Hi KKWL,

hun, please come into the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where we can work with you to help you unravel all of this.

And if you are having trouble connecting please emails support@melanietoniaevans.com

This is the best place where we can meet and assist you.

Mel 🙏💕💛

if I could just get everyone else to get on board w no contact or if this person would die and magically no one ‘blames’ me (again I’m only one here who’s taken a stand and said ‘not ok!’)

it’s really really hard to face healing this when I’m still here at parents’ house still vulnerable and REALLY want this not to exist (as I have been able to accomplish when here alone by -not-healing it —-)

see the dilemma?

and thank you for all you do!!!!

just an addendum –

I don’t want to heal this and then have all ‘come together’ etc

I want to BREAK IT APART! that’s the energy I feel within – and in a positive sense

I don’t believe in or fully understand family structures as convention has it (there are a lot of things about human behavior I just don’t understand) I have no desire to have children – for decades I’ve seen the crap that gets handed down through generations and I feel fully ‘the buck stops with me!’ enough of this! I’m here to heal so much deep internal stuff and NOT to pass it on to another generation. etc

But I also don’t understand obligations or ‘duty’ etc – though I can certainly feel when another imposes it

I even outgrow friendships w very fine and wonderful people — and feel fully free to be able to grow and live like that (it’s peaceful)

but the family thing – it’s SO weird to me.

And time and again I know through other healers as well that one heal those old wounds, so the relationships can be ‘great’ etc

BUT what if that’s NOT your goal?!!!

love K

this post is so long — please bear with me ? : )

OK PLEASE help!!

So I have this issue – have been doing QH ALL weeek like hours and

hours and hours a day

Plus have been doing growth work for 30 years (came into this life

doing growth work –) AND last 15 -20 yrs INTENSIVE growth soul work

deeper level etc

OK here is thing —

There are 4 ppl in my life who’ve caused greatest pain – 3 are in family

(of 5 including me!!)!!!!!!!!

So one of them was always a ‘non-entity’ to me – looking back I never

really liked this person and I was a VERY strong being and powerful as

child etc and this was just a nuisance thing – like eh. Just didn’t like

this. Over time got REALLY good at ignoring it – like it wasn’t even there

– got busy in my life, focused on self and friends etc – and it really

wasn’t even an issue — never entered into anything.

Looking back it’s amazing how much of a non-entity it was – weaker

smaller just not even there. I always could never understand this person

just seemed odd and non-entity to me.

Later person went ballistic – but I was in college etc and REALLY doing

growth work on self developing etc. I was at parents house off and on

over years in between living abroad. I saw this person spiralling out of

control and would just mention to my friends: hey! let’s send some light

energy – and that was about it. I mostly don’t even know all that

happened – never interested me.

At one pt I was at house (called here by my soul/spirit) and I witnessed

terrible abuse attach weird thing between 2 of the family members. I saw

the one suffer terribly (no one else seemed to notice) things were not

“normal” – lots of screaming etc But it just didn’t affect me. I was very

strong and separate from all of it and not attached. I looked at the

person suffering and wondered: why doesn’t she just detach??? She is

dragging self through this — WHY?? and then suffering terribly alone and

no one sees it (I did)

Then I was abroad for years – and I never really had a connection of any

kind w this person – but (later I realized this pattern) every once in

awhile there would be contact made (not by me) and it was ABUSIVE!!!

screaming – just CRAP! And I always saw: this person has problems and

is dumping them – and that is NOT ok. But It was so intermittent and I

was FAAAR away and never really interested anyway — years would go

by with nothing — so I always “got over it” (with help from friends and

healers) and would forget (again a ‘non-entity’)

Then I came back to US and was quite broken down (deep healing junk)

anyway – this person was here I was at parents’ house and (as usual I’d

forgotten about intermittent junk) — there was a real sense of

‘obligation’ to hang out w this person — and I didn’t really know anyone

plus had been gone for so long, it was like: eh? why not????! (no good

reason not to — and I could feel intense feeling of ‘obligation’ from him —

he has VERY different worldview from me) I DO NOT believe in

obligation etc

I’m very sensitive and in-tune and when i’d spend time there I would

leave and feel just ‘uck’ like ‘yuck’ and sort of dragged down – bit

disjointed — like this is not ‘my life’ but it seems like one is ‘supposed’

to do this (have contact) and again “why not??” (seemed no good reason

not to)

