Melanie Tonia Evans

Stop Being The Scapegoat

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1

When you are living with narcissistic abuse, you may have felt like everything is your fault.

When you understand and become more versed on how narcissists operate, you begin to realise that narcissists project their disowned unacceptable parts on to you and make you out to be the enemy.

Narcissists whittle, and blast away at your self-worth and self-belief, and because the arguments and tirades become so disturbing, so exhausting and so painful you will at these times be constantly defending yourself, fighting for your integrity and trying against all odds to prove that you are a good person with integrity, and it’s the narcissist that is actually these things which he or she is accusing you of.

It is a fruitless battle….

Here are some of the common things that the narcissist will accuse you of being:

  • Adulterous
  • Non caring and incapable of being a loving partner
  • A bad parent
  • Materialistic
  • A ‘gold digger’
  • Competing with him or her
  • Untrustworthy to confide in or go to for support
  • Doing what you do in the world simply for ego gratification

…the list goes on and on, and of course you may be accused of

  • Being a narcissist.

 

The Narcissist has Set You Up for Blame

If you have battled with co-dependency, over-functioning and poor boundary function you will be very susceptible to accepting the blame, or get caught up in trying to defend yourself against the blame.

The narcissists will use an example in the past however ridiculous it is to pin the reasons why he or she has this dirt on you. Before you know it you will be justifying yourself, and trying to argue your defence.

If you start expertly tackling this – then the narcissist will shift a gear, and bring in allies, real or imagined evidence from other people, or will hit you at your most vulnerable wound which renders you powerless. This may be ‘fear of abandonment’ as an example. The narcissist will infer the relationship is over, or actually state it and leave.

Effectively the narcissist has lined you up as the scapegoat for everything he or she is playing out, and because you have fought for your rights, and didn’t go along with the narcissist’s version of you (the projection used to stop them confronting their own stuff), the narcissist has punished you exactly where he or she knows it hurts the most.

Some people to avoid this destruction of being hit at their most fearful core and start accepting the blame, and actually start believing it! This is soul-destroying and is exactly how to lose your sense of self. The narcissist is relentless, he or she is an angry tormented child in an adult’s body without the capacity for remorse, accountability or conscience, and therefore even if you do accept the blame, and start believing you really are a horrible or defective person, the narcissist will not grant you any peace.

The narcissist is in constant inner turmoil with all sorts of ‘I’m not good enough’ stories running in his or her head that have to be transferred onto someone else in order to make that person ‘wrong’, ‘unacceptable’ and ‘evil’. The narcissist cannot emotionally survive any other way – and if you are the intimate partner no matter how much you just agree to keep the peace, the onslaughts don’t stop coming.

This is the model for people who are married to narcissists for years, and even decades. Sadly these are the people that have rolled over become the scapegoat and fade away and die inside.

 

The Narcissist Escalates until they Win

If you fight back, then inevitably the narcissist will take it to the next level to stay on top and preserve their monstrous ego. You will be lined up, attacked, and brutalised whilst the narcissist creates even more reason to create you as the scapegoat.

And as a result the narcissist can cause you to act in indecent ways, because hooking into crazy people make you act crazily…

Now you will be accused of:

  • Not taking responsibility
  • Projecting
  • Not being accountable for your behaviour – which of course the narcissist will try to punish you and force accountability regarding
  • Being false in the world, and hiding behind ‘yes’ people
  • And more than likely if you have already been called a narcissist, now you will have become ‘a high-level narcissist’.

So you can see the worse the narcissist becomes in his or her projections on to you, the worse he will accuse you of everything that he or she is doing…

Be aware – the narcissist has very few limits. If he or she has decided you will be broken and made accountable the narcissist is capable of going to horrific lengths to ensure that. The more you stand up in retaliation the higher the level of the abuse will go.

This may include

  • Using authorities as weapons
  • Physical violence
  • Sabotage of your operations
  • Severe damage to your reputation
  • Blackmail and threats

So you can understand that accepting blame or retaliating is not your answer. Don’t think you can pin a narcissist or force his or her accountability by fighting back – he or she has arsenal in the tool bag that you would never even dream of having or using. You are no match – that is unless you wish to sell your soul and start operating on a similarly destructive and malicious level – but even then the narcissist is an experienced expert, and you could only at best ever be a rank amateur.

