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I hope you have been enjoying my new “thriver” recovery series on Empowered Love Radio.

I have been getting amazing feedback!

It is beautiful to hear that so many people are benefiting from hearing stories from other people that have gone through what they are going through, and how they have come out the other side.

If you are new to New Life newsletter I send emails with a new “thriver” recovery story every few weeks to help inspire you to recover and transform your life.

This is the story of Frifth, a lady in her 50’s who has undergone a miraculous transformation in her life.

You will hear how despite the high levels of love and support she contributed to her marriage, how she suffered desertion, being left in her times of surgical need and how she was ultimately discarded.

Frith’s story is truly incredible and one that many people who invested a great deal of effort, love and resources into narcissistic relationships can relate to.You will be inspired to learn how Frith turned all of this around, and how she is now a beautiful, radiant lady fully enjoying and claiming her life.

You can read the transcript of the show below…

Please tell the listeners about your relationship with the narcissist

I first met him 18 years ago at a friends, his brother who I had known for 2 years lived next door. He was charming, good looking and interested in me. It took a few months for the relationship to get started though he tried hard, because I was often away or home visiting in New Zealand.

After a few months we got together and I thought ‘WOW why would he be interested in me?’

As it is for so many – the relationship had all the warning signs to start with. At our first date he never turned up, as he had been arrested for drink driving. I felt sorry for him and on it went. He was funny, and different to other men I had met in America. I thought he was creative and sweet. His brother tried to warn me that he was unreliable and irresponsible and of course I didn’t want to take any notice.

After going out for a few months we moved in together to his place. It was filthy and in disarray and I cleaned it up. I sorted out his debts as well.  He had his own business and spent a lot of time working, and I really didn’t mind. Then he got arrested for drink driving again. I went to a counselor as I was sick of the drinking and I gave up any social drinking. That started the first of many things I gave up for him.

His family, especially mum and his sister tolerated me at best but never seemed to approve of me no matter how much I did for them. They too had grandiose visions of who they were, which I realize now was simply hiding the truth.

The relationship continued, and we visited New Zealand together. He stated he would like to live there so I bought a house in New Zealand, not in my area, but where he wanted to live, and paid it off whilst living in America. We proceeded with endless paper work to get him into the country complicated by his background arrests.

His brother became terminally ill and I encouraging him to spend time with him and I helped look after him. My sister in law had a double mastectomy at the same time, so I helped take care of both of them. It was a long hard 18 months of granting endless support. I had a job that often saw me working 60 hours a week, and I was exhausted. His brother died and a few months later I came back to New Zealand to visit for a break, during which time he started an affair.

A week or so after I returned to America he left a note one night to say that he was away for the weekend and would come by on Monday and explain it all. This was 2 days after our first wedding anniversary. I knew it was a woman and he didn’t turn up on the Monday despite promising to. I had to call him for him to confront me. He told me he was leaving me for another woman. He had also taken my dog with him. I collapsed in absolute shock and grief and could not work for two weeks I was so distressed.

He was with this woman for 3 weeks and then he wanted to come back. I didn’t let him, and he lived at his mother’s for a few months. Then we went to counseling and eventually got back together.

You discovered at this time of great pain some information about your inner patterns. What were they?

During this time I discovered a book called Will I Never Be Good Enough about daughters of narcissistic mothers which resonated with my soul. I realized this related to my experience with my narcissistic mother, but I was still missing the parallels with my husband.

Later after reading the book I clearly saw that I was never enough for mum and finally later realized how it all tied in to the relationship with my husband as well. I tried to be the peace maker both at home and in the relationship. I was taught to ignore myself and look after others. I became a nurse as well, so my needs were never important, and I was always trying to please everyone else. I was the naughty child not because of what I did but because of my imagination and vibrancy which had to be tamed. I felt like I was not allowed to be ‘myself’.

I had learnt to stuff any emotions I had down with food. I was an overweight teased child and became a serial yo yo dieter and my body tormented me too regarding what I never learnt to express, and the beliefs that I could never do enough, and never be good enough. I became a very high achiever. I pushed myself to get more education, and be better and get approval – yet I still felt that I was never enough.

I have spent my life running away from myself – I see that now. I have travelled extensively and lived my life away from New Zealand for most of my life from ages 21-54.

With Mum there was always someone else better and prettier and brighter. With my ex husband I was punished for anything I tried to do. He was incredibly jealous and critical of any achievement I ever created.

After he and I got back together there were a series of illnesses in his family. I stayed and assisted including the death of his father. My husband then got ill. He had elective surgery for bowel polyps, and I went into the hospital and there was copious black fluid in the sink. When I asked him what was going on he said the cleaners had done it. He in fact was vomiting it up. His bowel was completely twisted. He nearly died. If I wasn’t a nurse he would not have survived at all.

After all of this I was exhausted with his family and all the sicknesses, and I wanted to move back to New Zealand.

When did the marriage with him start to really crumble?

We moved to New Zealand 2 years ago, a long plan that had been in the making for 8 years…and that’s when the crumble started. I guess I was doing something I wanted for myself after supporting him financially for years. I got a job easily, and it was the first one I applied for. He was incredibly jealous.

I had my money separate from him as he was not financially responsible, and he owed the tax department huge amounts. He hated working for anyone and had a hard time getting work. I was not bothered but he was. He had to fill his life up, and I realized he hated any time by himself and that was becoming more and more evident.

He became depressed and went on antidepressants within a few months of arriving. He said he missed his family though made no attempt to call them often or skpye our grandchildren and his daughter after I set it up for him to do so.

It was like he indulged in a pity party and there were many ‘poor me’ episodes. He would say “I can’t get a good job”, and no-one was showering him with compliments anymore. He was being spoken down to by authorities where he worked part time. He became moody, distant, started monitoring me incessantly, listening in to my phone conversations and become very defensive and paranoid and then silent.

I realized just how unhealthy my relationship with him was compared to the other ‘normal’ relationships in my life.

