We are all drawn to confident people. But how do we know the difference between someone who is truly happy in their own skin, and an individual who is suffering deep insecurities and trying to appear confident?
It’s very important to know – because if you don’t, the individual who is not ‘solid on the inside’ yet pretends to be could actually be a narcissist even if they don’t show the classic narcissistic tendencies initially.
I have been caught out by this in the past, badly. I thought that because the classic NPD signs weren’t obvious that shows of confidence were healthy. That was until I realise how to really look and how to know the difference between healthy and malignant confidence.
When we understand the model of narcissism, we know an individual with unhealthy narcissistic tendencies has to create a version of themselves in order to try to feel okay. This False Self is a superiority, a grandiose version of themselves and how they would like the world to see them.
In fact it is how they want to feel about themselves and desperately don’t.
Within scripted versions of self, the narcissist needs to feel ‘unique’ and ‘separate’ and needs to be ‘a stand out’ in relation to other people.
Apart for the expressions of ‘how good I am’ which is obviously portraying a ‘lack of self’, because people who genuinely believe in themselves don’t need to tell others how fabulous they are… there is a more sinister element that occurs…
This component is entitlement.
Unhealthy Entitlement and Expectations
The narcissistic individual believes they are entitled to receive specialised treatment. They believe they can demand approval, recognition and gratitude, and in fact these commodities are essential to feed his or her ego and fragile sense of self.
Because of the narcissist’s inherent entitlement, there are enormous expectations placed. These expectations are “See me, and constantly grant me the version of me that I want to believe in.”
Therefore the narcissist will demand you see him or her as ‘unique’, ‘your one and only’ and the entire centre of your Universe, and if you don’t the narcissist will punish you for not doing so.
Narcissists are very envious, uncomfortable and insecure if you have anything that they don’t.
It is impossible to grant an empty void the recognition and approval that he or she never had for him or herself in the first place. If you attempt to, it will be a bottomless pit, because the narcissist will believe that it’s never enough, and that it isn’t genuine, you weren’t doing it at the right times, and you are only doing it to fulfil your own agenda. (The narcissist believes everyone operates the way they do – hence the intense paranoia).
What you will find, if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, is that the demands of recognition and attention will escalate (regardless of any gratitude or apologies you do express), and you will be turned off by the way the narcissist makes the relationship all about ‘what he or she is not receiving’ or ‘you did not give me this in the past’, rather than working healthily on the relationship, or recognising how the tirades aren’t helping things.
Don’t be fooled into thinking the narcissist has healthy expectations and you are failing as a partner. A narcissist will always find a way to blame his or her partner as not being good enough to grant the narcissist what he or she wants.
The narcissist is perpetually unhappy in relationships, and will always find a way to scapegoat his or her partner for the inner lack of self-approval and self-recognition that the narcissist is failing to take responsibility for.
Absolutely relationships have healthy needs. Gratitude, love, respect and appreciating your partner are vital to nurture and maintain loving relationships. When you love someone, and are connected with an individual who is healthy in their own skin, and who is not needy for narcissistic supply, it is much easier to grant these commodities, as a flow and as a natural expression of being love.
This is incredibly different to suffering episodes of the narcissist’s wrath and punishment, and then constantly walking on broken glass trying to please him or her, rather than being allowed to be love naturally.
How to Recognise Malignant Confidence
Regardless of how kind, considerate and ‘together’ a person may seem, it is very important to look out for how he or she expresses their confidence to you and around other people.
Please understand there are individuals who do not display classic NPD signs who may slip under your radar, if you are not aware.
These are the tell-tale signs of malignant confidence (unhealthy ego).
- “I have a high opinion of myself”
- “You will never meet anyone like me”
- “No-one does these things as well as I do”
- “I can do anything better than anyone else”
- “There is nothing I can’t do”
- “I am not treated as an equal”
- “You have no idea of how much I am capable of”
- Running co-workers and other people’s capabilities down
- Pointing out other people’s faults when someone else compliments another person
- Failing to recognise the gifts, achievements and talents of others
- Never discussing how good or capable other people are
- Incapable of listening to other people’s conversations without butting in with own experiences and examples (Story topping)
- Expressing anger when you acknowledge other people’s capabilities rather than his or hers.
- Not asking other people questions and having an interest in their life, making conversations about self
- Making ‘I am unique and special’ statements
- Requires constant approval and recognition
- Feeling angered and unsupported when not receiving constant approval and recognition
- Displaying a loud, defensive or uncomfortable demeanour when meeting new people, whilst interacting with these people (not comfortable as ‘self’)
All of these actions are energetic statements of not feeling whole and at peace. They are ‘me versus you’ characteristics. These actions come from fear, they are not statements of healthy emotional intelligence.
By being alert to signs of malignant self-confidence you will notice in social settings that certain individuals will not seem relaxed, cannot tolerate discussions that don’t involve him or her without being the centre of attention, and will always bring the conversations back to their achievements, qualifications or knowledge. You will notice that this person does not acknowledge other people’s accomplishments, and is very uncomfortable with another person being in the spotlight of a conversation.
You will notice that after these social scenes the individual with malignant self-confidence will find fault (usually expressed as their own ‘superior’ observations) and what is defective about the person who was earning acclaim.
What Does Authentic Confidence Look Like?
In stark contrast people who have authentic confidence have no need to prove anything. They are happy and solid within. There is no need to do anything other than operate as they are in the world.
Recognition is simply a wonderful confirmation of how you feel about yourself, but you don’t need it in order to feel good, and at peace with yourself.
Individuals with authentic confidence simply go about being themself, blending with others without thinking constantly ‘What do they think of me?’, and are more than happy for others to receive the limelight. People who are truly believe in themself are thrilled to be able to recognise others, enjoy their achievements and bask in their glory.
In contrast to the above social scene where a person with malignant self-confidence was operating, a person with authentic confidence will be relaxed and at ease in a social setting. This person will be content with taking a step back and will seek to understand and learn about others rather than needing to earn approval. Such an individual will be very happy to allow others to be themselves, and simply answer questions about their life and achievements when asked. Such a person inspires connection, intrigue and respect – he or she will radiate warmth, integrity and goodwill.
You will notice that after these social scenes the individual with authentic self-confidence discusses the good that they see in other people, and how that inspires them and adds to his or her experience.
