Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Doesn’t The Narcissist Care About Me – Part 2

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Last week we did a deep dive into why narcissists do not have the ability to genuinely care when we are in times of need.

And why they switch off, detach, get angry, act weird or diminish the people they are supposed to care about the most, when they’re ill or in challenging times.

This week, Part 2, is about the realisation that we can’t force the narcissist to care.

And how we can learn to care for ourselves in the face of this.

Our Anger and Disbelief

This is tough, not to get emotionally derailed … it is tough to not expect someone to do the right thing.

After all, we have been brought up to believe that care and compassion for others are normal human components, and we can truly be forgiven for thinking that being available for others in need is “normal”, decent” and a “baseline requirement”.

It comes as a shock when we discover, as far as certain people are concerned, it isn’t.

Or, for those who have grown up in families with narcissists, it may be a devastating reality to accept that the people who are supposed to care don’t – or only did when it suited them.

As children we were totally unable to be a healthy level of love, approval, security and survival to ourselves … we were totally reliant on our role models for these commodities.

For those who did suffer narcissistic abuse as children, or parents parenting in unconscious ways that compromised our Inner Identities, the wounds of not being cared for healthily may be a legacy that has extended as childhood into adulthood – having experienced more of the same from other people – unavailable others.

And maybe as a child, the deficient emotional care you received wasn’t necessarily because your role models were self-absorbed and narcissistic …

Maybe they were too busy trying to survive and provide. Maybe there were other family members who had special needs who took the attention away. Maybe your role model was suffering an illness themselves and simply did not have the resources, energy or strength to provide essential emotional care and availability to you.

Maybe your caretakers had been brought up with the tough “get up and get on with it model” and thought that the best they could do was instil this within you as well.

We can get all snagged up in trying to hold others responsible for “not caring”, but the truth is the only way now to change the levels of care we receive in our life is to STOP trying to hold unavailable others responsible.

Because …

Hurt people hurt people.

Sick people make people sick.

And … if they had the resources to do better and “care”, they would.

When we understand that we have no power to change or fix anyone who is NOT us, in order to try to create a different life, then there is only one way to get “cared for” – develop and up-level ourselves to become a generative force of authenticity – a person who knows how to ask for, create and receive healthy care, and can leave alone those who can’t meet us at this level.

As a child we were powerless to do this, as an adult we are not.

And our freedom and power involves letting go of the anger and disbelief about people who can’t and don’t care.

Because when we are still playing that stuff out – it is always because we are still holding others responsible, rather than being responsible for ourselves.

For all of us who come across someone who does not care, does not have the resources to, and who can literally kick you when you are down or abandon you in times of need, there is two ways this can go.

The first version is … we get all righteous and indignant.

We lecture, we prescribe and we try to force this person to “get it” whilst being deeply in anguish, despair and often RAGE that this person is not providing for us what any NORMAL human being should or could.

The second version is we are orientated toward and goal-driven to heal and develop our own Inner Identity, and become a solid and calm generative force to ourselves – not precariously positioned on any specific person providing that for us – and we are determined to stay true to our values and we walk away.

 

Our Righteousness About How Caring We Are and How They Aren’t

It is such a common thing to be in the throes of righteousness, and what we did for them and what they didn’t or don’t do for us.

I know all about this … I used to be there too!

This is what some Facebook members wrote about this …

“I gave support, friendship, loyalty, love, compassion etc. and changed my ways to fit what my friend told me would make her more comfortable. In return I got contempt, indifference, devalued, the silent treatment and told I take things personally, I’m too intense and demanding etc. And she turned her back on me when my mum passed away last April. Yet she is so supportive and caring to others. I’m the friend that came through for her and I’m the one she treats like rubbish.”

“I waited while mine was in prison .. did everything for him … the list is endless. He got out and abused me and cheated on me and left me. I have no support and no care when I was the glue that was holding him together when he breached parole and went to prison.”

Righteousness is truly one the most destructive emotions we can experience, and it only serves to keep us stuck in pain, as well as makes us targets to receive more pain and suffering from non-caring others.

Righteousness is another word for resentment, and I did a whole Thriver Tv episode on this. If you haven’t already watched it, this may really help you understand.

Righteousness, sadly is promoted as a human value that serves us, yet it doesn’t. It keeps us emotionally bonded to abusers, handing power away and only serves to hold someone accountable for the emotional state that we are not providing for ourselves.

This is INCREDIBLY fruitless when we are dealing with a narcissist – because we are trying to get a wounded adult child, who is never going to face and heal their wounds and therefore change their beliefs and behaviour, become a healthy person who can respect and treat us healthily.

And WE stay stuck in our wounded inner child trying to force the narcissist to be “a parent” to us who will “this time” do it differently.

The only parent to us is now ourselves, and this is where we need to grow ourselves up to move past dangerous and self-destructive co-dependent reliance and powerlessness. And we need to stop programming our children to believe in “righteousness”, and trying to hold incapable, unavailable others accountable.

Clearly if we are trying to hold the narcissist accountable to care about ourselves or our children we are in totally precarious and uncontrollable situations.

We are trying to control the uncontrollable. And the more we have the conditional living focus of: “Unless I hold you accountable my and my children’s lives can’t change”, the more we and our children end up emotionally controlled by the situation.

Then what happens regarding our care for ourselves and our children when we are stuck in the anger and resentment of righteousness?

This … every moment we spend fixated on the narcissist having to do it differently in order to feel okay, means we are not going to be okay.

And if we are not okay, our children are not okay.

And … every moment of that is emotional fuel burnt and wasted with no result other than more suffering … where instead we could be deeply self-partnering, healing and caring about ourselves and our children and becoming a healthy force who can generate an amazing life.

Which is actually the only solution and way back to health for us and our children.

When we try to hold other people responsible for the love, healing and care that we are not granting ourselves – we are handing our power over, and stuck in the personal stories of “you define me”.

No people do NOT define us – we define ourselves.

