Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Did We Fall For A Narcissist? Part 1

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 8
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

It’s a great question – and one that if we could answer truthfully could help inoculate ourselves against another narcissist, as well as provide the remedy for others so that they never have to experience one.

There are two trains of thought in regard to the answer of this.

The most obvious answer in standard abuse communities is … because a narcissist is a consummate actor who is a con-man or con-woman.

And the second, which is the healing premise of the Thriver Community, is … because I had unfinished business. There are some emotional gaps within me that the narcissist was able to infiltrate my boundaries with and hook me with.

I believe to an extent that both answers are true.

But … there is a very important distinction and truth that also needs to be acknowledged here.

The Difference Between Staying and Leaving and Saying “Yes” and Saying “No”

Narcissists are experts at knowing how to win people’s confidence.

And, there are many good people in the world, who may have had healthy childhoods, who can initially have a run-in with a narcissist in love relationships and business dealings.

However, these are NOT the people which this Thriver Community works with, and they are not the people who need serious healing solutions.

Because people with healthy self-esteems and solid Inner Identities don’t tolerate and stay with the behaviour when the mask drops – they pull away.

This is the truth … and they do not have the need to fight back and change the narcissist and try to restore that person’s “previous glory” in order to try to secure self love, approval, survival or security.

People who have healthy self-love and self-esteem do NOT confuse abuse as love or possible successful business deals … truly.

(Initially I was NOT one of these people, and if you are reading this article there is every chance that you may have struggled with this too.)

People who have healthy Inner Identities also do not suffer the sense of agonising loss, like myself and so many other people felt, when having to disconnect from a narcissist.

These people, in stark contrast, feel relieved that they had “dodged a bullet.”

Another truth is this: the people who do get deceived in business or in a relationship (even if momentarily) if honest with themselves acknowledge they had some sort of “off feeling” in regard to the unwholesomeness of the love or business deal.

Something didn’t quite add up, or there was the gut feeling that a contract or agreement should be drawn up … but the person rationalised the need to do so away.

I hope that you can be honest with yourself, and that you relate.

These days I am incredibly honest with myself (because I know we need to be real to heal) that there were sooooo many times in my past when I ignored that gnawing feeling, DIDN’T step up to the plate and as a result paid a horrible price.

Not just in love … but in many different areas of my life.

And … my previous co-dependent, unawakened self used to blame other people for not having integrity.

Now as a recovered self who takes 100% personal responsibility – I know that my own boundaries are not anyone else’s responsibility … they are mine, and my soul is ALWAYS giving me the cues I need.

Our Soul is an incredible mechanism which is always trying to look out for us and guide us, but sometimes we don’t listen to it because we have already made up our mind that we DON’T want to be warned off something or someone.

When we do start awakening and healing, we recognise this:

Underneath us ignoring our inner alarm bells was a difficulty in trusting these feelings as “valid”, and scarcity fears … the fear of losing the deal, or pushing the narcissist away … as well as the fear of “something better may never turn up.”

As well, of course, the terror of our unhealed parts from our childhood fearing criticism, punishment, rejection and abandonment if we speak up or try to assert our rights.

 

The Difference Between Taking the FALL as a Lesson – or Not

Non co-dependent people – who have solid Inner identities, when they slip up and make a poor judgement (not trusting their inner cues and don’t assert a boundary), tend to take it as “a lesson”.

They realise what happened, they know being deceived was an oversight they could have avoided, and they don’t blame others.

They may be astounded at how people can have such lack of integrity, but they have the positive outlook to be grateful that it didn’t go any further and that they woke up when they did, and most importantly …

They KNOW they have the resources to continue on, recover, and generate a great Life.

THAT is the most massive difference.

The co-dependent (just as I originally horrifically was) does not, as yet, know that they can.

When we have pinned our life, existence, happiness and ability to feel “whole” within our Inner Being conditionally on another person or situation (ranging from a relationship to an event to a job deal) … and that is not turning out as we NEEDED it to in order to feel “okay” … then we are devastated.

Then things get extremely dangerous …

Because we can try to squeeze crumbs out of carnage.

Then our Soul and Life – which is always providing us exactly what we need to evolve toward our Highest and most Fulfilling state (God-self) – show us EXACTLY the results of this horrendous “wrong-town”.

If we don’t get the lesson, the crumbs get less and less and the carnage amplifies.

If we don’t get the lesson, our blaming and victimisation increases.

However, if we do get it and we do the work to heal the reasons why we were taken by a narcissist, then we become the people who grow and evolve as a result of what happened to us.

And … most of all “what happened” becomes the grist to develop, heal and become a more solid non co-dependent people generating a great life DIRECTLY with Life, instead of traumatically assigning False Substitutes for our love, approval, security and survival.

We grow up and become effective, empowered, happy adults … instead of powerless, needy broken inner children.

The difference in how people recover from being taken by a narcissist, and how quickly they let go, is NOT about WHO the narcissist was or WHAT the narcissist did.

Rather … it is ALL to do with how healthy our Inner Being is during and after the event.

 

How a Solid Inner Identity Changes Everything

If you are in the throes of narcissistic abuse, and / or agonising with No Contact and the regret, pain, addiction and obsessions after narcissistic abuse, then this section is definitely for you.

Just as it was for me.

When we don’t have a solid Inner Identify, it is not until we start healing and establishing one that we even really know the difference (our normal was our normal way of operating) and we did not realise just how much NOT having a solid Inner Identity caused us to hand our power away.

And in this mode, it was very easy to point our finger outwards, claiming people were terrible for not doing the right thing.

Because WE do the right thing.

But in this childish way of operating (we hadn’t grown up yet) we did not realise that people do not treat us in relation to how we would treat them … they treat us in accordance to how well we treat and value ourselves.

And just as we would never leave our cars, bank accounts and homes unlocked, it is unhealthy to assign other people as our “parents” to look after our emotions, success, survival and happiness.

