Its just wether or not BOTH parties think its worth the relatively minimal effort. And if one party doesn’t well then I think there are other issues aside from the differing attachment styles at play.

Not knowing about attachment styles at that time I asked her if there is something wrong or something I did/say that she behaves so differently, but she said she does not see that her behaviour changed and did not want to talk about it further. So we spent the rest of our vacation in stony silence. When we came back I broke it off with her, telling her I cannot be in a relationship with a person that refuses to communicate at all. That took her by surprise, but she only kept saying she does not know what to say. Next day I sent her a letter saying that I still love her but need to be able to communicate with her and I am sorry if I hurt her feelings by pulling away and was willing to work on our relationship. She sent me an e-mail telling me she wants to be alone and concentrate on her career. She offered me her friendship which I declined.

Tried few times to restart the relationship by meeting with her, but it is a lost cause. While obsessing over her I realised one fundamental issue – I was willing to change myself, willing to hide my emotions, willing to hide my love for her, willing to jump through her dismissive avoidant hoops just so I can be with her. Most of you are contemplating doing the same thing in order to be with the other person. I am not sure it is very healthy for you and it certainly was not very healthy for me – constantly walking on eggshells looking not to trigger avoidant’s turning off while trying to woo her back into relationship.

After few meetings/dinners I told her I cannot ever be her friend only – it would be a charade – and I walked away. It is not easy by any means – in fact it is very painful. What helps is reading about avoidant’s expectations of a “healthy” relationship and telling myself that I would have to abandon my feelings just to be with that one person. I think we should all be proud that we feel emotions, love, care, vulnerability and tenderness when we are with that special person. It is what makes us human. I feel sorry for my ex gf, but she does not want to work on her fears, she dismisses all the suggestions thinking her issues are external and has no desire to change. We as partners of avoidants are searching the internet, trying to educate ourselves, trying to see if we can change ourselves to fit the other person’s very peculiar requirements. They are just sitting back, waiting.

I would say you have a choice – either confront them and if they are unwilling to work with you on their issues then walk away and be in pain for 6 months or a year. Or stay, conform and be in pain and unhappy state for the rest of your time together. Yes, there will be breadcrumbs, but is this the best you can do with your life?

Hi Misty Dawn,

The real truth is we can only decide and align with what is true for us, and then free people to choose what is the truth for them.

It is never abandoning or forcing someone to change when we say ‘I am living the life that is my truth’.

It is loving us and them enough to end the pain.

This recent video of mine may help.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1SwPONICu6I

Mel 🙏💕❤️

Hi Kristy! I’m curious if there’s any update?

I’m in about the same situation you were at the time of your last post. Now we’re in this kind of relationship limbo. Not quite together, not quite apart.

Is there any hope of the avoidant waking up to wanting to grow on their own? Is there any type of gentle nudging that you found that helped? Did you ultimately give up? Your situation sounds sooo much like mine.

I’m 7 years in and 3rd time around with my partner. I don’t want to give up on him, but I don’t know if I can carry the burden of my own emotional desires for connectedness in my relationship alone for much longer.

I know I have to let him come to it on his own, but what about me? The last thing in the world I want to do is abandon him and add to the trauma, but how do I get my emotional needs met in the meantime? I mean, is there some sociologically accepted amount of time to wait before giving up on someone whom you love and swore you’d never give up on?

The challenge isn’t in learning how to cope with love addiction. The challenge is being willing to break a commitment to someone who you know really wants you to stay, and who really is the person you love underneath all the avoidant behaviors, but has not found the strength to face their traumas and heal their attachment triggers. I am putting in the work, but how do I know if it’s too late for this relationship. There’s such a fine line between being selfish and self supportive. Is it selfish of me to walk away for good when that’s not even what I [think] I want?

