Melanie Tonia Evans

Is It Possible To Truly Love A Narcissist?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 5
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Being in love with narcissist is one of the most painful things.

It starts off with huge highs because there’s usually something that is really attractive. It could be the spirited conversations you have, electric incredible sex, or maybe it’s the way you feel that finally you’ve met someone who “gets you” so completely on so many levels.

And often it feels “different” … in that there is much more of a connection than what you experienced with other people.

And it feels really exciting.

And even intoxicating.

Narcissists seem to have this bright spark to them, which often translates as a carefree, liberated “screw you” attitude to things. They seem soooo like their own person – confident, charismatic and firmly in control of their own Universe.

(Mind you this is not a description of every narcissist – but certainly is for a good proportion of them.)

It is easy for the unaware (and as yet unhealed) to recognise such people as “strong”, “capable”, and therefore a great ally in Life to have on your team; a person who will help make the journey through Life that much “safer” for you.

This “strength” and “power” that they tend to exude is often what we focus on and we don’t tend to notice the “devil may care” attitude verging on careless, reckless, lacking ethics, inconsiderate or even downright criminal and unhinged.

And we may not consider this question: “If you are so committed, connected, love attentive and sexual with me right from the get-go, without inhibition … without even really getting to know me … what are you like with other people?

 

The Highs and the Lows

That intense rush of “being loved up” can be huge at the start of a narcissistic relationship.

And, if it seems (or you have agreed) you are in a committed relationship with a narcissist, you may have settled in and decide you are very safe – because this person is very loving, caring, happy to spend time with you, interested in you as a person, has similar interests and seems to just fit into your life like a hand in a glove.

Or maybe that is really not the case … but you are so fixated on “believing it is so” that you have convinced yourself of all the reasons why this person is so good and right in your life.

Or you may be playing out a sex or a love connection with a narcissist who is not committed, or holds “the promise” of leaving a spouse … or maybe there is some other form of complication. These types of narcissistic relationships also have the “highs” right from the beginning, meaning there will be aspects that push a big “yes” button for you. But what you may not have realised is the narcissist knows vital information about you – certain levels of tolerances – such as “entering sexual relationships without exclusivity”, and this is important to understand … for this reason.

People treat us in identical ways that we treat ourselves.

Narcissists are the epitome of this – they are the one entity on the planet who tests other people’s boundaries and delivers exactly what you have “gaps” on.

Because narcissists are the ultimate Master Teachers (disguised as abusers) teaching us what parts of ourselves that we don’t love and honour, and the love and authenticity that we don’t think we deserve.

So, right on cue, the narcissist starts to play with and trigger our “gaps”, and that is exactly what the “lows” are about.

And this happens very quickly, because the narcissist needs to know your weak spots and needs to test them to see where you do and don’t have limits, and what you will and will not tolerate.

And the “weird”, “outlandish” and “bad” behaviour intensifies as the narcissist works out, and nudges further, what you will continue to hang around for.

And this is where the co-dependent gets so sucked in … (didn’t we all!) … with this belief “I am not tolerating something IF I stand up about it, talk about it, argue about it and lecture him / her about it …”

Or … “I really don’t want to lose this person, so they have a point. I really was wrong with what I did. I have to make it up to them.”

Either way the narcissist is like a cat with you as the mouse on a string. He / she can reel you in, extract narcissistic supply, and let you out again … and know that the abuse (yes it is abuse) can escalate. And whilst this happens, you will hang around and the narcissist can get significance as a result of ANY energy you expend trying to fix it.

Meaning, trying to lecture and prescribe to the narcissist to behave a different way … or / and handing over your own rights – walking on broken glass more and more and more – forfeiting “being yourself” in order to try to keep another person happy so that they will love you.

Let me give you some clean cut common examples of “lows”.

These include the narcissist …

  • Inappropriately ogling or flirting with someone else.
  • Discussing other people in sexual terms that create realistic suspicion / fear / feelings of betrayal.
  • Wavering between being totally loved up and infatuated one minute, and cold and dismissive, without communication, the next.
  • Being jealous, controlling, paranoid and suspicious for unwarranted reasons.
  • Making demands that feel uncomfortable, controlling, aggressive, guilt-inducing, or manipulative.
  • Making critical statements and having reactions that are controlling, out of proportion, childish and aggressive.
  • Delivering dismissive, uncaring acts that show no consideration for your feelings and are not congruent with words expressed by the narcissist regarding love intent and commitment.

Truly these “acts” that we experience and tolerate in the relationship, show us a great deal about ourselves, because the narcissist is working out and reflecting back our gaps.

A good friend of mine rang the other night asking for my advice and help about his new relationship.

His new partner had acted out many pretty horrible things with him, including telling him (apparently jokingly) that she would like to have sex with a guy that worked for him. She also stated that an ex-partner who lived in her street had a new girlfriend who she wasn’t really okay with – because she had always held a torch for this guy. She said to my friend, “If he ever meets me at my level of being evolved, I felt we could get back together again.”

(Yes, I can imagine peeps reading this – your “narcdar” is going off!)

My friend was still seeing her … and he was going down the path that powerless co-dependency can take us down with saying stuff like this:

“I would NEVER say anything like that to my partner! What was she thinking?”

I asked him why he would never say anything like that to a partner …

He said, “Because, well I just wouldn’t anyway … I wouldn’t even think like that – and if I did I’d never say it because she’s probably leave me.”

I challenged, “Why would she leave you? …”

He blurted out, “Because no-one should be treated like that.”

“Bingo!” I said “There’s you real question … WHY on EARTH are YOU still there?”

His answer: “Because I’m really in love with this girl.”

My answer: “How do you love her, when you clearly DON’T love yourself?”

 

The Loveliest People Get Hurt and Abused

My friend is a great guy. He is always respectful and thoughtful. He is peacemaker … the person who tries to mend bridges for people – the guy who encourages people to love and forgive, and someone who really doesn’t have anything bad to say about anyone.

Most people describe him as “One of nature’s gentleman”.

Yet, despite being such a great human being, it wasn’t so long ago he finally ended a relationship with an abusive woman after nearly 10 years together.

Many people would argue “It’s because he’s a great human being” that he was abused, because it’s a common belief  (especially in Abuse Forums) that “The nicest people get abused” and it’s totally because of the nature of abusive people.

We can get all righteous and scream and jump up and down about “How terrible it is that people take advantage of people! How dare people treat genuine souls poorly, take advantage of them and screw them to the wall for their love, resources and money!”

And I could say to my friend, “This woman doesn’t know how lucky she is. How dare she be so disrespectful to you!!”

But … if I just said all the things that “good friends” do, would I really be helping him? Or would I be enabling the false illusions of righteousness that “nice” people have … that goes something like this, “I am a really nice person who didn’t deserve this, and the world is filled with horrible people who take advantage of people like me.”?

Would I really be supporting him, or would I be helping him stay asleep to the true issues?

I’m not that kind of friend … because I know I nearly died when I stayed in the “I am a nice person with integrity and I got smashed by an evil abuser” mode. It didn’t heal me, and it certainly has not healed anyone else I know.

I am all for evolutionary relationships, which means helping people see their blindspots – because you want them to awaken, you want them to heal, you want them to stop living out the patterns that are killing them … and you fully invite that your friends and family would LOVE and CARE for you ENOUGH to do the same for you.

And this has nothing to do with “blame”. In fact this is not about sticking or assigning blame anywhere! Abusers are abusers; they are unconscious people who have severe inner wounding that they are never going to take responsibility for and heal. That just is what it is – and it is the reason they behave the way they do, don’t change, and won’t be held accountable.

But why – with all the potential people who are available in the world – did we have the tendency to attract them, take them on, and get stuck in relationships with them – even when the masks drop and the horrendous behaviour begins?

Is it just bad luck, or is it something much deeper?

I know 100% it is something much deeper. I also know that there are many people who don’t stick around when the masks drop, and even sense something is off and have no attraction to narcissists in the first place.

And again this has nothing to do with “blaming” people who have the tendency to get enmeshed with abusers. Because this tendency is to do with unconscious childhood / genetic and world-view programming that happened to their subconscious – that was NEVER originally their logical choice or “fault”.

I shake my head when people state self-examination is “victim blaming”.

Really … really!

This is about helping us awaken so that we can heal and save ourselves from this horrendous pattern that one day may kill us, and has been crippling our children and future generations. Not only can we stop that destruction in our lives … this also allows us the path to a life where we can truly Thrive, and generate that for our future generations.

If you want to call that “blaming” continue on … but I refuse to stop so-called “blaming” when it saves lives and helps raise the consciousness on our Planet.

Also, I would much rather risk losing a relationship with my friend by being honest to him than selfishly ensure I retain our friendship, caring only about myself, by telling him what I think he would want to hear.

The truth is my previous self was not one of these people who is immune to narcissists, and at this present time my friend is not one of these people either.

So this is the truth that I generated a discussion about, leading him in many cases to his own awarenesses about the following … My friend attracts women who are “crazy” and “fun” (narcissistic trademarks) because he had a very repressed and controlled childhood. These women represent the buzz of excitement and freedom to him. This helps him break out of guilt, regulation and workaholism – all conditioned programs from childhood of “You are loveable and worthy for what you do and produce rather than organically for who you are.”

He also chooses people unconsciously who are very damaged, who he tries to “fix”. This completely replays his young life with an alcoholic father who he was always trying to placate and keep calm to protect his mother, himself and siblings.

So the inner subconscious wounded story is this: “Dad (lover) if I can just keep you happy this time, and please you (take responsibility for your anger) you won’t hurt us, and I can feel safe, loved and whole”.

