s …. you would have thought (as I did) thank God that’s over, but then, predictably, the NARC came back at me when we got a reasonable contract offer on the house he was living in that I had bought and left to save myself from the torture (although continuing to pay contributions toward until the mediation / agreement, still he was living cheaply with hundred of thousands of dollars of my equity still in the property)…. Enter Melonie and QFH…. I became more calm, more self reliant and more quietly determined. It took 4 months and a few more thousands of dollars to get the property settled, but I got through it! I kept reminding myself that the only way was through, I could not run, I could not hide, I could not scream and win, I just had to keep my lawyers between my ex NARC and myself and go through it. There were times (most of the time) I was so terrified to speak of the situation to anyone who knew him, incase I let something out of the bag that he would seek revenge for. It has been 3 weeks since everything about our joint financial situation has finalised and they have been the most happy, comfortable, grateful 3 weeks of my life I’m sure. I have been back to my home town and visited some of my long lost friends. Not to explain, but just to be with. I can finally see a future for myself, that I did not dare to when I was in the midst of the torture from my ex NARC, just in case he found another way to get at me again. To all of you that are screaming to get out – take heart, take solice , take self care and no contact seriously – speak your truth over and over and eventually your small but truthful voice will be heard! I sincerely bless you on your journey of growth, it will be different, but the same as it was for me, for most of you. Just KNOW that one day you will be extraordinary again – its the reason the NARC was drawn to you and what you need to hold on to, to go through the trials – YOU ARE EXTRAORDINARY – REMEMBER THAT! greatest love and wishes to you. Alison.

    • Lyn
      August 14, 2012

      Alison, Thank you for sharing. I am going on three years since my N left me for another woman. It took me eight months of believing it was all my fault why our marriage didn’t work to realize this was him and pushed for divorce. I did not find this site or even realize what was happening for another year and a half. This experience is and has been a real growth. I am still growing and learning and haven’t reached the end. My N is a certified public accountant and knew how to put our property in limited liability partnerships which I am not even part of. He has held up giving my attorney documents until just recently. I am having to subpoena everything and haven’t received any alimony as yet. I feel blessed by having a really good job, family, and friends which have helped me deal emotionally with the turmoil. I have recently, in reading Melanie’s ‘No Contact’ started and have felt better. I feel I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go, but each day I get closer to the end and I am trying to be positive for the outcome in court, feel thankful and grateful that I am still alive and doing better, and I am appreciative of everyone’s insight and sharing which has helped tremendously. I still at times “think” the other woman must be better. Each time I do I go through all the reasons why it’s okay if she is better for him: I do not have to live with being a scapegoat for his failings, she can deal with his negativity and chaos, his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde persona, and etc. I have been blessed to get away and have a better relationship with a healthier person someday. I don’t talk much about him being a N to my kids or family because they don’t seem to understand that divorcing a N is different than just going through a divorce. I had tried to get a divorce within the first three weeks of him leaving ‘for space’ and he didn’t want to give me the little I asked for. Later, he wanted a stipulation which only stated items I came into the marriage with and No community items which were acquired during marriage. He has asked for a post-nuptial
      three different times, but I decided I needed to go-through the courts and let them decide. I believe the post-nuptial was a rouse-how long after I signed it would ‘the marriage’ work out before he claimed it didn’t and we should part ways-using the post-nuptial in court for settlement purposes. I don’t believe him or trust him to be fair. Going through the court system has been trying with him holding back information and us having to find the proof to show he is lying. I know in the end: I will be stronger, but feel weak at times and want to just walk. I keep telling myself to hold-on and hang-in-there. I thank you for the encouragement that it is essential for my growth to go through these trials. Whatever happens, I WILL BE a better person.

  • jac
    May 18, 2012

    What a time we have when we are initially with a man we thought we could trust.
    I moved in with an NPD sufferer, only 3 months after I had met him! The one thing I did do, thanks to my mother who had been with a ‘compulsive gambler’ and another very abusive relationship was to keep my finances separate, have my own list of items documented, keep my own money private and my own bank account. Keep one for everyday expense and one for saving, (this one he doesn’t know about). We are conditioned to believe that if you don’t reveal all of yourself and tell them everything, you are deceitful. This is simply not true. We don’t know these people that well, whether it be 2 years or even married for 20 years, it is still important to keep your own identity and have a back up plan from the beginning. I am thank full that I had everything separate even down to purchases of furniture and other possessions, even though I would share and say they were ours together, they were still ‘technically’ my possessions. Also, I had no children with this man and that made it a lot easier, even though NPD abuse is never easy, it is hell, as us survivors know too well. I believe there is a time frame for who can own what as far as material possessions are concerned and I think it is 6 months if living with the person, defacto or married, but not certain now. Keeping everything in a different name helps too, as does buying without going halves. There was one time I decided to trust this man and we took out a GE contract together for a bed that cost a lot of money…it was in my name, and he promised he would pay his half on time. I became ill and had to leave work, go on a pension and my budget changed. As it turned out, he wasn’t making any payments and kept saying…I need the money this month for this or that and I never saw the money, not one payment. Was left with a huge debt and ended up not only paying his share but my own and the interest, as I couldn’t pay it out in time without his help. He had secretly bought a new motorbike, saying it was too good to pass up as it was a collectors item and then something else he had bought. This is after he said he was struggling. Lies beyond comprehension. He justified not paying for his share of the bed for “I bought the tv, which you use, I bought the washing machine which you use, the couch which you share and so on” (these were items he had before he met me. The worst thing he said was “I have bought all of these items and you only bought the bed!” He was finding an excuse for getting out of the agreement ‘we had together’. When I left, I took what was mine and checked off my list. I planned it while he was at work, to get my stuff out of the house before he had a chance to hide anything or go through my boxes. To this day, he owes me money but I know I will never see it. My friend who is a lawyer said, ‘you have a right to take half of what he has’ but I decided to just leave and get this man out of my life. I was too stressed and suffering from horrific abuse to have any fight in me at that late stage and to me material possessions are not as important as my life.
    I hope this helps with women who it is not too late for, to keep everything like bank accounts to yourself, with exception to the one you use daily. Until you know this person and know he is not NPD or other. x

  • jac
    May 18, 2012

    one more thing…joint accounts are not as popular these days and for good reason. Don’t hand over your power with anything and even when you trust this person, who turns out to be ok, you just never know what may be around the corner. My mother did teach me a valuable lesson when she was given ‘the gift’ after recovering from horrific abuse, loosing everything she had, house, her car, our horses, art investments which broke her heart being an artist and just everything she had earn’t. It is not a matter of not trusting or being ‘paranoid’ but it is peace of mind. You can still have a very honest, open relationship but you will be well prepared if it goes ‘pear shaped’ and the NPD monster reveals himself. For the ones who are locked into a life time marriage with children, Melanie is so right, do as she says and everything will work out for you and your children. Thanks Mel x

  • sushmita
    May 18, 2012

    Each time I read the letters, I draw strength from it because I am in a much better place now in BODY, MIND AND SPIRIT. At my age ’50 something’ (but never feel a day older than 35) I have a male friend but I keep our relationship on a ‘when I can see you’ basis. It is more balanced and makes me feel more in control of my life. Melanie, even though I live on a different continent, I feel as though I am close to you – keep up the good work to inspire and strengthen other women xxx

    • Rose
      May 21, 2012

      Today is my birthday and marks 2 years since my Narc stopped being in my life. I rpeatedly “left” only to return to the promise of change. I struggle daily with getting him out of my thoughts….so great was the damage to my self esteem and values. I cannot believe I allowed my behaviour for so long and that he still has power over me. He is gone and cannot contact me….I have moved house, changed job and phone numbers, but I am not free. Part of me is tied to him and I am almost compelled to think about ways to punish him…..I know I must move on, and I am very slowly doing so….but he still has some control. Luckily, the finaces were never joint, so no court battles….but emotionally, he has certainly ‘done a number on me’….at my age, I should have known better

  • Alex
    May 18, 2012

    Hi Mel, I think your Website is great and is providing strength and guidance to all of us who have suffered from a partner with NPD. I have been with my husband for over 25 years and I was oblivious to his ‘dark side’ until January of this year. I like so many women in this situation loved and worshiped this man like a god. It is true that love is blind and I thought he could do no wrong and spent my life waiting on him like a slave and trying endlessly to please him…(to no avail) I started to see cracks in the ‘mask’ over recent years, but did not want to believe that our marriage may not survive. I have been in denial and until recently have only discovered the real monster this man is. He broke my heart and like many of us, I thought I would die from the pain… I could not comprehend how he could do these things to me; until my psychologist told me it was NPD and then it all made sense. He is textbook NPD and has been cheating on me for the last 25 years with multiple women. He also has other extreme addictive behaviours and is an ex-footballer, who thinks life is one big competition and game… I didn’t even know what a Narcissist was until February this year and during the lowest point of my life, when my heart was broken and my life was shattered, I got down on my knees and prayed to God for a miracle. (The real God in heaven). I got my miracle in so many ways and now have so much evidence of his lies and cheating it makes my head spin. There is no doubt I now have serious issues with trust (he even slept with one of my best friends..), but God has given me the strength and guidance to get through this and it is empowering and healing me from the inside out. Trust in God and he will protect you and give you freedom. I forgive my ex husband for what he has done, even though he is still tormenting me daily. This is not for me to judge and God will take care of that. I like all of us need to have the strength to pull myself together and have faith and hope for a brighter, happier and amazing future. God is giving me the strength to get through this and God is real..xxx

    • karen
      May 20, 2012

      Hey Alex thank you so much I know I have a true sister in Christ

  • Tam
    May 18, 2012

    AMEN!!!! Alex! I love Melanie, she is wonderfully helpful for all of us N survivors, her website lets us know that we are not the crazy one because if someone can write what I’m feeling then others have experienced it. However, I didn’t know about this website until after I was out. Jesus got me out…He saved me…and he gave me the strength to keep going and when I couldn’t perform any tasks He carried me. I too have forgiven my X and pray for his healing everyday. I cannot imagine what it must be like for narcissists to live without every knowing the feeling of love and empathy. If you are trying to get out or have just gotten out seek Jesus, He will give you divine intervention to know how to proceed, He will give you strength, He will heal your wounds, He will carry you when you don’t think that you can possible go on. Also pray for narcissists, how are we any different than them if we do not have compassion and love for them. JUST DO IT FROM A DISTANCE, keep Jesus between you and your N. Read Psalm 31.

  • pat
    May 18, 2012

    Ladies,
    Please take heart, there is a positive ending to the pain. I have been divorced from my NARC for four years, after a 27 year marriage. He has been remarried for almost four years–yep, he remarried before the ink was dry on our divorce decree. He is a pathological liar, thief and cheat. He left me holding the “community debt” bag, but I have recovered financially–largely due to his having the pay me half of his military retirement. When we divorced, he lied his way into gaining sole custody of our grandson–our daughter passed away and left a young son behind. Four years later, the courts finally see him for the scum he really is, as we are currently heading back to court because he and his new wife have been tag-team beating my grandson for years, and have been reported to child protection authorities. I currently have temporary custody of my grandson, now he and new wife are avoiding being served summons for court to decide final custody. Melanie is absolutely correct–stay calm and allow karma to solve your problems with the NARC. DO NOT exhaust yourself with trying to disprove your NARC’s lies–save your strengh for when karma catches up with them. I stopped trying to expose him, and allowed him to expose himself–have faith it will happen.

    • Parkavenew
      May 24, 2012

      Do they ever get karma? If they get it, do they know why they get it?

      • pat
        May 31, 2012

        No, THEY don’t know that karma has been served on them–but YOU do.

  • Julie
    May 19, 2012

    Hi everyone,

    I was married to a narcissist for 26 years. I have been divorced for 18 months and we have not lived together for two years. When I filed for divorce he bought a very lovely and spacious RV and moved across the street from me. I obtained a restraining and no-contact order. Rules don’t apply to a narcissist or so they think. He violated the order on many occassions, possessed firearms when prohibited from doing so, entered my home while I was away, broke the lock on my back door, riffled through a friends car that was parked in my garage, called me, watched me from his perfect vantage point which was also a violation in being too close to me, crushed a rock on my front porch, conspired with my son to photograph me and a gentleman I had began dating. With each episode I reported the violations to the police. Each time he was able to talk himself out of it.
    He told people I had been having a two-year affair and that I was unstable and crazy! Sound familiar to any of you? The police did nothing, at one point a sheriff’s deputy phoned me and asked that I stop reporting the incidents as someone was going to get hurt! He is a local fireman and has many connections. The legal system failed in my situation.
    He moved two months ago, he now lives one left turn from my home and two houses from the woman he had been having an affair with. She broke it off with him some time ago. She had accused him of stalking her and so as rules don’t apply he then bought a home two places from her with a full view of her home and property!
    I am working to move on in my life though we continue to hold joint assets of real estate. The settlement was non-negotiable from his point of view and it is leaning heavily in his favor. Please don’t let the narcissist break you down, seek and keep legal counsel. Do not give up your rights and assets to just have it over. There are financial consequences and you must protect yourself. The narcissist does want to destroy you and to “make you pay” for leaving him and exposing him. He will lie and he will hide assets without conscience.
    Mine tried to convince me he still loved me, wanted to come home, and didn’t love the other woman. He convinced me he had stopped seeing her- another lie! I have learned that I cannot trust anything he says or does. I have read all that I can on the ugly character disorder. They do not seek help and they do not recover. I am strong and I am walking forward away from him with my spirit intact!

  • Kate
    May 19, 2012

    Nothing about my ex husbands behavior made sense until I found this website. I had spent years fighting my inner moral compass being attached to someone who lied constantly, exaggerated and big noted himself on a daily basis, had sent us into financial ruin with his excessive spending and had physically and verbally abused me for years. I finally left when I realised my oldest child was being affected by what he had witnessed. I spent 18 months in constant fear and with a feeling of dread- he daily threatened to take the kids off me, to have my car towed (joint names on finance), spent all his time visiting mutual friends to make sure they all knew what a liar I was and played on any weakness I had emotionally. At first I would beg him to be reasonable about the kids, I would stand up and try and justify my actions to anyone who would listen and spent my days miserable. This website really gave me one of those lightbulb moments- people like this have no heart, they do not care and cannot love. They say what they need to say to get them where they need to go, the truth is irrelevant. As hard as it was, I detached myself from the situation, I called his bluff- I dared him to take me to court to try and get the kids- I recorded everything, every time he saw the children, every message we sent. I armed myself with facts and information- Knowledge is power. A narc has no substance they shy away from facts and the strong people behind them because they fear being exposed.  It worked- he discarded me completely. Unfortunately there are kids involved and they are constantly used by him as ego strokers. All I can do is arm them with the life tools they need to cope with having this sort of person in their lives. At times now I still catch myself struggling to comprehend that someone could base their whole existence on lies and make believe, but the truth is until you realise there is no substance to their existence you will continue to be the one that suffers. You can’t change them, it is only by changing your attitude that you have any chance of survival. No person is worth killing yourself for, literally, emotionally or in any other way, if nothing else I beg those reading to be strong, ultimately it’s your choice to stand up and not be the victim.

  • jodi Berger
    May 19, 2012

    I so agree with all your points. I am having trouble understanding #2. I have read many articles stating the same. Im unclear how to not defend or prove lying…….If your silent does that not appear to be acceptance? How do we show the courts that they are dishonest. Please explain……I am right in the middle of this now and I look so crazy and he so credible……Thanks

  • Alison
    May 19, 2012

    Jodi – you dont have to be silent, but you dont have to scream and therefore look crazy. I learnt that the hard way – the courts are frustrating, but the calmer and more firm in your evidence (anything written down helps) you can stay the more seriously you will be taken. Do not look at the NARC when you are in court with him, ever! This disarms him, and strengthens you. When you are preparing to give evidence, be calm, sit up straight, breath deeply and compose yourself – think of something good that has happened in your life (detaching from the proceedings is a must, until you are spoken directly to) smile to yourself by remembering something good that has happened in your life, like the birth of your child, a sunny day when you felt free, or something else that takes you out of pain and raises your vibration. This will disarm the NARC even more, and he will end up so desperate for his fix from you – he will likely become outrageous to get it – then the court officers will start to see him for what he is. Hold on Jodi – there is a light at the end and it is ready to embrace and comfort you!

  • Laurie McCulloch
    May 20, 2012

    Its been a year since I was finally brave enough to walk away. Breaking the ties that bound me to my NARC is by far the hardest challenge I have ever endured as an adult. They were fortunately not financial or famiy but still agonizing. It meant going that extra mile into knowing myself. That is a very scary place to go. I had to trust that what I found there would be okay with me and I would love myself! Years of being told you aren’t the good loving person that you thought can make you wonder!
    Walking away was painful and it took time to trust that there had to be something better than this. Whatever had I done in my life or past (if you believe in that) to deserve so many lies, so much agony and so little truth? NOTHING. I try to live my life with the integrity that Mel talks about. I was reduced to living the lie with my NARC and being someone I was NOT. Finally I broke free because I heard myself say… I know who I am and THIS is not my truth!
    Its been 10 months of no contact, unless you count the several times when my NARC contacted me posing as one of her children on text. Drawing me into the lies and stirring up my pain. I was able to prove it wasn’t the child that I care so much about. As I was changing my cell phone number I told myself that “I have better things to do, truth love and light are at my door, now chose to walk through it”. Cell number changed and no contact has been far the most helpful because it has given me time to heal. The constant second guessing about who I am (for some silly reason its hard not to believe the pathological lying snake that lives in your garden!)is gone and I have opened my heart to loving someone else. Knowing myself is a gift, to be loved with truth and integrity is the ‘gift’. Life is too joyful to ever be anywhere with a NARC: friend, lover or coworker or otherwise, now that is definitely a gift. It will happen for you too. HUGS and faith!

    • Eileen White
      June 14, 2012

      Laurie, this is so beautifully written. It made me cry, as it is my story, too…but I haven’t found your ending. I will expand on my faith and thank you for the hug! I love you for sharing truth is such a bold way.

  • Beth
    May 20, 2012

    So much of what you’ve written is very helpful. I’ve gained much awareness about the pain of N, as I was raised by a Red Level-One Narc and absorbed too much. Being honest, when you wrote ” Remember, anyone that is capable of pathological lying and operating without a conscience is never going to be a suitable love partner. ” it shattered my heart. I unfortunately lost my way and didn’t tell a new potential boyfriend something very important. He rejected me.
    I’ve lived with pathological liars and addicts all my life. I really wanted this new relationship to work out. By “lying” to him, I crushed my own integrity and commitment to always being honest and real. My dearest and deepest desire is to be in a healthy,loving relationship before I die. So when you write “never going to be a suitable love partner” I felt the pain of all the years of lack and loneliness overwhelm me. I’m so afraid I’ll never be able to get it “right” and find someone who will accept me, the way I am, and be patient with my imperfections. I’m in 3 different 12 step programs, and reading and listening to everything I can to help me feel good about myself. Today it feels like too much struggle to go on. Then I take a deep breath, and I know the sun is shining and This Too Shall Pass.
    Thank you.

  • Miss_Bradley
    May 21, 2012

    To Beth and all, You do not need to be perfect to be loved, that is the nature of compassion.
    It is yourself and your relationships you honor by being prepared to grow. take the lessons your innerself teaches you. Do not wear other peoples faults if their critisims do not come from a place of love/empathy then they are not constructive.
    Stay forever Green If you can. XXX 000

  • Rose
    May 21, 2012

    I see so much of myself in the comments posted…and Mel, you have explained what I did not see when I was involved with my NARC. Although never finacially linked, he had power over me through his manipulayion and lies. I lost my values and true self in my efforts to ‘keep him’ and believed his lies often enough to keep him interested for a number of years. My need to prove he was worth more than he appeared to others who tried to warn me, kept me blind and complicit in the whole mess. He seemed to enjoy the tears and the pain he caused, and foolishly, I fed that for way too long. When I finally left, he first tried the old tricks….phone calls and sweet talk, but when he realised this was my final stand, it all turned nasty. I moved house and changed phone numbers, but he tried to access through my work….threatening them and resulting in my employers taking out restraining orders against him…he was furious that he could not longer manipulate me. However, although it is nearly 2 years since contact with him, I sometimes think he is still the ‘winner’. I cannot stop thinking about I allowed myself to be treated so badly, why I stayed and why I chose to abandon my values for this man. He haunts my dreams and I think about what he is up to now….I would not choose to go back, but he is in my head and I wish I could make him suffer. I know I need to move on, but it is a struggle

  • Val
    May 21, 2012

    Hi Rose,
    Like you, I see my own experiences in all the posts here;particularly in your words…and my heart and loving wishes are with you and everyone here.
    Rose, it is time now to love, accept and honour your true self. She is no longer lost to you. One of the key lessons we learn here is that this relationship was a soul contract between yourself and your ex partner. You participated in order to arrive at this place of healing. I am grateful now for this; it truly is a gift.
    I had no idea who my true self was until I started this healing work with all the resources here.
    Rose, do not be in any way disappointed with yourself; love and accept yourself and everything that you have experienced.
    I found the 11/11 practice in the Articles Section helped me so much. I used the “I unconditionally love, accept and honour myself” affirmation. It felt like rubbish at first but I kept at it.
    Also, may I suggest you read some of the previous blogs- Mel wrote one about The 3 Steps recently…also the radio programs and books are great.
    Take Back Your Power Rose- see Mel’s book of that title!!
    He will never be the winner Rose; no one who enjoys hurting others is a winner and you do not need to make him suffer.
    As Mel says “Focus on what you do want- not on what you don’t want”.
    Look through all the resources here Rose and you will find what suits you to light your path ahead; moving on will soon be a joy rather than a struggle…
    Blessings xx

  • Shannon
    May 22, 2012

    I am not worried for myself as I go through my divorce, my question is how does one protect her children from being victimized and emotionally damaged by the NPD? He has supervised visitation since her birth and she is now three. He is emotionally abusive beyond words to his children from a previous relationship therefore I foresee that should he get unsupervised visitation, that he would be as abusive if not worse to our daughter in a futile attempt to punish me.

