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Ignoring a narcissist is critical – it is a skill that will save your life. And there is no time that ignoring a narcissist is more important than when a narcissist tries to punish you.

Narcissists love to get your reaction. And as soon as they do, you are handing power away.

This is how narcissists “prosper” – they like to know that they have infiltrated your thoughts, heart, mind and Soul to the point where they are everything to you – front and center, sideways, up and down and inside and out.

That is what it feels like when a narcissist gets their tentacles into you … like everything you used to think is tipped upside down and turned on its head.

Until we know better we think that combating a narcissist, when their cruel punishment emerges, can stop the battering – the onslaught of twists, turns, mind-bends and outright abuse.

But it can’t.

In fact, every time we “go in” trying to get some sort of decency, accountability or sanity, things escalate and we end up even more disorientated, broken and traumatised than before.

What is the solution?

It is the VERY thing that is the ONLY solution.

Totally ignoring them, which means granting them no energy, no response and no bite back.

I discovered that ignoring the narcissist was the most difficult when he was trying to punish me.

These were the times when he’d decided I was somehow injuring his False Self and I needed to be throttled back into line.

This could amount to not meeting him at the door to greet him adequately. To punish me, he would abandon me and leave.

And … there were the times when he believed I slighted him, causing him to lash out with verbal abuse, name calling and intensely derogatory statements about my character.

Other times of punishment were when he believed I was involved with other men and would threaten or become physically violent with me.

I could go on and on … as I am sure you also could about the ways the narcissist in your life has punished you.

And for most mere mortals, like me and you, initially it is almost impossible to not react to a narcissist’s cruel and disproportionate behavior, when the punishment CLEARLY does not match the supposed crime.

Especially, if you are like me, a high-powered passionate person who has specific beliefs about life and others and how people should treat each other with integrity.

I used to be one of these people who HATED injustice vehemently. For me to sit back and shut my mouth when something was blatantly “wrong”, “unfair” or “ridiculous” was like not brushing my teeth in the morning.

It truly was part of my make-up.

So, as far as the narcissist was concerned, my previous self was the perfect target for narcissistic supply – because all he had to do was do something odd / wrong / unjust / cruel / unfair and I’d be all over it.

Before my intense recovery journey, I just thought I was doing the right thing by confronting him. I didn’t realise the repercussions of my intensely co-dependent (sourcing my life from outside of me by trying to force other people to grant me myself) behaviour.

What I was doing was defying all the rules of Quantum Law – so within, so without.

This is the absolute nature of this Law: whenever we try to change someone else to grant us inner peace and happiness, we are firmly in Wrong Town … and all we get is MORE inner turmoil and unrest in our attempts.

The other thing that Quantum Law forces us to get (and hopefully we do finally awaken to it) is that inner peace and happiness is our own foundational responsibility and then and only then will other people with healthy resources follow.

In this article I wish to share with you the five most important understandings and processes to ignore narcissists, especially at the times when they try to hurt you the most.

 

#1 – Know Ignoring A Narcissist Hurts Them More Than Anything

I have found this key truth is very useful for people, to help them ignore narcissists before going to work on their Inner Game – meaning detoxing their trauma and reprogramming their painful beliefs.

Initially, it is very human that we want to get back at narcissists; we want them to suffer. They have hurt us, and what they have done to us defies our sense of loyalty, love and what we stand for as human beings.

Please know even though I am all for Quantum Recovery where we purposefully evolve ourselves to the stage where we have no need for narcissists to experience anything at all for us to have a truly wonderful, rich and expansive life (true Quantum Cellular Freedom), I deeply acknowledge the stages we go through emotionally.

Revenge and wanting to pay back, for most of us, is initially very real and coursing through our Being. As long as we are prepared to work towards our inner recovery as soon as possible, this can be a helpful step to start ignoring a narcissist.

KNOWING nothing hurts a narcissist more than ignoring them.

It renders them insignificant, meaningless and void.

That is the deepest fear of the narcissist – having people turn their back on them and let go, because there is NO greater narcissistic injury. It is literal emotional annihilation.

Please know you have a window of time with your own emotions with this – yes ignore a narcissist because you know it hurts them more than anything, but start your recovery in deep earnest immediately as well – because if you don’t your ego’s delight at ignoring them will be VERY short lived.

The ego never holds energy and peace durably. It needs constant proof and confirmation.

Therefore, without deep healing processes to detoxify yourself from the narcissist, you will want to check up – such as look up social media, or get in contact with people the narcissist knows to see IF your ignoring them has really hurt them.

Your attention will still be on the narcissist, which means that it isn’t going towards your healing and recovery, and you will still be drained of and handing energy away.

This is why it is important to use this knowledge as your kick start ONLY.

 

#2 – Know That Granting A Narcissist Energy Is Handing Them The Bullets To Shoot You With

When we understand the Rules of Engagement with a narcissist, this gives us more reason to ignore them rather than go to war.

And … of course this helps lead us to the space to get onto working on our Inner Healing.

Narcissists are not like normal people in arguments and times of conflict. For most people conflict drains energy from their Inner Being – it is distasteful, painful and exhausting.

Narcissists are the opposite; conflict, drama and trauma energises them.

The narcissist’s TRUE feelings about him or herself are disastrous – hence why a fictitious character was created by him or her to be a buffer between the narcissist and his or her inner wounds.

This entity, known as Ego (False Self), is running the narcissist’s emotions and life and feeds from pain.

In stark contrast, the entity known as the True Self, (which still exists within us, even if not free yet because of internal trauma) feeds off and blossoms from love, authenticity and truth.

Because the narcissist is self-divorced from his or her True Self, the narcissist cannot feel, register or hold good feelings. He or she can only operate within the range of painful feelings. All “good” feelings, for a narcissist are delusional / obsessive and ego driven.

We are no match for a narcissist in a battle, who like a shark in blood infested waters, gets switched on and powered up.

We … instead … are torn to shreds.

It’s your ego that wants to fight on, but our True Self knows that the energy being expended and the brutalisation we suffer is not worth it, and is NOT who you really are.

Your True Self is screaming at you this: Pull away and heal and create yourself as a Being that is impervious to abuse. Don’t try to fight back because you will only feed it, absorb it and become it.

 

#3 – The Narcissist Has Shown Us What We Need To Heal

If you pull away using the inspiration that ignoring the narcissist hurts them the most, and you have stopped handing energy and power to them, then it’s time to make it ALL ABOUT working on your own Inner Being to heal yourself.

This is when we step into the Quantum Power of ignoring the narcissist. This is a much improved model rather than having to continually remind ourselves why we need to stay away.

When we heal the Thriver Way, we stay away … for good.

This is only possible when we start the determined work on our Inner Game – the detoxing of our inner trauma and reprogramming of our painful beliefs.

By doing so, a profound switch comes on … this …

What you are PUNISHING me with is EXACTLY the unhealed parts of me that I need to heal to NOT only ignore you for real, but to free myself from all feelings of enmeshment, love and neediness with you. I know now by doing so, you will become totally irrelevant to me, and I will then transcend into relationships which ARE healthy, whole and real.

This is a massive cause for celebration truly … and I promise you it is the truth. This is the truth that ultimately has set me and so many others free.

It’s then that ignoring a narcissist becomes pretty easy … because we have made the journey all about loving and healing ourselves instead of trying to make the narcissist morph into someone who will love and care for us decently.

How it went for me is how it goes for all of us. I clung to the narcissist initially like a woman in a typhoon hanging onto the side of a sinking ship.

I was drowning, yet I thought he was my only option to live.

Why did I do this?

Because all the ways I had felt as a child, and how I had grown up to treat myself … feeling not good enough, feeling loved with conditions, feeling not heard, not able to have my own rights, and not being capable to generate my own life … were all the aspects of myself under serious threat again.

Whilst I had these unhealed wounds, I was holding the messenger of these wounds (him) responsible for fixing these wounds.

Why do any of us cling?

Because the unhealed child within us is dictating our emotions and our life.

When I pulled away and healed these original traumas, all of my graduation happened … just as it has for thousands of people already in this Community, and just as it will for you.

It’s a beautiful day when the narcissist tries to trigger you and there is simply NO trauma there for him or her to trigger.

That’s when your response is indifference and you have nil reaction. No charge felt in your body means there is no trauma remaining.

This is the level we are capable of healing to now, and being freed from the narcissist is only a part of it. The real truth is this: we are freeing ourselves from internal trauma which has caused us to hand power away in many areas of our life.

#4 – Life Has Our Back And Will Support Us If We Let It

One of the greatest reasons why we can’t ignore the narcissist is because we think that letting go means we will be unsafe, undefended and throttled by them.

Boy does this one take some work on our Inner Being – BIG time!

I know from my own personal experience, and as a result of helping many people in this Community heal from narcissistic abuse, one of the biggest hooks we have that keeps us going back for more is crisis consciousness.

It is that terror that things out of our control, especially when they become scary or threatening, are going to get us. That we will be hurt immensely, ripped apart and taken down.

These traumas come from feeling terrified and powerless as children if we were violated, but they are also more than that … they are literal human DNA epigenetic terrors that are wedged in so many human being’s DNA as a part of the inherited human experience.

Look at our human history – it’s brutal. So many of us carry terror, aspects of powerlessness and abuse programs deeply entrenched within us.

A miracle starts to happen when we target that stuff and release it. All of a sudden we KNOW with every cell of our Being that we do have incredible power – dictated through the composition of our Inner Being.

When we are no longer riddled with fear and all of our cells vibrate with the knowing that we are loved and adored beyond measure simply because we exist (which is our organic state when we lose our programs and traumas of fear) then for the first time in our Life we feel SAFE.

And I mean truly safe, and we know that whatever it is that is inauthentic outside of us is not our reality and cannot affect us.

So … I can’t recommend enough how important it is to work on these inner programs to be free of them.

 

#5 – It’s Only Important What You Think Of You

Narcissists get us triggered and enmeshed when we start focusing on all the terrible things they do.

Such as the smear campaigns and abuse by proxy – the fabricating of lies and using methods to discredit us and render us powerless.

When we are shocked, devastated and traumatised by the false allegations and terrible things being said and spread about us, as well as people turning away and against us in droves … then we are in trouble.

We feel like we can’t ignore what is happening to us. We want to defend, have a right of reply and discredit the person who is tearing our reputation to shreds, or maybe attempting to get us prosecuted.

I promise you this one – Step 5 – is incredibly connected to the essential inner work.

One of the biggest hooks that narcissists get us on, is our fear of authority and the terror of being persecuted.

These are two of the human frailties of powerlessness in our DNA caused by the terrible atrocities that have occurred in the human experience, and which have been passed on as trauma epigenetically within families down the line.

This painful belief wedged in our Inner Identity goes like this: If people think I’m bad or that what I have done is wrong, I will be hurt and could even die.

Is it any wonder that we are triggered into white hot terror when we discover what has been said about us, or when legal authorities confront us as a result of the narcissist’s lies?

HOW can we ignore the narcissist when this happens? We can’t.

Logically we can’t. Mere logic, which is only responsible for 5% of our Life, has no power against an almighty triggered subconscious survival program.

There is only one way to truly heal from this – address the subconscious program at its root. Because when we have targeted and released these traumas that are deep within our DNA then we start going free.

I hold your hand and take you through this step-by-step in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. 

Then we are not triggered. We know we are not that person that other people believe we are. We no longer fear that people and authorities will turn against us.

Instead, we calmly and clearly show the facts, or we just know that being ourselves is enough, or even doing nothing is okay – regardless of what people think.

Then, what we find is the terror campaigns fall flat. They just don’t get off the ground. We are believed, we are safe.

People who want to join the narcissist can, but we have ourselves and other people in our life who know who we are.

The greatest gift is, unconditional of our outside word, we KNOW who we are and we know we are safe.

Then we discover this: Life follows.

 

In Conclusion

After being hooked up with a narcissist, watching them, confronting them and having our entire Soul and life overtaken by them, letting go and ignoring them will feel totally counter-intuitive at first.

Yet, I promise you, when done in conjunction with healing your Inner Being, detaching and generating your life will be the most natural, healthy thing you have ever done in your life.

This creates a healthy template for you, as to how to live your life in ways that serve you immensely. Such as, making it your mission to control your inner world and THEN seeing your outer world transform.

I can’t tell you what a relief it is to stop trying to control everything outside of us (which is too big and way too impossible) and instead make the change that changes everything … on the inside.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is the program that makes this possible.

Narcissists are the pinnacle of uncontrollable!! Hence teaching us this self-empowerment lesson.

I’d love to connect to your comments and questions about this topic below!

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212 thoughts on “5 Steps To Ignoring A Narcissist Who Tries To Punish You

  1. Thank you for this. After growing up with a mother who was a narc and not dealing with the trauma, I began to become into awareness when I married in 2013. I’m grateful I was able to walk away after 3 years and realizing the common thread between to the two. I’ve been healing for the last year and its prepared me to deal with a narc boss. I didn’t realize at first she was until about 6 months ago…so I trusted my instinct and knew I would need to move on. I told her last week and while she is trying to make my remaining time there hell I’ve decided to not respond. I’m taking a new position in a different dept. She’s furious yet “acting” as if she is happy while trying to sabotage. Its like dealing with my mom…yet here’s the difference. Back then I had no voice. I had no choice but to take it. Now I get to choose me. Every. Single. Day.

    I’m quietly making an exit plan to leave sooner than I originally planned. A year ago or 2 years ago I would have allowed my ego to take over and fed into her madness. It’s sad to watch yet I know I only need to be responsible for my actions, reactions and my response.

      1. This is bang on for me Melanie, I have lived in terror and fear all my life. My father was very controlling, aggressive and abusive I watched my mom get the worst treatment and I would call on my elder brothers to help then I would jump in to help. Wow this explains so much to me. I have a lot of trauma and I am so ready to set myself free from all this insanity. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding my hand and helping me.

        1. thanx, this is very helpful, given that i feel very vulnerable at the moment. i have been married for 10 years 2 my narc, after i had my 3rd baby 8 month ago, he just came an told me he wants me to give him z permission to do a second marriage. i was just shocked bcoz we were a happy complete family where i did my best 4 everything to run smoothly and my eldest always called me daddy’s supper hero as i always found solutions for his endless problems with work. so, yes i was shocked and told him no, i will never accept such a thing. i begged him 2 think about our children and not 2 destroy their stable life. even though he had cheated on me i was prepated to turn a blind eye for the sake of the kids, but he did not listen and married the other woman. i was devastated, my family took me in, they supported me emotionally and morally and financially as he was not giving anything for tje kids. then when i was trying to understand how could a loving husband turn such a treacherous person that i came across the term narcissism and since i am ever grateful to god for removing me from such a marriage because when i was living it i was not realising what was happening and how i was being manipulated. i am more afraid for the kids and how all this will affect them. my 8year old daughter is already showing signs of narcism and i dont know what to do about it😢my 4 year old keeps asking for his father bcoz the little time he spent with them he love bombed them. and me am still too fragile, at times i just want to end all this and return back to him, but my self respect refuses to give in. i still want to clarify my name and to justify. it is so difficult to handle the smear campaign. plz help me😢

          1. Hi Anjum,

            I am so sorry that you’ve been going through this, this is absolutely heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you.

            Anjum the most important thing for you and your children is for you to heal and lead the way.

            I would love you to come into one of my free webinars http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar so that I can explain to you in much greater detail how this is possible.

            Sending you love, strength and healing

            Mel 🙏💕💚

        2. I lived with a vengeful, hateful mother and married a malignant sociopathic covert narcissist who was financially abusive. He is now in a nursing home and the abuse continued for years, u til he made one final threat to financially destroy me. I served him with divorce papers and am going to be free from him once this virus allows us out of the house again so I can file the final decree. It felt good to say “No more”

          1. I just left a narcissist man that I lived with for ten years. Took abuse from him his adult sons and his daughter n law. He drank daily along with all of them and then the abuse was even worse from them calling me names to them tormenting me and lying constantly and me defending myself! I am struggling right now to ignore him and need help staying on the right path! He allowed his adult kids in their 30’s to abuse me and it was awful when they were all drinking! The daughter n law was constantly doing smear campaigns and lying to people in our small town! I could go on and on about the abuse but I just need some support!

      2. After reading this Melanie, I am sad to say but I think my son is displaying narcissistic abuse towards me as an adult. He was a very sweet child and adolescent but since he’s been married he has changed dramatically. He has been cruel towards me and doesn’t allow me to see my two granddaughters. Does this mean that I am a narcissist two and have passed it down to him?This is frightening to think about. My mother what’s the total narcissist.

    1. AMB, thanks for your post! I’ve had an N mother, ex-husb, ex-boss experience as well – nearly killed me (managing fear of annihilation was my daily paralyzing experience)… I love the empowerment you express – the quiet exit plan… so cool… It wasn’t until I discovered Melanie and NARP work (last year) that I could finally start believing there is peace despite the fact that justice, decency and support are just NOT negotiable with certain people (Ns, or just the limited). What I knew before was insisting (doesn’t work, ever). But, in order to get to that epiphany I’ve had to clear the emotional landmines within myself that these people (or future people) might step on. Outside that, one can never quietly moving on with trust as you described… to the healthy people and situations 🙂 Bravo AMB! You’re doing it! This is a process of course… but the NARP modules truly collapse space and time in healing don’t they…

      Melanie is spot on as usual on this topic of ignoring… Thank you lovely Mel for spelling out so perfectly this dynamic and providing the anecdote. I too am a justice, safety and rightness junky in recovery (junky meaning needing the wrong place/person to provide the right things). I have found that only the NARP program has helped my body to feel neutral and courageous in the face of crazy.

