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Life is full of many incredible ironies, and the more we get to understand how life really works, and Who We Really Are, we can begin to understand what does serves us is not what we have been programmed and conditioned to think.

The operative work in the above sentence is ‘think’.

The information in today’s article is a sharing of my personal journey and the path I am connected to presently.

This path fascinates me and excites me beyond anything I have ever felt and experienced emotionally and vibrationally before, and I am literally stunned by how pure and simple it can be.

Like so many people in the Community, I certainly have not always done it the ‘simple way’. As a self-confessed co-dependent running some pretty fierce egoic survival programs – I have lived a great deal of my life from a powerless position – trying to create positive change by combating life rather than working within the true system of life.

Hence why I have experienced a lot of pain and disappointment – and why I do what I do as a mission.

The great thing is understanding ‘what has gone on’, and being able to deeply resonate with how to turn that around.

In regard to recovering from narcissistic relationships we hopefully realise there comes the time when we have to ‘let go’ in order to survive.

It is impossible to force a pathological individual to start operating with integrity, care, decency and compassion. We all certainly discover the hard way – it is impossible to control the uncontrollable.

Inevitably we reach the juncture where no matter how many different shapes of a pretzel we try to twist into, we finally ‘get’ we cannot change someone else’s personality disordered brain-wiring and resulting conscienceless behaviour.

The truth is we are not meant to.

The ‘letting go of the narcissist’ is symbolic…and it’s only the beginning.

The journey of healing and recovering ourself is about so much more than just letting go of the narcissist.

What it is really about is the letting go of our fearful egoic self.

It is about letting go of the ‘monkey mind’, ‘the blender brain’ and the fearful emotions and choices we make when we feel powerless.

Ironically the feelings we experience of powerlessness during and after narcissistic abuse, are identical to the feelings of deep inner powerlessness that the narcissist reacts to and expresses as pathological behaviour, maliciousness and rage.

It is only deeply frightened people who damage others.

It is only deeply frightened people who accept damage from others.

When we take the journey of personal evolution we look deeply at ourselves. We look at how fear, emptiness and powerlessness have played out in our own life.

We start to understand that there is no ‘out there’ – the ‘out there’ that showed up was all about showing us what was ‘in there’ to heal.

 

Where Has The Powerlessness Come From?

It’s no surprise that our ego is the culprit.

It is the true ‘enemy within’.

Our ego is not just powerless – it is narcissistic.

I’ll explain why…

The ego entices us with manipulation – feelings of unworthiness, and not ‘enoughness’ in order for us to try to get the relief of ‘an identity’ from outside of ourself.

The ego convinces us that the outer seeking it urges us to do will make us ‘more’ – yet all it does is strip us down to ‘less’.

The following is SO important to understand.

Our ego is a False Self – it is not Who We Really Are.

The problem is – if we are living our life through our ego – we are disconnected from deeply feeling the peace, fullness and connection of Who We Are, and the search for authentic joy, love and fulfilment is thwarted constantly.

It’s like looking for salvation in every place possible except where it really is.

Your ego as a False Self never feels good enough. Therefore the ego needs to define itself with ‘stuff’ ‘people’ and ‘significance’. This means the ego precariously feels ‘great’ if it gets what it wants (temporarily), and ‘hurt’ when it doesn’t (often).

Life to the ego is an unstable rollercoaster of painful and addictive emotions.

Your ego, as an insecure self, takes many things personally. Your ego states “I can’t be happy NOW because this happened to me in the past”.

Your ego also believes “I can’t be happy until I get the stuff, person or significance in the future that will make me happy”.

If we are not conscious, we can easily believe the stories our ego feeds us and they become our identity. These stories are emptiness, worthlessness and the constant barrage of ‘you are not good enough as you are’.

That is exactly what depression is – living life through your False Self.

Co-dependents have it, and narcissists have it.

It’s just that co-dependents, because of essential integrity, don’t pathologically, purposely and maliciously use people to get relief from it.

 

The Pain Body

The pain-body is the collective manifestation of all the pain, misery, and sorrow a person has ever gone through their entire life, and all the things they inherited from their culture and family history as well. A person’s pain-body feeds and strengthens itself by making themselves and others miserable.

–Eckhart Tolle

Like all true narcissists, any attention is good attention, as it confirms the ego’s existence.

A narcissistic individual feels validated when he or she acts out and procures pain. Identically your ego gains the same temporary satisfaction.

Narcissistic individuals are fed and energised by another person’s painful reaction. Identically your ego is energised and fed from your pain.

The more pain you give it, the more it takes you over, and then the ego has exactly where it wants you. Hooked to it and handing over regular and plentiful supplies of pain.

You know exactly how that played out with the narcissist.

See the correlation?

In the case of the narcissist the ego has performed a complete takeover of the submerged and shrivelled up True Self.  The narcissist deciding to choose pathology to emotionally survive – “I will use any method necessary to stay one-up of others who could hurt me”, and destroyed the True Self (conscience and reverence for life).

The narcissist disconnected completely from the truth of life – ‘What I do to others is what I do to myself. Because we are all ONE’

When you are dealing with a narcissist you are not dealing with a ‘human’ (someone connected to their Soul), you are dealing exclusively with an egoic pain body.

The ego needs conflict, pain and struggle to exist.

Think of cancer cells. They eat up surrounding tissue but the tissue they consume never makes them ‘well’ – the cancer only spreads and strengthens itself.

If the condition of ‘cancer’ is not dissolved, eventually the disease destroys the environment and ultimately itself.

Your ego is this insidious. It is the cancer of your Soul.

If you did a study or compiled statistics on how narcissists end up at the end of their life, you would see the real life evident of where being entrenched in one’s ego takes someone.

It’s not pretty…

 

How To Identify Your Ego

You ego is the perpetual voice which says ‘I am not happy now’.

The reason being it is not receiving ‘relief’ from itself adequately from outside of itself.

As a False Self, the ego never feels okay on its own merits. It harbours pain of the past as the reason it can’t be at peace now (consciously or unconsciously), and has expectations and demands for the future as conditions in order to be happy.

Therefore only when I have the right partner, the right amount of money in my account, the adequate security, possessions, clothes, job or lifestyle, attention, recognition or entitlement can I, or will I be ‘worthy’, ‘enough’ or ‘happy’.

Trying to satisfy you own ego is like trying to satisfy any narcissist – it can’t be done.

Even if these things come the ego does not want to be happy because then it would be out of a job.

Rather than having the consciousness to realise the unhappiness is coming from within, the ego finds a way to judge, criticise and demean what it does get, project shame and internal pain as blame as others, gets bored with ‘success’, or acts out the unconscious unworthiness that will sabotage the deal.

Or (as is the case with co-dependents horrifically) will make all the logical excuses to ignore the inner warning bells and continues with a ‘wonderful’ deal or relationship which ends up as pain and disaster instead – not knowing that the egoic pain body was running the show.

There is never ANY stability, security or happiness created though the ego.

The more your ego has grabbed hold of you, the more emptiness, neediness and self-criticism, and lower self-worth  you will suffer, and the more addicted you will be to having to get things, people’s energy and significance outside of yourself to escape the feelings of not being enough.

Then the more you are robbed of your true identity – your True Self.

 

Disconnection From Your True Power

The ego’s purpose is to disconnect you from your own power.

How does it do this?

It convinces you that you are NEVER ENOUGH and you need to GET MORE.

The tool the ego uses is painful emotions to get your mind to think painful thoughts, which then create more painful emotions which then signal for more painful thoughts.

Where are the painful emotions being generated from?

The past…

Where is the ego constantly living?

In the painful past, and trying to scramble over the top of the now in order to manufacture some relief from a future event.

The ego is never satisfied or connected to the Now.