We don’t really have common interests etc – I don’t relate to the friends

etc — and it often just felt ‘invasive’ (he’s quite inappropriate ) and I

don’t like that — and it was just a sort of nebulous feeling of : ugh, I

don’t really like this (like when you decide to eat fast food and you

think it’s going to be good and nourishing, but then afterwards you feel

not so well –)

And werid abuuse junk would come up – once he just started

SCREAMING over phone – I was feeling very strong and in my power

and I just held phone away in wonder – like WOW! this person is going

OFF and it has NOTHING to do w me – this person is DUMPING

unconsciously his junk — and that is not ok. I held phone away – cld

hear non-stop screaming then it got quiet, phone back to ear. “you still

there?” Yes – screaming continues – hold phone away again and

eventually call ends.

This kind of weird junk would happen — and in between it was like

“normal” ( but in the ‘normal’ i never really ugh I don’t know) —

This junk was not ok and so I began to distance self. I noticed where it

would happen and began to pull back — gradually over time I pulled

back and back and back until it was JUST email and then he

complained about that – and I laughed a bit to self thinking: this is all I

have left bc everything else is abusive.

I never said anything I just kept pulling back. Had an accident and had

to move back to parents’ house. I wondered what ‘obligation’ do I have

to this person?? I figured it was done in childhood and now there was

none. I attended one last event (not specifically stating this) but that

was my last thing so to speak and I peacefully (for me) ended it there –

freed self from any further ideas of ‘obligation’ etc and was quite

peaceful about it – felt good (and it had already been years of pulling

back from a situation that was NEVER connection to begin with!)

Years went by – if he came to house I would just disappear and wait to

return. Sometimes I’d hear the voice and get a bit nostalgic like it might

be nice to go talk – but then I’d remember how it never really went well

(like super gross fast food – looks good feels UGH )

So it was really peaceful. I didn’t make an announcement about this – I

figured everyone would clearly see we have NO connection (and never

really did) I respected it – I assumed everyone did.

Then something happened – years later and it was EXTREMELY painful –

it came at a moment when I was SUPER down and vulnerable – like

TRULY!!! And it was a full-on attack. It felt just like a machine gun

non-stop fire.

I was blindsided – I had NOT expected this AT ALL!!! I’d respected the

space – never inquired about him etc – but quickly realized HE had

NOT! (apparently he didn’t get the memo from all of life that we really

have NO connection) He had loaded up SOOO much ammunition and

was extremely angry about horrific things – it was INSANE

and since I was blindsided and very low – I went into survival mode. I

am very sensitive and can always feel the other person is in PAIN! this is

coming from that – At that moment I feel “I can handle this!” I can take it

etc — I speak VERY calmly and I work desperately to calm the whole

thing down – to get the abuse attack to stop

Anyway long story short – it was AWFUL! The acute pain lasted 10 days

– sort of totally immoblized. And guess what? Not only was I really low

and vulnerable BUT my healers that I count on were unreachable exactly

then!!!

I had to go within and kept asking: what is the truth here? Eventually it

came down to a small still voice saying “I do not like him”

I made MANY MANY decisions about this. I NEVER EVER EVER wanted

this to EVER happen again. Abuse like this is NOT my reality it’s not my

life and I was unprepared. I was not ready for a fight – I NEVER thought

about this person and to me it had ended years and years ago

I also must say I find him stupid – not to see we have NO connection

whatsoever – and yet to mine other family members for information (and

they gave it!! complaints etc) THAT BURNS MOST!

I thought: well this happened bc I ‘got over it’ and forgot about him! I

was TOTALLY unprepared

I liken it to someone who’s minding her own business walking down

street and gets viciously attacked for no reason —

Clearly HE had been gathering ammunition – but I had NONE loaded up

(and believe me – there would’ve been PLENTY of things to shoot back

or even to calmly point out IF I had cared and prepared and ever

THOUGHT about it!!!

But I never did because it was ‘out of my life’ etc and very peacefully so ! I was SO happy with the way I had ‘ended’ things organically and on a positive note !

