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So many people ask me after leaving the narcissist and beginning No Contact, “When is the pain going to end?”

This is a universal question, and one that defies all logic.

You see, it isn’t normal. If it were normal, after escaping horrific abuse, you would feel relief.

But nothing could be further from the truth.

There are so many addictive aspects of being tied up in narcissistic abuse, which you can read about in my article Trauma Bonding – Is it Love or Something Else? By reading this article you will realise that your body has to literally detoxify the addiction to the narcissist, the pain, and the addiction in trying to receive normality from insanity.

So back to the question “When is the pain going to stop?”

The answer: The pain will ease when you start regaining yourself.

Let me lay out for you in steps the way to do this.

 

Step 1: Get Clear on What a Narcissist is.

By doing so, you can start to realise that the person who was your partner is not a person who you can have a healthy love relationship with.

At this point – this is going to be a mental decision, it is very true that your entire cellular addiction (your emotions) want to ‘find a way’ to justify, to try, to fix and to hang on.

The fact is you can’t – and this is why you have to get very clear, so that you know the direction that you need to take yourself – which is forward and out of this relationship.

 

Step 2: Establish Your Part in This.

This is in no way suggesting ‘blame’. This is about understanding that you lost yourself, that you were holding the narcissist responsible for your wellbeing, and that you allowed the abuse to insidiously tear down your emotions and your life – whilst you were hanging in there trying to create sanity out of insanity.

You need to make it a mission to understand WHY?

This step is ESSENTIAL.

If you continue to be the victim and keep the focus on ‘what the narcissist did to me’ without you turning your focus into yourself – then the pain is NOT going to cease!

At this point – your pondering and investigation of self is going to pull your focus away from the pain of ‘what happened to you’.

In fact as soon as you start putting your focus on yourself, it is like taking your burning hand away from the flame. Yes it will still smoulder, but the intense agony is relieved. And the existing burn can start to heal. If you keep focused on ‘what the narcissist did’, without turning your focus inward, the burn just gets worse and worse.

 

Step 3: Take Your Focus off Researching the ‘Monster’ and Put All Your Effort Into Healing Yourself.

Okay so now, this is where you have to get down to business, and this business is about healing yourself. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous – “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. This especially applies to recovery from narcissistic abuse.

This is not a case of ‘time heals all wounds’. The wounds are so severe that they need your diligent attention in order to recover.

I always advocate that body work is the best solution. If you feel like you can’t do it alone, my suggestions are the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (it can be trialed for free) or book a 1-on-1 Quanta Freedom Healing. These solutions will grant you cellular relief from the addiction. Then in the meantime bring as much awareness into your being and real life experience so that you can apply a different way regarding the co-dependency, childhood programming and lack of adequate boundaries that led you to being abused by a narcissist.

Stop reading everything you can about a narcissist only. Reading about and understanding narcissism is okay, as long as the majority of your attention is placed on you healing you!

It is complete fallacy that the more you know about the narcissist (without working on yourself), the safer you will be in the future regarding NOT having another one in your life.

No!

The more focus you have on narcissists, the more likely you are to attract one, and keep yourself separated from non-narcissists.

This is an unavoidable energetic reality of Law of Attraction. Which is: What you focus your energy on is what you will attract.

Your goal is to create yourself to a vibration of truth, empowerment, love and freedom with great boundary function, and then you will no longer be a vibrational match for a narcissist.

 

The Purpose of the 3 Steps

If you do these steps you will reach acceptance (the real key ingredient necessary to heal) so much easier.

Do you know how we recover from painful relationship endings? The answer truly is:

I have accepted that this was not meant to work out as a true love relationship, and was in fact an experience I co-created with another individual so that I could evolve and heal.

It is your goal to reach this point, and if you focus hard on committing to these three steps you will get there quicker that what you could ever imagine.

Then you haven’t just gone through this experience, you have grown through it.

When you grow through it then you have graduated to a level where you will never have to experience the same experience again. You will reach a higher level…

 

I Know How It Feels

I promise you I am a girl! I know how easy it can be to feel sentimental, to miss someone, to pine for them back in your life, and to go to the old wonderful memories. I’ve done it all myself – truly I have.

I know what it is like to grant someone another chance, and then another and another – in the hope that I can have this person as the love of my life.

I know what it is like to hear through other people that this person loves you, and misses you – and how easy it is to be ‘hoovered’ back into a relationship, or how when trying to move on, and comparing what you miss about this person, feeling intensely that you want to go back to them.

I’ve been there, and felt and done all of those things.

But really this was before I had committed to these 3 steps.

When I wasn’t using these steps, I was not building up solidity within myself, and I wasn’t getting stronger and better. I was in fact feeling the powerless feelings “I need you to love me, miss me and want me back”.

Whereas when I embraced these 3 steps I became “I love myself, I need my own energy, and I am determined to heal me and come back”.

There is a massive difference…I hope this article has given you some insight and knowledge to help you maintain no contact, and recover for good!

Truly, it is up to you.

I’d love to hear where you are up to with these steps in the comments below.

 

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82 thoughts on “When Is The Pain Going To End?

  1. Thank you so much for your supportive emails and kind words. I am still struggling after 20 months to get the narc out of my head. I still dream about him even though I am starting another relationship. I have those exact thoughts I need him to love me, miss me and want me back and I hate that I am still thinking like that. He has had a caveat on my house for over 12 months and we have had lawyers involved but I haven’t heard anything from them for 3 months now. He has moved on a couple of times with other men’s wives. I would just love the dreams to stop. I dream he is walking away from me and I am standing watching him and wanting him to come back just as I did so many times when we were together. He still has a hold on me and I need closure. thank you just typing this out helps.
    Kind Regards
    Maryanne.

    1. It’s only been 2weeks since it ended. I can’t stop thinking of him every minute. I vision him showing up and want him to save me. I am the sick one, he is bad for me. Just get him out of my head, I’m going crazy. Thanks for helping me.

    2. I have broken up with my ex narc by 10 months ago due to psyhsical abuse and reported him to the police as well. I dont know what is happening to me i am so tired and depressed. I keep playing d words he used to tell me in my mind..i am good for nothing..noone wants me..if he leave me i will be alone..i am now believing what he told me as what he said has become a reality. I had an abusive childhood and in the beginning my ex said he would help and that i was the woman of his life. He even warned me that he was not nice to his previous gfs and said they might try to warn me about the way he acted with them and said that his relationship with me was totally different. He was not going to cheat like he did with the rest. Months and years went by and pages turned. I now became obsessed with him and i never trusted him and caught him sending msgs to women only for him threat he was going to leave and the thought of being on my own made me beg him to stay. He used to call me jealous ad broke up with me 4 times only to come back aftere me begging him to do so. He convinced me i was the wrong one and no matter how much i tried to change it just was never enough and he would leave again. I lost weight and lost myself every single time. Last march we went out and one of his exes tapped him on the back and he did not repl y or look at her so i told him she did that and he blamed me for being jealous so i walked away and he grabbed me by the throught and treathened me and i decided to break up so he promised i was going to pay and we started walking to my car when he hit me and made me take off my colds and swim in front of approx 100 people in d cold. He broke my theet and punched me in my head and legs numerous times. None of the onlookers came to help. I told him we were finished and he would not take it and said he was coming over to my appartment no matter what so he drove after me near bumper to bumper over to my house and i had to sleep with this person who tried to kill me. I could not sleep and called in sick the next day. He went to work and called me 30 times but i never picked up. In d evening i answered and told him to leave me alone i was so angry and he texted me saying this was all my fault for being jealous. I woke up d next day once again with that sick stomach feeling and decided to ask him to talk and fix things. I was so afraid of being lonely again. He came home and acted as if he was breaking up with me and deleted as usual all my pics from his fb and posted a pic saying he is now free. As always he added loads of women to his fb and 2 days after he was with someone new and he is still with her now. I did not file a police report since his mum begged me not to as he has a guarantee with court. He has a court case and will most prob serve 6 yrs in jail. I was going to wait for him!!!!! With this mind game of making me think he left me i felt lost again and alone and empty as if he took my soul with him. Later on we met in a club and he punched me so i filed in a police report but them decided to stick with the restraining order and dropped charges. He called several times with private number but after the court case this all stopped. I am now educating myself re psychopaths as his mum and my psychologist both said he is a psychopath and am shocked and lost. He was cheating on me and worst playing with my mind and i let him do this and worst of all i cant get him out of my mind. This time however i was strong and did not make any contact and removed fb and asked all not to speak to me about him. I am still in pain though and wish this could all pass. I hate my life

  2. Hi Maryanne,

    thank you for posting!

    You are more than welcome re the support…

    What you are describing is so normal – and of course so painful! Truly the necessity is to reclaim yourself, and make that your greatest mission.

    I promise you that if you do commit to the steps that you will start coming out the other side. The rest of your life is far too important for you not to do that!

    You can be another woman who has moved on and is empowered enough to create her great life…and it is great that you realise that you need to do this.

