Melanie Tonia Evans

My Favourite Way To Set Boundaries That Stick

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 8
111
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Setting boundaries can be incredibly confusing and sometimes even terrifying.

What if you’re unclear about your personal rights?

Or, are susceptible to being talked out of them?

How on earth do you get people to respect your boundaries – even if you can identify them and express them?

Is it possible to lay boundaries, not get sucked into arguments about them, and just have them stick?

Yes – it is! But … we SO need to know what we are doing.

Because, even though communication should just be about speaking up and other people respecting us and our wishes, it’s NOT that simple!

It often doesn’t turn out that way.

In reality, we can feel unsure, tongue-tied, triggered, fearful or even guilty about asserting our own needs and rights.

For years, and in high-conflict relationships (yep that would be with narcissists!), I SUCKED at boundaries. I had no idea what my boundaries were, how to express them, or how I could look after myself healthily if other people didn’t agree with them.

After going through my own personal journey with two narcissists, as well as deep intensive inner development … as well as helping thousands of other people with theirs, now, I set boundaries like a BOSS!

And that’s exactly what I want to SHOW you today!

If you have struggled with being able to lay strong, powerful boundaries that honour you and stick, you need to watch this video.

Regardless of how hard it is for you to assert yourself, be confident enough to speak up and have people respect you – I know that this information and simple steps will help you immensely.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions on below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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111 Thoughts on My Favourite Way To Set Boundaries That Stick
  • Theisspat@gmail.com'
    Patricia Theiss
    February 21, 2018

    I am worthy to be mentally and spiritually connected to myself and others.

  • marialenablu@gmail.com'
    Alena Dawn
    February 21, 2018

    Love, Freedom, Abundance, Joy, Success:)

    • Schyler_ellis@yahoo.com'
      Sky
      March 2, 2018

      Love, respect, trust, honesty, gentleness, teamwork vs competition

  • j-locke@outlook.com'
    Jemma
    February 21, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    Another great video and blog post!

    I don’t know if you go back to old blog posts after the week of the discussions so I just wanted to copy/past my response to YOUR response to a comment I made on your10th December blog. (I commented about living with my narc mother and still feeling like a child at 31 and that I had ended a relationship a year ago but still couldn’t/can’t let go even when it’s my choice. And that I can’t seem to get myself to try the NARP program due to nothing having helped me in the past and that I purchased a program from a life coach last year that I couldn’t get myself to follow through with). I have only just managed to make myself go back and read your reply (I seem to have this thing where I will reach out then be too nervous to read someone’s response). I finally have and I REALLY, REALLY appreciate everything you have said.

    “It means a lot that you wrote such a detailed and heart-felt reply and I am very grateful. I do agree with you that finding someone who can do some kind of bodywork with me in terms of emotional release would be beneficial and I have started seeing a cranial-sacral therapist who has helped a little but I think I need to find someone who can work more with energetic trauma-release. Just to get me to the point where I can, as you say, self-commit.

    I am getting there, I think. Lots of things in my life lately have been reflecting back to me that I try to control others and feel helpless a lot of the time. Case and point, the ex I mentioned still being friends with is now dating someone new (a 19 year old and she is 38…) This started officially on the 1st of Jan and since then we haven’t had much contact (apart from both sleeping over at a friends party a few weeks ago and drunk me couldn’t seem to hold back from being bitchy about her constantly texting the new girl and then she started to raise her voice about why I was being such a bitch about it and how it took her a year to get over me and she is happy but I am unhappy and that’s not her fault… She’s right. And I hate seeing this in myself). My mother’s narcissistic behavior continues to get worse and worse and my friends are pulling away from me because they feel for my situation but can’t physically make me leave or feel good about leaving so they are having to detach. I can see it and get it all cognitively but still can’t seem to go inwards far enough to work on my traumas.

