Why You Need To Get The Narcissist Out Of Your Head

When you are stuck in the agonising thoughts about the narcissist, it is excruciatingly difficult to function.

Your mind is so busy going over the lies, betrayals, and your incessant questions to yourself “How could this happen to me?” “How could they do this to me?” “How has my life turned out like this?”  that everything seems overwhelming. Simply focusing on mere survival, such as eating, sleeping, paying bills and running your everyday life can feel like torture.

Any of the things that could bring you joy and energy in life, are filled with pain, emptiness and dread, because your mind is all-consumed. Maybe even when your loved ones, friends and children talk to you it is almost impossible to be present, supportive and loving.

We know we aren’t going to be free until we can evict the thoughts of the narcissist and what he or she did to us from our mind – once and for all.

The problem is that the natural human response to evict these thoughts is….. to do more thinking!

This is incredibly ironic because we are trying to get off this particular bus, yet we end up putting our foot down and driving harder!

When I was initially trying to recover from narcissistic abuse with the use of my mind I spent years consumed by trying and solve the “why’s” and “how’s” with logical rationalisation.

And I was getting nowhere, I was still stuck in the pain, the fear, and the abuse.

That was until I learnt that I wasn’t going to be able to evict the thoughts of him through my mind, it required something much deeper…

In today’s article I want to share with you the most effective way to get relief from the all consuming thoughts, so you can start to enjoy everyday experiences like: Spending time with your children and family, taking a peaceful walk, enjoying a particular hobby or just being with yourself in a safe and comfortable environment.

This level of calmness and peace, without the incessant painful thoughts, is essential for you to be able to start creating your great life.

 

Shooting Yourself With the Same Bullet

The narcissist did the damage, and your mind is continuing his or her job of annihilating you – even if you have managed to get away and stay away – and if you haven’t, your mind may still be stuck in the pain, the abuse and the strategy of survival, trying to navigate the narcissist, force accountability and/or get the love that your dream of having with this person.

If you have got away and stayed away, you may be astounded how you are still stuck in the painful thoughts – and they may be worse than when you were with the narcissist because you now have time to go over and over what happened. All the things that don’t add up, that you can’t make sense of…

…especially the thoughts of HOW?

How could anyone behave like this?

How could I have got myself into this mess?

How could this happen to me?

How am I ever going to recover?

No matter how much you try to think to get an answer – you can’t find ones that get the narcissist out of your head.

Think of it like this, the narcissist shot you once (on a particular situation), and by you going over and over it you have re-shot yourself with the same bullet 1000 times.

 

Why We Can’t Stop Thinking by Doing More Thinking

You can NOT stop thinking by doing more thinking.

Your mind is the enemy keeping you in pain and torment.

Moving on requires being able to move past your mind and heal.

If you don’t, your mind is going to keep battering you.

You know that when your mind is going over and over the painful thoughts you continually feel the anguish of what happened.

Your mind whilst trying to think yourself out of the pain is driving your painful emotions into more and more pain.

Until we know better we think that we have to find the relief through our mind.

This is impossible – and let me explain why.

It is your emotions which originally dictated how your mind was going to respond. We all have the urge to try to shut off the emotional pain – and until we learn how to do that in a conscious way there are two ways we avoid dealing with our pain unconsciously – which is what we are always doing when we try to get relief through our mind.

We either

1) Direct our painful thoughts at someone outside of ourself, (in this case the narcissist), or

2) We try to find some logical ‘reason’ to grant us relief and peace.

You will know from your experience of narcissistic abuse, regardless of where you are at in your healing journey, that neither of these strategies work. Directing the pain outside of yourself only keeps you stuck in a victimised addiction cycle, and trying to find logical reasons only ever provides short lived relief at best, it never ‘sticks’.

You may have noticed how your mind searches determinedly for a ‘reason’ that will grant you relief from the pain, and then within hours, or even minutes or seconds you find yourself going back in to re-think the whole thing over and over again.

This ‘reason’ never held for you…

Your mind only has these two options, and the more they don’t work, the more the mind determinedly focuses on trying to make them work – which then turns into obsession.

The more you obsess, the harder and stronger the energy of the narcissist is in your mind and this takes over your entire life. We feel drained, powerless, and in intense pain and our ability to function effectively gets less and less.

Moving forward does not happen through your mind…

 

So How do You Evict the Narcissist From Your Mind for Good?

When the narcissist is continually in our head, we may believe that he or she is performing a psychic takeover, or that we won’t be able to get the narcissist out of our mind until they leave us alone, or move away.

The empowering truth that you must understand is:

It is an illusion that anyone or anything outside of you has power over you – the only reason they can have power over you is because you have unhealed parts that are allowing it.

This is the deal, your pain and your mind attachment to the narcissist is energised and pounding because you haven’t realised that your healing is about you it is not about the narcissist.

When we have emotional pain and painful thoughts they are ours. We have to accept ownership for them.

You are responsible for your own healing – and nothing outside of you is going to be your saviour – you are your saviour.

In order to carry out your own healing you must recognise the following truths:

1) The intense emotional pain (which is causing your mind to try to ineffectively control it) is all coming off wounded parts of yourself that have been triggered by someone’s actions outside of you.

2) Your inner wounded parts are still stuck in the illusion that your wellbeing, life and truth is dependent on others and what they are or aren’t doing. These wounded parts are still precarious, insecure and not empowered. They are waiting for you to heal them so that they can shift out of this illusion and know you are create the real life you want and that it is NOT dependent and precariously connected to what another specific person is or isn’t doing.

3) You have to do the soul deeper work on these unhealed parts to release the emotional pain, and then the narcissist will be evicted from your head.

When they do this inner work your emotional self will no longer be vibrating in pain, fear and dread, and then your mind has nothing to try and ease, control and solve.

 

I know how awful it can feel to have your life totally consumed by the painful thoughts of the narcissist and I really, really hope this article has helped you realise that to get the narcissist out of your head you have to stop thinking and start healing.

Our mind is the source of unconscious living, it keeps us separated from our inner self, our inner healing and the creation of our truth.  If we want to take back our power and be the true creator of our life, we need to go deeper. We need to get out of our mind and into our inner healing path.

If you have any questions or comments please post them below, I try my best to respond to all of them.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

136 thoughts on “Why You Need To Get The Narcissist Out Of Your Head

  1. What if the narcis is an 11 year old son who is going beyond anything tolerable to purposefully make life a living hell and no therapy has been of any help at all because he just lies to everyone? I am a single mother without any help at all from the father, and have no family in the area and no one to help with him at all. I feel like I’m going to go insane!

    • Pray! And Pray A LOT!! I don’t know what else to tell you. Praying was the one thing I did not do and my son is now 27 years old.
      The same tendecies are still there and my life has pretty much been a living hell the last 15 years. I did the therapy and counseling and pretty much anything and everything I could. It’s because they don’t have a Dad. They need a strong male role model. If you can find any strong male figure to help you, it WILL make a difference. I didn’t do that and regret it terribly.

    • For a suggestion on finding a male role model, what about Big Brothers? I don’t know where you’re located or if you know of them, but it’s an association just for the purpose of boys not having a father figure in their lives. There’s one for girls too called Big Sisters. A good friend of mine utilizes this organization for her son, who is now 18. It can help.

    • Hi Tuesday,

      In regard to our children and in fact everything in our life that isn’t working – we need to be healed and empowered enough to be able to ‘see’ and ‘feel’ it and create it a different way – and be able to create solid, empowered boundaries with bad behaviour or anything we experience that we observe is not serving us.

      Tuesday when clients contact me about their kids and the pain they are suffering as a result of the legacy of narc abuse – I always ask this question “Where are you with your recovery and healing of your inner wounds as a result of being narcissistically abused?”

      Without exception Tuesday the answer is always the same – parents who have logically got out, or been discarded, who have just tried to ‘get on with it’ but have not committed to doing the inner healing work on themself.

      I could Tuesday, empathise with you and grant you some practical techniques, but the truth is your outer situation in life is not going to improve (including with your son) until you commit to changing and working on ‘your inner situation with yourself and life’.

      Our children like narcs are very good at reflecting back to us the pain, the injustice and the lack of support that we have never healed or resolved within ourself.
      Please find the links to the resources I have created on this specific topic – and truly stop looking outward and commit to your inward healing – then, and only then, things will change for you and your son.

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/
      http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/08/07/q-a–how-do-we-heal-our-children

      We all have a choice – we can stay a victim to ‘what is happening to us’ or we can take responsibility, heal, do the work and empower ourself. And this is not just about the relationship with your son – it is about your entire life…

      Mel xo

    • My children were all in Boy Scouts, American Girls and 4H. They learn to do for others as well as build themselves, learn patriotism, values, respect, morals and service. Lots of role models. Visit some groups and troops to see which one fits. Therapy?

  2. What you say makes perfect sense. My situation feels complicated by the fact that my ex’s narcisstic spell has alienated my four children (ages 15-22). They believe I am the enemy and haven’t spoken to me in nearly two years. In my mind, he is the gatekeeper to them and it’s hard to separate my feelings for them from feelings involving him. It also breaks my heart & terrifies me that they are under the same spell I was for 22 years. I know how insidious it is, and how very hard to wake up from. Still, as you say, I have to take heal myself to be useful to them or anyone. Thank you for your work.

    • wow, I was married to a narc 22 years with 4 children. I’m alienated from 3 of them, the oldest 22 lives with me. None of the siblings speak to each other. I was made to believe I was Satan himself. The ex would gang them up on me simply for asking one to wash the dishes. I’m now at peace and accept things the way they are. Nothing I can do, but I totally accept that. I put it this way: mental illness doesn’t have to make sense.

    • Hi Jackie,

      You are very welcome.

      Please listen to and read the links I provided for Tuesday.

      It is great that you realise you have to heal – and years of not doing that is a very long time…but you can turn it all around.

      When you heal your relationship with yourself, truly your children will heal also…

      Mel xo

  3. Thank you – I can’t help but feel you have given me they key to unlock a door in my life. I can’t even sum up how thankful I am for your advice. Life changing.

    • I am in disbelief reading all of this. I thought I’d take a chance to try to figure out what this particular guy was about, stumbled on NPD and this web site, and I can say with 100% certainty that the information in this web site NAILED IT! I get it now…it’s NOT ME!! Thanks for the insight. I am working on staying away from him. Your information has empowered me to try harder! Thank you!

  4. This post was so timely! I had just completed my first healing session from the NARP and this email came through as I have been having trouble letting my thoughts get in the way. Thanks Melanie for your gift :)

    • Hi Andrea,

      so glad it helped,

      yes truly when we do the inner healing – the less ‘mind’ and more feeling and listening to ourself the better the process works.

