[breadcrumb]

 

I get asked this all the time … and I really want to do quite a few episodes on this topic for Thriver TV, because I am totally passionate about helping heal our children and our future generations.

I know that many of you in this Community are dealing with all sorts of fear and pain regarding your children – such as co-parenting with a narcissist, and / or seeing the effects on your sons and daughters after you being involved with a narcissist – whether the narcissist was their parent or not.

And as parents, we would do anything for our children, we would even lay down our lives for them. But maybe we haven’t realised that the ways we have been lecturing and prescribing whilst distressed and triggered has not been helping them at all.

In fact, as a result of watching this episode, you will discover how it has actually been making matters worse.

The great new is this …  we CAN all be a part of a transformational shift, creating a different way of helping our children, so that they can grow up with healthy Inner Identities, not having the fractures and traumas that we did.

We CAN empower them to generate a wonderful, healthy life even if one of their parents is a narcissist.

That is what today’s Thriver TV show is all about, and it is one dear to my heart, because within it I share about the journey I had with my own son Zac, and how … ultimately … I was able to help him, against all odds, and when NOTHING else I was trying to save him did.

If you are a parent suffering the trauma of narcissistic abuse and you fear for your children, then I can’t recommend this Thriver TV episode enough, because I know it hands you The Key – the essential foundation – to help our children for real.

This movement of changing the way we parent and ultimately protect and empower our children is such an important mission for humankind today and for our future generations.

If you know anyone who would benefit from this Thriver TV episode I would love it if you could share it with them.

And as always if you have any comments you would like to share with this Community, or if you have any questions you would like to ask me specifically, please post them in the comments section below.

 

[mc4wp_form id="7704"]

Related blog post

The 5 Painful Childhood Patterns That Make You Prone To Narcissists

Read More

The Narcissistic Broken Home – Is It Really “Broken”?

Read More

Commments (73) + Leave a comments

73 thoughts on “How To Co-Parent With A Narcissist – The Foundation

  1. A huge trigger question is “what if my child becomes like the narcissist.” And I think in here we are starting to see the answer that if we generate our own love and source of well being and shift out those fears of judgement for poor parenting we are going to also become our child’s goal for how they want to live.

    1. Me too , have the same fear feel like my daughter is becoming a narc too!
      I’ve actually started NARP! Hopefully things will fall into place!!

    2. Hi Sabrina,

      yes that is the answer, as well as honouring ourselves and having healthy boundaries with our children is also key – so that we don’t enable bad behaviour from a position of guilt, over-compensation or fear.

      I will be doing a Thriver TV episode very soon about this exact topic.

      Mel xo

      1. I have found this to be true in my Narp journey. When I dug deeper, I discovered fears that if my son has NPD, then I was not a good mom, and he would turn out to potentially be my next abuser. I was very attached to the outcome of his up bringing because it would either confirm my worst fears or validate me. When I let go of those triggers and wounds, then I was able to let go of his outcome, and that has opened up a lot of space for me to actually see him for who he is as his own 12 yr old person. Before healing wounds on this, I only saw parts of his dad and myself mirrored in him, I didn’t actually see him and now I do.

      2. Mel
        Have you done a episode on divorcing a narcissist when you have an adult daughter or son and how the narcissist uses and manipulates them to make you look like you are at fault?
        I have a beautiful 23 year old daughter and he is using her to further hurt me.

        Donna

    1. Hi Nicoleta,

      NARP helps with any trauma – literally.

      All of them can be targeted, released and replaced.

      The NARP journey is about every area of our Life, not just recovery from N’s.

      Mel xo

      1. Melanie
        Now that I have learned about narcissism I believe my ex husband was. I recognized during the marriage and after we divorced that I needed to heal during and afterwards, to show by example to my son and daughter that they will be okay, they can thrive, and still love their dad. They did. They grew to be wonderful human beings with empathy and love and a sense of community. I wouldn’t allow them to be pawns by their dad or let his triggers affect me anymore – so my children and I survived.

        Sadly though, have now learned/observed that my son’s wife is a narcissist.She removed her mask after their son was six months old. My son works in the mental health industry and teaches family studies…and yet does not see any of what is happening. While he was coming on his own to family occasions, he has stopped since Thanksgiving, didn’t come at Christmas, doesn’t reply to texts or messages. We have not seen our grandson since he was 1 year old and he will be 3 years old in a month’s time. They just had a 2nd child – a girl – who we have not met. My son has moved, and has not given us the address. We are being alienated and he won’t communicate. He is 33 and has always been a wonderful, caring, loving son and person – and our family growing up was very close and extended families were close. This is not the person we have known for 33 years and we don’t know how to help him. I am also very concerned how she is treating the children – which I know have been born to serve her. It breaks my heart – all of it.

  2. The email from you a few hours ago, with the link to this video…. ‘coincidental timing’ for me is one way to put it. It’s kind of funny that, as I watched the video, I was dreading the point where you would mention the age of your son. Because I was convinced that this video was going to be aimed at parents of younger, possibly even MUCH younger, kids than my two (aged 16 and 21). In which case I was going to end up feeling even more traumatised than I was already feeling – I only came to realise that my husband is NPD about 8 months ago, but I have been having problems with both kids for a long long time, problems that I now recognise as having been purposely cultivated by my narcissist husband.

    I feel there’s still a glimmer of hope the for the youngest, but the oldest…. symptoms (especially passive-aggressiveness and disrespect of my boundaries) have been on display since she was 7 or 8 and I fear it’s too late for her, and that she may already be a narcissist. The thing is, in our family, it was I who was the scapegoat, I who got all the abuse and the revenge/consequences, etc. The children got worse though: because they were used as his best tools to get revenge on me with. That is not apparently the most common NPD family dynamic (or doesn’t appear to be), although I do know of a few people from Youtube and elsewhere who share this same dynamic. ‘Parental Alienation Syndrome’ is usually used to refer to a syndrome that occurs at time of divorce, where a narcissist parent turns the children against the other parent in order for the narcissist to get and keep custody. But this syndrome also can occur while parents are still together, as in my case (bit complicated to explain here, but maybe for discussing elsewhere, hopefully?).

