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Welcome to the next Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story.

The response from this series has been phenomenal. It is great to see so many people being inspired by other people’s recovery stories.

I am personally loving sharing these stories with you – they fill my heart with so much love and joy. It is so beautiful to know that my work helps people get up and out and to the other side – because that is my greatest mission – to achieve that goal with you.

If you are new to the New Life community I share a new Thriver recover story every few weeks to show you no matter how hard it is for you now, there is hope and there is an answer to turn your life around.

This week’s story is about a lovely woman named Rozanne.

I know a lot of you will relate to this story.

Rozanne’s narcissistic relationship began with the classic grandiose displays of love, kindness, gentleness and thoughtfulness throughout the idealization phase.

Rozanne would receive love letters every few days, and lavish amounts of attention.

After they got married and the inevitable devaluing phase of rejection, manipulation, abuse and control began Rozanne couldn’t find the strength to leave because she was waiting. She hoped the gentle kind man she once knew would return.

The idealization phase is a technique that all narcissists use to have you focus on the amazing person they appeared to be, and ignore the horrible person they eventually become.

By June 2011 Rozanne had no option but to start divorce proceedings but felt helpless as the legal system granted her no support, and the continuous attacks and threats she was receiving from the narcissist were destroying her.

Rozanne’s story is a powerful illustration of how you can stop the narcissist from trying to destroy your life by going deep within and releasing the fear inside of you.

You can read the transcript of the show below…

 

Rozanne can you please tell the listeners about the story of your marriage

We have been married for 17 years and started dating 24 years ago.  I was completely in love with him and loved him more than I ever did anyone else.  In those early days I remember thinking that the sky actually looked more blue than I remembered.  Every second day I received a love letter. There were extravagant displays of his love like a violinist playing solely for us at a restaurant. He was incredibly kind, gentle and thoughtful.

He was a student at the time and I paid for all our entertainment.   He would introduce me as the future mother of his children.  I found this odd. As the years went by I realized that this was part of the picture he needed for his life.  A good available mother, something he did not have.

I often noticed women standing inappropriately too close to him while having a conversation. In the early days he was very good at hiding his behavior, so in front of me he did not react to these women. Later on when he flirted openly I know he had been flirting with these women behind my back. I was so young I thought it was all about them not behaving properly.

I owned a car and my own home before we married while he did not have either.  I was in the process of selling my car and he went ahead and sold it privately to a friend for less than what I said I wanted to sell it for.  This was a big red flag.

While we planned our wedding I noticed the disconnection from him.  I was the sole provider during the first year of our marriage as he was still studying.  When I was pregnant, again I saw a lot of disinterest. When our children were born, I found it so strange that he would call the hospital, but only enquire about the baby.

I do know the exact time that I stopped being happy and began feeling pain on a regular basis.  It was the year he qualified.  Suddenly he was no longer the poor struggling student.  The arrogance and entitlement started showing itself.  I was often told that I was too emotional and that I should not be feeling those feelings.  Looking back, the cruelty slowly started showing itself.

By the time our first child was born, I no longer owned a home, car, business or bank account.  By choice I became a stay at home mom not knowing how this decision would become part of his master plan.

He did not manage his business or finances well at all and I stepped in and did a lot to change things.  I felt confused when he would accuse me of controlling him even though what I was doing was so beneficial for his work.  I felt I needed to fix this for him.

He became the heart and soul of any party while I became more and more withdrawn.

I noticed his need to have wine daily.  The outbursts became worse.  There would be very loud cruel verbal fights at least twice a week which left me paralysed with pain and shock and confusion. My days became filled with so much obsession about what he had done and said the night before. I was completely consumed by this.

I would receive incredibly expensive gifts after feeling emotionally violated by him right up to the eve of receiving the gift.  This often happened around the time of a big family gathering. He would draw a lot of attention to the gift saying what a good husband he was. Everyone thought he was different and amazing.  I quietly felt so confused and kept thinking that I must have imagined the intensity of the argument.

I began to seek counseling for myself many times because I thought that if I became a better person, he would be nicer to me.  We even tried counseling together on two occasions but as soon as the focus was on him, his contempt for me increased.  During counseling I discovered he was involved with another woman. This wasn’t the first time. During our marriage he has several affairs.

It was a constant strain to have a perfect look on my face and a perfect home and perfectly behaved children by the time he got home.  The sight of school books lying around while homework was done was translated into a filthy house. He did not tolerate any weakness on my part.

When I was pregnant with our third child he was overjoyed.  The cruelty from him which I endured when I lost that baby was indescribable. The hatred and contempt from him felt like blows to my face and heart.

Panic attacks and constant anxiety became a part of my life.  I would feel ill by 4pm daily. I isolated myself and often purposely fetched my children late from school so that the other moms would not see my black and blue heart showing on my face. Besides, my face was so frozen, I was convinced I would not be able to smile, even if I wanted to.

A few years ago, I made plans to begin working from home and became really excited.  At the same time packets of very strong addictive medication made its way regularly into our home because my husband was providing it for me.

I quickly learnt that they numbed the pain beautifully.  Four years later I was in an advanced stage of addiction and planning my suicide. I lived like a zombie in a fogged drugged state, watching the clock for my next fix. My dream of working from home never happened.  I called a clinic for help and was supposed to start rehab the following day.  While I packed my bag, he called the clinic and told them I would not be coming. He told me that they had said they no longer have a bed available for me. He refused to pay for outpatient therapy as well.

My recovery was really really hard without the help I needed.  This became a huge turning point in my life as I knew that I had to divorce him if I ever wanted to rebuild my life. I would wake up each morning and my body would scream at me that this was not the life I wanted.

I stayed for so long because I kept waiting for the kind gentle man I met to return. I truly thought that that was the real him. I was completely financially dependent on him and had lost so much self esteem and any belief in myself.  I actually felt like a shell of a person, completely lost and empty.

Promises to get help for his aggression and anger were also broken repeatedly.

I started divorce proceedings in June 2011.  That day, after the call to my lawyer, I fell to the floor, sobbing, feeling like a woman standing on a train line and the train is approaching.  I made that call, knowing that I had nothing, absolutely nothing. How would I pay my legal fees? How would I raise my children on my own? My feelings were so raw yet there was no turning back for me.

His verbal abuse became incredibly violent. He would rage through the house for 2 to 3 hours every second night screaming foul words and threats at the children and myself.  I was told I would need a mental hospital when he was done with me. When he got home at night, it felt like a tornado and earthquake happening to us.  I really thought the windows would break.  The children often went to bed without homework completed.  During exam time, I had to remove them from the house to get some work done. I was terrified of him beyond words. The fear would feel like it was running through my body.

He placed spyware on all the electronic equipment and my cellphone. I was violated on many levels.  I hid my phone, journals and car keys from him all the time. He said he was absolutely entitled to do so as he needed to see what further `mischief’ my lawyer and I were up to.  My whole life became incredibly abnormal.

By December 2011, there was one night when I just knew that night was to be the very last night in that house. All the signs were there that I was compromising my safety if I did not make a move the very next day.  So while he was at work, I quietly walked through the gate, with only my children, their dogs and my most precious items and went to live with my mom 400km away from where we lived.  It was the only place to go.

It was not the best place for us to be logistically as it was too far from the children’s school.  He withheld shelter from us. He refused to pay for accommodation for us, saying we do have a home – meaning I should come back to live with him. I eventually had to leave my mom`s home after someone offered for us to live in her home which was closer to the children`s school.  It would only be for 6 weeks. The day I moved out of that house, I had no idea where we would go next.  Later that day I received another offer from someone.

We lived in 5 different places in a space of 4 months. It was a very humbling yet humiliating time for me because I had to ask countless of people if they knew of a place where I did not have to pay. During this time, my car had been taken from me for 3 months and returned with a broken radiator.  There were times that I would arrive at school to fetch my children only to find he had removed them already.  It was a very lonely time for me, where nothing felt solid. I felt like I was losing my children.

It was so clear that he would do anything to sabotage my new path, hoping I would give up and return to him.  After my spirit had been destroyed through substance abuse, my desire for my spirit to thrive became more important than any obstacle he placed before me.

It was a huge blessing that our appointment with the family advocate happened to be at that time. He had previously asked for sole custody with only supervised contact for myself. The meeting did not go the way he planned and the children and I moved back into the home in May 2012 and he moved out at the recommendation of the family advocate.  Living back at the house brought many occasions where he forced contact by crashing into our big metal sliding gate that protected the property, after following me home.  Other times he would threaten to ram it down if I did not open it within 10 seconds to speak to him.

This is pivotal – it caused unbelievable fear and trauma and is a vital part of my empowerment. This is important to mention – because I spoke to Melanie in length about how to change my vibration in order to change what he was doing.

I’ll explain more about events like this when I talk about NARP…

I never opened the gate,   remembering the No Contact policy from my side and eventually he would leave, sometimes after only 2 hours.

 

At what point did you start working on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program?

I found Melanie`s website in August 2012.  I remember feeling so broken and filled with despair. I would lie on the floor, over our pets, sobbing with the depth of betrayal that was coming to light.  At that point, I had actually lost all hope again and knew I needed something much bigger than the many self help books and therapy I had already done.