    • rosalie
      June 1, 2012

      Hi Shannon,
      It is horrible, but unfortunately all to common, for parents to use their children as a source of narcissistic supply. I know this for a fact as I am the daughter of a narcissistic father. The problem is that the more you push to extend supervised visitation the more your ex will push for unsupervised.Since your daughter is three years old this is something that you may have to face relatively soon. I would recommend getting a child psychologist involved, not only to support your daughter, but to document any issues that might occur when and if she has unsupervised visitation . If you act now you will have the opportunity to choose a psychologist that is knowledgeable about NPD. This is so important for your daughter’s well being. Narcissists are very good at fooling all sorts of people, even mental health professionals. If you wait until problems arise a psycogist may either be appointed by the court or your ex could be involved in the decision making process. Good luck with everything, heal yourself and support your daughter. it will all work out if you remember to focus on your own recovery

  • pat
    May 23, 2012

    Shannon,

    I hear you and feel for you. I felt the exact same way when he lied his way into sole custody of our grandchild. He and his new wife physically, mentally, and emotionally abused that child–and I too believe it was not done to punish the child, but to get back at me. You should try to take the advice offered here and stay calm. Try not to make eye contact in court, and follow the advice to think of pleasant thoughts while ignoring the NARC. I have to go back to court on this Thursday, and believe me it will take all of my strength not to respond to the blatant lies and denials that I know he will spew to the judge–see, I am already preparing myself for the worst. I too am seeking supervised visitation, and I am praying to myself that the judge will see thru his lies and denials and grant what I’m requesting. My lawyer is expensive and excellent, and he is chomping at the bit to get into court–keeps repeating that he wished he’d represented me for the divorce. I just smile and remind him I couldn’t afford him then. Ironic huh, I’m using my ex’s money to fight him in court–KARMA. Stay strong, the arrogant NARC will eventually expose himself. Stay calm and have faith.

  • CiG
    May 28, 2012

    Since i’ve found out so much more about this, I’m wondering. Does one person with NPD regonize another person with NPD? If so, do they clash or do they get along?

  • CiG
    May 28, 2012

    My daughter lashed out at me today, for not leaving earlier, for not protecting them. It was now my divorce so nothing to do with her. It hurt but she is right. I find it so hard to explain how this all happend. Was feeling good about myself but this really set me back. Wasn’t prepared for it.

    • pat
      May 31, 2012

      It’s the old story of not seeing the forest for the trees–you were too busy looking at the tree. But distance has allowed you to pull back and see the “big picture”. I would probably still be married to my NARC if he hadn’t walked out and left me to see my forest. Him divorcing me was the BEST thing I never knew I wanted.

  • Julie
    June 2, 2012

    I left him 16 months ago after his suicide attempt to keep me. I came into the marriage with a house, car and shares and leave with nothing but debt? Where is the justice? I feel like I have had my heart exposed and then squashed and stompted on. I feel so devasted and crippled. He is fine, he has his girlfriend he got after six weeks separation from me. I feel he gloates at me and snears at me because he is the winner!
    I knew leaving him would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do but getting through this is so lonely. He is now taking me to Court – what for – I have nothing. My lawyer is telling me that I will have to pay him? How wrong is that? All I have is God to hang on to – He is my Rock and my Redeemer – my only hope!

  • Trina
    June 8, 2012

    This is the hardest thing myself and my partner have endured. His ex wife is relentless, full of lies and uses the children as weapons. She admitted in court that she thought it was fair to use them as collateral damage. She won sole custody as she portrayed us as alcoholic drug addicts and we sat shaking our heads in disbelief. We felt so wounded that a judge believed these lies and we are both very successful career people and she is unemployed living at her mothers as we pay her 6000/month for child support and spousal. We are tired and wonder if this will ever end. So discouraging as she rips the life right out of us. We have found that ignoring her emails and craziness has helped and she gets more erratic when we ignore her. Karma soon better be around the corner.

  • Stacey
    June 20, 2012

    I feel for all of you who have been tortured by these people. I’m encouraged by your strength to remain true to yourselves despite everything that was and been used to mentally and physically beat you down. I have only just come to realise that not only horrible ex from a few years ago is a narc but also the father of my beautiful little boy is also showing significant traits. I left him 6 years ago after a year of trying to escape. I have now come to realise that my poor 8 year old son is his recent victim my son is very shut down and am in process of establishing help and a strong support system for him. He is not seeing his father until psychologist evaluates my son. What a struggle it has been. I really hope we can shine a lot of light on this problem so we can help and support those still living in the hell. Stay strong

  • Jill
    June 30, 2012

    I am in the middle of a custody battle with my ex. My little boy is 7. My ex never was involved with the parenting, it was always my little guy and me. Now, he is going out of his way to prove he is superdad, and wants custody of my son, and a 50/50 schedule. We have been through one court case, not the next one is coming up the end of July. I felt like I was blamed by the judge for being overzealous, and he said that it appears to him (the judge) that I just want my ex to drop off the planet, and said that I could consider co-parenting with a 50/50 split. He said I was not acting in the best interest of my child in restricting access to his dad. I am not restricting access. I am following the original court agreement which is one night a week and every other weekend. Strategies please….do I bring up the abuse, or does that just make me look even more crazier. He says I made false accusations agains him. It is just crazy! Why would he want to disrupt what works for our son? I know I’m not lying, and I know my heart is true in wanting whats best for my child, but I feel like the courts are stacked towards him.

    • Hillary
      July 19, 2012

      Hi Jill,
      I am not sure which country you are in, however in Australia if the parents are not in agreement to ‘shared care’ eg 50/50 it is generally not the decision that the judge will come to as the difficulties between the parents make it a very difficult life for the child. Good, friendly communication by the parents is vital to make this arrangement work.
      If you allow shared care to happen on a trial basis you have set the status quo and it will be hard to go back with the court system – so stick to your guns.
      Record any abuse. Type out any incidents which occurred prior or post separation. Always be calm in court.
      Any friends or family members who witnessed controlling behaviour or signs of disinterested parenting from your ex can be requested by you to make a statement to the court. Go to the school and ask the teachers to make a statement on paper of who was the involved parent (pick ups, drop offs, rosters) prior to separation. Keep a typed record of any nasty text messages from him. Keep a ‘communication book’ about your child’s hand over needs and only communicate with you ex using this – any nasty comments from him in a communication book can be used in court. State that you will only communicate using the book or electronic methods..eg email and stick to that. If you prove that communication between the two of you is bad then a judge would be crazy to expose your child to a lifetime of this, but you have to work to prove it or courts doubt you and clever men know how to manipulate judges. Judges like things on paper, it makes their job straight forward. It is good for children to have a life with a non-abusive father, but unhealthy for the child to be in full shared care if the father is abusive, irresponsible and difficult.
      Good luck and be gentle with yourself.

  • Jean
    July 28, 2012

    Document. Record. Document, Record.
    You cannot get far enough away from them, because their lies and manipulation (which is a form of abuse) makes you crazy – Why would court be any different. DO nOT hand over your rights , because you are not prepared. Yeah, it sucks that you have to spend several hours each and every week docmenting stuff to protect yourself. But when you show up in court with your hard evidence of the proof of what really happens – you get to live your true life again.

    NPD people – they are nothing short of modern day vampires. NEVER forget that. Get your own life, and put up boundaries so that others cannot destroy you.

  • destiny
    August 1, 2012

    ya in my last six yearsi have suffered my ex beat me while restraining orders were in act. i have had 3 of them all real all needed. i have dealt with him stalking me, threatening me, calling me he has even gone as far as to get me put in jail for what was later found to be false, thus this is when his pathalogical lies began. it became agame. i never trusted him after that. when i got a male roomate who i trusted very much. my roomate was like my brother, i loved him. my ex got a restraining order between my daughter and i because i had a male roomate.then i lost custody. all the reasons of the restraining order were asinign and rediculous. then each time a new man came into my life he would claim horrific false alligations that could turn an innocent persons life into schambles. im suffering this very topic. im lost. the only thing i could think of was to finally contact a lawyer. i hope its not a waste of time. im sick of living in fear. this is why i havent really gotten serious in 5 years. im in fear. i cant do this much longer. he has weakened me over the years. i just want my daughter back and for him to leave me alone. he has minipulated my 7 year old to the point that she has told me she is confused and doesnt know who to believe. i feel for her. i could only imagine the pain she has. this has affected more than just me. if u dont believe its real. its true. its life. theres nothing i can do about what has been done but i need to fight for the future. abuse is farther than just physical.

  • leana
    August 9, 2012

    I hate to burst your posativity bubble, but the truth does not always prevail in the real world. These people lie, twist reality, do smear campagins because IT WORKS. It works for them. They get to frame their victims and never have to face consequences for their bad acts. I know. My mother is BPD, an abuser, and she lies expertly as she has no conscience. Her only moral is “I am right no matter what. I get my way no matter what. I cannot be wrong.” They do whatever it takes in order to never face consequences for their actions. Usually lying, denying, scapegoating, and bad mouthing and isolating their victims accomplishes this. When it doesn’t, these are the personality types that will kill to get their way. Or to seek revenge upon the bad, bad person who tried to impose a consequence upon them (by leaving, divorcing, or trying to gain custody of children to protect them). These types RARELY if ever face consequences for their behavior. They are used to getting away with it. On those rare occassions when all the abusive tactics in their repitoire have failed to shield them from facing natural consequences…then it’s a dangerous time indeed. This is when murder suicides happen. Don’t underestimate what a consciencseless cluster B is capable of. They are capable of ANYTHING when it comes to getting away with it. Their whole life is built around getting away with it. These are very entitled, manipulative people who do know right from wrong (hence all the manipulative lies, smear campapains to cover their tracks). Hence the show of public sanity and the abuse and hysteria only occurs behind closed doors. They feel entitled to get away with murder and how dare YOU or anyone try to stop them from abusing you, stop them from lying about you, stop them from destroying your life.
    I was raised by one of them. They do not change no matter how much you reason, plead, or placate them. Therapy does not help them. And if you leave them or attempt to make them face an actual boundary or consequence for their behavior–WATCH OUT! You’ll discover there really is no limit to what they’ll do to you.

    • HoldingintoBFree
      March 29, 2013

      I completely agree! After 7 yrs of dragging myself through the mud in complete denial, I am in the process of divorcing the foul mass of emptiness.
      I went into the divorce with all intention of coming out equal in the distribution of property and such. I now am just hoping to get out with my sanity!
      I have already spent 3K and only had one court hearing of temporary custody he requested as he submits hundreds of pages of useless information in hopes of financially breaking me. I made an emergency break a few months ago with no income and barely a suitcase of necessities for me and our two young children and dog. My mother financially provided the best she could for us and I lived in hotels, frequently in our car and when available women shelters. He enjoyed his nights with random partners engaging in sordid behavior, circling his troops to feel sorry for him and claiming what a Godly man and devoted father and husband he had been. I was left as the villian being chased with the pitchfork by friends and family even. My mother was my only support emotionally, mentally, financially and I pray that I will move past many resentments I have built towards family through all this. I went to court (after he delayed dates for various reasons)last Tuesday and the judge ordered him to vacate the home, leave all mutual belongings in home and to seek sexual addiction evaluation. He also was mandated to provide spousal support, half the tax return that he filed without me and child support while paying all the house, car, insurance etc bills as he was during the marriage. I have already acknowledged this will be like pulling candy from a baby. Unfortunately, he failed to adhere to even the basics of the order within just a few days time. He did not vacate at the 72 hr deadline and I allowed 12 more hours per lawyers advice, in hopes to appear I was trying to work with him civilly.
      I was administering a swift kick to myself as I entered a house utterly nothing more then a skeleton of wood. He took kids toys, kids clothing, all food (left moldy bread)everything down to the toilet paper on the rolls and feminine products (????) I have been spending so much energy, emotions and money in firefighting the utter chaos he creates daily that I am still being traumatized and manipulated at his command. I wrote my lawyer after another late night of responding to the days lunacy, stating that I need to get myself in check and keep perspective. I am not going to spend 1015 hours documenting everything he removed from the house as its easier to just state what he left… Nothing. My self care is non existence and I am emotionally depleted. He is still sucking all my time and energy per usual away from the children and proper self care to him. His shopping was so overboard, I began to have concerns about people perceiving us as hoarders so truly, I needed a bit of downsizing as it was.

      After enduring his negligience to provide for the children and strategically prohibited me from every and all access to funds, I will gladly accept and be thankful for having a floor to sleep on.

      I have faced so many obstacles in breaking free and my mother has often had to drag me up by my boot straps pleading to die. I was certain that I was drowning in the deep end and lost all sense of sanity. Even my lawyer and I went to war as he accused me of being scattered brain and unreasonable and my “stories” will be seen as unstable. I haven’t even disclosed half of the madness for fear of being pegged as nuts.

      Unless you have been at the mercy of a N, it is too hard to fathom someone would devote such time, devotion and energy into creating havoc for another person. He loved to create chaos and instill doubt that I was not delusional and I was in desparate need of therapy and had trust issues stemming from my childhood. He hid the car keys while helping me look for them and criticize me when they magically appeared in obvious places, would remotely through internet access control the home security to lock me out randomly when I stepped out for even in a second to go to the car. He put software on my cell phone that could send all my texts and information to his phone. Placed an interceptor on phones to hear conversations and frusterate me when calls would continously drop etc. Prior to me leaving he called his chain of command, police, CPS and other agencies to warn them I was completely wacked out on drugs and to not listen to a word I said. Unfortunately, people will not believe that you are sane when you discuss the absurd experiences you went through. I went from a carefree happy woman earning over 6 digits when we first met to a cynical, chronically depressed self doubting hopeless soul who was couldn’t even pull enough brain power to add 1 plus 1. I am still healing and often wonder will I ever completely be emotionally and mentally restored. Did I have a breakdown and will suffer from panic attacks for the rest of my life? I suppose to some extent I will never be the same again and trust will be very difficult to find, but I will keep moving forward and fight for the childrens safety. I will contiue to pray to not question my faith and be bitter I ever met such a evil creature and pray that I come out with my head still attached. He can have the cars, big screen tvs, ipad, furniture, fancy jewelry and I suppose I will have no desire to live in a house of haunting memories. I am aware that he has already pegged his next victim and I honestly must state lack much sympathy for what she will go through, since he is still married, well atleast by paper. I highly suggest any want contemplating leaving or divorcing someone that you have feelings of being a N or a P, get your ducks in a row and start making an exit plan now! Don’t wait until its an emergency thinking that honesty, integrity and karma will see you thru, as I experienced that life isn’t fair, there is more evil people in this world and you will never be one step ahead of them, as normal minds cannot even began to fathom the despicable measures. The reality of how little they care about you and how quickly they will reveal their evil calculated tricks once they know they are exposed to you, They enjoy torture and administering suffering and will do at your expense!

      • ImFinallyFree
        April 17, 2013

        HoldingintoBFree …I completely relate to your post, as well as others here. I was finally granted my divorce in Feb. and it was a year long nightmare. I left with nothing…my kids and I ate on a card table, my one son sleeps on the air mattress on the floor, etc., yet he tells everyone I “ransacked the house and took it all”.

        The schemes are endless….he plotted and planned so much, I wondered when in the world he had time to go to work. He even snuck home one afternoon and had coordinated with one of my kids to go to the police to file charges against me, then took my son away for two days without telling me where he took him. The court and social services did nothing to help me, but say they’d pray for me because he was horrible. Uh, thanks…but I was kinda hoping for a little more than that considering the amount I pay you people.

        For me, the hardest thing is dealing with the lies he tells our kids about me. I have 4 kids and they have been told that the child support money is their allowance and I’m accused of “robbing” them because I use it to pay for groceries and their care. He spins his lies convincingly and the only thing I have in my favor is that my kids are all older (13 to 19) so they are old enough to realize what he is and know I’m not the crazy monster bitch he tells them I am. Except for one kid (15) who is completely under his “spell” so to speak. His father dotes on him, buys him whatever he wants…while ignoring the others, so that kid gets the attention the others do not. He feels special, he feels like he’s his father’s confidant and he tells me that I’m a liar and can’t trust me. He parrots his father’s insanity through his words and actions. My other kids see it and pick on him and in a weird way, it fuels his need to be like his dad when he’s picked on. I treat him no differently than the others…I’m his mother regardless, but my heart is crushed because it seems like I’ve lost him to the narcissism of his father.

        There is no way to possibly explain to an outsider the psychological makeup of this man. The stories I can tell sound like I’m making it up. The crazy thing is…I was married to him for 26 years and had become so used to his behavior that not a whole lot phases me. To others that hear what I say, they are mortified. To me, it’s just his typical behavior. So…of course I feel as though I’m brainwashed. I often feel like my life was stolen from me, and I allowed it to happen. It cost me thousands in legal fees. It took me years to save $22K for this divorce and it’s gone…I still owe about $12K.

        Before our divorce was final, he kicked my daughter out of the house to make room for his girlfriend and her children. I was replaced SO FAST….and it hurt. Until I read about how these people think, I took it personally. The thing I hang onto is this…he cannot love. He cannot have real emotion. If he cannot show love and genuine kindness to 4 children who are good kids, he lacks the ability to do so.

        They fight dirty. You fight for your freedom and they fight to win at any and all costs. It might not seem like it now, but little by little you will get your life back. The more time you spend away from the insanity, the more you get to create and build the life you were meant to have. The harsh realization, based on what I’ve gone through personally, is that when I realized that no one in a position of authority gives a damn, shit or flying fuck about you personally, it meant I had to get the strength to do it all on my own and draw strength from within me I didn’t know I had. Discovering pills to treat genital herpes (I’m not infected) in his belongings gives me a little leverage, too ;-) I don’t know if his live-in girlfriend/maid knows he has it or not, but it seems like every time we fight and I ask if she knows, the wind is knocked out of his sails and he leaves me alone for a while. Good luck to all of you.

    • Terry
      May 9, 2013

      Leana, you are right. It is why I have security cameras up at my house after both her psychiatrist and our family doctor told me that I needed to “protect” myself from her – in every sense of the word. They called it a “character disorder.” She spent us into a financial hole. I tried to “fix” it by refinancing our home — 3 times. But she did it again and perfected the lies in trying to hide from me. She denied she was doing anything, all the while was spending like a mad woman. I was a fool to believe her for so many years, and now I am paying the price because the law is structured so that SHE is the victim, and entitle to my full support, despite having destroyed or burned almost everything that was in the house that she didn’t take. She even won a lottery and then falsified a sworn affidavit, saying she had no money to pay even her own phone bill. That is when I stopped paying the phone bill. And that’s when she cancelled my car insurance. Tens of thousands of dollars in the bank, and SHE can’t even pay her phone bill. And has to rain on me by continuing with me paying everything, just to save a lousy credit rating.

  • leana
    August 9, 2012

    Calmly standing in truth does not work with these types of people. They would just increase the level of manipulation, framing you, blacking your good name, setting you up with false charges, turn family and authorities against you. They destroy your life if you try to leave them or tell the truth about them. It works, because they are ruthless when it comes to lying and making you into the bad guy. They protect their image at all costs. All costs. They never face consequeces. They never face the truth. And there isn’t much you can do once they start their campaigns and frame jobs against you.
    Standing in truth has ZERO affect on them. It will affect YOU badly though. They will teach you a lesson for daring to speak the truth.
    The only advice I have for people dealing with cluster Bs (narcissist/BPD/sociopaths) is seek good therapy once you finally do manage to leave this toxic relationship. And move far, far away. Disengage completely. Keep your friends totally separate from the personality disordered. If the crazy is your family member, you’ll have to go no contact with your entire family. You have do disconnect completely. Build anew. It’s feels like you’re in the witness protection program…you have to cut ties completly with your old life and start from scratch completely anew. Because once you leave, the cluster B does not stop harrassing you. In fact they intensify the mind games, the smear campaigns, they try to get you fired, they keep on trying to turn everyone in your life against you. I’m serious. Integrity and truth work for normal people. It will not work on a personality disordered person. In fact, it will have the opposite effect. It will only inflame them. It will only cause their need to destroy you to skyrocket to levels you hadn’t imagined possible.

    • Jannette
      April 23, 2014

      This cannot be stated any more correctly. I feel the exact same way. But I have a minor child. Is it right to move him away from his home and family (and his NARC father)? I have suffered the consequences of more abuse for standing tall and taking the high road. It infuriates him even more without his narcissitic supply.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    August 9, 2012

    Hi Leana,

    you are discussing your personal example and the examples of dealing with narcissists ‘contemporarily’.

    I deal with thousands of examples as well as my own personal example of a high level sociapathic pyschopathic narcissist.

    I can assure you that every one of us is a Vibrational Creator of the highest order, and when WE shift our pain, fear, injustice emtional charges and clean up our unfinished unhealed business reagrding narcissitic abuse in our life, that the narcissist does stop, we do break free and we no longer live the pain and fear of narcissitic reality.

    Leana have you ever worked on or addressed yourself at this level? Have you ever investigated your unhealed unfinished buisness. Have you ever healed ‘what happened to you’ at a level where you reached peace, calm, forgivenss, resoltuion etc. reagrdless of what is going on ‘outside of you’?

    Have you ever reached those levels and then lived and experienced the results of that?

    Because plenty of people have… and that is what recovery, freedom and creating a real authentic life is all about.