As children we were powerless, but as adults other adults are not responsible for taking care of us.

Personal development and empowerment is all about healing from our childhood wounds, so that we can step up and become an adult to ourselves.

And then we start meeting other adults who also have the ability to be responsible to themselves and others, and we stop dancing with other wounded children in adult’s bodies.

And that is when we start to experience the beautiful results … the sharing of all the good stuff with other healthy adults.

Which is a far cry from being in toxic power struggles battling for it.

When we heal beyond our childhood wounds, we speak up without fear and with truth and directness.

We qualify our concerns; we make deals that protect our rights and interests and we no longer do handshakes on “whims”.

Boundaries work like this: This is the level at where I value me – would you like to meet me there?

And this is VITAL for all impactful life decisions ranging from, “Let’s create a contract for this deal” to “Sex only with a condom” to “Let’s establish a relationship and see how that goes before moving in together” and everything in-between.

We STATE it, we STAND in it, and we COMMAND it.

And we stop allowing people into our homes, bodies and hearts without evaluating their worthiness to be there.

When we have the Inner Development to speak up and command being valued at that level, we know that if people are not willing to meet us there, at this present moment of time, they don’t have the resources to be in our life at that level.

Which means NO DEAL.

Being our own authentic truth is the ultimate qualifier … because healthy people appreciate, admire and value people who love and value themselves and are direct and honest without fear.

Because it grants everyone solidness, protection, greater connection, safety and success – whether it be in business or personal relationship.

These people can strike healthy deals with us.

When no deal eventuates it’s NO loss, it’s in fact a powerful YES … because this is a clearer affirmation of what our truth would look like, and the freedom to create it.

A narcissist will take off … because what he or she wants – a person who will provide the goodies whilst having no voice, rights or the power to generate their own life independently is NOT presenting.

When we have done the inner work on our original wounds which were not allowing us to:

1) Know we were worthy of having rights

2) Speak up about these rights

3) Let go of people who could not honour our True Self, and …

4) Know we have an entire “Universe” (literally) to generate more of ourselves with …

… then (and only then) do we have the True Power to truly start creating our Real Life.

And the ever-mighty mechanics of all of Life and our Soul align and say, “Yes – thank you for clarifying WHO you are. Now let us deliver THAT.”

Before this level of development beyond our original wounds, we are still susceptible to being taken in and down by narcissists and pathological people who will NOT save us and grant us our salvation, but instead will reflect our unresolved wounds which are not AS YET allowing us to be our True Self.

 

The Difference Between Trust and Paranoia

When we have our own development, boundaries, sensibility and solidness in hand – then there is no need for fear and suspicion of other people.

Because it is never about trusting others, it is always about trying things on while we trust ourselves.

If something feels off, we speak up, we create boundaries without excuses, whining, finger pointing, demanding or feeling guilty.

We just calmly and solidly state what we need and how things go for us.

And we stop “playing it safe” or “playing games” or “trying to work out how to strategise and manipulate things in response to who our opponent is”.

This all gets simplified into this straight forward formula … we are honest, we are not afraid of hurting people’s feeling (which often really is a fear of them “not liking us”) and we don’t fear what their knee jerk reaction may be and what they could do to us, and we just be REAL!

No-one can “take us down” unless we let them into areas of our life, psyche and heart willingly.

And we have NO need to, unless we decide that it would be mutually expansive, wholesome, loving and beneficial to do so.

What happens to vampires metaphorically when you shine a light on them?

The same happens to all darkness, duplicities and manipulation when a direct honest whopping great light of authenticity is shone.

People who lack integrity and inner healthy resources unravel – they show up as unstable and unwholesome.

Then our decision to non-participate is simple.

The darkness cannot hold up. It will leave the Light.

But this Light has to be REAL … meaning there is no neediness, there is no agenda, there is no manipulation – just honesty within exploring opportunities … with fearlessness.

The fearlessness of unashamedly claiming, This is my True Self, and what I would like … SO do we have game on together or not?

But here is the clincher …  YOU have to be pure Light yourself to command this with no guilt, no fear and no pain. A still wounded self can’t fake it.

Because what is really underneath a wounded self is …

I am pretending to be authentic, honour me and value me and believe I deserve what is wholesome, successful, mutually beneficial and loving – but I don’t BELIEVE it.

I promise you that doesn’t work … no matter what mask you try to wear.

There is NO fooling the mechanics of all of Life.

You will unravel. You will not command the value of you that you want and it is really likely that you will accept dealings from people at the level that you REALLY value yourself.

I hope you are starting to get it – that NO amount of paranoia and fear and finding out about narcissists is EVER going to help you heal from or escape narcissists in the future.

In fact having this focus, which means you are ignoring the necessity or your own inner development, makes you highly susceptible to them and more pain again.

Because this was never about “them”, they are only a symptom. This is always about ourselves, and that is a good thing, because that is the only TRUE power we ever have –working within our own Beings.

The ONLY effective inoculation is: developing yourself into True Authenticity.

 

The Warning Signs Matter

I remember vividly with N number 1 and 2, the warning signs, and that I didn’t have the development to show up as authentic in response to them.

I buried the warning bells within, because I was still an underdeveloped, unhealed inner child.

I didn’t want to rock the boat. I didn’t want to risk abandonment and I did not want to feel guilty, attacked or ridiculed.

The truth was I SUCKED at honest confrontation.

Most people who enter interrelationships with narcissists are well aware that this person has some traits that are not pleasant.

And if we WERE in our power as soon as this started and confronted it to the point that would have been necessary for us to feel genuinely resolved, the narcissist would have unravelled right before our eyes … absolutely.

This is the place where healthy people with solid Inner Identities dodge that bullet, and co-dependents don’t.

I remember the narcissists in my life used to say “I am very hard on people” …and that was definitely my experience … they had insecurities and knee jerk reactions that normal people certainly wouldn’t have.