And when we realise this truth, we don’t claim our power angrily (that is still holding others responsible and being angry that they didn’t step up) … rather it is an evolved wisdom to realise this …

This is not personal – you are simply so wounded that you do NOT have the resources to and I don’t need you to – because I can develop myself to have the resources to generate what I need and want with life.

 

Seeking Self Substitutes

So many human programs and beliefs and conditioning have not served us. Such as …

“A good woman stands by her man.”

“A good man stands by his woman.”

When is love not only blind but also intensely self-destructive?

Where is our education regarding the essential deal of needing to love ourselves, and realising that allowing abusers to continue abuse is NOT loving them either?

Why weren’t we educated to realise this has been happening … “It’s okay to be an abuser because whilst you do, I will stick around and take your abuse.”

Neale Donald Walsh takes this one step further … “To allow an abuser to abuse is an act of abuse toward the abuser.”

This might be a really hard pill to swallow. But truly, I see the results of true love with addicts in programs when their loved ones state, “I love you so much I will not stay to see this anymore.”

When people left them and stop enabling them – THAT is when (and only when) certain addicts chose to take responsibility and got clean and sober.

I thoroughly believe that the entire narcissistic community left to their own devices with no-one left to be their source of narcissistic supply (energy) or punching bags when trying to offload woundedness, would either finally face themselves and take responsibility for their inner wounding , or they would die out without spreading their psychic dis-ease further onto others.

The only way narcissism is going to end is NOT by trying to force them to be accountable (we can see the world-wide results of that futile exercise in human history) … rather it is going to happen when people stop STICKING AROUND for it.

And we stop sticking around for it when we develop ourselves enough to be our own Source of love, approval, security and survival.

Now please know sticking around means sticking around – no matter how much you are complained, fighting back or whatever you are doing – sticking around point blank enables the abuse.

And, in fact, fighting back provides the abuser a copious amount of narcissistic supply, which certainly does not allow them to be with themselves with no-one to project onto in order to avoid facing their inner wounds.

It would be a very different world if our curriculum HAD been about healthy boundaries, detaching and leaving people alone with their wounds that cause them to be abusive … because then some awakenings and genuine reform may actually have the space to take place.

Logically we think fighting back is the way to go. Emotionally nothing could be further from the truth.

In a world where people have been taught to disconnect from emotions and live in logic – we live in “potential” and “what we want”, but fail to recognise the reality of what is happening now.

Our emotions are always our GPS letting us know if we are in healthy situations or not, but our head jumps in to dismiss this, and makes excuses and justifications to match the reality it wants to produce, such as “this person was so caring at the start”.

(Regardless of the fact I was sobbing for hours last night because I was so devastated by their behaviour.)

And the truth is, we are invested in the reality that we want to believe – that this person is going to grant us the love, approval, security and safety that we so desire – ironically and tragically the love, approval, security and safety we are NOT granting ourselves by staying with them.

The very love, approval, security and safety that we do not know that we are capable of co-generating with life yet – in healthy, empowered, expansive and even exciting ways.

Until we heal those inner parts of ourselves, who are clinging on like a dependent child, we are HIGHLY susceptible to hang on whilst being abused.

 

If I Care About Me Fully – Then I Will Never Have Anyone Else Who Will

When we have assigned a False Substitute as our Source of Self (which means anyone other than ourselves as adults) we hand our power away. We will cling and we will not seek to self-partner ourselves.

We may even feel that if we self-partner this means we will never love another or connect to another – that we will become “an island” or “a hermit” – self-sufficient emotionally, yet lonely and disconnected from others.

This is NOT true … genuine love is too big to keep to yourself, and when you are genuinely filled with love, approval and feelings of healthy expansiveness and confidence in life – you EXTEND outwards in empowered, genuine and healthy ways.

You stop people pleasing and fitting in with others people’s identities and agendas trying to earn love.

You stop dismissing red flags because of neediness, and you feel whole and healthy with or without a partner.

And then you become a magnet for love, because you share genuine love and joy which generates more love and joy, and you easily attract people who are also full and healthy.

Because you have a well-stocked healthy resource of love inside of you, false love and non-caring love is NO longer acceptable to you.

Why would you buy and eat poor quality food when you are a wonderful cook of top notch cuisine.

The truth is you don’t.

I want to share with you a breakthrough that one of the 3 Key Members experienced in the last Webinar Group – which is all about what we are discussing in this section …

“Wow … when doing Workshop Number One I met my one year old little me. Since I am doing these workshops here, when I ask what is this about sweetheart? I get feelings and direct answers, instead of only feelings.

Now the little me is talking to me. This time he told me: ‘I am sad that you are not here for me. You look somewhere else but I am right HERE. Why don’t you see me? I am here. I miss you so much. I love you so much but you don’t see me no more. Please come back to me and love me again….’

This brought me to tears. I realized that I was looking outside for something I only can give myself. And this came up when following the wound of the desire to reconnect with the N. I WAS looking in the wrong places and the desire to connect with the N. was in truth the longing to connect with my inner child again….wow, blown away……I apologized, cuddled and held the little me. It feels so good to be reunited again….this work is magical. Thank you Melanie and everybody else here!”

 

How to Release the Agony of Not Being Cared For

This Member wrote these requests on Facebook …

“ … More about having the presence of mind to stop/pause in the middle of a situation, and reflect why we’d feel that common tug or pull and have the presence of mind to take a different course of action …

 … equipping us thrivers with the right to feel our feelings, and then let our conscious mind decide what to do about it. What would really be helpful is a combination of goal setting and suggested things to say in situations where an N is doing their best to manipulate. Maybe not an exact script, but maybe so …

… Words that let an N know what our boundaries are and consequences. How to say those things, in the heat of the moment, backed up with consequences …

… I’m now ready for some real tactical things to say to reflect I’m honoring me, and giving them the option to choose their path, and we may not be a fit. But, I’m finding the words coming to my mind clunky …

I want to break this down, the key parts – a part at a time …

More about having the presence of mind to stop/pause in the middle of a situation, and reflect why we’d feel that common tug or pull and have the presence of mind to take a different course of action.