He found enjoyable work hard to get, nowhere to hide and play and no skills to cope with it all. He was unraveling and it became a highly stressful household. He went back to America to see his family and his then elderly mum in her late nineties offered him cash to stay there as she was mad at him for leaving, and I think there may have been other agreements made regarding her will and his obligations to his sister if anything happened to her. He came back to New Zealand silent and secretive and I do not know what was said at all.

While he was gone I started investigating the possibility of having weight loss surgery and asked him to come to an information evening with me. He seemed very supportive at the time but was drinking in secret and making numerous calls to America. I strongly felt that something was going on.

I went ahead and booked surgery after the information evening. Then his mum died and I asked should I cancel, and he stated he wouldn’t return to America until the will was read. Then three days before surgery he up and left for America. Some weeks later he emailed me and said he needed to live in America.

I had to call and ask if that meant he was done with me, he said ‘Yes”.  He never gave any reasons and said he still loved me.

Frith in July 2012 (3 days after he left)

Six weeks later he returned to New Zealand to pack up his things. It was meant to be three weeks, but he delayed speaking of medical problems, but I have no idea if any of that was true. During this time I needed major shoulder surgery from a fall I had, and I had no support from him whatsoever. I asked when he arrived in New Zealand if he loved me so much why he didn’t ask me to go with him. He said he realized what family meant now and could not ask me to go. He was magnanimous to everyone he knew here and terrible to me in the two weeks he was back. He wanted to be remembered as the good guy by all.

He would not give me any explanations and never will. His sister apparently detested me, and I lost all contact with his family.

When did you start getting some answers about what had really happened?

I had started bargaining with myself in my grief and telling myself that if my life ended now I had done the things I had wanted to and that would be okay. I had decided that we were going through a really hard time but I was married and worked at those vows. Apparently I was the only one who did, and I thought somehow we would get past it.

I had not accepted the relationship was over – but it did need to change. The silence could not last any longer.

Before starting the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program I was stressed to the max, my blood pressure had been going up and up, I had been diagnosed as a diabetic, and I was having chest pain daily. I felt like a mess.

It was while he was in America and ignoring me that I was looking for information trying to understand the family and your website popped up and my life exploded in front of my eyes.

It was a huge ‘OMG moment’ and I had a pure thirst to learn more and more.

This is when I began my very fast journey to ‘come back to me’. I bought the NARP program in September 2012 and worked hard at it. I did the MP3s over and over. The understanding and healing started to take place very quickly.

Because I had already done a lot of self-help in my life I think that accelerated myself through this amazing transition to ME.

How long is it now since he left? How is your life now?

I can’t believe that its only seven or eight months since he left, my contact has been minimal to get through the divorce process which is finally ending, and then the stamp of non-contact will be sealed and I am really looking forward to it.

I am healed physically and more importantly emotionally. Today I can sit and write this whilst loving myself.

It’s like the shame of the outside had gone and the inside is whole and I have come to meet it.

I am excited about my life, living in a town where I know very few people but have immersed myself in new groups. I’ve been out sailing with a woman’s group, and went black water tubing a few weeks ago. Meeting and getting to know new people is a joy. They have no idea who I may have been as the old broken Frith, so I can just be myself. Invitations are flowing in and it feels great.

The last two blogs you have written Melanie have been really important to me, I think it is like the outside and inside have come to meet each other, along with reading The Untethered Soul recently. It’s like I GET IT ALL, I can be peaceful and let things flow through me now. I can observe but not attach and know what the “gift” really is. And all of this has been an incredible gift.

The journey to me has been amazing. It has been very up and down, but I do truly get that we have a choice minute by minute as to what vibration we choose for ourself.

It was incredibly tough at first – the initial concept of never seeing or hearing from him again after all the years we had together. And I worked the modules in NARP many times over and over in order to heal and make peace with it.

Having the shoulder reconstructive surgery after he left, was in itself a gift as I had the necessary time off in order to focus exclusively on working on myself.

He said he wanted to be friends and I bought it initially. Then I was reminded that I should never be accepting a ‘friend’ who is capable of treating me like he had – so I chose to not continue a friendship with him.

For me the more I understood narcissism and owned the part I played in the relationship, the more I saw I had a choice about ‘where to from here’. It was like peeling an onion one layer at a time, as I examined me, and what a true relationship to myself and another person would feel like.

I learnt about boundaries and started practicing them. Sometimes it still feels awkward, but I am determined to get my life right – because I know it is all about me. I now know that loving me means honoring me.

I love that I love me, and that I can go meet a new bunch of people and feel really good about who I am. I no longer have the old anxiety about trying to be accepted and trying to earn approval.  I just see it all as practice, and the more I do it the easier it has become. I still read lots of information, I enjoy learning, staying positivity and sourcing pearls of wisdom.

I tend to read things about love and life way more than anything else and am amazed how I got to be 56 before I “got” what life could be.

I have stated for most of the journey in the NARC Facebook Recovery Group that my story is not that important. Really I still think like that, we have all been through it. Really I attach the importance to where life can go once we know we can heal. That is why I wanted to commit to working the program and trusting the process. Being stuck, and continuing to feel stuck was not a choice I wanted to make.

I have always looked for solutions in life, and I now wish that one day I will get to fully experience a loving relationship with a partner before I die. That is the only thing really on my bucket list. For now I am more than enough for me right now, and I know I need to be this to myself in order to create a truly loving, healthy relationship with a partner in the future.

I see now that I entered into my narcissistic relationship with unhealed parts. I offered in this relationship a high level of intelligence, financial stability, compassion, integrity, honesty and love for him but not for myself. I really have had to look hard at me to heal that wee girl within and see her as perfect just as she is and make sure that she is always loved and looked after by myself.

If I do that intentionally every day I am everything I need to be. I am generous and compassionate, and I have high integrity. I know the way I was and what the relationship was did not serve my truth.

Now I can move on and just be MORE, live my life for REAL and love the ride attached to no particular experience or outcome. This has created a wonderful peace for me.

 Frith in February 2013 (6 months after he left)

What words of advice would you give to the people who are going through this, or who are yet to get out and know they need to?