      Great job and I am glad the timing resonated with you!

      Mel xo

  5. This is just where I am – thank you Melanie.
    My father died recently and my stepmother is the narcissist. I challenged his will and won but the emotional abuse continued through her lawyer’s letter – defamation, distorted lies, projection, etc. I hadn’t seen her for 3 years and she has made a pawn of my only child (30)in the legal case. This really hurts and I can only hope that my son sees through her controlling manipulation in time. Meanwhile I need to nurture me.

    • Hi Andrea,

      yes your step-mother did what narcs do – absolutely!

      The interesting thing about the smear campaigns and the attacks that narcs make on our life is – they are always attracted into our experience because some part of us had an attachment to ‘approval’ and worrying about what others thought of us…

      The healing gift in what has happened here is to shift out of and heal that part of you that is overly attached to what other people think, so that you can truly claim your power and truth which is: “It’s not important what other people think of me, it’s important what I think of me.”

      Truly Andrea, when you can recognise your healing here, and what life is showing you (via your stepmother’s actions) and you heal this within you – truly the pain, the smear campaigns and the angst will all dissolve into nothing.

      It will only continue until it has delivered you the massage, and you accept it.

      I hope you can open up your awareness to this.

      Mel xo

  6. Hi Melanie,

    I know Ph.Ds that don’t have this down as well as you do. Your writing, understanding the incredible pain and getting to the point are the best I have seen anywhere.

    • Hi Stephen,

      thank you for your lovely note.

      Truly Stephen I don’t think the real truth of anything can be understood unless there is a willingness to feel it from a much deeper soul level perspective.

      Intellectual and contemporary systems don’t tend to do this.

      The truth is necessary to set us free.

      Mel xo

  7. This article is so timely! I’ve read book after book but these articles have much more to them. I have a narcissitc father ( now almost 91 yrs old) and was with a narcisstic man for 44 yrs. So ther behaviors of a Narc were familiar to me. Infact, I didn’t know anything else.

    My body has responded beautifully to healing and I am sleeping better though I still have challenges . The most difficult thing has been getting him and his transgressions out of my head. We are still business partners tho thankfully our time is limited together, and NEVER alone.

    You say healing and not thinking is the key. The X isn’t in my mind as much now but he is still there, while, of course, he has gone through several women already. I guess I will continue with your articles and find more ways to heal.

    I add my deepest thank you to many others here. God Bless!

    • Hi Irene,

      I am so pleased that you are shifting into your True Self.

      The deep vibrational work can give you a boost with this.

      Not only to create ‘you’ as not a match to the narc (where there just won’t be any connection or thoughts) but to also change your program of abuse once and for all.

      Information may give you ah ah’s and help but often only supplements the inner work – and this is why (despite reading and listening etc) you may still be struggling.

      Mel xo

    • Very good article. I have been struggling with this for a year and half. I still hear him in my head, putting me down. I was married to him for 27 years and he got worse and worse. He told so many lies and ran around on me. We divorced and he got remarried with in two months. I realized that “every thing” he said was a lie, including the things he said about me. I am a smart, funny, successfull professional who worked her way through college and built a great family decpite him riding my coat tail and taking all the credit. What someone like that does to your self estem is amazing. I am still working on it. But glad to read these articals to know that what I am experiencing is real. And one day…it will all be behind me and enjoy the life god gave me. Thanks so much and keep the emails coming. RM

      • Hi R.M.

        Yes truly our level of logical intelligence holds no weight when it comes to our unhealed parts and our Emotional Intelligence.

        It is in fact R.M. the people that are the most ‘smart’ who struggle with trying to battle this out through their minds, rather than doing the deep inner emotional work – (and I was one of them!)

        For very intellectual person to truly heal and be empowered we need to take the inner journey – we need to come home to ourself – and we need to do this so that we are never a match for the destruction of narcissistic abuse again.

        That is ‘what happened’ is calling us to do!

        Mel xo

  8. Hi Melanie,
    My x-husband narc of 25 years is determined to take me down. After a long, ugly and extremely expensive divorce,he cannot get over the fact that I got our dream house. His girlfriend is completely out to destroy me because she really thought she was going to be living where I am now. So they have taken on a campaign to terrorize me out. She has called my boss with lies, has staulked me, spreads nasty awful rumors about me in our small community. Neither one stops to think what affect this has on our 17 year old son, who less than 3 years ago under went a bone marrow transplant and to our dismay we discovered did not take, right in the mist of the long divorce from hell. The evil man never took into consideration how completely devastated our son was about it. I am having trouble with the fact that anyone so mean and evil the father of my children. Our daughter who is 22 has nothing to do with him, she testifiued in court against him for his years of bullying her and calling her horrible names. Our son on the other hand is like me, he’s in shock that the man he always thought was Mr. Wonderful has simply replaced him with a much younger woman in a short skirt. I do not know how to help him. His father keeps messing with his head, buys him expensive gifts ect. The disappointment and confusion is pure torment, my son is quiet, keeps his thoughts to himself, he is sweet, caring and so caught between all the lies he being fed and knowing the truth about his mother. You see when you have had a sick child, (rare immune dis-order in my son’s case,) we have a bond from spending so many weeks together in the hospital and months confined to our home in a germ free envirment. The narc was never around, he was out seeking his own sympathy from several very lonely, pathetic women, all believing….they are his one and only! Yes, I am having extreme difficulty because he is meaner than ever to me – convinces people I have know my entire life of something? no clue, but he has made my life and continues to a living hell. Thank you Melanie for your helpful advice and true understanding. No one can understand the hell of a narc focused in on destroying another person unless they have lived it. Prayer has been my answer and it works wonders. God bless you all.

    • Hi Lisa,

      you may or may not be familiar with my work and my approach to assist people to recover from narcissistic abuse.

      Lisa, my approach is not to enable victimhood it is to help people get empowered to heal.

      I hear your story with great sympathy because I too as many others have been through the extremes of it – but Lisa I am not going to empathise with you – because I know that by me replying with how horrible it is, and how bad he is, or by replying about ‘him’ rather than ‘you’ that I am only enabling you to stay stuck as a victim with no way out of that place.

      There are many, many narc abuse forums on the internet that will grant you that…

      This space is for taking responsibility, healing and getting well.

      Firstly you are receiving this treatment because he is a narc – he is doing what narcs do. And the longer you stay in pain, resentment and victimhood (which of course we all were in the initial stages) the longer he is going to line you up, keep doing so and making your life a living hell. And you of course will be offering yourself up continuously on that chopping block (like we all did).

      None of that is going to change until you shift your focus towards “What is my healing in this?” and “What is life showing me about my unhealed patterns that I need to change”…because when you do turn your focus off him and back onto you, and commit to your healing, recovery and self-development them you will be in the driver’s seat to be able to get better and start healing and create a great life.

      I hope you can do this sooner rather than later – because the other path is a dead-end street of just more pain – and you deserve better…

      Mel xo

  9. Go Mel!!!!

    What a great article.

    My heart goes out to the gentle and tortured souls posting here. Each story is so sad. Each story makes my stomach turn because I have been there.

    To those outside the relationship things do not appear to be as they are. The narc puts up a very good front.

    Your article is so helpful. You are a blessing.

    I am still living in my marriage – repeating my situation at risk of boring you all.

    Married 35 years – just realized he is a narc and that is why I have always felt I just didn’t do it right and kept trying harder.

    I was raised by a narc step father. I realize I play a part in this and am wanting to escape but finances, ill dependant children prevent me from immediate getaway.

    Our home and other properties and our family business are in foreclosure, he has given money to a project in Africa, believing their lies and we have no cash, only debt debt debt.

    My most practical and best option is to stay until the house is taken away because I will have to pay rent the moment I move out and I am not paying rent now. No house payment is being made at all. I am trying to secretly stash cash to help escape.

    This is the most practical but is killing my soul – but each month I take note that I am further from caring about him. I realize he has been a pathalogical adultering liar for the entire marriage. He is a monster.

    I pray for the good souls who are attached to your web site and look forward to being financially able to have more direct counseling with you.

    During this interim time I continue to work on finding myself and have already been able to put up boundaries that were not there before..

    Again, Thank you for this web site.

    • Hi K,

      I am so pleased the article has helped.

      K – truly is ‘practical’ enough of a great reason for your soul to by dying, or living under the same roof as a monster?

      As you can imagine I deal with so many people leaving narcs – and the one thing that I have seen consistently happen is that when women put their souls in front of the practical no matter what that entails – everything starts falling into place.

      I was one of these women that originally hung on for practical reasons and paid a huge cost to my soul – I tried to salvage I tried to play it safe – yet by the time I got out I had lost so much I had virtually nothing – my life was in tatters financially and I was so broken and suicidal that I had no option other than to do my healing on credit…
      I am so glad I did – and let go of my attachment to ‘practical’.

      Because very soon everything started falling into place for myself and my son’s welfare, the Universe provided us with everything we needed, and some of it was the most incredible coincidences you could imagine…

      I have seen without exception that when we place our soul above the practical and know it is never hostage to outside conditions that we experience incredible growth, support from life and freedom.
      Food for thought to feel in your soul…

      Mel xo

      • Thank you for this Melanie. Meditating on the thought of “my soul above the practical” has given me a profound sense of peace. I will make this my mantra in my healing journey.

  10. Hi Melanie- another timely article, thank you!

    I got out of my marriage to a narc just over 6 weeks ago. I was hurting so much and all the things that had happened kept running through my head like rabid hamsters on the loose. It was just like Melanie said- tormenting uncontrollable thoughts and never ending emotional pain. He had left me almost penniless, so I borrowed the money and got the NARP programme. I started to follow Melanie´s instructions diligently.

    Just 6 weeks on I am peaceful, calm,and excited about my new life without him. I sleep better than I have for years and although he is still running arond in typical narc fashion trying his best to make my life as difficult as possible- I see him now as a rather small pathetic figure who has lost the power to hurt me ever again.

    I know I am just at the beginning of the healing process and lots of stuff I didn´t even know I had has come up for me. But the relief is incredible and I know I am on my way to a better future. I cannot recommend Narp enough, it works. Thank you Melanie you are wonderful!!

    • Hi Carolyn,

      thank you for your joyous post – and I am so pleased you went for it!!

      I love it so much (and I get to see this most days) how when people do the deep inner work – that the traditional ‘mind’ recovery from narc abuse (which can take years or even decades or may never occur) can be speeded up so much, and in such a liberating way!

