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I had a post recently on my Facebook page where a gentleman asked for me to write about ‘how to know what our needs are in relationships, and how to speak up in order to have our needs heard.’

In order to have a successful relationship based on trust, mutual respect and love it is imperative for you to know exactly what your needs are in the relationship and to make these needs known to your partner.

Not too long ago I was incredibly afraid of speaking up with my partners and believed I would be abandoned if I did so.

The reality is, if we want a successful relationship, we need to overcome our fears and grow into a healthy adult, without our inner emotional wounding in order to be capable of creating an authentic spiritual partnership.

In this article I want to share:

Why it so important to choose a partner based on our core values and NOT shared interests.

Why we need to speak up and be emotionally authentic if we want an evolved spiritual partnership.

How to identify what your needs are in your desired relationship so you can be honest and authentic about them.

 

Relationships of Old

Our forebears didn’t struggle with as much complexity, because specific gender roles had been in place for quite some time.

The needs of our forebears were much more ‘practical’. The female within the relationship needed her man to provide, to keep a roof over her and her children’s heads, and to earn a living to ensure food and living necessities. Her role was to give birth to his children, provide care for him and the family and look after the house duties.

The programming within these times had very defined roles.

Many could argue that this worked better – and why can’t we go back to the ‘good old days’?

The reason we can’t is because of evolution, and the the powerful force of evolution is forward moving; it doesn’t turn around and go backwards.

In fact trying to hang on to the ‘old ways’ and not wishing to evolve causes great angst  – whereas the people who are moving forward into giving up these defined gender roles, and striving for a higher degree of consciousness and deeper relatedness within themselves and in their relationships, are faring much better.

 

Why is the Old Paradigm Breaking Down?

I’ll start with women.

Women are struggling to give up their ingrained DNA of needing a man to survive. Most women subconsciously (or consciously) are seeking a man to protect her, provide for her and fend for her.

I’ll be frank – as I have had to be very often in this community.

This old paradigm is disastrous – and in fact can be lethal for women. It’s one that used to be very ingrained within my fearful, wounded inner parts.

This has been one of the greatest reasons that women have found themselves in narcissistic relationships. When women believe emotionally that they are incapable of living and carving out their own lives it makes them highly susceptible to dependencies, unhealthy attachments and abusers.

It makes them gravitate to men who create grandiose (powerful) personas, and it makes women cling on for dear life even when the mask of the false persona starts slipping and the abuse begins and escalates.

It is astounding how powerful our imprinted DNA programs are until we work at evolving ourselves. You don’t have to do much historical research to realise that women not so long ago, even in Western countries, had no rights to property, money and often children if a marriage separation occurred.

I have met highly successful women, who are incredibly capable of living financially independently, and even have wonderful incomes, who literally feel like they will ‘die’ if not attached to a man, or if the relationship they are currently in is ending.

Even when a man is throttling her emotional, mentally and financially.

Our ingrained survival programs, which we have inherited from our ancestors and were conditioned to believe, are hugely responsible for these feelings.

Unfortunately insecure, controlling and manipulative men (which of course is not decent men) know who to identify these internal insecurities, play on them, and then use these fears against women to keep them hooked.

I am not advocating in any way to hold up a placard “I don’t need a man”, what I am suggesting is that women need to work on their insecurities and fears in order to enter relationships NOT from a position of fear and survival – rather from a position of solid self-sufficiency, where we no longer become trapped by our emotional feelings of dependency.

These insecure and scared feelings of dependency are our fearful inner wounded child parts. If we don’t evolve these, we will try to seek a ‘parent’ rather than a ‘partner’.

Women need to enter relationships from a platform of healthy desire, whilst retaining self-love, self-respect and self-worth.

Unfortunately if we enter relationships because of a conscious or unconscious belief system of ‘needing’ the other person to provide us with something we are not prepared to be for ourselves – these people don’t rescue us – instead they deal up to us on a whopping great plate our deepest survival fears. In the case of a narcissist – we know that becomes a super serve.

In regard to men, the old-fashioned man prized himself as the breadwinner and the provider. Traditionally he was the decision maker.

Nowadays women match men in so many areas of life. They work, they can earn good salaries, they are in positions of power and decision making. Now, more than ever the patriarchal system is changing, and men and women are moving into equality and a greater need to relate to each other as equals.

Of course not all men are or were ‘controlling’, but in regards to the ones who still like to hang on to ‘superiority’, the modern day woman does not wish to take a back seat in the relationship, or as an individual.

She has her own capacity to earn money, she needs to express her own talents and live her own missions. If she is healthy within her own skin, she wants inclusion and to be treated and respected as an equal, and she wants her freedom to have time outside of the home, just as he has. She wants to shine and be seen in her own right.

Generally women are leading the evolution in relatedness. It is easier for women; we have been doing it amongst ourselves for time immemorial. Women have the natural capacity to be less in their heads and more in their hearts and bodies, which creates a greater connection to emotional evolution.

True relatedness has created a greater necessity to develop relatedness with ‘self’ and one’s own emotional intelligence. The shift has become so much less about logical advancement, as it has emotional advancement. Teamwork is required so much more than ‘might is right’, rules, power and control.

There is a knowing within most women of her deep relatedness desires. She wants her man to be connected deeply with her, emotionally authentic, and if she is in her own body and connected healthily to her own emotions, she wishes to establish beautiful and safe levels of trust, relatedness, intimacy and bonding.

If a man hangs on to his pride, struggles to release his ego, and doesn’t wish to connect to her as an equal or evolve his DNA of retaining emotional ‘separation’ – a huge power struggle will ensue. This has the been the cause of much modern day relationship breakdown.

What is needed is for him to present himself authentically, he needs to be vulnerable and be comfortable with her regarding who he really is flaws and all, and he needs to let go, and allow her to be creative, express her missions and shine in her own right. He needs to be her supporter and promoter, just as she has traditionally always been for him.

Just as she needs to become more practically and emotionally solid and whole, rather than feeling needy, co-dependent, helpless, powerless and deficient.

In regard to emotional intelligence he needs to become more humble, accepting, authentic, and less staunch and ‘proud’, and she needs to set aside her fears, speak up and be emotionally honest about what she needs, or does not want.

Without the fears of being rejected and abandoned.

