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In this Thriver TV episode today, I want to deeply acknowledge with you the devastating effects of Mother’s wounds and the trauma this has caused for so many of you in this Community.

What does it mean for you if your Mother did not fulfil what a stereotypical Mother does, such as care, nurture, and support?

How does this affect your ability to feel whole, worthy and confident in Life?

And what is it like to still be caught up in the battle of feeling like no matter what you do, it is never good enough? Or to still feel like you are receiving abuse, neglect, or being scapegoated for her issues for which she is not taking responsibility?

Maybe, things are so unhealthy with your Mother that you feel like the one who is the Mother, and she is a broken child.

Whatever you may be struggling with to heal, overcome and survive with your Mother, the impact may be devastating, and you may feel trapped in the trauma and abuse whichever way you try to turn.

There may be many reasons why you feel you canā€™t walk away or say ā€œnoā€ to her.

Or maybe you have walked away, but the trauma is still so painful inside you.

Within this video, we investigate the dynamics of Mother wounds, the associated fears not allowing you to say ā€œnoā€, and how to heal from these deep primal wounds to become your True Self.

If you are suffering Mother’s wounds, I sincerely hope this Thriver TV episode holds for you the key to healing and finally sets you free.

 

 

Transcript

Welcome to Thriver TV, the place to break free from narcissistic abuse with quantum tools and understandings. If you havenā€™t yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so, and if you find this information helpful, please share it with anyone else it might resonate with.

I think some of the most painful – if not the most painful – wounds people can experience are mother wounds. So today, Iā€™m looking at the devastating effects of mother wounds and the pain they cause. I’m also going to share how to not only heal and become a loving parent to yourself, to bring yourself back to wholeness; but alsoĀ  how to move upwards and beyond the terrible effects and control that mother wounds have had on you, because that can be awful.

 

The Huge Onus On Mothers

Mothers carry a huge responsibility: to hold, care for, nurture, and be compassionate with their babies and children. This helps them develop their inner identities whilst knowing they are loved, worthy, able to navigate their own lives, and feeling whole and solid inside.

Often this doesn’t happen.

Sadly, abusive and unconscious mothers are carrying their own wounds. I’m not saying this to excuse them; I’m simply expressing the truth. Usually, they were not mothered in healthy ways themselves and/or they were born with epigenetic wounds trapped inside them from their ancestors. Either of these would generate their huge insecurities and malfunctions and activate their survival programs.

The history of humanity is about survival, fear, and brutality. Human wounds and female wounds are huge, and many abusive females carry these wounds ā€“ and hurt people hurt people.

 

The Creation of Mother Wounds

So what does it mean if our mother could not be present as a loving, caring, foundational force in our life?

It means that at a deep inner identity level, we believe we are unacceptable, defective, unlovable, and not okay as we are.

We instinctively knew as young children that our mother was necessary to sustain us – feed us and care for us – and we craved her love.

But what if she was damaged, childish, addictive, abusive or abused, emotionally unavailable and self-abandoning ā€“ which means she will constantly abandon us?

What if she had depression or displayed distant, dismissive behaviour, without regard for her babes? Or maybe she displayed out-of-control inappropriate, cruel, or neglectful behaviour? Would that not have threatened the fabric of our survival programs, creating inner traumas such as life is not safe, “I may not survive, and people are not there for me”?

What happens when we spend our lives trying to get our mother’s approval and support, yet we are never good enough no matter what we do and instead we feel like we’re a mistake and an inconvenience in her eyes?

Or maybe we become a punching bag for her rages or are used as an object to cater to her selfish needs?

These wounds are deep, impactful and absolutely devastating. They threaten the very fabric of our inner identity and create one of three outcomes:

The first is a narcissistic misogynist who unconsciously bonds with every woman possible to try to force her to be someone his mother wasn’t. But because his emotional development is so stunted, he cannot generate that for real.

Then when a woman fails to take away his inner trauma and love him unconditionally in the face of his atrocious behaviour, he will punish her mercilessly, trying to pay back the original female – his mother – who tore his heart and soul to shreds.

It’s so sad, and it’s so destructive. And, of course, this creates even more women to be like his mother – damaged, traumatised, and acting out – because trauma is an epidemic infection that gets passed on from person to person. Until people take responsibility to heal from it.

The second outcome is that the wounds from a narcissistic mother will generate a narcissistic female who will mirror her mother’s insecurity, ego defences and traumas.

The third outcome is that the mother’s wounding creates codependent people who will continue to pick wounded, selfish and unavailable people like their mother. They try to get these others to love and care for them this time, which never works and only rips the mother wounds open more painfully.

The only way out of this is to heal and evolve our inner being from our original patterns that have been superglued in place with trauma and false beliefs. Until we do that, we subconsciously replay these wounds repeatedly with different people.

It’s familiar. Our inner love imprint is these people – until we dissolve that super glue and rewrite the scripts and traumas in our subconscious to create new realities.

 

The Importance of Breaking the Cycle

Many people, of course, are still dealing with narcissistic mothers.

This can be difficult to get clear on because it involves so much human conditioning regarding responsibility for our family and obligations to them. Also, we don’t want to risk upsetting other family members who may be under the narcissistic mother spell or who are themselves steeped in this false truth: ā€œIt’s the right thing to do, to self-sacrifice and keep other people happy at the expense of the trauma to our own soul.ā€

I’ve worked with many clients and people over the years who’ve been entrenched in families with narcissistic mothers (and mothers-in-law) and suffered the consequences.

They’ve been trained to regress back to the powerless child who will do anything to minimise the wrath, criticism and pain, twisting themselves into a pretzel to appease narcissistic matriarchs, some of whom control entire families. I’ve seen how stripped, exhausted, abused and sick they become.

Some components relate to healing from narcissistic abuse that is entirely consistent regardless of who the narcissist is. Please know this is especially important for family members to break down the conditioning barriers we’ve taken on: ā€œFamily is foreverā€, which is just as destructive in some cases as the belief marriage is forever.

Listen to the truth of what your inner being is telling you. If you are feeling trauma, the interaction that you are having with this person is unhealthy for your soul. It’s Wrong Town. Yet this is where our head comes in with, “But she is my mother. You’re supposed to love your mother. She is old and vulnerable. She needs me. If I don’t do what she wants, other people will think I’m a terrible daughter or son”. Or even, “I know she loves me. She has a funny way of showing it.”

My answer to that is, so what? Why make these excuses? Are your justifications for enduring the abuse worth you contracting terrible nervous system disorders or incurable illnesses? Or continue generating patterns with people who represent more of your dynamic with your mother? Or are your children learning abuse is acceptable – setting them up to continue the trauma patterns that have infected your family, possibly for generations?

How about, instead, being a force for soul truth and change in having the courage to honour yourself and all of life?

Please know this. Abusers (mothers or not) are very resourceful. If you choose to step away via modified or no contactĀ and start saying no, they will find somebody else to do their bidding. And thatā€™s a shame – because if everybody awakened and honoured their soul, people who use and abuse others would have no one to victimise, and they would have to clean up their act.

 

The Buck Stops Here

When you pull away and honour yourself, what they did and who becomes their next dump master is not your business.

What is your business is honouring the sovereignty of your soul: being a source of authentic truth and healthiness for you and those you touch and love – which is as far-reaching as future generations and humanity itself. You cannot do this if you continue to pollute yourself with trauma by allowing anyone, even your mother, to abuse you.

I want to shake you up with this so that you understand how important it is to honour and love yourself first and foremost.

We are all on a soul journey, and we have soul contracts. As nemeses, people in our lives push us to turn inwards and honour the truth of our souls. We can then start loving and respecting ourselves, becoming that healthy force in the world and we stop handing away our power and wellbeing. We can be our True Self.

If we don’t clean it up, we keep reincarnating with the abuser. Can you imagine going through this with your mother again and again and again until you get it? How many lives have you already been doing that? Maybe she was your love partner last time. Maybe she will be your mother again next time. It’s mind-boggling. Do we want that? No, it’s time to sort it out now. The buck can stop here.

 

The Beauty In Healing and Becoming Whole

The next step is to understand that – like releasing ourselves from narcissistic abuse – when we choose to honour ourselves, massive traumas will emerge. These are all the traumas that have prevented us from being able to honour ourselves in the first place – not just with the narcissist, but in many areas of our life.

There may be overwhelming despair and emptiness. You may fear that one day you may need your motherā€™s love and approval or will never survive without it. Or you could have overwhelming terror that she will smear, persecute, punish, and bring the whole family down on you – amplifying the scapegoating that you’ve always experienced from her. It may be the fear that you’ll be thrown out of the family clan, and you will be all alone. Or it may be the guilt of feeling like you are abandoning her and being a terrible person.

Whatever it is, this can be released, and you can heal and free yourselves from these traumas – all of them.

That’s exactly what the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) does for any form of narcissistic abuse enmeshment that is not allowing us to honour our soul truth – including from mothers.

We discover that when we disconnect and start healing every trauma that arises, we recover our mother wounds.

We start becoming whole, confident and self-loving on the inside. We become better parents, and we love in healthier ways. Our children begin organically developing more beneficial inner identities as well.

