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I had a request recently on my public Facebook Page to write about the ‘Shadow Self’…

This is definitely one of my greatest interests, because it has been such an incredible transformation in my own life – pivotal in fact…

At the time of writing this article it is the end of April 2014. This is a time where energetically many people’s ‘shadows’ have been presenting. Yesterday I posted about it on Facebook, and many people responded about the extraordinary emotional struggles they are feeling right now.

This is why it is SUCH good timing for this article!

I am thrilled to be able to relay a deeper look into the ‘shadows’ – what they are, how they play out, what they create in our life, and how we can emancipate ourselves from our shadows having so much power over us.

For those of you who are fascinated by inner mechanics, and even maybe totally confused by what is really going on inside of you, and how these inner parts drive your life – I hope this article helps.

 

The Darkness Trapped Inside

The ‘shadow self’ has been well documented over time. Carl Jung in particular is famous for many of his theories about the shadow self.

Carl Jung has many powerful quotes – and I believe one of the most applicable to this community is this one:

 

 “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

 

Carl Jung was not talking necessarily about being bad. What he was referring to was the energy we can hold inside us emotionally regarding ‘darkness’.

I’ll give you an example that perfectly demonstrates this point.

Recently I did a Quanta Freedom Healing session with a lovely lady. As a child she was horrendously abused mentally, emotionally physically and sexually. Every adult romantic relationship she has experienced has also been with narcissists.

After her just recent narcissistic relationship she is determined to break free from her pattern of ‘darkness’.

As we were clearing the trauma of the abuse in her childhood, a painful belief came up in her heart. The part of her subconscious holding this trauma was her internal three year old little girl. The belief was ‘I’m bad, I’m soiled, I’m evil’.

Now of course logically this makes no sense. This lady has high integrity and great values, she is not a ‘bad’ person, and she was not the perpetrator of such violent acts. She was however the receiver of them.

And that was the emotional decision the three year old little girl made.

As a child she had absorbed and taken on the dark energy of her family and ‘become it’ energetically. As we all do with trauma and dark acts…as children and as adults.

Her shadow self (the trapped painful emotions of trauma and abuse) had been playing out their ‘dark’ matches ever since, because that is exactly what out painful unconscious parts do.

Fortunately this lady understands this, and doesn’t want to continue being victimised, talking about it, blaming her highly abusive family members, and narcissistic ex-partners, and / or trying to get relief or rescuing outside of herself.

Instead she is firmly committed to getting these painful shadows (wounds) out of her body.

Unless we change the way we have perceived life it can be difficult to accept the existence of our shadow self. Especially when we have been abused, and we were innocent (such as a child).Why should we release the energy of what someone else did? Why should we let it go?

If we simply think we are a blood and bone being bumping along in life, and stuff ‘just happens to us’, we may not want to accept a deeper understanding of our shadow self.

However, if we have again and again thrown our hands up in the air “Why me?” we may want to look deeper.

By going deeper we can start to acknowledge a greater force going on, other than the ones we perceive with our physical senses. Unconscious forces which are pulling the strings of our life.

By going deeper we can discover the existence of an energetic self-organising principle which isn’t random, and is unfolding according to specific energetic ‘statements’.

For myself personally that acknowledgment and discovery saved my life…

A deeper understanding allows us to take our power back, and allows us to access liberation despite the agony we have already lived.  To access this emancipation from our wounds entails taking our journey inwards, deeper and wider.

That’s what this article is about, it is about shining a light on the shadows, on our unconscious, in order to make what has been painfully unconscious conscious.

 

What Are Our Shadows?

Our shadows are the parts of ourself that are in ‘darkness’.

These parts of ‘darkness’ are the fear, pain and powerlessness we have trapped within us.

These are the parts of us that feel separated from worthiness, separated from life and separated from love, wholeness, security and wellbeing.

It’s very important to understand that as human beings we ALL have shadows.

It’s also very important to understand – we don’t have to be stuck with them.

We may think that pain, fear and unworthiness are ‘normal’. They may be ‘normal’, however I assure you they are not ‘natural’.

Many people have been conditioned to believe that fear and pain and insecurity is to be expected, it’s just a rough deal, someone else’s fault, or just the way you are because of what happened, the family you came from, or the love partners you have had etc.

This is simply buying in to leaving your shadow parts unconscious, being frustrated with life, and not living out your birthright of freedom, expansion, love and your highest potential.

Many people do know their wounds, but stay stuck in them. I know many people like this, and I used to have that orientation myself. Knowing your ‘issues’ but still being stuck in the painful patterns of them.

Simply ‘naming’ your issues is not necessarily enough. Many people have been in therapy and identifying and talking about their shadows for decades, yet are still driven unconsciously by them.

When we are acting unconsciously it means there is a force running our life which we feel powerless to authentically overcome. This is the best indication there are unconscious shadows within – when you have thoughts, emotions, addictions, reactions and compulsions that overtake you.

The reason why knowing about your shadows may not stop them acting out, is because logical knowledge is never a substitute for emotional transformation.

If the painful trapped emotions are still wedged in your subconscious, the ‘shadow’ still has power over you. Emotions are energy. They are E-Motions – energy in motion – and incredibly powerful. They shape your life.

Trapped painful emotions create the drawing towards you of the match of that painful shadow, and also effects how you show up in life from within the wounded centre of the shadow.

Let’s take for example a man we’ll call Mark…

Mark is a friend of a good friend of mine. He was always distrusted and scapegoated by his mother when he was young, and this created a ‘shadow’ of Mark feeling unworthy and needing to win people’s trust and approval. As a result Mark shows up in life over trying to be trusted and accepted.

This makes people wary and suspicious of him.

Mark’s shadow creates a self-perpetuating feedback loop.

Another example is a previous girlfriend of mine I’ll call Joan. Joan’s father was adulterous, and Joan unconsciously continued on the family pattern, as her own marriage ended with her husband leaving for a much younger woman.

Joan tries incredibly hard to be sexy, and dedicates a lot of time and money to looking attractive, yet is deeply fearful that a man will leave her for someone more beautiful.

Her insecurities need for approval and aesthetic anxieties cause men to lose attraction for her, and drives them toward other women.

Joan’s deep painful shadows are a continuation of her mother’s, ‘I am not attractive enough to be loved’, and ‘Other women are more desirable than me’.

Of course it’s awful, and we could so easily hold her Dad accountable for the damage he has done not just to his ex-wife, but also to his daughter…

But none of that will help Joan in the slightest. Only healing her shadow self will emancipate her from this vicious unconscious cycle.

When we understand what shadows are, we can understand that when we are generating life from our painful shadows, the results are self-defeating and incredibly painful. We find time and time again that we meet the same issues, no matter how hard we try to counteract them, just as Mark and Joan tried frantically to do.

 

The Potent Energy of the Shadow

The truth of the matter is the ‘shadow’ is energy.

It HAS a life of its own.

Energy cannot be squashed, it does not vanish, it cannot not exist

If a shadow has formed as a result of intense energy, which is exactly what trauma is, the force of the shadow can be incredibly powerful.

So what happens is, the shadows within that we haven’t brought to light, which we have avoided and disowned, will show up on their own terms.

Our shadows do this by releasing a part of themselves from within, and projecting themselves into The Field (life outside of ourselves).

They literally come to us via events and people. When the pain hits of the shadow in The Field it strikes the wound within, and the unconscious wound is brought to our consciousness.

This is what is meant by the expression “We are always meeting ourselves (our shadows)”, and “No matter where you go you take yourself (your shadows) with you”.

You may have heard people say that when they lose control of the car, and are careering off the road, their intense focus of not hitting the tree generally means they will steer straight in to it.

Our shadows are exactly the same…

This grand illusion creates more wounding. We believe we need to hold on to pain to save ourselves in the future. That is just NOT true. The driver is so much more likely to avoid hitting the tree when she is not terrorised by the fear of hitting it.

The truth is this – it is the shadows which are the most disowned, which show up in their greatest force. These of course, are our most painful shadows that we have not wanted to face.

I think of this ‘shadow system’ as incredible spiritual proof, a wonderful confirmation of a loving, higher order – that gives purpose to our very existence, and to all of humanity.

I believe this is the energy of Source / Life / God in its most liberating form.

What are we really HERE to do?

I believe we are here to self-actualise, to be the greatest force of truth, love and oneness that we can be.

How could we ever achieve that?

By meeting ourselves, taking responsibility and cleaning ourselves up and out of our inner shadows to become highly actualised beings.

To me that is what our souls are striving to create – our awakening to ourselves.

I believe these very shadows that threaten to destroy us, are in fact our saviours if we choose to become conscious.

They are waking us up to evolve ourselves, and to rid ourselves once and for all of the senseless ancestral wounds of worthlessness, abuse and abused that we all carry.

They are propelling us to raise consciousness and to change our world.

Without our shadows pushing us, we would never be motivated to do this work…

 

Unconsciousness, Consciousness and Responsibility

What is the way out of the self-defeating painful feedback loop of our shadows?

Consciousness…

Let’s take for example narcissists – because they are a perfect example of the ultimate unconscious being – “There is nothing wrong with me, I am perfect . It’s everyone else’s’ fault”.

You may want to keep focused on the narcissist’s apparent unconsciousness only, rather than go inwards to find and up-level your own unconsciousness, because after all we know narcissistic behaviour is atrocious.

I had a very interesting experience just recently – two days ago in fact.

I discovered a shocking truth…one that flawed me.

As my great friend Eric Casaccio said to me “You are shocked that you are shocked.”

One of the ex-narcissist partners I was connected with did something in the past – that I discovered (by random information sent to me), to do with greed, a phony insurance claim whereby he used his own children as a prop in the event without them knowing.

His children suffered in that event, they were traumatised…

As a parent I was horrified at the evil…In fact so horrified I felt guttered and devastated that I had been connected to a person who was capable of such a psychopathic sick deed, who could objectify his children as pawns for money.

Truly for half a day I felt poisoned, like I had a fever and sick… I felt incredibly ‘violated’ and quite frankly emotionally crippled.

At the end of the day, I took time to shift this stuff out of my body (thank goodness) because truly I was barely functioning.

When I dropped into my agonised, violated, gutted feelings I found shadows of ‘taking on darkness’ ‘the fear of men’s evil’, and other nasty shadow deep parts of myself that had latched on to that information and personalised it.

Now, this I deeply know – because I live it. Whatever shows up in The Field that triggers me into pain is showing me a shadow part of myself that has not become conscious and been released to the light yet.