Inner wholeness means connection not separation and it means that when others receive recognition, no-one misses out – it is a shared wholeness. And it brings a beautiful warmth and joy to be able to stand back, allow others to take the lead by promoting them and believing in them, and feel intense joy for them, because that is what love, support, connection and oneness does.
It allows one to step back, step forward and stand beside others.
Individuals who are whole and full with self-love and self-approval don’t need constant attention, recognition and validation from the outside. They already have that for themselves, and therefore the neediness level is not chronic, demanding and entitled as it is with the narcissist.
It’s very important to be aware of authentic and malignant confidence, so that you can procure relationships and connections with people who have a healthy and whole sense of self.
I promise you the difference is astounding. When we share love, joy and energy with whole and happy people, individuals who also love sharing recognition, praise and joy and don’t want it all for themselves, it is so easy to love, appreciate, compliment and recognise them.
They shine out, share and attract back who they are in the world just by being themself.
That is true confidence, and it is incredibly attractive and lovable, and it inspires the best of ourself to connect to these people lovingly.
Please take the time to get clear on what is authentic and malignant confidence so that you don’t get hooked by a narcissist pretending to be whole and ‘full’…..only to pay the price later…
Did you find this article helpful? Please Let me know in the comments below.
There are narcissists who can exactly duplicate the behaviour of a loving individual so seamlessly that they can not be detected for an extended period of time.
I was married for 42 yrs to this kind of narcissist. He was SO GOOD at asking about the other person but I finally realized his FEELINGS were false. He acted interested because he knew he’d reap benefits for himself and that was the key factor for ” proper” behavior.
Courtship needs to be a long, slow process to trully discern who this person is.
I was married to a narcissist and it almost destroyed me. Finding Melanie’s blog and reading her online books helped me enormously.
I am on the road to recovery. Thanks so much. Victoria
Hi Victoria,
I agree with you 100%. Reading Melanie’s articles has helped me a great deal. I too am on the road to recovery. Life is soooo less stressful these days. Thank you Melanie x
Hi Victoria,
I am so glad my information is helping. Keep up the great self-work!
Mel xo
I agree with terence – narcissists are very good actors and can impersonate genuinely good & loving people – they are plagarists, observing those sound them & copying others behaviors as it suits them, I have observed it first hand. This was someone who purported to be my best friend! Took me a few years to figure it out – hopefully next time, it won’t take so long!
knowledge is power. I am so thankful for melanie. She hasopened my eyes and validated what i could not understand or see even though the signs of narcisistic abuse was happening to me for 26 years. I could not see the signs and 26 years later after almost dying l now can see and validate the unbelievable abuse. I am working a plan to get out.
Hi Teri,
that is great that you are getting clear and starting to honour yourself. It is important to plan wisely so that your exit can be as painless as possible.
All the best of luck
Mel xo
I dated someone for over a year who I now realize has narcissistic tendencies. We were planning on getting married and I thought I found my soul mate. But there were red flags all along that I choe to ignore. He would back up the relationship if I challenged him or disagreed with his views so it was like emotional blackmail because I didn’t want to lose him.I dropped to 102 pounds in 15 months, my hair was limp and my face in photos now seemed so stressed and sad.But I thought I was happy.I believed the best about him right until the very end when he broke it off with me out of the blue.I was naive and in denial about his controlling personality and to make it worse, he was a doctor so his God complex was so strong. To make that even worse, as a Catholic, he used his faith as another means of control because he could rarely showed gentleness and mercy as Jesus calls us to do with each other.It is hard for me, even to this day, now ten months later, to think the worst of him. I know I loved him and his children deeply but now I have accepted that he never loved me or my kids. We are lucky to be out of his life now because I may have gone crazy but I still miss him and his kids every day. Part of me was completely destroyed because of this relationship. Now I have to work on my life so hard every day to build up my self esteem and the part of me that was shattered when he coldly turned away from me. I know this man walks side by side with strife. The hurt I feel pales to the pain in his own empty heart. I still wonder why the attraction was so strong between us and why all of this had to happen.
Sarah,
I can so relate to your story, lucky you didnt marry him, I married my Narcissist. Now we are getting divorced after 2 years, he lied constantly, he stood stong on his faith, even prayed & read a devotional every night with me! I look back and think he never loved me or my kids as much as he claim to and how he would boast to everyone about how I was the woman he prayed for since he was a young child! Now I am trying to heal from this 3 years of lies, deceit & betrayal! I thank god for removing him from our lives & for this website! Thanks for sharing your story!
Sarah,
You ask why you had to experience the agony of a relationship with a narcissist. The answer is that your soul led you to this in order to wake you up. The attraction was strong so you would feel enough pain to jar you into looking at yourself. Never forget that the focus of your healing is on YOU, not on him and “what he did.”
Say healing prayers of thanks that your wonderful narcissist teacher came into your life. Now, you will never again have weak boundaries. You will never again be co-dependent. You will never again think so little of yourself that you ignore the red flags and bad feelings. And, your children will learn, too. This is the work of your soul at its best!
You will stop missing the illusion of having a soul mate as soon as you can keep the focus on you! If you miss him and the relationship, ask yourself what you aren’t providing to yourself. What are you doing/believing about yourself that would leave you feeling so empty? Having a man isn’t the way to feel at peace and fulfilled! That comes from taking a hard look at how you are treating yourself with beliefs that no longer serve you. God’s plan for you isn’t to have you suffer endlessly! Your soul wants you to love you and treat yourself in loving ways.
Stop wondering and speculating about your narcissist’s empty life. Let him go. Who cares how he feels and what he is experiencing! Keep the focus on YOU! He was an excellent teacher. Don’t waste the lesson. You had a lucky escape! You might have ended up married to him, subjecting you and the kids to years of control and abuse. Celebrate the way things turned out. Your guardian angels are on the job!
Outstanding and something I re-learn every day. I have boundaries now, I take care of and am responsible for my happiness now.
I still, after three years, am not interested in another man in my life however. My Ex was also a sex addict so possibly that is why I don’t want anyone in my life. I also am enjoying the uncomplicated PEACE of my lifestyle now.
My father is a narcisist also so I think I found the rollarcoaster energy level , as ‘norma’. Now I know it is not. I sleep w/out meds now which to me is most telling.
I think , after so many years with a Narc, changing, and being your own advocate forever, will be an ongoing process.
Hi Sarah,
it is so normal after a narcissistic and destructive relationship, and the discard that comes with it to feel the way you do.