    Mel xo

    • Leana
      August 22, 2012

      Mel, if you deal with thousands of sociopathic narcissists then I am surprised you’ve managed to maintain your belief that any change on OUR part will cure the narcissist. Or that any act on our part will stop the abuse. No, the only shift in ourselves that could possibly stop the maltreatment is to leave the sociopath. To disengage completely and run the other way. And even then, THEIR dysfunctional behaviors will still NOT change. It’s just that we are hopefully not around for the abuse. I’m surprised you believe sociopaths/narcissists can change. Even more surprised that you feel that You/We can change them! It just doesn’t work like that. Not with abusers.

      Are you suggesting that abused children brought it on themselves? That a baby’s vibrations caused their parent to abuse them? That if we just meditate hard enough on changing our vibrations we can save ourselves from a sick abuser who derives pleasure from torturing and dominating a vulnerable source??? Well, the abusers would love for everyone to believe that. That the power to change them lied in someone elses hands. They already believe the abuse is the victim’s fault, why not take it a step further and proclaim the cure for their abusive behavior also lies in the victim’s response to them.

      Yes, I have worked to free myself from an abusive upbringing. And no, none of the work I did to heal had one iota of effect on my BPD mother. She still has a personality disorder. She’s still throwing tantrums, lying, manipulating to get her way. The hysterics and the dish smashing, knife throwing goes on…I just leave my father to deal with it now. She is still an abusive personality. It’s just she’s abusing someone else now. Although she does still do smear campaigns against me, still lies, all her never ending attempts to invalidate me and punish me for ….leaving, going no contact, and getting healthy. I don’t deal with her directly or at all. She “gets to me” via family and I occassionally get word about all the smearing she is doing. I don’t respond. I have moved on. I have disengaged. She has not. You have read some of the responses here about the crazy x-gf threatening to drum up false charges and get their ex arrested. My own mother does the same kind of stunt against her own daughter. What was my crime? The same as all the others here…I’d had enough and “divorced” my mother. I put up boundaries. I attempted to disengage from an abusive, controlling personality. That’s a big NO NO to an abuser. They are jealous, selfish, childish personalities that WILL seek revenge on you if you attempt to stand up for yourself, speak the truth, or disengage from their abusive grasp.

      No change on our part can change an abuser. But we can save our own lives. But it takes real objective action–not prayer, not vibrational change. A mere attitude change on our part will not cut it. Careful planning, a well thought out escape plan, a support system are needed. As well as enough gumption and self-esteem to leave. A lot of abusers brainwash their victims into complacency, low self-esteem, and powerlessness.

      Positive thinking and personal change are wonderful and can have a profound affect on HEALTHY people. It will NOT, however, stop a personality disordered person from abusing you.

      • Melanie
        August 22, 2012

        Leana,

        truly you are missing the entire point. I make no claim of curing or changing narcissists. My claims and substantiated work is about CURING OURSELF.

        This is the deal – narcs don’t change – but we can. And when we empower ourself, get healed, no longer hang on to the pain, no longer hand over narc supply (even energetically as a result of still obsessing, hurting and emotionally charging), and whenwe understand WE are responsible for our own wellbeing and can create and implement great and healthy boundaries, narcs no longer operate in our reality and can’t touch or hurt us – they no longer exist in our life!

        And this happens time and time again with thousands of people I have assisted to get to this level.

        Then your become the good stuff, and you have the space and energy to create the real stuff instead of being stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of hardwired attarction and attachment to abuse…

        I was tormented beyond description – I now have a totally narc free life. Is my ex narc still doing what he does YES! But not to me!

        NO-ONE can abuse you Leana if you no longer allow it..and if you are no longer a match emotionally, and if they are no longer your reality (or truth)…

        THEN they have no power over you…and that is what recovery is..

        If you are recovered and you have detached then why aren’t you actually focused on and doing great stuff rather than posting about how narcs behave? And why are you still going into massive detail about the narcissists in your life?

        I’d be really interested to know your answer…

        Mel xo

    • Leana
      August 22, 2012

      Otherwise, your article is spot on. I just disagree with the one tiny part–which is the belief that the truth always wins out or that it is even safe to speak the truth. When you’re dealing with a manipulative abuser, a person like this is charming and used to getting their way. They are used to getting away with their lies. And frankly, the do get away with it. These are the types of people who’ve been lying all their life and are masterful at it. For these people, the lie always wins out. Its why they keep doing it. Because it works. It’s been working for them all their lives. People buy into their charm and their lies. The truth does not stand a chance with a sociopath in the mix. Goodness does not win out. When you’re involved with a sociopath/narcissist everything is backwards. The bad wins. The good loses. The evil triumphs, the righteous suffer. The lies work like a charm, the truth gets buried. And anyone who dares speak the truth will get invalidated, smeared, and ultimately, isolated.

      When does any of this toxic formula change? Only when you remove the toxic person completely from your life and sphere of influence.

      • Rebecca
        March 22, 2013

        The truth does win out in the end, but ONLY if you have healed first. I was married for 18 years to a man who was dr Jekyll/ mr. Hyde. When it was great I quit my career to stay at home and raise our 3 children. The last 5 years of my marriage to him were misery because I was left to be the sole parent of 2 high needs children along with a dying father-in-law. As I started to realize that I didn’t have to allow my life to be miserable, I started setting boundaries. That was the beginning of the end and he demanded a divorce 9 months ago. There isn’t enough room to even outline all the craziness that he created after that – all because I hired a top lawyer right away and expected full legal disclosure of assets. We have shared custody of 65/35 (me 65) but it isn’t enough for him. He has harassed me almost every week for the last 9 months and there are days where I feel shell-shocked. Between God, therapy and Melanie, I quickly started doing the minimal contact (it took me 4 months to make it complete and hold it). Because of this I have so much documentation of events, harassment and his controlling behavior. He filed 2 weeks ago an ex-parte to take sole custody, 6 hrs of supervised visitation and make ME take an anger class for 52 weeks. Each point is easy to refute with documentation so my lawyer laughed and stated for me to stay calm, keep being the mom I always have, do not become aggressive back and the courts will see him for who he is. Real truth takes time to come out – if we run away and don’t fight in the right way we are not healed. I wanted to be able to run away at first, but because of my kids I stayed. I don’t regret a day of pain, because I’ve been healing from everything, not just this crazy person.

        • Ali
          December 12, 2013

          Rebecca,
          You are a lucky person. Your court cases didn’t take that long. But there are people, including me, who have to fight in the court for years and years. Sometimes I doubt the truth will come out. I hope the truth comes out earlier, if it ever comes out. If it comes out after I die, it is useless/meaningless.

      • Terry
        May 9, 2013

        I totally agree with you, Leana. Nobody seems to care about the truth, even when you calmly, methodically and rationally point it out to them. The don’t care because they just see everything as a “process” to get through. It’s why governments manipulate the truth. It truly doesn’t stand a chance, and nice guys finish last.

      • Ali
        December 12, 2013

        Hi Leana,
        I agree with you. I also disagree that “the truth always wins out”. The truth wins out only when enough efforts have been made to make it win out. Otherwise, it doesn’t win on its own. The problem is we don’t know how much effort it takes (or we are impatient sometimes and give up making efforts). But don’t lose your hope. Ultimately you will win.

  • Jimmy
    August 12, 2012

    Hi,

    I just ended a 6 month relationship after falling in love with and being abused by a female with NPD. I will attempt to descride what I experienced so hopefully it might help someone elses pain and suffering.
    I met her on New Years Eve…she was introduced to me by one of her friends who said she needed a dance partner because she was there without a date. She was very pretty, had a beautiful smile and eyes.
    In talking with her, she was open about having suffered several past marriages and said one of failures was her fault. She came across as very honest and straightforward and was a lot of fun. We exchanged phone numbers that night and I offered to drive her home as she had rode there with her friend and had been drinking quite a bit. I was completely sober and had no intentions of being dis-respectful….just offering a ride, but instead she called her daughter to pick her up.
    She called me the next day to thank me for a wonderful evening and as we talked we decided we would go out dancing again that evening. The evening went great and she was again a lot of fun and seemed to be loving my company as well. At the end of the evening I drove her home and was invited in to visit. We spent 2-3 hrs talking about our past lives and things we enjoy in life and it was amazing all the things we actually had in common. After talking, we said good night and I left for the place I was staying. I was in town visiting and helping an old dear friend with setting up and running a sound system on New Years. The next day, we talked again and went out for lunch at the local Shoneys and after visiting with her several more hours, we shared a loving goodbye and after getting my stuff at my friends , I drove home …..about 100 miles.

    During the next 6 weeks we spent almost every available weekend moment together during which she started suggesting changes in my appearance…..she said it would make me look better, she started being more reserved about answering any personal questions, she informed me of her Ex who she claimed to still have feelings for and who she claimed was still calling and stopping by and aggravating and pestering her, she let me in on how she was having trouble making ends meet even though she worked a steady job, but was determined to take care of herself.
    During those weekends, we went out every night, I paid for everything…..Well, except for her buying my dinner on my birthday, that Sunday. The night before, she got mad after asking me at midnight when the place we was at was closing …” what I wanted to do”…..which I replyed, we can go to another place , but as far as me ..I’d just as soon go back to the house. For that I got my first look at her anger and a 2 hour silent treatment. I stayed awake all night trying to figure out what I had done, as I had explained that I only wished to go home to spend time alone with her, and maybe even have a drink with her, since I don’t drink and drive.
    The next day she was distant and verbally attacked me every chance……I guess that was my real birthday present from her. I should note that before I left that evening to return home, she started telling me of how she had spent the money she was gonna live on till next payday on my birthday dinner, and asked to borrow $20. I gave her $20 and said she didn’t need to repay me.
    By the time…about 6 weeks into the relationship……that we had our first big episode, she had convinced me she was hard to please and had become very demanding and complained about everything I did, thought, or wanted to do…..said I talked too much etc. She said if I wanted to continue seeing her I was just gonna have to accept her as she is. The problem with that to me is that she was ever evolving and spinning so to speak. I never really knew exactly where I stood. But I was beginning to really care for her and enjoying the good times and I thought …..maybe I am to blame for some of the bad times….

    At the 6 week point, she …without any clue , warning, or sign started giving me the silent treatment. After much soul searching and suffering and repeated attempts to get her to call me , she texted me and said she was stressed and needed “some space”. After repeated attemps to get her to talk to me, I told her how cruel she was being, since I had done nothing to hurt her…only try to understand her and be there for her and help her.
    She then sent me the famous ” I think we just need to be friends” text.
    I was devastated, confused and hurt , to say the least and became very depressed. I endurred 2 more weeks of silent treatment, wrote sad songs, etc. and imagined all the worst.
    Just as I was starting to snap out of it and move on, I get a text from her asking if I was O.K. After about three days of her texting she finally called. She then proceeded to tell how she had been so stressed with the Ex bothering her and all, and that she couldn’t seem to get past him and that she had indeed started seeing him again …..and had slept with him.
    At that point, I broke down and told her I could no longer carry on the conversation.
    The next few days were scattered infrequent texts applogizing about how she had hurt me and how she now realized I really carred for her and had done nothing to hurt her, and how sorry she was.
    She then called a few days later telling me how she was sick and was going to have to have major dental work and no one really give a crap about her enough to care. She said if I really cared, I would be there for her and take care of her.
    I left 10 minutes later, drove 100 miles and took care of her as best I could…taking her to the dentist, driving her to the pharmacy, drove her home and stayed with her until 4am …until I had to leave and drive home to be at my job by 7am. I even offered to take off work that day , but she insisted she was going to be fine and go to work herself. Well, she decided at work time that morning, she was still to sick to go to work, so she called in. She let me know that evening and made comments about how she really needed that money from the missed work day. I assured her I would help ,if she ran short.
    About a week later she asked me if I had paid the un-insured part of her bill…behind her back….to which I said , “no, but I would have to help you, if you needed me to”. She told me the dentist office said she didn’t owe anything and was going to find out who paid it or what happened. She also throwed in that her Ex had a habit of doing things like that in the past.
    We patched everything up and started seeing each other every weekend for about a month, and she informed me she needed some time to herself and didn’t want to see me that weekend. She complained that her schedule was a lot less flexible than mine and she had stuff to do……to which I replied…that I could help her and with 2 of us working on them, we could get more done. She let me know she didn’t need my help and sometimes needs her space and suggested I go play music that Friday evening with my friends at a gig close to my home. She said she knew I missed giging with then and that would be good for me and she could do some catchin’ up on the stuff she needed to do.
    She didn’t call or text that day until about 9:50pm…..I was on stage until 10 and couldn’t respond for about 15 min. She texted that she had been a bad, bad girl tonight and would call me later when she calmed down and composed herself.
    Upon leaving the gig after the loadout, I texted her and asked if she wanted me to turn south and head her way, and was she O.K.
    She then sent me a text saying,’ Don’t come here unless you are bringing me a Princess Cut diamond ring. After thinking…What the hell, I texted her back and said I’d call her when I get to my house …in about 45 minutes.
    I called as some as I arrived and asked her about the ring text and about what was going on. She told me than any man that really wanted to be with her was gonna have to give her a princess cut engagement ring.
    She then proceeded to tell me….in her drunken state, that she had been convinced to go out with her Ex and that he had embarrassed her on the dance floor …telling her, if she wanted a ride home she had better come on as he was leaving NOW.
    I then broke down and told her I couldn’t believe how she has treated me and that I needed to get off the phone. She kept telling me how …I… knew she still had feelings for him , and that ..he…. was just out for booty call like all other men. I told her how she had hurt me over and over and that I no longer could se her and be treated in such a way. She then pleaded…”You’re not gonna give up on me ..are you?
    The next week was filled with sporadic texts appoligizing and telling me how she had never been treated as good as I treated her, and that my love was a real eye opener for her, and she realized now she truly loved me.
    I have never been perfect and I never ever cheated on her, and I told her so. I decided after a week of hell…Yes I still loved her and I missed her terribly and I agreed to try again….but she must also actually try and not just talk about it.
    The next two weeks was a sort of honeymoon phase for her, glad to have not lost me, but at the same time, wanting to put the past behind us. About to weeks later she tells me she needs a weekend to herself, and I’m in horror thinking about the past experience. In telling her and trying to talk to her about it, she blamed me for not trusting her, and said I was just just tryin’ to use her…like all other men. She then let me know I needed to get a nicer automobile…..so That if she decided to go out with me,,” I could take her out in style”
    I told her I had been lookin’ for a nicer vehicle for a year, but hadn’t found the one I was looking for, and that when I do get one….I won’t get it to take her out in style…but rather to take me out in style.
    I then told her I was done and I didn’t care to see her again.

    After about 10 days of silent treatment, she starts texting again and tells me I misunderstood what she meant…..That she thought I owed it to myself to drive a nicer auto.
    As things happen ironically, I had just made a deal on one during the break-off.
    She started telling me I was going to have to trust her and start accepting her as she is .
    Long story Huh? Well, we patched up again…with me making the concessions as always and for a month and a half sailed pretty smoothly…..until she started making requests, demands, belittling me, letting me know I did everthing wrong, misunderstood everything, thought more of my Ex than her because I pay a monthly maintenceas per the divorce decree, I talk too much, I talk about music all the time and it bores her, I CAN’T SWIM..and she likes to swim, I’m too critical of why she insists on Burning herself up in her tanning bed, or how she dwells on her beauty thing too much, and that if I really wan’t a life with her I’m gonna have to marry her without a prenup or any kind of agreement, etc.,etc.,etc.
    She would not let me plan our vacation as she had the excuse that she didn’t know exactly when she could leave, etc. and then blamed me for not making arrangements. After her saying everything she could to hurt me…and throwing about how good her Ex was in my face, I helped her pack and told her it was best she left my home
    After 10 days of silent treatment she wanted to talk again, so I agreed to drive down on Sat. morniung , have breakfast..me paying of coourse…and have a good long heart to heart. After 3 hours of settling nothing, I told her if she wanted to be friends, she would need to tell me, because I could no longer see a future with her. She had tears in her eyes as I left and texted me 60 miles toward home appoligizing for being bad company and saying she was just stressed. I called her as I was driving and said she was not bad company….it’s just that we don’t see things the same and I can’t continue this rollercoaster relationship.
    She then went so crying uncontrolably and was incoherent and hung up. I pulled off the road and texted her that I could come back and talk again if she wanted. She texted back…it was up to me. I replyed…no, You tell me if you want me to turn around.
    She did …I went back, she acted like nothing had really happened, we went out that night, she actually made love to me, instead of the usual short, sweet , my way or no way which shows no emotional attactment, and stupid me decided to give her a last chance the next day. We talked and decided we had too much going for us and we would both try to make it work.
    The next weekend she was back to needing time to herself, accusing me of not trusting her and all the same old baggage.
    By the wednesday following that weekend she, without a sign, clue, or anything starts giving me another silent treatment.
    After repeated atempts to get her to talk, with no success, I placed a call to one of her daughters asking then to call me. I became worried the she had taken seriously ill or had been in an accident. About three hours after calling the daughter and texting her to see if she was O.K., she texted me she was O.K. and to not bother her kids.
    I texted back that I was just trying to find out if she was O.K. and to tell her daughter I am sorry if that bothered her.
    On the 9th day of the silent treatment, I went out on a limb and placed a call to her Ex and introduced myself to him. I talked with him for about 25 minutes in which I explained what I had been told and in which he shared with me her history of treating men bad in all of her relationships, silent treatments, lies, tyrades and fits she had made, using all of them, and doing it with no remorse whatsoever…..it was and is all about her. Really a sad story and he told me he had to get treatment after he finally got away from her. It seems she’s playing everyone in her life, for her gain and to feel that power she needs to feel. He told me what had been happening to me by telling me there story. I thanked him and we exchanged numbers and he finished by telling …Good luck with your feelings!

    I had sent her three texts before I called him explaining how she let him own and control her and telling her it was her choise and I was done. I told her GOOD-BYE

    After talking to him, I decided in the name of fair play and as a gift …..I told her this…”I just had a 25 min talk with one of your old friends..and let me be the first to nominate you for an Oscar for your acting”

    The silent treatment broke after 3 more hours with her texting and wanting to know WHO I talked to. I was again on the phone to him and we have agreed to neither tell her.

    After another 2 hours she texted again telling me to stay away from her or she would have me arrested.

    I will not contact her again and It is my true belief that the un=knowing of who I talked to or what was discussed combined with the newly imposed silent treatment that she will recieve instead of dishing it out will Drive her even more insane.

    I must note that I do not like game playing ,but I feel her dilema is worth me making an effort.

    More later!

    • m
      May 13, 2013

      Hi
      I went through the exact same thing, just dropped her one month ago. was with her one and off for 1 years.
      Did she finally leave you alone???

      thanks for sharing. M

  • ERIN
    August 15, 2012

    I will try to limit the length of my experiences with my 9 year old son father, whom he has only seen three times since the day my son was born. I am a single mother and it makes things ten times hard for me to deal with because of it. I left him before my son was even born because of his behavior. I don’t regret having my son, he is an awesome kid and I love him, but I do regret failing to recognize that his father was, and still is, an extreme narcissist before I started sleeping with him. Omg, what a nightmare! About three months ago, my son started asking about his dad and why he wasnt around and that he wanted to look for him so he could actually know who his dad is. Before I forget, I have to say that my son has behavioral and emotional problems which go back roughly seven years. Diagnosis was O.D.D and mood disorder. Mentally unstable if you will. How ironic because his dad is mentally unstable as well! My son is on medication, in therapy three times a week, and social services are involved at MY request. So anyway, I agreed to look for his dad and found him a few Weeks into my search. He was in jail, no less. Shocking…..not! I still agreed to let my son see his dad and brought a friend with me for safety reasons since I hadn’t seen him in ten years. He was released from jail the day I found out where he was. Total backfire with that one. Anyway, initially, my sons dad was super excited (or at least I thought he was…it was all an act to gain brownie points lol). He was thanking me for giving him the opportunity to establish a relationship with his child. In reality, he was not genuine at all. He would promise things to our son, only for those promises to be broken every damn time. I never expected his dad to be a perfect parent because no parent is perfect, but his actions and behavior disgusted me. I tried to sit down and talk to him about how concerned I was for the way he was acting. I asked him to please be a little more mature and respect my requests. On the first day I let my son see his dad, his dad did nothing but Bragg about things he supposedly had (what a crock of royal s h I t), how great a catch he is (even though all of his other kids mothers were the ones who left HIM! How all of them were evil and how he was the victim in EVERY situation. I forgot how prefect he was.) He cannot be serious. He is I’m serious denial. Lies to everyone to get what he wants. He is motivated by material things instead of being motivated to actually step up as a father and spend time with his own son. Like Wtf? He would rather buy him self electronics to make him appear to be high tech, flashy, classy. He promised to get my sons hair cut at a cool barber shop his friend owned supposedly. Then he flashed money around (mooch money provided by his mother because he is a lazy s.o.b. who is too good to actually work.) He had this ridiculous frame of mind where he was entitled to everything he wanted. A grandiose attitude as though he knew it all and was above it all and above everyone. He cares nothing about how his son is being affected by this. He is also a pathological liar who believes his own outrageous stories. He is the type of person who, if things aren’t going his way, will go from nice, sweet and caring, to hostile threatening, condescending, defensive, etc in a matter of seconds. He is like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum for no reason. For example, when I told him I did not want my son around him or around that type of behavior, he flipped out telling me he was going to call the cops if I didn’t tell him where I was immediately. Claiming I was also withholding some personal items at my house and that I wouldn’t give him his stuff back. THEN it turned into him claiming he had already informed the police of what I was supposedly doing…..I was like what are you taking about? What stuff? What a liar. Said he was waiting for an officer to call him back so he could do a civil assist to retrieve property from my house. I thought to myself….GOOD, I want you to call the police. Do it. I would love to expose you. He then proceeded to tell me that the cops were on their way to my house and he was riding along with an officer. Six hours later, I was still waiting. Lol. Nobody showed up. An hour after that, he called and left me a lovely voicemail saying he was just going to leave things alone and that he guesses he’s just a jerk…..serious guilt trip FAIL! Come on now, did he actually think I was going to believe him? After all this short lived drama, I have decided to file for full custody of our son. He classically effed himself over when he sent me endless texts threatening my life, harassing me, leaving insane voicemails, slandering me to our son before cutting off all contact. Calling over fifty times a day! I have proof of all of his shenanigans. Everything. But being the narcissist that he is, he believes he is above the law and that has more power than a judge because he is an “excellent father and superior to everyone” . Yeah right. He is in for a rude awakening. But the question is, how do I go about actually informing him after I file for sole custody? If I call or text him, isn’t that giving him the attention he craves? He has a history of spouting off on a whim. I don’t want to provoke anymore drama, but feel as though it is unavoidable. He doesn’t really want to be in his Childs lives, he had other kids by other women and did the same thing to them. Difference between me and them, I don’t let people walk all over me. I care enough about my son and myself to not let a total narc ruin our lives. He can try, but he is already failing at his own game. There’s more to this story, but this has already turned into a novel haha.