The Field triggering me is: this unconscious part being made conscious.

The truth is if I didn’t have a corresponding wound, I wouldn’t have been triggered. I would have said what virtually everyone else did that I relayed the information to “That’s no surprise,” or “I thought he had done that all along”, and I would have had no emotional energy connected to it.

Straight after doing the inner work I could breathe again, I felt so released and relieved. There was absolutely no charge or emotional energy left on the information after shifting those painful beliefs and connected trauma energy out of my body.

Taking responsibility for this triggered pain is what is known as radical personal responsibility. It is the understanding that when I feel pain – It’s mine – it is irrelevant how it got there, and even what someone else is or isn’t doing, or has or hasn’t done.

Because it’s mine,  trying to hold someone else responsible would equal ‘how to lose’. Attacking the narc, well – you could only imagine! And simply bleating about this to people and how sick his actions were, well that would only keep it going and going and going and going in my energy…

If I take 100% responsibility for my emotional pain, I am in my power, and I also have the incredible opportunity to up-level something I wasn’t able to reach into before this time.

That particular up-level was awesome, and I was incredibly grateful for it, because I was able to bring some of my very deep dark wounds into the light to dissolve them.

Now this may seem irresponsible and seem like it is about not holding people accountable for sick acts.

My life used to go like this (and I know you will likely relate)… I used to feel the incensed horror of stuff like that, and lash out in total despair at the lies, and the sick, conscienceless behaviour.

The old me, before I orientated my life around inner emotional healing and 100% responsibility, would have left the wound within me festering and bubbling, would have run through my head all the lies around ‘that’ incident, and the end result is I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I would have HAD to say something…

Thank god that is not my life now, because we all KNOW how that goes. It feeds the narcissist narcissistic supply, you walk into the dark den, you hand power over, the narcissist uses your disowned shadows (blind spots) against you,  and you get soul raped.

That’s the truth.

So now instead of soul rape – I choose soul liberation.

I am NOT responsible for the narcissist’s soul – and I have no power and no bearing over it whatsoever.

How can I bring healing to myself and the world? By getting free of my own painful shadows, and becoming the being of light I am, and shining it and helping other people do the same.

The truth is this – and this is the real truth. I can only experience darkness if I am carrying the darkness of my heritage, my accumulated wounds, my ancestor’s mistakes and their blights inside me.

I have absolutely no power over anyone else’s darkness especially when I am carrying my own.

If I enter The Field reacting from a wounded shadow, then all I am doing is feeding The Field to hammer me back with more of my own shadow.

Doing that in my previous life, before awakening, is what nearly killed me.

The deepest truth was by remaining unconscious I was killing myself with my own shadows.

That’s what narcissist’s are – huge reflectors. That is the service they bring to evolution and humanity – they brutally reflect back your shadows so MASSIVELY you can’t miss them.

Unless of course you choose to remain unconscious…

The huge irony is: the people who we think are destroying us, are the ones helping us the MOST to wake up…

 

The Powerlessness of Our Disowned Shadows

Our shadows are snapped off from wellbeing. They are powerless, painful trapped emotions. They require rescuing – but the catch is only we can make them conscious – because they are our emotions.

My lovely friends when I relayed to them my guttered feelings over ex-narc’s ‘evil’ said the best thing they could have to me. Yes, they did validate how sick his behaviour had been,  but then they got down to the real healing deal. They said, “Something in you is triggered Mel. There’s something to heal. You’ll find it and shift it – you always do”.

God love evolutionary friends who don’t subscribe to perpetuating powerless victimhood!

If we were to imagine our shadows as energy, they are powerless, they are devoid of ‘light’. This means they are ‘anti-life’, they are not generating their own energy, and they are detracting from the expansion, flourishing and the nourishing of our natural energy.

Our shadows sit dormant, until they are triggered (either from within or without), and then anti-life starts permeating our emotions and our life.

That is exactly how I felt for half that day – ‘dead’ trying to ‘live’.

We all know that feeling…

Our shadows drain energy out of our battery cell, rather than replenishing it.

Our shadows also ‘suck’ from the wholesomeness of The Field.

We may not know it, but we may be trying to get rescued in The Field, we may be ‘giving to get’, we may be maladapting ourselves in unconscious unwholesome ways, or we may be enabling others who are sick to spread their darkness, by handing what real useable energy we do have over to them.

Shadows generate ‘quasi-life’, they do not shine and beam light into The Field.

In stark contrast they infect The Field and spread darkness, and destroy what light is there.

Additionally our shadows love to trap us with shame and blame. The more we try to disown our ‘broken’ inner parts, and amputate away from that part of ourselves, the more we hate them, make excuses for them, feel incredible shame about them, blame them on someone else, manifest monsters in our life to take the blame for us, and continue abusing ourselves with addictions, bad relationships, self-judgement, conditional love and poor self-treatment.

When we finally wake up and stop doing this, and choose to LOVE ourselves shadow and all – then we can start doing something about transforming these painful trapped E-Motions into something so much healthier.

 

Bringing Light to the Shadows

Our shadows are our painful trapped emotions that are causing us to have ‘less than’ belief systems about ourselves, life and others.

Unfortunately and sadly we have been trained to avoid looking within, and we were educated by people who were terrified of their own shadows that taking person responsibility meant “Admitting fault”, “Taking the blame”, “Handing power over”, and “Being vulnerable and susceptible to attack from the outside”.

Sadly these illusions have perpetrated shadows and unconsciousness.

The insanity is the not being educated about shadows, despite them showing up outside of ourselves often.

Meaning we may not see what is really going on despite the message being repeated and intensifying.

And intensify it does, because the unconscious feedback loop gains momentum.

The unconscious shadow projects into The Field and draws the real-life version. This creates the trigger of painful E-Motion (the unconscious made conscious), and if the wound is not claimed and liberated it becomes bigger.

Now because the energetic projection into The Field is bigger again, the next feedback event is even more powerful and so on…

Until hopefully we connect the dots, and our shadows finally get our attention…

Connecting the dots means stepping out of the trance of believing that we are ‘separate’ from life –that our experience in life is a series or unrelated events to ourselves.

So how do we wake up from the nightmare to stop the pain happening?

Self–reflection is the anti-venom to the poison – it is the only true cure…big time…

First of all we have to admit that we are human and that we have inner wounding.

If you have a problem accepting that…

Look at our world…

Look at the unconsciousness, the lack of emotional intelligence and inner understanding of how we really generate life.

Look at the pattern of treating symptoms but not going into the reasons for causes. Look at a world modelled on instant gratification and quick fixes without dealing with the real issues.

Look at the collective wounds of females throughout the ages, who have been shredded, raped and subject to genocide in the millions.

Look at the collective wounds of males who were taught to disconnect from women, and distrust them, rather than connect to them as the sacred union to come home to God.

We have been separated from each other, separated from Oneness, and separated from our own inner beings. Our world is one where we were taught to believe all we had to do was just ‘get ‘, ‘have’ or ‘look’ a certain way and the pain would go away.

Did that work?!

No it didn’t…

Of course we are wounded – how on earth could we NOT be?

Humankind is wounded…

The truth is, if you are having a human experience you have wounds. If you have had or are receiving painful events in your life, you can be totally sure you have wounds.

Maybe you have gone down the path of trying to hold others accountable rather than realising the trapped painful emotions in your body are yours. If so, are you going to curb your own evolution and the glory of your actualised self because your shadows remain unattended to?

I promise you this – something I have known for a long time:

The people who don’t think they are wounded are the most wounded.

Narcissists are the world’s most full-blown example of this truth.

To start waking up – to get conscious – we need to turn inwards. We need to take our focus off ‘out there’ and we need to put it ‘in there’ – knowing that ‘in there’ and ‘out there’ is the same thing.

Knowing that the only way we change either and both is to do the work ‘in there’, on our shadows – our trapped painful emotions that absolutely exist.

The following is the test – the absolute test…of how to know if you have painful shadows lurking within you.

Think about something painful or traumatic that happened in your life. It doesn’t matter whether it was 50 years ago, or yesterday. Really go for the memory of the event.

Do you still have negative emotion connected to it?

If the answer is ‘yes’, then it is shadow playing out in your life now. It is a trapped painful emotion, it is E-Motion, energy in motion in your present reality.

How you know it is no longer a shadow, is when you can think it about with no emotional charge on it. And that is exactly what energetic shift processes create – they release and up-level trapped painful emotions and transmute them into light.

Creating that reality is your absolute goal.

Often we may not know what trapped shadows we have. Negative emotion that just ‘bubbles’ up is a great indicator , but there may be really deep stuff within that we are not aware of.  This is where The Field (Life) provides the information. If we are delivered pain from The Field, we must have that exact pain trapped inside us.

When we wake up from the trance we realise that if we don’t transform our E-Motions, we will continue to meet them in The Field, where we will continue to wrestle with them, feel more powerless and hand our power over, get more damaged, and the lesson will get louder and louder until we stop, and meet our shadows.

Buddha had it right when he said “If you want to know what your inner world is doing look at your outer world”.

Einstein also had it right when he said “You can’t solve problems with the same level of consciousness they were created at”.

It’s true – we have to become conscious if we want to wake up for the unconscious nightmare.

 

The Alchemy in the Shadows

This I know, because I live it – 100%.

Whenever (like two days ago) I go to a wound inside myself, claim it, release it to the light and bring down light into the space where that wound previously was…something incredible happens.

What happens is personal alchemy, it is transcendence. This process grants a releasing of energy, expansion and freedom that I didn’t had previous access to.

Within the darkness of the shadow is anti-matter – it is anti-life, yet when released and transmuted what is unlocked is spectacular.

It is pure life-force.

The illumination and transmutation is my energy that had been sucked down into the shadow. My pure potentiality had been imprisoned.

So what happens when the shadow is released and that pure potentiality breaks free?

How can I express this in words?

I’ll try…it is like accessing a part of you that you never knew, yet know has been you all along.

It is like a connection to the Oneness of Life, yourself, others and the reason for being alive that transcends anything you previously know, yet you instinctually know has been coded deeply within you for eternity.

And you recognise this…actually it’s so much more than that – you just know it.

You literally lose who you were being and start becoming who you were always mean to be.

You start knowing and understanding things that make more sense and create more solidness than you ever knew was possible.

You literally understand life…

Probably the best way I could describe this is being a part of ‘Heaven on Earth’.

I know this with every cell of my being… that within the greatest of darkness is unlocked the greatest of light.