 

Values and Needs

Many people get into relationships because of chemistry and shared interests. Such as “I find you attractive, and you love water sports – so do I. You love the movies I do, and we have read the same books..” (as an example)..

Relationships don’t fall apart as a result of people not having shared interests. In fact people who don’t share interests can have a healthy relationship, and may in fact help each other to expand their horizons as a result of trying and sharing new things together. Or couples can happily and securely allow each other to have time outside of the relationship separately.

The reason why relationships fail is different values.

After understanding how vital this is, you will see in reflection that your values and the narcissists were in fact miles apart, even though it seemed that your interests were incredibly matched. Narcissists take on and mimic the interests and identities of every new source of supply, because they don’t genuinely have their own identity.

So how do we distinguish matching values?

First of all we have to deeply get to know and investigate ourselves.

How you can ascertain this is to think of the things that are really important in your life. These are the things that you put the most love, energy, focus or / and money into.

Such as:

  • Family
  • Friends
  • Work
  • Health and fitness
  • Personal growth

Now under these headings you need to write why these things are important to you – and emotionally how you feel about these things in your life.

By doing so you have totally identified your values. You will deeply connect to who you
really are and what you stand for in life.

An example of this would be:

Family – when feeling into why family is important to you, you may feel the love, the connectedness with your children, siblings and parents. The being available for each other – the deep sharing, bond and trust with each other.

If you have a deep relatedness with family, and meet someone who has very little to do with their family, and despite what they say often ignores the people in their life’s needs  – then this person doesn’t share your values at all!

If you look after your health and take care of yourself physically and know how to self-care and nurture yourself in this way, and you meet someone who eats unhealthy food, doesn’t look after themselves and takes little care in what they feed their family – then this person is not a match for you.

If you love what you do, are deeply connected to your mission and making a difference in people’s lives, and you meet someone who hates what they do, and is more interested in making money than connecting to their deeper purpose in life, then this person is materialistic and not living their life purpose and you are worlds apart in relation to who you both are.

If you relate to life with responsibility and accountability and integrity – you will show up in life as a mature responsible adult. You keep you word and take care of things, people, animals and commitments in your life. If you meet someone who is irresponsible, doesn’t look after their life, their ‘things’ or people or pets then this person has VERY little in common with you.

I’m serious – think about it…

Where you are going to stumble and fall and clash in your relationship is when this person does not hold the same values and visions in life that you do.

It’s so important to understand and hold your deservedness for a partner that can go the distance and one who will be deeply aligned and related with you.

True love, deep relatedness and connection will be because you are both at your core very aligned, and relating to life and shared visions together. You will ‘get’ this person – and they will deeply ‘get’ you.

Can you see how so much of this right from the onset with narcissists was disastrous?

 

How to Get Your Needs Met

Okay so back to the original question before the preamble – about identifying and getting our needs met…

If you have identified what you believe strongly in, what you stand for and where your energy goes, and you have chosen a partner who is aligned with your values, then you are miles ahead in being able to express your needs and have them met healthily.

Now the needs…

These are generally easy to work out. If you go back to your previous painful relationships and look at the patterns that have played out that were disappointing or painful – your needs will be the opposite of these things.

An example of the  list is this:

  • Being objectified
  • Financial abuse
  • Verbal abuse
  • Pathological lying
  • Engulfment
  • Projection

If this is your list, then your needs will be:

  • Reverence and respect
  • Financially responsible
  • Healthy communication and respect
  • Integrity
  • Space to engage in own pastimes and friendships
  • Emotional authenticity

These things need to be tried on in relationships, and you need to show up authentically yourself as ‘these things’ which represent your needs. You need to walk them as your truth, because no-one else is responsible for your boundaries, and how you would like a relationship to go – you are.

 

Evolving Old Patterns Into New Ones

Instant relationship are not healthy, mature or in any way sensible – especially if you have had patterns of painful / abusive relationships. You need to be very clear that you are not picking someone who represents your old patterns, and that you are not showing up in ways that co-create these patterns.

This is why it is so important to do the inner self-reflection and actual work on yourself to evolve your old patterns. All of us behave in ways that assisted our patterns to occur.

For example one of my greatest patterns was allowing partners to engulf with me. The truth was I felt scared to speak up, assert my independence or do things outside of the relationship for my own happiness. I felt guilty, wrong and that I would be abandoned if I did so.

If you are still operating from your internal unhealed wounds you will unconsciously align with, and choose (make excuses for) the people who represent these internal wounds, and allow or co-promote the behaviour.

You may need to spend a lot of time in your journal getting very clear about this.

To evolve your old patterns, it is also very important to get very clear as to the difference between the people you used to choose and the people you are aligning yourself with now.

The most important ways we can show up in our relationships is to be emotionally authentic. To be able to speak up loving, calmly and directly for what we need, and be willing to be vulnerable rather than blaming and shaming the other person in order to try to get our needs met.

We have all experienced the narcissist doing that – refusing to be honest about their emotional pain and projecting it on to us – making it our fault and maliciously punishing us for not being able to magically fix it for them.

Within healthy relationships of deep relatedness and true intimacy (which means any real relationship in your life) it is vital, if you wish that relationship to deepen and flourish, to be honest, and real and grant people the opportunity to truly love the real you.

They can’t if you are not authentic. There is no person who presents an image of ‘perfect’ who is deeply and truly loved – in fact the exact opposite happens.

I hope this article has assisted you in identifying your real needs in relationships, and how you can work through some of the complexities to know yourself and know how they can be met.

If you have any comments or questions please post them below, I look forward to responding to them!

