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When we discover essential truths about narcissists, and realise that the narcissist is not capable of genuine love, it’s gut-wrenching. The intense salt in the wounds is the understanding that he or she doesn’t love us now, and never did so.

We may experience this in many different forms. Maybe this person who once vowed and declared we are their soul mate, that they truly love us, and they can’t live without us has moved on to another relationship without even a second glance. And maybe this person is attempting to discredit and destroy us, and is trying to rip us apart in property and custody battles.

These behaviours are clearly the very opposite of what love should be.

Of course this feels personal, and the narcissist’s tactics bring on every insecurity and fear that we may have had about ourselves, namely I am not lovable and not worthy of being loved.

Virtually every individual who has sustained a relationship with a narcissist loved this person, and kept loving until it hurt – horrifically. We can agonise about the injustice of handing over so much of our love and support for months, years or decades to come to the horrific realisation that all of this loving and giving amounted to nothing, and was never genuinely reciprocated by the very person who was meant to love us.

In all of the people that I work with, and within my own narcissistic abuse experience, this situation proves to be one of the hardest to get past, and to come to terms with. We feel emotionally annihilated by this insane betrayal of what we thought our love with this person was.

As human beings with a conscience, compassion and love to give, it feels unthinkable that another person is incapable of loving, or that they can profess love one minute, and do the exact opposite the next.

This insane version of love greatly disturbs our logic and destroys our emotions, because ‘love’ is the very essence of why we want to be in a relationship, connect and share our lives with another person. Loving and the being able to share love is as natural a desire for us as it is to breathe air.

When we look at our version of love we have no ability to fathom, let alone accept, why the narcissist did not reciprocate love genuinely.

 

Understanding Why the Narcissist is Incapable of Love

In order to come to terms with The Narcissist Never Loved You, you must understand why he or she acts the way narcissists do.

  • The narcissist does not operate as what we know is a ‘normal’ human being.
  • The narcissist has no desire to allow love, teamwork and co-operation into his or her life.
  • The narcissist believes he or she has to remain ‘separate’ in order to survive.
  • The narcissist needs to dump his or her internal torment onto an intimate partner and make the other person at fault in order to try to relieve his or her tormented inner self.
  • The narcissist needs to steal energy (‘narcissistic supply’) in order to attempt to fill their own pain of inner emptiness.
  • The narcissist, due to internal emptiness needs to take energy, and doesn’t have the resources to give energy once having secured much needed supply.
  • The narcissist through damaging a person close to them, experiences the omnipotent high of feeling significant enough to affect another person in this manner.
  • The narcissist cannot genuinely feel love, but knows how to feign it in order to secure attention and significance.
  • Narcissists know that intimate people in their life, who are hooked, are the best targets to harvest as well as release internal anger, and that these people will hang around whilst it takes place.

From our own moral compass, these things seem horrific and unspeakable. The following information may be confrontation, but the reason I am expressing what I am about to say is because it will help you understand what narcissism is…

If we are all honest with ourselves – we know that the times when we feel empty, worthless, scared and insecure that we may have acted in manipulative ways, and even hurt other people in order to try and feel better within ourselves.

Whether or not we were children or adults, we know our capacity to be immature and nasty. If we live our life through a lens of fear and victimised feelings, we feel separate, unworthy and unlovable, and may act narcissistically when seeing other people as the enemy.

Hopefully these times are momentary, and because we have a conscience we often regret what we have done – and apologise and take responsibility. If we apply self-realisation, we realise that these tactics of fear, separation and egoic defence mechanisms do not procure healthy results, and accordingly we decide to grow up.

Can you imagine what it would be like if you were stuck in this programming with no way out? This is exactly the reality for the narcissist who has such an over-developed, fearful and aggressive ego and such a damaged, stunted and numb sense of connection, union and trust, that the narcissist simply cannot operate in any other way. If he or she momentarily does, as soon as self-loathing and fear re-surfaces (which are the narcissist’s powerful inner drivers) the old compulsions kick straight back into gear and constantly reassert.

Quite simply the narcissist can’t and doesn’t grow up.

You would have experienced this many times. Just when you think the narcissist gets it, takes responsibility for the poor behaviour and professes to change, My Hyde appears again, and you’re going back through the same abusive, non-sensical and mind-bending patterns. You continually feel like you are battling with an irrational 5 year old.

If you are really honest with yourself – you know that this is not what ‘love’ is meant to be.

The truth of the matter is: the narcissist is incapable of love, because the narcissist is incapable of loving and accepting his or her self. The enemy within becomes the enemy without – and everyone is the enemy because of this self-loathing – and as the intimate partner, this most definitely means you are the closest target on this list.

The first step in gaining relief from the torment of realising He or she never loved me, is the acceptance of the truth that a narcissist does what a narcissist does, because they are a narcissist.

The Truth will always set you free…

 

Your Soul Truth

(Feel into this…)

When we resist The Truth, our healing process cannot begin, because we try to change ‘what is’ into a version of ‘what we want it to be’. ‘What is’ simply is – and denial means our emotions and life will keep beating us up until we accept the truth. Delusion, denial and non-acceptance are resistance which creates our self-disintegration, because we can never come to peace with our life in the now.

When we accept The Truth we finally start to set ourselves free, take back our power and incorporate a version of ‘love’ that is going to work.

One thing is for certain, you can’t make a narcissist love you, and in fact you can’t make anyone love you, you can only learn how to love yourself, and then people who are capable of genuine love will gravitate towards you.

Like so many others I used to seek myself through others. I had numerous partners, even before the narcissist, whereby I only felt loved if they were loving me. I didn’t know how to have an authentic sense of love for myself. As a result I would try to make people who didn’t have the resources love me, and stayed attached to them in this futile exercise.

When I realised The Truth, which all along was: This had always been about learning to Love Myself, everything shifted.

No longer was I attracted to unavailable, addiction prone or narcissistic individuals. THEN healthy people that showed me genuine love became my reality.

I explain in detail how you can make this change in my eBook How to Recognise and Heal Co-dependency.

(Please note this eBook is included in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program)

Additionally, you will learn how to reject people that don’t love you, rather than believing and feeling that it is you that is being rejected.

In order to get real love you must understand:

  • It isn’t anyone else’s job to supply you with ‘love’, it’s your job.
  • Your loveableness does not rely on any specific person’s level of love or non-love.
  • When you don’t love and back yourself, you will rationalise away the warning signs, the pain and the abuse, and try to make an abusive person love you in order to feel whole.
  • You haven’t previous to, and during this abuse, felt ‘enough’ or ‘lovable’ unless someone else was granting you love, and you felt rejected and unlovable when they weren’t.

 

Coming Home to Loving You

The Laws of Life and Energetic Reality is an absolute force and the foundation of all reality you experience. This system is undeniable, and can’t be shortcut.Your experience in life will only ever supply and provide you with what it is that you are supplying yourself.

The ‘gap’ that the narcissist was able to operate through is: You hadn’t yet learnt healthy boundaries, how to love and respect yourself fully, or how to let go of the ‘dream’ that someone else was going to provide your love and safety and inner fullness for you.

All of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse wanted to feel whole, safe, lovable and ‘enough’ as a result of another person confirming this for us. The truth is, we hadn’t as yet confirmed these essential ‘self commodities’ within ourself. We hadn’t realised the absolute need to genuinely love, respect and back ourselves in order to receive more of that from others.

The realisation ‘he or she never loved me’ is pointing us to the place of authenticity, and the way home to the love we really want to create in our life. The crippling pain (which is arguably like no other) has brought on the necessity to understand what we need to establish within ourselves.

When you do the work on this, you will know that it is irrelevant that the narcissist isn’t capable of love, in fact that is the narcissist’s issue and curse in life to bear (the inability to know, participate in and share genuine love), whereas you do have this ability, and you (unlike the narcissist) can turn your love experience around.

This is not about the narcissist – this was always about you. The narcissist was simply a catalyst showing you the truth.

When you do the work on your inner, a person who is incapable of love will not be your reality. You will no longer agonise over the ‘what if’s’, ‘should have beens’, and the wasted years of your effort and love, and you will come home to yourself genuinely and create genuine love in your life.

Your healing is the need to let go of the need to gain yourself through love from the narcissist, and fully commit to the journey of loving yourself.

You are capable of creating real love from within, and this is the only place that manifests it genuinely from others. That is the life you deserve.

Once accepting and being at peace with ‘the narcissist didn’t love me’, you have the golden opportunity to claim the gift of giving you back to loving yourself.

Those of you that have come to terms that the narcissist never loved you, please share your stories and insight into how you overcame this hurdle.

It will help and inspire many to do the same.

Remember, you can always remain anonymous.

 

 

 

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85 thoughts on ““The Narcissist Didn’t Love Me!” Coming To Terms With This Agony

  1. Oct. 1, 2011
    The man I have been in a 14 month relationship -competing for his Love, and found out lst Friday that there is another woman he added into our mix 5 months ago….
    HE just THIS WEEKEND/TODAY MOVED INTO HOUSE ON MY STREET, ABOUT 7 HOUSES DOWN.
    (Now there are 3 main women involved).

    I started NC last June, but we are both so addicted to each other that we broke it and resumed. He works out of town, we talk twice per day…and get together a few times when he is in town… But he started this type of relationship with another woman last April.. who thought they were having a one-on-one relationship – Now she knows about me, and his primary woman.

    I am focusing back into my own life, new hobbies and friends, however, I AM IN SHOCK THAT HE WILL NOW BE JUST DOWN THE STREET (his adult daughter lives there with him). He will be in town every two months or so.

    Days ago he was calling ME a stalker – which I am not, and I have never stalked him. He is trying to discredit me and make me seem like a crazy person. Then he MOVES within houses of ME? Wow. Any support from you good people? Thanks.
    Is this to control me & to torment me? Or does he have some motive to keep me as ‘Supply’?….

