Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #20 Jill

Today I have a very important radio show that will resonate with many people in the community.

If you have suffered physical illness during or after your experience with a narcissist you are going to find this story incredibly enlightening and inspiring.

This story is one of an incredibly courageous lady who suffers many debilitating auto-immune illnesses – ulcerative colitis, arthritis, fibromyalgia, migraines and Multiple Sclerosis.

Jill suffers from extreme fatigue, and has no support with her 3 kids, and then all of this, naturally, was made so much harder as a result of the huge double-whammy of narcissistic abuse at the same time.

During this show we talk about many things including Jill’s life-changing realisation that really got her recovery journey moving forward.

We also discuss the transformations she made as a member of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and how they led her to start enjoying the simple pleasures of smiling, laughing and spending time with her kids…

And how this change in her reflected on her children and has transformed them as well.

I know you will enjoy this incredible show, and it will give you hope, if you too have suffered narcissistic abuse on top of crippling health conditions.

I’m so sorry but for some reason the skype connection had an echo – I apologise for that …

It didn’t sound like that at the time of recording, I could hear Jill perfectly – and the pre-test sounded fine … You know what it’s like with technology sometimes!

Unfortunately due to flying back to Melbourne, and a hectic schedule there was not time to re-record.

This interview is well worth listening to, you will need to concentrate … so please persist

When I do the follow up show with Jill, I will absolutely make sure we get the recording right, and that the echo isn’t there.

I have included below some of the notes that Jill originally sent me, regarding her story, which I wanted to do for people who may have trouble listening to the interview.

 

Jill’s Story

My father was a narcissist. Rich, powerful and unrelenting. For as long as I can remember, I started each day so anxious, I’d gag until I vomited bile. It felt normal to do that.

It’s no surprise that I married a narcissist. The type of the love he gave me in the beginning was so powerful and intense that I felt worshiped. I needed that kind of love. I needed that help with my anxiety. I needed someone to “save me” (from myself). Of course, that’s the biggest mistake anyone can ever make and, for that, I paid dearly.

I always dreamed of easily balancing a big career and a wonderful family. My visions were unrealistic, even in the best case scenario, but I subscribed to the idea that I could attain anything I aspired to. I am the first female in my extended family to go to college and the only female to attend graduate school. I wanted it all, but had no guidance regarding how to do it all at the same time.

My daily adversary was my own psyche telling me I couldn’t do it. There were many days when my anxiety plagued me, especially early in the morning when I thought about the day ahead. The fighter in me would compel my body to move through the fear one step at a time. I was so familiar with angst, that I thought the feelings were normal. I wasn’t going to let doubts and fear of imminent peril get in the way of fulfilling my professional goals.

In 1990, during the first semester of my first year of law school, I got Ulcerative Colitis. I had never heard of that disease or of the horrific symptoms accompanying it. One afternoon, I was reading on my couch and suddenly overcome with a horrific, sharp pain inside my gut. It felt like someone was stabbing and twisting my guts with a knife. I fell off the couch, rolling in agony. I was sweating and panting to catch my breath. Then, as suddenly as it arrived, it disappeared. That was the beginning of a 24 year battle with invisible illnesses.

I didn’t know what was wrong. It was coming and going and the triage nurses said I was just stressed out. But stress doesn’t cause severe bleeding and feeling faint, did it? I experienced stress which felt like nauseating vertigo, but never stabbing pain. I started doubting myself and my feelings. Maybe I WAS overreacting.  What kind of flu came and went like that? Because I kept leaving the hospital when the episode subsided, it took several weeks to get diagnosed. More than once, I pulled the IV out of my own arm so I could get back to my classes. After 7 hospitalizations, I was finally diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis – an irritable bowel disease (different and more severe than IBS). There weren’t many available medications and I was given sulfa drugs and pain medications.

I was doing poorly in law school. I refused to consider that severe illness was to blame and instead turned inward. Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for law school. In the past, I had been so smart and done so well with very little effort. Maybe I should drop out.

A friend suggested I get a tutor and introduced me to the N. He was older than me, smart, dorky and hated law school. He came from a long line of attorneys and his father completed his law school application for him, insisting he attend law school. He didn’t have friends – in fact people actively disliked him, but I didn’t know that then. I didn’t really want his help, but he was persistent and I wanted to stay in law school.