 

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Commments (46) + Leave a comments

46 thoughts on “The New Paradigm of Relationships

  1. I can relate to all of this. My ex was definitely a N and my ex-boyfriend was also one, but think he was more pathological. I am not qualified to diagnose personality disorders, but after doing a lot of reading about N and psychopathy, he met a lot of the criteria for being a psychopath in all the lists of criteria. I thought that when we met through dancing, we had a lot in common because we shared a group of friends and acquaintances.My family is very dysfunctional but he seemed to be close to his, even though they live in another country. He had a menial job whereas I am a professional with a home that I nearly own. Our work ethics are totally different and although he is a dancer, he abuses his body with junk food, alcohol, tobacco and ganja. As for personal growth; well it is integral to my life and non-existent in his. Apart from having heaps of time to develop my own interests and to spend time with my friends, none of my needs was met by him. It was all about him and my attempts to communicate openly and honestly were met with contempt and false promises. I got tired of his feeling of entitlement to use all the facilities in my home with no sharing of costs from his side. I think that because I was able to stay with myself a lot, observe carefully and reflect, and communicate what was important to me (at least I had that much of myself), I was able to terminate this relationship within a year and a half rather than after several years. I now realise that I have always chosen men who have no hope of being available for me in the way that I want. I got to feel all of my pain, and most encounters in the latter part of the relationship allowed me to feel disappointed and let down, frightened at times, hurt and confused, along with a lot of other feelings like anxiety and exhaustion. It is only now that I have been NC for several months that what the relationship consisted of, is becoming crystal clear. I am not dating anyone these days and am focussing on my own healing. I am also really relieved that I do not have his presence in my home any more. I do have some beliefs around whether there are many enlightened men out there who will be able to love me and to whom I will also be attracted and who also possess the same values as me. I doubt that I can choose wisely and am concerned that am not attracted to most of the men who are attracted to me. Perhaps I have just not been ready to connect with someone who is right for me on all counts. I think I have to do some modules on this belief. These days, I am nurturing myself even more than ever before, am doing healing modules and journalling, being thankful for work and a career that I love. I never again want a relationship like my previous ones and realise that I created them out of my own dysfunction. I am now observing my friends’ wonderful marriages and seeing how the partners truly care for one another and that is what I want for myself; to add to the wonderful life I have already been able to create. Not quite ready yet though I think. I am of the mind that when I am fully healed and am all the things on my values list, fully, then it will all happen naturally. Until that time, I will continue to work on my own life. A solid and happy relationship with a man who is right for me is really what I want eventually though.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      it is really true that the greatest focus to attract and conjoin with a ‘soul mate’ is to mate with your own soul.

      And then be very clear on your values and the other person’s when trying on potential relationships.

      The beauty is, when we know ourselves and are very happy to continue growing and evolving, we don’t need to be in a rush – it is all being taken care of in perfect and divine timing! 🙂

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks Mel. I am doing just that and it is working fine. The other bonus is that it takes off the pressure of thinking that I have to go outside myself to find someone. Those times have now gone and I am committed to my healing.I am so thankful for finding you and your website. It has been such a blessing and I am really moved by your ability to care for all the people who reach out to you, with such love and thoughtfulness and concern for our healing. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

  2. Melanie, you are, as usual, right on time with an article directed towards my current situation. I have managed to bring into my post-narc life a wonderful sane and loving man whose values match mine. We have been together for nearly a year and he is eager to marry me and willing to wait until I feel ready. And that’s the problem. I just can’t seem to let go of the protective part of me. When he gets too close my emotions go into shut-down mode and I just don’t feel anything. Or, I get angry and try to push him away. He is incredibly patient and understands why I do this, but I very much want to let go of this fearful need to protect myself. I have worked on it quite a bit, but I have no clue how to protect myself in a balanced way. I could use some tips! I want to be with this man in the most sane and healthy way possible!

    Thanks, and let me just say that my post-narc life has been glorious thanks to you, Melanie, and to everyone who posts here.

    1. Hi EJ,

      Okay so what you really need to do is to go deeply into ‘that protective part’ and feel into ‘what is that’…

      My gut is that maybe there is something in the relationship you are not speaking up about. And it’s not necessarily something he is doing ‘wrong’, maybe it’s something that you need to clear the air with, and ‘be’ for yourself.

      When ANY part of us is going into protection mode regarding another – there is a part of us (a young part) who doesn’t feel like our internal adult is dealing with it…

      Do you need more time outside the relationship having your space, and then you can bond deeper with him when you are together?

      Can you take this to a Module – preferably the goal setting one in NARP, and set the goal for ‘clarity’ on this ‘protective part’ and clear the resistance?

      Then you will have clarity of “it is a fear of mine I need to clear”, or “It is something I require within the relationship and need to speak up about”…then that should help a lot.

      I am so pleased your life has got better and better post narc and that this community has been able to help so much!

      Mel xo

  3. Excellent post Mel! I would have to add the importance to look beyond the words. The N can be so tricky and speak the right words and say the right things, that seem to be aligned with your core values, but in practice they dont! I understood the importance of looking and feeling inside myself before believing words! My thing now is that I feel I wount find someone like me, need to still heal inner wounds so I can be more positive about this!

    1. Hi Alexandra,

      EXACTLY! And that is why when we investigate ‘values’ we can see very quickly if the real life actions stack up to support those values.

      People express their values through ‘action’.

      It is so important that we don’t take ‘words’ alone as reality, and take our time to ‘see’ the actions.

      All of our life is created from the foundation of our inner beliefs – so that is wonderful that you are starting to identify the beliefs which have been blocking you from true love…

      Mel xo

  4. Hi Mel

    Thank you for a great article. When I got married I thought I shared values with my husband because we had the same religion – but it has turned out to be far from the same values underneath the surface of the religious dogma and you pretty much gave a spot on dissection of the underlying truth in this article!

    My question relates to the little pearl at the end… “There is no person who presents an image of ‘perfect’ who is deeply and truly loved – in fact the exact opposite happens.” Would you be able to briefly expand on this as I do struggle with the belief that if I am perfect and have no problems or issues then people will like me and have no reason to reject or abandon me.

    Thanks Mel
    Anita

    1. Hi Anita,

      You are very welcome. I completely concur with your story, as I am sure many people in the community will also.

      I believed with both narcs that they were ‘spiritual’ and we shared that commonality in values.

      I am happy to answer this re being ‘perfect’. A great example is the martyr who does everything for everyone – and looks after them ‘perfectly’ and never asks for help. This person does this model “ I am the strong capable one)…Then this person holds incredible resentment because NO-ONE supports them!

      One day the martyr blows up and says “None of you give me anything!” Everyone is shocked and say “We didn’t think you needed anything, or help or my support. You seemed PERFECTLY capable! In fact we felt that it was ‘wrong’ to try to support you”

      The truth is being IMPERFECT is human – and incredibly loveable. We grant people the opportunity to truly SEE us warts and all. We grant them the opportunity to give to us, support us and love us when we are smiling and when we are crying.

