A couple of weeks ago, I had the most wonderful evening …
I went to see Bruce Lipton live.
Bruce Lipton is an internationally recognized leader in bridging science and spirit. He is a stem cell biologist, bestselling author of The Biology of Belief and recipient of the 2009 Goi Peace Award.
I love his work, as well as Joe Dispenza’s, as my healing model correlates strongly with both of their work.
Today in my article I want to talk about “Epigenetics.”
You may have never heard the word before …
There are many longer version meanings of the word – but to simplify Bruce Lipton’s description is: “control above the genes”.
You may wonder what on earth does this have to do with narcissistic abuse.
I believe it has a lot to do with it – because it allows us to move beyond being victims of abuse.
It also allows us to realise what we do have the power to change, and what we don’t have the power to change – and how changing our life for real needs to happen.
This science is about how the environment modifies and generates gene activity. This is exciting evolutionary information, and epigenetics is now one of the most active areas of scientific research.
I adore that science and spirituality are now coming together. And what I mean by this is: science is now backing up what spiritualists / self-development advocates espouse – that we are capable of transcending our previous self and life regardless of the families we were born into and the circumstances we have endured.
Darwin and Newton Versus Epigenetics
It’s fascinating when we go back through history and understand what the old science models were teaching us.
Darwin spoke about “survival of the fittest.” He granted us the version of a dog eat dog world. This was a model of separation, and even narcissism – meaning that we had to compete for stuff, resources, significance and love … and if we were not strong enough or able to outsmart the opposition that we would be delegated to the bottom of the food chain.
Darwin’s model also stated that we were all predisposed to “be” a certain way –that we inherited our parent’s genes, which controlled the circumstances of our life.
Regarding the argument of nature versus nurture, there was a strong lean towards nature. DNA was supposed to be responsible for not only our aesthetic acquisitions, but also our emotions and behaviour.
Sadly this model has been put to big use by humankind. The beliefs of separation, narcissism, “war” and helpless victimisation – leading to blaming and shaming people and circumstances outside of us for the state of our life.
There was no scope in this model to evolve. There was also not a tendency to strive for harmony and holistic connection to ourselves, our planet and others.
This made it very difficult to create ourselves anew as higher version of ourselves, on micro or macro levels.
This article certainly does not lend me the platform to grant you the full depth of Bruce Lipton’s findings, and as such I highly recommend reading “The Biology of Belief” where Bruce has painstakingly provided the scientific evidence which blows the old Darwinian theory out of the water.
This is huge … really. Because it changes the entire concept of humankind.
Literally – I am not exaggerating.
We can all stay stuck in the old redundant model if we want – but if we look around us we have to admit it’s not working.
Epigenetics is also a model of Quantum Science – a highly complex holistic model of life as opposed to a Newtonian linear model. What is so interesting about Quantum Physics, as Bruce so aptly points out in his book, is that every area of technology which has leapt light years ahead is based on Quantum Physics principals; yet our medical and psychological systems (specific humanity) have not yet been updated.
Epigenetics is the understanding that cells are influenced by their environment, and that they are not predisposed. Bruce Lipton discovered that when stem cells were put into petri dishes containing different environmental fluid that they would develop into bone, fat and other human compositions depending on the environment they were subject to.
As he wrote in his book “The Biology Of Belief” … “ if single cells are controlled by their awareness of their environment so too are we trillion-celled human beings. Just like a single cell, the character of our lives is determined not by our genes but by our responses to the environmental signals that propel life.”
This is really interesting because he discovered that the composition of cells would alter according to an individual’s perception of their environment.
What we discover, when we become self-actualized, is that we don’t have control over other people and things – but we absolutely do have control over ourselves. At a profound self-development level when we decide to change our own cellular chemistry as a result of changing our perceptions, we discover that life in our experience shifts to reflect that.
At the time of Brice Lipton’s stem-cell realisation – when he understood what the ramifications meant for humankind to create a better humanity – he wrote: “I was exhilarated by the new realization that I could change my beliefs. I was instantly energised because I realised that there was a science-based path that would take me from my job as a perennial “victim” to my new position as a ‘co-creator’ of my destiny.”
This is exactly the mission I am so excited about too – for myself personally and for a new model of humanity.
I’d going to talk about that in this article, as well as how epigenetics relates to narcissistic abuse.
Transcending From the Old Into the New
One of the most fascinating things I have learned on my healing path, and whilst working with thousands of other people also healing from abuse patterns, is the power of old programs.
We took on the ways our parents and our parent’s parents did things.
Absolutely this was to do with nature and nurture.
I agree with Darwin from this perspective: we did take on stuff- absolutely. Bruce Lipton also points this out … however we are not stuck in it. We can evolve beyond it.
The world we live in has changed at an incredibly fast rate over the last 50 years. As an example: only in our generation is it common for women to have their own source of income. Our mothers were not usually living this model, and even less so their mothers.
Now, naturally there is no differentiation regarding “having a career” between a female or male child we are raising. In no shape or form would we have our female child leave school and do home duties because her only role would be a mother and wife.
It wasn’t until the late 1800’s early 1900’s that woman had a right to vote, and a right to property, money and even their children in the event of dissolution of their marriages. Until that time it was common for women who had marriages end to have to prostitute themselves to survive. Many women didn’t survive.
Some time ago I watched a documentary about my home town Melbourne where single mothers in the late 1800’s were drowning their babies in the Yarra river because they could not feed them.
No-one would employ these women.
Can we believe that in supposed civilised countries this went on only a little over 100 years ago?
Can we believe that not so long before that, if a woman was thrown out of “the hut” this was a virtual death sentence because she couldn’t hunt or work and provide for herself? At the very least it was highly likely that she would be raped and assaulted because she didn’t have a man to protect her.
Logically, we know conditions are not like this now in civilised countries (sadly in some countries they still are), but have we really been able to evolve cellularly in just a few decades?
This I know: The collective pain body of “women” is still shattered.
No less than the collective pain body of many indigenous species, including Australian Aboriginals, as a result of their treatment from first settlers.