I just think they need to read Mel’s website and buy the NARP Program and work and work and work at it. I think you have to want it though. You have to commit to wanting to heal. I am lucky, I have a huge gratitude list that I write about regarding the support and the people that I have in my life. But ultimately no-one else could do the work for me. You need to know no-one else can do it for you. I had to do it for myself – and I really, really GET that now.

The program is invaluable and it is the freedom and liberation that comes from it. I remember doing a particular Module and thinking ‘Yes I am absolutely free! – I have got my life back to me’.

I can be anyone I want to be now – I mean I am me still, but now I can put myself in any situation in life and be happy to just experience it. I am not saying I don’t make mistakes and sometimes I say the wrong things.  I just see it as practice now. I don’t have any attachment to right and wrong anymore.

 

I hope you have enjoyed Frith’s story.

Please know Frith will answer any questions or posts that you would like her to on this blog.

 

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99 thoughts on “Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #3 Frith

  1. You look beautiful, far beyond you did before 3 days after he left! Truly like Melanie says, this relationship is a make or break for all of us!!
    I am in the process. I just cant believe living stress free!! I sleep eat, i passed a major exam that i failed while living with the narcissist and now am back on the treadmill..!! I want to be transformed from inside out FOREVER!!!

    That is my gift to claim like Melanie always tells us!!

    Love You all,
    Rachel

    1. Yes the gift is truly great isn’t it and each day gets better it seems. Know what you mean like the exam thing i interviewed for a job while he was here did badly, reinterviewed a few months after him leaving and got in, now a bigger one in the possibilty place…life is great when we “get” it.aroha frith

      1. Hi Frith
        Your strength is so inspiring! This post was now 7 years ago…so just wondering how you are going now with life?
        Would love to hear an update 💛

    2. OMG, RACHEL! I failed a major exam, too! I was kicked out of our home 7 days before a high stakes exam which I missed by mere points b/c I was emotionally drained & upset. I had never failed anything in my life (like that, anyway) and it really was the wake up call. I was able to take care of him and be a successful career woman for many years…until this major personal failure which put me back more than 6 months in my new career. Thanks for sharing. You just confirmed again why I have maintained no contact. Love ya, Girl. And, yes, living stress-free is such a gift and a personal choice!

      1. Just saw your response today Melissa!!!!!Wohoo to freedom and wake up calls! I desire miracles and true freedom just as i wish you do!!!! blessings to you my friend!!!

  2. FRITH!!!!You are absolutely lovely. I’ve been waiting to see your pics! Good for you. I related to so much of what you shared in terms of healing physically. I find I’m getting stronger and not needing to eat emotionally so much anymore. I’m no longer twisted in knots and dealing with the anxiety which in turn caused physical problems. It really is so much better isn’t it? Congradulations….you look great!

    1. it is truly amazing EVY, isn’t it..peace is a great place, i love the flow of life these days..thanks for your support xxx

  3. Congratulations Firth-you look totally AMAZING ! And not a day over 35 ! Your emotional healing seems to have been as successful as your physical healing ! Well done girl-you are an inspiration to us all !

    1. thanks so much and it is so much more about the inside, not that I am complaining about my body transforming at all. The pyschologist at the surgery center said to me 4 months post op that I was talking about food as fuel rather than something to stuff down emotions…it was never about food, it is about love..i get that so much these days, much love xx

  4. Frith you are an amazing woman. You have dedicated this last 6 months to your healing and look at the results. You must feel truly amazing! I can completely relate to your story. After being with my Narc husband for 28 years, I finally split with him 4 months ago. I also have lost weight, eat healthier foods, exercise daily, and friends say that I look younger than before. I know that’s because I’m getting in touch with my inner self, my true self. I really admire you sharing your story with Mel’s blog readers because it’s so inspirational. I feel even the more inspired to keep moving forward on this journey. I’m like you in that I listen to Mel’s MP3’s night after night. Even if I fall asleep while listening to them I’m aware that my subconscious keeps working on my healing while I’m in dream state. I’m 48 years old and also know how my marriage to my NARC husband has completely made me reevaluate my boundaries for a new loving relationship. I will continue to send you my energy Frith for your destiny to fulfill that bucket list dream. Much happiness to you for the future 🙂

    1. Thanks so much oh i so believe if it’s meant for me it will be..right now i am happy doing my stuff and enjoying my new life…thanks for your comments. We are all here i think to grow and evolve in whatever way we are meant to on this journey xx

  5. What a transformation you have made. I am just embarking and even though I feel much more strong than the first time I left him, and there is a no contact order, his plan to destroy me and my family has been successfully set in place. How can you find the strength to persavere when all seems so hopeless?

    1. Hi Sandra,

      truly it is when we do the inner work that the ‘outer’ does start turning around – regardless of what the narc is or isn’t trying to do.

      Many, many narcs set out (as pathological revenge) to make their exes lives extremely painful.

      When you start healing deeply from within it takes away the hooks, the fear, and the victimisation that keeps that energy held up – and in fact when you get into your true emotional power he will become powerless to hurt you.

      That is what the inner shift work of NARP is all about.

      I hope this helps, and grants you hope for your solution.

      Mel xo

  6. I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your story. Seeing the before and after photos just inspire me to get on with NARP after doing the first module twice. Your eyes are so clear and bright!

    1. I guess I turned inwards and realised I had choices and no longer wanted what I thought I had had. I was exhausted and beaten and I guess that voice inside just said no more. On facebook and twitter I signed up for inspirational quotes and each day that begins my life. There is so much good stuff out there and along with Mel’s amazing NARP Program it all just works. By choice and lots of self work..hard to put yourself first. I get that – and the more I tried the better it worked for me. Peace and love on the road ahead…it’s so worth it xx

    2. Thanks so much i feel like i can see clearly these days, and of course this was a photo shoot…but it is me and I am happy. The pic radiates that inner stuff it think for sure..aroha

  7. I thank you for Frith’s story—I too, needed surgery…..life or death, but was not allowed by the ex N,….because my recovery would RUIN his HOLIDAYS and SUMMER!…..my BAD…thank goodness, I had a AWESOME doctor and some DIVINE intervention,….cuz without the DIVINE intervention….I would NOT BE HERE…..as I am meant to be….for my children….NO matter what, the EVIL N……tried to do to me! Bless You Melanie….cuz without U? I do NOT know where I would be today, HONEST ENGINE…thank you! GOD BLESS!