      Anyone contemplating giving NARP a go, PLEASE don’t hesitate! Believe the success stories you read below 🙂 xxxx

      1. Help! I want to ignore a narc at work but I am trapped to be his team mate which makes it almost impossible not to interact. Every interaction is a deadly cycle – blaming me and boasting about himself. Please, I need suggestions. It is my first job in USA and this country seems to have the most number of narcs at workplaces and home. Thank you !

    2. So happy for you AMB. I had a mother who was the same and thanks to M.T.E I have seen the light in dealing with my ex husband who is the same.. Loving life now!! TAB.

    3. Well done for recognising your narc Boss. I also have a narc mother and it has always been an incredibly difficult abusive relationship – only recently realising that because of my conditioned relationsip with a narc (mother) other narcs may have crept into my life too – I now believe my last boss was a narc but did not realise this at the time, maybe because he seemed so in noccuous but used other people to do the dirty. I could improve the situation by fighting back but of course this only ended up in trauma and damage to me with the whole organisation turning on me – I wish I had, seen, like you, that the wisest and strongest action is to walk away – you must be incredibly strong to just ride out the storm of her fury – good luck in your new position

    4. Deeply resonated on so many levels – you are a life saver! Loving the bit about the ego and no contact – and that not lasting if you are feeling like you have the power in the situation. – re you don’t until the REAL inner healing and work is done. I also recognise the void to face and “boredom” that i need to confront when things are NOT in a state of distress etc.

      Question: Wanting to know for myself, how to address the childhood trauma – i had a really good upbringing but obviously some stuff there that needs addressing which i acknowledge. Journalling? Advice on this be great. Thank you for this wonderful resource – it is so helpful
      Sarah – NZ

      1. Hi Sarah,

        I’m so pleased that this resonated with you.

        Sarah the way that myself and others in this community located, loaded up and released and reprogrammed their inner childhood traumas was with the NARP program.

        You can find out more details about this at http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

        Humbly it is an incredibly powerful system to do this, hence why there have been so many spectacular and unprecedented recovery stories in this community.

        Much love to you and you are very welcome.

        Mel 🙏💕💛

    5. I have been married to a narcissist for 40 + years and when I retired it really showed their head. They are a perfectionist also. So it’s instructions, lectures and conspiracies about everyone on a daily occurrence. I can not afford to leave at this time so all I can do is be complacent (even though I do many constructive jobs around the house) or I get in the car and drive away for the day.
      I’m frustrated, saddened, nervous, and have that sense of hopelessness in my gut. I worked very hard in my life to get to this. I feel like a naughty child who has to shamelessly take the blame for my failed marriage which I was told I caused from the beginning. I have so many things to say but I’m comatose at the same time.
      I am grey rocking but I still have to communicate somewhat. I’m glad your around Mel but I’ve never plan to be out this marriage and now I’m paying the price.

      1. Gary…I felt compelled to respond to your comment. I too have been married to a narcissist for almost 4 decades. I didn’t even know the term until about 3 years ago. our youngest son told me to Google the word. I lived my life trying to be perfect…trying to prove my love for him…hopeful that someday he could love me…then I found out a woman whom he had had an “emotional” affair was still in his life on a daily basis. He tells me that I’m menopausal, I’m psychotic, I’m unstable every single time I try to have any kind of conversation with him. I am financially stuck as well. I’m trying to heal my heart..learn to love myself enough to ignore his horrible comments and hurtful silent treatments. I am blessed with amazing children who have become wonderful adults despite their upbringing. I know that life is too short to live this miserable.. I hope you know that you are not alone. Find peace and harmony within yourself…and love yourself enough to heal. #workinprogress

    6. Both my mother and my identical twin sister are narcissists. My mother, I realized long ago. My sister and I had to work together to survive her as young girls. Adolescence changed that. My sister (now age 46) is a covet narcissist. It was hard to come to terms with this and non-,twins cannot begin to understand the profound loss of your twin. I’m now in no contact with either of them…my heart breaks everyday. I am truly mourning. The info provided is validating, which is always helpful. Today is another step, learning to love, trust myself and thrive.

    7. wow I searched the web for help and couldn’t find anything helpfull until I came across your article.

      thank you so much for the help as I am currently experiencing the very thing you wrote.

      1. Melanie, I cannot thank you enough for the wording in your advice that has resonated so strongly with me. There is absolutely no doubt
        in my mind that my Mission is to Heal myself completely. A narc mirror is the perfect template for this healing to occur. I would never
        have imagined that this would be happening to me at this time in my life.

          1. Hello MElanie , How are you ?
            I have my moms sister who is a narcissi and everyti,e we talk about something we end up arguing she’s careless , she doesn’t apologize its just so difficult with her.
            Today my mom was looking at a cup and she said this cup is dirty then i said its the persons fault who actually didn’t look at it while putting it away.then she starts t tell me that i am the one who’s doing your chores,and i told her not to do it this time she’s not forced like she does the job and then she tells me I’m doing your chores and its like what is wrong with her . she doesn’t act like a aunt she’s more like a little child who talks about simple stuff basic stuff, she’s like a snake whatever u tell her she will say it back.

            i don’t know what to do with this person its tough, feels like she doesn’t care about my feelings and then she blames her arguments on me.

          2. Such sage, sound advice. Moved recently after 28 lovely years to our dream home only to be derailed by a truly Nasty narc neighbour who had opinions on where we parked our car, painted our fences and houses and generally tried to make our lives hell. He even called the police on us after we painted our side of a small fence he had put up attaching it to ours,! Thankfully they were very understanding and advised no contact at all. 18 months on we have continued to ignore him and his wife who appears truly controlled by him. Ignoring truly is the way forward and rendering him invisible to us has saved our sanity. We are still not completely at ease but as each week and month that passes we hopefully grow and flourish in our own well being and the narc stays put in his own personal hell thank you for your wise comforting words

        1. I have a narc husband that I had left him a few months ago because he didn’t let me go to visit my mom, and said go and never come back, I did not responded him so far, now I feel trapped in another country with my mom that she treat me so confusing, I feel I hate her and deep down I blame her for everything, she behaives so differently, loving, caring, controling, uncarying, using, worthy and unworthy and to her people know and worth better but she never say the word, I dont know if she is narc or not, but I felt so bad with all those changing behaviours, I asked my daughter to help me to find place to leave and I come back to US, she who was encouraging me all the time to leave my abusing husband and involved in leading me to leave him, refused to help me and ignoring me completly since a few months ago, I feel betrate and lost.I regret the whole thing happened, some times I want to go back, at least I had a daughter, I lost my 27 years of my life.

  2. you are so on it and enlightened , thank you for talking sense, the only one I can relate to on this stuff
    !

      1. I am stuck in the middle of this now and having an extremely hard time. This 6th discard in 3 years has put me in a place of job loss he caused now loss of my home and car. I’m having panic attacks and hiding out in my bedroom. He has blocked me from cell calls n texts. Last contact was june 21 via email. I said my last words to him and there’s been no contact either way since. I know eventually he will and I plan to ignore. I did all the wrong things. I did fight back. Stand up for myself and yes it only fed him power. He’s managed to change my entire life. My friends we had gone. My fun we shared gone. The place I thought I fit in for 3 years gone.
        He took my money….left me broke after looking me in the eyes in jan professing love and him here to help me. Once he got all he wanted he turned cold n arrogant. Blaming me everytime I reached out to ask for anything he had said.
        3 years lies cheating.. abuse… just feel so played like a fool. So many chances I gave obviously this is 6th time.I see now he only loved n came to me when he needed something. Which humiliates me more. I’ve thought of moving and to him vanishing where he loses the control of knowing where he could find me if he wanted to. I’m just so lost right now. I cry . Im ok for a bit. Then cry again. I feel like I have lost myself and he’s out living the high life that I helped him achieve.

        1. I have been going through something similar ( lies, cheating, no affection, etc.) for about 7 years . We don’t share many assets but we do have a 5 year old together. That is the hardest part. I wanted a loving family to grow old with and it is just fizzling away.. i

        2. I’m in the same situations, I was with my ex for for years. Omg, for years living hell. We have a child together, omg I don’t wish that for no women, it’s very hard for me to move on. I’m on so much pain right now. I feel so humiliated by him, he’s a big liar, after I break up with me, he found his in back to me by saying let’s work things out, Oh I need my family back, please baby I will change. He was lying about everything. The worst thing he having sex with everybody he see. Without no protection, he have 6 kids with 5 babymamas. He have 3 kids 6 years old who was born month after each other, 1 is 5 years old, 2 is 3 years old they both 6 months apart. That man is a big hoe I haven’t see. He is a big manipulative, he never done anything wrong, is always my fault. He done me dirty, he have no remorse. I really need some help, cause I never see anything like that

        3. Please do Mel’s free courses to start with….they will help tremendously. We cannot source from the outside when the trauma within us needs healing. The only way through this is to do the healing…..do the Narp program. There is nothing else to do …..but it begins with you…..❤️

      2. I just want to thank you so much. You have no idea how relieved I am to read this. I started thinking I was the narcissist. I thought I was literally going crazy. I feel so much relief. Thank you thank you

      3. Hi i am lizette been losing myself in many ways only got info yesterday 14th feb that my ex boyfriend is a narcissist

        1. He has reeled me in and done things said things to hurt me to bulling me to torment me and abused me so bad i have lost my self esteem i have no intrest in life i have given up all hope i use to think it was me what did i say or do why did he do this to me why did he leave me or how did this happen why did he treat me so was it me did i do or say something wrong i have lost myself i feel weak and i have been feeling this way almost 4years

  3. Thank you for this. There is currently a case against me pending in court and he is currently adding to his case with further false allegations and is using the police to harass me now after I was granted Non-harassment Orders a few months ago, after the trial against him. He made counter allegations that I am stalking him and even reversed our roles, telling the police I harassed him in a local bar. What actually happened was he came into the bar accusing various men of being my boyfriend, making threats and announcing he’s my boyfriend. I’d made it clear (many times) that there was no relationship. I wrote, returned all gifts and phoned him in an exasperated state telling him again to stop it, giving him the ‘stalking’ evidence. He’d been stalking me for 2 years to such an extent it felt safer seeing him, than not. It’s an absolutely horrendous situation and I am thankful to have the modules.

    1. Hi Sharon,

      that is so good that you are working with NARP and shifting out the trauma.

      Pease know this Dear Lady when there is no charge left inside regarding him and what he is trying to do – that is when you will get the breakthrough on the outside.

      You are close – keep going … know that this is your goal.

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Melanie,

      This is my ego talking, but even if he discarded me is the fact I’m ignoring him now going to bother him? I noticed he unblocked my phone. I blocked him for good. Just still having trouble healing. I am also just starting your NARP program. Thank you for helping so many people. 💜🙂

      Rachel

      1. Hi Rachel,

        It is totally understandable and human that you are feeling like this.

        The thing with and is that even if we still have energetic attachments to the, they are still feeding off us psychically.

        It’s great you have got NARP. Your salvation is from diving into the healings as soon as you can.

        It will help you heal beyond measure.

        Sending healing and breakthroughs to you.

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

  4. Excellent piece Melanie,
    I’m just starting dissoluton proceedings of my civil partnership with my narc, there has been a smear campaign and abuse by proxy from a therapist (of all people) my narc is friendly with now. Who has a history of abusing people too. Threats of reporting me to the authorities etc…
    As you advise I have ignored it all and I know it must drive them both nuts…my theory is give my narc enough rope and she’ii eventually hang herself…I have been blessed with so much support from friends and women in the gay community I don’t know that well but who have approached me and told me they know how this pair are operating.
    Genuine caring people, it’s been a godsend.
    I also plan to use Ross Rosenbergs trick “observe don’t obsorb” when I have to face her during negotiations.
    Keep up the wonderful work, it was a clip of yours that gave me my lightbulb moment about a year and a half ago and I wanted to thank you for opening my eyes to my unhealed stuff.

    1. My ex narc was in therapy for 2 years and the therapist never recognized she was a narc. I’ve also heard similar stories from others. Narcs can fool therapists into thinking they are poor Cinderellas and the world has dealt them a bad hand.

    2. Hi Susan,

      thank you and I am happy that you enjoyed it 🙂

      That is wonderful that you are detached, working on you and being empowered in this.

      You are so welcome Susan … I will, keep it up, and you keep Thriving too!

      Mel xo

  5. thanks melonie the narc is ignoring all attempts I’m making to get to court to finalise property settlement which will realice me of entangle meant I’m in the house we built alone and the triggers are everywhere and i have little or no freinds around …he knows I’m struggling financially and emotionally …i have my solicitor as my front man but every day i deal with big time abandonment …he knows it …the longer he leaves me sitting here i think the more he thinks I’m gunna buckle …im not your healing models are keeping me going thnkyou so much …he thinks i want him back now theres a laugh

    1. Hi Sue,

      keep NARPing … you have named the parts inside that he triggers significantly – and when you heal and shore these up the whole thing with what is happening will shift.

      You are on your way to not only getting free from him, but also being freed into your True Self and True Life.

      It is sooo worth it!

      Mel xo

  6. Hi Mel,

    It is wonderful that you have emphasised the criticality of ignoring the N at all costs, in conjunction with the inner work on ourselves. This would be infinitely easier without children involved, as my ex-N uses fake scenarios involving their welfare as bait, together with litigation threats and ultimatums (ie that I will lose access to the girls, and he will put me in jail; is a common scenario). He sets me up for persecution on a regular basis – accusing me of weird and absurd things, or acts which he has done himself. Together with damaging the girls so that I have to witness their distress upon returning from his care.

    I have seen for myself that silence is like kryptonite to Narcs – and over time (2 years in my case) – they eventually realise that you have withdrawn their supply, and they must source it elsewhere in order to survive. I still have progress to make, but with NARP I have been able to shift my sense of worthlessness and complete helplessness in terms of being afraid for my safety and welfare, and that of my girls, to a solid sense of ‘knowing’, and no longer feeling compelled to defend myself against false allegations and nonsense. I am not afraid of the the many high level authorities that he has threatened me with, as I know the truth, and I am now indifferent to the character assassinations and what others may, or may not think. It is irrelevant in the scheme of things. My primary focus has and always will be, my precious girls, and turning our lives around to embrace the miracles which have already starting to come to us through our healing journey.

    And for that I have you to thank – for leading the way. I will never give up hope that things will complete turn around for the girls and I, when the time is right.

    Thanks Mel xxxxx

    1. My N also uses the children against me, also inventing stories about their welfare, keeping them out of school, and leaving them home alone (9 yo) plus encouraging the 13 yo girl to be aggressive sexually & buying her lace thongs at 11! It’s frightening the extent the N will go for attention & drama, all the while psychologically damaging the children. It feels like a hopeless situation to me.

    2. Hi Possum,

      yes it is easier when children not involved – however regardless of ties and what is involved … truly if we target exactly what is being triggered and up level that within us then Quantum Law states “the outer cannot continue delivering that” (so within / so without) … and we can forget that Absolute Law (of course) when BIG things (such as our children) are involved in our triggers.

      And you are SO on your way. Possum you should be so proud of how far you have come, just keep going – keep releasing all triggers regarding your children.

      Also please see the shifts happen with Devon regarding the healing work we did with her and her son (if you haven’t already).

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/shifts-happen-healing-the-traumas-closest-to-our-hearts-our-children/

      As a NARP Member you do have the ability to create miracles for you and your girls – regardless of the N.

      Big blessings Possum – you have GOT This!

      Mel xo

      1. I needed to hear this and God brought you to me just at the right time. I suffered years of abuse from my NARCISSISTIC ex husband . Our two daughters live near him and at a distance from me. Our youngest is 26 years old and after drawing a boundary for her disrespectful behavior towards me, I’ve not seen or spoken to her for 22 months and learned from our older daughter that she’s pregnant with her first child and due in a few short weeks from now. I have twin grandchildren age 5 from our oldest daughter and see little of them. It’s heartbreaking to see how he’s using all of those precious and innocent lives to display his anger towards me! I’m committed since January 1st. 2018 to ignoring his behavior and beginning to live MY life. I struggle with letting go of my girls and grandchildren because I don’t want them to feel like I’ve given up on them. Countless times I’ve told B. that I’d never give up on her and I’d fight for her forever. I begin counseling for abusive relationships next week. If you have any words of encouragement for me I’d sure appreciate it. God bless you

        1. Hi Peggy,

          I am just recently healing and learning about the dynamics in my family with my sister and my father. I have an incredible therapist and my healing journey is at its core issues. This is it. My father was the Narc Parent, my sister the golden child (Bully) and I the scapegoat. I didn’t realize until after the death of our father that I had hoped my sister had really changed. Not! I have learned she is still the Bully and now a Narcissist (and a spiritual one at that). Her two sons were ripped from my life due to her narcissism and I do not have a relationship with them whatsoever. I have witnessed God giving me other “children” in my life through my family of choice and my friendships. I am not saying I do not miss them and their growing up (I only had 2 short years with them in my life) but they are grown men now and they have had a narcissist mother that they are going to have to come to terms with. When you get to the place of healing, your pain will not be as raw and you will know that you are doing what is best for you. Your daughter cannot use them as weapons to hurt you (my sister and father did). When you take care of you and trust in God you will go on with your life and be happy with your chosen family that He has put in place of your blood family. I pray for love and healing for you in your life.

  7. Thank you, Tonia. What a brilliant article. Very straight forward. Very Simple. Very clear. A very clear ABC of handing power over to the narcissist.