Not surprisingly, both women in his life were angry, reactive and unreasonable. And automatically my friend would feel responsible, and switch into his young childhood default programs of: “What have I done wrong and how can I fix it?”

This made his a sitting duck for abusive relationships, that would feel familiar, where he would remain unconscious and try to fix people who could never be fixed, and be incredibly abused and damaged in the process.

After the self-medicating of the “love” with these people wore off (because of their abuse pushing his desire for sex away), then he would go to his main addiction “workaholic” to try to salvage self-worthiness as an escape from the pain.

The bottom line is, until the childhood wounds get cleaned up – this is the trajectory he is on with no way off.

Truly …

 

Love Starts at Home

We then came back to “What is truth of loving her, when you don’t love yourself?”

We can never be with a level of love “above” the level of love we have for ourselves. We can’t generate it, and if we somehow do, we will always reject it and sabotage it. It will be uncomfortable and unacceptable to us, and we certainly don’t genuinely grant love when we don’t genuinely love ourselves (more on that later).

So his attraction and “love” for her was truly because she represented the ways he was treating himself.

My friend admitted to me, point blank, that he did not love himself; that he was continually running from his feelings of emptiness with working and wanting a relationship, and he admitted he was hungry for love.

When we are not self-partnered and not self-loving, just like hungry people if we are starving for love, we will choose “junk food”.

When I asked him what his inner dialogue was with himself, he told me it was very critical and demanding.

Then I asked him how he was looking after himself physically, and he said terribly – he worked 15 plus hour days (unless she was with him), ate takeaway food on the run, smoked, didn’t exercise … and didn’t really do anything nurturing or soul filling for himself.

There is so many “gaps” that require HIS love to himself, and if he truly did love himself there would be no way he would have even been attracted to this girl and her manipulative antics to secure him in the first place. And there is NO way he would be staying with the behaviour she was acting out now.

And many people could miss this … because my friend is spiritual, and really, really “aware”. He is amazing at manifesting money and business … but he is terrible at loving and respecting himself.

He got it … resonated completely and thanked me profusely. I had done my job of making the unconscious conscious. Now the rest is up to him, and I will still be there to support his choices regardless. The truth is he may not have had enough of the pain yet to commit to self-partnering and healing his young traumas that are unconsciously generating this pattern in his life.

As soon as he says, “I’m ready to”, I’ll send the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) to him. But not before – because it needs to be his choice.

This is the bottom, BOTTOM line … Whether or not you are abused has nothing to do with how you would treat other people, it ONLY is to do with how you feel about, think about, talk to and treat yourself.

My friend’s story was just one version of all of our stories …

Period …

 

The Most Damaging Human Illusion

The more I purposefully evolve myself on this Life Journey – the more I realise how everything is all about Love.

To me Love is this: Being in your own body as a template of Love – which means fully and unconditionally loving and adoring the Being that you are, the journey you are on, and the incredible ways in which Life embraces and is intricately connected with you.

To simplify  … to me, Love is Oneness.

What sabotaged this was “separation” … namely all of this …

“You are an unworthy sinner” (that ended your ability to love and accept yourself), “You must be told by an outer authority what to do or not to do” (that stopped you listening to your God Within for your answers) and “If you just do ‘this’ you will be saved” (which destroyed our ability to organically connect to Infinite Inner Wisdom and know we are already “One” with “All That Is” simply and unconditionally because we exist, and there is no “separation” to be “saved” from!)

So, we certainly have not felt naturally “like Love” … in stark contrast we have been drastically separated from the True Source of Love. Then we have desperately tried to get it from outside of ourselves – because we were taught inside ourselves is the last place it would be.

So, ego was born. A False Self. Many people think ego was a design for “survival”, yet it is so much more than that … It’s a constructed “identity” that had to be all sorts of things in order to be worthy of love. Because rather than just know ourselves organically as “love” there was now a “requirement” – we had to “earn” love – we needed to appease others, seek approval, look a certain way, be smart enough, thin enough, funny enough, wealthy enough, popular enough, powerful enough, compliant enough … whatever it is that the bottomless pit of an insecure or tyrannical ego demands more of.

Yet, we can never appease an ego who, despite every acquisition or state, will always default back to “I am never good enough”.

Because of the disconnection between Self and Self.

This is why my Thriver Orientation is all about reversing all of that. It’s about “coming home” to ourselves; which is done through essential self-partnering – clearing the traumas and false illusions in order to reconnect back to Source and Love Within.

 

“I Gave the Person So Much of My Love”

I hear this occasionally in this Community – “I was loving, I was giving. I refused to give up on us, and I was committed and faithful but he / she wasn’t”. Outside of this community, in standard Abuse Forums, this belief is held up like a badge and is used as the most common argument as to why abusers are such horrendous people, and why loving people are a total, senseless, powerless victim to abuse.

I’m going to share with you the truth about this – what you were doing wasn’t “love” … I promise you … and before you want to rip my head off and scream down my throat, hold up and read on.

When we track through our bodies (self-partner) and find the inner wounds related to, “I was giving all this love, and you weren’t loving me back the way you should have” – we discover there is not a mature adult “being loving” who was in charge. What we find is a young inner child incredibly wounded trying to “give love to get safety”.

We were showing up in abusive relationships from a previous emotional container of, “If I just keep giving and I somehow appease you, you may stop hurting me, and this time it’ll be different and I’ll be safe.”

In abusive relationships we are replaying subconscious childhood scripts. And because we are still unconscious we have not realised yet that the narcissist is the messenger of our wounds – the outer force carrying the identical energy of our “shadow” in order for the unconscious to become conscious so that we can finally release and heal that trauma from our Energy Field.

Rather, we have assigned the abuser as “the parent” to grant us relief from the wound this time. And just like the parent, this unconscious person is not capable. Until we wake up from our own unconsciousness we will do everything to try to force them to be our saviour – rather than realise the only person who can be our saviour is ourselves.

Often we try to force this person by giving more and being more “loving”.

Yet, love is not an energy that comes from “neediness” or “requirement” (subconscious or not) and it doesn’t come from “trauma”. That is fear – it’s not love.

True Love is not a replay of the childish version of attachment we all went through – meaning “these people are totally necessary for my survival, sense of self and life.”

As children we were powerless and totally co-dependent on others. As adults we need to heal our childhood traumas, that have stunted us from being a healthy Source to Self, and grow ourselves out of attachment dependencies in order to make choices from a full and healthy emotional container …

So that we are no longer brainwashed into believing acts of fearful emotional survival are really “love”.

I promise you this – if what you were giving was REAL love then you would not be devastated if it wasn’t returned, or even if that person decided to leave you, or if you decided that person wasn’t healthy for you – because real love for another person is this:  “I honour you and allow you to be fully yourself, in whatever way you choose, because I truly Love you.”

True Love is unconditional.

People struggle a lot with the meaning of “unconditional love”. People even state this is some sort of “love and light, New Agey and fluffy” term …

In other words people think it’s about turning blind eyes, letting people walk over you and never having limits.

No it’s not! Absolutely if you love yourself you will not be abused. People’s opinions can’t affect you because you don’t have a fragile insecure ego, and if abuse crosses your path you detach and walk away and set your limits that honour how you really feel about yourself. There is no need to hook in, argue, or change people’s perceptions of you.

Think about this – if you need to make someone your project and change them to the appropriate ability to give you love in order for you to “love” them – then that is not “love”.

Instead if things aren’t healthy, real love states – “If I can’t stay congruent to my values and lifestyle with you, I love you enough to set you free to be with who and what is a match for you.”

And if things aren’t “perfect”, real love may state, “I accept you and love you as you are, and I will be me fully. If you rise up as a result of my example … wonderful … but if not I love you anyway.”

True Love does not need, demand, control, own or subjugate in any way … (Interesting how the man-made version of “God” applies all of these conditional versions of “love”).

Naturally, there is no way for you to be True Love to another person until you are True Love to yourself. Because if you were an embodiment of True Love – you would not demand they love you, you would not try to change them to the version of themselves you think they should be to love you, and you would not be horrified if there was no potential for you to be compatible enough to continue being together.

Additionally, if we are self-partnered and “full” and whole then there is not the needy requirements of approval and attention. Then organically we seem to receive an abundance of approval and attention without even needing it.

The reason being, is because we are living a life of intense gratitude. We already are “in love” inside ourselves, and we then love any good energy we receive, which then generates “more” of that. This is in stark contrast to the emptiness of being focused on what “what I am not getting” generates.

And if there are times of need, we can speak up, we can ask for what we would like – loving, directly and honestly – still without the attachment or requirement from any particular person, knowing that we do have a world of resources available to us, as well as our own inner resources.

I promise you, if you are self-partnered and “full’ and whole, you will not be attracted to False Selves, because you are not a model of self-separation yourself.

Additionally, because of your self-partnering, you don’t delude yourself through neediness, and you don’t rationalise away gut feelings, and you show up when “things aren’t right”. You ask the right questions, trust responses and walk away when cracks appear. No longer are you derailed through attachment traumas which do not allow you to speak up for the fear of criticism, punishment or abandonment.

As a result, narcissists are “flushed out” very quickly because they are just as terrified by personal authenticity as the myth of vampires not being able to survive “light”. Narcissists are totally incongruent with the self-established frequency of love that we have inside us – they exist in a completely different Universe.

I now firmly know this – anyone professing, “I was sooo loving to this person!” was NOT loving the narcissist.

I also know this intimately about myself.

I had so much trauma and so many conditional beliefs about myself there was NO way I was in love with me, let alone capable of loving another purely and holistically. My love was, truly, just as conditional in its own co-dependent way as a narcissist’s was in their narcissistic way … all stemming from inner emptiness and separation of Self from Self.