Truly the only solution is to get to working on yourself in order to heal. When we do this we find the ‘gifts’ in our own necessary evolution and we start creating ourselves as whole from the inside out.
When this occurs our focus comes off the pain of the narcissist and into loving and healing ourselves.
Have you looked at the resources on my website so that you can start healing and working on yourself?
This is my highest suggestion to find your way ‘home’ back to yourself.
Mel xo
Wow, Sarah, everything you said could be my own words about my own experience. Anyone and everyone not in a relationship with him would say he is a gentle sweet person who is a great dad to his kids. I have never felt such a strong soulmate attraction and a year after the breakup I am still finding it hard to think or say anything that calls him out on his manipulative narcissistic behavior with me, even though, as you so aptly say, he never actually loved me. Everything was about using me to feed his damaged self. So helpful to not feel alone. Thank you!
Interesting article; I can relate to some of those tell-tale signs you mention, although usually I keep them to myself to avoid detection! So the question that went through my head while reading was: How do you transition from Malignant to Authentic Confidence?
Cheers, Graham
Hi Graham,
thank you for the post.
In answer to your question, the solution is to work on healing the parts of you that feel ‘not good enough’ and have been seeking outside approval.
Then you will be able to be authentically ‘you’ in the world.
This can be done in a variety of ways, but the fastest and most powerful is seeking energetic healing.
Quanta Freedom healing is a powerful solution.
Mel xo
I have had to deal with narcissists my entire life. My mother, my ex husband of 20 years and more recently two failed relationships, both narcissists. I attract narcissists like flies on paper! I am a classic co-narcissist. I feel that it would be just as difficult to “cure” me as it is the narcissist. The last guy i was dating just dumped me for no “real” reason and I am heartbroken. I too have lost a lot of weight and I still love him so much even though I know he’s no good for me. I really don”t know which is worse, the narcissist or the co-narcissist, we are both miserable inside……
Hi Melanie,
I too am the daughter of a narcissistic father. I have sought out narcissistic relationships to one degree or another my entire life. My last relationship almost destroyed me. I had no other choice but to start rebuilding myself and my life almost from scratch. Mel’s Narcissistic Recovery Program is helping helped me tremendously. I highly recommend it to you.
Hi Melanie,
it is usual for many co-dependent, co-narcissists to feel empty, dependent and powerless.
Truly the healing takes place when you can clean up the past wounds, the past incidents of handing your power over, and not knowing how to be true to self.
Many people have healed from your position – as I have also done – but it takes diligence, it takes effort, and we have to be at a point in our life where we have had enough of the painful patterns and we will do everything in our power to make healing and working on ourself our highest mission.
My question is: Are you ready to do this?
Because if you are you will achieve your goal.
If you are ready start making decisions to commit to what will help you…
Good luck and hugs!
Mel xo
Another insightful and thought provoking article. Thank you 🙂
Hi Bee,
you are more than welcome!
Mel xo
Thank you for your letters, they have been helpful. This last letter helps me understand the relationship that I left a year ago. I was married to a narcissist for 25 years, and can still not fully understand how I could bear it for so long. Through these years did I more and more turn into the “unseen silent Echo”. Felt as if I had lost myself completely. Now that I am out of it I find myself hungering to be seen and reflected myself. I worry sometimes. Have I become so insecure, that I have developed narcissistic traits myself? Anyway, thank you for a very good article. It helped me reflect over who I am.
Oddrun, bless you. I had the same reaction. Am I trying to compensate TOO MUCH for my lack of confidence, ego, and power and displaying narcissistic traits? I lost myself for over 40 years, and can’t believe I did not see the truth. Melanie’s “No Contact” ebook has turned my ineffectual life upside down and I’m determined to pick up the pieces and build a beautiful life (with God’s help). I’m cheering you and everyone who has received their wake-up call!
Hi Oddrun,
you are very welcome!
After narc abuse we can feel so twisted and turned, and often do absorb some of the narcissistic projections until we heal.
It is great that you realise you are hungry for outside validation, because this is letting you realise you need to create authentic validation and self-approval from within.
Working on yourself to heal will achieve that.
Good luck
Mel xo
i’m living with my husband for 20 years .it is only the last 5 years that by chance i started reading about narcissism .before that i didn’t know anything and i used to blame myself for everything .and i finally understood that both my mother and husband are narcissists.i suffered alot in my life because of those two.i have 2 teenage children and i myself being a product of devorced parents did not want the same for my children.i don’t know how to free myself ,i feel completly trapped and no support system,and no hope that he will ever change.i have lost joi de vivre
Don’t stay with him. It will make you ill and he won’t look after you. You think he will but he won’t. They get worse as they age – we are both 55 and the past year has been hell so I am divorcing him – thought about it in the past but I agree, with children it is so much harder. You could plan to go when your children reach a certain age, if you haven’t got a job try to get one, confide in one good friend and when its right finish with him
Hi Anne,
thank you for your wonderful encouragement to Mira, and it is fantastic that you are making the moves to honour yourself.
You are so right – generally the older narcs get the nastier they get!
Keep up the great work of walking forward.
Mel xo
Mira, I feel for you. I’m fighting my way out of the trap after over 40 years. It does just get worse. I found the first step is to get a good job…and to be so nice to yourself. You can’t care what anyone thinks, because the narcissist is so convincing. I try to only care what God thinks, and things are working out through little miracle after little miracle. I’m cheering for you!
Hi Mira,
many people have felt like you do now – powerless.
However please know we always have choice, and you can make the choice now to start doing the things that will help empower you.
Seek out services where you can get help and know that you do deserve to break free from this cycle. Many before you have…and you are right he isn’t going to get better – which means that you need to be responsible for making the changes to your life.
You can do it!
Mel xo
This is truely a very powerful article. I lived with a narcissist for the past 14 years and is still in the same house with him due to financial reasons. Must say that I started working on myself on various levels with the help of energy healers etc. Melanie, your site help temendously and I’m still learning and working on myself everyday and have gratitude of what I still have. Thank you.
Hi Theresa,
you are more than welcome, and I am so glad that my information is helping.
Wonderful that you are working on you – and hopefully soon you will be able to break away.