  • Trina
    September 11, 2012

    The hardest thing we deal with is planning or phoning the children. If you “allow” her to give you options as to dates and visits, and you agree, just to keep the peace, all of a sudden, she comes back with you are bullying me and making me accomidate you and that the schedule all of a sudden is not condusive. She lies on all of her financial statements and it has costs of thousands of dollars and she still remains in contempt of court with failure to produce docs. It is tiring and we are going bankrupt. She calls everything harassment, abuse and the interrogation of the children after they visit us is sickening. She says they have been “free and clear” of any counselling, and therefore will not allow us to take the children to counselling. WE live in hell right now. Trial is in December, if she once again doesn’t try a stall tactic.

  • Carol
    September 23, 2012

    My fiancé is going through a custody battle right now with the mother of his young daughter. They had never been married, so he was sparred that nightmare. Since the temporary custody order seven months ago giving him 51% physical and legal custody, she has spent her time making outlandish accusations against him of conspiracy, false CPS reporting, murder threats, police and Federal agency investigations, along with other lies about job offers and housing arrangements to relocate herself half way across the country.
    Last week we had the great pleasure of deposing her. All I can say is OMG! Not only does she meet the characteristics of NPD, but also psychopath. After she left the deposition, her own attorney, stunned, asked our attorney “What the hell was that?”, to which our attorney stated “She’s nuts.”
    Now with all of the ammunition she has provided, we are subpoenaing all of the agencies and individuals she named in her bold faced lies given under oath.
    Karma is a B**** and she will be riding in on a white horse when we take this to trial.

  • boz
    October 9, 2012

    hi all

    iam going througha divorce at the moment ..with my wife of twelve years..we have two kids one boy and one girl ,,girl is 10 and boy is 9..6 roughly 6 years ago i caught her talking to men on the internet and was very upset over it but she convinced me it was just bordem…then two years after that i cught her again only this time the phone was involved and she conversed with him for a yaer or two and she used her real name ..when i caught her she again convinced me it was nothing and she had no feelings for this man …now let me explain my self for a bit ..i am a hard working man ..i wirk alot of nights and earn good money .i am a dedicated family man ,,most of my focus was providing for my family and to give my kids a good upbringing..ii loved my wife alot to the point i think was almost worshipping ..she never cooked or cleaned the house or looked after the kids properly ..in that i mean sometimes kids whent to bed with there school clothes on ..they were always late for school ..she never made me lunch for work ..her life was going out meeting with girlfriends for lunch and socialising..now during our marriage she put on weight after giving birth to kids ..she was to lazy to go gym so ii ended up paying for lap band surgery she was very over weight but she wanted it so i let her get it ,then after a year she lost weight ..her girlfrinds al wanted to go over seas for cosmetic surgery..she always complained that i never show her trust..and she wanted to go to get a tummy tuck and her breast lifted,,so again to make her happy i sent her..my mum stayed with us for 3 months to help wathch the kids with me and she went ..when she came back she was very cold towrds me and kids ..the third night back i questioned the coldness and we got into a arguement and she said she didnt want to be married anymore …my world came crashing down …i begged her to reconsider and i offered counseling but she said she had no drive to fix the marriage …the next morning i got the kids and left the house and drove to qld …when she realised what i did she went crazy as to why i did what i did..then all family got involved…while i was in qld ,,i started calling and ivestiagting with the girlfriends and calling her close cousins and asking them what had happened because things just wernt right ,,spending 3 months away from kids and husband and coming back cold just wasnt right ..and eventually her cousin slipped and said to someone else that she was seeing a man over seas …she called and begged me to let her come next to me and kids to try and fix things after a lot of begging i accepted …she came and again i felt the coldness ..the next day questioned her about her about how she was gooing about how to fix this if she was still being cold ..that is when she told me that she had loved the lifestyle over seas that when she was there she had regreted being married and kid were holding her back from from that life style ..i told her that if she wanted that life style that i would sell up everything and we would move threre but she said that i wasnt in that senario and then she begged me to let her go…so i told her that i can not force her to stay and she told the kids that she was leaving them to go back over seas and told them she would come and see tham when they were older ,,,,we dropped her of at the airport and she kids the kids and let us walk off..the very next morning she called me and started begging me to forgive her and she wanted me back but by then i was too hurt ..she had met up with this man over seas and spent time with him …after more ivestigation i forund her phone records and found out she had been talking to this guy for years …i have lost trust ..and im thinking that if a woman could even consider leaving jher kids must of had a very emotional connection with this man or even pysical..i return back to the sate we live and whent striaght to my brothers house with my kids ..she has now decided she doesnt want to go over seas and she wants me to give her another chance …but i refused because i have lost the trust ..deep inside it kills me that she could do that to me a man that had dedicated my life to try and make her happy and give her everything she wanted …we are due for court soon becuase im fighting to have full custody of my kids..because i feel she is not fit to be a good mother ..and i can give the kids a better life than her ..

    this is the first time im writing this i just needed to get it off my chest ..

    • Gaby
      January 20, 2013

      When the trust is gone…it’s over. Please make yourself strong as Melanie says. Stay in the truth and document.

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    October 14, 2012

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  • Penny
    November 2, 2012

    I sent an email to my ex husband (separated 9 yrs ago) to let him know that I have to move for a job. Our 9 yr old daughter lives primarily with me, and visits with him. He is being very quiet…I am just waiting for an emergency court order to be given to me to try and stop me from moving with her.

    Today
    20:29

    I need to vent about what happened over the past 2 weeks.

    I am unemployed and searching for a job in my field as a MLT. These jobs are in hospitals, and the hospitals are few and far between, and the jobs are either contract or very few hours, until you are in the door at least a year, and then you may get more.

    I have been unemployed since July, when my last contract work ended in my home town. I have been interviewing for jobs all over Canada, but focusing in my home province of Ontario. Hopefully getting a permanent, not contract job offer. Well, I did get 2 permanent job offers. One in north Manitoba, and one in Hanover (2.5 hr drive from my home town). They wanted me to start asap, so I signed the offer letter, and they told me I start in 2 weeks. OK…..get into gear…..start packing, send email to ex husband letting him know me and our 10 yr old daughter are moving, find a new place in new town, etc, etc, etc…..

    So, when I send the email to the ex, I mention that since Amanda will be 2.5 hours away, mid week visits will not happen, so instead, you can have her every weekend, one week at xmas, and 1/2 the summer. and we meet 1/2 way for exchanges.

    I got a response — from his lawyer. Amanda is to live with him, and I get 3 weekends a month visit, but I have to drive the whole distance myself. That’s 5 hours friday, and 5 hours sunday, on roads that are closed in the winter sometimes!!

    So, I do not agree with his terms. Emergency court action is taken. Today was that day….the day from hell!!!

    He has a fancy expensive lawyer from Toronto. I represent myself after having 2 lawyers quit and walk out on my due to his inability to negotiate with my ex husband. I get the legal papers on Monday night after office hours. I am suppose to response 4 days before court, well he made that impossible….so, I went into court today.

    The judge read the 25 pages (yes, 25 pgs of BS) my ex’s lawyer had prepared to make me look like !@#$%^&*, and I had one page, quickly scrawled out.

    The judge sided with my ex, taking his word about me and the lies. The judge (a female too) made me choose between taking the job and moving away without my daughter OR staying in town and ditching the job!!!

    My NPD ex husband was gloating, thinking that he finally ‘won’ my daughter, and that he would have her in his home permanently. But, I choose to ditch the job and stay for my daughter. I couldn’t let my daughter live with him, his NPD and his wife, who I think is also NPD, and stepdaughter who is mean to my daughter.

    CAN ANYONE HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!??????

    I need a lawyer who understand NPD and can fight and put this !@#$%^&* where he belongs…..

    I need to fight for this daughter. The 3 older kids went through this 10 years ago, and had devastating lasting effects on them. One of my sons ended up in foster care……

  • Penelope
    November 22, 2012

    I had to switch lawyers because my first one didn’t seem to care my ex-boyfriend was an abusive narcissist. My 2nd lawyer has 30 years experience and told me it wasn’t the worse case but it wasn’t the best case either. My ex-boyfriend as Melanie’s article above tried to do EVERYTHING he could to make me look like a bad parent when it was HIM who had been absent. It’s very true. My truth won. My lawyer had me forward all the emails AND text messages that my ex-boyfriend was abusing me with. He took every note I made about my ex-boyfriend. It’s a good idea to note the date, time and situation NO matter how small you think. In the end, my ex-boyfriend had exhausted everything he could do. I won sole custody.

  • vic
    November 26, 2012

    I was dating a N. we split up in September when i found out he had been cheating on me. he got angry with me because i found out. he owes me thousands of pounds and i am going to take him to small claims court for all the money he owes me. to this day he has convinced the girl he was having an affair with behind my back that i was his landlady and that our relationship was all in my head. i know his world will come tumbling down one day and i cant wait for others too see him for what he is

  • Kat
    January 12, 2013

    I lost my daughter in a custody battle to my sociopathic ex. We did a custody eval with an evaluator who had no experience with this and was given an extra $500 for his testimony by my ex’s lawyer. (Don’t trust lawyers on either side) I have been dealing with the lies and manipulation for years now just so I can keep in contact with my daughter. She is old enough and wants free of him, too, but is too afraid because he threatens her. I really don’t know what to do at this point since we would be going in front of the same judge and he obviously was too weak himself to see the manipulation and lies, even though he continually would say something just doesn’t seem right. All he could come up with was that I was somehow influencing my daughter’s subconscious with my subconscious. What?! Anyway, we’re just afraid that since he got custody and his lies were shown time and time again as evidence, that showing the past few years of lying and manipulation is still not going to get anywhere. This guy is a real winner. He’s got 3 other children he’s now abusing and somehow that’s my fault as well. The part that really gets me is his current wife, whom is very proud of the fact she was sleeping with him while we were still married has no idea he is using her family for their money and power. He doesn’t even live in the same house with them, claiming he couldn’t find work close to home and has to live a couple hours away because to commute is too much for him to handle. I’m guessing he’s got another family started where he is now. He’s gone thru 23 jobs of different genre’s in the past 24 years that I’ve known him.

  • Gaby
    January 20, 2013

    I have to say “amen” to this article. You will be attacked. You have to stay in the truth, you have to solidly prepare yourself emotionally to act with dignity and integrity, stay calm and collected no matter what you are subjected to. You will win as Melanie says. Documentation is the ally of truth. Document. My comment to Melanie, after finally concluding my divorce, is it’s particularly painful for those of us who are “co-narcissists” because we are extremely sensitive. I survived the divorce (and four other false legal accusations which I won). But, in spite of all the lies in the other four cases, I was not prepared for the “allies” who perjured themselves in my divorce process. I was left with a deep sadness for “humanity”. I knew the narcissist would lie, but, allies committing perjury? This I did not expect. I have become aware that there’s a lot of “sick people” out there. I am working on building very strong boundaries. We need them in a society that appears to be deprived of values. As a result of my divorce, at the age of 66, which is quite sad, I have become aware that my father was a narcissist… for a fact. I have had a pattern of choosing as partners the very people I should have avoided…more narcissists. Also, if you had a narcissistic parent, the disease may be present in the very family members to whom you go for support. Realizing all of this in a period of two months was difficut. It disoriented me. I have regained focus. I don’t want to become a victim again. Boundaries are a must. Check and double check who you let into your “life” and in what “capacity” or at what level of trust. A must to protect our precious self. I am precious with a beautiful shining soul. I don’t want anyone to take my “light”. Trust me, many will try. If you have a narcissistic parent, you are filled with self doubt and constantly seeking validation. You will become prey, a victim. As Melanie says, prepare yourself. My recommendation is that the first step be looking into your family of origin. I wish I had known –and done–this 30 years ago. It’s hard to to deal with it when your life is almost over. Resources were not availabe to me when I needed them, but they are available today. Make the most of them. Let your light shine, it’s yours and it will bring you joy, happiness and peace. These are not foreign to me in spite of my mistakes. But, I never had them while in a “loving” relationship because I “blindly” chose the wrong partners. My best wishes to all for regaining yourself and with it, peace, joy and happiness. You can overcome.

    • Renee
      January 25, 2013

      Hi Gaby,
      Your post is an inspiration to me. I am just now figuring out my family of origin and wish I would have understood it long ago. I to have chosen the wrong partners and have been prey way too many times. You make a great point about needing strong boundaries in our world today. Thank you so much for posting, I can relate on so many levels.

  • Chrisdel
    January 21, 2013

    I am in the middle of trying to negotiate a parenting plan and child support with my N husband I am trying to divorce. He would not help or spend time with the kids until I left and now he wants 50% custody. The court just ruled in a temporary parenting plan giving him 3 nights a week and me only Saturday mornings (never a full day with the children since I work M-F. I am a teacher so for 2 months out the year I’ll have 4 full days with my children. But what about the 10 months of the year? My husband was ordered to pay the max. amount of money and going back for more time than we asked for. He is being hit hard financially. I am wondering if the judge did this so we would both have things to negotiate with but now I find myself tying to negotiate with someone who has proven to me he is untrustworthy. How am I going to be a co-parent with a N. It has been severe emotional a little physical, and tremendous lies. I have have documented things with the police. I have an attorney and she was more aggressive than I thought she would be at the temporary hearing we had and I’m wondering if that was not the right approach? Any ideas? The court’s position is that it is best for the children to spend as much time with both the father and the mother. It seems I have no choice but to accept that if he says he wants them then the court is going to award that to him. This is what I’ve been told and this is what is happening. I am devastated.

    • Amy
      February 13, 2013

      Wow, I am a teacher too and something doesn’t seem right here. You should not be jeopardized because you are a teacher, in fact being a teacher lends itself to a schedule that will follow the children for 13 years. I too am in the midst of a custody battle and I have my children the majority of the time. I would definately brainstorm other options and have a serious conversation with your atty.

  • coco
    February 3, 2013

    I am going through what a majority of you are going through. It has been 6 years of horrendous abuse and I am going to take the steps and follow Melanie’s path to enlightenment and freedom. Thank you all for opening up and helping me on my journey. Please pray for me that I can be free and whole again. A special thanks to GL and MB! Much love to all of you.

  • Amy
    February 13, 2013

    After reading the article and reading the comments, I can hear my pain in many of the posts. Being married to a N for 15+ years and now going through a nasty and long legal battle, the lies and manipulation is so difficult. It is also so difficult for my children to understand. Unfortunately, their father has no idea that his behavior will negatively impact his future relationship with them, but nor does he care. I am working on setting myself free and releasing this abusive relationship. The N sees things one way, the court sees things another way, and God’s way is different way. Praying this will end soon and in a moral way.

  • Grant
    February 19, 2013

    It’s good to wait several years before marrying. It’s hard to tell cause the narcissists gain trust so easily.

    If they TRULY cared about your well-being they would respect your wishes and leave you alone, narcissists CANNOT do that, and when they do, they do it at their convenience.

    At the very least, if they want to change they should AT LEAST seek to get therapy, go to anger management, and psychiatric medicine for their condition.

    I’m actually very upset at the atmosphere these cultists paint, it’s repetitious. Charm the woman, have kids, turn everyone against the woman, get full custody of the kids, abuse them and or the woman, and leave the family with no means of support, while limiting essential child support programs. Disgusting.

    They also force people to feel guilty. In any relationship, I suggest keeping a personal digital recorder with you. ESPECIALLY during the pre-marital years.

    BS charm really makes it easier for them to push the blame on the woman actually pulling the weight and taking responsibility for their mistakes. As a man, this is sickening for me having to read through all this and not be upset. If you feel you are being cheated into feeling guilty, do what is right for you, at all costs.

  • Anita
    February 25, 2013

    I am currently in the middle of property and parenting settlement with my narc ex partner who so conveniently happens to be a lawyer.

    He has straight out lied about his financial position although being a lawyer for 7 years claims to be in debt. I have been ordered to pay him a lumpsum from finances that were given to me by family to set up a life for me and my son as the narc left us with nothing at all.

    I just cant believe what they can get away with!!! Makes you wonder what the law is there for

  • kenesha richardson
    February 28, 2013

    my husband and i are currently in a custody battle for his son with probably the most narcissistic woman i have ever met. She texts everything, never calls, so we have every single lie shes ever told in messages. her family has finally caught on, and is helping us. i just cannot believe how somebody can even keep up with all of these lies. i would get lost. how can you treat and expose your 3 children to this? it is just sad to me. she used drugs while pregnant, she knows we have her medical records, but she still lies about it.she agreed to a drug test, but has not taken it yet. she has a long history with cps, but makes up lies for it. the list goes on. it is a very stressful situation.

  • Jennifer
    March 4, 2013

    Hi, I married my husband when I was 21 and he was 18. I had a 2 year old from a former failed marriage and during my court ship with my husband he seemed like a loving, kind, and good man. I became pregnant with our child we very much wanted and life seemed good. We worked hard, went to church and I thought I had a perfect family. Not long into our marriage I noticed he became angry so very quickly over things he said I did or said and I would end up apologizing for things I knew I shouldn’t just to make the situation ok. He had an outgoing personality and some people referred to him as a flirt with an enormous ego. He is a fairly handsome man but for some reason I never belived he would cheat on me. After our son was born, I noticed the realtionship with my daughter changed. He seemed cold to her and at the age of five, she made the comment “I can tell daddy hates me by the way he looks at me.” Even knowing this, I felt like I had to try and make this work because not only did we have one child, we had two. Times were hard and we had to work had in order to try and have a good life for our family. After 26 years of marraige,he had an affair with his best friends wife and filed for a divorce. I did not know about the affair until 10 days after the divorce. That did not go as planned, the affair was exposed, the other woman did not leave her husband and my husband was ready to come back home two weeks after the divorce. My dad had just passed away and my only sister was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. I actually had a nervous breakdown. I agreed for him to return to the house and it took me two years to actually want to live. For the next five years times were good and bad, but he promised me he would never do anything like that to ever hurt me again. I so wanted to believe him. He was the only man I been with for 34 years. In July of 2011, he left again and I soon found out he had been having an affair with a yonger woman here in our small town. She divorced her husband and my ex feels the need to insure me he is never going to marry her or do anything for her. He is now telling me he wants out of the relationship with her and is sure we will be able to work this out. He uses me now during the week to cook for him, and then come Sat. night, the girlfriend spends it with him at his place. I was counselled by two different profesional counselors and they both assured me he is a narcissist. He has lied to this girl and to her family about me. He has been seeing not only me but many other women behind her back and she will not believe the truth. He tries to scare me by making all kinds of threats. As long as I do just what he says and makes everything about him he is ok. I know I need to break all ties with this man. I have tried but for some reason I always let him back in my heart. I just wonder if I will ever be strong enough to break away and find peace. I have loved him most of my life. I know I deserve better than this. I pray daily. I am almost ready to just give up. Is this what he wants to see happen?

    • one devotaed mom
      March 24, 2013

      I to turned to God and listened to everything I felt was from God, went as far as going to a christan counselor who continued to tell me to keep doing what I was doing to joining our bible study group at church. Let me tell you people for the most part want to support you, they do see what is going on but try to lift your spirits and help when in fact the trutch is noone wants to tell you what they really think of the N and from a distance it really isnt a relationship you would want your best friend or sister in, is it? So why would you want to continue to try to hold the titanic together with duct tape, it is doomed to sink he is an N after all there is nothing you can do for yourself or him to make him happy. After getting out I still have those feelings of what could I have done to make it all better, I did what I could do and you to have to realize this, there is life after and it it so much better than you could have imagined it to be. Take control of your life and find your happiness:-)

  • Leila
    March 9, 2013

    I am a lawyer, have recently been to court against my narcissist ex. Although an officer of the court, I was not believed due to the convincing behaviour of the N. It is a terrible time. I completely agree that the N tends to attract to them people of integrity. Think of your children, as I do. Detach, eep records, inform police. Whatever you need to do. Most importantly DETACH. If you are in court, attack very strongly from the outset. A N always backs if attacked very strongly. Use whatever means you have, even if it means jail time for them. They are relying on your compassionate, peaceful nature not to retaliate. Be strong. We all feel this way. Leila

    • metooJoe
      July 25, 2014

      thats just it…its hard to not be compassionate, peaceful and sweet and gentle when its my nature……passed on from parents and grandparents and generations of kind meek sweet personalities….