Within a week of starting the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program my fear of him was reduced enormously. I was communicating with Melanie by email and asking her lots of questions in regard to how he was trying to attack me and intimidate me. When I first emailed Melanie I told her that the legal system here granted me no support, that my situation was hopeless, that he was a madman, and like a terminator that was not going to stop trying to destroy my life – and I asked her what I could do…She made me believe her when she kept saying – “When you change on the inside, no matter how it looks – your outside experience with him will change..”

Melanie kept giving me directions on which Modules to use and how to shift my fear inside me. I understood and desperately wanted to attain this level: ‘When you no longer have a change inside you about what he is doing, he will NOT be able to do it…it will stop happening. It won’t be a match for your vibration and therefore cannot operate in your reality’ I believed Melanie and I dedicated myself to working the Modules over and over…

No longer was the fear coursing through my body. Melanie was right – there were incredible events where I saw the results right before my eyes. Where he would stop or just didn’t succeed because I no longer had any fear that matched his behavior.  I started feeling powerful and in control of my life. My level of hope was increasing daily.  I immediately started modified contact which by now has become No Contact.

Two weeks after starting the NARP Program, I no longer needed him to admit to or apologize about his behavior. This was a HUGE shift for me. I confidently shared this at a mediation session.

Words like joyfulness, lightness, hope started appearing often in my journal. I started to acknowledge that I could live with abundance and authenticity. By October 2012 I had gotten to the point where I felt fiercely determined to not hand over my power to him any longer in any way.  I also now knew deep within me that following my dreams is actually my birthright. I was bubbling over with creative ideas.  One day I stopped what I was doing and realized with a joyful shock that my days were now filled with lovely thoughts of my dreams, my goals. It was such a different and beautiful feeling that I was not used to. I started feeling like I was really beginning to live my own life.

 

There is a really important part of this journey that I know you would like to share…

 By December 2012, a huge unhealed part of me smacked me very hard in the face.  I`d love to share how I came through to the other side. He had previously tried to force contact as I had mentioned.  This time he actually succeeded by climbing over our high wall and proceeded to bash in the burglar bars on the window.  The fear was horrific. I called some family to help.  The police would not help without a Court Protection Order in place.  He knew many policemen very well and often influenced them.

After four and a half hours of this drama and trauma he still would not leave and I was forced to move back to my mom once again. I took ‘what had happened’ and my terror to the NARP Program – because I knew there was still something in me that was allowing this event to happen (via him) in my life…I totally had accepted and learnt Melanie’s philosophies of ‘so within so without’.

I immediately did Module 1 of NARP to release this pain and this is what I learnt about myself:  Boundaries were something that I had never fully implemented and STOOD UP FOR in my life previous to this event.  Previously I had withdrawn two Court Protection Orders because I was so scared of standing up to him. This was before I had found Melanie`s work.  It became very clear that speaking up and believing in what I feel to be right and true and deserving for myself was a big unhealed part of me.  Previous to this I had always played my life ‘safe’ and tried to ‘keep the peace’.

Since that event and the discovery through doing the inner shift work on myself…I realized two things. First even though my ‘losing fear in the past’ had created great results this event NEEDED to happen in order to uncover this unhealed fear, and second, this WAS a lesson my soul deeply needed to heal and learn – and what he was doing was the perfect teacher.

If I didn’t learn this lesson I was never going to be free of fear, or have the life I really wanted to live.

Now as a result of doing the inner healing work on this issue with NARP I am in the process of going to trial on this issue as I have had a third Court Protection Order served on him.  This time I intend to walk my truth and mean it.

Going ahead with my third Court Protection Order is not only an opportunity to set a huge boundary but to fully claim my voice and speak my truth despite the consequences. Speaking my truth in my family had always gotten me into a lot of trouble and left me feeling extremely rejected, abandoned and unheard.

With a lot of the QFH healing Modules in NARP I got to the point where I sold this house that, even without him living there, became an absolute prison for myself and my children. I could not do this previously and would feel ill trying to do so.  It sold within 2 and a half weeks with minimal advertising.

I now live in a home that he has no claim or entitlement over and the peace and freedom and empowerment I feel about this is so priceless. With the use of QFH Healing in NARP, and becoming a vibrational match for what I wanted to manifest I got this home where our beloved pets could join us and for us to continue living in a nature filled neighbourhood which means so much to me.

Melanie`s work taught me that I needed to become the exact qualities I wanted in my life.  So I thought about what I wanted my new home to represent and then I consciously lived those qualities and turned away from everyone who told me how limited my choices were.  I held tightly onto the exact focus I wanted.  The home I have is so much more affordable than what similar homes on the market are going for.

NARP has helped me to say YES to my life and I believe the inner changes within myself created all the support I needed thus far, even though my circumstances on a practical level looked so bleak.

When I look back at what I was up against, and how hopeless it all seemed it is incredible how quickly and powerfully things have fallen into place. I know how much effort I put into achieving these truths vibrationally. I do modules many times a week.  When I am faced with a challenge, I do them daily, sometimes 2 to 3 times a day.  I find that starting my day long before my children wake up for school, as early as 4 30am has helped me get a lot of this done.  I also combine walking our dogs with doing a module.

I feel more and more removed from him …..Now I am able to disconnect from conversations about him immediately.  As time goes by he is feeling further and further away from me.

 

How do you feel about your life now?

My self awareness has heightened tremendously and I am very aware of my vibration all the time. When I face and clear another unhealed part `head on’ I can truly say that I have experienced longer and longer periods of feeling so light and so free. I have come to accept that the times I am hit hard by something is okay and that so much more beauty is waiting on the other side.

I am in acceptance of the gift that this experience has brought me and I totally see how I attracted all this into my life: I grew up in a home where both my mom and dad did not experience a childhood.

My mom became the caretaker of a big family at the age of 10 as her mother was bedridden.  My dad lost his father at the same age and left school to begin working at the age of 13.  This would explain the very serious quiet home I grew up in.  There was no laughter or silliness and very little spontaneous conversation.

My mom felt an intense need to overprotect her children and did absolutely everything for us. This left me feeling very inadequate and lowered my self esteem considerably. I felt fearful of life and people and any new experiences.

My mom became my only friend and I her only friend which is not healthy for either. I looked to her for every approval I needed. If I stepped out of line, I felt really bad about myself afterwards because of her strong response.

My dad worked all the time and was never home. I observed much drama constantly as my mom still continued to fix her siblings lives with much anxiety and fear. I learnt the same pattern.  I was able to only identify with pain, fear, drama and not joy because that was the constant energy in my home and extended family.

My father is not able to cope with emotion and was completely intolerant of me speaking up when it was something uncomfortable for him. I experienced a feeling of being shut down terribly after an incident took place. I also felt painfully unheard.

My need for constant input and approval from my mom silenced my own voice further and I acknowledge that she has been my voice all my life. I then never got to know who I truly was. Others would then never see the real me either. I was such a perfect match for narcissism and abuse.

My life on the inside was operating exactly like his, feeling powerless, low self esteem, shame, needing approval, being empty inside, wearing a mask. I did not feel comfortable with my opinions and it was so easy for the narcissist to take over and control my mind. His emotional distance was a repeated pattern of what I had experienced with my father.

The same aspects of my childhood played out in my adult life, only this time as a huge really nasty billboard, screaming for my attention. These days the focus in not on him but myself as I continue to heal other parts of myself.

I am happy to say that as much as my mom has been a teacher to me showing me exactly where I need to heal, I have become a teacher to her. She is absorbing my journey with an open mind and heart and because she has seen the big shifts in my own life –  her boundary setting has now become amazing with her family. She also acknowledges that fun and joy must become a way of life. I feel very blessed for her growth that has come about through my experience.

In my heart I truly feel that Melanie and her work has given me the best and most profound tools to claim a beautiful and purposeful life. I have permission to dream bigger. The joy and expansiveness I feel I have actually never felt before. All this makes me so grateful that I chose the path of empowerment.

 

In closing what would you like to share with the New Life community?

All I can say is please, please, please no matter how throttled and scared and disempowered you are feeling know there is a miracle waiting for you, and this miracle is within you. When you use Melanie’s Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, and KNOW she is there to help you as well, you shift on the inside of yourself and you shed your old fears and powerlessness. Then you connect to your true power and your true life.

No matter what your life looks like now – it will change beyond description.

Like me you can realize WHY this happened to you and what it is showing you about what you need to heal. It will all make PERFECT sense to you.

I cannot even imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t find Melanie’s work and NARP. Truly if you are struggling horribly like I was, I know a lot of your read Melanie’s articles and get a lot from them – but it isn’t until you dig deep and do the real inner work with the Quanta Freedom Healing in the NARP Program that the true shifts and miracles start taking place. No amount of ‘just information’ was going to save my and my children’s lives from what we were living. I had to do the inner work to make it happen.

 

I hope you have enjoyed Rozanne’s story.

If you have any questions or comments for Rozzane please post them below and she will respond personally.