A few months later, I ended a serious relationship (I had been in a series of serious relationships since I was 15 years old). I surprised myself by agreeing to date him. He was persistent – showing up at my apartment, fixing things for me, making himself indispensable. I was being heavily pursued and he was fixing all the things in my life that needed fixing.

N told me he wanted/needed to be exclusive. It was a whirlwind, intense lovefest. I always had tons of friends and social events. He started to complain that I wasn’t spending enough time with him. I always included him in my plans, but still…he wanted me all to himself.

N graduated before me and couldn’t find a job. Actually, he was recruited by the nation’s top firms but he was abrasive during the interviews, so he didn’t get any job offers. He thought he was too good for jobs with smaller firms and ended up moving in with his parents. That should have been a red flag. I was still in law school and working 20 hours a week as a law clerk. I was battling/ignoring UC and migraines. I had excruciating pain in my hips and spine. N’s parents lived 3.5 hours away and he didn’t like to come to the law school, because he had “bad memories.” His parents called me begging me to visit him and get him off their couch. They thought he was depressed and there was suicide in his family.

So, I adjusted my work schedule to have 4 day weekends and I drove back and forth through the snowy roads to be with him in his childhood room. It was weird. But the thought of being without him felt devastating.  Also, he had been there for me during my turmoil. I am a fiercely loyal girl. I’d never turn away from someone I love. I didn’t realize I was losing myself.

After we moved in together, strange things happened. N didn’t have a job. He called his dad for money, used his dad’s credit cards, bought lavishly, and stayed home while I worked. We argued because I thought he should just get any job. He wanted a top job! It seemed crazy.

During that time, I was losing a lot of weight and blood. I often felt dizzy and nauseated. When I told N about this, he said I was just stressed out. I wanted him to validate my experience. Instead of getting the medical attention I clearly needed, I was still deeply humiliated by my bodily functions and didn’t even like discussing issues with my doctor.

Also, I was a Type A overachiever and N enabled me to keep ignoring the problem. The severe pain came and went, and I began to think I was overreacting as N said I was. I completely doubted my judgment and relied on him to tell me how I felt.

He finally got a job that he didn’t like. I made more money. He would get angry about things that happened weeks or months ago.

We decided to wait a few years to start a family and used our wedding money plus all of MY savings on our business. N bought new computers and luxury items, including expensive watches and clothes, calling them “business expenses.”

A few months after we married, my 16 year old brother was killed in a car accident. My world was rocked and I fluctuated between sadness and fury. Shortly after my brother’s death, I became pregnant with our son. Although unplanned, we were overjoyed and I worked part time and took primary care of the baby. Even though N worked full time, I earned more money than he did at our firm, but he was the only one keeping a balance sheet. Money soon became tight because N didn’t curtail his spending and we fought about that. N said he needed the things to make him feel better about his life.

I had an extremely difficult pregnancy because of UC. I took birth control, but got pregnant with our daughter when our son was 13 months old! Seriously ill, I was unable to gain weight and was told by doctors that I had improper absorption and the Pill was ineffective!

With two babies and financial struggles, communication became excruciating. N would disregard me, saying I was “emotional” or he didn’t like my tone. He took a job with a law firm and simultaneously continued to run our business. I longed for the love and connection we used to have. I napped when the kids napped. I told my doctors I felt fine, even though I was profusely bleeding. I missed doctor’s appointments or I brought the kids to procedures gasping “mommy is ok” through the pain.

My joints were excruciatingly painful; it hurt to lie in bed. N was unable to come home from work to help me, so I scheduled physical therapy at night. His job took priority over all of us and I was okay with that since I was a team player. I certainly didn’t understand codependency other than in the context used for substance abusers.

The winters were long and cold and I was diagnosed with Spondyloarthropathy, arthritis that stems from bowel disease. The medical facilities were understaffed and not nearly as good as the area we’d left behind.

I was a stay at home mother and N berated me saying I did nothing all day and I wasn’t very bright. I fruitlessly tried to prove all the wonderful things I was doing. He didn’t earn enough money for daycare and he refused to miss work or put his career on hold to “babysit.” He came home late, hiding at work. I started a craft business and sold my products internationally. I made money for extras, taught my kids about inventory and business, and never missed a day with them. The kids and I created a logo using crayons.  I was proud of my work, then doubted myself as he chastised me for “wasting my brain on a joke of a career.”