    You can do it! Mel xx

    1. Deat Tonia:
      I have survived 7 months NC…divorce settlement and here I am! So now what? I have come to belive that it is true that people sometimes get so attached to the hurt and the pain…that the moment you start feeling empty you get scared…it is like pain has been defining my life for so long that when it is apparently less and less intense or maybe perhaps starting to heal..it feels empty…and it is scary somehow. I know I’ve been feeling like this lately.
      I dont no know if I am begining to heal…because it is like sometimes,not feeling anything scares my mind and it’s like my ego feels the need to keep feeding the pain.
      I feel less and less the need to cry…in fact Im starting to feel like i run out of tears….. is this a good sing?
      What is wrong with me? what is this feeling?….Please advice

  3. Hi I was with my husband for 12 years. Actually I am still married and going through the divorce process. This was not my choice. I have read some of ur posts Melanie about being discarded and feeling raped in every sense by this person who you believes would not hurt you. Well for me its been more I can believe that there could be someone in the world that could be this evil. Truly evil in every way imagined. I have been through so much and I’m still going through a lot because he is not making the divorce process easy. He said, “I was making this a battle fighting over everything, but the truth is that I had to defend myself somehow. If it had been up to him when I first received the divorce paperwork he filed. He did not want me to have anything. He felt he is entitled to do whatever he wants and so far he has done that. So far I have had no contact with him in 7 months. We have been seperated for a year. He has moved on and I’m pretty sure has brought the women he committed adultery with while he was in tour in Korea back to the states. He moved out of the state where we lived and discarded me like a piece of trash. Well, sometimes I think trash gets treated better than I have. Somehow with gods help only I truly believe that I have been able to keep going to school. I try my hardest to jot think of myself as a victim but honestly that is very hard to do when you feel you have been raped and betrayed by someone you love soo much. I too still dream of him almost every night. Similar to the above post. He is walking away from me or telling me why he doesn’t want to be with me or just horrible constant nightmares. I have those feelings too that I want him back and that he is coming back. I hate that he feels up my dreams and such detailed dreams too. I plan on reading more on your website and I really would like to have a quantum meeting or try the trial offer. I need support through this and have searched and searched and it amazes me still how your posts and messages are always right on. They let me know I’m not alone and for me right now that is very comforting for me to know someone understands this relationship abuse and how many people just don’t know what it all entails. Mary Anne I will be praying for you and just wanted you to know that your post and the comment about your dreams helped me feel brave enough to write what I’m going through too. Thank you for sharing your post…
    Recovering and needing healing heart,
    Deana

  4. I don’t feel like I have any strength left. About a month ago, ex-N confessed by email he never stopped seeing other women throughout our relationship. He decided to tell me because this he now realized this relationship was over for “good.” However, he keeps coming back. At first, I was so close to seeing him again, just to get rid of this agony, even if it was temporary relief like a drug. In the end,I was experiencing tremendous anxiety to see him face to face, so I sabotaged this potential contact in my own way. Instead of telling him to not contact me (which never worked in the past), I just kept relaying all of the emotions tied into his infidelity (not in a blaming way, but just how sad I was) and, as suspected, it worked. He has now retreated into silent treatment mode. For some strange reason, he hasn’t raged at me yet, but maybe I’ve finally chased him away with emotional despair. It almost feels like a relief. Now that I have confirmation he has lied to me the whole time, the thought of seeing him scares me because I know he can look me in the eyes and lie right to my face; I know now our relationship was based on a fallacy. I still yearn for those good times, but I feel like I’ve finally hit bottom and may actually be at a turning point. And, paradoxically, even though I long for his touch, I don’t think I could ever let him touch me again.

    1. I’m so sorry….My soon to be ex-husband told me the same thing that he had cheated on me the whole time we were together. It is a crazy thing to go through feeling of missing them so much, but at the same time sick to your stomach to see them or even talk to them. Once they can lie to you, and lie to you for years right to your face like its nothing. I just know that it is very scary for me to think and wonder what was really real and just how evil that person has been. It hurts even more to think that it was all fake and nothing was real because lying is nothing for them, they are masters at it. I try to think that I have to love myself and remember that I am special. My health for one is very important in keeping free from diseases and I try to remember him telling me, “That he was a bad person because of all the times he had been with other women, and all the times that he could of got me sick.” Who does that, I will never figure that out, and I just try to remember that I am a good person and have a wonderful heart and a conscious. I feel alot of times that I do not have strength either. Kristine, just continue being as strong as you can, rest when needed, and know that you are not alone. Your a wonderful person, and I think that you are protecting yourself and it doesn’t matter that you think you sabotaged your potential contact. I see someone strong, and very smart. Smart enough to know somewhere deep inside that no contact is best right now. Stay strong Kristine, I will be reading what Melanie post back to you. I will be praying for you.
      Recovering and slowly healing heart,
      Deana

  5. Hi Mel

    I think I’ve finally got to this point in my life of acceptance. I no longer get a charge when I receive an email from my nearly ex husband (still not divorced!!). This is the only contact I have with him and it is regarding the sale of our house.

    With my new partner, I am strong enough to speak up when something doesn’t feel right, however small. He is very understanding.
    I am enjoying my new life in Switzerland and am now thankful for all the nasty things that did happen to me, to enable me to come back to myself and move on. I can’t thankyou enough and always recommend yourself and all you have to offer when I see other’s in pain.
    Much love Sandra x

    1. Ok, thank you for responding to me. I will check this blog out……..I hope it helps too.

      I fear though that I read it already, and I guess, I have not been able to absorb this material in a way that will truly help me. I guess I really don’t know what I need to do to even start. I’m going to have to think about this some more, and read this blog again, and again.
      Thank you Mel…..

    2. my narcissist partner whom I had been in a relationship with a for over 14 years died of cancer 10 months ago. It was the worse 12 months of my life. I wish I had the strength to leave him earlier but like many others I kept allowing myself to be pulled back into the relationship with false promises. Once he was diagnosed with cancer I was treated even worse I thought if ever he was going to change that this would be the time but no he got worse. I was portrayed as the biggest monster of course. He was a narcissist with cancer. 12 months of hell which no-one could understand nor would I wish to experience ever again. So much on this site to which I can relate to just wish I had found it sooner. Still trying to move forward. so many people don’t understand. They just judge.

      1. Sandra from May 25, 2012,

        I am currently going through a similar situation only my narc is still alive and in the beginning stages of treatment and he believes he’s dying. First of all, the relationship itself is obviously a mess and I want to leave. This article has helped me and I will be following these steps. However, now I feel awful because he’s dying and making statements like “I’m tired of being alone in this. I’m depressed. You aren’t here for me.” I am currently a single mom and have no time for friends so when I make plans when my kids dad has them with anyone other than him, he flies all over me about it and plays guilt trips and blame. I can’t stand this anymore but I don’t know how to act around him or what to say because now he has cancer. I will feel horrible if I leave him now. He has no job, no home anymore. I have been supporting him (along with my kids). Then again, I already feel miserable when I AM around him. Please reach out to me if you get this. I need someone to talk to about this. Thank you!

  6. I had a dream recently about my narc-ex.

    He and I had entered an old building together and gone down a flight of stairs. We walked into a room with white walls and bright lights. It was crowded, and people were milling about, talking and laughing and some were yelling. There was a unicyclist and a juggler and some video games. I saw a hula hoop. Then I realized my mountain bike was missing. And I turned around to tell my narc-ex love-of-my-life that someone had stolen my bike, and he wasn’t there.

    I woke from that dream thinking the word “abscond.”

    I take this dream to be my brain’s way of processing the narcissists’ strong sense of entitlement. My ex took many of my things with him when he moved out. It was a costly relationship in that very basic material sense.

    The dream is also a metaphor, I think, for his never-being-thereness. A string of lies, abandonments, fake illnesses, and other assorted emotional betrayals that are so obvious to me now but were so confusing to me then. Because, really, who does these things? Who has the time or energy to do such absurdly petty things?

    An acupuncturist, a martial artist, a gamer, a fraud.

    And also a really, really poignant teacher.

  7. Hi Mel, so good to read this article in the time I needed to as the last few days I have been wondering ‘why do I miss my ex partner so much?’ and why do I keep getting flashes of the good times we shared, wanting them back so badly, but deep down knowing it was not real, even if it was for him (his reality) it was not for me. The difficult part in letting go of someone I genuinely loved, and I did love him, is my knowing that he does have a side that is very genuine, generous and thoughtful, which I saw less and less toward the end of the relationship. I thought he was just grieving for the loss of his mother (from abuse) and that it would get better. All he did was use that (still does) to blame on why he treated me so badly. I remember the horrific times of abuse and then the switch to Mr wonderful, in the blink of an eye. So I wondered why (the last few days) do I feel I ‘miss him’! I answered his email again, and was trying so hard not to, but it was just general banter about what he has been up to and he said, ‘he sincerely hopes I am doing ok’ The strange part about him, is there seems to be no change with regard to his development, as his emails and texts are like nothing has happened between us, even though I have tried several times to let him go. I guess he is obsessed and due to the ‘disorder’ can’t evolve and move on. Have joined a social network and have felt my ‘light return’ as shifting my energy to my passion for art and meeting my family from around the world, I never knew before. So I know I am heeling and have strong positive energy. Also getting great feedback from other people and I know I am coming home to me 🙂 Thanks for your wonderful articles and for you just being you 🙂

  8. Hi Melanie
    I am separated and my ex has been using the children to continue to abuse me as there is a protection order in place against him. He tells them to come home to me and tell me they don’t want to live with me. He tells them I am irresponsible and a myriad of other horrible things that are lies. He is turning my children against me to hurt me. I am still being abused despite NO CONTACT. not to mention the emotional damage to my children.

  9. one more add on…Acceptance is very important, one of the most important aspects of moving forward and healing as, now that I am really accepting there is no chance we will ever be together again and accepting he is who he is etc. I have felt a lift of tension and don’t think about him as much. He may have a nice side and would do anything for anyone (that is what he used to do) but the relationship was not right for me. Every time he did something for me, and I mentioned an issue we were having (lets talk about it, or I need to talk to you) he would say, ‘I do so much for you, so why are you giving me such a hard time’ I knew it was a way to justify the abuse. The addiction is very strong to these people and I do accept that ‘they will never change’ unless they are healthy within themselves first. I have been promised this and that, one being ‘I will do anything to get us through this’ but I have seen no change or commitment from him. To get ‘missing him’ out of our minds, we really do need to do the work. I have started and it does work, amazingly it is true. x

    1. This is typical, the N will abuse by proxy. He is having a hard time giving up control and they are very vindictive when you pull the plug. I read a lot of books about divorcing a pathological N. If the kids are old enough to understand, have a therapist work with them. They are his victims too. A N also damages the children who either worship him and emulate him or end up co-dependent like you were.

  10. Someone please help? I have been reading so much stuff on npd but now im not even sure if that is what my ex partner is! We have been finished just under 2 weeks and i am a mess. We were together only 2 years im 51 he 54. I am a widow. He was my dream come true at the beginning,i couldnt believe i was able to find happiness again. And i was so happy. He did loads of work on my house, bought me and my kids lovely presents, made lovely surprises for my birthday etc.
    The only issues were that if we had words” he would just walk away , tell me he was hurt and needed some time out.He never abused me physically and when he did verbally it seemed in a joking way calling me stupid girl or bonkers.
    He finished our relationship saying the distance was too much (40 mins in the car) and he needed to spend more time with his family. He has a lot of female friends some of whom i met during our relationship but it never bothered me as i trusted him completely. He was unable to support me when i was emotional and he did withdraw affection at times. Am i crazy, looking for reasons? maybe this is just a normal breakup?
    I am getting ill and dont know what to do, i miss him so much. Please help? x

    1. Audrey, I have been there…Just a thought(in his 50’s with a lot of women friends), I suspect he is a NPD who may be closeted gay man. Trust me, the sex may have been great but you may have been his cover. Look it up. Interesting read. But stay the course in healing yourself.