    1. Omg – mine is now living 120 metres away from me. Is this to torture me for wanting to stop seeing him . How am i supposed to do this now. My life sucks. He knows where i jog on the beach and conveniently was laying right where i go with a half naked girl ontop of him . What sirt of low life scum are these men. Majes me sick to my stomach that now everyday i have to see this sociopath . Yuk majes me want to vomit daily …

    2. This is very unfortunate. A narcissistic person will always make u seem as if u crazy to hide the brutal truth. I’m going thru withdrawal from my abuser but know I need to stay away, but be happy that u didn’t marry them like I married mine. Leave now! Easier said then done right? It’s only causing more damage in the long run.

  2. He sure needs to project his blame and faults onto you. It seems that he may want you to be jealous, which is clearly his problem and does not need to be your problem. I think you might have to condition yourself to laugh at his totally pathetic ways. I know for you it has been anything but a laughing matter. Just watch his current relationship crumble, but I guess this would happen quickly enough to give you the satisfaction you deserve.

  3. Sorry, last sentence should read “I guess this would NOT happen quickly enough to give you the satisfaction you deserve.

  4. Hi Angelface. This man sounds like he has so many needs that he is using so many other people to fill. Take a stand – cut off from his phone calls… dont ‘wait’ 2 months to see him, spend 2 months healing and by the time he comes back into town you will be able to hold your boundaries – even if he lives a few houses away…. arrange to be out and about most of the time he is there, until he goes out of town again – it will do your social life wonders… then when he’s gone, go home and and do more intense healing.. you will get there – Trust me – I did, but NO CONTACT was the only way…Go Girl!!

  5. Oh, by the way – his adult daughter that lives with him is likely to be just as narcissistic, or one of his victims that he uses to manipulate others – so be pleasant if you see her on the street, but NO CONTACT extends to her too….

  6. The ways I have overcome the hurdle of the Narcissist not loving me…At first it hurt beyond words…but after awhile of desperately trying to find peace in my life I tried something new that I had read from one of Mel’s articles…Forgiveness…I had to forgive myself for not loving myself, and forgive the Narcissist. It has been my experience that forgiveness truely moved me out of the pain. If you are having trouble forgiving then try removing yourself from being the victom first. You will find that you will begin to realize that this did happen for a reason. I did this work on my own, but I know and truely beleive that Melanie could of helped me get here sooner if I tried the healing sessions. You don’t need a miracle or good luck to get through this…you need self love, patience, and honesty. Take care 🙂

  7. The realization that I was married to a narcissist, took me 40 years to discover. There were many situations that I encountered over the years that I found very difficult to understand; his irrational thought patterns, non ability to be able to adjust to changes in arrangements without a disruptive outburst,accusations against me of being able to communicate to others better than to him,esp. to other men who were family friends, illogical discussion, and very violent & abusive behaviour to two of our children which finally translated to me in the last 15 years of our marriage. We were professing christian family, so I continued on praying & trusting his behaviour was only lack of self control& that he would overcome it at the end. Finally, thanks to my daughter’s intervention I finally made the move & left home & the past months have revealed to me what has been the problem .
    Yes, it is a very hard thing to comes to terms with that the man you gave your ALL to , really has not the capacity to love & feel the “normal” emotions that most do.The way I am seeking to overcome is by realizing that there go I , but for the grace of God. It must be a horrible bondage to be bound up in this inner conflict that the Narcissist lives with , daily. I am FREE now to love ALL without FEAR of offending my N husband. I am finding the healing process slow, but I believe it will be a sure work done on the inside & give me an empathy that I can assist others who will come across my path in need.
    I give THANKS daily for a wonderful Heavenly Father who cares & shows me His protection in so many way since I have had to leave my home.
    Forgiveness is a BIG part of the healing process, I have found. Praying for him is also helpful; because you realize he is a prisoner to Narcissism.
    Many thanks for your helpful insights. Blessings to all who are walking this pathway. Forgive , Love , & give thanks for the years , as in my case, that you were able to give something to the Narcissist , he too is a person with needs.

    1. Denise,
      i share in the same scenario to a T! i left after 12 years of marriage. what i find is so difficult is that even after being apart now for 3 years, i still agonize over what i thought was real and what really was. i get very emotional and feel foolish as i feel like i wasted so many years of my life with this man. he got engaged immediately after a bitter, knock down, dragged out divorce and moved her into our home. it is like i never existed. my daughter feels strange as well when she spends time there. he is also on drugs and his family uses drugs. overall, my biggest struggle is having support from those who realize what this is! everyone tires from the fact that i am still struggling and hurt. no one really understands how this disorder totally turns you upside down and messes with your reality. everything now is reviewed in my mind and i get very upset and confused as to what was geniune? What was real about any of it? To forgive is very hard for me. he was so abusive, so cruel and so destructive when i left. i know he doesn’t know what he has. i told his new women and she, as i expected, thinks i am nuts. it is like you want to scream to the world and reveal him as a narcissist to everyone and no one wants to deal with it. His own family puts a bandaid on him as he takes one step forward and ten back everytime he acts badly. i am grateful that God gave me the strength to endure this and get out, however, now the work begins on loving myself. What is so insidious is that this condition can mask itself into so many other things that you don’t realize what is going on until major damage is done. I always thought it was due to a head injury he had in his late teenage years or his drug problem. i never would have seen it until i left him and that was many years into our marriage and bc of my daughter. i didn’t want her to hear and see his abuse and he was starting to expose her. that was my motivation to move out and intervene. during that time, i went to a therapist who pointed out that he believed he was a narcissist. i didn’t even know what it meant. i tried sharing this with him, his family, my friends. no one seems to understand it unless they went through it.

      1. Maria,
        Rather than forgiveness, think of it as divesting from your commitment to this person, and divesting from his perception of you, and divesting from all of the pain that surrounds it. I find it a much more empowering word which contains within it a sense of forward motion and protection of self by not investing in an unhealthy person or habit any more. Of course my post is far too late for your original post, but maybe someone passing through might get some help from it.

        1. I knew the way my husband acted was strange…he could do everything better than anyone else, he never said he was sorry because he never did anything wrong ever. He held grudges way too long. I just didn’t realize the way he acted had a name. He came home one night and announced “I don’t love you anymore and it’s all your fault and I’m leaving.” And he did. Of course it didn’t stop there. He came by often to tell me how much he didn’t love me anymore. My head was spinning and my heart was broken. It’s my guess now that he was getting better supply from female bar tenders or bar flies. I just happened to look up alcohol and narcissistic behavior…wow, that was an eye opener. It hurt even more that he never loved me. All those years and I had been duped and it was all a scam…wow! How did I get over it? I cried, I mourned and then I got mad. I went no contact which gave me time to clear my head. And now I look at him and feel sorry for him that he will never know love. He still comes around and now tells me he still loves me. But, guess what? He can’t have me back.

          1. My “life partner” of almost 8 years got out of bed on 02/13/2016 at 7:45 AM, and, without warning announced ” I have decided to move out, I am leaving today, some friends in the Bay area are going to let me stay with them… I will need to use the van ( my van..)
            I was on such shock , I let him take my car, which he brought back a month later with two new dents ( he crashed this auto for the 5th time, 4 times he dented my other car…)
            It is only after being away and having almost no contact with him the last few weeks and having started counseling, have I confirmed what I had long suspected, that he is a narcissist , and emotional manipulator and quite the loser. I, a woman with a doctoral degree and a six figure income as well as a musical career, let a high school drop out with a part time job at Trader Joes make me believe there is something wrong with me because I was angry that he only cared about himself, but did NOTHING to improve his life in years he lived with me… I lived in daily ear that he would leave me… Well, I am not afraid anymore… I am FREE!!

    2. I currently am stunned by discovering that my spouse of 40 years is a life long narcissist that was never able to love anyone else because he never loved himself. IThe recognition of what was going on here makes me want to pass out in pain and grief

  8. I know first-hand how important it is to heal from N abuse. I have several narcissists in my family, my mother, one sister, one brother, and one brother-in-law. My life was tormented by these individuals throughout my life. I instinctively knew something was wrong w/ these individuals, esp my mother, from a very young age. Never underestimate your intuition-it’s your truth searching for your full attention! When I began college, I was drawn to psychology, and pursued my doctorate in the subject. The N’s in my life always ridiculed me for my studies, and it took some time to fully understand why. I also moved thousands of miles away to separate myself from this unhealthy family dynamic-and my independence & healthy love for myself has always enraged them…they still attempt to punish me to this day…as I was a large source of N supply, esp b/c I tried to help them for yrs.

    1. I have a father who is narcissistic and I think my mom is also I dont see my dad at all cut all Costa t with him. My dad to ridiculed me as a teenager when I didnt pass exams at school. And my mom tries to bring me down at times sometimes shes okay other times not. So I can so relate to your story dragonfly. I hope you are happy now and in a much better place. ❤

  9. Once my own therapist helped me realize that a complete separation was needed to bring healthy love into my life, I discovered friends and others who respect me and accept me. It was extremely painful to realize the extent of the abuse & that providing emotional support to N’s (even w/ my skill levels & experience) was detrimental to me, b/c there are numerous ways that N’s blame those trying to help. The separation was a grieving period for me, as I felt doubly punished for ‘being a good person’, for ‘knowing the truth’ and for being a professional in psychology. I sought out additional healing with my yoga & meditation practice. Now that I know how to live & love for me (versus for others), my life is full of joy & good company. I am now capable of spotting N’s in every aspect of my life, including work situations, recreational activities, and personal relationships. I know how to remain flexible in all situations, to discover people who are healthy, and to never blame myself for narcissistic behaviors of others. I’ve learned to be patient with myself if I’m ever in a situation w/ N’s, so that I can think about the best choices & options for myself, versus getting pulled into their game of manipulation. N’s are attracted to self actualized individuals, and I’ve learned to own my power & self love w/o allowing the N’s ‘vampire tendencies’ to feed off of me. I accept why they gravitate towards my self love energy & my genuine fairness towards others. I believe they need and are hungry for role models, and I believe it comes from an unconscious drive to know their own healthy self love. I suggest owning the fact that by loving ourselves & healing ourselves we do affect N’s in positive unconscious ways. Their awareness is impacted by our healing and role modeling, especially when it comes to setting healthy boundaries. I can now celebrate the mirror I play for many N’s in need of their own healing. I am happy to be the positive perspective of the reflection, and I am proud of myself for learning that a N is not ‘my negative reflection’ of myself–that I can be free of such hatred and pain. I found that I can tolerate being around various N’s without being disappointed in their issues. I fully accept these ‘children’ as needing to learn from others, and it helps me add to my own appreciation for all living things, as well as helping me see more about the meaning of life. I wish that everyone taking part in their own healing realize that although it may take years or decades, it is worth all of the work and time it takes to become empowered. I’m grateful for these lessons in love.

