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After being narcissistically abused, your self-worth is stripped. And why wouldn’t it be when every insecurity, fear and inadequacy you have felt about yourself, others and life has erupted and blown up in your face?

After being narcissistically abused, not only do we doubt that we are lovable, desirable, capable or adequate, we even doubt our ability to stay vertical, survive our wounds or live as a human beings on this planet in a way that is not tormenting beyond belief.

If we thought we had doubts about ourselves before narcissistic abuse, it has gone to unthinkable levels.

Today, in this episode, I want to grant you 5 ways that you can start rebuilding your self-worth after narcissistic abuse.

And in fact, I want all of us to do better than rebuild – because I know, believe, stand for and live the reality of building ourselves to levels that we never were at, even before narcissistic abuse.

Within this Thriver TV episode, we investigate 5 steps to healing ourselves and establishing a self who fully believes in her or himself.

I hope you enjoy this episode and that it is a key to grant you the TRUE formula to claim incredible self-belief.

 

Video Transcript

Hi, and welcome to Thriver TV and an amazingly beautiful sunny Melbourne Day. Spring is here at last. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so, and I’d love for you to share my work with others who need it.

Today, I will discuss the five ways to rebuild your self-belief after narcissistic abuse. Because after being narcissistically abused, people know that their self-worth has been stripped. Why wouldn’t it be when every insecurity, fear, and inadequacy you felt about yourself and others in life erupted, and it’s blown up in your face?

After being narcissistically abused, not only do we doubt that we are lovable, desirable, capable, or adequate, we even doubt our ability to stay vertical, survive our wounds, or live as a human being on this planet in a way that is not tormenting beyond belief.

If we thought we had doubts about ourselves before narcissistic abuse, it has gone to unsinkable levels. We may not have realized the interconnectedness of things of self-belief and belief in others, and belief in life are all deeply conjoined.

When one topples, the entire cosmos of our existence is adversely affected. After narcissistic abuse, all three are affected beyond belief.

Today, in this episode, I want to grant you five ways to start rebuilding your self-worth after narcissistic abuse. I want all of us to do better than rebuild because I know, believe and stand for and live the reality of rebuilding to levels that we never were before narcissistic abuse. Of course, this can go gently, and you can take your time. There’s no expectation or race in your healing.

This is just a beautiful promise that is what you’ve got to look forward to. Okay.

So let’s get started.

 

Step One: Connect With Yourself

The first way to rebuild yourself and the entire platform of the other five steps is to connect with yourself.

Until now, we may not have realized that we’ve been trying to get connections outside of ourselves, yet they only reflected the real inner connection we had with ourselves. Our salvation, sanity, solidness, and ability to be and feel okay, thrive in life, and generate a healthy life must start with our connection to ourselves. That is the quantum engine of everything in our experience.

Naturally, after narcissistic abuse, your inner landscape will feel like a war zone you may think you want to avoid at all costs. But I can assure you the traumas without your loving presence and self partnering will shred you to pieces more and more the longer you stay disconnected from yourself.

The best way I know how to connect myself, shift trauma out, and bring light and well-being is with quantum freedom healing, the NARP Program. There’s nothing else I know of that works so powerfully, quickly and conclusively to achieve that.

Whether we are using quantum tools or not, those hurt parts of us inside us, the trauma triggering off all the symptoms of panic and anxiety and depression, we need to go towards those and love them back to wholeness rather than trying to disconnect and run from and ignore those parts of ourselves.

Why? This is the answer. How can we believe in ourselves when we’re self-abandoning and self-rejecting?

We can’t because our foundational inner relationship is fractured, which is the basis of every relationship we will ever have. The starting point is always this. I now know I must repair and heal my relationship with myself because my entire life depends on this essential foundation.

 

Step Two: Rebuild Your Self-Worth

Step number two is to rebuild our self-worth. Once we’re committed to self-partnering and wanting to love ourselves back to wholeness to establish our own inner identity. When you were narcissistically abused, did you know who you were?