I got sicker and became routinely dizzy.I was a slave to the toilet and severely anemic. The effort from taking a shower made me need to lie down dripping wet, wrapped in towels, and nap for an hour. I didn’t have the energy to walk to the end of the driveway to get the trash bins or the mail. N hid at work, coming home between 10:30 and midnight, long after the kids were in bed. He complained he worked hard at his JOB and couldn’t be burdened taking out trash or cleaning. That was my “domain.” Getting the mail made me anxious because I didn’t have the energy to pay the bills, and I didn’t have the funds either. I’d have to ask N for extra money and always undercut the amount we needed, because he’d be angry.

I required a blood transfusion. N refused to take me telling me to “stop wasting everyone’s time with my imaginary ailments.” I looked good by societal standards because I was thin. However, I was too thin and my complexion was grey. I kept trying to explain me to him, but he got emotionally further away. I was lonely and isolated. The N’s 80 year old grandmother took me to the blood transfusion and watched my one year old daughter run around the waiting room. I called N from the transfusion (an IV) and he asked how I could talk to him while being cut open! I was so hurt that he thought I was having major surgery and didn’t come.

I brought N to meet my 3 specialized doctors. Ideally, surgery would “cure” me of UC and the arthritis stemming from it. It would take two separate, grueling surgeries and there were no guarantees. N argued with doctors, telling them I don’t eat well, I haven’t tried yoga, maybe I should go to the gym, I was anxious. They calmly explained his wife was very ill and something needed to be done or I’d hemorrhage or get toxic colon. During the drive home, N told me I bullied the doctors into getting my way. He told me I wasn’t that sick and I thrived on attention! With great trepidation, I scheduled the first surgery.

My mom came to be with me, and help me with the kids when I had the surgery. The surgery took over 6 hours. I asked my Mum for N when I woke up.

My mom told me he didn’t feel well, so he went home. He didn’t come back until the next day as I struggled to learn how to care for the ostomy. I made excuses for N, thinking he simply wasn’t good with the sickness part of the “in sickness and in health” vows. If I could just get him to understand me and how difficult illness was, he’d be supportive and stop berating me.

After 3 months, I had a second surgery to reverse the ostomy, using my small intestine to fulfill the large intestines’ responsibilities. I felt better than I had in years, though I was now in the bathroom every 2-3 hours. It took me 2 years to claw my way back to relative health and only need an hour nap daily. But the arthritis raged with a vengeance and there were days I had difficulty moving at all because everything hurt.

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and put on immunosuppresants to reduce arthritis inflammation. An overactive immune system was destroying my body, but no immune system left me dangerously susceptible to everything.

N screamed that I made no money, but left me to fend for myself and the kids after he got me sick. He made it difficult for me to get medical care, refusing to help with the kids and finding fault with me for every little thing. When I felt a bit better and got dressed to go out with friends, he’d say, “ohhh nowww you feel well! When it’s time to get a job you’re sick, but you’re well for fun times.”

I was blamed for all of his shortcoming; his weight issues, his stress at work, his lack of free time. He rolled his eyes, walked away when I talked to him, and still lived off his parents’ credit cards. He cycled between yelling at me, stonewalling and passion. I noticed his love was cyclical. We’d have Friday night fights and he’d say, “Now you’ve ruined the weekend.” Monday mornings, he’d be kind and sweet. When I responded well to him, he’d ask, “Why can’t you always be nice like this?” I’d beg him for dates and time together.  I was convincing him to love me! I sought his approval about everything. What should I wear? How did I look? Did I really feel sick? I looked to him for validation I never received.

In fact, N was aggressively cruel. “Jill you purposely choose ugly friends so you can feel prettier than you actually are.” I was stunned. I thought my friends were gorgeous and I thought I was pretty too. He systematically knocked me down. Several times he screamed at me in a restaurant about how my ego disgusted him and he’d storm out leaving me at the table. He told me he “was irritated and exhausted proving his love over and over to me.” I ended up in therapy questioning why it was so difficult to love me.

I got pregnant with our third child. N screamed at me that I “got myself knocked up” and I “had no business having another child” I was devastated and we fought the entire pregnancy. He became extremely demanding about sex. I hid in the bathroom rather than be intimate with him. My health deteriorated and I needed 12 IV infusions to sustain the pregnancy. He came to none of them. I scheduled them when the other kids were in school, so I wouldn’t interfere with anyone’s schedule.