    I am so happy that you will be doing further videos and discussion on this topic about our ‘fear and pain for our children’ because for me, anyway, this is THE most crucial issue of the here and now. I am, just as you described yourself being at that one point in time, totally and utterly traumatised right now, from fear and anxiety about my kids. My eyes were only opened in the past year to the things my husband had done and was still doing to their heads for ALL THOSE YEARS, (parentification, emotional incest, teaching them to disrespect my boundaries, and on and on – I had NO IDEA), and to how incredibly messed up as a human he is (long list I won’t go into!), so I really don’t care about him at all. It’s all about my kids now, and helping them.

    I am suffering from PTSD or C-PTSD right now, because of the stunner of a ‘consequence’ he gave me a few months ago, after I had discovered and then thwarted what he he was doing to my then-15 year old, who he hadn’t seen for some years and who he suddenly recognised as a great source of ‘supply’. That consequence he gave me has forced an unexpected complete change in the course of my life (actually, to put it more accurately, the consequence stopped me from the course I was expecting to take, leaving me in a state of…. shock and limbo and uncertainty about my future). I need help with that right now, as it’s an ‘existential’ issue. I want to join your program, I need to. I’ve known for a while that I have to change myself for the sake of my kids, but I can’t seem to pull myself out of this PTSD, I’ve never experienced anything like it, and I’ve been ‘paralysed’ for a couple of months.

    I didn’t want to be writing a long story here, but this is a big step I’m taking right now, even writing a ‘comment” here. This video of yours, arriving as it did at this crucial point for me, has given me enough of a push to seek help for the PTSD, so that I can get on with helping my kids.

    SO… I am in the Southern Hemisphere, and I’m asking here, of anyone who reads this, if they know of anyone that I can contact (someone hopefully with experience of narcissism and with helping VICTIMS of narcissists, but that’s not absolutely essential), preferably in the Southern Hemisphere, but otherwise anywhere in the world really, who I can phone or SKYPE? Even just one session would probably help. I have not been able to find a single specialist in this area anywhere where I am living right now, and I really just need to speak to someone who is halfway competent at having a discussion like this.

    Meantime, thank you Melanie, for this and all your other videos. I’ve been too ‘pre-occupied’ to open your other recent emails, and I’m just so glad I opened this one. Again I am so happy that you are going to be covering this particular issue, it’s sooooo important. Cheers!

      1. Hi Janey
        I live in Bedfordshire/ england and do emotional healing work. I am a Havening( look up havening.org) practitioner who now incorporates quantum energy laws. Email me on t,morley7@icloud .com if you would like to chat more.
        I am also out the other side of Melanie’s Thriver programme which has been an amazing journey. Enjoy the rest of your journey seeing the wonder of what all this is.

    1. Hi Janey,

      I am pleased you realise that there is hope no matter the age, and that there is healing that can work for you and your children.

      Truly Janey there are many people within the NARP Community who have suffered alienation from their children, and who have been able to turn around this issue immeasurably as a result of inner healing work with NARP.

      In the future I am going to do an episode on this – absolutely.

      Please know this is common in this Community and we have people in the NARP Community Forum working through this and being supported with this.

      I would highly suggest working with NARP, because not only do you have direct access to the original Quanta Freedom Healing Modules that absolutely work, you also have access 24/7 to Thrivers who can support, guide and coach you whenever you need help – specifically for what you are going through … with solutions that WORK.

      This is the only support system of its kind that we know about world-wide.

      Definitely supplement this with one-on-one work if you feel you wish to, but certainly don’t dismiss the power of the NARP collective healing container. It has helped people shift and heal what nothing else has. And I promise you when you start working with the QFH healings directly – like all of us who have – you are on your way for PTSD to being a thing of the past.

      I am so glad you did have the courage to write your comment – that is a powerful step to start healing.

      I hope my answer has helped you Janey – and please know the support and love and help of NARP is global.

      You are so welcome Jeny and I am so pleased you opened this email and reached out!

      Mel xo

  3. Hi Melanie,
    I’m going to be attending a joint mediation session with my ex-husband soon in regards to our 3 year old son. My ex is a covert narcissist and was emotionally but not physically abusive. He continues to trigger me, but not on the same level as he did as I’ve been working on this since the end of our relationship. I can’t decide if I should insist on seperate rooms for mediation – as this format is usually only reserved for domestic violence cases. I don’t think the intake counsellor or mediators would understand my need for the request. I just don’t want him to know if I become upset during the session as I’m sure this will feed his narcissism. Do I face my narcissist and show him that I’m unaffected by him, or insist on seperate rooms so he cannot see me if I do happen to become distressed/upset? Your thoughts on this would be very welcome and appreciated.
    Olivia

    1. Hi Olivia,

      If you have shifted yourself enough to be unaffected then you could choose the same room. If you feel that is not possible then honour you and go for separate rooms.

      The best results you will ever receive will be when you are the least triggered. Its about creating that.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you for your reply Melanie. I have opted for seperate rooms and I feel really good about that choice ?

