Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #11 Debbie

It’s time for another Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Recovery story!

If you are new to the New Life newsletter I do an interview every few weeks with people in the community who are now thriving after narcissistic abuse, to provide you with insight on how you can recover, and to inspire you and show you that it is possible!

Today’s story is very exciting because it is from one of the original members of the NARC Community Facebook group (The recovery group for the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program). She has been a part of the community since 2011 and her contribution to the community, and the help she provides to members has been nothing short of amazing!

Her name is Debbie.

I know that many people in the community have been asking politely, and eagerly awaiting for Debbie to share her story, and I’m so glad to finally share it with you!

I know you will love this interview and get a lot of useful information out of it because Debbie is an incredible, intelligent woman who deeply understands the dynamic of narcissistic abuse and recovery.

Click the play button at the top of this article to listen to the interview or download it here.

You can also read the transcript below.

 

Where does your story start Debbie? 

I was the oldest and only girl with three brothers. My father was an alcoholic with unresolved issues from childhood, but a hard worker, very well liked and had a gentle heart.

My mother is a very aggressive, domineering individual with various narcissistic qualities but not a true narcissist along with unresolved issues from childhood, various mental/psychological conditions and 1 or 2 psychiatric ward hospitalizations for nervous breakdowns.

My Dad was either working or away from home a lot drinking or drunk, leaving my mother at home alone. I became the main scapegoat and she became more abusive, angry, aggressive, stressed out and nasty…

I hated and was afraid of her throughout my childhood, wished she would’ve been ‘gone’ and thought that she should never have been a mother… In adulthood, I learned of her reasons why she was the way she was, still is, and I forgave her…

She was the only child of parents that divorced when she was very young, raised by her grandparents on a farm in the middle of nowhere with no siblings, friends and held many hard responsibilities growing up.

She was also molested as a young child/teen by an ‘uncle’, father in law and various other events that took place during her young life before and after marrying my father. Additionally, she had to care for her grandparents later in life, in addition to two of us as babies, along with dealing with my alcoholic father’s antics.

I was definitely a Daddy’s girl as a young girl, loved him dearly and also protected him… My youngest brother was the favorite and spoiled son of my father and my middle brother was my mother’s favorite son… I was a very obedient, intuitive, loving, care giving, dreamer with a very vivid imagination, protective and doing above and beyond ‘child’ until my early teenage years when I became somewhat of a rebel, flirtatious, sarcastic, humorous and quite promiscuous.

(Evidently, looking for attention and love even though the wrong way…)… I was never bad or disrespectful though…

I was responsible for many chores and responsibilities around the house since about age 5. I started babysitting at age 12, and always had employment since being old enough to work, and worked my way up the ladder in the US Navy and corporate world later on in life.

I received my first hug or physical display of affection from my parents (that I remember) while at the airport at about age of 19 while awaiting a flight to go to boot camp for my entrance into the US Navy.

Along with the highly addictive, abusive, dysfunctional and verbal atmosphere at home, I was continuously sexually and/or heinously physically abused outside of the family home from a very young age until late teens/early 20’s by a mixture of so called trusted family friends, schoolmates, neighbors and strangers.

 

Despite everything you had experienced in life to this point, you state Debbie (like many of us) that narcissistic abuse was the worst experience you have ever endured.

Absolutely nothing in my previous life experiences, logic or wildest dreams could’ve prepared me for what had taken place since my discard from the narcissist in the summer of 2008 or the aftermath.

Not even the resurrection from some safety compartment in my mind in my early 30’s, or the many severely mental/physical/sexual or heinous abuses I’d endured for a major portion of my earlier life, my final detoxification and rehabilitation from an almost 40 year stint of high functioning alcoholism in July 2005, or my variations of severe to bi-polar depression I’d had throughout my life… NADA!!!

It almost caused my absolute self-destruction emotionally, physically and psychologically – by either suicide or a thread close to losing my sanity.

Not to mention the continuing financial loss for psychotherapy, other therapies, much required psychotropic medications, health care professionals, recovery and self-empowerment resources, on top of already financial ruin or difficulties stemming from divorce, loss of employment in June 2008, escalated health conditions, permanent disability, stressful family situations occurring around that time, broken/null religious belief system, and the lack of support network or true close nearby friends.

 

How did you and he originally connect?

I met the covert narcissist in 1988 during work hours. I worked for a global telecommunications corporation and he worked for Building Services within that building.