    Thanks so much….it WAS DIVINE INTERVENTION, that I FOUND U……

  8. Your story resonates with me so much. I’m 55 and have just divorced my second narcissistic husband. I see myself clearly now after reading Melanie’s posts. I had understood the narcissists and their personality disorder but never truly understood my co dependance. ah ah’s keep happening as i see more clearly every day. Your story is inspirational and your new found sense of self love is what it’s all about. We don’t need permission to love ourselves. It’s our birth right! thankyou for sharing and you look radiant from the inside out…Love, Sharonx

    1. Hi Twan,

      They can certainly be a bit of both. Mine finally admitted to being diagnosed with ASPD as a child, when he saw the gig was up with me.

      Or maybe that was just another of the universe of lies that was his existence! Don’t know, don’t care anymore. My heart is free!

    2. Hi Twan,

      In regard to the ‘abuser’ personality disorders, really there are 3. Borderlines, narcissists and sociopaths…

      Many experts believe that borderlines and narcissists are closely related and that sociopaths are an entirely different ‘breed’..

      In my experience I believe it is common to have crossovers between at least two if not all three.

      To me the bottom line is a personality disordered abuser is ‘narcissistic’ meaning that due to disordered brainwiring there is a lack of empathy, personal responsibility or conscience in regard to the damage that actions cause to other people.

      The bottom line is, regardless of the label, personality disordered people create horrendous devestation to others.

      Mel xo

  9. Dear Frith, you are absolutely amazing! Your journey has brought a new hope to my self inflicted hopelessness, and a new sense of understanding to my own insecurities, again which comes from within, you also bring to me courage in the place of fear. Especially as I, like you felt that the marriage vows were to be permanent. ‘Until death us do part’ But if it is only one sided, and if inner death comes as a result of self sacrifice, then we only have one option, (LIVE!) Thank you so much for sharing your inspirational recovery. You look gorgeous, healthy and extremely fulfilled!!!!!

    1. you are very welcome, has been a great journey so far. The courage to take those steps and work the NARP Program are so worth it, lots of love on your journey xx

  10. My hairs stood up on my body when I saw the second picture!! That’s INCREDIBLE!! If someone showed me these pictures side by side, I would say that the old woman was your grandma!! Cheezes!! Good JOB!!!! Congratulations!!! I hope I get a job soon so I can buy the NARC program. Kisses and im looking forward to your future. It looks only bright.

  11. INSPIRATIONAL and AMAZING, how this story connects to ALL of us on this journey BACK to ourselves. I am soo inspired by your story Frith. My prayer for myself is to FIND the strength to finally leave this marriage and NEVER look back. It’s been mind-boggling to realize that another human being could be so calculating and malicious towards someone who truly loves them. It’s NOW time to LOVE myself, as Frith clearly shows. Best wishes to you Frith and blessings, because if you were not a nice person, it probably would not have happen to you to begin with. So the BEST to you in the future.

    1. thanks and enjoy your journey too, work at it really it is all about the “me” and the no looking back..scary at first but so much support and the wonderful Melanie and her Programs. They take us to a better place, and best of all quickly xx

  12. Soooo happy for you!! You are stunning!! You touched on having a narcissistic mother. Understanding the dynamics of this relationship and how it affects our dating lives/marriages was a huge part in my recovery, which is still in process. Thank you!

  13. So many of us need this recovery program …womens abuse is epidemic in our culture, even though we are supposedly civilised we haven’t been taught how to stand up to bullies

  14. You go girl!

    I am thrilled to see the beauty of your inside shining so brightly through to the outside as well!

    May someone special and deserving soon seek you out and not be intimidated by the intensity of your glow!

  15. Firth, your story is affirming and inspiring. The words you state and your photos show other people in similar situations that recovery is possible, and that we ARE worth it. Thank you so very much. And, BTW, your 6-mo “after” photo is AWESOME. I’ve been gone from my Narc (100% no contact) for several months and I’ve lost 25 pounds. My mom says I look younger, happier and back to the old me. Thank you for your story and for supporting NARP. As soon as I start my new job, it will be one of my first purchases. Much love, MP

    1. yep think that’s what photos portray well..happiness from the inside out. You can go get that – NARP it’s so worth it..xxx

  16. God bless you Yael, I do hope that you are able to participate with the program soon.

    Frith is living proof of how a recovery can be made, and I too now am enjoying my life more than I ever have at the age of 54. All a result of coming home to myself and living my truth.

    Frith and I are living proof that with education and the strategies taught by Melanie through the Narc program recovery is not just possible but wonderful.

    I cannot put into words just how much I cherish and value my life, a very different story from the depressive, anxious and fraught life I had led for 30 years. Yael continue to participate in these forums and read all you can from Melanie’s posts/blogs and research Melanie’s older listings, which is how I started to recover until I could afford to purchase the program. You will soon be looking forward to your own future….

  17. How amazing! Unless you look really closely at the two pictures you would not think that they are of the same woman. Frith, your inner light shines through in the second photo and you look absolutely radiant and beautiful. Bet you’re glad that you decided to do what you needed to heal your inner self. After a year and a half with my N ex-boyfriend I was exhausted so do not know how you managed to cope for so long. I felt as if I had lost all my joy and confidence and love of life. It was my second relationship with a N. Have realised the patterns now and am healing them. I really wish that you end up with the partner of your dreams like you said. You certainly deserve it. That is my dream too. Congratulations and may your life go from strength to strength now as I am sure it will.

  18. Frith & Melanie, thanks so much for sharing the joy in coming home. My heart cries “home” – my healing journey has not been successful, perhaps the missing ingredient is the wisdom in NC. Still living in a fog, hope this makes sense. Been given books on forgiveness & thought if only I could forgive, then the marriage & my heart could heal, didn’t work, my soul still aches & screams when he’s around. My question to you both is: can a person heal while still in a narc marriage? How important to your healing success was NC? Blessings to us all, bernie

    1. Hi Bernie,

      you are so very welcome 🙂

      It is very important to understand if your marriage is to a narcissist – then it will not heal. You will be abused regardless of what you do ‘become’…The ongoing abuse without is inevitable and unavoidable.