    1. I pray my healing will not be years. Im glad i found this website it has great info. The info is giving me hope to be free of my N forever

  10. THE BLESSINGS OF TRAGEDY
    by Lyn Nielsen

    This tragedy I deal, it seems more than I should bear
    The unrelenting anger, bitterness, lies, and then the denial of it all,
    It seems to me, I’ve gotten more than my share.
    Repentance! would take this all away.
    But, the pride of self for the narcisst, is devil strong the pro’s say.
    A word for those who don’t believe this, and say this its not possible.
    Gods principles in the Bible are true,
    If you refuse to love the truth, God will delude you!

    So what about me? The reciever of this abuse.
    Maybe I just deserve it, maybe there’s just no excuse.
    I’m thankful I’ve learned to set some boundaries,
    Yet still be able to bend.
    cause on and on and on it goes ,
    there seems to be no end.
    Maybe its so I know what suffering is, so to understand Jesus on the cross.
    Maybe I really needed to, suffer a great loss.
    Well its, been a blessing!
    It was good to be helpless, needy, and sad,
    I needed this to discover my own blindness,
    so this tradgedy of lies hasn’t been all bad.
    This discovery of God, overwhelmed me!
    And then He absorbed me and everything I called mine.
    And for the first time I knew Him
    When I sought the God of all time

  11. Bless you Denise for your lovely comments about the Wonderful Heavenly Father who cares so much for us and being directed into the ways of forgiveness and giving thanks in all things. You have had it so very tough and it is so refreshing to see that you have not been embittered by these experiences. I suppose we should believe that prayer can free a person bound by this horrid condition. Do you have any thoughts on this? {I am not implying that any person should allow themselves to allow themselves again to be subjected to the oppression from the Narcissist}.

  12. The first N in my life is my Mom: sadistic, manipulative, deceitful, destructive, … In the beginning of her abuse, I was so sad and confused thinking I must be very bad for my Mom not to love me. But as time went on, I realized it’s not my problem but her jealousy. She hates it when I have a job. In her mind, I should have been begging for food, and slaving for her and my siblings just because I am disabled. Sometimes she even gets embarrassed to tell me, “other sisters would sell their bodies to support their younger siblings but you keep going to school!!” She desperately tries to put me down, pushes me out of her house just to torment me, sets traps to destroy me and cusses me, talks bad about me behind my back and right into my face. Over the years, she is also learning that her brutality keeps her away from me, her caregiver. So now she’s nicer but meaner. I also observe that N ppl are just like mad bulls that keep hitting their horns against something or somebody even this action may be detrimental to them. My lovely sister-in-law is also an N who wouldn’t miss any chance to destroy her own husband even though he is her only provider. These ppl are dangerous for themselves and others and they blame others for everything even though other ppl went out of their ways to help them out. I am thankful to learn NO CONTACT as the only way to stay safe.

  13. Thank you everyone for your wonderful contributions, inspirations and assistance to each other!

    Angelface, your situation is indeed precarious, and in you are in the ‘danger period’. Absolutely ‘other women’ is not acceptable as you well know. To have a healthy and safe relationship three ingredients are essential

    1) Commitment
    2) Exclusivity and
    3) Respect

    Without these commodities there is no foundation for a relationship, and thus no ‘relationship’.

    Please know that it is very normal to feel addicted to a narcissist, and one of the most powerful traps of narcissistic abuse ( I write about this in great detail in my eBook https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowered-self/ebook-narcissism.htm ) It is also very normal for a narcissist to be ‘addicted’ to you, because a narcissist is after narcissistic supply and will keep trying to obtain it if there is any way to receive it. This can be misconstrued as being’romantic’ and about ‘loving attention’, but I promise you it’s not. This in no way means that you aren’t lovable and don’t deserve true love – it just means that in this case if a narcissist can stay attached to you – he always will, if he thinks there is supply to gain.

    I can imagine that it is awful that he is moving in just down the street from you – however nothing ever happens in our experience that is not calling us to a higher version of ourself – and this one is certainly ‘in your face’.

    This situation is pushing you to become empowered, and to disconnect and heal to the level where he becomes Not Your Reality.

    To understand more about this necessity, and how to do this, you may wish to listen to a radio show that I posted today that is all about this http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2011/10/02/interview-with-individuals-regarding-implemented-boundaries

    Yes, I am not suprising that he is calling you a stalker. Narcissists discredit you whilst in the relationship with you, and when you leave the relationship. It’s just what they do.

    Again this is another powerful signpost to heal yourself to the level of knowing ‘It’s not importnat what other people think about me, it’s important what I THINK ABOUT ME’, and then the lies, the injustices and all else fall away..absolutely and without exception. Yes, absolutely narcissitis do this to keep extracting supply, and he doesn’t even have to hear from you or see you to receive it.

    Everytime you think about this, obsess about this or agonise about this he is in fact sucking your energy. When you disconnect, heal yourself and this becomes Not Your Reality, then the narcissit will have to gain supply from other people who are not fully in their True Self, and you will break free and then align yourself with your empowerment and creating true love.

    That is the healing evolution of narcissitic abuse, and the gift. When you get to that level you will never have to go through anything like this again – your graduation will have been acheived, because you would have healed the parts of you that have become a target for this.

    Then real love of self, life and intimate partners begins.

    1. Dear Melanie,

      You used the frase “Not your Reality” in your letter. I latched onto it and gave me great relief, because of the following:

      All the things i felt, the humiliation, hurt, grief, not enough, not good enough, and total helplessness, were never part of my reality. It was enforced upon my reality by my x. All this helped me much, but i still found myself defending him in my head for some obscure reason – and couldn’t get past this “wanting to give him some credit for the nice person he was in the beginning and all the good things i saw in him, and the sharing of my soul with him – and him emphasising that this soul connection could never be broken.”

      Then i realised something else. This wonderfully beautiful reality, which i had treasured all along, and against which i measured all his faults – and found them insignificant against this greatness, was also NOT my reality. It was planted there by him with a purpose – to make light of all his abuse.

      I realised that i also had to get rid of this reality. That not just the bad realities that were embedded in my soul were his realities, but also a very beautiful reality that was never realy mine.

      I also realised that the betrayal that i felt, was based on this ONE beautiful reality that he planted in my soul. “We were soulmates.” It happened to be a lie. A false reality given to me by him. Not mine.

      And when i discarded it, i was left with ….
      REALITY. MY reality. Who i am, what i want, what i like…. and felt new again.

      Thank you for making all this powerful information available to the crushed souls – of whom i was one.

      1. Connie … Melanie … what can I say.

        I was JUST introduced to this work, this site, this terminology, last night … and I have been nodding my head with my eyes popping out again, and again, and again. What a blessing — a great enormous relief of a blessing! — to discover the psychology behind the abuse I lived with for four years! I was the victim of narcissistic abuse from a man suffering with what I am learning here is a TEXTBOOK case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

        Seventy days of hospitalization, two years of psychiatry and psychology, weekly or more often … and this is the first greatest breakthrough I have made in my personal journey of healing as a relationship addict. I simply can NOT thank you enough for this information Melanie.

        Connie, indeed, your words REALLY resonated with me, as my N also embedded into my story a reality of his design — he would WEEP with the pain of knowing me through many previous lifetimes in which I always left him. He would describe the texture and colour of fabric of the clothing we were wearing in said previous lifetime experiences with a vividness and conviction that was award-winning romantic. The pain of the previous lifetime experiences in which I abandoned him justified his unwillingness to commit to me in this one, but the obvious soulmate connection, (his implanted reality, NOT MINE) kept us enmeshed together as surely as we were chained together.

        For four years I was stuck in the most romantic, unfulfilling, tormenting uncommitted chains tied to a man who abused me so frequently and vehemently I lost all sense of my own self such that I planned, prepared and fantasized about suicide pretty much daily for over two years.

        I am so grateful. Actually, grateful doesn’t begin to touch the depth of my relief and gratification to be encountering this life saving terminology, insight, psychology and healing at this critical juncture on my path.

        Thank you. THANK you. THANK YOU.

      2. YES, I finally got to the point where I was like, “This isn’t my life!”. It never WAS, it’s like the best illusion ever when you experienced the sensation of being in it until you get vertigo then the illusory pleasure is actually real life pain and even torture. My addressing the truth that this person felt good seeing my real tears, even purposely triggering them to gain that pleasure. I withdrew and withdrew and withdrew from him while he THOUGHT he was In the pole position; I used him to get over him WHILE I was WITH him. Then when I truly started not to give two flying f***ks, body getting right from squats, bringing in the empty bags from Steak N Shake, Burger King, wherever I caught the notion to eat on my way home from work, putting dude on straight NOISE CANCELLATION then came the PHYSICAL fights, which I’ll go for a row. He retreats FAST when you brandish a jitsu knife with intentions to slice his pretty little face; considering that’s his ONLY asset. Needless, IDK why I’m even upset over the exit; I need to be praising myself for keeping my sanity and my goodness intact. As for HIM, he’s actually looking weathered and roughed. He’s a damn shame excuse in the way of my self forgiveness. I’m SOLID, he’s evaporation.