  11. Wow, I read this blog and just had to comment. I am 2 years post (a 15 yr relationship) narc separation and I have gone through exectly those 3 steps. I HAD to go through thoses steps, couldn’t miss or ignore one or try to skip it. Am still finalising the ‘my part in it’ step and continuing the healing myself step (a wider and more long term focus). You always nail it Mel….. thanks

  12. Hi Mel and everyone,
    It is so moving to read and share everyone’s experiences. If I wrote my story here it would be so similar to so many other’s; 12 years of living in Narcville and everything that goes with it and a totally destroyed life and self at the end.
    I just wanted to say that what Mel says about the need to focus on Step 3 – I can testify to the incredible benefits and truth of that. I am three years down the track and a part way forward-don’t despair it doesn’t take everyone that long!! I went back and forwards and had a lot of co dependency and parent narcissism to work on as well!
    When I found my oasis of healing here on Mel’s website, she had not introduced the NARC Recovery program at that time.
    So I started with Mel’s books, Breaking the Chains of Painful Love, I literally slept with that book for about a year- woke up at 2, 3, 4 am and read a few pages , over and over…Also, Mel’s other book Take Back Your Power.
    The real life changing work for me I found in the Empowered Self Course, honestly the best $200 I have ever spent, along with the EBooks. I also found the 11/11 program- find it in the free articles section just brilliant for me and still work on them.
    My current affirmation I am working on is “i am safe, loving and powerful in my own energy”.
    It is fun to make up and work on your own affirmations. I also love all the beautiful guided meditations in the E Course. In one I visualise myself in a beautiful emerald coloured gown holding a bejewelled sword to ward off dark energies like narcissism.!
    Focus on Step 3 will do exactly as Mel says; it not only saved my life – it has helped me find a safer world, a gentler more peaceful world within myself. I spent 12 years looking for love and truth in someone else only to find it in myself after all that time. I never had that before so I am grateful for what the experience gave back to me. Not what I thought it would- love and safety in someone else – but finally love and safety within myself after a lifetime without it. So much love to everyone here – may the angels light your path and and as I am discovering, you will soon find a new life lit with a million tiny, wondrous stars
    where everything is true and real…
    Deana, you said you don’t know where to start, I know what you mean…Is there anything you loved doing as a little girl or growing up? I found this helped me- it made me feel safe enough to face all this material and face myself in it. Really found it a good way to connect with myself again- and anything creative is great- painting, sewing, knitting, music, drawing, anything.
    I like painting furniture and taking care of and talking to my animals. Then I do some of this work or reading -journalling- whatever and then some more furniture and brushing/playing/swimming with my animal friends!! This helped me feel safe enough to focus and be open to this material which initially was quite scary for me until I got more used to it.! You will find something that lights you way; and remember you are never alone with it. I have since done the NARC Recovery Program and keep doing some of them – lots of people move foward at the speed of light with that. I’ve always been a tortoise, some of us will always be!!
    Love and blessings to you Mel and to everyone here. xxxxxx

  13. I draw strength from merely reading all the letters in the sense that I do not feel alone! I write down the ‘bold type’ messages which works very well for me in remembering them. When I speak to my friends I quote lines to them which makes them realize the truth of the matter. I do have my ‘off-days’ but can proudly say that my health and strength has improved because I have gained my strength in voicing my opinion when need be. All you women out there, don’t underestimate the power within – believe me, we all have it. All you should do is apply. Take care, Sushmita!

  14. 1. I have spent the large part of the past five months (post leaving my xN for the second time) on step 1: reading and educating myself about NPD ad nauseum. i’ve read books, articles and listen to everything i can get my hands on… I am completely No Contact and have blocked my ex from my life in every way I can think of. YES, i still have intense emotions regarding her (we were together 6 years) and the disillusionment at having lost “us” and the fantasy of us. It has taken me from denial to grief to anger to longing and back again. She has already (almost immediately) moved on and has a beautiful new girlfriend, who has no idea who my ex really is. Even through this new information I have continued to hold on to the FACTS of narcissism, knowing that my dream could never have become reality. The Facts are essential.

    2. As part of taking responsibility for my part i have acknowledged that I allowed the abuse to continue as long as I did (until I finally LEFT for good, THANK GOD.)
    I fully know that this experience with my ex occurred in large part so i could heal past wounds, inflicted by my mother’s severe lack of validation, invalidation by the church as well as prolonged sexual abuse by another narcissist (adult) when i was a teen. I also have done a lot of journaling, which has been an invaluable tool. I have done a few of the Quanta Freedom Healings as well. In the early stages of leaving my ex I tried on two separate occasions to do the Psychic cord cutting and found it to be intolerably painful. I intend to try it again today, as I still VERY much feel a psychic attachment to her as if she is still IN my head (at times) repeating all the lies that she used during our relationship. The good news is that now, I know they are lies, and can refute them. I also seem to have an innate sense when she is in town (when I left ehr I moved out of state from Texas back to California) and become overwhelmed with anxiety, only to hear that she is in fact visiting (here to see her new girl, i assume.) The thought of encountering her makes me very ill. Our community (gay community in Los Angeles) is very small and she is VERY popular. I don’t know how to deal with this.

    3. I am not entirely sure “how” to focus on my own healing exactly. Does this just mean starting to build a new life without the N? I have tried to do this: building new friendships, focusing on work, trying to exercise, working on my art and writing, surrounding myself with supportive life-giving energy. It is remarkable, though, Mel…. i still feel this vacant gutted feeling. What else can I do? I want to be rid of her entirely and forget she even exists.

  15. I just wrote on this struggle yesterday as well as cried a river of physical release.
    To Vanessa: I feel I am exactly where you are….exactly..I am out of the black hole for quite a while now but the lingering shadow has not dissipated. Some days it lingers closer by than other days. Like Mel said, this cant be compared to a normal healing because it of itself was not normal…it was insanity…But I am right there with you…wondering what next, how to have no charge from the thought of this N and to remove myself from the confused and fearful life that creeps back in…These articles always bring me back to a place where I can choose to remove myself from the confusion. I find validation and direction. Mel is awesome about actually showing us how to work things…
    However, I just want this “vacant gutted feeling” to be removed permanently…i dont want Narcissism to be the topic of all my conversations or the underlying thoughts that race through my head in my daily walk and evaluation of life. People that dont know, dont want to hear about it and think I am the crazy one…
    I am going to repeat working on the e-motion reprogramming…I am frustrated and feel that I am losing time in life investing it in the lingering shadow…I do have good periods but I want total freedom.

  16. Thanx for all your support and eye-openers. I am currently doing the 3 steps and was interrupted by a massive 4 week illness turning into pneumonia. I am recovering now and will be picking up the physical and mental selfwork. My 12 year old son is also joining me at the Gym and with Community projects, and he also enjoys the diversion. It is a very lonely road – I have my own bedroom and is still married – we live in the same house. My NPD husband is trying hard to be normal but it does not seem authentic because he really does not know how to love, toch, or be empathic, I found a attorney to set up a Post-Nuptual contract -so we’ll see hhow things pan out.

  17. Just to clarify for everyone – Step 3 is diligently working on your own healing.This means you have to invest time and effort into yourself to get better. The path I did after being narcissitically abused was getting kiesiology healings, taking flower essences, journalling, reading the right books on co-dependency and boundary function, meditating etc. etc.

    Now the paths I know are still all of these and are specifically Quanta Freedom Healing and especially the NARP Program – which has been specifically designed to help you shift up and out of the pain and the victimhood to a new empowered state.

    The truth is it is not just about getting new interests and getting yourself back into life – these are ‘supplements’ to help you – but the deep working on yourself is the true solution – and the total necessity.

    And truly it is about committing to know you need to do it, that you are worth your own attention and devotion, and that ultimately you are the only person who can heal you…that is what the path to liberation, self-love and empowerment is all about.

    I hope this helps explain!

    Mel xx

  18. Additionally information will help support you – but true healing is an ‘inner’ deal – it is deeply between you and you….Your inner identity and beliefs about yourself need to change, and become a solid new reality, and that occurs when you devote time to your own inner healing…xx

  19. I’m a mess, a complete and utter wreck. I haven’t left my N husband.. I feel psychologically paralysed. I’m trapped and I feel like I’m suffocating. I’ve no where to go and no one to turn to. I have no support of any kind and I feel completely overwhelmed. There is no escape!!! Most of my family are dead and the only living relatives I have are not close to me. He has abused me systematically for a very long time; I’ve lived like this for most of our marriage, 27 years now, and I recognise that he had me well and truly under his control within the first few months of being married.
    I’ve read the ‘no contact’ part but it’s impossible to do whilst still living with him. I despair because I believe that I will never be free from him and I see no way out. If I leave he’ll come after me and he refuses to leave ever. Even though he sees on a daily basis that I’m suffering… the depressions have deepened and no amount of the ‘talking therapies’ has done me an ounce of good. A clinical psychologist told me I have complicated PTSD but my doctor won’t acknowledge what she said and treats me for the usual depression.

    How can I ever get out of this mess that I’ve helped create with my co dependant issues. It’s useless and it’s gone on for too long…..it’s gone too far now to turn back. My life is nothing more than an existence.

    1. Hi, Sylvia. 🙂

      I live in Norway, am 39 years old.
      1,5 years ago I did break out of a 37 year long relation with my parents, wich parenthood came out to be narc, and I had been living in Stockholm Syndrom almost my whole life!

      Today I am away from their reach, I am becoming myself, and starting to see joy, hope and will of living again.

      When I started having thoughts of cutting contact with my narcs, me too felt emptied out and had almost no will to live left; and I was not able to think one straight thought it seemed; making desicions was the worst part, so I escaped to a shelter for violenced women, and after living in hiding there for a while; I did get to rest, and I started gaining clarity and started finding myself. I really did not take the decision of no contact until after I had been at the shelter for a while. I still do no contact, and my narcs do not know where I live, I moved to another city.
      Today, I am still searching missing parts of myself and I have many dark days, but most brighter days, and as I said I am healing and recovering; so I can say to you that it IS possible, my dear sister on Earth! :)LOVE

  20. Thank you Melanie..I understand and I am encouraged to put the focus back into my personal healing and growth..I want to be “rewired’ and have a new ‘home page’, if you will.
    Thank you for the sincerity and time you give to us….