Not durably anyway and certainly not solidly. Only if the ego’s exact expectations are met – and only momentarily before the ego has a chance to discredit, find fault with or or sabotage the happiness.

Or what seems wonderful in the now turns into the painful calamity it always was (remember co-dependently ignoring intuitive warning bells).

Where does your True Self exist and know itself as peace, connectedness, wholeness and consciousness?

In the Now…

Because Now is the only place that exists. Every moment of your life, where you ever had any influence whatsoever, is in every moment of Now.

Now is the only place you have any power – and to have power your consciousness and connectedness needs to be right here right now.

It’s impossible to have any connection to life, your Soul, happiness, creativity, love and appreciation of yourself, life and others when you are living as “I can’t be happy because of what happened in my past”, and “I can’t be happy until this particular thing happens in my future.”

 

Becoming Less To Become More

You may or may not follow this following theory of mine – and either way is perfectly okay.

I firmly believe that we are all in a process of evolution right now in a very profound way. Time has sped up (ask children they will agree) and it has nothing to do with ‘getting older’. We are fast tracking towards evolution of our species – and the world is in total need of a transformation of consciousness.

The illusions of separateness and pain have been going for a long time, and egos and insanity have been the cause.

Because you are a part of this community and have experienced the painful dance of the co-dependent and narcissist, this transformation time is powerful for you too, and I believe it’s no mistake that you are reading this information now.

This evolution process we are all undergoing is about getting out of the pain body (ego) and claiming our True Self.

Here is the massive irony..

To become more you have to become less.

You have to lose who you thought you were. You have to let it go. And you have to lose your mind, in order to become a new mind.

To claim your True Self you have to lose your ego, which is what you thought your Identity was.

When you let go of your old identity and beliefs, and become real and vulnerable instead, you realise just how invulnerable you really are.

When you let go of the previous conditions you required to be happy, you experience unlimited happiness.

When you no longer base your worth on outside validation or acquisitions, you naturally accept and love yourself, and an avalanche of good fortune starts entering your life.

Why? Because you are working with the true system of life.

Because you are no longer tied up in the agony of the pain of the past, or the conditional fear projected into your future. You are no longer a slave to feelings of defectiveness or unworthiness, or the panic of ‘what if’.

You are free to love, play and create.

Life is always giving you ‘more of you’, therefore do you want to emotionally remain trapped (limited), or become freedom and expansion (unlimited)?

This is the shift from a ‘Human Doing’ (ego) into a ‘Human Being’ (consciousness).

The latter is your natural state – it’s the state you are supposed to be experiencing.

Everything else is an illusion which has been keeping you separated from what you want – a true connection with yourself and life.

 

How To Dissolve Your Ego

I’ll grant you some of the suggestions that have worked incredibly well for me in dissolving my ego.

Firstly I can’t recommend ENOUGH reading Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth. Truly I don’t believe a spiritual development library is complete without this book – especially now.

Eckhart Tolle is the true master on writing about ego, humbly I wouldn’t even try to come close… his work is phenomenal.

Eckhart lays out a brilliant formula for identifying and dissolving the ego in A New Earth that is very easy to start applying immediately.

If you haven’t read it yet – it’s a must read!

Then, I have found the fastest and most powerful way to start starving the ego and breaking its circuit is to shift pain out of your cells. Which in effect is the reduction of your pain body.

Every time you go into your mind and start thinking about your emotional pain, or go for a fix outside of yourself to try to gain relief from the emotional pain, you have just fed your pain body.

Now your job to dissolve your ego just got bigger, because you let your ego get bigger.

This is what I do when I feel emotional pain…

I refuse to go into the story of it in my mind, which would only give my ego a hook in to me.

I now rarely get sucked in…very rarely.

(Of course I used to constantly, we all know the horrendous levels of that when you are hooked to a narcissist).

Instead of thinking about the pain, as soon as I can, I go into the feeling of the pain and shift it out of my body energetically with Quanta freedom Healing.

Then there is no charge and no painful thing for my mind to hook in to. The pain body vicious circle has been severed.

This way my pain body gets starved, and becomes less and less and less. Which makes space for my natural state as my True Self function to emerge and get bigger and bigger. The real me naturallyfeels whole and happy, creative and content Now,  with no interruption of past pain or fears of conditions and expectations in the future.

What a relief!

What freedom!

I’m not going to delude you into thinking it’s an overnight job, because it isn’t. And once you start starving your pain body it is going to come at you ten times harder to try to get its fix, using any narcissistic method possible to hook you.

That’s why ignoring any thoughts and mind stories and just shifting out the emotional pain is SO effective. Because you don’t get hooked in to the rubbish.

This takes effort, and it means meeting your pain and NO LONGER avoiding it. It’s like shovelling out a hole of black mud to get to the gold underneath. The gold that was always there!

Boy is it worth it, and with powerful energetic tools to shovel out the mud it may only be a few months of firmly committing to yourself before you do – for the first time in your life – REALLY break free.

The important thing is – you can

Imagine what our world would be if ego, pain, separation and fear was dissolved.

How do you change the world? The answer is always simple – start with changing yourself.

It all starts with one person becoming a True Self.

That’s how we can create heaven on earth.

I look forward to replying to your comments!

 

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65 thoughts on “The Futility Of “I Will Be Happy When…”

  1. This article came just when I needed it. I spent the weekend with my narcissist ‘boyfriend” and felt more love from him then ever before. I made pictures in my head of the story he was telling me. He asked me to run away with him, that we’d change our names and just be together every day, just the two of us. My fantasy was in full color. Who doesn’t want to run away from a hectic life of responsibilities and pain? I spent the entire day “in love” and then as fast as it came – it left. I sent him a text, he replied immediately back and forth 3 times then silence. I felt “tricked” that he got me this time even more deeply then ever before. I felt more love for him and more sympathy for him then ever before. And yet, was able to feel the depth of pain only hours later. I’ve gotten better at pulling away, at realizing what this is, yet, am unable to say “no” to him when he asks to be with me. I cannot understand the spell I am under. I am a smart, educated, street wise woman who has many men to chose from and yet, this is who I chose…I keep asking why? I so desperately needed the answer and this article helped more than you know. Thank you Melanie!!! If you have not experienced the push/pull of narcissism, you can never understand it, I’m in it and cannot understand it. I’m trying to make positive changes and feel growth, but yet fall backwards easily. I didn’t understand how our energies matched, but this article explains it very well. I will now concentrate on working on my Ego.

    1. Hi DeDe,

      I am so glad this article was timely for you.

      It is very true that whene the cracks appear in relationships with narcissists the relationship just starts to disintegrate further and further…

      The ‘up’ times are followed very quickly with more pain, more abandonment and more of the rug from being pulled out from under you.

      It is like a runaway train heading straight for a terrible crash.

      The ‘spell’ you are under has nothing to do with ‘logic’. In fact it is usually the most intellectual, clever, capable people who get the most severely hooked. This community is filled with these people.

      What is hooking is you deep subconscious emotional programs – hence why healing needs to be addressed at this level and is not going to be resolved intellectually.

      Your pain body is NOT logical.

      This is a calling to go to and address those subconscious programs which unfortuantely we were never educated to recognise or tend to.

      Please DeDe look at NARP – because it is your solution to get out of these soul shattering cycles and durably heal.

      Mel xo

    2. Hi DeDe

      I’m in the exact same position as you. I’m stuck and can’t seem to commit to no contact, because sometimes it’s easier just to give in to seeing him rather than suffer the harassment and belittling. I know all to well about the push-pull. All the while I keep telling myself, I’ll be happy when….
      I’ve come to realize quitting a narcissist is much like quitting smoking. It’s a mind set, and to take it one day at a time. I’m grateful to now be able to identify that it’s my ego that brings me back to him.

      1. Hi CJ,

        it is very true that being hooked to a narcissist is like a smoking addiction. All addictions are an attempt at relief from the pain that is fuelling the anxiety underneath.