Such as an ability to misconstrue, jump to conclusions, dish out tit for tat behaviour that did not match the perceived punishment (except in their own heads) and other assorted issues and ways of conducting business and personal matters that were loose and unwholesome.

As well as dishevelled areas of their life that were highly indicative of a fractured self.

But I believed I could either live with these things or change them, or I would rationalise that there were so many other “great things” that it really didn’t matter.

When these behaviours escalated to pathological lying, physical, mental and financial abuse, insane adulterous behaviour and criminal acts … of course it mattered … it BRUTALLY mattered …

… and the warning signs had ALWAYS been there.

What mattered more devastatingly is that I was not letting go to look after my own wellbeing.

I had learnt to with N number 1, but devastatingly here I was hanging on trying to turn N number 2 again from a monster into a person who would love me safely.

Zac, my son, and I went for a walk Christmas Day 2012.

I was devastated.

I was a global narcissistic abuse recovery expert helping other people heal and here I was, taken down and hooked by a narcissist AGAIN.

I felt like a total fraud …

Zac looked me square in the eye, through my tears, and said this …

“Mum there is something seriously wrong with trying to have a relationship with a person who can’t be a normal, stable, honest adult. And you need to get to WHY you are trying to do that. You’ll do it … there is a huge gift in this not just for you, but for the entire Community. I believe in you and I know you will heal yourself again and help others even BETTER than before.”

I was gobsmacked …

Zac was right …

Trying to change “them” doesn’t work. There couldn’t be a more fruitless task than trying to force someone to love you and honour you when they just don’t have the inner emotional composition to do so.

Narcissists do not act like jerks just to hurt us – they do it because they are severely emotionally damaged beings who can’t genuinely act any other way WHEN their terrifying childhood wounds erupt from within.

Which is often …

When they feel like threatened children, meaning when their precariously fragile False Self gets triggered, they have no other resources to choose from other than … I’ll get you before you can get me.

And when we have our own unresolved childhood business going on inside US, we are more likely to cling on.

We are terrified of losing the relationship – the image that we have created in our head which was really a projection of who we wanted this person to be –  rather than acknowledging who this person REALLY is.

Whereas, when we are healthy we have the ability to feel solid, loved and whole as ourselves. And then we can let go and move on from people when their true colours appear WITHOUT the pain.

Zac’s words hit me like a thunder-bolt. I dried my eyes, got off from the grass strip we were both sitting on and broke off all contact with N number 2 for EVER that night.

Then I took ALL of my focus off trying to work him out and negotiate with him, and got to work on myself instead.

Zac and his magical words of reason. (The MOST profound words of wisdom often come from our children – our teachers.)

Within two days of Quanta Freedom Healing shifts (specifically the shifts in Module Number 2 in NARP) I had found the exact reasons WHY I was still clinging and hooked, and up-levelled them.

I never craved N number 2 again.

I was free, and very determined about my continual development to become a person who would heal to even greater versions of myself.

Similarly, a gorgeous friend of mine has been battling with the warning signs that she is feeling in business.

She is connected in business with a person who’s acting in unstable, non remorseful and abusive ways, yet her inclination was to tread water, play it safe and try to retain a business relationship with this person.

I said this to her, “What happens when we know someone or something is unhealthy and tip toe around them, don’t show up honestly about our concerns and don’t want to risk losing the relationship? Think back …” (This was not her first dealing with a narcissist.)

She countered with, “Remind me.”

I said, “It always blows up in our face, and we end up losing more. Tell me when that has NOT happened in either business or relationships every time?”

She agreed with me and that the only solution was to show up with absolute truth and then if necessary severe ties, despite loses and move on and be free to create in ways that were wholesome and a match for her energy and truth.

I asked, “What is stopping you from doing that?”

She acknowledged that her fears of making it without this person was what was causing her to cling and fear losing the connection.

Before this “ah-ha” moment, she had been convincing herself about a whole lot of other “excuses” as to WHY to retain the connection.

Reasons that were NOT the truth.

When we focus within instead of outwards … and STOP trying to resolve the disappointing other … we stop making the excuses about WHY we should be involved and we deal with the true reasons as to why we are continuing to hurt ourselves.

Which is always about our young and powerless wounds within – the parts of ourselves which haven’t grown up and healed yet.

And it’s not until we do this that we CAN break out of disappointing patterns – including abusive people – and change our Life for REAL.

The truth is this:

We will only ever tolerate relationships that reflect our own level of relationship health with ourselves.

Our relationship health with ourselves is this: How comfortable do we feel about generating love, approval, survival and security within our Own Being and with Life itself? 

If your answer is “Not at all” then you are highly susceptible to falling for and remaining hooked to narcissists, and there is a lot of work to do.

Healing our Inner Identity health – which is the True Recovery work –is what I LOVE doing with people.

This work happens intensively in my 3 Keys Webinar Group, and if you know you need help in this area, then I would love you to join me.

You can reserve your space by clicking here.

Please note: This Webinar and Private Facebook experience is all FREE and you are under no further obligation whatsoever.

And … in Part 2 next week, I look forward to sharing with you EXACTLY what the Inner Reasons are, that were set up in our childhoods, regarding WHY we fell for narcissists.

As always I look forward to answering your comments and questions!

 

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melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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43 Thoughts on Why Did We Fall For A Narcissist? Part 1
  • karinamarie77@gmail.com'
    Karina M Holt
    August 5, 2016

    Thank you for writing this.
    After being discarded by a Narcissist, I was in so much trauma and pain that I wanted to end my life. Every area of my life was devastated. I sought help, which led me to your blog and YouTube videos. I’ve learned so much. Time would not heal this trauma, but information does. I’ve since learned that my mother is a very hard core covert Narcissist. I am so relieved to learn that I can heal what she broke. I think its a miracle ! I went No Contact with her over 6 years ago, not sure whether she truly was a Narcissist or not. The Smear Campaign proved beyond a shadow of a doubt. Also, the more I learn and upgrade, the more I see the truth about how abusive and unhealthy she taught me to treat myself. I am still mourning the mother I never had and learning to be there for myself. God bless you, Karina:)

  • Petar.Vodogaz@gmail.com'
    Petar
    August 5, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    I will be on the next Webinar. I resonated with this blog entry and listened as well to the radio show. I am only in my second month post relationship with my ex who was a narcissist. I realise I have work to do with my inner self. I am a codependent, and looking forward to this journey ahead of self reflection and self improvement.