  21. Hi Mel,

    I consider myself to be very fortunate. I knew my relationship was wrong. I had tried many times to end it, but was still holding resentment. When I found your site, it really HIT me that
    a) I was not dealing with a normal human being, only a very poor facsimile of one, and I realised what a truly pitiable life the narcissist leads; and
    b) it was entirely a situation of my own creation, because I ALLOWED him to treat me like that! I should have walked away as soon as I had my suspicions (in other words I should have listened to the little voice saying “that’s a lie”)

    Almost immediately upon reading your page on “Common Expressions and Behaviour” of a narcissist (the first one I landed on!), I realised that I had let a dangerous ‘person’ in my life, and I knew that meant I still had some lessons to learn about looking after myself.

    It may sound strange but I wish he could be healed, because I couldn’t imagine anything worse than that secret knowledge a pathological liar must face – that they have gone through their entire life without genuine love, because no-one genuinely KNOWS who they are (not even themselves I suspect). But I do not accept responsibility for that, I no longer have a personal ambition to turn him into a normal person. My mission now is to heal myself and I am confident that when I have cleared the way to reach my full potential, love will find me. And I am seeing that manifest already in my life, even in a few short months.

    And believe it or not, I feel gratitude that he came into my life to teach me that lesson which I’m sure will prove to be the most valuable thing I ever learned! I am grateful that I didn’t have to wait until the end of my life to realise why I wasn’t attracting the REAL love I wanted (or worse, to never realise at all!). Most especially when I look at my family and see how they are suffering also; because it was the experiences of parenting that put us all in this position, and that goes back a few generations.

    I have seen too many lives wasted on fear, anxiety and resentment, too much love drowned out by bitterness, and I reject that future! Enough time has been wasted already! We only get one shot at this life, who would CHOOSE to make it a miserable one? The fact is, many people don’t realise that we must make a CHOICE to fill it with love and joy, and it’s not always easy to put aside past hurts and poor parenting. It does take work. And not all days are good days, and the ‘less than’ feelings will return like weeds in a garden. But even the most persistant weeds can be controlled with persistant weeding!

    Most of all I’m grateful for you Melanie, for opening my eyes. And for being in the right place at the right time for me to find your help when I was ready for it!

  22. I have discovered Melanie’s website just few days after I broke up with thye narcissist (3rd break-in the past three years). The day I read “no contact” I made a strong “contract with myself” not responding to him and I have been “abstinent from him” for two weeks. Today is the first day without obssession and pain. I relate 100% to everything Melanie shares on her website – and what I have not experienced I would probably experience if I did not find this website. There are no words to express my gratitude to Melanie’s courage to write so openly and frankly that it woke up me to the reality so quickly. Wishing and praying that the conditions will become favorable and the Universe will show this website and powerful message to all women/men who are out there suffering from narcissistic abuse and not even know about it. Ivona

  23. Hi everyone,
    Saw this quote today and made a colourful journal drawing with it…

    “Never place the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket”.

    Hope you will like it too…

    Also wanted to share a couple of my favourite journal entries which are quoted from Mel’s writings….

    “Our Wise Self will always lead us out of darkness and fear and into the light….”.

    ‘Take your focus right off what or who is not working. Stop trying to fix it from a place of fear/neediness.
    Energy amplifies!! Put your energy into creating your own healing, peace and safety and happiness’

    (I had stickers everywhere in my house at one time saying “take your focus right off…” !! )You know how hard that can be!!

    Lastly my favourite affirmation – for 11/11
    journal work (taken from one of Mel’s e Books):

    ‘I am now in the process of becoming powerful in my own energy. I affirm that no person or situation has any power over me.
    I am safe, whole and complete.’

    When I say, think or see the words “no person or situation has any power over me” ;
    my spirit feels like dancing…..
    May all our spirits dance free !!

    Thank you Mel- hope you don’t mind me quoting your writings from my journal entries
    xxxxxxxx

  24. I have finally taken the first step : I’m taking back MY life – yesterday a Protection Order was granted and the police will be evicting him from my home. He thought I’d never do it…imagine his surprise when the papers are served. I feel a sense of empowerment now that I’ve done it… I know that he will be making my life hell but I will no longer be drawn into this web and the moment he contravenes the order I will be laying charges against him.Thanks for your invaluable advice.

  25. I have been in a relationship with a man for 8 months and it has been so hot and cold. From about 3 months in he changed, he was secretive, always had his phone on him, he was always known in the community as a player, i couldnt see it, he was charming, well groomed, driven, ambitious, well spoken seemed genuine and caring.
    I got pregnant and for 5 weeks he would go from how exciting to have a baby, to im not sure about this and when I asked him if we should terminate or not he could not or would not give me a response as to yes or no. In the end I made the decision to terminate and the day before I terminated he booked a flight to canada for the february, before booking that flight he text me and said things like babe I wish you would come with me, so I called his bluff and said book me the flight… he booked himself and it was only after an argument and confrontation he booked me. Needless to say the trip never went ahead anyway.
    Christmas eve I checked his phone and found he had been messaging another girl and he swore black and blue that he had done nothing wrong and that she was an old flame and she was vindictive and horrible and not a nice person. He would not show me the response to the message he sent her. We went away for Christmas and he was distant most of the time, from the time we met he said I should move in with him , but he pulled that off the table at christmas. I remember thinking its way too soon to commit to live together. I later found out after that holiday that he sent the girl he had been messaging an email saying ‘you clown i dont have a girlfriend’. He then met with her at the end of January and slept with her, I found this out by contacting her myslef I sensed the lies… I left him because of all of this and had no contact with him until i sent him some abusive messages and what do u know it started with just come and see me…. so here we are again on the roller coaster, him tuning his phone off on me, booking trips without me, declaring his love for me, and i get the feeling he is communicating and possibly meeting up with someone else. I keep ending it weekly and he somehow ends up coming back in my life because i let him!!
    I know that the relationship is toxic, it has the hallmarks of a relationship but no landmarks. There is no care, consistency or progression. I do not trust him at all. He says im the one that deosnt care for him at all and makes comments about me chasing other blokes when this is so far from the truth. I feel when he says things like this its because that is what he is doing.
    Any suggestions to get him OUT of MY LIFE and keep it that way? The most difficult thing is we live 360m apart….

  26. I am so greatful to have found this website also….I feel the same way….I don’t know what just hit me. I had never been in quite a relationship quite like the one I just got out of. I met him at work over the phone..he lived in Iowa me in Minnesota….he was married with 4 kids….he pursued me like a bee wanting honey….he made all kinds of reasons why he needed to get out of his marriage….said she was jealous….I wonder why! We have been together for over 7 years….from the 1st time he got mad and threw me out of the car I knew something was seriously wrong with him but I kept making excuse after excuse for his cruel behaviour. He broke his sons jaw over his temper even punched a bartender….i still made excuses for him. He was the love of my life? Wow…..I need my head examined seriously. I had never even heard the term narcassist until a friend said she thought that’s what he was. Started researching and found melanies site….started reading and was like wow…..had no idea how many traits he had….I was numb when he just up and left….seriously thought I would not make it. I had made him my whole world….made him my whole life. I have gone over 30 days of no contact and plan on going my whole life with no contact with him. These so called people are so deceiving and so mean makes one wonder how they can even be human. I am still healing and will be for time to come but we do deserve better in life. Right at the same time he left my best friend was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and is in the hospital doing first round of chemotherapy…..makes you realize just how precious our lives are. Thanks everyone for your stories…..makes me know I’m not the only one out there that has dealt with such a monster.

  27. Thank you. It helped to read about the Law of Attraction. I deleted every website about Narcissism and removed every related book from my ereader. I no longer need to focus on that as it is no longer a part of my life. I am focusing on being grateful for having learned a valuable lesson & consider all the money I spent on him to be tuition for that lesson in life. I also want to thank Val for her post, wonderful, powerful messages for healing and bless her for sharing. I am stronger now – it doesn’t matter anymore what he is or what he did, what really matters is why I allowed it and gave it so much power over my happiness. No more, My happiness is within my own control.

  28. I am very happy to of found this website.. My story is I met this guy at the end of August at a garage sale I had.. We became friends and he Persued me for about 2 months with poems, letters, doing work around my house , sweet talking me, etc… I was never really interested in him at first since he seemed a bit on the sketchy side… But all of a sudden I fell for him and hard!!! So by now it’s November and we are dating and within 2 weeks he tells me he loves me and is in love with me already also he is getting evicted from the place he has been living at because they are selling the house( his living situation for the last couple of years and still.. Is living at people’s homes and doing work around the place for rent) not ever getting a real job…so he kept joking he was going to be homeless soon.. By the time Dec came I offered he could stay at my place for the month while he got back on his feet and could do work around my place for rent for the month… big mistake!!!!! He practically took over my garage with all his sh&t and brought more and more stuff there.. He was on best behavior treating me like a princess for about a month or so… Flower, poems, dinners, etc.. Then slowly I found out he was still keeping in contact with his ex all the time.. Who just recently moved to another state.. But texting , calls, emails with her constantly.. He was not really looking for a job or place to live unless I was on him about it.. He would stay up most night all night in my garage which led me to believe
    He was using drugs.. Which he had a past of using.. He started showing his lazy side leaving clothes around, not pulling his weight around.. When I wanted to hang out with friends and family.. Which I didn’t do as often when I was with him.. He always seemed a bit jealous or gave me a hard time about it. So I started feeling really uneasy about things and tons of anxiety .. When I told him how I was feeling he just told me because I was not use to being in a relationship and living with someone.. I also told him this was only suppose to be a month while he was getting back on his feet.. Which he was making no effort to do this.. Especially if he didn’t have to having a place to live practically rent free.. Then he started twisting things around if we had an argument and make it my fault and started making me feel bad about myself.with him never taking any responsibility for his actions and always playing th victim!!! When I talked to him about him moving out he always gave me a guilt trip like I was throwing him out on the street or if we can’t live together now we could never live together.. Finally after about 2 months living together I saw him get angry for the first time and it was like he was a different person.. Yelling at me, throwing things etc in my house!!
    Also if we got in a arguement he would make me feel like it was my fault and he would withhold affection from me and I felt I was at fault and needed to apologize to him! The last straw around 2 and a half months of living together we got in an argument about him moving out again and he got so mad he was yelling at me at the top of his lungs in my garage late at night calling me the worst names possible and looking at me like he wanted to kill me also raised a backpack at me like he was going to throw it at me.. I called a neighbor who came over and tried to calm him down.. I was terrified!! The next day he came by crying and. Begging me to forgive him and I told him he had to move out!!! Also be told me I over reacted..so now he is living 2 garage doors down from me renting a room for work in this elderly woman’s house who he has known before.. So I have to see him almost everyday since he is not working and is always outside tinkering in the garage , on his truck etc… He will leave me notes still or either try to sweet talk me when he sees me or if I say I can’t talk he gets mad and starts talking smack to me as I walk away… He lives in a fantasy world I tell him I wasn’t happy with him and things don’t work. Etween us and he alwYs said things were perfect until I ruined it and he doesn’t understand why..?? So it’s been 2 and a half months since he moved out and I have slipped a couple of times and saw him.. But felt horrible after.. I still have strong feelings for him or the person he led me to believe he was and am still very much attracted to him so when I see him it’s so hard to just walk away and ignore him.. I want him to move so bad but I have no control over that… I just want him out of my life and have no contact with him but it’s really difficult when he is right next store and in my face constantly!!! Any suggestions how to deal with this situation and keep no contact with him…?????
    Thanks

  29. Mel,
    This email is the one that finally struck me hard to where I know have to stop the pain. My Narc. wife that I have been married to for 40 years has the most painful thing that anyone could go through. Living with what M Scott Peck discribes as People of the Lie, sucks you into living a lie yourself.