      Thank you for sharing and I hope that people such as you who are in the mind-bend, who have lost finances, their marriage and their ‘self’ can be inspired to take the action also to turn their lives around.

      I am so happy for you

      Mel xo

  11. I have been dealing with abusive narcissistic relationship for 2 years. Every time I walk away, he pleads and says how much he loves me and I let him back in. I know I should not, but I secretly believe he will change. Then, the pattern of abuse begins again and again. Yesterday was his birthday and I have had no contact with him for a few weeks. He texted me a sad face and said he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t call him on his birthday. I have not responded but tempted to text him back. My emotions want to respond and tell him how he neglected me on both birthdays and the list of abuse he has given me.

    • Hi Rsk,

      okay this is so normal when we have been narc abused – is to give in, take them back and hope and believe they can change.

      The reason we do this is because we still have unhealed parts that we have not as yet healed…and this is keeping us in the dependant illusion that our wellbeing and ‘love’ is reliant on this person getting their act together – rather than being a source of creation and authentic love to ourself.

      Putting our focus on healing and making it all ‘about ourself’ changes the feelings of powerlessness and attachment to the narc.

      Mel xo

    • Hi Rsk. I know how hard it is but no contact is no contact. Don´t reply to his texts. Leave him alone, he is only trying to hook you back in and you do not want that. He will not change and you cannot make him change. Repeatedly going back to him when he beckons is just simply opening yourself up to more pain. Walk away. Get Melanie´s NARP programme and discover what liberation feels like. I wish you luck!

    • Hi Rsk,
      I agree with Carolyn and can honestly say…’ohh how incredible the NARP programme is!’ When you start to release the pain, and it can happen very quickly, it will feel so amazing for you. I was finding it difficult at first with trying to get the shifts to work but without realising it, I found myself without really being aware of it, that I was not feeling a trigger or pain when he came into my head. It also has lessened the thoughts about him considerably. I do a shit at a time, then dig a bit more finding more after a day or two’s break, then another and it is working. Went to the city today and before doing the QFH I would be a bag of nerves, jumping at everything and looking out for his car all the time. Today I felt calm and didn’t think of him once. The agrophobia just wasn’t there today. Trust all of us who have lived in a hell that sends the strongest person mad, that the Programme and resources is the only way. The e-book on No Contact will open your eyes so much on how vital it is to stay well away from ‘him’ They are dangerous people with more going on with them than you realise until you learn the truth. My ex was a similar profile to Ted Bundy…only he didn’t kill me or kill others, but no less unpredictable and with an underlying rage. Narcs, psycopaths, sociopaths, all of the disordered types have the potential to do a lot of harm. Big (((hug))) to you. ❤

  12. Thank you Melanie for your insights, shared experience, thoughts and help. But how do we heal wounded inner parts? I don’t have the instruments. I don’t know how one does it. I don’t have money to subscribe programs or sessions. After an 11 years marrige and 4,5 now divorced there is still an almost constant mental film ínside

    • Hi Isa,

      I know how difficult it can feel to change our life when we feel so stuck…

      My suggestion to work on your inner parts is that NARP could assist you.

      It has been specifically formulated to work at this deep inner level and is specific to narcissistic abuse, and all you have to do is follow the instructions. It is all worked out for you.
      It is also completely guaranteed, if you chose the payment plan it is $5.00 per week (a cup of coffee from a cafe), and if you decide to cancel you get to keep the entire Program and all of its resources for free – therefore no risk.

      Isa when I was recovering from narcissistic abuse, for the first time in my life (due to a life and death situation) I committed to and valued myself. I spent thousands of dollars on credit (before I found and created to real solutions) because I was financially crippled by the narc, in order to try and get well.

      As Carolyn posted before she borrowed the money to get NARP and is now experiencing incredible results.

      The way I have created NARP is not the way I had to try and struggle to get well (spending a fortune) – my sessions back then reiki, kinesiology, therapy and traditional and massage was a bill of $620.00 a week, which I did not have!

      WE can only attract from life the level of commitment we are prepared to grant to ourself – which women very rarely do!

      Especially women who are abused…

      I hope you understand this important message.

      Mel xo

  13. I have read these posts and I am so filled with emotion. The fear can be so intense that you think you don’t have the resources that are already within you. Victimhood became like a way of being even when I knew I was behaving and agreeing to things that were not my truth. Honestly finding Mel’s website has been a gift. I know that this is my time to let go of NARCs and be true to me. I have 2 beautiful girls 17 & 20. They are the blessing of my life. I used to think there was a timeline for things to happen. But in me I didn’t really believe it. I would fight the expectations and be cut down Mum, husband , last one. I am attracted to them. They are what I know. I could never understand how I could be so attracted to someone who constantly and ruthlessly hurts me. And now it’s my problem to fix everything. You’ve got to be kidding me? And then…. exactly what I would do. Since I was a child I thought I was less than and couldn,t understand why. I knew I could do stuff. You throw it at me I can take it. Have you met me? OMG i just spent another 2 mins looking for question mark because I didn,t trust me. Ego definitely, looking for approval always. I fight it and think this isn’t me why am I here again…………….I know now.

    • Hi Deb,

      thank you for your post – and I am so glad you are getting clarity.

      Deb, it really is true that narcs are the ‘wakeup’ of all of the unhealed parts within us that have caused us to be attracted to and fighting for justice in the face of abuse – and continuing to participate in it.

      It is when we do heal these old unhealed parts that we break free, and feel more complete than we could have ever imagined.

      I truly wish for you that you commit to yourself at this level – and then you will see :)

      You recognition has granted you the opportunity now to take it further and get started.

      Mel xo

  14. Thank you dear Melanie for your insights, shared experience, thoughts and help. I completly identify with your posts and texts. So helpful. But how do we heal from inner wounded parts? I don`t have the instruments, I don´t know how to do it; I identify some wounds of course but what shall I do? I dont have the money to subscribe programs or sessions. After an 11 years marriage and 4,5 already divorced through my mind is still running a malignant film almost every hour. And the worst is that he doesn`t leave me(though remarried) with very very expensive gifts, texting everyday,invitations,asking for at least friendship, etc. And a monthly amount in my bank account, although we had no kids. I am aware of the meaning and purpose of all this but he is very sweet and charming( when he is not indifferent and missing)and I need that money. I tried NO contact for several months and he never gave up or stopped sending the money. And at some point I felt tired and ungrateful and started to answer the messages. Always with the bad feeling that after 11 years of marriage I dont want to become the “other”. And I will not. pls give me some clues on how I can fix this broken soul ( from a very strong and severe and maybe narc mother and a kindly and loveble father and this extreme narc husband). thank you for all your good help. xxx isa

  15. I am in the 4th month of no contact after 15 years. I now realize that my mother and my deceased husband were narcs plus related disorders. I need HP with my grown daughter, she also has this tendency. She is not interested in talking with me and attempts to turn everyone against me. It is not working, how can I help her to a more joyful life.

  16. Melanie, how do you begin the inner work to move past a narssistic abusive relationship, or how do you stop the thinking and start the living? Its been a few months and I’m tired of waking up and constantly reliving what happened. I want to have peace and joy.

  17. Melanie, thank you for all the love and wisdom you have given through your articles and advice. I started healing a few years ago and now that I know what he is and that it will never change, I am saving up money to leave my husband of 32 years. I am not afraid of “No Contact”. It feels so liberating. I close my eyes and I see myself sitting in this bright room, no furniture, with the sun streaming in the window making me feel warm, complete, and free. I have shared my plan with a few trusted friends who are keeping me accountable to this time of departure and further healing. I did want to ask (and you may have already given it to us) what are the things I need to have in place before leaving, and in what order? Thanks so much for EVERYTHING!

    • Hi Teresa,

      you are very welcome!

      It sounds like you are clear and in a great space to leave – which is wonderful.

      Here are two articles that will assist your even more emotionally and prepare you for what the narc may do…

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/attempting-to-leave-a-narcissist/
      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-leave-the-narcissist-with-your-emotions-intact/

      Also it is really important to be smart with finances, possessions and making sure you cordon off everything that the narc may attack – be prepared to think the unthinkable and don’t let your sense of fair play of belief that you can work this out amicably get in the way.

      Narcs do not play fair – and many a person has been blind sighted by ‘trying to do the right thing’ by the narc.

      Make sure money is secured, make sure you have support at the other end, and that you will be able to uphold boundaries – which may mean an intervention order if he gets abusive and harasses after you leave – and leave when you know he won’t be able to be at the house or know.

      And make sure that what you leave you take everything you need at that time, so that he can’t hold objects as ransom down the track.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  18. Hello, I am in the greatest pain in my entire 37 years. My partner physically, mentally & emotionally punished me regularly..until 3 weeks ago. I fought for our love..he fought against it. He was so good to me & we did live eachother but the person he is now is a monster almost always. I tried to get help but he kept picking fights to leave & he did finally leave. Disappeared in thin air. I have chronic fibromyalgia, depression & anxiety now more than ever. When he left I had pnemonia & still do. Not one call, he just chucked me in the trash. Since then I have made no contact but I am in so much pain. Please advise, I don’t really understand what you mean Melanie… thank you so much.

    • Hi Julia,

      Truly this is about you initially reading and listening to radio shows to understand Julia that this is about ‘you’ this is not about ‘him’.

      The truth is, any of us that are being repeatedly abused and trying to hang in there, have got a lot of healing and understanding to do…and we are highly codependent, broken and breaking down as a result of this…(I was the same)…

      Please Julia go through this resource link – read the blog articles, listen to the radio shows and investigate NARP.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narcissist-central/index.htm

      Absorb yourself with this information and it will help.

      Mel xo

  19. Melanie, I have been following your blog for over a year and this is the first time I have posted. I escaped from a sociopath after 18 years of marriage. The same story – abuse, brainwashing, etc. Your blogs explain clearly the same pattern over and over. I have read over 30 books on the topic of narcissism, co-dependency, and sociopaths. Even after all that information, I feel compelled to tell you that your blogs are, by far, one of the most authentic and unbelievably truthful pieces of information out there. This last blog is sooooo true. I want others to know there is hope. I escaped by the skin of my teeth. Here I stand two and a half years later in such a better, peaceful place – it is because I stopped obsessing and took responsibility for my unhealed soul. I am working daily on healing myself. This is the key, and you said it with such clarity. Thank you Melanie. You have a true gift. lisa :)

    • Hi Lisa,

      I am so pleased my information resonates with your strongly – and it is by delivering the information at a deep soul level that I hope the ‘truth’ speaks to people.

      Because we all need the ‘truth’ to really set us free…

      I am so pleased you are claiming your True Self and you are very welcome!