  4. Hi Elizabeth,
    I understand perfectly what your question is about,
    I realised it myself and can see it growing in our three daughters, the N will be UNABLED to take power if we are relaying, working on and especially IN ourselves, if we hold onto our healthy naturally inner strength and growth, then he CANNOT reach you or the children.
    Be with YOU!
    Work on YOU!
    Trust yourself!!
    If you notice that he is taking power, than it shows you where you have to work on/in yourself.
    There is a fear in you and please work it out.
    As soon as you recognised and worked this fear out for you, you will be able to change your thoughts and behaviour and everything will change positively around you.
    It works like a mobile, if you move, every other part will move … you alone decide the way it moves.
    Joe Dispenza wrote in one of his books “What you think today, will be your life tomorrow!”
    It is what Melanie said: WE BECOME THE LIGHT AND LOVE which makes him powerless and even dissolves him, like vampires dissolves, when they get in touch with light!
    I made and make this experience every time and couldn’t believe it myself.
    Working on ME, learning and recognising that I can trust my inner believes and healthy visions relieved not only myself, it transmogrified and liberated our wonderful girls, too.
    As long as we work on ourself, holding onto our healthy and happy visions and shift away all this “crap” which we have back up(ed) in our subconscious, back to native nothingness, as Melanie is showing and teaching us intensively through her wonderful and finally liberating NARP Program, our children will automatically be “infected” and will find their own healthy way to break free, to love, self trust and wholeness!
    I made this wonderful and touching experience myself and grew and broke free even more, seeing their liberation, too ??
    Lot’s of LOVE, TRUST, SELFCONVIDENCE and ☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️ from here to ??you !!

  5. Thank you, Melanie. I so needed this today. Heal yourself first and watch (and marvel!) how you parent differently.

  6. This is al so brilliantly true and the last year working through your thriver programme has resulted in amazing breakthroughs in parenting my four kids. Seeing, hearing and derl their own

  7. This is al so brilliantly true and the last year working through your thriver programme has resulted in amazing breakthroughs in parenting my four kids. Seeing, hearing and feeling them so emotionally sound and clear in their own lives is the BEST feeling. It’s working Mel thank you thank you x

    1. Hi Tracey,

      I am so happy for you and your children and that you have been working with NARP to create this shift!

      The inner creates the outer always! Including our children …

      You are so welcome Tracey, and thank you for being a Thriver for yourself, our children and our world.

      Mel xo

  8. Thank you so much Melanie, and for sharing your story, it touched me so much – many resonances with myself and my 11yr old son. Healing myself first, over the last 2 years has been life-changing and beautiful via another course on Narcissism and has made me a much better and healthier mum x Specifically, now as my son grows, sees his father twice a month – I struggle with him seeing him at all :(…and hasn’t seen his grandmother (my mother) for most of his life, due to my own need for boundaries and health, I would love to connect with mothers experiencing similar and to continue healing/releasing my own trauma and guilt, anxiety, sadness, loneliness in order to continually grow and become a loving model for him ❤

    1. Hi RS,

      It’s my pleasure …

      That is fabulous that you have come this far.

      Please know sometimes (often actually) we may need a powerful subconscious tool to release deep traumas from within our Inner Being. Many of them – if they are deeply embedded simply cannot be shifted cognitively. Or may take years (even a lifetime) and incredible effort to process to completion.

      That is where NARP comes in – it fast-tracks all of that incredibly.

      I can’t suggest that enough for you to achieve what you seek.

      Mel xo

  9. Great video Melanie. I am that child who had the narcissistic parent (father) but I also had a mother who had no skills to be able to do this work. She remained codependent, depressed and suicidal until she died 7 years ago. My life would have been very different with one awake parent, but this was not my soul journey. I am that child that became the adult with CPTSD, chose not to be a parent because I knew instinctively that I did not want to continue the pattern. I think what I want to say is that the best part of this video is the acknowledgement that your children have their own path. I woke up in my own time and I sought the help for myself. I watched the video hoping for insight into the child’s experience of the N parent. I would love it if that could be a focus in this series. I’ve done NARP for 16 months now and it has changed everything. I chose No Contact with my father 3.5 years ago. I’m now 48. I know that your experience Melanie is of being married to an N and not having N parents, but would you be able to do a video about having an N parent? I’d love to know your thoughts . Huge blessings from the UK.

    1. Hi Vikki,

      I am so pleased you enjoyed it.

      That is wonderful that you are changing the patterns of that legacy and doing the deep inner work with NARP.

      Absolutely I will be doing an episode on having N parents Vikki.

      Much love and hugs back to you, keep up the great work and thank you or your post 🙂

      Mel xo

  10. Dear Melanie,

    I’ m a 41 year old ‘child’ of a narcissistic/codependent relationsship. My parents both are severely traumatized.
    I’m very interested in the consequences such a relationship has on the children. Health problems, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, minority complexes, not being able to set boundaries, insecurity, irritable bowel syndrome……..Is there a difference between abusing the wife or abusing the children? Can a narcissist be ‘normal’ with his children and only abuse his wife? I watched the abusive behavior and swallowed a lot of anger and fear, but did my Dad treat me in a similar way?
    (I just can’ t remember anything about my childhood). How can I have a good relationship to my Dad now? Me knowing so much about narcissistic abuse and he not even knowing the word exists…..

    Maybe other people are interested in those quesgions as well.
    Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Love,

    Simone

    1. Hi Simone,

      The truth is we can dig and dig for answers on these topics … and from a psychological standpoint there is tons of information / options / theories available.

      In my experience with trauma, we can cognitively assess it and “work it out” till the cows come homes … but still not have shifted it out of our inner being and therefore it is still affecting our relationship with ourselves and our outer life … regardless of our research and therapy.

      What I found, as so many NARPers have is this: that the hows and whats of the trauma were not the issue. What is causing the trauma to affect us is ITS energy … regardless of how and why it got there.

      Therefore, unconditionally, when we got to the trauma in our Inner Being, load it up and shift it out (regardless of “what” it is) we simply get well.

      And the truth is until we go into out inner being and meet it and get the answers of it, we often cognitively are only “guessing” what it really is. Also everyone’s perceptions and wounds are totally unique given their already existing DNA makeup, personal evolution journey and emotional approach / reasoning / feelings in life.

      There is no stock standard answer.

      To me “trauma is trauma” and once reached, loaded up and released (the QFH process) simply does not exist anymore. The conventional logical dissections were totally ineffective for my own personal recovery as well as so many other people I have met on this path – because no Inner Being “shift” was happening.

      I hope that helps simplify for you (in my humble option) what is the true solution to recovery from trauma.