Another phenomenon occurs when we do the inner quantum work regarding the fallout from any narcissist – including a narcissistic mother – who can be vicious.

When we lose our terror of being scapegoated and persecuted and walk our truth without having to prove ourselves or make others understand, people organically start accepting our decisions. They stopped attacking us because the fact was there, and the space for them to do this was there – because we did not need them to stop. We’d healed it on the inside, and all that mattered was that we got it -then they followed.

When we set ourselves free on the inside, we go free from guilt and repercussions, so the smearing attempts fall flat. The threats to cut us out of this and that, emotional and financial, don’t matter anymore. We can pay that price for our soul and future generations’ health.

And we don’t lose anything anyway. We break off unhealthy, parasitical and abusive dependencies and become whole sources of love, life force, abundance and joy. Regardless of who our mother decides to be or what she tries to do.

This is the life our True Self-alignment grants. We can never connect to that when we are polluted by accepting abuse and making excuses. But we certainly do when we know our truth is point-blank our emotional reality. When we are prepared to be authentic, walk it, and lose it all to get it all, our true life begins.

 

Conclusion

I promise you there are people who have worked my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) and are healed and freed from narcissistic mothers.

I’ve got more resources on this that I’d love you to look at, so please Google elderly narcissists Melanie Tonia Evans, family members Melanie Tonia Evans or family narcissists Melanie Tonia Evans. Youā€™ll find lots more about this.

I also have a resource on narcissistic mothers-in-law, which you can access by clicking this link.

I look forward to your comments below ā€“ I know it will be a riveting discussion because this topic has been painful for many people in this community.

So I really hope that’s helped. Until the next episode, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do. Lots of love. Bye-bye.

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Commments (91) + Leave a comments

91 thoughts on “How To Heal The Wounds From Narcissistic Mothers

  1. Dear Melanie – I was soooo meant to watch this video. I thank you profoundly for addressing this topic! Even though I have made MIRACULOUS leaps and bounds with my recovery (I have been doing your NARP program for a year and 2 months now) and have finally shifted out ALL trauma related to my narcissistic father (Woo-hoo! What a MASSIVE accomplishment that has been!), I am still ‘hooked in’ on many levels to my borderline/narcissistic mother. Yet I see clearly now, after having listened to you talk, that I have justified keeping her in my life out of guilt and fear – Feeling that if I release her (my one remaining family member) FOR REAL, then truly, I will have no one left and will be all alone and that she won’t be able to handle it (Any time I’ve tried to go no contact in the past, I’ve been on the receiving end of the typical rages, smearing, threats, suicidal talk). Yet as you so simply and powerfully said in regard to continuing to make excuses, “So what?!” Thank you – Seriously, THANK YOU for ‘shaking [me] up’ on this topic because this is one that I have admittedly been avoiding and pushing to the back burner… because it’s just so painful. But right here, right now, I am soooo making the decision to honor my soul truth in regard to her. I choose to sort this out NOW. I am prepared to lose it all to get it all!! Plus, I sure as hell do not want to reincarnate with her again! Um, no thanks! šŸ™‚ And I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again – I am just SO HAPPY that my soul chose you to be one of my healers in this lifetime! I wish you could feel in my heart how honored I feel to have found you and how you have been SUCH a profound part of my life – I watch every video, read every blog, and do your modules multiple times per week. I am just constantly moved to tears (including right now) by you and your work and all of the ways in which you have deeply touched my soul and my life. My soul yearning is to touch as many hearts with my voice, lyrics and music as deeply as you have in this beautiful community of thrivers. Thank you, my Earth Angel! Much love to you!! xOxO, Laura

    1. Hi Laura,

      I am so pleased this has helped you.

      That is so wonderful Dear Lady that you are now going to honour you.

      Your beautiful words bring tears to my eyes, and I feel so blessed that I am connected with your Dear Sister on this amazing journey.

      You are here for big things Laura, your soul has it right!

      Mel xo

      1. Hi All,

        I have just started doing NARP since three days ago on Friday Nov 22, 2019) when I signed up to the program. I have had depression and anxiety since a young child and always felt afraid. I realised much later I was afraid of my mother. I thought dad loved me and not prone to her ways but now in my late 40’s I believe he is that way too but perhaps not to the same extent. Much of what everyone is saying is ringing true for me. I can see how I have attracted other narcissists with the last few being bosses which really made my life unbearable at times but I was made redundant from that job a few months ago. (along with others – another large media organisation bought out our paper and not long after set about making people redundant.) I slept alot the first few months I was exhausted and do wonder it was an intervention as I was very much in ill health. Thankyou for sharing insights and if anyone has any further insights that I am not getting I welcome you to share them.

        Gabrielle

      2. I had the realisation a few weeks ago that my mother is a covert narcissist and both myself and my sister had years of emotional abuse which we really struggled to deal with. Everything makes so much sense to me now. I developed chronic OCD anxiety when I was about 13/14 years old and I realise now that was my protective/survival system kicking in to keep me safe in my home environment. I did feel so defective and worthless growing up and I started journaling my thoughts to try to make sense of it all and to remind myself that it did actually happen and I wasnā€™t imagining it and going crazy! The instances of abuse that I have been recollecting has been profound. Since I went NC, things in my life have just started to ā€˜flowā€™ more easily. I donā€™t feel so wound up, anxious and down and I am feeling like I am unravelling the pieces of the puzzle and becoming more aligned to my true self. Your videos and posts have helped me IMMENSELY over the years and the work you do for this community is amazing! Thank you so much šŸ„°šŸ™

        1. My mother is also a covert narcissist, she is cruel, judgmental, and sneaky! And the gaslighting, always telling me I must have dreamed things that I know happened! I am stuck living in my mother’s house now while I’m going through cancer treatment and I would almost rather be living in my car! I can’t wait for the day when I can tell her goodbye for the last time!

    2. Dear Laura – this is quite an amazing synchronicity to come across your words. chills actually on my body as I write. I am doing Mel’s thriver course and going deep into the pain of my narcissistic mother and a team member of the programme shared this link with me and yours is the first comment I am coming across and word for word it speaks to my experience. I especially love: “I sure as hell do not want to reincarnate with her again! Um, no thanks!” Thank you for voicing your experience so eloquently and your gratitude to Mel so beautifully, it inspires me to commit more deeply to the QFH as a tool, and I so appreciate the way you speak of your soul choosing Mel as a teacher and healer. Anyway, from a fellow Laura: thank you for giving me the inspiration and soul support to face the truth that I would rather loose it all to gain it al then to continue being the scape goat for my mother’s life and to be at the behest of her constant games. Laura x

  2. Absolutely bang on Melanie. Thanks.
    I removed both my parents from my life earlier this year after years of struggle with them. I already live on the other side of the world from them and you’d think they couldn’t continue their damage from there, but they did.
    My Narc father had told my partner I was mentally ill (one of his favourite accusations because of his own personal fears) and my Borderline personality disordered mother had put my partner and ex husband in touch with each other so they could work together to continue hurting me.
    I found all this out in marriage counselling with my partner.
    Shocking, yes… but finally the straw that broke the camel’s back…

    I removed my parents. They’ve tried to pressure me through my sister and I just smile and tell her it’s not going to happen. Now my ex husband wants to have a coffee with me and his mother has recently contacted me too, after years of no contact, so it appears my mother is still trying to get people to do her dirty work, just as you describe.

    I’ve spent years working on my boundaries. I chose not to pass on the damage to my children and they’re healthy, though we talk about boundaries and self care and the family a LOT. My 14 yr old son is just becoming aware that he’s trying to rescue friends and taking too much on emotionally, so it’s been a good place to start talking about what he may have inherited from his father and our combined families.

    But, I want to tell you that I am above all of their meddling and intrusion. I have zero contact and from early this year, I started to remove all of the toxic people from my life.
    I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole 46 years.
    I feel strong, healthy, happy and confident. I’ve met an incredible new partner who has not a trace of any narc or psychopath about him and for the first time in my life, I have a healthy relationship. Because of this, my children are happier. All children want a happy mother.
    I am absolutely thriving. It’s thanks to you, to my counsellor and to me for doing the work. Thank you for putting this great resource out there. It has changed my life.

    For anyone deciding out there, whether to go no contact with abusive people, do it. It feels hard at first but then your joy kicks in as they recede into the background and I can’t tell you how damn good that feels.
    Just do it.

    1. Belle! I am so inspired by your post! I often forget that I am not the only person out there whose soul chose the “double-whammy” of having both a narcissistic father AND a borderline & narc mother! I too, was successfully smeared by my father who convinced the entire family that I was/am mentally ill, a thief and a drug addict. Comical now, but SOUL DESTROYING at the time. I went through hell and back, trying to defend myself against the atrocious lies. Finally, I made the life-altering decision to go inward and shift out EVERY SINGLE TRAUMA related to him through Melanie’s program. And I’ve never looked back. And truly, I don’t give a DAMN now what any of them think or believe – Not my reality anymore! Healing my wounds in regards to my mother is the last piece of the puzzle for me. I smiled when you said, “Just do it!” Love it! You inspired me with that! How AWESOME that you are thriving and experiencing joy and freedom in your new life. Sending you love and positive vibes on your journey!