The very first time I met him I remember his blue eyes under a head full of wavy light brown hair (Not handsome but not ugly either) and we both smoked with the same friends outside the building. I thought him ‘amusing’, arrogant, charismatic, somewhat obnoxious, outgoing, witty and intelligent, but he also could be immature, self-absorbed, attention getting and a few other questionable qualities.

I pretty much stayed clear of him except for the smokes and discussions we’d have either outside, in his office or sometimes he’d e-mail me or call my work phone. He’d complain and ramble on repeatedly about his so called ex-wife – how he found her in bed with his best friend, other horrible things his so called ex-wife did to him and in front of the kids, how he had absolutely no trust or friends except for 1 childhood friend, he had custody of their 2 kids, about his childhood, how non-committal he was, how he went through a screw ’em and leave ’em and other not so nice things about woman he supposedly dated around that time or prior.

That right there should’ve been a HUGE bright RED flag for me NOT to befriend or stay connected to him, but I did so eventually uncharacteristically of myself or past relationships. I also remember specifically how he’d brag about how well endowed he was, how great he was in the sack and I’d tell him, “Ed guys that have to brag about how great they are at sex or anything else, usually are just the complete opposite…”

He also went through a real rough time with a couple of bosses back then, where I’d listen intently and provide support over a many months period. For some reason a few years or so later, I began trusting him (something I didn’t do with many people throughout my life), thought I saw something underneath all of his outside armour and bullshit, and we became friends.

Approximately 8 years prior to me getting laid off, we became intimately involved while I was still married to my last ex-husband number 2. I wanted to escape an at times controlling, and very unhappy non-narcissistic marriage. I knew how angry my ex-husband could be and didn’t want it to affect my children.

Despite never previously looking for another relationship whilst trying to get out of my marriage, I fell in love with the narc. I enjoyed his intelligence, wit, humor, sarcasm, and our constant IMS/e-mails back and forth every work day and some weekends.

I loved his naughtiness, and found him unique and so on…

 

Other red flags appeared Debbie. What were they?

At one point I heard through my network and through a few others in my building, of involvements with females they knew of. He was indicated as a real asshole and to watch out for him. I brought this to his attention. He poo pooed it, and passed it off as his womanizing/pissed off at his ex-wife days.

Another HUGE RED FLAG but I blindly believed him. However, it left a questionable imprint on my mind… Basically since I met him, I’d been supportive of him through just about everything in his life, through various promotions, work related situations, his family and other issues. I really didn’t mind too much since it took me away from my hell at home, plus I have always enjoyed helping others and been a great listener.

I’d say about 96-98% of our entire connection from start to finish revolved around mostly him. I also sensed somewhere along the way in our relationship that he was not dependable whenever any sort of relationship issue was concerned, or if I were to have needed help or support outside of work hours. But he was an awesome boss, great at his job functions and well-liked by many.

We never met up on the weekends, because it was understood they were his bowling, family or down time days. We’d always meet in his office or on-site either during or after work for our sessions, and at first I didn’t mind because I thought he was protecting me before my divorce and/or from getting fired at work.

I also found eventually that I didn’t much like being around him in groups due to his arrogance, constant need for attention, always having to be right and various other traits. But I did enjoy being with him alone since I felt like I had his undivided attention, and he was different on a one-to-one basis.

He’d make various promises that were never kept, even though most were his own, made no effort to get together out of the office as he promised or otherwise, but I kept granting him excuses due to his work schedule or family issues. He never did anything special whatsoever for/with me and I received nothing from him like a card, a flower, lunch, dinner – NADA!

But like a huge idiot, I kept soooo wanting/needing to believe certain things that weren’t true, I needed someone to truly care, and a part of me couldn’t or refused to believe someone could be this outright of an asshole. Especially since we both had already had a long history together.

After future meetings in his office or on-site together, I would periodically feel empty and degraded along with conflicted, but still connected (addicted) when I’d leave his office for home.

After one of our sessions in his office in 2006, he looked up at me and stated that he loved me, and then asked if I’d have a problem with that. I told him – no not as long as it was sincere. His tone seemed monotone and as if he were testing me… Even though I was excited that he finally said the “L” word, which I’d never heard him say either to me or PERIOD, I had a strange feeling but accepted it.

 

How did the discard happen?