Have you ever known what it is to live your authentic life rather than hand over your rights, needs, and desires to try to win love and approval or survival and security from others? So who are you as an individual?

You can understand who you are when you start answering the following questions. I strongly suggest playing back this video, writing these questions down in a journal, and then sitting with them to feel into them and write your answers deeply. What do you stand for? What do you like? What don’t you like? What qualities would you like to express and embody for yourself? What qualities would you like to receive in life? List the professions, pastimes and hobbies you would like to connect to.

Because this starts aligning you with being a self-generator of your truth, of becoming your authentic self, the only self that will ever gratify you and create a true life filled with true components, including true people.

This second step is the future trajectory of you believing in yourself. So now we need to dig some of the crap out that hasn’t yet allowed you to generate these realities for yourself.

This is where we identify the patterns in our life that we’ve continued to live, and we own them as ours, and we get in the driver’s seat to reprogram them to stop living them.

When we start living this way, we are connecting to incredible self-belief because not only do we believe that we can create our own life, we know we start experiencing that we are changing it, and we continue to do so more and more.

 

Step Three: Identify Your Patterns

So you need to ask yourself these questions for step number three. What patterns have I received that have continued to hurt me? What are they?

Okay. So again, you can re-listen to this video, pause it and deeply feel into that question.

Maybe it’s people who’ve deserted you or treated you like you don’t matter. Maybe it’s unavailable people, abusive people, controlling people, adulterous people, jealous people, untrustworthy people, violent, raging alcoholics or literal people that have addictions to anything in particular addicts.

Whatever it is right about it, the least the people and the times in your life that this has happened.

Now I want you to write after this, I now take back my power, acknowledging that this pattern is mine and that I can’t receive anything in my life that triggers and hurts unless I’ve got a corresponding trauma within me already because so within, so without.

These things that hurt me have been on repeat. The only way to be free of my inner pattern and these people and situations is to find and release my corresponding inner being traumas.

Then everything about love and relationship, inner identity coding, will shift, go free and change after you’ve written that down. You might have to stop, pause, and get all the words. I want you to read it a few times and feel it in your body because you’re taking your power back by doing that.

After deeply feeling, thinking about, and writing down these patterns, you’ve identified them. You are back in your power centre now and poised to make the only change you can to change your life, which is yourself, and then we go to step four.

 

Step Four: Beat The Resistance

Step four is revolutionary. It’s where a large majority of the real work is done. It’s about beating the resistance that keeps us wanting to be a victim, wanting to stay blaming others and humanity and thinking that everything and everyone else needs to change for our life to change, which is the ultimate illusion.

It keeps us from becoming the quantum creator of well-being that we are, which means becoming the change we want to receive. I promise you because I’ve lived both ways. We won’t truly believe in ourselves until we stop our defences and ego resistance from sabotaging us.

They tried hard to sabotage us because the ego, pain, and body need drama, pain and fear to survive. It’s only when you get past this that the ego feelings of competition, insecurity, lust, envy, fear, greed, addiction, compulsions, manipulation, using over force such as control or under force with things like withdrawing and withholding, all of that stuff starts melting away.

The relief of losing the over-obsessive brain is indescribable, which is what the ego does to us when activated. I am unsafe and must find every way possible to control this situation, no matter the cost to me and others.

So how do we do this? Step fully into the claiming of step number four to generate self-belief. The answer is really simple. We stop holding others responsible for our life as if we are children, yet we are adults. We stopped blaming and shaming anybody, including ourselves, and we realized the quantum powerful truth of so within, so without.

Then, we have only one simple goal to achieve, release all my traumatic triggers and heal those parts of myself to completion.

When we do that, everything transforms because of so within, so without. After narcissistic abuse, we have a host of traumatic triggers to evolve beyond. Some examples are the feelings of total dependency and being let down, abandoned and left to die by key people, such as family members or a spouse.