The stopping and pausing part before responding is so important – because it gets us into our power and into our bodies, and I will address that later in this article …

Equipping us thrivers with the right to feel our feelings, and then let our conscious mind decide what to do about it. What would really be helpful is a combination of goal setting and suggested things to say in situations where an N is doing their best to manipulate. Maybe not an exact script, but maybe so.

It is very true that if we do the inner development work with ourselves that it is much easier to be able to show up and SAY what you need to in the moment. Because then you will NOT be triggered and derailed intensely – which naturally causes all maturity and power to be forfeited.

Words that let an N know what our boundaries are and consequences. How to say those things, in the heat of the moment, backed up with consequences.

The truth is boundaries and an understanding of “where I stop and you start” and “what is necessary for you to meet me at my level of truth” works with people who do have the resources to recognise and work with boundaries.

People suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder don’t, because their very survival (the necessity of narcissistic supply) depends on violating boundaries, enmeshment and fusing with you in order to extract narcissistic supply.

An insistence of boundaries will only cause a narcissist to use more tactics to get you to take your boundary down, or if you have shored up all those gaps to prevent that happening, the narcissist will devalue and discard you or detach from you and get narcissistic supply elsewhere.

He or she CAN’T be in the game with you anymore.

It would be much easier for you to simply detach and leave, or plan your departure after the first bout of the narcissistic defences.

Because why on earth would you bother with the emotional, psychic, mental gymnastics of having to always be SO in your power, whilst walking on broken glass and having to reinforce more and more boundaries with someone who just does NOT have the resources to care for you?

It is by laying healthy boundaries that you see the clear cut evidence of who can up-level with you and who can’t.

People – even those that may have been unconscious, selfish and underdeveloped – when a healthy boundary is laid can sense the truth for you and the knowing you are solid in it, and that you inherently are allowed to claim emotional rights for yourself.

Narcissists will simply do the “three-ring circus” that narcissists are famous for – they will blame, attack, play tit for tat, guilt you, shame you, have a childish tantrum, abandon you … anything and everything that has no respect for your feelings, boundaries or emotional rights and takes no accountability and has no understanding or remorse for the behaviour that caused you to state your boundary in the first place.

How do you get a narcissist to behave?

You CAN’T – that is the answer!

Narcissists only “behave” (stop acting out) in your life experience when there is total detachment, you no longer care about them, and you’ve starved them of narcissistic supply.

They stop hurting you when you no longer exist to them as their drug dealer and they have got another source elsewhere.

That is when there is NO payoff for them to play up and try to twist and turn you.

Silence speaks volumes, as does generating your own life healthily without them. You want a narcissist to detach, NOT attach, in order for you to get well and your life to open up into well-being.

Be what you want to receive … detach fully, heal yourself and generate a life that is in no way reliant or dependent on what the narcissist is or is not doing – in other words become a full source to yourself who no longer CARES about the narcissist’s antics and is capable of speaking up honestly in life, generating your needs and living an authentic life connected to other authentic people (with you leading the way by being authentic) and firmly letting go and moving on from those who cant and don’t.

I’m now ready for some real tactical things to say to reflect I’m honoring me, and giving them the option to choose their path, and we may not be a fit. But, I’m finding the words coming to my mind clunky.

I cover this in my latest video – Boundaries Part 2, also in this video is information regarding the first pointMore about having the presence of mind to stop/pause in the middle of a situation, and reflect why we’d feel that common tug or pull and have the presence of mind to take a different course of action.

 

The Practical Responses

I addition to what I wrote above, and my video, I do want to help you out with some statements that can be very empowering in the moment …

(These work with people who have got the resources to honour boundaries.)

Let’s get our understanding of boundaries straight first …

In order to set boundaries we need to be able to say “No” to things.

There are benefits in saying “No”, and if we can’t say “No” and have an opinion, value or decision that disagrees with what someone else has – then we are not setting healthy boundaries.

We need to get past the guilt and the fears of self-assertion if we want a healthy life.

These are some clear cut benefits of being able to say “No”.

  • By letting go of our involvement in negativity we have the time and the energy to participate in productivity.
  • By releasing the need for others to validate us, we have the space and the energy to focus on ourselves and our own unique personal missions.
  • We attract positive situations and people, by not including negativity into our vibrational field.
  • We experience greater self-esteem and self-worth.
  • We gain greater confidence and trust in ourselves and we break through into frontiers that we didn’t previously expand out into.
  • We find other people start to love and respect us.
  • We allow others to step up to the plate which means they will have the resources to be supportive in our lives.

 

Healthy Ways to Say “No”

Okay, so now that we have realised it is imperative to lay boundaries and say “No”, we can start practicing how we can do this!

A “No” does not have to be disrespectful and feel uncomfortable. In fact when you get good at saying “No” it feels wonderful and empowering!

These are some great ways to say “No”.

  • I’m not comfortable with that

This is a great way to say “No”, because you are applying emotional honesty by honouring and expressing the truth of what your body is telling you.

  • I have another commitment

It doesn’t matter what the commitment is, it may simply be time with your family, sitting in front of the television or time in the bath! You have no need to justify or explain what this commitment is! (This is a personal favourite of mine!) This technique creates much healthier self-esteem than lying to get out of something.

  • Some things have come up that need my attention

Don’t feel guilty that you are letting people down if unexpected things happen which throw your schedule off. It’s ridiculous to offer help when your life requires urgent attention. Know that individuals will find another source of support if you choose not to be available.

  • I am not qualified for that job

If you don’t feel that you have adequate skills, it is better to admit your limitations up front, which if you don’t, could potentially turn into a lose / lose situation.