Remember your state of being is more important than anything material or practical in your life…
Mel xo
I would like to share my own story, even if it is not directly related to malignant confidence. My 3.5 year on and off relationship with a narcissist ended 2 weeks ago. The fight we had and which triggered the split started with me refusing to give the narcissist (I will call him Marc) recognition and praise. I am currently in Europe for 6 months on a self-development trip. Marc had massive problems with a long distance relationship. He only contacted me once since I left because he needed information of me and another time because he was feeling depressed. He didn´t initiate contact when he was feeling happy or simply to ask how I feel and what I am doing. When I called him he never showed any real interest in what I was doing or how I was feeling. He never asked questions or told me that it is great what I am doing. Instead one month into my trip he then told me that he was planning his own big trip away while I am gone. The last time I spoke to him he started telling all about his trip, ´of course´ a massive trip that topped my own experience in challenge and difficulty. As he hadn´t shown any interest in my experience abroad I was reluctant to show interest in his travel adeventures and I did not ask him questions about his trip, I did not make any positive comments or told him how wonderful I think it is what he is planning to do. These are all things that he was used from me. I knew he was waiting for my admiration and ´awe´. As he noticed my desinterest his mood swung noticeably within seconds. He then went on by telling me that he wouldn´t contact me for 3 months, and by throwing relationship problems at me that I couldn´t solve and that weren´t my responsability to deal with in the first place. I reacted upset as I didn´t think 3 months without contact was a fair request and that the problems he brought up were inappropriate in that situation. I got upset and voiced my upset and became emotional.And that´s when the true button was pressed. After I showed emotional upset he started a massive counter attack, attacking my person and my ability to meet his needs, that he´s tired of me not allowing to express emotions, etc. The projection was so obvious it was borderline ridiculous. The fight escalated and I ended up breaking up as his behaviour was unreasonable and hurtful. Before I had left Australia he had actually agreed to do a couple therapy. In hindsight I realise that he was hoping I would be the one who changes through therapy. He didn´t really consider that it was him who had a problem and needed to change. The main problem in our relationship I came to realise through this experience is his lack of empathy. Not only does he lack empathy, it is even worst in the sense that he interprets my outburst of emotion like fear, anger, or jealousie as a direct attack to his person. And his way of reacting to my emotions has always been extreme counter attack and escalating the fight to a level that the initial reasons for my upset became irrelevant next to his complaints, demands and accusations. Only because I had healed in the past was I able to clearly see the game he was playing and to not give in or be desperate and emotionally destroyed. The good news is that I finally reached the point where I can say ´I love him, but I cannot accept his behaviour and therefore I chose not to be with him.´ The only dissatisfaction I still have (and that seems to be typical for a narcissist) is that although I tried really hard to explain to him the meaning of empathy and that it is okay for me to express negative emotions as a reaction to hurt, he not once acknowledged what I said, how I felt and how his actions contributed to my feelings. And of course he didn´t apologise or take any part of responsability for the fight that occurred. In his eyes we broke up because I am not considered of his feelings and I don´t give him the support he needs. Witnissing the person I love to be so wrong in his perception of life and love is hurtful. But I found a powerful affirmation that helps me move on: ¨I acknowledge and accept the failure of this relationship and move on with an open and loving heart.” Wish me good luck that I will soon have a loving and understanding partner who makes me stronger!
Maria, thank you for your post. It’s such a relief to hear that others have experienced the same things, and that we really aren’t crazy. Your descipton of your arguments, and his reactions to you are spot on and exactly what happened with my ex. Im now to the point that if you find yourself having to explain the most basic concept of compassion and respect to someone, chances are you better just be running in the other direction!
Thank you Kim. Your response made it worth to share my experience. And you are right… if you have to explain compassion to someone it´s not worth sticking around to see if they eventually get it. You could be waiting a lifetime. Hurray to us for having recognised that! 🙂
Thank you Maria for your story, I as well can relate to your story. I actually met someone while traveling abroad and even though things heated up quickly I soon found myself having many of the situations that you were explaining (in my second language nonetheless!) It only got worse when I had to return home for a while to finish some schooling, promising that I would return and spend as much time as I could chatting and communicating with her. The fights and tantrums only escalated when I returned home, to the point that it was affecting me so much I couldn’t get my school work done or go to work and be completely functional. I woke up one day and found Melanies writings and since I have removed her from my life, but more importantly have taken responsibility for my own narcassicistic traits and co dependency and have begun to learn to have authentic self confidence so I can begin to meet people that share these true self confidence and love as well.
Hi Patricia,
I’m not surprised you can relate to Maria’s post which I’m sure all of us can!
It’s great that you are working your way through your healing and ‘coming home to self’ because that is what this journey is all about!
Hooray!
Mel xo
Maria,
I would change only one word:
I acknowledge and accept the ending of this relationship and move on with an open and loving heart.”
There is no failure; only lessons learned.
All the best!
Hi Felicia,
lovely amendment!
Beautiful
Mel xo
Hi Maria,
a very powerful post which outlines so many of the dynamics of narcissistic abuse with pinpoint accuracy.
Yours has been a wonderful share which will assist many people.
Fabulous that you are not getting sucked into the drama anymore, and can see it for what it is.
Brilliant that you are working on moving forward!
Great job!
Mel xo
Great article..Thank you,,reading this helps me heal as ive been suffering abuse from my sister for years..im learning to protect myself.
Hi Gaynor,
you are more than welcome and I am so glad the information is helping!
Yes, even if the narc is family it is so important to honour self and have effective boundaries and even proceed to no contact if necessary.
Mel xo
I wanted to agree with Nancy and terence. I was married to a narcissist for 19 years. He appeared to be the move loving, genuine, caring, fun, and smart person. One thing that I did learn, is that if everything is going well in the narcissists life, then they’ll be the most happy, helpful, kind person you’d ever want to meet. Once the attention gets shifted and attention is no longer on them, look out! After 1 year of separation and a divorce I now look back at my marriage quite differently. You don’t see this coming, yet constantly live in a state of insecurity, depression, and frustration.
Hi Kim,
it’s so true that when the narc is full of supply that you could not have a more delightful person! This unfortunately is the ‘default’ we can keep remembering until we do get clear that the baseline of any relationship is ‘what is this person capable of doing’….
Keep up the great realisations!
Mel xo
These comments hit my nails on the head. My latest, and I’m determined, my last narcissist relationship, has been the cruelest. I found myself being drawn into her behavioral style, by it’s subtle and brutal mechanisms. I was drawn to an energy vampire. Although not long out of the relationship, my energy is for me to apply to myself or others in healthy ways, and it has soared. The only insight that you need to leave is that this is your life. Melanie’s guidance is good. I can feel her righteous anger. I can feel my own, now. Get out – any way you can. There is a better way to go through life than as a personal energy source for these vampires. I think, but what about my vampire, how will she ever be repaired? But that’s just a thought. My unappreciated efforts were in vain. She has her life to sort out, and now, I have mine.