    Thank you,
    Petar

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2016

      Hi Petar,

      It’s my pleasure.

      This is so wonderful that you will be joining us all, and that you ready for this liberating journey!

      I look forward to working with you in the 3 Keys Group!

      Mel xo

  • foram71@outlook.com'
    Kevin
    August 5, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    Is it possible for someone to be in the middle ground of having a solid inner identity but still have some issues that at times get them down and depressed but they recognize them and are honest about them to themselves and willing to work on them and change? I ask because I have found it extremely easy to let go of the N in my life. Since we separated and will be finalizing our divorce this month, I have quickly become to believe within a few months that I caught a HUGE break and know to my core that this was most definitely for the best. Yes, I get sad sometimes that my children have to go through the divorce and I lost someone I THOUGHT loved me and would be with me the rest of my life, but inside I also know the N never truly loved me and that I really haven’t lost anything with her gone. In stark contrast, I have realized I have gained a gift to be free again and to rebuild my life and pursue my dreams and have a happy healthy life filled with positive relationships. As an example, I did start to date someone after 4 months of being completely separated from the N. I noticed one night while she was talking on the phone to her daughter and being very rude and short that it reminded me of how the N treats my children. The next day, as much as I realize I have fears of being alone, I told her I could no longer see her and haven’t since. I rather decided it was OK to be alone and focus on working on myself and getting myself back to a full, healthy life again. I went through alot of bad stuff as a teenager and got into the bad crowd and starting messing up my life at the age of 18, but I saw it happening, changed my mind and got away from those people, focused on my education and became very successful in my life, eventually graduating with my Masters degree and pursuing a great career. I do honestly feel that I am someone who is able to honestly look at their faults, identify them, look for ways to correct them and then implement those corrections. I am not the least bit sad that the N is gone, I am very happy to not talk to her at all (if we didn’t have children, I would never talk to her again, so just very strict modified contact). I only get sad for my children having to go through the divorce and being subjected to the N’s behavior, I don’t feel sad for the N AT ALL and KNOW I lost nothing with them out of my life. Having done a great deal of self healing and therapy long before I met the N, is it possible I am someone with flaws (of which I clearly recognize and am open to fixing) but not a true co-dependent? Thank you, Kevin

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2016

      Hi Kevin,

      this really is the deal – we are ALWAYS a work in progress.

      There is always going to be growth that we can do to have more solid, at peace and effective Inner Identities.

      I really don’t think “labels” are helpful at all – we use them because they help people understand information – but really is it ever about “how” co-dependent we are or aren’t or even how narcissistic someone else is or isn’t?

      I believe it is so much more about just realising there are aspects in our life and within our emotions that are not pleasing and we can continually grow – as a result of up-levelling our young wounds and false beliefs (doing the inner work) – to become more solid and healthy adults.

      And when we do that, we stop holding other people responsible for our life, and we stop assigning them as the giver of our life and we start generating it healthy ourselves.

      And that – Kevin – is an ongoing growth journey for life if we chose to accept our Life mission.

      The truth is if we are still triggered, if we still hurt and we still ruminate, we have corresponding parts inside us which are unresolved as yet – and if we don’t want to them to be affecting us, and if we don’t want to be continually trying to live our life despite them, there are Quantum ways to heal beyond all of that.

      That is what the NARP Program is all about – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp.

      I hope this has helped clarify for you.

      Mel xo

  • michelle@girlauthentic.com'
    Michelle
    August 5, 2016

    Hi Melanie — Your writing is always so clear. I found your work and NARP almost three years ago now. It has been a foundational piece of my up-leveling and healing, along with great bodywork and meditation. This was a nice piece that helped me reflect on how far I have come, and how much I have cleared out — allowing me to be a stand for myself. This has resulted in me being able to say “no deal”. I’ve learned I am now able to do that, and demonstrate to myself I have done good work — I don’t have to be fearful anymore of falling for a narcissist again. I know what it feels like to try things on, listen, and be willing to move on if it doesn’t feel right — rather than trying to fix things which friend of mine calls it being in “Tetrus Mode” — constantly having to work to make the pieces fit together and it gets more and more difficult. Thank you for all your work and for bringing it forth to the world. It is a gift to so many.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2016

      Hi Michelle,

      I am so pleased my information and the NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has helped you so much.

      It is a HAPPY day when we know we will never fall for a narcissist again, and that is great this article confirmed that for you.

      Ohhhh I love “Tetrus Mode”! How true!!

      Bless you Michelle, and you are very welcome.