  14. Dragonfly,

    It is great that you have moved away and disconnected. Please know they cannot punish you if you don’t allow it!

    Create powerful boundaries, and know what you will accept and what you won’t and don’t participate on any level if the boundary is crossed.

    Once learning about boundaries and becoming clear I dealt with a persecuting narc family member, that would always criticise, demean and persecute me when any contact occurred.

    Previously I would become upset, I would argue, try to defend myself, and try to change this person’s opinion of me (this is when I was still seeking approval outside of myself). Of course this was hooking in to the abuse and offering A-Grade narcissitic supply. This dynamic had been taking place for decades.

    When I became empowered I knew that this was no longer a reality that I would play into or tolerate, and as the guardian of my own vibration it was my responsibility to look after it and set boundaries.

    As a result I stated to this individual that if any interacion with them led me to feeling uncomfortable and persecuted that I would hang up the phone or leave.Of course they didn’t like that – but it was never about them ‘getting it’, it was about me ‘getting it’!

    I was true to my word, and if persecution occurred, I would state, I’m going now, calmly and clearly and take myself away from it, and then just get on with my life and what I wanted to do, without obsessing, feeling guilty or worrying about their reaction. That stuff (persecution) was just no longer my reality!

    After only two months this narc started acting respectfully in my space and started directing the presecutions elsewhere.

    Obviously I don’t have to live with this person 24/ 7 which would be potentially unbearable (and why would I when I can choose to live with helathy individuals), but I can now have minimal contact in family settings very comfortably without any angst whatsoever, and totally be free to be myself…

    I hope this helps!

  15. Hi Lyn,

    that is beautiful what you wrote, and thank you so much for sharing!

    Please know Lyn, the reason that you went through this was not to know suffering, it was to know your own liberation…and unfortunately as humans we often discover that as a result of suffering.

    Narcissitic abuse is truly one of, if not the most, powerful ‘breakdown’ experiences that we can have. Yet it leads us to our most powerful ‘breakthrough’.

    The breakthrough is to clean up every ‘less than’ thought and belief we ever had about ourselves, which always includes the need to seek outside approval, the beliefs that we weren’t ‘enough’, and the beliefs that we are limited beings unworthy of being the expansive True Self that we truly are.

    The narcissist reflects back to us every false belief we had about ourselves, and was able to operate in our space because we were not truly connected to the Source of love, creation and self (God / Source Energy) and we did not know that we ARE this energy.

    Narcissitic abuse is a make or break deal. We either come home to the Truth, which can be performed powerfully and quickly (because at the deepest level we alreay ARE THIS ENERGY) or we can stay a victim and stay disconnected from this Truth.

    The choice is staying in the pain, or liberating ourselves to the Grandest Version of ourselves that we could ever imagine.

    This is the difference between merely surviving, or magnificently THRIVING!

    It is also the difference between slow, painful and ardorous recover (normal human version) or True recovery (empowered vibrational version).

    1. Mel,
      Thanks to you for this site. I know now that it is destroying me bit by bit. I will get to the point of leaving and no contact, but it is hard. My kids do not understand this and believe there mother more than me. This to me makes it double hard that they do not understand or see the behavior. It seems she presents the perfect image of herself to everyone,but acts out on me. Is that a female NPD trait? Male NPD’s seem to be known as difficult, etc.

      I have set up boundaries and they are just broken down and knocked over. The next step of no contact will be very hard. Nobody knows and nobody ever sees this behavior, but me?

      Lyn

    2. Take the blue pill or take the red pill, right? Once the truth is known you can never look back at the illusion which was once your own reality. Or at least thought it was.

      I am happy and relieved to know that my 8 year relationship was with a person suffering from NPD. I have not been this happy since I discovered this website and the knowledge it supplies. Now I finally GET IT! It wasn’t me, and although I already knew that I couldn’t wrap my head around why my life was emotionally ruined and why I wasn’t able to get him out my head. Especially after experiencing and observing the horrendous treatment toward me, and other people he encountered.

      The Ebook Narcissistic Abuse-the Truth and How To Do No Contact answered all of the questions I was never able to get and answer to. The fact that my obsessive energy on him was still felt by HIM after we were apart resonated with me so deeply that I found peace within. After understanding WHY and HOW this was happening I am doing everything in my power to not think or obsess about him.

      The belief I had is now changing every day and my obsession about him is finally weakening, even though its only been a week since he discarded me (again for the billionth time). This time for a 21 year old and by the way, he is 55!!

      However, I know the healing has begun because for ONCE in my life, I actually feel sorry for his NEW victim. The fact that I have compassion for HER is evidence enough for me that I am recovering and gaining my own sense of self love and closure.

      Thank you, Melanie, for your knowledge and insight. My emotional breakdown was 3 years ago but I feel like because I have already suffered, I am ahead of the game in getting over my past, HIM, and moving on with my own positive vibration, and reducing any past or previous obsessions of our long, and agonizing “relationship”.

      And now I understand why he chose me. He once said, I reminded him of himself when he was my age. Now I know what narcissistic supply I was giving him and why he craved it so much. I am in process of liberating myself because of what I learned from your resources.

      Stay strong sisters! Thriving successfully is possible and I now feel I have the power to actually change my future positively! Half of my battle is over! Now only I have the ball in my court. FINALLY! And that ball is to remain in my possession by practicing NO Contact and exercising the belief that I deserve better and that the issues derived during our union was NEVER because of me!!

  16. Hi Lyn,

    yes it is hard when we are trying to manage our emotional body that is hooked and terrorised with narc abuse – absolutely!

    What you are describiing is a narcissistic trait, male and female.

    Truly Lyn when you do the ‘inner shift’ on how you feel (being), then the ‘doing’ on what you need follows automatically.

    This is the essential key that most people don’t fully understand, and try to struggle with it the hard way – (try to do the ‘doing’ without the inner being sorted first), hence why contemporarily it is stated that narcissistic abuse recovery, no contact and reclaiming yourself is a LONG process.

    This is totally NOT the truth when you do the inner work.

    If you haven’t already please listen to this radio show that highlights what does happen when you do the inner work and change your ‘being’state on what is hooking you into the ‘unbelievable’ even when you KNOW logically you should be able to pulll away – but can’t.

    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2011/10/02/interview-with-individuals-regarding-implemented-boundaries

    Truly doing the inner shift work is the AUTHENTIC way to do what is necessary for yourself, so that it isn’t hard, and you do not continue to be destroyed bit by bit.

    It becomes very easy and empowering to NOT continue when at an inner level the abuse is no longer Your Reality…and to get to this level powerfully and solidly working on ourselves is necessary.

    Hugs and hang in there – I promise you when you reclaim you at an inner level – the struggle no longer exists!

  17. To Melanie and others,
    Thank you for your support and info. I have started No Contact, and keeping busy with friends and activities, and in the healing process. Wish You All the Best of Health and Happiness.

  18. I can vaguely remember a time when I felt pretty, confident, walked with my head up, could make my own decisions, had good self-esteem, friends that i did things with, visited my family, etc…. the list goes on. At one time, I had all of those traits and more until about 6 months after I met him. Slowly, one-by-one, they vanished and I became this person that was complete opposite. Twelve years later, after loosing friends, family, a house, my dignity, my self-worth, almost my children, etc,…I found out what a narcissist was. After reading the definition and characteristics for the first time, all the hairs on my body stood up, I felt like I was going to vomit and started sobbing. I was shocked. What I read told my story, word for word. There was no,”If some of these apply to you…”, all of them applied to me, like someone wrote down my thoughts. The horrifying thing is, after that experience, I had to go back and make sure that I wasn’t making up things and wrote down examples of how the article related to my situation. I struggle with trusting my own feelings and what is right from wrong. I am making excuses to call (but haven’t), reasons for his hurtful and cold behavior and feeling very sorry for him. I’m staying strong, but barely hanging on. I feel so weak and stupid for allowing someone to stay in my life for that long and yet i want to believe that hes not a narcissist and will see the light and apologize. Why did I need to live in such a fantasy world for all those years and waste my life??

    1. Debbie,
      you are not alone. i feel and felt exactly the same way. it is ok to have to reassess bc the whole time you are with a narcissist, they make you mistrust yourself. they were attracted to you for all the reasons you listed. you are pretty, can make your own decisions, had good self esteem, family relationships.. that is what they needed and what he needed to take from you to feel whole. i had to learn this too. he ruined me and i let it happen. then i got stronger and moved out. it was so bad i thought i was going to have a nervous breakdown. i am three years away from him and i still have to remind myself that he is ill. really that is what they all are. It is like they have mental illness and you cannot reason with someone who is mentally ill. find peace that god chose you to go through this to find that self love that was missing. I find recently that alot of my relationships are tangled with narcissistic behaviors. i have pretty much taken account of my life and those in it and cleaned out the closet. If someone doesn’t treat me with love and respect, they are out. God loved you so much he wanted you to realize you are worth so much more. time to love yourself. build healthy boundaries. love who god created in you. accept yourself and love who you are. don’t worry about him. he doesn’t even realize who he is- there is nothing about him that should reflect who you are. not even children. god created you and brought you into this world alone. be glad you found out now rather than waste your entire life with him. that was my fear. now i am alone but i am free to be me! embrace all that is good, say thanks everyday you have seen this as painful as it is. get healthy, get professional counseling, medicated if need be and pray everyday for guidance. it will get you through. he is not worth it. but i know and you know that you will continue to replay this insanity and that is ok. it will slowly go away over time and you will be able to accept this situation. it just takes time and there is nothing wrong with you for battling this demon over and over. it is bc it is so out the realm of what a healthy person believes as love that makes it all so hard to take. you are ok. if you weren’t, you would have recognized this situation. you would still be there. you will make it through and find peace. it just takes time.