 

In Conclusion

It’s so important to understand that even if you have never connected to loving yourself yet, and even if you have never become and experienced Real Love yet – it is Who You Are at your core. And there is nothing more natural, when you are freed inwardly of trauma and false beliefs, than for you to have Source flowing through you, as you, being …

Love …

Pure, True Love.

Your essence is Love and there is only Love … everything else has been a fabricated illusion of fear created through “separation”.

I have two beautiful girlfriends in my Life who model soul-mate relationship delightfully.

Both of these women suffered narcissistic abuse to the level where it nearly killed both of them. They were in their 40’s and 50’s respectfully and lost so much and almost their lives – literally. One through cancer that nearly took her out, and the other through being hooked up in horrendous abusive events.

Both of them today have wonderful health and incredible lasting true soul-mate relationships.

There is a distinct difference between intense narcissistic relationships that are designed to show us what we need to heal and integrate back to Love within ourselves, and true soul-mate relationships which show us the level of True Love we have become with ourselves.

These women both report the same things about their relationships: –

  • How much they respect and adore their partners.
  • That they know they are with their soul-mates.
  • Their partners’ integrity and how calm and solid these men are.
  • How the relationship just gets better and deeper in love every day.
  • The honesty there is in the relationship.
  • How when you are with your soul mate, you are completely free to be yourself.
  • That their partners love their quirks and imperfections.
  • How there is no insecurities, repeat disagreements, drama or power plays.

This I know about these two women before their men came into their lives – which incidentally happened in the most effortless and organic ways – they both had done a lot of inner work on themselves, to lose the toxic feelings for their exes, and to personally de-tox their own inner wounding … in order to become “Love”.

They had also learn to love and accept all of themselves, including their imperfections and all the things the narcissists had previously criticised.

Their literal lives depended on this level of evolving themselves. One to overcome a potentially life threatening cancer, and the other to stop being the other half of the magnet (fear and pain) of attacks and trauma that had almost driven her to suicide.

The first friend was given the all clear in her health, and in my second friend’s case he detached and left her alone.

My most favourite quote so far for all of 2105 is this one:

 

“Nothing ever goes

away until it teaches us

what we need to know”

~ Pema Chodron

 

These ladies learned what they need to learn. They took the message and the gift and ran with it. The message was about Love … it had only ever been about Love.

Our lesson via narcissists is to learn to Love ourselves, and to realise that when we awaken, there is no possibility of judging those who haven’t yet.

Because these ladies embodied and became these loving truths even before circumstances changed, the cancer and the narcissist could leave – and wouldn’t have until.

It is confirmed to me what real intimate love is, through viewing these relationships, and what I am about to say is one of the most powerful examples of the high vibrational level of these relationships. One of my friends stated she loves her soul-mate so much, that if someone else loved him more than what she did, she would bless him being with that person.

That is unconditional love. The type of love that grants the freedom and the space for Life to bless us with the level of the Pure True Love that we ourselves have become.

The ladies are loved by their men beyond measure, and they accept this love without fear and with open hearts into their lives. They have no fear of loss, because they already are Love. These men don’t give them themselves – they add to Who They Are Being.

Their lives are normal. They aren’t filled with drama. They have peace and flow. They both state that their relationships are “easy”, and the level of attraction, trust, connection and sexual computability is wonderful, and is like what they have never experienced before.

And just keeps getting better and deeper and more loving …

That’s a soul-mate relationship which exactly matches what these two ladies became on the inside …

Truly self-partnered to themselves.

And that’s the truth which exists for all of us, if we want it enough, and if we make it our Life mission to become the person we want to receive …

Which means fully mating our own soul first.

Because true soul-mate relationships require that level of self-partnering and self-love.

I would love you to join me in my next 3 hour free tele-class The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse in only a few days time, where you will learn how to heal from narcissistic abuse and come home to yourself at this level.

(Please note if you can’t make the event live you will receive a recording).

I look forward, as always to answering your questions and comments.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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68 Thoughts on Is It Possible To Truly Love A Narcissist?
  • wendy.neilson@yahoo.com'
    Wendy
    September 11, 2015

    Melanie I always grow and learn when I read your work. Lately I have been troubled by he use of the term ” relationship ” as it is used on this forum. I think the term “narcissistic relationship ” or ” abusive relationship ” are oxymorons. They can’t be both. Words have power. Why can’t we all agree to call them what they are ” soul contracts” “entanglements”. …. And reserve the word “relationship ” to honor the healthy connections in our lives? Blessings and healing to us all

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2015

      Hi Wendy,

      I am so glad you are enjoying my material.

      Thank you for your view point … I get that’s how you feel about the word “relationship” … and understand how you came to that conclusion.

      However, to me it is a platform meaning a “connection” that is not necessarily healthy …

      such as “what is the nature, quality or evolution level of that ‘relationship?'” …

      To me the word “relationship” doesn’t have the “energy” of good or bad … that is determined by WHO the people are Being in the relationship and the energy THEY bring to it.

      Just as the word “marriage”, in itself, doesn’t mean two people together healthily or otherwise.

      Plus from a writer’s point of view conveying a message with such a universal / common term being extracted, would create challenges … that I don’t feel strongly enough about the word being an issue … to work with.

      Personally, I’d rather focus on the context and the messages that are important to me via what my intuition is asking me to express.

      Exactly how you would write your own articles in the way you may feel directed to do …

      Thank you for sharing, and it could be interesting for you to investigate why that is triggering you so painfully and why you feel the need to change “how” people view and use that word.

      Mel xo

      • lstahl3@windstream.net'
        simon
        September 12, 2015

        Thanks Mel,
        In reading your work, I believe I married my nar , because that’s what my father was. Which enturn killed my mother by suicide. What I never saw was the physical abuse,but more emotional, n spiritual. . that’s exactly what I’m fighting for MY Soul back! Thanks for all u do.

  • etetlow@samford.net'
    Elizabeth
    September 11, 2015

    I have been playing with the concept of the love I believed I felt for the N. A friend told me they looked forward to the time when I said that I didn’t love that person anymore. For some time a feeling or knowledge has been creeping into my peripheral awareness. The awareness that it wasn’t actually love I ever felt for that person. It was more closely related to need. The statement that I was ‘giving love to feel safety’ felt like scales were falling from my eyes. Parts of this article have articulated that feeling that I had been having. I even felt guilty for thinking it as it sounded so cold and harsh and as though I am incapable of real love. (Probably why it sat in the periphery for so long, great, another thing to feel guilty about, just what I need) This explains it perfectly. I will be able to tell my friend that I can do better than saying I don’t love that person anymore, I NEVER actually loved them. That feels so good to say it. No guilt or shame. Finally after 14 months I am starting to deeply understand these articles. Before it felt like I was reading another language. I could understand the individual words but I couldn’t grasp the concept it was explaining. Yay for me, I’m awesome! ;). Thank you for this article. It covers so much I needed to reinforce. I am finding that everything comes at its appointed time, even healing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Elizabeth,

      I am so pleased this article has been another piece of the puzzle for you.

      It is so wonderful to be able to realise that it wasn’t love, and we weren’t capable of True Love at that point ..

      It is incredibly liberating – because we understand that it was all part of a perfect journey to love – love being the only destination … and that’s the one we are evolving toward.

      Bless you.

      Mel xo

      • julialyle7@gmail.com'
        julia
        September 13, 2015

        Hi Mel. I realize that I never loved him. I only did what I did because he made me do that. He still pretend to love Mr calling me all sorts of lovely names. I know he only wants my money and lucky i don’t fall for it. He’s now with he’s (old/new) girl friend. I also realize that if I still jeep on supply him with things ge needs I’ll never get rid of him so I stopped thats why he went back to her. I’m trying to get a place of my although the house is mine just to get peace of mind.

  • heather@webrelish.com'
    Heather Smith
    September 11, 2015

    Melanie,

    I love your articles and find them so insightful and helpful. They always resonate. But I have trouble with the concept of narcissist as “Master Teachers (caps) disguised as abusers”. I feel we’re giving them a special spiritual power and divinity that they just really don’t have and deserve, and that this is more disempowering to us in the long run (kind of like when we were putting them on pedestals and giving our power away in the relationships).

    They are simply not conscious enough to be master teachers of anything. I think “abusers disguised as Master Teachers;)” may be more accurate!

    Thanks for all your great work.

    • avesraggiana@yahoo.com'
      avesraggiana
      September 11, 2015

      No, I think Melanie and other writers and leaders in spiritual thought have it exactly right. They, narcissists, ARE our teachers, our best teachers because they bring us our toughest lessons. Just because we, as consciously evolving human beings, recognise narcissistic partners for the master teachers that they are, doesn’t mean nor require that the narcissists themselves be aware of the teaching role they’re playing. In fact, 100% of the time, they’re NOT aware at all.

      I think if we reflect on it long enough, we can all remember instances of encountering people in our everyday lives who teach us by being in the world, either in a positive or negative manner. They certainly didn’t set out to “teach us”, but teach us they do. Likewise, I’ve considered the possibility that by just being and doing in the world, I too have become the teacher for countless individuals, with no conscious awareness of it at all on my part.

      Lastly, I have no problem bestowing on my ex-narcissist the title, master teacher. Nor do I have any problem being grateful to them, loving them and revering them. I can feel genuine affection and gratitude to my ex-narcissist because of his role in teaching me one of life’s most important lessons – loving me.

      I can love my master teacher from far, far away, and I can continue loving him even if I choose never to set eyes on him again.