      Mel xo

  • Koffima@yahoo.com'
    Maddie
    August 6, 2016

    Hi Melanie, thank you for your texts. They are so informative and coherent!
    I met the N many years ago, he left on no notice after months of love bombing and only recently, after receiving an out of the blue e mail from him, after all this time, I discovered your blog and actually understood what had hit me. I was terrified by how strong my reaction was to his few casual words. Then you recommended in comments section that I do Narp despite the time that has passed. So I started to do it. I am very glad I came across it as I feel it undigs all that was still digged deep down. I have discovered one hook I don’t seem to be able to “unhook” and I suspect it is one of the main reasons why I reacted so strongly to his mail. All those years ago when I was in shock and pain after being abandoned without a word, I had an out of the body experience. I met him (or his spirit, still in his body though) and we “talked”, although it was a completely thelepatic interchange of thoughts. What was absolutely clear was that we have known each other for ages, we clearly knew each other as lovers. There was absolutely no grief in this encounter, it was more like a “behind the scenes” situation, we both understood we were scheduled to meet in the play (life?). We laughed a lot and there was this overwhelming love and understanding between us as if this life was a short nuisance that temporarily parted us. Then I woke up while falling back to my body. Back then it gave me an immense relief as I understood what happened or that he himself was not against me. But with time it has become a burden as no matter what I did , I never experienced this level of connection and love. So when I heard again from him, the main thing I wanted to do was to unload this experience and share it as I felt it was very overwhelming to be the only one conscious of it. I didn’t, I broke off the contact instead as it was clear from his mixed messages that I had no partner there to talk to at this level. So, here I am again, alone with that experience that has been digged up for me after many years and this terrible longing for love and connection on the level I recall from It. I understand I must work on love and connection with myself but I also dread the thought that he will never become irrelevant or “neutral” because of the spiritual experience I had (shared with him?) . I read your article on soul contracts but however it validated my experience, I would really love to know your thoughts and recommendations how to move on further.
    Love, Maddie

    • Oxystein@yahoo.com'
      Samantha
      August 6, 2016

      Very well reasoned. But what to do when you are 64 years old, disabled, with almost zero earning potential, married to a narcissist? No personal money, no family support . Mental and physical challenges. All the therapy and inner shifts do not change that I am dependent on him for survival. It is not a failure of my “inner being”.

      • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 6, 2016

        Hi Samantha,

        Please … first of all I really want you to know that this is never about “failure” … it is really about what is or isn’t serving us – and knowing in Quantum terms that when we address the emotional self, (the Inner Identity) then all sorts of incredible things can happen in our life (that may have seemed previously impossible) as a result of the shift on the inside causing our outer life to shift to match it.

        I would love you to know that I have seen the most incredible changes in people’s lives in this Community who situations previously seemed hopeless.

        My own case was EXACTLY that too.

        What I healed was a medical impossibility to heal.

        Big hugs and pleases know we offer sponsorship in the NARP Community to people, in financial stress, who can’t genuinely afford NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

        You can apply for NARP in this way, if you wish, by emailing support@melanietoniaevans.com and explaining your circumstances.

        Mel xo

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2016

      Hi Maddie,

      it is my pleasure …

      I am so pleased that you took on my recommendation for NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and have been working at releasing and up levelling your original traumas.

      Maddie, first of all it is very important that you are in the NARP Forum, because this is an advanced NARP question that myself and the Thrivers can help you with – how to work specifically with Modules (and predominantly the Goal Setting Module) to release the deepest hooks that you are describing here, and to have the ongoing dialogue to get your feedback as we try out several processes (if necessary).

      The NARP Forum is the place for that … and we WILL work with you as much as is necessary to help you break free from this … because that is WHAT we do in there!

      Here is your link to the Forum.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel xo

  • sysetfree@live.com'
    Sylvia
    August 6, 2016

    Hello, Samantha, you drive a valid point in describing your financial situation and emotional as well, BUT there is hope!!! I am your age, + or -. I divorced a cerebral narc and then married a somatic narc during my recovering from the aftermath of tremendous abuse. The recent narc married me to spite me for rejecting him 30 years ago, and to impress his friends. Now since narc do not know how to truly love, he is rushi to be the one get the divorce out of pride. Reject me for rejecting him 30 years ago after I’ve relocated to be with him, etc. However, I am delighted to know early on in relationship what I’m dealing with. He is older than when we first meet, but extremely immature, spiteful and vindictive. So, I’ve made a resolve to end it, and move back to my own home which he tried to talk me into selling, to ensure my devastation of his demand for divorce. But then I began demanding divorce and he only cries and begs not to. I am aware it is only due to his pride, nothing to do with love. But I refuse the games and trust God and THANK God for deliverance.
    You deal with your narc according to knowledge and refuse to be his door mat. Flip the script and be safe.

  • jennifer@broadblue.com'
    Elizabeth
    August 6, 2016

    Samantha, I truly believe that if you can dig deep and leave, your disability will lessen, your earning potential will realise itself, some of your challenges (the ones that will always be present whilst he is) will go, and you will find a way to access your personal money.
    New challenges will come – but these will help you to grow- not to diminish further.
    You could easily have another 20 years to live. And to find peace, calm, quiet, solace, happiness.
    Allow yourself to imagine – deeply imagine – life without him – and how that would feel. No more fear. no more terror. No more giving up all of your energies to this black hole of a man. It is literally unimaginable at the moment – but you can change this – just by thinking.
    And this might allow you to find the second step.
    You will never realise your capabilities unless you dare to open this door in your mind.
    Dare to dream, imagine the solutions, see what comes up once he is not there terrorising your thoughts, words and deeds.

    • dancingshadow18@hotmail.com'
      Hope
      August 6, 2016

      I totally understand Samantha’s problem and from her point of view and place she is right now, she is currently unable to see how she can leave while she feels she is totally dependent on that person, especially for financial (and other emotional-relationship-related) reasons.

      Maybe if she was pointed to some success/thriver stories with a person that started in a position that resembles her own current situation could help her to believe in the hope again that change IS possible, even for her in her difficult situation right now?

      I only know it usually helps me a lot to hear from or about people who have been through the stuff I am still dealing with and who ‘made it’ and came out as Thrivers. Especially in our modern times I think many people first need to ‘see proof’ (that positive change beyond their current belief system IS possible) in order to open themselves up to the possibility to believe in, and eventually become that change themselves.

  • garycutts@hotmail.co.uk'
    Gary
    August 6, 2016

    “And we stop allowing people into our homes, bodies and hearts without evaluating their worthiness to be there.”………………this one sentence was like a light being switched on!, a real empowering statement.