  19. I have only been away from him for 5 days and I have been reading through as much as I can. I have had tears streaming down my face as I go through so many emotions. I recognize myself and him. I have felt so stupid and can’t believe I have let this happen and choose to ignore what it right in front of my face. He has been running back and forth between his wife and I for a year. I still want him and know that is the worst possible thing for me. I have two daughters and would hate for them to ever experience the torment I’ve been through. Its been a constant year of accusations and explainations as to why I am wrong. He believes every man I speak to wants me and I act inappropriately to them all. He knows about my childhood abuse and tries to use this to his advantage. Telling me I am just not capable of seeing things as they really are because my boundaries are messed up. I have thought of his as my saviour then he is like the devil when he turns on me. I can’t think straight. I am trying my best. But I drove past his house today and almost stopped and gave the ring he bought me to his wife. I pray for strength. Thankyou for this site. I will continue to read and move forward.

    1. Hi Stephanie,
      I am almost lost for words.. My situation is extremely similar to yours and I feel I am so unalive and empty. Between his wife and I, our relationship has been going on for about four years now. 5 days ago he left me again without word as he has in the past and returned to his wife. He says nothing, he just doesnt come home.This has happened three times now. Even though I knew something was not right almost right from the beginning, I just kept having him back, believing in all that he said to me and believing in ‘our love’. His wife knows about our relationship and she too keeps having him back. I have only just learnt about NPD and am absolutely shell shocked, lost for words etc.etc. I have spent the last five days trying to keep busy and being around people, but its not working. Today I feel like a zombie. The more I read and learn the more I realise how horrifically pathetic I have been.

  20. Hi Stephanie.
    I feel for you. Right now, reading this stuff has been like having a spotlife shine on my world.

    Reading and crying is all that’s keeping me sane and safe right now.

    Trying to slowing figure out how to move forward.
    You’re not alone!

  21. This is a fantastic site, could you be interested in making time for an interview concerning just how you developed it? If so e-mail myself!

  22. I had great parents. I was a strong successful professional. I dated X for years before committing. And yes- NPD. When his mask fell after 30 years- it rearranged my sense of reality.
    I do NOT miss him. I miss ME. The strong confident me.
    I saw two old pictures of me when I moved- a happy relaxed photo before I met him- and one a few years into marriage- haunted, insecure, frightened. How do I reclaim old me- and restart my career after he stole my
    life savings? How do I keep him from destroying our kids?

    1. Hi Carol. I just now read your blog as I am new to this site. I too have given 30 years to a narc. I miss ME too! I meditate a lot which helps. I took up new hobbies that he would never consider so I have a safe place to be me. This alone helps boost your good vibes. The kids probably see his behavior and know you are unhappy. My kid does. But when the kid does see me happy when I assert myself and do my own thing this spreads happiness. The kids have to learn you deserve happiness too. At any stage in life.

  23. Hi, I have only just come across this amazing site. Very helpful and empowering. Loved this article and feel I am making progress on my path to recovery. After 20 odd years of being with this person and having had children together I find it a very bitter pill to swallow that he never loved me. How did I not see it earlier. Or was he just sick of his life and wanted the excitement of another woman and felt no remorse in throwing away his beautiful loving family. I so want him to be a narcissist because I think this would make so much more sense to me and it wouldn’t hurt so much thinking he did what he did because he is wired that way. Hard seeing him “”loving” someone else and her children.
    Gaining a lot from this info. I am determined to heal..so excited about what is ahead for me. Thanks

  24. I have read through every word of this site and can’t tell you how much it has helped me. I was in a relationship with a narcissistic man for only 7 months, and just cut off contact 5 days ago. I am worried about my reaction to when he tries to lure me back in. I’m not sure that will happen, but I am focused on being strong enough to resist his ‘effort’. The long- distance relationship started as many o you describe. I was whisked of my feet, wooed with lavish vacations and activities. I remember telling my friends how strongly I felt, it was the most in love I had ever been in my life and I was ‘so lucky” to have met him. He had told me from the very start that he was just getting out of a 4 year relationship and they had been engaged. A flag went up, but it didn’t seem too bad. The way he treated me said that it was over with her. Turns out, he was living with her and she had no clue about me. I started getting emails and texts from her for the first few months of the relationship. They were warnings but I didn’t know that yet. She called him a narcissist and I didn’t even know what that meant at the time. Throughout the relationship, he was cold, yelled, ignored me for days with the silent treatment and would respond with anger whenever we talked about my emotional needs. It was always my fault that ‘I would get too angry with him’ and that was his reason for ignoring me. I was so frustrated with the lack of communication and understanding each other (because that’s what I thought it was at the time), that I tried to break up with him a few times in the last few weeks. The straw that broke the camel’s back was this week, when I tried to get his attention after disappearing for 3 days. During those 3 days of course, I called, texted, left messages with no response. When I texted him asking what was going on, he responded that he was truly in love with someone else. This broke me. I was shocked, but at the sw time it made sense because that’s where he was disappearing to. I thought he and his ex had gotten back together. Well, turns out there isn’t someone else (he confirmed the next day) and he just said hat because he was mad at me for the consistent texts to him. At that point I knew it was over. For him to maliciously Hirt me like that is a deal breaker and I never want to feel that again. I still cry. I still have a sliver of hope that he’s not the person I think he is. But I know that’s not true. He is a narcissist. The saddest part for me is that I am the only one grieving for the end of our relationship. I lived him so much and he never really loved me. After reading all these posts, the best thing to do is work on being happy. And I do feel lucky that I ended if after only 7 months. I just need to focus on me now, and not let this man control my feelings anymore.

  25. hi,my boyfriend dumped me, and destroyed me 6 weeks ago. i only heard from him after that to ask me for his car back (that he bought me at the beginning of the relationship) After that i have not heard from him for 5 weeks. Just a question, but what does it mean if they dont hoover you back. does that mean that you were less than the other women that do get hoovered back. I hear this No Contact all the time, well i havnt had any contact to give him No Contact. I just want this guy out of my head, i just want to be myself again. when does this go away, i just want to be sane again. confused, and depressed. Please help.

    1. i bet he has someone else to get his supply from so you are not needed. I kicked mine out the house in Nov 2012, I told him I never wanted contact and nothing, not a call, text or email..!! Im glad but I understand it hurts..!!

    2. Bonjour a tous,ca fait presque 1 an que je suis au Perou, Lima. Si je peux vous aider dans la recherche d’un appartement, n’hesitez pas a me contacter. C;est valable our ceux qui veulent recevoir des conseils pratique pour les demarches administratives…A bientot!

  26. I just got out of a 3 year same-sex relationship the day after christmas. Prior to the break up, my ex was being very protective of her phone and was consistantly changing the password on it. i knew that was a huge red flag, so when she wasnt paying attention, i glanced at her phone while she was putting it in and waited until the perfect moment to check it to see what was going on. what i found was a string of emails to another woman she was dating many states away. horrifying emails that about tore me into a million pieces. i confronted her immediately and she instantly was inraged with me for violating her privacy and personal business. That night i packed all my things and moved out. i was devastated beyond belief. our realtionship was never perfect, but i thought thats why relationships were hard, it took work to make them good. i mean, she came with me and acted like everything was fine at Christmas at my parents home. i even found pictures that she took of herself in my mothers kitchen on Christmas, after kissing me, that was sent to this woman. i was and still am in total disbelief. the day after i moved out, she flew the woman in town to spend the weekend and NYE with her, 1 day after i left. I cant even begin to explain the hurt, pain and grief i am going through. but this site, is helping me tremendously! everyone’s story is the same. its like i am writing every single one. i know one day this will be behind me and i will be ok. i just wish that day was today.

  27. Since the first day of this year I hv spent nearly every waking moment researching this disorder. A chance remark by my partners father prompted me.
    For 3 years I guess the feeling was like I hv been slowly going crazy. Nothing I did was enough I think I’ve turned myself inside out.
    I am intelligent n attractive enough but I know the attraction was I hv boundless energy for everything n everyone. Well I used to!
    Everything I hv read is my life. No physical abuse but everything n more.
    He has a pot n porn addiction. Of course he only took them back up cause I’m high maintenance.
    Now I know what I’m dealing with n he doesn’t know what I’ve found out cause I’m being punished for telling him to add me on Facebook.
    I am determined to not loose anymore of myself to him but how to stop my need for some of his attention
    None of my friends or family hv any real understanding of what has been going on cause I hv been embaressed so I’m alienated from there as well
    Would love to say thank you to all the incredibly brave who hv posted their stories on sites like this. You hv given me my life back.
    Still in shock.

    1. Wow…I was on and off with what I believe was an N. I met him Dec 2012. He told me he had just broke up with long distance relationship (engaged)..he met her in Jan 2011-she lived 2,000 miles away and they saw eachother once a month…he proposed 5 months later. Anyway, he told me she was emotionally unavailable. So, we begin a quick, passionate relationship (I was married for 22 years and been divorced 2 years at that point)He kept in contact with ex. this bothered me alot. she moved from Kansas city to an hour away from where we lived about 3 months into our relationship. Also, he had basically moved in with me-although kept his own place. I found out he went to lunch with ex and kicked him out. I was devastated…changed my mind and tried to text, call,anything,.,.he finally called me back and said he was now in a committed relationship with her again and could no longer contact me. WOW…I was devastated. could not eat,sleep, function. I finally went into therapy, started running, even began to date …he called and asked to meet 3 week later…just wanted to tell me it did not work out he and ex moved in together and he could not stand her. he was happy with me and needed closure on that relationship. I took him back reluctantly (I have kids) and made him promise not to be involved with me if he was not serious. He knew I would be leaving for CA to take care of my mother …we were together April 17 2013 until he placed my bags in trunk (living with me again) The next day I arrived in CA…we broke up.

      He also had this wierd thing of constantly telling me how other women found him attractive (he is 60 and I am an attractive 47 yr old!) He would say ” Boy, if I wasn’t with you I would definitely date her!”