      Mel xo

  11. does it occur to you that with all this stuff in the news recently about children increasingly having mental health issues that the answer is in fact that we shouldn’t co-parent at all? all these Judges insisting that children are better off with two parents and ordering contact with toxic parents and now all of a sudden we have a generation of children with mental health issues… my child won’t be seeing her narcissist father at all and I don’t care who tries to force me to allow it, it’s not happening, my child will grow up mentally balanced and healthy and with an awareness that she doesn’t have to accept people like that into her life!

  12. I join in the chorus of others who have shared in this fear of my kids being like their dad . I have resolved this for the most part, by accepting my kids as free agents of their own lives. I do not have control over their perception or relationship they have with their father. My relationship with them is what I have control over, so I focus on that. Their relationship with him is separate from me, and I hope they can find some good in him and in their exchanges, that helps them form some healthy perception of men. It has been damaged, for sure. But he was not ‘all bad’, just as I was not ‘all good’, that is for sure. Our split has been traumatic for my daughters on many levels, and his behaviour was disgusting. And then there was my reaction to him that they saw….hmmm. God willing, they will keep choosing the light over the darkness, and as I try to model that, and love them deeply, they will be nourished by my love and strengthened into beings that are whole. It is their choice to receive that. I heard the term ‘post traumatic growth’ – I like that, and stand for that for me and my beautiful daughters. We must trust, and give space to our kids, to work it out.

    It is humbling to accept ones’ own darkness, when you have been so traumatized yourself. I have come a long way in owning my own projections, the dark parts in me I projected and the projections from him, I accepted. I am committed to the work of turning my shit in to fertilizer and am deeply motivated not only for myself but especially out of my love for my kids. The ‘real’ in me, wants to connect with the ‘real’ in them. It is the only journey worth taking…the journey toward wholeness. With love, and gratitude, I bless you Mel, for your wonderful messages.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      I also love the term “post traumatic growth” and so believe in it. And I love that you stand for you and your daughters.
      You have expressed this journey to wholeness with such wisdom and grace Ruth.

      Thank you Ruth for your blessings and many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  13. Wow. This is my daughter who is 21. I am this story. My son too who is 16. I promise myself today, I am doing the work on the limiting beliefs I have in regards to my children. Today. I begin. I been doing Narp for a 11 months have wonderful shifts and growth. I want this for my children. Truly wow. Thank you Melanie. I am so happy for you and your son. I want to be that story. I will do the work ❤️

    1. Hi Kristina,

      I love your commitment to your and your children – the breakthroughs await.

      You are so welcome Kristina and much love to you and your beautiful children.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  14. Greeting Tonia,

    I really would to thank you for the videos and information you have posted. I came across your videos on you-tube. I was in dire need of answers to understand what was going on with me for the past 12 years of my life. Yes I was in a depression so deep, that I knew something was wrong, and the only way for me to get out of it was to understand what was going on in the first place. It wasn’t until earlier this year, I again heard the term narcissist, that I began looking up who it was and how they impacted my life. As I began to delve further and further into the characteristics of a narc, I realized it was a spitting image of my daughter’s father. And when I looked up the impact narcs had on there victims, it was a spitting image of me. I was crushed, and relieved at the same time. Now I finally had a grip on the dark cloud that was hanging over me for so many years. Your videos gave me something tangible to acknowledge, and to work on. Since watching your videos, I have gone no contact with my narc, and have been able to maintain a parental relationship with him. I no longer seek him to fulfill any desires or needs of mine, nor do I expect him to be anything more than what he has shown me. He has however, been trying to get his hooks back in me, but now I know there is nothing I can do for him. I can not, nor do I want to change his behavior towards me and towards his daughter. I am helping my daughter find her voice, and the confidence to say enough is enough. One thing I must say though,is it wasn’t until I started working on me that I noticed a change in her, and my son who does not share the same father.

    Thanks again for being open to sharing the knowledge you have gained through your life experiences.

    1. Hi Angelique,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I love that you are experiencing this shift for you and your daughter, and am so happy for you both.

      Keep up the wonderful work with leading the way.

      Mel xo

  15. Melanie, I love your T-shirt and your openness in sharing your story!

    I don’t have children and I am not sure I ever will, since I am 32 and not particularly keen on dating seriously right now… Who knows!

    However, few years ago, when I was with the Narc, I made a decision to delay starting a family with him and doing something for myself instead that I knew it was possibly going to trigger him and that decision eventually resulted in his discard and betrayal and me going NC all in the span of a year.

    When I was making the decision, inspired by some readings I was doing, I had this thought: what mother will I want to be to my future children?
    Do I want my future children to have a mother who gave up on herself to avoid pissing dad off? No, I thought, I want them to have a mother who went back to school and travelled and be a role model of authenticity, not people pleasing or eggshell walking. I knew this with every fiber of my being and with incredible clarity.

    What I couldn’t see for myself , that I was stuck in a script, I saw it when I thought of who would come after me. That was my sliding doors moment.

    I also want to tell other thrivers here: please listen to Mel’s advice. I was raised by two broken individuals who don’t fit the definition of NPD but have done immense damage anyway only by acting out their wounds, abusing each other, being focused on the outside, neglecting their emotional self and mine. One of my biggest wound that I am still healing is how lost, lonely, unsupported, invisible, hopeless and powerless this made me feel as a child.

    Healing this is now my responsibilty as an adult. I also have to accept their soul’s journey. But if I could go back to my childhood, or teenage years, and say something to them and being heard, what I’d always wanted to say is : please heal yourself and be a model of emotional health for me. Nothing else matters. What Melanie is saying is the TRUTH.

    Lots of hugs Mel and to the community xoxo

    LJ

    1. Hi LJ,

      thanks gorgeous lady!

      I so agree with the message you are sharing here – PLEASE parents work on yourself.

      The legacy is too costly if we don’t. And the buck must stop here.

      Bigs hugs back honey.