In April 2007, approximately 9 months after the narcissist professed “I love you” and a little over 1 year before I got laid off from my place of employment, we got together alone in another of his work locations. I had this really strange premonition that either that was going to be our last time spending any kind of so called quality time alone together, or something strange was going to happen. That was indeed our last time alone together.

Looking back, I believe that he was either already working on his next target, or he knew that I was starting to put pieces together about the inconsistencies about our relationship or about him. This meeting together was pleasant but somewhat strange, for I felt a slight detachment from or difference in him, and there was nothing discussed about ending our relationship.

After I got laid off June 2008, we exchanged e-mails or text communications on/off but there were never calls from him to ask how I was doing and so forth or at all. His responses were usually short and to the point. There was a situation one day when I went to the building to have lunch with a few friends and a friend IMd him on my behalf to see if he’d like just a quick visit with me. His response was that he was too busy.

I saw him one time real briefly as I was awaiting the elevator up from the cafeteria to my old floor to say bye before leaving the building. He faintly waved while he was discussing business with someone.

To make a long story short, periodically I’d e-mail him to see how he was. No responses were received back. Occasionally I’d receive reports from different reliable sources that he was discussing me either related to certain things I mentioned above, other misrepresentations, outright lies or other things they had absolutely no damn business to know.

I continued with the periodic messages asking what was going on and requesting a meeting to voice his issues or at least have some closure. Along the way ex-co-workers and contacts from the building were asking me what was going on or teasing me, and I’d have to embarrassingly/humiliatingly try to come up with explanations…

I was also receiving reports that he had been brazenly flirting with other females right after I left as if I didn’t exist and they were asking what was going on.

 

What happened when you experienced this breakdown?

Around this time or shortly thereafter, once again, the trauma of the severe mental/physical/sexual/heinous abuses I experienced earlier in life was reactivated.

All of this hit me like a freight train, like a real bad eerie nightmare. I felt betrayed, guilty, humiliated, violated, confused, conflicted, alone, used, useless and various other painful emotions…

This along with losing my job/livelihood, needing to escape from my miserable home life, losing my friends/connections from work, my escalating depression, fibromyalgia pain, other health conditions, impending financial ruin, separateness, stress, upcoming divorce, feeling unappreciated, the thought of having to continue living with my ex that I waited many years to divorce, etc. landed me in a psychiatric ward under suicide watch since all I wanted to do was die.

I did not want to continue living.

Within a few days I was already trying to help others on the ward and quickly gave in to getting better since I didn’t want to hurt or humiliate my family. But I remained a train wreck living in a nightmare for quite some time, and I still felt addicted to loving him. But I kept myself busy and forged onward. I did not contact him at all during this time.

Mid August 2008, I received a lengthy cold/distant message from him that was full of condemnation, cruelty and zero compassion.

My emotions/concentration/thoughts were discombobulated, and conflicted. All I could think of was all of this must’ve had something to do either with the intimacy we shared or as an excuse to terminate me from his life for good for whatever reason.

He hadn’t wanted to meet with me because “too much had went down”. Later he stated NO he didn’t say those things and other things, and that we were still friends…

Around this time or maybe even earlier, he may have well have punched me in the face, all over, stabbed me in the heart, stabbed me in the back and threw me in the garbage for that’s exactly what it felt like – I received many reports from former colleagues about his smear campaigns against me.

All of this was overwhelming, and a piece of me still sadly ‘loved’ him, but I didn’t communicate with him again until April 2009 figuring that I’d give him time to cool off or think. I then sent a very lengthy letter apologizing, explaining my actions and certain emotions or realizations I had since being laid off. I realize now I was doing what so many narc abused people do. Take all the blame and apologize trying to fix the narcissist’s incredible behavior!

I discovered later that he had actually been married the entire time we had our affair, and was still married to his wife of 30 years.

This totally blew my mind to say the least. I sent him a brief communication asking if he was married since I wanted to get his response, which of course I already knew but wanted to see if he’d be truthful and other questions.

His response “I am very upset right now, but, if you want to put this all to bed, call me at work.” He denied being married, denied ever discussing/misrepresenting/lying about me to others. He also tried giving me reasons why he acted like a jerk and gave me more lies upon lies but I acted like I believed him.

He then proceeded to give me ‘permission’ to call or text him whenever I wished, that he still cared about me (Yeah right!)… I hung up and I don’t think I really need to tell you my emotions and the thoughts going through my head.