    2. Hi Belle,

      it’s my pleasure.

      That is so wonderful that you have honoured you and your Life is reflecting that “health” in so many ways!

      Thank you lovely lady for being such a powerful, loving support to others going through this.

      Mel xo

  3. I would love to hear about narccisistic Mother in laws… I have one who obviously made a narc for a son whom I married and had a child with. We are now talking divorce and he is working with his Mommy to divorce me with the least monetary impact as possible. I guess he is getting her approval for narccisistic supply right now as well as actively looking at dating other women after 50… I have been married to him for 17 years and now he is looking for 2 – 20’s to replace me. Ugh…

  4. It wasn’t until about halfway through the narcissistic relationship and years in that I realized just how many similarities between them and my mother there were. Previously I was completely unaware of what kind of a person my mother really was since I was always so busy trying to “be a good daughter” and live up to her expectations , even though I had an unhappy childhood and my teenage years were mostly spent as a runaway because my home life was so horrific. Naturally it was all my fault, I was just so rebellious~ and she got away with that excuse for many years. Now here I am an adult woman trying to figure out how to extricate myself from all of the C.R.A.P.
    I can’t believe I have lived most of my life with my eyes closed.
    Since I was the youngest in my family, my two older sisters have been pretty consistent with leaving me holding the bag.
    They will talk about our mother and her behaviour but they give in to her every whim, afraid of her disapproval and clamoring for her affection and attention. My middle sister is the golden one, she can do no wrong even though she spends very little of her time with our mother and has made it obvious that she is not her priority. My oldest sister lives 70 miles away and only makes the trek when it works for her, which leaves me to do all of the rest. My mother lives in assisted living where she is cared for but yet still requires “special” everything including drinking water that we have to bring in.
    I’m trying really hard to work through all of this and not be so angry! In addition I feel like I am the crazy one, the cruel one because I no longer want to accept this behavior from my mother or my sisters.

    1. Hi Karin,

      It is great that you have the awareness … you have done so well with this … and the next step as you realise is to work through this.

      Are you working with shifting the trauma cellularly inside you? It is a massive game changer rather than trying to heal cognitively.

      Because what it means is that you would be able to load the anger, and all other traumas connected and move them up and out of your subconscious pain and emotional body and go free from them.

      Do you know about NARP and how it does that?

      If not – please come into my free workshop where you will experience Quanta Freedom Healing and how it powerfully heals you from the inside out.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      This can so give your relief Karin and help you not feel crazy!

      Mel xo

  5. I am trying to pull away from my mother. I live 60 miles away from her and have done for the last twenty five years but still find that the distance doesn’t stop the nastiness. I stood up for myself for the first time a few months ago but she didn’t like it. I would like to pull away completely and have total no contact but that would mean I would lose my dad, brother and little niece and that is what makes me still have a connection to her as I do not want to lose these other family members. I don’t see her that often anyway but decided I should cut the contact as much as I can, so not ringing home that often now. She has never liked my young son and she hasn’t had any contact with my other adult children for years. When i do see her, she will be nasty to someone that day, either me or my dad. I know my dad has a really hard time with her but has never stood up to her and he tries to make the situation better. So when I don’t ring home that often now, he texts me to ring home to speak to mum, but really I don’t want to. I feel so sorry how he is treated by her.

    I know realize why I attracted a narcissist husband. We split 6 years ago but co-parent my son. It’s been a total nightmare co-parenting with him but as my son is almost a teenager now, I am finding i don’t really need to have much contact with my son’s dad now.

    My mum has made me feel unworthy, and that I really don’t matter and I’ve been feeling this emotion since childhood, and need to heal the trauma of this. I know logically that I am worthy, but need to heal the emotions I still feel. I have purchased the narp programme and going to start it soon.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      I am so pleased you are now a NARP member and are going to start the healings.

      Please know Suzanne that you don’t have to work it all out now – as in whether to walk away, now or ever. When you heal you – truly “the way” will unfold.

      You will know what to do and how to do it in ways that work for all.

      You’ve got this! It’s your time to heal!

      Mel xo

  6. I didn’t know I needed this… but I so did. It’s perfect timing as a huge mother wound is being triggered by having to do co-parent counseling in the near future with the N and a female therapist. My childhood abuse experience was primarily with my brother and my mom’s roll was not protecting or helping me. I’ve felt terror even thinking about doing therapy with the N and I now realize it was fear of a total repeat of that childhood situation. I now know exactly what to target in modules. Thank you.

  7. I can agree and confirm to these truths..
    But what if ….If someone has recognized their narcissistic ways, and the generational pass down of this abuse, and actually has changed their ways.

  8. Recently I had a nightmare. It was the ex-narc in my life who has been stalking me for 2 years, and he was chasing me. My mother was helping me escape from him and telling me where to go. Then, I turned around to her and said “Don’t pretend to help me. I know you ARE HIM! You are the reason I attracted him!” As I was trying to yell this, my voice started to silence as if she was choking me. My unconscious mind was screaming to me in my dream that my mother is the same energy/entity as this psychopathic ex, and that no amount of sugar coating or justifying the motherly sentiment could possibly cover that truth. I have to face it head on. I have been working the NARP program twice a day for the past month or so. Is there any specific module you recommend that would specifically pertain to releasing and healing trauma from a Narc mother? I’ve been doing the modules regarding the ex-narc, but now it’s time to start on my mother. I’m thinking I’ll start with module 2- release and heal the illusion of the perfect partner…

    1. Hi Bhavna,

      Wow – that is a powerful dream!

      Truly Bhava, work with the Modules in exactly the way you did for the ex – simply substitute with your Mum.

      Start at Module 1 and all the healing will unfold for you. The healing path is identical!

      Mel xo

  9. Dear Melanie
    Thank you so much for covering this topic… I am from Spain and it is such a tabu in this country to say anything “bad” regarding your biological family, especially the mother and father… My father is high smart narcissist, and my mother I think she was co-dependent with him, but with the time she also showed narcissistic traits more and more… and joined my father and narc siblings in abuse towards me.
    I wonder if the healing from the wounds of narcissistic mothers is similar than from the wounds of narcissistic fathers? Would you consider talking about narcissistic fathers in future Thriver blogs?
    With deep gratitude and love
    Sonia

  10. Hi Melanie, The earliest memory of my Mother hurting me mentally was when I was four, my Teddy bears head had fallen off through playing with it with a dog and she put it on the fire and let me watch it burn. Other things I remember was when I won a singing contest and my Mother who had to give up her singing career to have me said, well that,s nothing .I was a Professional !. When I was a Teenager I chipped my front teeth and had to have crowns and she crunched an apple in front of me and said “you can,t do that now”, but I could.The most damaging thing though was when my Father died from a heart attack and she blamed me even though he had C.O.P.D, Angina, fleabitus and high blood pressure, smoked and drank every day, she said I killed him through giving him too much stress, especially when I made my Girlfriend Pregnant, I was 21 then and I admit a bit wild, womanising, staying out all night and dabbling with drugs, drinking alcohol etc.,
    I have always had a question mark over me since that comment even though people have said don,t be silly, luckily with the Quantum freedom healing programme I can clear away all that pain from the past
    Take care
    Chris

  11. My mother was not a narc, but histrionic. She was a professional entertainer and had to always be the center of attention.

    But looking back at my past relationships I see a pattern of being attracted to broken and emotionally messed up ladies. One of them today is doing life in prison for murdering her boss with a hammer. My wife of 22 years was a narc. Another didn’t tell me she was a lesbian until the 3rd date….etc….

    Having healed myself, I no longer find these messed up ladies attractive, I no longer HAVE TO help them. I am no longer bait for narcs or borderlines. I made the choice: NO MORE DIFFICULT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. I’ve had enough for 5 lifetimes.

    Today I have a wonderful wife and life is so much better.

    1. Time has passed since the above post, yet it is a similar story to my own …..though I don’t have the happy ending …YET! Have obtained the NARP Gold package and am beginning the work. There is lots to read / watch.

      One daunting aspect of this comments section on NARC Mothers ..only two (now three) posts from men! Were sons of NARC mothers more likely to become NARCs themselves???

      1. Hi Alex,

        That is great you have NARP now!

        These men can become narcs but definitely not always!

        Also men are much less likely historically to post!