      Mel xo

  16. Thank you Melanie for this timely episode. I was working tonight when I received a text from my 14 yr old daughter that she no longer wants to live with me and has been groomed to live with her narc father. Devestated, but also realising it was text book grooming and the only way to get to me after I finally achieved no contact for the past twelve months. Usually I would react, but this time see it as an opportunity to heal rather than go back into the PTSD symptoms I had for years.. she witnessed years of belittling and emotional abuse, and knew about his affairs, redundancy from the police force following sexual misconduct, never in a million years did I believe this could happen.. but now I know what I must do.. pushing for justice and righteousness only makes the kids confused and turn against you.. gives the narc power..thanks Melanie.

    1. Hi Kerrianne,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased this came at the right time for you … sending you the biggest hugs and healing for you and your daughter.

      It is time for you to heal this … and the results will be wonderful.

      Mel xo

  17. Hi Mel,
    Thanks so much for this wonderful video! I have a question: I have four children ages 14-23, three sons and one daughter. My daughter has always instinctively known that something was “not right” about her father…she was his scapegoat, even going as far as blaming our marriage problems on her. So she knows that he has NPD. However, my sons do not know. I was told by a therapist that they have to find it out for themselves because they will not look favorably on me diagnosing their father as they are a part of him and they could think that something is wrong with them too because of this. I have worked with my youngest on setting boundaries with his father..this was an area I was very weak at and learned so much from you. Now I am modified contact with their father (I only discuss the children not the legal issues) and have noticed that when he cannot bully or manipulate me, he will say I am hurting the children by not responding. He even went as far as saying that if our two oldest committed suicide that it would be 100% my fault.
    I have concentrated on my healing and thriving. I am a NARP member and am so grateful for your program and videos/blog.
    I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
    Much thanks!

  18. Hi Melanie,

    Excellent video and blog. I especially liked when you referred to the trauma triggers as energy…and it is bad/negative energy indeed. Once the bad energy is uplifted, one feels better…or light and free. Amazing! And then, one is able to carry on with life in a positive direction. The need to control/criticize/watch/protect our kids goes away as we are on our life journey as they are, with lessons to learn for all of us. Life becomes meaningful again…instead of a hardship!

  19. Hi Melanie,
    I am new in the recovery process. My family is a mess and I have been in therapy for a year trying to figure out why I am surrounded by these people who care about nothing but themselves. I’m beginning to take steps to separate myself from the narcissists. All 3 children and husband are narcissists. Some worse than others. I have no idea what’s going to happen. My youngest son has drug and alcohol problems and I can’t kick him out because his father has all the power and my son won’t obey me when my husband backs him. I definitely feel I’m in a gang war…me against 3. I saw your video abput your son and it gave me some hope. I’m afraid of what will become of him and our family unit because I understand they don’t really change. Sad and lonely.

  20. Hello Melanie,

    I am married to a wonderful man who’s ex wife is a Narcissist. They have 2 little girls together that are 5 and 7. This woman has had a direct effect on my life because she falsely accused my son of abusing the girls. She was homeless at the time and was told if she could get the girls to say it then she would get them a house. The girls said nothing happened and refused to lie about their step brother. Since then, she no longer pays attention to the girls and we are being told that they can’t mention anything positive about us or she has to take many deep breathes and then she is mad all day. They are confused about why. I fell into the lecturing them because they began to lie to us and we always teach them the value of honesty and we didn’t and still don’t understand why all of a sudden they started lying. The older one (once reminded of values) would instantly tell the truth but the younger one refuses to do it. We found out that the girls were upset because they had to turn in their reading minutes, when they were at their moms and she filled the page with the minutes but she never read to them and they didn’t know what to do because they knew by turning it in, they were being dishonest and by not turning it in, they were going against their mom. We do a 2 week split and it seems every 2 weeks when we get them back, it is worse. The girls called me on Mother’s day and the youngest said she wanted to call me just to let me know that she asked her mom if she has ever lied to her mom and her mom told her she has never lied to her, when at our house she admitted to lying to her mom. I am worried about the health and well being of their mother and what she is doing to the kids and they spend the majority of their time with me because their dad works late. I know I need to heal myself from the trauma of almost losing my son for something he didn’t do but it seems every 2 weeks it is a reminder because the kids can’t be in the same area without a supervising adult (that is just to prevent this from ever happening again). The oldest daughter said she knows her mom lies all the time and she catches her and she doesn’t have faith in herself on being honest because she is a reflection of her mother and since she perceives her mother as a liar, that means she is one too. I just don’t know what to do to help us all heal from this woman.

  21. hi Mel,
    This is so timely! Both my kids are now reconciling with their dad. This feels like a good thing to me. The kids are choosing this out of a stronger, healthier place. I have no fear for them that he will treat them as he did when they were younger, before the divorce and the kids estrangement from him. They are no longer little, terrorized people.
    So a weird one… his current girlfriend is in their lives, and it feels right to be acquainted with her. We have met a couple times for coffee. She reminds me of me 20 years ago. Wowowow am I grateful to have quanta freedom healing at my back! Apparently she is terrorized by him, he gets his feed in different ways than he did with me, but she is prime rib for his meals, imo. So my daughter had an interesting interaction where she was the adult and this lady was the child. That feels like a piece of healing for my daughter. She used to feel that way about me.
    Can you suggest a goal to take to mod 11 so I can clear myself around this?
    I can be peacefully in contact with my x w/ no baggage, I think. No temptation to go back either. But there is something there to work on. Any clarity?
    Thanks!
    Val

  22. Hi Melanie,

    I have watched this video numerous times, and I am sitting here taking notes this time.