The absolute truth is the goodies are all within – the absolute power, solidness and wholeness comes from transforming our shadows into the light – unlocking the unlimited potential of the power that was held within our shadows.

It is in the releasing of the shadows where we gain our energy that flows from Source, our infinite wisdom, expansion and wholeness, and our connection to Oneness and unity.

I have done many shifts on large wounds, and with my eyes closed somatically felt and seen a light enter my being that is so blinding in warmth and brilliance that I have been forever changed from the moment it entered my body.

I know that my total 100% acceptance of the truth, to actualising myself and seeing the entire journey as a meaningful gift of the highest order has allowed me to totally dedicate to this orientation of claiming and up-levelling my shadows.

Two days ago was a test…

In reality all triggered wounded times are…

I could have got all ‘human’ on it, got stuck in my mind, and the wounds, made it about ‘his evilness’ and I would still be there in the pain (no doubt).

I could have avoided going to the inner pain to claim it and release it, and taken the short term fix of escaping my ‘hurting’ with a distraction, addiction, diversion or projection. (I promise you I used to be an expert of ALL of those tactics in my past).

Thank goodness I have had enough life experience and ‘beat ups’ from The Field (Life delivering my own shadows) to realise none of these things work!

I simply don’t do that to myself anymore – in stark contrast I deeply know the gold that will be mined and released every time I attend to up-levelling a trigger (shadow).

Through intense work on my shadows I was already feeling incredibly free from the latest narcissist 18 months ago – but this most recent big shift released me even more.

Because yet another part of me has now ascended to become no match to his energy, as well as those who represent more of these wounds in my present and future life.

This creates raising up into a completely different Universe. It creates a beingness of light – instead of darkness.

I am even more free…

Please know I am not unusual or special, I am no different to you or better than anyone else…We are ALL the same…I just simply choose to accept and act on the truth, and the attending to of my inner life as my highest priority.

Because I know all of my life depends on it.

It is my greatest mission that I can help create ‘awakening’, to help lift the veil on unconsciousness, by talking directly to your soul about your truth.

So that you too can access your shadows as the most incredible springboard to your freedom, emancipation, liberation and joy.

Exactly what the pain is meant for…

The pain that we think is killing us, actually carries the complete solution to our lives within it.

It holds the key that sets us free…finally…

I look forward to responding to your comments and questions!

 

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111 thoughts on “What Is The Shadow Self And How Does It Affect Us?

  1. Tonia it’s been awhile since I sent you the first of my 2 emails pointing out that the narcisist is just the activator, and MIRROR of what we have disowned or split off from within ourselves…I am so loving that you are really residing in this understanding yourself….obviously you have known this, but you’re way more ON this recently, which I love…..now I send your stuff out to many people…I’m so aligned, and LOVE to have you for MY MIRROR in this way…smile…. …..I very seldom read someone who thinks,feels and knows it like this…it seems like a no-brainer to me, but lo, most folks do NOT think they have a shadow…or if they do, they mentalize it and say they’ve done their “inner child work” …looked at their disowned parts, as if it was a one time deal way back when and not a dynamic ongoing process…getting more and more refinement…….I’ve been so mystified that folks do not actually DO shadow work…some know the concept, but won’t roll up their sleeves when activatated and do the “work” of embracing those dark parts……I’ve had to face that this is what is on this planet!!!…..I have really resisted this experience of the ignorance and arrogance of “not me O Lord, it’s my brother and my sister but not me, oh lord!!)….I have much clearing to do myself on this issue, and of course others, but I know the map…..bless you for boldly going where most folks won’t go…..what a friggin relief for the validation of a similar understanding…..blessings, clara

    1. Hi Clara,

      its funny how some people call me Tonia!

      I do believe that people becoming so much more aware of how their shadows play out could change our world incredibly!

      Mel xo

  2. Hi Mel,
    OMG I want to hug, congratulate and meet that wonderful woman you spoke of in your healing session. How inspirational she is! Please pass this on to her if possible!
    It’s astounding what certain conditions in our childhood sets up in our subconscious as totally normal that totally is not!!! Until we reach adult hood, we don’t really start to get a picture that what we believed was normal as a child, is actually false and if we allow that pain to finally emerge, learn and respond to it within us, in a kinder manner – we can change our reality – that we never knew realistically existed prior.
    Being stuck in pity parties or pity competitions just escalates and continues the pain cycle. As you said – taking the opportunity to identify and spend the time on yourself to heal is the best winner of all. Then sharing your knowledge of your joy of freedom to others, just manifests greater joy for anyone, who is ready to receive it.
    More grand cardinal cross examples from many people and also you! It’s time for healing the past and taking the gift of new beginnings!!!! Absolutely wonderful!
    Thank you once again for an inspirational piece of writing!
    All my luv
    Annie
    xxxx

    1. Hi Annie,

      It is wonderful when there is the decision to go inwards, meet and release the wounds – as you have done such a wonderful job of doing also!

      I agree there is so much pain in our life that our subconscious is attached to – and then we try to survive ‘in it’ as ‘our normal’.

      It is a huge win / win when we can anchor into inner work and then assist others to do the same – it is our true solution…

      You are so welcome Annie, and much love to you too!

      Mel xo

  3. You must read a book called Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss.It explained about archetypes and shadows of each archetypes.It explains why we come into contact with everyone whether is good or bad.It is a contract with every person to learn about yourself. EG:A woman who was stuck in her energy of a 10 year old child,couldn’t understand why her family,would not listen her or acknowledge her,which in turn made her laeve the family home when she was old enough.Her lesson was … to become independent and not to have blinkers on in her thoughts.To be open to the world.I think this is an important lesson,I cried because I could identify with this and lots of other archetypes.Generally everyone has 4 main archetypes but their are others that we have bits of.Please read… with your help and this book,I have come a long way.The book is a journey to understand ones self.Hope this helps..

    1. Hi Marilyn,

      I haven’t read this book – but yes I would love to get around to it…I have a pile of books at the moment…quite a stockpile!

      I 100% agree that every encounter is to evolve ourselves, and is a part of our essential soul’s growth.

      Thank you for your recommendation and I will put the book on my list to read…

      Mel xo

  4. I find this to be truth. It is interesting, however, that there are websites and Facebook sites for victims of Narcissistic abuse that violently reject any notion that the victim should hold some responsibility for what happened to them. They appear to see it as a ‘blame-game’ which it is not. It is simply removing the device through which a sociopath/narcissist can get his or her ‘hooks’ into you. If victims could see past the ‘blame-me’ notion and recognize that they are also party to what happened to them then I believe recovery is much quicker and lasting. After all, it is all about how we are feeling inside and our reactions to what happened to us. Only we have control over this, no one else can make us feel what we feel except us. Thanks Melanie!

    1. Hi Marlane,

      Yes, sadly the general consensus is the victim model.

      Which blocks all possibility of growth, healing and evolution. All it does is perpetuate unconsciousness and abuse / abused…

      Our world needs a different level of consciousness to get well – on a micro and macro level.

      You are very welcome Marlane.

      Mel xo

    2. I was in therapy after a violent marriage and what we looked at were childhood wounds relating to violence and abuse. The main healing message was ‘it was not your fault. you did not deserve that’. i think that message is very important because abusers ALWAYS blame their targets for the abuse and children particularly accept the blame, and build a negative identity about how they are bad people and they deserved it. I think it is possible to preserve that healing message while adding in the energetic healing messages about releasing negative energy in order not to attract more of the same etc. I dont think it has to be either/ or.

      1. Hi MVH,

        I am going to be outspoken here…cognitive therapy for abuse has a very poor REAL success rate..this has been quoted by many different sources, and with the thousands of cases I have seen – many that have been in long ongoing therapy, as well as my own personal experience I would agree.

        A logical understanding of ‘it is not my fault’ does not relieve the trauma of what was taken on…

        The reason being is it doesn’t release and shift Inner Being trauma…

        Absolutely that negative identity you mentioned needs to be shifted, but assigning blame or no blame is not how that can be done..

        Sadly most abuse forums are filled with people stating ‘It wasn’t our / your fault” which means that ‘fault’ (a very human blame game dynamic HAS to be put somewhere) is then used as an intense focus as being wronged by the abuser (being a victim)..

        It is also used as an ‘excuse’ to stop looking within at one’s own wounds..

        In healing terms this equals powerlessness and stunted if not entirely halted REAL recovery..

        The best case scenario out of this is being ‘an abuse survivor’..

        The real higher picture deal that truly sets us free is this – no-one is to blame…

        This is where we can start to grant compassion to the entire spectrum of abuse / abusers – which are two sides of the same insane coin…

        Abusers were also children who were products of abuse…and everyone in their version of ‘life’ programming and traumas is doing the best they can with the degree of damage they sustained when abused..

        Yes abusers blame – so do victims, and none of it gets anyone anywhere…

        Taking responsibility has nothing to do with having to assign blame or non-blame to anyone in any shape or form..

        Blame has NO upside, healing purpose or energetic benefit.

        Even mentioning ‘blame’ is like saying ‘Don’t think of a pink elephant..’

        Healthily we can observe abusers are damaged and we observe we are also, without using ‘blame’, and know and we need to take responsibility to heal our wounds.

        Because we have no power or even right to fix or change another person.

        Mel xo

        1. This might sound weird but I truly did ‘blame’ myself for the abuse in my marriage. I thought it was entirely my fault, part of the reason I stayed. I wont go into details, but one day I saw through what was going on, as in my partner was initiating most of the conflict, not me. Also, as a child, I felt angry and neglected, but at the same time I thought that the reason my parents were mean was that I was a bad child. I thought perhaps sometimes they went to extremes, but the bottom line was that it happened because of something I said, or did, or just because of the way I was.

          1. I dont like cognitive behavioural therapy at all either. I think it was a Gestalt therapist I worked with. A lot of it was about changing the way I saw what happened, and shifting the emotions. It was hard work, it took a couple of years with lots of writing and pillow punching in the times in between the weekly sessions.

          2. I think I could only deal with so much of the ‘stuff’ at one time. It was the end of the severest abuse in my life, childhood into first marriage. I became financially independent, made friends outside of my relationship, got clean and sober, all this was big progress for me at the time. I am now thinking my mother was a N, none of that was dealt with way back, the focus was on the violence and the verbal abuse. Just before I met the N, I ad a brief friendship with a woman and more than once I was laughingly saying, oh get lost you are worse than my mother. I started getting new memories of things that happened with my mother in my childhood. And when I was with the N, I was telling him also how he was like my mother. He treated me like a ‘mini me’, fussing over what phone I should have, he did is best to control what I wore, how I did my hair, he set a rigid routine for my day all enforced by abuse and I couldnt stand it. When I tried to leave he actually locked me in the house. So I think its all about mother issues for me at the moment.