 

So how do I Keep Myself Intact Without Defending Myself or Fighting Back?

Stop fighting and trying to make the narcissist accountable and learn what true boundaries are with unreasonable people who have no conscience or empathy. Your true boundaries are (if living with someone you suspect is a narcissist) stop accepting blame, stop defending yourself, stop arguing back, and stop trying to argue with someone who is in their head blaming you for things that you know you are not doing!

Okay so here is the response you need to use.

“That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not mine, so as far as I’m concerned that’s your problem.”

Then leave the scene, and get on with what you are doing, and don’t participate with this person again unless they are going to be respectful.

If the scene changes to emotional blackmail, threats or taking it to another level to inflict pain, you know you are dealing with a narcissist or at the very least someone with narcissistic traits. No matter how hard it is, don’t hook, regardless of the triggers which get pushed in you, don’t retaliate, and of course if things escalate to the damage of yourself or your property it is time to call the police.

Angry five year olds in adult bodies don’t like it when they don’t get their own way, so you need to be responsible for yourself and prepared for what could erupt when you lay that boundary and refuse to keep being the scapegoat for the narcissist’s vile parts that he or she is not taking responsibility for.

As always don’t try to show your narcissist this information and bring to their attention what they are doing. That never works! Use this information as your personal defence against anyone in your life who is trying to hold you accountable for their own inner demons, and you will see they either start healing and taking responsibility (if this person has the resources to do so) or they will take it to the next level, which means you can’t be safe with this person and the relationship has to end…

The important point is you will get your answer and no longer will you have to endure being blamed for someone else’s inexcusable behaviour.

What choice do you have if you want to save your soul and life and start living a painless life that is your truth?

That’s right, “None”.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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32 Thoughts on Stop Being The Scapegoat
  • Cat
    February 24, 2012

    Wow! That article made me feel so convinced that I made the right decision to leave my N relationship. It was me to the very last word and my life. How on earth did I manage to stay with this N person for so long?? I guess I wanted to try to fix him to make him realise how he was treating me, but Melanie is so right, it is an excrusiating excercise in trying to get them to see reason and act in an adult way, with respect for the other person. I have left about 3 months ago, so I never have to cringe as to the next attack or be careful with what I say and do again. It is a huge relief! My life has been richer and I feel so empowered to get on with nurturing my passion for art, instead of doing a course in how to cope with a Narcissist. Thanks again Melanie! Tas

  • Andrea Moriah
    February 24, 2012

    Yep, that’s the Narcissist. The only answer for me was (after decades of abuse and blame and trying to “fix” things) to disengage, distance and divorce. No contact (except through email or intermediaries)is essential afterward so you are not sucked back into the dynamic. Keep away from the N – heal!

  • Bee
    February 24, 2012

    Melanie, you have such a beautiful and clear communication style. It is both empowering and a pleasure to read your articles. Please know that you are helping us to help ouselves in a really wonderful way!

  • Jaye
    February 25, 2012

    This, like everything else you write, hit so close to home. I was in a N relationship for over 30 years. While in that relationship, I bought into his accusations and blame. I am an intelligent woman but that intelligence was no match for him. I was constantly defending myself and our daughter against his emotional abuse but I couldn’t see it as abuse. Then, one year ago, he did me a huge favor. He left me!!! He’d found a new girlfriend, one who “needed” him and “supported” him. Even then I worked hard at winning him back! I even went as far as being friends with the two of them. He suggested that it might be a good plan for the three of us to live together!! And I considered it!!! After discovering your writings, I began to have a better sense of what was happening. I realized that I’d spent most of my life walking on eggshells, trying to keep him happy, and feeling like a failure when I didn’t succeed. I’m not yet totally free but I have a much clearer understanding of how he works and that has allowed me to strengthen myself against his continued attacks. Thank you!

  • KittyMama
    February 25, 2012

    Melanie, you are so “spot on”. I read and reread this article when I begin to doubt myself; when his poisonous lies seep back in and have me doubting if I was a good partner or not. I was true to myself and he couldn’t handle it and he DID dump all of his “uglies” on me… Thank you for being such a support to all!