This made NO sense was totally bizarre and came at a time when I was ALREADY broken down and trying to heal SOOO many things. Just shitty

Over next 6 yrs I endeavored NEVER to forget how awful he was – this happened YEARS after I ended things and that’s what scared me. Thnking abuse violent screaming like machine gun attack cld happen made me decide I had to REMEMBER ALL THE TIME how AWFUL this person is!! Just at least remember: he’s NOT normal (this is tiring for me. I am not a policeman of ppl in my life. I choose to hang out w people who don’t dump on others, who are all working on themselves

I watched reality tv to try to learn about FIGHTING!! and in careful inspection I learned i am NOT a fighter – at all! I’m a healer — when attacked I ALWAYS see pain in other person and at that moment i forget about myself (think I can handle it) and go to the emergency to calm it —-

then collapse

I watched reality tv stars fight and TRIED really hard to learn that (like it seemed like standing up for self!) If one got yelled at she’d immediately turn around and scream some sh*t right back!!

But that’s NOT me – at all!!

It’s not natural and trying to change to become that seemed to take A LOT of effort. I had decided I needed to be ready to FIGHT at ANY moment — and that’s not natural and it’s exhausting

A shaman friend I learn from said : fighting is exhausting for ALL ppl

I said – I see so many ppl energized by it!!

But not me!! No way

Plus I don’t want to have to focus on this sh*t just because the other person has problems!

6 yrs went by — I’d worry about it if out in public — and when he came to house I had STRONG reaction – I would storm out of house and go stand on a street somewhere – even for 7 8 hours just standing there waiting til it felt ‘safe’ to go back. It was horrible – but it starts this pattern where i feel abusers get to feel fine and free and go and do whatever they want — and the ppl hurt have to change their lives and stand on a streetcorner cold etc

then the final snap came — at a gathering at the house — I was in a very happy space — SO many there such JOY! I was able to interact and sort of come out of my room (all these yrs I’ve been dealing w my own internal issues for healing etc)

At one pt I saw he was coming in my direction and I felt myself FREAK OUT internally – I quickly told my cousin and uncle there’d been abuse and they immediately were empathetic and supportive and confirmed that verbal abuse is horrible just as physical and they helped me get out of there and deflect/

Anyway – I’m going to cut out the rest here and get to the issue!!!

because there’s so much more to say but I just want to get to issue!!!

I came to realize he has NO clue about pain caused etc — and I also came to realize that I have to be EVEN MORE EXTREME and militant about cutting him out bc NO one else was going to protect me (including him — HOW can someone have NO comprehension of pain caused or things ended looong ago and act like I don’t even know – all’s FINE??!!!!) wtf??!!!

Anyway I cracked and finally all the yrs of junk poured out of me — I began to string it together and saw it was a PATTERN!! and the abuser-victim pattern was CLEARLY there — abuse, time passes I get over it, forget about , happens again, time passes I get over it, forget about it, things ‘normal’ for awhile happens again — etc

I saw it was a cycle BUT I had ALREADY done what one does in situations like this — I had ALREADY taken stand 14 yrs earlier that abuse is NOT ok with me. I had already had no contact etc — WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?

but for first time I told other family members and began to impress upon them that I cannot have him come anywhere NEAR this house. (I thought about getting restraining order – but rules for that are not easy here – plus it seemed overblown)

Afterall we are talking about one VICIOUS attack 4 years after I had no contact and then this terrible chance encounter 6 years after that.

That’s all there’s been in 15 years.

(and again before that for most of my life though he was there – there was no connection and almost NO contact whatsoever )

SO over time the rules got established —- and it took some PAINFUL experiences (breaches) for it to FINALLY SINK in to the others that I cannot have it AT ALL.

When I am here alone (which happens for months every year) this is not even an issue!! it does not enter my mind – it’s like it’s completely lifted off of me –

But when parents are here (other half of yr) and they go hang out or get phone calls — then it is called back up and I HAAAATE IT HATE IT HATE IT –

over time my reaction to them having contact w him has gotten stronger

I want ALL to cut off contact.

MY true deep goal is: HE DOES NOT EXIST — AND HE NEVER EXISTED!!!