    Thank you for your ministry,! for the many of us who could never figure out what is wrong here!

  30. Hi Eileen,
    I am so happy to read that you have deleted all your narcissism information.
    It’s a great feeling, isn’t it?
    I remember doing that a while back; I think I had purchased most of the books from Amazon about narcissism!! And read them!!
    AS you so wisely say-it doesn’t matter anymore…
    It’s so great to be able to share our experiences and pathways forward here isn’t it?
    Yesterday I listened to one of the older radio programs Mel did- it is entitled
    Feeling Safe in Life; I highly recommend it.
    I am going to listen to it again this evening – there is so much in it.
    xxxx

  31. Hi Sylvia,
    I understand how you feel. You sound very depressed and this contributes to your feelings of hopelessness.
    You say you have no one to turn to.

    Sylvia- YOU MUST TURN TO YOURSELF!!
    If you do not want to live like this for the rest of your life you must DECIDE NOW, Today to change your life.
    Take back your power and your life; and once you do stand up and snap out of it -you will find you are NOT alone!!
    Read again what the writer from Norway said
    Re Read carefully the whole article.
    Read all the blogs. See how many people share what you are going through here.
    I am not sure where you live but when you leave – you will find there are legal processes which you can engage to protect yourself and stop him coming after you.

    Email Melanie and ask for her individual assistance if you want it.
    You can do it!!
    You can do it!!
    Say to yourself and or write out every day- repeatedly: I am powerful and I am safe…
    Do just one thing everyday toward changing your situation. Today- Decide if you want to.
    Then educate yourself and plan carefully.
    Only you can do it Sylvia. You can continue to share your progress here every week where you have lots of love and support and everyone understands.
    Now decide, then get up and do one thing!!
    SNAP OUT OF IT. Listen to Mel’s Radio programs. Get moving; you can do it.
    xxxx
    xxxx

  32. Thank you Val and everyone else for the beautiful and inspirational support that has been offered with this blog.

    Please, everyone know no matter how much you hurt, no matter how much you think you can’t get unstuck, every step that you take forward that is honouring you it will get easier and easier.

    At the start it will feel like you’re crawling (barely) and as long as you keep inching forward, before you know it you will be walking and then running towards the creation of a much better life.

    We are never powerless, and there is always a way – and our soul will always help us find it…

    Much Love Mel xo

  33. To Melanie, Val and the lady in Norway..

    I’ve read your responses and thank you for your support. Thank you for taking the time to write. Thank you for caring. It means a lot to me because that is what my life sorely lacks. What little family I have and friends too have not believed how bad my spouse can be. They have judged, blamed, minimised and criticised me relentlessly. They have unwittingly colluded with my N husband leaving me feeling invalidated, slapped down and responsible for all the ills in my relationship. So, to have someone actually understand and offer words of comfort and kindness has given me renewed hope that ‘out there’ there are souls who really do understand and will reach out as you have done. God Bless.

    I feel very unwell just now and I’ve seen a new doctor because I was very unhappy with my other doctor. I’ve been told that I’m suffering from stress burn-out… in other words a nervous breakdown. The signs have been there for quite a while and I’ve pushed and pushed myself beyond my limits. The more blame heaped upon me the harder and harder I’ve worked to make things right… I’ve exhausted myself and driven myself crazy, too. Of course, I had never heard of the term narcissistic… I had no understanding of the enemy I was up against. This has only come to light recently.

    This is my codependent nature at play. I am a codependent care taker, rescuer, fixer etc. I take on responsibility for others! Although my husband has a lot of issues which have damaged me, I have to admit and take responsibility for the damage which I have caused myself. I never understood codependence even though I read a lot about it. I do now; now that I am hitting bottom!
    I am guilty of: not taking care of my own needs; of letting others use and abuse me; of trying to fix my spouse; of perfectionism; of not leaving when I knew I should have done and so many other ‘crimes’ against myself. So, for now I have to focus on getting well and strong again and accepting the lessons that have been presented to me.

    I have to learn, possibly, the biggest lesson in my life and that is to keep the focus on myself, take care of my needs and take the focus off my N spouse. This is my life’s biggest challenge because, everything I’ve been taught and conditioned to do from childhood by my N mother and alcoholic father, is so deeply ingrained in me. All the screwed up lessons I’ve learned, and wrong messages from the beginning of my life, have worked against me. Oh boy, I really do have my work cut out for me and so, for now I MUST let my mind rest. I must take time out.

    Thank you so much again to those of you who have reached out to me. If I could give you a big hug I would.
    Please know that what you’ve done has made a difference.

    Love from Sylvia X

  34. Hi Sylvia,
    Lovely to hear back from you and it sounds like you are making lots of progress in accepting things and remembering to focus on yourself and what you need.
    My experience is also that no one ever believes how destructive narcissistic people can be. Try to put that all out of your mind now and focus on what you do want as Mel says.
    I know what you are going through Sylvia- it will get better and again as Mel says- even if you are just crawling and have no energy -you can do one thing a day to create your new life.
    I was like you always worrying about everyone else- I read a lot about Boundaries and Mel’s articles and E BOOK and learned a lot from that. And the ones on co dependency of course.
    May the Angels guide you and protect you always- you are safe and you will soon be well again Sylvia.
    Loving thoughts are with you,
    Val xxxx

  35. I am in the early stages of taking control of my life, I do feel perhaps a little awkward posting on here as I may be the only man on the site, I have begun to break free from the person trying to control me but am quite emotional with my x partner using my daughter as a tool against me.
    I know there is meant to be a light at the end of the tunnel, I’m looking for it as hard as I can

    1. Hello Fred.

      Have you read Melanie’s information on EMPOWERING ourselves and the NO CONTACT RULE? It’s all very good stuff. Good luck.

  36. Hi All,

    How to start,well I have had one shit relationship after another. I am co-dependant and have issues with boundries I now know why.

    The last guy I was with for 8 months was a man’s man tough worker and drank smoked pot ,lied ,slept around I’m still living about 20 meters away from him. We split a week ago and within two day’s he had woman come over stay the night mmmm she parked next to my car ( wonder what lies he told her). I was so hurt to be replaced in such a short period of time.
    I am a smart person I had a great job ,friends and this Narc totally had me believing him he went away while stayed here waiting for him we only just moved in together less than two weeks ago and he treated me like I was the bad person who didnt understand his need for freedom, I gave up my place moved 200KM to be with him in a farm and isolation.
    MMM I hear you say, well Ive met another guy I can talk to to fill in that need. I got work I joined the Fire Brigade and I put up a attension letter at his pub with a need for accomodation with my name and contact number, being a small area it won’t take long for him to have the sense off loss of control over me I won’t contact him and I am able to smile knowing
    I’M FREE TO BE ME for the first time in my life I like this feeling and I’m not letting go .See it can be good just be good to you, give yourself those feelings you wanted from your narc it will help . If you don’t the power remains in their hands they may get off just thinking about your sadness. So come on enough your life will not stay on hold forever.

    I am glad of this last guy because I had an open door to my heart and now I have a screen so I can see who wants in before they can just walk in uninvited 🙂

  37. Dear Mel,
    Very depressed today,

    My ex narcissist boyfriend played me again!

    I am friends with his entire family, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts you name it. In fact they all have considered me family long before the narc and I ever even dated. That’s one of the reasons his charade worked so well as I had a sense of intimacy with him having known his mom and his siblings so well before him. They all thought we’d be perfect for each other having divorced our cheating spouses.
    His mom has cancer and he made me think he was depressed, needing me etc. We’d been broken up for months but still texting and having the occasional outing. He called and asked me to come see him. I stayed the night but nothing happened. He tried but I told him he had to be sure he knew where this was going to go if he started anything. So he stopped and just asked me to stay for company so he wouldn’t be alone. The next morning he told his friend “I think she’s onto me because she wouldn’t have sex with me”. Then just days later announces he is back with another ex girlfriend, he’s in love and that they’re engaged. His mom came to see me at work. She gave me a big hug and kiss and told me not to let this break me that she loved me very much and I would find someone else. His brother called to tell me he loved me and his dad called me on my birthday. Its just so confusing that he is like this. Makes me wonder if I had caved would I be the one engaged? Is he really going to marry her? What the heck is this really all about? Why even bother if this is what is out there?
    I waited a year after my divorce to start dating and this was who I chose. I thought I was safe. I thought I was so smart and lucky. Now I’m worse off than I was before. I am so broken. I thought I’d found Superman.

    Why do I wake up every morning just so broken that I have to face another day. He was so charming, asking me if I loved him, if I thought we’d get married some day. It didn’t matter how I responded, if I asked him to slow down or if I got excited about the prospect he would pull the rug out from under me and pull away. A few hours later he would call planning a vacation for us for example. Then he’d cancel. I called him out on his behavior. He then told me he was a narc and was going to get help and wanted me to stay with him. I didn’t realize what that was. I thought true love conquers all right? When I finally let my guard down and said yes I love you he dumped me. Honestly what the hell just happened to me? I used to laugh all the time. Everyone loved me!! I was funny and cute. I was everybody else’s cheerleader. Now I really just don’t see the point. I finally get Jack Kevorkian. Sometimes you just want it to stop.