 

 

 

 

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84 thoughts on “Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #4 Rozanne

  1. Thanks for that Melanie-good to know that there is life on the other side. I find it so totally mind-boggling, that the premise of the story is the same, only the names have been changed! I am glad I found you when I did, because I am not sure I would be here on this planet today!

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sitting here unable to stop crying after I read this. So much of what I’m reading sounds so very, very familiar. What’s crushing me is that I really thought I loved at least myself unconditionally. I guess I was putting up with abuse while waiting around for someone to change. I do love myself, so, this waiting around and tolerance for his abuse is just unacceptable on my part.

    Thanks again, Rozanne.

  3. Thank you Rozanne for sharing your story…
    I am aware of the reason why I went through the narcissist abuse because you shared!!

    I have revolved in and out of that door many times as I wondered why…..
    Seeking approval getting silenced not to lose the affirmation, emotional distance from those i sought affirmation from e.t.c…just sounds like narcissistic abuse to me!! I have seen MIRACLES SINCE I STARTED MELANIE’S NARP PROGRAM!! Am going to see my mother after SEVEN YEARS OF SEPARATION JUST BECAUSE I GOT UP IN SPITE OF HOW BROKEN I WAS AND LIMPED TO GET MY VISA TRUSTING THAT GOD WOULD BE THEIR FOR ME DURING THE PETITION AFTER NARC ABUSE!!!IT TOOK 7 YEARS AND NARCISSISTIC ABUSE TO AWAKEN ME!!!! FOR THAT AM ETERNALLY GRATEFULL!!!!!!!!!!!I WAS SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!!!!!!!!!!THOUGH WHEN I WAS IN PAIN ADDICTED AND HOOKED I DID NOT SEE IT NOW AM GRATEFUL AND I CLAIM MY LIFE BACK DAILY, MOMENT BY MOMENT DOING THE WORK AND PRAYING FOR GODS STRENGTH!!!!!

    THANK YOU MELANIE FOR THE TOOLS!!!!!!!THANK YOU GOD FOR NARCISSISTIC ABUSE AND WHAT I LEARNED AND AM LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF !!! GOD BLESS YOU ROZANNE AND MELANIE!!HUGS!

    1. Hi Rachel,

      that is so, so beautiful that you have broken free from the old emotional story and are now claiming the wonder and joy of your new life…

      This is sooo gorgeous!

      I am so happy for you, and you are sooo welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  4. All so familiar. I needed that. Thank you so much Rozanne for sharing. I am learning to love myself more and more each day.
    Where you wrote: I was in the process of selling my car and he went ahead and sold it privately to a friend for less than what I said I wanted to sell it for. This was a big red flag.”. Mine went a bought a house that was already sold. Made a better offer – with my money. I was too tired to fight and too busy working paying off another house we had just bought.

    Thank you God and Melanie for Freedom.x

  5. What a truly inspirational story. I have been doing QFH and stopped doing it a few days ago when I felt there was nothing more coming up for me during the modules and was also struggling to find the time to do it ‘uninterrupted’. Reading Rozanne’s story is my story and it suddenly dawned on me that the reason I felt there was nothing more coming up for me is because there is something that is deeper, much deeper and I need to discover what it is. I have obviously cleared the ‘stuff’ on the surface and have been afraid of going deeper which is why my ex N husband continues his abusive, manipulating, threatening, bullying ways.

    I have been truly inspired and can’t wait to get home and start delving deeper. I also kept making excuses – to ‘MYSELF’ about where I was going to find the time to do the work that needed to be done – I will be getting up earlier each morning before the kids are awake which will allow that uninterrupted time I need to do the work.

    I recently started reading the book ‘The Law of Attraction’ by Ester and Jerry Hicks and am finding it incredibly interesting and really makes sense that we are what we attract into our lives. Whether the thought is positive or negative, that is what we attract.
    Thank you Mel and thank you Rozanne for sharing your story.

    1. Hi Caz,

      you are so welcome…

      That is fabulous that you have made the connection – ‘so on the outer, so in the inner’ and now know you can go deeper and get really powerful results…

      Great you feel renewed commitment – knowing that the inner world is the MOST important place we can ever attend to in our life – because that is where ‘all of our life’ springs forth from 🙂

      Mel xo

  6. Wow!  That was incredibly well written and I appreciate Rozanne and Melanie for sharing.  My ordeal only started last October of 2012.  We married 9.11.12.  We have been living apart for most of it as my inner self has kept going back only to get away almost immediately, after. My biggest regret … I ignored all the signs I kept getting, the feeling I felt that something wasn’t right from even the first conversation we had … How I wish I could turn back to that time and start over!  Despite figuring things out quite quickly, he had managed to turn our lives upside down in such a short time. My two year old son and I have lost so much, (especially my beloved miniature pinscher who I had for 9 years) … Moving constantly and being homeless, while he isn’t even phased, leaching off his mom (a so called 42 year old man, no less) .  All the broken promises … I am seven months pregnant and can’t help but think that she is the only good thing to come of this. My first daughter … I started later on in life,  so I may be done now, with a son and daughter … Only the good Lord knows what is in store!  He, of course, could care less about us, the fact that she is coming, and all the rest of it … How sad.  I know it’s because I am not being his narcissistic supply and are therefore, useless to him.  I know if I hadn’t been too strong and not allowed more, this story of Rozanne is where we were headed. I will not allow this kind of life for my children.  I am grateful to hear these stories to keep me strong and uplifted.  Even knowing what I know, it is hard and I still love him.  Can you imagine!??   I know this is part of it.  Melanie, from all the research I have done and I have done a lot, you have hit me the hardest.  You are a beautiful woman and an inspiration and I have already told people about you … That’s the impact you have made on me in such a short time!  This can happen to anyone,  especially those who have had previous trauma in their lives like I have …  Your information is so powerful and invaluable.  I know why it has happened to me.  I have always suspected it comes from my mother, as I have figured she is one (narcissistic sociopath) and my father is an alcoholic. I will continue to follow you and again, thank you so much for being here and providing this … You are helping me to find the strength to move on and keep me on track.  I listen to your audios before I go to bed as they put me to sleep and keep me strong. It has been so hard and painful.  This is priceless to me and I look forward to the happy life I know I can have with my children.  They are my family now … Onward and upward as I pick up the pieces … You are such an inspiration … I can’t thank you enough.  I look forward to more … And thank you to everyone who shares their stories to keep us strong and uplifted … The good Lord knows all about it and watches over us 🙂 

    1. sending you sooo much love and encouragement Vanessa. You can give your beautifull babies a better loving wholesome life without him!XXX

    2. Hi there,
      I had to write a reply because our stories are so similar. I had to run away with my 6 year old son to keep my unborn baby as he was demanding I abort her. Most everything was fine until I got pregnant. Then he began abusing me, got a new girlfriend straight away and started up a horrible smear campaign, telling everyone I was crazy and that i was falsely “claiming” I was pregnant. After a period of homelessness, countless court appearances, financial strain, medical conditions my baby suffered Inuterine, and going through the entire pregnancy alone, I am giving birth tomorrow and wouldn’t ever have made a different decision.
      But I fear what will come next. How did things turn out for you? I am looking for hope xx

  7. Hi, Rozanne.
    Thank you for sharing this- I read it and learnt that I could use more the opportunity to ask Melanie how to best use the NARP practically, and in that way have bigger success with recovery. I have used over a year to just realize a few elementary things about how to use the NARP, and have healed quite a bit but not even close to the miracolus recovery that I read you have created for yourself. I am so happy to read how your story turns- I love it, I am happy for you and touched.. 🙂

    :LOVE:

    1. Hi NMSD,

      yes absolutely I am always there for questions re NARP, and can also tap into my intuitive channel to assist – and I consistently see the people who do use me as a resource are highly dedicated and procure incredible results…

      You can have my help! 🙂

      Mel xo

      1. What is your email address Melanie?

        Thank you for helping me on this journey and i am thankful for all that transpired that led me to your blog.

        God bless
        Rachael

        1. Hi Rachel,

          you do need to be on NARP to have me as the personal email resource…I get hundreds of emails a day from people not doing NARP that I simply cannot answer…Are you on NARP? Because you should have received your NARP subscription to be able to contact me if you are…

          Mel xo

          1. Yes I am Melanie!

            Thank you,

            I will write you one of these days..Am grateful for everything…
            Rachel

      2. Marvellous! 😀 Yes, I DO want to make incredible results and I have been working my ass off for many years allready, to get just to where I am at now. It helps to hang in there with oneself and never ever giving up on oneself no matter what. That is what makes all the difference and needs to be in the fundament for being able to heal. believeing in the good in oneself and others and believeing that there IS a way, somewhere.. Because there IS a way. I am so glad that I found you Melanie, and this post from Rozanne hit me straight in the heart. 🙂

        :LOVE:

  8. Thanks Rozanne for sharing your story.

    As Melanie says you are a magnificent role model, truly inspiring for me. Listening to you has made me realise and acknowledge that I still fear my ex. I don’t want him to know my new address because I fear he’ll show up. It’s preventing me from finalising our divorce settlement. I must face up to and deal with the power that he still has over me.