(I am able to achieve this when totally alone and it’s GREAT!!!)

it;s even better than before abuse bc he;s TOTALLY GONE!!!!!! so there’s not that sort of ‘nuisance’ non-entity draggy thing there in background

~~~

In all this process one thing always stuck in my mind: deaths. I knew this could be out of my life EXCEPT for death – what happens then? That was the ONLY thing I could ever see in all of life in future when there might be issues

AND IT SUCKS!! but I figured – well – it’s far enough off in distant future I don’t have to think about it!!!

Unfortunately I got premonition 2 yrs ago of death coming — and this has generated much stress (I am very sensitive and have all kinds of other emotional issues here to deal with that I’ve been working my butt off to heal for years and years and years – deeper healing

Anyway the premonition brought this jackass junk back up!!!!! Bc now I feel I have to prepare for that. In preparation I decided I’ll have to forgo and skip any funerals – and again THIS SUCKS! bc it means I am not free but the abuser never has to worry he’s free to go where he wants – he does not have to deal with healing the pain he does not have to deal with fear!!!

I have also been aware this entire time that I AM CAUSING MASSIVE pain BY HOLDING ON TO THIS! BUT I made that choice consciously bc I determined my pattern was I’d heal, get over it, forget about it – not expect sh*t to happen

I decided the ONLY way to avoid ever being blindsided again was to HOLD on to the anger – and to remind myself CONSTANTLY AND ALL THE TIME of how awful this person was

I am fully aware that this has caused me to grow in HATRED and ANGER — it is feeding it!

BUt I did everything else “right” — and I had such a peaceful exit

holding on to the anger seems like small price to pay to prevent another horrific blindsighting — And I actually WANT the hatred – bc I fully believe it protects me!!

Before I was totally open and vulnerable – working on myself, working on healing my own issues – which meant I was EVEN MORE open when this sh*t happened

It’s been 9 yrs now of that approach – I feel an intense level of HATRED toward this disgusting person . I want NO connection WHATSOEVER so this means – I don’t go in area of garage where he once was like 10 yrs ago etc

I go ballistic when my parents treat him like everything’s fine – (I feel livid one of them never stood up to him for all the sh*t he did to her!! She claims to have forgotten ALL of it) This makes me livid! I saw it!

I try not to look at caller ID etc

And I noticed lately that I now cannot use the name (not just as name – but it’s also a verb so I change my own speaking pattern never to use it!) Lately I also cannot say the name of a month that is similar and only use the number. AND NOW I have trouble with the first LETTER!!

So I know it’s getting really intense

I have known for YEARS that this is coming up for me to look at and heal – I KNOW THIS

but I have NEVER EVER EVER even breached it w healers I know bc I am FULLY convinced that when I heal all this anger within then I will be ok and the whole situation will shift and everyone’ll have to hang out again

And I AM NOT NOT NOT ok w that!!

at all

And for that reason I have refused even to talk about it

I know how spiritual healing works

and I see from others and also on your site that YOU work really hard to heal yourself – feel and go through all that pain and then POOOF!! the ppl who engendered so much pain don’t have to do anything

The story of your parents freaks me OUT!!

You had to do all that work – and you had to endure all that and YES you get to grow which is great BUT
they are completely off the hook, didn’t have to do anything and now get the great benefit of your friendship!!

Are there stories that go differently?

Bc My goal remains: I WANT HIM NOT TO EXIST!!!

but even entering into healing — brings it up (whereas my approach the last decade or so has really worked – when I’m alone he is totally GONE like 100 percent!!)

I don’t even want this to come up to heal it

bc I am completely convinced that it means like what happened w your parents!!

No one else has ever held him accountable – they all don’t really like it but hang out out of obligation etc

The ONLY reason I was able to cut that out completely was bc I fully claimed this abuse and pain and SEVERE reaction —

it’s the one thing that FINALLY got this completely out of my life

EXCEPT when other family is around

~~

I don’t even want to go back to the way it was most of my life when he was there in background – a ‘non-entity’ that felt more like a nuisance drag and I was very easily able to ignore him

I don’t even want to go back to that — bc having this TOTALLY gone has felt SO freeing and SO much better (except when it comes up gets triggered by OTHERS!)

~~

Again I always come back to: my desire is he doesn’t exist and he NEVER existed

I want NEVER EVER anything ever — even if that means not going to funerals etc

~~

the problem is I see NO way for that if I go through healing!!!

what would I possibly have for reason to cut person out completely again?

(God i wish this were as simple as a break up!! I have never ever had to see any exs ever – and there’s nothing in future — and those are ppl I CHOSE!!!!!!!!)

that’s what I don’t get about situations like this : i don’t lke this person never did didn’t choose this and yet ppl I DID choose I’m allowed to remove forever and it’s done?!

~~

So here;s the problem! I know I need to heal this I know the anger and hatred are not great