        In regards to ‘love pain’ it relates to ever less than unworthy, unlovable or unacceptable belief we have ever accumulated about ourself. The narcissist ‘appears’ as the answer to ALL of our pain and emptiness (the perfect mate) and we cling trying to get relief from our own painful inner programs which were established in childhood and from our genetic DNA.

        ‘Love pain’ is immense – and the self-denial we can play out trying to get relief ‘from the outside’ (as is the case with all addiction) just as intense. This is why I have worked with recovered heroin addicts which state that the ‘drug’ of the narcissist is so much harder to heal from than heroin was.

        The true remedy is not just about letting go of the narcissist – it is truly about addressing the painful belief systems underneath which are causing the anxiety and the intense addiction.

        I hope this makes sense.

        Mel xo

    3. I thought I was in the middle of pressing charges against my narcissist ex fiancé for serious physical abuse. That was, until I read this. I’m NOT in the middle of it today. I WAS yesterday when the state attorney called me regarding a plea bargain they were going to offer him. It hurt. I was scared. And it hurt today and I was scared today and I kept feeding it. Until I read this. RIGHT NOW- at THIS MOMENT- I’m NOT in the middle of anything other than a remarkable article on how to find my true self and shine again. I am grateful for your willingness to share your knowledge to help others empower themselves with their TRUE selves. I look forward to finding power in vulnerability. I look forward to this journey and thank you for inviting me on it! Sincerely- Shay

      1. Hi Shay,

        That is wonderful that you are standing up and honouring your rights – and saying “Enough”.

        I am so thrilled your resonated with the soul truth of this article and that you are claiming your True Self.

        Bless!

        Mel xo

    4. DeDe,

      You so perfectly described the “push-pull” of narcissism and how they “get you.” For myself I am starting to suspect that it is the very extremes of feeling–the very high to very low–that I “want.” I always have loved roller-coasters. And I am starting to see how much of my life I flush down the toilet of my addiction to the Narcissistic push-pull. I react and am excused (by me) from all of life’s tediums. So much more exciting to be the victim of a heartless, heedless Narcissist!

  2. Dear Tonia,

    your article is so well written and I relate to it very strongly as a recovering co-dependent.

    As you know, co-dependents are akin to drug addicts in applying themselves to the endless satisfaction of unconsolable ego. It is in quiet, non-threatening environments like the internet, that we allow our guards down and feel less defensive when our basic mantras are jabbed. Your work is just so important.

    Love to You fellow traveller,

    Matthew

    1. Hi Matthew,

      yes this is so true that co-dependency is a gnawing emptiness and trying to fill that hole from the outside in.

      Addictions are the choice to try to medicate the pain and anxiety – but leave the real issues unattended to – and therefore, regardless of the temporary relief of the drug of choice, just get bigger and bigger.

      Much love to you too.

      Mel xo

  3. Dear Melanie ,
    Thankyou ! I’m in tears but they are tears of reality truth and clarity . I had a four year affair with a narcissist that I met when I was 15 . I’m now 47 I feel I was smarter at 17 . I’ve been receiving your newsletter since march and I do believe I experienced PTSD . You seem to send the most appropriate info at the absolute perfect time .What ill never get is how I could have betrayed my wonderful husband of 25 yrs in Oct . Ultimately my husband is a fixer nurturer type i now realize i chose him for a reason to keep me safe in the world as my dad was an alcoholic and loved me but as you said couldn’t provide my sense of being capeable to keep myself safe . After reading tonight re co dependence I now suspect that escapism and low esteem lead to addiction to the “first love ” narcissist . I find myself thankful that even though I slip like tonight after a bad day I’m a hospice nurse I was very down on myself ) I’m conscious and I can redirect my perspective . My husband forgives me I didn’t grovel beg and lie as my affair partner chose to do I was ultimately terrified I ruined my relationship and would be alone but with integrity and truth we found we want to move forward together and are trying to do it differently , its the best its been . I’m terrified as the narc continues to bait me I have resisted but admit the “Maybe it isn’t so ” mentality but as you suggested I have a reference list of Noooo ‘s to remind me , I also tell my husband . Hope I didn’t ramble to much but my best is good enough my new mantra . Is it wrong to forgive if it benefits my recovery I do care he is divorced I was able to save my marriage . He needs to own his outcome , I’m humbly sorry for my part , I just feel responsible for his loss at times its so difficult to be mean but I’m confident my LIFE depends on my strength but even at my weakest Ive gotten through it for that in part I Thank your mails An article on Affairs with a Narc would be so helpful I imagine to so many who suffer in silence like me isolated from family as its an affair as well as prisoned with a beast . Sincerely , Pam Smolinski

    1. Hi Pamela,

      I can relate to the truth bringing tears. I can’t recall how many times I have had that deep emotionally liberating experience!

      If you have been with a narc, yes absolutely you have experienced PTSD – it is synonymous of being enmeshed with a narcissist.

      It is good that you have been able to put some of the pieces together, and also to claim what has been going within yourself which has made you susceptible to being plucked by a narcissist.

      What is going to be very important for you Pamela is to let go of the shame and the beating up of yourself – and firmly embracing instead that what you experienced was VERY meant to be.

      It has allowed what you needed to heal to be shown to you – which is what all ‘wrong’ choices and actions grant us.

      The truth is they were not ‘wrong’ – they were all a part of our soul’s desire to gain awareness, go within and heal.

      Your husband also has his own healing in this as well – what ‘happened to him’ was something his soul also orchestrated for his awareness and growth.

      What was ‘unconscious’ needed to become ‘conscious’.

      That is what personal evolution is all about.

      I may write about affairs with narcs one day.

      The truth really is this Pamela – every relationship with a narcissist is a non-exclusive affair.

      Narcissist are all firmly committed to their False Self (taken over by it) and there is never an exclusive deal with them.

      As a result most narcissists even in ‘committed relationships’ are busy appeasing their False Self with adultery and other sources of NS anyway.

      Hugs and healing to you. You are now on path to really healing what you need to heal.

      Mel xo

  4. Melanie: It’s like you’ve got a knack for knowing what we’re all dealing with now. I have had no contact with the N for over a year..and I’ve found the last month has been so incredibly difficult! I couldn’t figure out why until I read your article…I need to be in the “NOW”!! I need to forgive myself and release all of the pain of the past! My this has been a long road but I am forever thankful for finding you…you have the knowledge to help us all who have been down this incredibly unbelieveable road!

    1. Hi Jennie,

      I am so glad this has helped.

      Truly I just listen to my intuition about ‘what to write’ and I know we are all beautifully connected!

      Yes it can feel like a long road – but this I DO know – totally….People who have been narc abused are here to know the glory of being free – to truly be love and light, connected to life and Be Who They Really Are.

      They would have never co-created this make or break soul experience unless that was the true gift.

      The quantity of the pain is the quantity of the joy, liberation and freedom (REAL LIFE) on the other side. Such is the nature of profound evolution.

      Mel xo

  5. My ex left me for another woman and never looked back. He is 65 years old. He had it all plan and I never knew it was coming until the day he said he wanted a divorce. This newsletter is one of the best I have ever read. You have made me understand so much. I will be re-reading this for a long time. Thank you

    1. Hi Tarcila,

      This is what narcissists do – because they refuse to be ‘unpartnered’ and alone with their inner demons without trying to project pain or get relief (NS) from a partner.

      Hugs and healing for you to claim your True Self and know that your ‘self’ and ‘life’ is yours to live – and that you deserve this.