  38. i need help.im a lady who still cant leave her bf even this relationship is no longer healthy.for how many times he left me and hurt me emotionally, but just a word from him and everything will be forgotten.he left me for another lady before and i have depressed for one year. after one one year that i have been trying to move on and accepted that we can no longer be together, and i have been dating someone else too, he just suddenly come back and so s*****d of me to accept him in a snap… and now, everything is happening again…on the same month and days when he left me… and here i am still trying to understand him. i know that i need to leave, but why i cannot do it… please somebody help me… i dont want this anymore…

  39. Hi Jen,

    what you are going through is really normal and so hard to leave, until we do the work on us and empower ourselves….

    Truly this is the only way through and up and out of these painful realities…

    You must take your focus off him and place your energy into healing you as much as you can….

    Please find the link to resource sthat will help you do this…

    https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narcissist-central/index.htm

    Put as much energy into them as you possibly can – and then you will heal and recover

    Mel xo

  40. Greetings.

    First, I would like to thank you for your website and the information and resources that you make available. As I find is often the case, when you are open, I found it exactly when I needed and was ready for it.

    I finally ended the relationship completely with my ex a number of months ago. Although we officially broke up in September I did not follow the “no contact” rule. He wanted to remain friends and stated that it wasn’t necessarily over for us. He just wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and needed to work his “stuff” out on his own. Of course, he already had his next potential girlfriend lined up the minute I mentioned the possibility of taking a break or breaking up. So, while I continued to try to be an understanding, supportive, caring presence in his life, he got to escape into the excitement of a new developing relationship without any real understanding or care for why this might be painful for me.

    I did try to implement the no contact rule a couple of times. He couldn’t understand why my need to focus on healing myself involved having no contact with him. When contact was re-established he would text with me in ways that blurred boundaries and made me feel like I was standing in quick sand. Every now and then he would casually mention the other woman just to make sure I understood where I stood.

    I finally ended all contact with him b/c I realized I could not recover from my “addiction” if I kept getting the occasional “hit”, that he would give me just enough to keep hanging on with no intention of truly caring about my needs and feelings. I was able to make that break with a personal integrity that empowered me.

    My problem is that he keeps showing up at the bar where I co-deejay and host karaoke with my friend. He comes with his girlfriend (who is very clingy and co-dependent) and puts on this whole show of affection with her when one of the issues in our relationship was his paucity with gestures of affection. I know that I am healing but every time he shows up the old taunt “maybe it was just me he couldn’t love” whispers from the dark corners of my mind and heart.

    My friends don’t understand what is difficult and painful about the situation. They just say “he’s not worth it” and tell me to forget him. Obviously, this is ultimately what I need to do and am in the process of doing. However, what they don’t understand is all the work that you have to do to undo the damage to your sense of self and self-esteem that you incurred while being with this person. Or that you are trying to do this from a place that is not built on anger and hatred but rather self love that embraces acceptance, forgiveness, and letting go of the past.

  41. Hi Mel-

    I’m in hell. I feel like my soul has been eaten by the devil.

    My focus is still so much on him and it’s been NC since March.

    He has moved in with someone else, and my last pathetic text was about hoping to be friends.

    And either the girlfriend or him pretending to be her, texted me back saying,” Your “relationship” with (name) is over. He will not respond to your pathetic texts” and then there was something about him not sending the text himself lest I mistake him wanting to relate to me.

    Then it said, “In his words, you are a sick lazy out of work loser who he paid for far too long. He finds it ironic that you wrote all those horrible things with the laptop he gave you.”

    The story behind that last part: He gave me a laptop for my birthday. When he texted me the final breakup in January, he told me that she was there at his house when he got back from seeing me. (Our final meetup where he told me he didn’t see a future with us because of my financial difficulties yet he was making sporadic payments to a lawyer to pay for a bankruptcy process and a divorce and waiting for his mortgage company to foreclose. He had also stopped seeing her because the stbx was sabotaging and he couldn’t have a healthy relationship til he was divorced. So as I said, she was there, and she asked him to move in and he was accepting.

    That was the blow that nearly knocked me off my feet. I literally could feel my body go into shock. I ripped out some angry texts in the next couple hours, and a private message to him as well as to his stbx. I was actually apologizing to her.

    When I calmed down, I sent a text to arrange for him to get his stuff that was here and he accused me of sending “shit” (his word) to his new girlfriend, now for the first time to me, using her name. I had not known it before then. I sent a text back telling him it wasn’t true and that I didn’t even know her name. He didn’t acknowledge. So I took for granted that he believed me. But I was pissed he would even think that I would do that.

    So hence the above text. Turns out he didn’t believe me or they joined forces to gas light me together. Ugh…that is really sick if it’s true.

    Anyway, I went through months of withdraw, sweats in the morning that felt like hot flashes, thinking of them together and so torn up about the rejection and ostracism. I was never really on the inside anyway and all of a sudden he’s letting this other woman in? More than just a slap in the face.

    The sweats have subsided, until today I had a small one. But I’m still more depressed than I have ever been and don’t care about anything. I’m in therapy and want to feel better, and in fact seeking ways to do so other than alcohol but I keep slipping back into the darkness of this need for him to see that he behaved so horrible toward me. And I have no motivation to do much of anything really, especially by myself, other than read on the computer.

  42. I forgot to mention…the NC I referred to above was actual contact in he knows about it. I understand that googling him and looking at his picture(s) on FB and other sites is actually contact. I sometimes get overtaken to do this and I give in. It’s painful but I feel like I can’t help myself sometimes. He put up a pic of the two of them before he told me about the move and I did see it. Creep. After the accusation they both blocked me. I can just imagine all the trashing he did about me. If what he had said to me about his stbx is any indication and I’m sure it is, as nothing is ever his responsibility and it’s always the woman to blame for the demise of any relationship he’s in.
    I deactivated my account from FB when all this went down in January as I suspect the stbx or even possibly the current to have hacked my account and wrote those “horrible” things to the new chick. Whatever they might be. Scary to think what might have been said.

    I also forgot that at the very end of that last text I referred to above, she also wrote that if I continue to try to contact he will call the cops in my township.

    So I suppose with that lovely threat that certainly has contributed to my NC willpower.

  43. I met a man in a vulnerable place following a difficult separation. I was looking for someone fun and different and went for someone I would normally walk away from. Now for the past 18 months I have lived through threats and physical violence which is either disregarded or blamed on me. Cheating with his wife (they were over and separating!), lies, lies and more lies. Isolating me from his family, talking about me poorly at times with his friends – he would tell me and then also state that they thought I had issues (true/untrue) – who knows. He is charismatic, his persona is that he is sure of himself etc etc. what I have read on this site really. Along with counselling this site has proved very valuable. I gave up my professional job also to help him in his business, I ended up working when he was playing, being paid commission for doing so much more than just marketing. Why did I put up with all that – I’m angry not just at him but myself, I know that I think I can only find love for myself if someone else validates me – to do everything for someone in the hope that they will love you and validate you when the only thing they are capable of is very shallow words designed to either keep you trying, stop you from leaving or get you back. I left this man 4 times and he got me back 4 times, he is still trying, I’m on my own again, this time I am educating myself as much as possible about NPD – this is right for me, I need as much knowledge as possible. It keeps me logical and the logic thus supersedes my emotional pull to him. To take care of him when he cries please come back and to avoid feeling insecure when he tells me his life is great and I am missing out on the best thing in my life. I know I am just going to be missing out on more of the same. I don’t think anyone can understand how hard it is to break free from these people unless they have experienced it. It’s not a normal break-up – it’s something so much harder and the pain that I have experienced with this person over the past 18 months is the most pain I have ever known from any relationship. I’m depressed and struggling right now, but I have my support, I’m taking each day at a time and from now on the effort I put into life is for me – not for someone who wants to drain me of everything I have. Thank you for offering this site. It has helped me stay strong

  44. Hi. My ex is applying the no contact rule. He just suddenly without any warning “disappeared from my life. i tried to contact him to just pls explain his actions with no luck at all . it’s been 1 months of sending him emails end text mess. but he totally pretends that I never existed after 11 years together of which 7 was in marriage, got married divorced and went on with a relationship although we weren’t staying together. He just disappeared from my life. All I want from him is an explanation, that’s all.

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  46. I am just starting this process and could use some help. I believe I am in a relationship with a narcissist. We live together. He has a son as do I. The emotional roller coaster has drained me. I know I need to end this relationship for myself and my young son. He won’t leave! He moved into my house so he is the one that needs to ho. Separating is hard enough but the struggle I envision really getting him out is an unbearable thought. I don’t even know why I have feelings for him at this point it’s like I’m addicted. It is horrible. I could really use some guidance on how to deal with him and get myself and son in a healthy environment.

  47. I was with my ex (whom I now suspect is a major narcissist) for three years. Three years next week actually. We have always had times that he would leave and say how he didn’t want to see me ever again, but he would always come back for me because i have always made it very clear that i was willing to do anything for him. I had almost become accustomed to this pattern. So recently when he pulled the Same bullsh I wasn’t very alarmed, but this time things are different. He seems totally serious and is being extremely hateful. (More so than usual) he doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I have never experienced pain of this magnitude in my entire life. My body is litterily in physical pain from my emotional wounds. I can’t stop thinking about him, I can’t picture myself with anyone else, I have lots of potential love interests that are actively pursuing me, but they don’t mean anything to me. I don’t understand why he’s doing this. He tells anyone that will listen how “crazy” I am. And to top it off he has been doing everything in his power to make sure I have nothing. My car which he found and helped me pay for is in his name and he takes it back whenever feels like it. i didnt think back then that I was going to have to protect myself from the person that I did anything and everything for. I’m having a very very hard time accepting this as over. Just a week before this Happened he told me that he loves me more than any woman is ever been with and I believed him. I feel confused and betrayed and hurt and very very empty. I don’t know what to do. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciateed.
    Thank you

  48. It’s freeing to realize that I’m not the only one that’s going through this after so long. I felt really isolated for a long time after the end of the relationship, which was 7 years ago, and after not talking to him for 5 years. I definitely realized something was really wrong when I was still hung up on him after a couple of years of not even communicating with him at all. Up until yesterday, when my therapist told me about this site, I was in extreme pain, but I think I’m beginning to go down a good path now.

  49. I know I do spend a lot of time looking up stuff about this. But it’s been 8 weeks since it ended, and 5 in No Contact. I am scared if I stop looking this stuff up, my mind will drift back into dreaming up ways we can work it out.

  50. I have been doing okay for now…..much better than all the previous times he has abandoned me or disappeared.
    But, today I took an online quiz “Am I A Narcissist?”
    And I scored very high….meaning, yes I am.

    I have never thought of myself as a Narc…..but this quiz upset me terribly and has taken me back tremendously. I have been very down today thinking that I am to blame, it must have been me, etc.
    Deep down I know he was the one doing and saying all the bad things, not me….but is it possible that I too am a Narc???