I’ve always had a rather high anxious attachment style. I like check ins, I need validation and I need to have my partner tell me I’m okay as I’m not capable of doing that on my own (yet). I don’t know why I’m anxious because I grew up with having love addict parents. Both are love addicts and I guess that’s why I’m one as well. I was never abandoned or felt unloved in my family. I actually felt an abundance of love and had a good childhood. However, I’m assuming my parents are needy on each other and I suppose that is where I learned my ideas of love and why I’m needy as well.

I always attract love avoidants. I’m always chasing love. Interestingly enough (as you stated) I can’t stand anxious style men! If a man pours out his heart 24/7 and needs my constant attention, I bail on them. I have yet to meet a secure man.

I’m currently working on myself and utilizing your steps mentioned in this article to get control of my attachment anxieties. What’s actually helping is dating someone that is long distance. You would think it would be hell but it has forced me to control obsessive thoughts. Granted, I have my bad times here and there wondering what he’s up to but I get myself out of that funk by turning my focus back on me again. He appears to be fearful avoidant though with diagnosed PTSD which is difficult to deal with on its own!

Hey Andy,
Just got back on this site. How did things work out for you? See my update on my reply to Jenn below.
Respectfully,
Kristy

Hey Jen,
Just was reading this sight again. We did get back together…twice…and are right now. Both, after he was gone on “two month sabbaticals”. First time, he said he missed me and loved me and didn’t want to be alone, that he didn’t know but would try to see if he could give me more time, and he did for a little while, and naively I thought it would work without help. It lasted six months. Then, he suddenly pulled away when things were getting closer (I felt like death of his Godfather might have triggered it. He later told me it was something I did he never let on at all bothered him but apparently triggered trust issues), and I finally pointed out the elephant in the room and quoted Hal Shorey on Psychology Today’s website Fearful Avoidant article, and said that the only way relationships will get easier for him is to work through the fear and anxiety they bring him caused from past childhood traumas and pain. I told him I loved him but going to get on with my life cause it was too painful to watch him stay stuck in fear and being alone. That independence was good but he needed love like everyone else. He came back on his own both times. Now, I’m starting to feel like they miss you when you’re not there, but like a committment phobe, they like the energy high they get from the chase (it medicates their anxiety and feelings of low self worth from what I’ve read), but once they “have you”, quit giving the relationship energy and go back to putting all their energy into other things outside of it.
This time he came back, he told me he was getting help for his “commitment issues” and drove me by his therapist’s office. I told him I thought it took a really strong man to get help and that if he was choosing love, not fear, then I would try again. I try not to pressure him and ask too much, but don’t really see that it’s helping. I personally don’t think she is qualified to handle this but am trying not to interfere. Honestly, I’m getting depressed cause I just don’t see this r/s going any where. I also don’t know if I could trust him to stay, if he found another partner he started to idolize as perfect, like he used to me, and wanted to chase. He is very charming. Also, I thought she would have goals for him each week. We’re still stuck at once a week date nights, I can tell he is starting to get anxious now that the Chase part is over, and the realness is coming back. I just saw where he was flirting with an old friend on Facebook(first time I’ve seen this, but feel like somehow this is his drug to medicate anxiety of our “real” r/s) and commenting on her pics (is he always going to need validation from others when I give him a lot? Not sure how I’m going to confront him on this yet cause I’ll have to tell him I was reading his Facebook page), He is always playing golf or hanging with the guys. Keeps his time very busy. It hurts that he loves me, but our r/s makes him nervous and I don’t want him to feel nervous, so I dont pressure him, I let him call the shots, but honestly, I’m tired and lonely. It’s very painful to love someone and realize that it just might be too hard on them to change and that you are the cause of their anxiety( actually, he has anxiety when we’re broken up, too, but intimacy makes him feel it, too. I think it’s his feelings of shame and not liking his self that are, but he doesn’t know that), So I’ve been working on me, trying to practice love with detachment (Buddhism technique), living from heart chakra in unconditional love, but don’t know what outcome will be just yet. He will either work through the fear or run. I will either get stronger (not there yet but trying) and leave or set better boundaries and from a place of love call him out on his fear behaviors. Will keep you posted.
All the best!! Kristy