      There are people absolutely who have used NARP successfully whilst still being in the relationship, and as a result of healing through NARP they were able to leave and create their life as Frith has.

      Mel xo

  19. God bless you all. After living 34 years with my “narc” husband, I figured something was radically wrong with me to continue to let him treat me the way he did. It seemed that I had more love for him than I did for myself. I finally had the strength to leave my husband in December 2012. I literally left with the clothes on my back. My daughter led my wounded heart and mind out of our home. She told me NO CONTACT. It was the hardest thing I have ever done! I engulfed myself in research and was led to Melanie’s website. She spoke to my heart and I knew it was for me when I read it. I started the NARP course in mid March and am amazed at how quickly it is working, almost frightening. I know I was ready for the change. At the age of 60, it is time for me to be responsible for my own glorious life and I welcome it. Firth, I thank you for your story of confirmation that has inspired me and will inspire many. You look georgous! Melanie, your gift to us is so amazing! It feels so good and right to come home. I still have a ways to go but at least I’m on the way. I am thankful to everyone involved in helping me get back to my true self. Peace & Love

    1. Hi Julia,

      Wow – your story is incredibly inspirational – after such a long time married to a narc.

      I am so pleased that NARP has helped you so much – and it is very true that when we hit the bottom and have had ‘enough’ the only way is ‘up’.

      NARP absolutely helps by reaching deep into your subconscious healing to facilitate that ‘shift’. I am so thrilled you are ‘coming home’ – that truly makes my heart sing!

      Sooo gorgeous and divine, and you SO deserve this!

      Thank you for your lovely post Julia 🙂

      Mel xo

  20. Frith, like you, I became a nurse for the wrong reasons. I ended up hating that career because of how I was abused in it, also! I have heard that people choose nursing because they have co-dependent issues. Now, I believe that is more true than not. I applaud your accomplishments and your beautiful you taking such good care of you! I am curious as to whether you have stayed in nursing or moved on with another career venture….I left nursing seven years ago never to return. My narc background is also the same…it began with Mum. With my new knowledge from Mel’s Narc program I no longer put up with the lies…from anyone. Thank You for sharing your story. And to Bernie, yes, you can heal while in a narc marriage. I am. Another source that has benefitted me tremendously is The Peter Pan Syndrome and The Wendy Dilemma. There you will find some answers…I did.

    1. yes i am still a nurse, i have made it work for me really, i have travelled and flipped from one area to another and really actually loved it, i work for a fantastic organisation now …it fits for me now really well, and best of all it may have been the mum thing that triggered me to grow. But interestingly with understanding and boundaries in place as she nears the end of her life, there is huge peace for me in the realtionship with her being as healed.There is a certain amount of joy in being there and being strong these days

  21. Frith, thank you for sharing your beautiful and inspiring story! You look so radiant and happy, and a picture speaks a thousand words. 🙂

  22. Omg! the second pic left me with my mouth opening saying omg is this the same person!
    Thank you Frith and Mel for this amazingly inspiring story. Frith you really dont look over 35 in the second pic. Such recovery seems so fabulous. i really am looking foward to getting on the NARP programme soon 🙂

    1. oh it is so worth it all, recovery all though a bit all over the place at times for me is bliss..the journey home is amazing with such support and the NARP Program to get ‘you” there…love on the journeyxx

  23. Frith, You are so courageous and amazing. Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me get through this day when I was feeling like I could not make it another minute.
    I am about your age, unemployed and was afraid to spend any money- even buying the NARP program. I went through far too many of my resources taking care of the narcissist. Now his family has finally rallied to assist him and he is surrounded by help. But I am left struggling. I have managed no contact so far, but I don’t want to go out of my house and have contact with anyone right now. It is an effort to do so. How did you get yourself even to the place of getting up and consistent with the NARP program? How do you do anything when you can’t even get out of bed without effort? Thank you again for your amazing sharing, Mar

    1. well somewhere inside for me and i am sure for you was that little voice that wanted to be whole and healed and no matter what it takes i was going there. It was tough at first really just due to the whole trauma thing with surgery on top, but in the end that was an excuse as i was thirsty to understand it all and get on with my life. I could have indulged in a poor me time but really that is not me and life is so precious,why waste it …the NARP Program is life saving and i am sure you can arrange a payment plan…and really i couldn’t go anywhere so what better way to spend time inside than beginning a huge healing journey for me….it is about courage but the gift is getting “ALL” of you back together and living the life you want…peace on the journy ahead for you, wishing well for us all xxx

  24. Frith, I totally agree. I have a compassion for my mom now instead of fear or anger (and boundaries, too!). I realize that what I have learned and processed from her is something that goes beyond where she is. I am 55 so my mom is up in years also. I know you are a fantastic role model for other nurses and what a joy it must be to work with you. I too traveled extensively (as a contract nurse) and lived in all the time zones of the U.S., working in multi-departmental facets and roles. Thank You for responding.

  25. Congratulations Frith your story and Melanie’s blog is an inspiration and eye opener.
    I read up about narcissism over the years but Melanie has made it so concise and user friendly that I’m amazed.
    Still going through a rough time with the ex even though the divorce was over 8 months ago.
    I realize too that my Mum was a narcissist who loved the ex and blamed me for anything that went wrong!

    1. yes i so understand but for me in the end it is not about them..all about me and healing, growing and understanding. It’s a journey and i am sure timing is different for everyone…it’s just so worth it ..xxx

  26. Wow Frith…how inspiring you are! I was amazed at the physical transformation from the pics and your obvious emotional strength and transformation through the story.

    Mel, I really like this series of personal experiences of self up-liftment.

    Thank you…both of you.