  • I need to focus on myself / my personal life / my career

You are perfectly entitled to focus your energy onto any area of your life that you wish to. Don’t feel guilty! It is a healthy self-practice to treat your personal time like any other appointment, block it off and make sure you create the time, respect and the space to take it.

  • I know you will do a wonderful job yourself

People often ask for help because they doubt their own abilities. Let them know that you have the confidence that they will succeed. You may be empowering them rather than disabling them by making this statement.

  • I know of someone who could help you

Connecting people is a valuable service to offer.

  • Not right now, but I can do it later

If you really want to help but don’t have time, say so. Offer to help at a later time or date, and if they can’t wait for you, they will find someone else.

Sooo … I hope this list helps you and gives you some inspiration to honour yourself more!

Please note the above material is from my Empowered Self Course which has three Modules and three specific Quanta Freedom Healings to heal our boundary function.

 

Not Being Cared For is Not Personal

It’s a very happy day when we break free from those agonising feelings of … “Someone not caring for me must mean I am unlovable and not worthy of love.”

That belief is NOT true … and we only make it true IF we don’t heal our young parts that felt like that in childhood, and grow them up to become our own Source of self-love and self-value.

When we feel emotionally full and whole as ourselves then other people’s choices do NOT define us.

(Breath THAT in, because it’s TRUE!)

Finally … I love what this Facebook Member wrote …

“The question I started asking myself was …….why didn’t I care about me? Why did I care so little that I allowed others to treat me so badly? And of course, the answer was – I had been conditioned not to care about myself, but to feel consumed with a need to take inappropriate responsibility for others. It always comes back to us in the end. The abusers were merely the manifestation of all our false beliefs and unhealed wounds. All of our pain and old programmes showing up in living, breathing physical form. I still have a lot of work to do, but the focus is 100% on me now. It has to be…..”

Amen to that – and that is when we come up and out and beyond the pain.

Truly …

And I’d love to help you achieve that – because that is the work I ADORE doing with people!

To experience this, come into my next 3 Keys Webinar Group, where we do intense and deep workshopping that heals and up-levels our Inner Beings in spectacular ways.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

 

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melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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38 Thoughts on Why Doesn’t The Narcissist Care About Me – Part 2
  • Rachelmagenheimer@gmail.com'
    Rachel
    March 26, 2016

    I have attached myself to Melanie’s lessons for about 15 months and I am healing following a 13 year not live in relationship
    Melanie is an absolute trooper for her community who speaks volumes of truths offering clear and concise exit strategies from abuse to people like me
    I did no contact for 11 months/he came back – guess when – yes Xmas and in fact on the day Mel published the narcs at Xmas blog !!!!!!!
    Over two meetings he told me about an affair 3 years earlier with a woman who had since died (and I knew her) I shook with shock for three days / there was no reason to come back into contact to tell me that – problem is I allowed it !!!!! I thought he did just want to say hi and give Xmas cards etc
    I of course am back into no contact and am now up levelling myself further
    I thank you Mel you have been a lifeline to my sanity Much love to you and yours rachel Xxx

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2016

      Hi Rachel,

      that is wonderful that you are No Contact again and up-levelling.

      There are such opportunities, if and when we do a break with NC, to find even deeper and more significant wounds to release.

      Then the other side is even more empowered and solid.

      Great job and keep healing Rachel!

      Mel xo

  • breathe.love.be.grateful@gmail.com'
    Nikki Weigel
    March 27, 2016

    Mel,

    As always, you wake me up a bit in each blog. And I love it! I can see where I have grown so much and self partnered and stopped looking outside myself for love and approval, where I am so much stronger in myself…and that feels great. The NARC relationship is barely there at all. I feel so much more confident in those interactions and hardly triggered. When I do, I know to turn to NARP and where to do the work.

    I think the trickier part has been seeing where in my existing relationships, I am handing over power, looking for approval, love, acceptance, etc. These are the places I am firming up now and have to remember to stop myself and self partner, turn to NARP and continue to heal because ALL of it comes from the same unhealed wounds. It may have started from me trying to understand what my ex is and how to not have him impact me anymore but what NARP is now is about knowing myself.

    It is a complete shift in thinking and way of being and takes practice. To always remember that at the first sign of trigger, pain, emotional upset, wanting to say something snippy back, wanting to explain yourself, wanting to be right, have the last word, lay down rules, scream or yell…the answer is ALWAYS, turn to me. Turn to NARP. Turn to my journal, and affirmation, a module if I have time. Stop in my tracks.

    I think maybe what the FB person was asking and what is helpful to me is what to say when you find yourself in those situation of “oh crap, I’m triggered” and someone is standing infront of you (your current love partner, your child, your boss, your sister) and you know the thing to do is turn inward…what do you say to bow out? Are their easy phrases?

    As recovering codependants…and probably in these relationships, most likely some of these people are too…when we start realizing we need to turn inward, and we want to start setting those boundaries, that first step is hard. To know what to say to get out of that pattern. That first time. To disengage and get off the ride, turn inward, come back to the same conversation at another time and address it with boundaries. Then we will see if this person can match is or not.

    This is the place I am at currently. The knowing I’ve done enough work that I KNOW my boundaries. The knowing that I’ve been codependant and I CHOOSE not to be. The knowing that I have poor boundary function and I CHOOSE to live with healthy boundary function. It is the process of moving from one life to the other within existing relationships and existing conversations that is still difficult. Maybe a video on this?

    • dancingshadow18@hotmail.com'
      Hope
      March 27, 2016

      Hi Nikki,

      I *absolutely* understand what you wrote here, you desribe it perfectly:
      <>

      This is exactly where I am right now and I guess that especially in the beginning it is really hard and scary to do something that is completely different from what one was used to do for years or even the whole life, and it hopefully will get easier over time, with repetition. I am a brandnew NARPer and just started my journey with Module 1. And I have all sorts of triggers going on every day with different people and situations.
      I know I still have a LOT of work to do, because right know I still allow other people to control me and my emotions most of the time. All I am doing is clinging on to the hope that with enough healing work, at some time in the future I will able to *be* different and *do* what you wrote here: <>

      • dancingshadow18@hotmail.com'
        Hope
        March 27, 2016

        oops, sorry, the quotes didn’t show up in my reply post

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2016

      Hi Nikki,

      I am so happy you are loving being on this expansion of consciousness journey with me.