but I have been SO willing to hold on to those as long as it means that this is 100 percent gone from my energy space (as it has been for several years now)

My problem is with other ppl – like when parents go out (I live w them) I feel SO stressed and anxious and FREAK OUT horribly. I also feel like it’s NOT SAFE – like I won;t go near the path they walk on afterwards til it’s had a long time to ‘clear out’ (the energy) I want NO connection whatsoever I have begged them NEVER to say ANYTHING about me etc

I want this person to know NOTHING about me —

I want NO energy connection or link whatsoever – this is extremely importnat to me

~~

and also I’m pretty angry that this dumb little thing – with this ‘non-person’ in my life (someone I never even considered but never really liked who was ‘just there’) has turne into this HUGE thing. And I know that the fear and upset I have are related to not having let go of it.

But again I’m convinced that not letting go of it is the only way to protect self bc

1 – I did everything ‘right’ – no contact

2 – spiritual healing means the problem is gone so what reason would I have to stay away forever???

it’s the second thing that causes me ENORMOUS stress!!!!

And when I read your story about your parents it hammered it home for me. Why do you have to be friends w them now?

Are there other examples of people for whom someone did not ever exist again after healing?

Also I feel I am a valuable person – especially if I do the healing and have access to even more energy! IT seems cruel or mean to withold friendship from someone if I’m an evolved spiritual being — not having the pain and anger of abuse as a reason. Why would I withold friendship then??

I do not see that readily in spiritually advanced beings —

I can keep self away and withold BECAUSE of the excuse of the abuse (which is very real) if I ever forget – the body pain and upset remind me!!! this sucks this sucks this sucks!! DON”T GO THERE!

and finally

3 I also wonder how much of me ‘not liking him’ not EVER liking him (like all the way back to those years when he was a ‘non-entity’) is related to issues which would be healed in this healing?

Like from another place and time

If those are healed and gone how would I ever say ” i don’t like him”??!!!

~~

I really need some help with this because I refuse to heal it — I mean this has been a conscious decision on my part all these yrs (I decided yrs ago NOT to heal this on purpose!!!!)

It is also so confusing that I’m allowed to sever ties completely with people I choose to connect to as an adult — but there’s no model for this (and A LOT OF expectation from ALL around of the opposite) for situations you’re born in to!!

It sounds like from your site that you only advocate no contact for narcs —

but philosophically I REALLY wrestly lately (and have been decunstructing this idea) of ties

WHY are we allowed to make choices for ourselves and then break those choices

but the certain ppl who are there through NO choice of your own — how do you choose there??!!

~~

I know this is really long – but I really need some help with this

This has been coming up for healing for years and years and years and I’ve been able to not do it

the reaction I have now to others hanging out there is so intense — and even still I refuse

bc I truly believe it’ll mean like what happened w your parents

AND I DON’T WANT THAT

SO these issues are big in terms of block (and I have already done hours and hours and hours – but I really hold on to this fear of what I ‘know’ happens w spiritual healing —

Hi Sandra,

By the time I started TFOOW I had already been working on my wounds with NARP for a very long time … and I was so READY to sort my Mum/Dad stuff.

Truly everyone’s experience is their experience and takes as long as it needs to.

What is important is that we settle into the shifting without having ‘being healed’ as a condition to love and accept ourselves.

And the thing is I still use QFH shifts on myself to this day … because of always wanting to eternally uplevelling.

I hope this gives you some peace and knowing our successful lives are simply about unpacking our traumas and bringing in more Source … and loving ourselves and that process no matter where we are on the journey … which is simply between us and our inner being.

Mel 🙏💕❤️

you said that it took you one week/few hours daily of shifting family of origin wounds because you get through shifts very quickly, so my question is how long is it going to take for us who work with TFOOW program (there shifts are 15mins long) and is it going to be equally effective?

Thank you.

Much love xoxoxo

I’m in the same boat. Pictures of family–do I put them out of sight, or look at them lovingly and relish happier times when we were younger and my mother hadn’t been successful in convincing them to turn against me? I know that was a process that took years, so healing can’t be overnight. I need to hear from you.

it is very true that there is a very real tragedy of narcissists creating narcissists.

What is also true is that those children who did not submerge their True Self and create a False Self replacement, despite being damaged as children, can as adults heal.

There are many of these people who have done so in this community – and this is where focus needs to be – on the pro-active work which can assist the horrible cycle of abuse.

I believe in and know that evolution, healing and liberation is possible for these people – absolutely.

Mel xo