      Mel xo

  20. OK, Melanie. I have a bizarre question. But first, thank you for your emails and broadcasts-you have been a lifesaver! I did a couple of shifts and after the first one, within a month, I had 2 job interviews and got a job! It’s a whole story right there. I am going to try the whole NARP in a few days.I agree venting helps only a little for a little while. Here’s my weird question: if I do my shifts and all of that, can I still live with my narcissistic abusive husband? Will I not see it or feel it anymore as abuse? Or..will it just be a response of repulsion in me? I am a bit far gone to be asking this question, but would appreciate your wise and compassionate answer!

  21. Hi Lisa again!

    Yes QFH shifts do create incredible outer life results!

    It is so true that when we shift the inner the outer follows – it is just pure Energetic Law – so it is wonderful that you are going to commit to accessing more powerful shifts to do with yourself, love and breaking off past painful relationship patterns!

    Okie in relation to doing the shift work and still staying with him – it is contradictory – and self-defeating – given what you strive to personally create by working on yourself – which is an authentic life and authentic love.

    He is narcissistic, you can’t change that.

    Your inner shifts will be to authenticity – and he is not a match. To continue to stay with him means in Energetic Terms “What I tolerate and live with is WHO I am” and therefore staying with him will only block the true creation of yourself.

    The fact that you still want to hang on or consider this option, is to do with some unhealed part within you that is not honouring you fully.

    When you work NARP and know it is your goal to honour you fully, you will heal this part, and no longer would you consider ‘putting up’ with anything less than your soul truth again.

    But this will only occur when you heal this part….until then your mind is going to grant you all the excuses (reasons) to not part…

    I hope this explains!

    Mel xo

  22. Thank you Mel, I have been following yor blog for a few years. Been divorced for 2 years and am finally ibsessing less and healing.although,now my ex is getting married,after recently attempting to reconcile with me.this has brought some issues back to the surface. Thank you for your blog:)

    • Hi Stephanie,

      You are very welcome.

      you know this is about creating No Contact and really meaning it, and this of course hurts and takes you to deeper level of healing your unhealed parts.

      Commit to that and you will break truly free. And you will never look back and then you will open yourself up to and align with creating real love.

      Mel xo

  23. Thank you, Melanie. It is so important for everyone to prepare to leave if possible. I didnt; one day I just knew I couldnt take it another minute, and I told him to leave. My narc now has a storage building full of my belongings and wont respond to my emails to make arrangments to get it. That is the only control he has over me. He will only talk to me on the phone because he cant manipulate me through email and I will not talk to him again ever. In July, I broke no contact to meet with him under the pretense that we would talk about things (our relationship issues) and he only wanted to move back in without doing anything like he had been allowed to do numerous times before. When they know for sure we know about them, and we will no longer put up with their behavior, they are done with us. There is nothing left for them to feed on and they will move on to find someone else. It hurts to face the truth I know, but they are not real and were never who we knew them as regardless of how long we were with them. Their only interest was what they were getting from us. Like Melanie says, the sooner we begin to see them and the pain as a stepping stone to the kind of life we deserve, the sooner we will have it. Stay strong and never go back. It has been four months for me.

    • Hi Peggy,

      thank you for your post – yes your story is very similar to mine – I did it all the wrong way too!!

      At the time I thought he was capable of some sort of decency and fair play – and got completely blind-sighted! As we ALL do if we don’t accepted what narcissism means!

      But then like you I learnt the ultimate lesson – that ‘things’ and trying to get them back and fight for justice was nowhere near worth the price of my soul – and the sooner I let go, the sooner he had no hold on me!

      Thank you for your post – and reiterating how important it is to leave mindfully.

      Mel xo

      • Dito to that Melanie and Peggy! My ex has only ever sent emails, as he was too gutless to phone me, to talk, as that would mean having to explain himself and say ‘sorry’. Ha! he never said sorry once in our relationship or it would be sorry ‘but’!
        He is a good email writer in that his ‘words’ sound so sincere, loving, apologetic, convincing, that he would never hurt me again, do anything to get us through this…(saying one day in an email, ‘can we go to counselling together with my issues aside?)’ meaning ‘can we go and talk about what is wrong with you’! manipulation at it’s best. Peggy, you will get your possessions back, once you become empowered enough to know how. If they are worth retrieving then you will. If not, as Mel said, ‘material things’ are not worth your soul. I managed to leave with all my possessions as he was at work, so I could pack up all that was mine. Mind you, I lost out financially, with him owing me thousands, but in the end it was my life that was more important. x

        • Hi Jac,

          Thank you so much for inspiring this true message – YES our soul is worth so MUCH more than money and possessions.

          And when we DO start honouring our soul – everything REAL is created from that…

          Mel xo

  24. This is for everyone suffering from Narc abuse or any type of abuse and has lived with disordered people…What happened with Jill Meagher is an example of how these ‘psycopaths, sociopaths, disordered individuals can be or end up. I was shaken by what happened to her as a lot of us are and it made me mire aware that these predators live among us, with us, sleep in our bed next to us, pretend to love us then at a blink if an eye, abuse, rape and try to destroy us until some of us end up dead. Jill was a beautiful person and she didn’t deserve to die. Please follow Melanie’s programme and save yourselves from potentially ending up like she did. It is no different to the Narcs or others that we live with, it can end up the same. Thinking about them constantly, I have found keeps draining energy from us. The more we think about them the less we put into ourselves. ❤

  25. What happened to Jill? Maybe I missed something here on blog or simply haven’t seen news lately. I have fear about aggression turning to violence with my N that I left about 10 months ago. We share 2 awesome children who are 4 and 7 so “no contact” is not possible. The anger & rage have almost always been directed at me not the kids. However, behavior in front of them often inappropriate with no regard for how his treatment of me could affect the kids. How do u completely get N out of head when he is living in the house you bought together ( feeling that you should be there with the kids with your 60 % of the time “non-legally binding” agreement)almost holding onto it as a card to use to get me to come back? What about when kids question what you are doing & why ? They love dad a lot – he is the more leniant with discipline & often gives gifts…so, any advice here greatly appreciated !
    Thanks for what you do, Melanie. It is a blessing!

    • Hi Nancy,

      The truth is No Contact is possible under any circumstance, and has been established by many parents whereby all communication is done through third parties or a journal or some other form rather than direct.

      Nancy when we live a limited life we allow a lot of things that are not just unhealthy for ourself, they are also extremely unhealthy for our children – and we need to get past guilt of separating families or fear of security to honour our soul and the souls of people we love and are responsible for (our children).

      Nancy your children seeing you abused in any shape or form by their father creates one of two dynamics – either severe co-dependency or narcissism – as well as losing respect for the mother who they need as a role model.

      Your children if female learn ‘accepting abuse is normal’ or male will lean to ‘abusing women is normal’, and therefore you allow a legacy of abuse to be perpetuated into future generations.
      Children with narcs are so much healthier and less damaged when the non-narcissistic parent honours themself and when co-parenting away from the narc FULL STOP is created.

      Narcs if with their ex-spouse will use children as ammunition and bait, yet when the non-narcissistic parent leaves, detaches, creates self-honouring boundaries, heals and gains their True ‘Self’ Power – all the rubbish stops – and the children are nowhere near as affected.

      There is never any reason to be near anyone when our soul is being abused.

      I have worked with women who have gone to refuges with their children (no other option) because they prized truth and their souls and correct living (living without tolerating abuse) above all else INCLUDING homes, hooks, or what society would tell them is RIGHT for their children) – and I have see these women rewarded by life, and rebuild their lives to levels full of abundance, truth, love and freedom for themselves and their children – because they did WHAT IS RIGHT…

      Courage and doing ‘what we know we should do’ is NEVER about not having fear – it is about DOING what we know is right and not giving in to the fear.

      Staying connected to the narc and allowing them to live with abuse under their nose is NOT doing what is right.

      I hope you really fell this message, gain strength and DO what is right.

      Our children’s REAL wellbeing was NEVER about bricks and mortar it is about their emotions – and NOT the ones to do with practical ‘security’…which only needs to be food, a roof and shelter.
      At an emotional level they NEED so much more to be healthy people.

      Mel xo

    • Hi Nancy, Jill was abducted after walking home form a night out with friends in the early hours of last Saturday morning. The person responsible was seen talking to her on CCTV footage just before she vanished. She was found the next morning deceased. The news covers the story extensively, so won’t go into it. My message was to raise awareness on what can happen to any of us, when involved with these people, who are ill, or not even being involved with them. Women tend to fall into the trap of not listening to our instincts, feeling sorry for people, getting tricked into wanting to save them, thinking for them, and loosing ourselves in the process. I was one of them too. Jill was another who may have shown trust and kindness to someone. May her family find strength and her dear husband Tom, find a way through to find some peace. x

  26. I have the issue of co-parenting with a full fledged narc – I have now been granted primary care (thank goodness), but our daughter still sees him 3 days a fortnight and weekabout during holidays. I have been told by the psychologist who put forward this recommendation, that if the other parent is the devil, I must learn to co-parent with the devil! He could not be more accurate about my ex!!

    Unfortunately I can see that his is now using our 7 year old daughter as a pawn and a means to still get to me. No matter what I do to rid him out of my mind and what he did to me and my family, he still rears his ugly head through our child but telling her things that he knows all too well that she will tell me.

    The sadder thing is that he is using our daughter to manipulate situations with his ‘new’ family in his new relationship; for example his girlfriend was to take her kids to Disneyland this Christmas (these kids have known about this trip since last Christmas). He has now convinced his girlfriend not to take her kids (just herself and him on an overseas holiday instead), using our daughter as the excuse for her kids not going. I will not allow our daughter to leave the country with him so now he is using her as a pawn to get what he wants in his current relationship by saying to his girlfriend and her children, if our daughter cannot go to Disneyland her kids shouldnt go – it would not be fair. She supidly has agreed to this. The sad thing in this is now her children are going to resent our daughter from denying them of their holiday. This man is the devil!!

    I cannot help but take this on board and many other of the situations my baby is telling me; he is now doing two things, trying to get to me through her; and secondly using her to manipulate his current relationship. It terrifies me – our daughter may not see what he is doing, as she is just 7, but it is all too clear for me.

    My physical home is rid of this horrible person, but as soon as my daughter returns from his place the stories flow. I have tried different means for her to not tell me the stuff from his house, but I guess I am her saftey net where she can vent and I want to maintain our relationship and trust where she feels safe to express her thoughts and feelings to me.

    I feel free to be rid of his physical presence, but how do I not take on board what my daughter continues to tell me as I can see the effect this is having on her. She goes to a counsellor, yet only every fortnight to 3 weeks due to the cost. I dont want her to hold onto things and let it fester.