  • Cheryl (beck)
    February 26, 2012

    I read these articles and responses as if they are water to my never ending thirst. It has been one year since my relationship ended and I still feel the pain, heartache and hurt. I have had one Quanta Freedom healing and it did help as well as all of the other work I have done on myself. I still try to figure out if there are no accidents what is my lesson? Intellectually I know, but my soul isn’t there yet and everyday I still feel his presence. I continue to move forward hoping that I will understand.

  • Noella
    February 26, 2012

    Thanks for your article. My N husband is insulting me…In the beginning of our relationship (2 years ago), I asked him not to if he wants me to keep respecting him, it just gotten worse over time, now I started insulting him back and throwing back all the negative energy that he makes me feel…As a N personality, he doesn’t realize the damage, doesn’t care and keeps doing it and when I question that, he says “Well, I will insult you if you deserve it!”.
    I m now thinking of using your reply “That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not mine, so as far as I’m concerned that’s your problem.” It shows more calm, self-assurance and serenity…Not sure it will work because sometimes I feel he has no HEART.

    • brandi
      February 28, 2012

      have been there for 20 yrs, that will not work and you having a heart will only feel bad for your behavior. Honestly i talked bad about his beloved mother to try to make him feel pain, there in lies the problem their lack of empathy does not allow them to feel or understand what pain is all about. Their all so powerful supposed pain is actually their feeling ego and arrogance talking~the only true things and what runs these people.You have to quit it all!Walk away and save yourself~YOU CANNOT AND WILL NOT CHANGE THEM!Good luck after 7 months away i have been sleeping all night (always thought this was due to our sev. disabled child),he had my nervous system frazzled!two awsome jobs thrown at me and i am fixing to buy a new car. I have also found an amazing sense of peace, I would not trade for anything. I have also gotten back in touch (deeper than ever before) with God, with whom non of this would be possible.I have peace to enjoy life.WOW!!! He will only always bring if not push you down! Good Luck

  • Lucita
    February 27, 2012

    Noella I can relate to feeling, person doesn’t have a heart. They can be so mean, cruel, they do seem heartless, but the right words can open and pierce hearts.

    It seems every person I met in my life have had some narcissistic traits, family, co-workers, employers, friends, surrounded by them.
    Melanie’s list of help me realize I took on
    the belief, I was guilty of acting like a gold digger. I couldn’t understand why some women could get financial support in their relationships, and when I asked ….it was bad. Yet, he drained my finances.

    Guilt, is the tough one..for I feel guilty of having these N. traits, especially burdening my daughter with excessive blame.
    This guilt feels worse than the emotion of fear.

  • al
    March 5, 2012

    Great article. I enjoy what you write and the insight that is provided. My partner has the traits listed as well as the typical explosive acts similiar to those with borderline. I have walked on egg shells worried about her emotional outbursts – either through what I may say/do that are unrelated to it all or her stuff from the past being triggered. As a emotionally aware male, I am gaining strength to deal with a partner that uses guilt manipulation, threats, blaming, sex/seduction and psychological warfare to get her own way. Thanks for a useful resource. A

  • lyn nielsen
    March 11, 2012

    Great article of truth. I am at this stage with a boundary set for her verbal abuse that is just being broken ever 3 weeks or so. When she needs a narc. feed! I Being a christian trying to do the right think I found If you read II Timothy chapter 3 you will see what the Apostle Paul says about them? And being a 2bit poet I wrote a poem about it.

    II Timothy 3

    For evil people rule the land,
    when allowed and when they can;
    And they will demand control of you to,
    when you and I allow them to;
    Deluded now from selfish pride,
    they refuse and cannot see the tide;
    Hardened hearts can only see,
    their side of truth, and God allows it to be;

    Where can I go, what can I do,
    there must be something I can hold on to;
    Dying to self, did not seem work,
    it just got worse and evil still lurked;
    Love them into the Kingdom you may say,
    they will change for sure sometime before May;
    In all humility you should correct with love,
    says my God, who I am in awe of;
    And if they have wisdom, they will truly say,
    I’ve been wrong, please forgive me this day;
    But I’m still waiting years now for that date,
    something is wrong here? there is way more hate;