I have found time and time again (and these were big issues for me personally) the powerful beliefs deep in a woman’s subconscious of “Without him I am dead” because “I can’t generate life on my own”… as well as “Without a strong man I am not safe”.
I have done Quanta Freedom Healing sessions with myself and other women – even incredibly financially successful and capable women, who when feeling into and identifying the deep core wounds revealed exactly those excruciating crippling beliefs.
Beliefs that were playing out as emotional panic and obsession keeping them chained to abusive partners.
Any man was better than no man.
(I know that many of your reading this will relate to having emotions that just don’t seem proportionate to the real life situation).
And please guys out there – do know that I know the fear of abandonment is not just applicable to women!
However, the big one for guys is usually not so much “abandonment” as “not being good enough” – not providing enough, not winning enough, and not keeping his woman and children prosperous, happy or satisfied enough,
Lightning speed evolution towards relationships of equality, shared tasks, feminine power and mutuality has not allowed the DNA of men in our age bracket to cope and update. Yet when we look at the young men, my son’s age and younger, we see how beautifully they model “equality” so much easier.
In the old model Darwinian model women just lucked out – we weren’t pretty enough, slim enough, smart enough or sexual enough to make our relationships work. Someone else more capable, smart and desirable than us can make it work so much better than us.
According to the Darwinian Model – if a man didn’t have it going on he failed. You weren’t good enough and someone else who is good enough gets the successful job, the girl, the great family to carry on your name, the accolades and the riches.
Additionally you are a victim of your genetics. If you are depressed and inhibited in life, it is because of the makeup you inherited from your parents. And then the Newtonian linear model steps in, looking at the part of the chain that is not working (depression) and attempting to solve that part of the chain – seeing it as a separate issue or event.
Unfortunately this has led to a legacy of attempting to treat symptoms without addressing the cause, which is no more effective than attempting to eradicate cancer when the reason for cancer developing in the first place is never addressed.
In the epigenetics model we have a lot more hope. It is a holistic Quantum level understanding of the interconnectedness of all things, and the holistic approach to actual causation that is creating manifested results.
Through epigenetics we have the understanding that we can transcend our patterns, we can change ourselves and we can then change our life.
We can go beyond what we have experienced previously.
This is exciting, and it is exactly the model of Thriving after narcissistic abuse that I subscribe to, teach and personally live.
I have personally experienced what it is to be liberated from the old DNA programs that so many people can get snagged in – which used to agonisingly run my life – and I have had the absolute joy of now helping thousands of other people, men and women transcend these too.
This I know 100% … we can revolutionise who we used to be with the understanding of the epigenetics model.
A Deeper Look at Survival Programs
The examples I gave before of women feeling like they will literally die if a partner leaves them are what I call “survival programs”.
There are so many that can get triggered if we have matching wounding in our DNA.
I really want to talk about those in greater depth with you today …
This following information is very relevant in regard to our reactions to narcissistic abuse, and it is very relevant in regard to what we need to transcend in order to reclaim ourselves.
Some time ago survival programs were very necessary.
We needed surges of adrenaline and cortisol to kick in, so that blood could drain temporarily from all areas of our body that could do without it (brain and organs) for extra power to surge to our limbs for fight or flee – and so that our cognitive mind would shut down in order for pure survival instinct to take over.
It was a great short term solution to get up a tree quickly if a predator ran at you.
In survival programs, when we are in high range beta brainwave, and when we are filled with cortisol and adrenaline, we get that surge of “fight or flee” … but unless we have a predator and a tree, what is really required is calm thinking, planning and creating (healthy cognitive thinking).
But at this time we have become really “unintelligent” – the parts of our brain which could have access to solutions and inspiration are shut down. Our thinking is primitive, regressive, fearful and completely personalised.
All we have access to is: “My body is unsafe – it is all about me (victim) and I need to get safe NOW.”
We panic, and unless it is only a short term “thing”, that is then “over”, the anxiety does not leave us and we have no outlet to solutions and better feelings to relieve it.
Beta brainwave is highly destructive for long term health – because cortisol and adrenaline without “Phew that’s over”, trigger off feelings of non-relief … the helplessness, fear, devastation, feelings of loss, fear of more devastation and loss, as well as extreme confusion and heightened feelings of being unsafe in the present and the future.
(Hello C-PTSD.)
All of these powerful surging emotions create peptide addiction. The bigger the surge of emotion, the more the cells of the body become addicted to them. This then creates obsession – the logical mind trying to “beat” these subconsciously driven programs (emotions).
Obsession is highly unsuccessful. Because the brain is in childish / regressed/ non-sophisticated function, and is no match anyway for the complexities of the almighty subconscious which has hijacked 95% of what is firing in our brain.
Rule of thumb is this: Any thoughts we have with high emotional content – if not healthy and great (inspiration /love) – cannot be challenged effectively with the logical mind.
Inspiration and love open up extreme and wonderful “possibility” in the cognitive mind. The subconscious and the cognitive mind team together as a powerful integrated force.
In stark contrast, fear and emotional pain snap that part of the brain off. The subconscious mind and the cognitive are not aligned.
This is when we are SO susceptible to handing our power over. This is when we play right into the abuser’s hands by losing our cool, pleading, prescribing, yelling, wanting revenge, trying to out-smart in ways that don’t work, wanting to expose, wanting to make the person accountable … and all we do is hand the abuser ammunition to shoot us with.
One of the biggest things about N-abuse is we are learning that when we are in high range beta-brainwave nothing good ever gets generated out of it.
The other terrible thing about ongoing swirling, pumping survival chemicals throughout your bloodstream being repeatedly absorbed into your cells is: it is “anti-life”. Your emotions spiral downwards, and these toxic (bad-feeling) chemicals create havoc in your body. They starve nutrients and oxygen, and they put you on a path of chronic deterioration.
A path sadly that most abuse victims are on – with no education, way or process to get off.
The old Darwinian model states “You just weren’t ‘fit’ enough to win”, and the old Newtonian model states “Take a pill to treat your depression / anxiety / torment.”
However new science tells us that we do have the power to change ourselves. We do have the power to heal even a lifetime of abuse.