    I am co-parenting with a NARC of my 6 year old son. We separated when he was 15 months old, in the area where my ex lives. My mother died, and I was left without career options or family support. Although, I wanted to leave to move towards remaining support I was told by lawyers this would be difficult, and the rest of my family did not have open arms for us. I was broken, and felt very very helpless, but I knew that i would need to heal for my son. When my ex started pushing for custody, I tried mediation and in separate rooms, and requested things like phone contact as I held my boundaries the NARC had a aggressive rage. i was escorted to my car and told i would could no longer be assisted via mediation and asked if i had domestic violence support. I did try doing the modules before this, but i obviously had not gone deep enough. I have been led to a place where i know my only option is on the quantum level. it is my only choice.
    i have been to numerous lawyers who told me if i left that i could have the federal police come and take my son if my ex chose to, but the family law courts would be a long wait. i knew that that long wait would include bullying and more emotional abuse if I did not give in to his demands. So i have worked at having minimal contact, going grey rock, doing all school change overs and i have been trying to heal and be the best role model for my son by healing and seeing him in his light. i realised that my deep wounding around thinking my son wouldn’t be ok was the place that my ex was attacking me and bringing me down. I knew that i had to not react when he would not let me speak to my son, but suggest that he was not ok, and that it was all my fault.

    But the triggers, as we all know here are deep, and although my ex now has 45% care, he is bullying me for more and being aggressive if i go to any school events.

    Last week began the modules again.

    I am just making a comment here to firstly say THANK YOU.

    but also, what has been triggering me is the fact that my ex is reacting in this way by looking at my son and thinking he is ‘wounded’ and ‘not good enough’. he makes it clear that it is because of my influence in his life, and is doing his best to separate us completely.

    where i get triggered is the pain thinking about what this does to my son. all the things you say not to do, my ex is mirroring back. and i grieve so much that he is not being seen for the wonderful boy he is….but THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE MY EX ATTACKS ME. but at the same time, i am angry with myself for letting those negative thoughts affect the way i look at my son – it absolutely triggers me into ‘overcompensating’ – or fighting against the urge to do so, and i cannot help but look at him and see that he is lacking in vitality. I am so so frightened, and i love him so much.

    so where my work lies, is to heal so that when he won’t let me see him, won’t let me support him, but sends text messages to say he is not ok, and the only thing that will make him be ok is if i do exactly what he says, is to …..turn to the modules?

    i am thinking i really need extra support. i think i would like to upgrade my membership so that i can be a part of the community.

    I have some beautiful photos of my son, I am taking notes from the things you saw in your son, and writing them on this board and going to do whatever i can to be able to truly feel that he is on his path and he is whole.

    there is a part of me that wonders if that means i also let go of being in his life too? that is where i need some guidance – at that juncture.

    i know there are guidelines where we do not go into ‘story’ in the forum – and i truly apologise, because i know i have here. thank you once again

    1. I wrote this whilst being in a reactive mind state and wish i could delete this now.

      I feel that I was in a helplessness-analytical-scratching at the walls of the hole and not really getting anywhere energy.

      Analysing the narc-codependent dynamic, rather than actually doing the work, and sounding unhinged as I do so.

      Im holding myself with compassion.

      To the modules….

  23. Hi Melanie

    Do you have any suggestions when my narcissistic ex husband has now managed to turn two of my sons against me and even apparently convinced my sons therapist who I hired to help them deal with the abuse from my ex-husband that my son should spend less time with me even though he spending virtually no time with me. So I have no idea what to do to improve the mental health of my children when I can’t even see them and when they don’t answer my texts or phone calls.

    1. Hi Kim,

      My greatest suggestion is always to heal the trauma that we are feeing from what happened to us with narcissistic exes and also what is happening with our children in regard to that.

      Because it is only then that some space can come within us and Life and even our children for some healing and resurrection to enter. The shift has to come inside before it can re-produce outside.

      I’d love you Kim to google my name + children and you will see that I have created many publications on this topic, and ultimately please come into my free workshop – if my words resonate with you – and experience what I mean – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Please know my heart goes out to you and I want you to know there truly is a way through this, and it is counterintuitive to everything we ever thought and learnt … it has to start with the inner work on ourselves.

      Mel xo

  24. My husband had aquested me of having an affair with my best friends husband it is not true he said he pulled me up from the gutter and he will tell my children what am like whatever that means he said he got robbed that was a lie he won’t let me into our house he thinks the house and everything is his it is not hIs
    ;said I left so I get nothing I need to sell the house what do I do I need my nasatisc husbond out of the house help