  8. This is probably the most best thing I’ve read of yours. N thats saying alot! 🙂
    Very informative, needed and succinct. Bravo
    Would that the whole world could read this article.

  9. Melanie – I’ve been seeing a therapist for 4 out of the 5 years I’ve been with my narcissist. She’s never used this term. His sister told me he was about a year after we started dating and not until I felt exhausted last month did I remember it. I have found you, books and other leaders of this personality disorder and am shocked at who I was involved with. It’s him. He checks off 95% of the boxes. I love this man so much and the pain is so deep right now. To know this has all been a mentally exhausting, torturess game, breaks my soul. I now see why he could be so cold and cruel, which I never understood. “Saying” he loved me, love of his life, and then treating me so horribly and detached. I get it. I walked away June 1st. We were in contact for the first time yesterday to exchange belongings. It set me back. Not because of any kindness, just the opposite. His coldness and emptiness strikes me still as a blow. I’m in the early stages of surviving a narcissist. I will though.

    I look forward to all your emails daily. I can do this, step by step. Thank you for your guidance through what I know now is a journey to a stronger self.

    1. Hi Sandy,

      my heart goes out to you. It is so painful when we feel deeply in love with someone like this.

      Please dear lady check out NARP https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – it’s the beginning of deep cellular fast-track healing – which makes the journey so much easier.

      And if you want to sample Quanta Freedom Healing (which is the healing Modules in NARP) please come into my free webinar https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to feel the relief of releasing trauma directly out of your cells.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  10. Guys, THIS WORKS!! I joined the Narp program in Jan 2016. I was breaking free from 7 years of narcissistic personality disorder abuse. I repeatedly done module 1 for weeks… then module 2. I cut all contact. I mean in every sense.. even stopped contact with mutual friends. My journey began and boy can i say that today… june 2017… i am a completely changed woman. My life is beautiful. I am free.. i smell the roses. I walk , talk with confidence. I am LIFE in every beautiful sense. ITS POSSIBLE.. YOU CAN DO IT!! 🙂

    1. Congratulations Lorraine. It is so uplifting and inspiring to hear that you are free. I will read this every day until I reach freedom too. Thank you so much.

  11. After recently leaving the narc he tried to threaten me with calling the police over a bogus claim of theft. I responded by calling them myself! I gave them the information and they agreed I was innocent of any wrongdoing. Then I gave him the number of the police dept. I told him never to dare try to threaten me ever again. Thank god he has stayed away since…I also said I never ever want to see him again. After his past hoovering I am happy to say that this time he isn’t hoovering. He got the message and I finally got closure!

  12. Dear Melanie,

    I,ve been reading /following your advice for 3 years. I had my last encounter with my ex-boyfriend. He would show up where i walk my dog every 6 months and literally ambush me..where i had no where to turn..pretty sick hoovering but after 3 yrs it was so predictable i marked my calendar a year ago on the days he did it..and a year later on the same day he showed up again! But i have been preparing for this moment and this time I just walked right by him like he was a tree…a dead lifeless tree at that. I wasn’t shaking afterward and my heart wasn’t beating fast which is what happened before.
    I was in COMPLETE CONTROL. Relaxed and it felt so right. I KNOW in my deepest self he will never return bc as you have stated, he no longer has any power over me and will not get any reaction from me. Done. Now, at 53 yrs old I have reclaimed my life and am hopeful and happy.

    Thank you for this article and I am actually happy it was not in video format today. Reading really makes you think more deeply about it.

    hugs to you and all you to to help ALL who have been damaged and hurt by a narcissist.

    ad

    1. Hi Ann,

      that is so awesome.

      And it’s true when we are in our power we do realise how powerless N’s are to affect us anymore.

      How beautiful you anchored into self and he became irrelevant.

      That is when they truly are!

      Mel xo

  13. Mel,

    Thank you for posting this article today. I needed to read it, I want to tell you that it is so spot on, everything you say makes so much sense. I want so bad for people to see just what he’s really like and what he’s been doing and getting away with. I want the manipulative puppet master to be caught red handed, and I even want him to see ‘sense’ and change, but I know without a doubt that none of that is going to happen. He has brainwashed my children (we have 50-50) and he uses them to get his way. They will tell me they’ve discussed something they want with their dad, and if I don’t agree they tell me I’m obviously not looking out for what’s best for them but he is. Everything they say they want is really something he has decided is best for them, such as choosing a post secondary school and program. I know my daughter is choosing it because it’s close to his house, and she’s settling for this, academically she is capable of so much more. She’s loyal to him and because I try to speak up he tells them I just don’t have their best interests at heart, and of course they believe him. They are teens, and they just don’t see the manipulation, they also don’t see that deep down they are scared of him. I can only hope in years to come they will.

    I have never once bad mouthed him to them, as I am not interested in trying to ruin the father/daughter relationship. The problems lie between him and I, they deserve a father, having said that, I see the poison he is feeding them and I cannot do anything to help them, they are loyal, they believe he is the victim and if I were to say anything bad about him they wouldn’t believe me anyway. i cannot believe someone is capable of being so horrible, so evil yet he can live with himself and be okay with his behaviour. I know somewhere inside he is hurting, and this is how he deals with it rather than heal himself.

    I want to be able to take your information and use it to change my life, I want to ignore him totally. Can someone to tell me exactly how I’m supposed to do that when I share custody? When my kids come and tell me they’ve made big decisions with their dad I know he purposely chooses things for them that he knows I’ll have an issue with so that it can look like I’m being difficult, further reinforcing the ‘your mother doesn’t want the best for you’ crap that he feeds them. My back is against a wall, I am so tired of his behaviour and I want more than anything to have nothing to do with him. I just don’t know how to do that with the custody situation. I feel like this is never going to change.

    I’m so sorry to ramble on, I would really appreciate it if I could find some advice on how to keep my distance from him yet still share the children with him without allowing the children to bully me into doing what ‘he’ wants!
    Thanks so much, please keep up the good work you do. It is amazing, YOU are amazing!!

    1. You & I are in similar boats. With joint 50/50 custody we can not ignore and detach completely. And our children are being manipulated & damaged & poisoned by their own parent, an N. It is truly heartbreaking and will never end because of the kids. I do my best to not react, stick to the facts, and to be un-emotional & flat (grey rock) in my communication with N. But I can do nothing about the pollution being fed the children. It’s heartbreaking & I feel hopeless. I have been following this blog for years & have been doing my own inner healing work, seeing a therapist for almost a year, doing yoga, meditation, but, I am sorry, no one has any truly constructive advice for those of us sharing custody with an N. Making the N accountable or decent is like trying to hold a slippery eel… Impossible. So we do our best to be shining examples of positive people with good character in hopes that the children will see the truth as they mature. It’s an arduous road ahead. I wish us both the best of luck.

      1. Well said ML. I think all we can do is focus on healing ourselves, exactly like you said, following the blog, meditation etc. These tools definitely help us to cope, but they don’t give us that sure thing, that way to make the necessary changes. I too wish both of us the best of luck, and I hope we find some concrete help that we can use and change our lives with. In the meantime, we have to be the best we can be for our children, loving them unconditionally and we must continue to hope that as they mature, they come to understand the truths being kept from them by their N.
        Be strong! All the best.

        1. Hello Marie and ML, I have been in the same boat too. I strongly urge you to use the NARP program to heal. I am now on the other side. I made a commitment to address my inner wounding and it has changed my life. The ex-narc has no power over me and that despite my 16 year-old daughter living with him in another country. My 17 year-old son lives with me and is thriving beyond measure. My daughter is on her own path and I’ve come to terms with that. She is fine, excelling academically and is making her choices. BUT what is extraordinary is how well I am doing. I trust life and feel my world is in constant expansion at 51. I am surrounded by supportive, creative and healthy people. I have stepped into my own and am developing my dreams.
          Try Mel’s webinar, you won’t regret it. As we heal, our children heal no matter how exposed they are to the narc parent. That is my experience.
          Lots of love.

          1. Hi Lolo,

            Thank you for reaching out. I am so happy you are now on the other side. I really want to do the work to get me there, deep down I know I deserve it. I need to make that commitment to myself just like you did. I am so scared that if I gain any strength for myself it may seem to my kids that I’m all about me and i fear I may just send them running to him and that will totally change my relationship with them. I know I cannot change whatever he has up his sleeve to try and win them away from me, I just don’t want to lose my relationship with them, but unless and until I do the work, I won’t see any real change. I know I need to let go of trying to keep a relationship with them, instead I need to work on changing and strengthening me, and then my relationship with them will change for the better I’m sure of it. Then we will all heal. I will try Mel’s webinar and I will join the NARP program.
            Thanks so much. All the best.
            xo

          2. Hi Marie,

            I just wanted to pop in quickly and urge you to know this.

            When you become whole and empowered it is the BEST thing you could ever do for your kids.

            Where your energy goes, theirs follows. And if we don’t heal – our kids are up for adult battles too.

            Trauma continues … until someone heals it. Then it stops.

            Please do what is going to help You and Them!

            Mel xo

    2. Hi Marie,

      It’s my pleasure 🙂

      How brave it is of you to self-reflect and be so honest!

      Marie, the biggest and most powerful steps we can make is the deep releasing of our trauma that is being triggered and the re-programming of our subconscious painful programs which are handing power away and struggling to generate power in situations. .

      Then we just ARE different in it all – and we start generating the results that do serve us.

      Have you come into one of my free webinars to learn how to do that deep inner work? That is what changes everything – then the rest starts unfolding and falling into place. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps, and please know you won’t understand WHY, in regard to what I have said above, until you experience it first-hand.

      Then after you have had the “shift” in the webinar – it will make perfect sense, and you will see the way through.

      Mel xo

      1. Melanie,
        I am religiously following your wisdom.
        As difficult as it has been, it is backfiring, he is now tainting and using my teenage children. I am deathly afraid of this man who i have been with for 30 years. On top of it all, he is a police officer. Above the law. He has smeared my reputation in our small community as a cheat, drug abuser, and thief. He has taken anything and everything of value from me, and it was alot.i have no money to fight him legally and am drained emotionally. Now my poor children are being used as pawns causing such havoc. My eldest lies in bed all day , depressed. My other are exibiting rebellious behavioural and physical symptoms, ibs, etc… he has alienated all friends and family and can turn this around in his head that it is all my fault and they are just casualties. I need this to end. Please tell me how?

        1. Hi Kay,

          my heart goes out to you – and Kay the only thing I know that works, that ever works, is to release the trauma in our body about this at the deep cellular level – then outside of us … it must cease.

          Truly and that is the inner work that the NARP Program is all about.

          That is how myself and others broke free from the most horrendous of circumstances.

          Are you working with NARP – that is the key.

          Mel xo

    3. You are not rambling. Anyone who has had a relationship with a narcissist talks like that. There’s too much pain, fear and stress to be understood. To people it doesn’t make sense as they see this extremely calm, sorted, polished, soft spoken, logical talking gentlemen – a skill a narcissist has acquired over many many years maybe since childhood. Common people, even authorities, attorneys, judges are not able to see that. Nasrcisist a mask in public and they are skilled in pulling it with perfection. I have a narcissist husband for 7 years. The initial few months after marriage I was in total confusion of his erratic. Irrational drama created out of nothing. As Melanie Tonia Evans so correctly says that conflict, high drama energieses a narcissist. The more I was trying to reason or question his lies the more I was getting spiraled into confusion. He then went on to verbally abuse and then physically abuse me regularly. When I reacted he taped me and carried a huge smear campaign against me (obviously not citing what led to my reactions). I didn’t know about narcissism until I married this evil and then bit by bit it all came together when I started typing on google ‘Husband created high conflict out of nothing’ ‘Husband abuses and beats and next day when asked says he never did it and I am a phycho who is imagining things’ ‘Husband totally turns volte face to his wrongdoing’ for every above trait of his ‘narcissism’ came up when I read about narcissists it was a clear match of his personality. Each and every word was a match. That’s when I felt little calm within and understood his patterns, smear campaigns and vicious spiraling. Just so that you know narcissist are devoid of feelings for their own children. They are ‘needy, insecure parasites’ who cannot see anything beyond themselves. If there will be any situation where they have to chose between them and their kids they will chose their comfort, safety, health first. They are incapable of loving another except themselves. Your thoughts are of a good parent exactly how I feel that I will not want to interfere in my kids and dads relationship but there is NO relationship. They are good to their kids on the face because they want admiration and narcissistic supply out of it. They with their skill ridicule and keep their kids fearful even without the kids realizing. You being the normal parent have to work double hard to keep their sanity on. Your kids are teenagers and I feel you should coach them a bit about narcissism. The problem is not your relationship with him the problem is his relationship with everyone. You need to step in a very smart and careful manner in coching your kids about narcissism. I have a toddler and obvious I do exactly like you encouraging her relationship with her dad. But no matter what he lacks bonding or affection toward her (only in public & pictures) he is that adorable dad. You know why right because he is a narcissist. I cannot leave him becaus the smear campaigns are too believable, that’s the way he has trapped me. Also he will backwards to every extent to get child custody not because he loves his kid one but because he knows that will end my life. The best method if you aren’t able to leave a narcissist for whatever reasons is to follow survival tips. I loved this article by Melanie she explained whatever I am going through and maybe be 100’s out there in true words. It’s comforting to know people out there know what narcissist are and what narcissistic abuse is and why it so vicious to escape from it. But I hope I am able to heal myself as Melanie suggests so that one day I can conquer my inner pieces, fear and run away from this narcissist and be SAFE and in peace!! No one deserves a narcissist noone and I pray I and all others like me who have narcissist spuses or otherwise get their healing and way out safe soon!

  14. Brilliant article Melanie. I have huge problems with a narcissist deliberately trying to bait me into reacting and punishing me by exclusion from his family every single time I appear to threaten his Ego self. Boy, have I struggled with this as my childhood trauma was complete exclusion from my own family by a narcissistic father and weak mother who just went along with the punishment he gave me to ‘keep the peace’. Your programme of recovery and reading your articles is really helping me to work hard at healing my own childhood wounds instead of wasting energy trying to get back at the narcissist and ‘make him see’ that I don’t deserve his punishment. I realise now this is a completely pointless exercise and I must focus on myself. Thank you for your brilliant articles, they really help!

    1. Hi Sonia,

      thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed it 🙂

      How wonderful that you have turned inwards to love and heal this original wound back to wholeness.

      Keep going – you are doing SO well.

      So true … make it all about you … That’s where the freedom is.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  15. My ex narcissist is currently trying to punish me by discarding, and replacing me quickly and easily. I had finally gotten strong and broke contact. When he hoovered his way back in by claiming a professional excuse, he insisted it was him who broke it off. I realized that it doesn’t matter. As long as there IS no contact, I don’t care. The trauma triggered by him runs so deep in my DNA that this healing process feels as though I am digging my way out of hell. I know that this experience is a blessing, although extremely painful, because it has caused me to face the unhealed parts of me. He still tries to punish me. I have no contact with him anymore, but energetically I have a lot of work to do. I am only four months into this process, and I have faith that this will work.

    Melanie, your program is the only thing that really caused quick shifts within me. Although talk therapy is very helpful during the healing process, the emotional and energetic healing that needs to happen requires digging deeper. I thank you for the blessing of your program, and I appreciate the struggle that led you to discover it. I believe all of us here are discovering our souls’ purpose through this painful process. But if we have to tunnel our way out of hell, I thank God that we are not alone, and that we all have some help.

    1. Hi L,

      how wonderful you are self-partnering and meeting and healing you.

      I totally agree, when we have MASSIVE DNA traumas this seems like the hardest thing we will ever do …
      Yet, it was the ONLY way we were ever going to be released into our True Life.

      So much love to you for your courage.

      L you’ve got this – and I have no doubt you are a Thriver Story in the making!

      You are not alone L, none of us are … this is collective healing of humanity we are all connected in on. And it’s so special … it’s time 🙂

      Thank you for being a part of it!

      Mel xo

  16. My ex narcissist try to destroy me to death .just come out last month from jail for bridging intervention order and i need to do 130h community work just because we need to share our children and some property my life become a nightmare with this person abusing every single person she know make false statement to the police child protection .i find this blog and change my life just a week ago and change my life .i believe what Melanie do is a bless for people suffering from narcissist abuse .thank you Melanie!

  17. Thanks so much Melanie. Your emails come in always at the right time. I have had a difficult week. Trying to negotiate a divorce but when I speak to him now the punishment, the things he says get worse and worse. He also threatens to put me in prison, says he has documentation. I don’t think there is anything he could put me in prison for but he says it with such conviction and brutality that it triggers me even so. I continue to keep things as normal as possible for our teenage children who spend a lot of time with him and he seems to be perfectly pleasant to them. He tells me he is traveling with his new girlfriend to the places that we planned to go when the kids were older. This triggers me the most and the punishment he inflicts on me gets right in there. I am left feeling broken and powerless and hopeless. I don’t know why still I expect anything different from him. I have been doing NARP for a while but feel like there is something I am missing because I am still so triggered by him. It’s impossible to have no contact because of our 2 children but I have to keep trying because I can feel the damage he is doing to me. Everything you write makes so much sense. I pray for the day that I feel indifferent, neutral towards him and free from the pain. I am not there yet. Sash xx

    1. Hi Sash,

      I am so pleased this was timely for you.

      Sash, it is so about taking ourselves out of the firing line and then working on the wounds. And setting up a way to communicate regarding settlements and even custody that involves third parties.

      He will keep hurting you if you can. If you are working with strict modified contact then he can’t.