      When we are willing to say to people “I had a really bad day and I’m hurting..” And we say this is NOT in a way that states ‘You had better fix this for me!’ or in a way that states ‘You are going to reject me now’, but in a way that states “This is the truth of who I am in this moment’ This person who loves us comes and gives us a beautiful cuddle and tells us it is going to be okay.

      If we are trying to be ‘perfect’ we won’t show our vulnerabilities and then we are likely to bottle up the bad energy, try to hid it because of the fear of being vulnerable and ‘imperfect’ and this person will pull away from us – and not towards us.

      If we can’t accept ourselves warts and all and feel comfortable to share that with the world, then WHO else will love all of us? The answer is nobody…

      This is why NO-ONE trying to be ‘perfect’ (invulnerable) can create great connections of realness, intimacy, love and connection.

      This is THE hugest blocks that narcissist have in their relationship with themself and others is they will not be real or vulnerable. They HAVE to be seen as ‘perfect’ (the False Self’s grandiosity)… as we all know that TOTALLY doesn’t work – in fact the very opposite happens – we see in mega technicolour just how damaged, disordered and deranged the narcissist is.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

      1. Yes thank you Mel! That’s great. And when people do abandon us when we reveal our problems and pain is it right that that is then their stuff and has nothing to do with us having problems?

        1. Hi Anita,

          If you are being real and showing the real you it grants you the ability to SEE 100% clearly who has the ability / self-resources to meet you at that high vibrational level.

          Mind you, you are so content and real within yourself, you don’t ‘need’ them to!

          But it certainly grants the ability to see who you really do want in your life as fellow, deep life companions!

          Mel xo

  5. I would like to add that this dysfunction can happen between friends as well…I have not been in a romantic relationship for quite some time but suddenly realized that long term friendship was just as dysfunctional with my ‘friend’ being a narcissist. It’s taken me some time to work through the disappointment and betrayal I felt and the guilt (like I did something wrong). I have to keep bringing it back to myself and my co-dependency issues instead of looking to blame her. I want to be healthy and to have healthy relationships…enough is enough! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Karen

    1. Hi Karen,

      totally it is importnat to have shared healthy values with the people we choose to have with us in life.

      This is wonderful you are taking responsibility and wishing to empower yourself.

      Because that is when your ‘world’ will change.

      Great stuff!

      Mel xo

  6. Melanie,

    What if someone showed me their unhealed part, basically lied to me, how can I unconditionally love them back or myself? I am upset and hurt. I am talking about my son, he is 12 years old. I blame myself/take responsibility for him lying to me. It was a great opportunity for me to search where in my life I lie to myself, thereby taking the focus back to me (learned that from your post two weeks ago), and then to feel love towards the imperfect me and him but i really don’t feel any love. I tried to release my negative feelings towards him over the lying incident and towards myself (over where I am imperfect) with the module dealing with embracing the sabotage self in the empowered self course but I still feel hooked by the negative feelings generated by what happened…need help… I think it is on topic although not about a partner but a child…Many thanks

    1. Hi Jane,

      unconditional love is authenticity, and it always starts with self. I love me enough to know that is not loving for me.

      I also love you enough to not need to change you to make me happy and I can leave you to your values (lying) whilst I remove myself and retain my own.

      Loving unconditionally is allowing ourselves and others to be their own choices.

      So in regard to your son, you don’t enable it. You pull back and he can have ‘you’ when he wishes to be truthful…Don’t prescribe, lecture or try to change him – let him learn through ’cause and effect’ (consequences) that he doesn’t get what he wants from life through you when he lies.

      And keep loving him. Loving ‘him’ is different from not loving the behaviour.

      And start NOW today – what is gone has gone…

      If you haven’t let go of yesterday – you need to – without needing amends from him. The closure of yesterday for you needs to come from within you.

      *Gut feeling – is this really about ‘him’ or something connected to a past narc?

      Does this helps?

      If not maybe you can be more specific about your quandary?

      Mel xo

  7. Mel,
    Yes it helped. His father is the ex narc. So, I’m finding similarities, and anytime he lies I think, and very afraid of that he will grow up to be a narc. I’m afraid because any lie is a reminder… I’m still showing him consequences in the sense of not going to a see him play a soccer game, doing less for him… I told him I felt confused by his behavior. I feel bad over not giving what I used to give, but I want him to see his behavior impacted me. So I didn’t lecture too much, but I don’t know when I will stop wondering when he will stop lying, what will happen to our relationship. I don’t know when showing consequences on my part should stop. For now (the lying happened few days ago)

    1. Hi Jane,

      There would be so many ‘triggers’ connected back to ex narc’s lies. Have you shifted them out of your body yet?

      Also it may really serve you to go within and ask yourself “What age is the part of you who hates being lied to?” and shift those charges out..

      Your inner child does not feel safe when she is ‘lied to’…which means you are vibrationally continuing to attract it.

      When your inner child knows you (the internal adult) looks after her regardless of someone lying or not – you will not be an anxious attraction energy for ‘lying’…

      That’s what I am feeling here…

      Truly Jane you don’t want him to see how his behaviour impacts YOU – you want him to see how it impacts HIM…

      There is no point in any of us wanting people to see we are hurting and hoping they will rescue us from our own painful feelings – especially if this person is doing the conscienceless acts of lying..

      All those feelings of your powerlessness and trying to sponsor his ‘guilt’ will only attract more ‘I’m bad’ behaviour from him…

      When you have cleared energy on his father, your inner child etc…then you can start off a clean slate. You may need to do a shift on ‘expecting / being anxious he will lie again’. You can also do shifts with setting up the goal of ‘him being honest’ and clear the resistance.

      You have a powerful opportunity as his mother to affect his energy by shifting the way you ‘see’ him. He came out of your womb.

      Mel xo

  8. my post got sent before I finished..for now I feel I need to keep showing him consequences for a very long time….thanks for responding so quickly!

  9. Melanie,

    I have been spending time with a man as of late who I sense is very authentic, is respectful, kind and very easy to be around. We are just friends, and although I know I am not ready to be in a romantic relationship, nonetheless I have found myself wondering if this could be a potentially “good” partner for me. (He is definitely interested in me).

    But this article has given me a lot to think about. Yes, I truly believe he IS good ( I’ve known him for years, and know others who think highly of him), and safe, and I feel valued and actually really enjoy his personality and his company. He has shown no evidence of being narcissistic.