  27. Frith,

    Thank you so much for sharing your encouraging story. You look and sound beautiful, like someone I would love to know in real life! 🙂

    My story is so much like yours. My problem, and what keeps me from moving on more than I have since my divorce from my N ex-h, is having children with him. In particular, we have a 13 year old son who is making life hell for me. He is very much like his father. I have primary custody of him, and every day is a fight. He behaves wonderfully for his dad, of course. My ex is using this to invade my life and is trying to “swoop in” and save the day. In all honesty, I often have to call on him too just in order to handle my son. It is affected my younger daughter emotionally as well. I just don’t see how this can ever end or improve. It’s like my son has taken over where his dad left off. If I could do no contact with my ex and could find a solution for my son, I could trully heal.

    If you or Melanie have any advice about this type of situation, I would sure appreciate it.

    1. i have not got children so not so sure about that, i have a step daughter and grandchildren who i have no contact with. Due to some stories being told but that is a choice they have made, and i have moved on. I have minimal necessary contact only now just getting the “papers” right. Then I am done and so looking forward to freedom from no contact being in place. No matter what our story is, we all have one, I think it is all about honouring self and working the NARP Program. I think as we change situations and people around us change too as a result of us becoming whole and clear. Boundaries are huge for me and I have had a hard time learning what feels okay and not, now i just see each opportunity to use them as practice and don’t attach to the experience much at all. I just think ‘Oh well that went well or I could modify it next time’… it’s about moving towards ‘self’ not matter how slow or hard it is. It is SO worth it..enjoy the baby steps..xx

  28. Jewel,

    I would like to offer a solution that you might have already thought of. That is, to give your ex custody of your son. Depending on the situation with your daughter, maybe you could have full custody of your daughter and your ex, his son? Courts usually grant what the parents want if they both agree and it is within the law of safety for the children. I have been in your shoes. Though I did not have a daughter, I have a son that now, at 33 years, is more like his dad than me, and I had the pleasure of doing all the work of raising him. I actually did give my ex the opportunity to raise his son, yet my son was screaming to come live with me because he was so miserable. Perhaps a trial arrangement can be made for your son and if everyone likes it, make it permanent. If your son hates it, it will be a wake up call for him. You deserve to be treated with respect, especially from your son. A lot is said of child abuse yet parent abuse is just as criminal. Don’t let the years roll by only to regret you didn’t take a stand for yourself (and your daughter) sooner. I hope my experience will bring some light to your situation.

    1. Cythia,

      Thank you so much for replying to me with your thoughtful reply!

      Yes, I have considered this, and I know it may absolutely be a necessity in the future. What is preventing it at this time is mostly my ex’s work schedule. He works night shifts 4 days per week, so he is gone at night and asleep during the day. So that would leave my son unsupervised at night, and he is way to immature to handle that yet. He has Asperger’s Syndrome, and is more like a 10 year old mentally/emotionally than a 13 year old. But maybe when he is older and capable of being by himself, that may work out.

      I have decided on one big thing that I hope will help us in the meantime. I have been homeschooling my kids since birth pretty much, and I have decided that has come to an end for my son. He is definitely going to public school next year. His doctors have been saying what a favor I have been doing him by homeschooling, because he is likely to have a very hard time at school, and possibly even be bullied. But no one has considered the toll it is taking on me, other than my close girlfriends who see it. I have decided to keep homeschooling my daughter because she is such a joy to teach at home – very self-motivated and compliant. As long as she continues to be like that and enjoy homeschooling, I will continue with her. But I will NOT conitnue to be abused by my son day in and day out.

      Well, it is one step for now, and I actually feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.

      Thank you again, Cynthia, for taking the time to answer me. 🙂
      Jewel

  29. Most welcome, Jewel. I know what it’s like to be in a tough situation with a son (and his father). I think it is the hardest thing in the world for a loving mom to put her child through tough love, yet for some kids, it’s the only thing that works. I have had to do it myself, and a decade and a half later, I don’t regret it. I agree on the home schooling; I think it works for well-behaved children only. Blessings, Cynthia

  30. Hi Mel — Great article.
    Frith–Great story and I am hopeful to read our story.

    I am posting here hoping Mel, you or someone can point me in the right direction. I am looking for a previous article, where discussing what to keep an eye out for when dating (N traits) and an exercise that had the reader define what they would look for as traits in an authentic mate, with examples.

    I was loving it and my computer went down…I had just read several blog articles and so I could not recall the name of this one…then I could not find this one again.

    Any help is appreciated!

  31. is it the blog called Authentic and Narcissitic relationships-how to tell the difference? a few blogs back..

    1. Yes I think that is the specific one Frith!

      Also Elle, very important to read the article on ‘Is The Narcissist Capable of Being Loving’ (Altruistic Narcissists) and also Love Bombing and the Soul Mate article…

      They are all recent ones!

      Mel xo

  32. Thanks so much Frith and Mel!

    I LOVED LOVED LOVED “Is the Narcissist capable of loving. This topic was soooo hard for me b/c my ex acted very loving and did numerous loving things. We traveled, worked out, kayaked, dined…we had really good times. Even everyone I knew said “But it was obvious he loved you”. My reply, has become that very sadly he could not have really loved me and cheated and lied as he did, because that is not how to treat someone you love! I would NEVER have done this to him.

    Looking back from here, I can see the subtle control and manipulations, (he was nit- picky, a clean freak, type A, OCD), the constant need for attention, (jealousy was an obvious one early on that was annoying),his constant criticism and isolation from others (he has one friend, hates old ppl, does not like kids, fat ppl, lazy ppl, etc…thinks he is mentally superior to most people)& how this isolated us, and I recall the underlying feeling (which I expressed to him numerous times) that “I and what I did, was never enough” for him. I realize that in the more recent past, he had become more critical of me and I had just ignored it as him being stressed.

    I see many things I should have stood stronger on, but as you know I LOVED HIM & accepted his “flaws” thinking it was what you do in a relationship.