      No Contact and Modified Contact for real is when we stop hurting ourselves and when we realise that trying to go back in to get a different results is torturing ourselves.

      The real truth is we need to meet and heal those parts that want the narcissist to provide us with something different.

      Whilst you are still hooked in and on the firing line, it is going to be near impossible to heal what he is triggering. The boundaries need to go up, and the space achieved first.

      We truly can’t have it both ways – indulge our hooked in state and try to heal simultaneously. True healing only happens when we break away and take full responsibility to heal our own wounds.

      Does this make sense and help?

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Sash, I just read your story and gosh… I just want to say I am in the same situation!!
      I will write my own comment later but my ex / his lawyer is trying to say that I am a thief ( because I changed car ownership – after I waited for 5 months for him to reply through the lawyer) , he went to Jerusalem where Jesus was crucified with his mistress and showed his pictures to our friends – just because I am a Christian ( well, he supposed to be too but not the mistress) and we spoke about going there one day. He wants to hurt me for sure. I am doing No contact now and I feel better. I used to get so hurt by his action or hear what he has been doing. But I am now over it. I have not responded to any of his emails. I have 18 years old son and he is completely confused. My ex uses him so bad even he forwards all my lawyer’s emails to my son….!! We are together, Sash. Hanging there!!

  18. Hi all, some advice if possible. Im down the line of recovery and feeling much stronger after 28 years with a narc. Problem is I am wealthy and this nutjob fully believes he is entitled to a large payoff before he leaves my house. It is my house, a valuable one at that which I bought and paid for myself- but because he has lived in it while the kids were raised he feels half of it is his and is furious that I wont send him on his way with a large wad of cash. Our youngest is still of school age yet he has not contributed towards him for weeks now because I wont give him any money. He truely believes it is his right and it is not. He has spent the last 6 years with the most horrendous devalueing tactics to manipulate me into doing this and breaking up our family in the belief that assets would be divided when I finally kicked him out. However we never married and the law is not on his side. His obsession with money and envy over my lovely lifestyle brings narc rage on a daily basis now. If I had no money he would have disappeared years ago but I have a lot of what he loves the most and I dont think I will ever be free of him. He has told me this week that if I dont pay him he will physically smash me up and everyone will understand why and forgive him. He is collapsing and with no money feels he has nothing to lose. Help.
    Thanks Mel for your posts they have helped me so much through this.
    A

    1. Classic! I have had similar experiences with my Narc. When I bought my condo I was single. The lawyer made a point of telling me that it was mine and mine only and when I married unless I put someone else’s name on it – the condo would still be mine. My Narc was unhappy because his name was not on the deed. He refused to pay for anything because the home wasn’t his. I never put his name on it. He went on and married someone else a few years down the road. One day I received a call from the bank. They had a few questions about a $60K loan application I was taking out with “my husband”. I told them I was not taking out a loan. Apparently he (and possibly his new wife) had forged my name on the loan application and was trying to get money out of my house! The loan officer of course tore up the application and apologized for bothering me! I called Mr. Narc and questioned him about it. He just laughed and said if the loan officer was stupid enough to give him the loan then that was the loan officer’s problem!

    2. Hi Afina,

      the breaking free from this – truly is always the inner job.

      This article may help you really resonate and click into the knowing of “what to do”.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-wont-the-narcissist-leave-me-alone/

      Yes you will be rid of him, I promise when all hooks, guilt and every other reason why he can affect your emotionally is released and unlevelled.

      Then there will be no “glue” holding it together and he must go elsewhere.

      Bless and know you can heal this.

      Mel xo

  19. This is such great advice and it works! My narc of 20yrs is a therapist so the mind games have been immense. No contact is such a powerful tool. I am still struggling with figuring ‘me ‘ out, but after such a long time I guess it’s not going to happen over night.

    1. Hi Cath,

      that is so wonderful that you are doing No Contact and working on you.

      Please know that when we have Quantum Tools where we can reach, access and heal at the subconscious level, the “figuring it out” (which is the old paradigm and the long way around) is over – and true healing begins.

      Please come into my free workshop – and you will learn (and experience) exactly what I’m talking about.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  20. Hi Melanie,
    One of the best things I have ever done for myself was to sign up for your blogs. Your words, together with the comments of others, have helped me tremendously in my quest for escaping my narcissist (now) ex-husband. We were together for 20 years and have no children. I have been away for a year and 2 months but have been unable to eliminate him from my life mainly because he lives in my house (which I stupidly signed 1/2 of it over to him years ago) across the street from my 99 year old dad. I visit my dad regularly and my ex makes sure that he is outside and clearly visible when I am there. I am currently living about a mile away. He has become a nuisance by stealing my garbage, throwing tokens in the driveway, and, lately he is bringing directly to me the house bills he expects me to pay. No, I am not paying his bills. I am in counseling with a therapist now but was wondering if you know of or could recommend someone (or group counselling) who specializes in narcissism in the New Orleans area. Thank you for all you have done for me.

    1. Hi Diane,

      I am so please this material and Community are helping to grant you strength, and it is wonderful that you are signed up to the New Life newsletter series.

      Diane have you come into the free workshop experience? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      The reason I ask is because I thoroughly believe real healing can only take place at a deep subconscious level, when we have healing tools that address our trauma at that level. Many of us, myself included, spent years trying to heal through therapy and groups etc. but discovered it did not get us up and out of the trauma or the connection to and abuse from the narcissist.

      I actually don’t recommend any cognitive based groups or therapist for that reason – even though of course I encourage anyone who believes they wish to access those resources to follow their own truth.

      The NARP Program https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and NARP Community https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member is a platform and healing system that myself and thousands of people (global) have worked with to experience unprecedented healing results for narcissistic abuse.

      The NARP Community (which is only NARP Members) is a specialised profound healing group for N-abuse, that is unlike any resource in the world. The members, Thrivers and Moderators are loving, supportive and proactive in releasing and up levelling trauma and claiming free and great lives.

      There is no other N-abuse recovery system in the world (humbly) that we have ever heard of that works as effectively. If there was I would be recommending it!

      There are members in NARP from all over the world including Boston. The “meeting place” and coaching and healing is on-line, and there are absolutely local members who have got together in person – but in no way is that necessary to profoundly heal.

      What is necessary is the use and training of the right tools to release our Inner Being from trauma and powerless programs so that we CAN heal.

      Please know the NARP Community is an incredible “family” of like-minded, amazing souls.

      I hope this information helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi thanks for being there for us all that had to deal with a narrasite in our lives.i followed your comments and totally ignore her.its been almost 2yrs now .love you lots keep up the good work Alfred

  21. Thank you for this information. It makes sense to me and I can understand the expectations of the healing process.
    In reference to these words near the end of the article… “People who want to join the narcissist can, but we have ourselves and other people in our life who know who we are.”…
    What if my circle of family and friends is small to begin with, and none are supportive or safe now that I’m settting boundaries?
    I have been learning how to work with NARP on my inner wounds for a while now. It seems I am able to uncover more and more traumas BUT am not able to uplevel and replace them with good.
    Combine this with watching people who were my support system pull away, and I feel extremely alone, discouraged and hopeless.

    1. Hi Judifer,

      for anyone, who like you, is not quite turning the key with NARP yet to breakthrough and heal – I recommend (more than anything) that you come into the NARP Forum to get coaching assistance with Thrivers and Moderators who have worked through what you are presently struggling with.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Because that level of connection, conversation and replies will be necessary to “nail” and remedy what is going on for you.

      In regard to the topic that is hurting for you at present, this information may help shine a light for you.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-to-do-when-your-friends-and-family-dont-support-you/

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  22. This was great! Instead of resasoning, arguing, rationalizing with the idiot… ingoring! So much less effort!. Live in N always picks of a fight during holidays, and here it is the Fourth of July. Every weekend we have a “to do” list (we’re reahabbing a house), and he pulls a silent treatment and lets me hang- doing the work myself. So, yesterday when he left for over 12 hours- I had no idea when he was coming back or where he went…. I did the work myself. 14 hours of painting a detached garage and digging up an overgrown garden. But I got out of my anger and thought- “but isn’t this so much better? No arguiing with every breath/ decision?” I decided to enjoy the solitude. When he got back I talked to the dog, but not him. Today= 6 am- he’s gone. Usually if it is to get coffee, he’s gone only 15 minutes. I expected to be working on the house by myself again… and I will enjoy it. And he’ll eventually be “oh so nice’ in a day or two… Not falling for it.IGNORING HIM! Thanks for the best advice ever!

    1. WOAH! This is not that easy! “IGNORING”! He came “home” and my trigger has him up his butt with sarcasm. Not that he let me hang on the work yesterday (which would’ve been normal for me). Then he’s happy, whistling, and I’m more furious. This time its for coming back home… and another day of hell. This is not easy AT ALL! I went out to cool off. And it the tie is back in place… the energy string was reconnected.

      1. Hi Trish,

        that energy string does stay connected until we heal that part of ourselves that is trying to make them responsible for our life.

        Then we cut loose and go onto expereince REAL components of life and people who are genuine.

        Have you signed up to my free resources https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage to learn how to do this?

        It changes everything when we do – we get off the “groundhog” day of getting hooked in and being back at square one.

        Narcissistic abuse doesn’t change.

        Mel xo

    2. This is so typical! Ours always pulls a lot of drama when there is work to be done around the house like painting etc. Two years ago he had a very bad accident and was in the hospital for three weeks and incapacitated for quite a while. Our son looked at me and said “Let’s clean house!”. This is something we cannot possibly do when he is well. We took loads and loads of hoarder stuff to the dump. He has a habit of going through my personal stuff so I took the opportunity to take a lot of my stuff to a storage facility. It is so nice to paint and clean house when they are not around.

    3. Hi Trish,

      that is wonderful that you are detaching and honouring you.

      Please be aware that he will probably change tactic, or even discard now that you are not supplying him attention.

      And if so, accept that … cut your losses if you need to, heal and move on into your True Life.

      That’s what this period of your life is all about.

      Wishing you strength and courage.

      Mel xo

  23. I’ve thought quite a bit about the healing aspect of basically re-enacting the original trauma with the narcissist for healing but I just can’t get it. It feels much more likely creating another very thick scar to grow a new shoot from perhaps.

    Could someone explain to me the healing process of recreating trauma?

    1. Hi Jan,

      that is true reenacting it without shifting the trauma up and out of our Inner Being is simply regurgitation.

      Please read what QFH achieves here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing-explained.htm

      And also if you come into my free webinar experience you will experience directly HOW to meet, self-partner with and release trauma out of your cells https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      To experience this is the best way to understand it.

      Mel xo

  24. Dearest Melanie,

    You’re my nurturing support haven, specially when I get stuck or feel that I’m falling back and for that I’m So Very Grateful to You, Thank You So Very Much, for all the help you’ve been giving to me for more than a year now!

    In 2013 I feel for someone whom I later came to realize not being the love of my life, at all!
    He destroyed and hurt me in ways unimaginable. I got so thin, weak, lost all my hair, had fainting spells, ansiety attacks, no energy, felt like doing nothing and just being alone, couldn’t concentrate much less work and was prescribed anti-depressants, which I took for some months.
    In January 2016 I made this commitment to myself that I couldn’t go on like that, I had to think about my daughter and myself. So, slowly slowly I started doing some courses, practising sports, started cooking and eating healthier and even put on some hair extensions, to look better. Started taking care of myself and really enjoying doing it.
    So I slowly began healing and now feel a lot better.
    But sometimes I receed. You see, I have to work with him… So it’s like this: every once in a while he will simply not talk to me, ignore me, or when he speaks he’ll always have a harsh tone and on top of all I stopped being assigned whatever work, ’cause us breaking up lead him to “loose trust in me” so he says. I use that time to work on my healing; reflecting, reading, listening and writting on my dairy.

    The thing is, sometimes I feel really bad. As if I regret him for treating me that way, like what’s happening today. Maybe it’s my need for external validation? But why would I want validation from a narcissist?? What’s wrong with me???

    Thank you in advance, if you can spare a few minutes dear Melanie <3

    1. Hi Maria,

      what this means is there is still an inner trauma, a young unhealed Program within that is being triggered.

      All this means and requires is the finding of it and releasing it.

      Have you considered doing the NARP Program Maria? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      It shows you how to track triggers back to traumas and faulty belief systems and release and reprogram them – so that they simply don’t exist.

      Even though you have come a long way on your own (and well done for your beautiful self-efforts) maybe it is time to have a Quantum Tool in your kit bag to easily up-level traumas and anything at all that is limiting you and holding you back?

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you so very much for your reply dearest Melanie.

        I will def check about the NARP Program straight away.

        Much love and please do continue inspiring and helping us all out here!

  25. Hello Melanie,
    I have been reading and listening to your Thriver series for over a year now after being in a 15 year relationship I was blindsided, betrayed and discarded in a 2 minute phone call. Although I realize that my insecurities and thoughts of having to provide for others to feel loved led me to this unhealthy relationship I find myself still struggling with beliefs that we were meant to be together, that he was my soulmate – my head and heart are not in the same place. I have had no contact with him since his betrayal and the few times that we have run into each other at local places I have been able to completely ignore him. However, it destroys me for several days and throws me off of my healing process whenever this happens. It makes me angry and I feel pathetic that he can still have such a hold on my heart. I have recently joined a dating site and am getting messages from many men who are showing interest and although I felt like I was ready to move on yesterday I received a group IM message from a friend and somehow even though he is not friends with her he responded on my IM to the post with just his gf’s name. I already have him blocked from from my phone and Facebook and researched how to remove him from this group although I’m not sure if that will keep him off of other posts to me. What bothers me is that this was enough to send me into a tail spin of emotions, grief and anger. He is not good for me, I know I deserve so much better but my heart is hanging on and I can’t figure out why and why I can’t move on to find true happiness. I don’t feel like I have a huge amount of inner baggage to heal I’ve looked inward and realized where the feelings have come from childhood but I’ve released all that and am in a good place in my life with very supportive people who love and care for me, including his daughter who is the one who initially told me to look up NPD and Sociopaths and is NC from his abusive behavior as well as she has decided not to let the manipulation and abusive behavior continue in her life for her sake and the sake of her child. We have been very close this last 16 months and although everyone tells me to cut ties with her, she and I have a bond after going through the same things with the same person and have been able to understand and support one another. She understands me when I text or talk to her about something I’m going through and I’m able to offer that same knowledge and support to her. She recently married and although she did not invite her Father to the wedding she invited me and my granddaughter, who I have adopted and was part of her Father’s life and her child’s life for the last 7 years. I made her wedding cake for her because I love and care so much for her, but I chose not to attend the wedding 1. to spare her the questions from friends and relatives why we were there and her Dad was not and 2. because I did not want to stir up feelings when I feel like I’ve been on such a good path to recovery, and she understood. It makes me angry that every time I feel like I’m moving forward any little thing can set me back a few days in recovery. I don’t want this to continue on for years I want it to end, now. I want to be able to move on to a loving relationship with a healthy man, but where I am now I just can’t take that step.
    I want to be in a place where I can get through a day without him invading my thoughts, after 15 years it seems I can’t go anywhere that a memory or thought isn’t triggered. How can I turn this off, for good? I don’t want to suffer through this for years I’m ready to move on and away from this trauma now.

    1. Hi Deborah,

      I so understand your pain … the terrible analysis paralysis we are in after N-abuse, without relief from the terrible thoughts that go around and around and around without closure.

      This Dear Lady is all a symptom of trapped trauma within.

      The solution for GOOD is to release the trauma – then everything heals.

      Please come into my FREE Workshop, and I’ll hold your hand and help you get a real release. You will feel relief and hope as well as understand this is the way we CAN heal from this.

      It’ the way forward and up and out – and it’s time.

      Enough is enough …

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  26. I found my way here through a self help group. I sit here and read and had to keep stopping. I started feeling nauseated and my head hurt so bad. I got out my journal and wrote….I didn’t even know what I was writing…I memory as a child a trauma was coming to the surface. I wrote and didn’t stop. I felt a drip and my nose was bleeding. My whole body felt traumatized. Is this the pain and trauma releasing itself. I am not sure what was happening I allowed myself to feel whatever it was but physically I felt so ill for that moment. Scared and impending doom like feeling my head pounding it is horrible. I don’t want to go into my now story with my husband as I feel drained from this experience. I am just so unsure what happened. I am thinking although it was bad it was also good. I know I am Co dependant and this relationship has brought so much to the surface about who I am I want to take this journey and finally be free although it scares me.

  27. Dear Melanie,
    I have come to the painful realization that I am a Narcissist myself. I feel horrified to realized that I fit the picture perfectly. I have been doing the program and healing lots of inner wounding, very intense work for me.
    Yet, after three months of diligently working on healing myself, I come to the realization that I have not been only co-dependent, yet a narcissist too.
    How do I heal myself from this?

  28. My life has been entirely wasted for decades. I gave up & felt I had no one to turn to. I kept so much to myself & now I’m tired of it. With the help of good people, I recently found & articles like this, I went no contact. although, I still love him, like the fool that I’m, I know it has to be over. PERIOD!! We haven’t talked, for two weeks. I weakened several times, so I read his horrid words & I toughened up & will not bother with him. He thinks, he’s punishing me, because he is also doing no contact. Although it hurts, I’m leaning on divorce, but I am terrified, because I’m afraid of him. He had his hands around my throat twice. Once, in front of our 11 year old daughter. I can’t afford a divorce, so I’m looking into getting help or expanding my work & hopefully, make enough money, to divorce him. I never want to see him again. We are done, but what worries me, what will he do, when he realizes it.