    I need a well grounded strategy to not let his indirect actions still effect me and to protect my daughter from being caught in his web.

    I follow your blogs continuously Mel, and totally agree and take on board your suggestions and recommendations, but this ‘silent’ infiltration still has be baffled in terms of getting his abuse and mistreatment out of my mind.

    Bettina

  27. Hi Bettina,

    I need to be really straight with you – YES you can help whether or not you take these things on board – truly!

    I work with women who are co-parenting constantly and I promise you that when you do the inner healing and work on yourself you WILL shift to indifference and then these charges, pain and reoccurring events will either not happen or have no impact on you whatsoever when they do.

    And absolutely when that happens they will start to fall away form YOUR experience…

    They are reoccurring because you are charging on them, and you are continually holding them up ‘coming at you’ from the narc.

    And the more you focus on ‘what he does’ the more you get given ‘what he does’. I have posted the links in regard to narcs and children already in this post, please listen and read – and KNOW that when you get your focus off ‘what he is doing’ firmly onto emotionally healing yourself (deeper healing rather than just mind rationalisation) THEN you will be free from the pain and THEN you will understand how you ‘created’ the events TO STOP – because they will.

    You can’t change him – but WHEN you change YOU then everything will change….and ALWAYS does.

    All of us need to take the responsibility to CHANGE in order to become and create the change we seek.

    I hope you take this path because the one you are on is just more pain and more obsession and more pain and more obsession – indefinitely – till he either drops off the earth…or until you have had enough of focusing on what he is doing and do heal YOU…

    ‘Doing’ strategies are not working on your inner state. Your only ‘strategy’ is to commit to your inner healing – because everything in your life comes off your inner self.

    Mel xo

    • Thanks so much Mel xx
      I have read your blogs concerning children and narcs before, but by re-reading it I can see what you mean! I feel that I have come so far- I am definetly 20 paces ahead compared to where I was six months ago, but I still find that I walk one step and take 2 backwards every now and then. I just know I need to be kind to myself and also realise that what is being said by my baby and not necessarily reality.
      As you said, just give love and stability and dont react – things have a way of working out. I will be taking on board everything you have written, as it rings so true.

      I see in the past the comments my little one has said about what he is up to and think back to the life I did lead with this man – nothing was true or sincere; it was all a fabrication! I dont want to be involved in his game anymore – I have now made that final decision!

      I do feel stronger and more enlightened from re-reading your blogs and know that the energy that I was putting into anger, worry and resentment towards this man can be put into far better areas of my life. I need to view my life as it truely is – I have beautiful, healthy children and primary care of the child I had with him; I have a great job which I enjoy going to everyday and work with great people; I have a wonderful supportive family; and I have true friendships that sustained the horrible existence when I was with him! Looking at this I am blessed.

      I will keep reading your blogs and advice – I say it will be a long journey, but a journey of self-awareness, healing and stength-building; and I am looking forward to it!

      Thanks Mel for your words or advice xxx

      • Hi Bettina,

        I am so glad my words resonated because truly my greatest mission is ‘to give you back to your true power, creation and happiness’…

        If you find it hard to reconcile within yourself, let go of the pain, and be this creator to yourself of empowerment – then you are wasting time doing this as a struggle the hard way – because when you do commit to the deeper inner healing you get on the fast-track to creating these results – the most direct and powerful way possible.

        None of us have to do recovery the ‘long’ and ‘hard’ way – that was never the reason for this experience.

        Mel xo

  28. Hi dear Melanie :)
    The NARP Programme has been incredible for me, truly incredible healing is taking place, my mind is clearer and in regard to the article, my mind is not cluttered up ‘obsessing’ about him nearly at all. I still have a way to go, but honestly feel less consumed with thoughts of what happened, creating more powerlessness within, fear of what he may do next, fear of his obsession of me (which has been a massive concern)or any thoughts about him. To be honest, when I started pulling away, focusing on myself, putting my thoughts into my healing, things have started changing inside me. I feel less tired too! as it drains one’s energy when we constantly think about them. I couldn’t care less what he is doing or thinking! I gave him too much of my soul and goodness from me, which he really didn’t deserve, as he has not made the slightest effort to right the wrong, take responsibility (not possible with a true NPD, Sociopath/Psychopath) and even professionals can’t treat them, so how on earth could I?! It is not possible. He can have his material items, his porn, all the things that make him ‘happy’ (false happiness) and I don’t care! The NARP is amazing at shifting them from our heads, but more importantly from our souls. Truly everyone…find a way to start the programme, and I believe if we are truly ready and wanting to heal, then we will find a way. For me I am on a pension and have a very tight budget, but I put a couple of things aside that I really didn’t need to having the biggest gift you will ever give yourself. A quote from the Dalai Lamas ‘Little Book of Wisdom’ “Do I really need it? and will it make me happy?” A ‘yes’ answer to the programme, and a ‘no’ to other material items in our life that are a false happiness. Love to you Mel and a streeeetch (((hug))) from Tassie. x

    • HI Jac,

      I am SO pleased you are feeling this freedom and detachment. It IS so beautiful when we clear the space to feel the good stuff and expand and create without the crippling pain, fear and dread!

      Yay! You deserve this feeling – you have indeed committed to yourself, and now truth and life can honour you!

      Congratulations my love.

      Mel xo

  29. Melanie
    Thank you for your response and all of your responses. Reading through peoples comments has been amazing. This article in particular has also been very eye opening. I know that I should have no contact and I do, although we have a child together.He actually makes it no contact with me in a way that feels very rejecting(he did this after I told him I couldnt get back with him). (although I maintain contact only about our daughter and only in text or email). After he tried to get back together with me(and I thought at the time I never stopped loving him, etc and entertained this idea. We were apart for 4 years) and I slipped and said yes and then realized I would never be able to trust this person again, and decided to not go back. He seemed to flip it and immediately got back together with his gf (after asking me to relocate, buying a house for “us”, etc) I say flipped it because he said “it was really her he wanted, he just thought it was the right thing to do to get back with me, since we have a child together”. This was a regression for me and very painful and confusing. Still working through this a bit. I am moving past the obsession, but I still hurt over him and sometimes mourn “the dream” of what we were “supposed to be”. I am getting better at accepting life for what it is in the present and creating the life I want.
    Although, it is difficult when I see him getting ready to get married (for the 3rd time) and I havent even had a date or met anyone I am remotely interested in. And I am not or have ever been someone who needs to be in a relationship at all-I have been single from him for 5 years. I am busy raising my daughters. I know you say that the main focus is working on ourselves-and WOW that relationship ending helped me evolve imensely. My question is though I see many people in relationships that havent worked on themselves or made themselves the priority, or evolved. I feel such a tremendous growth and awareness, I still have issues re: my ex and “why he rejected me”, the abuse that I went through (emotional, and physical)etc. Does it get easier? How do I focus on creating what I truly deserve?
    My ex is getting married and this has brought up a lot for me.I guess I do obsess still a bit, its just so hard still having to have contact and knowing just enough information , since we share a child.
    thanks Melanie

    • Hi Stephanie,

      thank you for thanking me! And you are very welcome.

      Stephanie as per your post – even though you have grown a lot, there is still unresolved unhealed parts that are triggering and keeping you in the pain.

      Fear and pain of rejection etc as the most obvious.

      To answer your question directly – yes it does get easier – infinitely more so – WHEN we do the deeper healing work on our unhealed parts, and when we establish a True Self Identity at our inner level.

      Stephanie I have two words for you that will stop you having to battle this out the hard way. “DO NARP!”

      …Then you will know exactly what I am talking about…and truly the emotions that are still throttling you now, will no longer exist within weeks, or possible EVEN days or hours…

      That is ‘how’ you create what you deserve because you will be free of your unhealed parts and unconscious patterns to do so…

      You can’t park a ferrari in the garage over the top of the old wreck in the way – none of us can!

      Mel xo

  30. So much is clicking for me….it is like a mechanism that was locked, stuck, shut down. I could not move beyond, felt like I was pushing against the tide, trying to move forward when everything inside me was telling me to go back. I relented, and let the waters take me back. Stopped resisting, stopped blaming, and accepted this fact: I was willing to give up myself to avoid, at all costs, being abandoned. I ‘over loved’, ‘over gave’, so that my husband would not leave me. I was caught in a vicious cycle and could not see what I was doing. Until, I owned my pain, my deep wound of abandonment, I was given up for adoption then adopted by a psychotic mother who threatened to return me to the orphanage, I was prime candidate for narc. abuse. I see it was me that said ‘it’s ok for you to neglect and harm me..I will stay”….until I said, ‘NO’ nothing was going to change. And guess what? He left. I changed the rules. This is how I now know this was never about our growth as a couple and learning to love each other. If it were, he would have done his work….we would have grown and become healthy, side by side. I am beginning to feel in my bones, what a gift his departure from my life is, and the gift my 21 years with him also was. Freedom tastes so good. But it is freedom born from healing, not from reaction to prove to him that I don’t need him anyway. I am cautiously optimistic that a healthy autonomous loving relationship is in my future.

    • Hi Ruth,

      WOW! Spot in – you have ‘got it’ 100%..

      Fabulous, fabulous share…

      Thank you for your post – and welcome to your incredible REAL life…

      Which is what happens when we see the truth, ACCEPT IT, and take full responsibility to heal and empower ourselves.