      If you perceive the words master teacher as self-disempowering, and bestowing on our former abusers divine qualities that they do not deserve, try perceiving the words master teacher another way. Coming around to seeing my ex-narcissist as one of my master teachers had the unexpected and completely powerful effect of releasing me from him.

      Arnel.

      • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
        Lucy
        September 12, 2015

        Interesting views. I’m with Heather. I view the narcissist as neither gift nor teacher. In my life, they (two, one a genuine nasty) were tests. Tests of my character, and tests that I failed. On the one occasion I have experienced the love of which Melanie writes (yes, just once and just briefly!) – the pure flow of knowing – I felt an immense gratitude for my life and a particular gratitude for that hard, intense period with a narcissist. But the gratitude was toward Life, not the narcissist. Life was the tester. Life was the teacher.
        Yes, I had lessons to learn and wounds to heal – and the narcissist exposed them. But it was Life that placed temptation before me and when I succumbed, against even my own better judgement, and found myself way out of my depth, it was Life that (sometimes in strange coincidental ways) led me out.
        I’ve always felt that those two hard passages were somehow built into the fabric of my life – regardless of whether or not I chose to take a narcissist along for the ride. They were my paths to maturity. I guess I will never know whether I would have gone as deep, learned and healed as well without them. I suspect that I would have.
        I agree with Heather, though, our gratitude is best reserved for the divine.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 12, 2015

          Hi Lucy (and Heather),

          it all depends how we see “The Divine”.

          I see the Divine in all thing and in all ways … I don’t see God as “limited” at all.

          And the significance truly IS with N’s when we assign them as “the person who destroyed my Life” .. the results of Ns being handed total power by victims is throughout Abuse Forums everywhere.

          And it is tragic how stuck and powerless these people are with this belief.

          That Makes N’s the “Gods” that False Selves want to believe they are.

          When we understand them at soul level as Master Teacher’s … we realise WE set that up – for Divine Reasons … for our own evolution.

          As the late Wayne Dyer stated – his Father – the worst abuser in his life was his greatest teacher. That’s an evolved man … who accepted and relaised “why” he chose his Father this lifetime.

          I for one (among thousands of people in this Community) would never have made it to the level of joy, freedom, expansion, gratitude, freedom and love (States of Divinity) without the Divine Contract that happened between me and N’s …

          Does that grant the N’s significance spiritually – absolutely … and I am totally grateful …

          So grateful!

          That’s True Forgiveness .. being able to say about someone … “Thank you so much for what you did.”

          Would their egos hate the fact that my Life is so wondrous because of the gifts I got? Yep .. they’d be mortified because of pathological N envy …

          And I would hope genuinely (If I hoped anything) that they knew and could accept my deep gratitude because it IS sincere.

          Because the entire world, including N’s needs MORE love and gratitude … not resentment.

          (And of course none of this would ever go on in person … because N frequency is not where I live or play.)

          What a shame people don’t really see the Divinity and get stuck in the ego battles.

          Not realizing that when you resent anyone or anything you only hold that poison within yourself and against yourself … and you are not free to love.

          Whenever we resent people they still have incredible power over us ..

          When we love them and are grateful that they helped show our unconscious parts that required healing – and we took that gift to free ourselves – then they have no power over us ..

          We have graduated Up and beyond.

          That is Love and Divinity and always what God intended.

          Not the egoic power struggles and toxicity of playing out “victims” and “villians”.

          Mel xo

          • naprowntracy@yahoo.com'
            Tracy
            September 14, 2015

            Hi Melanie – Just noting you seem to be engaged in a lot of defensiveness & arguing & trying to show people “the error of their ways” in your postings of late & as an outside observer(and triggered aspergery/ co-dependent who wants to “help” you -ugh when will it end 😉 I’m wondering what may be triggered in you that you are spending a lot of energy on this. There are a lot of defensive preemptive strikes in your blogs as well “don’t jump down my throat” “if you think it’s new agey”, arguing with that girl about the word relationship, etc. (or is this part of the non-codependent not acquiescing all the time bit?) That were not there when I started reading your stuff 2 years ago. Thank you so much by the way! Without you and another wonderful healer that showed up in my life at the same time I cannot say for certain that I would still be here – the level of Narc abuse was soul sucking. My hypothesis is that maybe as you become more successful and your program more sophisticated technologically you are reaching more and more people and you are having to deal with more negativity and personality disordered individuals? ( I know mY therapist said BPDs who are often married to NPDs have major trust/ abandonment issues and want to argue, poke holes in every arguement to see if it holds water and they can trust it or if it’s just one more person that will let them down – they cut off their nose to spite their face a lot so desperate is their need for control). or maybe you are taking another step back to learn something? I don’t know, it’s just something I have noticed and the incongruence of it keeps distracting me , so I thought posting about it might take away its power to distract me.
            But thank you for all you do – your words and wisdom and shared knowledge and relentless pursuit of THE Truth has saved lives and helped make them worth living.

          • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
            Lucy
            September 14, 2015

            All is well, Tracy. We seekers are only enlivening Melanie’s blog and inviting her to expand upon her insights (or not – as she is free to ignore us) and we wouldn’t enjoy it if we didn’t think she knew something that works and that resonates and that may or may not lead to new insight.

            Melanie: “…it all depends how we see “The Divine”…
            Exactly.

            You see, I don’t comprehend what it means to say that All is One.
            I never have.
            I’m ok with the universe as one organism of which we are minute but vital, inevitable components. I don’t doubt the universe arose in one and likely will return to one.
            But, in the time and space that I inhabit, the universe is not one. The universe is split, and that’s the reason for the whole thing. It’s the reason we can’t have convex without concave, or sound without the silence from which arises.

            Or mortality – without an infinite eternal framework, as well?
            I can be the sound or the silence. But I can’t be both?
            I can be alive or dead. But I can’t be both?
            Can I be mortal, and also divine?
            In eternity, perhaps, but in this time-and-space place?

            And the relevance, to me, is that this site is great therapy for the personal. Now and then, I prattle along here, and within a day or so I know exactly what’s eating me (and the last half of Melanie’s reply, above, is a cracker – absolutely 1000 per relevant to my whole last week).

            But, I find no guidance when it comes to the ‘other’. When people are very old and demented and there’s next to nothing left with which to defend themselves, you see so, so many sad things, so unnecessary. What’s theirs? What’s mine? When to intervene. How to intervene. To intervene at all?

            It makes me wonder whether the pursuit of ever-expanding personal joy and freedom is really the goal at all. Down here among the unevolved mortals, sure there’s bump and grind and resentment, but there’s life and movement and growth, as well. And there’s me, and there’s them. And I can partner me at any time. But, who takes care of them?

            I just wish I knew what people “know” when they envisage All as One – so I could know!

  • sunnysings@aol.com'
    Patti C
    September 11, 2015

    Thank you for this amazing article. I am 6 weeks out if a 5 year relationship with Ex boyfriend I feel like I have taken on some of his characteristics. I wasn’t this way 5 years ago. I keep texting him. It’s like a drug addict and yet I know he doesn’t know how to love. He didn’t need me anymore cause I wasn’t being the cash cow lost my job etc etc. all I want to do is end this nightmare and be on my way to a healthier me I’m done being disrespected and humiliated. I need guidance of self love to No Contact at all

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Patti,

      you are so welcome regarding the article.

      The addiction you are describing is one of the most horrendous symptoms of N-abuse.

      We are at present, in the Private Facebook Webinar Group, doing extensive workshopping with people around those pulls, and keeping No Contact, and the deeper healing required.

      I’d love you to come in to the Group and be able to soak up the information, guidance and support.

      By signing up to the Webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar you will get your invite to the Facebook Group and then we can get you in – as long as you have a Facebook account.

      I know it will help a lot, by putting you directly in contact with the help you need. What say you?

      Mel xo

  • ksenjapodpecan@yahoo.com'
    Ksenja
    September 11, 2015

    Dear Melanie,

    thank you for this article and all other article that I have read. They helped me a lot 😉

    I was just starting to work on my connection with my inner child intensivly now and I was questioning myself about the things you write about in this article 😉

    It is very interesting that when I started the narcrelationship I was guided by Divine to really start to love myself and to connect with my inner self (inner child) 😉 When I finaly connected I was able to leave the relationship and also he let me leave 😉 And I am so happy that I am free.

    Now I am healing myself and my inner child and childhood wounds 😉

    Thank you for everything 😉

    Hugs <3

    Ksenja

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Ksenja,

      I am so pleased this article has helped you realise that the most vital relationship we can ever have is the one between us and our Inner Being (Inner Child).

      You are so on the right track, dear one!

      Keep going 🙂

      Hugs to you too Ksenja.

      Mel xo

  • antoniodiezargos@gmail.com'
    Ada
    September 12, 2015

    Thanks Melanie for your work. I left you a message on the previous post. Neither i wanted to got out my mothers belly, she had an abortion two years before my birth. I come back home trying to cure an infectious disease and was unsucesfull. I was told that i cant heal myself, that i am crazy, silly, i couldnt eat fat. Then i went nc with my family and found that girl who i speak about on my last message. Everyone wanted to help myself but me . I o feel totally powerless, addicted to food, tobacco, stock games,porn…etc… I am trying to do inner work and find myself now totally confused.d with the ego thing. Do all the things that hurted me mean that i am that person?(silly, nongratefull, egotic….etc) I am feeling i could be the narc even. I am reading your two free Ebooks now. Do you sell private therapy sessions?Eebooks now.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Ada,

      Yes I remember your post from last week …

      The truth is there is an excessive amount of trauma within you – that is why you are suffering multiple addiction.

      Addictions are not the issue, they are the symptom. They are the choices we make to try to self-soothe the traumas trapped in our subconscious (the true cause).