    1. Hi Carol,

      please know dear lady that when we can purge the fear it disarms the narcissist powerfully.

      Please read this article for more on this: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-real-reason-why-the-narcissist-punishes-you/

      Wishing you strength, faith and power in this, and I would love you to come into my free webinar – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar because I know how much learning how to shift the trauma and fear will help you at this time.

      Mel xo

  29. So glad I found you, MTE!!

    Believe it or not, I’m still questioning whether or not my husband is NPD. My gut tells me otherwise, but “can it really be?!”. It was typical – he was NPD, I was co-dependent – a match made in subconscious heaven. Issues started when I was done being co-dependent (i.e. superwoman) and his narcissism was directed at our two boys. Hell hath no fury like a mom who’s children are scorned! He would “go” at them, so I would “go” at him – vicious cycle – he always blames the boys for everything. It’s exhausting. My older son has asked me not to divorce, although he also says “I’m sorry you have to go through this”, but I am about to ask him for separation. I’ve been saying for about 4 years that things need to change and i am NOT facilitating the change for him (i.e. finding a therapist, making the appointments, etc. – which has been done in the past). Nothing has changed, so I believe it is time and I am pretty freaked out about it – mainly for our kids. Heard of your information and it came at a GREAT time. I’m going to dive in and check out everything I can! Thank you!

    1. Hi Lauren,

      I am so glad you did too!

      Please do know at the end of the day “who they are” is not that important.

      What is, is us becoming conscious, knowing our worth and our truth and generating it. And if people can rise up to meet us at a level of healthy – they will – and if not we move on.

      It sounds like you are getting there.

      If you follow all the starter pack information – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage that will unravel and lead you up and out of this!

      Wishing you many blessings and incredible healing.

      Mel xo

  30. Hi, Mel

    I have been reading your blogs everyday and I also put some comments before, too. Thank you so much for helping us. You are doing such an awesome job!
    Now, I just wonder if you can give me some advice on my situation.

    I am processing of separation from my ex and he is in overseas. I have put my separation order on January and I am trying to get out of this mess asap. However, he is making so difficult in everything, but he is not putting any money into our mortgage or credit card, our overdraft account is now over the limit. So banks are calling me and I am the only one can get hold of so they just keep on calling me. I applied the mortgage holiday but he refused to sign but finally signed it. He refused to signed the sales and purchase document to sell our house, finally signed but it is a conditional offer. Now, we got second offer which is unconditional offer but he refused to sign since he wanted to settle ‘ nest year January’!! But I disagree since our mortgage holiday is expiring this month, this house ( which is rented) has not tenanted but they are leaving next week, so we basically can’t afford to keep this house for that long. I am now so upset that if this first offer is not going to be unconditional by next month, we might really have to accept that our house will be mortgagee sale..

    In contrast, he has been emailing me and trying to call me by not only normal phone, but viber, whatsapp, etc. I blocked all of them. I only receives emails but I ask my friend to read it first. So I am doing No contact as much as I can. I am not replying to any of his communication except through the lawyers.

    When I am in this kind of situation, like when Narc is punishing me like this in finance and all aspect of my life, how can I ignore it or how can I keep myself strong and keep going? In the middle of separation, I find it is so difficult to ‘ ignore’ his action or punishment even you are doing ” No contact’.

    Please give us advice on this.. I am sure there are many of us who are in similar situation like me…

    1. Hi NewMeNZ,

      You are very welcome and I am so pleased I can help.

      I’d love to help.

      The truth is Ns will do anything they can to trigger us into fear, pain and powerlessness.

      How we get out of that is to do the inner work on the parts of us that are triggered – then things shift. And its hard to understand until you stop trying to sort it out on an outer level and heal it on an inner level. It really needs to be experienced to be understood and then experience how things change.

      When there is no trauma left inside, trauma stops happening outside. We become the change we wish to see.

      This may help with this NewNwNZ https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-real-reason-why-the-narcissist-punishes-you/

      I so hope this can help – and I’d love you to come into my free workshop to learn how to shift the trauma out so that he simply doesn’t get to you anymore: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

      1.  Thank you so much for your reply!

        I have read the blog that you sent to me. I sort of do understand. I must have some unhealed wound inside me..

        I am interested in webinar but is your schedule time in Melbourne time???

  31. I don’t ever feel we are going to get away from the narc in our lives. The narc in question is the mother of my partner’s children. When I first met him I was concerned that maybe he was the narc due to far-fetched stories of the ‘crazy ex’. As I got to know him more I realised his prickly defensive behaviour was PTSD as I watched his IBS and back problems flare whenever he suffered abuse from her. The woman is a nightmare, she accuses him of domestic abuse including physical, emotional and sexual, and there have been allegations that I have abused her when I smiled at her. That we are both abusing the children. She has turned up on our door and caused trouble, left the children’s belongings on our door step when she knows we are away to cause stress that they will get damaged or stolen. The first time I met her she text him to say I was fat and ugly and then blamed him for causing the upset by showing me what she said? She tells the children and anyone that will listen that my partner tried to kill her, having a then five year old asking why daddy tried to kill mummy is utterly heart breaking. The children are terrified of her as she rules her house like a total dictator. The children are not allowed to talk about either of us in her presence and she constantly tries to alienate and slander the both of us to the children, anyone that will listen, social media and the authorities. All the time claiming she is the victim and she wants no contact. Yet it is always her that contacts my partner. She will scream, swear and shout while on the speakerphone in the car in front of the children and doesn’t care what her behaviour does to them.

    She helps charities to help children in third world countries get an education but doesn’t help her own when they are so behind at school preferring to concentrate on her own education and career above their needs. We took the children to Disney for a holiday and in Alice’s maze the queen of hearts popped up shouting, the youngest, 6 year old started shaking put his hands over his ears and started to cry. I slightly raise my voice at him one day due to his behaviour and he started to cry, I cuddled him and told him it was ok I just needed to address his behaviour. He told me that mummy screams at him if he’s naughty. We have highlighted to social services previously as we are seriously concerned about the emotional affect her behaviour and abuse is having on the children for it to be dismissed as tit for tat.

    This has been going on for so long, she then used me as an argument, that she didn’t know the woman “handling her children” I didn’t want to be used as a reason to argue so I emailed her directly. I had the audacity to defend my actions after she said I traumatised her the day she turned up on our door step. All I did was close down inappropriate conversations in front of the children, such as her accusations about their father and how her debt and job meant they may have to come and live with us. My email only highlighted concerns for the children like when they get in trouble with us for following her instructions of being mean and horrible and how unfair this was on them and how I just wanted all the drama to stop because of the affect it is having on the children. I was then told I had the same psychosis as the children’s father and the conversation was making her tired.
    He new thing now is that she has deleted her email, wants no contact, we must go through the childminder to communicate yet she is now phoning and texting my partner about things but if he wants to communicate he has to go through the childminder?? Will we ever be free of the slander, lies and abuse? He split up with her 5 years ago and she is still on the attack, I have spoken to a friend and collegue about the whole situation who is a psychiatric Doctor and he is very concerned with her behaviour especially how it is affecting the children. I have even questioned if she is right and if we are narcs. This is just awful but especially for the children. What can we do as we have to have contact due to the children.

  32. Dear Melanie,
    It has been incredible expirience researching your Blog and it is trully resonating with me (yes, almost every single article i read). I want to thank You for clearifying alot of issues regarding N abuse and futrhermore healing of us that remained holding that small grip to our sanity that eventually brought us on the internet (yes AND the “innernet”) in search for the answers. I have a question: if you admit your NPD partner that your greatest fear is them abandoning you out of the blue ( i did this in our honeymoon phase) and they actually do just that in the end, do they feed themselves from this pain they inflicted on us in a way they really never ever going to break NC and silent treatment? Thats what is happening to me now. I also send her a heroic warrior letter from my heart after the breakup and she just cruelly answered that i shouldnt be doing this to myself. She also showed the letter to all her friends like some trophy and this further destroyed me emotionally. Meantime im working on healing my abandonment fears but i feel like she is still in control with this NC and silent treatment. Do you think NPDs can feed from this for ever or they will eventually try hoover again afer some time? I know i must ignore if this happens, i just want to be ready…

    1. Hi Empath G,

      I am so pleased that my information resonates with you and has helped.

      In answer to your question, please know they do whatever a) hurts you the most and b) what it is that triggers within us that we need to heal.

      Trying to work out what they may do next equals handing our power away. There is only one true solution to this, pull away and heal self.

      Mel xo

  33. Melanie thank you so much .This is the first time I have commented . It is 8 months that I have gone no contact with my adult daughter . At first I felt that I had lost the feeling of love and would never feel it again . I understand now that I do love her but it is my love to give , she does not have to be in my every day life for me to give that love. She is still using other people to get at me ,but because of following the steps and information that you have given me it is not bringing me to my knees any more. I have had to go no contact at this time with all my grandchildren ( my sons adult children from Australia ) as well, because she started to use them . I know they are going to suffer, and she will do the same to them. but know now I can not protect them , or any one else . I am in my 70,s and would love to have my family around me , they are all adults now and only came back to New Zealand a few months ago , It did not take her long to control and upset the family. To be in contact with them, brings her back, This is the most peace I have felt for year,s ,strange as that may seem with out my children and grandchildren. I know I have a wee way to go yet on my healing journey , it is getting better each day thanks to you, Bless you for what you do . Jan ( an old lady getting younger ).

    1. Hi Jan,

      it is my pleasure 🙂

      I am so pleased you are healing and doing so well now. Everything you wrote is the truth.

      Bless you and your shift Jan – and I know you will be getting younger. That is what happens when we release our trauma!

      Mel xo

  34. Hi. I’m 50+ yrs. old and been involved with a narcissist around my age for almost 3 years (tomorrow). I met him at a bar less than two years after my husband died. He was very forward and charming.

    Bio: He’s a very short, handsome, charismatic man who was physically abused as a child by his father and describes his late mother as cold, reserved and non-affectionate. He sometimes says I’m not affectionate and that I remind him of his mother. He is a “man’s man” with motorcycles, etc. and a black belt in Martial arts.

    He has one adult child with a drug problem and another one who hasn’t talked to him in several years. He’s been married twice; his first wife divorced him. His second wife left him, but they are not divorced. They’ve been separated for 6 years and live about an hour apart and are in touch often by phone and texts. I am convinced that they are still in love with each other. Even if they weren’t though, I recognize that he is very emotionally disturbed.

    He can be extremely complimentary, charming and romantic – and on the other side, EXTREMELY caustic, callous and downright cruel. He can be very flirtatious, and several men and women in our social circle have told me to stop seeing him. He smokes cigarettes and drinks a lot of hard liquor; in my estimation, he’s an alcoholic – and when he drinks, he can become even more caustic, aggressive and flirtatious. He has never been physically abusive, but his emotional cruelty is over the top.

    He loves to cook, garden, dance, drink, eat fine food – and have sex. He is cheap with me and conveniently has money for everything and everyone except me and seems to use me as his whipping post for all his troubles. He has no shame and will come right out and tell me that I should buy him this, that or the other. He wants me to wear sexy outfits, but rarely offers to pay for them.

    He has a close woman friend (whom I know) who’s just a friend whom he spends a lot of time with and whom he says he can confide in like a sister. I am not concerned that there’s any physical relationship, but when he brought her into his life – and our life – I felt demoted and sent to the back of the bus. I was his nighttime play toy and his confidante until she came along. Now I’m only his nighttime play toy. At first, I was very angry with her, but I realized that I should be thanking her because her entry was the tipping point for me.

    I know I need to get out of this relationship and am desperate to do so. It’s literally making me ill with ongoing gastrointestinal problems. My body is screaming out for help, but even though I know it’s in my best interest to get out, I’m dreading it and having an excruciatingly difficult time doing it. I’ve been in therapy for about 2 months which is helping. I really can’t afford to allow this to go into 4 yrs… HELP…..

  35. I was with my bipolar husband who also has narcissistic personality disorder for 12 yrs on and off. We were hs sweethearts. The beginning was great we got our own house, started a family, then slowly things went down hill. At the time I blamed it on our age. Straight out of hs we we were already living together and had a family. I placed the blame on him having to grow up too fast at such an age and not being able to get his party years out of the way. He cheated on me numerous times, this is why I say we were on and off for 12yrs. He physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me, degraded me. The first and only time I left him was 10yrs into our marriage. He had started using meth and was threatening my life. I thought if he could threaten me he could our son also. So I went and got a protective order on him. Led the police to the house and let them in. My husband had just got done smoking a bowl of meth because the pipe and drug was on the bed when the police walked in on him. I cried the whole time and kept telling him I love you I’m so sorry as the police arrested him and walked him out to the police car. During the time he was in jail he wrote our son everyday, and during the time he was in jail I had met someone else. Moved him in with me, and found out I was pregnant 6mo into the relationship. When I told my then boyfriend that I was pregnant he left me. When my ex husband got out of jail he stayed clean and stepped up to the plate to be a stepdad. Things were going great he was clean, going through probation, and I helped him and encouraged him every step of the way. He was a great stepdad played the part real well. We were a family again and I couldn’t have been happier. That lasted 2yrs. The beginning of this yr when his probation was over he fell back into his bad habits and started using meth again. He left me and the kids and moved in with his best friend ( my cousin) and started seeing this girl we had went to hs with. He moved out in April and in June him and his gf had a car accident and he had a warrant for ftp and he called me for help. Said he wanted nothing to do with her anymore that it was over he just wants his family back. I did not get him out of jail. He was in jail for a month and a half. During that time I found out that the girl he was with was now pregnant. When he got out of jail I told him the news and he said that he didn’t want anything to do with her anymore that he will pay the child support to her and be financially there for his new baby but that he wanted things to go back to the way they were before when we were a family. I agreed because it’s all I wanted too. She had called his work looking for him and asked him how come he hasn’t got ahold of her since he was out of jail and that she was pregnant. He told me that his reply was he already new and that he would go by her house to talk when he got off work. He never made it because he was with me and our kids. She then texted me later that night and asked if he was still going to go talk to her and I told her no that he was staying the night with is But would call her the next morning. To which she replied tell that punk not to worry about it I highly suggest you stay together because you guys have something coming your way. Then the next morning she texted me and told me to tell him that she had an abortion (which is a lie btw) so I responded that I no she didn’t because I saw the ultra sound pics on her Facebook acct and she replied why would inhale his baby when he isn’t going to help me But helping you when in my one of those kids is biologically his
    I left the conversation at that and let him read everything. He then held my hand and told me he loves me. I said it back and I told him it would take time and that we weren’t going to rush back into living together. So the living situation stayed the same. Me and our two sons still lived at our place and he still stayed at his. He’s been out of jail for a little over a month. So everyday before I went to work I stopped by his place to wake him up stayed And visited for a bit then headed to work. Aftwr work I would pick our kids up and we would go spend the evening with him either at his place, the park, or he would come home with us. And all of a sudden just a couple days ago he told me I couldn’t come over anymore. It wasn’t cool for me to be at his place or do stuff together with the kids anymore. That I could drop the kids off and pick them up later. So after all was said and done I asked him what the deal was and he said he doesn’t love me he loves the other girl. Naturally I asked him if he had been lying to me because he said that since he’s been out of jail he hasn’t seen or heard from her. And he said that no he wasn’t lying he still hasn’t talked to her. I find that strange since ahe is having his baby. He is always on the cell phone talking to someone or texting so of course I thought to myself wow he is leaving me for her again. I felt heartbroken all over again. It was until I confronted him and said if you’re not talking to her then who are you talking to and he told me that he was making a deal. He said that he doesn’t use meth anymore but that he still pushes the product and he can’t be having me around when he does business because I automatically think he’s cheating or talking to another girl. So of course I got upset about the whole thing because he is still involved with the drugs and that he told me he loves the other girl and not me. Why did he say that, is it to get me upset, is it because he’s bipolar and narcissistic or could he be using the drugs again? And why even say he’s in love with the other girl and not me if he hasn’t even heard from her or is he just lying to me about everything. I feel so hopless. I’ve been ignoring his calls and text messages for a day and a half now. He wants to talk to our kids but I won’t let him. Not because I’m hurt but because if he is dealing drugs and using them then I don’t want my kids to go down that road again. I’ve been through hell with that man and our kids don’t need to go through that. What if a deal goes bad and our kids are there spending time with him? I can’t imagine what would happen. But I find mself doubting my decision about the no contact because I feel like a bad mom for not letting them at least talk.

  36. My MIL is a narcissist. My husband is a good man so I am stuck with her for life. She has made it her life’s mission to bring me down. She spreads lies to whoever will listen. I refuse to go out of my way for her and that drives her nuts. Unfortunately I know how to piss her off so I would know how to push her buttons. But after getting counseling I realized that giving a narcissist any engery is gold. They truly thrive off of seeing you squirm. It takes a lot of practice but I try to stay composed in MIL presence and don’t look at her much. She has tried to grab my arm to get me to look at her but I just dash away. When I go to family events at my in laws and people who I hardly speak to are glaring at me like I am criminal is very unnerving. So much hate and bitterness. My husband is afraid of his mother so I am on my own. But honestly, ignoring is the best way to handle it. Don’t take the bait. It is about rising above the all the hate the narcissist is throwing at you. It’s true, loving yourself and being at peace will help build a strong foundation against such nastiness. It can take a lot of time to do it and practice.

  37. Hi Mel,

    Thanks so much for posting this again. I SO needed to read it and realised I need to do another round of all the NARP modules – my aim for November. You are doing amazing work.