      Mel xo

  6. I will re-read this article but to start with a comment regarding ‘ego’, in that men seem to live ‘naturally’ in ego. I have male friends who are in ego a lot of the time and especially around each other. Even though lovely people (my male friends) at times they will ‘bait’ and seem to enjoy getting a reaction from another, namely me, but I have seen it with other women too. My close friend recently said…’I knew I would get a reaction, when I said ‘blah’ (what he said) and I felt instantly uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. He has successfully cornered me. Comments like ‘I am going to just be my usual ‘charming’ self’ to get what I want. Is that ego talking? or is it just healthy man banter, as I hear all sorts of things like that form normal everyday people. I don’t want to think of my closes friends as narcs, but I see that men in general do have many narc traits. Winding a woman up to get a reaction to me is ‘unhealthy ego’. I have learnt to not respond to some comments when I know they are ‘baiting’ even as a joke. Can you explain Mel, the best way to ‘react or not to react’ to egoic comments.

    Great article once again. Love Jac xx

    1. Hi Jac,

      I relate a lot to what you are saying in regards to the egoic behaviour of men. As a male who grew up in Australia I can say that the egoic behaviour between men such as banter, poking fun at one another and one-up manship is deeply ingrained into how males interact with one another. (It is very common for the father to play practical jokes on his son for example). Most men grow up with the belief that this is normal human behaviour. I believe relationships based on this model of behaviour are egoic in nature in that they satisfy the ego and are therefore not authentic, it can be viewed as narcissistic to a degree, but remember there are healthy levels of narcissism and unhealthy levels.

      It’s important to make the distinction between someone with a healthy level of narcissism and someone who has unhealthy levels (NPD) If you have read Melanie’s previous article “Am I The Narcissist” (https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/am-i-the-narcissist/) she makes the clear distinction that someone who has unhealthy narcissism/classified with NPD must not have a conscience (inability to feel guilt for wrongdoing or harming others) and cannot feel genuine empathy without having an agenda.

      So in order to ascertain whether your male friends are narcissistic I would try to think about the times they expressed genuine empathy or remorse for their actions. For example – Do they “I’m sorry” when they make a mistake?

      Hope this helps.

      1. Hi Zac, I am answering this now as I have been working on healing. I have been a member of the community for a while now, 2 years in fact and have learn’t a lot from the ‘biggest narc experience’ that has changed my life. (I have also discovered my past pain started from the age of 2, having a narc father and continued throughout my mums life and mine).

        In regards to whether my friends are narcs or have traits, well I have to say, they have the typical male Aussie traits of ‘ego’ and they don’t seem to think it is necessarily bad to ‘bait’ someone or to have a ‘harmless joke’ to make themselves look good (or look like men in charge). To be honest I don’t feel it is right to be baited or to be ‘jokingly criticised’ for point scoring and ego boosts, so they can feel ‘manly’.

        No, I have never had an apology, not…’I am sorry, I should not speak to you like that’…only I get instead…’I am only joking or teasing’…as they don’t see that it is wrong. Nothing I say will make any difference, as they believe they are just being men. Their egos are huge and there is not one person I know, who doesn’t live in ego most of the time. It seems to be the human way, (as Mel puts it ‘human doings’).
        I have noticed and feel I am starting to vibrate at a different level to a lot of people I know and I am finding that I am just not interested in communicating or being friends with people who live with a false self, so am seeing them less and less now. Egotistical men and women are difficult to be around, as everything seems to be a competition. I feel no need to compete anymore, (being something I am not, so they will like me), now I have found and am finding more of my true self. It is really off putting to be around the ‘ego energy’ plus unhealthy.

        I hope you Zac and everyone who has found Mels website is finding the way toward more light, truth and peace. I know I have and I have more to find, more life to live and a new me is emerging. New me, new friends, new experiences, truth and harmony and connectedness to life that is not an illusion. If feels great! Love Jac xx

    2. Hi Jac,

      glad you liked the article..

      And I do agree that ‘pit downs’ and egoic behaviour is a way to avoid true intimacy and connection.

      Avoiding intimacy and connection is always about – “If you really ‘see’ me you may reject me.”

      I agree with Zac’s comment below – in that people who can’t own their comments or behaviour affecting others – who can’t be accountable – are narcissistic.

      Lots of love

      Mel xo

  7. Correction on my last post…’that men in general do have many narc traits’…that goes for women too and I have encountered more women with narc traits or NPD than men. I am referring mainly to men in this post as an example as the ex narc in my life was a man. So to all the wonderful men on this forum-it is not a gender issue relating to narcissism in general. x

  8. Melanie every word written here was worth reading. It clearly explains the codependent/ narcissist relationship and how they fuel each other. He now has his own camper and I want my own tiny house which consists of around 120 square feet. I wanted my house built long before he bought and planted his camper in my daughter’s yard. What I really want is my own space to be my own person for once in my life. I am going on 56 now and I thought maybe it was my turn. I have down sized my life to almost a room with a bed. Those outer things were a means of distraction to the real truth. Those things gave him a reason to work and after he provided those things, I was also made aware of how little I do for him. Funny but now I can see how I fueled his narcissist supply. Every argument ends up with “Look at all the THINGS I bought you”! I am so done with things now that if I couldn’t find someone to give those things to, I was willing to trash them. I’m also learning that me not wanting things from him makes him angry at first and then he tries to find other ways to hurt me. PTSD has been lifelong for me. It’s all I’ve ever known. If I pronounce a word wrong, I am corrected in a nasty way. Regardless of what I say or do, I am wrong or beneath him. What gives me hope is knowing that you have overcome your horrendous life. Thanks for taking the time you have to help others see the light. Life for me otherwise would be dismal.

    1. Hi Megan,

      Absolutely the narcissistic / co-dependent relationship fuels itself – tragically…

      Yes, narcissists are all about entitlement to recognition – for good or bad they cannot bear to not be the centre of your universe…which is of course incredibly detrimental to connection, trust or ‘relationship’.

      Yes I have overcome my horrendous life – twice…and that meant being prepared to walk away with losses on many levels and know that my soul, worth, integrity and connection to life was the True Me – and deserved all of my attention – which meant leaving, walking away and never looking back.

      Real Life bears no resemblance to being in a relationship with a narcissist – and ‘reboots’ beautifully on so many levels when you make that firm choice, commit to the healing of your inner wounds (which the narcissist brought up in VIVID technicolour) and commit to our True Self.

      I hope you find the strength to sever all ties, and do that inner work as well.

      Mel xo

  9. Melanie. I left my “narcassist” 2 years ago after a 7 year rollercoaster. I am a professional 55 year old who is now “single” and getting there. But, just when I think I’m over him- he will text me or I will text him. I still feel enormous pity for him. I am really trying the “no contact” but I find it enormously difficult. I am going to University to study a part-time counselling course. (Not really sure why? Yet ). Your messages always seem to apply to my situation I am in at the time. You have certainly been instrumental in my recovery. Thank you so much x

    1. Hi Lor,

      some people can stay away with ‘information only’. Many other people can’t because the inner subconscious programs pushing them ‘back in’ are too powerful.

      This means your inner self is still a match for abuse.

      The methods that DO work are anything that can access your subconscious programs and do that direct work to release them and transform them. This means being prepared to finally ‘meet ourselves’ and this emotional pain at a deep inner level.

      Please read up on NARP – as that is the direct path to meet and transform these inner wounds. After doing that work you would have no more hooks and ‘matches’ to abuse and him. He is NOT your saviour from your pain – you are.

      Mel xo

  10. Hi Mel,
    Thanks again for another awesome and insightful article….you truly are an angel !
    I purchased your NARP program last week and am full on in to healing. I am finding I am doing at least one, sometimes more a day at the moment,do you think this might be overkill, or worse,impeding the process in any way ?
    I also wanted to mention ‘Access Consciousness’….I hope it is ok to mention other healing models here, I imagine you are aware of it, it is also healing on an energetic level and I am finding that your method in conjunction with some of the tools of A.C. are a brilliant combination and indeed, complimentary of one another.
    Doing some of your modules and then using the A.C.clearing statement if anything negative wants to slip back in again (it is weird but amazing and it works !)can bring instant relief from some of the intense emotional pain, which I tend to harbour very much in my back and body.
    Anyway, just wondered if you were aware of A.C. and what you thought.
    Thanks, as always, for everything you do
    Peeks
    Xxx

    1. Hi Peeks,

      you are so welcome, and thank you for your lovely Angel comment!!