    Thanks for showing me that I can do this.

    1. Hi Janet,
      I understand your situation; I think everyone here does! The bottom line, as they say in the business world, is that, as you know, you must finalize the divorce. One way to cope with your fear is to get some self defense DVDs about Krav Magda; a great self defense system used by the Isreali armed forces. You can watch the DVDs and learn, and you can take a womens self defense course in your area. Aikido is also good. Many have found that practicing Falun Gong is good; it helps with the fear thing. All these things can help; as Melanie says, your empowerment must come from the inside; once you change your own vibration, you will no longer be a match for his vibration, which is literally feeding off of your fear. You can also file a restraining order against him, and keep your address confidential. Get your landline telephone number changed to being both unlisted AND non-published. Make sure you get a cell phone that can block your number when you call out. Get your bills at a friend’s place or one of those mail places, like the UPS store. When you go for the divorce, get your maiden name back; as the old saying goes, “to change your energy, change your name.” Do not keep his last name. Then, once the divorce is done, change your drivers license and put your address as being at the mail place, or a friend/relative’s place. Same with any other documents, like the social security card. When you go to court for the divorce, get a big guy friend(or relative) to go with you. Remember, you are unique and wonderful; and YOU DESERVE A GOOD LIFE! Please keep us posted! Best of everything to you!

  9. Sarah Seattle, we start crying when we identify deeply with what we have read. We cry because we so dearly want something different for our lives. It is our body asking us to move away from where we are now.

    I don’t believe we can really love ourselves while we are still accepting the abuse, and we do this without even realizing we are. Remember the abuse has all the values which are the opposite of beauty, love, joy, freedom, respect. I felt so very heavy and ugly inside while I was still living inside of that world.

    I was certainly my most powerless when I waited for him to change. NARP really brings these values to light . I wish you so much strength as you claim your new life.

  10. Rachel I am so pleased that my story has helped you see why you have experienced the Narcissistic abuse.

    It is truly when we really look in the mirror and face ourselves and our whole life up to that point, that we begin to connect the dots and understand and accept the experience. It is not easy to do so but without this awareness, we would remain in victim mode.

    I love that you say you are claiming your life back daily, moment by moment. I personally am astounded how each step, no matter how tiny, actually moves us FORWARD and towards our new life. I am so happy for you.

  11. Miss K your words `too tired to fight’ is so instrumental in how a lot of things happened, that we would not have allowed to happen if our life was different. There is a certain level of being worn out to the core that is so unique to living with Narcissistic abuse. Our life just spirals further out of control as these events happen.

    NARP and all Melanie`s articles teach the opposite- how to be in control of our minds and lives. To consciously co create our days.

    Yes, the gratitude for freedom is a huge gift when we do this work.

  12. Caz I am so happy you have found my story inspiring.

    Going deeper as you say, will bring up suppressed things as it did for me. It would seem that it is those very suppressed things that hold a big key to what is still existing in our energy field and causing us to be a match for him.

    I would want to scream of frustration, after another `attack’ because I knew that i had so much more work to do on myself.

    I often remembered Melanie`s words about the level of joy waiting on the other side, being in proportion to the level of pain we were experiencing.

    I want to share that immediately after an attack, I once asked myself what I was feeling at that exact moment. The words – feeling DIFFERENT and SEPARATE to others came up strongly for me. My bizarre life made me feel this disconnection from others. BUT….. these were qualities I had also felt all my life. His nasty actions were just highlighting what I had actually always felt.

    So I focussed on these feelings specifically using the MP3 on goal setting. The interesting truth is that the Narc carries those exact qualities and so the perfect match was taking place.

    And yes, an awareness of the Law of Attraction really creates self empowerment which is what we actively do during the modules, when we release and shift things that do not create the things we desire and then rather become aligned with what we actually want.

  13. Vanessa, thank you for your compliment. You strike me as a very strong woman.

    I would like to say that it is important to forgive ourselves for not noticing the red flags sooner or ignoring them. Remember we were never taught to trust our intuition, to trust OUR thoughts and opinions and decisions. We were very often severely co dependent, always needing others to give us the permission to make a decision.

    You say you so much wish you could start over. I must be honest and say that if you had never met him, in particular, another Narc would have been the one to provide the lessons for you. I used to cry with deep pain myself, wishing with all my heart, I had never laid eyes on him.

    But now, I acknowledge that he has been my biggest and most profound teacher in this lifetime. He has given me countless of opportunities to become the very best I can be and to finally, finally, take off my mask and live authentically. He and your Narc have just been the vehicle that has provided these opportunities for us.

    We must grab this powerfully with both hands. If we do not, we will most certainly have to learn these lessons from someone else and it will be harder because we did not `get it’ the first time.

    I have learnt from my own unexpected third pregnancy, that to the Narc, the baby renders you `more disempowered’ and more hooked to him. So this is why there is no interest.

    The feelings of love you say you still have for him, will keep you horribly hooked and in further great pain. It is vital that you begin the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Programme. It will completely help you to see the illusion and realize that nothing was ever real for him. It is sad, I know, when we first realize this, but it truly empowers one. Even though I had stopped loving him a long time ago, these modules helped me tremendously when I had to release the pain of seeing him with someone else.

    I wish you well on your journey and may your new baby bring much strength and its own gifts to your life.

    1. Dear Rozanne,

      You’re very welcome. Thank you for giving me so much more clarity in what you have wrote … You’re absolutely right and I know I have thought this before … My anger is what keeps me from having this in the front of my mind at all times, where it needs to be (never forgetting it, either).  I have gotten much stronger over the years but after this, I am re-building, especially with my emotions being out of whack from pregnancy.  I became very emotional reading this … I can tell you know exactly how and what I feel and that really means so much … 

      You are also right about knowing that the way I was raised by my narc sociopathic mother, I was never allowed to make a decision.  Making decisions now are a lot easier for me since I have had many years of practice, but they used to cause me so much stress and anxiety! Oh, how you know this! 😉  Boundaries, are still a little tough for me … As strong as I have become, I know I have more work to do.  I really look forward to that, from this program. I am optimistic to know that instinctively, I have been on the right track (that is why when I found Melanie’s website and started reading, I was blown away).  I have seen other sites where they talked about it, text book and people made comments I can relate to, but the way Melanie breaks it down is on a whole new level … That is the confirmation and affirmation I need to keep on this … I am on the right track, praise God for leading me to see this … I just need to stay on track now (keep focused) … Gratefully, that is what you and Melanie are instilling in us (with the power & tools we need). Especially, with the no contact … I have been doing this all along and going longer each time with no contact, but now I know I just need to stick with it for good. The good Lord never leaves us or forsakes us, is true!  I have just been led …  

      I know what you are saying is dead on & I am grateful that you are reminding me of the things that I need to be consistently mindful of … this has happened for a reason & I need to heal at the root of it, so it doesn’t happen again.  Thank you for also keeping me in the present by reminding me that if it were not him, it would have been another NARC.  You are so right about that (I have thought this before too) & it really is an eye opening thought (not to ever forget). I really need to heal from this once & for all.

      What you said about loving him … when I was doing fine not associating with him before, and not caring or loving him … I was OK.  The moment chaos returned (at the hands of his so called best friend who messed us over) & I broke that 2 month silence, it was like tearing the scab off the wound and starting all over again … from the promises that he laid out that I knew were never going to come to fruition (just to reel me back in). Then, I started feeling that love for him, again.  But, how could I?? I agree with you … I need to stop it, already.  Would it be easier if I were not pregnant with messed up emotions or is this just part of it?? Sometimes, I feel like I am doing well, then after I read your response I feel like I have a long way to go.  I have wept reading through it (several times) as your words are so real to me & I know we have felt exactly the same.

      I do need to forgive myself, not beat myself up, & just move on.

      Yes, you are also right with what you said about the baby.  He only came to one visit to find out the sex (this has been really hard on me) always me, myself, and I, doing everything, ALONE. No support from him or family. The (countless) visits are always doubled up, being high risk, too…. Always there alone while everyone else has their husbands & family (the second time for me as it was like this with my son, too). How I wished for something opposite, this time around … I really need to learn my lessons, here … I would weep so much, feeling sorry for us …Then, I found it so odd in the parking lot before he left … he made a mocking comment about how I am having his baby (can’t remember exactly, it was so twisted) … haha (his mockery). He has also made comments about how we will always be tied to each other because of her and I know that is what the parking lot comment was in relation to … I always thought these comments as odd & not normal. Because they are …

      I can’t thank you enough, for taking the time to write & for giving the encouragement needed to move forward, in the right direction. I am inspired knowing you are farther along in the process of healing, & that it is working for you. I will never forget your words … you have really hit home. I am saving what you have written so I can re-read it when I need to. You’re intelligent, kind, supportive, & helpful. You & your family will be in my thoughts & prayers, Rozanne. Big hugs … O:-) Much Love, Vanessa

      1. dear Vanessa, I have been where you are, except I kept him around for the baby and their bonding…not good….she too suffered a conception,gestation,birthing and infancy surrounded by abuse and mayhem. We have been away now for 8 months and we are happy vital thriving people.The abuse never stops or gets better, it only escalates. I ended up being severely endangered many times and had a near death experience after loosing a second child and receiving extreme abuse for this. Please stay strong and true sister and know you have hormones at work also, so be kind to yourself when you are feeling grief of these bonding hormones. I have been thru all of this and more, I understand. I send you love and hope.Sincerely, Rachel RoseXXX

  14. No more self denial – thank you for your lovely words. I remember jumping out of bed in the morning, eager to see what Melanie had replied to my email. I ALWAYS felt her right beside me and the renewed strength and guidance I had was incredibly wonderful.