    As jealous anger and bitterness spew,
    I opened my Bible to find out what is true;
    The proud and arrogant one is to blame,
    and Proverbs 21 says, mocker is their name;
    They behave with overweening pride,
    and your love cannot override;
    They will hate you when you correct,
    the love you show will not collect;
    Love to them is a pathetic thing,
    you win with projection, hate, and lying;
    They will worm their way into control,
    they manipulate your sins and steal your soul;
    Because what is sin to our eternal God
    is not to them, and thats their fraud;
    Their spirit of truth is just an occasional whim,
    you will not find it deep within;

    Have nothing to do with them! is your one and only chore,
    the Bible simply says, thats all there is, there is no more.

    I also find Biblically that what the bible calls a mocker (one who openly disrespects ) definition of a narc, that we are told not to correct them or they will hate you you can find a number of places in Proverbs.

    Lyn

  • N
    May 12, 2012

    I’m going to try the response:
    “That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not mine, so as far as I’m concerned that’s your problem.”
    I’ve been using “Sorry you feel that way” but still find myself trying to reason with him (via email only).
    We are divorced, but have a child together and it’s been a nightmare… He just was granted joint custody and the nightmare continues… I’ve GOT to work on MY BOUNDARIES with HIM!

  • jac
    May 14, 2012

    Halfway through saying “That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not mine, so as far as I’m concerned that’s your stuff” didn’t work with my ex N as he would cut me off before I got the sentence out! He was way too strong and I was not able to put up boundaries as he would crash them down any way possible. He would say things like, ‘you are a soft cock’ and ‘get over yourself’ when trying to say that line…then use it against me (mimick what I said) back at me, at another time, then accuse me of throwing it in his face or ‘peoples faces’ He was just too strong (on the outside of course) and I felt like an ant under his shoe every time. Boundaries mean nothing to a true high end Narc and they will find a way to break them. Best advice now I have been doing the recovery programme and out of the relationship…leave and find you, so you can live the life you have imagined, free from your guilded cage.

  • neveragain1
    July 19, 2012

    im a female who has delt with a mistake a past narc he trick me in beganing with one of my closes male friends who i ended my friendship from awhile back not knowing that he was a evil coniving revengful man he set me up this so called bf of mine who is a devious manipulative guy who wanted to use me in the to help my so bestfriend who i also things to him hes so powerful behind sceen monster who thinks to gud to aknowledge me til this day any the guy he set up with was a fraud that never loved me.

  • neveragain1
    July 19, 2012

    men take heart kindness as weakness and a asume if u dnt constanly tell them that there hurting u early in the game i.e relationship which i did he didnt cared i know why hes selfish uncaring lying wants forself fool who belives hes wiser than me i made my mistake him to someone cant and wont love me back who feed of my pain in the relationshipthen he planed with my ex friend who is now content with his destruation he put in my life but is patty guy i was seeing is very fix me help me and love fovever lier

  • neveragain1
    July 19, 2012

    yeah i gotten bad with him beacuse he is a narc he hates love and emotion that deals with the heart i got his number when i tried to show i care even in the mist of our fight he diss me like my feelings are weak why did i have feelings for my rapist beacause i have heart he dose nt why did i get mean angry and go off like i did to guard my heart he knows this dose he care hell nah because you he wants to control my mind to hurt me again be hes fool again i am nt him he is nt me there for Your Nt Stronger!!

  • neveragain1
    July 19, 2012

    He thinks he knows me telling me we think identical to eachother false that my retaliation will matter worst and suppose bow down and kneel to some homo coward behind screen he has another thing coming excus my term homo seeing hate i just like this guy he is a boy never to confused with he left cause he knows i am my own person he is very jelouse of this here female he had to break somthing of mine and If it was so worthless why he take it and break it cause It was mine andhe is a child brat evious clown

  • neveragain1
    July 19, 2012

    my guilded cage hun? ok listen here trollboy of the dam u think ur smart tlking all this shit behind the screen sick pedo coward u so bad text ma phone this crazy bullshit or better yet call it, Cause IM Tried of Dum Shit!!! wanna hid and crap. Come out frm up under the dam.