Funny you called your NARC an energy vampire. I, being a Harry Potter fan called my a Dementor–sucking the energy and joy out of me–very funny.
Hi Ark,
it is so great that you have recognised the dynamic and got out…
Very true, that she is not your responsibility and the true solution for you is to focus your energy on you and your life.
Great job!
Mel xo
Thankyou so much , this is really helpful and clarifies a lot of things I’ve been confused about ,and as always really well written …. love and gratitude to you xox
Thank you for this very helpful writing. It goes both ways, for me. I was raised by a flaming narcissistic mother, and my fears are that I have those traits also. I am whole-heartedly committed to being genuine, authentic and truly real, but I know that under the wrong/right circumstances, I fall into behaviors I don’t respect. When people verbally attack, label, or disrespect me, I realize I RE-act with a false self that I’m battling to overcome. I strive to stay in harmony with my Divine Energy, but it’s still new to me, and I’m continually learning.
Thank you,Melanie, for giving such loving guidelines to those of us who are growing towards authenticity. I always learn something very useful for my spiritual/emotional growth from your wisdom and kindness. With appreciation I thank you.
After 30 years of marriage I have seen him for what he is. I am constsntly shocked how in my mind I return to the notation that I can fix things/fix him. But finally I am divorcing him. I though he was odd and getting odder, it would seem he was very good at covering up and with age he now feels no desire to do this.”Entitlement” is the key for me to finally recognising him for what he is – being entitled to have a third party in the marriage and spend money on her/with her was the wake up call.
Our daughter worked him out a number of years ago and it is impossible to have a normal relationship with him and be a mother.
Yes Ann my N too felt he was entitled to have a third party in our marriage . He got angry with me for upsetting her when I sent her some information about him !!! He said he loved two women equally and could not choose . He had been carrying in with her before he even met or married me . She has been his friend for ten years and still cannot see his narcissistic traits . I have left them to themselves , he still tried to contact me but I can now ignore him and it feels good .
I have a lunch date today , I feel fabulous and free!
This article was most helpful- I am in the after phase of breaking out from such relation patterns, and I regularly find myself forget the reality of the past, so that I get depressed longing back into those spesific destructive relations that I lived inside. And subscribing to Melanies blog posts, are elements popping up through my everydays, that keep reminding me of the truth- MY truth. That I need to keep up, remember who I am and where I came from; but mot of all keep focus on where I am going now, and keep working on myself. Thank you so much, Melanie!
You really need to appear on the today show
Still am feeling overwhealmed at this discovery about N disorder…
Am visiting with my ex that I ran away from 4 years ago cos I couldn’t handle anymore stress from him and his grown daughters ill behaviour towards myself, my kids to previous marriage and my pets…
I have arrived back because my life emptied very quickly and I have no where to live and no finances to help…
My ex came to my rescue wanting to help me get on my feet but he doesnt want a relationship, he says he wants to be free…. I have been visiting over a couple of months now and its been a rollar coaster ride, I keep thinking there is something terribly wrong with me and I have been getting things all wrong and if I have got things wrong, I want help to fix myself…
Starting a mental health plan with a psychologist this week…
I heard about this disorder from Melanie a few weeks ago and have read alot and ticked alot I can relate to my ex having this disorder…
I addressed something yesterday morning that had been hurting me since my stay here, he had a photo of his 12 month old granddaughter on his fridge with her face in pain and looking so sad and miserable. The past couple of weeks I had turned it over so I couldn’t look at it as it made me so sad. My ex kept turning it back over being annoyed that I would do such a thing to his granddaughter. I asked my ex why would he want a photo of his granddaughter on his fridge in pain, doesn’t it hurt him to see her in pain? Why does he not enjoy a happy photo of her? He replied that its like she is calling out to him “Grandad help me, make me feel better” and he started kissing in the air and smooching…
I went Yuk! thats awful and I am sure I am not the only one that would think so and so he got really moody and took the photo down and put it in his display cabinet and sat with his arms folded, with a cold hard look, pouting and showing a mood… I was firm and told him to get over himself and told him what he was doing and looking like (and then realised I could be in trouble here and shut up and ignored his behaviour)I am not sure if I am in trouble, I havnt been scared before but could start to be now that I am discovering more…
A week before I ran away from this man 4 years ago, the final warning call was he put his hands around my throat twice, there was no pressure but a blank cold look stare and a sense he enjoyed it and so did it again… I wasn’t scared at the time but are now wondering why I am back here, cos I thought I got it all wrong and wanted to fix things… Yikes, this seems to be outa his control. Its like a demon in him. I have asked for the one I thought i knew to come back and he has said that its not going to happen. Do you believe in demonic holds over and in humans?
I am still feeling torn between telling myself I am ok and there is nothing wrong with me….
Its Real and Ugly and I am looking forward to getting help out of this and into a happy future…
Thank you Melanie.
“There are narcissists who can exactly duplicate the behaviour of a loving individual so seamlessly that they can not be detected for an extended period of time.” ~Terence D
Yes, that’s for sure, I agree. It is how they survive; they know how to mimic, but they really don’t know what’s behind the actions. They just know that’s what you act like in order to be seen as a “good person”, just like children do. They absolutely must fit in, especially with the “elite crowd” of their choosing. When they don’t fit in with a certain crowd, they chalk it up to the crowd being losers, not to anything else, not even to the crowd being elitists themselves, because that would mean the elitists rejected the Great Supreme One. This “US vs. THEM” culture, the “Haves vs. HaveNots”, “Red vs. Blue”, is right up their alley. They need to have a “posse” to fill the bottomless pit, and to have a crowd to identify WITH, or AGAINST.
I got a red flag in my face once that I completely missed, I thought it was funny; after completing a certificate class and starting employment, my classmate/coworker/friend and I were walking through the halls of our new place of work. He says, “you know, we are the upper echelon of the employees here.” I shrugged it off as his giddy exuberance in finally getting the job. I remember it now with goosebumps, although that was 11 years ago. Boy did I pay dearly for missing that flag.