That is module two work in NARP, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program or, for example, the feelings of receiving unthinkable violations and traumas from people, cruel, senseless acts that we just can’t move beyond. That’s module four, work in NARP.

Well, the feelings of being responsible for others. We can’t let go of abusers because we feel like they rely on us and need us, and somehow we’ve got a sole contract to help them regardless of how much they’ve hurt us. That’s module six, work in NARP, and the list goes on and on and on.

The truth is no matter how many traumas there are, if they keep triggering off within us, we need to stop ignoring them and trying to numb them with self-avoidance and even addictions.

of course, by keeping painfully attached to the patterns that are destroying us, further hoping someone or something else will change for us. Instead, we need to go to these traumas and hold and heal them lovingly until completion because that’s the only way we will change our patterns.

Stop driving into the Wrong Town, turn the vehicle of your body and mind, and sell towards the right town. What we find is when we get out of our head thinking about the traumas that are triggered, which only causes us to set up defences and resentments as a result of holding onto those traumas, and instead go inside our inner identity in our body and find and release the trauma at the core.

Not only do the pain, obsession and symptoms of trauma leave us, but the abusers start shifting out of our experience because they’re no longer a match for the composition of our inner identity.

We also start developing incredible self-belief from becoming our healer, lover and parent, guru and quantum transformer, which we didn’t know was previously possible. For the first time in our lives, rather than feeling traumatized by life, we realized that we’re starting to master our life in quantum ways.

 

Step Five: Realise That Your Mind Overcomplicates Everything

Step five is realizing that our mind, which is the agent of the ego, overcomplicates everything and takes you away from healing and not toward it. You cannot think your way out of inner being trauma. It doesn’t work that way. Your mind will find all the reasons to label this trauma, hang onto it and believe this is so.

In contrast, our inner healing is straightforward. I don’t believe self-belief is created from researching and learning everything there is to know about our limitations. The people I know who self-research all their childhood issues and know them inside out and upside down, yet who’ve left the trauma inside their bodies do not have great self-belief.

In stark contrast, their belief is that of being a victim or a survivor of abuse or a person who suffers post-traumatic stress disorder, and the list goes on and on.

I know because I used to be one of these people. I knew I was an over-functioning, codependent suffering from OCD and anxiety disorders. I knew what that meant and why I’d developed that way.

I thought I just had to manage these conditions, which painfully included every time I was triggered to become the president of over-analysis anonymous; it was like I had a whole board meeting of anxious people going off in my head.

Whereas these days, and for many years I march preferred when triggered to load up any associated trauma that’s caused me to have the trigger with quantum freedom, healing and shift it out and directly heal those responsible traumas.

So these parts of myself that used to be like that have grown into solidness and well-being beyond description. There are now very few skills remaining that can be triggered now.

When it happens on much lower levels than my whole life used to be, which previously was one cataclysmic trigger after the other, I still load up and shift my inner being and keep evolving myself to calmer, more solid wise and glorious ways of being.

I hope that if this relates to you, I can help you realize this, learning everything about your trauma and the associated painful ways they manifest are keeping you stuck in them. That’s exactly where your mind, pain body, and ego would love you to stay as a victim to them.

But instead, you can shift them, lose them and evolve beyond them. You can set yourself free because the dark ages of being stuck with our diseases are gone. We’re far more advanced than that now. You will start living this when you regain your power with quantum tools. You’ll live it.

So these are examples of how ridiculously straightforward and uncomplicated the true healing path is. People say to me all the time things like. I’m working with NARP Mel, and I want your advice in this particular situation; whatever I feel small, insignificant and powerless, what should I work on?

My answer is, “You’ve already identified the feelings of being small, powerless and insignificant in that situation. Go to that and shift that. People say he left me immediately after me for another woman, and I can’t reconcile how he did that. What should I work on? I say to them that exactly, the feelings in your body go to it and shift it.

People say, “My ego is saying you don’t deserve to heal. How do I get past that?”