  • neveragain1
    July 19, 2012

    he dont know what love is and if he dose hes laughing at it love require patience and strength i quot from a friend of my nt the narc these are not his words but a friend who mist the important thing any realtionship there has to be respect for people wellbeing and feelings i hada problem in the being respect and letting others dictate who i am i was and im a loveing person was vunerbal depending on some worthless boy who was assigned to hurt me called me a loser in being showed his true colors begane.

  • neveragain1
    July 19, 2012

    I need man nt a little boy behind the screen who used my pics to lure men and watever the Fuck Else Like I said call or text little boy!! cause aint witno man men dnt do this to females by that i mean tourment them stalk them search up personal shit dose nt concern them this boy needs to get for his obsesion for wanting be girl! that its gone to far cause like u made it know females cant help u yet you want to confuse and ask for to fix anyway and gravol hun? little punk you had me i had u if it wasent me!

  • neveragain1
    July 19, 2012

    huh the five year stuck in a boys body please ik its You rewriting her words in the shadows so you say i have inner deamon right try getting along in a so called relationship with mean cruel devious boy and see what kind a person i can be u should be so pround u made me heartless bitter a prick as u say cold or watever yeah i even went there about ur mother hmm i wonder how u treat her i apoligize to ur mom cause she is mother but i aint to u all those things u said about me our a source of u

  • Carina Bång
    October 8, 2012

    To anyone in here who might want to read, this is my blog about co-dependency:
    http://www.codependencyinfo.blogspot.se/
    Take care!
    /Carina

  • SoulSurfer
    December 17, 2012

    I keep reading your insights and you’re making me shout out to the echo of my own voice. Someone understands! I can’t talk to anyone because nobody would believe me. Thank you for being out there. Thank you for your help.

    • Cheryl W
      December 31, 2012

      Exactly!
      I feel so much better today after reading that.
      My husbands mother has been doing that and I have been reacting just like was put out there.
      She lives in the upstairs of a house that se and my husband owned coo-owned.
      The day he died I was sitting in shock and I was told” You should move in with your daughter (in another town), there is nothing left for you here ( have a daughter and grandchildren in same town) Then later told my daughter here, your mom shouldn’t be alone, she’s going with you. I have been back a few times to get things I need, but am unsure how to proceed, will going for what is rightfully mine make me like her? I’d rather walk away from everything than have that happen to me. Just reading your article helped me NOT feel like a crazy lady.

    • Sue
      March 7, 2013

      Soulsurfer

      I think that is the most hurtful of being involved with an abuser they want you to think you are to blame and that no one else will believe you! In this way they have you isolated and alone whilst dependant on them. They are clever manipulators who know what they are doing the lack of empathy they feel nothing of the pain and misery they cause others. Thank goodness for people like Melanie who are sharing such meaningful insight, awareness and understanding.

  • Meesh
    January 4, 2013

    This article could not have come at a better time. I am so glad I found this, as it has helped me realize the behavior of my ex as this, a narcissist who used me as his scapegoat. He would never just talk when we would fight, he had to communicate through texts, like a 15 yr old boy. We all know how that always turns out. Btw, he’s 45, and a divorced father of an 8 yr old.
    Thank you so much for writing this. I will no longer take the blame for the sake of avoiding anymore conflict. I really was beginning to think I was all the things he blamed me for, and accused me of. I left just in time, after just 2 months, before I started to lose myself. I printed this out to remind myself, and to watch for this destructive behavior in others.

  • Sue
    March 7, 2013

    Thank you so much for this information I have found most of my answers to my life long confusions sat right here in all your articles. I know I’ve always had the answers but never knew what to look for to structure, to understand and take ownership of my own pattern. I’ve always been a scapegoat until recently having been co-dependant on one N
    narcisstic after another since being abuse as a child. Now I can find the real me. Thank you so much for your posts.

  • Sara
    August 27, 2013

    I broke away from my mildly dysfunctional family on my fathers side 7 years ago. These bottom feeders always need someone to put down to feel better about themselves. My old demented aunt was the leader of my scapegoating. What the lead scapegoater does is use other family members to attack you, so they can appear innocent. It is called triangulation..it is very popular in people who have BPD/NPD.