Most of the narcissists I have known are not anxious at all about whether other people like them or not, or what others think of them. (Except if it’s about an entire group that they want to be a part of. I think it’s about taking on the identity of said group, like it’s an accomplishment, a notch on the belt.) Only those who feed their supply are considered worthy of anything at all, they don’t try to analyze or make observations about what happened in a socially uncomfortable situation. They also don’t care if someone treated someone else with disrespect or disdain, they usually blame the person who was treated badly.
That same one on another occasion made a nasty comment about a young girl who checked us out at a fast food stand, she was nervous and making sure she was doing it right, it was obvious. She didn’t look up much, she was very pleasant and courteous, and she was about 16. When we got to the parking lot I got an earful about what a snotty b~ she was to him. I realized later that what she failed to do was FLIRT with him. She was very respectful in a normal way, to BOTH of us, she failed to SINGLE HIM OUT ABOVE ME, and she didn’t double-take at his beautiful eyes. There is of course a lot more to that story but it’s over now.
What I have found consistently is that when you make an observation to a narcissist that someone was disrespectful to YOU, they blame YOU, and they tell you that you are being petty, and narcissistic. Even if it was glaringly obvious, like when someone greets him/her and shakes his/her hand but acts like you’re not even there (and of course your narc does nothing to correct the discourtesy, like introduce you); when someone talks through YOUR car window to HIM or HER, through your head, as if you’re invisible; when someone compliments him or her at length about the project that you are equal partners in, or even when you are the main contributor, and he/she accepts with a grin and a “pshaw”,but never mentions you, as if it’s entirely his or hers. (even if you’re standing right there). .. If the person treated the NARCISSIST well, that’s all they care about; if the person spit in your face, you must have deserved it, and if you complain about it, you are being a silly, stupid twit.
I have recently also come to the realization that I am a narc magnet, and I am really scared, since I have done quite a lot of work on this issue. Quite a lot. This blogpost in particular caught my eye, because I didn’t see the signs with the last one either, they weren’t classical. Those came to the surface afterwards. So that focus has been amplified even more in my recovery; I actually thought I was focusing too much on it. I was apparently wrong. Ironically, one of the reasons I thought I was focusing too much on it was because of the criticism I have gotten about my focus; I’m a part time writer, and I use my writing to help my own understanding, so people see what I’m focused on. It didn’t occur to me that only a Narcissist would criticize me for that! Thanks for your website Melanie!
Hi Marianne,
yours is a wonderful, knowledge, insightful and ‘oh so true’ post….
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and powerful observations.
Marianne, truly I beleive the solution to not being a ‘narc magnet’ is Energetic, and sourcing healing on that level…Have you tried deeper solutions that can work directly on your DNA patterns?
If not, I suggest you give that a go – because it does have the potential to liberate your patterns once and for all…
Mel xo
Your a fabulous help Melanie, Do these people realise they have these traits and think and act differently to the norm. my relationship is so L dont feel the connection and when I mention they have these traits of course its denied, but do they know they have different behaviors
Jan. x
Hi Jan,
thank you very much – I try my best 🙂
Yes narcs do know they are ‘different’ – but please remember breaking free from co-dependency menas that we take our focus of trying to get other people to ‘get it’, and stop worrying about what they think, and what they do and why they do it, and we focus solidly on our truth and what we need to choose and do for ourself…
Mel xo
Wow to everyone who has posted! Keep up the good work! Reading all of these stories will have so many people nodding in agreement. It’s as if there is some NPD playbook; it’s a club and all the members are known by their deeds…
In my experience they use the concept of emapthy as a tool, they can act it out when it suits their purposes but it’s not something they can actually FEEL. If you ever find yourself explaining empathy or the importance of trust, to an ADULT, back away slowly! Because you’re not dealing with someone who is emotionally equipped to be an adult.
Once again Melanie’s information is timely; I was re-contacted by my N last Friday offering ‘gifts’ (but they always come at a huge cost, don’t they?), but Mel’s posts always come at the right time, to remind me of what is best for me. My life is no longer entirely about someone else. Thank you for helping me get MY life back Melanie.
Hi Amy,
yes I agree! Brilliant posts!
I am so glad that the blogs have been helping so much – and they are helping you to stay on track!
Big yay!And Amy it is my absolute pleasure, you are more than welcome!
Mel xo
I’m so happy that I found this web site. I was surround by this personality all my life until I decided to work on myself. I being working on myself for eight years. I at a point where I let family drama go. They try to draw me into their web with smiles or pretend that they are like me. They will call every three months with a new games. People in my life are totally different from Narcissistic ways.
You’re expertise on this subject is astounding! I only wish I would have found you Melanie before I married a narcisist. It truly has been the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. And, I wasn’t even looking for a husband. Just someone to spend time and have fun with. But, he had to take it further. He was professing his love for me within one week, and had an engagement ring on my finger withing 2 months. Your message needs to be taken further, to as many people as possible because I know there are many sufferers out there who have no idea what has happened to them. I took all the blame for this marriage failing and was in a deep dark hole. You are one of the first websites I found that helped me to climb out of that hole, reclaim my life and who I am, and end the relationship. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Yes it is very helpful and extremely important to know the difference. Thank you for another wonderful article.
Hi H,
thank you, and you are very, very welcome 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie. This is so helpful. I love the way you write and your content also. Thank you for your time and effort.
I have a lots of choices to make at the moment. Your gentleness that pervades your writing and its warmth is a real comfort but also a real eye opener.
thank you and keep up the good work!
Chloe
Thank you for this article. I walked out on a narcissist several years ago before I even knew what a narcissistic abuse was. When I left, I was bound and determined never to be treated that way again. I closed a part of myself off, and wouldn’t interact with people any time my alarm bells went off. I mentioned on a FB article before how I almost lost my husband because I was so suspicious of his confidence. I thought his romantic acts were faked, I thought “He really doesn’t mean that” everytime he praised me. Even after 5 years of marriage there are still times that made me wonder, but seeing how you outlined the difference between the way a narcissist behaves in a crowd and a person with healthy confidence behaves really brought home to me that my husband REALLY is just happy with himself. Sometimes I think I LOOK for things to be wrong because I am so afraid of being fooled again. It’s funny how when you genuinely ask for help that help comes. I’m glad I found you Melanie!
I listen to you all of the time here in Seattle and the more I read and listen the more you make sense. Learning to appreciate myself first has been the biggest challenge of all after living with an N. Malignancy versus Authenticity in any realm seems to help determine my path. Still struggling but getting better. Thank you!! Thank you!!