  15. Wow, what an incredible story Rozanne. I truly, deeply admire you and all other amazing women (and men) who are managing to come back from and thrive after this degree of abuse that you are describing. Luckily I had my “awakening” and found Melanie without having to go quite so far down the abyss, but I have no doubt that that’s the road that was ahead of me, if I hadn’t. NARP is doing wonders for me as well.
    What strength there is in the human heart when we finally see the truth!
    Love to all of you

  16. Janet Eirwen, Thank you for your kind words.

    I have found that still being legally married to him, and living in the `family home’ like I did, brought much entitlement. I believe that the divorce will be a very big `hook’ that is finally out of the way. They still see us as their wife and a possession, so I would go ahead and not let that stop you.

    I am finding that he is not even interested in our new home- remember it is not the home where we lived as a family . I believe that a different home brings about a change in the Narcissistic supply as well. I think he is spending more time pondering how I can still be choosing a life without him.

    Remember that as long as you carry fear in you, you will attract him into your space. Why? Because a Narc himself is full of fear and this makes you a perfect match for him.

    Module 8 of the Narcissistic Recovery Programme is outstanding for this. It releases this fear and then you feel more empowered and safe and you will not be spending time worrying about his next move. You are then not a match for him.

    My heart is with you as you claim your power. I know how big this was for me. And I know you will succeed.

  17. Thank you for sharing your courageous story Rozanne..which gives me strength. The pain from my narcissistic relationship opened wounds from my childhood that have been long buried. It’s a cruel teacher but ultimately life changing to take responsibly for my co dependance and gratefulness for fake love. Now I can truly learn to love myself unconditionally like you have. Melanie’s words are the only thing that has truly made sense. thank you!

  18. Liv you are absolutely right when you say that there is so much strength in the human heart. When we live with Narcissism and abuse, it does not even feel like we have a heart anymore because we feel so pertually empty and dead inside.

    But when we face TRUTH, we really do come alive and great determination sets in for our soul to thrive. Thank you for your lovely message.

  19. Thank you for sharing your courageous story Rozanne..which gives me strength. The pain from my narcissistic relationship opened wounds from my childhood that have been long buried. It’s a cruel teacher but ultimately life changing to take responsibly for my co dependance and gratefulness for fake love. Now I can truly learn to love myself unconditionally like you have. Thanks for this website Melanie, it’s life saving.

    1. Hi Sharon,

      you are so welcome, and it is wonderful that you are taking the gift of healing yourself, and the old emotional patterns as a result of this experience.

      That is what evolving and growing towards a new life is all about 🙂

      Mel xo

  20. Rozane and all others who have risen from a long period of N abuse, my most sincere respects! My experience lasted around two years and being the worst abuse from the N during the last five months and while pregnant! Happy to be now far away and a year of complete NC things are starting to look better, Im starting to again feel joy in my life, though still need to work in my co-dependecies and theres still a long way to go, your story is VERY INSPIRING! Their is light, I know someday I will become financially independent and I will deal better with the Fact the N is the father of my daughter! And all will change even more, by the time my inside changes and evolves enough for the outside to reflect this change! Again thank you and Melanie for being such role models and amazing support! THANK YOU 🙂

  21. Sharon Lee I am so happy my story has given you strength.

    I agree old wounds do get exposed during this kind of healing. The reality is that this origin is where the wound actually started and the Narcissistic abusive partner is indeed cruel but it is exactly at this level of pain that we choose to heal or die, literally or in spirit.

    I recall very cruel teachers way back in primary school who showed me then already how easily I feared life and others and how easily I could allow myself to be terrorized by someone else.

  22. I have so much to say, I can’t even get the words out! First, THANK YOU, ROZANNE for sharing your story–my jaw drops when i read how similar our backgrounds are. The overfunctioning, caretaker mom and the hardworking, emotionally unavailable father, being shut down when you speak up. Keeping the peace. Keeping quiet! I was in the relationship with the narc for 10 horrific years and we have a 6 yr old daughter. I’ve recently found Melanie’s work and it is truly a GODSEND! As an energetic healer myself, one may think this should all be been-there done-that but NOOO!! I’ve learned how our very sensitivity, the high degree of empathy and psychic awareness can render us prime narc targets and now with Melanie’s awesome program, I’m coming back to myself after being bankrupt on many levels. “Permission to dream bigger”–YES!! To live joyfully, abundantly and authentically without terror of the next shoe dropping! It’s truly NEVER too late! God bless you all!

  23. Thanks for sharing your story Rozanne. I see a lot of parallels despite many differences.

    It’s good to read that you are on the other side and have healed a lot. You’ve given me a lot of hope by telling your story.

    I do have a couple questions: With NARP, there’s writing involved so, how do you combine walking the dogs with it? Do you just think the stuff you’d write?

    I’ve seen others comment that they listen while falling asleep. Have you found benefit even without doing the writing part?

    Thanks.

  24. Rozanne — thanks for your encouraging story! I have a question — has your ex’s behavior changed or does he still try to attack you emotionally? I did what you did and revoked a restraining order, thinking he’d be grateful. Nope, he thinks it’s an admission that he did nothing wrong.

    He doesn’t physically abuse me, although when we were still married he would use physical intimidation. We’ve been divorced for almost 4 years and each day seems to get worse. The stronger I stick to my boundaries, the harder he tries to crash through them. At this point, he’s not above using the kids to draw me into communication with him. They are suffering.

    He has remarried and so have I, which I thought would mean that his attention would turn to her and he’d leave me alone. Instead, she’s an extension of him and is as unreasonable. In addition, they somehow developed a relationship with my new husband’s ex-wife (after we started dating and not knowing her previously) and have shared information back and forth that has had a lot of negative ramifications.

    I have a lovely life except for that part. I love my kids and they love me. I love my new husband and he loves me. I’m going to school to be able to get a job I’ll love and I have some very good friends. The only black cloud is the (almost) daily emails from my ex telling me what a horrible person/mother I am.

    Is it that I’m still attracting that hostility because I’m still afraid of it? How will it ever not cause panic to see his name pop up on my phone or in my inbox? Any suggestions you can give would be great. Thanks!!!

  25. I am adding something here that just re-occurred to me.

    I am finding that my emotions can be a bit stony. I’m not really crying a lot (anymore) and that kind of worries me…especially when reading stuff that triggers me or doing NARP. It’s like I’m numbing myself from the tears and I know that’s not healthy or healing.

    I know I’m probably overwhelmed since it was just a year after the relationship/entanglement ended with Mr. N that my father got sick. I ended up in a situation of care-taking for my father along with my sibs. My sibs pretty much walked all over me and my mother got involved at one point and caused some triangulation and I felt very much like a scapegoat. It really taught me the true dynamic of my family, although I had some idea already, this really brought it home so to speak. I’m learning and becoming much more aware of my role. But I am definitely angry at them as well as myself for their treatment and me not sticking up for myself.

    And then my father died in April so there’s the grieving of his loss on top of it despite the fact that he was a narcissist or at least narcissistic.

    I was doing the #2 audio last night and I was getting angry so I do count that as a charge for sure. But when there wasn’t a charge at one point, I questioned whether it was that there was truly no charge and I’d cleared stuff or if I was just becoming numb.

    Any thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this and then broke through at some point? Any one of you here is welcome to comment. Thank you.

    PS. I’m sure this is a topic for the FB group, but I’m not able to be on FB right now. So I’m sorry and I hope this doesn’t step on any toes.

    1. Hi Luann,

      can you let me know if you are using muscle testing to check if there is a charge left or if your are ‘numbing’?

      If you are numbing then by using the goal setting Mp3 in NARP you will be able to clear the beliefs and emotional blocks that are causing you to numb out – and then you will statrt flowing with feeling and clearing again…

      The first starting point is muscle testing – let me know if you are – or if you haven’t picked up that information yet.

      Mel xo

      1. No I have not been muscle testing. Where do I pick up that information?

        I have tried it in the past by myself, (I don’t have anyone that can help me with it) and I found it to be very subjective and I’m never clear on my results of it, when I do it on my own I mean. It’s been done TO me by others and it does work, but I am financially unable to go to someone for it at this time.

        The muscle testing I’ve done on my own is the one using my fingers, but like I said it doesn’t feel accurate.

        I am open to your suggestions though. I didn’t know I was supposed to muscle test myself.

        I will be doing the MP3 you suggest tonight though for sure. Thanks Mel.