  • Michele
    March 18, 2013

    I was in a 28 year relationship with a narcissist, 19 of those married. I knew there were issues and problems in the relationship but I couldn’t ever put my finger on the center of it. After 18 years, I discovered the cheating. I continued to stay in it for 10 more years for my youngest child. It didn’t work. I went through a horrific divorce last year, he tried to lie and manipulate his attorney with broad sweeping craziness…I think it backfired on him. The attorneys sped up the process. We went to mediation and it was successful..that day only. Other than having to take care of the finances as agreed upon, he has done nothing else per the agreement. (He hid money, depleted our large savings account, depleted our personal account, cancelled credit cards, etc etc.) Now that the divorce is over, he has manipulated both my teenager and thirty something year old into believing I am the ‘crazy’ one, that I am the one that lied and manipulated. It breaks my heart after the years of raising and caring for my children that they are now believing everything he says. I have yet to find a counselor that actually helps me work through all this..I have been a stay at home mom for years..trying to find myself. It’s not easy.

  • Brittni
    March 22, 2013

    I just went through a very painful custody battle for my now 3 year old daughter. Her dad is a complete narcissist and managed to win sole physical and legal custody of my daughter whom he hadn’t had any contact with in over a year by his own choice and rarely supported financially regardless of his means to do so. I have two other young children to care for and have been ordered to pay $1200 a month in child support since the day he took my then 2 and half year old from me. I filed an appeal to the original decision with the hopes of revealing the truth to a new judge. But I was unable to pay a good enough attorney to help me. The attorney I did get did a horrible job and didn’t even attempt to disprove any of his lies. Every word he said to the judge was a lie, but since I couldn’t afford to file another appeal, I’m stuck with limited visits with my 3 year old daughter and no legal say in anything. I have some documentation proving his lies he told in court, but not enough to warrant my case to be modified. I am desperate to show the judge the truth. My daughter is so unhappy and screams every time she has to leave with him. I don’t give into his games, I don’t ever let him see me hurt or affected by his actions, but he is ruining my children’s lives and has forced me into bankruptcy. I just want what’s best for my daughter, but it’s so hard when I can’t afford a good attorney and not only is he an amazing liar, but he has more than enough money for a good attorney to make it even harder for me to fight him. What can I do to beat him? What can I do to reveal his lies? I can’t even press charges for perjury because there was no court reporter present at our hearing. For the sake of my daughter he stole from me and my other daughters, I need to show the court what a psycho he is and the truth behind all of his lies, I just don’t know how to do that on a limited budget. Its one thing to overcome a narcissist emotionally, but how do you effectively overcome one legally?

    • Katey
      March 26, 2013

      Brittni,

      See if there is a free legal service in your area. I went to one after a friend of mine told me of it and literally begged me to go until I went. The lawyer I met is now a good friend of mine. She heard my story and took my case immediately. She never asked for a dime and she helped me tremendously!

  • One devoted mom
    March 23, 2013

    What a refreshing thing to jump online and find I am not the only one who has tried everything I could to save a marraige that was doomed from day one, common denominator- a narcisstic ex. I am so very sorry for those who are enduring the same thing as I am, but stregnth in numbers, right? I too fell prey to a man 8 years older than me, all I saw at the time was a man who would be able to take care of a family, one who had his whole life together at the time I meet him, my freshman year in college. Little did I now at the time I was just fresh young and niave all things he preyed upon. Many break ups, theres clue #1, six years later we married. But little by little my freedom was being taken away first it was less time with my family, then it was control of any income I made or monies that my father would give me, after children it was worse yet, no job and everything needed a stamp of approval. I am thankful he gave me the chance to go back to school and become a radiologic technologist. Three years ago he set himself up nice and pretty buying us a new house and remodeling just as he liked, with our first house becoming a rental for extra income. Without the knowledge of our income and expenses I had no idea that he had pulled money from his first house to sock away for his rainy day. The next year was one bumpy ride finding text from girls that were inappropriate, hiding his phone and his personal life from me, the silent treatment, rages, and hits about my weight and how I was as a person-a lier cheat and theif as he refered to me, I carried on with his threat that I needed to change involving myself in church, exercise and an additional part time job I became so exhausted by his relentless demands. It all came to a head after the holidays one year ago he forced me out of our home with one suitcase with the promise that I would be able to save our marriage if I could “get better”. One week later I was signing over all my rights to our homes, retirement and only every other weekend with the three beautiful children in which I had raised nearly all their lives while he played super air national guard hero-military slang as I like to refer to him. My hope was placed in his hands by a seperation I thought I could make it all right, but his plans turned into a divorce. I was lost and so afraid I couldnt believe what was happening I was still trying to make him happy, while he toted my kids from the park to the movies and our home with his new girlfriend. Infuritated I rushed to what used to be my home and demanded to know what was happening he only threatened a restaining order on me from her and then told me “I love you but Im not in love with you” that was it, my turning point. I hired and attorney and recieved my half everything, my kids everyother week, our first house, and 1/3 his retirement. Needless to say I no longer wish to be that broken woman he made me, I am happy now with someone who is not afaid to tell me how much they love me or cherish me. I now believe in miracles and happily ever after!

  • Kathy Walker
    March 24, 2013

    My boyfriend and I split up a couple of weeka ago and he is continuing to tell lies everything he acuses me of is really him and he doesnt see it, its driving me crazy I dont know how to stop it all.

    • Bano
      April 1, 2013

      dont stop him cz u read my story it dint help instead he insutd me more. he wud nvr accept his fault. he thnks it legetimized wut he did he hv gud rzns n olwaz cm up vd gud logics n wont evn respect n care abu ur feelings anymr but he i’ll hurt u as a piece of sh**. cz he is an oportunist u served his low self esteem n ego by gvng love n honesty to him he satisfyed = u of no use (now u r inconfident, low esteemd, unloved for him) lolz so chillout

  • Bano
    April 1, 2013

    I just got seperated from a similar kinda bf about a month ago. He so suddenly changed himself his way to do things, talk and atitude vd me. i was so shocked n in denia dt wt jus hapend vd me. he wud kept denying he z changed but wud say i m d same idk y u thnk so n wont show any concern abu dt y i was feeling ds way. In start if i wont reply his text, he wuud start calling he sounded so insecure.. n now his expressions, walk, talk, acsent everyth changed like it was a difernt person who madly wantd to b vd me.He wud even lie to me about his clothes dt wen he bought em n hw many shirts he have n all. i caught him lying once first he wont accept at all i brot a witness he still asked her r u sure u saw me dr lolz it was funy profesionaly covered it n he inventd a story dt he lied to make me hate him so i can leave him easily since v dint his parents dint agree for our marriage; (dt must b anothr lie) he left me vdout evn sayng a goodbye i talked to her best frnd they live all the time togdr share evith like having a setting but both wont accept n he wont evr introduce me to his frnz as his gf cz he nvr liked odrz to b invlvd; again cz he was a lier. he told me dt she was his besti n told em me as jus a colleague lolz. he stares even strange. n wen i showd all d msgs to his so caled besti n recorded calls she wud get shocked but still wont admit dt she z set vd him cz the liar had a strong hold over her n d nxt day she was normal had breakgast vd him. i even jumped from the uni bus for dt creep he wud come but wnt ask for a single tym of any medical care or sth to eat or drink other fellas held me n sent me to home!!! he calld n askd did u hv diner i was like dont wory he was like dont worry m not woried but jus asking; dual way of talk! well he was a riddle but m happy dt i spent all the month solving him dt wts wrong vd him. met many ppl who were in comon heard his atitude n bhvr; he evn had a warning from dean dt stop creatng mess in uni or u ll b expelld he evn told me once he got all color slips in school even not red one n said i saved myself to b xpeld buahaha. he was insecure, habit, low self esteem n egoistic like a boosted dog. n wen i tried toking him he put oll d blame on me dt i broke his trust by toking to his bestie n i lost my respct blah blah as if he was still the king of my heart :’( i thot to revnge but aftr i kknw his real face i thnk its useless n wud only make him lie more.today i even tried dt look i don wana insult u but wana help u out vd issues in ur life wot i hv felt n observd. he said plz stop it ok n u cant restore ur respect dt way once it gone so it gone lolz i said m helpless to change u. i said but i need to tok to u in private face to face abu evryth hapend u hv to answer me. he dont know i caught him lying after breakup. but i wont complain bcz i wantd to know to wot limit he can b asertv n narcist. anywaz he got ready to tok n m waiting for someday to tok. . . n i don kno wot to say him now bcz politely he jus insultd me i feel pity for him now poor ass! wut to do now how to gv a finishing touch. any help plz!

  • Bano
    April 1, 2013

    Bcz of his impulsive bhvr i wud say leave me n jus finish it bcz he wud stay all d time vd his besties n after classz he wud come to me for alone…. n wen i ask to breakup he wud plea as anyth to b vd him he loves me n promise dt wud gv me more time but nxt time he wud do same. he was used to cancel plans at d last minute.n creat excuss y he cant b here. he wud say i m a landlord n hv a real estate bznes but wore only 5 shirts in all smestr vd no car; wud go from uni bus on my stop. he was also an oportunist dt it wus my last smestr he thot aftr she go ill b fre. he setled his goal from d start

  • bose
    April 7, 2013

    I AM MRS BOSE FROM UK I HAVE LIVE WITH MY HUSBAND FOR THE PAST ONE YEAR BEFORE SOMETHING HAPPENED AND WE BROKE UP AND I WAS VERY SAD AND I WAS LOOKING FOR HELP SO I WENT INTO INTERNET WERE I FOUND ONE IMOMOHSPELLTEMPLE AND HE TOLD ME THAT HE CAN HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEM I NEVER BELIEVE BECAUSE I HAVE HAD ABOUT SCAM IN INTERNET UNTIL HE CAST THE SPELL AND RIGHT MY HUSBAND AND I ARE TOGETHER ONCE AGAIN AND LIVING HAPPY AND TOLD THE MAN THAT I WILL GET HIM MORE GOOD PEOPLE THAT WHAT HE LIKE PEOPLE DOING FOR HIM AFTER THE SPELL THANKS YOU CAN CONTACT HIM THROUGH THESE EMAIL ADDRESS:imomohspelltemple@yahoo.com

    THANKS FOR HELPING ME SIR…

  • Nadia Rodriguez
    April 25, 2013

    My daughter had a child from a N but left him before the baby was borned.I knew how crazy this guy was while my daughter was with him. Thank God she left him.We have delt with this person for almost 5 years.Since my daughter took him for child support this man has lost it.He stalks my daughter and harrass her constantly.He harrass me all the time when i go to pick my beautiful granddaughter.He has been brainwashing her for almost one year now. My daughter and I have been mentally physcilly A

  • Nadia Rodriguez
    April 25, 2013

    My daughter had a child from a N but left him before the baby was borned.I knew how crazy this guy was while my daughter was with him. Thank God she left him.We have delt with this person for almost 5 years.Since my daughter took him for child support this man has lost it.He stalks my daughter and harrass her constantly.He harrass me all the time when i go to pick my beautiful granddaughter.He has been brainwashing her for almost one year now. My daughter and I have been mentally physcilly And emotionally drained. As a grandmother its hard because I have to watch him hurt two people that i love. We are Christains and the thing that keeps us going is our faith. Also I am in therpy and so is my daughter. Its so hard to understand why he does this. But I realized that u cannot understand them.We are trying to move on because if you don’t it will destroy you. It is not an easy thing to do.I struggle with it everyday.I rest assure knowing that our GOD is the JUDGE and JURY,he may win here on earth but one day he will face HIM.

  • Divorced
    April 26, 2013

    After 14 years of marriage my husband asked for a divorce two days after I told him I was carrying our baby. He had another women. I had raised his daughter and son we are very close. His plan was to put me out and keep his son, daughter and new girlfriend to build a family. My baby in his mind was not his. They were not having it they wanted to be with me.
    I gave him the divorce I walked away with nothing. Later I reclaimed a house we had bought that I thought we lost to foreclosure. It was trashed and abandoned. I spent all I had to make it liveable.
    I was devastated but I had to do that because I didn’t want anything from him. I rebuilt my life and my son, two daughters and I are happy. He lost everything eventually including the girl. He’s renting my basement. Now I’m his landlord.
    I am buying another house in another city.
    Lonely, broke and pitiful doesn’t look good on him.

  • becca
    April 28, 2013

    I also am in two years of legal battles. My lawyer and I both have a copy of the book ‘Splitting: Protecting Yourself from Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder’. I second-guessed my lawyer a couple of times, going soft on the N, out of Fear or Concern. My lawyer was right everytime and I wasted a lot of energy and a lot of money and time giving him the benefit of the doubt. This is an important book to keep in your arsenal. Don’t back down, document everything. Do NARP. And Thank you for sharing all your stories.

  • Ruth
    April 30, 2013

    I have been separated from my narcisstic husband for a year now. It has been an emotional roller coaster of which I wouldn’t wish on anyone. We were together 20 years & married for 13. It is incredible that everyone’s stories are amazingly similar to that of my life. The day he left I have never looked back . I was no longer lonely it was a fantastic feeling. It hasn’t been easy & melonie’s website is so on the button it’s uncanny. I have regained my inner strength & am still learning to feel empowered again which all dissipated whilst with him. My personal boundaries have been placed. I draw my strength from my beautiful, amazing children & will fight for them. I will not let them see me struggle while he lives well & as always holds the financial strings. I won in the contact order for my youngest child. I told the truth as it was. As it was the truth it came naturally & with integratety. He did not win as he thought. First blow to him. His attitude is “I win you lose”, not when it concerns my children I will fight to the ends of earth for what they want. My youngest is 10 years old & knows what she wants. He has never had any relationships with all three children. They don’t know him & will not stay with him. He wanted half custody of youngest whom he hadn’t so much taken to the cinema, swimming, done homework in her life & all of a sudden he wanted her. Madness. From being a total emotional mess before walking in the court room, I became a strong, intelligent women & acted gracefully. My solicitor couldn’t believe it & said after “you did so well, I can’t believe it”. It’s just occurred to me while writing this I WON. WOW! He was awarded fortnightly contact for 4 hours. If he was a genuine father the judge would have given him more. Stay true to yourself & authentic. It worked for me. Today I feel alive, vibrant & am ready a year on to really start living again. I have done so much work emotionally to come home to myself and I think I am almost there. My husband was spitting feathers on contact day this weekend. He knows I have gone for good from him. He can no longer influence, intimidate or bully me anymore or my children. Infact I politely escorted from the house as I was not prepared for him to try undermind me anymore especially as children were home. Our house is happy house. I have read for a year now melonie’s website & it is brilliant. It has supported me & made sense of my past life. It spurs me have confidence with my future. I know I’m going to have a fantastic life from here on in. Still got financial courts to go through. Been a year trying to get his form in so am preparing for chaos / unbelieveable lies. Oh joy of joy. We have our own business which has always been his of course. Having supported him with it, brought up 3 children( on my own) and been the dutiful housewife. He says I have never worked for our company of which I have wage slips amongst other documents. He sacked me without knowing. He doesn’t want to give me anything from it. I will fight though because I have to start from scratch career wise to enable me earn again. He wouldn’t allow me to go college to study further to build on my own career established before I met him & he wouldn’t let me go to work other than the business. He is always going to have an income from the Company. My eldest daughter said I must fight as she said we want to come home to you & have a home. Otherwise I felt like walking away like most people who have the pleasure of dealing with a NARC. And yes it is a pleasure or ‘ gift’ albeit a mind bending excercise to which I honestly thought I was completely mad. Not anymore though. To the many people who are struggling I truly hope that you find your inner strength, allow & work through the extremely rough, tough times. Give yourself the grace to let go of the pain. It is very painful but go with it. Stay true & authentic. Personally, I always make sure I look my best how ever hard. Infact on the days when people commented on how well I looked they were ironically my worst days. I’m going to be alright just keep holding on to a much brighter, functional life. It will happen eventually. It couldn’t get any worse than living with this personality disorder. Torment, sadness, loneliness , madness, meanness, being punished weeks & months with the silent treatment. Once gone keep them gone if still with one, RUN ,honestly GET OUT NOW. I promise it doesn’t get better. YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT WORK. YOU CAN ONLY JUMP THROUGH SO MANY HOOPS. I wish everyone all the best on their own personal journey. Take care of Yourselves

    • ann
      June 2, 2013

      Please can you help me??? I have a 10 year old son and my ex of just a few months has locked in on him and wants to change the visitation aggreement so that he can take him with him on weekends. Currently he only has monitored visitations for a few hours 4 times a month. He is exactely like what everyone is describing. His most recent “deal” was if I sleep with him and give him more of my property, he would not change the visitations. He has never taken care of him or spent time with him like a dad should do, I know this his way of trying to get me to conform and give him control of me again. How can I stop him? Should I not communicate with him at all, he now blows my phone up with texts to my son and I am afraid if I do not communicate or allow my son, who I have to force to speak with him, to communicate, he will get his sick hands on him. Please tell me how you won in court! I will never stop fighting until my son is safe and feels secure. Email me directly at iwillnotlosesight@yahoo.com. Any help anyone can provide me to win against this N man, is greatly appreciated.

  • Nicole
    April 30, 2013

    Hi there i have just found this website by chance and i am blown away that i didn’t make this connection before. I always knew what i was dealing with but i did not know it had a label and that other people also operated this way. I thought my husband was one of a kind but i am certainly learning that he is not and that i was right to feel the way i have felt for the last 23 years, scared, confused and alone.
    I have left but i am still trying to negotiate my way out and i know i will get through it, but my heart is broken because my 13 year old son has now become the object of my husbands needs and he has done his best to destroy the once loving relationship i had with him in only a few short months.
    Can anyone help me get my son out he refuses to live with me and my daughter and i feel that he feels he must support his poor father who has made himself out to be so wronged by me. My son has become totally defiant and self absorbed and disrespectful and intolerant with me and others he deems “not worth talking to “I m frightened that he is becoming like his father as his every wish is granted by his father both physically and financially . He asks his father to back him up in not seeing me, or having to do anything he does not want to do. This behaviour is so opposite to the son i once knew who always comforted and supported me, he now acts like i deserve what i get. Do i create boundaries with my son and give him space or do i go in hard with custody i am at a loss as to what to do as he is also so emotionally fragile and cries easily if confronted too much. Somebody please help me………

    • grace
      June 4, 2013

      OMG, its one in the morning and im feeling so heartbroken over my situation and i discover you guys….my partner of 23 years is leaving me,not for someone new but because shes tired of my lack of support.i don’t forefill needs.
      well, stop lying to me about every little damn thing in our relationship..imdiscovered some emails where i’m made out to be a nut case. i love my daughter and she has a cute sweet boyfriend. i love the kid, well in the emails she was telling mutual friends that i dont like him and i’m trying to keep them apart HA,what a crock. She also states i’m nasty, shouts,goes off the deep end,always arguing with my daughter,omg thats her, my kid doesnt like her cause every time they are together theres a loud shouting match were michele wants the kid to grow up and get out.
      michele goes for days without showering,changing her clothes,brushing her teeth, for Gods sake i’ve been buying her clothes for the past 23 years cause she hates shopping..these emails go on with statement that i send my kid texts during the day while she’s at school…oh please,the kids in school why would i bother her and besides i usually text her when shes home.the email states I dont like what the kid texts so I get mad and yell at her…Next, i’m accused of brainwashing her, that kid is sharp,she’s caught her in lies several times. Well, i guess what i’m coming to is that I never realized the depth of her lies, I mean one week she ate 7 bags of cookies and when i asked her were they were,she said she didnt know.She’s supposed to be Vegan, i’m dead set against it because i know her,she doesnt eat fruit or veggies so whats left to eat;cookies,potato chips(5 bags in a week) tortilla chips
      I do all the cleaning because she feels the house will just get dirty again so why bother.I cut the grass and take care of the garden cause she has allergies. I’ve given her,through the past couple of years,Ipod,Ipad computers,Kindle
      and I got a dart board and Jenga.
      Before I forget, I had ovarian and uteren cancer,I have fibromyalgia,chronic fatigue,arthritis of the spine. I do all the work of the house sick as I am without help. It didn’t start out like that but it started when we moved to our house 19 years ago and she proclaimed ‘i hate the floor i cant wash it its too hard.
      There is so much more to tell but it’s 1:30 and I’m starting to cry again so thank you for this

  • Ruth
    May 3, 2013

    Hi Nicole. My heart goes out to you with your situation of your 13 year old son. I’ve sorry as I’m not in this predicament to know the best outcome. I do believe though how ever difficult you must not as hard as it bad mouth your ex to him as this will make him more protective over him. He is also at an age where adolescence is upon him & is also very confused. My son was 16 a year ago when my husband walked out on us & to my surprise although my son knew it wasn’t me he would have gone with the underdog(my husband) if I had left instead as he wouldn’t have wanted my ex to be on his own. Thankfully it didn’t happen that way as like yourself would have been heart broken. I really hope someone with more knowledge or advice replies to you. Have you sort legal advice. A word of warning do not tread or pussy foot around your ex, if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn’t with you & he would go in hard at every level just because he can. Is there a grandparent, relative or close friend who can take your son out for the day or lunch just so he has some normality, compassion & love on a genuine level that can gain his trust. Your son is now in the mind games that you were once in so won’t know the truth anymore . He needs to be involved with people who care. Is your daughter old enough for him to meet on their own? Keep reading melonie’s website to give you the strength. Keep yourself well for your children. They need you even if your son is showing resentment right now. Never let him know that you will give up on him, I’m sure deep down he loves you , as you said he used to be sensitive. I suspect your husband will get fed up with this new game as something else will come along which may be the opportunity for son to get out. Give it time & approach your son with love, respect & care. Seek legal advice

  • NPD thoughts
    May 5, 2013

    I am past the stage of factual documentation. I then saw the pattern, before I then studied categories of NPD abuse- such as denial, minimalization, fact switching, gas lighting, cray making, victim blaming, etc. Once I understood the categories, it confirmed the experience within them that I documented. It took 2 years to do this because not all memories were present when I started to document. It was a healing process for me too- like it is out of my head now as I know it is documented chronologically. This helped me move it out of my head and onto my computer. Next, I had to grieve. Grieve that this person treated me this way and that I didn’t see it for what it was. That this person was not going to be loving and love me, because they are unable to, at this time. Next I removed myself from that relationship after reading the series of books by Cloud and Townsend called Boundaries- in one of them it asks, why wold you keep returning for re- injury? So I simply stopped calling this perspn, including on their birthday, stopped pursuing them for a relationship (I offered counseling, communication courses, which I would pay for, working it out in front of the family etc, emailing and working it out so we can see it in email- all were refused. I woke up one day and thought- okay this person has told me I am difficult to have a relationship with, and I offer to work it out and the answer is no, or when we do try the lie and say I said things that they in fact said to me, so why would I allow or want this in my life? The clarity of what was going on for so long grew and grew, like the fog on a bathroom window fading away. It was not a light bulb moment of peace for me, I knew what was going on but had to accept in my heart that there was noting wrong with me (as I was being told, in fact – insisted there was)- so I then, where I am now, focus on healing and believing there is nothing wrong with me. It is a lie. Darkness lies. Love is truth. Love is- we are worth loving, we are good enough. Lies from darkness are- you are not wanted, there is something wrong with you, no one wants you, you have and are a problem, you said and think and do this and that, when none of it is true. Al lies. So I documented, grieved, implemented no contact, and continue to work on “nothing is wrong with me” and “I am a worthy and loving and lovable human being who does the best she can in life and in my heart never say a word to anyone, including the NPD who has hurt me, that would bring anyone down, ever.” So as I continue to work on healing and inner peace, I am left with 2 things: 1. the fear that this NPD was so powerful as to get me to question myself- how powerful are they at getting other people to believe things about me that are not true (and why do I care about them if they do either)?, but more importantly, 2. this person has influenced someone in the family by distorting their image of me, believing some of the claims made about me by the NPD. I do not know how to deal with that. I know I need to trust that people will make up their own minds. But there are very very few people on this planet enlightened enough not to be influenced by the marketing of products and people- ideas go into our minds subconsciously and unless aware it can damage us like the words spoken to us by an NPD, or spoken about us by an NPD. Those we love can also be influenced to see us in a way that we are not, like a virus infiltrating their minds….and if affects the relationship I have with that other person. If I try to talk to that other person about what is going on, I look like the bad guy- my illustrations are so hard to believe (about what is happening) and the NPD simply denies it all or says I do it to them anyway. So the NPD has power to affect your relationships, even if you end the relationship with them. In fact they will keep going, I think, til they have taken away everything you love.