  25. Hi, I left what I thought was a commoner garden variety, abusive relationship about 13 years ago, with my toddler daughter! (Despite his threats that if I left him, he’d take her from me, he never even tried). I had received counselling in the past for; child sex-abuse, an incident in my 20s involving an intruder breaking into my home and listening to him rape my flat mate and her sister for hours and finally couple counselling, that he refused to attend. So, I. don’t know if that is what gave me the strength and foundation, along with support of my family (that he had tried to isolate me from, but had underestimated the bond so hadn’t put the amount of effort he probably should have into!) to just walk away! The divorce was acrimonious to say the least, despite in the beginning him promising to; share custody 3/4 days per week – with the help of his mum, us both working together to release equity to buy him a 2 bed home, him contribute generously to me being able to maintain the family home whilst I only worked part time so our daughter would only have to go into childcare once a week and us agreeing we wouldn’t bother divorcing, just wait for the two years when you could do it easily! That all changed when approx 5 months later he’d met someone else and immediately moved her and her daughter into the 2 bed home, downgrading my daughter to visitor in what should have been her home. He then insisted he could no longer share custody (stating he could no longer work weekends, despite protesting in the last few years of our marriage that he absolutely had to – with days of in the week instead), he wasn’t going to give me a penny and he wanted a divorce immediately (interestingly it was me who filed, despite his vile words and decralations he never seemed to get around to it) 6 months on again, came the news she was pregnant and 3 months from then, the day after I went to the court to make our divorce final, he married the new partner in Las Vegas. From the moment he met the new women, his contact became sporadic at best. He firstly decided he’d have her every fortnight for the weekend,then in the August before our divorce was made final, he text to say the divorce was taking too long (!!??!!)) and he didn’t want to see our daughter till it was over! Late November the judge had made the rulings and I just had to sign the paperwork, he rung and demanded contact back. I said he could, but as they’d been a considerable break and she was so young he’d need to build up slowly, starting with a visit with me or my appointed representative present. He declined and I received many abusive phone calls from his family and new partner. Then he applied to the court. They referred us to mediation, it was basically decided what I’d initially proposed. However, once we got to the stage where we were to return to mediation, to take the plan forward to the bit where he resumed weekends overnight he declined. He stated that he was happy having her just 2 hours per week and wanted to stick at that! I then made plans to move 40 odd miles away and said if he wanted her overnight once we’d moved, he needed to start having her overnight before we left. He refused. Once I moved I still said he could have her, but he would have to build up slowly to having her overnight, because she’d only been used to being with him for a couple of hours. He never showed up! Fast forward 4 months and after some out of the blue abusive phone calls from his now wife accusing me of leaving abusive messages on their machine (which I never did, didn’t even have there number!?) I received court papers again. Again the courts agreed with me and set up a plan for him to start seeing her every other week for a whole day and building up to overnight. The date came to return to court, for them to check he’d kept up his end of the bargain and award fortnightly overnight visits. This happened. At this meeting he announced his wife was pregnant with their second child and having our daughter might now be more difficult. The court family welfare officer was dumbfounded. After I got home, that same day, he rung and said he didn’t want to commit every fortnight and could he see her as and when ‘He could fit her in’, I checked with the court and they agreed I could say no, on that basis. So for a whole year she didn’t see her Dad. More and more throughout that year it came to my attention that she talked of fantasy visits she had to her Dad’s and of playing with her new baby brother! I took professional advice to let him resume contact with her, so she could see him for herself and make her own conclusions and decisions! Otherwise the danger was she’d blame me for keeping him from her and end up with no parent she felt she could trust! This was their relationship for approximately another 8 years. It was about 5 years in, when I happened upon NCD and realised this is what I’d been dealing with. I then realised I had to stop feeding him, slowly stopped trying to implore to his better nature and eventually got rid of all reasons to contact him. He can contact my daughter directly, she has her own phone etc and once he stopped paying the court ordered maintenance I put it with child maintenance services, which now means any problems are put through them. If he ever chooses not to pay again that’s up to him and the agency, but my daughter will know that I did everything in my power to ensure her right to be financially supported by both her parents. In those 8 years, he saw her on average 4 times a year, mainly consisting of one overnight stay, occasionally just for the day and occasionally 2 nights! About 2 years ago, she started to communicate to me about how uncomfortable and unsafe she felt there, especially if she was left alone with her stepmother. She said she didn’t feel like she’d be physically hurt, just unsafe! She was never given her own bed, she wasn’t encouraged to leave her own things there, there were no pictures of her around the house (she found a frame stored away with 4 pics of her as a baby, that I’d done for her Dad when we first separated, next time she saw the frame it had pics of her younger siblings in it – a friend of her Dads took a beautiful b&w photo of her and someone put it in a nice frame. She took a pic of it on her phone and showed it to me and I asked her to ask her Dad for a copy, he just handed her the original frame and all!). When she did see them, they went on family walks, days out, he baked cakes with her, took her swimming and was basically the model Dad. When she came home, she returned with an entire batch of cooked cakes! New Years Eve before last she went to stay with him, that was her third visit of the year and none of the previous visits had he had to pick her up or drop her off, he engineered it when he heard we were in the area or sent his mum (who I also believe to be narcisstic), He was supposed to bring her home this one time and point blank refused! I have a residency order (that states that although he still has joint parental responsibility, she resides with me) but because he said I could go and get her, he just wasn’t bringing her back that doesn’t constitute kidnap! I arranged for someone else to pick her up, but he subjected her throughout the day to a dialogue of why I was such a bad, lazy mum, who did nothing for her and couldn’t be bothered to come and get her! The day before that their youngest child was tormenting her by calling me and another loved family member names, she’d retaliated, but had become so frustrated she cried! They screamed at her, that she was too old to cry and to shut up! She vowed never to go there again. She thought she would still visit her grandmother though, but her grandmother turned her back on her also! After about a year she decided she did want to see them again (they’re her family) but they would have to make the effort to contact her and make the arrangements to collect her and drop her off! There is just now a tentative arrangement for 2 weeks time, brought about by a visit from his niece/my daughters cousin from overseas.

    Apologies for the intense explanation, but my question is, I’m not dealing with a child who’s been damaged by living with this day in day out,I’m dealing with a child because she doesn’t see it daily still thinks there’s hope for a healthy relationship with him and I’m not sure how I support her through that?

    I’ve only just discovered you and have looked through your stuff briefly, but could only find information on children who had lived it daily.

    Incidentally I’ve seen discussions regarding dealing with narcisstic tendencies in children , please I’d emplore all parents to remember ALL children, especially teenagers (I say especially, but I think when they’re younger we have more empathy that they genuinely don’t grasp the concept of others feelings and they’re cuter with it! Lol) have narcisstic traits. In a nutshell my advice would be to parent them exactly the sameas a child without a narcisstic parent show them love lots and lots of love, but ensure you balance it with boundaries fair and explicit boundaries, with consequences delivered fairly and explicitly if these boundaries are broken!

  26. Hello Melanie. I have just watched this video as I work with victims of narcissism but, I have never co-parented with one and let me say that when you spoke about Zak’s issues, I was nearly in tears too. I’m just so glad you were able to help him. Children truly are the most blessed parts of our life. Peace to you and to Zak.xxx

  27. Thank you Melanie. Sharing your story helps so many others.
    I am working at trying to move on from my ex, (who has hoovered me back in more times than I would care to admit), whilst still co-parentling our 3 year old. Our relationship ending breaks up a blended family of 5 children… it is very sad for them. My son, aged 6 (from previous relationship) has been affected most obviously by the instability and trauma of the last few years, and personally endured some abuse from my ex a couple of times. Nothing serious enough to take formal action against, but damaging nonetheless and heartbreaking for me as his mother. I am wondering if the damage can be healed. He is 6 and has been connected to this man most of his life. I know and understand I have to work on my own stuff and that will assist him – I just fear that I have allowed this damage to occur – he is such a sensitive, in tune and wise little guy, but is already showing a lot of defiance and sometimes withdrawal which I imagine is partly in response to the trauma and the heavy handed discipline. Is it too late?
    And my daughter, only 3 but very bright and certainly in love with her father…. I just feel so responsible. I feel like more physical separation from him is necessary for me and for my son – but cannot prevent her contact with him obviously.
    I attended a course at your house in Melbourne about 11 years ago… it is good to come across your name and wonderful resources.
    Thanks Mel xx