In order to change we need to unwire the peptide cycle and stop the ongoing damage and feedback loops of obsession and more chemical destruction, in order to get well.
How do we do that – according to epigenetics?
We change our cell’s environment.
How do we change the environment?
We need to understand we have no power to change people or things outside of us.
But we do have the power to change our perception. And to do this we need to change our consciousness.
That is how we create real lasting and powerful change.
I hope this article has helped you realise our world is evolving, and we can evolve.
We are far from powerless, helpless victims. The truth is we are powerful co-creators.
Many of us within this community are already on this journey that not only breaks us free from abuse, but releases us into the most joyous, expanded, incredible, unlimited version of life that we could ever imagine – even way prior to being abused.
I would love you to join me in my next Free 2 hour Live Webinar which has just been released to experience my model of epigenetic healing and transcending the wounds of narcissistic abuse.
If you have any comments or questions please leave them in the section below – I respond to each one personally.
Thanks for another great radio show Melanie. I also love this new science and have read “Biology of Belief, and have just started “The Honeymoon Effect”. Added to this, I love the wisdom traditions of 2,500 years ago – these are also connecting to this science. Buddhist practice is very much about changing the programs in brain and nervous system.
Things are moving fast, but I still think that equality is lagging behind for women – like you said, especially for this middle generation and older. My daughter has asked me if I will ever have another relationship, and I have told her honestly that I will only engage with a man who honors equality and respect. Until then, I plan to keep working with myself to shift the programs and beliefs that have led me into abusive relationships. How much life I have wasted believing that I had the power (or right) to change an abusive partner, and at the same time, trying to change myself in an attempt to be “good enough”. I didn’t honor equality either.
Bruce is a brilliant male role model for us all – being 70, having done his own inner work and now living a life of love, respect and equality with his wife. I wish this for myself one day, and for everyone in this community too. xx
Hi Carol,
you are so welcome!
Absolutely our new science correlates exactly with ancient wisdom.
Powerful and fantastic self-realisation that we were all playing out our learned versions of “separation” and “inequality” …
Which naturally could lead nowhere but power-struggles and co-dependence.
I agree re Bruce … his life has been one of incredible personal evolution – which I believe is the glory for all of us – the creation of heaven on earth right here right now – to model it and bring it through us.
Thank you for your post 🙂
Mel xo
I must say something about your spelling Melanie. It shows a lack of professionalism to have spelling errors these days with all of the spell check software available for free. As a scholar and professional I can tell you firsthand that it is difficult to take someone seriously who cannot spell “realize.” I am not sure why you are not using spell correction but you should be considering that you are a writer. Realize is not spelled “realise” and realization is not spelled “realisation”, which is how you have misspelled these words in nearly every article that you write. Also energized is not spelled “energised” which is how you spelled that word in this same article. For a minute I thought that maybe your “z” key didn’t work on your keyboard but I saw the letter “z” in other areas of the article.
I love your articles and your message is so powerful. I only wish to help you. I don’t want to be mean or hurt your feelings but I know how others take in this information and when there are this many spelling errors your work and your words will not be considered “expert” or “professional.” You may think that this is unimportant but it is important if you want to be taken seriously about your work.
Also, civilized is not spelled “civilised”, revolutionized is not spelled “revolutionised”, personalized is not spelled “personalised.”
Hi Karen,
you are not aware that the commonwealth – British / Australian spelling is “s” instead of “z”?
Or that I am Australian?
I find it very interesting that you a) have the time and energy to lash out in such a way, and b) would not investigate “why” I am spelling such words so consistently as “s”.
Being a scholar I am sure you understand the value of research?
http://grammarist.com/spelling/realise-realize/
Mel xo
That’s ridiculous, and quite hilarious. Given the subject matter here I think you would be well advised (or is it advized) to pull your head out of your bum.
Carry on Mel
Wow Karen – you blew it here. At the very least it would have been nice had you lead with the complement instead of finished with it regarding Melanie’s spelling ‘corrections’. You really put your foot in your mouth when you spoke of being a ‘scholar’ yet have no idea of commonwealth spelling differences. Regardless of your claim to have only the intention of helping Melanie with her spelling and therefore her professionalism, there is still an under current of supercilious disregard for common decency by making your comments on a public forum. Had she needed the correction – which she clearly did not, doing this on a public domain is to humiliate her publicly.
Please learn from this. Don’t do that to anyone again! Save everyone the embarrassment! She did not deserve that even had she incorrectly spelled a few words – which I reiterate she did not. I was once publicly humiliated – in front of 4 people, unjustly – complete projection, and I can still feel the burn – not just from the uncalled for and inappropriate comment, but even more so at the mean spirited scathing judgement and ignorance behind it. I was speechless with horror.
Melanie is instrumental in literally saving lives. She was a God send for me and countless others. She is very intuitive, intelligent, well spoken and certainly very well written it is beyond me how you felt the need to add your ignorant comments in public in your efforts to make sure she is seen as ‘professional’. No one on here knows who you are so I am not publically humiliating you, I am just defending Melanie and taking the opportunity to make others aware of the impact words and judgements can have on others.
Words can hurt and even cripple. Isn’t that if part why we are all here on this site – because we have been hurt and even crippled by narcissists? We love you Melanie. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your hard work and insight. Jeri
Still learning how to “spot a Narc” but everything in “Karen’s” comment
: the poor writing style, pseudo-intelligentsia/academic knowledge, arrogance, condescencion and hurtful/patrionizing hateful “helpfulness” screams narcissist to me. Am I wrong and shouldn’t we just ignore Internet troll’s because any kind of response gives them narcissistic supply? Or do we need to respond to such ignorance for our own self-esteem boundaries?
Still learning thanks!
Hi Ute,
I err towards standing up without emotional charge – which was what I did.
And then anything back that was nonsensical would have hit the No Contact stage …
Much better things to do with our energy!
Mel xo
Hi Jeri,
thank you lovely for going in to bat!
It wasn’t necessary, but is sooo sweet.
Thank you for your gorgeous words and support Jeri!