        Bless you šŸ˜€

        Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  12. I was abused by my mother from birth. And my only (and older) sister is also a narcissist who abused me. I am 64. I won’t go into the situation except to say I was the family scapegoat from my earliest memory. I was never called by my first name – my mother and sister would only refer to me in third-person pronouns (she/her/it/that). I was told before I was old enough to look up words in a dictionary that I was a psychopath, dangerous, crazy, dirty, an empty shell of a human being (I thought I was like the chocolate drug-store Easter Bunny – looked normal and nice but empty inside) and, maybe the worst offence, I was told that I caused nothing but pain and torment for my family. I have been stalked and smeared and used. This year I sent a no-contact letter to my mother/sister and asked that my name to be taken out of the family Will. Of course, I got some vicious phone messages afterwards (which I deleted) – and emails (I changed my email address) and my only brother will not speak to me anymore. My father has passed and would not speak to me for the last 20 years of his life because, as I learned after his death, my mother/sister told him I had accused him of child sexual abuse. He believed them and was so hurt he would not speak to me. I never knew that was the reason until he was already in heaven. I do pray for him and I have asked God to make sure he knows I never accused him of such a thing. I was very close with him before that. Heartbreaking for sure. But just another tactic that a narcissist will use to tear families apart. Anyway, (this is longer then I planned) after sending the no-contact letter I took all the family photos (other then a few of me as a child and a few of my father) and threw them into the garbage can with my dirty cat litter. I had EMDR therapy – started going to church – and for the first time in my life I am AWAKE, able to feel things, and able to take care of myself from a place of contentment and gratitude – rather then mere survival. I spent my life counting on the kindness of strangers because of it all – and I married a narcissist and had to deal with domestic terrorism. That’s over now too. It has been a hard life – and my heart goes out to all those motherless daughters and victims of family smear and blame campaigns. Going no contact – while scary and lonely at times (especially on family statutory holidays like Christmas etc) is the BEST thing I have ever done for myself. My mother is now 84 and the way I look at things – she can be served in her old age by her other daughter and son – who she continues to manipulate and use. I owe them nothing – I have forgiven them – but I will never speak to any of them again and it feels so right and just and I am at peace. I have no guilt or regrets. Trust me when I tell you that sticking around never makes things change. You have to be the change – and you have to love yourself – and you have to be the one to say NO MORE. Otherwise your life will never be your own.

    1. Hi Sue In Canada,

      I am so sorry you have been through such a painful and tormenting time with your family.

      That is so wonderful that you have worked on healing you. That would have been so necessary after your experiences …

      Your courage and heart are such an inspiration to others. You totally made it through Sue, you have graduated. Hard soul battles won by your amazing spirit.

      Sending many continued blessings and love

      Mel xo

  13. Wow Melanie I like your clear way of expressing this exactly for what it is. You do this in such a compassionate caring way. Thank you so much.
    I’ve come across the term ‘narcissistic mother’ many a time but it’s only recently I’ve been able to come to terms with the fact that this was my mother. I’ve spent a life time trying to protect and rescue her. After she died I even went to a clairvoyant trying to put things right with her would you believe! I’m still dealing with feelings that I’m betraying her but that’s definitely changing.
    The good thing is to know its never too late to face up to the truth, to change patterns and heal.
    Do you have any material on narcissistic fathers or would you consider speaking about this?

  14. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for the new video.

    I have a friend who had a severely narcissistic mother. Her relationship with the mother was awful and she had removed her from her life in past and had spent periods of time not talking to her. Then the mother suddenly got ill and past away last year. My friend was beyond devastated. I understand her confusion as my own mother was narcissistic also ( borderline ) but it’s gone too far and now there is regular Facebook posts etc written by my friend, who now terribly misses her mother, who she previously hated. She talks about her all the time as well. Its become difficult to deal with her as well as everything is now about the mother and she has become increasingly controlling, too. Obviously, she seems to be feeling some sort of guilt but what else. What is causing this? Being overly attached to the mother that she hated alive but not now that she is dead?

    Kind regards Lisa ( Absolutely Blonde )

    1. Hi Lisa,

      it is very common for those with Personality Disordered parents to be in masses of pain after their death.

      Because it was never able to be resolved, the inner child is grieving not just missing out, but what could have been as well as no possibility of fixing it with that parent now.

      My greatest suggestion for her would be the deep inner healing of the NARP Program – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp , however people will turn inwards and self-partner when they are ready to – and not before.

      Mel xo

  15. Dear Melanie, This video was truly a light bulb moment for me in relation to my Ex-Narcā€™s mother who is a Narc herself. She had 7 children, including 4 sons, and ruined them all. Would love more info on Narc mothers-in-law and how they produce Narc sons. (Ex is a somatic narcissist, and the oldest son). Is it genetics or environment? Or both? If Ex was to go no contact with her, is there any hope for him to recover and become a decent human being? Or is it just too late?

  16. Hi Melanie

    Thank you so much for this video – it came at the perfect time when I had been searching Thriver TV for narcissistic mothers but couldn’t find any. A couple of days later this video showed up! I am currently getting my head around the fact that my mother is highly likely a narcissist.

    I came across your website 2 years ago after leaving my ex-narc. Finally, I had a name for what he was and why he treated me the way he did! My mother and I were always very “close” – but to the point where I didn’t know where she stopped and I began. She always boasts about how similar we are, how I’m her clone etc. I’m an only child and she left my Dad when I was very young. Unfortunately he died when I was 18 and already having a tiny family as it was, I relied on the relationship with my Mum a lot over the years (I’m now 30). She was always very critical and downright nasty comments would slip out of her mouth often (still do). I reflect back now and can see how toxic so much of her behaviours were. We moved around from city to city throughout my childhood/teenagerhood to the point where I don’t even have a place that I’m “from” so to speak. No childhood or high school friends. When this has been brought up she is dismissive and says that change is good and the reason we moved around much is because of the problems I kept having at school. Funny thing is, she is now 70 and still moves around constantly!

    About 18 months ago after commencing my healing journey from my ex-narc, I met a wonderful man who treated me and my little son like gold. We got married about a year later and my mother (who was initially very approving and encouraging of our relationship and getting married) started to change her tune and criticise my husband. She very subtly attacked my name change, his family, friends, his career, his parenting of my son etc. I found her influence was like a disease and started to infect my thoughts and actions in such a way that my marriage then became very much on the rocks in a matter of months. We had a couple of months apart and thankfully we are in a much better place now and very happy together. My mother is offended that I turned my back on her “advice” and says I should be “sectioned” for staying with him. My husband is very open to discussing narcissism and sees parallels with his own family, so he is incredibly supportive of my research into all of this.

    The questions I have are: is it common for narc mothers to heavily interfere in their children’s marriages? And how do I stop feeling so guilty like she’s this helpless being who has just tried to help me my whole life (Her words)? The thought of going No Contact just seems impossible and I’m not sure if even necessary… Help!

    1. Hi Elise,

      It’s my pleasure. I am so pleased this video was timely for you!

      That is wonderful you are with a wonderful man and that you have both pulled through this together.

      Yes, it is common for N parents to be very triggered and destructive when children in their life find sustenance, happiness or energy from anything outside of them.

      N’s feel powerless when rendered insignificant, which of course is the hairline trigger to the terribly fragile ego – it isn’t about anything that anyone is doing “wrong” to them – it is their stuff.

      How you lose the guilt it to heal from the traumas inside you that are generating them. My highest suggestion for this is the NARP Program – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp . For all of us when we know we should lose certain feelings, but haven’t, we have already tried to logically overcome them.

      This is where NARP as a powerful subconscious healing tool does the work at the core of our Inner Identy, in order to heal, get solid inside on what we need to do and let go of the feelings that aren’t serving us.

      You don’t need to make the decision straight away about going No Contact or not, because when you do the inner healing on all that is feeling impossible, painful and triggering for you, then you just won’t have those feelings. Then clear boundaries and knowing “what to do”, Elise, will be organic for you.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you Mel, I really appreciate your response. I think the NARP program would definitely be very beneficial, considering how engrained these feelings are within me and the length of the relationship with my Mum. I love your work, it’s been so enlightening watching your videos and reading the blog over the past couple of years.

        Take care,
        Elise

  17. Hi Elise, I hope you don’t mind me replying as well from personal experience. One of the tactics of a Narc mother is to infiltrate our relationships to slowly and ultimately destroy them so we remain in service only to them and their needs. They start by being approving and gracious (this is the ‘information gathering’ stage) – but once they know things about their target – they start smearing them to us – so we get caught in the middle. They are very covert in their ‘persuasion’ and we get confused and find ourselves both defending our partner but also questioning our choice. At the core they are jealous – and competitive – and selfish – with no compassion or conscience at play. Your mother sounds like she is working on you and from my experience you need to set some firm boundaries. Like – no talking about your husband to you or anyone else. My experience is that a narc mother will just find other ways “in” and this can include false accusations. Going no contact is hard I know – but you can at least ask her to stop meddling in your personal life. If she doesn’t stop – you may start to see the benefit of no contact. When I went no contact with my mother a part of me was hoping she would see her part in why I needed to do that and would apologize and all could be better. My mother ‘showed’ herself to me by her reaction and I just don’t exist anymore to her. But she is still making sure I am isolated (shunned) by others and is still trying to hurt me through third parties. Someone once described narcissism well. “Narcissists can be charming and kind and generous and lovely as long as things are going their way. When they don’t go their way – they become instantly vicious.” That is the sign to watch for.

    1. Hi Sue

      Thanks so much for your comment and sharing your experience – that makes a lot of sense now why she was so approving of my husband initially. She was “gathering information” to later use against him. My mother is a very educated and highly intelligent woman who uses this to feel superior over others who have not been to university or she perceives as less intelligent than her. It’s quite sad really and I can’t believe it has taken me 30 years to realise what the issue has always been with her. I had terrible self-image issues and a messed up relationship with food/my body for over a decade thanks to her constant scrutiny of my appearance. Her own mother was a narc, though very neglectful and dismissive as opposed to controlling and meddling, so I’m certain this is where she has developed it from.