I love Melanie and the information she has available. Her advice has been so therapeutic in my healing. It is so good to read here I’m not alone. 7 years and I’m still working on my own recovery. After going through what I have, I have my eyes open very wide. From being abused, criticized and judged, picked at for the smallest of things constantly, putting up with his sulking and ignoring me for days on end when he didn’t get what he wanted and asking me what had I done wrong and when I wasn’t bending to his every whim, taking custody of my children because he wouldn’t let me have custody of them. Making me look like the bad one to everyone for leaving. This has left me realizing I am the only one that can help myself and make the efforts to seeking the help from the right sources and being positive in knowing there is a life after abuse. I see life differently and in such a different way and more positively. I appreciate the simple things in life – finding happiness, being in control of my own life, not ever listening to what other people think, loving what’s most important in the world – my children.
I have two children from a previous marriage. They are grown and have children of their own. I have been remarried to a narcissistic man for 30 years now, and did not even realize NPD was the reason for my depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and sadness. Now that I realize what it is, and that it can only get worse as he gets older (he is now 77; I am 63), I need to save myself. My biggest concern right now is my husband has convinced my daughters, their husbands and many other people that I am the crazy one and he is being abused. They tend to believe him. He is very convincing. He also owns lots of toys–boat, motorcycles, ATVs, etc. in which to entice them. How can I get my own daughters to understand what really is happening here. I am riding the fence on whether to stay and work on this relationship, or get out as best I can. I really appreciate all the information from your posts. Thank you.
Jane, start by showing your daughters this web site. Also, keep a journal of your days with this Narc.
No one can work out a relationship with a Narc. Even if your daughters side with him, leave. Eventually your family will see you thriving and happier. if the Ex doesn’t get enough suppy from family, he will turn on them also.
Loved this Mel..I used to say to my girlfriend that nothing in my life made sence and no matter how hard I tried to please my narc (now X)I just couldnt do things right..It has taken 20yrs to hit rock bottom but now im on the way up. Things make sence again and im slowly moving forward..
Hi to Karen above; There is something about what you wrote about the photo his/your darling grandaughter’s picture on the fridge of her in pain. The same thing happened to me where my ex N put photos of meon his phone that were of me just after surgery, looking vunerable, thin, sick with no control over myself at that stage as I had just had a hysterectomy. It was awful and he only had the sick photos of me on his phone not the nice ones he had in the early days if healthy vibrant happy me. I understand why now, because they want to feel like they have power and control over people. Your grandaughter in the photo was giving him an illusion that ‘he was powerful and important’. It is really bad when they get to this stage and I was quite fearful of him, feeling really uncomfortable with what he was doing. He loved it when I came out of hospital as he knew I needed help, giving him tons of supply. After two weeks when I was able to do a few things, he started abusing me again and it was horrific. I caught him looking at the photos a lot and he always had a sick smile on his face like he was enjoying looking at them. Be aware everyone of the Malignant Personality Disorder than is associated with NPD as it can be very dangerous. X
That was for Karen’s post on June 12. 🙂
Something more about the topic is; my ex used to be very over confident in a group of people, always taking centre stage, making people laugh, talking about himself appearing to have a great time, and when we got home, I got hours of bad talk, putting people down, criticising, just awful talk about the people who were pretty much ‘forced’ to listen to him as he was impossible to get away from once he ‘trapped’ you into a conversation. It was all about him and if anyone got a word in, later he would put them down and say some horrrible things about them. He always had anxiety when in groups, as he would sweat. Showed how damaged he was. It was always my fault too for ‘making’ him go to a family function or whatever and I would get abused if I didn’t go to his family functions, even after I had be torn to shreds by them (they all had NPD). He even admitted his father had it, but denied being anything like his dad. No one needs these ‘malignant’ disordered people in their life.
I also witnessed this kind of behavior. At a party he would be so jovial and such a good listener. But on the way home he tore everyone apart. He did a complete switch and I was bewildered. Now I know…
” The older a Narc gets, the nastier they are” YES, everyone re-read this because melanie is so correct.
My father is almost 91 yrs old..an in your face overt Narc. My mother is so co-dependent and I wonder how she manages to stay alive with a man that makes her anxious and ill most of the time.
I married ( and I think much worase) COVERT, somatic Narc. For years I could see his behavior and label the oddness of it but finally my daughters told me, ” Mom, he is a narcissist.” It all came together then.
The last 10 yrs of our marriage got worse. I started getting sick and he was enjoying his ‘elite’ group of friends, traveling, lying and manipulationg. There were always women floating around in the background.
Now, with all my reading–and the best is Melanie’s writings–I am understanding my responsibility in all this and loving myself, taking care of myself inside and outside.
I am at peace ( and Irene means Peace in the Greek), my health is fantastic, I am being patient about what the rest of my life holds.
Reading….and re-reading until I got the depth of healing and understanding takes concerted time and effort…but we are worth it!
Get out of the pity party as soon as you can. Sometimes it is an indulgence but we don’t recognize it. I WANTED to be pitied for awhile but now any longer. While we all have a different timeline for healing, constantly assess yourself, be honest and gently push forward.
Hi, Melanie. Thanks for your help.
I recently ended an affair with someone who has many of the traits listed for NPD, and the more I read the more I understand… but the sadder I get. It’s hard to let go of my illusions, even though now I realize that so little of it was real.
I should’ve known better. I had dated this man when I was younger, and that time around I developed an eating disorder. He later admitted that he had put me down, to make me insecure. But now when I met him again, he seemed so different and I was fooled.
There were many signs along the way which I chose to ignore. In the beginning, he seemed like the love of my life, to the point I left my husband because of his promise that we would be together. He promised to end his own marriage, but waited months before he did it, I guess stringing both of us women along, getting something from each. Along the way I noticed that this man is obsessed with status symbols, and has to have the best of everything. He always made me feel like the things I owned were inferior to his. After my divorce, I was left in a tough financial situation, but he would constantly “forget” this, doing things like asking me to dinner and then asking me to pay for my part… which he knew I couldn’t. I know this is a control mechanism. He would also give me the silent treatment and disappeared whenever he needed to, with no regard for my feelings. Also, he was married to a very wealthy, beautiful woman (although he claimed I was “better than her”) who was, interestingly enough, full of fears and phobias. He claimed he didn’t understand how this had happened because she wasn’t like that before, but now I think he probably undermined her so much, she became a fearful person.