Mel xo
Not to mention. She needs to look at herself. Punctuation is just as important. It also sounds like something a NARc would see. Not all the enlightenment we are all getting from Melanie. She has set me partially free. Now I know I wasn’t out of my mind.
Thank you Susan AOK
I thought that everyone these days was aware that different countries have different spellings. Realise and energised are absolutely correct in Australia, and Mel is Australian. It is extremely important these days to be culturally competent as a professional – and that includes being aware that spellings can differ from place to place.
Mel, great blog and so timely. Epigenetics fascinates me. Learning about how we act reciprocally with our environment gives more power – to acknowledge our own influences in all situations and therefore be able to change those patterns, allows us to improve outcomes not just for ourselves but our families. It also helps us understand why patterns of abuse can be so enduring in family lines.
I found your site by googling Narc and abuse and moving on. I must say, I have implemented a no looking behind plan (although very hard). Married with a child, going through the process of regaining my liberation from him. Only been 7 months since the process started, but its been 3 years of pain; cheating, lying, emotional abuse and some physical. I made a decision that I would not focus on him anymore or the OW. This has created a shift in me as I don’t see him the same way, nothing has materialized yet I do know that I am always pleasant and nice, but not overly eager and I am standing my ground.
He on the other hand is mean, condescending and very angry to the point that he wont address me at all. This is not my problem and I am envisioning a life where we can at least have conversation about the kid without major issues.
Thank you!
This article is fabulous, Melanie. Thank you for bringing this knowledge to this community and connecting it with your work. What you spoke about with survival programs does a lot to help me understand the wounds I am working to heal and why I tapped into the survival program that I did. It really is about those programs more-so than the abuse they led to. The more I understand, the easier it becomes to do the work, heal, and transcend it all. I appreciate you and your work beyond words. All the light and love to you.
Maggie
Hi Maggie,
I am so pleased you enjoyed the article, and you are very welcome.
Those are profound words Maggie “It is more about the survival programs than the abuse they led to.”
BINGO – that is a quote waiting to happen – truly.
I am so thrilled you are on this path of transcendence and feeling the relief and joy of that!
Thank you for sharing, and bless you dear lady!
Mel xo
Dear Melanie,
I am the product of two individuals that chose to have children at a very young and immature age. Both of my parents were/still are alcoholics. My sperm donor was/is a heroine user. My siblings and I started our lives with abuse in the home and a babysitters boyfriend molesting all four of us while each of us watched the other being molested to the point of penetration. At the age of 3 I, along with my siblings, was removed from our moms home, (she was deemed unfit to have us anymore) and placed in foster care. The two older girls were placed together and the two younger, a brother and myself, were placed together. Life became a living hell in a nutshell. My brother and I were shipped down south to family’s house where our aunts live in continued to molest us for as long as we were there. My aunt was physically abusive towards us and that was just the beginning of life for us in the system. Even at the age of four, I knew how wrong it was so I reported her abuse to the daycare we were in and an investigation was done and we were promptly removed. Why I didn’t report the molestation, I don’t know. All I knew is that she abused my baby brother one too many times and I was not going to allow that to happen any longer. We were shipped up north, only to start another life (10 years) of physical and mental abuse from another family. My brother had too many mental problems (he was only 3 by this time) for them to handle so they asked for him to be removed from the home, where I stayed for the next 10 years. We lived on five acres with lots of “work” to do. I was considered my foster dads right hand man and he had me up at the crack of dawn to sunset working like a slave. When there was inside work to be done, I was doing it also.
When I look back on those days, I’m not sure how to feel. I’m glad I was taught good work ethics. I’m a hard worker as an adult. But it sure would have been nice to just be a normal kid with a normal life. I am now 47 years old. I have been through addiction (meth) and alcoholism (still kind of stuck there. And on my fourth marriage. I have two children and four grandchildren.
I said all that to say this, ALL of the relationships I’ve been in have been Narc/Victim relationships. It wasn’t until about two months ago that I learned this. Since I’ve learned this, I have been researching every aspect of Narcissism. I have been married to my current husband for a year and as soon as we were married I noticed that something changed, dramatically! I couldn’t understand what happened to the loving, gentle, caring man I dated before the wedding. I have a very dear friend (female) that I was confiding in about the situation and she sent me an article about the gas light effect. As soon as I began to read it, I saw my own life unfolding right before me. Everything fit to a T. At first I was overwhelmed by sorrow. My emotions were up and down for days. I started noticing things about my husband and it was magnified more. The only answers as to how to handle the situation was to go no contact. I even went to another friend with my discovery and we discussed my options. I found a place to stay there with her on her property, rent free. All I have to do is pay my utilities. Needless to say, I opted out, for now. However, I will always have that cushion, in case it doesn’t “work out”.
A few weeks ago, I told my husband that we needed to talk. I set up a day and a time for us to review the article and for about five days he avoided the “talk”. A little history on my husband to give you some insight is this, I’m more than positive he suffers from ADHD. He self medicates with with Rx meds such as norcos. He drinks beer daily but only a quart after work unless I buy a few and he’ll have a couple with me. He smokes marijuana religiously. He is vey charismatic, talks to anybody and everybody. He is very routine oriented. Everyday it’s the same routine. You really can’t throw a wrench in his routine because it freaks him out. I am the last on his to do list if I make the list at all. And for a while, sex was completely out of the question. His excuse was, “I just don’t have the desire nor the energy.” He got this dog that he coddles like a child and in my mind almost like a lover. Which makes me resent the dog even more. As it is, I’m not an animal person so interacting with this dog is a big turn off. I hate the idea that animals have dander and flees and they lick themselves and are so needy and so on and so forth. She is not allowed to be in my space at all. The only place I ask for her not to be in is my room. Of course he doesn’t care and allows her to come in and do whatever but I immediately jump his case and make her get out. With all that, we sat down and had the talk. He said this was not the first time someone has brought this to his attention. He also said that all of his past relationships had been very toxic. The last relationship he had was a nine year on again off again downward spiral. They argued a lot and she was physically abusive towards him. I on the other hand, am a gentle spirit. Talking is better than yelling no matter what the topic at hand is. Before our talk, and before my discovery, we would have talks that always turned into a yelling match and he was always right and I was finding myself packing my clothes and getting ready to walk out. In fact, most of my stuff is still packed.