  • Lock
    May 13, 2013

    Hi, I’m currently trying to deal and understand my ex partner, for quite sometime I had been aware of how she acted but just thought she was a flat out b:@ch, she suddenly packed up one day and tried to leave the county with our son. After lawyers and mediators and horrible twist lies, she changed her tune, which I thought was her seeing the light. Because I do love her very much I continued on hoping that she was seeing reality, she sweet talked me into furnishing and paying for an apartment and a new car. I did these things out of love, even dispute all the horrible things I’d been labelled. A week after the car she started pushing me away again, and then, just manipulating everything, talking about more kids, and maybe in time she will miss me rah rah. I believed everything. She has now found another partner in the space of a month, and all of a sudden has exploded again wanting to take me to court… I can see how crazy and bizarre her actions have been, but I am finding it extremely difficult to detach myself because I love her so much. She is almost unaware and hasnt excepted we have a child. Every few days she try’s to string me along more and more. Everything I have read on narcasisim fits her actions perfectly, almost like it was written for her! If anybody knows of anything I can do to detach myself, so I’m strong enough to get myself togeather and to get her help in anyway

  • emma
    May 17, 2013

    My partner has a 6 year old boy with his ex. She walked out when they were struggeling for money when the boy was 2 months old. Ever since my partner has had to go to court to get to see his son and get more and more time with him. Over the years she has lied, it started with things like he’s not changing his nappy, then he’s hitting him, then me the girlfriend was apparently threatening her, then he thretened her, then my partners older son was accused of sexual abuse against hsi brother, then i hit him, now its at the point where social services are involved for the 3rd time from her accusations. They say the child is messed up from the arguing but won’t believe us when we say she says things to him like if you go to daddys i cry and get upset. They always believe her as she has a clean home and dresses the boy well. Now she keeps txting trying to argue saying he doesn’t communicate with her etc etc etc, It never ends. We have the police round saying shes said this, that etc. Her family are the same and threaten my partner so we now record all conversations. Even the court see her as a good mother as she is a great liar. Please help.

  • Whitney
    May 18, 2013

    Hello every one here, I found a great spell caster on line who helped me to get back my husband who has left me for pass 6months. we where married for 5 years without a child and my friend introduce me to a real spell caster named Dr. Abu which I never believe it exist but after the meeting of this spell caster my problem where solved and now I am with my husband who left me for the past three months, my life and my entire family are now happy, now I’m pregnant with the help of this great spell caster. Thanks to Dr. Abu, I will advice anyone in need of help to contact him with this Ominighospelltemple@gmail.com

  • jeremy
    May 22, 2013

    i’ve had this p/o for 9 months today, and from day one it was “i wanna work it out” and they even told her to make stuff up to make sure she got the po. I’ve made mistake i’ve owned up to .Its a brick wall, i’ve changed my life, on my own, learning from my mistakes. but the lies, the debt, the homelessness, it gets hard. i’m just taking it a day at a time, and wondering what excuse she’ll make when the p/o is up in a couple months, she even went so far as to have it modified instead of just dropping it.WOW! You think you know someone, till they don’t get there way and they throw a temper tantrum. I’m with my higher power, and i know that things will be ok. it feels like things have just started ahhh!
    Thank you all, there is nothing for people who actually get screwed by the system. its nice to know i’m not alone. And stuff like this is abuse and it does take its toll, go to A/A, alanon, or therapy, don’t hold resentments inside. and what i’ve learned is FORGIVENESS IS ALL WE HAVE. nothing else will give you a peace of mind.

  • athena
    May 24, 2013

    hi guys,

    pls help me on my issue. i had been battling a N for 6 months now. she was actually my live in partner other woman. i thought she is nice and very trusty however, i learn that they were having a relationship with my partner so he dumped the woman and return to me. i did accept him hoping he will change. they had another relationship recently and he left her because he realise that he really love me. the woman promise to bring her to america where he can work legally but the condition is, he shoiuld leave me and marry her. my partner is alraedy married and had 3 kids but they got separated. the x wife of my partner claim that he left tyhem to run away with me. but the truth is the x wife had another affair and been caught 2 times by my partners sister. because of this, the N woman and x wife collided to ruin my life making false statement and lies on facebook. it really is hurting and i wanted to mock them but my consciemce cant afford so i create another account and befriend with them. they are still making lies that the N woman had a daughter but the truth is she has not been pregnant because she has cancer and undergone chemotheraphy last year april. the N woman said that she delivered the child on august which is truly lies. pls help me make it through this one. what should i do? my family had been involved now. the 3 kids of my partner are shooting commnets on the N woman as allies against me and my partner. the x wife an dmy partner had been 4 years separated.

    pls help me. i dont know what to do. you can email me personally at: julie_mae25@yahoo.com

    thank you and look forward to your response.

  • Pixnet.net
    May 27, 2013

    Κeep on working, gгеat job!

  • Joe
    June 2, 2013

    Lots of good direct advice and none of it strewn with terminology; SO glad to see that. I’m now 10 years post N-breakup, mine was a borderline but doesn’t matter… all PD’s seem to have a strong streak of Narcissism in them, as many may know.

    In 2001 I was a babbling idiot, crying for no reason (not true actually, I had a hundred reasons) confused, frightened, alone (“Wedged away” from all supportive friends etc,, and the one thing I see you addressed without actually stating it is how eerily similar they are in their pathology and their tactics…

    One of the girls on a web board I created and moderated for Victims of Narcissists said;
    “It’s like they were all raised in the same [expletive] family.”

    I’m also glad to see you telling your readers that THEY ARE extremely vulnerable, if you understand their tactics are actually “smoke and mirrors” and that you can challenge them and their “”flying monkeys” at every turn, in and out of the courtroom, just by not being “too busy feeling to think.” As I look back, that was the basic problem that caused me to always be at her mercy; the emotional tactics would get me off guard and I wouldn’t think or realize how to challenge and destroy her “weapons” until it was too late.

    Calming down, using logic and reason and facts and EVIDENCE / WITNESSES served me SOOOOO well! There aren’t “chinks” in their armor, there are gaping holes.. I hope anyone still embroiled in legal matters with a Narcissist will take your advice to heart, every word!

  • L
    June 5, 2013

    Ya know, I was surprised to find myself in the middle of a relationship with an NPD. But, thats half of it, you’re so charmed throughout that you don’t realize, and when you do you’re already getting the nasty little back handed compliments, digs, and threats.

    I tried to go to couple’s counseling, tried to work things out, nothing ever came of it with the exception of threats of divorce if I didn’t like it. And its amazing how the happy, sweet, and pleasant face goes on for the public, and she was an absolute misery to deal with at home. So here I am, 17 months into the divorce process, and she still won’t leave. I finally came to the conclusion that my kids deserved better, and I wasn’t giving to give them the example of kowtowing to her every demand because the world revolved around her, and took her up on her threats of divorce, and filed myself. And wouldn’t you know it, the day before the papers reached her, the false police calls started….. Well, hindsight is always 20/20 and now I’m determined that if I should get into a serious relationship it, the other person must understand what a PARTNER in life is.

    Wish you all the best. Its not an easy struggle we put with. Oh, the book “Disarming the Narcissist” also helped. Good luck to us all.

  • Karin
    June 29, 2013

    I was married for 20 years to a man that was very selfish, disrespectful, dishonest, had temper tantrums, hit me, threatened me, cheated on me, stole money from our savings, and ran up some debts. Thanks to my children’s support and an e-friend in England, I got the courage to leave, but I was too afraid to tell him because my kids thought he would kill me if I left. I had no money and no job and I was depressed, scared and I had social phobia on top of that. I went on the internet looking for more friends to talk to, I guess I was hoping for a miracle, and I found one. I fell in love with a man from the US and I am Canadian. He has helped me so much. In two years, we have gotten to know each other, visited each other, and started the visa process. I will soon be able to go to the US and marry him. My kids are ready for college and want to stay here, but will either join us there, or we will move close to the border on both ends. Since that time two years ago, my ex has turned his family against me with his lies. He spread lies about me on the internet to strangers and people he’s met. According to him, they all hate me and some wish I was dead. I am a very devoted, loyal, honest, caring wife. All I ever wanted was to make him happy. My fiancé and children are so supportive because they know the truth. My ex’s parents don’t even believe their grandkids and think they are blinded by me. His lies are slander and its hurting me so bad, his parents wont even go near me. I’m not like that and it hurts so bad when I hear things through my kids or when he tells me what he tells others about me. I’m a really good honest person and I’m very shy. I wouldn’t hurt a fly, and people out there hate me for no reason, I wish I could find a way to tell them all the truth. Thank you for listening!!!

  • Rachelle
    July 13, 2013

    I never realized there were so many others who have dealt with this behavior from a lover or an ex, it makes me feel better when dealing with my own situation. Currently I am in a custody battle with my N ex husband. I have remarried to a wonderful man two years after my N ex husband left me and our son for another woman he worked with. He lied to me throughout our whole relationship. I really can’t say how many other woman he cheated on me with. When we got married and I found out he was cheating it was it for me I couldn’t do it anymore, he never admitted to cheating to this day he lies and said I cheated on him first. Everything was always my fault it was never his and for the longest time I fell for his manipulation. Now still 5 years later I still have to deal with his manipulation and lies. We just recently when through a custody evaluation and the evaluator believed him completely! He played the victim and made it look like i was the one with the problem and she fell for it completely!!! I wish there was a way I could say he has NPD disorder but the family court system is so messed up they would think I’m crazy. I’m just praying the truth prevails, I have trial next week and I can’t lose my son to a liar who has never really cared about our son but just beating me at a game.

    • Susan
      August 4, 2013

      Good luck you have my good wishes.
      I too had experience with his continuous lies and cheating. My daughter adored this manipulating liar until his lies caught up with him. You are right they continue to try and manipulate your life… Don’t worry all will be revealed. Our therapist saw right through his lies from day one it just took several sessions for me to see through his lies. They can be very convincing but they do stuff up and when you challenge them they act up… This is the best way to exposure them. And your son will grow up and discover this for himself.. All the best

  • NIKKI
    July 30, 2013

    This is a fascinating blog post….
    My favorite line was “”” the narcissist will try to line you up and accuse you of exactly what she is doing.

    Often they will state these lies by text or email.””””””””
    HOW ENLIGHTING :)

  • kris
    July 31, 2013

    This is the hell I have been through with my adopted daughter. I was blindsided by all of this and I am not alone. There are other adoptive parents dealing with these issues in their kids. This is not just for adults. There needs to be more education about this.
    The Parent Warrior

  • Susan
    August 4, 2013

    I too have fallen victim of a Narcissist pathological liar.
    We were together for 3 years and although I knew something wasn’t quite right with him I hadn’t had the experience with a Narcissist and didn’t know the signs…
    A narcissist can destroy your soul! You can not help them or change but just run as far away from them as you can. My ex of three years is with his best friends wife now (poor girl) she will have to endure the same experience and torment before she realises what she is living with.
    I was warned by his ex wife and the first wife….
    I feel sick when I think about it and him…
    He went to lengths telling his friends and family members lies about our breakup because narcissists aren’t ever wrong… They do not accept any responsibility for any wrong doing, they/he could never accept being perceived by anyone as anything other than perfect… Did not cope with imperfection or me realising his imperfections, he would be physically ill if I challenged his imperfections, he lied constantly.
    The show stopper was exposing him for what he really was… He doesn’t realise it but his friends and family members know what he is but never challenge him…
    This is his concequence!
    It’s more than a year since our breakup and I feel very lucky and fortunate I had good friends who helped me and supported me and made me see sense and him for what he really is

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  • Sara
    August 11, 2013

    Hi there Melanie, I just recently came across your website after researching into narcissistic abuse. I left a very abusive and violent relationship with a man who literally changed overnight when I became pregnant with his child. We were together for 5 years, our son is now 3, and during that time I suffered horrific psychological, verbal and physical abuse. The last time he attacked me I called the police and he was arrested. It was a big shock to me, I did not know what came over me that time but it was as if a deep force within me said that was the last time that would ever happen to me. I could have been killed by him.
    What I want to ask following this post, now I am in a custody battle with him and he is trying to portray to friends, family, former clients of mine – whoeever will listen – that I am mentally unstable and an unfit mother. For that reason, HE is fighting for full custody of our son … it is absolutely insane the degree of denial this man has. And how deviant he is. I don’t know if its delusional or if he knows exactly what he is doing. But since I called the police, and we are now separated (I am living with my son), he still sends insulting messages and emails. He lost control of me and he will do anything to hang on to some control, now via our child. What hope / insight can you give on how I can trust that everything will turn out in my favour, that I will be able to show the courts who he really is and that no matter what his defense is, they will see through it? thanks for sharing …

  • Melanie
    August 12, 2013

    Hi Sara,

    what you are going through with him is very typical of the narc behaviour of smear campaigns and wanting to punish you.

    This is what virtually every case of separation with a person with NPD looks like and goes like.

    Sara are you on NARP – because it is only when we lose the fear and pain by deeply working on ourself that we get our power back – and things start falling into place for us.

    You see ‘normal’ people don’t behave like this and they ‘pull up’ because they couldn’t operate in such malicious / pathological ways. And certainly could not inflict so much pain and fear on others. Narcissists thrive on this – they also thrive on your fear and pain – that’s why you need to heal past this.

    I hope this helps.

    Mel xo

  • Renee Coghlan
    August 13, 2013

    Right here is the perfect site for anyone who really wants to understand this topic. You know so much understanding it is impossible to argue with you — not that I really would like to do so. You certainly put a new spin on a topic which has been discussed for a long time. Excellent stuff!

  • Francisca Jongen
    August 20, 2013

    I thought i was on my own, but 5 years later my ex is still making up lies,and continuously using all sorts of allegations, most of which are too disgusting to mention. Even now, he is naming my family members in these allegations in more spurious allegations to a court.. i know this sounds odd but i am glad i am not the only one that is having this.. and by reading the above – can really see there is no getting away form him. He is using my children like bullets, and one of which is now receiving psychiatric help herself through his continuous brutal and relentless attacks, and mostly these are all psychological. Unfortunately i have not been able to keep some of the things he sent my children’s mobile phones, but their head of year witnessed these as i showed some of them and made them read it to get them to understand what suffering my daughter was being subjected to. This is still going on, as the children are comming n going to see siblings, one of which lives with him. i have always known, that my happyness and career and new found confidence and self sufficiency has upset him far more than anything else. i will never forget he told me many times he was going to make my life hell for the rest of my life – but guess what – its not!! i am happy, and have never been happier.. His actions affect me, through my children, but i refuse to let those things bring me down too, as my kids need me happy n strong, and always a calm strong safe home to go to.. so he lost a long time ago – he just does not even want to admit it, and i know he never will..but that’s his loss, as he will never be able to heal until he recognizes that and the truth.. and the fact that he will never do that, gives me pleasure as i know that in itself means he is already living in hell in life, and will most probably go there after life too.. in a strange sense, he has sentenced himself, and i do not need to add to it, as he is already living in 24/7 hour misery striving to get the upperhand lol!! maybe we should feel sorry for this is surely a mental illness, that these people require help with, and pity them.

  • Jill
    August 25, 2013

    i have been to this site soo many times but finally tonight found the courage to comment and make my hellacious reality – real….i am trapped with a 2nd N in a row…my father is a N….my mother died 3 yrs ago…and i think i did too….thank u to everyone for sharing ur life bc i am desperately hoping my nightmare will end and that it is not my fault…i am NOT crazy…delusional…or deranged…i am just a victim….and maybe someday, i will thrive again as i am only 37….i used to be someone else….just 3 yrs is all it took for the devil to destroy my innocent soul…now what?

  • Anddoney
    August 29, 2013

    I was down to the lowest point in my life. I thought my heart would never heal. I found lord azeez late one night and thought what have I got to lose? I ordered the Return My Lover Spell and within a week she was BACK. A big thanks to lord azeez for the great help he has rendered me. Do not waste time with fake spell conatct him lordazeez1990@hotmail.com that my advice for your situation

  • rose
    August 30, 2013

    Hey there~
    My mom showed me this website just this week. I am so grateful because it comes at a time when my newly ex boyfriend is trying to deface me in the community. Saying i am a cop or fbi agent, a bad mom, a whore,etc. And saying he will put police charges against me for theft and call the child protection services because he wants stuff back and money. He has robbed me of valuables and now i feel he has taken all my son’s and my identification like birth certif.s and ss cards. The kicker is now my son’s biological dad who has rarely been in the picture is back in town and filed paperwork to get on his birth certificate,where he had never been before. I would like to trust him but im terrified of something being used against me from what crazy ex is saying about me out of fear the child in in danger. He is not. It took.me a year to get away from my boyfriend and we are in a great place.i wasnt allowed to be myself or make calls alone.deception about prescribed drugs with bad side effects too and i believe it exacerbates the paranoia or lies. I go between wanting to ignore my boyfriend and wondering if i need to file complaints w the police in case he does. But hardly anything is proveable on either end so i want to just not give my energy to it.im having a hard time not worrying and it drains my energy. Im learning so much and feel like i can say no to narcs and begin to face my own patterns of codependence that brought me here. But my son is everything to me and i need to keep him safe. I hope to god it will all work out ok. Thank you for your work.

  • Sarah
    September 5, 2013

    I’m in custody litigation right now. He’s done everything he can to punish me; called the police again and again, dragged out court processes, called in his minions to harass me, stopped paying child support, made a bogus report to CPS, lies to the judge, taunts me when no one’s looking… I could go on forever. This article really nails it on the head. I’ve been sticking to the basic principles and I’m doing great. Stay rooted in my purpose (i.e. to promote/protect the best interests of my child), Corroborate the truth as much as possible, Pace myself, I can’t eat the whole elephant in one sitting.

    One of his tactics to subdue me is to drag issues out. This is the biggest challenge for me, to remain patient. But I’m getting close to the finish line, his lies are catching up to him in court and he failed a random alcohol screening two weeks after he told the judge he doesn’t have a drinking problem and was ordered not to drink.

    Judge I have is like King Solomon, sees right through my ex, knows what orders will be necessary to ascertain the truth. I of course assist as much as possible by being on point with my motions and evidence to judge and shining spotlights on the truth. But The NPD’s really do make it easy. It seems like everything my ex says or does, builds up my case even more. Never thought I’d be grateful that He’s so full of crap O.o

  • Woodape
    September 16, 2013

    I lucked out and got a family court judgement against my N. She used an ex parte and tried to take my son away. I recommend strongly that time is on the side of the non- N personality.
    If the N personality tries to solely go take your children..let them. The courts deal w the N personality all the time. Let the N take the stage and they will be quickly spotted for who they are. It isn’t a totally corrupted court yet in NA. Just ride it out and don’t get discouraged. You can beat your narcissist and heal while doing it. Enjoy it. Narcissists are bullies and just standing up to them gives them a narcissistic injury.