    So, what is the problem? After listening to you elaborate on values, I realize that, yes, he is refreshingly real and kind which is very attractive to me, BUT we have very, very different values. Some seem like small things, but really they are important differences. I like order and cleanliness, where these are not important to him. I am a devoted Christian, and he says God is important to him, but I see no evidence of it. There are more i could list, but the point is, I would feel very frustrated with the lack of shared interest in these “values”, especially the spiritual aspect, as my faith colors my very world and is extremely important to me. To live with someone with whom I could not share this vital part of my life would feel very empty.

    And, frankly, I don’t care for his friends. I cannot see them in my home interacting with my children. (Many of them are alcoholics).

    So…I’m attracted to him for his great qualities (and they are sooo opposite of my x-N) but really, we would not be a good fit at all.

    Thanks for this insightful and important message. I needed it!

    Love, Patti

      1. I just realized that part of the reason I had a hard time letting go of my xN was because we DID seem to have so many similar values. But, the relationship was horribly confusing and painful.

        But now that I’m “cleaning myself up”, I look forward to having a relationship where there are both shared values AND respect and genuine love!

        1. Hi Patti,

          many of our deep core values are about integrity and loyalty.

          When we understand the warning signs and saw how we did not know how to ascertain that enough in another – we can see how pathological lying and smearing is absolutely NOT acceptable as a potential loving partner.

          Yes, they did seem aligned, but where nowhere near. The more aligned with become with ourselves the more obvious that all becomes.

          WONDERFUL that you are aligning with a gorgeous relationship!

          Mel xo

  10. Just to add to my post above. I do operate with the thought that my son lies to me and I dont know that I can believe he will stop, based on many instances in the past. This is very scary for me as a mom. Mel: how can I let go of thinking and feeling like that? It is not a good feeling.

  11. Mel,
    I do need more clarity. I shifted the ex narc from my body. i read your materials, did NARP, I am conscious about that and feel I got it.
    About my childhood: I did feel lied to: when I was 9 I realized my father was verbally abusive to my mom (I didn’t realize that before). She never acknowledged (till this day) the verbal abuse was wrong, and that I was hurt as a result. She always focused on what a great man and father he was, which was true, except the never ending verbal abuse. So, my feelings were dismissed with rationalizations. I was trying to get over it with the FOO module but I’m not quite there yet (although did that twice).
    But back to my son: his behavior does impact me: don’t we all hate to be lied to? if we didn’t, we would not impose consequences. I’m having trouble understanding whether the consequences I imposed were wrong/unhelpful. I did feel bad as a result of what my son did, so I am giving him less of me.
    Still I feel I completely miss your point as to what to do in my son’s respect. I do see him as someone who lies and can’t get over my sadness over that and my mistrust of him. Maybe I can talk with you about this…. Thank you always

    1. Hi Jane,

      That’s okay happy to help out with more clarity…

      Okay lets go through the checklist of vibrationally where you need to be…

      Great that you don’t feel that you have any more charges left from ex narc re lying…

      We know we have that one sorted…

      Ok re what we have presented to us in life, when we wish to change the outer, we need to make a really big conscious effort to shift the inner…

      So, yes of course within the normal human model – it would be very disturbing and emotionally affect you that your son is lying…

      Totally understandable..

      However in ‘the field’ of your experience your charge and angst on his lying effectively attracts into your experience more of him lying…

      I am not suggesting in any shape or form to not notice it, or do anything about it, what I am saying is that it will be very empowering for you to get to a ‘space’ where you could observe it without the emotional charge and be able to lay your boundaries about it from a calm, detached power centre, rather than being pulled into more emotional angst about it .

      When we are triggered emotionally the actions we take are not effective…we just add more angst, and more of what we are not wanting vibrationally to the ‘relational field’.

      This is course is not a simple process, and it takes work to get there.

      Most definitely I feel that there is some change left from childhood – and this is consistent with everything which pulls us out of our centre – there is a ‘young’ part of us triggered that doesn’t feel safe and doesn’t feel like our Internal Loving Wise Parent is present with.

      I would really work at shifting the pain about your father lying first. Feel deeply into where that charge is in your body, and ask that part ‘How old is this part of me holding this emotion?”. Then shift that out and clear it, and bring in an energy of Loving Solid Integrity.

      Then target the charges of the pain, angst and fear of your son lying. Again feel into the part in your body where the emotion is stored, and ask this part “Who Old am I”, and again target and shift out the pain, angst and fear connected with your son. Bring in again feelings and connections to solidness and integrity.

      The goal is to be able to see and feel your son as solid and in integrity, and observe when he is not, with the least emotional charge possible (none preferably) and laying boundaries solidly if he does lie.

      Has this helped?

      Mel xo

  12. I listened to this show on the empowered radio network while driving today. All I can say is “Wow.” Mel, thank you for such amazing insight. I pulled over to take notes. I consider myself a very responsible person. At one point, I worked two jobs to clear all my consumer debt and to financially help my sick mom. On the other hand, my ex-Narc slept most of the day, worked occassionally, and received hand-outs from his mom. During the show, you mentioned that people who don’t take responsibility for their lives, things, or pets are not a good match. I just laughed thinking about my ex- Narc’s dog that he dropped off for his mom to “babysit,” but he never retrieved poor thing. He just visited her once or twice a week. I’m so glad to be free from that and on my way to finding a match for me and my values. I’m so thankful for you, Mel! I have so much hope for my future.

    1. Hi N,

      I am so pleased the show resonated with you, and you are very welcome!

      I LOVE that you are feeling so positive for your future and really shoring up you and your truth!

      Yippee! Gorgeous!

      Mel xo

  13. Dear all, I am very happy to be lovingly present with myself all the time. If i had to have a relationship with a man, it would have be be built on shared values as Melanie said, and these 4 connections (i) spiritual (ii) emotional (iii) physical (iv) mental. I did a whole list of what these entail, for the universe to act on it. There is no hurry. I’m so blessed and enjoying every moment with myself. Much love to everyone. A big thanks to Melanie. XXXX

    1. HI Jewel,

      how gorgeous that you are getting very, very clear, and that you are not prepared to ‘settle’ with any less than a TRUE beloved!!

      Divine 🙂

      Life blesses those who align, deserve and wait!