We have had better days since our talk. Each day I see him working on trying to be a better person. He says he doesn’t want to be a monster. I told him he is not a monster but that either things get worked on or that I will go to the no contact and we can end this marriage. I know I don’t deserve this kind of life. I know I’m better than being devalued by another human being. I am currently at a crossroad. I have a very strong relationship with God. He has healed me from many torments in my life. He has healed me from many struggles. And now I feel as if He has revealed a very important message to me about the kind of company I’ve kept for so long. My question is, why? And what do I do with this new information He’s put before me? The struggle is very real!
I love my husband more than I’ve loved any other and I don’t want to lose him. I see his struggle and his effort, but I often think about the outcome of it all. Will it be good or will it be bad? I wish we could see into the future but I suppose that’s where faith comes in.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for your support. Your articles have been very informative and helpful. I will continue on this journey. And I will continue to learn to love myself more.
Cynthia
Hi Cynthia,
thank you for your post – but I do need to explain something.
I don’t actually read posts like yours – and there is a reason and it is not because I am not respectful, compassionate or empathetic for your journey.
I am …
It is just I do not put my body and emotions into helpless peptide generation – which is what reading the abuse details does.
My focus and my work is not the details of what happened to us … suffice to say it is ghastly and we have all been abused- and I can gather from the beginning of what I have read that yours has been a lifetime.
My focus and my work is “how” are we going transcend and heal past all of that … it’s about solutions not remaining victimised.
I do know that focusing on the details is not going to help you . What WILL help you is you doing the innerwork to find the original wounds and release them out of your body and replace them with Source Truths and to up-level, evolve and free yourself.
And this is what my healing model is all about.
Trauma and abuse – especially at levels that you have experienced – can’t be sorted logically. If they could, you, myself and an thousands of other people would have easily left the abuse behind and recreated our lives.
Cynthia I would love you to come into my next Webinar – absolutely you can heal … because we all can – and what we went through was not meant to be “that’s it” .
The Webinar will explain a lot more to you about “how” to heal, and then you can break free and start aligning with your real life.
That is impossible to do when the chemical composition of your Inner Being is still “an abuse victim” and keeping you in that reality.
Hence why a real solution is needed.
Mel xo
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me Melanie. I tried to contact you via email, however, I was directed to yor blogs. I have tried to contact somebody that would listen to my story and guide me somewhere. I will continue to read your emails and further study the how to heal aspect.
Cynthia. You won’t get what you need by ‘contacting someone and telling them details’ to direct you somewhere. I am a person dealing with an abusive past too. I understand your pain as I have lived it too. And I still get triggered and need to work Melanie’s program ‘NARP’. The only one who can help you is God and you. I did not start getting better until I went no contact with a few people. My ex husband kept me on a hook and chain that he jerked regularly for 10 years after the marriage ended. I had financial ties – and yes emotional ties – to him. And because I did not go no contact with him and these other people I mentioned I continued to suffer and it got worse and worse. Then I found Melanie and got educated and got her program.
You can save yourself a lot of grief by not dragging your feet like I did and just get the program and start working it. Do it for YOU – not your husband. My other advice from a fellow sufferer who can finally see the light after a very long dark tunnel – is to go to a good Christian Church and start a woman’s bible study and do a weekend marriage retreat through a good church – or a marriage program of some sort. Melanie ‘s program and a marriage retreat and bible studies will cost a fraction of traditional therapy and will work 1,000,000 times better. Try listening to my pastor at my church for some inspiration http://www.bfconline.org or try in touch.org I hope you take this advise. I learned via experience and I suffered far longer than I should have allowed myself. I just tolerated the wrong people and I could not see thru the dark. Jeri
Hi Cynthia,
You are very welcome, and thank you for being so gracious in regard to my response.
My greatest suggestion is: please come into the Webinar and “experience” how to heal …
There is no comparison between trying to heal through information as opposed to engaging in transformational healing.
It really does need to be experienced to be understood, and then you will realise how and why trying to heal intellectually has not been working.
Truly …
Mel xo
So positive..so hopeful your messages and information are. What resonated with me was the role of peptides and adrenaline have on furthering the addiction and impact it has on your physical being. Explains so much of how I was feeling and still a tiny bit. Keep sending out your help in the positive manner you do because getting lost in the victim role will certainly swallow you up whole. Getting better everyday. Thank you
Hi Susan,
I am so pleased you are moving out of the hole of victimisation and evolving yourself.
Keep going – because truly what else is there to do – if we want “life”?
You are so welcome Susan 🙂
Mel xo
Hello Mel,
This subject of changing our perception makes me very excited, and although I am aware of Bruce Lupton I was no really aware of the details of what he does.
It excited me for so many reasons. … One is that I am currently doing your NARP program and although I can’t reason or explain it to myself, I can’t deny the changes in the world’s around me… The people around me treat me differently, and indeed since starting the program the painful, draining people are siding away and amazingly lovely, healthy, kind people are coming into my life. People who had nothing to do with me before …I used to see them weekly, but there was no relationship at all. … All of a sudden in just one month I have had extreme quiet from the people I have had difficult relationships with, the narcissist (my ex) just hadn’t been in touch as regularly, and I have been to lunch, had children’s playdates and had two invitations to other small gatherings with lovely, relaxed, kind people. During these events I have had almost no self judgements or panic or paranoia about what they might be thinking about me, I’ve been able to relax and enjoy their company. This after years of self doubt, thinking I was less than others, believing the stuff in my head that I hear from narcissists in my life (my Ex for example).
The other reasons this article excites me is because it relates to things in my life related to my work (as a specialized women’s health professional in the medical world) and my role as a sole providing parent Of a child who was targeted the school as having special needs. About this I will just say that my then 5yo was found to be clear of any diagnoses, and to have a high iq. I wondered at the time if she was in survival mode after experiencing some of the frightening behaviors of my ex, the little one’s father. And even of her life with me as a stressed out, frightened, anxious’ victim’ walking on eggshells all the time and not knowing where the next’bomb’was coming from.