  • Bee
    September 17, 2013

    I actually just went to court today for a custody/overnight visitation case that my ex-Narc served me with suspiciously 6 months ago after had me arrested for assaulting with a weapon. The weapon was a paper cup of coffee after he berated me in front of our daughter & would not leave. He was NOT injured. Although the cops did come down to arrest me, they knew what my ex-N was about. The charges were dropped by crown.

    Today in court, I kept my composure even after all the cheap shots my ex-N was throwing at me in front of his lawyers, my lawyer & judge! He interrupted the judge when he was getting scolded. He actually told them

    “Believe me, mediation won’t work with her.”
    “I only want to see my daughter once a week so I don’t have to deal with her.”
    “I use to see my daughter all the time (lie) until She assaulted me.”

    She is ME. There was more but honestly, he made HIMSELF look like the real loser here.

    He walked away with an extra 4 hours to see my daughter. That’s a whopping 8 hours a week. He was SO angry he didn’t win joint custody or overnite visitations BUT we have another court date in November. These N’s are liars and bullies. I am so happy that I let my ex take center stage today.

  • Kaci
    September 17, 2013

    My ex is so good at what he does that I question if I am the one who is the N. He has said the most horrible things about me. I know my flaws in our marriage but he enjoyed hurting me. He cheated on me since I was pregnant with our daughter and that is the first time he hit me. He cheated, left our family and then went after me while he was laughing and in court he acted passive and “poor me”. He was arrested in April for DV and child abuse on our 16 year old daughter. He was sentenced and did jail time. Now he is taking me for custody of our 8 year old son. He says he never touched me. He beat me up so bad last Dec I could not walk for a few days, infront of our son. The son he wants a relationship with now. He says I am crazy, a drunk, that I lied, that our daughter lied and she is the one who beat me. If I had ever put a scratch on that man he would have put me in jail in a heartbeat. I kept it secret what he did to me like I was doing the right thing. Plus I knew what revenge he would come after if I had him arrested, it was a neighbor who called the police and my daughter finally told the police the truth about what her Father had been doing to us. He blames it all on me, all of it. He always said it was my mouth that made him do what he did, the cheating, the hitting and I deserved it and I was a horrible person. He has been high on pot for 17 years and I couldn’t get him to stop that but he wants our son. Do I have enough with the police reports and CPS reports finding him guilty of abuse on me and the kids to get custody of our 8 year old son. He wants “his boy” as he says. I am afraid of him now. I know I am his number one enemy. He wants everyone to see him as this great guy and I’m a monster. He feels, I had him arrested, ruined his name, took his kids and his money. He’s coming after me and it will be the court he uses to do so and our son to hurt and destroy. I am afraid, I ruined his image and now he’s going to make me pay. I know he will say the most horrible things about me to get our son. Our son that helped me to get up and walk after he beat me so bad. Later he said I deserved it and I would get it much worse next time. He attacked our daughter after she tried to get him off me, she saw thru him and said so. So he’s after her now too, attacking her character. I feel so bad for both our daughter and son. I let this man destroy me since I was 18 years old, 37 now. I just want him to go away now and let me be. I hope the court does not believe him and I have enough criminally against him.

    • metooJoe
      July 25, 2014

      the WANT us to question ourselves! Thats why they make out like we are the bitch when we are doing NOTHING wrong and how they can thwart eons of people against us when weve never had an enemy before in our life!……Hang in there Hunii. Ive been on his rollercoaster for 19 years and trying to get him out of my system for 15 of those years…..

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  • Doug
    September 20, 2013

    7/31
    I woke early to take my daughter to lift weights. On the ride in we discussed the day ahead. She had requested that she go along to the scheduled court conference on the emergency custody order that had been in place for two weeks. Prior to that she had been with me for the duration of an investigation by Children and youth services of abuse by her mother that was determined to be “indicated”. We talked about trying to work toward her goal of getting back to normal. I told her that I didn’t want her caught in the middle anymore and that I was willing to what was necessary. I said that I had just wished that her mother could peacefully help co-parent here without lying and intimidating me. She was happy with that but said that her mom will never change.
    After her work out, I picked her up for the ride to the court house. We were both nervous but I was a little more than her because I’d been here before and the constant personal attacks are lies are emotionally draining. We walked to the court house and up to the third floor. Her mother was there with her husband and my daughter at first wouldn’t look at her. They eventually talked a little but not much at all. Finally the conference was over and I was taken away to speak to the attorney. As I expected, the woman that was indicated as abusing the child and admitted to giving her her own prescription meds had turned the tables is still in denial and yet again throwing me under the bus with lies. She is fighting everything and there is no stop. She wants full custody and is accusing me again as being abusive.
    Upon learning what was going on, my daughter ran through the court house looking for me. She was crying hysterically. She kept hugging me saying its not fair. I calmly explained to her that there was nothing that I could do and that I had to leave. I tried walking her back upstairs but there stood her mother and side kick. My daughter started screaming and they went back up the stairs. I tried to calm her down and get her to go. We got to the top of the stairs where again the mothers husband stands there being intimidating. I hugged my daughter and told her to stay strong. She opened the door and looked right at her mother and started screaming at her. How could you do this to me. Why are you doing this? I couldn’t take it anymore and had to leave. As I drove away I was numbed by the events. I wasn’t surprised by the mothers actions because this is what she has always done. When caught with crimes she has always turned to focus on me. Blame me and accuse me and never take responsibility.
    After a few hours I was called by CYS and told that mini wanted to see me and get some of her things. We met at the house with two cys workers. They accompanied my daughter to her room. As we were looking at dates and important papers that she would need, I told her that she would need the paper that we just signed because she wouldn’t be back before it was needed. That is when she found out that she would be at her mom’s for ten days. She got a little upset. She told us that she’ll never make it there for ten days. She said to me and the cys people ” I will run away”. I told her not to do that. I told her to be safe and if she needed to she should call cys. This all just scares me but again I have to do what I can to deal with it and so does she.
    This incident started because the mother kept the child out of school and away from her father for over two weeks by claiming that she was seriously ill. She had claimed that she was having to give her prescription medication of her own and that she had a fever for over two weeks. I was getting communication that she was being tested for many things and that she was sleeping all of the time. After a picture on Facebook was seen by everyone that my daughter was fishing with her step sister, I started to inquire as to how what was going on. I texted my daughter and she said she was fine. The next day the communication again from the mother was that she had high fevers and was going to take her to the ER. This went on all week. My daughter texted me and said she felt fine but that mom said that she had a fever and couldn’t go to school. She went to the dr and had no fever at all. The thermometer was broken. I said enough is enough I am going to pick up my daughter. The mother continued to object but I brought her home. She started telling us about the events. She had bottles of medication that she gave to us and asked what they were. I was shocked. My daughter has been prescribed Prozac. No one ever mentioned to me that my 15 year old healthy child was even being seen for psychological issues. That is when she told us about being put on birth control pills for her acne as well as some information about a second ER visit that I was not told about that involved her mother telling the dr that she was having anxiety issues because of her father. We since have discovered that she was taking other anti anxiety medication that again were never mentioned to me. Eight different medications, two weeks out of school at a critical time and constant lying to the father about what was going on led to mass confusion. I called the dr. Why does my child have this stuff. They had no medical diagnosis and told me that the mother was asking for the medications by name. The dr told me to stop the meds.
    I escorted my daughter back to school with the intent of speaking with her counselor. We went to her office but she was out. I left her a message about meeting with her and I to get her some help to get up to date on her school work. She was starting to get very depressed about being so far behind and not being able to cope. The next day she went to school and was texting me all day about issues. I told her that I was waiting to hear from the counselor and we would meet with her soon. She was called to the counselor a office in the last period and was happy to hear that I was there to meet with them. When she entered to office and saw that it was her mother and side kick, she ran away. She hid in the bathroom and called me. While talking to her the school office.called me and I told them where she was. She was distraught. The guidance counselor said she would meet us the next day in the afternoon. Before that happened, I received a call from the school that my daughter was showing suicidal issues and ask if I minded if she spoke with Can-Help, a mental health crisis team. I agreed and was later called to come in after they spoke with her. She relayed the events of the drugs and sickness event and an investigation began.
    After many years of seeing these events with my other children and years of lies, I had enough. I found out that the mother was telling everyone that would listen that I was abusive. She not only told them that I had abused her but was also telling everyone that I was verbally abusive to my children. None of which has ever been substantiated. Most of it was lies and used to cover up her issues.
    Over the years I had documented thing that went on behind the scenes with the mother. There was a cys investigation years ago after she slapped an eight year old hard enough to leave a hand print welt on her leg for a week. There were several events at the mothers house that prompted me to pick up the children or one child because of fights. There wer several documented times that I was on the phone for long periods of time trying mediate the fights. Sometimes doing nothing but listening to people scream at each other for over an hour. There was one instance where I was on the phone with on child that was locked out of the house in mid November while it was raining and the child had no shoes or coat. I eventually was told by the mother to pick her up because she was ” done with her” . When I showed up to get her it was violent. The child was hysterical and the mother threw her belongings at her and told her to go. This same child went through the medical stuff with her mother a few years later. She was taken to the ER twice in one week due to the stomachs virus. The mother refused to believe that it was nothing serious and forced multiple test and was going as far as trying to press for an exploratory surgery to find a bigger problem. The doctors agreed that it was not necessary and expressed to me that the mother was having issues.
    The fact of the matter here is that this kind of manipulation and abusive behavior has not been good for anyone involved in this situation. I have tried for years to manage the destruction being caused but it has been come overwhelming. The years of being controlled and intimidated by this woman have taken there toll. I have become an angry man. I have at times exploded in anger but have never harmed anyone physically or mentally. I have been lied to and about for years and yet no one in the system can see or understand why I have become so angry. I have had to be defensive constantly trying to protect myself and my loved ones. I have had to struggle with hurdles that this woman has constantly put in front of me both as a father and a person. When my ex-wife committed bank fraud, I ended up having to pay for it both in the form of money and careers. I had to suffer the consequences while she actually benefitted from it. The hardest thing for me is to believe is that regardless of how I try to free myself from this unjust burden, it continues and has only gotten worse.
    After this most recent event, I still sit here in disbelief. The hammer is again coming down on me and mostly due to the lies of this woman and the fact that I am now an angry man. Doesn’t anyone see why I am angry? I may have angry outbursts with my voice but I have been trying to protect myself. I would like someone to explain to me how all of this can happen. I want desperately to understand how truth and honesty doesn’t prevail. The vindictive nature of some people to turn the tables on someone else when their actions are the main cause is just absurd. The enabling of the behavior by the system is even more absurd. How do I change this? How do I get out from under the burden of this mentally ill person who has used and abused my children for her own benefit. How do I get people to understand that I am a good person. I coach children and have for years. I have always spent meaningful time with my children and have put their needs ahead of mine. I have tried not to put them in the middle of this struggle but it is seemingly impossible. They are the middle and they are the pawns that have been used by this woman to continue her abusive assault on me. My children know who I am deep inside and they see the inner struggle that has been caused by their mother. They see that I am a loving person that is always willing to compromise. I have never claimed to be perfect and have invited my children to be open with me about issues they have with me. I have changed behavior that they told me bothered them. I have resisted from telling them the real history between their mother and me but when they are teenagers and ask question, I will not lie. The truth has come out to the teenagers and it is completely different from what their mother has been telling them for years. When they are mature enough to see, it becomes quite easy for them to see the truth. They are able to put two and two together and form their own opinions as my 15 year old wrote to her mother. They have been around her for years have have witnessed the lies that she tells. As young children it was confusing to them. As they mature, they start to confront her about the lies and then problems ensue. They start to lose trust in what she says and can see the vindictive nature of her. They become wise to the lies and start to question reality. They have told me for years that they know that their mother lies a lot. I have counseled them on how to handle it. First and foremost, I have learned to not confront her about the lies because when she knows she is caught is when the abuse begins. She makes you feel like you are crazy. ” I didn’t say that” when you just heard it or read it is hard to swallow. Or ” I didn’t do that” when you have black and white proof that she did. Even trying to reason with a person like this is impossible. There is no reason. To her it’s the my way or no way. Their is no compromise ever. There are only threats and lies. Again, somebody please tell me how this is healthy for anybody let alone a teenage girl.
    The constant use of facetious medical conditions that I have had to witness is confusing. Both for the children and their mother. On many occasions when they were young, she would call the doctors office and complain of high fevers and ask the doctors to prescribe things over the phone. She would be persistent to the point where they would just prescribe antibiotic or something else without an office visit. On most every occasion, when I would get the kids for my custody periods, I would not witness any fevers above the ordinary flu like low grade fevers. I objected to the use of the medications if they were not necessary. There mother always made it worse than what it actually was. When there were injuries to the children growing up while in her custody, it was always conveyed to me by her that it was worst case scenario. Nothing was just the normal growing up injuries. Broken bones were going to require surgery. Every medical situation was going to require a specialist. Worst case scenario every time Learning issues would require medication instead of guidance and patience. As soon as each girl began to reach puberty, they would need birth control for one reason or another. When I would object to or give my opinion on any medical issue, she would immediately tell me that I don’t have MD after my name. On many of these occasions when I would go along and go to the doctor, my opinion was the same as the doctors. This would make her very angry. She would constantly look at the doctors and say that she’s not crazy and just want to be safe. This all stopped when she took it upon herself to take the children to the doctors and hide it from me so that I couldn’t go. Or she would notify me when she new I wasn’t available and on short notice. At that point I knew that I couldn’t trust what she was telling me about their care. I would call the doctors and get a completely different story than she was giving me. So I again had to try to manage the situation as best that I could. Sometimes even arguing with doctors that I knew were enabling this behavior. Questioning what they were being told and what reality really was. Examples like, the kid is having seizures. When the only one that saw the seizures was the mother. Elevated fevers that were always reported as higher than recorded. When my twins were going for school physicals as young teens they actually requested that I take them because their mother embarrassed them. Having a close relationship with them, I accompanied them and they both had normal findings with no issues and a comfortable setting. Does not this confirm what was going on? I did what I had to do and I did it the right way. When I have had the occasion to take the children to the doctors, I take the time to explain to them what is going on. When the HPV vaccine came out, of course the mother pushed for it. I on the other had tried to get the children to ask questions and understand what it was and why. I left it up to them. My opinion was that it was new long term effects were not known and that it was probably something they needed to consider before becoming sexually active. Ultimately it is their body and part of growing up is learning how to take care of themselves and make wise medical decisions. I have been very concerned about them doing what I have seen their mother do to herself over the years. I have witnessed more unneeded test that she went through knowing full well that she was exaggerating symptoms. There were many times she would have the episodes right before issues that she had caused were about to come back on her. Like the piano that she financed in my name and told me that her mother bought was about to be repossessed. The truth was going to come out and it just so happened that she was in the hospital having tests for kidney stones. The truth came out. The piano got repossessed. And the doctors couldn’t find anything to match the symptoms that she was having. That is when I first heard the term Munchausens. The doctor was not happy with her and said she
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    I had to agree with the doctor. At the time this was going on, she was opening credit in my name and hers and was maxing out cards while not maligning payments and hiding all of the mail from me so that I wouldn’t find out. I found out. I tried to cope. I had already been through the denial for several years. I had enough. I called everyone for help. Her family was called. I pleaded with them to get her some help. I did this thinking that any reasonable person would see the situation and see the problem. Problem is that they were in denial and had been told so many lies about me that they accepted her lie that it was all my fault and the tables were turned again. I surely thought that the honest court system would see through the lies and help my children and myself to have some peace. Not the case. It only spawned more lies and deceit. Now the court was enabling this abusive behavior on me and as was her plan, I had no rights. I abided by court order and was constantly threatened while she would not obey court orders and when I threatened to finally take her back to court for violating the court order, she played the system again with lies and successfully turned the tables on me she filed another protection order on me the day I brought my first born son home from the hospital. Weeks after the alleged threat. Her lawyer wouldn’t represent her. I cross filed on behalf of myself and my children and finally to told the court what was really going on. They were starting to get it.
    The reason for the recollection of past events is to show again what the patterns are and what has really been going on. I have been bullied for years and my children have been used as pawns in this woman’s quest to see me suffer. She has never been forced to take responsibility for her actions and has successfully used the system. In this most recent event, the table have again been turned and even after a supervised visit in which the mother begged for forgiveness and cried, she is again denying that she did anything wrong. She is actually trying to blame me. I do not understand how I can be blamed for two weeks of false sickness, two weeks of school missed, multiple doctor visits and drugs, lying to me about her condition or anything else in this case. But yet somehow the tables are turned once again and somehow this is all my fault as she and her husband are now trying to convince my daughter and everyone else. I again do not understand how this can happen but as I explained to cys in the beginning of this investigation I fully expected it. How sad is that? Expecting a deserved apology once again I not only get the wound the salt starts to be poured on. It is time for a professional to understand what is happening here. I can’t suffer through it anymore. Life is too short and too many years have already been wasted on this drama. I want out.

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  • Kristina
    October 10, 2013

    Hi Melanie and fellow survivors! My story could take years and I am sure everyone here can relate to the craziness. I was married for 14 years and four children. During my marriage I experienced jealousy, control, rage, gaslighting, lies, lies and did I say lies?? Silent treatment , twisting things, kidnapping, suicide attempts and more, I didn’t know what the hell was going on. During my marriage I lost my precious daughter at the age of 17. My daughters death was used to further abuse me during the marriage and during the divorce. Two years in the court system and I can tell you this, I had NO idea what a monster this man really was until we entered the court system. The kids and I lost everything but one another!! I fought like hell to keep my kids, I didn’t care about the other things. One of my biggest mistakes was not understanding the value of NC and not reacting! Oh, I reacted alright. The first year of separation I just knew he would say he was sorry he would understand why I had to leave him, he would change if I could make him understand! Yeah right!! I was the crazy one and he remained calm and hid behind his atty!I thought I was dying!! This pain, this craziness, what was happening??? I can tell you what changed my whole life around! Realizing I could never change a man that lived in complete denial of any pain he put on to me or my children. realizing I was focusing too much on what he did to me and reacting to every down right dirty rotten thing he and his atty did to me and my children ! I started focusing on me! Who was I ? I dug to the deepest part of my soul and worked on pain from childhood!! I worked on my issues of why I was so damn co dependent I allowed myself to be treated worse than a dog! Once I started to work on me and my issues he could not hurt me anymore. Yes, he still causes pain, he still pulls the same ole tricks and the smear campaign against me and the kids but guess what?? I don’t care! I own my truth and I have faced my demons and he can’t break the new love I have found for myself for the first time in my life! His lies don’t change my truth! I don’t react anymore, I don’t let him define my self worth any longer! It’s the hardest work I have ever done , beside losing my daughter! I do have PSTD and I work on those issues daily without any medication. I have learned what sets me off, I work out, I journal, what ever it takes to to become whole ! I am currently writing a book and I am so proud of myself. I am not a writer or have any experience in that field but I have my story. Thank you Melanie, for the wonderful web site and giving us all the power , the tools and the confidence to regain our lives back, to overcome horrendous pain , to look within ourselves and heal from whatever we need healing from. We can all do it. It takes WORK! Bad days, days we feel we are not going to survive, days we feel we have nothing left , but WE DO and WE CAN! Cheering you all on and holding you all in my prayers!! I know I am not at the end of the road when dealing with N but I do have the tools and knowledge now and I now know I can’t control his behavior but I an control mine. Change is so hard. Changing our thought process, thoughts about ourselves and trying to erase the things they put into our heads for so many years . Tape it to your forehead, to your mirror whatever you have to do, just start believing YOU are worth just as much as anyone else on this earth and no one can make us feel unworthy except our self!

  • Kim
    October 24, 2013

    I want to say how true this advice is. I am in a divorce/custody battle with a narcissistic man. I was afraid to leave for years, even though I knew I should, because I was afraid of his threats. For all of the years of my marriage I thought that it was my job to show him who I truly was, that these ideas he had about me were false and if I could just make him see. I realize now that I was fighting an impossible battle. I was so easily baited by his comments, his accusations. I would constantly defend myself. When I finally left and filed for divorce, I knew it was going to be a battle. But, my strategy was to not respond, to not get dragged into his accusations. I held the belief that I knew truth would reveal itself. It was hard because he disparaged me to everyone that would listen, friends, neighbors, my employer, my children’s teachers, all of the people involved in our case. I just held my head high and imagined myself being surrounded by a white light of protection. Because I did not respond or engage and kept my communications with him “official” only, everyone started to see through his lies. The Guardian ad Litem restricted his visitation to supervised and ordered him to undergo psychiatric evaluation. We are still in the midst of this battle, but I am confident it will end well for me. I gave him enough rope and he hung himself….

    It is nice to know that I am not alone. That others are experiencing similar situations. If you are contemplating leaving a relationship with a narcissist, don’t be afraid to leave. You did not fail, there is nothing you can do to change the situation. You are being abused and you deserve better.

  • Carrie
    October 30, 2013

    By the time I left my ex I had nothing left, he had destroyed or taken everything of any value to me, monetary or sentimental. He had sabotaged my work truck to the point it was no longer running so my business was barely hanging on. When I left I was destitute, my family had turned their backs on me because I had gone back to him when he came to me after 3 months of no contact saying he had been given 6 months to live and pleaded with me to take him back.

    My business was doing very well at that time and once I went back to him he made a concerted effort to destroy everything I had worked so hard to build up.

    We were together a total of 10 years and in that ten years he managed to destroy not only all my possessions but my self confidence and faith in myself.

    It took me two years, one suicide attempt, and much soul searching, praying, and no contact but I managed to turn my life around. I had gotten myself a good job, was buying my dream cottage on a lake in a gated community and life was good.