      It is wonderful – because what more fun can we possibly have?

      And, you are so right, when we know what to do and keep releasing and expanding – it changes everything regarding our past traumas.

      And … then there is the next step – the dealing with “now” – where life is going to reflect back to us where we are still playing small and limited and hanging on – trying to turn some things and situations into what we want – even if they are showing us something different.

      Nikki – this is the next step – we are coming out of “healing for necessary survival” into “healing for maximum creativity and expansion” …

      And it’s tricky – because it is NOT as obvious, as in our face, or a matter of emotional life and death.

      We can stay limited and small – unless we have the massive breakdown that leaves us NO choice other than to up-level.

      But now – we are needing to learn not to have to change just when UTTER disaster strikes …

      Yes, so true – go inside – stop wrestling on the outside and then decide firmly “WHAT you want” and stop replaying “what you DON’T want” and what would that change need?

      You can either step these situations up – by leading the way – or you need to leave.

      An angel in a human body here does not have the time to be co-generating drama – there is too many magical things and love and joy to do.

      These additional questions I WILL be doing in future vids!

      Soon … so that you can orientate toward that breakthrough …

      Mel xo

      • breathe.love.be.grateful@gmail.com'
        Nikki Weigel
        March 29, 2016

        Ahhhhh I just love it when you make so much sense!!! I could feel a shift in myself. That it was different now. You hit the nail on the head. I’m not in survival mode anymore. I feel like I know myself more, I know what I want and I have more boundaries now. And I’m not willing to play small or settle. I want big and expansive. And if relationships fall, they fall. It’s painful and sad, but it is this life of growth and healing and I accept that to be whole and my higher self.

        I always want to make sure I am using NARP accurately to most benefit myself and as you know, this month has been INTENSE in up leveling and shifting. Came in one way and leaving a completely different woman. My relationships can’t help but feel the difference. Knowing more of how to handle those has been of great help. I see shifts now that I have words to say in the now moments and I feel I know better how to use things.

        You are THE BEST!

        Xoxoxoxo

        • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
          Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 29, 2016

          Hi Nikki,

          I am sooo pleased that helped!

          It is really true we need to be true to ourselves and who we are becoming. And this can mean we do move on from some people.

          But the beautiful thing is then our life starts to reflect, attract and generate higher levels of connections and experiences.

          Yes Nikki, this time has been HUGE for so many people and its great that you are riding the wave!

          Much love to you hun 💛

          Mel xo

  • Jupitersun@hushmai.com'
    Joni
    March 27, 2016

    Thank you, Mel, for another gorgeous post! I have question/comment about divorce and property settlement as it relates to self care. My N. Caused us to go into debt when he refused to work and he now has a high paying job and a serious girlfriend after years of marriage and 4 children. It’s not surprising that he expects me to pay the debt and he will walk away without any financial responsibility to me. I am now on my third lawyer trying to get a divorce and a settlement. If I walk away it would Feel like I am allowing him to continue to abuse me, but of course I have no control over him. I now have a lawyer who gets it, and is using the law to help me get a settlement . I made the mistake of hiring my previous lawyer who was also a N because I thought he would fight fire with fire. Instead he quit when he realized he would never get paid the ridiculous fees. My new attorney is Wonder Woman, smart , tough, sane, and fair. My question: I still get feelings that I’m relying on the N because I’m refusing to settle for his unfair offer. I don’t like feeling this way. I also don’t want to feel like I deserve anything yet I definitely don’t want to just give in. Alimony is justified and needed based on a long marriage and his abuse which kept me from having a consistent job and building a retirement. Now he expects me to get a job and make a lot of money. Whatever happens I will be ok because I am free. However, I do want my property returned to me and for him to pay alimony under the state guidelines . What advice do you have for me when it comes to interfacing with him in the courtroom. How should I dress, should I make any eye contact, and how should I present myself to a judge? I am no longer a victim and do not want to behave like one, yet I want a financial settlement that acknowledges the facts of the marriage which includes domestic violence against me and my children. He is a good looking executive who makes people believe he is right and a great person, but he easily becomes unglued with my kids who still see him . I would like him to become unglued in the courtroom so his true personality is revealed . Any advice you can give is greatly appreciated.❤️

    • Jendance1@yahoo.com'
      Jen
      March 27, 2016

      I can speak from personal experience regarding the N and how they deal with the courtroom. In a nutshell, they LOVE IT. They feel they are on stage and feel 100% confident they will win. My N did not win, however they dragged out the process, made things incredibly difficult, filed ridiculous motions with the judge, and ran up my attorney fees to they exceeded the original amount I was seeking. You may feel very drained and discouraged by your court process. Just be prepared. Judges are not trained to recognize narcissists and tend to believe their BS. Just be emotionally ready. As for attire, dress your best and do not even look in the direction of the N. They want attention so do not give it. Walk right past and do not look over. Do not respond to any remarks they make to you in the waiting areas or hallways at the court. The N loves court and wants to bait you. Don’t go for it. Stay strong and treat them as they no longer exist on the planet. Good luck!!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2016

      Hi Joni,

      You are very welcome 🙂

      my very, very first question to you is “Are you on NARP?” ..

      The reason being is no matter what we try to do ‘on the outside”, IF we have not done the work to become emotionally, solid, empowered and calm on “the inside” it does not work.

      That is the HUGEST lesson with narcissists when dealing with literally everything – and especially highly charged court, property and custody battles.

      Those feelings you mention need to be addressed in your body – we can’t solve feelings with logic – we literally need to meet them in our body, and do the healing there – and that is what NARP is all about.