      What is really necessary for you is to have a tool that can work on getting that trauma out of your body – out of your subconscious.

      That is the true path to healing.

      I don’t do personal sessions anymore Ada, but the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and the extensive NARP Forum Support is the solution and ongoing support system for you to heal. (as thousands of people have already done in this community)

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

      Also I would highly suggest coming into the Webinar Group http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where so many profound breakthroughs and healings are occurring, right now, for people all over the world in the Private Facebook Group. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      I promise you there IS more than hope.

      Mel xo

  • mycrewof4@gmail.com'
    Teri
    September 12, 2015

    Dear Melanie, Thank you for your insight and knowledge. I have been there and do not wish to ever return so it helps to know what to look out for although I am not even close to dating. There are so many things we neglect when tied to the narcissist throw in 4 kids and moving with the Navy. I have been delivered from a life of difficulty. Well life is sometimes difficult but nothing in comparison to life with a narcissist. I fully agree about loving ourselves Melanie and knowing ourselves. I am a Christian though so much of your thought there I do not identify with.
    I would like to say in love though that God loves us much more than we can ever love ourselves. I do not believe God condemns because condemnation is not from God but ourselves in our sin nature from being born in a fallen world. Yes if we sin then there are just consequences that the sin sets in motion. Still God does not desert us. God knew we would be susceptible to sin and set in motion a plan (Jesus’s death and resurrection on the cross) to reclaim us from the pre-beginning. God created us with complete love and with a purpose. Praise the Lord for he is good and His love endures forever. God is holy and can’t be with sin yet while we were sinners Christ was sent to save us from death (separation from God here and after). When we accept Chris as our savior we are forgiven of all sins past, present and future We can not loose our salvation nor do anything to earn it just trust it was done. It is freely given with love and grace. The Holy sprit is sent to live within us and guide us here once we are saved. You may see a believer sinning still yet for we are being changed slowly and everyone is on the same road but at different mile markers. Not everyone has a relationship with God either they sit as they were when they were saved. Taking the gift but not sharing his love with others. God sees us as clean through the lens of Jesus after we accept him as our savior( believe he did die for our sins and yet lives again) He paid for all our sins because of His great love.
    I think you are missing this crucial part it does not impair us but make us stronger, gives us discernment, and joy and peace in times of tribulation. I know this first hand. We were created with a place for him but if people don’t recognize God place they fill it with other things not always good for us. I know you care for us and I care for you. Teri

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Teri,

      you are so welcome.

      Teri I guess our difference come down to our belief in God. I believe God and I are One.

      And therefore I believe God’s love for me and my love for me are the same thing. And that is not “egoic” love … which obviously is a counteract for NOT loving self – which to me means “being separated from God.”

      I’m talking about Pure Unconditional Love …

      I agree with you about sin and consequences, and that is in God / Life’s hands.

      I do not believe we were born separated from God or born in sin … I believe there is no way to be separated from God / Self / Love / Creation – because at the Quantum Level that IS impossible (“sinners” included) … its just isn’t true vibrational or energetic reality in any shape or form .. which means that “the separation” is something we have been trained into believing is real.

      Yes genes of pain, and separation and fear (egoic fearful beliefs) are all passed on down the ancestral genetics … but again that’s because we were trained into separation for them to occur as a human race in the first place.

      Integration is what we have required, not separation. And more love, NOT less.

      I absolutely honour that Jesus Christ is a way to connect to God, but in no shape or form do I believe that he is the only way … just like I don’t believe that anything is the “only” way.

      I also deeply believe that Jesus Christ was an incredible messenger on the Cross, a total Child of God, .. his model on the cross is one for all of us. “Be with your wounds, stop avoiding them, scapegoating them and blaming them on outer sources … Be fully with yourself (self-partnered with your pain) and then you’ll be re-born without ego, fear, pain and illusions …”

      I believe we are all Children of God .. “Ye are all Gods” … “The Kingdom Of God Is Within” …

      I don’t believe Gods intention was ever about needing an intermediary … because he is already with us.

      At the Quantum Level he already IS us. It was from the Source of All That IS that we (and everything) came from.

      I adore God, and my principles and the NARP Program are all about this Higher Power Teri …

      That’s exactly why it works as powerfully as it does, and there are many Christians on the Program who have not just retained their view, but have also expanded them in Quantum Ways also.

      Its such a shame on our planet that unless “God” is done in the version that people believe in – people don’t believe people are in communion with God.

      Then you have to fix them, or you think what they are teaching is not “right” because God has somehow been left out of it!

      In fact (and I know that’s not you – please don’t think I’m suggesting it is) countless wars and killings have gone on (and still do) over people’s different versions of “God”.

      That’s another belief I don’t have – that a “set version” is required to be in communion.

      I believe people are in DIRECT communion with God … “Godding” … literally being the greatest service they could EVER be to God / Self / Others / Life (Oneness) – BEING God … every time their heart is open and they are radiating Love.

      In the simplest and most pure of ways …

      Whether they have just picked a flower, held a child, stroked their pet, looked at a sunset or spoke dearly to someone they love.

      Or (most importantly) radiated Love to their own Inner Beings, in order to be a greater radiant force in Life.

      Whether they practice yoga, chant mantras, read the bible, pray at temples or sit on the grass in the park, of “ohm” crosslegged on a rock … for their “filling with God”.

      Which to me means connecting to the God Self (God Within), and becoming the activated Higher Self of Who We Really Are.

      Being .. Beings of Love without fear and pain.

      I don’t believe “heaven” is a place … I believe it is a “state”, and we can all be and spread “heaven on earth” right here right now, if God is flowing through us AS us.

      I don’t believe that God is so “limited” that he can only be in our heart and our Life via a “specific requirement”, and I will never limit my version of God in that way.

      My God is everywhere and in everything without limits and conditions – and I adore accepting everything and everyone as an expression of Divinity expressing itself, because I know Divinity is all that exists.

      And, no matter what it looks like, for every soul it all leads unconditionally back to God, because there is actually no-where else to go.

      Teri … we may never agree … but let me finish with this. I allow your beliefs to be what they are – which means even though I don’t agree – I allow you to have them, and I have no need to change them in order for me to have a “whole” Life. And I certainly would not enter a forum of yours to push my views. If I didn’t agree … I’d move on …

      That’s not what a lot of structured religions practice … and our world and individual people would be a lot happier and healthier if it did.

      Because this is my Forum I have used this opportunity to express to many, not just you – totally what I believe about God – and I am sincerely grateful for that opportunity.

      Thank you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • randklma@mnstate.edu'
    Maggie
    September 12, 2015

    One of my favorite quotes applies perfectly to this article…’All relationships are based in love or fear.’

    Thanks so much for another wonderful article. As always it comes at a time when I need to continue to further my healing and inner work in this exact area. 🙂

    Maggie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Maggie,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased this article resonated with you!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • laurenguar@optonline.net'
    Lauren
    September 12, 2015

    Dear Melanie,

    Every word I have read of all your recent articles is what I needed to hear. From the astounding accuracy with which you describe my relationship of 24 years with my soon to be ex husband, to the unbearable pain I am still experiencing. It seems as though I have been put under a horrible spell, since I have also been discarded by my family at the same time. I’m not even sure why, but it has been years of exhausting explaining on my part which fell on deaf ears.

    I know you are right on target about self love and the depth of your understanding is clear and comforting. I need to turn everything around but I am so weak now from the destruction and lack of support. I fear I cannot motivate myself by myself when I am so far from self love. I wish there was a way to experience your program with someone to help me stay on track. I am barely living. Your intimate understanding of the narcissist , the. codependent, and the unimaginable pain that can result is actually the closest thing to a glimmer of hope I have felt. Yet, stuck in self destructive mode.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Lauren,

      I hear you … it can feel so exhausting and draining and like we have nothing left.

      I promise you this – there are two components usually necessary for personal catharsis (which is also known in real human terms as “rock bottom”).

      1) We feel like we just can’t do it anymore …

      and 2) We realize the changes have to happen INSIDE us for our life to change (even when we have NO idea yet how to do that).

      Lauren I promise you don’t have to do this alone – this Community facilitates unprecedented recoveries every day, with people who feel EXACTLY like you do right now … please come into the Webinar Group and start feeling people’s wings around you before you learn how to spread your own.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • mariekee2002@yahoo.com'
    Mary
    September 12, 2015

    Hi, Melanie,
    Your NARP came when I needed it most!! I was married to a narcissist for almost 30 years, suffering as any co-dependent would…not knowing how to heal. When that relationship ended with his death, within 18 months I was in another similar relationship!!! Without your program, I would not have realized all the work I needed to do to heal myself.

    While I tried to do “No contact” I kept failing to maintain it. But, something you shared struck a chord…you shared that even if we keep failing and having to going back again to no contact, it would get easier to maintain each time. It has for me!! I continue to heal the old wounds, and connect to my Inner Identity, and have been able to stick to no contact for longer periods. While I can still get hooked, I am no longer so reactive…and I am learning to love myself more very day.

    Thank you for the work you do!! Blessings on your continued Journey of helping others heal!
    Mary

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Mary,

      I am so pleased you found the NARP Program.

      It is so true, when we find the deeper reasons in our subconscious – it makes so much sense, and we realize that if we didn’t we would have been stuck on that trajectory.

      I am so pleased you are evolving yourself – the trick with No Contact, absolutely is to find and up-level the young, unhealed wounds that are creating the “reasons” to contact and then there will be no addiction / urges to fend off … rather a mature adult inner emotional container showing up saying “Pfff, no thanks!”

      You’re doing great Mary, keep up it up, and you are so welcome.