  51. To EVRYBODY its a process, forcing yourself
    to get BK to you&being a New you..
    NARCS don’t change supply supply supply
    THATS what’s our pain we meant nothing
    to them, stinger….
    they view us as supply for what They need, period…
    N/C is best, any communication is nothing but Ego boost for them….They rinse&repeat
    no growth, no success, no remorse, same cycle…..
    if they wanted us? they’d be with us, THYRE
    not… It ABT them 24 7 evryday….
    I have good days&baad ones.. 7yrs I spent
    w/ex bf NARC, it was like poof, thanks see ya
    I’m in counseling, N/C 37 days, deleted his msgs, blocked him, gotten rid of most of our
    memorabilia…. I have no desire to contact him, see him, he let me go…
    oh yes he’s got supply after supply for his
    needs at the time, all that GLITTERS isn’t gold
    what they want, need is the supply, period.
    it is what it is… focus on you, force yourself
    an learn from this!!!!!
    YOULL nvr have answers, youll nvr figure
    them out, know it always ABT Them..
    new life, new love, new chapter for us!!!
    N/C, no Social Media, its fake….
    remember they discarded us, so give them
    what they want…
    it will come BK around, watch
    make this ABT you!!!!
    blessings peace strength
    ‘)

  52. I also wanted to say I’ve graduated MA program, I’m gng onto ekg tech/phlebotomist
    I’m gaining confidence, I’m not faking it till
    I make it, I’m in reality gng thru it, healing,
    letting things go…
    I’ve done it alone, no help, no support, period.
    nobody understands unless you’ve bn w/a
    NARC…
    thres no logic w/them, they adjust just a bit
    w/ea supply, chameleons…
    its ok to be single, work on yourself, strive for
    a loving , normal relationship…
    don’t settle…..
    ‘)

  53. Dear Melanie I am NC for 46 days. After 28years I was doing so well until I had a dream last night of my ex narc and his new source. I found out yesterday he had moved in with her. Which I was fine with and Knew he would. But the dream was haunting and I awoke in a panic attack at 2 a.m. I am working on me and my narc free life so why do these dreams haunt me? I am working on finding me again and loving me. I want the dreams to stop.

  54. Hi Melanie

    I am not in a good place … I have been with a man for 8 years, on and off in the same patterns you describe, though he recently left again (at Christmas) and after a week had started another relationship. I was worried about his financial problems, and needed some reassurance from him that he was really committed to life with me, and suggested that we live apart but still be partners until he had sorted himself out and I was free of some of my own responsibilities. This was when he finished it all. He helped me a lot with my business, managing the website and advising, and we were hoping to one day be able to live from it. he now wants to continue helping me as “friends”, but I am finding it like a drug as he is still warm and calls me still by his pet name for me saying he still loves me but he is not right for me and he lost faith in our dreams because I could not move in with him straight away.
    I have a lot of valuable things in his flat which I can’t easily remove though he says they are safe there until I am emotionally ready to take them. But the new woman must see all these things when she goes there. Will she know that he is still in touch with me. His family are shocked by his leaving and supportive but they can’t say anything to him. His daughter does not speak to him now as she was like a daughter to me. He has had an affair in the middle of our 8 years, and left me for another woman 2 years into my knowing him, when I was recovering from breast cancer and my mother dying … I had a mental breakdown at that time … but he came back to me after she left him. It is such a long story …. this is only a potted version. I still love him dearly.
    Can you explain why he continues to want to help me with the business and hold my possessions in this seemingly understanding and kind way? he really seems to still love and care for me, and I am not sure if he is genuinely caring or narcissistic. I don’t want to look for blame if it is not there. He has many narcissistic traits and they always have concerned me, but he can also be gentle and caring too, and very loving, and always made me feel I was the love of his life.
    I understand all you say about healing yourself … it all makes good sense, and I am seeing a counselor at the moment. But I have this problem of ties to him, and aware that those ties I also can’t bear to break. He knows this too. I long to take him back and give him all the things he asked me to, commitment, marriage, but now there is a new woman … I know I will wait in the hope of his tiring of her. But he is the honeymoon period at the moment so it could be a long time … I know I should go but I am 57 and long to be in a secure relationship. I feel it is all my fault and I have ruined all my chances of happiness now.

  55. I am in a one sided sex wise relationship with a narcissist for 15 months now. He shows and told me he has no feelings for anyone and me. im sad and depressed all the time.HEe is angry all the time. I don’t live with him .we are in our late 60s.everything is his way.im just an object to be used like he says to me. I love him with all the abuse I get from him.Why do I love him and cant leave him.

  56. Hello,
    I was searching on internet for some answers about my problem and I’ve found some websites, to help me with my situation, including yours.

    I know you’ve read thousands of these stories, but I ask you kindly to help me with some answers and some advices. I don’t want to feel what I feel anymore, it’s like this pain doesn’t wants to go away.

    Not too long ago I ended up a relationship with a guy.
    Allow me please to tell you what happened.
    I went in other country and we met at the university where we studied. He was the one who started all this. In the beginning he was so charming, so kind and good, helpful, he was looking for me all the time, he wanted to spend time together, talk and do things together. He had such a nice charisma.

    When I saw that he’s a good guy, I told myself to give him a chance. After a while I started to have feelings for him. He made me feel good and cared everytime I was in his presence. I thought this is his personality, a caring one. In this time, I strongly attached emotionally to him.

    After a couple of months, he started to avoid me, being ignorant. I could not understand why he was treating me so. My mind was always like: Where is that sweet and caring guy from the beginning? Why he doesn’t wants to stay together like before?

    I went to his flat and asked him why he’s ignoring me. Surprisingly, he started shouting and telling me that he had enough of all of this, not to press him anymore and no longer ask him to pay attention to me, and why I ask to be together all the time?

    When I heard, I could not believe what he was saying. I told him in that moment not to behave like that, but he didn’t care.

    I’m a very sensitive person, by the way – (thing which I don’t like about myself). I get easily hurt and every sad situation I feel it deep in my heart and mind, like something is dragging me down. He’s words hurt me so bad. I could not believe how fast he changed and how he behaved.

    After a week we talked, he told me some blah, blah, blah, explaining that he had some family problems. Even now I think those were some lame excuses.

    After I came back home, he sent me a message telling me that I wasn’t the right person for him and that I should move on. He also told that I was only playing the loving girl and didn’t had feelings for him. Of course, in this time my heart was broke.

    I replied to him the following: ,,Didn’t I get attached emotionally because of the sweet you? Why do you show so much care for a person in the beginning if in the end you brake it? In my head I had the image of the sweet you, but the reality started to show me an ignorant you. Isn’t this called emotional abuse?”

    This was the ,,breaking point” for me, I couldn’t ,,digest’ the fact that he changed so fast. According to his words, I was pressing him… but the thing is that I was searching for that sweet guy from the beginning, that’s why I was looking for him, because my heart and my mind wanted some explanations. And the worst thing from all this story, he wanted to make me feel that it was my fault, making me feel guilty for everything that happened, and that because of me acted like that. He really made me suffer emotionally.

    After I came back home, I found out that he was chasing other girl (which I know btw) and he called her to his flat and wanted to take advantage of her, but she got scared and she left from there.

    I wanted to cure my heart, so I started to find answers on internet because I wanted to understand his behavior… Do you think that this guy’s behavior expresses a narcissistic one? He gained emotional control over me by tearing apart my self-esteem, making me feel like I was nobody and giving me the impression that he’s superior.

    A couple a days ago I asked his friend how is he, if he’s fine and we started to talk a bit about what happened and he told me that it was my fault because I rushed the things and because of that he pushed me away in this mean manner. I tried to explain that I wasn’t rushing anything, I just couldn’t understand why he was ignoring me. Now I feel worse and blaming myself.

    Please help me with some answers, because I want to clear my heart and mind of him.

    Do you think that this kind of persons just want to make others suffer and use them? Because deep in my heart I felt that he just used me.

    ***For a while – and sometimes even now – I didn’t knew what to think, I was so confused and broken hearted, because I couldn’t believe that a person can harm so much another person. And there are some many other things to tell, but it’s too much for an email. I will give one example: He made me feel like nobody by showing me he’s perfectly fine and careless about what he did, I felt he’s remorseless.***

    Thank you very much for understanding,
    Best regards.
    7395

  57. I am from CANADA, i and my husband has been separated for 3 months now, he was the love of my life and the father of my 4 kids. He went out with another lady. I tried to get him back but nothing worked, I was so frustrated seeing all effort becoming waste, i was so lucky i heard about Robinson buckler from the someone. I’m so happy he was the final solution to the problem i have been fighting for almost 3 months now. I will as well like all those who are having problems such as relationship issues, fertility problems and financial difficulties or simply you need a promotion in your carrier just contact email:robinson.buckler @ yahoo . com Robinson buckler he will solve your problem with ease withing just 3 days.

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  59. Hi Everyone,

    Just recently broke up with my ex-N boyfriend about a week ago. We were only together 9 months but that was enough for me to fall so deeply due to a lot of ‘future -faking” etc. He started giving me silent treatments for small fights which were mostly ones I had to accept the blame for for peace, and would say things like “I will give you something to cry about” and punish me by leaving or just ignoring my presence without ever discussing the issue at hand even when he came back. Sometimes he would just use the silent treatment for days to stir emotions I am now realizing. At first I would blame this behavior on his recovery from alcoholism and his physically demanding job and therapy sessions. I had been very supportive and would always blame those tough times on why he was acting the way he was or treating/speaking to me the way he was. I always believed he would get better…until I googled “silent treatment” after experiencing it every month for about 5 months and realizing I could fully check off every checklist on narcissistic behavior. In doing my own research I also realized, due to my father being an N as well, I have a codependency disorder.

    Realizing this helped but also makes me feel a lot of guilt despite knowing that nothing would change since you cant really change narcissist behavior.
    I am writing because I have a ton going for me, I have a loving mother who I watched work so hard and come home to a very volatile angry person for 30 years but I still reached out to him to try to win him back. Of course he placed all the blame on me saying “You broke up with me and these are your consequences” “You you you…” even throwing things in there that weren’t true. I still begged for another chance and asked him to go to therapy with me in hopes we could work as a team. Of course, even though he baited me by telling me he loved me still and started guilt tripping me he refused to even grab coffee next week. I KNOW THIS IS A BLESSING! I KNOW THIS IS HIM REJECTING ME JUST FOR AN EGO BOOST! Due to the guilt I am feeling we peacefully parting ways (of course with him telling me that the next guy will be better than him, so I could tell him otherwise) I told him that I respect his decision and that I will not block his number in case he decides he needs to talk etc. I know this was a bad idea but at the time, I just felt that I loved this man and couldn’t walk out again due to guilt. I know I left him because it was getting extremely bad and I had to because I was losing myself but I am still feeling extreme guilt. Should I block his number anyway? Despite that I told him I wouldn’t? I just know if I hear back from him it probably will not be pretty but I hate that I told him I would be there just to disappear again. It makes me feel like the N. And the guilt is unbearable right now.