      Re: setting boundaries, absolutely! I have just this week said to her that I no longer want any negative comments or criticisms about my husband or our marriage, and her response was “I’m staying out of it”, followed by her scurrying away and not staying to wave my son and I off as we drove away (withdrawing the “love”). I will be on top of her behaviour and ensure she doesn’t get away with her criticisms and superiority any more.

      I have realised that I am her main source of supply and this is why she likes to enmesh herself in my life so much. It goes beyond supportive – to the point where when I was younger (and even now to an extent) she would subtly criticise items that I had purchased and ask if I still wanted them. I didn’t even know what I really liked or wanted until I was about 25 and living on the other side of the world (with my ex-narc). He and my mother hated each other, he used to say SHE was a narcissist! Takes one to know one I guess!

      1. Hi Elise, That’s great you stated your needs. And her reaction is typical for a narc. Everything is a win/lose and they hate being restricted by “our” needs. Also interesting about your mother and ex narc husband hating each other. I believe narcs can ‘spot’ each other and they actually compete as if the other will take all their supply away. As for your possessions, narcs simply want it all. My sister used to ask me if I still wanted a new sweater or jewellery I bought for myself. I would say, yes. After her visit – the item would be gone. Poof. And I dared to confront her because whenever I did she would create a list of grievances against me and reject ME.

        I used to be a people pleaser and also never really knew who I was until I got away from the chaos and never-ending drama. I never ended relationships or passed judgement on others because I was so unaware of myself. I used to think the phrase “you have to love yourself first ” was selfish. Now I’ve come to understand self-love is not that at all – it’s healthy and a normal mothers would foster that in us. Only when we take care of ourselves can we truly love another. And only then can we spot personality-disordered people and protect ourselves with firm boundaries. But it’s painful stuff anyway you slice it. Read in a book about this issue – “Malignant narcissism is as close as we come to evil on earth.” I agree because it seems no amount of grace or patience or logic on our parts can change them. All we can do is manage our contact and refuse to be shamed or guilted.

        I wish you all the best!! xo

        1. Dear Melanie. I hope I have not overstepped by replying to Elise. I realize this is your forum – but my heart wanted to also reach out to her specifically. Again, thanks for all you do to help so many of us – and I will stand back now. xo

        2. So interesting what you said about self-love – I distinctly remember my mother sneering and dismissing any comments people made about “loving yourself”…. she used to say it was weird and egotistical. So I grew up believing that self-love was not healthy. Now I know why she had this view – because she doesn’t love herself at all and just doesn’t get it!

          And yes, I think it will be a constant battle of managing her behaviour until it gets to a point where it’s continually destructive and I may have to face the reality of No Contact. She has already taken 2 digs at my husband (very subtly and by text message) in the 48 hours since I told her no more negativity or opinions!

          Thanks for your support Sue and you take care too xo

  18. Hi Mel,
    WOW … nail on head… really looking forward to the mother in law one. It is another piece of understanding (actually, compassion, too). So I want to make darn sure I don’t pass any more junk to my own kids, especially my 17-yr old daughter, who is choosing to live with her abusive dad (probably narc, definitely seriously wounded). The dad hasn’t changed, I myself am perfectly content to keep a very safe distance. How does one support one’s daughter in this situation? I get she is looking for something from him. How do I let go and yet be supportive? How do I free us both from my own stuff, from a somewhat wounded family, in my own growing up? Can you suggest a formula for working with mod 11? Am about to do another journey with mod 11 about knowing she is on her own soul’s journey and is safe and fine. (Because that is the opposite of how I feel just now!) But I don’t doubt I have added to her wounding by, among other things, freezing when her dad raged before we separated. I know my daughter felt she had to protect me. Totally backwards, but real. How to heal it all?
    As always,
    Thank you!
    Val (in Colorado)

  19. Although I don’t believe for a moment that my mother was narcissistic she was and still is completely unable to show or give the emotions she claims to feel. She tells me and anybody who will listen that she loves me so much and is so proud of me but as a child everything was so controlled and I never felt unconditional love except from my father who I found dead at age 5.
    Her way of dealing with this was to ‘normalise’ my life so after she had explained carefully what dead meant and after his funeral, he was never spoken of again. Even now at 48 I’ve only made a few attempts to learn more about him and haven’t got far. But as that child I felt that it must be my fault. (I’ve learned third through counselling).
    She is 80 now and we are still emotionally distant. She lives in Spain while I live in UK and she is the only family I have – I am 4th generation only female child with a father ego died or left before age 5. (If that isn’t trauma history repeating I don’t know what is. And it remains the main reason I chose never to have a child. My mother broke contact with my grandmother before I was ten yet continues to behave exactly like her. I knew someone had to break the cycle but my only tool was contraception. And I was right.
    Only after an na relationship/marriage have I finally come to the inner layer of the onion. The realisation that I will never have a life of inner peace until I not only understand my issues (I did this years ago and happily gave the n all the ammo her needed to twist his manipulative behaviour to being my childhood issues) but also heal them.
    I believe NARP is my tool to make this journey but my resistance to shifts is huge. I feel overwhelming emotions but absolutely no shifts.
    The nh’s favourite show stopper was “I’m not your mother” and, although I think the trauma from finding my father dead was massive, I am coming to the belief that the trauma of my mother’s way of ‘dealing with me’ coupled with her emotional unavailability was the deepest wound because I thin that had I been brought up with memories of my father being ok to express and unconditional love coming from my remaining parent I would have felt with this loss better.
    Instead I truly enjoyed the increasingly sexual relationship I had with my best friend’s big brother which started when I was 8. I sought sex from men of all ages after being raped aged 11, I only ever chose relationships with men who I knew it wouldn’t work out with, I’ve only ever had a small and ever evolving friendship group and when I finally met ‘the one’ – endorsed by all I knew- he turned out to be the n.
    And just in case I didn’t get what I needed to do for myself, life chucked one extra hint at me.
    I left him believing I was too screwed up to have a relationship. Two months later he was diagnosed with cancer and a month later he was told it was terminal. 5 months after I left him and only two months after I realised I’d been abused, he died.
    That was June 16. The flying monkeys surrounding his death broke what was left of me and I’ve been struggling since.
    I module but my resistance prevents any shifts. My resistance is self protection. I daren’t open up even to myself. I feel the wall building up and I so want to tear it down.
    Melanie, do you have anything you can suggest to help me thrive beyond keep doing NARP? Which I am but only weekly because the emotional pain cripples me and there are no shifts to compensate (I got the programme in May? June? last year.

    1. Hi Gail,

      my heart goes out to you – that trauma of finding your father dead would have been horrendous, and the disconnection regarding your Mum and missing details about him … so painful.

      It is so true the only relief comes from the releasing of those traumas. And of course, the painful pattern has been in place, generating relationships which are traumatic also.

      Awww gosh Gail, another significant man in your life dying, how painful again.

      Gail my absolute suggestion to the resistance is getting help in the NARP Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member and what we can help you do in there is target the resistance directly … and break it down … then you will be free to release the trauma.

      Of course its protection, and that’s so understandable – yet it is blocking the release. But all of that can be deal with. The most massive of defence structures can be melted down with NARP when we decide “there is nothing else to do” if we want freedom from the pain and our True Lives to begin.

      I hope this helps Gail, with help I know you are going to make it. Many of the Thrivers in the NARP Forum have also dealt with this. I did too with enormous ego blocks. It was a matter of going in and targeting THEM – truly.

      Mel xo

  20. Hi Melanie,

    I’m a little confused. My ex’s mom I thought she was a narc, but she’s not the type of narc that abuses them. She treats their kids as if they were kings, and everyone should kiss their feet. She literally told one of them that exact thing once. She makes them believe that their partners should do absolutely everything for them and doesn’t care about the other person. What does that make her? Would love your insight on this. Thanks so much!

    Much love,

    1. Hi Ane,

      the over-entitlement is something that N parents can grant. Absolutely … It is engulfing, spoiling, over-indulging. Make no mistake it IS abuse. It is living an extension of their own entitlement through their children. And means their children don’t know how to handle disappointment “accept a NO”, respect boundaries, have regard for others, or know how to self-partner and self-soothe. They will grow up – usually – as narcissists.

      I hope this explains.

      Mel xo

  21. Just finished the personality test and answered from the standpoint of a family member who I believe to be a narc. Scored very high on the test. Is it possible to create an assessment for evaluating family or friends thanks. I plan on taking the test for myself to see where I rank.

  22. Dear Melanie
    I am on the narp programme.started Feb 2017.
    I love to sign up with your forum. Need help please.

    I no contact with cruel ex malignant narc pyscopathic partner since June this year. I had to get the police to caution him to stop contacting me. It nearly destroyed me.

    I am selling my home as I can’t find work and limited income. Not enough to keep my home. It’s constant struggle financially. (Due to ex duping me financially) he took my car etc…

    I am planing to stay with my mother for a while!!!!
    Not sure what else to do. She is abusive at times on and off. . It’s like she has two personalities.