In the end they separated, but I was already doubting our relationship by then. As a result (I guess of neither of us being there for him), he fell into a severe depression and even said he felt empty inside. He dumped me without explaining, but then came back to tell me that, although I was “perfect,” he couldn’t be with me because I had a child and he couldn’t bear the thought of “sharing” me. He said he couldn’t stand the idea of being emotionally involved with children. It was very hurtful, especially considering all the promises he had made for our future, but I am glad I was smart enough not to introduce my child to him, as I was waiting for him to get his divorce before doing it.
I am considered to be a pretty strong woman, so my guess is he thought that, although I was the kind of person he’d like to be seen with, he couldn’t really handle me. Still, I am sad I fell for him and invested my feelings in this type of relationship.
Hi. I am so glad I stumbled across your website and I am reading everything I can. Two years ago I was sexually assaulted (bitten 9x) and my property destroyed in a relationship. I swore it would never happen again after I divorced my husband in 93. Simultaneously a tax preparer made a mistake on my taxes and I ended up sleeping @ “friends” places. Broke and in debt until the problem could be resolved. I call them friends loosely because they weren’t really good to me but more or less exploitive. I finally got on my feetagain landing a solid good paying job. I finally met a good man. Or so I thought. After a year and a half at my job I was forced to resign after month after month of workplace bullying in a highly competitive atmosphere. The verbal attacks. Mind games. etc. I lost this boy friend within a month after that. Turns out the boyfriend was having an affair all along. Had many many other gf’s on fb. I found out he was secretly bisexual by researching online. I worked so hard after my divorce in 93 and subsequent loss of custody of my daughter to my dv abuser after a few years of endless court battles that bankrupted me. He turned my daughter against me in the classic case of ‘parental alienation’. My daughter is 23 and talks to me and treats me as abusive as her father did when we were married. I suffered greatly from that loss in 93 but picked myself up and went back to college. I spent 6 years in college and attained 2 degrees. I have been in years of therapy. My therapist says my father is a narcissist and my mother a co narcissist. My mother had stopped speaking altogether with me when I completed my last degree in 2009. For the life of me I cannot figure out what I had done wrong as I lived thousands of miles away from her since my twenties. I simply offered to take care of her as she aged. An appropriate comment as I live so far away and maybe she was worried about it. She said “No thank you you get on my nerves”. I was devastated. At that point I simply confronted her gently about a few things and she totally rejected me. I assume it was my fathers doing. Yet he calls and asks if I will take care of him as he ages. I keep connecting with male narcissists as mates. My work relationships are terrible as I am bullied by women just as much as men. I am an attractive woman. I take good care of my health. I am friendly. I have done years of therapy. I have walked on and up and away from a painful past to have it replaying still in my life. The last therapist I saw said “wow! you have had a tough life”.My only brother is dead from a failed suicide attempt that killed him a year later in repairitive surgery. I can relate to Toby when he says he cannot stop crying. His work means nothing. I can relate to the responder who says that we can get more and more frightened as we age because still nothing is working out. I have an on call job where I might have a client or two a week and I can hardly handle that. I have resorted to sleeping pills to sleep. I am at my wits end. I have wanted to vomit since the day I resigned from my job two months ago and the feeling does not go away. This boyfriend that was having the affairs and fb lady friends all along has betrayed me in the wickedest sense. All the classic signs of narcissism.Calling me 3×4 times a day checking were I was what I was doing. Nothing was quite good enough for him. The lies. Gosh I am exhausted. I have enough money saved to live for 6 mnths without returning to work. Thank God. I am a mess.
This article is so dead on about my ex husband. His favorite quote to me was ” I must be number one in your life” and ” I don’t answer to anyone”. The last d and d ( after several others) was because I made plans to see my mom in the nursing home on a Saturday instead of seeing him. My big fault was because he could only see me on weekends and I chose to do something else not putting him as number one! Never mind that he never made the effort to see me during the week. His excuse was because he worked . So do I and I made the effort to see him but it was never returned.
I wouldn’t go back and live with him full time because he was still drinking, something that we both acknowledged was an issue of why I divorced him. He then told me that he didn’t believe that I left because of that and his behaviors associated with it as well. His excuse is that I really didn’t want to be married to him and that I fled!
Since we broke up in May he has gotten 2more DUI arrests, is facing revocation of his drivers license, suspension of his law license, jail time
His sense of entitlement is so great that he blames the police for his arrests. After the first one he was calling me drunk saying he learned a lesson that he just wouldn’t drink and drive anymore. Then he told me he wasn’t mad at me ( how nice of him) But that he knew that it was because I really didn’t want to be married to him and that’s why we were divorced. He then went on to say I made a mistake by divorcing him since he made an exorbitant amount of money last year (he won several of his cases) that he looks at our wedding pictures saying he was sooooo happy but that I screwed up! Unbelievable!
Since his last arrest haven’t heard a peep from him and found out about it from someone else. I know I need to let go, and my good friend says I should feel sorry for him that his life is a mess, but I simply don’t. I know it probably isn’t good for me to feel resentment. And actual giddiness that his life is a mess but I do. I know I need to get over not caring at all about him to get on with my life but I admit that after all the pain I suffered through with him. I’m glad he is getting some thrown back his way. Maybe next week I can let it go but right now. I can’t.
Eureka! I have been in and out of a six year attempt to save a sociopathic APD narcisist from himself… I lost the ability to function, am in the no contact phase after havin my life and family threatened and being told: “how does it feel to know everything you did means nothing?” He was incarcerated for armed robbery for most of this time, but has been living in my head. His parents are the same and his whole family is psychologically maladjusted. I have been in the fog for long. Your articles are confirmation I need help. Many thanks for your healing words you are truly an angel force 🙂 I miss feeling owned and the thought I found my soulmate,and the way I felt when in the 1st phase each tim, but not – the extreme depression and loss of emotion, even towards my children was frightening. I opted out of his life but he stalked me, my life has been in chaos and it took 2 weeks of no contact now for me to see how he manipulated my emotions, I lost my 8 year job and my mind. Thank you for your outreach I am not feeling so alone and hope to heal from being in love with something that did not exist. I am now focusing on building a relationship and healing my children, one 13 year old started ‘cutting herself; said I don’t notice her, so now I refocus on people who genuinely need help not psychic vampires. We were quite telepathic and that was a problem. I now cut the astral cord again and will do this everytime to avoid emotional suicide.
Lol they have no idea how normal, sincere and basic I can be. 💛