      Truly darl I am not going to give you any practical suggestions that can help you – because there are NONE. No amount of doing can compensate for our state of being.

      That is why I help people heal themselves on the inside, rather than being a “life coach” (which I used to be, but I stopped once I discovered the super-tools to heal our subconscious – because of the comparable ineffectiveness. )

      It is the being that needs to be addressed and then your life (including this situation) will reflect THAT change back at you.

      That’s when you will get the results you seek.

      The following resources are all about this – and my highest suggestion is to start working NARP. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Please find the added information about this topic here …

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/overcome-pathological-lies-narcissist-win-divorce-settlement-and-custody-battles/

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/thriver-story-30-nora/

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/a-miracle-story-about-how-premi-gained-full-custody-of-her-children-thriver-story-29/

      I hope this helps ..

      Mel xo

      • puemm9yfr8@outlook.com'
        Bert
        July 21, 2016

        Really trutwsorthy blog. Please keep updating with great posts like this one. I have booked marked your site and am about to email it to a few friends of mine that I know would enjoy reading..

      • 256z0ay7@gmail.com'
        http://www./
        November 5, 2016

        AFAIC that’s the best answer so far!

  • dreabustos@gmail.com'
    Ava
    March 27, 2016

    Thank you so much for this post, Melanie! I feel so relieved reading that the most loving thing I can do for the narcissist is to allow them to grow up. Mine is a family member whom I love dearly and I have been so sad after realizing that I have to modify contact in order to heal myself physically and emotionally. Reading that modified contact is the best thing I can do for them, too, makes me feel less sad and less guilty. Thank you!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2016

      Hi Ava,

      my pleasure!

      Yes, let go.

      You are not responsible for another adult – especially one who refuses to be, and projects onto others.

      I am sooo glad you are feeling less guilty.

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    ruth
    March 27, 2016

    It is such a different feeling to receive love and care from a place of fullness and care with myself. There is something intense and panicked inside when I am needing it from the outside, like something is missing, which I am aware enough now to know, that is my cue to go in. Part of this is about being triggered and in a disregulated anxious state. The whole body is in fight flight or freeze. I am learning the difference in having the wisdom to ask for support in those times, from expecting others to fix it for me. This is the definition of interdependence, when we share our honest feelings, and through these confessions, we are healed in the sharing. But I do this sharing, without giving the burden of my state to another to fix. This is also helping me learn to share my very real human vulnerability with others, instead of being in isolation. I am finding these moments, at times, where love really shows up, because true connection and intimacy has taken place. I am also really wanting to move beyond negativity, and loops that keep me and others stuck in the mess, which is another point to wisdom. For sharing the weak spots is only one part of life, and to move through it is the goal, for sure.

    I am open to healthy multidimensional relationships that embrace all that it is to be human, with the fundamental goal, to move towards the light, to be filled with it, and transformed by it. I guess it all comes down to being a more integrated human being, that accepts all of who I am, the beauty and the ugly, the rough spots and the light spots. It is a journey, one that I am so thankful to share with you, Mel, and everyone here. Bless you!!!!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2016

      Hi Ruth,

      Awww yes – so, so true!

      It’s a horrible feeling trying to get “comfort” when we are not self-partnered (we can hardly begin to imagine what N’s go through ALL the time! And of course this explains what lengths they will go to to get N-supply.)

      Great you are working with going within and also authenticity – that is so healing.

      Lovely to have you as a part of this Community Ruth,

      Bless and much love to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Christihughes.cfre@yahoo.com'
    Christi
    March 27, 2016

    Dear Mel,

    You have helped me since November. You helped me discover who my former husband is. He was my friend for 25 years since college. We never dated because I was not interested and we were always in a relationship with other people. Four years ago, I became single and he took action. He consistently love-bombed me for four years throughout our courtship and marriage, with the occasional rage episode. We married in May 2012. Last October, I set my boundaries with him, filed for divorce and the discard from him happened. That was emotionally worse than his infidelities. Such rejection. You helped me know why the discard happened. Just this last week, I had another spell of missing him and being devastated and anguished over the discard and finding out he is hitting on people in town that I know. He is desperately seeking supply. The people he is hitting on are disgusted, of course, because his infidelities are so public because of the Ashley Madison list. That is how I found out my “perfect” husband was cheating on me. I thought the Pope would have cheated sooner than him. My former husband is an altruistic narcissist. Had the exposure of the list not happened, no one would have believed he would have been capable of this behavior. I asked if he used protection and he said, “Not with most of them.” He was very callous about jeopardizing my health with his careless behavior. I could not understand where my sweet husband went! It is by the grace of the good Lord that my test results came back normal. He miraculously did not transmit anything to me. Your posts could not have come at a better time. Each post and video seem to coincide with what I am going through. The up leveling is helping with the intensity of the grief. You helped me keep my sanity and love my inner child. It is a day by day process of decisions that are best for my precious little one inside. I am the adult now. I can reassure her that no one else is going to hurt her.

    Thank you, Mel, for your courageous upleveling and turning your horrible experiences into education for healing.

    You are doing the world a great service.

    Gratefully,

    Christi

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2016

      Hi Christi,

      I am so pleased I have been able to help you!

      It truly is about letting go of the grief and freeing ourselves from our pain and patterns.

      Fantastic thst you are self-partnering Christi!

      Bless ☺

      Mel xo

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    WJBMotown
    March 28, 2016

    Melanie, this article is just brilliant. Having read it twice and listened to the radio show, there still is so much to absorb. It makes so much sense. I love how you to take the fear out of moving ahead to take action. What a gift. The housecleaning has started in my life and my goodness…you are 100% right. The narcs have gone elsewhere to find another free meal to feast on. In a matter of weeks, new exciting people are coming into my life. My intuition is telling me “okay.”
    It all feels very new and kind of fragile. Not making any huge commitments that is for sure. I thank the universe that you are in this for the long haul and will be there for a long long time.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2016

      Hi WjBMotown,

      I am so pleased the article resonated with you … and that you are experiencing such a powerful shift!