      Mel xo

      • Mel, thank you…your encouraging words are such a joy, and real treasure! You and this community are a powerful presence for good that has added richly to my life. Thank you for walking along side and sharing yourself.

        bless you,
        Ruth

        • Hi Ruth,
          I was so moved by your experiences and your post!
          Like you, I was always threatened as a child with being
          “sent back”. As a result , I felt very powerless as a child and always tried to please… I grew into a woman who still felt powerless in relationships….Terrified of abandonment again….
          I loved going to uni and studying and getting degrees and working in my vocation where things felt safer and more predictable.
          The rest of my story is also parallel to yours.
          I feel so happy that you are now emerging from the fear and discovering your own power and truth!!
          Inspiring and beautiful ; it sounds like you are really walking in the Light now Ruth.
          May the Angels guide and bless you,
          Much love, Val xx

          • hey there Val…I am sorry for the abandonment that you have had to deal with in your life. Nothing like the threat of being sent back to keep you on your best behaviour. It really can rob you of your personal power because, at least for me, I felt that there was nothing I felt I could say or do in response….I lost. Now I am able to say with great confidence, “I am going to be ok, great actually, with or without you”. You cannot use that one on me anymore because it does not work. My fear is not triggered, because I have dealt with and healed where the fear was coming from in the first place. As a matter of fact, I am not an opening for anyone who would do such a thing to get close enough to pull that now. But I know I am new to my freedom, and there are ups and downs and slips back, and strides forward, and that is life. And each day I get a little stronger. God is my refuge, protector, and guide. Thanks so much for your kind words, and may you also find strength each day in the truth and love that is always with you.
            love back,
            Ruth

        • Ruth thank you xx
          You and I are both ok now; of course there will be difficulties always in all our lives.
          But no one can send us away any more Ruth!!
          That’s the best thing. One of my favorite articles by Mel
          Is about building an Inner Foundation of Trust.
          I never had one before; I like having one!!
          Xxxx

  31. I read this blog post and it rings soooo true, the healings and one to one sessions helped me so much. I spent a few days on the island of Malta, at an international conference related to my field of work. I had lots of wonderful feedback on my work, my personality and my character as a leader in my field. All of a sudden the narcissist was miles away, a grey shadow somewhere “out there”, I felt so happy with myself, self confident and at the same time completely open about what happened to me opposite anybody who was interested in my story. People were so surprised to hear that I do not dwell on the abuse but what it taught me: that I needed to heal. I shared this freely and I felt so empowered to be able to do so. I truly feel that I will fully recover after this week. I can only thank you Melanie, for being a true helper not a “guru” and so down to earth. I can only confirm what Ruth says in her post above: “Freedom tastes so good”.

    • Hi Christine,

      I am so thrilled about your wonderful experience in Malta.

      It is an absolute joy working with you – seeing how you have come out of the grips of total powerlessness and despair in a few short months to become the incredible woman you are growing into and claiming more and more each week.

      I know why…because from day one you said to me “I have had enough of the pain. From now on my greatest mission is healing myself”…and I have never seen you waver from this self-dedication.

      For the first time in your life you treated yourself with full support and priority…and are now reaping the inevitable results of this.

      I love the honour of being a part of this!

      YAY!

      Mel xo

  32. Dear Melanie,
    I just wanted to say how glad I am to have recently come across you & your work. I take heart from your blogs. My husband walked out on me 6 months ago, without explanation, leaving me with our two little boys aged 1 & 3. He has since gone on to do all ‘the narcissistic traits’ you mention. The smear campaign has been dreadful and I’ve been overwhelmingly shocked by his appalling lies and deceit. I am still very much stuck in the pain but it is thanks to you that I can begin to see my way forward. Please keep up the good work!

  33. Thankyou so much for such insight into the narcissist. It has provided the first step in my recovery. I am lucky because my NARP left me and I would quite possibly still be in the ‘relationship’ if he hadn’t. He has after 5 weeks already found a new supply although I now understand that he was in contact with many women ( from his past as well as new women). Knowing now about supply has stopped me from feeling so replaceable. My biggest fear after the breakup is that I would never hear from him again, that I was so easily forgotten. Now I feel glad that he has gone.
    Thankyou Melanie

    • Hi Michelle,

      thank you for your post – and I am so glad you are finding truths that are setting you free.

      Don’t rest on discovering all you can about what narcissists are and what they do – make this journey about YOU.

      Then you will truly get the gift – which is not just surviving – it is about using this experience to personal thrive – because that is what my message is really about.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  34. In November it will be a year out…There were times where i thought I was truly past the obsessions and the need to protect future victims, the desire for him to be exposed and also to have revenge, the desire to save the world, then the desire to just save one…I seem to go in and out…remembering the good feeling//illusion and then knowing the painful reality…I am going to go back and listen to my NARC programs again…I am NO WHERE near where I was in the first few months of NC but I find myself just snooping around online when I dont want to do this at all. … It feels like a competition when there is none…it tells me , from this article, that i have more work to do on myself and to take a deeper look within…I have done so much work and have made phenomenal growth..it just seems that lately and maybe it is because it is coming up on the year anniversary of the beginning of the discard that thoughts seem to be more….or the fact that I am beginning volunteer work in the area of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault…maybe it is just the initial triggers… I seem to still want to entertain myself with some inner chaos … I want to be free of this.

  35. Hi Christine,

    thank you for your post.

    Have you done QFH work on this? Because by healing your Inner Identity at the deeper levels you will get free from this…

    For many, it is hard to evict the damage and the pain and truly break free without such a powerful tool.

    Mel xo

  36. Wow! the 1st of October! The ‘quickening’ is true! I hope everyone can find a way to do the NARP Programme (it is the only way). I truly don’t understand how so many people (my family and friends in particular) can go through life, accepting a less than experience, holding onto tons of pain and believing time heals all wounds. No one seems to understand, especially people the closest to me, that we can release the pain, and no longer be consumed by the crippling thoughts, injustices and everything that goes with being abused or having problems in our life. I do accept that is their journey though and sad as it is for them, I can’t change them. I do feel frustrated at times, when people complain about their life, their health etc. and do nothing to want to help themselves, even when the resources are in front of them. Thank you for the creation of the NARP Programme Melanie, all your articles, tireless passionate work, the knowing of the ‘gift’and thankfully I have found you and I am dedicated to living my truth. Enough pain and abuse for me, and will not tolerate it under any circumstances, ever again. Thank you with all my heart. Jac :)

    • this is gorgeous Jac to hear you like this! i am so looking forward to seeing what you paint next! link us in to your blog and let us see the healed birds please?

      what a journey, and what a reccomendation of truth at this time for us to see you. thank you

      • Thank you Dawn for your lovely words. I will ask Melanie who has my ‘link’ and details to forward it onto you Dawn, but I won’t post it on this forum, I have my reasons and I am listening to my instincts. My healing is taking place, my free spirit is calmer and flying stronger, but there is more work to do, to really set myself free. We have our good days, and our bad and now at least there are the tools to truly heal, so the bad days are less and less. How are you going with your journey? I truly hope your magic carpet has lifted high and far. xo

  37. How lovely; healed birds and Magic Carpet rides!!
    I love Pegasus (the winged horse); Angels and Unicorns!
    Does anyone love Unicorns.? I love the Heavenly Ones with wide White Wings flying under the moonlight….
    So this is our Spirits flying free and heavenward
    Into this realm and the next….all through the Galaxies and reaching out to tenderly touch the Stars with our fingertips…..My beloved horses have grown Wings and fly me through the Seen and Unseen galaxies.
    All my precious animal companions are with me .
    So we are no longer shackled by pain Dawn, Jac, and everyone; no longer do we need approval from anyone else to fly through the Heavens at night on Magic Carpets or Winged Horses or paint pictures of healed birds .
    No longer shackled to the pain of trying to receive love or be understood or being criticized or ridiculed for who we are at Soul level!
    Pain comes from giving ourselves away I think….
    Now We are light and peaceful and we can Paint What We Want and Fly Where We Want .
    Wasn’t, it worth it all to get to here.?
    It was for me. Not to get to here but to get Back to here,
    Like when I was a little girl and I used to look up at the Moon and know who I was. Two nights ago I looked up at the Full Moon and I knew again. Love to all.xxx

    • Val that is beautiful, all of it

      the junk stuffed under my carpet is a bit too much..

      but i hear you so loud and clear, and i see me everyday… that girl, that woman, who looks up to that moon and knows who i am. no more giving me away for pain, ever.

      one thing magic is happening, as the vibration is lifting, my children are lifting off with me. leaving the dust under the carpet as magic gold dust to spread joy on and on, glitter to spread around, not pain and anguish as a hangover, just joy …

      i love horses, and unicorns fly, so i will see you out there on our flights Val, and thanks for your inspiration.

      i was thinking Jac might just start painting something really different now, unique. creative art is so unique to be able to have as a gift, i look forward to seeing the shine

      humbleness in love and strength in adversity x

      • I have found and do believe, when we stop thinking and feeling pain from what is/was happening to us, our minds do become open to unleash creativity, joy and love. My art kept me going, as it is my own, something that can be only found deep down inside me and he couldn’t touch that. Painting my birds kept me strong. It kept me alive and functioning when my life was being drained from me. As Melanine has said, it is important to focus on ‘the goal’ of healing us, so the people that are harming us can no longer hold onto a piece of our souls. The more we think about them, the more power they get from us, and the less empowered we become (even if they are not in our space). I found out this truth, wondering why, even though not with him now, why I kept raising feelings of anxiety and fear, but it was because I was still thinking about him. The NARP programme is helping to not think or feel anything regarding him at all now. A great technique I found when doing a ‘shift’ is to visualise ‘the person who has harmed us’ spiralling up with all the rubbish and disappearing up and out of the universe to be a memory of a memory. My art is blooming and my art is becoming more colourful, more alive and I do understand now what freedom is feeling like. It is true that complete freedom comes when we have healed, and when the Narcs have no power over our minds, therefore freeing our souls. So spiral him/her out, along with the junk and fill yourselves up with the golden liquid, that is yours to claim back. I imagine a force field around me, when shifting the junk as it can’t get back in, once it is gone. Love and hope to all. xo

      • Dawn we will see and know each other out in the galaxies on our beautiful White Unicorns….
        And your precious little ones will be with you;
        How perfect and what greater gift could you share with them than teaching them how to scatter stardust ….
        Jac may your work flow and add more beauty and tenderness to this world; a blessing to the world you are especially when you enrich our love and empathy for other species. I will ask Archangel Jophiel to bless your creative powers- she is the Archangel of Beauty,!
        Btw do you know the Full Moon is the time for releasing anything that doesn’t,serve us- speak it or write it out and burn or bury the page under the Full Moon.
        Mel writes about it in her book…..
        Love and hugs
        V xxxx
        Yo

    • Hi Val, We are no longer trapped in a guilded cage! freedom is here. When I was a young girl and up until past events shattered my life, I rode horses, feeling freer than I had ever felt. They were well loved and cared for, as they carried us far and wide. I will have horses again. ‘Every adversity comes with it the seed to a greater equivalent,…one of my favourite quotes, meaning when we are at our lowest, there is always the ‘gift’ ever present to show us the way to live a life we only ever imagined. x

  38. Ok I just looked at the program and I am going to purchase it. 1 question though I have been out for 4 years and still struggling with some issues related to the relationship and relationship ending. participation in this program isn’t going to cause regression because I am guvung attention to a subject I should have left behind long ago?

    • Hi Stephanie,

      The Program is relevant for healing from narc abuse for anyone who is still suffering the effects.

      You are giving ‘attention’ to you emotional pain in order to clear it.

      So that it no longer exists.

      This is what embracing, releasing and transforming your Inner Identity is about.