      Mel xo

  14. Mel,
    Everything you write helps. Everything.
    But I need some more help.

    You say: “keep loving him. Loving ‘him’ is different from not loving the behaviour”. Well, the truth is I do not love him when he lies, I just don’t feel any love. I can’t pretend I do. I love him before, and after, when I relax from an incident, but not when it happens. I’m just so angry, sad, disappointed, feel abused, and worried he is going to turn like his father: someone who can’t understand lying hurts.

    About the shifts you suggested I do, and thinking the age I was at when I first felt the pain:

    Regarding my son, I can think back to just few years ago, when he was five (he is 12 now) and I realized he was lying to me for hours about stealing something (nothing of value). He was so young when he did that, it worried me, I explained to him how wrong it was and punished him.

    About my family: my parents have the highest moral character (I may not have been clear on this). It is not that they lied to me. It is just that my mother pretended it was ok to tolerate my father’s verbal abuse, because of his otherwise very high qualities (and he did have many very high qualities, there is no question about that).
    But that’s the message I got all my childhood, and even today my mom says: ‘just look at the bright side and ignore the rest’ (something I ended up doing with the ex-narc: focusing on the good stuff in the relationship…and the ex narc’s abuse wasn’t only verbal but the full gamut; I wanted to marry someone who would not verbally abuse me but ended will much worst than verbal abuse…).
    So, I was about 9 years old when I realized that the verbal abuse that was going in my family actually hurt my feelings, but the message was: ‘focus and learn from a person’s high qualities, keep smiling and ignore the rest.” And so I did, for many many years.

    Back to my son: I do not want to pretend I am not hurt, or have no feelings when I am hurt; to me it would be like the pretending that was going on in my family. I am still very angry with my mom for not acknowledging and validating my pain of growing up in a family where cursing, screaming and other types of verbal abuse was tolerated. I can’t remember her being angry with any of the treatment she got from my dad. And she did not do anything when my dad or my brother started to call me names (that stopped eventually). I don’t know how she does not get angry with verbal abuse, she says she looks at the bright side, and has many other good things going on in her life. But that does not work for me. I am angry with her for not aknowledging and validating my pain over living in this atmosphere in my childhood, and I am unable to shift it out of my body, although I tried hard to do that with FOO.
    I recognize I am very stuck here and don’t know what to do about it.

    You also said: “don’t let him see how his behaviour impacts you; you want him to see how his behavior impacts him.” Well, wouldn’t he learn from seeing that I am hurt by his lying, that it is not ok to lie?
    I would like to think he has a conscience, and when he sees that he hurts someone, he will stop. If I hide I am hurt, how will he know and learn it is not ok to hurt his mom (or others)?
    Otherwise he would just be consequence-motivated, as opposed to conscience- motivated (afraid from my or other people’s punishment, but not caring about how people feel). So, yes, I can hide I am hurt, but why? what message will I be sending when I do that?
    I am struggling with the right approach here and your insights will be much appreciated.

    I’ll add I know I have made progress with respect to the charges as to the ex narc: they are gone and I don’t need him to see or understand anything anymore. But with my son, I feel different: I feel responsible for his moral development.

  15. Hi Jane,

    That means loving his essence, who he Really is….not the lying, that is an aspect of him you don’t love.

    You feeling abused and wronged is not going to stop him lying or ‘wake him up’. That’s not how Law of Attraction works – it never works like that….

    Every time you self-abandon your emotions as a result of what he is doing he will grant you more of what you are doing to yourself..

    That is not boundaries that is playing out your own victimization…

    What is really necessary Jane is a 100 percent commitment from you to yourself that you are responsible for your own emotions and claim that you do have the power to release the pain and toxicity of what people have done.

    And step up into the knowing when you hand your power to others making your emotions controlled by them, you are stuck…and they hold the key to your happiness (or not) which renders you powerless.

    Are these ‘themes’ very stuck because you need to confront and work shifts for you on feelings of powerlessness and victimization.

    What parts of you do you need to release here, which are determined to hold others responsible?

    Possibly this is why you are stuck on these shifts with your mother

    Mel xo

  16. Dear Mel, thanks so much- this article is so helpful. I’m about to change my name legally, change phone number and email to disconnect fully from my FOO.

    I’m so excited. I’ve been wanting to do this since I can remember.

    “Common interests”, “common goals” and a glorified sense of “loyalty” (i.e. neediness!) seemed to be the reasons (hooks) for keeping one toe back there.

    But I’ve been realizing that my own values were not clear enough and that I intentionally kept myself fuzzy to try to induce a better connection with them.

    I’m going to write on this topic, get iron-clear myself, and then UNPLUG.

    So excited! (!!!!)

    I don’t feel any shame or guilt about this anymore. It’s totally unreal…. I know I still have a long way to go, but STILL- so so happy.

    Thank you!!!!!
    xoxoxoxo

    1. Hi Eve,

      You are very welcome.

      This is wonderful that you are detaching yourself completely and taking the stand for the vibration of your life being healthy.

      I LOVE what you have written about unplugging yourself – fantastic – this is where the true work really happens.

      Shifting ourselves and standing in for our own development. Great stuff, and it IS exciting!

      Much Love xo

  17. Hi Mel
    I dated a lovely man recently, we shared the same interests and the same values too, but that ‘something’ was missing. Although he was active he was a bit overweight and even though I tried not be superficial and was attracted to him as a person, it didn’t ‘feel’ right to be physical with him, cuddling and kissing felt uncomfortable for me. I’m not sure if this was due to my fears or just that there was no spark or connection in that way. I want to fall in love and form a loving healthy relationship but I want to feel that chemistry, that spark that ignites when getting to know a new partner. I doubted my own decision in walking away but I’m trying to listen to my gut instinct and it just didn’t feel right. I don’t want to ‘settle’ for someone just because they are nice, share the same interests and good company, I want more than that or am I looking for the impossible? )o(

    1. Hi Kristina,

      Hmmmm the truth is until you really get to know someone you can’t be sure if ‘he has the same values’…truly…Time and actions state that…not just ‘words’.

      Also this sounds like a man trying on kissing and cuddling and wanting to get close this soon could be ‘love-bombing’…I’m not saying that it is, but it could be…

      Trust your body…

      For sure ‘attraction’ is important – absolutely!

      I know for myself in the case of ex narcs. First one when I first met him – not attraction, and then a wild attraction came when he got ‘into’ my energy and ‘became’ everything I wanted him to be.