  • Blueskies609@gmail.com'
    Peggy
    August 6, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    This article was great! It helped me confirm that I was on the right path with creating my boundaries and understanding what it means to do it. I’m finally loving and respecting me. Loosing my fears to really be me and not worry about what others will think, or “approve of my behavior” is so healing and exhilarating.
    I truly feel compassion and pray for the people that I observe and encounter who rage and behave so horribly. I’m so amazed and proud that I can detact.
    You’ve helped me so much! I’m so grateful your beautiful soul has reached me.

    Peggy

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2016

      Hi Peggy,

      I LOVE That you are experiencing healing and exhilaration!

      Two of my favourite words!

      Bless you Peggy, and it is lovely having you here in this Community!

      Mel xo

  • dancingshadow18@hotmail.com'
    Hope
    August 6, 2016

    Another fantastic article, thank you so much, Melanie!

    I felt my whole being resonate with this while I read it the first time and made a few notes of favorite passages while I read it the second time because you once again stated truth SO clearly and accessibly, I know I will turn back to these sentences again and will use them for further shift-work and just to help remind me where and how I want to be and continue striving for. I am still working to improve my boundaries and this article is a very good motivator for myself to keep going.
    Directly after my reading I went out for a walk and I kept thinking about your article and my head started to buzz, when I got back home I immediately had to sit down and do some QFH, and it was powerful. My body was tingling for the rest of the evening! For hours after I could literally feel how my cells were adjusting to the new space where the ‘old junk’ had blocked the flow of lifeforce before.
    You put so much clear, directly understandable truths into words and I think many people can feel strongly that you have lived through all of it yourself (and came out of it as Thriver) and that adds such invaluable credibility and authenticity to what you say and write!! You have this gift of directly reaching into the heart with your words.
    And this article reminded me again that I love how NARP combines cognitive learning and understanding with the deeper emotional aspect of QFH, I would say it helps bridge the (illusional, but so often wrongly felt as real) mind and body separation for a unified healing.

    • winespell@gmail.com'
      Deborah
      August 7, 2016

      Hope,

      I really enjoyed reading your post. It was incredibly intelligent, articulate, heartfelt, uplifting and exhilirating, and it put into words much that I felt too from reading this article.

      • dancingshadow18@hotmail.com'
        Hope
        August 7, 2016

        I decided I need to comment on this 🙂
        Thank you, Deborah. No one has actually ever before in my life praised something that I ‘did’ like you just did, this really means a lot to me.
        I know that NARP is all about oneself becoming THE source for good things for our selves and making us independent from ‘needing’ outer approval, which of course doesn’t mean we should shut us off from accepting good things coming from the outside — ironically, as I find out for myself more and more, once one starts healing, one develops a healthy way of being *ready* for quite the contrary (the GOOD way of *receiving*, with no bad side effects) LOL! BEFORE I started NARP my self esteem had been so depleted, I would not even have had the capacity to truly *accept* a praise from someone else, without questioning its validity and honesty and the fear that other people would only ever pretend to be nice because they wanted something from me in return or a dark voice in my head telling me I did not really deserve this or that, etc.
        I actually see the the proof that I am uplevelling, I learn to accept that I can actually ‘be and do’ things ‘right & good’ (which felt almost impossible to me before NARP) AND truly accept the genuineness of your lovely words (and Melanie’s, too, of course) 🙂 This is a milestone in my personal development, thanks for being part of it.
        More positive power to all of us! 😀

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2016

      Hi Hope,

      thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed it.

      It is powerful to take deep resonating “passages” to shift work … that is one of the loveliest ways I also love to combine informational and transformational healing!

      Lovely it clicked into place for you and you were able to access some massive DNA shifts as a result.

      That is Quantum Healing at its best!

      Hope, I have lived through it and continue to live through the releasing of outgrown parts to become “more” of Who I Really AM … as a constant life mission that I adore … and it it wonderful that I can share this journey with others on the same path.

      Totally blessed!

      Its sooo awesome you are understanding how to create unified healing!!

      Great job, and thank you for your wonderful post.

      Mel xo

  • Katieshopsalways@aol.com'
    Katie
    August 7, 2016

    Great article!

    It seems that as we get healthy, we notice that there are a lot of people who wear masks! Oh my goodness…

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2016

      Hi Katie,

      and that can be the focus, until we realise that this is not helping us or even them ..

      What allows and starts healing “everyone” to take their masks down is when enough people show up as Authentic.

      Keep yours off, and heart open and be truthful and real and then see how people start meeting you there.

      Mel xo

  • nancymariec.nc@gmail.com'
    Nancy
    August 7, 2016

    Melanie ~
    Thank you so much. You have brought me so much clarity and healing.
    I have been in a 4 and a half year relationship with a cerebral narcissist. That is after having a 25 yr. marriage to a man who was not a narcissist but controlling and verbally abusive. There have been many times when I say I have to leave him, but haven’t been able to, and we do have many fun times together, which i use to justify being with him even though the verbal abuse is getting worse. Im an empath, grew up in a home in which there was a lot of verbal abuse and I learned to be sweet and perfect all the time for fear of dislike, and abandonment.
    This past Sunday I had a bit too much wine, had pms 🙂 and I let it out and was disrespectful to him.
    He broke up with me the next day via text and two days later blocked me from all social media. Today he sent me an email and said he forgives me. But I really only had one bad day…. and he knew the silent treatment would just torture me. I’m trying so hard to be strong and do no contact. Your YouTube videos are giving me strength! So thankful I found your site!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2016

      Hi Nancy,

      you are very welcome.

      I am so pleased you have found this Community too!

      Nancy, please know that until we clean up the original wounds it is very hard – we are trying to manage traumas by not breaking No Contact, but if we truly self-partner and meet ourselves inside, then we up-level.

      Then … there is no longer the pulls, addiction or pain.

      That is what True Healing is about.