          3. Narcissicism is key, because it explains the way a parent treats you like an object, like you only exist to make them look good, or act as a target for negative energies they want to get rid of. I just wanted to jump up and down shouting I AM ME. I AM NOT YOU. If someone didnt understand my mother had NPD, it would be difficult to explain why I felt like this so strongly. Or why I retaliated by doing everything possible to make her look bad ie the opposite of what she wanted.

          4. I am so glad I did or I would not have developed a sense of self at all I suppose. I have two sisters, one has NPD like my mother, and the other is probably very codependent, very small ‘c’ conservative, but she is an empath I think. Like myself she has big problems with my mothers attitude, also that of my NPD sister. She wasnt the scapegoat/black sheep like myself and developed in a very different way from me, though we are still friendly despite radical personality/lifestyle differences.

          5. Anyhow, I digress :-)About the whole ‘blame’ issue. I am not sure I fully get what you are saying. Though it has to be unhelpful to shift blame if that leads to not taking responsibility for your own healing.

          6. Hi MVH,

            it is not weird at all. We all took on ‘blame’ in abuse, from childhood and / or as adults.

            And as children of course we couldn’t leave, and as adults we took on the projections and the blame..

            Even, after all I know in my second narc relationship, there were still wounded parts of myself that at times made me believe the versions according to him – that his behaviour was ‘my fault’.

            It is the wounded parts of ourselves that are responsible for accepting the projections…

            That was consistent for all of us.

            Mel xo

          7. Yes MVH,

            I understand re the beating pillows and journaling, and that was effective in getting the pain our of your body.

            However, you have described it perfectly that the abuse from your mother is still a shadow, and has not necessarily been truly cleaned up – as per what The Field is showing you still.

            The Quanta Freedom Healing process is much more than releasing the immediate abuse out of your body. The process reaches right back into your timeline, and also to the generation DNA belief systems that are the very core of your pain, fear and abuse patterns – then releases them and replaces them with ‘whole’ energy.

            In regard to the blame – that’s okay – I certainly know what you mean – that it is the first step to know that atrocious and unacceptable behaviour is ‘not yours’.

            The deeper understanding is that the wounds within me, programming and generational abuse beliefs have created this reality for me, and that is what I need to get to and heal in order to change my life.

            I hope this helps.

            Mel xo

  5. Part of the untangling process from the shadow self the narcissist has triggered seems to be discovering what it is we really want for ourselves. Previously we were so busy trying to survive with the narcissist, it was difficult to have any sense of self at all. But now, in order to be 100% true to ourselves we must say no to others and yes to ourselves often to the point where we are keeping ourselves happy all of the time.
    The next step is the harder though. I know because I haven’t mastered it yet, but I hope to one day. And thqt is not allowing others particularly narcissists to hurt us and affect our state of peace. Keep up the good work everybody and take care.

    1. Karen-your words spoke so well to what I have been feeling and going through, sadly only realizing the truth after 44 years of living with a narc. I haven’t totally mastered the steps required to heal but Mel’s blogs are steering me in the right direction … along with postings such as yours reminding me of the others who have been where I am and who are finding it possible to be 100% honest and true to ourselves.

      1. Hi Judy,

        I really want you to know, as I want everyone to know..

        The steps and ‘way’ has been created. That is what the Quanta Freedom Healing process is. Those are the 10 specific healings in the NARP Program.

        All you need to do is download the Program and follow the instructions – it is all there.

        Mel xo

    2. Hi Karen,

      it is very true that we need to untangle ‘what we really want’. The catch is that with inner woundedness we may conceptually ‘think’ what we want – yet unless we can somatically ‘feel’ it in our bodies as our truth our Inner Identity will not be a match for that level of deservedness – due to the inner beliefs of shame, pain and unworthiness.

      Saying “yes” to ourselves really means meeting these inner wounds and attending to them – first and foremost. That is what self-love is…

      When we do up-level those wounds there is nothing to ‘manage’ is as far as narcissists, it is a simple observation that they are not your reality, and you have no inner wound binding you to them…

      The real goal is not to ‘manage’ or ‘master’ (which means the inner wounding still exists) – it is to ‘become’ (which means there is not that inner wounding anymore)..

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Melanie,

        What you just said above just caused an “A HA” moment for me. No matter what unless we are truly anchored and free of our inner wounds or at least in “Our True” comfort zone of recovery can WE really actualize what we can be capable of. We will be our own creators of our lives, expectainions, emotionally and physically. We will not question others opinions but have our own. We will not judge but offer help if asked. We will continue to grow in our life by discovering what feeds our soul and those around us. So, the reward to us will be…freedom to be who we’re meant to be. Free from anyone or thing but yet meant to be ourselves.

  6. I have been living in such intense emotional pain in the last few years, events have unfolded that have turned my life into a living nightmare. The energy has been drained from me and I no longer have self esteem. But I’m so thankful to learn that this is coming from my own dark shadows. I could hear them speaking to me as I read each word you wrote. I’m not quite sure how to release them and will be trying to figure this out but I understand I need to identify them and release them in order to heal. Just having this knowledge gives me hope that I can heal my life and I don’t have to carry this pain for an undetermined length of time. Thank you for sharing this. I’m ready to take this journey into the light.

    1. Hi Therese,

      I am so thrilled this has given you hope…

      And that is exactly what taking our power back inside us does.

      We know we CAN change our life beyond description.

      Therese, exactly as I wrote above for Judy. You don’t have to try to ‘work it out’…I already spent years doing that. The NARP Program is that process.

      Totally…

      You don’t have to keep struggling in the pain, not knowing the way of ‘how to get out’ – there is a direct path to up-level it, and it truly is a workable, already created process…all you have to do is follow the instructions.

      If you are ready to take the journey – I promise you it works…

      Mel xo

  7. Perfect timing. I have been reading about self actualizing all week! I get it – owning my pain is not about fault…ie…’it’s my fault I am damaged’….but owning that I have it in ‘the soup’ of myself, it lives in my beliefs. It is at the bottom of the pot…hidden beneath. Taking responsibility for what I was given means owning I was given it, and have been living through this lens . It affects the flavour of who I am. The more I was given the more it affects the flavour. I believe another term for this is introjects, which are the legacy past from one to another. Then I set my life up to confirm it by attracting those who will play along. I attract those who will confirm what I think of myself. Then when they do, I get beaten up, again and again. I have unconsciously chosen those who will confirm my deepest fears.Until the illusion of those false beliefs are removed, they keep running the show, stealing time and energy, and distracting me from fulfilling my purpose.

    Thank you so much…I tracked with all you said, and it is beautiful to be on this road together.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      its wonderful that you understand that self-responsibility is not about blame and shame…

      Absolutely so much of our wounding was taken on from our ancestors…

      You have named it all perfectly – what you have written is absolute truth.

      Lovely to have you as a fellow traveller, shining the light of truth.

      Mel xo

    2. Thank you for your insight Ruth “it’s my fault I’ve been damaged” – “means owning I was given it”.
      This was so helpful to me, understanding the shame I still carry, which was projected onto me by shame-less people, and which I continue to buy into (unconsciously). I recognized through your words that underlying some of my feelings of pain, anger and abandonment, are even more painful feelings of Shame. I am ashamed of the relationships I have had (and /or been subject to) . I am frightened of the damage I may have caused my children through them. And I think now as adults, they sense that deep shame of mine, and perhaps have grown to feel that it is ok if they now treat me shamefully?
      These are hard feelings to have to deal with. But like Melanie says, they are pointers to what I need to heal in myself. A chance to turn the shadow into gold.
      Thanks Melanie- for a global as well as a personal perspective on these deep rooted and ancient issues.

      1. Hi Becca,

        it is so true, that with abuse comes deep shame. The shame we tool on for the abuser as well as the generation within us of being abused.

        You are correct in that shame attracts more shaming.

        Yes they are hard feelings to deal with – however it is so much harder to continue a life with more pain if those E-motions are not attended to.

        Deeply consider NARP Becca as your healing solution. Then you have a direct, supportive and effective way to heal this…

        By doing so you will not only free yourself, you will you impact your children in ways that will free them from the cycles of abuse / abuser too.

        You are very welcome Becca.

        Mel xo

  8. Dear Melania, After my narcissist broke off our engagement (which I was grateful he did), I have had the courage to do no contact (even though the narcissist attempts contact on an almost daily basis) and maintain no contact. I think I’m ready to do the NARP program. Is this something I can effectively do on my own? I’m on a very tight budget.

    Thank you for all you do. Your newsletters have been a tremendous help in getting me to this point.

    In light and love,
    CV

    1. Hi CV,

      That is wonderful that you have managed No Contact, and been strong.

      NARP is a self-healing Program – yet has incredible support. You become a member of the NARP Forum which is filled with incredible people dedicated to up-levelling their lives and supporting others.

      And you have me with you energetically throughout every one of the Quanta Freedom Healing MP3s.

      The answer is ‘yes’…NARP teaches you how to rescue and heal yourself, with the power of this support.

      NARP is only $20AUD a month…and therefore incredibly affordable for what it offers, which is a lifetime resource of continued healing / up-levelling.

      And of course it has a full money back guarantee no questions asked..

      It will be the best decision you could make to take your healing to that true inner evolutionary level – the healing of your entire life patterns is absolutely worth every cent.

      Mel xo

    2. CV,
      I cannot say enough about the value of Melanie’s NARP program. It’s truly a lifesaver, for such a low cost. If you are on a tight budget, this is the perfect solution. I’ve been in therapy for years, but NOTHING has come close to helping me identify the issues and release them as this program. I highly recommend it! Happy healing!

  9. Instead of dark shadows inside us, I read about feelings of guilt, not being good enough, this was the message brought to is while being abused in our young life. I would say dark shadows over our lives not in US but outside US that make us perceive things differently. Letting go of the quilt and responsability for being victimised is in my opinion a strategy that makes us less helpless. Embracing the good, love and warmth children have and full human beings. Being in us, not the darkness that others spilled out over us.

    1. Hi Mere,

      these feelings are absolutely a great part of the dark shadows we carry…

      If we have these emotions, they are ‘inside’ us…they have become our beliefs about ourselves..

