Comments on: Changing Your Emotions Before Waiting For Outcomes

By: atera

atera — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 05:25:37 +0000

You were Born to do this Mel.
Your words of wisdom, your trusting voice and your determination ti get all of us onbto the other side, you are a true Samurai!!!!

Your own conviction of healing yourself from the NARC encounter has given us all hope and light.

Atera

By: Jan

Jan — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 15:23:36 +0000

Sorry, the comment should have said, he said lets see who pities who now. Not petes. Sorry, I was typing in upset.

By: Jan

Jan — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 15:17:52 +0000

me to the extreme, only later, during my attempts to discuss our problems and his previous rages and behaviour, for him to again repeat the same behaviour again, unable or unwilling to discuss these serious incidences. He used to admit crying that he knew his behaviour and reactions were not normal, and repeatedly say sorry, he didnt understand it and how much he loved me, couldn’t and didn’t want to live without me, and then completely demonise and blame me for making him do these things, for not accepting him the way he was and for constantly critisising him. Anyway none of this really matters now. I have to and want to take responsibility for my my healing and own life. My husbands behaviour during every attempt to discuss the previous episode and our problems, including begging me, pleading for my love, forgiveness and for me not to end the marriage, butting the walls,
Stabbing himself in the stomach in front of me while begging for my help and crying, and saying he hated me, and then attempting suicide out in his van. The rages and self harming and verbal abuse was becoming more regular and more damaging to us both the more determined I was to either fix or end the marriage. He ended up following the last and most serious suicide attempt, in a mental health ward of a hospital, at which time, after sharing everything 24years,he withdrew all consent for me to know anything about his diagnosis, care and treatment, and told me I didn’t deserve to know, I only wanted to be a back seat psychiatrist and be right by saying and demanding he seek help from one in order that we could stay together. I told him I couldn’t cope anymore and that I didn’t love and respect him anymore because of his behaviour, it was shamefully said in desperation for him to tell the whole story/truth this time to the mental health doctors, so s that he could get the proper help he needed to either accept the marriage wasn’t healthy ant to accept its over r to be in a place to help work at it with me to put it right. What a fool I have been! He came out of hospital after 3weeks and told me to split our finances 50 50 equal share, selling the house later, and that he was giving me what I want and moving out into a new flat. He was heavily medicated and raged verbally abusing me and uncontrollably hating me and blaming me for everything, screaming I rejected him, and he had serious issues with attachment and I’m no good for him etc etc. he told me lets cpsee who petes who now. I am 45, no children and was so confused at the human being/monster staying in front of me that day. He had come to collect all his belongings from the house, and told me he wanted to be dead because of me for so long that he was going to spend every penny of his money, and nt work in running his own business anymore. This has proved true. He told me he would find someone who wasn’t critical, crazy, controllong, and who loves him for who he is. He was like a mad man despite near 4weeks of inpatient treatment. He said he didn’t want to hurt me or cause me pain, but he was having the last laugh at me for being so sad. He said he couldn’t be trusted and couldn’t control himself when near me or hearing my voice and then wished I was dead, amongst every other vile thing you can think of. I had never seen him so strong and sure of hiimself (where the ending of our relationship was concerned). He told me I was pretty petite and funny but that I wasn’t for him and for me to forget everything we ever had and everything he ever said, because he was moving on. Having been very private people and him rarely using a computer, 4months later, I have discovered that he joined Facebook when he was in hospital, met a woman 13years his junior in there&the day he came to collect his belongings from the house, she befriended him, and now he has posted all ONLY HER messages of how much she loves him and thanks him for the lovely holidays abroad, together with pictures of the 2 of them together. Initially upon seeing them, I felt shocked, but something deep within me actually wasn’t. I don’t know what was real anymore, but I have accepted I will never have any answers or closure. I am very alone, and devastated. In one way I am relieved to be free of him, but it doesn’t make the pain any easier. We travelled the world together, shared everything and I wasn’t subject to abuse everyday or every week , lies or cheating. On the face of it our life looked perfect, but if I am honest, although he appeared the perfect attentive husband and was kind caring loyal generous protective etc and done everything to please me, I was unfulfilled and knew what he was doing for me and who he was being was too good to be true and still I felt something wasn’t quite right. We couldn’t have a healthy disagreement without all this vile repressed verbal coming from him or if not that, he attacked himself, but I am determined to get through this. I am grateful I have found your site and your excellent work. I am very sorry for having done the unintended here and the very thing I said at the outset I wouldn’t do: going into detail and telling my story. I know it is what is in the present which is important, and having developed a chronic medical condition during these past 8years, I know what I have to do to heal and move on. The real reason I am commenting here, was to ask if it is possible to purchase, receive and use the programme, if I do not have access to a computer t home. I am at present in the uk at my mums house, using her iPad. Please could you advise me if it’s possible to physically read the books, but more importantly, if it’s possible to have the cd’s. I am also at present a bit of a dinosaur where mod tech is concerned. Although I shall change that in the near future. Thank you all so much for sharing! Sorry for offloading here. It really wasn’t intended.