    I ended up in hospital last Christmas due to ex.
    My mother was kind to look after my two jack Russells. I took care of me. She not maternal even though she thinks she’s best mother in the world. I never felt loved by her emotionally.
    My brother took his own life, he had a narcissistic girlfriend.
    I was blamed as told by my father should have been me.
    My dad is a voilent psychopath. My mother is manipulative and emotional abusive with gas lighting, cognitive dissonance etc.. Childhood was toxic shaming guilt and obligation and fear based.
    Parents divorced when I was 14 years old.
    I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries and self trust.I was the scapegoat and codependant being the parent to my parents and two brothers.
    I worked hard all my life and did ok. I am kind and compassionate.
    My home at the moment has been my safe haven. My sanctuary my security .
    Now I feel it’s time to let it go. Not sure no plan b.
    Stay with my mother? For a while.
    Maybe I need to do more inner work to change my outer world.
    Your work your videos are great insight to healing.
    I love your voice so Soothing and I feel comfort and strength and connected.
    Thank you.
    Anna

  23. Brilliant video……I had the narc father but my mother had many of these traits as well. It was a hell life with both of them. Narp has totally given me an understanding of this and the Narp program has been brilliant in my healing of mother wounds. This program is Life changing. DO IT. My brother, the golden child, is an awful narc. I’ve done no contact with my family for years. I was the spiritual child and always knew early in my life there must be another way to live as I was so stuck in my life until I found Narp. This program is a must, there is nothing else to do. After 2+ years of doing Narp, I still use it when triggers arise as I evolve all the time. It will change your life if you do the work. Do it for yourself, there is nothing else to do.ā¤ļø

  24. Dear Melanie,

    Great video, also the Father one! I always seem to find a lot of information about N partners, but little about parents. And I feel that those two are really different, because growing up with N parents, you really do not know what is normal, and it is quite a journey to find people who can show you ‘normal’, ‘loving’ and supportive behaviour, to learn from. I just really did not know how the world could be too. Also it is still a great struggle to get people to believe me, because a lot of people do not believe what I tell happened, because my parents are ‘so nice’, and my sibblings say ‘nothing’ happened.

    You say it is not your problem who the next one when you do no contact. But what if that is a child, one of your nieces. I feel so bad to leave her in those ‘claws’. Her mother (my sister) was her Golden Child, so she doesn’t see, and I am not allowed contact with my niece because my sister (and rest of the family) says I am the crazy one sadly. Would you still say leave and let it go?

    Regretfully I have 2 N parents and I recognize so much from your video’s thank you for that. For a long time I have been scared that I was the one being narcissistic because that is what I was told. I did the test you have online and that helped m enourmously, i feel like that is a big step in healing already. (it said i was definately not). But I have been very ill due to that for a long time now, and now I run into N doctors all the time and get retraumatized a lot. You also say that we are responsible for our own healing, but sometimes you really need doctors right? And a lot of therapists do not understand Narcissitic abuse. How do I deal with these things?

    Thank you,
    Laura

    1. HI Laura,

      my heart goes out to you with the trauma that you have suffered.

      In regard to other people including your niece, we can’t change other people, but we can heal how we feel about it. That is the only real place our power lies. For myself, when I have fears or concerns about the people I love in my life, I know I cant jump in to save them physically, so what I do is NARP Modules on them regarding how I feel about them and shift myself to see them “getting well” “healing” “coming into their power” – whatever it is that I wish for them.

      And … invariably that shift for them happens not long after.

      In regard to doctors and healing – my take on this is so within – so without. We keep meeting in life the unhealed inner parts of ourselves if we don’t go inwards to them and heal them.

      I was told by doctors I would never recover. When I turned inwards and healed my traumatised Inner Being with Quanta Freedom Healing all my physical symptoms that were supposedly chronic, and that I was told I would be stuck with for life all melted away.

      My healing from N-abuse did not come from therapists, it came with QFH.

      I hope something in this can help you.

      Mel xo

      1. Dear Melanie,

        Thank you so much for you answers! I wil try to do the modules on my niece too, and work on myself more too.

        Actually your first sentence made me cry because in all those years no one has ever said that to me. Thank you.

        Laura

  25. Hi Melanie,

    Thanks for sharing your videos.
    Iā€™ve watched many on YouTube and this one was really helpful. I am a Narp member for about 4 weeks now. Slowly doing the modules when I have time so I can heal from childhood traumas and become the best mother to my 2 children. My mother and I live in different countries for 9 years now, but always being in contact. I always knew I needed to live far away, so Iā€™d be free to be myself. But I only found out about narcissistic abuse 4 months ago. (by watching another Chanel on YouTube) Everything makes sense now! Iā€™m happy and excited I found your program. Itā€™s been a long journey ( many years) of getting to know myself and be the person that God created me to be. (I know this journey never ends) but everything is more clear now and Iā€™m learning to love myself each day.
    Thank you.

  26. Thanks, Mel, for tipping me off to this!
    My mother is a COVERT NARCISSIST, who passed on her CURSE to my BROTHER who is now one, and he, in turn, passed it onto his FIRST-BORN (my nephew)!
    These people are ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS and don’t know WHAT SIDE IS UP!
    They have NO TRUTH and NO GOD in them!
    But BECAUSE they all AGREE with each other, they NATURALLY FIGURE they must be RIGHT when they couldnt be FURTHER from the TRUTH!
    And yet, they REFUSE to even LISTEN to it!
    They are straight up WICKED in their LYING SPIRITS, and ABUSIVE, GROTESQUELY UNFAIR and flew into a MEDLEY of RAGES on Good Friday when they could NOT HOLD BACK ANY LONGER as they saw I wasn’t PHASED IN THE LEAST by their lies and would NOT be DISSUADED and would NOT take COMMANDS from them but called them OUT ON IT, letting them know it’s a MULTI-GENERATIONAL CURSE, that they needed to REPENT, that their LIES will NOT PASS, that they need to be PREACHED TO, and I will take it to the CHURCH/PRIEST next, but that the TRUTH would be ESTABLISHED and that I HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE!

    They wanted to OUST ME from OUR FAMILY HOME as though I were NOT a FAMILY MEMBER!
    As though I were SOME DOG!
    As though I SINNED against THEM when they SINNED against ME, and I wasn’t having it!

    The PLAYED their TRUMP CARD, and I TRUMPED THEM with the TRUTH they couldnt take!
    So they FOUGHT and FOUGHT and FOUGHT for their LIE to win out, and try to SKEW the DICKENS out of the truth JUST so they can SAVE FACE
    and will not have to APOLOGIZE and be SHAME-FACED in front of the rest of the FAMILY!

    They do NOT even SUBSCRIBE to the TRUTH!
    Don’t even want to KNOW IT!
    They WANT the LIE to pass as TRUTH so they can go on LIVING in all their salacious GOSSIP and SLANDER and LOOK RIGHT….
    even if they AREN’T!

    I’ve NEVER SEEN any people MORE committed to a LIE than THEM!
    A NORMAL PERSON will ALWAYS SEARCH THINGS OUT to COME to the TRUTH!
    They will be DILIGENT about ARRIVING at the TRUTH!
    The TRUTH is IMPORTANT TO THEM!
    But I noticed this bunch SEVERED OFF ALL PATHS to GET TO THE TRUTH!
    They want to SNUFF IT OUT!
    Make sure it doesnt see the LIGHT OF DAY so NO ONE WILL BE THE WISER!
    They just want their LIES about me to PASS, and they all AGREE to just STICK TO THEM,
    and think they can CALL IT A DAY and that NO ONE will then even be able to GET to the BOTTOM OF IT!

    HA!
    They don’t know God and they don’t have the truth in them!
    THAT’s when I SAW CLEARLY, it’s a MULTI-GENERATIONAL CURSE, and it all STEMS from MY NON-LOVING MOTHER,
    who is very,very crafty… but hides it like the dickens,
    so she comes off looking like an honourable, kind, loving grandmother!

    The very interesting thing to note is that EVERY PROPHET…
    and I have travelled the world,
    and am a Prophet, Myself,
    so can only CONSULT with OTHERS at that level on ALL spiritual matters…
    they ALL SAW RIGHT THROUGH HER
    (when I never even MENTIONED HER),
    and they all called her the very same thing:
    “A WITCH”!
    What STRONG TERMINOLOGY!
    They would say: ‘Someone very close to you in your family…. a femaile… has been willing you evil all of your life! She’s a witch!’
    They didn’t want to HURT ME by stating it was my mother, but I would always ask: ‘MY MOTHER!?’…..
    They only admit then.
    They think I can’t take it… but I’ve known it all along about her games, and trying to brake my nerves; it fills her with glee!
    It actually makes her HAPPY!
    She ALWAYS needs to have a VICTIM!
    And since I left, she goes after employees!
    But she never repented or corrected her ways!
    And now, she’s 82, and she’s still at it. . . .
    People see her vice and EVERYONE lets her get away with it (those who see) just because she’s older, or a grandmother, or family member
    so don’t want to rock the boat… whatever . . .
    But God told me I need to call her to Repentance or He will hold ME accountable for WHY I said nothing!
    I said nothing growing up (that’s that not having a voice).
    Our parents ALWAYS told us to “SHUT UP”!
    They didn’t care about OUR needs, but theirs!
    They had NO TIME for us!
    But especially, ME!
    I was the BLACK SHEEP of the FAMILY!
    My mother HATED ME at birth, so my father gave me a variation of HER name so she would love me!
    – Didn’t work!
    She VOWED she would HATE ME all the days of her life, it is CLEAR!
    And she DID!