      Absolutely we are inherently love, wholesomeness and goodness, however, these less than beliefs can muddy that…and bring forth realities that are not that essential good..

      Further confirming those unconscious ‘less then’ beliefs..

      All of course to help us know what we need to let go off to unlock, and fully claim and blossom into our inherent truth of love and Oneness.

      Which is Who We Really Are…

      Mel xo

  10. Please consider this seriously.

    Parents take their children to sport on weekends and some cause a lot of trouble. As a coach, referee and sporting official up to olympic standard, these weekend parents taught me something that is all to do with issues in your article.

    They have a perception of reality for their child’s ability in the sport. Things happen that don’t sit well with the subconscious reality they have for their child. The child my not be very good at all in the sport and may be really poor at the skills. Still the parents reality is what it is and this has a major impact on behaviours. Indeed, in a minority of cases the child is much better then the parents subconscious reality and this too causes great harm.

    As is the case with all our subconscious realities concerning all things in our life, when physical evidence and events do not support this sub conscious reality,there is immediate conitive disonance in the creative subconscious.

    It is the role of the creative subconscious to guard and sustain this reality. It doesnt matter if it is negative or positive, harsh of gentle true or false, our creative subconscious will endeavour to make good the circumstance to restore evidence of the subconscious relaity, what ever it might be and what ever it takes.

    The creative subconscious is a very powerful tool of the human mind. This reality does not need to be at all true and consistant with regular evidence. The creative subconscious will do things to achieve this reality, be it dillusional, or manipulated from circumstances in what ever method required. It isn’t a matter of choice. This is the creative SUB CONSCIOUS. It can even do its work as we sleep.

    So this explains the people we see on weekends at the kids footy. People who we know to be very nice and reasonable good persons and they sometimes behave in outrageous rants and rages at the kids sport. This is their creative subconscious at work. They imagine things that just are not true. They see things that just dont happen and they behave like a Narcissist when approached with emotional reality.

    Some of these people go home after one or two footy games. They find themselves in front of the mirror alone and they look deeply into their own eyes and they may well think, “oh gee maybe Johnny is a “b grade” goal keeper. They may face off with this emotional adjustment in a few true self encounters.

    It’s a wonderful thing that i have seen many times as a referee, the man or woman who so awful and outrageously, almost psychotic at previous games, now have no conitive dissonance driving this behaviour because the physical evidence of Johnny doing “b grade” stuff sits well with the true self and the new adjusted reality and the parent feels at peace and joyful.

    Another aspect is the athlete training for success. They have a subconscious reality of their ability. As a coach we set the bar for them and give them a real achievable dream to aspire to. Their subconscious reality is that they are at this desired level. Then in competition, when the evidence through failure gives less then desirable results, the subconscious reality acts the same way as the concerned parent. The difference in performance and the subconscious reality causes conitive dissonance and even in their sleep they are doing things at a very powerful emotional and subconscious level to make their reality, or the dream come true. Very often we find them at training early, asking questions about better training options and all manner of things happen that drive them to this dream. My job as coach is to know how to make this dream achievable and a genuine achievable reality.

    This fact of human nature is the same process that drives a woman to one Narcissistic man after another. Her subconscious reality is that of an un worthy abused woman and she will be doing things at a very powerful emotional subconscious level to sustain this reality.

    A loving, caring and respectful man would be fighting against her creative subconscious that would be seeking abuse and events that will allign with her true self of “abuse victim”.

    The key to the perception of success, which is simply the elimination of the conitive dissonance, is to create or attain evidence of this subconscious reality.

    Narcissists achieve this by simply maniplating circumstances to create the illusion. They may, through violence, cheating lying and what ever is necessary,bring about the percieved reality.

    But lets not bother talking about narcissists because they will not change. We can only help those who have access to the true self and can go there and adjust the peceptions and the realities that they will strive to achieve with all their heart and soul.

    I know that focus on God and religion serves only to make this process more difficult. I am not saying there is no God. But God doesnt do the adjusting of the reality and the sence of self. This is done through experience of life, the genuine connection of reality and the subconscious via the function of normal emotional inteligence.

    Reliance on God and so called spiritual extraneous help is a mistake. God want you to stand on your own two feet. God wants you to percieve reality, love and compassion. God want you to function spiritually. He gave you the tools. He want you to use them.

    1. Hi Doug,

      it is so very true that the subconscious ‘reality’ plays out to the letter.

      What do unconscious beliefs that have emotional energy attached to them do? They generate with life the validity of the belief system.

      I truly believe there is an incredible connection between science and spirituality.

      We have the ability to be ‘spiritual’ and attend to our ‘unseen’ energy in a very real scientific way to re-create our subconscious.

      The unseen creates the seen – it all starts with energy / soul / spirit – which really is just other words for our subconscious / Inner Being…

      I also believe that we are all connected to Source / Life and a Higher Power – which is actually the most expansive part of ourselves…if we create a connection to access it..

      Our logical mind is far too limited to expand into that realm – hence why another level of consciousness is required.

      Thank you for your post Doug!

      Mel xo

  11. I can relate to your article here – I am experiencing this myself. Instead of looking for others to change – I am looking within myself so that I may find those wounds and heal them once and for all. That is the freedom. Thanks for the good information. It is a relief to know that by shining a light on our darkness, one can heal.

    Big Hug!

  12. One classic example that makes this whole concept simple to see is the art of quitting smoking. Also the art of loosing weight.

    If you get on the scales and weigh yourself and see that you are 10 KGs lower weight then you believed, your subconscious will feel conitive dissonance and do things to have you achieve this weight. You might think you are in a program to loose weight. But unless you manage the true self reality, you will strive to retain the reality, even if it is the opposite to the rational desired outcome.

    As for smoking, if you reality is simply “I am smoking”, you will do things to make that come true and you will feel stressed just looking at your hands without a cigarette in them. On the hand if you adjust this subconscious reality to ” I am not smoking” you will be stressed when you see a smoke at hand.

    So it is if your reality is ” I am a good person and deserve love and respect”, then you will quickly rid yourself of people who work against this reality.

    1. Hi Doug,

      so very true…

      The issue can be, if the subconscious container is clogged up with great pain and fear regarding a topic (which are very persistent and ingrained survival programs), it can be very difficult to get a new belief to filter through and take hold..

      This is possible for less traumatised things in our life, which don’t have a great deal of emotional ‘junk’ blocking the way..

      This is why using a tool that can create a release of the energy of pain and fear – can then create a space to bring in the new healthier belief.

      That is exactly what an instant shift creates. That is what the QFH process does.

      It eliminates months, years or decades of the ongoing battle of trying to bring ‘A Ferrari into a garage which is blocked up with a rusty old wreck”.

      Mel xo

  13. Dear Melanie and All: This shadow-work blog is so helpful. After reading it and doing some NARP clearing, I think I’ve realized that my inner-child wounding has to do with believing that I am not trustworthy, that I am a liar, and that I deceive. Hence, the narcissists that have been delivered up to me in my life mirror those shadow beliefs. I am really thankful for these insights because, just as Mel had, I have recently had a big trigger-event that caused me much pain. After reading this blog and then really feeling into the pain of that trigger, and identifying the source of it, I can now understand why the event was so painful…in fact, why many past triggers of the same nature are so painful. Thank you once again, MTE, for doing this good work. Your gifts are truly the ones that keep on giving!

    1. Hi Rosalee,

      that is a very powerful example of shadows – and a very accurate one.

      If you were raised by people projecting their own fear / pain on this topic – started somewhere back on the ancestral line – then YES you would have taken it on…

      Now what happens with beliefs such as these ones – if you have a conscience – you DON’T act like that in real life, but the shadow draws people who represent those beliefs to you…

      Brilliant Rosalee, now you understand that WHEN a huge trigger goes off, there is some ‘dark’ part in you that relates to it, and can be released…

      That is pure evolution and consciousness at its best..

      Keep going!

      Mel xo

  14. Hi Mel,

    Wow, what a powerful article, Thank you so much Melanie. Sometimes I feel like flying to Melbourne and just give you a big hug. 🙂

    I now understand why I have been having so much stuff come up for me over the past few days while diligently working module 1 of NARP. As soon as I shift something, some other pain, fear or anger comes up for me and not to mention the memories attached to it. A part of me wants to go in and blame my current narc, my exes who were all narcs and my narc sister, who hurt me the most, physically and emotionally, during my developing years as a toddler, child and teenager.

    Another big thing that came up for me is the fear of leaving my current narc, especially now that I have an exit plan. When I dropped into this fear, I received memories of my sister screaming at me for speaking my mind as a child and then I would have the exact same crippling fear of saying anything else further. I would then be so scared of being seen as bad, or get beaten up and apologise the next day or even later that day. I would make myself small and except all the blame to escape punishment. I already knew at those young ages that she was completely out of line.

    I have this gut feeling of working forgiveness processes for myself, her, and my current narc. On the one hand, I feel that I might be poisoned by them, even after working these processes, seeing to it that I am not completely cut off from them yet and it will let me, let myself down. Maybe this is just my ego speaking. Then, on the other hand, I feel that releasing this anger and fear towards them will somehow help me to make a clearer decision as I wont be only seeing things through these wounds anymore.

    Then, today, I read your article and this line stands out so much for me: Einstein also had it right when he said “You can’t solve problems with the same level of consciousness they were created at”.
    And also where you say about your own experience: “Whenever (like two days ago) I go to a wound inside myself, claim it, release it to the light and bring down light into the space where that wound previously was…something incredible happens.
    What happens is personal alchemy, it is transcendence. This process grants a releasing of energy, expansion and freedom that I didn’t had previous access to.
    Within the darkness of the shadow is anti-matter – it is anti-life, yet when released and transmuted what is unlocked is spectacular.” and the rest of the last section of this article; so powerful.

    Which module in the NARP should I use when working the forgiveness processes from the forgiveness ebook? The 3rd module, which is about forgiving yourself and life, the 8th module which is about the fear, or the goal setting module?

    Much Love xoxo

    1. Hi Quinton,

      with so much travel coming up in the future, I am sure we will have the possibility to meet in person!

      It will be lovely to share that hug!

      I would definitely use Module 3 Quinton, and really work it through..

      This is about a surrender…yes it is your ego, wanting to hold on to resentment and blame as a defence.

      This doesn’t protect you in any shape or form – it binds you to the narcs..

      Absolutely releasing the energy of this will put you into the most powerful position possible, because when we become ‘whole’ we are coded NATURALLY to know how to look after ourselves and show up in life authentically which is never about being abused, or enabling abuse.