In seeking to remedy all that I came across a great deal of work regarding working with children to allow them to operate from a platform of calm, so their higher reasoning and learning centre’s operate, rather than their fight or flight centres. I also read more about neural plasticity, where we can change the brains wiring and the wiring of our central nervous system. I knew about it but not so much the details of how to. I used all the information about children to work on myself.
As well as this, the professional work I do deals with a huge number of ailments, but in the last few years many of my clients are referred with pelvic pain. I have had to do a lot of learning about the science and physiology of pain, and the rewiring of the nervous system is a scientific fact that just has to take place if someone is to heal from the type of pelvic pain I see. And the rewiring of the nervous system is largely all about perception…. And perception in this regard is scientifically proven and well established to show physical changes in the body-in the nerves and in the brain.
This is didn’t to what you describe in your article. … The cell changes are very exciting to read about. ..I have no doubt in what Bruce Lupton is describing.
I’ve also spent a good deal of my life looking into the self healing realm. ..12 step programs. .. affirmations. ..counseling, psychologists etc. And probably all of it has helped.
But I can sit where I am now, having walked away from a narcissistic and abusive relationship, and dealing with the 5 years of trouble that has followed, saying that only now that all of what I’ve experienced is because I have had a lifetime of narcissists.
And I can’t place a number on any of what I have done or how much it has helped me.
I can say that I can directly see large change from doing this program, in a very sorry time and that this article really really is exciting.
Suzie
Your article excites me.
Hi Suzie,
I am so glad this information inspires you!
It is so true “so within / so without”, and we make the changes inside us we get to experience at the atomic level the profound connectedness we have with all of life.
How gorgeous that your life is shifting so profoundly – as it does when we shift ourselves profoundly.
I love that you are not looking externally for your approval, or “solidness”, you are simply happy to show up as yourself generating more wholesomeness and connection.
I especially love that you are a force in world of consciousness who can have such a wonderful impact on children.
This is the pro-movement we need to change our world, NOT the victim consciousness model anti-model …
Keep up the great work Suzie, your post was an absolute pleasure to read.
Mel xo
Hello Melanie,
As much as I sincerely appreciate your articles and blogs, and this most recent re: Dr. Bruce H. Lipton’s research leading into his book “The Biology of Belief”, my concern is for our gender as a whole. Why? Because my ongoing personal and spiritual work continues to be one of healing the wounds inflicted upon me by the raging narcissists within our own gender. Throughout my 50 years I have grown up with, and continue to work alongside, some of the worst offenders of narcissistic abuse to the point whereby my studies and understanding of psychology has me determining these women as nothing less than sociopaths and some psychopaths. As much as I can agree with how narcissistic relationships occur with men, and I have experienced them, my experiences with women in positions of power have been horrific. Unless this issue is addressed within our own gender, I’m convinced that empathy, compassion, and nurturing will fade completely from our society. The sense of entitlement and instant gratification borne out of the advent of technological constructs like Facebook, Linkedin, Instagram etc., are all perpetuating narcissism among both genders of every age. Parents of today’s children are supporting narcissistic abuse among their familial construct because they themselves are narcissistic. The continental divide between rich and poor is polarizing this behaviour and as much as I can agree with aspects of Lipton’s book, I require further proof his ideologies exist.
Hi Elizabeth,
please know that even though I wrote regarding “female survival programs” as an example in this article – in no way do I believe narcissism is gender specific.
I also believe strongly that for all of us our evolution and contribution to humankind is evolving ourselves – our wounds, regardless of how we were wounded and by whom.
Because the unconsciousness we experienced contributed significantly to our own – and the beliefs that we are victims with no internal power.
We can’t fix or change abusers including women, but we can become a conscious force who helps create better health for self and others.
That is the message of Bruce’s book that correlates with everything my message is about.
Mel xo
Elizabeth. I have to say I hear you on how horrific some of the narcissists of our own gender are. They are a vicious group and I too have experienced it. It is heartbreaking to experience. My own Mother is the worst one I have encountered. I did everything I could – for 58 years – until I went no contact 1.5 yrs ago. I have only since started to heal. I wish it were different but it isn’t. Jeri
Hello, Melanie! Actually I am not a personal client of yours, and although my ‘detoxication’ program is kind of over now, I keep on reading different sources, examining other people’s stories and cure cases, so far I consider your blog and information support one of the best in this field around the world. I am now part of the revival myself 🙂
I grew up (the only child) in a narcissistic family with my mother, a co-narcissist for her own mother (my grandmother) and a passive-aggressive narcissist in her own relationship with my father. She was one hell of a mother for me, to put it mildly. A manipulated manipulator in her prime, an energy sucking abyss. As for my father, he became partly a co-narcissist because of and for my mother, at the core, however, he was constantly defying my mother’s family in their false self-imaging and somehow showed me the way out of this mess – to start my own life as soon as possible. I remember that period of my life (18 long years) as a total nightmare, and it is truly a miracle that I have managed to keep my SELF together. My parents’ marriage collapsed as did mine: it was inevitable as my then wife was a co-narcissist as was I. All of our marriage was actually nothing else but a proxy war of our families for power and control. The only exception was my father but then he died after the vampires had sucked him dry (speaking figuratively yet truly). Once I took an LSD session with my psychoanalyst and finally got the picture right!!! I washed my hands and got a divorce. It took me years to realize who I really am, summon my proper energies and save my SELF from total vampiric annihilation. I realize that my case is unique in this regard.
Here and now I am happy in my family life, both I and my wife have ‘unplugged’ ourselves from all the detected narcissistic circuits (quit being narc supply). My past experience, invaluable as it is, has been diligently integrated in my professional life. The epilogue of this story is rather positive: I work as international trade negotiator, and the ability to instantly detect narcissists in business greatly helps me avoid the array of inevitable consequences of dealing with such personalities. The truth is that business and politics are infested with narcissists, making dangerous illusions of their false selfhood quite believable among the masses.