      Mel xo

  • julieanncolla@gmail.com'
    Julia
    September 12, 2015

    My own personal experience with an N woke me up well and truly to the fact that the only reason I was “in love” with him was because I had never met anyone more pathetic than myself before and it made me feel blissfully happy …. for awhile. Then it made me angry that the N was so pathetic and living a completely delusional existence portraying himself as someone strong! Hang on, the light came on, I was living exactly the same way. Welcome to the magic mirror on the wall. Can you see yourself? I saw myself and didn’t like what I saw at all. Thank you for “loving” me enough to show myself to me, through you. Thank me for loving myself enough to smash the mirror and the illusion and step out of the looking glass. Narcissists, you can trash them until the end of time but they can be the greatest teachers that teach us to look not at them, but at ourselves.

    • terryfischer39@yahoo.com'
      Mistea1
      September 12, 2015

      So true, “never met anyone more pathetic than myself,’ almost funny if it werem’t so sad.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Julia,

      what you have said is so complete true.

      Looking at them to try to heal is looking in the completely wrong direction – for that very reason.

      Mel xo

  • terryfischer39@yahoo.com'
    Mistea1
    September 12, 2015

    Hi Melanie, I look at this ‘love a narcissist’ as agape. In other words, a more love of all because they and me are of the divine. I can love in such a way that I want for them what is in their best interest even if it does not include me. This also means that I want the best for me that is kindness, care, affection, respect etc. and if that doesn’t include them I can be content with someone who does even if it is not them.

    Hard won insight for me!

    My sticking point is with my brother. I didin’t realize he is a narc until we went on a camping trip and I compared him with onother I knew as a narcissist. What a sad sinking feeling I had. I always thought he was just my difficult younger brother. Now I know. I’ve always had minimal contact as he is difficult. This time though he almost caused a severe car accident when I was driving…twice. I almost called for a rental car so I could drive myself home but I didn’t have to.

    Now that i’ve been home a couple of weeks I know I won’t drive his car again. that is a given. I’ll keep our contact to a few hours a month and no more weeks long trips to visit relatives. many of the relatives too have this issue and I really am not close to any of them and I can let them go without difficulty. What do you think. I will only have contact if there is an emergency? or a few hours a month at his request, if he requests. I sure he thinks it is all my fault and I am OK with that. Any omment on family?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2015

      Hi Mistea1,

      Family is absolutely tricky .. because in many ways they can be harder to leave than partners …

      However, the healing path is exactly the same … when we find and heal our related inner traumas, we can show up completely differently with any Abuser .. including Family.

      And what that means is:

      1) we carry less of an emotional charge of the trauma (the other half of the magnet) that is unconsciously drawing “stuff” that represents the trauma into our Life … which generally means the bad behavior diminishes hugely and the N needs to take it elsewhere.

      2) We can speak up for what we need calmly and clearly without the fears of abandonment, punishment or criticism and this grants people an ability to raise in vibration with is – and if they don’t then set appropriate limits.

      and

      3) If we need to cut ties we can do so without the fear, guilt and neediness that may have been previously derailing us.

      Many people work NARP for Family N’s .. especially those who have suffered a history of N’s in family and / or love partners.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

      • terryfischer39@yahoo.com'
        Mistea1
        September 12, 2015

        Hi Melanie,
        I am a new NARP member. If I hear you right it is the emotional charge that has to be lessoned as well as fears of abandonment and criticism. Yes?

        I have known my younger brother since birth and I know how difficult he can be. Many family members don’t speak to him. I know enough not to take his stuff personally. I do get flustered when he starts barking orders when he gets unsure. In a situation I have to speak sharply to get his attention then he quiets. Ack, Melanie this is unexpectedly hard to talk about!

        I’m more educated about this since I had the several month encounter with the nonrelated narc. With that one I had the peptide addiction which I don’t with my brother and that’s when I started educating myself.

        I became more aware of and firmed up my boundaries. They always seemed firm with nonfamily members. Perhaps I had a different standard for familiars and family? When I went on this trip where I saw many narc family and familiars this time it was different. It seemed that simple kindness and calmness on my part set off these little explosions here and there. This time I recognized narc behavior and remained calm.

        Mostly I remained stable and calm with my brother and I think that’s why it escalated to narc rage. I can now recall one time where I was actually flinching after getting a barrage of irrational orders. Mind you this was at a campground where we were part of the presentations. Finally I deliberately stood in front of him raised my hands up flailed them around and quietly vocalized “aye, aye” It seemed to snap him out of his mood. He finally noticed me and said in a puzzled voice, “What are you doing?” I then told him about the barrage. He didn’t acknowledge it but went off in another direction then.

        The narc rage came twice. Once 2 days before and the day of a presentation I was to do. Someone on the forum recalled narcs had to be the center of attention, envy, competitive etc. Maybe that was it. At the time I had no clue.

        During the 20+ years I lived out of state I managed a large national health program and became a professional speaker, (thank you, Toastmasters). I am very comfortable speaking to any size group. My brother didn’t know any of this. I guess he thought if he tried to cause a major car accident I would be either scared off the presentation or be so rattled that I would mess it up. Of course I didn’t.

        I would like some perspective on this. To me he is my difficult younger brother who is smart as a whip, an MD, and a geneologist. I’ve always had this around. It feels normal. How serious and harmful to me is this as a situation? He’s never touched me in anger just the verbal stuff. This time I noticed the flinching. That is not good. I believe I handled it well and didin’t take anything he said to heart. I noticed I have not been as active as I was when I lived in the other state. When I first came here I didnt know anyone and probably talked and visited with him more. Now I am making other friends here and joined my interest groups. I never considered this part of narcissism, family members and it is a concern of mine now. Any comments are welcome. Thanks.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 14, 2015

          Hi Mistea1,

          that is great that you are on NARP. It is always the emotional charge inside us that needs to be tended to first.

          We create our hologram of life through our emotional resonance.

          Therefore “more of that” is what we get on any strong emotional feelings we experience.

          It truly is about – all the confusion pain in you mind, take it to Module 1. That’s how you start unravelling it and healing it. Are you in the NARP Forum to help get suggestions and guidance? That is really important.

          http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member/

          Truly, that is what the Modules in NARP are all about, self-partnering and getting inside our body to do the healing work – and then we realise that every “confusion” that our mind is trying to wrap around by getting answers, more information, more research etc. is really just the mind trying to effectively manage (which it can’t) a trapped trauma in our subconscious – that when released and up-leveled will require no mind obsession trying to manage it.

          Truly get in the NARP Forum and start doing Module 1 on all of these dilemmas / angst (that you named in this Post) and I promise you clarity and peace will come.

          Mel xo

  • Katieshopsalways@aol.com'
    Katie
    September 12, 2015

    Hi Melonie!

    This article was powerful and I related to it very much. I agree that I loved my ex because he initially met my needs of safety, love and companionship, then slowly withdrew himself. For a long time, I thought he was my soulmate as we initially filled in the gaps for each other. Then, the disrespect and devaluation occurred which confused me inmensely. Today, I realize, through all my tears and hurt, he was my teacher to let go of the old me and become the person I was suppose to be…one who is whole and loving. Of note, I saw someone driving, liked what he looked like and wanted to meet/date him. And, a few weeks later, I met my ex who looked like the man who was driving in a car. The universe does bring to one what one asks for!
    In another note, can you write some articles about the following topics as I think it would be benifical to all who is involved in your program to get well.
    Thanks! And…you are doing a great and wonderful job in helping those who hurt and desire to heal.
    -where one is on the self-actualization model when one is involved with a narcissist
    -I keep seeing: 11:11 combinations. What does this mean?
    -the empath and the narcissist
    -I am a Pisces woman and the majority of the men I have been with are Capricorns. Are more Capricorn men more narcisstic then other men of different horoscope signs?
    -The book: Women Who Love Too Much…for those women who do love too much, are we aligning ourselves for a narcisstic relationship on a unconscious level?
    -Specific ways to Self-partner

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2015

      Hi Katie,

      I am so please you resonated with this article.

      And that you see the truth and are working towards becoming your own true soul mate.

      I definitely will consider some of your topics Katie, and thank you for your suggestions!

      Mel xo

  • dancingshadow18@hotmail.com'
    Seeker
    September 12, 2015

    I love this blog and I’ve read many of these wonderful, insightful and educative articles. Yet, I am really desperate!
    What can I do, I am living with a narcissist and can not leave because of financial reasons. It is so frustrating! I am trying to work on my inner development, trying to release all these wounds. Some days I feel like I am making progress, things are seemingly getting better inside, but because I share this place with the narcissist out of financial dependence, being exposed to this person’s toxic behaviour towards me every single day, I always keep falling back into old thinking habits and behaviour patterns. It feels like I am trying so hard to reach a mountain top (working with myself, trying to come back to a place of healing, release, develop and heighten my self love) and everytime I am getting closer to reaching the top I am unable to prevent myself being thrown back down by the narcissist. I am trying to close the bleeding wounds but the narcissist keeps ripping them open again and again, I don’t know where I am to generate the strength from to free and fully heal myself inside, while I am still stuck in this outside situation. This person knows exactly which buttons to push to keep me down and low.
    My greatest fear now is that I won’t be able to fully heal myself as long as I am in this local, financial bondage with the narcissist, exposed to and attached to the narcissistic toxicity on a daily basis. But before I haven’t reached the healing point of wholeness and oneness with my self, according to law of attraction and mirroring vibrations and all these things, I can never be able to attempt to, or better, *succeed in* reaching financial ability to leave the shared life with this person, right? But as long as I am stuck here, how can I succeed in reaching and keeping real peace and healing? I feel like I am stuck in a vicious circle with no way out of it! And with the years going by I feel getting weaker and I feel my hope of ever being able to break free diminishing..
    I can’t leave, the toxicity of this person is so overwhelming, I again and again see that I can not fully succeed with my healing because I am unable to stop myself from being thrown back into despair and fear and anger etc by this person’s behaviour, yet before I haven’t accomplished healing myself from the inside, how can I hope to succeed in outside matters such as finding the way to afford to get out, stop being a puppet on a string for this person for good, and live my own life?
    Any helpfulp hints would be greatly appreciated. If only I knew that someone else in such a situation succeeded in healing and getting out, and HOW that was accomplished?! Where to get the strength from to keep working on oneself when all the fresh healings can so easily be undone when one is still exposed to the narcissist?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2015

      Hi Seeker,

      your position is very difficult … and I have met many people in your position.