      The Program will facilitate you going forwards.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

    • HI Stephanie! Trust Melanie, as she is the one and only person, who you can truly trust when it comes to her experiences with Narc abuse. My stuff is HUGE! as is a lot of other people’s and I have moved forward a long way since starting the programme. At the moment you are ‘giving attention to what has happened, and doing this on a daily basis, which is what is going to cause regression, becoming more ‘addicted’ to your pain, and prevent you from moving forward. QFH is the only answer. I couldn’t believe how amazing the programme is and new feelings of freedom is unlike anything I have ever experienced. The thoughts of him, the pain, the anxiety, all of the horrible feeling are becoming less and less in a short period of time. Enjoy Stephanie! Melanie really has an amazing gift and is a natural healer, the programme along with her experience proves that. Myself and others I am sure would be interested to know how it has worked for you too. x

  39. Hi
    Have recently found your site and what a revelation! I am, now I realise, in a narcisstic relationship. I have been with my current partner for 5 years now. At first, he was the man of my dreams. I am an emotionally, financially woman, who I can now see, he thought was fair prey…I am still in the relationship and its sucking me dry. Ive alienated my friends and family who hate him and see him for the thing he is but I just cant get out. I have now left my home and country and moved to spain where I am now in his control. Every day is a battle. Im a nervous wreck in case I say or do the wrong thing whereby he will turn on me and call me horrible things and turn nasty and then say sorry but it was me who made him do these things. Im an intelligent person for gods sake, why am I putting up with this????? Nobody can understand me, let alone me understand me. I know I have to get home away from his controlling nature and horrible nasty ways. I just keep wishing it would go back to how it was but I know it wont….. help????

    • Hi Debbie, At the moment you are giving all of your power to him. I suggest you start healing asap and the NARP Programme (right hand side of the article in the column) is the best and fastest way to do this. He doesn’t have to know and I would find an hour or even half an hour and start digging and shifting what is causing you to be so fearful of him. When you become empowered you will start to feel and be capable of things you didn’t think possible. I completely understand as do many others, how horrible if feels to be locked in a guilded cage and feel there is no way out. Read the articles, the next article is vital and also look at the videos 1, 2 & 3 as it will start your healing of understanding what is playing out. (We become addicted to the abuse and control). Video 3 has a QFH session at the end. When I look back, when feeling like you are, I can’t believe how quickly my light has returned and now I also can’t believe I let him control me like he did. Melanie will guide you and please send her a brief email (too long and it will be hard for her to read). While waiting for her reply, try and try hard to get an understanding of what is happening. My cousin lives in Spain and wish to go there one day :)

    • Debbie, one more thing, it is important to understand he is ‘projecting’ his unhealed damaged parts onto you, which is what they all do. Know that it is important to start healing your unhealed parts that are keeping you ‘addicted’ to him. Ignore him, say nothing, don’t respond and don’t accept any abuse, no matter how hard it is to restrain from ‘biting back’ or defending yourself. This makes them even more empowered when we fight back. They are disordered and mostly untreatable even by experts. I wish for you to be empowered and would love to know how you are going. Please take the first step and save your soul. x

  40. Does anyone know of a direct way to contact Melanie directly via email? I’m having an awful time with the ‘thinking..thinking..thinking’ & have been doing no contact almost 2 months now. I have other issues I wanted to email her as well..i’m petrified of trying to go back & contact him even though I told HIM how important it is for him to never contact me again…there was physical violence so I want desperately not to give into my brain or heart..whichever it is :( Any help w/an email is greatly appreciated. Ps..yes, I purchased the recovery program. Thanks so much in advance..

  41. Hi D,

    Once you order NARP there is a step 4 in the process which you subscribe to which gives you direct access to my support as an additional part of the Program.

    Did you do this?…I will email you to send you the link to do so.

    Mel xo

  42. I left him about 3 weeks ago. I am staying with my mom in another state. And I am going through all of the painful thoughts and memories. I found a therapist and am trying to work on my past issues that have led me here. But days like today seem so impossible. I feel hopeless, scared and completely broken. I am so afraid this will never end.

  43. Hi Jamie,

    have you considered NARP – you can read lots of comments re other people that have experienced great breakthroughs and relief in the latest blog article. And many of them – like myself – tried everything else beforehand.

    Truly it is the most powerful recovery process I know of.

    Mel xo

  44. Hi Melanie. I have spent the last few weeks working with your books “Breaking the chains of painful love” and the last two days “Take back your power” and have had the most amazing shifts in consciousness. I have struggled for 25 years with my N and was so sceptical. After leaving him 8 months ago my subconscious eventually led me to you. And so my instincts are truly back on track. I just wanted to say thank you for your intricate insight into healing my broken soul.I look forward to blossoming-I think Quanta healing will be a nice present for myself.
    I look forward to the rest of my life…..

    Thankyou once again.

    Jane

  45. Hi Jane,

    lovely to receive your post! I am so glad the exercises in your book achieved such a shift.

    Truly Jane the heightened experience of you claiming your true, empowered self is so powerfully achieved in NARP…

    It would be lovely to meet you in a session, but one session with me is more expensive than the entire NARP Program – and in this Program you get all the tools (QFH) to keep continually creating yourself as the highest expression of ‘you’ – not just as reprogramming your past at the deeper cellular levels, but also the ability to shift any resistance that you may have blocking you obtaining your future goals in all areas of your life.

    If you wish to continue your self-development and learn the incredible ability to ‘shift yourself’ and have this heightened experience of ongoing self-creation I can’t recommend NARP enough.
    That will create unlimited blossoming for you!

    Mel xo

  46. I ended my relationship 2 weeks ago from my abusive partner. It was a 2 year toxic relationship of constant fighting, isolation from my friends, master manipulation, and he had a way of making me feel everything was my fault. I did try and reach out to him during these 2 weeks of separation to wish him well in his future endeavors and hoping we can remain cordial. He never responded and i guess ignored my text message. We work together in the same department and it makes it very difficult each day to see him at work. Then I have to go home and deal with what feels like withdraw. I guess the fact that we walk around as if we don’t know each other is really hurting me even though I know it’s probably for the best. I guess I just don’t understand his intent on ignoring me if our relationship is over.

  47. Welp, I guess its time to get NARP..cuz my brains gonna explode soon. The weird thing I’ve noticed is how often I jump from….ok he’s a narc,hate him, bad news to ….poor thing, raw deal in life..maybe I shud stay by his side..back to I gotta get out. When he degrades me I hate him…when he texts me and says nice thingsn I forget all the evil. I’m in another phase in my leaving the n. This journey sucks!

  48. What an interesting site! My ex is a narc and I had no contact for 10 years, now I am married to a normal person. I recently ran into the ex at a work reunion dinner and my mind immediately began to play tricks on me again. The traumatic bond and fantasy of the lost ideal love can be a powerful one. After 10 years of no contact, I can no longer remember the painful bits and I just thought he was adorable! I am a creative writer and I have noticed that my ex is now coming up in my stories. Luckily I am not likely to run into this guy again but it’s amazing how deceptive the mind can be.

  49. I am not sure if my boyfriend is a narc with commitment issues. While I read about many of the symptoms on websites and in books, I definitely see some narc traits in him. He deflects when I try to explain my feelings, he never wants to talk about the relationship, and I am pretty sure he lies to me about parts of his life. I also understand that I am not married or have kids with this man and could easily walk away, but, I can’t seem to walk away successfully.
    We have been on/off again for 3 years. Each time it starts with him being attentive for weeks where we talk and see each other often. Then he disappears for days, not returning my calls or texts and when I do hear from him he tells me he needs space and can’t commit to making any plans to see one another right now but will call me. I think this is about control for him. We’ve broken up several times because of it and the break up occurs when I start to push back and try to hold him accountable for his actions. He tells me that I am the issue. That I am selfish because I can’t understand his needs and I ask for too much. He says that he tries to meet my needs but its never enough for me and I ask for too much. The first few break ups were done by him, leaving me devastated. With the first break up I also caught him cheating and was blamed for that. I felt like it was my fault, that I am too needy and selfish. I find myself apologizing and I really believe that I am incredibly selfish. Am I possibly the abusive one in the relationship? Every time we get back together it seems great and that we are making progress to understand one another. I’ve learned to cope when he asks for space, to take that time for myself, and I usually hear from in shortly after. But, it gets exhausting, then we fall into the same habit of him becoming extremely distant, he doesn’t return my calls for texts, it leaves me feeling compartmentalized and put aside and it is very hurtful. This period of time really effects my life. Where I can’t focus on work or conversations with other people. I have a hard time eating and sleeping, and lately, have felt suicidal because I feel like I am not lovable. I have been on antidepressants for 2 years and in therapy for 6 months so I am trying to understand why I am in this emotionally draining relationship. It is very hard to leave. I have had 2 relationships before this one, spanning between 1 and 5 years so I know I am capable of being in a caring relationship that just don’t work in the end. Moving on is never easy but nothing compares to the difficulty I have leaving this current relationship.
    The truth isn’t clear to me. He has told me in the past that I am lucky I get to spend time with him as his girlfriend because no one else gets to be. He is very attractive, smart, charismatic, and has a lot of friends. This also makes me doubt myself because how could someone that I am perceiving to be quite difficult to deal with have so many friends that want to spend time with him? Oh, and I have never met his family. I have met only a couple of his friends casually, but, have not been included in anything social with his friends for over two years. I try to talk to my boyfriend about trying to incorporate each others into our lives but he gets defensive and I end up apologizing. As I write this I know something is definitely off.
    But, like I said, I can’t seem to leave because I go from feeling manipulated to feeling that it is my fault and I should try to be this way or that way. Then I replay parts of our relationship and go back to thinking I am being manipulated. I find myself wanting to talk to one of his friends or ex-girlfriends – to see what their experience has been with him, but I have no real connection with his friends to feel comfortable doing this. I feel stuck.

  50. I realize my post is very long. I already have a habit of thinking too much about things in general – and feel obsessed with analyzing every little part of this relationship over and over again and never understand it.

  51. Thanks so much Melanie. This message you wrote is so powerful and so true: “I am a source to myself of love, peace, wellbeing and calmness. I am safe and all of life supports me. Being rejected by someone who is abusive is not a threat to me – it is a gift to be released from abuse into peace and wholeness and my true choice of love and living.”