In fact, from my experience and analysis, I clearly see the power elites of today’s world, who fight for the global domination, simultaneously gas-lighting the masses and destroying the very same globe, as a bunch of malignant narcissists. If power is the ultimate craving of all narcissists, then it is power structures that mostly abound with narcissists. And definitely power is the best aphrodisiac for narcissists because they are totally void of love.
Kind regards,
Alex Levin
(currently residing in Europe)
P.S.: I highly recommend the “Fearless vampire killers” movie by Roman Polanski as a fantastic exemplar of the topic 🙂 although it was not a box-office hit back in 1967 (small wonder).
P.P.S.: I have digressed a little from the topic of your post. Regarding Bruce Lipton’s findings, I had a chance to listen to his audiobook ‘The Wisdom of Your Cells’. It is a great enlightenment tool. Yes, apart from Darwin and his popular theory, deliberately chosen and widely propagated by the power elites through the last century, there was Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, who well before Darwin proved that namely symbiosis and synergy among different species (and not solely ‘survival of the fittest’) are the most significan factors of true evolution on our planet.
Hi Alex,
how lovely that you are a part of the revival!
Thank you for your post – and it is so wonderful that you have transcended being N-supply.
I totally agree re the N attraction to power, which absolutely is all about significance.
What I love about our world now is: many of the shadows are coming up to the surface. I believe it is an era of truth where not so much can or will be hidden – as our world hurtles at breakneck speed towards the necessity and energetic frequency of “authenticity”.
Such an exciting time to be alive in this shift!
How very true Alex that there were those who were onto the truth long ago – and they were silenced as crackpots.
To think at one point the world was “flat”!
Our world seriously requires looking at updating many systems that require evolution … understanding or epigenetics being one of them.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie!
I absolutely Love your program and model for healing N abuse. It works! I am a bit confused with this article though. The one part that, unfortunately, doesn’t make sense to me is in regard to the ability of “stem cells” to change their “job” in life. I do understand that “stem” cells have this ability. I am also under the impression that “stem cells” are only found in a newborn baby’s umbilical cord and in the newborn while extremely young ( I could be wrong). As much as I Love the idea of our “cells” being able to adapt to a new environment, I don’t believe it happens with our “regular cells”. I do however believe our “regular cells” are “replaced” regularly with New cells (not stem cells), thus giving us the ability to adapt and change to our situations.
Please shed some light on this area of my confusion. I certainly Love the idea but am just confused about the “science” part. Thanks, Melanie!
Big Hug. . .
LeAnne
Hi LeAnn,
the deal is I am not the scientist either LeAnn …
So my highest suggestion is to read the book and then you can gain all the necessary understandings there, regarding “what” cells and “how”.
With me, I am NOT the “I need scientific proof” type (rightly or wrongly) … I don’t split straws … because I “feel” and “know” my truths.
And this I do know 1000% from my own personal experience / life as well as being privy to so many others …
…. we CAN recreate ourselves anew – TOTALLY anew from where we have come from.
We CAN evolve …
Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually – hence why I am so passionate about helping people transcend past the victim model.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie~~~
Lol… You are so right about “split straws”. I have a tendency to dig deep, especially in science as I am a retired R.N.. I also “feel” and “know” that we are all capable of actual, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual change leading to personal growth. I still enjoy the science of things and would love to have the ability to put my “knowing” into words others can understand. Science is fun for me and I love how it continues to “back up” my inner knowings. However, I do need to step back from the science every now and again to be in full appreciation of “what is”. Thanks for the reminder, Melanie. . . Big Hug!!!
I am increasingly flowing with the light, walking in to pain and releasing it, and shedding falsehood, surrendering to God, to love, to freedom. I believe there is a purpose in it, to free and empower myself, that I may help free and empower others. I listened to Bruce Lipton, love him, what a joyful soul, and I gather that changing my environment is key, which I have done. So I guess my question is what’s next. I sense a rumbling in my spirit telling me I am ready for the next step and greater level of conciousness. Lastly, I am daily visioning my daughters in full health, true self, healed and whole, a miracle in my one daughter’s release from drugs and addiction. She is living with the narc, and getting worse. I speak to them, relate to them, from my vision, and have a strong commitment to both my daughters well being. Perhaps part of the rumbling I sense, is the breakthrough for them, I am standing for, but I must lead the way. This feels much different than co-dependencey or fear. But there is an urgency and calm all at the same time, as I watch my daughter deteriorate. Am also exploring healing by proxy as you suggested. Your perception and insights are always welcome if you have any. Thanks Mel.
Hi Ruth,
you are doing a wonderful job – truly …
Ok in regard to your daughter – if you can have her permission to do healings on her – absolutely do so by proxy.
And then using your body as her body locate the pain / fear / insecurities and shift them out one by one – and bring in Source Truth to replace them all.
If you don’t have her permission that do the healings on you to set up the goal of “My daughter is in her True Self power and wisdom” and then clear every fear and resistance you have to “seeing” her like this …
Then she will shift – absolutely.
I hope this helps …
Mel xo
Hi Melanie, I just discovered your blog. What a blessing. I especially like this article. I studied anthropology about 20 years ago and discovered Lamarck. Back then it was not fashionable to give him any credit. A couple of year ago he got credit. I am so pleased you put a comment about him in this blog.
I became aware of how our family of origin affected me.
This past year I became affected by a narcissist and used all I have learned to help myself. Here I thought I’d discovered something. That is the peptide addiction and the working on what the narc mirrored to me. You have a whole course already developed!! How wonderfull.
In my case I was looking for a church community not a specific relationship. I was sooo entranced the by the beauty of the music. For 5 weeks I listened and could not discover where the organist was sitting (behind a screen). Finally I asked an usher and immediately went to complement his playing. And I’m sure you can guess most of the rest.
We never had a relationship as such but I was as caught neurochemically as if we did. Amazing how that works.
When I questioned myself I realized that the fast exciting parts he played were very similar to the kind of pieces I used to like to play when I was much younger. I soon realized I didn’t want a relationship with him, I wanted to be him! In the course of all this he mirrored back to me all the broken parts of myself and my Dad’s relationship to and regarding music performance.