  28. This really hit home. Heal within above anything or anyone else. How could I have not realised this sooner. Luckily or not I’m at the beginning of my journey and I can start to heal myself now and my precious darling daughter will naturally follow. I’m so proud of her, of us, of me. Best news I’ve had all day. In fact all of my life. As the song goes….. I’ll give to you as I give to me….. love forever true. You are a real gem. Thank you for spreading your wisdom and insight. I’ve forwarded it the girls in my little support group, they’ll grasp it too and swing it round their heads in excitement. Big love flowing your way, happy happy days. Xxxx
    Annabel (U.K.)

  29. Thank you for this video! I needed this. I have been healing and realized that I probably seem like a totally different mother than they are used to. I am more confident and laugh more and am no longer a quiet stay at home homeschooling mom. They’ve had so many changes. Prior to my leaving my husband their little brother had cancer for a year and died. Our lives turned upside down. We have not gotten back to our lives before, because losing him totally woke me up to the reality of my marriage and I was determined to get me and my kids out. (I could not see it as possible at the time, and it took some time and healing to even begin to take steps in that direction.) I wondered if it was difficult for them to see a different me after losing a brother, a home, a family, a father, a lifestyle. Now their mom acts almost like a different person! Maybe if I were more timid and homebound they would feel like things were more like they used to be. Crazy thought now that I think about it. This reminds me that my healing and becoming stronger will help them to envision that for themselves. And honestly we laugh so much more together than we used to. I didn’t want to go my life without their seeing the real me that I had to hide before.

  30. My children live with the sociopathic narcissist and controls the time I have with the children legally.
    How do we not let it affect our hearts and minds??? I’m in desperate need of relief.

  31. I just listened to this episode and thank you. I’ve listened to many others that you have and I believe in your method although I’m just making the full realization that I need your tools and healing method to heal from narcissistic abuse, and I’m fully cognizant (now) that all 12 years of our relationship were an illusion. Long story short I found out about my husband’s years long affair a little over a year ago. I’ve given him space and time to try to walk with integrity and he won’t/can’t. He remains in his affair but refuses to leave our home. I’ve tried to serve divorce papers twice and he’s evaded and pulled me back in. We share an 18 mo old son (a dear little old soul). He has become more and more abusive to the point I am in process of filing for an Order of Protection with the help of an attorney. I have stayed in what ultimately feels like a hostage situation to protect my son and until recently with some hope my family can remain intact. I am SO cognizant of the fact that my little guy is is own person and has his own soul plan. And this is not a new realization. My question, ultimately, is around if I have parenting concerns (more about my husband being distracted and capable of rapid mood shifts to the point I do feel uneasy when my son is with him vs fearing that my husband would deliberately hurt him). I’m including my son in the protection order because the big event that warrants the order did involve him as well. I understand being a barometer and model for emotional healing and solidness, but when the child is so young they’re own little identity is not yet formed. I am working on healing my own traumas and I’ve disconnected from my husband on almost all levels (I’m releasing anger which he didn’t “let” me have in all these months as he continued to betray and blatantly traumatize), but I wonder if you have any additional insight or advice for how to traverse this with such a little one in between? (Additional context: My husband has also been very possessive about our son and it’s clearer all the time that my husband appears to be seeking affirmation from this tiny child. My husband also then flips into rage (the simmering type that you see in the eyes and comes out after an abrupt shift in mood that results in sudden passive aggressive behavior and odd, jabbing remarks) when he sees my son give me more or different affection). Any help or insight is appreciated.

    1. Hi Apollonia,

      I commend your courage and how clear you are about the truth. And there is definetely a necessity to work towards separation, as this will be better for you and your son, absolutely.

      Apollonia I’m assuming that you have started working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      This is going to be a vital piece in your puzzle in regard to not only releasing powerfully and quickly the traumas inflicted by your husband, but also in generating solidness and boundaries for you and your son, and also if necessary, to do healings on your son by proxy to help support him as much as possible.

      Also I would love to be in our NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can help support you with parallel parenting information as well as court custody and all else that is necessary.

      This is a really important time to start setting up and get through, and we have a wealth of experience, strategies and Quantum tools for you to to deal with what is coming in this most supported way possible.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  32. Great video Melanie, thanks so much. Am doing the work and given that I was only discarded a month ago and now not able to see our 6 month old son – I’m doing remarkably well (help from a wise woman friend has proven invaluable)

    I’ve lived through a lot in life, but nothing like this. It is a small blessing that my son is so young and hopefully is largely unaffected by recent events, energetically speaking, though his narcissist mother is going to make things tricky for him in the future for sure. I get what you’re saying about his divine journey – and I DO trust, but I am torn right now between wanting to try and get a co parenting plan (ex is being very high conflict and is unlikely to try to come to any agreement of her own accord) so that I can continue to develop a healthy, balanced and warm loving relationship with him and ‘lead the way’ as you put it – or must I let him go and wait until he is older? I might miss my chance….I know I can’t ‘save’ him but I really want him to have a healthy parental relationship to balance out what is already being played out by his narcissist mum. Any insights or links? Thanks again and good on you 😉 Good on all of us for doing the work…. ^^

    1. Hi Azimuth,

      You are very welcome.

      I am so sorry you are going through this and its great that you are doing the inner recovery work.

      I really do believe your loving input is better sooner rather than later.

      Please check out my resources, if you haven’t already, on custody, court and our children, as well as parallel parenting.

      I hope very much that they can assist you with your situation.

      Much love to you and your son

      Mel 🙏💕💛

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.