      He also basically refused to friend me on facebook…which created a huge problem for me and my friends told him there was something wrong with him..he finally did the day before I left and I did not accept.

      I just messaged his ex-fiance on FB to call me if she wanted…I just need answers to questions. How could he “unplug” her, then go to me next day…then back to her, then me???”

      He told me he can’t be alone. I think that now that I am 3000 miles away for 2 months was just too much for him. But he basically told me he never loved me, I did not make his heart pitter-patter. I asked why he came back and spent 24/7 with me???He said “you are wonderful, I enjoy being with you!” I told him to never contact me again and deleted his #’s

      so I guess I am luck to have only wasted 6 months…but can’t get the guy out of my mind!!!

  28. God bless all the writers here. It is such a painful journey to see the truth and then transition to let the Truth set you free.
    I was married for only 5 years when a co-worker brought the possibility of narcissism to my attention. She was an invaluable help during those months of enlightenment about this horrific malady.
    I cried almost every day of those 5 years from one insult, abuse, and rejection and indignity after another. 20 or more a day on days we spend time in each others company.
    I was able to convince him to leave over a year and a half ago. He left quietly because he had fixed his eyes on other sources of narcissistic supply and by the time he realized it wasn’t permanent, he was out.
    Interestingly I have to see him and interact with him 2-3 times a week. We go to a small church together. I was even a manager in his department at one point. This has been very difficult!
    Last week someone whose wisdom I greatly respect mentioned that the narcissist still loved me, and it opened the door for me to think of possibilities. I had not spoken to him or had any personal contact at all in that year and a half, (actually almost 2 years) even though we were in the same church I just did what I had to do with no personal interaction.
    Anyway, for the first time I gave him a call to try to “normalize” our relationship and also to test the waters to see if there was any change. We are not divorced.
    I wished him a Happy New Year and complimented him on a project he had done. He was very attentive, complimentary and told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk. I actually felt hopeful and somewhat euphoric… warning signs! He also told me that he had spent Christmas with his ex (and her husband this had been a sore spot with me in our marriage – he still wanted to do that when we were married). When he asked his son what his daughter’s (the narcissist’s granddaughter) name was (they live in the same town a few streets away and she is 4) His son got mad and told him not to speak to him again, he said he was never their for him and to leave him alone. The narcissist said his son must have been drunk. He then asked if he could put all of his stuff in my garage for a month. He lost his job and now has to find a place to store his stuff.
    Three days later he called and asked if he could move in and be my roommate, (I rent two rooms in my house). Dear friends, can you hear it all in this story… no change!
    Total lack of understanding of why his son would be angry that he did not know his only son’s and only granddaughter’s name, that talking about spending Christmas with his ex the first time we spoke in a year and a half and then asking if he could store all his stuff in my garage and then move in with me as a roommate. Am I missing something here?… SO GRATEFUL TO BE FREE! Thank you so much for listening. I have had to regroup somewhat and deal with that “thing” (not the man) in my sphere again. It was all still there wanting to take me out like it did before. Healing to you all.

  29. Thank you, Melanie, for this site.

    I was with a narcissistic woman for three months. I knew something was wrong–I couldn’t sleep and had nightmares–but I ignored my intuition, betraying myself.

    She was everything I longed for–pretty, professional, educated, always smiling, always trying to please me. The sex was incredible. I realize now that I used her flattering me and the sex for fill a hole in my soul. She used the sex to manipulate me and get me addicted to she could have her narcissistic supply.

    What’s more, there were so many red flags. I ignored them all because I was “high” from all her “lovebombing” and the sex.

    And so, yes, I realize that she was a catalyst for my own growth and learning to really, truly love myself.

    I have been doing no contact for 6 weeks. The other day, I was walking in the mall and saw her on what certainly was a first date with her next “victim.” Fortunately, she did not see me. It brought up so much. I realized how a part of me misses her (or more accurately, misses who I thought she was).

    I had to remind myself that she has no ability to love and used flattery and sex to manipulate me (and no doubt many other guys in the past) so I could be her next source of narcissistic supply. She had no empathy and would say hurtful things to me. She watched as she drained the life out of me. Why would I ever want to go back to that?

    I am trying now not to focus on her and not to wonder about her current relationship or how many men she has done this to. I am trying to focus on nourishing myself, resting, growing, and loving myself. It is new territory for me and all of us here.

    I think my Higher Self said, I want you to come and live from a true place, and I attracted this monster to me. I feel ashamed and humiliated. But I know I will become better, stronger, and more loving toward myself. And that some day, I might be able to have a healthy relationship with a woman who is capable of loving.

    I am not religious, but I did see a quote from the bible, in II Corinthians 11-14, which said that Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. My girlfriend certainly did appear as an angel of light. Now I realize there was something evil going on.

    I am a guy in my early 40s, involved in the healing arts. I could never imagine there are people without conscience, without a heart, that live among us. I am so sad to live in such a world. But I do feel hopeful, that if I can really love myself and not depend on some outside source of love from another person, that I will protected from bad people who want to take advantage of me in the future.

    To everyone reading this, I am sending you love and blessings for healing and wholeness.

    Thanks again, Melanie.

    1. This is EXACTLY my story. Unbelievable. Disturbing that there are soul hunters out there, real life vampires. And it is all a game to them. If they act like they are remorseful and have empathy for what they’ve done, there is an agenda.

    2. Sounds like my story only she picked me ot of the crowd and used my kindness for her all of a sudden ovarian cancer that came after 5 months of dating, passionate sex, love bombing and hyptnotizing. I thought what I had was “the one”. I saw her through her cancer and she beat it but once healthy and financially stable, devalued and discarded like nothing ever happened. The final discard was on Christmas Day and yet again while on holidays in Mexico. I tried staying friends but all she does is stir up emotions hoping to retain her supply. I can’t give it to her. I had to go no contact and have been for two weeks now but I still wonder what she’s up to. I find myself creeping her Facebook page and seeing if she has a new supply. Does she miss me or even care? I know the answer to that and it stings every time I think about it. The healing process has begun but nobody understands how difficult this is. Everyone says just get over it, but when your hypnotized like you are believing that this person was the one and last one, you don’t just get over it over night. I learned a lot about myself through the process. I know I wouldn’t leave someone because of their health problems, I know I don’t fall in love with someone because of their occupation or bank account. I’d love someone for them and who they are as a person. Lots of work left to do here to heal but like the rest of us, being involved with the people that actually care and give a damn about us is a good first step. Reclaiming your interests is another. Healing won’t happen over night but we all made the best decision we ever made by going no contact. God bless.

  30. I am in Australia and read your website last night for the first time. As I was waiting in court yesterday to get an interim intervention order against my ex-partner someone suggested Narcisist. So that led me to find your site. What a revelation.
    We met nearly 6 and a half years ago over the internet. He is from New Zealand. We (or I) fell in love over the telephone and flew to meet him in person. Everything happened so quickly. Then he moved countries to live with my 3 kids and me 5 months later. We started a business together, I injected money into the business and paid of his debts. When we first me, he told me he owned his house, was CEO of his business, grew up in an upper class area, and he had a dog. Just before I helped him to get ready to move, I found out he had $30,000 in bills, he owed his father $30,000 and his parents owned his house. He had deceived me, but it was too late, I was hooked. We got engaged 4 months after he moved in and gave me a ring he told me was his grandma’s. I did have it valued and it’s worth $3000.
    We built up the business together so that we were able to buy a large house together 3 years ago. Two years ago, there was so much debt from all his lavis spending, I thought we’d be bankrupt, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, and I”d lose my kids and my house, so I went to see a psychologist, and I tried to leave him. I put it down to his drinking. Now it makes perfect sense as to what sort of relationship I was in. I took out a personal loan and that was my running away money. I sacked our bookkeeper and took charge of the money which of course he didn’t like. Last year I attended Al Anon meetings every week and got stronger. Then 2 months ago after a binge episode, I moved out of our bedroom into a spare room and it was over! But he took 3 and a half weeks to leave. I have spent $5000 with my solicitor to try and get property settlement and have gotten no where. He thinks he is entitled to every large item in my house, including our vaccuum cleaner, the Karcher water blaster, my sanding machine etc. Very strange. When he moved out, he put his phone services on my account, convinced someone at the bank to take my name off our joint bank account linked to our mortgage, locked me out of the business, put a tracking app on my iPhone, is not paying any bills or our mortgage, so I have the intervention order now and NO contact. He has locked me out of the business, which I worked 70 hours a week on to build up to a $500,000 turnover (he was CEO and 100% share holder, which I was never allowed to change). He has had over $50,000 come into the business since then, and he has not let me have a cent and now I am unemployed and on benefits. He is now saying he owned the company and I was just admin! Everyone believes his lies and it’s so frustrating!
    Now he is taking me to court accusing me of stealing company funds when it was our business together. I took money into my personal account but it was to pay overdue bills and I have accounted for it all.
    Within a week of us separating, he went on 4 dating sites and now he has a new woman. He has sucked her in so quickly that she is now working for him on ‘our’ business, and she is letting him store stuff in her garage! Poor woman! It was hard at first to accept that he never loved me, and that he has done all this to me, but now I can see why.
    I am strong, I am getting lots of help from friends, family, friends at Al Anon and domestic violence counsellors.
    I am so pleased it only lasted 6 years. I just want him out of my life. My kids are happy he’s gone. My 17 year old had been cutting herself and stopped after he left. I didn’t realise it had affected her so much too. We have been able to keep the family dog (which we bought on the day we got engaged), and even the dog is calmer and more settled. I realise he wasn’t capable of even loving the dog even though he told everyone it was his dog.
    I don’t think enough is mentioned in Australia about this, so Melanie, you should do some research and try and spread the message here!