      I’d love you to join me in the next Free Webinar Group so that you can stop trying to manage the pain and heal beyond it and be free of it for real.

      It makes a huge difference http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • winespell@gmail.com'
    Deborah
    August 7, 2016

    Bravo, Melanie! Of all your excellent, inspiring and highly informational articles this one is especially exceptional and strikes me as almost manifesto-like in its razor-sharp clarity and power. Even after we heal from an N the journey is, in a way, just beginning as we face our core personal issues of insecurity and dependence that got us involved with the N in the first place, issues that don’t simply vanish once the N is gone but rather come to the surface and become a lot more apparent.

    We need to hear these words of yours as much “post-recovery” as when in the throes of the emotional pain.

    Right now I’m going to do the goal setting module to clear my anger and upset about a simple event that didn’t go the way I wanted it to and which meant so much to me because I’m starting a new job on Monday. I realize that at the root of the upset is my inner insecurity. So my goal for the shift will be not to just feel happy and relaxed again as I thought at first, but to feel secure and included and accepted just as I am and for who I am.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2016

      Hi Deborah,

      I am so pleased you felt this article.

      I agree with you entirely – that the N was only a small part of this – our entire evolution and becoming Who We Can Be … is what is really at stake here, and N’s are really just the push to get that journey going.

      How wonderful you are ON IT …. doing the journey of confronting ever part of you inside that is limiting … in order to recreate your Inner Identity and up level your entire Life Experience.

      Because that’s when Life and joy becomes more and more magical every day.

      Even the triggers are magical – because they are all leading to the next breakthrough …

      Which you are about to have.

      Bravo to you Deborah,

      Mel xo

  • Girl_tuesday27@yahoo.com'
    Kg
    August 9, 2016

    My son has never met and will never know his father – all because I was a half-healed person who woke up to the abuse during my pregnancy. I went no contact.

    I’ve done the work. I stayed in my integrity and I took him to court. I was awarded declaration of paternity. I had the birth certificate amended. I could claim child support (still waiting on that one to show). His father is not poor and has three other children he provides for.

    But my son will probably never know his biological father, and I just can’t seem to shake this bliss of my son ever coming along coupled with guilt that I have to protect him from his own father. This gratefulness for not having him in our lives coupled with how can a human being not want to know his son? This anger at the other woman taking him back, coupled with my self-protective ego that never shuts up because she helps him to abuse his own son. I swing from wonderful days to days where I grieve so badly for my son. He didn’t deserve this. I made the mistake. He didn’t deserve this.

    • Girl_tueaday27@yahoo.com'
      Kg
      August 9, 2016

      I must amend that to say that my soul knows it wasn’t a mistake. Even if my son chose this life, he deserves so much more love and respect that a father should give. Maybe I’m grieving my own crappy (but present) father. Maybe I should stop saying should.

      • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 10, 2016

        Hi Kg,

        we truly can’t change what happened, but we can certainly change our emotions in regard to it.

        And that is the true recovery work for us and our children … to shift up and out of the trauma, pain, regret and resentments that no only affect us – but also them.

        Cognitively it is very difficult to just “decide” to do that – most people require doing the work on the internal traumas to get a body shift and after doing that we just don’t have those regrets anymore.

        I would love you to join me in my next Free Webinar Group to learn how to do that.

        Because that is a powerful way you can get free.

        http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

        Mel xo

  • Cortniepatterson@yahoo.com'
    cortnie81
    August 10, 2016

    I started NARP to to put a stop to this endless cycle of me allowing others to hurt me by not being true to myself. I knew before things started to go south with anyone in my life that I was allowing what shouldn’t be allowed to happen. I wanted to be that friend everyone could count on, I wanted to be the coworker everyone can depend on, I wanted to be that sister/aunt family could rely on, I wanted to be that girlfriend that would never be forgotten. I actually thought this was normal but found myself to have temporary happiness and burnt out. I notice I was getting the raw deal at the end of the day. I noticed no matter how much I sacrificed it wasn’t good enough. I thought I had control of it all. That was the problem “control”. I can only control myself! I knew I been thru things in life that were unfair but was convinced “I’m doing pretty good so I made it out OK”! “Wrong”! I was furthest from the truth! Truth is I have major work to do. Truth is my inner self is screaming for me to pay attention, acknowledge and be one with MYSELF.
    The real Truth for me with having NARP in my life is I’m no longer a fool to self. You can’t trick your inner being everrrrr. Everything anyone will need to change their life and be who they truly are is in NARP! You just have to do the work! Its a continuous process! I learned I can’t do it for a Lil while, feel Lil better and think “omg, I got this, I’m good”! I had such great breakthroughs in my first few weeks that I somehow managed to slip up and assume I finally had control over me. Well, let me tell you nope not true. I’m far from where I need to be but damn it I’m doing better then where I was.
    Reading this article helped me some more by not being hard on myself for somehow creeping into the arms of N #2. At first I had no idea how that happened but I do know. I have much more work to do. I was embarrassed for a little while even kinda avoided the program a little bit and buried myself back with working. Then I snapped out of it logged on and been back on it every chance I get. If I can’t shift, I will read, if I can’t read, I will listen to a blog, if i cant listen i will write something and get back to it. Somehow someway I work narp into my daily routine. I have a demanding job, I’m going back to school, I raise a nephew who keeps me busy but I will not, will not make anymore excuses of why I can’t get some NARP work done.
    My point of it all is this: if Melanie convinced herself she was a disappointment for getting involved with N #2 and just gave into that feeling an stopped her work with NARP then there wouldn’t be no new webinars, articles, blogs, new modules, thousands n thousands of more people thriving n no more me working on myself. No matter what anyone went through, what you lost, how hard the struggle is, how busy ur life is, or even if u feel you finally have control please don’t ever stop. Pick up where you left off and you will find a way to make the changes you truly want and desire. This program doesn’t only work for people who were abused by a Narcissist. In fact, this works for any unhealthy situation you get involved in. This program opens up your mind and soul to you realigning with your inner self becoming one again and when that happens no situation will bring you down again.