Shortly before Christmas week 2009, I had a nervous breakdown/manic episode and ended up once again in a psychiatric unit to be put on suicide watch and to get psychiatric treatment. I was labelled by the staff there as having variations of bi-polar disorder and C-PTSD along with a nervous breakdown.

 

What happened after being released from the psychiatric ward?

After being released from the psychiatric unit in December 2009 I lived with my mother for about 6 months because I didn’t feel emotionally or psychologically ‘safe’ at home.

From that time until sometime in November 2011, I attempted implementing a daily/nightly routine into my life. I started trying to implement self care at every level, took walks 1-2 x daily for exercise and to hopefully decrease my depression – even in bad weather, and I increased my silent self positive affirmations.

I continued to have nightmares, periodic psychic visions, continued attending psychotherapy, continued my physical/pain management care, did COMPULSIVE/EXTENSIVE research re: narcissism and other personality disorders, continued taking the numerous psychotropic medications for all of my escalated mental/psychological conditions, tried various other techniques, therapies, resources towards recovery and self-betterment in addition to the comparing/venting of ‘war stories’ on assorted narcissistic/sociopathic abuse support group sites.

I was trying everything I could access to get better, and it was costing many 1000’s of dollars for which I didn’t truly have to spend, without success. Although I was starting to get slightly better in various ways, I was still struggling, suffering and in intense pain…

 

When and how did you start working with NARP?

One day in November 2011 when I was once again searching ‘Narcissistic Abuse’ or ‘Narcissism’, I located your website, glanced through it along with the testimonials for NARP and wanted so badly after living 2 ½ years of absolute Hell after discard, the relief, recovery and empowerment that those survivors achieved.

Although a bit skeptical since I had a severe lack of trust, I read the return money back guarantee which was quite generous, joined NARC on FaceBook, ordered NARP and started working it like it was my last resort or last thread of hope, for that’s truly how I felt at that time.

I started doing the work with severe brain fog, C-PTSD, still variations of depression and excruciating emotional and physical pain.

The first couple or so modules I struggled through, not because they were hard, but because of my conditions. However, I pushed forward with determination, forcing myself at times, sleeping on them, doing them in increments and doing them over and over again as appropriate for me.

I did them all in order and they got easier as I progressed… If I had certain specific triggers, I would go back to the modules as appropriate. I received releases/shifts and started recovering a lot quicker than I thought I would. Around this time I knew that I had been provided a very dark and excruciatingly painful but strangely rewarding gift/life lesson from my narcissistic connection and the aftermath…

 

What has that gift been for you personally Debbie?

Without being narcissistically abused, I would not have made the amazing transformation that I now have towards/within myself…

It’s a contentment, joy, peacefulness, love of and reliance on self that’s hard to explain that I’d never experienced before.

I’ve now been off all of the many psychotropic medications I was taking daily/nightly for almost 2 years that I’d taken for 3 decades or more of my life, and doing amazingly well so far.

My C-PTSD that I probably had even years before finally diagnosed is basically non-existent.

I truly believe that this and much more that I’ll list below has all contributed to me doing the missing/unhealed parts work through NARP along with other supplemental techniques. These shifts only started happening when I worked with NARP, and even from the beginning I knew something incredible was happening inside of me.

I still consider myself a work in progress and may probably always be, because I’ve always been in the mindset that there is always room for growth and improvement. Plus, I got started late in life, to reach this level of knowing how to heal and empower myself, and I have only started to unfold the possibilities of my full potential.

 

Looking back at your life, how has is it now ‘changed’?

I realized I was living in survivor mode most, if not all of my life, without normalcy or the guidance as to how love and relationships work. I wanted to fill my emptiness, loneliness and my inner void by trying to seek attention, excitement, gratification or happiness outside of myself.

I’ve always given way too much of myself in every way possible, whether in business, family or relationships, and now I know I will never accept crumbs, abusive, emotional/energy vampirism or toxic behaviors in my life again!

I discovered the truth: How could I fully and truly love others if I didn’t truly love, respect or trust myself? I finally realized that I never truly knew about or how to set personal boundaries, especially within the family or within my relationships. I’ve become MUCH better in this but still working at it within my immediate family.