I say, “Go to that in your body, the trauma you feel in there on that and shift exactly that.” It truly is that literal and simple, regardless of all the questions, distractions, and sidetracks that our mind tries to take us on, all of which are heading towards Wrong Town.

What happens when we start freeing ourselves from what hurts and make space inside us where that trauma previously was? This is what happens, the natural flow, the organic source of life force, love, light, and well-being that is our natural state without our trauma. It enters our being and starts flowing through us.

So again, the healing path is not complicated. Only our mind loves to complicate it because in every answer I ever give in any of my forearms, it could be these 20 words.

Go to what hurts in your body, load it up and release it and bring in a source to replace it. Whatever it is that you need to work on, it’s exactly what hurts right now. Even if you can’t name it, if you can feel it in your body, that’s enough. You don’t even need to know what it is to shift it.

Your mind may not want to comprehend that quantum healing is possible. Truly, it is something you need to experience to believe. Then you know it because you start living it, your life starts healing, and you start believing in yourself in ways your mind could and would never achieve.

 

Conclusion

So when you start actualizing your healing path, there are two main purposes for which you will use quantum tools. The first is to keep cleaning out the pain and traumas that are not who you are, which are triggered to the surface within you.

The second way is to clear the block blocks and fears and limit self-beliefs that arise as you start wanting to move towards the right town to become the inner warm knowing. With all the new ground you start breaking into in limitless ways in your life, including love, health, extended relationships, feelings of well-being and a loving being in life, this feels natural.

You name all the stuff you want. So do you think that when you’ve broken through into being self-actualized, no longer trying to live with your wounds and instead living a life of unlimited growth and possibility as a result of freeing yourself from them, you will be excited about the levels of self-belief that you’re going to start feeling? You bet you will.

So to quickly reiterate, we’re just going to condense how to create self-belief after narcissistic abuse is, number one, connect with yourself. Number two, establish your identity. Who are you?

Identify the patterns which have been blocking you from being your true self. Four, commit to start shifting out your traumas. Five, stay out of analysis paralysis and do the work directly in your body instead. That’s it. That’s the winning formula to incredible self-belief.

So I hope you’ve enjoyed this video, and if you’d like to learn more about healing from toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse, you can sign up for my free 16-day recovery course. It includes an invitation to a healing workshop, all the stuff I talked about today with me, a set of eBooks and lots more.

So to access all of this, click the link on the top right of this video, and if you want to see more videos, make sure you like and subscribe so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.

So until next time, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do. Lots of love. Bye-bye.

Join My FREE 16-Day Recovery Course to Begin
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

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Commments (23) + Leave a comments

23 thoughts on “5 Ways To Rebuild Your Self-Worth After Narcissistic Abuse

  1. Very informative video Mel. I’m shifting and the ‘old stuff’ is becoming less appealing, yes it kept me stuck. I had to learn but held on too long. It’s all past trauma and an illusion. Out of my head now and in my body. Being codependent I’m too nice. Thats my lesson for today…my niceness has me put upon! I’m learning the difference between kindness and a fool. Thank you, it’s enlightening and a blessing to listen to you.

  2. Mel,

    This has to be the best most concise and useful little tidbit that you have sent directly to my inbox so far, and that is saying a lot! I have been NARPing since about November- so almost a year. The progress has been truly amazing, but I know I have so much further to go. These no nonsense tips are just the ticket- thank you thank you yet again Quantum Guru! Much much love from the other side of the planet, and as always, my best wishes to you as you continue your amazing mission of healing. xoxoxo

    1. Hi Violet,

      I am so pleased you got a great take-away from this!

      So happy for you that NARP has been wonderful to you!

      Much love to you too Darling Woman, and it’s lovely as always to hear from you 🙂

      Mel xo

  3. I had a horrible headache last night. I thought I could not make it through the night with my children make dinner and put them to bed. somehow i made a simple meal and let them watch videos while I layed on the sofa. While I did I went back in time and looked at my thirty year old self and told her I was from the future and I needed her help..she was angry a hurricane from carrying her past, than I went back to my twenty year old self and we all became one. I woke up stronger and more assured. This is five days before court for custody and my lawyer called.