      That is wonderful you have dived straight in – this is where the most powerful relief can come very quickly.

      Yes of course you can mention AC – I don’t know about it – but will research!

      I love ANYTHING that compliments, and many of the community do use other tools with NARP. My take is this – NARP does the deep inner work on subconscious programs (Beyond childhood, childhood, pain body, DNA level etc) – and anything else such as kinesiology, tapping, affirmations, yoga, meditation, NLP, homeopathy etc. etc. etc. which assists removing / releasing / transforming survival programs and emotional pain is brilliant!

      It is all about working on ourselves, dedicating to healing our inner being and becoming the best, most glorious beings we can be..

      What else is there to do if we want to feel liberated and create a great life?

      Thank you for your post!

      Mel xo

  11. Hi,
    Why do your blogs come through at just the right time! My narc left me 7 months ago no and I have been concentrating on me and the other things in my life that make me happy! I am getting better but yes still sad and just yesterday totally out of the blue I receive an email from him asking if I fancy a holiday with him??!!! I have replied yes that would be fab!! What on earth am I thinking about! I am forgetting he abandoned me and forgetting all the pain I suffered! Because I feel happier and content I seem to feel that a holiday would be ok??!!!! I am still living in his house and feel it would be ok for a week away as we did always probably if honest get on better when we were on holiday! I think that is why I feel it will be ok??!! Xx

    1. Hi Jo,

      synchronicity is such a beautiful confirmation of ‘connection’ and ‘Oneness’ – that we are NOT separate from life!

      I want to be straight with you here – ‘getting better’ is not about existing and ‘getting on’ without him.

      Getting better is about digging deep to heal the parts of ourself that have been connected to abuse and narcissists – so that we no longer have any ‘gap’, ‘hook’ or inclination to go back.

      Life is showing you (through his contact) that you haven’t healed those parts yet.

      Healing those parts means that the narcissist is no longer our Source – we become that Source of wellbeing, life and love to ourself. At that point we are impervious to ‘going back for more’.

      The cognitive resonance – which means forgetting the bad times and making excuses about the good times – is because our inner subconscious belief systems are pulling us back into the addiction with the narcissist.

      THAT is why you feel it will be okay.

      When you listen to your true inner gut (without mind excuses) you will know that it isn’t okay – that is what all the anxiety about saying ‘yes’ to him is really about.

      What is happening in your life right now is a strong prompt to do the inner healing. All of us need(ed) to ask ourselves “How bad does it have to get before I face me and heal?”

      Mel xo

  12. I reread this article many times, It is so powerful. Thank you, I am doing exactly what you say, I am replaying the story in my mind endlessly. I cant even sleep, because of it. During the day I do find myself continuously, finding ways not to move forward because of the past. The truth is I was not happy. Your articles are wonderful, I am looking forward to reading A new earth.

    1. Hi Larry,

      I am glad you enjoyed the article.

      You will love a New Earth. Within New Earth there is the ‘way’ to be conscious of the pain body and not buy in to it.

      What I have found with many people (including myself) who have been narc abused that can be quite hard because there is SOOOO much pain that surfaces when we are still.

      That is why I love the fast track and simpler energetic way of releasing and reducing the pain directly out of our bodies and subconscious mind.

      When we do that – the past is no longer ‘there’ to haunt us – and then there is wonderful available energy to be present and create the new.

      When we can’t leave the past alone – it is because our body and our mind have become addicted to the chemicals of the past. That is the cycle we need to break.

      Mel xo

  13. Dearest Melanie,

    The ego is a narc… since you have taught us all that really means….it’s mind boggling to draw that
    correlation. I have become the observer… in the Toltec tradition the path to enlightenment requires that we “observe the parasite”…..T R U T H never changes…narc equals parasite ! Adele Tinning another great psychic healer asked Jesus about the Devil he battled for 40 days and nights…. His reply…. On earth you would call it Ego……. low self esteem as a codependent made me think that I didnt have a “good enuf ego”…. what a trickster ego is! NOTICE TO EGO…. I AM WATCHING YOU! Thank you for this… I cycle out of the pain body now… but still get mired in it…get out quicker as I say no to the parasite ..pure powerless victim and so easy to get into that peptide perpetual madness space…this night at almost 3 am I have been wondering about my future…ha ha no kidding… THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME PERMISSION TO BE HAPPY NOW…. rope gag and tie my ego and the thought will occur to me organically with help from source. Love and more Love to all of you on this healing path and Mel for truth and light.xxoo Donna in Cozumel

    1. Hi Donna,

      Yes the ego is the ONLY narc. The narc that drives narcs and the narc that allows us to be abused.

      Ego is the TRUE reason for all pain and suffering.

      I LOVE the Toltec tradition. It is powerful and totally spot on.

      The ‘parasite’ is the False Self 100%.

      Correct – healthy self-esteem has nothing to do with ego. Ego is the complete acronym to self-esteem.

      Much love and light to you too – and that is wonderful you have permission to be your True Self happiness now!

      Mel xo

  14. Fantastically written piece of work!
    Wow! How true your words are and how they hit home!
    I’m getting there and my journey has speeded up since I have subscribed to your newsletter, thank you so much xx

  15. Hi Melanie.

    You have once again hit the nail on the head! You write with such clarity and gut wrenching honesty-all wrapped up in a bundle of love:)

    Knowing that I am my own savior has become such a godsend for me-a relief so to speak-I know it is up to me to change my thinking/D.N.A./addictions.

    I can now say for the very FIRST time that my whole life-childhood,narc relationships have made me a bigger, better person-I resisted/denied/ignored the lessons for a long time.

    Through your clarity and insight I have been able to discover my true nature and better fathom all that I have experienced and come to be grateful for life as a whole.

    The true answers and healing truly do lie within. Shifting the pain is essential to the process-allowing myself to really “feel”. The Quanta Freedom Healing program has become part of my life-Thank you once again for sharing your wisdom-I am grateful as always.

    Always in love:)

    Jane

    1. Hi Jane,

      Thank you for your lovely compliment!

      Isn’t that it Jane? The journey of helplessness trying to be ‘saved’ by everything outside of us – and then doing the necessary 180 degree turn to realise that our only saviour is in fact ourself…

      and THEN life provides ‘more’ of us…

      Your other point is also so true – we need to become an emotionally intelligent being – which means ‘feeling’, going within, releasing pain and then making room for the good stuff – because our entire life is created from our emotional standpoints. They dictate all of our choices, who we attract, and what we ‘play out’.

      I am so pleased you are enjoying and getting a lot out of the Empowered Self Course.

      Thank you for your post 🙂

      Mel xo

  16. Hi melanie & survivors,
    Within myself throughout this whole 19 years of past emotional torture, then devalue, discard, abandonment, separation, divorce & now freedom, I too promised myself milestones of happiness in each accomplishment I fulfilled, like when my divorce came through, when I bought my own small house to stabilize my children’s lives, when I bought my own car, the car I got to choose, I thought with each achievement I would find happiness, but instead I find I am still so lost & empty within myself yet I should be so proud instead. This article is a wake up call, to be able to let all the past go, to be able to change direction in my thinking when at times I feel so lost will be a godsend! I often ask myself would I change anything that’s happened in my life, the answer is always NO. Where would I be without my children, family & the people who care so much about me in my life. My nickname now is Suzy sunshine, I smile & laugh a lot however I still hurt within & cry at night but this article has touched a nerve in how I have chosen to still think so much of the past heartache! Tonight I lay here in tears writing this, not with so much sadness within but a sign of letting go & just allowing myself to like who I am! My goal will be to find myself & hopefully to love myself in time! Thank you Melanie, I found your website by accident, I now believe it was fate, I am on the right path thanks to you & all these inspirational stories I will continue to read & flourish from! X

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      you certainly can’t be blamed for thinking that ‘stuff’ would grant happiness.