  38. Loved this article Mel, as all of yours I read. I am recovering from nine years of narcissistic abuse and through following your program I’ve been able to trace the cause back to my narcissistic father. It’s been painful doing the self work but I’m persevering and finding it easier as time goes on to ignore the narcissist’s triggers and control my reaction when they happen. Thank you for sharing your insight and for your help! x

  39. Ugh! I took my MIL narcissistic bait today. I am mad at myself for being so weak. She really tries to bring me down. The toughest part is I can’t just dump her like I could a bad boyfriend. I am stuck with her. I long for the day she can attack me with her words and they bounce right off me without a care. Right now I want her to pay for her cruelty but a part of me sees how miserable she truly is. Only a very miserable person could actively seek to hurt others, right?? I have a journey ahead to get a place where her attacks can’t hurt me anymore. I appreciate your posts and the help they provide!

  40. My mother is a narc, growing up I was so naive and I used to let her blame me for everything and cry when she yells at me but now I’m older and won’t stand for it so I tried ignoring her the first time she cried and screamed like a crazy person! and it terrified me! she cried so much she started fainting and I felt like I was watching her die .. I couldn’t just let her die so I called my father and he came to calm her down. I felt guilty so guilty I blamed myself for letting her feel this way.. I couldn’t sleep for days because the image wouldn’t leave my mind..I felt like I almost killed her…I hated myself and I hated her for making me feel like this..

    The second time she came to my room and started yelling at me saying how she hates my life style and that I have to change, I ran to the bathroom, I locked myself inside and she wouldn’t stop telling me everything that is wrong with me so I got angry and I said “I know what you’re doing!
    you’re just trying to run away from some pain that has nothing to do with me but you blame it on me!” she just laughs and was like ” oh you’re trying to turn this on me now!” I started to get manipulated by her.. she said “you’re scared hiding behind that door” so I opened the door and I took her hand and I started hitting myself with it and I kept asking her to hit me and get it over with please!! I just wanted her to stop yelling at me because I didn’t know whether to believe myself or her words…eventually she had me believing I deserved punishment.. so I started thinking of suicide I got so depressed I stayed in the dark in my room in my bed didn’t move at all for 12 hours without eating .. I was feeling like I was losing my mind.. but I didn’t give up after 2 days I realized the truth ..that she manipulated me so I promised myself to protect myself next time and ignore her completely even if she dies infront of me.

    so I started locking myself in my room and avoiding her, she knocks and I say I’m busy and I don’t open the door.. after a few days I heard her having an argument with my father and then she came to my door yelling screaming.. of course she wanted to get it out on me like always but this time I didn’t open the door.. I locked myself inside the bathroom again and didn’t respond to her AT ALL.. I heard her trying to break the door! screaming, yelling then crying so loud .. I thought to myself ” what if she faints and dies?? does that mean Im killing her?” I wanted to run to her to save her.. but I told myself to stay strong and not respond no matter what ..and I knew eventually my father will save her.. I was panicking so I tried every way to calm myself down my heart was beating so fast I think I was going to faint too .. I turned on the shower so I can’t hear her crying.. after maybe 30 mins she finally stops ..

    I felt proud that I survived I felt proud that I didn’t weaken .. but … I was traumatized .. because every time I hear footsteps near my door or hear her voice..my heart starts beating fast and I feel like fainting .. and I hate it.. I hate this feeling :'( its a terrible feeling I don’t want to feel it ever again… sometimes I even think I hear her crying and I started to panic then I realize it was some noise from tv or something..

    I can’t leave my room I’m scared of her negative energy .. I told my father I want to leave this house but he is not letting me go.. I think he is a narc too because when I told him she is hurting me he kept saying no she loves you and she won’t ever hurt you.. but she did.. the damage is done but he still denies it..

    the pain I feel is so much Im just trying to stay sane and hope I don’t end up killing myself..

  41. I’m now 9 days no verbal contact with my ex narc, I receive a million text a day but in day 5 stopped responding. It’s like the love bombing stage over text, ugh! can’t stand it or him. For some reason he believes we’re going to remain a couple. My questions is through the no contact stage did you think it’s wise to get a harassment charge on him to stop the threats of coming by my home and the constant text.

  42. Ignoring the narcissists (yes, plural) didn’t help, as they didn’t get it. When it became too much, my mother would ask me’why do you let them get to you?’ made me felt dismissed and my depression worse. Often she would tell tell me not to say this, not to do that, in order for for things to go smoothly & to make the other person (s) happy. When I did become more confident and rise above them by standing up for myself or stopping any emotionally/mentally abusive, I received no support from anyone, and she will tell me to stop. My mother & my sister, and my mother’s siblings are narcissists and abusive. My mother and another relative (whose now dead thankfully) would tell me that when I say ‘no’ it doesn’t mean ‘no’, and now I have people that don’t accept ‘no’ for an answer or act confused as to what I said.
    If ignoring isn’t possible or makes things much worse, what other advice do you have? I have had to disown most relatives and my mother doesn’t understand or believes it’s nothing, so what can you recommend to insure that she gets it and respects it even though she doesn’t agree with it?

  43. I’ve been in a toxic relationship for almost 10 years, kept leaving as my narcissist ex drained all my energy but kept going back because I missed him. I knew I was co-dependent, bought sled-help books but wasn’t ready to heal. He has a string of failed relationships behind him, I’ve seen his cruelty (emotional) to other, ot just myself. I consider myself to be an intelligent woman but wonder about my sanity in trying for so long.
    Then, at the end of last year, he kept asking me to marry him, incessantly. I said we could make another go of things but he’s separated (10 years) and never got divorced. Things were good, we were totally lived up, the. Two days later, he started an affair with a girl half his age who came to rent a room in his house! All the while, he was with me. I only found out because someone told me. He still kept asking me to marry, to go to Egypt with him. I wouldn’t/couldn’t as I was devastated. he took the lodger instead and ‘married’ her (Muslim arrangement, not civil).
    Two weeks later, he told me he’d made a mistake and wanted me back! I’ve gone no contact but he’s stalk8ng me through whatever means and turned up at my workplace today.
    Feeling totally drained. I’ve been seeing a therapist and all the time has been spent talking about my narcissist ex. No chance yet to explore my side in all of this.
    I’ve read so much now about narcissists and your blog is so useful. Thank you. My father is a narcissist but not quite at the level of my ex.
    I feel like I should either warn the new supply – or her mother. She arrived from Brazil, took up with a man old enough to be her father and is now ‘married’ to him. He has told her (he had phoned my work number and she was with him) that he wanted to be with her not me. He values neither of us of course. Any advice on this?
    Sorry for such a long text but I’m still reeling.
    Ps going for advice tomorrow on how to handle him if he keeps stalking me. He has done the pity thing, that he doesn’t know what might happen to him. I feel so sad because he is mentally not well.

    1. Sorry that should have read: She was in the same room as him (I heard her) when he phoned me to say he wanted to be with me, not her. That he was leaving her. Of course, he is still with her because she is his current supply.

  44. Dear Sonia,

    I used to be stuck to a relationship with my narcissistic ocd-inflicted anorexic ex-wife. My life was a living hell as I was unknowingly feeding her what she wanted (i.e. too much attention) throughout my 21-year marriage. Naturally, The result was sporadic silent treatment periods which she subjected me to which I didn’t know how to deal with it. It took me a long time to try to get over this toxic marriage. I’m not claiming that I have gotten over it completely, as some mental scars still remains even after roughly seven years has passed the divorce. During this period I tried to educate myself by reading various psychology books and looking over some informative pages found over the internet. I cut myself completely from her as I haven’t spoken to her ever since the divorce even when she insisted (of course through a go-between, her brother) that we had to discuss some matters regarding to the future of our son.

    I knew very little on narcissism as a whole. Thank you for opening up the mechanism and explaining what makes a narcissist tick. Now I know that I was more or less addicted to my relationship with my ex-wife as I was giving what she wanted and expected of me.

    It’s interesting that I have an identical problem with a narcissist colleague in the office. After a year-long very friendly relation, he is now giving me a the silent treatment. As a response, I have ignored him and refrained from talking to him with the exception of saying mere good morning and good afternoon which of course is expected in a workplace.

    I would welcome any comment you may on this.

    Best wishes

  45. I am 4 months No contact with the schoolmate narc whom I met online. After 2 years of idealization and devalue, I walked away last October when I thought enough is enough. Cannot go complete NC cuz his wife is my friend. And we have lots of mutual friends which makes it even difficult.

    I am trying to stop thinking, but nothing works. I work, do gardening, but am haunted by everything he did and said. The demeaning words, the triangulation.
    I know but I cannot come to terms that it was all a lie. That he is a fake. All those words, those moments..All lies? I cannot forgive myself for not trusting my hubby and walking straight into the trap. I feel bad, guilty, ashamed of myself.

    I never had low self esteem, I was always high on life and love. I love helping people and was so full of life. I wasn’t searching for love or anything. I have everything. My hubby is a wonderful guy.Then why did this happen?

    Some days am ok and some days like today I am falling apart.
    How do I stop thinking? How do I forgive myself? How do I heal?
    What kind of work do I have to do on myself? How do I find myself? I want myself back.

    Please help! Please please please help…

  46. I finally once and for all reached the point where I can walk away from my narcissistic ex. Just this week. Everything I’ve ever read on narcissism is exactly how he is- every last trait. It’s very scary, to think when we first got together, I thought I had found my soul mate. He definitely ‘love bombed’ me. He was SO good to me. SO caring, affectionate, understanding, patient. He even inspired me to become a better human being! So compassionate. Over time, the real person showed himself. Like night and day. It was so shocking. It started when I became pregnant with his child. My entire pregnancy was just horrible. I loved this child SO much, of course, but regarding him.. My life became a living hell. Everything became about him. He went to jail, lost his job, tried to kill himself and spent time in psychiatric facilities. Of course these things were my fault, ultimately. I was always responsible for anything having gone wrong in his life, as he reminded me at times. I was so emotionally traumatized that I almost didn’t have a baby shower. My family and friends gave me some much needed perspective- thank god for them- and convinced me that I needed to have my shower. This poor child experienced every moment of pain and suffering along with me. She is now 1 month old and is just the best little baby. She gives me so much strength! I still love my ex. I miss him. We had a lot of good times. But when you finally come to the realization that he won’t wake up.. When you realize there will never be that mutual respect and he will continue to manipulate, distort and try to convince you that you are crazy..it’s time to walk away. It’s not easy. I’ve done this dozens of times now in under a year and a half. I can’t live my life in a mental prison cell. That’s just how it felt. I am too strong..a free spirit..and this relationship became so confining. I’m too emotionally intelligent to live this way.

  47. I am married to a narcissistic and OMG is exhausting. For years and years i never answered or requested my needs be met but then i realized it was all about him, what he wanted and got tired of his abusive behavior and now i just answer him back and don’t take his @#$%^ but some times is exhausting because it is true, he loves it when he bullies me and i answer him back, from now on I’m going to try my best to don’t answer him. I want him to go crazy trying to figure out why in the world he didn’t get under my skin, and is gonna be hard because he’s a coward who uses our son and puts him in the middle, but i will try my best. And yes, these evil people are fakers, everybody things they are they best thing ever but they are not.

  48. Hello,
    I was in a bereavement support group in which supposedly everyone liked each other and decided to stay connected by monthly get-togethers. There was an obvious (to me) narcissist who from day one I knew would be trouble. Two months after the formal group, the seven of us met for a social visit. Of course the narcissist took over the conversation. However, as we were leaving, she told me something that she wanted to do, to get rid of her 89 year old father because she could not stand living with him. I emailed her that night trying to convince her that she could get in trouble. She was clearly angry and let me know. It became the last email she ever wrote to me. She ignored all others (although I certainly stopped emailing her when I realized what was going on). At the next social meeting of the support group, I could tell she was ignoring me when no one else was present. If someone else in the group was present, she acted less distant. Then, at the last social gathering, I realized that she had started a smear campaign about me (e.g., making fun of me in a “joking” manner). Also, members of the group were asking me questions that they hadn’t before, as if they learned new information about me. Finally, when it was time to arrange the next visit, I sent out an email and not one person answered. We were all in contact before, and answered each other. It was at that point I realized she must have made up some doozy of a lie about me. I also realized that the group drank some of the Kool-Aid she made and believed whatever it was she said. The group did not know each other too well during the bereavement group that lasted for only 6 sessions. However, I find it amazing that they took whatever she said about me at face value. I had a very friendly rapport with these people beforehand. I will not be invited to any of the future visits. But, I realize it is also better to be out of this group who could so easily change their thoughts based on one very unstable person’s lies. I know she was worried I would tell them her nasty secret, so she had to discredit me in any way she could. There is nothing I can do about this. So, I basically wanted to vent to someone, which I appreciate you letting me do. Thank you!

    1. Hi Nina,

      Please know of course you can vent here.

      Absolutely you are better off than being in an environment with a toxic person.

      Sending love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  49. Thank you so much for your video regarding being an empath and not getting hooked by a narcissist….my biggest question was how to set boundaries without letting go of my emotions. How to be strong yet vulnerable is a tough feat for someone who just wants to love and be loved. But now I understand the difference…it is all finally making sense. What is thought was chemistry was just subconscious thoughts.

    So many of the “dating” advice people will say to get out there and date, but they don’t truly understand that the soul has to heal first. I dated continuously for 3 years (after a 13 year marriage and a 4 year fake relationship to a narc) and time after time came up short, on dead ends, and many of them being narcissistic. I didn’t know how or why I was getting hooked just knew I had to get away. Now I feel better armed against them. How to take my time, be more confident, and whole. Looking back, I am amazed at the skill level of the narcissistic men…it was NEVER about love….just mastering the situation.

    Today is a new day….no more defensiveness and hiding, begging or pleading….or wishing for change.

    Thank you again,
    J

  50. This is so true. Ignore and don’t react. I wish I had this information 20 years ago. My husband falls more in the passive aggressive type but my boss is text book Narcissistic. I want to clear my name but since all coworkers either love her because they are feeding each other and manipulators themselves or fear they will suffer my fate so they allow me to feed the wolves so their schedules don’t get changed. I am very much an empath and a defender of others and a righter of wrongs but when corporate knows and won’t do anything except hide from me or spin things in her favor I have to accept that I am on my own. She spends a lot of time painting a picture of me that better describes her than me. I am not able to control my emotions 100% of the time with my husband or work but I am so much better than I used to be. Just understanding that it is hopeless to defend myself and make any one understand somehow makes it easier to accept… as strange as that sounds.
    True Narcissists are supposedly quite rare according to Psychology information but it seems the entitlement culture we live in has upped the supply. What are your thoughts when people say only a Psychiatrist is capable of diagnosing people so calling people narcissists is not an accurate label?

    1. Hi y,

      It is so true that defending ourselves doesn’t work and that is why I am such a fan of working on ourselves on the inside in order to show up as our authentic and true selves and that is when narcissists unravel and are powerless against us.

      It’s not easy, it takes a lot of work yet it is possible.

      I truly am not too concerned about what people believe regarding a diagnosis. To me it is always about getting clear on our self, rights, truth and wellbeing and the people who have the resource to join us do, and those who can’t don’t. It really isn’t about what their label is.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  51. Mel,

    Thank you for your hard work. You are an angel sent to me from god. I am working narp and still have more work to do. I have a court proceeding in two weeks and will work 8, 4 and goals before I go. My biggest concern is I did sort of attack back by writing a 2 pg affidavit to the courts. I’m sure this will energize things. I thought about it over and over again. If I didn’t write my truth then who am I? I have to express what he did to me. My inner being is worried about the back lash and what he will fabricate though for the following court day. I need to keep working narp and not worry so much. The judges see this all day long. I promised myself to be calm, cool and collected and not let him get to me but I need to feel it from the inside. I will tell you I am a lot better now than I was a yr and a half ago. Peace Mel ❤️❤️❤️

    1. Hi Andrea,

      Thank you for you kind words and I am just so pleased I could help.

      That is great that you are working NARP and working at staying solid and in peace on the inside.

      Just keep doing that sweetheart that grants you the best possibility of it unfolding positively.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  52. I am so happy to have found your website. Only after the 4th time being cut out of my sisters life for made up/inflated reasons did I finally google “how to deal with being cut off by sister” and all signs were pointing to this new word that I never really knew what it meant, narcissist. Everything makes complete sense now, unfortunately, but at least I have some peace moving forward that even though it hurts I hold the power in making sure she can never do this to me again. Unfortunately we both have children whose relationships have been severed as well but at least they are young and maybe as they grow up this will feel normal and they won’t realize anything has been severed. It is So nice to know I’m not alone as for the past week I have been sick to my stomach, couldn’t sleep, headaches, my mouth even broke out in cold sores from the stress. I was feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me and starting to feel like everyone I knew probably hated me too. I realize now her attacks against me have little if anything to actually do with me and that love , not dna ,is what makes you family. Thank you for helping me.

  53. That’s a wonderful article. I learnt all of that in a dream! – back in the day. I dreamt of the movie “High Noon”. My partner and I stood, armed, at 20 paces. And in the dream I did a spectacular thing. I leant down, and I laid down my weapons. And then I stood up, unarmed and a bit scared before him, and I put my complete faith in Reason to carry me through.
    The dream ended there, but I knew at once that it was really profound. I realised my weapons were my Anger. Judgement. Criticism. And “help”. And I imagined putting all that aside and staying calm, direct and rational with him – and I imagined him opposite pulling out all of his guns and flailing around in impotent rage.
    And that’s exactly how it played out in real life! And it was easy! – I was out of there within weeks. In short, I found my freedom the instant I gave up my Fear. And you are absolutely right … life really does have our back, if we will only listen and place our trust in it.