      Always, ALWAYS make your goal ONLY about releasing the toxicity out of your body -and the rest always falls into place.

      It is the egoic mind that wants absolutes, outcomes, guarantees, and over-complicates and holds on to energy from the past, and projects fear and complications and strategies into the future..

      Surrender into the work – and you will see the miracle unfold.

      Mel xo

  15. Hi Mel, what an insightful and thought-provoking article! I am always awed by your ability to explain deep issues clearly and logically.

    I understand and agree totally that “within the greatest of darkness is unlocked the greatest of light”- that all our wounds, once healed, have the potential to transform us to be the best of ourselves.

    As I am taking steps to help myself heal my wounds, I have a few questions:
    1. How did you go about healing your wounds, transforming darkness into such immense light? Beyond accepting that those wounds are ours and we have to take responsibility for it, what steps did you take to help yourself out of the wounds?

    I used to take full responsibility for my wounds, and see myself as a fully active agent contributing to any situation. However, that seem to be exploited by my perpetuators of abuse to get away and continue their acts in other ways as they were not held responsible. I am unable as yet to find the balance in taking personal responsibility for my situation and defending my stance in front of abusers.

    2. Even if we were to delve inwards for healing, we would probably need to stop the events that trigger our wounds (e.g. verbal or physical abuse) from repeating in the outer world as it is unhealthy to constantly face them. What if those events are unavoidable at least in the short term, e.g. abuse from coworkers in our daily lives? How would you advise us to proceed under such instances?

    Thank you for your sharings, you have been immensely helpful for us narc abuse survivors and giving us so much strength!

    1. Hi Candice,

      Sure happy to answer your questions.

      1) After years of searching and working and efforting to find ‘the way’ I created Quanta Freedom Healing, that is the process I use on myself and other people – and it is the Healing MP3s in the NARP Program.

      This is the most effective, fast and powerful method I know of.

      The truth is ‘the abusers’ are your wounds – which means that the only true solution is detaching – pulling away completely and healing your wounds…

      Then the pattern stops…

      If you try to fight the perpetrators with the still existing wounds they only belt you up with them…

      (There is NO way out of that – as life has shown you time and time again..)

      2) When you have up-levelled the wounds you will a) not attract them nearly as much and b) have a completely different reaction to them…In other words you will DO really, calm, healthy boundaries…naturally..

      And then eventually you simply will not be generating any of ‘that’ wound which you have healed – it is an energetic impossibility when you have evolved yourself..

      All of this means there is only one thing to do – get on to evolving the wounds…

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Mel,

        Thanks for your patient and thoughtful explanation! And thank you for crystalising your healing process into the NARP programme- I shall check it out!

        I like what you mention about “energetic impossibility”- it is really our current energy state that attracts certain circumstances into our lives! This is such a timely share. I have been in a very down state and unable to focus at work- my boss is often giving me abusive vibes and unfair treatment, not to the extent of narc abuse but transmitting very negative energies. Being unable to recover from the negativity, it traps me in a vicious cycle of getting even further embroiled into the pain. I recognise that I ought to start on evolving any wounds to get myself out of the rut.

        Thank you Mel for your enlightening share. I really appreciate all the dedication you have made to help us in this community.

        xoxo Candice

  16. I am so glad I found your videos, website, and NARP program. I am in such a different place than I was before, and the joy of feeling my spirit again and enjoying my life, after feeling like I didn’t have one, is amazing. I no longer feel powerless and I truly understand the value of self-actualization now.

  17. Excellent, excellent article-as usual! I started your NARP program and just from 1 shift in module one, I can’t believe how I have already transformed my soul. I have reacted soooo differently to some recent situations and have this confidence and clarity like I never had before. Everything you said in this piece rings true for me, but nothing more than knowing our wounds and carrying them around still puts out that negative shadow into the world and our lives. We can be free of all of this past pain, but we must own our pain and take total responsibility for it, otherwise it will always exist. Thank you for your gifts!

    1. Hi Sherri,

      Thank you!

      I am so pleased you have found the immediate relief when you started shifting..

      I just so, so wish others do take the step, and find the way to authentically shift – because it is the difference between struggling and walking on a direct path..

      It changes everything…

      So pleased you are now on this path.

      Mel xo

  18. Hi Mel, Great Article,

    What does this statement mean, can you please elaborate,

    “I think of this ‘shadow system’ as incredible spiritual proof, a wonderful confirmation of a loving, higher order – that gives purpose to our very existence, and to all of humanity.”

    1. Hi Catherine,

      what I mean by that is the self-organising principle which is LOVING…

      Everything in Life is backing our evolution and the co-creation of our freedom by reflecting back what it is we need to heal to release ourselves.

      Mel xo

  19. Hello Melanie,

    An extraordinary and interesting article, so much potential within it, I recently left a narcissist but I am also beginning to realise that the patterns of my entire adult life have been guided by wounds from childhood, of which there are many, I have felt unable to engage with the shadow as it has always seemed too powerful, so much bigger, too much of it, etc, bit by bit I am beginning to inhabit myself, I have felt empty for so long and the last five years of narcissistic abuse have brought me to a point of no longer being able to ignore my desire for approval, getting it right, denying my own shadow life, denying the depth of my own wounds, I have a long way to go and the shadows are still beating me on many days but I am seeking out light & practical ways to heal who I am, it has seemed an impossibility but I believe we are all more than what we have ever been taught about ourselves or what we can achieve, in my mind, self-acceptance, happiness and being able to engage with ownership of my own wounds and release them so I can be lighter and healthier (they have made me ill for twenty years) well. I am sure you know what I mean. Thanks for the insights, all best thoughts to you!

    1. Hi Jenni,

      I agree that the shadows can feel too immense, huge and as if they will annihilate us..

      And that is why it can feel like we will literally ‘die’ if we collapse into them..

      The real deal is NOT to surrender into them and drown in them – which can be very easy to do.

      Hence why I found and created a process where we do fully claim them and then in the same process ‘shift’ them, we release them out of our body – so we don’t have to stay stuck in them and be taken over by them.

      That is why the Quanta Freedom Healing process is so effective and supportive in meeting and up-levelling these wounds.

      That way we start releasing them very powerfully and quickly – and they cease to have power over us.

      We are more than that – and we now have access to authentic power and specific tools to directly ‘change’ ourselves – tools that are far superior to the ‘old’ way around..

      You are very welcome Jenni, and thank you for your lovely blessing.

      Mel xo

  20. Mel,

    This is incredible and so deeply healing and true. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.. just in reading through this post, I feel much lighter as I have a notepad and pen and am writing down what shadows I think I may have (from the past relationships as well as other life experiences) and it’s amazing how simple and effective your suggestion is. It will take some practice to go back and remind myself that I must own my own feelings each time I am triggered and confront it and take care of it to release it and stop feeling so crippled just as you described. I don’t know how you are able to express this so perfectly well in words as if you experience exactly precisely the same thing as I do, as we all do. Your talents are a blessing for us that are trying to heal and willing to put in some work on ourselves to be more highly functioning, happy individuals who can open up to others but more importantly begin (again) giving positive light and love unto others as we feel more complete and secure in life ourselves.

    Thank you so much. This post, as well as your others, have been an incredible help to my self-growth, improvement and path towards recovery and building myself into an even stronger person than I was before the narcissistic relationship!

    1. Hi Lindsay,

      I am so glad this resonated with you.

      Yes! True healing is ridiculously simple. The old confusion really takes us ‘to Africa and back’ rather than just allowing us to walk straight across the street..

      You totally feel and know the truth – that it IS our potential to be more actualised, healed and whole as a result of what happened to us, then we ever had access to before this happened.

      That’s the truth!

      Mel xo

  21. It’s an interesting topic indeed. If you think about it, the narcissist is actually an EXACT match for every wound that we carry. Think about how powerful that means we are as creaters? If we could attract a person that carries the same inner wounds as us, imagine what we could do with the contrary if we released the wounds? No one could touch you. You would be too evoloved for most human conditioning. It’s a simple concept, but overwhelming to truly understand. A powerful sentiment.

    1. Hi GA,

      I agree totally we are magnificently powerful – we are always creating incredible validity of ourselves..

      This just means ‘what are we creating’?

      Yes, when we up-level ourselves, the incredible versions of life and people we attract is unlimited and spectacular..

      Illuminating and true understanding GA!

      Mel xo

  22. Emerging from the extreme pain of my last ( final) narcissistic relationship which brought me to my knees and felt like I was literally dying…. In the emergence and through looking deeply within to see my own dance with narcissism and seeing my desperate neediness for love from this archetype ( back to my father) I have been reborn…. And it’s strangely abstract because I only felt alive through getting fixes from the outside. It’s truly like knowing myself for the first time. Much has changed and I’m grateful to spend the rest of my life on this enlightened quest. Understanding Narcissism has been the key to bring me home to myself. I’m in the driving seat now. Melanie’s blog is so intelligently written and real and she is rare because she isn’t lofty even though she writes with transcendent consciousness. Every time I read her work I grow a deeper understanding of something I’ve thought I already knew. She’s a light worker in this world.

    1. Hi Lee,

      it so is like that, absolutely – it feels like we are dying…

      That was wonderful that you used the ‘death’ experience (the culmination of the old fearful ways) to go within and seek your re-birth.

      What you have expressed is one of the most powerful fundamental truths for all of us – we were sourcing our power and life through a False Source, a False Self – which delivered the horrific pain of discovering how self-defeating and anti-life that is.

      This of course forces us to our knees, where we have two choices – keep that up – addiction, victimisation, ongoing traumatisation – or the letting go and the sorting out becoming a true Source to ourselves.

      Which is our true life quest…

      I am so glad I am bringing light for you Lee.

      Mel xo

  23. Hi Mel,

    such an amazing article! As I was reading it, I was thinking about my own biggest shadows- “I will be replaced by another woman who is better than me”, ” The man I love will lose his interest and abandon me for another woman”.

    I’ve been trying to release them with different Modules on NARP. The charge is certainly less than it was initially, but I can’t say that I shifted it permanently.

    Which specific Module would work the best to release these particular beliefs?

    Thank you!
    Olga xxx

    1. Hi Olga,

      gorgeous that this brought some powerful self-reflection up for you..

      And that you are orientated to up-levelling facing it and transforming it.

      Ok, I can help you with that…

      I would use the goal-setting Module in NARP. Set up the goal “I am loved, accepted and committed to for Who I Am at soul level.”