      I promise you that at some level we were all challenged with the choice of “security / material and even survival fears” OR our Soul.

      I went through this too – the fear of “losing everything” and “not being able to survive without hanging on to this person or salvaging what was necessary from this person”..

      I promise you, this hanging on has destroyed many people – it almost did me, and I know of others it has …

      Our soul has a different plan Seeker and it goes like this: “Learn to value your soul and know that the Universe (God) does have you back – and that your survival / security is NOT through False Sources.)

      And our Souls – if we aren’t learning this lesson – turns up the heat.

      And doesn’t stop until we take the leap. I know many people who did leap and honoured their Souls and made their Soul Health the highest priority and Life did catch them … even if it started as incredibly humble beginnings to get back on their feet. Many I know went to shelters, refuge settings or shared with people temporarily until getting employment and earnings to get out on their own.

      There is ALWAYS a way, and it is about asking others for help. And allowing it.

      That’s what your soul is screaming at you to do …

      If we are dependent – we are a sitting duck for abuse – period …

      Your Soul is telling you loud and clear – and truly Seeker I am not telling you anything you don’t already know – your gut has it right.

      Mel xo

  • shakhakem@yahoo.com'
    Colleen Walker
    September 13, 2015

    hi Melonie I am currently trying to escape my narcessistic partner but every time I ask her to leave me alone and I disconnect and blocked her she finds a way to get to me. I am rrally hurting and cant take abymore of the emotional abuse but I cant seem to escape. the abuse is really bad so bad that at times I feel like hurting myself. am always sad and in tears. I need someone to speak to before its too late.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2015

      Hi Colleeen,

      I promise you when we really mean it, and we get clear and strong enough inside ourselves N’s leave us alone..

      They only keep going when there is some hope of N supply.

      This truly is about healing you my Love and then you will break out of this pattern with her.

      Please come into my next webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and we can help you heal you.

      Mel xo

  • anders@gnabb.se'
    Anders
    September 13, 2015

    This is your best article by far. Thanks, i think this is the article that helps me realize things for what they were/are and finally move on and work on ME. When that work is done, i’ll start dating again. Not before.

  • Lnaranian@yahoo.ca'
    Lolita
    September 13, 2015

    Hi melani, I just wanted to tell you how much your articles have helped me. Any relationship I am in starting with my parents to my siblings, to my ” love” life has been narcissistic. I never knew what that was until I read your articles. I like to thank you for the wonderful eye opening and information. My next step is to learn how to love myself and let go of the passt. XO

  • Mariaelenalaurent@gmail.com'
    Maria
    September 13, 2015

    Thanks Mel – this article is spot on. May be the most relevant for me yet!
    My most vulnerable moments of weakness and when I’m tempted to break no contact typically looks like this … I feel lonely and alone, I miss and ache for him terribly, and I want to know why he didn’t love me back when I loved him like no other, just like he wanted, asked for, and thanked me for. I then ache fearing that I’ll never experience love like that again. I guess now I can realize and try to accept that that was no true love and so it’s wonderful that I’ll never experience it again 🙂 I just need to find a way to make that logical message stick versus allowing myself to keep falling back into wanting to contact him and remind him how much I loved him. Wow!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2015

      Hi Maria,

      the truth is when we try to convince ourselves logically, we really are only trying to manage the symptom – “I miss him and I feel in love with him” … there is a deeper cause why we feel that Maria, – and true healing is about finding and healing that “reason” ..

      The reason is a younger neglect wound (in childhood) that created attachment trauma (abandonment) fears / wounds) when we were very young.

      Then we find people who replace the trauma and try to force them to love us (replace the original parental wound with resolution).

      It doesn’t work – and if we don’t clean it up we stay attached to that person – even if only emotionally – or / and we keep manifesting other lovers who we will play this out with again.

      Mel xo

  • integrittee@gmail.com'
    Sarah
    September 13, 2015

    Hi Melanie
    Thank you for your work. I have a situation that I can’t see mentioned in any other forum. Please could you shed some light for me…..When I met my husband of 26 years I am sure that I was the narcissist. I had to have control of everything and he was mostly happy for that to happen and have discussions with me about everything. I was decisive and he seemed flexible. He was brilliantly intelligent and exciting and caring and gentle. he absolutely adored me especially in front of other people. His boss asked me if I’d ever seen him angry. I hadn’t.
    We got married and, as a Christian at the time, he became very upset that I wouldn’t say “obey”on our wedding day in my vows. I was bemused.
    At some stage over the next couple of years I realised what I was doing and made big changes. He had asserted himself the moment the ring was on the finger to the point where his family members began to ask me why I let him speak to me badly. I just thought it was stress in his job as a manager. So my life revolved – for the next 25 years – around managing my guilt and reducing his stress. I wanted him to be happy. He had had a psychotic mother and an extremely abusive childhood. His mother had committed suicide right after ringing him and telling him him that she would if he didn’t come right away. That happened 1 year before I met him.
    So I organised our life so that all his dreams were realised. In the meantime, all of mine were put on hold. I wanted him to realise how much I loved him and how sorry I was for the way I treated him when we first met, which he still referred to whenever we fought. I still have a huge amount of guilt believing I created the monster.
    Unfortunately he started a business in 2001 and became more tyrannical. I was always counselling staff members and people at church who he had upset. Many people said right from the start he came across as arrogant, which I would apologize for and then try and get him to realise how he was coming across. He said I was always picking on him. I just needed him to realise how rude he was looking to other people, especially as an example to our 3 sons. He was unable to see anything from my point of view. When i grabbed his arm to save his life from a car in Europe recently, he became extremely angry because he felt I was controlling him. He has many times done the same for me and I was appreciative. He did not see it as a caring act at all.
    Our son says that at some stage he decided I was the enemy, and nothing I could say or do would change that.
    His shouting and odering around escalated after we sold the business and went travelling… (finally living my dreams). 18month’s later, (3 months ago) he left me to go to Thailand where, 2 weeks later he had a 25yo girlfriend. He has drawn out so much money that we are now heavily in debt…although he had always allocated the same amount to my savings account. I am struggling with guilt and feeling like I really did create this narcissist. His childhood friends and his brother have said that it was always in him. I just wanted him to believe that I was a good person in his corner, not the enemy he thought I was.
    I completely fit the profile of people pleaser and was emotionally neglected and abused as a child. Is it possible that even when I was the strong one when we met, that he picked up on my insecurities and chose me still for his supply? Was he a really lovely man that I ruined? Did I create the narcissist?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2015

      Hi Sarah,

      I really want to say this to you …

      It’s one of Wayne Dyer’s incredible expressions

      “What comes out of an orange if you squeeze it?

      The answer is orange juice …

      What you are going through is a really normal part of abuse – taking the responsibility for someone else’s behavior ..

      What he has “become” was there in the first place … no-body makes anybody anything – after they are a child they are already “programmed” .. he is showing you who he already was …

      You may have squeezed him – but he was an orange that’s why orange juice came out …

      From your perspective, the same as all of us, regardless of the circumstances … our healing and liberation NEVER lies in trying to fix them or work them out – it is always, and only ever about getting our focus onto us to heal us.

      That’s why you need to give up this question …

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • integrittee@gmail.com'
        Sarah
        September 16, 2015

        Thank you. Xx

  • roslynellis48@gmail.com'
    Roz
    September 13, 2015

    Very accurate and astute. I only wish I’d found your blog much earlier! It helps to know we are not alone in these experiences! Thank you, Roz

  • Sharday.torres@yahoo.com'
    Sharday
    September 13, 2015

    Hello Melanie,

    My counselor recommended your blog to me, for after 7 years of being with my N we recently separated. I knew for a long time that I needed to end things, but I could never follow through. It has only been a couple days, and I was honestly devastated the relationship was over until I read your blog. Without your words I do not know how I would be right now. I had so much of my energy ripped from me that I lost my true self. Right now I am trying to love and learn about myself again, and I must say it is challenging. I hope to one day be as strong and enlightened as you are, and love myself fully. At the same time I am not sure how to do this. In one of your blogs you mentioned logical thinkers have a more difficult time getting to the point where they truly love themselves. This type of person is me. Do you have any recommendations that can help?

    Kind regards

  • Katieshopsalways@aol.com'
    Katie
    September 16, 2015

    Hi Mel,

    Been reading all of these replies as well as some of your other articles.
    OMG! I have been self-partering and have made a huge shift. I was able to trace the exact same verbal/emotional behavorial abuses from the narcissist, some past friends, work associates, and from my siblings to my family of origin. How my family kept me confused, scared, helpless, anxious, and upset to control and manipulate me to meet only their needs was evident. Once I realized this, the whole picture of my life was clear. Immediately, I released all of it and clothed myself and them in LOVE. Now, I feel so calm, peaceful and grounded!
    Thank you for your work and presenting all of your work to the world to heal from abuse. I plan to purchase your programs in the future to engage in more release…just waiting for the universe to send a financial abundance to me. And, it shouldn’t be much longer as I: Called it and Received it😄

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 22, 2015

      Hi Katie,

      I am so pleased my material has been helping – and that is wonderful that you are coming home to self.