      Second one I really never had physical or chemical attraction to. I ‘believed’ he was a wonderful man – and hadn’t healed enough to know I was walking straight into an altruistic narcissist.

      The ‘bonding’ after then was because he ‘seemed’ to grant so much – and of course later turned to trauma bonding.

      It wasn’t love (honesty) and it truly wasn’t chemistry…I believed it was ‘me’ and it would grow…and 6 weeks into the relationship where I told him honestly I want to take my time rather than be love-bombed so heavily – the rug was pulled out, and I reacted back to a childhood wound – and on and on the story went….In fact there were things about him that I found quite repelling. Now that I understand myself so much more, it was because what he presented was a show and a mask – there was never a ‘real’ person in there to chemically bond with.

      I have vowed and declared to NEVER compromise ‘attraction’ again..

      The goal is to get very CLEAR Kristina that absolutely we deserve and can manifest the FULL experience. Wait out – keep aligning and keep feeling and knowing what you want, clear our your resistance (that is key) and be the beaming radiance of the match to your beloved who WILL show up in your experience..

      This man is not him…he is an opportunity for you to get clearer, align yourself more and become more confident about deserving and attracting the real deal. ‘Settling’ is a huge ‘no-no’ and one that will always be fraught with pain down the track.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you Kristina for addressing the physical attraction (or lack of it) and thank you Mel for your response.

        I had a lot of conflicting issues in the last involvement because of this.

        He was quite overweight so there were some feelings of being repelled, while at the same time there was this fiery attraction and in fact an addiction to him physically.

        There must be something in my DNA maybe that attracts me to a ‘big’ man in appearance. Yet deep within I also know that obesity is a big sign of ill-health physically AND emotionally. So once involved my mind and spirit have a big ‘ol wrestling match about it.

        Since I was addicted to him (I know this in retro but often wondered about it during our time together) I thought I was an awful superficial person making me the problem. And if I could just stop being a ‘mean girl’ in how I thought about his being overweight we would be OK.

  18. Dear Melanie
    I am on the edge of breaking up with my husband after 28 years together. It was love at first sight but growing up we couldn’t of had it more different. I grew up in a home of arguments and left at 16 to look after myself. my husband is an only child and has been pampered and over indulged by his family through out his life. when i met him i loved the way he greeted his mum and dad with kisses. Always told them he loved them something, i never got. I thought this showed mutual respect and decided he was the one for me. I left my home town and went to live and work by him with the understanding i would go back home if things did not work out between us. Six months on we moved in together in close proximity to his parents. Friday nights left me alone or around his parents place as i did not know many people. I eventually became quite distressed when Fridays arrived knowing his family were in complete support of him going out with out me. I have always believed you should not try to control people so always went along trusting he would see me for me and want to be with me. He did book a boys holiday away once but came back 3 days into it saying he missed me. I later found holiday photos he took on a beach with some girls and only can surmise he may have slept with one and thought the better of it and came home. I have never been a jealous person and trust people. But i do have a need to be respected. I had put him on a pedestal and wanted to be with him. We moved out of the area and bought a flat. After a couple of years a flat in the same block was up for sale and his parents were desperate to move from where they were. I suggested the flat as i had no problems having them by me. They moved in and things were fine except i wanted to start a family. I was 26 and knew having been on the pill since 15 it could take a while to get pregnant. This i did without my husband Knowing. We had been together for 6 years and i knew that he would not be the one to make a decision especially as he was spending all his time setting up a business. Years later he confided to me if i hadn’t made that decision it may never had happened.
    My daughter was born with Cerebral Palsy. I became her full time carer. I did not want her to be an only child and 5 years later after a lot of persuasion i had my other daughter. I have over the years fought to be treated as an equal. I look after everyones needs im loving caring and trustworthy. I am not perfect but sense my husband doesn’t value me for me.. The verbal abuse has been constant. I fight back and have left him 3 times only to be charmed back. I see him talk to others in a friendly flirty way and if i confront him he says its business stop being jealous. Recently we have come back from a holiday with his mum. his dad died last year. All i see is him kissing and fussing his mum. deb

  19. I really love this article as it carries a really healing message for me, as well as insight that has come to me before. But your words brought it back to the surface for me.

    For me as a codependent I think there are a couple things that have been at play.

    1. Not knowing what my values even are,making it easier to adopt others’. And yes, it has caused inner conflict when I’ve tried to accept in my mind certain things as values but my soul… and body as a matter of fact, knew better.

    Perhaps that’s something that can cause a push/pull dynamic at times…knowing the person’s presence is not a match for my true self yet, the NEED for love, attention and acceptance would be stronger at times as well as avoiding that empty painful void if he weren’t there.

    I remember going through some years in a toxic dating situation and taking on his opinions, because I didn’t know my own.

    2. Not caring about and even denying my own values…because doing so would take me out of his picture. And pretty much everything above also applies here as far as the neediness.

    Settling to cast any values that were my own aside for so long caused them to become distant and confusing. Knowing what they were can be difficult.

    Even if healthy eating is a value, it can be overtaken by eating to soothe when in so much pain.

    And so again, being out of such a toxic situation, figuring out my own values is necessary to do but also aligning again with the ones I know about can be very challenging.

    Thank you Mel, for such an insightful post.

  20. I dated this guy I knew for 5 months that flaunted his wealth but would not even buy me groceries when my cupboards were bare! We went to REi and I helped him pick out a nice Gortex jacket and Keen boots, etc. (spending almost $1,000 bucks that day) while I wore flats with no socks and an old jacket I got for 20 dollars that is not waterproof. He didn’t even offer to buy me warm socks!

    He talked for hours about his past traumas and ex relationship problems but never cared about my interest or offered to help with my financial challenges. I asked him to be more emotionally available to me, encouraged him to stop blaming others and take responsibility for his moods. I stated what my relationship needs and expectations were after being asked and he soon withdrew. He then said he could not get emotionally involved with me or anyone. When I finally asked for financial assistance for a bill after getting sick in exchange for art and 3 hours of holistic therapy, he refused to talk to me. I tried to help him by being a friend, supporting and listening to his problems and but when I needed assistance he disappeared.

    I seem to attract selfish narcissistic men that belittle and think I am “easy” and strangers that do not recognize or respect me as an intelligent, mature adult of worth. What karma do I have that leads me to experience such treatment? I am forty with education and work experience in holistic health and want to know what I can do to resolve these experiences in relationships and move to a better life.

