When you are living with narcissistic abuse, you may have felt like everything is your fault.
When you understand and become more versed on how narcissists operate, you begin to realise that narcissists project their disowned unacceptable parts on to you and make you out to be the enemy.
Narcissists whittle, and blast away at your self-worth and self-belief, and because the arguments and tirades become so disturbing, so exhausting and so painful you will at these times be constantly defending yourself, fighting for your integrity and trying against all odds to prove that you are a good person with integrity, and it’s the narcissist that is actually these things which he or she is accusing you of.
It is a fruitless battle….
Here are some of the common things that the narcissist will accuse you of being:
- Non caring and incapable of being a loving partner
- A bad parent
- A ‘gold digger’
- Competing with him or her
- Untrustworthy to confide in or go to for support
- Doing what you do in the world simply for ego gratification
…the list goes on and on, and of course you may be accused of
- Being a narcissist.
The Narcissist has Set You Up for Blame
If you have battled with co-dependency, over-functioning and poor boundary function you will be very susceptible to accepting the blame, or get caught up in trying to defend yourself against the blame.
The narcissists will use an example in the past however ridiculous it is to pin the reasons why he or she has this dirt on you. Before you know it you will be justifying yourself, and trying to argue your defence.
If you start expertly tackling this – then the narcissist will shift a gear, and bring in allies, real or imagined evidence from other people, or will hit you at your most vulnerable wound which renders you powerless. This may be ‘fear of abandonment’ as an example. The narcissist will infer the relationship is over, or actually state it and leave.
Effectively the narcissist has lined you up as the scapegoat for everything he or she is playing out, and because you have fought for your rights, and didn’t go along with the narcissist’s version of you (the projection used to stop them confronting their own stuff), the narcissist has punished you exactly where he or she knows it hurts the most.
Some people to avoid this destruction of being hit at their most fearful core and start accepting the blame, and actually start believing it! This is soul-destroying and is exactly how to lose your sense of self. The narcissist is relentless, he or she is an angry tormented child in an adult’s body without the capacity for remorse, accountability or conscience, and therefore even if you do accept the blame, and start believing you really are a horrible or defective person, the narcissist will not grant you any peace.
The narcissist is in constant inner turmoil with all sorts of ‘I’m not good enough’ stories running in his or her head that have to be transferred onto someone else in order to make that person ‘wrong’, ‘unacceptable’ and ‘evil’. The narcissist cannot emotionally survive any other way – and if you are the intimate partner no matter how much you just agree to keep the peace, the onslaughts don’t stop coming.
This is the model for people who are married to narcissists for years, and even decades. Sadly these are the people that have rolled over become the scapegoat and fade away and die inside.
The Narcissist Escalates until they Win
If you fight back, then inevitably the narcissist will take it to the next level to stay on top and preserve their monstrous ego. You will be lined up, attacked, and brutalised whilst the narcissist creates even more reason to create you as the scapegoat.
And as a result the narcissist can cause you to act in indecent ways, because hooking into crazy people make you act crazily…
Now you will be accused of:
- Not taking responsibility
- Not being accountable for your behaviour – which of course the narcissist will try to punish you and force accountability regarding
- Being false in the world, and hiding behind ‘yes’ people
- And more than likely if you have already been called a narcissist, now you will have become ‘a high-level narcissist’.
So you can see the worse the narcissist becomes in his or her projections on to you, the worse he will accuse you of everything that he or she is doing…
Be aware – the narcissist has very few limits. If he or she has decided you will be broken and made accountable the narcissist is capable of going to horrific lengths to ensure that. The more you stand up in retaliation the higher the level of the abuse will go.
This may include
- Using authorities as weapons
- Physical violence
- Sabotage of your operations
- Severe damage to your reputation
- Blackmail and threats
So you can understand that accepting blame or retaliating is not your answer. Don’t think you can pin a narcissist or force his or her accountability by fighting back – he or she has arsenal in the tool bag that you would never even dream of having or using. You are no match – that is unless you wish to sell your soul and start operating on a similarly destructive and malicious level – but even then the narcissist is an experienced expert, and you could only at best ever be a rank amateur.
So how do I Keep Myself Intact Without Defending Myself or Fighting Back?
Stop fighting and trying to make the narcissist accountable and learn what true boundaries are with unreasonable people who have no conscience or empathy. Your true boundaries are (if living with someone you suspect is a narcissist) stop accepting blame, stop defending yourself, stop arguing back, and stop trying to argue with someone who is in their head blaming you for things that you know you are not doing!
Okay so here is the response you need to use.
“That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not mine, so as far as I’m concerned that’s your problem.”
Then leave the scene, and get on with what you are doing, and don’t participate with this person again unless they are going to be respectful.
If the scene changes to emotional blackmail, threats or taking it to another level to inflict pain, you know you are dealing with a narcissist or at the very least someone with narcissistic traits. No matter how hard it is, don’t hook, regardless of the triggers which get pushed in you, don’t retaliate, and of course if things escalate to the damage of yourself or your property it is time to call the police.
Angry five year olds in adult bodies don’t like it when they don’t get their own way, so you need to be responsible for yourself and prepared for what could erupt when you lay that boundary and refuse to keep being the scapegoat for the narcissist’s vile parts that he or she is not taking responsibility for.
As always don’t try to show your narcissist this information and bring to their attention what they are doing. That never works! Use this information as your personal defence against anyone in your life who is trying to hold you accountable for their own inner demons, and you will see they either start healing and taking responsibility (if this person has the resources to do so) or they will take it to the next level, which means you can’t be safe with this person and the relationship has to end…
The important point is you will get your answer and no longer will you have to endure being blamed for someone else’s inexcusable behaviour.
What choice do you have if you want to save your soul and life and start living a painless life that is your truth?
That’s right, “None”.