      Wonderful!! 😊☺

      Mel xo

  • hfitzgerald6@gmail.com'
    Heidi
    March 29, 2016

    Hi Melanie-Thanks for another great article. I do have one question, however. I have been working in the modules and reading your e-books, following your YouTube Videos and all–and they all make sense and I am taking small steps toward being able to remove myself from the emails I get from my N (I share custody) regarding our kids. My struggle is understanding how boundaries work in regards to dealing with an N co-parent, because, like you said in your article, enforcing boundaries with an N is just asking for tirades and more push back from them. So, in a recent situation with me, I wanted to take my son to his friend’s violin concert and have lunch with him beforehand and this required me to ask for time on my N’s day with the kids. My N has disregarded the scheduling needs I had asked for and instead, dictated I accept a different, less acceptable schedule or nothing. In this instance, I want my son to go to his friend’s concert, but I feel that my boundaries and expectations have been abused by the N–in other words, what that day will now look like is nothing like I requested or needed. We can still make the recital, however, which is ultimately the point. Detaching so that you don’t take this kind of thing personally works better–and I am trying to be better about not feeding the N with irritated responses; however, how does one actually have a voice with an N, because you either detach and let them make the choices or you argue your case (because this is a boundary defiled) but this typically escalates things and really seems to make it worse without solution. Could you do an article or YouTube specifically for people who co-parent (I have watched your previous YouTube about co-parenting already), because I think there is a really confusing spot here where accepting his behavior to avoid the emotional trauma of dealing with him is probably better, but often times, the end result is him defining how things go for our family. Since you are on the subject of boundaries right now, could you speak to this confusion about how to lay down a boundary with an N co-parent? Or, if you shouldn’t and just try to stay out of the way as much as possible? As a person who is new to boundary making, I just don’t understand how to navigate having to make decisions about the kids and still having a voice when the N is consistently obstructionist. Thanks!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2016

      Hi Heidi,

      Co-parenting in the best way for our children is so much about leading the way …

      There are many people in this Community who after suffering horrendous battles really did have incredible shifts … and these truly are the parents who worked very hard at shifting their own traumas and triggers out of their bodies … in order to show up in the wholest ways for their kids and also in the face of what the narcissist does.

      Heidi that is the start and end point because everything inbetween comes from that … including what we can generate for our children.

      I have done many articles and even interviews with Thrivers on this topic anf if you google my name and the topic children and coparenting … these resources will come up.

      Ultimately Heidi I’d love you to come into my next 3 Keys Webinar Group and really learn how to shift and uplevel and become the powerful foundational source for yourself and your children.

      http://Www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this belps you.

      Mel xo

  • tanjathomas456@gmail.com'
    tanja
    March 30, 2016

    I think my ex narc is running low on his supply because he back trying to hover me back in. Well it not working on my end. He is getting angry by the minute because now he is not in control and haven’t figure out yet that I CARE ABOUT ME NOW. It funny that I realize that he wants me to continue to love and care about him and dismiss all the bad that he done in our relationship. But that not going to happen and that is why the no contact. He goes from 0 to 100 being angry, leaving these stupid messages on my phone stating the he done with me and that he is not going to keep trying to call and text because I’m not respond ing and I say to that, that is good because once i had stop thinking about what he had done to me and started thinking about myself, my whole being has change. I don’t need him to care about me because I care and love myself. I look in the mirror and I see me now and I love it. I hoping that he knows that I am done with him. In his mind he thinks it going on 7 days of no contact but it has been 2 months going on 3 that I haven’t call or text him. I don’t have to tell him I’m done, I’m showing him.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 1, 2016

      Hi Tanja,

      how wonderful you are detaching from him, and are no longer hooked in!

      It is so true that to demonstrate truly caring for and loving ourselves, is to turn away from those who don’t.

      I love that your actions state this!

      Mel xo

  • Ninja.bunny@hotmail.com'
    Nic
    March 31, 2016

    You write as adults we must take 100% responsibility for the false program’s/beliefs we had as children. From 6 years old my school motto was “for god, others, self”.
    We wore it on our school badges every day and the motto was constantly repeated everywhere around the school. Although I’m not a church person the message stuck with me until my narasistic abuse experience. How do I go against the authority of the Catholic Church?

    Also the school still uses this motto, should I tell them not to use it?

    Thank you.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 1, 2016

      Hi Nic,

      truly I speak regarding my beliefs and truths … and then individuals as yourself can choose and orientate towards what feels like truth to you.

      There are many people whose beliefs have expanded or even altered as they journey. Free will to choose is a personal thing, and it is never about changing anyone or anything else, it is about living the changes ourselves and gravitating towards those truths and life.

      Mel xo

  • Suejulian@hotmail.com'
    Sue
    March 31, 2016

    Melanie,
    I just wanted to say Thank you for all your articles but particularly this one and the videos on boundaries. I have never felt more confident in my decision to heal myself and start getting away from my narcissist after 40 years of marriage. I can relate to everything you stated here so well and knowing there is a way to heal, is giving me the hope to do what I must do. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the great work you are doing!!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 1, 2016

      Hi Sue,

      you are very welcome.

      That is wonderful that you are feeling empowered to break free!!

      I am SO happy for you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • tanjathomas456@gmail.com'
    tanja
    March 31, 2016

    Hello Mel,

    My question to you is my ex narc has been hovering me for sex. Only by voicemail or texts. When I don’t respond, he goes from 0 to 100 with his anger. Why does he act like he haven’t never had sex before to the point that every voicemail or text he always saying ” I HOPE THAT YOU AND YOUR NEW MAN IS HAVING GREAT SEX. ” Why is it always about sex with them? Do they honestly think and feel that sex will take away ALL there wrong doing and wipe the slant clean? And he tries so hard to convince me that he hasn’t had sex with anyone. Does he think I suppose to believe him when he and I know that he has cheated on me for along time.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 1, 2016

      Hi Tanja,

      let me start off by saying that I really never go into great detail in replies about narcissist, because I know that healing and recovery from narcissistic abuse is never about “working them out”, it is always about healing ourselves.