The fights got more dramatic. N would slam out of the house and call me from the car to discuss his feelings. When I was preoccupied with the kids and couldn’t give him attention, he upped the ante. He routinely threatened to move out. At first, I hysterically cried with my infant in my arms, but I got used to his antics and told him to leave.

I found flirtatious emails between N and a woman we hired years ago. I questioned him about them. He said they were friends and she lived in a different state. I was very upset and asked him not to talk to her again. He agreed. Months later, I found an email from her advising him to leave his bad marriage. I was no longer a rationally thinking person. I emailed her directly attacking her character and demanding she stay away from N.

She immediately contacted N and he called me, still denying wrongdoing. My anxiety went into overdrive. I’m not jealous by nature, but I was compelled to get out of bed in the middle of the night and snoop through his phone, email, car and wallet. I felt violated. My world was spinning. My dorky, overweight husband was cheating?!? His “work nights” were a lie? I was home, struggling for my health and caring for 3 young children while he philandered?!? N admitted to an emotional affair, but said it was my fault for not meeting his needs! Later, he admitted to infidelity.

N’s salary stayed at poverty level all these years, yet one day, I was looking for a pen and reached into a suit coat pocket hanging in the closet. I found $1,000 cash! This time, I kept it. I looked in the same coat pocket several times over the next 3 months and found 7 packets of $1,000. I said nothing to N. He told me he thought his secretary was stealing and he set up a webcam to “catch” his secretary. He told so many lies to so many people, he couldn’t keep them straight.

I told him I had the money and refused to give it back. The secretary quit. I paid all of the bills and bought all household items. N castigated me for the smallest purchases, like a sandwich, while he bought whatever he wanted, lying about the source. I paid a divorce attorney with the cash I found.

I wish I could say that was the end, that I got a divorce; but sadly, it’s not. N alternated between calling me constantly and ignoring me. He saw the kids sporadically. He fell back in love with me and missed me. I was scared about the future. I was surprised I missed him too. I felt addicted to him, my entire life was wrapped up in him. I thought the passion was what love was, just as portrayed in the movies. I asked how he could behave so cruelly if he loved me. He replied he was “trying on different personalities.”  What a crazy thing to do!

We got back together on the condition we’d buy a different house. We relocated, but the honeymoon didn’t last long. The lassitude became severe and I spent days in bed. The kids joined me, eating meals, playing, doing homework. I worked from bed and authored a children’s book. I had to cancel appointments and couldn’t meet all my book signing engagements.

Crushing migraines, vision loss and numbness held me prisoner in my body. Lassitude kept me from walking to the bathroom adjoined to my bedroom. Often, I’d crawl, making jokes for the sake of my kids. N moved out of the bedroom so he could sleep well. My babysitter cared for the kids and me when we suffered from the flu for months. I continued taking chemo and medications, but the flare was so strong, I felt paralyzed.

I was miserable. I couldn’t believe I was STILL married to this jerk. Now, I had no way to leave. I couldn’t even consistently walk! Then, I slowly got better. This time, I took every ounce of courage and energy to leave. It was a medical and financial freefall. I take enormous pride in my parental responsibilities and I became resourceful without resources. I learned to honor my body and cautiously dole out my daily energy.

I finally got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and have received an outpouring of support from the community and national society.  I take amphetamines for energy and couldn’t be prouder of my kids. They are smart, empathetic and kind. We laugh a lot and accept all of our limitations. I suffer from poor word recall, forgetfulness and muscle weakness. I take many medications, including daily MS shots and arthritis/UC chemo infusions every 6 weeks.

The sicker I got, the less I could work. After 3 years of court litigation, I was awarded alimony, custody and the house. However, a different judge determined that he didn’t have to pay child support, believing his claim I sabotaged his relationship with the kids. As usual, he took no responsibility for his actions.

We were on welfare, used the food shelf and scrambled for cash monthly to pay the utility bill collectors. I didn’t have money to move out of our house. I pawned jewelry, stood in subzero lines for charity to keep the heat on. I poured gas from my mower into the car. My kids ate free school lunch while N played Santa Daddy. I couldn’t pay for any extras and we had to grovel to him for everything.