  4. Hi Melanie
    I’m from Melbourne too.

    This video is just what I needed at this time. I am currently separating from my partner. We have 6 year old twins and I am just starting the process of legalities in regards to parenting plans and financial assets. I have narcissistic wounds, and trying to deal with the legal world and fight for my rights to property and children. I feel overwhelmed and helpless, the narcissistic wounds make me feel so small and fragile. With all the thoughts of how can this happen to me, Why couldn’t I see his true colors at the beginning. Now his going to use the children against me, I will never be free from his negative influence, I want to protect my children they are so young and innocent they cant understand, how can I let go and let God, my babies are now court in his narcissistic net.

    Does anybody out there have any advice of how to deal with narcs when your children are involved with them?

    Thank you Melanie

    1. Hi Michelle,

      hello to a fellow Melburnian!

      My heart goes out to you – it is so terrifying to stand up and defend ourselves when we feel so reduced and powerless. Michelle the first step is to find the way to rise through and release our trauma to get stronger for us and our children, and that is where Quanta Freedom Healing is so effective.

      I’d love you to come into my free webinar https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn about this. And it is so normal when under siege to think “I don’t have time to heal myself”, yet truly this is the time we need it the most.

      In regard to co-parenting – I have created many resources about this – and in-depth information that will help you.

      All you need to do is google my name + children +co-parenting and you will see them.

      Sending strength and healing and hope this reply helps.

      Mel xo

  5. What I am finding out is that Mindfulness Meditation works hand in hand with the NARP program. Meditation alone did not solve the damage from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. Quantum healings are the answer for sure. My years if meditation practice helps me to focus on the healings and has helped to speed up results. I have been able to stand up to bullying and say no now much quicker and with a quicker response…….this sends the narcissist running for the hills almost instantly.
    I just love this latest video of yours. It is another masterpiece as I watch YOU grow with your life saving practice. Yes Melanie…….you are doing great yourself!!!! keep up the good work!!!!!

  6. Hi Mel,

    By far the most informative video to date especially those who like myself are on the NARP and have struggled with understanding that using your mind to heal is a sure way NOT to. I use to research my way out of feeling pain and getting an understanding in my mind so that could stop the pain and the story of my life be it from sociopaths to childhood abuse and then personality types and symptoms of trauma and how I became that way. Even in therapy I am understanding many things but my mind is avoiding going inside believing it’s just that simple to shift trauma out of the body to heal the brain. I think many of us who are finding it so hard to heal that are on the NARP have a belief that without the mind we can’t heal and it just will not work without it. I have spent 15 years trying to get it via the mind be it self help books, addictive researching, working it out in my mind and doing it the wrong way which has cemented victimization and resentment in me. Just this week I was researching yet again and avoiding the modules must be a trauma and belief that I can’t heal. Turning 40 has been a wake up call but letting go of the mind/ego/pain body has been an emergency.

    Thank you for yet again waking me up…….Penny.

    1. Hi Penny,

      I am so pleased this helped.

      Oh gosh I so agree, that before my breakdown I tried everything and through that the power was in the brain.I was so lucky, really, in that after the breakdown I had NO brain left! That was when I started working through the body.

      Truly Penny, do a Module on “Why I am attached to trying to do it in my brain” … Somewhere in your body will light up – go to that and start shifting.