    I feel serene and peaceful.
    XX

  52. Hello, I have just been devalued and discarded by a very close frien.. I told him some home truths about himself, and now he has deleted and bocked me completely from facebook, and will not reply to my texts.. I have sent him so many though now, I look like an obsessed nutcase.. I am hurting so badly because he is a member of an anonymous group I attend, and now avoids the meetings I go to.. We were such close friends once and I miss him terribly.. Another friend who was also discarded by him, and is a psychiatric nurse has informed me that my friend is a narcissist.. My friend is also a psychiatric nurse… Please help me to LET GO!! I have prayed lots, but still want to talk to him and fix what I said to cause this fall out… Very very hearbroken I am… :’(

  53. Couldn’t read another thing on the INCREDIBLE GIFT what you are sharing here is without saying thank you, thank you, thank you <3333!

    I am filled with gratitude and hope with the incredibly clear and powerful awarenesses, wisdom and Truth I have been blessed to discover in your sharing.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for your choosing. It is a wonderful, wonderful gift.

  54. Hi Mel!
    I realized now that I could not continue in my recovery because I did not get my narcissist wife out of my head, and then my rage begin. It didn’t help me also that as a cristian I desired that my marriage was like a lifelong comittment, and that I should not break this compromise. Then you always have the expectation for the change in the narcissist (at that time, I was confused cause I didn’t know what narcisssism was). Your articles are wonderful, I need to move forward, forgive the narcissist and love myself, and that God would not want that I go on in this toxic relation!

  55. Hey all. No it is not you. Its the narcissistic person, but it is u because u allowed it. I’m my experience an I prayed to God too during my trauma and if I would’ve just said no. It would’ve saved our relationship. But maybe not because they always try another trick on you. Yet, changing you and your energy is key and its true how you are to do this without hoping to change the narc, yet it may chane them too!! A verse in the Bible: ‘If I be lifted up will draw all men unto me’ . Its sooo true, but what they don’t change because you do? Then that’s because maybe its not them for you in your life. Just BE and learn and grow and enjoy life. If they will change they will… keep your values and morals along this healing process, like Mel says drinking and other habits such as revenge do not help. You must be lifted up and stay up. A cute quote…. ” the only man that can find me is one who is in God, because I am in God”

  56. Hi – i totally understand what your saying – i have been trying not to think about my ex narcissistic husband but when your going through a really messy divorce with one its not so easy. Although my ex is moved on really quickly moved in with someone else really quickly and she is now pregnant he is dragging out our divorce due to finances and keeps holding everything up so my life and childrens are left very much in limbo and therefore it is hard to move forward as we still dont know if we are going to be able to keep our house and how much more debt we will accrue due to his actions and lies. How do you get someone out of your head & life when this is still going on – he is trying to get as much money out of me as possible he has already used it all before he left!

  57. Very helpful – thank you – many sufferers are women
    It’s harder as a man because one trait of the female narcissist is they are attractive and dress provocatively
    My fiancée was stunningly attractive and would almost always dress virtually like a tart for functions which for an alpha male meant it had a bearing on me tolerating the relationship which lasted for 6 years. She loved the attention and wanted to be photographed all the time. I have had to delete all such photos. Any other tips for my situation.

  58. I have been recoveing for a year after a strike by a narcissist. I knew him from before the online relationship as an aquaintenance from a good family. He carried on for four months 7 hours a night telling me I was the most wonderful woman and couldn’t live without me. He lured me to another state and took advantage of me very coldly, not talking much at all and rarely smiling. I thought he was just nervous…two weeks later he said he wanted to “save” the relationship. I have spent a whole year being nice and then being nasty to him online…sometimes he answered sometimes he didn’t. Finally he is having “no contact” but has not blocked me from emailing and texting him. I have spent so long trying to figure out if he is bad guy or not. Within 8 months he moved out of his parents place and is now married again to another woman (his fourth marriage). He is 50 years old. He was very sweet and claimed often that he never would hurt anyone although in one email he threatened to destroy me and my daughter…when called him on this, he said wouldn’t so much as touch a hair on my head. Any logic would say this is a bad guy…my craziness has kept me questioning this for months.

  59. I’m going on 4 weeks of no contact with Narcissistic mother. I cannot stop obsessing, researching, thinking about the past, and agonizing at the thought of having been sabotaged by my own mother. I am 35 years old….scapegoat daughter…spent my life in and out of psychiatric wards for depression, anxiety, drug abuse. I always knew my mother’s truth deep inside and I challenged her every step of the way throughout my childhood and now I see this is why I became the target. I don’t know who I am, where I’m going, or what to do. My father begged me to meet him and said he wanted to hear me out about going no contact but all he did was say things like “you reinvent the past, that never happened, if your mother is the problem why are your siblings ok and you aren’t? You’ve always been too sensitive, you always overreact, your mother and I are getting old, you don’t know how this is affecting us, why don’t you get over the past, you are an adult so start acting like it”. I am at a loss. I am financially ruined, I have no trust for anyone right now. I just want to sit home in my solitude and never come out. Where is the justice in all this. I have spent 35 years fighting a battle that I just learned I will never win…..and I am exhausted and bitter and full of grief.

  60. thank you so much for this. I was married to a narcissist for 12 years and had 2 kids with him. All I’ve been divorced from him and away from him for over 2 years, my mind never stops thinking about what he’s done to me and our children. The cheating the stealing the financial ruin, after years of putting us thru hell tossed us aside for another woman. Without an ounce of shame. He divorced me and married her at lightning speed lying to everyone including the kids. Now she’s his accomplice and supports all his evil tactics. They continue now together to cause chaos in our lives. But this article helped me so much. I’ve healed in so many ways but still obsessed about things and he’s on my mind constantly. I need to find a way to stop and with all the all the articles out there there is very little information about this topic so thank you. I know the power is within me to let all this go I just need to dig deeper

  61. Hello.

    Thank you.

    This is exactly where I am at, and I am very tired of it. I had an intense but brief (three-month) relationship with a man I believe to be a narc way back in 2012. Yet I am still depressed about it and thinking about him constantly now in 2014. I feel like I am breaking.

    Do you have any tips on how to start this journey of inner healing? I was seeing a counsellor for some months, but I couldn’t help feeling that he didn’t get what I was going through. He wanted me to fix my relationship with XN, but to me that feels completely implausible.

    Is it a question of finding a different therapist? I have even considered hypnosis; anything that will take this pain away and let me get on with my life.

    • Hi SECM,

      It is really, really normal to be hit so hard by these relationships that they are not like ‘getting over’ a normal heartbreak.

      SECM, the entire accumulation of my work, wisdom and resources is the NARP Program and it has already facilitated thousands of recoveries in over 50 countries.

      NARP is the most effective recovery process I currently know of in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. It also comes with a full money guarantee, so there is no risk in working with it.

      If you read all the Thriver stories and testimonies you will understand what NARP has done for many people – even those who had previously tried ‘everything’ to get well.

      I was one of those people also..

      Here is the link to becoming a NARP member http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

      Mel xo

  62. Thank you for this. I already knew what you wrote but somehow my mind and spirit became side tracked and I found myself stuck again. I broke up with HIM three months ago and chgd my number. I was healing and empowering my life based on the lessons I learned. Then he contacted me via email last month.

    I should have ignored it but I felt this need to tell him what he’d done to me. And I thought that maybe I could say something that would open his eyes and inspire change in him..not to get back together but for his own happiness. I loved him that much. Big mistake. He feigned ignorance, dismissed my feelings, blamed me, and acted like like a victim. Like always. Thats when it hit me that he is really mentally ill. I went back to my life, seemingly unaffected, when out of nowhere I began to have nightly dreams about him.

    And now here I am feeling gutted all over again, and all the progress I made out the window. I’ve been pretty listless for the last 3 days, I haven’t really slept or eaten, and I’ve been crying. I actually considered calling him and apologizing for something I said during our last email xchange (I told him he was a manipulative lying insecure awful human being). Not because I didnt mean it, but because I felt guilty for losing my cool and hurting him. Because I dont want to be anything like him. And because he doesnt know he’s an N so my words just felt mean spirited to him. Or maybe he just pretends to not get it, who knows.

    But however good my intentions, I wont waste my time. It will only make him think he’s won. I feel so sad for being naive. The irony is I have learned the true meaning of love thru this experience. For all the pain he has put me thru (and wont acknowledge), I still can find a place in my heart to want the best for him and not want to hurt him. But he doesnt deserve it. Oh, the irony. I am afraid that I will never be rid of his me.ory entirely. Unlike alot of other stories I’ve read, he treated me like a queen most of the time, helped me to realize my goals, always encouraged me. It seemed so real..and some of the happiest moments of my life. When I’m feeling confused about something, or excited, its him that I want to call but cant. I think he tried to love me as best he could but his own insecurities caused him try to manipulate me into believing he was the only one who knew me, tried to gaslight me because he knew that I was a strong woman and he needed me to look UP to him, to be my hero, to seem wanted by every other woman so I would think he was a prize. He didnt have to do any of those things because I cuz see his heart. He was just desperate for unconditional love.

    But he ruined it all with his half truths and ego boosting tactics..and worst of all not respecting my feelings when it really mattered. He had to be right always so he would make me think something was wrong with my logic. He used things I told him about my life before him to win arguments. I could go on…its all so confusing and the hardest part is not knowing how much of it was real. We were together two years.

    I am 40, divorced mom of two (not with him) and I thought he was it, finally. And now I find myself brokenhearted once again. It feels so unfair. I am a good person, with a good heart and good intentions. :’(

  63. Thank you for this site. And for all the comments..
    I have nothing more to add.It seems these people are all the same. Taking good people and making them feel worthless, powerless and alone..
    They bring utter misery into our lives. Yet they blame us for it.
    WE loose friends. Because we want to be fun to be around , want to enjoy and be enjoyed .So we stay away from friends out of our own misery..
    Cause me ARE good people..
    WE end up mashed under their heartless feet.
    And then sneered at for the mess we are ..
    Its vicious and horrible.
    And no good person should suffer at their hands.
    Yet its the good people that are vulnerable to them.
    Their own kind wouldn’t take it.
    So I hope others find a way , away from these people..
    Get away before they have spent years with them, and then have to spend years getting through the emotional mess they have been made of.
    I am older and most of my good years were spent trying to appease this kind of person.
    he is still coming into my life, as he feels he has every right to. After all he is the GOOD guy, being the kind one willing to associate with me the Bad one~!
    Siiiiih :(
    Trust me.. Nothing you say, do .NO tears or pleas.No act of kindness, bravery or love from others. Will make these people show you love too.
    IN fact the opposite.
    You can’t win.
    So its all in realizing that and walking away.
    YOu will NEVER get the love, respect and kindness you hope for.
    Its not in them.
    Its not you ..It IS in FACT TRULY THEM..
    Don’t let them tell you any different..!
    If it feels unfair, if it feels like a lie..
    IT IS..

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