    So with all her craftiness, she convinced my small-minded brother there was a REASON behind her DISPPROVAL, when there is not…
    a child is never to blame…… I am SURE she didn’t want to have another child, and my father FORCED her, so she took it all out on ME!
    No ifs, ands or buts!
    Clear as day!
    So in HER small mind, she feels she’s JUSTIFIED to put out ALL HER HATRED and VENGEANCE onto ME because I CAME INTO this WORLD through HER when SHE WAS TOTALLY AGAINST THAT, and YET, I WON OUT, as she sees it!
    It’s called GOD’S WILL!
    But she doesnn’t understand that.
    AND… she REFUSES to DISCUSS things!
    She just CLAMS UP TOTALLY!
    SHUTS RIGHT DOWN!
    She is THREATENED by the TRUTH or she would be DISCOVERED!
    THAT would NOT BE GOOD!
    ‘CAUSE then people would TURN on HER who BELIEVED HER! . . .
    So she CARRIES forth the FALSE NARRATIVE!
    VERY VERY WICKED, GODLESS WOMAN, I have to say!
    NO TRUTH means ANYTHING to her!
    Just HER STORY… HER FALSE NARRATIVE… HER NEEDS… HER COMFORT…. HER FACE….. HER LIES TO REMAIN COVERED!

    I SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT and did even when I was 8 years old, and decided to leave her to God!
    I told God He knows if she is SINCERE if she says she repents, then to just forgive her,
    but I don’t want to be the Judge; I give it up to Him!
    I KNEW THEN she could NEVER APOLOGIZE for ALL HER WRONGS toward ME!
    Not a chance!
    TOO MANY of them!
    And I could NEVER remember them all!
    So.. He can just go by her HEART if she just tells Him…
    She doesn’t even need to APOLOGIZE to ME..
    I just want her REPENTANCE & SALVATION!
    – But to be very truthful: I see NO SIGN of it!
    Instead, her wicked plan just burgeoned and spread to her son who swallowed it whole and to HIS son!
    They have a WEB now of all their nonsense based on nothing, and you can’t talk them out of ANYTHING!
    They WANT it to be TRUE… otherwise, they’re TOTALLY DEFACED so can’t have the TRUTH come gushing out!
    NO WAY!
    ALL their EFFORTS are put forth on FORTIFYING their LIE and CUTTING OFF ALL ROADS that lead to the TRUTH!
    HA!

    This is their GAME NOW!

    But it WON’T PASS!

    I know EXACTLY what I will DO!
    ‘Because THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!
    And it’s ONLY the TRUTH I allow in My Life!
    And I will PUT IT OUT for them to DEAL with THEMSELVES!
    Voila!

    Best & God Bless!
    Love & Best!
    + + +
    xoĀ¬A!
    +Q-S/

    I Realize ALOT of People need to DO THAT!
    And they need to SEE it DONE!
    As MANY parents and family members are straight up ABUSIVE and that is a CRIMINAL!
    They just GET AWAY WITH IT because people don’t hold them to task for it!
    I HOLD a MIRROR to people to SEE themselves!
    And THIS is a DUTY I HAVE so they will be ENLIGHTENED, and I will have fulfilled My Obligation toward God
    for ENLIGHTENING them that HE will NOT ACCEPT THEM LIKE THAT;
    otherwise, He would hold ME accountable!

    So THIS is what I am doing NOW!

    1. Hi Angelina ( what a beautiful name by the way),
      I always say that should be a test. For me to be a parent MUST be a privilege and NOT a birth right.
      The test must be forcing you to do it, by LAW when you want to do children. An other test must be done every 2-3years in the whole f@cking family for the well being of the kids. If you don’t fit for a parent then the KIDS MUST removed away from the parents. If the parents are abusers must be imprisonment for years.
      Like any common criminal. I don’t believe that is a hard- core measurement but a must-do one like the laws about adoption. Those kind of “Mothers/ Monsters” must to do serious prison time – and then they will have A LOT of time to think and realize ( I am sure about the second one) for their wrong doing to their kids. The best silent treatment back in their faces. No contact is the best contact.

  27. This video is divine intervention . Thank you melanie. I have just recently had a conversation with my mother re Christmas. Presently I am doing low contact. ..it helps because I get the silent treatment anyway. …it used to torture me but now it helps…I still feel I have to do the right thing though but you can guarantee when I do it all gets ugly…anyway the conversation turned into one of my mother’s head mashing ways of relating all designed to push my buttons but thankfully due to you melanie I am learning and didnt get pulled in…anyway I decided why would I put myself in the lions den AGAIN because guaranteed I will be obsessing drained and ill after I have seen her so I made a decision to say no to the Christmas not that I was invited I was just trying to do the right thing…anyway her behaviour changed my mind. I had just been reading about No contact. I joined NARP in March but was just too ill to cope..anyway when I read that I thought I can’t do no contact she is my mother. I had decided yesterday no contact is my way forward now but was still struggling with well shall I just send cards…even that can cause head mashing texts and conversations. .so anyway I was wavering a little. After hearing this today I absolutely feel OK and validated that it is ok in fact it is imperative that I honour self. THANK YOU SHINING LIGHT MELANIE X

  28. Hello Melanie!

    Thank you so much for addressing this topic. I was born and raised by a narcissistic mother AND PTSD war veteran stepfather. I am the Scapegoat, while my sister is the Golden Child. We grew up in manic violence, slippery falsehoods, crossed boundaries, denial of true feelings, and the lack of discernment of internal feelings.

    I’m writing to let you know that NARP has been my life line since July 2018. I am now 48 year-old. I’ve
    spent my entire life, like a detective, searching for real proof that what happened to me DID IN FACT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Now, the power to name and claim my truth for the first time in my life has been, well, beyond a God-send. It took a severe breakdown for me to finally meet you, Melanie.

    My healing from narcissistic parenting is a work in progress. I made adjustments in using the NARP modules, and I’ve recently moved to the Self-Empowerment Program. Now I use them both at the same time.

    The paradigm is the same, but the language changes. For example, a person healing from a narc lover might envision their experience as having been a vampire’s prey. Well, to me, my narc parent is not a vampire so much as, more like a cannibal. This has to do with children’s inner identity not forming.

    I love the Harry Potter books and movies. There’s a scene in which Harry’s arm bones have been melted, and the school nurse must “grow them back”.

    That’s how healing from narc parenting feels. I had to name and claim what happened, those traumatic feelings, and then get to a place where I can safely, in love, “grow my Self”.

    Thank you with all that I am! Congratulations on your new BEST SELLER book! Go Lady!

    Love,
    Jill

    1. Hi Jill,

      I am so glad you have been able to claim and be there for your inner child and help her grow and heal to wholeness.

      Thank you for your lovely well wishes and sending you continuous love, healing and breakthroughs.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  29. Dear Mel,
    After a lot of NARP that’s exactly where I’ve got to. I realise it all stems from her. What I took to be a relatively normal upbringing, in reality was anything but and all the problems I’ve had are on her and not because I am defective in some way. I’ve realised that in every single human relationship I look for her, hoping this time she’s going to see me and love me but it always turns into use, abuse and heartwrenching betrayal. NO MORE!
    For a start I’ve gone no contact and have no guilt whatsoever, I don’t miss her and she has recently done awful things which have shown her true colours to the whole family, so no worry there either.
    I’ve already shifted some trauma regarding her using the NARP modules but I’m going to get your new program aimed at this in particular.
    I am so tired of this pattern I have cut myself off from all the “friends” who weren’t and am not looking for a partner or more friends for now so I am almost entirely alone in the world but I’m ok with it, as let’s face it, I don’t do this crap to myself, I am nice to me and I really needed the break from it all but it would be good to be able to connect with a different kind of people. Working on the codependent thing and boundaries too.
    These traumas are harder to dig out and to access though, as they are so familiar and ingrained. It’s a job to see them as not part of you as they have shaped your reality for so long and you kind of don’t know who you are without it. Never mind, upwards and onwards towards truth and freedom.
    In a strange way Melanie, you do for us what a loving mother should do, always encouraging, pushing, giving us the means, helping us and wanting with all your might for us to grow into happy, capable, healthy, strong people living to their full potential. You show a real and honest example and make all this easily accessible to us when we need it, like always being there for us. It is your voice I hear helping me when I need reminding things or things present themselves I need to deal with or when I’m in “wrong town” haha! It is such a gift and blessing in my life, thank you.

    1. Hi Angelique,

      This is so good that you have detached from her and others who arent healthy for you, and that you are healing.

      Please do know that you are doing an amazing job, and I have no doubt that you will break through to real, fulfilling and healthy relationships which mirrors the devoted self-partnering that you are doing with yourself.

      The TFFOW course will be really beneficial for you.

      Angelique please know that the NARP Forum is such an incredible place to get support and to help you ferret out beliefs and traumas that will help you generate your freedom.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Iā€™m so pleased I have the honour to help you on your journey.