      He carries on like this – truly – because it pushes your buttons and grants him narcissistic supply

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-is-narcissistic-supply/

      He uses what “hurts you” because he has identified the unhealed parts that he can hit to keep you hooked in …

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-real-reason-why-the-narcissist-punishes-you/

      Your relief and release from this Tanja, is so about coming home into your own body and healing the stuff that has set you up unconsciously to be hooked into this …

      Then I promise you will be released and you won’t care less about what he does or why he does it.

      That is when you know you have healed beyond this … staying obsessed about “why” with the obsession not stopping no MATTER what you learn – lets you know you haven’t – and sadly that is where many people stay stuck.

      But you don’t need to – and that is what this Community is all about.

      To learn how to heal this within you Tanja, I’d love you to join me in my next Webinar Group http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • alexandra@blackbaroque.com'
    Alexandra
    April 1, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    I have emailed you now twice and support twice. I am sorry to bother you here but I cannot get anyone to answer me. I have not received my activation notice to get into the forums. I bought the Gold Program two weeks ago now and have been waiting since then.
    Please have someone contact me tomorrow.
    Thank you,
    Alexandra

    • support@melanietoniaevans.com'
      harryw
      April 3, 2016

      Hello Alexandra,

      Please check with your Domain Mail Server Support Technicians . I, Harry from MTE Support, have sent you a message in the Forum too.

      It appears all our email responses are not getting through to your email address. We have been trying to get the responses through but to no avail.

      So please check your private messages in the NARP Community Forum.

      Thank you.
      Harry.

  • Danae.brockett@yahoo.com'
    Danae
    April 2, 2016

    6 months of a “monogamous” relationship with the narcissist, who had an emotional affair with his “BFF gal pal” Cheryl (TRIANGULATION) he ended our relationship but we kept having sex for another two years! He said he couldn’t be with me because I had a split personality (gas lighting). I just heard (accidentally thru a mutual acquaintance that they are now living together and according to her they were “dating” a year before she moved in three months ago (that’s 15 months!) The last sexual contact (the end of the 2 1/2 yrs of sex only with promises of love) I had with him was 10 months ago! So he has ALREADY cheated on her, AND he was grooming me to be his side sex! He just changed our positions in the same triangulation!
    So…. How can he “love her enough to move her in” when he has already cheated on her and triangulated her. She thinks she is special or different then the rest of us women who he used and discarded. I know better than to try to warn her. He has already painted me as the crazy liar. I had to change my phone number, block his emails, FB in order to prevent him from contacting me.
    I’m hurt. I know it’s my childhood wounds and not really about him. But I am mad she cheated, manipulated and ended up with him!

  • varblec@bellsouth.net'
    Claudia
    April 4, 2016

    It is so hard to WANT to break away from these monsters. And I think that’s absolutely the way we have to view,them. Monsters. Something terrible to fear. For me that helps with the no contact. It was shocking to me to realize these people walk the earth and seem to get away with so much. My ex was also a child,predator using social media to lure underage girls claiming to be an adult modeling producer. And he was successful with it. I pray so hard one day he,will be in prison the rest of his life.

  • Smec1675@mail.com'
    Susan
    April 6, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    My narcissist civil partner finished our civil partnership last June after eight years. I struggled badly-couldn’t accept it was over so on, kept breaking no contact as I was so addicted to her…and could not look after Little Susan.
    During our relationship she blamed my issues, projected, charmed others, tried to turn me against my family & friends. The usual narc behaviour. I was adopted when I was very young and recognize I carry abandonment issues with me, she latched on to this and by the end of the partnership she had me believing everything was my fault, I would never get better and her favourite phrase was “I was emotionally dead from the neck up” it hurt but I believed her and lost all my self esteem.
    I was caught by a blog on Huffington Post one day by a lady who wrote “Help, I’m in love with a Narcissist” I didn’t even know what one was and was horrified as I read the blog, she was describing my relationship.
    Days later I found your clip on YouTube.
    How to outsmart a Narcissist-Your statement in it “The narcissist isn’t the healer of our wounds, the narcissist is the messagener of them” hit me at my core and suddenly I realized for the first time what was playing out and it’s helped me immensely in letting her go. I also see I was drawn to narcissists in three previous relationship and I also see my adopted mother was quite narcissist and it’s obviously my relationship default.
    My ex and I move in the same circle of friends but they are slowly seeing her for what she is. We were doing mediation but she pulled out of that and engaged a solicitor. I’m not looking forward to facing her and the battles ahead with our home etc.
    thank you for your clips and email support, after 20 years of dis functional relationships I am seeing things clearly.
    I feel as though I’ve been standing in a dark room for the last 40 years of my life and someone has just stepped inside and switched the light on.

  • danielledonnellrodriguez@comcast.net'
    Danielle
    April 14, 2016

    Melanie,

    Thank you so much for your blog and insight that continues to keep on track of NO CONTACT…My ex narc married 83 days after we broke up, but continues to call me..Your advice keeps me strong..it has now been 133 days and I have not answered one of his phone calls or text. I know if I was too it would be all about him…I wonder if he will ever stop. Each day I pray for strength, and I read your blog and when he calls I smile knowing I no longer care…I have moved on and I am healing me, and finding my happiness once again…Thank you so much for your postings they bring me strength as I deal with a Narc of a mother and I now know why I attracted Narcs into my life…

    Smooches,
    Danielle

  • celestapoole@gmail.com'
    sober pal
    December 24, 2016

    Everything is very open with a clear explanation of the issues.
    It was definitely informative. Your site is very useful.
    Thanks for sharing!

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