      It wasn’t until I was 40 years of age that I discovered the truth – that happiness had nothing to do with feelings generated from the outside, it is exclusively to do with ‘beingness on the inside’.

      The past heartache means that you still have a cocktail of chemicals in your being that keep you dense in painful emotions / thoughts.

      I don’t know how many times I suggest the direct path to get out of this trapped cycle…

      Suzanne if it is your goal to break free please look at NARP, read or listen to the Thriver stories and you will see how accessible and close that freedom can actually be for you.

      Mel xo

  17. Thanks for this article Mel. My growing is happening and I am healing and there is still a way to go but I have changed from the inside and am doing things; scary things; different from how I’ve ever done them. The difference seems to be in the way I am setting boundaries. I have finally begun to fully understand that what I attract in life is who I am and if I let anything into my life that is destructive, then there is more healing to do. I have also learned that I create my life so it is useless to get anything from ‘out there’. All ‘out there’ is, is a reflection of where I am inside myself. So I am being extremely careful these days and feel very quiet; not invisible perhaps, but just ‘sitting quietly doing nothing’. Today I was very frightened and very angry because one of my colleagues was speaking to me in the presence of several other colleagues and assistants at work. I felt helpless to defend myself because once she starts on a rant, she is unapproachable. Today I did something I have never done before and held the destructive energy and felt powerful. I told her that I would not listen until she decided to speak to me politely. I then got up and removed myself from the room. Normally I feel unworthy and attacked. Today I felt strong and powerful and non-resistant but still set a boundary in place. I also realised that I have the right to protect myself and that is is my responsibility to do so. After work, she came and apologised and I was able to express my own thoughts about the situation to her and she listened and we hugged. I simply stayed with my own energy and did not take on her rant. I am beginning to do this all around with everything and everyone in my life. With my ex-boyfriend, I have been able to set clear boundaries. I realise that I am vulnerable because he is very charming. The difference now is that I am actually clear that he cannot meet any of my needs and simply brings destruction and drama into my life that leaves me devastated each time; and it is always the same. The difference now is that I have done enough healing work with QFH and kinesiology, that I am only allowing those things and people into my life that are reflections of how I want my life to look. It is as you say, and I am now ‘getting it’! I create my life. If I have shaky boundaries and let in people like my N ex-boyfriend, then I will get more of the same. Setting and keeping the boundaries, allows me power to create my life the way I want. I also realise that my mind has been twisted and it is a fantasy that I created ‘if only that lovely one was present and not the nasty one’. The truth is, he is really not lovely at all; that is my fantasy. Real love is nurturing and caring and does not hurt or create drama and real love is everywhere in lots of the people around me and in nature. I think I am having a lot of the deeper grief now and it is slowly coming out and shifting. Interestingly, the people around me are responding differently and they are more loving and I am getting a lot of hugs and warm communications these days. Eckhart Tolle also wrote ‘The Power of Now’ and I am reading it over and over again. I also have ‘A New Earth’. ‘The Power of Now’ has revolutionised my thinking. Thank you Melanie.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      you are very welcome.

      That is wonderful that you have been able to clearly feel and know the ‘inner and outer connection’ because that is what becoming a conscious being is all about.

      The wonderful thing about that is we stop trying to control and change the ‘outside’ and make the changes were we do have power to – which is on ‘the inside’.

      The goal really is however – for you to be open-hearted and connected to – and in life – knowing you CAN navigate, trust yourself and look after yourself.

      Intuitively I feel that there is some blocks regarding that – and that’s okay because you will be able to feel into them and release them so that you can open up and expand more.

      That is WONDERFUL that you stood in your power and clearly delivered that boundary – that is the terrific evolution of becoming a ‘new self’. Well done! Look at the incredible result of being an authentic self – and that is HUGE the sharing of your vulnerability with her – true feelings – with boundaries (if necessary) – because is the most powerful way to create REAL trust and connection!

      You are so right that the people in life who smashed our shaky boundaries are showing us not only our relationship with life, but most importantly the fundamental relationship with ourself. Do we love ourselves enough to be authentic even at the risk of disapproval, rejection or abandonment? Do we love ourselves enough to know we are unlimited and NO particular situation or person is the source of our wellbeing? Do we know that WE are the creator of our wellbeing and the attraction point of Who We Are Being?

      Are we prepared to stand up, claim our True Self and be authentic, or will we hide form that and continue to be smashed, and keep experiencing all the rejection and abandonment and other painful emotions that we were trying to hide from?

      That is great the deeper grief is coming up and out. Honour that, allow that, shift that out. Because when that gets released you will have all this space and available energy for the delicious and gorgeous emotions in life.

      Maybe that is why you are feeling a need to ‘hermit’ at the moment? If so that is appropriate until you release what needs to be. You have the tools, you are dedicated and it won’t take long.

      You’re doing wonderfully well Suzanne.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you so much Melanie. I had some tears in my eyes as I read what you wrote. I do feel like I still have some fear about standing fully in my truth.It feels so powerful and scary when I do it and I shock myself.I have been telling people exactly what I am feeling and thinking to get them off my back and they are actually responding positively in a way they never have before. I must be doing something different but do not know what. Maybe I have finally decided that what I think and feels matters and I am no longer going to tolerate anyone transgressing my boundaries or allowing them to treat me with disrespect! I think somehow this truth just erupts because I am no longer allowing myself to be abused. I see ‘red’ and then speak my truth and now I do not care about others’ reactions. My self-care is the most important thing of all and I am not abandoning myself and it does not matter if others go away. If they do, then they do not have the capacity to meet me as my real self. I am seeing my kinesiologist on Saturday and will talk more with her about this so that I can release more fear. I have needed time just on my own in my house to process all this stuff that keeps coming up and out; anything else has felt like a distraction from the grief and the pain. I am determined and am busy removing myself from people who are demanding that I be someone who I am not. I am also pleased to be able to say that although I still am a bit confused about the fantasy I created re my N ex-boyfriend, I am feeling powerful enough in myself to keep away and stay away. I am the source of nourishment and now when I am healed more, I want to discover what sort of life I can create for myself. At this point, I am just able to focus on living in the moment like Ekhart Tolle says and staying focussed on remaining present at all times. I was laying in bed last night longing to be held by someone aka my ex-boyfriend when I realised that I have the impression that he has that part of me. That is a hook! I understood at a deeper level that I can hold myself in the way that I need to be held because it is a cry from my inner child. So much that I am learning and so much that I have learned. I do hope that I won’t need to be a hermit forever. Perhaps it is because there has been so much healing to do.

        1. Suzanne,

          I can realy relate to feeling like a hermit. When my N went out of town for 5 days, I stayed in and wrote, napped and didn’t do anything social. I took long drives and just let myself “Be.” I appreciate you sharing that. It helped me to accept my own need for Hermit-ing. You will not be surprised to hear I keep pulling the Hermit card when I do Tarot Readings!

  18. What wonderful timing and wisdom Melanie. I just finished a book about where our security comes from which fits in with the “I’ll be happy when….” kind of thinking. I thought I had already dealt with that, but I have come to realize that I still have issues to work on,(seems like always the same ones) but each time it gets easier and easier. I am stronger each time and the lies and false voices get weaker. And when these issues come up, I don’t get as upset because of something I think should “be over with and fixed”. I see it as a time of perfecting and sanding areas in my soul that need a little more polish. To make me the “beautiful workmanship” I was always meant to be. And it is not as painful as before because I know the purpose and value of living in what is real and living out of a truth headed towards joy. I am not sure why I wrote this! I guess to share what I’m learning and express gratitude in knowing I don’t walk alone. We are mighty awesome women.