    He was engaged to another woman and I thought I was free of him until a mechanic friend working on my truck found a tracking device. I also figured out he was tracking my cell phone. I have a blog about my experiences with him because I made it through and I wanted to help other victims. Turn a bad experience into something good, well he found it and started posting under different names, telling all sorts of lies. initially I was upset but changed my settings so comments had to be moderated and was able to track the IP #’s of the comments made by him under different names. So he was busted and stopped commenting.

    Shortly after I moved into the gated community where I was buying my house the management board got an anonymous complaint about arguing coming from my unit in the middle of the night. none of my neighbours knew anything about it so it blew over but |I was on edge, was it him somehow?

    Then I got called into the office where I worked and told I was fired. A concerned citizen had seen me parked in the company truck at a gas station close to where I live doing crack cocaine and drinking Mikes Hard Lemonaide.

    I was flabbergasted and knew exactly what was going on. I tried to explain that my ex is a psycho trying to destroy me but I could tell they thought I was just trying to defend myself. They said the person who called was a man of the law. I said, “well then why didn’t he arrest me if he saw me doing drugs and drinking?” They said he was a fireman.

    I pointed out to them that, IF I was doing drugs and drinking why would I park 5 minutes from where I live and do it in broad daylight at a busy gas station when I could just go home to the privacy of my own home.

    They already had my cheque made out and I was told they had their minds made up and I left, with my final words being that someone was lying to them.

    Shortly after that I had a heart attack and didn’t pursue taking them to court, I didn’t think I needed the stress and I didn’t know how I would prove it was my ex lying.

    Then the people who hold my mortgage got an email supposedly from the management board saying that there had been numerous complaints about the arguing coming from my place in the middle of the night. I explained how my ex was trying to destroy anything good in my life and fortunately the couple knows my ex from before and knew I was telling the truth. I told the management board to tell whoever was complaining to call someone on the board the next time this fighting was going on so that they could hear it for themselves. I said I guarantee you that you will not be woken up in the middle of the night because there is no fighting going on. They didn’t know what I was talking about, they said that since the first complaint there hadn’t been any more and no one had contacted the owners of the house.

    He was trying to get me kicked out.

    it was quiet for a while, I told no one why I got fired because I was afraid they wouldn’t believe me. Then I did a search on his usual User Name and up popped a blog using my blog name in the title and my full name in the body of the his blog. It went on about how a concerned citizen had seen me doing cocaine and drinking mikes and got me fired.
    That was the proof I needed to prove he did it because absolutely no one else knew. I called my closest friend and told her about what I had found and I went back in an hour later and the part about me being fired had been removed.

    I have kept copies of everything he posted and after a few weeks the blog disappeared. As God would have it, everything worked in my favor and he didn’t succeed in his attempt to ruin me yet again, but I have kept copies of every lie he has every told about me and if he tries again he will find himself in court and I will sue him. I know that fact that he didn’t succeed must be eating away at him so I would not be the least bit surprised to see him pop back into my life with more lies.

    It has been 3 years in November and he still can’t let it go even though he says he is so happy with the “love of his life”. They are just evil people who don’t want anyone else to have anything or any happiness. Every time one of his attempts to destroy my good name failed or ended up working in my favor he came back with more lies and wilder claims until he didn’t even make sense at all any more. He started to tell lies that were actually humorous and once I calmly pointed out certain facts to people they could see the truth immediately. I just happened to have a shitty boss at that time, but I have a better job now anyway.

  • kn
    November 12, 2013

    Heart breaking to see so many people forced to coparent with narcissistic personality disorders present in the relationship. We can thank the media here in the good old USA for that …the overall mentality here has evolved into such a “ME! ME! ME!” society mindset, it has become all about winning and control vs what’s best for the kids. Regardless of who think he/she is the “better parent,” (usually both believe they are) we must constantly remind ourselves how we are damaging our kids by serving our own best interests. Often we are unaware we are even doing this. We love our kids & believe they’re better off having more time with us, because we love them so much. But sometimes, REAL LOVE MEANS LETTING GO. REAL LOVE MEANS SACRIFICE. Kids need a stable environment & routine, they do not deserve a life as nomads because their parents can’t get along. I’m a college educated, professional woman, but truly believe feminism was the biggest blow EVER to the family unit. When it comes to parenting, men & women are NOT created equal. And this “50/50 custody is best for kids” BS happening

  • kn
    November 12, 2013

    (CONTINUED) mindset throughout this country is doing irreparable damage to our kids. They are being shuffled back/forth between homes like nomads, no control whatsoever of their personal lives & schedules, because their parents are too focused on convenience and/or view them as possessions or leverage. It makes me sick. People, get over your big bad selves and grow the f*** up! If you are unlucky & coparent with a narcissist, the most loving & generous gift you could ever give your kids is compassion. Don’t fall in the trap & try to one up them. Kids are much smarter these days & quickly see through manipulation & lies. Be the parent who does the right thing” & even though it will likely mean sacrifice, you will forever be the hero in your child’s eyes. if THAT is not the ultimate reward of a life well lived, then what is? Best case scenario, your narcissistic ex is forced to examine his/her ways because you refuse to play, and they continue looking like the ass to the kids. Your kids win either way, do NOT fall into the trap of fighting fire with fire, use unfortunate circumstances to teach your children about compassion & grace, setting your ego aside, and the worst of situations could turn out to be the most significant in the lives of your children. :-)

  • Ali
    December 12, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    It is really an inspiring article. However, I have to disagree with “You will find that authorities see the truth, the patterns and the pathologies extremely easily.” In my 3-years long court battle, which is still ongoing, I didn’t see it. The judge, police, social workers all work against you. Even if the true evidences are presented and the lies are pointed out with good documentation, the authorities just ignore them. They tend to believe the “heart-breaking” stories of the NPD and gives big weight on NPD’s “poor” appearance. I don’t believe any more the judges, police and social workers are smart enough to see all the lies, or they even care about it. All they listen to is heart-breaking stories and accusations. Even when my NPD didn’t execute the court order, the court didn’t do anything but scheduled another court hearing for February 2014. My NPD already filed pages and pages of affidavits full of garbage. I don’t believe my next court appearance will be about her contempt of court order any more, it will be about her allegations mainly. So, if you are in contempt of court order, don’t worry: file affidavit against your partner and make accusations; you will go unpunished and your partner gets no recognition for executing court orders with utmost diligence.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 12, 2013

      Hi Ali,

      This article includes doing the inner work – in order to be able to generate from within ourselves a complete change in how we relate to and co-create with ‘the field of life’.

      I have seem an incredible amount of people who do the inner work release the experience of banging their head against a brick wall, and start to align with the attraction and support of the right people, including legal authorities.

      The common denominator is there is an internal shift out of pain, fear and obsession into a deep inner knowing of solidness and empowerment.

      Then ‘life’ begins to reflect that back.

      In every experience of narcissistic cause, trying to battle whilst in pain, fear and obsession simply brings ‘more’.

      That is what personal evolution is about – becoming internally the emotional change that matches what we want to create.

      Mel xo

      • Ali
        December 12, 2013

        Thank you Melanie for replying to my comment so promptly. Since the time I decided to stand up for myself 3 years ago, I experienced multiple court cases, multiple arrests, criminal trials and all kind of civil court hearings. It is still going on. I was acquitted from a criminal charge advanced by my NPD just 2 weeks ago. However, now she is using the child as a weapon and making allegations for child abuse which I never did and she denied all access to my daughter despite there has been an existing court order for child access from last year. Social workers, child therapists and child ministry have been in her support without even giving me a chance to tell them my story. That is why I sometimes feel helpless and alone and unfairness in the justice system. Just after my criminal trial has ended she filed an application for a protection order and the judge adjourned the hearing until the end of February 2014. Despite the fact that I was found not guilty and my NPD was unable to substantiate and child abuse, she still has received support from several government organizations and she very bravely claimed that she was no under obligation of executing the child access order. No one, even the judge, asked a single question from her about her contempt; the judge just postponed the court hearing. That is why sometimes I really feel injustice sometimes.

        Yes, I agree with you. Staying calm and getting rid of the internal fear and pain help a lot in handling the NPD’s attack. But sometimes, it is hard to do that. Perhaps, it takes some time to learn how to truly reclaim our inner power.

        I learned the terminology “Narcissist” about 1.5 years ago. I have never heard of that word before. (English is my 3rd language). I regret I was not aware of the existence of such a disorder until last year and I didn’t have a chance to read your blog earlier. Your blog helped me a lot to get better and escape, at least partly, from the pain and fear I had experienced. I am much better compared to last year. However, I still have things to improve. I need to feel the true empowerment and solidness in my soul.

        Finally, thank you for your reply and reminding me about the internal shift of pain, fear and obsession into solidness and empowerment. Now, I am feeling better again compared to the moment I posted my previous comment. Thank you very much. I really appreciate if you could write an article about handling the smear campaigns the NPD brought against us, especially when the campaigns involve in legal authorities.

        All the best to you and your loved ones,

        Regards,

        Ali

  • lucy
    December 15, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    I am going through a divorce from narcissistic ex husband. I wish I had known about this disorder from the beginning. It really clarifies all my intense confusions of who he is and why I always felt my head was spinning. The only way I could explain to others was that his view of the world and reality was somewhat distorted, but at the same time there would be some doubt as to whether I was the crazy one instead. But now that I know there is an official psychiatric disorder, it really gets me out of the haze, thank God. As many agree, not many out there would know or understand unless they have experienced these people. Which brings me to my next Q. I have a lawyer who appears ok, but I am wondering if there are lawyers who have experience in dealing with these people in Australia. Would you by any chance have heard or know of any “narcissism specialists”. I wouldn’t be holding you responsible and the decision would be solely mine on the choice of lawyers. It’s just that it is hard to explain why I need to be on the ball with everything on the divorce from the ex.

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  • Mitzy
    December 30, 2013

    To illustrate an exchange with a narcissistic individual I am starting to NOT miss at all
    Me, “So what about me taking you in (during divorice proceedings final stages within days of being final) to MY home and caring for you to include washing your backside”. When he had no one to help him after knee surgery.
    Me “so you sure are being nasty to me now, with the who the hell are you attitude”

    Narcissistic ex spouse, “That was strictly business”

    Me, “so then you won’t mind that I took more money from the refund check to pay myself back for all YOUR cost (picking up medicine, heat, water, propane,walker, raised toliet seat, medical equipment, water bottles, heating pads, and other “goodies” recover from surgery food, blankets and luxuries”

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    Me, “Yes I did, it was YOU who stated it was strictly business, and if that were the case you would have had to pay someone to care for you and reembursed them for YOUR costs of things they got cause YOU couldn’t get out of bed. ”

    Narcissistic person, “what a bitch”.

  • Mitzy
    December 30, 2013

    Once you realize the narcissist stand for nothing has no loyalty to anyone but self preservation at any cost, and that he will be a total hypocrite in EVERY facet of his life, and lies like a whore in church, THEN you will understand WHY your head is spinning. Also note, if you can’t tell them NO, without out them trying to make that NO a yes, then most likely you have had dealings with a narcissistic person.

  • Silent
    January 4, 2014

    Just remember:

    YOU are the one who can “fix” his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be So Much Better than his last ones, because you’re special! With you, he’ll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won’t become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won’t play headgames anymore. He’ll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. He won’t be rude or unkind or disrespectful like he was with those other women. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE’S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he’s removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his shit together. Not because he REALLY apologized (without interlacing it with blame) to anyone he harmed in the past, or made amends. Not because he’s done any REAL work. Not because he’s actually admitted to his real motivations, or made a single sincere change.

    *** We can heal they can’t. ***

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    I have a pretty sad story as well. I am a 0 year old mom of 3. I hava an advanced degree and worked for 15 yearsbefore getting involved with a NPD. He was amazing at first–but that only lasted for a year–if that. He was physicaly abousive and verbally abusive andlied all the darn time. Then he would tell me it was becaseu hi sfirst wife had f’d himup sobadly. Iactually believed him and allowed him to get away with his bad behavior. Then I slipped into thinking I could educate him on how lying is bad and hoped that if he saw his lies for what they were–it would somehow get him to change. He was no help withthe first child we had but tried to ack like farther of the year to everyone else. Then I had twins and he also didn’t helpo wit htem. I had been in and out of counseling trying to figure out how to live in this horrible marriage. Then the worst thing happened to me. I developed a medical condition that affected my lungs but also made me very, very sensitive to chemicals and nonionizing radiaton. I could not use many personal care and/or cleaning products. I was unabloe to use a cell phone or wifi or any wireless stuff. I got severe headaches and burning in my skin and eyes. My NPD was having an affair too. When I found this out and threated divorce–he immediately began building a case against me to say that I was insane, an unfit mother, and could not care for the children. Truth be told–i am a great mom and have put everything I have into raising my children while he was watching sports, working, and having affairs.My medical conditon is verydifficult to live with and I have to avoid exposures to chemicals and wireless stuff. He has told the court that I am insane and that my conditions aremade up. He started a ‘file’ on me to ‘prove’ that I am crazy. He makes up readio advertising and so has created an ad campaign of sorts against me. I haveto avoid chemicals as I have said and I have to sleep in a faraday canopy to avoid exposures to other peoles wifi etc at night. It helps me to sleep and not experience the physical symptoms that I have described. He has convinced the courts that I am crazy becasue of this. He has convinced them that he has never been abusive. He is seeking custody of three kids that don’t even really like him. He is already on his second “soul mate’ in on year. He told his new gal; that he loved her and that she was his soul mate after less than a month of knowiong her. I have been the object of all kinds of untrue smear campaigns: I am nuts; I’ve threatened his life; I’ve try\ied to sell his belongings; I am incapable of caring for the kids; I behave erratically…… It never stops. I am worried that the court may not see the truth in this case becasue of my unusual medical condition. He focuses on this all the time even though it has not affected my ability to care for my children. It has greatly affected MY quality of life. It is almsot imposible to go anywhere without being exposed to wireless stuff in some form or another. He tried to go to my friends and family and convince them that I was nuts. However, they know me and know tha I am as sane as ever. He has convinced the courts I am afraid because he keeps filing things tha are crazy–but paint me in a crazy light. They are all false and I spend all my time trying to counter them. My oldest son hates his fater becsue his dad is unrelenting in pushing his buttons and making him angry. My son calls his dad out on his NPD behavior and that makes my husband very angry because my son isn’t an adoringfan anymore. He has been em,otrionally abusive toward him for years really in that subtle NPD way where you know it and the child feels it but it is hard to pinpoint while it is happening and you are emeshed in the situation. 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    • carol
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      Hi Veronica, how are you sister? I’m in Indiana. I had one Heck of a good attorney who sliced the ex up like a Christmas ham. She turned him into a babbling idiot, to the extent that his own witnesses started walking out of court during our divorce. I thought it was a fairly expensive divorcee, but a good lawyer can see the lies easily and expose them to the court. She even had a pre printed list of all the nasty things my ex would likely say and do to me, and told me to disregard anything he says or does on the list. It was a list of narcissistic behaviors. She knew! She was very familiar with narcs and knew how to handle them. Reply if you need more info.
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    My “husband” is without a doubt the WORST case senario Narcissist Ive EVER KNOWN or even heard about. He also has trashed me to get back at me for seeing through his act and busting him out on it, for not taking his crap anymore and for wanting him OUT! He has lied to me from literally DAY ONE! He lied even ABOUT HIS AGE!! He’s waaay too young for me, but just wanted someone to use and take advantage of for anything and everything. To get back at me, he has now been hacking my phone and computer for years, recorded things he could us against me, and sent the recordings to literally every single person he knows, even people that don’t even know me! He even sent them to his army unit to turn them against me and on HIS SIDE!! This was all to make ME out to be “the bad guy”! He started doing it way back when he first started living with me on MY property and I was actually SUPPORTING HIM! Thats what he does. Anything you say that he’s not sure he likes, he might not show it at the time, but he will remember it and backstab you the first chance he gets.
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    Hello folks! I married a crazy narcissist and alcoholic, had 3 kids with him, and got divorced 12 years ago. It was horrible. I used anger and hate to keep him away from me until I was sure I could detach. Once I detached, it was great! I’ve watched him systematically destroy himself over the past years. He’s been unable to keep up with his own lies due to his alcoholism and his house of cards has finally come tumbling down. He’s a screaming, raging, pathetic mess. His longtime girlfriend finally left, along with the last of his friends (many have died from drug and alcohol incidents). He is financially destitute, as his girlfriend paid his way, has wrecked all his vehicles, and is about to be evicted. Everyone has left him and he has nothing. Yet, he still thinks I owe him something, money mostly. He bellows and swears in rage when I tell him no. He can’t understand why “he’s been so screwed over”. His house of cards has fallen and no one cares anymore. I have actually lived to see the day! Its strange, my 2 teenage daughters are worried about their dad, but give him no quarter. My 16 year old son, on the other hand, believes we are all awful people for not giving his dad money, and has even moved in with him to show his support. I’m ok with that, but unfortunately dad has got to him, making him believe he’s so down on his luck and the world is against him. He doesn’t understand how dad is manipulating him and using him. I always thought he was the most emotionally intelligent one and least likely to be swayed, guess I was wrong.
    What I’m getting at, is these crazy people need a team of others to make their lies work. If no one pays attention, the facade is useless. I’m just waiting for my son to realize he’s being used and manipulated by a fading master, and the self destruction will be complete.
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    I would live to say that the narcissist will unravel etc. And the truth will win but unfortunately that is not true in my case. Yes, I and the children are free and my husbands threat of leaving me with nothing and taking the kids from me was only half true. I made the mistake of telling my husband I was filing for divorce after I retained a lawyer. He filed four minutes before me making him the plaintiff. The lies he told..love and over. The two temporary hearing. (Because he did leave us with nothing) did not go his way BUT he was allowed to lie and manipulate and drag the divorce out by not complying etc. He makes a good desl of money and was able to continue to pay his lawyer all the while not answer discovery not provide documents and force my attorney to work that hard to compel efc. Until I found myself in the arrears financially with my legal team. Mandatory mediation is required by my county even in the cases of domestic abuse and after 11 hours or mediation, my lawyer threatening to quit and no money to go further I signed the settlement agreement. Now, my husband is petitioning for divorce and asking that the settlement agreement be accepted based on the seperation of one year. In other words my voice has been silenced and now is silenced forever as no one will ever know what hell we went through because I can’t afford to tell anyone. This is not right and I understand that I should be happy to make a fresh break and heal but truth did not prevail in this case and never will. How many of us are out there?

    • MishaM
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      There are so many of us out there. Mine has been going on for over 14 years and he is still dragging me back to Family Court over our teenage child who wants nothing to do with him. It is exhausting emotionally but mostly financially as I still struggle to represent myself. The courts are a N’s playground. They know they can manipulate there better than anywhere. No one knows their past and personality, they throw in the charms and present well. Wish me luck I need it!

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  • Nalee
    October 8, 2014

    Thank you so much for this article. After a year and a half i discovered i was in love with a liar, which took me completely by surprise. As soon as we met I was swept off my feet and we blissfully began to fall in love. I am a single mother of a five year old disabled son. He told me he wanted to marry me. There were times I was concerned due to his random moments of sudden disinterest, it was like jekyll and hyde, never did i think he had a personality disorder until i started to do some reading. He confessed as a teenager he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder however he wasnt interested in speaking to a professional. I loved him so much I was willing to support him and be patient no matter what especially since we were building a life together. The things he used to worship about me became his new criticisms. He spoke of other women, he secretly joined 4 online dating websites, he began sex texting an old friend of his, he engaged in internet porn and believe me it was unnecessary because we had an amazing sex life; he went as far to create an account on instagram and send me pictures of himself with a girl he had just started to date. I was horrified and heartbroken because we were still in a relationship although it was not very strong at that time. I know he wanted to see me crumble. He came back to me after a month into his “new” relationship stating there was no connection with the new girland he had ended it and he begged me to reconcile with him. At this point i knew that was all about his need for power, control and feeding his ego. He knew how much i loved him and how loyal my heart and soul was to him so i agreed to begin to see each other again if he gets therapy. He agreed. Three days later i get a call from the girl he was seeing asking me if ive spoken to “her boyfriend”. I was disgusted so i proceeded to tell her the truth, he had lied to her as well, i wasnt surprised, by now we had been together 2 years and nothing surprised me. The worst of it all was he spent Mothers Day with me, we made love all afternoon and then he spent that evening with her and her family for her birthday. He told me another story of course. I still cant get over how he could do that and have zero conscience? I still dont understand how he can be so in love and dedicated. There have been times he has stood in the rain outside my window throwing rocks to get my attention. He has begged me never to leave his life. I had always promised to love him and forgive him. I find him to be heartless and cruel. I dont understand how i didnt see this coming. Anyway thank you for the article. It is important for me to stay strong a d true to myself and my son.

  • Jossy
    October 13, 2014

    Huh, i’ve read the article so insightful. Thank you. The comments are deep – painful. Am going through a court battle with ex-husband, a liar (moved in with mistress days after separation and after he had used every bit of my finances) and he tells lies to police & court and they believe him – he threatened me not to shift with our 6yr old daughter & am fighting to get back- she is being verbally abused by his wife. Amnt giving up, i pray i win & get over thhis pathological liar.

  • LynnD
    October 16, 2014

    “you may feel incredibly shattered when you think, How on earth could I have ever been in a relationship with this person?” How about when you had no choice but were BORN into a Narc infested family?

    “Authorities will usually agree” “Authorities” are usually either Narcissists themselves or under the “authority” of a higher Narc
    “The truth wins out – ALWAYS.” Hmm, tell that to Casey Anthony’s daughter, Kaylee.

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