        1. I just looked for the goal setting mp3 and didn’t see one with that title. Can you, Mel (or anyone who knows) tell me which one it is?

          I’m guessing it the one entitled “Creating your new life…” but am not sure and want to make sure I’m doing the right one. I’m so ready to move forward as quickly as possible.

          Thank you in advance for that info.

          1. Hi Luann,

            yes it is ‘Creating Your New Life’…

            I will email you the muscle testing information.

            Let me know how this next step goes for you or if you need any more insight / tweaking..

            Great you are excited and eager – because a powerful breakthrough awaits!

            Mel xo

  26. Froxy I am so glad to hear that you are coming back to yourself. That is such a wonderful feeling.

    Having the permission now to dream bigger is a really BIG one for all of us because of how tiny our minds and worlds were. We truly did not exist in our own life at all. Once I was not living in the same home with him any longer, I realized with a shock that besides our life being about his opinions, his friends, even his music was what played in the home when family or friends visited. I was completely hidden and nowhere to be found.

    As long as we are still breathing, it is never too late to make choices that move us into a better more empowered space. We owe that to ourselves.

  27. Luann, it is wonderful that you feel hope again.

    When I walk our dogs, I go into the forest, where they can run free. I would have a small notebook and pen in my pocket which I use during the module which has been loaded onto my phone. I stop to write things down which is easy because the dogs are not on a lead. The surrounding sacredness adds to the bringing in of the peace and healing as I shift.

    I also always write things down when doing a module. Afterwards jotting down the key points on another page is helpful for when you`d like a quick glance at where you were a week ago or month ago. The writing down, for me, is a very important part because as I write the feelings within flow easier and there are times when you almost can’t believe what just came from your pen as the inner truths come out.

    Also during very painful shifts, the pen shows the intensity of our feelings during that shift by the way we write. When I go back and look at these notes, I not only see the high rating I gave myself but those kind of marks I made, makes me filled with compassion for myself, for how I can now write about that same issue without the obvious pain and anger showing all over the page.

    I play the healing meditation while falling asleep. I hope this has helped you.

  28. Hi Rozanne.
    I really identify with the day you realized you had been thinking of your dreams and goals instead of obsessing over the N. I remember being surprised, delighted and inspired and it was all due to NARP. What a relief! I feel my mind is my own and getting more so everyday. I wish you nothing but the best.

  29. Luann, about your second post – the intense anger you feel about the dynamics of your family is important. When we live in a strongly co dependent, enmeshed relationship with others, we quietly deep inside feel we do not have the right to feel that we have been treated in a way that did not feel right or good to us.

    Boundaries are not easily accepted in these kind of relationships and can make one feel very guilty when we are not meeting all their needs, which of course, we know now, is not our responsibility but theirs.

    We can even feel guilty and bad about ourselves for even acknowledging the uncomfortable parts of our families, esp, when our emotions are seen as not being appreciative of the good aspects.

    This could be why you are feeling stony and not able to really feel into your emotions. Sometimes the mother in the family, wants peace so much, wants her children to get along, that it comes at a cost to our true feelings. This can easily happen.

    Module 1 could be very good at releasing the pain and loss you are feeling on so many levels. You could even be grieving the loss of the kind of family you thought you had.

    I hope this has helped you gain clarity and I really wish you much love and strength as you heal.

  30. Thanks, Rozanne, your story is very inspiring and has clearly given many, including myself, hope. I would like to pose a question to Melanie and anyone out there who feels they can help…

    I broke up with my narc only a few weeks ago (for the 4th time in a year…bad sign, I know). I broke no contact last weekend after about 10 successful days when he started saying he loved me (for the first time and over text-manipulative move, I know) but am back to being strong about it. I feel myself struggling and am reading the blog and as many articles as I can often, although I understand your message that information alone will not be enough. I feel that to be true already. I am eager to do what I need to do to move on from this. I have done the sample QFH once and have a question…I am doubting myself in my ability to understand it or do it correctly…I like the idea behind it and am open to purchasing the program and doing it more but I am curious…Melanie talks a lot about how our cognitive mind cannot fix us and it needs to happen from the inside out….and I feel completely willing to do that work….for years I have actually felt like there is something inside me I need to shift, I have literally thought about it…that I want to feel differently and that would attract a happier life. But I haven’t known how to get there. I am not afraid of how hard it is to do the work, I truly want to. It can’t be harder than continuing to have love equal pain. I know there are a million stories out there on this site, but I will share mine as briefly as I can and maybe that will help to know the direction to send me…

    My first real relationship lasted 6 years and was wonderful. He was 100% loving and respectful all the time. We were very very close and he would have been a wonderful life partner. We talked about marriage and kids and that was always the plan. Then I was raped and completely pushed him away. We were so close, I didn’t know how to share the emotion with him, or chose not to for whatever reason…now from reading the info on this site, I feel like it was me chosing to cling to unhealed parts that said I wasn’t good enough for love, rather than turn to him, lean on him, and let him love me through it. I let the rape confirm the unhealed parts and be my truth. My boyfriend equaled love so he had to go. Suddenly that did not fit with my identity. To this day I miss him. Anyway, since then, the men I have attracted and welcomed into my life have been dysfunctional and very withholding. The N I have been with over the last year has not gotten into very serious abuse toward me, but knowing what a loving relationship is and that that is what I want, I could not stay with him. I have seen too many things from him that he does that are not true of real love. He is randomly cruel to me and then has zero empathy or accountability. He twists things, confuses things, and is always flirting with any woman in sight. He has all stereotypical behaviors of the Narcs you talk about and I could see how I could easily stay wrapped up in this for years. I am a perfect match for him right now. I know that even though I am being strong with no contact right now, I am still a match for him and likely to slip again and end up back at square one. I still question getting back with him next time he reaches out and I know that even if I don’t, I am likely to attract another similar relationship. I deeply fear either ending up attached to a narc for decades, or going through a series of dysfunctional relationships that don’t last and continue to hurt. I know I need to change something to avoid allowing these scenarios to come true.

    I want to do the inner work that Melanie speaks of….my question is this, I feel like in listening to the QFH, it was just me doing more thinking0, which I know is not what it is supposed to be. I felt like it was me trying to convince myself of truths that I think I beileve and want to believe, but I don’t know that I really do….I am letting myself get emotional and be honest about unhealed parts, I am crying and writing them down, and envisioning them leaving me…but I feel like trying to let it go and shift is a lot like thinking about it and I don’t know that I am feeling it like I should…obviously I am in my mind about it instead of at the body level like Mel speaks of…does that make sense? I want to do it and do it right….is it too soon after breaking from my narc? Is it because I don’t feel the deep fear or hopelessnes that many of you out there do? I feel like I know I could go down a path to end up there with this man, but I am not choosing that for my life. It hurts and his hard to let him go, but I know I need to. Life with him was a rollercoaster and I felt myself sacrificing myself and my happiness more and more every day, but just not to the level that so many speak about yet. As soon as I broke up with him and read the NARP information, I did feel an initial relief…but after doing the QFH sample, I didn’t feel dramatically different. I have hope in reading all the success stories, but I worry that I am the only one feeling this way. I just wondered if Melanie or any of you had any thoughts or guidance for me as I try to move forward. If I need to do it again but with a different frame of mind, I am willing….I would appreciate any guidance any of you have very much.

    thanks and much love!

    1. Hi Maggie,

      Please understand that the sample QFH you have done is NOT specific to narc abuse – it does not go directly to the wounds that you need to shift in the way that the specific healings in NARP do.

      Some people can use the sample healings to shift narc abuse, (usually people who have had success with energy work prior and can adapt it for what they need) and many people do need the more specific healings to heal from narc abuse.

      Most definetely with your openness to understanding how powerful and vital the inner work is and being prepared to commit yourself to that work you wouldn’t have a problem with NARP being effective for you – all you have to do is follow the instructions and any ‘tweaks’ or questions necessary just email me! Simple!

      Yes you have had a tough time and there are absolutely unhealed inner parts which need adjusting…

      When you do the MP3s it is energetic, your mind is simple directing through visualisation and theta brain work (the frequency of the healing) your subconscious.

      The QFH format is speaking to your subconscious directly in a language it understands….all you have to do is follow the instructions with your visualisations and the energy frquency of the healing does the rest – people even have results whilst playing the healings in their sleep and actively doing ‘nothing’…but of course the best results hppen if you are ‘present’..

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  31. I just so wish women were a bit more clued up about Narcs in general. It would seem to me that women get sold a Romance narrative, only to discover that some relationships are founded on the inappropriate use of control and power. Maybe things like this should be included on the PSHE school curriculum? I don’t have a daughter, but if I did, I would certainly make sure I educated properly on relationship issues.

    Well done to Rozanne for escaping – her words demonstrate just how resilient the human spirit can be, when given the right tools. Forgiveness and Loving yourself is vital for healing and recovery.

    This woman had a home, a car and a fully functioning life before her partner came along, and ended up in a drugged up haze to dull the pain. It’s just so scary.