I realized my childhood definitely helped me set up to be a perfect narcissistic abuse target. Even though for some reason(s), I was never bitter, ended up not being permanently psychologically/otherwise damaged or personality disordered from my childhood/past, but to the complete opposite side of the spectrum as intensely compassionate, empathetic, with integrity, intuitive, loving and so forth…

I had (still do) strong mostly positive or strong qualities, above average intelligence and more. It was my vulnerabilities/missing/unhealed parts that were responsible for getting involved and enmeshed with a narcissist.

 

Debbie you were a real veteran regarding narcissistic abuse forums, and connected as a moderator to many over the years since 2009.

The Thrivers and people really committed to healing love the format we enjoy in NARC. You (unlike many of us) have had extensive firsthand experience with recoveries from abuse in forums. In your opinion why is the NARC Group so successful?

While in the aftershock stage of narcissistic abuse I found various narcissistic abuse support groups helpful in realizing that I wasn’t alone, wasn’t losing my mind. These were places where I could communicate freely what had occurred to me along with being provided education, some inspirational items and support.

However, I found that most if not all of them prefer to remain focused on what the narcissist did to them – the comparing/venting of ‘war stories’ or bashing the narcissist. They go over and over the torment, pain, injustice and suffering of what happened to them or what may still be happening to them if they have children, upcoming court sessions, or still must remain connected to their narcissist for any variety of reasons, etc.

This keeps the individuals addicted, entangled, traumatized for prolonged periods of time as a victim instead of moving towards healing their lives.

I can personally tell you that from the many cases I was connected to on abuse forums – people who continue doing this do not recover, and in reality the complete opposite occurs. They remain stuck in pain, quite often suffer and attract either the same version of another personality disordered individual or other toxic relationships.

Additionally, I found that some narcissistic abuse support groups had been created by inexperienced or angry individuals that left or may have been kicked out of other groups, resulting in erroneous/incomplete education and support for the members.

Some groups are infiltrated with personality disordered individuals, rebel rousers, male bashers or cyber trolls that enjoy creating chaos, discord, harassing or upsetting others…

I have been involved in so many Groups – (I searched high and low for everything that was available), and it is my (I believe) qualified opinion NARC is successful because it is a central location and is the best of it’s kind on either FaceBook or the Internet to discover and access available resources to assist SPECIFICALLY in RECOVERY and EMPOWERMENT from narcissistic abuse.

There are many free resources to support members. Currently it’s a requirement that the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program be worked by the members (because this program alone leap frogs members through the recovery and empowerment journey like NOTHING else out there!) alone with any supplemental tools applicable per member to release the trauma and align with the confidence, relief and inner stability to create the member’s new life POWERFULLY.

Additionally, within the past year, a well thought out Code of Conduct had been created and set in place as necessary to abide by in order to ensure that members/posts don’t fall off track like they do in regular narcissistic abuse support groups.

Believe me I along with the veterans, Thrivers and even recent members have seen how ugly it can get quickly without monitoring, or the Code of Conduct being enforced! With the comparing/venting of ‘war stories’, going over and over the torment, bashing the narcissist, clashing of egos, triggers galore and more… Some new members may find this initially disturbing, controlling or unfair.

However, members that were/are truly committed, determined to recover, and who are sick and tired of the pain and struggles, welcome this without question – because the results do create stand out healing and recovery.

 

Debbie, what suggestions would you give to people who are long suffering (as you have been), or who are just starting their recovery journey?

NEVER EVER give up hope or give up either on yourself or towards a better way of life!  Realize that recovery from prolonged or the long term affects from domestic, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse trauma is doable whether it happened in the past or yesterday, no matter what age you start your journey, or how continuous or horrific your pain has been.

However, it does not happen overnight or quickly. It takes focusing on YOU (probably your first time doing for and focusing on you instead of others or outside of yourself), time, effort and work, along with any supplemental self-help techniques or therapies as appropriate for the individual!

Along your journey you will make many steps forwards and backwards, but as long as you are committed to healing and growing, you will continue to move forwards…

Although I’ve always been proud of my intelligence, street smarts and life experiences, I was always totally in my head.  Without having done the NARP process of feeling into, naming and identifying my emotions along with the appropriate releases or shifts, I know for an absolute fact that I wouldn’t have recovered, nor do I know if I would be either mentally or physically here today…

Make ‘supporting yourself’ your mission – I can’t emphasize enough self care, self care and more self care along with nurturing of self!

 

I hope you have enjoyed Debbie’s Thriver Show, and please know Debbie would love to answer any comments and questions you may post below.