Immediately after separating, I dated a man who jumped in to help and immediately wanted to get married. My mind came to a screeching halt! “Wait! You’re getting unmarried because you were recused from yourself! You’ve got to walk this road alone.” I knew I needed to work through my issues and finally figure out what I wanted out of life. Money was my issue. I grew up with too much, then had nothing. I felt worthless because my contributions were nonmonetary.

I had to tap into my creativity and resourcefulness. I had to find the Jill I lost. I had to come to terms with accepting myself for all I am not as well as all that I am. I stopped dating and instead made lots of friends. I reached out for help, and proudly stood in the food shelf line.

I found love and support money could never buy. I’ve learned humility and can never unknow what I’ve seen about others’ suffering. For that, I am a better person. I cannot control what others do, but I can take pride in providing for my children. We had no money for camps, so my older kids made money by running a morning camp from my home. When I can’t cook dinner, we make sandwiches. When I can’t do the laundry, I don’t. It’s that simple. I wanted to stop feeling guilty for my shortcomings. I needed to walk the road.

In April 2013, I read the novel, Gone Girl and immediately recognized my life in the story! I researched sociopaths and narcissism and soon found your site. I was extremely interested in others’ stories; they were so much like mine! I was flooded with relief to learn there are predictable patterns to this behavior! I don’t have a victim mentality, but I was barely existing, let alone thriving.

At first, I read articles and listened to radio shows. I love the early stuff where you keep saying that analysis alone isn’t enough. Even though you have a money-back guarantee, I had no money. I was broken and broke. I emailed you part of my story and you suggested NARP modules for me. I decided it was time to work on my health, mental health included.

Even though I’m more logical than spiritual, and didn’t believe in energy shifts, your work makes sense at a logical level. People treat us the way we tell them to and if I didn’t believe in myself, how could I expect anyone else to believe in me? I felt like a burden to others because of my physical limitations and emotional exhaustion. I didn’t just suffer from narcissistic abuse, I had limiting beliefs because of medical issues.

I couldn’t get through an entire NARP module without falling asleep. It was emotionally exhausting to uncover layers of hurt and unbelievable to discover what I believed about myself. I did however, start to feel incredible relief even after the very first shift.

I learned my narcissistic father, codependent mother and abusive upbringing made me prey for the N. Emotionally, I looked to others to tell me what to believe about myself. My autoimmune system derailed the life plans I had for myself. My anxieties exacerbated my need for outside validation.

The NARP shifts say and direct you to embody, “You just have to remember who you are.” That is immensely helpful because I am the same girl who finds solutions where there appear to be dead-ends. I just forgot who I am. I am the empowered girl who researched a solution for fatal UC. I’m the woman who teaches her children from her bed. I’m the person who does whatever it takes to care for her kids. And I have nothing to be ashamed of!

The letting go process in NARP made me FEEL my fulfillment in life is about love and evolution, not about career, status or money. It’s one thing to logically know that information. It’s another to feel it as REAL.

Shifting those values is essential to my healing. Focusing on all I am instead of all I’m not is crucial. Your interviews about empowering our children were inspirational. It instantly clicked that I needed to heal myself in order to be the mommy I want to be. I’ve always told my there’s nothing they can’t do. I needed to lead by example.

Being trapped in my body has limited many things I can do with my life. It has also brought some unexpected blessings.  My body has forced me to slow down and enjoy quality over quantity. I have undoubtedly spent more time with my kids than I would ever have with a high powered career. I’m an author, lawyer, professor and tutor. I am raising 3 amazing human beings. Most importantly, I have a lot of value and no longer need anyone. Wanting is very different than needing and everything I need is already inside of me – just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. 

The NARP program changed my self-perception of letting others down due to my medical limitations into knowing that my nonmonetary contributions are worth more than any money could ever buy. Character and decency aren’t saleable traits. I loved my exhusband with my entire soul and I don’t regret a single thing. I now know my judgment is not flawed. He was exactly what I needed when I needed it. I needed to be with him in order to experience the joy of all I could be. Now, it’s time to move forward and only I have the power to change my life.

 

I hope you are as inspired by Jill’s story as much as I am …

If you are interested in joining the NARP community, click here for all the information on how to join.

Please leave your questions and comments below and Jill and myself will be happy to respond.