By: Jan

Jan — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 13:58:30 +0000

Oops! Sorry, my comment was posted, and being a dinosaur re modern technology and computers, I was unable to recall my comment to edit it and continue. What I was meaning to say, was that I am desperately trying to stop ruminating, annalysing everything what was, is, and what he said, done etc. I knew something was seriously wrong and very destructive in our extremely close and intense relationship, but I never suspected him having a personality disorder. I didn’t experience any of the lies or infidelity. I did however, experience lots of other extreme behaviour. The more desperate and determined I became to either fix or end our marriage, and forcing us to have time apart, in oder for him to get the real help he needed, and for me to contine working on my own issues, the situation and behaviour/his reactions became even worse, instead of better. He completely idealized

By: Jan

Jan — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 13:46:34 +0000

Hi, Mel and everybody here. I have only just learned about you and the wonderful work which you do. This is all new to me and have never left messages online until now. I have only recently, following the end of a 24 year relationship with my husband, considered/discovered, that what I have been dealing with and repeatedly, desperately trying to fix, was a man who has Bpd, and certainly some narc traits. I don’t want to and won’t go into my story. It is too long, too complex and puzzling, and I am desperately trying to stop ruminating, annalyzing

By: Jackie Goldstein

Jackie Goldstein — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 16:28:34 +0000

Is that a fake it ’til you make it approach? I try that, but sometimes pain itself is overwhelming — all the sources of pain that you talk about (and I’ve experienced), as well as the pain that is being experienced by friends and, e.g., the families in Connecticut. To NOT acknowledge that pain, to “fake it” (pretend that everything is fine) even carries with it a pain of it’s own. I am engaging in life, etc., trying to get beyond the pain to outcomes. To some degree I’m able to step over my own pain, but I do NOT seem to be stepping into happiness. My ability to laugh, to GENUINELY laugh seems to be gone. After 18 years with a man who brought me so much unnecessary emotional pain BUT so many opportunities to laugh and enjoy life, I am constantly blind-sided by memories of the love that I THOUGHT existed between us. I could go on, but I won’t. I’m sorry, but this morning, I simply must have a good (if there is such a thing) cry and then get my Christmas shopping done. This comment is, in large part, a confession, because I know that the thoughts and the tears are NOT consistent with your wise advice, nor with my desire for myself. But, sometimes, I just can’t hold on to what I know to be the “answer” to my pain.

By: Penelope

Penelope — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 06:10:18 +0000

I have been reading everything on your site in the last couple of weeks. I love what you wrote and wanted to share what is happening in my own life. I made the decision to change my emotions and take personal responsibility a couple weeks ago. I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter with my ex-boyfriend. For almost 3 years, I spent PINING for someone who treated me horrifically.

I started digging deep. Why would I want someone who slept with other women and laughed when he gave me something? I had a huge list which I learned to do from one of your articles.

I started detaching in the last 2 weeks and I noticed a change in myself. I started accepting myself as a single mommy. When hes called this week, I don’t care to speak with him anymore. He actually bores me now or maybe he always did but I was so fixated on what I was NOT getting from him. Now I know it was always from myself. I still have a ways to go but thank you for what you do! I’m looking at your program as well.

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 03:06:20 +0000

In reply to Amy.

Hi Amy,

you are very welcome.

Yes it is very normal to stall at recovery even though NC has been upheld.

How we change our emotions is to work on our subconscious (our emotional factory) in a way that directly ‘speaks’ to our unconscious self.

It is the deep inner work that actually does shift and create healing at this level. It works at a level which works much more directly than ‘logic’ and ‘intellect’.

Yes – you are so right you can’t reason yourself out of emotional pain. You need to go directly to it with processes that access it in order to transform it.

The NARP Program is these processes – and until you work with these processes it is hard to understand the difference – and how they are worlds apart.

When you do start working these processes you realise how incredibly more powerful they are – and you wonder how you did try to create change with simply ‘reasoning’, and you totally ‘get’ why it wasn’t working.

I hope this helps!

Mel xo

By: Amy

Amy — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 06:33:26 +0000

Hi Melanie,

Thanks so much for the article. I fully understand why you felt shock at readers’ reponse to your previous entry.

I myself and have read numerous stories when we seem to stall at recovery long after following strict NC. The pain just persists.

I have a question regarding this entry. Howto change your emotion? I understand emotions must be expressed and released they cant be changed. One can tell oneself you need to feel empowered and good but the negative feelings are just there.

Also, one cant reason oneself out of pain, right?so how to change emotions without ouside factors?

Thanks
Amy.