The most telling point came when this person today made several comments about “the old country” eastern Europe where he and my Dad came from. I had a flashback to 25 years ago when I saw my Dad for the last time before he moved to Eastern Europe and my Dad commented several times about how he was moving back to ‘the old country”. I then realized that my Dad at that time was the same age as this person is now. Whew!! My Dad and I had a very competitive issue about music. This person today is a world class professional classical musician—–just like my Dad.
Wow, I couldn’t make this stuff up. I’m in the process now of beginning to play again and deeply enjoying listening. My synesthesia (seeing music as colors) is back and perhaps I can begin composing. I’m laughing more, sleeping better and no more feeling like I’ve be sucker punched in the gut. I have gone strict no contact and have moved to another church home. I intend to be the expressive player in a beautiful way that I’ve always wanted to be. Thanks for your posts.
Theresa
large hug to you!
I’m so grateful for this blog. I feel so blessed that at least I have been on the right track.
After reading articles to discover the reasons for my disastrous past actions, I discovered, both I and my wife are narcissistic sociopaths. Until then I never knew that such a disorder even existed, let alone the effects on my thought and actions. It is a shock to one to realize that you were not in the real world at age 60. You cannot hide a disorder or change from one, if you do not know that the disorder exists. I take responsibility of this mess, as I should have understood my actions and those of my wife. The thought of ruining and losing my family and friends, produces a strong desire in me to change my behaviour. The emotional and financial damage is done and cannot be corrected, as one cannot travel back in time. It keeps going through my mind, what can I do to correct the wrongs. I am like the walking dead at the thought that I have destroyed me, my family, relatives, and friends. I have lost everything; family, health, pension, processions, heirlooms, the house, car, reputation, love, and trust. Every object reminds of the damaged to others and want has been lost. I conducted research not for my gain, but for society in a highly competitive field. Education at the post high school level teaches one to be independent and very competitive. Often my thoughts and actions at home and work do not make sense now; and some are illegal, unethical, and stupid. The narcissistic sociopathic traits are from genetic factors, as I never was devoid of attention, had a happy life, and no trauma until now. My parents did experience trauma from WWII (epigenetic?), but they provided a very loving environment to their children. I will never see my loving daughter again from this mess, as she is studying in France. I viewed my daughter as a precious gift from God that I should be there for support when needed. If I had managed my affairs properly, I would be able to provide financial support to her in an ever increasing cruel world. My daughter has obtained all “A“s except one B+ for her BA in Political Science degree. Remember, in my mind, I was conducting appropriate research and providing a home for family; not inappropriate actions and thoughts. Even if I do not go to prison or die, there is nothing to support my family and that nothing can be changed. No matter what direction or action I take, someone will get hurt. If I stay where I am, it will hurt and abuse others. If I live on the streets, it will hurt others. Donald Trump, Roger Stone, and Associates have a better chance of success. I want just to correct things, erase my memory of those wronged, and then disappeared. lam in this hell and will be in another in the after life. I would not wish on my worse enemy. So how do you explain to the ones that you love that they the have no future because of a mental disorder starting in grade one that was not recognised until a year ago?
I exhibited classic behaviour traits of the disorder; such as high ergo, irrational thoughts, anger at some issues, believing I was competitive while it really was insecurity, believing that I was correct when it was wrong, poor listening skills, went from one unfinished project to another, disregard for some of the rules, poorly designed projects, destroyed property, over inflated my skills, stealing even if I did not want the object, was a hoarder, addictions to food and beverages, and went from one research group to another when a project needed external skills (opportunity to myself). I also exhibited behaviour traits that were not characteristic of the disorder, such as: desire to work in teams, great empathy for family and friends, no silent treatment, no punishments, forgave others, did not want to harm people and other animals ( vets were impress at response and love to me from pets), made friends easily with minorities that historical do not trust WASPs, and I shared resources. I was never told I had a learning problem that made difficulties with spelling and grammar. Instead I was informed that I learnt to spell by sight and recognition, rather than by pronunciation. So, if I am not a narcissistic sociopath, then what am I?
If some of my friends and colleagues were in the mental health profession, then why was my disorder not detected by them? Similarly, why wife was not diagnosed when she attended for counselling to over come childhood trauma?
Since I feel like the walking dead and a non-functional parasite to society, any suggestions on what can I do now? I never not allowed my wife to disconnect (she is not a possession) and now wish we never meet to avoid putting her and my daughter though this bizarre and unreal situation. Be glad that you are a survivor and not the one who is destroying and wasting the lives of those you dearly love and not to feel the horror of your actions. Not all the traits and actions of a narcissistic sociopath stated in articles on the subject are true for everyone who has this lethal disorder. Not every narcissistic sociopath wants to be one, especially if it destroys family and friends, and may also not realize they are one. Melanie, t is not sympathy or acquittal that I desire, but to provide you with insights from an unknowing narcissistic sociopath monster: the other side of the coin.
Thank you UN for your insight.
I truly believe behaviour can change when beliefs change, and beliefs change when we release our beings trauma and replace this with Source.
Then everything can change back to our True Self and True Life.
It all starts to heal …
To me that is the necessary path and surrender and deep application that heals what we logically can’t.
I believe this is available for all regardless of where they are on the spectrum.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
It would behove the author to actually read Darwin and Newton before dismissing them in favour of the shallow assertions of Brice Lipton who seems to embrace a form of cartesian dualism.
Here’s a critical analysis of Lipton’s tomb “The Bioliogy of Beleif” : https://spiritualityisnoexcuse.wordpress.com/2017/08/25/bruce-liptons-the-biology-of-belief-annotated-with-facts-part-1-the-central-dogma/
I heard Bruce Lipton a few years ago and began to see evil as cancer; their programming is skewed and they’re disconnected from Source and Purpose and they consume and control everything in their wake to fill the nothingness. I wonder if the micro-version also come up with sophisticated bulls*it to justify their genocidal nihilism or carve it on 20ft high slabs of granite?
That is, the micro equivalent of 20 ft high slabs of granite. 🙄