  31. Hi, i have read a lot about Narcissism and found that my ex fiance has this. It has helped me make sense of a lot of things but i am still struggling to let go. He done some awful things to me mainly mentally including marrying someone else. It makes me sick thinking that she has managed to keep him but i know in my heart that this is not true as he cant be kept, he cant love and will do the same to her as he done to me, he already has but she married him anyways after a short time. I dont love him nor do i want to be with him but i want the memories to go away and i want to stop going over scenarios in my mind about what i would say to him and her if i were to ever see them, i want to stop asking questions about what i could have done and i want the hatred i have in me to go away. Will it ever stop? I hope this website can help me as i torture myself everyday while trying to show that i am coping, happy, be with family/friends and carry on with my job as a senior planning engineer, its getting difficult.

    1. hi jill – just found this site myself. the pain is unbearable – i ask the same question – will it ever stop? i did something today – too long to describe – but i realized with a jolt – that is how he would have done it – and i felt so horrible because the real me would not have behaved that way. he is so ingrained in me that i have acclimated his inhuman ways. but, at least now i am beginning to catch myself and vow never to do that again. i have much work to do to love myself.

  32. one of the most painful punishments my N used on me was the silent treatment and dumping me out of the blue. i mean for days, weeks, months – all the while i left phone messages, texts, emails, mailed letters. i was always desperate for contact and got absolutely no responses. i was crushed each and every time. and, then he would pop back into my life and i got sucked in every time. of course, i realize now he had other more beautiful, interesting, witty sources taking up his time when he was not with me. i am just beginning no contact (one week today). last week he hurt me terribly – he posted on the internet for a new best friend/lover. i pray for strength and self-love. thank you Melanie – i truly needed you to some into my life. my sincere wishes to all for true self-love.

  33. I needed to thank you for this very good read!! I absolutely enjoyed every
    bit of it. I’ve got you saved as a favorite to check out new stuff you
    post…

  34. It seems that women are the only ones who are
    affected by NPD from the blogs. I feel that
    I have suffered from this same psychological
    abuse for at least six years including all the symptoms ie gaslighting, verbal abuse, and ignoring as if I am not there. Where can
    I go for help to validate my feeling and start on the road to recovery?

    1. Hi Greg,

      there are many narcissistically abused men in this Community, on the NARP Program and within the NARP Recovery forum.

      They are just as not as prolific in posting on the blog.

      My greatest suggestion for you would to become a NARP Member, and gain the support from other men as well as women. Even though our genders are different, the abuse and healing trajectory is identical, and we do stand together to heal.

      Mel xo

  35. I empathize with all those going thru the turmoil of an NPD person in their life. I was sucked into the illusions and Good feelings with my ex. It was Great for a year. Then I felt him slowly emerging into an ugly, emotionally immature, and cowardly man. It was a hard breakup that he initiated. It came at a bad time….death in my family, possible loss of job, etc. And the reason foe breaking up was all about him and his feelings and him him him. He said he felt ashamed to be seen with me. He said genes afraid his kids would hate him but lover me. He said he was afraid of what people would say about him for being in a rrelationship with me. It was all about him.
    Even after breaking up, it was about him. He would be hot and cold. He would be a jerk one day and then days later he’d be all sweet and reminiscent. I know now it w was as probably because he needed a boost for his ego. He needed an extra dose of attention…. maybe he wasn’t getting it from his new woman. I really don’t know but it has been a draining time.
    I .in the middle of a jerk cycle now. He’s being weird and acting like I’m a disease. It’s so childish. When I don’t react or reach out….he becomes Mr. Nice guy with me. The longest he’s ever stayed Mr. Nice guy is probably two months. It’s a sick cycle. I work with him. So I can’t avoid him totally. But I do feel he likes to use control tactics and authority abuse with me. He needs to be in control.

    I used to feel that he turned into someone I didn’t know after we broke up. But now I believe this was his true self all along…..selfish, cold, manipulative, emotionally immature, self absorbed, egotistical, and angry.

  36. I have been apart from a Narcissist for 18 months. I am in more pain now than I was 18 months ago. He never loved me. I moved away 6 months ago. Up until that point I avoided him which he hated. I blocked him on my phone and email. I act like he doesn’t exist because in the past he would cross all boundaries even if I said hello. He did many painful things to me and now I cannot bear to even look at him. It bothers me that a person would hurt people in order to feel significant. Now he yearns for the very thing I will not give to him and that is attention. There is nothing left to say (wouldn’t make a difference anyways) and I am still trying to heal. It is a very hard and difficult process. I imagine I still have a ways to go in my healing process. This article spoke to my heart .

  37. I feel like I was in love with a narcissist. I met him 9 years ago and we began having a sexual relationship. I was young in my early 20’s and very insecure and naive. After seeing him for some time I moved away for 6 months and came back, but we kept in touch. Prior to moving away I used to spend the night at his place and constantly try to do more than have sex, I wanted us to date, but often times he gave excuses. He was extremely charming and handsome and I was happy just being in his presence. When I moved back we starting seeing each other again and went out a few times because I pushed for it. I was in love with him, my heart would pound every time I saw him and one night I decided I was gonna tell him. I think that was one of the worst decisions of my life, stupid idea. He turned me down and told me he had a girlfriend and didn’t love her, but still wanted to be with her. It broke my heart, especially because that same night as I cried in his bed he still consoled me and still slept with me. It felt like we made love, even after him saying he couldn’t be with me. Time went by, I went through great emotional changes. I cried so much I couldn’t even keep it together at work. One of his acquaintances who I ran into occasionally kept trying to talk to me and I kept turning him down. Until one day he told me how this guy never cared about me, how I was just sex, and how he didn’t care how much he hurt me and it was easy for him to continue on with his girlfriend. All that pain I felt came back in the form of anger and I wanted revenge. I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I still loved him but I hated him for hurting me and felt he used me when I truly loved him. Well stupid idea number two is that I slept with his friend once hoping he would find out. I was hoping it would hurt him. I knew the next day that it wasn’t a good idea cuz it didn’t erase the pain and I felt stupid for letting his acquaintance get in my head. I told his acquaintance it could never happen again and stopped talking to him. Fast forward, we ( the narcissist and I) ended up talking again, back and forth. He was so good at making me feel like he cared, and we had great sexual chemistry. I kept hoping he would see how happy we could be together. This went on for two more years. There even came a point when he upset me one night and I stopped talking to him, and several months later he contacted me saying how he missed me and he was sorry. Well after dealing with him for a little over four years total, I got pregnant, At that point I felt I had to tell him about my one time encounter with his now friend (no longer his acquaintance ). His response was, “I knew about that”. He said he knew and his friend said it only happened once and he didn’t hold it against me. Well when he couldn’t convince me to get an abortion, he stopped talking to me till about 5 months pregnant. Then started to be there for me. He would still sleep with me, and make me feel like he cared. He even told me he loved me at one point even though we weren’t together and he never attempted to make it work with me, ever. Its like he couldn’t stand the thought of me not wanting him but he never wanted me. I question if he ever even loved me or truly cared, or if it was really always just sex. Now till this day, he can still trigger that pain. I stopped sleeping with him before my daughter turned 1. I moved on, continued furthering my education and found someone who truly loves me. I live with my boyfriend of 4 years now and we have a 1 year old. It’s been 4 years since I stopped sleeping with the narcissist and he has a girlfriend as well. I was content until he started talking about me to people and telling them how we ended up having a child. He tells people how I was just a sexual relationship on and off for 5 years. It resurfaced all the pain and emotion. He denies talking about me negatively but I don’t understand why he’s taking about me at all. For a while even after I moved on he tried to keep me loving him, he would see me and try to kiss me on the lips or cheeks even though I had a boyfriend and another child, but he clearly never wanted me. In a recent argument he threw the fact the I slept with his friend once in my face, which made me feel horrible. I couldn’t believe he went there after all these years, I was 23 and heart broken back then. I thought that was something he didn’t hold against me. It upsets me that I am feeling this way again. I don’t know if I still love him deep down. I can’t see myself being with him but I can’t let go of how he hurt me. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way again, but I don’t wanna feel anything for him. Does he sound like a narcissist, is this the effect that narcissist’s have on people? Or is it just me?

  38. That’s just where I am right now. It hit me last night that, based on her antics-late night calls from other men, flirting right in front of me, smiling at somebody and rolling her eyes when they walked away (meaning she must have done the same to me), never apologizing for hurting me (and telling me she would do it again if intoxicated)-she probably didn’t even like me, much less love or respect me. I feel like a d–n fool. Family tried to tell me she was using me and I didn’t want to hear it. Toward the end, she withdrew her affection and refused to kiss me. That didn’t stop her from promising we would get a house together one day.

    Then, like a typical narcissist, she betrayed and used me in a bizarre way during the holidays. I think she made a passive-aggressive move to force me to break up. It’s strange to realize she figured I would end things after what she did and she didn’t care.

    I’m now getting the silent treatment. I try to leave her alone but it’s difficult. I know in my heart that the abuse would increase if I ever went back, maybe even to the point of being set up to fight with another man, and I want to go back anyway because I still love her.