    1. Hi Teresa,

      that is great that the timing of this article resonated with you.

      Very true that society is ‘asleep’ and in the painful trap of ego.

      I love that quote ‘sanding areas in my soul that need a little more polish’.

      Truly Teresa, if we want to be the best we can, and create the best life for ourselves and others possible, we are never going to stop ‘sanding our soul’.

      I love that you wrote what you did – and truly those words ‘came through you’ – they came for the infinite wisdom of you which is so much greater than your personality or ‘mind’.

      Thank you for your lovely message. I agree, we are all totally glorious and deserving beings!

      Mel xo

  19. Good read about the ego, such a joy and good words to hear. 🙂

    When it comes to personal belief on the speed of time and all that; I used to believe there was a time shift coming and that a new golden world should take over for the old, more cluttered one.
    But I have realized that in my own case, it was a narcissistic twist of my mind; because truth is it was for me personally it happened: I was about to let go of my old life and my old identity and it was a horrendously painful phase, that brought me to the dawn of a new me, a much more honest and evolved me. I am still in the process, and I do not think it will ever end, and I believe that there can be several such egoic deaths thoughout a lifetime, for some. For others, maybe none- or they are simply so well brought up that development goes more smooth and effortless.
    It is always difficult to put words on the ego and all its twists and turns, and what makes sense at one point in life, does not make sense at another point. And still it was just as true both times, because it suited the situation and where and when that person was at at that exact time and place in life. It is wonderful to talk about ego, because for us that came out of balance once and it did get tough and dangerous for ourselves mentally and emotionally and even physically as well, it is very important to seek up the balance again. But it is also dangerous to talk about ego, have any of you ever heard the term “spiritual materialism”? I find it highly interesting, and very related to what Melanie have been writing about in regards to altruistic narcissism, and that in a degree describes all humans, because it is part of our nature.

    Book recommendation regards the theme of this blog post: “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism”, by Chogyam Trungpa.
    I read it last year in July, and reading it right now again, and where they use that term “spiritual materialism”. I find it very related to the theme in this blog post; about ego and consciousness, and the important emotional maturing and mastery.
    I love how buddhism cares so much for just these aspects of human health.

    Love your blog as always, Melanie. It always inspires me both to grow and to share! 🙂

    1. Hi NMSD,

      This time is massively about ‘letting go’ – and for many people that feels like a death. It takes incredible courage to let go of fearful survival programs which the ego has convinced us we need to cling on to in order to stay ‘safe’. (Which of course just keep dragging us back to the past and feeding the pain body more pain).

      For many people this is taking place as a ‘dark night of the soul’ – it is a surrender into ‘death of ego’ in order to be rebirthed free of it.

      Truly the rewards are incredible and so joyous, because every time we release parts of the pain body space opens up to fill up and accept authentic joy.

      It’s the resistance to this process which makes it drawn out and / or painful. Even crying and wailing out the pain can feel incredible when it is fully accepted and embraced.

      The alternative – hanging on and refusing to surrender simply means the everyday pain gets more and more and more..because the ‘old self’ in being rendered extinct.

      What is happening is that there will be no avoiding where the inner being is really at. Everything in life will reflect it back, and the subconscious is now coming up to the surface. So anything not aligned as True Self is going to get louder and louder. This is a passage into authenticity – and nothing else will suffice.

      I will check out the book – absolutely, and no I haven’t heard the term before.

      It sounds wonderful and very in-line. I love Osho’s brand of spirituality / physical living. I ADORE how he blends the two.

      Thank you so much NMSD for growing and sharing.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you! 🙂 Yes, I also believe that resistance creates a lot of frictional pain. And I used to believe that I was open minded, haha! 😀

        I do not think that Chogyam Trungpa had anything to do with Osho. Osho did create his very own branch of philosophy I guess, while Trungpa was Tibetan and a witholder of Tibetan buddhist tradition. 🙂 Not that I have studied them widely and deeply though. Back in the days on myspace I friended with an avid Osho follower who posted lots of Osho writings, and I loved it.

        Bless you! 🙂

        1. Osho was a narcissist. Watch Wild Wild Country and if you have any idea of the traits of narcissism, you will see them in him, especially when Sheela escapes him.

      2. Melanie, I liked the phrase “passage into authenticity.” Everyday as I go through the death throes and the dark-nights-of-the-soul that are coming at various intervals, I get another step forward and more and more emotional freedom. I am starting to see how I hold the keys to my own freedom and that I am not the victim…I am becoming the victor.

    2. Dear NMSD,

      I completely agree with you regarding the ego deaths (dark night of the soul). Only the ones who have allowed it and gone through it know the complete and utter despair that can go on and on for hours, days, weeks and even months (some saints had it for years even). For some, the transformation will happen once and for all (Eckhart Tolle is perfect example), while in other cases it will take several or many encounters. As fear of complete surrender (fear of unknown) is always there, overcoming the fear is the main task and if that does not happen 100%, ego will return again, claiming its kingdom. This is why you feel that you are in the process that will never end, your inner intelligence (or perhaps sabotaging ego) is taking piece by piece, scrutinizing and transforming (avoiding the true transformation). However, the head-on encounter must happen once, enabling you to surrender, and this is when transformation will be lasting, given you commit to inner work and finding the even lighter shades of light.

      While going through dark night of the soul, no philosophy, teaching, technique or thought can alleviate the pain and suffering. You feel unspeakable vicious powers running unleashed and fear is reaching culmination. Everything you have learned, found out, experienced is insignificant. Solitude is all-encompassing. No prayers, no mantras, no meditation…Only surrender will do…This is where I am at and I sense the certainty that I am not alone. May the whole universe assist all of us to go through this darkness into the light! Universe is already doing its part by sending people as Melanie to hold the torch along the road…

      Blessings and light to all!

  20. Thank you Melanie for once again restoring my hope for keeping up the healing. After 10 months no contact still feeling the push/pull occasionally. I recognize the empty void within and know nobody can fill it but myself. Often still catch myself blaming my family for all my circumstances. Thanks for reminding me again it starts with me.

    Love to everyone in the Community. Keep on keeping on.

    1. Hi Angela,

      you are so welcome.

      Really focus on letting go of those family wounds, and then your ego will not have the ammunition to hook you back into those powerless stories.

      YOU have the power…

      Thank you for your post and encouragement to everyone!

      Mel xo

  21. Mel, At first, when I read this stuff about changing the habit of being yourself I didn’t know what to think, but having so much anxiety and pain in my life I purchased all your freedom healing programs – so if anyone is reading this, Mel is spot on, I have worked hard on me finding me from the inside and now I’m slowly coming through the fog. The programs are great and worth every cent, get them and do the work, it will change your life for the better, no doubt.
    It was amazing that I have the book -A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and haven’t read it yet, but I will start it this morning.
    I have spread the word about people with this dreadful personality disorder, who don’t give a buggar who they destroy trying to fill themselves up. Very sad but there is going to be more of them with all these kids going into Childcare, without the good old mum staying home during this formative years of the child’s development. Good parenting needs to be developed in schools, to many young unmarried mothers, it frightens me.
    Good luck to everyone thank God we have this guardian angel in our Mel. Love and light, Jan

    1. Hi Jan,

      that is great that you took the leap to investigate, try and discover.

      Often we do when there is nothing else to do because we just can’t go on as the way we feel.

      That is awesome that you have the book – and that you are going to dive into that as well!

      I love it when people are so committed to growth that they take action!