    They try very hard to keep the rest of the family members against you to damage your psyche. It is nothing you did, but you are threat to them somehow. Either you challenge them, or you intimidate them with your intelligence and in some cases, beauty. The rest of the family, cannot see the manipulation….what this does is cause the rest of the family to expect you to play a certain role, sort of like being predjudice, and the scapegoat will feel isolated and paranoid/distant, which doesn’t help them in the end.

    If you see yourself being a scapegoat, go above and beyond by being overly nice. Walk up and talk to family members at gatherings. Compliment family members, share pics of your vacation, ask them about themselves. Ask to take pictures…..the best thing you can do is to try to build a relationship with family members one on one. Make sure to spend time with them and connect on a deep personal level. These will be your allies to defend you when there is an attack attempt on your psyche by the mastermind scapegoater. Most narcissistic losers go for the vulnerable person who have little to no support. If you are not married, have children, have a bad relationship with one or more of your parents, then you are in danger of being a scapegoat.

    When you come around certain family members, try to have another friend with you. This will slow down or stop other family members from trying to trigger you into misbehaving. Usually, these family members are the ones you were never close with to begin with and have been effectively brainwashed against you.

    If I could offer any type of advice, it would be to control who comes around you. The best way to do this is to stop going to family events that are not created and hosted by you. When you control a family event, you can control who comes to it or not. I control this by asking a few family members if they want to come to my house….if they say yes, I ask them if they are coming alone or bringing a guest, to make sure they are not bringing the scapegoater. Whatever you do, do not talk bad about other family members. Keep it positive. Some scapegoats are coaxed into talking about other family members…do not go for the bait. Smile and change the subject. Or make a comment like, “Everything will work itself out. You will see.” It works for me EVERYTIME! :)

    Make sure you have NO contact with the scapegoater. When you stop talking to the scapegoater, they don’t have anything to take back to other family members….except, “I haven’t spoken to her/him in 20 years”…other family memberse will soon start to get the unspoken message that you want nothing to do with the scapegoater and will make sure not to take back information to the scapegoater. The scapegoater will start to look like the trouble maker…and the family will soon start to distance themselves from the scapegoater or at least see the mastermind scapegoater for what they really are. This is the secret to not being the scapegoat anymore! It will be hard at first, but it will become easier as time goes on.

  • And
    November 4, 2013

    This is my ex , but also my eldest child. What is the advice for dealing with this as a mother. It’s unbearable and I and my other children are not safe.

  • Joyce Miller
    January 4, 2014

    For me, it is my 44 year old daughter, my only child, and it has been going on for years — ever since she was a middle school student. There are times when she is incredibly nice and easy to talk to. But that changes quickly and suddenly I am dealing with nastiness beyond anything I had ever known before. Right now, we are in one of her “I don’t want anything to do with you” times. And she has blocked me from her email and her facebook page and another site she has. Other times, she will call with a need, and be very very sweet.

    I certainly understand how difficult your situation is. Fortunately, since my daughter is middle aged and lives two days travel away from me, I do not have to deal with this face to face anymore.

    Is there anyone in your church or at a counseling center that you could talk to? I have a counselor that has helped me a lot over the past 25 years.

  • manuela
    April 5, 2014

    Hi mel
    how would you react to a person giving you the ‘evil smirk’ in your house? My mother did it to me many times and a ex friend did it!

  • Tais
    October 6, 2014

    Melanie, you have saved me countless times during my separation from N husband. I have been turning to you in the harshest moments and your words always provide clarity and peace. My N and I have a 3 year old son and we live in a rural place by ourselves, after the N abandoned us, took chunks of our limited money and is now demanding daily video call contact. I always facilitate this and try my best, but nothing is good enough. If our son does not pay attention to him, I am preventing contact. If Internet connection drops because of bad weather, he accuses me of hanging up. It never ends. It is relentless. I know I cannot win but I am worried about how he can take these false accusations and use them against me in court. The sad thing is he doesn’t even really want his child, he would not have done all the absurdly vile things he did otherwise. How do I not give in, not defend myself without endangering my chances in court? I can’t stop crying, I’m feeling at the edge of my rope. I don’t know how I will survive this. I’m as no contact as possible, but he still finds ways to get to me. Thank you.

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