  39. I found out my narcissistic husband was cheating after 24 married years and than he told me it was my fault that he cheated. I never realized he was a narcissistic until this time and because I was in such bad shape that he always ignored me. My phone calls, my texts and it was so easy for him to cheat on me because he never loved me. I was crazy in love with him but all the finger pointing was always at me.. I always had to watch what I did and he made me think I was crazy and bi polar for thinking that he was cheating. It had been 3 months that I moved out and I still have hard days because he has no remorse that he broke up our family . I still cry over the loss of us and our family. He still sees her and it doesn’t bother him that he has deeply hurts me. He is only after himself and what he can get our of it

  40. I am a 39 year old man that believes I’ve tried as much as humanly possible to salvage my marriage and in the end she is always so willing to let it go! For years I’ve been told that I’m useless no-good and so on, to the point that I actually believed this and would freak out if she left! The start of our relationship was having sex within the first hour we met and than I moved in within two days. I have to say that I definitely experienced a connection with her like never before! With in 8 months of being with her she cheated on me because I wanted to take a vacation with my daughter and didn’t bring her and her kids! Then she got pregnant and didn’t know if I was the father or if it was the others. 8 years later I am sitting here saying why didn’t I leave then! Someone who can do that is definitely not a person who’s thinking of someone else at that point or any other for that matter! I’m certain that though out the last 8 years of being accused of cheating and everything else under the sun, that she has definitely done it again and again! Now we are getting a divorce and it’s all my fault! I took her to a psychiatrist so that we could work out this issue for my son. The psychiatrist told me after three visits that she was a narcissist and incapable of having a healthy relationship! He told me to get as far away for her as I could! But I stayed and married her after that! I truly want to find out why I did that and yes it was partly for my son but I allowed all of this! I can see that the continued put downs and controlling was
    her way of making me feel like I wasn’t good enough for any other person in this world so I would be stuck in this cycle! The good news is that I can see that she can only love as much as she is capable! I truly don’t believe that she didn’t love me! She did! She was just not capable of loving or thinking of anyone else but herself! I truly pray that she is able to look at our relationship and see her wrongs so that she can actually be happy with someone else one day! I just know that it will never be me and I’m ok with that as I deserve more! The thing that really bothers me is I’ve become abusive like her and I’ve called her terrible things because of this hurt and the things she calls me all the time! My blessing here is that the next time I am ready to move into another relationship I am going to be able to see the abuse and control as not acceptable and move on! I am sad as I’ve invested everything into this and she is just trying to hurt and take me for everything she can! She has told me that she has moved on and only last week we were happy and having sex and now I’m hated and despised and she’s moved on! This has been my life for 8 years and I have realize now that I deserve more! I can gain material things back I’m just looking forward to getting myself back my confidence back and love for myself back! I can see The Shining light at the end of the tunnel and it is exciting even in the mist of all the pain! I will be free and ok! I will never allow a person to abuse and control me like this again! That is an amazing lesson and i need to make sure I own my part and move forward! I am blessed!

  41. These predators destroy you. They suck the life from you with no remorse for their actions. They are not human, they cannot love you, they never did love you, it was all a means to an end I.e. them getting supply. They are sick bastards who will play this game till the end of time. They have nothing to lose they have no empathy so treating you with contempt means nothing to them. They are hateful,despicable, toxic and should have NARCISSIST emblazoned on their fore heads. They are nothing and are not worthy of your love. Mel xx

    1. Yes they are hateful and despicable. After 17 years of marriage and so much pain, unfathomable pain. I found this website just while searching for answers as to what went wrong, what I did wrong, why I was not lovable, why I couldn’t do anything right, why he hated me so much and was so mean and evil to me, just everything. Well here is my story. In 1999 I was love bombed and I totally fell head over heals for him, my dream guy. The one I could laugh with, cry with, dream with, and love. We married in 2000. I didn’t know that everything happens with NARCS so fast. This is the man I thought I would grow old with… It hurts so badly how deceived I was. I was so caught up in the future faking that I was blind. I felt like I was in the twilight zone after he had snagged me. One minute he was happy and the next minute he was angry about anything (anything frivolous). I found myself always trying to make things right, trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, just so he wouldn’t fly off into a rage. I and our daughter walked on eggshells continuously. I hated to ask questions or to ask him to do or fix anything around the house because he would fly off into a rage just because I asked. I would hide in the bathroom and cry to myself wondering what I did, what I said to deserve such treatment. Everything was always my fault no matter what. After 3 years of marriage, he had gone to the doctor to see about his hip and had taken some x-rays with him that he received from a previous doctor. When he came home he was angry and said the doctor was not nice. I said I will find you another doctor, did you bring back your x-rays? He said no. I said you should go back and get them so you wont have to purchase them again. He said no. I insisted that they were his, that he paid for them and should go and get them. He went into a violent rage and punched me square in the face with a closed fist, then he spit in my face. I was shook to my core, yet I didn’t leave. I felt obligated to fix him, to love him, after all he was my soul mate. Nothing was farther from the truth. Last year, I found out that he was cheating on me and tried to make me think that I was crazy and started accusing me of being the cheater because one of my old male co-workers would send me email in a group chat with other co-workers, so I was cheating with him. He knew that I wasn’t and I even shared the emails with him and had even introduced him to this ex co-worker. Now he got calls from ex female co-workers and I knew about then and never felt threatened. I said to him one day why do you think that I am cheating with an ex co-worker you know I wouldn’t do that? You have ex female co-workers call you and I never got angry or felt anything negative? Before I could get the last word out, he had kicked the chair from under me and I fell to the ground. I couldn’t believe what just happened and as I got up he then grabbed me by my neck and slammed me against the wall and threatened to kill me before he moved out. I knew there was something wrong, but I just could not put my finger on it. He made me think that it was me because my self esteem was so shot and I was so empathetic to his needs that I forgot that I had them too. I endured the anger and the rages and the gas-lighting up until he left in June 2017. He just threw me away like yesterdays trash and told me that he was not coming back and that he wanted his name off of everything. I obliged and bought him out of the house and have not seen him since July 5, 2017 when he showed up for the closing. When he showed up, the devil showed up with him and his mask was completely off. He was the epitome of pure evil and was raging horribly. The loan officer who was doing the closing was scared and her eyes were as big as saucers. I had asked her to do him first, so I could get him out of my house. Once he left, she told me, Don’t Look Back He is Crazy. Please Don’t Look Back. I must admit that writing this is so therapeutic for me. I’ve finally accepted that he never loved me after reading 100 times in different articles. Not only did he not love me, but after thinking back over the years, I realized that he never supported me in anything, never comforted me when I cried or felt sorrow , never came to my rescue when my car broke down day or night (I had to ride with the tow driver) he was always to busy at work to leave. He would never rearrange his schedule for me, never would take me anywhere, but I would find receipts where he had taken out with other women fine dining. It seems the more I did for him, the crueler he became. Now he is stalking and love bombing his neighbor. All I can say is good riddance, God has someone 100 times better who will love me and cherish me unconditionally. I have finally, let go.

    2. I am so glad to have read this article and the comments. I just came out of a 4 month relationship with a narcissist and am coming to terms that he didn’t love me but was just looking for his next source. My counselor told me that he is a high functioning narcissist. He has a high paying job, a nice house, and he seems to dote on his son, with whom he shares custody with his ex. I was love bombed and overwhelmed by his attention and he told me that we were soulmates, talked of marriage and moving in with him. I observed that he has no friends, has a lot of angry energy, is paranoid, sometimes lashed out at me and then was all sweet a second later, was beginning to control and criticize me, called his ex-wife crazy, and all of his numerous ex-girlfriends crazy. Of course, I wasn’t crazy, according to him. All red flags that I didn’t catch because I was so in love.

      All seemed well until 2 weeks ago when he began the silent treatment. I knew something was very wrong. Text after text went unanswered until I finally pushed to end it. And then I got the “am sending you your things back” text. I’m relieved as this didn’t go any further than 4 months. Knowing that he never loved me is the most painful part of this situation but I am working with a counselor who is helping me tremendously. She told me to be grateful that his toxicity didn’t infect me further as she recognized that he was swiftly trying to isolate me from my friends and family. She also pointed out that he “warned” me about this relationship as none before had lasted more than 3-4 months. Of course, he said that I was the “one” and he never wanted to be with anyone else but me. A script that he must use with each victim.

      I know that I will recover and be able to move on from him. At this point, I’m disgusted that predators like him walk the earth.

      I am really sad to read the comments from people in relationships for years with narcissists. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

      1. Hi Lizz,

        it truly is great that you have been able to realise what is going on and let go so quickly.

        I really commend you, and for all of us, the awakening is our own healing and boundaries.

        You are doing a really great job with your awareness.

        Thank you for your care and consideration to all

        Much love to you

        Mel 🙏💕💚

  42. I am so glad that I stumbled across this website. I dated a narcissist for just over two years and was thrown aside for no reason. It’s all so confusing since he was determined, and kept saying, that none of it was my fault. I envisioned spending my life with this man, and even a month later I’m still so confused.

    I constantly dealt with the narcissist’s silent treatment, I would drive the 40 minutes to his house daily (because as if he’d make that effort for me) and be greeted with ‘what are you doing here? I hope you realise I’m not doing anything interesting’. It felt like it was a chore to love me… I still want to believe that the good person I saw in him exists. And I still worry about the path he’s choosing in life.

    Can’t wait to be free one day and find a healthy relationship with someone capable of love. But for now, I guess it’s just going through the motions.

  43. After a 7 year marraige, I left my husband after finding evidence of drug use. This was a 5th relapse, so that combined with the constant fighting in front of our 5 year old, the constant drain of finances, the aggressive and defensive behavior, and the Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde flip flopping, I had finally reached my breaking point. It wasn’t until after I left him that I came to understand that the behavoir was due to narcissism. Since I left the flip flopping and illogical behavior got 10 times worse. It has been a roller coaster of emotion and backlash. I really thought that if I left, then maybe he would get his shit together and be motivated to prove he could be a family man. But he has been cruel and tries to punish me by continuing to make my life hell. I had to get a restraining order and change the locks on my house. The worst part is now coming to terms that he never loved me, we will never be a family and he will never get better. I dont know what to do about my 5 year old. She absolutely adores him. I don’t want to ruin her life. We aren’t divorced yet and I’m scared to death of his vindictive intentions. I supported him for years while he was an addict having ” a midlife crisis”, and he magically got a job after leaving him, even though I begged for years for him to find work. He is trained as a civil engineer and now makes 8k a month, twice what I make, and hasn’t given me a dime after 10 weeks of working this new job. Now he can afford a lawyer and I am scared to death of losing custody of my daughter. I’ve been barely hanging on, I keep getting sick to the point of bedridden even though I typically rarely get sick. I am constantly ruminating and trying to figure out how this happened and why I didn’t see the signs earlier. I am greiving and even miss him. I feel so confused. Any advice is welcome.

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