Comments on: Do You Command or Demand?

By: arline

arline — Sun, 09 Aug 2015 03:44:17 +0000

Hi Mel, How can I connect with you privately? I rally REALLY need some support with the NARP work. I am feeling frustrated, because I don’t know if I am doing it right. I can’t get a clear age EVER, I feel so angry and raw.

Arline

By: Melanie

Melanie — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 04:14:26 +0000

Gorgeous Jac! This is exactly the way to go! Beautiful stuff……xx

By: Jc

Jc — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 10:31:19 +0000

Ooops! My ‘typos’ are terrible! Trying to type from an iPhone 🙂 Hope it makes sense.
I will add one more thing when we are ‘strained’ and ‘annoyed’ whatever the feeling is at the time, it does create negative ‘actions’ which mum was sensing as when I got home from my mountain walk- it has disolved and I got home with mum’s spirit picking up considerably! She would have sensed the negative energy coming from me earlier. We had a laugh and I felt happy to see her happy. I didn’t even notice the tabacco smell as much as my focus was off it.
Having people we love with us is a gift and mum and I share something not a lot of people can with their parents. Shifting our thoughts, therefore our feelings do change. I felt so sorry for thinking like I was earlier and if I had of kept it up, it may have pushed our relationship apart. That is something Narcs do, which I am definately not! XJac

By: Jc

Jc — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 10:13:58 +0000

Thanks again Mel and I have already tiday let ho of negative feelings, resentments and the like as mum is really such an amazing person with me always her main concern. The fact she goes outside to smoke shiws me she really is trying. I think what us happening to me at the moment is it has been so soon after horrific abuse and I have been projecting some if that hurt and anger onto my mother, even if I don’t abuse her or cause her any stress, i think it and feel anger which is not me ar all. There us ‘fear’ there too in that I want her to be well. So detached I am and it does feel better. I care but I can focus on getting better now, for me. We cant help people if we can’t help ourselves first. Jac x

By: Melanie

Melanie — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 05:03:34 +0000

Hi Jac, lovely….definetely try that!!! And ultimately if you can’t detach, then it may be time to say “I can’t live with you and cigarettes” if you truly can’t and then you would have to split and move on from living together, because then you could create a smoke free environment more to your liking…..but see if you can detach, and let go as much as you can the resentment….yes focus on the love and her finding her way….remember ‘resentment’ only attract ‘more of that’, and the aim if you live together or not is to be resentment free xx

By: jac

jac — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 02:17:22 +0000

Thanks Mel, Even though I leave her alone, I share a house where my space is in the same rooms as her space. My work area is our art studio together and I am exposed to it all day if home. Mum complains about her health, but won’t do anything to help herself, so I hear her complaining all the time, even justifying going out for a smoke. I gave up getting involved with her addiction a long time ago, ‘physically’ in her space or ‘demanding’ but in my mind I understand I am still ‘involved’ and it has consumed me as I feel anxious and even resent her for polluting my environment, not to mention harming herself. It is now time to work harder and let go, step out of her zone as far as ‘thinking’ too much about it goes and even though I don’t like doing this, as it is not right, I have to ‘put up with’ the toxins I am breathing in every day and hope that my ‘positive’ energy ‘feeling’ the love, will help her. Thanks again and time to go out now and ‘breath fresh mountain air’! 🙂

By: Melanie

Melanie — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 01:21:59 +0000

HI Jacqui,

That’s great that you’re feeling better!

Yes a difficult one indeed….re your Mum

Truly Jacqui, we don’t have any power over other people. And the fact is it is your Mum’s addiction and her house, and therefore you can choose to distance yourself from her smoking or become more accepting of it….

Also when we take the judgement off the people we love, and start seeing them as finding their way to their healing they start doing so. If we challenge them and create resistance around their addiction we only force them into the addiction harder – truly.

I learnt this valuable lesson with my son when I was trying to control and stop his addictions, for my sanity, wellbeing and of course for his – it only made matters worse.

When I created boundaries – separated from his addictions, and no longer allowed them in my living space at my home, and starting sending him love and believing in him, and ‘seeing’ and ‘feeling’ him become healthy – that is exactly what started to take place.

He is now addiction free..

Jacqui, we actually have to let go and do the exact opposite of what we think will work. The more you are focused on ‘I don’t like it’ – the more you are energetically saying ‘yes’ to it.This is demanding, not commanding which is ‘COME AND come up into my positive energy with me, if you choose to’

Hope this helps! Mel x

By: Jc

Jc — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 12:09:56 +0000

Hi Melanie,

I hope you read this but I may be too late for you to reply but here goes;
Have left my N relationship 4 months ago, feeling better and starting to really work on myself feeling better.
I moved in with my mum who helped me so much, we have always been close and now we share so much. My concern is this; mum is a smoker and I have tried to be assertive with her, take command in talking to her nicely about the negative effects her habit is having on me. She smokes outside but enters the house too soon after butting out the cig, so brings in the trail of smoke wirh her. It stinks! and worst of all, my sinuses and as I’m a cronic asthmatic from childhood flares it up too. Every time I have tried talking, it is like talking to a high end Narc in that no matter how I approach it she attacks me, gets defensive and it keeps happening. I am so sad as trying to find myself and my truth about my needs but no approach seems to be working. Mum is also an asthmatic which I find ridiculous that she would smoke at all! I know it’s her stuff but how can I step out of her stuff, knowing it is having a direct effect on my health? God knows I am trying to do so much work for myself and feel like it is a never ending cycle if abuse. Smoking is abusive to others, i do believe that. She is a wonderful person, not narcissistic but this is really testing me again. What can I do? JC

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 07:45:33 +0000

Monika and Lill you are more than welcome! xx