      Mel xo

  7. Hello! I am transitioning from an abusive 20 year relationship and have begun to thrive in my life and connect with my authentic self. It is beautiful! I have much more work to do and one of the things that always gets me stuck is that I’m always questioning the difference between a narcissist and a borderline and a codependent. He of course has tried to convince me that I was all three and he was none, he thinks he is maybe just a bit codependent! ( I see tons of borderline traits in him and some narcissistic and codependent traits) The thrived tv episode I watched tonight helped with the narcissist vs codependent. Thank you! I have been really bullied into believing I was the one with narcissistic and borderline tendencies when I saw all the traits in him! Do you have any info or advice or somewhere I can look that clearly explains the differences and clearly lays out the processes and patterns between borderline and codependent and the differences between narcissist and borderline? It would help me heal so much and to release my own guilt. I tried to read a book about borderline and saw some traits in myself especially about being able to open up to him then shut down completely, very black and white in my reactions to him, I was able to make him all bad or all good. Recognizing Such unhealthy patterns in myself made me panic and start to question if it was my fault, if he was right. But my rational adult self knows I’ve been the one completely dedicated to my inner work for the last ten years while he has done nothing! Anyway, thank you for what you do, it has been incredibly supportive through my healing! I would love some clarification on borderline vs narcissism. Thank you.

    1. Hi Leigha,

      I am so happy for you that you are doing so well 🙂 In regard to the relationship you are transitioning from – I am assuming that you are speaking about the person who is telling you that you are “this” or “that”.

      Leigha, when we are totally dedicated to our healing it is about no more having to prove ourselves, convince or change anything about what other people think of us. It’s so much healthier for us to drop that, do No Contact (or Modified if a necessity for children) and simply heal our inner traumas.

      My take on it is we ALL have traits of the 3 … simply because we all have traumas we need to heal to not have those traits, and when triggered we are capable of acting out in unhealthy ways, sometimes clinging and controlling and sometimes nasty and controlling. (By “controlling” I mean trying to get our needs met through another instead of being partnered wwith self) … It all comes from young unhealed traumas.

      Please know that your salvation is not about finding the information, it is about healing, and letting go of your shame connected to your wounds as well.

      This person and yourself both require stopping focusing on the other. He may not choose to heal himself, but you can and will if you want to truly Thrive.

      Mel xo

  8. Thank you for the work you are doing Melanie. Your words get to the core of the matter, better than any I’ve ever heard before. Reading your blog and watching your videos has helped me SO much, it’s hard to put it into words…you rescued my soul.

  9. Is your program available on Cd’s as with the downloads I have in the past had my Comptor crash and I am afraid that I would then lose all the information

  10. Hi,

    Can I buy just the module that is specific to me and my trigger issues or do I need to go through all the modules?

  11. Hi Mel.
    Thank you so much for your talks.
    I would like to experience your free 16 course and a book on narcistic abuse. But seem unable to get it. Can you tell me how to apply it download it please? Eventually I think I will do your Narp programme but id like to try this one first. Can you help please?

  12. Hi Melanie

    I have been reading all of your articles and watching your videos. They are all so helpful and I am not alone. I already do a lot of what you talk about how to survive with a Narcissist. I had to learn some of these things on my own, I know now that there is help out there. I am going through a contested divorce. My husband is a Narcissist. Been married for 30 years and he suddenly wanted a divorce. He gave me the silent treatment and I had to give him a time frame to talk to me and work this out to figure out what was the problem. Well to make this a short story. My story is a little different. I have learned something along the way on my own. He wanted it all, he didn’t care about our adult children, or how I felt. We brought a house together shortly after our first child. We lived in this house for almost 28 years and as you already aware it was almost paid off. He wanted half the house, half my money, half of my retirement. He felt he was entitled to it all. He wasn’t even trying to work at the marriage. He has manage to turn one of our children against me. He left me, he resides with his family. He took all of his belonging, and came back with a rented u haul and removed the rest of his belonging. He doesn’t help me with any of the bills he felt like why should I pay for something I know longer live in. I filed for divorce shortly after. It’s been almost two year into this contested divorce. I do no contact that’s what helps me. He has dragged this divorce out to the point of us heading to trial. All because I won’t give him half of my retirement. He has manage to live like a rock star and has done a whole lot of other stuff to me along the way. Getting this divorce has cost me more than want I bargain for. Trying to stay above it all, just to get a divorce and move on. How to survive that. I pay for all of the household bills and everything that comes with it.

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