      Ok then when feeling into the resistance you will go to the wounds you have named.

      What is really, really important is that you surrender into the painful emotions of these wounds…the most vulnerable hurt parts to do with rejection, abandonment, replacement etc.

      What I sense is that you have some very deep survival DNA on it…(as many women do)…

      I want you to track it through systematically, as your body directs, but be very aware you are going to hit some very powerful, ancient and painful wounds to do with “If I am replaced I can’t survive” etc. etc..

      Don’t go to that straight away, follow it through and down into your body, as your body releases and allows you to these ‘bottom’ wounds..

      When you get to the bottom of it, it will be big, you need to feel it profoundly – keep your body open, breathe and follow the process through for the release and you will nail it and up-level it totally…

      The relief will be astounding – you will feel it somatically through every cell in your body – like a huge opening up…

      And ‘those’ will be gone…

      Whenever we have something ‘persistent’ that we have improved but not fully released, there is a big DNA survival program we haven’t reached yet…

      When you nail it – then it’s gone..

      If you are prepared to really surrender in and really track through and open up to find this – and deeply feel in – it should only take you 2 – 3 rounds of the goal setting MP3 max to completely heal it.

      I hope this helps..

      Mel xo

      1. Mel,

        one more question regarding tracing the energy- I feel the energy as a hot wave, burning my entire body, when I have a thought of being replaced by another woman/being worse than her.
        I feel as i
        t starts down at my toes, literally and burns everything. Is it possible? Do I start from there and spiral up?

        Thank you so much,
        you are amazing.

        Olga

        1. Opps soz Olga missed this!

          Ok so, the process is ..yep you are feeling it in multiple places (which is fine) then take your attention inwards to these places (as a whole) and then…the questions “How old is this part of me?” allow your intuition to supply the answer – and be open to ANY answer…I don’t want to pre-empt you (you need to listen to YOUR answer)…but don’t be surprised if the answer is very young – or even ‘ancient’…

          Then ask “what is this about?” – and allow any ‘vision’ that comes (if it does), but be really orientated towards a deep surrender (with body open NOT contracted) to claim the vulnerable feelings….

          In the minute connect deeply to them, name them, write them down – that way you really ‘capture’ them…

          (The event / vision is not necessary – its the emotions that are crucial to name and claim).

          Examples are ‘terror, annihilation…’ Allow yourself to really feel and name the worst feelings you can get…

          If you really hit them – you’ll feel it as a huge OMG – and something this big should have you in tears of pain – so just breathe and make sure you keep your body open…

          That way the process can pull as much of the junk out of your energy matrix as possible from all three levels (past time line, pain body and generational DNA) and then keep breathing and keep your body as open as you can in the release.

          If you do that the release will be HUGE…and the relief indescribable…

          It may take you a few shifts to find and really clean up everything connected to it, and just follow the same process…you will find each shift will change to the ‘next thing’…

          SO be really open to ‘what is this about now?’ – trust EXACTLY what you are given… we sooo find things we had no idea consciously existed…but of course make SO much sense!

          Go get it girl!

          Mel xo

  24. Mel,

    THANK YOU! I FEEL it is going to work the way you describe it. Yes, it is DNA, totally- I first felt it deeply when I was 8 years old- my mom discovered my dad’s affair. I felt annihilated. I still do every time I think about it.
    And I’ve experienced it with every partner that I had.

    I haven’t tried it in a goal setting Module, but in every other Module, whenever I would feel the pain of being replaced it would be 10/10- totally crippling. Like I can’t survive- absolutely!

    Mel, you’ve just nailed it! OMG, I already sense the relief I am going to experience . It is the BIGGEST shadow, most crippling ad humiliating one for me.

    THANK YOU!!!!

    1. Hi Olga,

      you are so welcome..

      This one goes way back even before your childhood Olga – I promise you…

      At the very, very least it is ancestral DNA you have inherited..

      Yes freedom is only a few short shifts away..

      How exciting – Yay!!

      Please report how it goes 🙂

      Mel xo

  25. Hi…me once again. He betrayed (again) on my birthday. I had asked only for 24 hours of kindness and 4am the morning of my birthday he raged, I left and when I looked into his eyes before driving away…I knew something was different this time. It has been 3 weeks, I have not spoken to him but , of course, he is emailing, dropping things by my home uninvited and professing love. I’m not going back, and I’m doing no contact (though I have replied in anger to a few of the emails–trying to make it clear that it was over– but I fear he is only going to pursue harder.
    I hope he finds a new person soon as I know that is my best hope, but what do I do about the emails and dropping by (though I do not answer). I’m afraid a restraining order will only trigger escalated drama and affect my family in a negative way …remember, I have kept him away frommy kids, family, job, etc. I’ve basically been leading two lives for five years!

    What should I expect, how should I handle things, what is best now….now that I am finally (mostly) emotionally free ( due to emotional annihilation really) but he is going to hold on and push every button, every threat,every tactic…I know it’s coming. I’m just not sure how bad….I want to be as prepared and protective of my family as possible.

    It’s different this time….painful, but not crying for the same reasons as before. Crying more for my naïveté and trusting/loving a fake, a con, a manipulator…realizing my reality was really a five year farce. A complete lie…he says it’s not so, but his actions show the truth that I couldn’t see before.

    Does he believe he loved me, does he believe what he’s saying now…is there some magical words to make him go away? Challenging, threatening…he loves that — I need something that will make him feel that he controlled it and that it is he who really wants no contact. I need reverse psychology, but how do you do that with master manipulator a?

    Your words, your advice, your website…..I just want to say thank you. It’s hard to explain the feeling when the fog lifts, the blinders come off…it’s freedom and pain all at once.

    1. Hi KC,

      you say you are mostly emotionally free?

      KC where you could really start here, feel deeply inside yourself sit with a pen and pad, and ask yourself “What unhealed parts in me are co-creating this drama?”

      That would be the first step in taking some power back..

      Your fog hasn’t started to lift at all until you do that.

      And you haven’t accessed freedom yet – you are still enmeshed in the drama with the parts of you that you haven’t taken responsibility for yet.

      And nothing I write or say can help you until you come into your body and self-reflect.

      Mel xo

  26. I suppose I’ve done that (mentally) to some extent. I have memories of childhood …lots of feelings of abandonment from father, sister and even my mom though she wasn’t cruel…she was going through nod from my dad. My father was ill last year and I took care of him. He passed away in January…I think the combination of so many things, stress, abuse from narc fb, feeling betrayed still by sister in ways ….I do feel I’ve at least engaged the childhood patterns of me trying to keep the peace and be what everyone needed to “fix” it all….but always coming up short. I’m sure there is much still to do, but at this point I just want to stay strong and make him stop. I’ve blocked his number, and he has called from others so I don’t answer unrecognized #’s, I don’t answer the door but am very bothered that he is bold enough to come to my home and leave stuff here???and the constant emails. How long will he do this?
    Do I need to worry that he will rage or be vindictive with the continued no response? That is why I was hoping someone might have words or something that makes the narc feel in control of the no contact. I just want this to end and have my life back completely

  27. This is never going to end is it. Even no contact…this nightmare is never going away is it Melanie? I was feeling so positive to let you know that I had broken free….but I’m still not. He is the devil and I let him in.

    1. Hi KC,

      I remember with first narc, I thought he was a terminator and it wasn’t going to end…

      However as soon as I put my focus fully into healing my inner being it did..

      You won’t break free until you do the inner work and commit to it…

      And hopefully you make that choice before there is barely anything psychologically left of you..

      KC there is no solution while in the inner wounding, because you are trying to wrestle with your shadows – which are hell bent in getting you to wake up to inside of you…

      When you heal the fears he cannot be ‘that’ fear in your experience…

      It being this bad, and if you want to heal – why aren’t you on NARP?

      Mel xo

  28. Thanks for trying to help me. I cry now over childhood wounds, I cry over guilt for losing five years, I cry for bringing this evil into my life, I cry for not being emotionally mature enough to fix anything…not even myself. My best hope is to pray for protection and wisdom. I appreciate the advice you have given, I wish I was a better student…clearly I guess something from my posts lets you see that I haven’t accessed whatever part of me that the others on this site have been able to heal.
    I don’t know why–I just know I’ve tried. I won’t waste the space writing, and will do my best to get to the place you’ve advised I have to go. There is no therapist that can get me there (as I’m sure you know); no one, except me and maybe I just can’t ….but I will keep trying. My motivation is protecting my family from …everything.

    Thanks again — goodbye

    1. HI KC,

      NARP is your way to find the wounds and release them all one by one..

      Hun being a student truly is that deeper committed level..

      KC if you can’t afford NARP – I will sponsor you personally – right now…

      And I will personally mentor you through it for free…

      Then I know you are for real and you want a way out to heal…

      No-one can help you unless you help yourself – and now the decision is yours..

      If not take care and bless…

      Mel xo

  29. I don’t know why I haven’t–I’ve come close many times, but …I guess I was skeptical that anything could help, didn’t think I had time to do it with so much already on my plate, scared of what might come out, anger that I may not be able to keep inside toward my family (not my children, but my family as a child, I don’t like to blame, shame or guilt others….I fear a lot is going to come up…trying to figure out why I attract NPD’s makes a lot of stuff come back that I had forgotten or looked at differently before. There is risk in recovery too.
    It is 3am here though and I am so emotional that I physically hurt in my chest. My mind is never free, and Focusing is near impossible. So, I will buy the program tomorrow. I will try; I want improvement and for this turmoil to stop. I do want to heal…I will try. I’ll contact with questions after I begin.
    Thanks for your kindness.

    1. Hi KC,

      you are very welcome, and it’s wonderful that you are going to take that step..

      I will be here helping you…together and with the wonderful NARP Forum, you are going to do this…

      Mel xo

      1. I just did module 1 and it was hard and I felt the pain, the release, and all of it. Then about 90 mins in I started having trouble focusing…my N kept coming into my mind. Even when I was trying to focus and imagine the light…especially then…he was in my head. I was so scared that I was going to accidentally get him caught in my healing if that makes sense. I paused, got a drink of water and then tried to finish. I just knew to check my email and sure enough he had messages with an apology “song” he’s used before and saying love me. I hadn’t heard anything in a few days ….did he feel what was happening? How did he get I to my head, how did I know he was there? It’s kind of freaking me out…what do I do? I did feel the energy (good and bad) …,and then he came….that is crazy. Is this normal? This literally just happened within the past 30 minutes.
        Sorry for any rumblings or typos…I’m kind of unsettled right now.