    He left me in February telling me he was unhappy and that I was complacent in our relationship, and the he needed time to think. We had been discussing marriage and he said he realized he wanted to be married, but just not to me (ouch). None of it made sense to me, so I asked questions and the reasons why kept changing…I originally thought it was a “commitment crisis of some sort” …then I investigated and was blown away to find out that he had lied to me about several big things about his past (how long he had been divorced when we met, he had said that he had been cheated on and was terrified I would cheat, when he was really the cheater, how he NEVER lied (lol)…etc), I found out he was cheating on me with his Physical Therapist who he had been seeing for an injury for about six weeks as of when he left disgustingly, he would come home after appointments with her and get upset if I did not ask how they went & he’d tell me about how she massaged his injury, etc…sick). When confronted, he told me it was not cheating…that it was not my business and that he could not help that it was a whirlwind romance (I found out that he had told her he was single, but even knowing the truth she is still with him…so I guess she is a perfect new victim).

    I told him that he was the most broken person that I had even met and that I was pissed off at the extent of lies & betrayal I had discovered and that he was a coward for not choosing to heal in a relationship where he had 100% acceptance(something he always said he had never had)and that he would never be happy.

    He said that he will leave any relationship that did not make him happy or when it became work…He did not care, he liked being alone & is his own best friend (WOW).

    I have not spoken to him since. I had such a onslaught of emotions and confusion and mental PTSD…I still miss the way I felt with him so much and am trying to give myself that feeling with self care. I am angry that this happened to me and am committed to heal so it never happens again.

    I am very proud of how I am handling this. It was odd, immediately when he left, among the distress of this life I knew ending, and leaving this huge hole where “we” once were, I felt an immediate sense of relief inside, a weight lifted off of my shoulders (it was odd and unexpected). I felt less stressed and more patient. When I found out he had lied to manipulatively and cheated, the devastation and feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, etc, restarted & hit me like a concrete wall, but I knew that even with missing him, I could never go back.

    It is hard to admit that that is my reality, because as you state in some of your ebooks, I am not a quitter…it feels wrong to give up on someone, lol…It is odd to realize that. It is also odd that in this relationship, being with him, I honestly believed that my boundaries strengthened. I learned from watching him see things as black and white and doing for himself over others, that this was possible. I had done self work before this relationship (after a prior one which was much worse). I also actually think that for the better part of our relationship, he helped me see myself as a “strong, beautiful woman”..it is the end part where he started reversing that msg in an underhanded way that I did not see until after he was gone, that I am trying to get out of my head. I do honestly believe that he was sent to my life to teach me and I am trying to accept that gift and the gift of the love I learned that I am capable of giving. (I did not know if that was ever going to happen again after my prior relationship).

    One of my friends quoted a line from the country song The Gambler, and said “You have got to know when hold em and know when to fold em” and Shawn in a lost hand. So true and for me, so sad.

    It is like the man I love was taken over…and I guess he was in a way, by this disease of self hatred and false self.

    I have always seen myself as “parts”…the scared piece, the afraid piece, etc. I know I have the healthy piece and that I have developed it to be reasonably strong over the years of my adult life. I find it helpful to journal and talk to these pieces and comfort them, reassure them, etc. from this healthy self. I am also using your technique of blessing the negative or hard feelings I have as they arise and I like that too. I am now trying to get the “KNOWING” that I am enough, that I do not need to be afraid of failing, that I am amazing, etc…to sink into the remaining emptiness and be “FELT AS TRUTH”. This is my stuck place…If anyone has any advise 🙂

    Anyway, thanks Mel for creating this positive place to share and heal, and thanks for all of your blogs!! They are amazingly touching and meaningful 🙂

    I am hopeful to heal and attract a more authentic life, hopefully one day with a true partner.

    1. Hi Elle,

      I am glad the information re altrustic narcissists has been able to help you so much.

      Have you taken the inner journey of NARP to be able to work on your subconscious directly and powerfully to find and change your belief systems?

      That catpults healing to whole new level, and eliminates so much of the rumination in your mind trying to work out ‘what and how to REALLY heal’…which is really a lot of what I have observed in your post – as wonderful as it is 🙂

      The ‘knowing’ you want to get is achieved by working deeper and directly. NARP is that path.

      Then the trying to ‘know’ battle is over – because you just ‘know’.

      Mel xo

  33. I have the opposite problem. I am an attractive and sexually appealing woman that has been used by narcissistic men in relationships to further their ego and career purposes. It is a vicious cycle, in that, when it starts to happen I try to self destruct by trying to gain weight; hiding in my home. I quit wearing make up or doing my hair. I hide my large bossom by over sized tee shirts. I have a small trust fund but earn most of my income through my work as a massage therapist. Some men have come along to woo me and pursue me only for me to find out they want my money as well. I have 9 years of college as an award winning student. A 4.1gpa student one semester. I keep trying to get people to recognize me for my intelligence and character and I am actively hiding my beauty. I do supplements and care for myself physically but I hide to the outside. I look like a bum when I go out in public on purpose. People say its such a shame I am beautiful smart woman. I come alive when I meet a new man and get all dolled up to find out they only want sex and to use me for their narcissistic needs. The last online man I met I thought I finally met a good one. Until a month into it he asked me for 2 grand. I discovered his whole profile was a sham. I am devastated.

    1. Hi RLM,

      truly you do not have an ‘opposite problem’.
      Narcissistic abuse has nothing to do with aestehetics or what we do or dont have in our life – it is to do with not loving and accepting ourselves, and not feeling safe and healthy in life with effective boundaries which allow us to know we are a Source to ourselves and can look after ourselves.

      How ‘attractive’ or ‘wealthy’ someone is is totally irrelevant…

      What is really necessary for you in order to stop this painful cycle in your life, and heal why you feel so unsafe and need to hide, unless you have a man to protect you – who ironically becomes your ‘hammer’ and not your ‘rock’…(I promise you I used to also run a lot of these IDENTICAL inner painful beliefs) means that there is a lot of inner work you need to do with yourself to become a solid and healthy source to yourself…

      This is what is going on here…because nothing on the outside is going to fix this pattern for you – it is an ‘inside’ job…and one which many people who are susceptible to narc abuse have suffered…

      My highest suggestion is working with NARP to heal…

      Mel xo

  34. also…I took myself off of regular dating sites. I am on a marriage minded mature seeking dating site. A serious minded site. This man had a sham profile as a PHD. I took one month of just chatting to know him and turns out he asks me for money. What a waste of time and energy. Seems on an energy level I am getting from people the very last thing I need. Whatever I fear most keeps manifesting.