    To all those women out there – it’s totally unromantic, but protect your assets at all cost. Do not allow anyone to rob you of your independence and self-sufficiency.

    Hugs to everyone in the Narcissistic Recovery Community. xx

  32. Giraffe, I can really feel the pain you are still in.

    The more I practiced No Contact and refused him entry onto our property, the worse he became, even banging his vehicle against our gate at 2 am in the morning. I felt frustrated beyond words that he could not accept my disinterest and thought he would never go away. Sticking to my policy of No Contact has paid off as well as working hard at changing my vibration. Remember I mentioned that I had to painfully admit that there was still something in me attracting him into my space.

    Now he does not even drop off the children at the house because he knows I won’t open the gate, even when they are with him. So I collect them from a neutral place.

    The emotional attacks are actually over long ago. I have a cellphone number and email he is not aware of. I closed the email account he used to email me on. I use email addresses that don’t contain my name. I have decided to use a specific email address for my children`s teachers so that if he discovers this, I can easily close the account without other people having to be notified.

    I have a separate cell phone which I use when my children are with him, and I call them from this number only. It helped when they each received their own phone and I no longer have to dial his number to speak to them.

    In our previous home, I never answered the landline in case it was him. The children would answer. Whenever he wanted to speak to me, I would literally take my keys and make a move towards my car so that the children could tell him I was going out and could not speak. If this was not possible, I would take the phone but put it down on the table and walk away while he spoke to no one. It would infuriate him so much that he would then appear at our gate threatening to ram it down. So it took a lot of `walking my truth’ to keep showing him I was serious about my boundaries.

    At school functions and sport matches our son plays, I do not recognize him and always stand with a group of other moms laughing and being very happy. This confuses them so very much as they cannot understand how we can behave like this when they are `trying to destroy us’. When he does have to say something, I look the other way and just nod and then walk away.

    My whole attitude is: `You are just no longer my reality. Nothing you have tried to do has affected me. My life goes on. I choose laughter.’

    Remember they have seen mainly tears and devastation in us for so long. Now they see a completely other vibration coming from us.

    Receiving emails from him will keep you horribly hooked and always in pain. Try to get a third party to relay important information. The backwards and forwards information between him, his partner and others is also not your business or reality any longer . It truly does not matter what he says or thinks about you. This is the second big hook I see.

    I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Narcissistic abuse Recovery Programme will create a very different experience for you. There is still so much of yourself living in that old life and because you are still hooked with the emails and what he says, you are unfortunately still providing narcissistic supply for him and being a match for his vibration.

    He needs to see and feel a very different you to the one he knows. I truly wish you many blessings and much love as you move ahead and begin feeling the freedom waiting for you.

  33. Thank you Rozanne for posting your story. It came at a much needed time. I have been married for 10 years and subject to physcial, sexual, emotional and now spiritual abuse. I am tired. Know what I think is the right thing to do, but can’t seem to get the guts to go ahead with divorce proceedings. I had him arrested a few years ago and had a restraining order, yet foolishly allowed him back into the house. He is self-employed and uses whatever money he makes for his own interests; and feels that since i “Lied” about the assault, I need to pay for all of the bills including the mortgage, car, insurances, etc. He does watever he wants all day and I maintain full time employment as a career professional. When the original divorce papers were produced, he ran to the church and is now a born-again Christian and donates his time and money to the church along with pleasantries; and, then comes home on a verbal and spiritual rampage spouting off Bible verses and referring to me as a Pharisee with whom he will not sit with in church. I go to counseling; but he will not. However, I have been told that counseling will not help him….and that I need to get out with my son. He has threatened to take my son. I could go on for hours, just like anyone could. I just feel so lost. How can I feel so wrong about everything and feel so guilty when I know that what our relationship is is NOT right???? I am tired of the pity party that I have put myself in…..I cannot go on like this. He has severed relationships with friends and family and I am alone in all of this. It is good to learn that others have made it “to the other side”.

    1. hi Smbl…our stories here are all sooo intertwined, My ex also became a born again and uses the bible to abuse, can you even beleieve that ? One night I found him praying for god to crucify people in my life.
      He dreams of becoming a pastor, he helps the homeless and chairs AA meetings. But he now abuses his mother whom he lives with because she is a devout hindu. She fears him.
      He has smashed her alters on many occasions.
      This is fraudulent to my own understandings of spirituality.
      However. I got away, my life is soooo much better, I am only new here as of today, but please please lean on us as source of strength and understanding. I left without any of this and it is the single most challenging thing I have ever done, It is a blessing you are here now. Take shelter dear lady and gain in courage, everyone here understands. Sending you love and light.XXX

  34. Madonna, it is indeed an absolutely priceless, beautiful, awesome feeling when it hits home that our days and our minds are beginning to be filled with thoughts of OUR dreams, our goals.

    I remember that also contributed to him starting to feel far away. When I was living IN my own world, my fears of him also lessened considerably as the focus was on something so much much more solid and purposeful.

    Thank you so much for your wishes. I absolutely wish the same joy and abundance for you.

  35. Thank for sharing, Rozzane, and thank you Mel for all this work.

    Your story helps me in one way – sometimes one needs to review and redo sessions. It’s good to remember this. It also raises the question – my kids need to be safe also, and have also been subject to abuse (psychological, verbal, emotional)from their dad. IN good moments I know they are safe now; at other times I get very fearful that they may be assigned/forced to spend time with their dad alone and not be safe. Advice?

    Blessings and joy to you –

    Val

  36. Madonna it is indeed an awesome, amazing and beautiful feeling when we start thinking about and planning OUR dreams and goals. When I started doing this, I also felt an increased freedom and he began to feel further and further away.

    Thank you for your kind blessing and I certainly wish the same joy and abundance for you too.

  37. Nicola – Jane thank you for your comment.

    I`d like to add that looking back, I see how totally disempowering it was to not even continue to have a bank account. I was quite ashamed to admit that I only opened an account for myself after 13 yrs. YES that is scary.

    After having had a business account and personal account before my first child was born, this was a big sign of how I was so happy for him to have complete control of money. It is a big sign of my feelings of undeservedness regarding money.

    I have been doing the MP3 to find my deep limiting beliefs about why money was something I chose to give up for myself and stay far away from. I have received some very amazing answers during the shifts.

    I would like to strongly encourage other stay at home moms to continue having a personal bank account and to feel deserving of depositing something regularly that only you know about.

    It sounds contrived, but I want to really, really emphasize the importance of money giving us CHOICES. If I had choices I would not have had to subject my children and I to so much moving around and so many times that we did not have money for basic items. I also would not have stayed in the same home enduring the abuse until my safety was so compromised.

    Nicola – Jane is right when she says we should not allow ourselves to be robbed of self sufficiency.

  38. Ann I am so pleased that you feel inspired to do the modules more regularly. That effort will bring so much more freedom, insight and healing.

    I was addicted to stilpane tablets. Because of their addictive quality it can only be given via a doctor`s prescription. Stilpane is very effective for pain relief. BUT it contains codeine and another substance called meprobamate. It is the meprobamate that causes a similar effect as heroine as I was explained by the doctor at the clinic I was supposed to go to.

    Stilpane gives one an extremely relaxed, high feeling and whatever pain I felt was quickly shut down. After awhile, I had to increase the quantities because the feel good feelings were starting to become shut down as well.

    I could not begin my day without them. I could not leave the house without them or socialize without them. I certainly took them just before he came home from work and after each abusive or manipulative episode.

    Ann this was three years ago and even though he denied me access to in and out patient therapy, I still went through the detox period at my mom`s home and then consulted a substance abuse therapist on a weekly basis.

    What I can tell you is that Melanie has spoken of the MP3 on goal setting to release any addictions. It is vital to know that the substance abuse will not create a clear head and heart for you to heal yourself fully. It has to be removed from your life so that you can fully feel into and face the pain within you.

    We hid behind our preferred substance and the pain and truth will remain suppressed. My heart is right there with you as you courageously claim and honour your feelings. I know you can do this and when the substance is no longer there, I promise you that the extent to which you shut out the pain, that is the extent of the JOY you will be able to feel. I say this because when I was addicted, I could no longer feel joy in any way. Now combine this with the freedom that the MP3 will give you….. Much much love.

    1. I smoked Pot every day, it helped me stop thinking about him and the hideous abuse and get on with my own thing.
      I quit this crutch a few months ago as I began recovering my sence of self. NOw my moods are even, my creativity alive and I am a much more present fun mother.
      However I did have to face all the painfull feelings without the smoke, but in reality it passed rather quickly and returning to balance has shifted most of it.
      NO more masking and hiding for this little cooky ! I just want reality now. And more importantly my VITALITY and health have become my number one focus.

  39. Ann I would also like to add that not only do we deserve to be free of any addiction but our children deserve a mother who is fully present as they truly become very neglected during this time.

    I always remember Melanie`s words of how our children follow our energy and it would be wonderful to give them this gift of our empowerment.

  40. Looking back I wish with all my heart I had known about NARP during my substance abuse recovery.

    I was trying to do it all `through my head’ and I can tell you it was a very very slow and painful journey. The triggers could have been dealt with so much more effectively .