    I joined a dating site and today deactivated it because I know I have to rebuild myself before putting all my happiness into another individual yet again. My family has never really believed in therapy or drugs but I know I am codependent and would like to do my own fixing. I want to break the cycle and no longer be attracted to narcissists. How would one go about doing that on their own? It is just scary how these tough paralyzing days can creep up on you. Reading these posts are the only thing that made me feel like I am not alone on this. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

  60. I was getting somewhere after me ex pushed me away yet again.. I steered clear & started to heal slowly… 2 months in I looked on her social media and saw something that made me look back into the past to the person I once knew. She posted a pic of her in her nurses uniform (which is where she worked when we got together) and also changed her surname which she always knew I would want – but always argued about keeping her ‘ex’s’ surname.
    Both things made me want to look for the girl I once knew as a friend (we were friends first) and I sent an email to ‘close’ things in a respectful way, rather than ignore. It felt like the right time and I felt strong enough.
    However after her response – I was triggered somewhere and saw a picture of her new partner drinking out of the love mug od bough her years back..
    it was like a shot gun or something & I exploded at her. From what I read, I set myself up and walked right back into the trap.
    I’m not sure how, but I feel that the images may have been strategic? I don’t know… either way, she is fully blocked (more for my own sanity – but I’m grieving deeper then ever now. I’ve read about the whole Narc thing and just can’t read any more. I’ve accepted that this was the set up and process and now need to stay focused on my healing.. as I was through summer before I peaked at her Facebook page.
    I think I’m moving forward, but the sadness is unbearable at times. We were friends for many many years previous to our 4 year craziness.. so I think I’m grieving the friend, before I knew who she really was.
    I almost feel jealous that her new partner gets to be love bombed.. unless she has changed.
    She has moved on suddenly & what’s worse is, I saw the grooming start whilst we were still aomewhat attached.

    I know this is for the best. But I grieve a life I fought for – even at the detriment to my own self.. I lost the fantasy and my beloved dog too…
    All I can see is the 2.4 happy family unit she’s now living in. It’s like the last 4 years didn’t exist. And although I have piece of mind and a sense of real calm within my life and self now… the pain is with me 24 hours a day.. give or take an hour or so of feeling normal, throughout the days.. it even shows in my dreams..
    I have to believe this is part of the healing…?

    Thanks for writing this. I truly appreciate it..

  61. I was getting somewhere after me ex pushed me away yet again.. I steered clear & started to heal slowly… 2 months in I looked on her social media and saw something that made me look back into the past to the person I once knew. She posted a pic of her in her nurses uniform (which is where she worked when we got together) and also changed her surname which she always knew I would want – but always argued about keeping her ‘ex’s’ surname.
    Both things made me want to look for the girl I once knew as a friend (we were friends first) and I sent an email to ‘close’ things in a respectful way, rather than ignore. It felt like the right time and I felt strong enough.
    However after her response – I was triggered somewhere and saw a picture of her new partner drinking out of the love mug od bough her years back..
    it was like a shot gun or something & I exploded at her. From what I read, I set myself up and walked right back into the trap.
    I’m not sure how, but I feel that the images may have been strategic? I don’t know… either way, she is fully blocked (more for my own sanity – but I’m grieving deeper then ever now. I’ve read about the whole Narc thing and just can’t read any more. I’ve accepted that this was the set up and process and now need to stay focused on my healing.. as I was through summer before I peaked at her Facebook page.
    I think I’m moving forward, but the sadness is unbearable at times. We were friends for many many years previous to our 4 year craziness.. so I think I’m grieving the friend, before I knew who she really was.
    I almost feel jealous that her new partner gets to be love bombed.. unless she has changed.
    She has moved on suddenly & what’s worse is, I saw the grooming start whilst we were still aomewhat attached.

    I know this is for the best. But I grieve a life I fought for – even at the detriment to my own self.. I lost the fantasy and my beloved dog too…
    All I can see is the 2.4 happy family unit she’s now living in. It’s like the last 4 years didn’t exist. And although I have piece of mind and a sense of real calm within my life and self now… the pain is with me 24 hours a day.. give or take an hour or so of feeling normal, throughout the days.. it even shows in my dreams..
    I have to believe this is part of the healing…?

    Thanks for writing this. I truly appreciate it..

  62. I left my gf 2 weeks ago. At the time I didn’t realise that she may have been a narcissist (Covert type I believe). I just knew the relationship had something terribly wrong with it. The girl I fell in love with had slowly disappeared after I eventually moved in. I was very unsettled. I inexplicably started having relapses of suicidal ideation (my ex wife I believe was BPD. I tried to kill myself not long before I left her. Obviously didn’t succeed, but had a complete breakdown not long after. I think the relapses were my instincts telling me I was walking into a similar trap).

    It felt like I didn’t exist, save to give her what she wanted. Pretty much just being used. My previous marriage lowered my tolerance for disrespect. I started fights and kept trying to break up. She always found a way to keep me there. (Was funny – on 2 occasions she threatened to leave me. “You’ll have to fight to keep me” she said. Both times I just agreed and said fine, I’m moving out. I’ve never seen someone change their mind so quickly. She was fighting hard to keep me!) As the devaluation started to increase, there were a couple of incidents that pushed me too far right as I was about to go overseas. I committed to breaking up with her permanently within 24 hours of returning home.

    Her behaviour and responses after the break up, lack of willingness to accept responsibility, and the fact she was onto a new guy within 2 days (she told me all about it – he was probably on the hook a bit longer than I realised) lead me to look into NPD. The more I learn, the more the relationship makes sense. Like I can see the bigger picture now.

    It lasted about 15 months. I’m lucky I got out early. I’ve learned what she is. She’s blocked nowfeom contact now (wouldn’t leave me alone). I accept that I also let it happen and ignored my gut for too long, and that I’m equally responsible. But it’s a horrible mixture of feelings. I thought she was amazing. I couldn’t believe I’d met her. Especially after a marriage from hell. Now I don’t know what to think. Cycle from angry about being lied to, to upset that I lost what I really wanted to be real, to just being plain confused. Developed a good relationship with her 7 year old too. The kid absolutely loved me. But that’s gone too. Can’t see the kid again without getting back involved with mum. Which can never happen. Kick in the guts, but on the bright side there’s no custody battle with an emotional vampire.

    I’ll get there. I’m reorganised with a place to live. Now I need to re-engage with the world. Thanks for your website, it’s certainly helped.

    Just wanted to get that off my chest whilst I’m coming to terms still.

  63. Thankyou. I always come to your posts and YouTube videos when I’m in the dark place of acceptance. I. Am currently in AA and recovering from alcohol addiction. I miss my narc so very deeply it is like my heart has been ripped out.
    I love ready to heal and have your audio book. When I am in AA doing the 12 steps I am also recovering from the abuse. Its funny isn’t it, they aren’t sat pondering over us and worried. Pining and missing the fake reality. We are grieving something that never really was. That deeply hurts. Many issues right now but I love reading the shares in the comments of other survivors. Stay strong sisters. Xxx

    1. Hello Mel,
      I have gone through narc abuse from my ex narc bf off and on for 2 years. In the beginning, i had no idea he was a narc. He took me out to dinner, showered me with compliments, told me he never had a woman like me that i had brains, i didn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs but he does all those things, and i didn’t run around from man to man. He knew practically all about me. He wasn’t a stranger to me cause i knew his family infact, his sister and i were friends. I knew his ex wife and kids. It’s kinda funny cause we were all once neighbors back in the day.
      Back to my story, he and i live in the same apartment complex on the same floor and we are neighbors again. As i said, he one day asked me out. And i didn’t think too much of it cause i never imagined we would end up in a relationship. So i went out with him that one time. He began to move quickly in this thing. The request for sex came almost immediately, then the buying of his cigarettes, then buying food and cleaning his apartment, washing his clothes and transporting him around. After 3 months of this, it didn’t take me long to figure him out. He was always on Facebook like a predator, all the young girls, sex pictures and so on. Mind you, he is in very poor health. He is an aging Narc in his 60s. He has lost his looks, he is not an attractive man besides that, the sex was horrible .
      He could not perform maybe long enough to get himself satisfied because i never was. He has a terrible sex addiction, a drinking addiction, a crack addiction and a weed addiction. He never apologized for anything, no feeling, never any remorse, no empathy, he didn’t show me any affection, no love, he spent no time with me and never showed any concern for my values, beliefs, morals or concerns. It was all about him. Getting his needs met. So, i was the one who always discarded him. I did this over a period of 2 years. I kept going back, time and time again, having to deal with his silent treatments and dissapearing acts, his hoovering and his mind games. It was very hard in my situation because he just lived 2 doors down from me as i said. I found myself not coming home after work, to avoid running into him. Get this, his mailbox is right next to mine. I’ve studied narcissism for over 2 years. I’ve researched, explored and read just about everything i can about this disorder. He told me about his childhood and i can see how he came to have NPD. He often times would tell me i remind him of his mother and to me that is an indication of the love he never got from her. A couple of months ago, i had all i could take. So i moved out of the building. I hope and pray to God, i never see or hear from him again or meet nobody else like him. I changed my number and he don’t know where i live or where i work. He was never involved with my kids or anybody i associated with I didn’t tell him i was moving but he often come knocking on my door which i don’t respond even though he knew i was home. I’m glad to be out if there, away from him and his flying monkeys who also live in the same floor as we did. Now I’m dealing with mental healing. True, I’ve physically moved myself away from my narc ex but the mental part is hard too. That’s why I’m seeing a Therapist. I know it will take time because i never knew there are people like this who existed in this world. And in closing, I’d advise anybody dealing with this kind of person to RUN!! As far as you can. These people never change because they don’t think there is anything wrong with them. And the way they live, is the way they die.
      Oh, one last thing. They will tell you over and over again, you’re (Crazy) when you try to set boundaries with them especially when they can’t control you.

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