        1. I checked my email after taking the water break (which his email must have been sent right when he was in my thoughts)…I didn’t check my email until I completed the module, which was only a few minutes more. Was it all coincidence or do you think he felt what was happening? It was so emotional for me….maybe it was just coincidence. What do you think?

          1. Hi KC,

            This is intense for you…and I am so pleased you have taken the step and you have got started…

            Ok this is where you need to take your power back and be brave. We don’t want to focus on his energy, because that just feeds him power…

            Light is more powerful than darkness always and you just need to keep your focus on working on yourself – because that is ‘the light’.

            Use the ‘vision of him and connection to him’ as the charge in the next healing…because ignoring it isn’t the answer.

            Drop into the charge of it – where is it in your body – what age intuitively do you get…what is it about – and really claim your fearful, hurt vulnerable feelings and then shift them out…

            That is how you will defeat this…

            Removing every inner part of you that is connected…

            Stand up hun, focus on you – and let me know how that goes.

            Hugs and strength.

            Mel xo

    2. KC darling, I’m a single mother of Miss 8 and 4 years ago i had nothing but my credit card left and took Mel’s hand. I was desperate to feel safe, to feel free, to stop the insanity. Absolutely desperate. It is TOTALLY WORTH EVERY SINGLE BEATING HEART BEAT to work with Mel and Narp. It works immediately and I had total of 7 years of counseling from various therapists from the first time i met the ex Narc to just before I had my first session with Mel. The nightmares stopped after starting with Mel. Nothing else stopped them, nothing else stopped the panic, the anxiety, the pain. Please I’m begging you for You, Do NARP and HEAL darling.
      With all the Love in my Heart
      xx

      1. Thank you for posting to me; it is kind of you to share to try to boost a total stranger. I am trying, I am still on module 1. A stranger recently verbally attacked me and physically intimidated me for absolutely no reason in a crowded venue…I was immediately protected by other kind people and he was also removed from the venue, but it was my first trigger after beginning no contact. I had to leave immediately following (my friend was there with her fiancé – they understood me leaving and feel bad that I can’t seem to go anywhere without completely unprovoked “drama” of some sort happening…always. This last one was the worst…he reminded me so much of my N, his rage, his eyes, his attack…I had to go home, and I was a nervous wreck for hours.
        Yesterday, I planned to meet a friend out with her friends for dinner/happy hour…and it was excited to go, but then had a near (it was close to full blown) panic attack and I couldn’t go. I was too afraid I’d see him, or someone he knew who would report back to him.
        There are times that I feel confident and then will suddenly have extreme anxiety – worse than when I was actually with the N! I accept that it is an energy battle of some sort, and hope I will someday recover.

        I have a couple of friends left, but one…not sure if I completely trust anymore and I don’t know why, and the other simply does not understand, and gets angry at me for not just moving on, posting my life updates on social media, etc. she is trying to control me too though her intentions,I believe, are good…she simply does not understand or even believe that I am dealing with a sociopath who does not care about boundaries and literally ( as he has multiple restraining orders…even from his own adult child), no job, no responsibility…he literally has nothing to lose. That gives him a lot of power because he simply doesn’t care.

        I will never go back to hi though I struggle with believing he never felt any love for me – it’s the only thing I ever asked for from him and he lied, used, manipulated, and broke me…and I accept, though he’s never said it, I accept he never loved me–his actions prove that.

        This is truly a recovery and a pain that has to be done alone. No one in my circle has a clue of what I’ve been through, what I’m still dealing with through daily emails that cannot be stopped, and the journey to recovery that I fear is going to be painful, difficult, and slow….but at least I still somehow have hope that I will get through this. There are many, many things that are already greatly improving in my work and family life….so, I will get to the other side of this someday.
        KC

        1. Hi KC,

          you are welcome.

          That is great that you are working Module 1, and sticking at it…great job..

          What you will find is that it is going to be of great benefit to incubate some, really focus on healing and really work on getting your ‘inside’ state healthy and strong..

          Then you will find it much easier to ‘come out’ and you will find these events simply won’t be happening in your experience..

          If you stick at this – yes KC you will recover, truly.

          Keep shifting out ‘what hurts’ and you will find the things about him that hurt so much, in the future piece by piece will have no emotional charge.

          It truly is the most courageous thing we will ever do – meet OURSELVES….and also the most powerful and valuable thing we can ever do for ourselves…because it is the only way we can ever have authentic happiness and freedom..

          I believe you will make it KC – absolutely.

          Please know you can with NARP support email me direct for support if you wish…

          It would also be a lovely idea for you to join the NARP Members Forum – there are many wonderful people in there who can also assist, support and encourage you.

          I’m so proud of you for taking this giant step..

          Mel xo

  30. Hi Melanie, another amazing and relevant article. Resonates greatly at this time – Thank you! xxx

  31. Melanie, This article was so good for me. I’m doing fabulous now without the ex in my life, I’m maintaining no contact. My life is expanding. I’m full of joy and happiness. I’m manifesting financially again. I just have one piece left. I had to leave his property with nothing except my dogs and horses. I couldn’t take the cats. The cats are a long story, but they were a momma cat he wanted to rescue and kittens. My friend gave me the money to spay them all, because of course he had every excuse in the book not to give me the money to get it done and of course he had control of the finances at the time. And they are ranch cats, and have always been on his property. For some reason I feel if he falls apart, they are my responsibility even though he has taken care of them for 2 years and I have no way of caring for them and they were his idea to begin with…I still feel so bad about emotionally about leaving them, but I left with nothing and brought with me all of my animals and didn’t leave one there. Why, do I still feel this way. My therapist said they are his and that’s that and do not contact him even about the cats and their care. I still have this shadow hanging over me. Other than that Life is Beautiful and I feel so good about everything. Thanks Melanie for helping me on this journey and getting me back on track with my LIFE…

    1. Hi Regina,

      I am so pleased your life is expanding! That is wonderful…

      In regard to ‘anything’ that hurts the QFH process is so powerful to release and shift anything that is emotionally painful (up-level it)…do you have any of the Programs?

      You do need to find a way to let go of your concern for the cats…

      You are very welcome Regina!

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks Melanie:)
        Since I’m in No Contact and have no feelings or anxiety, pain, anger, sorrow, or guilt over leaving the ex or towards him…just concern for the animals that I couldn’t take with me…what program would be best for me?

        1. Hi Regina,

          I would do Empowered Self because you have come so far on your own…however there are so many aspects of that Course that will expand you forward in so many areas of your life.

          Also I will send you the Goal Setting Module from NARP – which is so multi-functional.

          Mel xo

        2. Thanks Melanie! I’ll order soon:):):) Looking forward to more healing and expanding light

  32. Just a suggestion: I think it would be great for you to have a donation button on your blog pages for those of us who have valued your work and made changes in our life and are now financially stable to show are gratitude…
    xoxo

    1. Hi Regina,

      There is a powerful win-win when people buy any of my Programs, as it not only allows them to change their own life from the inside / out powerfully – it also allows me to be able to do this work as a full time profession, so that I can dedicate the energy and effort to it that I do.

      That is the energy exchange that makes all of this possible…

      Mel xo

  33. Thanks so much Melanie. This relates so much to me, as i have recently taken the decision to move further away from my narc ‘mother’. I’m saying farewell to the shadows of guilt and fear of her drama. Setting boundaries with no shadows. I just did the shift. Yay! Much love Mel. XXXXX

  34. Hi Melanie.

    NARP is truely helping me shift out negatively and fear. It also uplevels awareness which greatly assists in avoiding the narcs tricky traps and not feeling those triggers. Yeh! I still have many shifts to do as I now see this is a journey of ME. No one else. And it will take time to undo the embedded rubbish.

    I’ve had several ah ha moments…some good…some not so good… but as soon as I shift the bad ones out I feel SO much better. Thank you for developing this program.

    1. Hi Raeanne,

      I am so pleased NARP is helping shift you.

      You have named it perfectly ‘as soon as I shift the bad ones out I feel SO much better.’

      All realisations are good ESPECIALLY the ‘not so good’.

      We can see that our negative tendency as humans is to try to avoid the bad feelings – which then of course grants them power to keep projecting into our life.

      They are like weeds that have never been pulled that take over the garden!!

      It’s great that you are pulling out those ‘shadow weeds’ and reaping your freedom!

      Keep going 🙂

      Mel xo

  35. I love to read your articles. They are brilliant. Claiming and releasing is something I’m working on and it doesn’t seem to be working very well. I’m not sure why. Any suggestions?

  36. Wow. Just had to check in and thank you for this article! It was one of these that just made so much sense, and the way you, as always, put it all together in a way that’s understandable, not just on a mind level…I could feel my soul saying YES YES YES!

    Thank you Melanie!

    Love in Spirit ~

    Mary Ellen

    1. Hi Mary Ellen,

      I am so glad your soul resonates.

      That is definitely the level I am speaking at…

      Yes, our spirits are undeniably connected, and much love from my spirit to yours too 🙂

      You are so welcome!

      Mel xo

  37. thankyou for this teaching Melanie.
    It touched me so as to know this is true.
    I cant wait to begin to do this work
    love you Mel
    Anna

  38. It took me a month before I was ready to read your shadow blog. Wonder why….
    In the last 15 or so years I have been led to many painful memories of past lives. And I asked the question why I now needed to know, even tho I was not particularly interested. ….so you may understand why this lifetime is particularly challenging!
    And then I realised that my N was triggering every single one of the traumas in the previous lives, even in physical detail. What about getting hit by your shadows’ urgings… What a soul gift by the N to bring the brilliant light to rebirth.
    Thank you, Mel for helping to piece together part of this quest and including the tools for the solutions as a gift.
    Love you and all who offer their encouragement
    Ursula

  39. Spot on Mel! This one really resonated with me. I’ve been in a ‘funk’ for the past few days. It’s been really hard to accept I’ve been dancing with the devil the whole time. I know you can’t fight darkness with more darkness. It’s time to focus on my inner love and let my inner light shine through. Thank you for the refocus.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Mark

  40. Great article. I like the descriptions of how you processed the shadow and then the outcomes.
    What happens when the shadow comes from a place of witness but no cognition. I was 2 when i saw something so traumatic it has the dominant place of response in my life especially in the area of trust. I imagine regression therapy might bring some things to light.
    Thanks again… I just read the Anatomy of Spirit by Carolyn Myss and you are on the same page. Calling your spirit back from wherever it’s been drained.
    Thanks again.
    Jane

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