  54. Hi,
    I’ve read this article few times but this time I feel I can take more info in (NARP working!) . After having a conversation with possible narc- that didn’t help…

    I’m going to do more Quantum Healing but until it starts to work in this area… What to do?
    I’m able to ignore many “traps” at this stage, but in regards to kids… Wouldn’t child see like I’m letting him/her down when not stepping in?
    E.g. Carelessness but hard to prove that it’s malicious. Many people, including kids, will only see the parent who seems to care a lot (here and there).

  55. Thank you…this will always stay relevant. Was married to a Narc and got divorced 2 weeks ago after 27+ years of marraige. I am battling with the fact that he is not as hurt and miserable and heartbroken as I am. He takes up sooo much of my time and energy. I was hoping for some sort of ‘sorry’ but obviously wont get that. My God – will this hurt ever go away…and will I ever be able to feel NOTHING for him?

  56. after 20+ years, i woke up. i have been very confused by all the criticisms, gaslighting (didn’t know there was a term for this), and angry outbursts for the smallest of matters. How can someone i love do this? Nope, i wasn’t perfect but this behavior was just confusing. i was pulling my hair out and many times actually told myself, she seems to get ‘stronger’ when she argues and screams at me. She actually seems to like it! Didn’t make any sense back then but it sure does now. I didn’t know it’s the narc’s way of getting an emotional ‘high’.

    yes, i was the co-dependent and the wanting-to-please all and i didn’t know that is a magnet for narcs. ALL the signs were there and i pushed them aside thinking, it’ll get better and love should conquer all, right? (NOPE).

    i went gray rock for 3 weeks and it worked. it was quiet, but it didn’t last. she exploded on me and i stayed calm at the beginning but caved and had a yelling exchange. And boy, after that — calmed down. narc supply – filled to the brim.

    how foolish I have been thinking it was me that needed to try harder when every time i tried harder, it wasn’t still enough, I will NEVER be enough.
    So i’m taking your route. You are so right that i have to heal myself internally first before things can get better. we have kids so leaving is not an option at this time. I do not know what the future holds, but one thing i know for sure I am working on myself – to heal myself and i WILL SUCCEED.

    thank you for all that you do.

    1. Hi Danny,

      That is wonderful that you are taking back your power, and rather than trying to fix it and her you are dedicated to your inner healing.

      Wishing you peace, success and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  57. Hi Mel,

    I keep reaching for help and support and new people keep getting turned against me in droves.

    I exposed my narcissist, who was a public figure. But I also fought him back, because I was so hurt and angry at him for doing what he was doing to me. I made private recordings to him on my digital recorder and I said horrible, horrible things to him. I thought if I was really mean and nasty, he would give up and go away and leave me alone.

    That didn’t happen. He had technical audio expertise. He got hold of my recordings and now spreads them to everyone I come in contact with. He has smeared me so badly in my hometown that I am being hacked, and my most recent novella, which I have worked really hard at keeping under wraps, has been stolen and leaked. There is no end to the people who are quoting lines back to me from my book. The good thing is that it wasn’t the final copy.

    A lot of the time I am able to ignore the garbage. But it is absolutely everywhere, and I believe there is video footage of me as well as the audio. I still continue to move forward in my life and things are definitely improving. The only thing that stands in my way is my mind – I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, which does not help.

    Even while some people overtly disparage me to my face, thinking that they are “getting one over on me” because they believe I am stupid, but I actually catch what they are doing and keep my mouth shut – I am seeing more and more that there are some people who are getting to know me and genuinely seem to like me and care about me. But they have been introduced to this “game” created by the narcissist, who has put me on display in the public eye any way possible – and I think sometimes they can’t help but continue the behavior that they have been indoctrinated into, though they may feel a twinge of guilt.

    Thank you. Still searching for support by genuinely caring people who cannot be turned away by distasteful audio or visual, because they know I am not really a bad person, once they get to know me. And then I see the question in their faces, sometimes – like “Why is she not getting upset or pissed off? Why is she not reacting to this? I thought she was supposed to be mental?” And then I hope that they have moments of doubt about recorded things from two/three years ago when I was highly stressed and screaming into my private recorder.

    Best,
    Shannon

    1. Hi Shannon,

      Sending you continued healing and relief from this.

      I really do believe and have experienced in thousands of cases including with myself … that when we are completely free of this on the inside, the outside must and does dissolve away also.

      Wishing you many blessings Shannon.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  58. Thanks Mel, I am dealing with one right now and he is using our children 3 & 4 years to drag me. what do i do about this?

  59. WOW Tonia,

    No other blog, website, or article on Narcasistic Abuse speaks louder to my spirit than you do. I am so thankful that I am thriving through this journey with your assistance and experience. You are truly a blessing and I thank you so much for choosing to develop a passion for helping others understand the toxic mindset of a narc. Bless you, kindred soul and I will continue to use your resources as a tool to help me continue to heal through my experience with my narc in which happens to be the father of my child. It has been a long traumatic 2 years but I have blossomed through my pain with your help. Thank you so much

    with love Edy

  60. This is exceptionally well articulated. You have pinpointed down to a level of truth and helpfulness that is absolutely liberating. Thank you is not enough. God bless you for shining a light in the world, on such a dark aspect of human experience. My soul feels like it is being fed healing water through your words, as if water is being gently cascaded on a panting body that was reduced to starving bones. I can’t describe it – but feel you may just know what I mean. The relief and peace is liberating. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  61. Hi Melanie,
    I’ve had narcissism repeatedly turn up on my life’s path and frankly, I’ve become weary about this in itself, as each time I rid myself of a narcissist, whether it has been by leaving a job/ partner etc when I was younger, and reading self help books, it happens again down the line. I think it is because I notice bad behaviours, and am strong against bullying. I have never though, ‘won’ the battle, it ends in me having to simply leave a place/ person. But I am shocked how it has crossed my path again in my 40’s. Is that something I am putting out there?

    I am now dealing with a very covert and insiduous narcissistic mother in law, having settled with my partner who i met several years ago and now have a young child with. Hence I cannot walk away. I caught on to her behaviour straight after the birth of our child, she was visiting too often, bought too many things, kept snatching him away even mid-feed, and I could only SENSE (as she is covert) her extreme rage if we put any polite boundaries in. Amongst other things, she would get annoyed with him crying when she was holding him (as in her eyes, a normal crying baby doesn’t make her look like the perfect matriarch in front of her family), lots of other awful things she has done, which only I can see are inappropriate.

    She has cottoned onto the fact that she can hurt/ punish me for any boundaries, by being intrusive towards my child. For example, having the camera right up in his face and taking 20 snaps at once with him looking startled, is her latest game, if she perceives any slight. It’s her way of invading his space, to get a reaction. She snatches him away and I don’t know where she is going etc. I have found it traumatic, to the point I have now fallen out with my partner. We are trying to agree lesser contact but it does not work, as he cannot see the narcissism or is in complete denial about who she is. To me, her narcissism is absolutely easy to spot. She is a silent controller and insiduous. Her outer demeanour is very un-animated and without expression, hence others only see a nice passive woman (to me, it is a red flag.) But their whole family follows her control; her daughter is personality disordered and completely controlled by her, no life of her own as an adult. And my partner cannot put any boundaries in with her, and is scared to do so, though would never admit it.

    Since our having our child, her narcissism has come to life because he is a huge source of narcissistic supply. She has a whispering campaign already going on behind my back, about me being over protective I think, all sorts of lies, which are only based of course, on my pulling back only when it comes to her – being in my son’s face. She has told her family I don’t let him socialise, I never let him go (total lies and he is very part of a social network) etc as they have all subsequently changed how they are with me, and she definately has a ‘flying monkey’ system in full operation. Extended family who are not close relatives have turned up on supposed random visits, despite living miles away, to invade my space, quite unnervingly, too long a story to go into, but they are no longer friendly. When I have been nothing but generous with our time.

    To cut a long story short, I feel an affinity with what you are saying about letting go or not fighting the narcissist, all my previous battles I have lost. My question is, HOW do you heal yourself in terms of your inner reactions to the narcissist’s games, particularly if they are intruding into your child’s space to get a reaction? Things which she does she knows I will pick up on. How do I not react. I have tried this, but my energy is still seeping out to her, and she knows it, as I am repressing the urge to scream at her to get out of our lives, to protect my child.

    I feel so traumatised when she is in my child’s face, or trying to have subtle control through various means, I go through the ‘fight or flight’ reaction internally and feeling totally stuck (there is a long list of things she does aside from the secret smear campaign, including using her money to try to influence/ control, trying to have secret chats with my partner about my son’s schooling or other matters). It is always like she is trying to take my son, that is how she makes me feel. I feel shaken up after every visit that’s how bad she is. She is a superb game player.

    How do you sort out the inner feelings and trauma – if you are hard wired to see this sort of thing, and not react. At the moment I am not reacting, but she knows I want to, hence I am still giving her my energy either way. If I react she can tell her family I am crazy etc which is what she is vying for. I feel so traumatised by the woman it has become a huge deal in my life now, as I wait for the next request to visit. It is causing friction with my partner who is deeply entrenched in their family dysfunction. My putting a boundary up is of no use if he is still letting the boundary down. What does the inner healing actually entail, I cannot stop all my natural reactions and instincts to want to go no contact with this woman as she will never change. Grateful for your advice. Apologies this is a long message!
    Rachel – UK.

    1. Hi Rachael,

      So many of us were the same … completely bamboozled how despite our knowledge and self work that narcissists kept coming into our life. And why we continued to battle with them.

      For me and so many others, this only changed by doing the deep inner work on our subconscious programs.

      My free workshop takes you exactly through what is going on here and how to heal it http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Truly this will explain – in depth – to you how to get clarity, power and relief.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  62. I was with a Narcissist for 7 years. I broke up with him 7 times and went back each time. Ugg I am so over that part of myself. Each time we broke up he would beg and plead to get back together all the while sleeping with other women and leading them to believe they were the next relationship. One girl he dated while we were broke up 3 different times and continued the relationship after we were back together. (Of course he lied about it all) She and him seem perfect for each other since she knew about us and she kept pursuing him. This last breakup he initiated before I did cause I was again on the brink, now he is dating her again. I really don’t care about that, better her than me. I told him to never contact me again. He said he wanted to be friends and I said absolutely not. Then he started liking my tweets on twitter ( I blocked him from everything else) at first just one didn’t bother me but then he kept it up and was commenting. I replied to one comment and said stop liking my tweets I don’t want to be your friend. Ever since then he has been sending me the nastiest emails. I haven’t really read them, just scanned through. My pastor suggest I politely ask him to stop and I did via email. My last sentence was “no need to reply, just let it be” I received 3 scathing emails and somehow he sent a group text that included an unknown number and it came through to my phone, even though he is blocked. I didn’t reply but omg… everything he is saying is a smear campaign about me that really highlights him and not me. It so disgusting. I wish I could punch him in the face and his new girlfriend threatened me (to call my work and tell this about this drama, pahleese) I am really wanting to ignore him but he so low down and nasty. I am praying for detachment from these unhealthy bonds. I should have never went back and that is what I need to work on. I can’t ever let this happen to me again.

    1. Another thing I left out, is I brought him to my church about 6 years ago, and now he has infiltrated it and I am a volunteer there. I’ve been avoiding going but my young adult daughter goes and is also very involved and she says we can’t let him bully us out of there. We have been going there 10 years. I am going this weekend but I am feeling very uncomfortable. Him and his new girlfriend are bullies and while I do not care about them dating so much, I care about there anger and malicious actions.

  63. I recently got out of a relationship with a narcissist who really exploited me. He cheated on me and when I didn’t take him back, he lost control of me and has been going to intense lengths to hurt me. He has been posting intimate images that were shared between him and I on various social media account or websites. He made an awful Facebook profile which had so many intimate images of me and added my friends and classmates to the profile so they would all see that part of me. They were all embarrassing photos too. He’s been going to great lengths to get at me and I’ve been ignoring him. However with posting my photos I’ve had to reach out to a lawyer and I am wondering if sueing him or trying to bring justice to his crimes would only fuel his fire after he receives letters from my lawyer. He’s an awful nasty person who has gone to extreme lengths to ruin me and I guess I’m still scared of what he could do.

  64. Sometimes becomes a cheap thrill engaging with a extreme narcissist, In my experience self preservation and moving on with narcissists sometimes draws you into the game/battle but now you do it knowingly with safeguards like this. As time has gone on it gets easier but i still watch the narcissist from afar as relationships are interconnected so cannot break away cleanly. I am not perfect myself so working on my own clutter helps, finding peace within yourself i found is important. My contact with narcs will always be rehearsed and staged at best, ignoring their tempo, ignoring their emotions, saying little as possible picturing a silent assasin against evil narcissists.

  65. I live right next door to my Narcissist “friend” and never having experienced anything like this before her behaviour suggests to me she is a Narcissist. I moved to my present home and didn’t know anyone in the area and I was fine about that and wanted to keep to myself. I’d see her occasional over the fence or on the street and she always talked in violence or about how great she is and I’d dismiss it. One day she forced her way into my home and threatened me if I didn’t be her friend. Stupid me felt sorry for the woman and decided to give her chance. I got the sob stories about how bad her mother had been to her, how she was on the streets at 16, how bad her husband was to her and on and on and on and I felt more sorry for her. I mean I really was taken in. She made an excellent friend, or at least gave the appearance of being an excellent friend and we got on really well. She made me feel special and loved which had never happened to me before coming from a very abusive background. She made me feel lucky to have found a “friend” like her, my first ever friend who wouldn’t hurt me, wouldn’t use me or do anything bad to me and all the while I was handing over staggering amounts of money to her and her son whose behaviour was more like a child than a man. I didn’t realise how much money they were getting, didn’t even notice it because after all here were two poor souls on benefits with needs and wants I could meet and was happy to do so without thinking about what they were getting and not realising I was getting nothing in return. It wasn’t a conventional friendship. She’d come into my home at 9:00 am before he got up and left at 12:00 noon when he got up to make him something to eat, that was the friendship. Without warning, reason, discussion or explanation this brilliant “friend” rejected me, told the most malicious and vindictive lies about me and my sexuality and has been hostile ever since and he encouraged her behaviour by supporting it and adding his own malice. There was no reasoning with her and she took it as harassment. She saw nothing wrong with her behaviour and it turned out I’m not their first victim. She’s had many friend before me when she told me she’d never had friends until she met me and she used to always pray to God to send one and I was it. She has no conscience about the hurt and pain she’s caused. She was literally like a drug to me I had to have so she’d leave my home and I’d be on the phone to her and she wouldn’t mind, then I just had to phone her again and again and I just couldn’t understand it. My beloved mother died suddenly and I’m now dealing with that and what was to be my brand new start in the complete absolute is destroyed by that Narcissist woman. One morning she woke up and walked out of her first borns lives and neve looked back. She told me her first husband told the children she was dead, oh really when she’s on Facebook and so are they, adults now. She had some temper on her too and would blow up on me for no reason at all and she behaved so childish at times and everything was always my fault. I found out she has an infamous reputation for treating people very badly and for being a heartless user, completely void of humanity, compassion and decency. She would take your stories and experiences and claim them for her own and put her own spin on them and she told such stupid and down right dangerous lies all the time. Everything about her was just a massive lie and I was discarded like an old rag. We reconciled the very next day after she did that, but again I was binned off. It’s been two years now and I’ve never gotten over the consequences of getting involved with that woman. She still does stupid things as if to get my attention and absolutely strange things like my mother paid to have our shared garden upgraded and she agreed to maintain it so we it was mono blocked and fencing erected and to this day she hasn’t done a thing to it and when she did furnish it and it looked good she went into a mood for no reason and removed the furnishings again. Well, the other night I weeded the garden, tided it up considerably and looked so much better because after all my mother did pay just over £4000.00 for the upgrade. I’d only finished doing it went back into the house and she weeded the garden, there was nothing to weed. I’ve only this evening stopped trying to reason with her, trying to make her understand her behaviour isn’t acceptable. I didn’t even know Narcissists existed and my dear mother thought it was a flower. Thanks to this web site I now know what I really meant to her and how that wonderful first friend ever and friendship didn’t really exist and I feel so much better for it and now I will completely ignore her which will be hard considering how close I live to her and every day will be reminded what she did to me. Thank you for your web site.

  66. When they ignore us, giving silent treatment after silent treatment, ghosting after doing something they know was morally responsible, or discarding us when we stand up to them and show we aren’t gonna be used in such a heinous manner any longer, it’s despicable.
    But then when we have to learn how to be that manipulative in return and call it
    grey rock, no-contact ect, it’s called healing.
    So then they learn these new terms for subversive tactics, much like the ones that created their disorder to begin with, and they’ll make you appear crazy by mislabeling their silent treatment and call it no-contact to others. Which of course our drive to resolve conflicts and communicate in our search for clarity and truth means they have gobs of unanswered texts or voice messages where we’ve made ourselves look like the narcissist or crazy ex for whom they just had to go “no-contact.”
    Nobody wins in these types of situations, until both parties say what needs to be said and steady change can be seen.
    Seems like

  67. i am in relationshio with a narc i cant get out of it i am studying in final year of mbbs i cant breakup with him now. he is my classfellow. wgenever i tried to breakup he either tortured me emotionaly or try to get me back. i always trust him and always ended up shattered and lonely. he always left me alone when i need some friend. he isolated me frome everyone even my sister. he never listen to me. i dnt know how to get over it. i have to pass my final proff my study is tough. i dnt know what should i have to do

  68. Thank you for this. Everything you said resonated with me. I can now make the changes I need to and get out of this marriage. I appreciate this so so much.