      Continued love and blessings to you.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  30. Dear Melanie,
    I appreciate this video so much. I physically moved away from my mother in my early 20’s, maintaining contact though, seeing her twice a year. *I did not realize she has severe NPD until I was 46.* (Thanks to continued decades of reflection and self-investigation.) I have worked so hard on myself, had deep depression until my mid-30’s, solid PTSD (or PTS) for decades (evolved & better now), and I live with M.S. as a life condition (this one is a lifetime assignment). I am an empath (groomed to be an empath), and I was a target for the rage and verbal cutting for decades. I always took the blame. It is only recently I realized that I am not the one with the disorder. I have yet to fall in love in my life, and I have no children– but I finally have a lighter, cleaner understanding of myself and real room to invite them both into my life. Thank you for all of your enlightened work. I may not have all the things in life that others have, and yes I have a lifetime disease, but I am the most free I have ever been. Thank you for all of your wisdom– it gives me paradigm and terminology for things I thought were my fault my whole life.
    Blessings to you and us all!
    Hannah

  31. This video is incredible! Really got so much from this, thank you! Iā€™ve gone zero contact with my mum for two years now. I relate to most things written up about narcissistic mothers and the experiences of the daughters, and yet, what I donā€™t see being talked about is the crippling self doubt ā€œbut is/was my mum a narcissistic or am I making it up? Is anything really all that wrong or am I just attention seeking? She isnā€™t doing anything easy for me to pull her up on now, sheā€™s selfish and always leaning heavily on me, but she isnā€™t abusing me NOW in an obvious, tangible way, so why donā€™t I have a relationship with her?ā€ Itā€™s this awful self doubt that I was abused at all thatā€™s so hard to get unstuck from, a deep deep need to have it validated so I can own my decision and feelings. I openly say the words ā€˜my mum raged on me and beat me, my mum cried on me and said she couldnā€™t survive without me, my mum beat me and then brought me gifts, my mom never showed any affection and the only love she showed was gushing praise of how special I am, my mum since the break in contact tells my siblings I am mentally ill, I am confused and abandoning her for no reason, my mum always comes to my rescue in my hour of need but diverts the attention to her ā€˜but in MY childhood etcā€™ and then gets deeply moody if our family doesnā€™t cater to all her whims. My mum calls my dad stupid, pathetic, useless, no good in front of us. And yet, and yet…I know all this to be true, but I STILL am unsure if itā€™s wrong, ever happened or Iā€™m lying, was I really abused? Am I just confused and a drama queen seeking attention? THIS constant doubting my own thoughts and feelings and memories and choices is sometimes what holds me like glue to guilt and confusion and faking back into being my mothers saviour.

  32. Wow. I still remember the day when i realized the similarities in my partner and my mother. I thought gees… i survived her for 17 years before i had to walk away and now i have a child to a man who is even worse than she was. I am still abit confused about how i got into this double trouble but it is real as so i have to chin up and deal with it now that i have 2 children and 2 successful businesses supporting local mums to financially support themselves, i am not in a viable position to just up and leave. I am very resilient these days but still need “heal” at some point. I feel i want to help “heal” the narc father of my kids too as he it within him to be better than he is and most of his underlying motivation is fear based i feel within himself. Time will tell. Melanie is dead right. These narcs are originated from generational wounds and behaviours. I sincerely believe we all have to try to make better informed choices on both sides, the abuser and the abused.

  33. Hi Mel.

    After doing some weeks with NARP modules, due to my narcisistic ex who has persecuted and violated me Even After going no contact; it has come clear to me how Ive been absued by my narsissistisk mother, and being the scapegoat of all of the Family, all My life. It feels like a new shock and incredible frightening to see this clearly, but there is no doubt about it still happening, Even though I always believed there was Something terrible Wrong with me, why Else would an entire clan think this about me? I am wondering how to work with this furter, also because My mother owns the appartment I live in, threatening me to Take it away from me, if I dont continue accepting her and the entire familys abuse on me, giving me all blame, guilt and shame the family carries. IT feels so overwhelming I dont kone where to start, also Im thinking about what to do with the practicalities.

  34. Hi Melania
    I have a severe, covert narc MIL and my partner who I have two youngsters with will not set boundaries with her, and seems laid back about her but actually does what she wants all the time. He has started going against me when I even try to discuss her behaviour, and blocks all communication about it. His defences are too high. He has his own issues in that he had a ranting father, and then with his narc mother, he now has adult rages every now and then. Refuses to seek therapy for it and or apologise. It has caused me much emotional pain. If I leave him, his mother would jump at the chance to act like second mum to my kids when he has access, and I’d have no control on setting boundaries anymore, so feel they would not be protected. She hates me and violates my boundaries when I’m alone but acts like saccharin in front of my partner. But staying with him is causing me pain as he is not even at a stage where he seeks help or accepts who she is. She is quite terrifying, she even managed to get him to persuade me, I realised, on our daughter’s name, and took pleasure in telling me it was a name she wanted for her daughter, to send me a clear message she had in effect chosen the name. She plants many poisonous seeds in our relationship and subtly has turned her family against me. It is very covert what she does. It takes up all my worry. In the end, do I leave as I’m with a partner in denial with no boundaries, and risk what future damage she can do to my children (grand sources of supply whilst they are young and the ability to scare them if they don’t comply) or stay and try to get my partner to come out of denial?
    Many thanks
    Rach

  35. Iā€™m sorry. I found this a lot of waffle that is NO relief or comfort to me whatsoever. My mother carried out decades of emotional and psychological abuse on my father, brother and myself -AND SHE KNEW IT. Energetically speaking, it was like she abused us but then got right up in our faces and teased “so what are you gonna DO about it?!?!?” I could not humanly, POSSIBLY care less about ANY pain she may have been carrying, either consciously or otherwise – and the reason simply is HER ABUSE WAS CONSCIOUS. She KNEW what she was doing was GRAVELY wrong because we ALL saw her go to EVERY length ā€œnecessaryā€ to hide her behaviour – EVEN from her own parents and siblings. Watching this video only triggered me further – if thatā€™s possible. I feel awful saying this because it undermines Melanieā€™s suffering, her expertise and investment in her paradigm. Alas I canā€™t lie or pretend. The level of rage I feel for the ONE individual in the HISTORY OF MANKIND that was charged with providing a safe and nurturing environment for her children – is beyond words – and I’m good with words. My mother died of cancer – and that was FAR, FAR too good for her. FAR too good…
    WHY, as an infant, child, adolescent and teenager did I have to suffer?
    HOW, as a child DEPENDANT on her for SURVIVAL did I deserve this?
    HOW DID I DESERVE THIS?!?!?
    THESE are the questions I want answered.

  36. Hi Melanie.. As a man who who grow up with a narcissistic mother who was neglectful, abusive and of course abandoned me at a young age. I can absolutely see how her treatment of me led me to being in a 17 year relationship with a needy, entitled, narcissist now ex wife. I donā€™t blame my mother or my ex wife for their behaviour I learned to not accept, I have the ability to look at their childhoods and understand where their ways come from.

    A big question and my only concern now.
    Is it possible to stop this cycle of abuse for my son. Heā€™s now (10yo) he lives week on week off between his mothers house and my house. I feel he is moving forward in leaps and bounds. He was withheld from me for a long time after separation, also convinced of many things about me that arenā€™t true. He now trusts me again which I achieved by making sure he was strong enough to trusts himself. He notices her behaviours that arenā€™t right and expresses them to me. He points out the things that she said I was doing to her then explains she was doing those things to me, these things he only knows cause he was with her while she done these things. I never tell him the things that his mother has done to me as I feel that would be me controlling his emotions.
    If there is any websites or sources you can think of to point me to that will help me guide him the right way, it would be muchly appreciated.

    Thank you for your work in helping people heal.

    1. Hi Shane,

      yes most definitely you can lead the way and help your son.

      Please google my name plus “helping our children” and there are many resources which I hope can help you in detail.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’žšŸ¦‹

  37. I cried through the last half of this video. Thank you for the validation. Iā€™ve been no contact with my narc mom off and on through most of adult years. Iā€™ve also been in therapy since before my kids were born, but you were more validating than my therapist has even been. I actually was the one to say to her this past year that I believe Iā€™ve been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse after learning about it and following so many accounts online which talk about it. I had to block my mom from all my social media accounts the other day. I had been contemplating it this past year while Iā€™ve been limited to no contact with her, but my therapist told me she didnā€™t think it was a good idea. A few weeks back it was clear that she was wanting to pick a fight and then she wanted info from me about one of my kids so she could feel comfortable in front of her friends, and I held my boundary and wouldnā€™t give it to her. You can imagine how that turned out. I probably needed to go NC for good after my son was born, but I kept being hopeful with my own healing and boundary setting that things could be different. The problem is she canā€™t go more than a certain amount of time without stating drama, fights and criticizing me. I truly canā€™t take it anymore and realize now just how much damage it has caused to my soul. I think this will be the final time I grieve my mom. Itā€™s very sad, but I believe itā€™s what must be done for my own self worth and happiness. Iā€™m grateful to have come across your page today at the recommendation of someone on a fellow narc abuse survivor and look forward to learning more from you.

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