      What you are saying is so true – that the culture, lifestyles and lack of emotional awareness is creating narcissism, and it DOES take place in the formative years – tragically.

      Much love to you Jan, and keep doing what you are doing!

      Mel xo

      1. Just read your post and thought I’d respond from the point of view of an Early Childhood Specialist. I teach young children to the age of 8 and fortunately for a lot of young children, they are receiving a good, solid developmental foundation in many early childhood environments. Unfortunately, although they receive this care, at the end of the day, these kids either go back to a daycare centre or back into dysfunctional homes. Many children do not receive a lot of input at home and this shows in their level of skills achievement in Kindergarten and into more formal schooling once they reach Year One. Many children’s inner selves are not allowed to flourish so negative feelings are not allowed to be expressed and worked with so that the children can process them, feel ok about themselves and find appropriate ways to become empowered and deal effectively with life situations. A lot of this is due to teachers’ inability to deal with emotions or lack of skill level to work with children’s feeling selves. Schools that have chaplains do have an advantage because the kids in these schools have the opportunity to share what is happening for them and to heal some feelings. What is even more scary is that a lot of kids do not have a lot of emotional resilience, and they suffer from anxiety at such early ages because of the focus on testing such as NAPLAN. Many parents confuse their situations with their children and see them as extensions of themselves and out of a misguided sense of caring for their children, overcompensate. This is destructive to the children. Sadly, the people who run the school system, have lost the plot and have made the curriculum more academic even for very young children. Principals have taken over the early childhood environments in their schools and insist that many changes that look good but are really destructive to young children, are implemented. Play has been sabotaged so we are now looking at an up and coming generation of children who are focussed on the ‘outer’ with little time to dream and simply enjoy being little children. I teach these children and have been able to run a play-based programme and keep it going. This is probably because all the other early childhood teachers in our school hold philosophies that support play and we are able to achieve the academic requirements as well. Sadly, the demands of the new Australian Curriculum are very challenging for young children and we do not have any choice other than to meet its demands. The other major and destructive change is that now specialist teachers take the children for several classes each week, either inside or outside the class. The children do not cope well with so many adults teaching them and their behaviour has degenerated this year and it is very noticeable. Some schools are even implementing a seamless programme whereby daycare centres are being set up within the school environment so that parents can leave their children from babyhood through the school years whilst they work.At least, reassuringly, there are still many, many committed teachers working with young children who give the children in their care, a very positive start. Overall though, I do not like the direction in which education and childrearing is heading.

  22. This is so fundamental and THE WAY to happiness and serenity. Infinite thanks Melanie. I beleive that starving the ego can be an overnight job, no matter how many years of abuse we endured, because what matters is not the past but the NOW.
    XXXX
    Jewel

    1. Hi Jewel,

      Absolutely in fundament it 100% can…

      Depending on people’s pain bodies it can be very hard to stay present, ignore ego and let ego burn itself out (dissipate)when it is screaming in the background!

      I have to admit that was very tough for me to hold that sort of presence (even though of course it is do-able)…hence why I preferred going to the pain directly and releasing it so that the scream dropped more and more to a dull roar and then barely a trickle!

      Mel xo

  23. Melanie,

    This is so wise and perfectly timed. I have begun to notice how much MY behavior is narcissistic, how self-centered and oblivious my pain makes me. Also, my mother who was married to a severe narcissist eventually did a lot of narcissistic damage, though she is too kind and empathic to be a narcissist. So, this article truly helped me to understand. I value your ability to articulate subtle and insidious emotional states. Truly, this journey is getting to be the ride of a lifetime! I am experiencing more and more freedom.

    I want to ask you to address an issue that I know pertains to many of us in the community. Due to financial contraints, I am currently unable to leave the narcissist I have been living with for 3 years. I began to realize I was dealing with narcissism about 9 months ago after yet another lie about yet another woman. My gradual ascent from that terrible pain has been nothing short of miraculous. I value this forum so much.

    Here is the request: due to living with him, I can’t do No Contact but I have been noticing I can participate in a mindset that is akin to No Contact. For instance, he uses long delays in texting, longer to no responses to my phone calls, and the general ability he has to withhold and ignore all requests as a painful game, a very painful no-win game for me. I have made rules for myself:

    1. No texting (modified No Contact)
    2. No calls or reaching across
    3. Respond briefly. Expect withholding & powertrips
    4. Everyone is more important that you: stay busy
    5. You are being starved out. He wants you to go. Expect no attention, compliments or responses
    6. DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. Detach
    7. You can’t trust him so don’t
    8. Confide in no one. “We are fine.”
    9. Work on you, Heal hurts as they come up
    10. This is an act of endurance and faith
    11. Be strong and become stronger
    12. Surrender to the lesson: you WILL be free

    Number is 7 is because we live in a tiny town and a confidence of mine went back to him so now he knows I am planning to leave. This does not count for distant people who support me. Including you guys!

    1. Hi Laura,

      I am glad the article spoke to you.

      Yes, that is a great list and thank you so much for providing it. For people who do need to stay until they can get organised – it is VITAL to detach emotionally – which is what you are realising and implementing.

      Narcissist prey on you emotionally, by hurting your emotions – and once you remove that possibility they cease to have power over you. Attacking your emotions is their greatest weapon.

      Thank you so much for your share, and please keep us all updated in your progress towards leaving, and know the community is here to support you.

      Mel xo

    2. Dear anon,

      I checked back to see if anyone found my list useful and I found your post. I am having a hard/scared day as I told my narc on Sunday it was over. I’ve been reading my list every morning when I come to work. Thank you so much for your loving words. I need them today.

      And I will move as soon as I can!!!

      1. Hey Laura

        its a tuff road, but one so worthy. stay on your chosen track and know we are here travelling through this journey with you. stay safe too. this story of my life continues to unfold and thank fully Mel has a gift of pure understanding and compassion. while some of us move on and through the pain and away from the critical bonds that those silly pep tides keep us so desperately seeking another hit of abuse… Mel keeps the light pouring in.

        Have you been able to add more to your list?

        endurance and love to you x

  24. This is a very powerful and broad explanation of how my therapist put it to me during counselling a few years ago. She said that if I am not going to happy now that I do not have that stylish wardrobe of clothes or more money, then chances are that I wont be even if I do attain it.

  25. this website of your’s provides really helpful and valuable facts about narcissist, which help me immensely.

    I married in 2008. My wife has an pre-marriage affair which I did not know during my marriage. In 2008 she informed that she had an affair. I told her, I have no problem if she is committed to me from the date of our marriage. But she remain in touch with her from the beginning, which I know only in last part of 2012. I know she is narsissist from her various types of behaviour. after doing so much nasty thing in this civilized world, earlier I could not understand why she still want to live with me, even if she does not love me, and she also donot think my feelings towards her is love not earlier also not now. She only think she truly loved that 3rd person and he also loved her truly.

    But now I understand the main cause of this problem is her narcissist mindset of her. By which she always thinks her thinking of love or anything is the correct view. Even if I pleaded many time to her to amicably be part ways. but she applies tricks n hooks as I truly connected with her for 5years and till now succeeded to spoil my life. Sometime I think by leaving her I will justice to my personality and my self. but due to her hook sometimes I am thinking I will be alone and miserable, so till date I am still waiting to see the change in her heart, which somehow I know I will never see. I am helpless. But by your site I understand many facts about narcissist personality which is very helpful.

    Thank u

  26. I go through moments where I doubt he is a narcissist and than reality strikes. He says we should be close friends and I try but I also try to keep space . I have kids with him and understand the damage he has created in them. I believe he’s a covert narcissist.quite sneaky so I find myself staying close to understand what’s happening to my kids at his home. How do I co-parent and save my kids and myself …what’s right to teach the kids ..should they respect him? Does therapy ever stop for the kids …

    These narcs seem to consume life even when your divorced

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