  69. Melanie,

    I am so grateful I stumbled upon your site. I was initially researching the connection between the inability to be accountable for one’s actions, and codependency.

    I found your article on Covert Narcissism and Accountability.

    Then I kept reading….

    By the next time I met with my therapist, I had made the connections I was trying to discern for the past three years to understand my STBX’s weird and crazy frustrating behavior.

    Complex trauma survivors have certain behavioral health challenges that make them attractive to people with Covert or Overt Narcissism;
    The former are sucked in thinking ‘this one is different;’
    The latter takes weird joy in constantly getting a ‘rise’ out of the former;
    The former starts to think THEY are the crazy one, they doubt themselves, their memory, they even start to wonder if they are the evil hateful person the latter acts like they are;
    They finally NAME what the narc is doing;
    The narc is unmasked and flees for a new supply of attention – usually already prepped and cultivated.

    Rinse, wash, repeat.

    I’ve been consuming everything I can about covert narcissism. Much of what I’ve read is spot on!

    I recently confronted my STBX and said I now understood why he was doing these things, how he was doing them, and when he would do them (why: because of crippling low self love, and the desire for any attention possible; how: manipulation, gaslighting, stonewalling, chronic lying, etc.; when: whenever he needed a shot of attention).

    His behavior patterns in the context of conflict and accountability are now so clear to me: constant energy on my part to get him to (1) understand why what he did was wrong – that phase usually takes a few weeks to a few months; (2) understand how his behavior impacts me – another few months for him to “process;” (3) his ‘heartfelt disclosure – usually something along the lines of a half true ‘confession’ designed to illicit attention for the ‘victim’ followed by; (4) faux apology and begging for forgiveness with professions of how sorry he is and how I deserve better; (5) subsequent discussions to unpack the original disclosure are characterized by (a) minimization; (b) rewriting history; and finally (c) denying that he said what he said, ‘forgetting,’ professing ‘confusion’ and as always anger and projection.

    I didn’t fall for it this time. He told me that he did recognize a lot of himself in the article and that he was so sorry and wanted to change. I told him that this was a great topic to discuss with a professional – which I am not – thanked him for sharing how it resonated, then went to bed.

    The next day I thanked him again for his disclosure, and told him it was hugely helpful for me as well, as I now know what he did was intentional and I could chose to not let me bait him or get sucked into mindgames.

    As expected, Steps 2-5 subsequently followed – starting with minimization all the way to denial.

    I told him I was ready to stop resisting who he truly is and accept him for who his is. Filed for divorce, confronted his sister in law about their years long affair, told her husband, blocked everyone from social and contact, and emailed the STBX with the following: No contact – I’m cutting off your supply!

    Within hours he came home, packed a bag, and left. I later sent him a cal invite for an appointment to get our MSA signed – which I’ve revised to reflect that he will get nothing from me – and he accepted it.

    I wonder if the trick with these types – outside of ‘us’ doing the work necessary to be as ‘unattractive’ to them as possible – is standing up to them, naming their behavior, why they do it, how, when, and shut it down.

    There’s no power left to leverage, no source of energy to suck.

    Whatever the case, I feel the fog clearing. I finally understand my own horrible reactions to his behavior, and how I’ve allowed him to break down my sense of reality over the years.

    Never again!!

  70. Years of my life lost to this. 5 weeks and counting of being free of it. Read lots about “no contact” but always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Of course it just kept him in control. There has been zero contact in 5 days and by starving him of the oxygen and attention this has slipped his mask off to all my work colleagues friends and family who he has contacted persistently and aggressively – but I will never react. I will never respond. Never. Reached horrible climax of abusive calls so now has police injunction slapped on him. When you are going through hell – keep going….

  71. Thank you for this. I’ve read a LOT -but this is the best by far. And it bonds together surviving the narcissist with a spiritual journey which I also find myself on. I am older and married to a narcissist still. And I learned the first part, of ignoring the narcissist, the hard way. I was pushed, no matter how hard I tried to please and to make things right, until I really and truly did not give a f*ck at all – not even one little bit any longer. Reaching this point literally felt like ‘heaven’ compared to the bowels of hell through which I had to go to get there. [The lying, stealing from me and even from my [young adult] child -not for financial gain – just to take away the little things we need – like our glasses or phone chargers etc., the gas-lighting, the manipulation of even the littlest things, the constant looking for anything to criticize and complain about, etc.] The ‘ignoring’ came slowly, bit by bit over a period of years. Just totally giving up on one aspect of our relationship at a time. No long just ignoring – but finding it all irrelevant to me and my journey. And I find myself once again going back to a spiritual journey begun decades ago – with so many starts and derailments. I love the very end of this post. The part where you point out that perhaps the experience has helped us to transcend our ego a bit and maybe some important lessons learned. Thank you!

  72. Is it just me or does the narcissistic male act one way when you first meet them – and once your married it’s like they flip a switch? The man I’m with today reads just like a standard narcissist in his behavior. He did none of it in my presence until 3 years ago. He also did acting in community theater. Is it possible he was just faking his niceness? I’m in the process of detaching from him and have already began to distance myself and ignore his behavior. He connects the dots for low/no self esteem and always uses the pronouns Me, I and myself. We just doesn’t exist …..

  73. Thank you Melanie! This truly works and is the best way to deal with a narcissist. I’ve done this with the ex and am presently doing this with a family member. Once you ignore them and don’t participate in their drama any longer, or feed them, you’re no longer any fun for them. My life has gotten so much better and stress free, since initiating this and investing in my own self care and healing! I don’t need or miss these people, nor am I invested in what they think of me, or are saying about me…I truly don’t care and don’t give them a second thought!

    1. Hi Brenda,

      how beautiful that you have fully detached, partnered yourself and dedicated to your own healing.

      This is true freedom at the highest level.

      Many continued blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  74. I had moved on or so I thought and let him back in and ended up getting the flu and having a mental breakdown. I kept thinking him and his family were decent people and when I realized they really hadn’t given a shit and I had lost everything including my child bearing years, apartment and health to someone who didn’t care about me at all… well I’ve never had a breakdown before but now I know what it’s like. The threats, he was trying to scare me by telling the police false information and using it to put me in my place, kept trying to find out where I live. Thank god j got all the resources I did to get out but it’s been ten months and I have not picked up the pieces, in fact I am in more debt and trouble than ever plus just made a laughing stock and boosted his ego. I’ve done the NARP work over and over but I need something extra for this guy. It’s not sticking.

  75. What about the children? I left a sinking boat who was a friend I’d attached to after divorcing a narc, until I realized she is the same as he was, only worse in her nastiness towards those she hurts. At least in this relationship, I didnt have to heal the depth of wounds as I am still healing from the divorce. It was easier to establish firm boundaries, and as those were disrespected I sealed off completely. The prob is that her daughter is my son’s best friend of six years and they are 12. I have become a source of safe connection for her daughter over time as her mother is uncaring and screams at her all the time, and neglects her in many ways. The child would call me after school for connection and hang with my son at our house. My sin is homeschooled. Now, the mother is trying to punish me through the kids and has terminated all contact. My son is ok as I am here to help him through it, but his friend has no one she connects to deeply, as she has developed an outer skin to hide her pain. I am worried about her. Her extended family are a lot of sociopaths. Her brother is joining the military to escape it all.

  76. Of all the information I have read and researched this has been by far the most profound nail on the head resource I have found.
    I have felt many times on this chaotic journey I must be losing my mind because of the mental turmoil that comes with the territory.
    Thank you for giving me a sense of sanity and an end to all that it drains from anyone with full embodied sense of injustice in the world as we know it.
    I’ve always considered myself to be grounded and strong beyond measure until I met him and it has turned me into a monster as I call it because of my emotional response.

  77. Investing in a narc is like investing in a stock over and over again that keeps going down and down until it goes to zero, and yet you still believe it will rise again.

  78. This is exactly what I needed to read today. I too have been abused all my life by a narc; my father. He has stolen mine and my siblings’ identities and, over two years ago, I went no-contact with my entire extended family; because they are all afraid to go against him. My young daughter at the time was dating a nice boy out of our race, and my father quickly judged her, disowned her and discarded her. He also blamed, judged, disowned and discarded me; but instead of fighting; instead of groveling, begging or otherwise engaging in his Reindeer Games, I walked away, but not before having the conversation with both my mother and my sister; none of whom I’d ever think of doing this to them. This has been the hardest part for me; knowing that I would have stood up and called him out no matter what the cost. They were all sellouts and they are all sick. I’m the only one who is and continues to be the healthiest one in the family. But I also carry every emotion they each should have but don’t. I immediately sought professional therapy for this and have been healing though slowly. I have dreams; I think about them every day, so I know I still have a long long way to go. After all, my family was everything to me. I trusted them to be there for me; for love, nurturing and support; for unconditional love. But it was all a fantasy. I still crave what I thought I always had; the right kinds of parents. I’m one of four and myself and my younger brother were severely emotionally abused all our lives. I come to find out all of this horror at the age of 52. Now turning 55 this year, I stand up and have a wonderfully supportive and loving husband and my three grown children and little grandchildren who stand with me. I still though, cannot conceive of how my parents (ages 85 and 82) can allow so much time to go by without seeing, speaking to or relating with their daughter, their grandchildren and even their great grandchildren. But I do know. THIS is malignant narcissistic behavior. Thank you for this great read. I will continue to pave the way for my immediate family with love support and integrity! 💕💕💕

  79. I am reading this & comments as i am locked myself in my room & my boyfriend of 28yrs is having a narc fit
    Screaming at me yelling at me as loud as he can calling me horrible names i just turned my tv up loud so it kind of mu
    Muffles him out then he knocks on my door asking me to give him my keys cause he wants milk its 10 oclock at night & we live in small town stores are closed & he didnt say anything allnight about milk until his raging fit i am going to try & keep ignoring him & hope he just stops wishful thinking yes i know but i will just go to sleep cause i know i am kind of safe behind these doors its so hard dealing with him we r suppose to be breaking up cause i am a whore this time but after a few days he is trying to be nice until i dont give him what he wants then the name calling starts all over again he has no friends and no place to go this is why i always give in i feel sorry for him until he starts up again & i want to leave cause he is threating me again with physical harm and verbal its so hard to escape to deal with i just want to wake up and be happy not feel scared if i leave & go to my friends house after a few days he will come hunt me down & want to talk its always about what he wants to get from me to leave we have prooerty to split its been like this for yrs we sold our primary home i gave him half we moved into our rental property now he wants half of this its never enough i am afraid he wont be happy until i have nothing & the truth is he is the one who came into this relationship with nothing my father taught him to be a roofer when my father died he helped me sell my fathers property so he thinks i owe him for that we do have 2 kids together which r now grown and moved out & i am 2 yrs past the time i said i would leave when our youngest turned 18 yrs old and graduated high school i called it my 18 yr plan but i am still here and miserable i work a parttime job he sleeps all day talking about how he is going to start his roofing buiness again like he has been for the last 10yrs when he has the money he spends it on orher shit until its gone. Then we r back to when he has the money this is what he is going to do for work & he refuses to get a job & if & when he did he always found a reason to quit they ripped him off some way some how so he quit same story diffrent company back to square 1 he is not working we r barely scrapping by but believe it or not when he had his buiness we did financially well but the narc ways never left at home nothing changed i wasnt happy cause i never new who he was going to be when he got home most of the time he was an asshole and i would kiss his ass cause of the boys but that has slowly stopped the past few yrs & he hates it. & i hate him thanks for listening i feel alittle better & he has quited down.. goodnight wish me luck someday i hope to be free with no guilt and no worry to smile a real smile

  80. Dear Melanie – thank you for this article. In 69 years of dealing with narcs in my life, including my narc mother, co-narc father, a narc sister and husband narc 1 and husband narc 2, I’ve learned that ignoring them and/or leaving quietly is the best way to take care of yourself. I’m still learning about narcissism and I learned more from this article, things I wish I had known decades ago. The more I learn the better I am.

  81. Mel, your emails come at the most opportune moments, when you doubt yourself and you think, oh I’ve got this person wrong. I’m now doing something bizarre, I’m doing a real test on my own, I’ll let you know how it fares. I’ve come thru the worst 6 years of my life with my daughters partner and thru him found out about NPD so the worst 46 years of my life (long story) with my narc husband (confirmed by a psychiatrist) You have given me so much insight but I also have faith at the highest level and I believe what’s for you won’t go past you, old school, whatever will be will be. I am now doing reverse psychology on this person who thinks he is cleverer than me but I am so much stronger. The only problem I have is that he is now using my grandchildren to get to me but I totally ignore him! I will overcome and eventually they will see thru him too. Kids are amazing, it’s out there all the time now, even the soaps are picking this up, coercive behaviour, manipulation. YOU MEL have been the one who knew, I was always connected to a higher power, my dear Lord, my God, my faith and I can’t thank you enough. Somehow, don’t know why I typed into google, why am I having circular conversations with this person but never getting any resolution, I found you! My Lord sent you to me and I’m forever grateful. I was given the information and I now deal with what I’m dealt! I am stronger now than ever!
    Woo hoo, luv you xxx

  82. I followed a link from a relationship coach and discovered this site some months back. I began wondering – Am I a Narcissist? I took the test at the beginning to see if I exhibited enough traits. I do not think I am a Narcissist now.

    I can only think of one friend of many years who seems to come closest to being Narcissist by these descriptions. I was a witness and only occasionally exposed. Over years I witnessed his continual violent verbal outbursts and threats toward anyone who was with him enough time. He fired every single one of his employees after just a few days – always accusing them of not following his instructions.
    HIs life partner became obese and maintained that — I have read that one of the ways of dealing with emotional trauma is to put on extra fat. That is mentioned by Nero Wolf character in Rex Stout’s murder detective stories. Wolff was very fat and said it helped him deal with all the suffering.
    One of my friends said she thought he was bipolar because he swung from very nice and friendly to extreme anger outbursts. But, I have known a friend’s brother who was diagnoses bipolar and that experience was wildly different than this because it was plainly very nutty and incoherent on the wild side.
    This guy remains totally coherent and precisely aims at his targets.

    I did ignore him without realizing it. My auto defense was to go STOIC on him and not give him any emotional handles, while remaining clear and firm about my position.

    One area that is confusion is the jargon here.
    I have been introspective since childhood and I am somewhat empathic.
    Studied world religions and then the works of some spiritual masters, Vedanta and Sufism

    I choose to follow people’s meanings and try to use context to discover it.
    It is too easy to disagree argue about words instead of discerning meanings that people intend. Here I am having some trouble because I am guessing I am too intellectual about my view — but common very popular words today are “authenticity”, “self”, “soul”, “mind”, “brain”,

    And here I am seeing “DNA” and “Quantum” used in an unfamiliar context.
    I am familiar conceptually and historically with Quantum Mechanics branch of physics. Is this a metaphor taken from that?

    In any case, while I am intrigued with the program and promise of getting over the emotional trauma that I am finally getting some clarity on —
    The possibility that it could be healed and cleared in relatively short time is attractive. My trauma is not primarily from a narc.
    I experienced abandonment from about 8 months through age 5 years being left with two abusive nannies before my mother found a family with two sons to take care of me while she worked and sought a husband. She was a young working mom who visited me and took me on some off-days trips, but was away mostly.
    What I remember as the most intense feeling is being in a crib and crying for hours and days — I confirmed this memory with my mother decades later. That was the first nanny and my mother discovered the abuse and there was a fight and I remember being afraid that my mother would hurt the lady — that is right, my fear as an infant is remembered and it was not what one might expect. My mother threatened to kill that lady.

    My response to the abandonment seems to be a sense that I am on my own and no one will be there for me. I have been alone most of my life. I am now 77 years old and in good health, but never married and no children because I got a vasectomy as soon as possible after the military service.

    So, I am wondering if this program may be useful for me, even so late i life.

  83. Im in family court. The problem is I have to show how he is hurting me to get protection for me and my child. So far, his lies have won throughout and he has succeeded in stopping all contact with my child for 2 years. I get the Quantum theory on a personal basis, but not sure how effective it is against class discriminations such as sexism. There is a victim blaming part to it that says you attract what hurts you, whereas often you are born into what hurts you ie being a woman, poc, etc.What other people think of you can have a material effect on us.

  84. Omg, Melanie! You are touching eternity, I thought I was familiar with the subject from every angle, happily developing in my own True Self, fighting my own ego, quite happy and seeing the results. But this statement that the Narcissistic Disorder person has NO good feelings whatsoever and has divorces from self is really harsh, I have no trouble in ignoring them and keeping distance, but in the Great Eternity, not speaking about this life, these are miserable people upon imagination. Thank you Melanie!!!

  85. I was in the process of letting go of the narcissist and had ceased contact when he punished me by flaunting his new girlfriend. It was incredibly painful, but not as painful as the thought of going back into that toxic situation. I immediately blocked him and went totally gray rock. Somehow that dose of reality helped me take my power back. That I have no desire to know what he is doing gives me hope that one day I will no longer think of him.

  86. I had no idea what narcissism was when I married my husband. He loved bombed me until I said I do. No he treats me like he hates me and also embarrassingly makes sure he dies it in front of other people. I’m making plans to leave and praying to God for direction in that. I never thought he would be as physically and emotionally abusive as he is to me. I often feel like a prisoner in my own home. Im currently going no contact until I can move out as he won’t leave. I sleep on the couch and he sleeps in the bedroom. I know God will get me through this horrible situation. Trusting God!

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