      You will love the extra positive side-effects of NARP! It really does take it into another dimension.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Terioster@msn.com'
    Teri
    September 16, 2015

    Hi Mel
    I always learn something from your articles and you make me think about my relationship with my ex husband narc and parents and others.

    I have to say I did love my ex husband or who I thought he was. I still do depite his nastiness and disregard for my well being. I think there were two sides to him though. A decent side and a hostile unreasonable lying sack of crap. I think stress really brought out the narc. I think when it came down to it, the monstor won his soul (for now) and he ran. I remember when he filed for divorce I told him that divorce was not the answer and the problem will still be there with the next wife and the next wife. He got married with two months of getting divorced and then got divorced again and remarried right away and is now on wife number 7. He/they have to be sufferring and miserable down deep. I guess numbing wth alcohol and working helps but this cannot go on forever or can it? I wish there was something that could be done for the narcs like this program.

    I don’t have contact with him anymore but I do hope he finds God and comes back to his own body and finds peace soon. Despite the hell he has put me through with brainwashing our son and the terror he put me through I still care about him and hope he wakes up for his sake and our son’s sake.

    Loving from a distance. Thank you Mel!
    Teri

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 22, 2015

      Hi Teri,

      truly it is so important for us to let go, and truly come home to loving and healing ourselves … that can be very hard to do when you still feel “in love” with someone … which is very different from “releasing them with love”.

      If you haven’t already, I’d really love you to come into my next webinar group – it will help you heal so much …

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • loup73a@yahoo.com'
    Lou
    September 17, 2015

    “you would not be horrified if there was no potential for you to be compatible enough to continue being together”

    Brilliant!

    Lou

  • julieanncolla@gmail.com'
    Julia
    September 18, 2015

    i think we fall in love with narcs because they trigger toxic memories from our childhood that we experienced with other family members or friends or teachers or people as kids. But we don’t recognise this at the time. That first rush of love is such an artificial drug because its actually covering up and disguising the real facts that this person is so familiar but so distant. Perhaps like childhood memories, or family members we’ve lost or become estranged from or people we knew in the past, or anyone who abused us, without us knowing we were being abused and damaged emotionally. I guess that’s why the narc has to rush out and get LOVED UP so fast to get that artificial drug rush again and again and again. It makes sense I guess that someone with the emotional age of a child wants to re-experience that over and over with as many mother and father, brother, sister, friend, teacher, enemy figures as they can consume. They are always at War and never know peace or when to wave the white flag and surrender.

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    September 19, 2015

    Dear Mel,
    What a beautiful article. I’ve been following your articles in the past few years, love them all.
    I’m not with the Narc anymore (I’ve learned to release the need to be with him, thanks to you and your NARP program). I haven’t been with him for a very long time. But I keep reading your articles because they always teach me something about what’s going on in my life right now and what to aspire for in the future.
    Your articles are so unlimited in their reach to topics beyond relationship with narcissists.
    Like this article. I read it and thought of something that’s going on in my life right now that has nothing to do with a Narc relationship- and I saw how I wasn’t loving in a situation.
    I’m so grateful to you!
    Love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 22, 2015

      Hi Jane,

      thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed the article.

      It is so, so true “the N” is really only the catalyst to get us on this path of evolving self!

      It is about US and our entire Life.

      Bless and much love

      Mel xo

  • rainyday_n@hotmail.com'
    June
    October 9, 2015

    Hi Melanie
    I have a question, my partner is a narcissist, I don’t know if it’s just traits or the personality disorder, he was abused as a child, he says he wants to change his ways but hasn’t really taken any steps to change, do you think it will be helpful if I gift him NARP? will it work for him as well as for me?

  • Smarcin0407@gmail.com'
    Shauntel
    October 13, 2015

    I have poured over your articles for the last month. I often find myself in tears as I realize how completely blind I was to what was happening to me. I have let a textbook narcissist into my life twice now. I have allowed him to take advantage of me and each time he has left I felt less and less like the person I used to be. I know now that the person I am, the if I just keep loving and giving, and the person he is, the if they keep giving I’ll keep taking, are never meant to be. He had me so convinced that he was everything I needed and could ask for and each time he broke it off (often without warning) I was left reeling. The pain of the discard phase is unexplainable. But while my interactions with him are still present, I’m getting better at reading the red flags and everyday I feel a little stronger. I know I have to get to a place where it’ll never happen again, because if I know him, it’s about every few months and he comes back to get his fix. I want to be strong enough to walk away And know I am better off. I think I’m on my way. Thank you.

  • ginaxie@hotmail.com'
    amy
    October 13, 2015

    Dear Melanie,

    Thank you so so so much for all the articles on your website.
    2 weeks ago, my ex narc bf of 1 year “dumped me”. Initially, I had no idea I was in a relationship with a Narc. I was sad and I couldn’t find closure. He posted really nasty things on FB about me which were completely out of context and not true. Then a friend of mine said he definitely had NPD. I immediately googed this and to my surprise, he ticks ALL THE BOXES. All the gas lighting, cheating (he admitted to this only after we broke up), smear campaign, lying after lying, threatening, projection… I’m so so so so glad that I got out of that toxic relationship in time. He still messages me now, trying triangulation, smear campaign, gas lighting to put me down. Surprisingly, after reading your articles, I feel nothing towards his revelation of infidelity (of course, he mentioned it was all my fault that he cheated) or his bad words (he wishes me miscarriage after miscarriage, who would say that?!). I just want him to get out of my life. I stopped replying to his messages, and definitely will do no contact… Thank you so much for your articles, I would have been so confused and devastated otherwise. It’s really amazing how after only 2 weeks after breaking up, I went from sad to disgusted.
    I really hope the society gets to know more about this type of disorder.
    Thanks so much Mel.

  • ginaxie@hotmail.com'
    B
    October 13, 2015

    Hi Mel
    I have found this song from Adele *Turning Tables* especially good for my healing from a relationship with a narc. The hopelessness, the confusion, and finally the courage to move on and be my own savior.

    Close enough to start a war
    All that I have is on the floor
    God only knows what we’re fighting for
    All that I say, you always say more

    I can’t keep up with your turning tables
    Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

    So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me
    No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
    I can’t give you what you think you gave me
    It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables, to turning tables

    Under haunted skies I see
    Where love is lost, your ghost is found
    I’ve braved a hundred storms to leave you
    As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down

    I can’t keep up with your turning tables
    Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

    So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no
    I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
    I can’t give you what you think you gave me
    It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables, turning tables

    Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior
    When the thunder calls to me
    Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior
    Standing on my own two feet

    I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no
    I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
    I can’t give you what you think you gave me
    It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables, to turning tables
    Turning tables, yeah, turning

    • jocred255@gmail.com'
      Jeff
      October 25, 2015

      Perfect..

  • tori.vickery@gmail.com'
    Ana
    October 15, 2015

    I am really understanding a lot more by reading your articles, thank you.

    I wondered if you, or someone here could help me with one question I have.

    I am 28 and I ended the relationship with my abuser just over one year ago but he still will not leave me alone and says he still loves me and wants to make it work, and says he takes responsibility for what he did and says he will do anything to heal, and will go to meetings etc. Although his behaviour has improved slightly during this time, he still shows many traits that show me he has not changed.

    Why after so long does he still want me? does it mean he really did love me? or is he just being nice so i will think he’s changed? or has just found no one else he can abuse?

    Do abusers ever change???

    .Please help. Thank you

  • jocred255@gmail.com'
    Jeff
    October 25, 2015

    Thanks again Melanie for reminding me that it takes two. Three actually…my dad was always right there and I never realized it. I had so successfully repressed my memories of growing up with an alcoholic father, trying to relate to a man who was alternatively distant violent and caring who in twenty years only touched me when it was a slap across the face. A physically gorgeous statue of a man whose every inch I was in awe of, unable to understand how he had ended up with a woman as plain as my mother, learning from her to sit silently at the dinner table staring at the cold food for hours waitng for him to stagger home, heads down waiting for the plates to start flying and then later to help her make a bed under him on the living room floor where he passed out every night, too heavy for the two of us to move. And the next morning rain or shine he was up at 6 and off to work, never missing a day. Totally unaware of what went on the night before. Years later, long after I had left home to bury myself in my business, he sobered up permanently and called me to apologise for not remembering anything about me for the seventeen years I was his son at home.
    So I figured then that things were all sorted out…dad clean reunited with son who was now all grown up and a successful pillar of his community. But the bad godawful relationships kept happening. Different guys but the same hurt. And always the same tears..why why why wont he love me anymore why is he such a twofaced superficial bastard why cant I dump him why am I so good with clients and staff and so pathetically inept with relationships. The last one burned a hole in my heart and my head for four years but this time I reached out to sites like yours and to you. Initally because it reminded me of him and because it gave me the tools and terms to justify myself as a victim but then as the tapping and no contact took effect i began to see the pattern of abuse was all down to me. Me convincing myself that all these moody needy self absorbed men who were so clearly incapable of loving anyone would be the ones to bring joy and love to my life. Wasted tears wasted years…maybe not if they helped me finally reach this place in my life. I’m not going to be sending chocolates and a thank you note to all my exes any time soon but I will say thanks to you Melanie. For dedicating your life to help people like me find their way out of that dark place into the light.

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