Comments on: Getting Love Right – Empathetic Listening

By: Debbie

Debbie — Tue, 02 Jul 2013 22:55:08 +0000

Hi Mel,
Thank you so much! I am trying to make sense as to why my husband very rarely listens and speaks me. Whenever I talk to him he is often preoccupied or distracted with something else. He doesn’t ask questions or show any interest in what I am saying but instead he becomes impatient and put-upon. When I express how this makes me feel, he makes statements such as “You’ve told me what happened there’s no need to go on and on about it” or “I heard you the first time”. Or he will tell me he talks to people all day and now just wants some peace and quiet. Another is he simply walks away into another room or outside while I’m still talking to him!
But, what I am confused about is, to others he is compassionate and shows genuine interest in what they have to say.
Do you truly believe this is someone who has an emotional intelligence disorder?
For a long time my self esteem was rock bottom. I am slowly returning to my true self with support from you and friends. I know I also have a long way to go especially with my healing. I believe I am growing into a better person from learning of my past experiences.
Thanks so much Mel x

By: Kelly

Kelly — Sun, 20 May 2012 12:33:02 +0000

Hi Mel,
thanks for your response, he has acknowledged (as of last week) that there is a memory issue & has made an appointment with specialist which is promising.
However in his mind there has only been an issue for a week not for two months as back then he couldn’t see any issue, so know he doesn’t know why I keep talking about it when its in the past!
I know I have to put it in the past to create a future with him.(but if it is a disorder then it will be ongoing)
Through our discussions, I am beginning to realise how disconnected he is with his emotions, which he acknowledges he doesn’t ‘feel’ emotions/feelings, which I guess would make it hard for him to empathise with my feelings.
I guess time is going to tell how our relationship goes. Can empathetic listening work if its one sided?
Thanks again for all your fabulous information & programs xox

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Fri, 18 May 2012 02:50:28 +0000

Hi Kelly,

it is really hard to say as I don’t really have a great deal of expereince with memory disorder. Does he acknowledge that he does have a problem with this. Because if he could acknowledge that then there may be an ability to say to hin ‘I think this is the memory disorder issue’ and he may be able to ‘own’ that as well at these times, and then you would be able to supportive and empathetic to this issue. And he would also be able to be supportive to your understandable anxiety at these times. Really – if that is what it is – I beleive that this is what needs to take place.

Good luck Mel xo

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Fri, 18 May 2012 02:47:01 +0000

Hi Val,

what a gorgeous post, thank you so much for being such an avid and inspirational sharer with your blog posts! I am sure many other people would agree too! Fabbo that you have ordered the book xoxox

By: Kelly

Kelly — Wed, 16 May 2012 03:24:10 +0000

Hi Melanie, Perfect timing for this program! I need to ask some advice…
I have recently moved in with my boyfriend and over the past two months we have had the same issue come up three or four times.
Which is he has a memory issue so when I would talk to him he would often have forgotten or misinterpreted what I had said by later in the day or within the next few days – this lead me to with draw as I have tried to communicate to him verbally and by writing to him.
If I did try to talk to him he wouldn’t engage back in conversation with me. If I ask him how his day was he will say one word – good or busy… but he will never return the question and ask how my day is.
Last week he said he couldn’t stand me not talking to him & giving him the cold shoulder as such & he wanted to know what was wrong – which again I have tried to explain clearly & he says he understands…
But he doesn’t remember that we have already tried discussing the issue.
I spoke to the mother of his older son the other day & she said the son they share has an audio memory disorder, which she believes my partner may also have – I looked up the symptoms & they fit, I spoke to him about his son having the disorder(which he doesn’t remember his ex telling him about).
I am already feeling defeated with high anxiety levels, so I don’t know how much I can or should give in trying to work through this especially if he won’t try or minimizes my concerns. He is a ‘nice guy’ just very very passive.
Does his behavior sound Narcissistic or could it just be due to his memory disorder which he was not aware of until a few days ago?
Thank you again for your wonderful program

By: Val

Val — Mon, 14 May 2012 14:11:52 +0000

It’s getting late and I’m getting sleepy…
the book I purchased is Crucial Conversations
i have suggested to my sister to get it also- it will be fun to work through it together…

By: Val

Val — Mon, 14 May 2012 14:04:07 +0000

Hi Mel,
Loved this program and the previous one about enhanced communication.
We all know how it feels to be misunderstood;
and when we go into our fear responses it is all fast downhill from there.So easy to go into those responses in close relationships; particularly after years of attempting to communicate with and understand people with NPD.
So I think it is great to work on these skills.When I recall times when I have felt deeply heard, listened to and understood Irecall the overwhelming warmth,comfort and peace of that.
When I have hoped to be that listener for someone else I know it is often a very moving experience; to be able to share that person’s reality and inner world.
Listening with the heart I think you said.
Empathetic listening is truly a gift of the heart- and exchange of treasure!
Not limited to our own species of course; we acan expand our hearts and our joy by listening to other beings who share our world; all our animal companions who so love to be heard and understood too.
I hope we have some more shows like this; great skills and training for living our best lives and sharing these gifts oflistening and being present with other beings.
Thanks Melxxx PS I have purchased the Crucial Communications book on Amazon
$10 and 1 click !!