  21. Dear Melanie,
    I have been reading your articles for a few weeks now and they have helped me SO MUCH to understand both why I attracted a Narcissist, how to spot one next time, if there is any “next time”..and above all keep away from all Narcissists on earth. This article is, again, a real “spot-on”, incredibly true. It’s scary to see how we all seek a “parent” to heal our past wounds, instead of becoming adults. I think this must be the main challenge, becoming an adult in its own right. You are doing an incredible job helping thousands of people, bravo!! Thanks a million times!

  22. Hi, Melanie. 🙂

    I have met a man now, that seem to be at a very similar place in life that I am and a good match- and what I experience, is that I unconsciously sometimes and in some aspects, with my behaviour, ways of talking etc, invite to be treated like in previous narc ways, and then it is good being able to use this blog and the NARP sessions to work with myself going through and releasing stuff that comes up within me along the way in the meeting with this good man that I have met. Since it is my first since the relationship with the man with narc traits, I experience that the fears I developed through that relationship comes back automatically as in programming, and this is a huge gift; gives the opportunity to heal myself completely, but only if I go straight to work doing NARP sessions and spending time on reflecting and thinking around it, finding new healthy patterns to function. What I experience with this practice, is that after each time I do sessions n such issues, I get immidiate response; VERY POSITIVE response from him. And he does not know anything about this practice. He simply is himself.

    Finding new love is, when it is with a nice healthy person, a gift of exposure therapy for me. And it makes visible for me, or triggers, issues at a level that I was not able to get in touch with in that previous period of time staying away from even the thought of opening to a new relationship. I find this especially in relation to sessiopn 2; releasing the illusion of the perfect partner; I eem to have a great deal of unhealthy clinging in me still- I dont knpw what I should have been doing without NARP, so thank you again for having brought NARP on the market available. 🙂

    This blog post is in this way also incredibly useful for me, here, today, in finding maximum grounding within myself and ensuring that I am in touch with my own values, being clear in wether there are any big red signs in this relationship, wich as far as I can see, there is not, pewh! Of course I have some worries about that now and then- those “what if I am not conscious enough, what if I am not ready for new love yet, what if I am going into something and do not see warning signs, what if I am walking into trauma one more time” thoughts. When I get those thoughts, it is good to be able to read blog posts and otherwise reading about narcissism and warning signs and such, to reality check myself and my experience now and then in this new phase of my life.

    Much love!

    1. …and for the records; what I am writing about here in this blog post response, is just one aspect of this new relationship in my life. There is much more to it, only I focus here, on what is relevant for this forum and subject. It’s much more to life than this- but still this is incredibly important to be conscious about, have skills according to. Takling about investing in ones life; investing time and resources on healing emotionally has meant the big difference to me, and still is. These days my therapist (in psychology) gives feedback that I am seemingly healing so fast from the CPTSD that he is impressed, and he is also very impressed about the insight that I have about my diagnosis. That I can much thank you for, Melanie. And thank God for, most of all. So may blessings in life. And a joy closing up to a new point in life being able to serve.

  23. Melanie, I love this article!!!

    Thank you so much for holding this space for all of us…you are indeed an angel on Earth!

    I’m in so much pain (self-inflicted) and I am realizing that I do not know how to do a “relationship” correctly. We are not taught in school, and most of us have had horrible role models…not to mention all of the deceit, cheating, lying, and self interest that is portrayed in the characters we view on t.v.!

    I keep thinking I’m making progress. That it’s getting easier to ask for what I need/want. That I’m not afraid to say “no” but I’m lying to myself. I’m still obsessed, infatuated, and falling for the lies because I want to “believe” that there is hope, I want to “believe” that he isn’t a Narcissist and is just immature, I want to believe his promises that things will be “better” that he will step-up and do what I have asked…however, every time I agree, I do know that he’s going to disappoint me. Is this a form of self-injuring? A way to re-instill that I’m not “worthy” or “good enough” for someone to love “ME” for being me?

    I’m hurting because of my choices. Nonetheless, I’m hurting and I can’t get it to stop!

    I’m in therapy, I’m taking medication, I’m in a group, I am taking online courses, I am doing your modules and in the recent past was attending Codependents Anonymous.

    In my head, I run through scenarios where I am strong, say “no” or am able to ignore his attempts to contact me. But when he does contact, the adrenaline flows and I can’t control my need to see/feel him. I’m completely addicted to the feelings – not necessarily to him. How do you get through this addiction successfully and pick differently or just be “alone” and be happy?

    1. Hi De De,

      your emancipation lies in you dropping deeply into the fear / pain (beliefs) that keep hooking you back in – and targeting them and shifting them out with NARP Modules.

      Can you sit with pen and paper, and think back to the times when he contacts and the emotional charges / panic / urges you feel?

      You need to embrace those, deeply drop into those and ask yourself ‘What is this really about?’ Then when you get your answers shift those wounded parts of yourself out in healing Modules.

      Then you will no longer be hooked – but you need to meet yourself determinedly to achieve that evolution past those wounded parts.

      Until you do evolve those parts your cognitive mind is no match for those powerful subconscious urges. They will win out every time – just like they have been doing.

      Does that help?

      Mel xo

  24. This was a really great read. I am trying to navigate some new paradigm necessities in my current relationship. I am doing my best to deal with the fact that my lover, who i am in a monogamous partnership with, is attracted to another man who is also attracted to her. My fear-based self tells me that this is a slippery slope that can easily lead to a love affair or her leaving me for him. I know that this is my partly own mental construct based on my very own actions in past relationships, and so i am having trouble trusting that my partner can behave with more integrity than i did in the past. I have been doing work on loving myself, making sure my inner child, my shadow knows that it is safe because i love it no matter what. I am working on loving myself more authentically and relentlessly. However, fears still creep in. Our relationship is already difficult in many ways because of her children’s father and issues surrounding that situation, and i feel like complications such as this are hard enough without such preexisting situations. I love this lady and how she keeps me focused on the type of man i most wish to be, but i am having trouble integrating into a new paradigm relationship where i can feel fully safe and sacred. I go back and forth between thinking ” is it really outdated thinking to think that it’s a slippery slope to explore outside attractions, or is it a valid concern?” Any insight would be so helpful!

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