    I can honestly say that even though I did not relapse, NARP has finally healed all those triggers that continued to remain in my vibration even after all the therapy.

  41. smbl, I can see the pain you are in.

    Firstly it is vital that you begin the NARP programme if you have not done so yet. There is so much projection happening and it is leaving you feeling guilty and like you are `not good enough’. This is so damaging for your self esteem and self worth. It is NOT going to get better.

    Counselling does not work for this kind of person as they have zero accountability. There is a module No 5 that really heals your need to make him accountable. This will already free you so much to move on with your life, without him.

    There are modules that will help you heal the illusion of what kind of man you thought he was. You will also be able to immediately get relief from this unbearable pain and shock you are living with daily.

    Melanie has explained that our bodies become addicted to the abuse via a peptide addiction where the body becomes hooked to whatever emotion is `regularly running through our bodies’ as she says.

    So the modules will stop this for you as well and you will gain the courage to honour yourself.

    You will also get to the point where no amount of fake behavior from him about the church or anything else, will affect you, as you will KNOW exactly what and who he is and more importantly, you will absolutely KNOW what YOU are all about and what YOU stand for.

    My heart is with you as you claim your life back beautifully. So much love and strength to you.

  42. Valerie Wedel, I understand this fear as I used to feel this way that my children would be emotionally abused as they have been many times when they have visited him.

    They now deal with the father`s new live in partner who does not make them feel good either.

    Melanie suggested I do an MP3 goal setting about their safety and how they are able to stand in their own solidness. She even gave me the exact wording to use, but I unfortunately cannot remember it right now.

    Also, it is very important to teach our children what Melanie teaches us over and over. We have no control over what he is or is not doing. Our happiness cannot depend on whether he does or does not get his act together. The only power and control we have is over our own reaction.

    I`m trying to instill this in my children. I am also teaching them the importance of turning away and not engaging when things start to become out of hand.

    I also do Module 8 to release this fear so that I don’t send them off to him with that fearful energy.

    I wish you much joy and many blessings too.

  43. Rozanne, I want to say thank you for all your responses to everyone as well as myself.

    I walk a dog for someone so allowing him to walk off leash isn’t an option. But I think I might try it when I walk over to get him, although I won’t be able to write.

    Your insight has been really helpful both to what I wrote and to what others have to say.

    It’s weird that a lot of stuff about my family, particularly my sister came up during module #2. And I do agree that I am mourning what could’ve been as far as my family goes. It’s even more “on the surface” now after the tough time I had with my family during my father’s illness and then with his passing. Him being gone still doesn’t feel real.

  44. Luann it has truly been such a pleasure to help and guide where I could.

    I do remember Melanie speaking about our intention being very important. In the new QFH self empowerment modules, she actually uses the word: `intend’ So even this conscious act on your part when you cannot write, speaks to your subconscious that you are willing and ready to shift and heal.

    Keep shifting those unhealed parts about your sister as they are important. Try using the MP3 on goal setting here as well. You WILL come out to the other side.

    Our hearts are with you as you work through the loss of your dad. xoxo

  45. Hi Rozanne
    I got a divorce recently after being in a narcissistic relationship for 40 years.
    Your story is one I can identify with and am in the process of moving forward on a journey to heal myself and regain a life without fear and anxiety.

  46. Anyta this is so beautiful to hear that you are claiming your life back.

    Yes we absolutely deserve to live without that fear and anxiety. I find myself walking around with such gratitude to be able to live without that kind of fear we have known.

    When I feel incredibly centered and peaceful, it is like a huge gift I will never ever take for granted. Well done !!!

  47. Rozanne, thank you so much for sharing your experiences with our community here. Such an inspirational journey and beautiful to hear and feel in your responses how much you are now enjoying life !
    Thank you also for creating such a wonderful sharing from others here on this page, it created a beautiful conversation and so much mutual support for writers and readers!

    My question for you if I may, is regarding the work you did on correcting your deserving ness and management of money. I wondered which Module you used and how you approached this specific issue. It’s been an issue for me also so one I need to clear and change.
    Love and blessings to you
    And may the Angels be with you always
    And with everyone here.

  48. Hi Rozanne, congratulations on breaking free from a life of torment. I’m also very grateful for Melanie who I found in similar circumstances. Its meant t be. Thanks for sharing your story. I was married to a narcissist for 28 years until the beginning of this year. My life has completely changed. I ‘bumped’ into him for the first time in months a few days ago and I knew immediately that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Thanks to Mel & the NARP program I am living a new, free, empowered chapter of my life x and it’s wonderful 🙂

  49. Val, thank you for your lovely post.I really appreciate that you have found the conversations so supportive.

    I will be honest and say that I am still in the process of creating this deservedness of money and financial independence.

    Module 9 really brought a revelation to me that I was subconsciously addicted to my financial dependence on him. Even though I had broken free emotionally and was doing No Contact very well, this was still a `hook’ I needed to release.

    Without NARP, I would never have realized that my financial ties to him were so very strong and the deep fear I had of releasing this hold.

    I then used the MP3 on goal setting where I wanted my beliefs about money and also this connection between money and him to be shown to me. This turned out to be very powerful for me and I could understand why it had been so difficult to gain financial independence even though basic needs were not always provided by him. I wish you lots of love and many blessings too

    I then used Module 2 of the new QFH self empowerment course which is about creating trust and belief in myself.

    I definitely feel like my body is holding less and less of these negative beliefs and I have that `knowing’ feeling that I can be `a source to myself’ on this topic. My mind used to tell me this but my body and emotions were really not ready to align with this, while I carried all those fears.

    I too wish you lots of love, blessings and angelic support as well.

    1. Thank you so much Rozanne.
      I appreciate these suggestions.
      I know I have more subconscious beliefs to heal.

  50. Tatiana, thank you so very much.

    I am delighted to hear your new chapter is so good and empowering. Well done.!!!

  51. Wow! I felt speechless for what you’ve endured a d how you came out with such wisdom and freedom. Hope I’ll be next.
    I feel that NARP should have a version that speaks to people who have unhealed parts in general, not just necessarily people who’ve been abused by a narc, but to people who’ve been in abusive relationships with oneself and with others.

    Thanks inspiring and beautiful ladies…

    1. Hi Abeer,

      thank you for your post.

      NARP does cater for healing any form of abuse, and that does not have to be from an initimate partner. Many people have used it effectively outside of definitive ‘narcissituic abuse’.

      Mel xo

  52. Abeer, thank you for your kind words.

    Working this programme, you will certainly claim your worth and freedom as well.

    Many blessings to you on your journey.

  53. Hi Melanie,
    I just have one true dilemma: I’m a true believer and religious, and have all my life believed that God is the only healer and savior, so I keep telling my self how will I rely on a program to save me instead of talking to God, how will a program be my daily resort instead of going to the only big source, God.

    Please for your wisdom…
    Thanks so much

    1. Hi Mary,

      I also believe in ‘God’…it is just my belief may be different from yours. My ‘God’ is expansive – he / she is creation, within me, surrounds me, is always with me, and ‘brings messages’ to me in so many unlimited ways…

      It could be the words in a song, it could be the next line I read in a book, it could be the words from a person I meet on the street, or it could be through a certain Progam I decide to do to heal…

      That is how BIG my expansive Source of God / Life / Creation is to me…

      Mel xo

  54. Hi Rozanne, Thank you so much beautiful lady in sharing your story with us.

    It is the knowing (thanks to all of us doing the inner work) that we will NEVER have to live that life again.

    Those of us who have been Narc abuse live through very different aspects of abuse, although all stories are from the same book and it is like reading many different versions of that same book.

    Your courage, strength and all the wonderful qualities that are you, is inspiring for all of us.

    Much love and may your new journey be filled with light, happiness and peace.

    xxJac

    1. Jac, thank you so much for your special words.

      The knowing you speak of has really become such a powerful way to move forward with great faith, knowing we are clearing away all the negative patterns that have created our experiences and knowing that abundance and deservedness IS there for us to confidently claim and own. Yes what an amazingly vastly different life.

      The more I do this work, the more I realize to what extent I had previously desired something but never had any kind of worthiness in me to attract what I desired.

      I too wish you so much love, wonder and joy on your journey as well.

  55. Roxanne. Thank you for sharing your story it is very empowering. Iam also in SA and would like to know if you also provide support on a professional basis being here. Iam currently also going through an unresolved narcissistic separation. I have find Melanie’s work amazing, encouraging and empowering.

  56. Hi Rozanne
    Your story is inspiring, thank you for sharing. I am also from South Africa and also am now dependent on him, became a housewife after my child was born.
    I too often wonder if I imagine the intensity of the arguments because it gets swept under the carpet and he’s all nice again and he keeps control over everything.
    I’m trying to get out and have served divorce papers months ago. He pretends nothing is wrong and wants to stay married and is doing everything to try to bring me down emotionally, financially and using my child as a means to an end.
    It feels like this will never end, like I will never be free of him, or financially free, and he says he will ensure our child hates me.
    I’m starting to question life 🙁

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