    1. Yes RLM,

      that is exactlay what happens, and it is great that you have connected this, and know there is no point continuing to date until you have done the inner work to transform the fear.

      There is absolutely no point in internet dating talking to someone for a month – a meeting needs to take place. Cyber relationships often evolve to not being the real thing.

      Mel xo

  35. What I am trying to say is that beauty, money, education and social status is no protection from narcissistic abuse. This summer I was invited on an all expenses paid trip by a man to a lavish place. Some women would give all they have for the places I have been in my life and the men. But what happened behind closed doors was another nightmare this summer. Abuse is abuse. Unless I keep on this journey of healing within it will keep manifesting. Sometimes all the things we think that will protect us from abuse only opens the door for more.

    1. Hi RLM,

      abuse is always a direct match for the unhealed emotional wounds within ourself, regardless of any status or outside props, intelligence or education. It is an emotional issue, and certainly not a logical one.

      Mel xo

  36. Mel.
    I did start NARP just recently. I am hoping it will help me put together these last pieces…integrating the “knowing” & feeling of my wholeness and also being able to stop the “addictive pull” to this need for external validation.

    I do not 100% understand how NARP works as do far I am just reading…but am going to find out…

    I feel like I am on the right path.

    Ty

    1. Hi Elle,

      it is hugely important in NARP that you read the instruction manual and get to work on the MP3 Healings – that is where the power and the shifts are…and that is what provides the spectacular healing results for people….

      That is what you need to do ASAP – and then you will start shifting and healing and feeling real relief.

      Mel xo

  37. Hello Frith, You look absolutely beautiful. I took courage from your story, thank you. I too look forward one day to sharing my life with a loving and healthy man. Until then I will be focusing on my healing and really being more of ME.

    Thank you so much. You have been through much and to hear your story now is wonderful.

    All the best Frith…….

  38. Hi Frith, this is a little late in the day, I know, but I’ve only just managed to get around to listening to your story and I just wanted to say, WoW, we’ll done, your story resonates so much with mine in that you are so focused on your life now and who you are now rather than the life with the narc and before that even and that is exactly where I am and to me, especially after hearing your story, I think that’s a true sign of healing. I’m actually about 2 months behind you in that my relationship with the narc ended at the end of November 2012 and like you, my healing has been phenomenal and I am also living in a town where I knew nobody but of course I’m making some great connections now and even though I do have moments when I have to have a word with myself, I really couldn’t wish for a better life and it just gets better and better and like you, I know now that by coming back to me, I can now actually be who ever I want to be. Thank you so much for sharing your story Frith and well done, I bask in your joy, I feel your happiness and I love it. Lots of love Karen xxx

  39. Hi Firth, This brought tears to my eyes… i have one question though, as i keep reading all these tough stories, i keep feeling that because my story was short and i left early on, i keep feeling that i won’t heal like all of you and it’s not time yet to heal as i didn’t stay long. As if i don’t deserve to heal yet. and that feeling sucks! i’ve been living in pain my whole life. I don’t know why i do that to myself…

    1. Hi Daisy,

      Frith may not be able to get back to this blog now, so I hope you don’t mind me stepping in!

      All of what you are describing is ‘excuses’…(which is a really normal way of doing self-avoiding and self-sabotage).

      Emotional pain is emotional pain REGARDLESS of how it came about – it is all to do with internal limiting belief systems that were actually yours well before the narcissist came into your life. This was the deal for all of us…

      The narcissist is simply a catalyst triggering these wounds and pointing us to the real internal work that needs to be done.

      So when you get ‘underneath’ the excuses – what are the REAL limiting beleifs that are preventing you from going on an inner healing journey?

      They may be ‘I don’t deserve to heal’…’I am unworthy to heal’…..or ‘If I heal myself no-one will rescue me…’ (just off the top of my ‘intuition’)…

      So you have a choice – push through and start knowing you need to do this work, or really sit and go inside and go to the part of you that is resisting the deservedness to heal and speak lovingly to it – and tell it that it DOES and you will take every action to love, support and heal this fearful non-deserving part of you….

      …as well as the other unhealed parts which require your attention.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  40. Thanks a million Mel! How did you know this! you are so right…

    i really look up to you and every single time it makes me pause… wow, what a soul…

    at many times i even wonder how do you keep your self happy and free when you read all these posts, pain and suffering…

    Thanks again!

    1. Hi Daisy,

      You are so welcome!

      just gut feeling – I trust it 🙂

      I have had to work on my beliefs Daisy – and there are many parts of my life that have nothing to do with narc abuse, and have everything to do with my soul, inspirations, joy and wellbeing.

      I also have gorgeous authetic and life-affirming people in my life that have nothing to do with ‘narcissism’…

      I also only work with people personally who take responsibility to heal…

      Boundaries, QFH daily clearing and wellbeing are the keys! 🙂

      Mel xo

  41. I have a question. I’m living the narcissistic dream. I tried to divorce him, but he made sure I’d have nothing. No monetary support. I’ve been married to him for 17 years and stayed home to raise and ADD kid, which he was kind enough to help let me do. Now, he feels he helped me long enough, I’m on my own. I have no skills anymore.

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  49. Thank you so much for telling your story. I’m so happy to see your positive changing (sorry my English is not so good ). I’m still married with a covert narc (fir 25 years) and also my mother is one. But he discarded me 5 years ago. First I searched on Internet for twinflames and the pain became harder. Only one year ago I discovert that it is abuse. I was so shocked but I began to work on me and for me. I searched a therapist and she also was a narc and abused me. I was traumatised again very hard. I am so alone and the only possibility was internet (too much fear to find a narcistic therapist )and so the universe led me to Mel. I’m so gratefull and I have hope to heal completly. I’m working with the narp- modules severel times every day. The trauma of guilt is very deep. I have taken 25 Kilos of weight while eating as adiction. The narc said me the whole time that I was too fat even when I was not. I hope that I can regain my beauty. Your fotos give me so many hope. Thank you all and hope and healing for all. Thank you Mel from the bottom of my heart.

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