    Sorry for the long post fellow Narpers. Melanie thank you so much for this gift you have given me. Like I said, I have a long way to go but I see the light and I know I’m going to be alright!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 16, 2016

      Hi Cortnie,

      Wow, it is totally exhausting trying to be everything to everyone.

      How wonderful that you STOPPED and have turned inwards to granting yourself love and support.

      Oh, yes Cortnie, it is so true that when we start doing the Inner Shifts that we can get such quick relief that we think we are “done” … yet the process is so about self-partnering and recognising when we are triggered and / or negative emotion arises and doing the work to keep inwardly evolving and freeing ourselves.

      Rather than having to wait for a bus to flatten us totally again!

      I totally agree Cortnie, that when we are here on this earth for a BIG journey and we haven’t yet released what we need to, in order to access that path – another A.I.D. (Narcissist) may need to show up to propel us to get this work done.

      I am forever grateful for N number 2 … like you , I had MORE to go!

      You are doing great Cortnie, and you are going to better than “alright”!

      Truly …

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Rose
    August 11, 2016

    I am really crashing. 🙁

  • johnwoods519@tpg.com.au'
    John
    August 12, 2016

    This makes so much sense to me and is exactly what I am going through.

    Problem is I fear being alone so I will put up with anything that anyone does to me, I know that is sad but that is the way I feel

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 16, 2016

      Hi John,

      Its awesome your re honest about this and recognise it.

      BUT – in no way does it HAVE to be like that forever!

      That is the way it will stay and be that “prison”, hoping someone can come along to “heal that” – (which won’t happen) until you do the Inner Transformational work on that – to break free.

      All of us, without exception, had painful dependency programs or such keeping us in the game, that we would not have been released from unless we confronted it and did the work on it.

      Come into my next Webinar Group if you have had enough of this playing out …

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • christinem8312@gmail.com'
    Christine
    August 16, 2016

    Mel,
    Although I have only gotten through Module 2 of the NARP program, the immediate shifts in my emotional and soulful Well-being has been profoundly obvious to me and those who love me. Initially, I thought that my recent experience of 10 months would be the scope of healing. Yet, to my delight, he was only the catalyst to healing the Inner Child wounds which were a result of a very mentally ill mother (one of her diagnosis was Narcissistic with Grandiose behavior). When she died in 2013, I felt incredibly guilty for being free to be me! I consciously chose to begin taking care of ME, despite not knowing what it looked or felt like. I believe that my last relationship was brought to me to gift to me my True Self. I don’t recall HOW I came upon your information and I am eternally grateful to have followed my inner promptings to get the NARP program and begin healing. I’m amazed by the outcome and feel that the success of the work is in DIRECT proportion to my commitment to discover my authentic Self. I aready have seen right through a Narcissist within minutes of our meeting. It was easy to remove myself from further involvement and, for the FIRST time, I was/am guilt free for taking care of me by upholding my boundaries! These new lenses I see life through are FANTASTIC, wonderful and life is so much fun on this newfound path. Thank you for validating my belief that our trials are not just for ourselves and they’re meant to be shared in order to offer others a clear way to their own enlightenment. Much love to you, Miss Aussie!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 16, 2016

      Hi Christine,

      I am so happy NARP is helping you transform so quickly.

      It is so true that when we start doing the tracking through our body to our subconscious we find the ORIGINAL wounds which are NOT about the adult abuser …

      They are actually in replay …

      How wonderful that you have got to real cause, instead of just trying to wrestle with the symptoms.

      Yay – I just love that you are emerging as your True Self where the narcissist loses all power and you start being in the world in authentic ways ..

      (As we do without our wounds!)

      Awesome 🙂

      Much love back to you Christine 🙂

      Mel xo

  • pippa_007@yahoo.com'
    again
    October 28, 2016

    it happened to me twice too. N1 was 3 years and took 3 years of therapy to get over. i was so smug about how strong i was, and such a perfect woman because i did all the ‘work’ required. how i got into another scenario is still a mystery to me and i’m looking into myself. but this is fresh. N1 was a psychopath, malicious and evil. N2 was a histrionic, infantile borderline and the last 6 months of my life have been confusing and painful. he was so different: caring, submissive, extremely emotional and heartfelt but could not deal with any accountability. as soon as i felt joy with him again he’d create drama and disappear. it was baffling. i’m dealing with the fallout now and going through it all again. baffled. at myself. and at this weird weird man i never expected to be in my life.

  • biparun@aol.com'
    Stephanie
    February 5, 2017

    Hi. I am a middle-aged woman who has never been in so much pain from heartbreak and abandonment than when one day my narcissist boyfriend just texted me to say its over, one day after celebrating my birthday with a card that said how much he loved me. I was dumbstruck. He said I was the best thing in his life and how much he loved me (yeah, I know.)
    I immediately wondered what it could have been that I did wrong. I couldn’t sleep for months and even to this day, 2 yrs later think about him everyday. He never said, I’m sorry, or I still love you. I told him how upsetting this is and how I can’t sleep and his only response was “life is unpredictable”(period)…I was discarded like a used toy and he never looked back or wanted to meet and talk about it. I just couldn’t believe that someone could hurt me that much. I am healing and Melanie thank you for your great program. I realize its not me, but him. One thing that helped me realize how he lured me in, and manipulated me for his year long ego trip was to write down all those lines he said that at first I believed (how I was the best thing in his life, how his wife cheats and is the devil himself, poor him, etc) I wrote down about 25 lines he gave me over the year and when you look at all of them in a row, you realize what a lying manipulative asshole he was. Its almost comical. I feel stronger now, but never did I think a breakup with a narcissist would ruin my mental sanity for years. Still healing but feeling much more in control.

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