    There has been a lot coming up in my life lately highlighting the idea of ‘fault vs responsibility’ There’s a short video clip going around of Will Smith, titled fault vs responsibility and the most recent episode of the TV show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, which handles mental health and codependency so well, has a great song about saying your actions aren’t your fault because of your childhood traumas. The point being that your traumas are not YOUR FAULT but it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to be accountable and change you story. So obviously the universe is shoving this point in my face lately to get me to understand and I do understand.. Just struggling with the practice.

    Thank you again for your response and all of your work.”

    Love
    Jemma

    • algonquinn88@gmail.comalgonqui'
      Janet
      February 21, 2018

      I understand how difficult the transition can be and empathize.

      Try energy healing or bodytalk to help release trauma…I have used it for over ten years and find it a great support.

      • j-locke@outlook.com'
        Jemma
        February 22, 2018

        Thanks Janet. I’m trying as much as I can in that sense but really struggle going into and staying in my body. Also I live in a country-town in the South West of England so there’s not many people locally who offer the things I need and I have no money or job but I’m burning through my savings with therapy.

        Thank you for commenting. <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2018

      Hi Jemma,

      Thank you and I am so glad you enjoyed it!

      It can be a little difficult to get back to old blog posts – even though I do try to!

      You are very welcome regarding my response, and it does seem like you are getting closer to breakthrough.

      Ultimately of course, as you know, it’s only you who can make that decision as to “when” you commit to healing you.

      I love what Jo Dispenza, once said (or something along these lines ..) we are all going to evolve one day – the only question is are we going to do it now, sometime in this lifetime, or in several?

      For me, I couldn’t bear the thought of living “more of this” indefinitely.

      Your journey Jenna is blessed no matter what choice you make. We are all going home to Who We Are, because there is no other place to go.

      Mel xo

      • j-locke@outlook.com'
        Jemma
        February 22, 2018

        Thank you Mel.

        I’m actually getting a bit teary right now, it’s past midnight in the UK and I was about to go to bed but came across your live FB websinair so am currently watching/listening to you.

        You are a beautiful, compassionate person and I’m so grateful for your work even if I’m not managing to evolve for myself yet.

        xx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 22, 2018

          Hi Jemma,

          you’re close sweetheart. You just need to decide “I am worth it,” and take the ‘next step’ that affirms that.

          Mel xo

  • lesliehickcox@gmail.com'
    Leslie Hickcox
    February 21, 2018

    loyalty, honesty, kindness

  • revelaine@cfl.rr.com'
    Elaine S
    February 21, 2018

    I want to be respected.
    I want to heal from narcissism.
    I want to put my past behind me.
    I want to be whole and healthy.
    I want to feel confident.

  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    Linda
    February 21, 2018

    My true self-declaration: integrity, honesty, compassion, understanding, loyalty and respect.

  • lindakolba@comcast.net'
    Linda
    February 21, 2018

    Honesty, kindness, healthy, own needs respected

  • rpawlyszyn@gmail.com'
    Rose Pawlyszyn
    February 21, 2018

    honesty
    team work/collaboration
    respect
    open communication
    willingness/ability to understand another’s perspective

  • mblocke66@gmail.com'
    Mary Beth
    February 21, 2018

    Rediscovering who I am, Well-being, Peace, Service to others on my terms, Joy, Adventure

  • llcburch@gmail.com'
    Lorie
    February 21, 2018

    I am 57 years old and this is the first time I have really understood what a boundary is!! You hit this one out of the park my dear! That is an American baseball term we use over here. You are so incredibly lovely to share your wisdom with all of us. I don’t know what I would have done without you helping me through the past few years of my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

    • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
      Linda
      February 21, 2018

      I completely agree with you Lorie!! Melanie, thank you so much for nailing this one. It’s just so completely clear. Months and months of pondering…what are my boundaries? I never had good ones. I hardly had any at all. So not only did you make it clear for me, but for the first time, in a long time, I am utterly excited for what I am about to create. It’s incredibly powerful.

      Thank you too from the bottom of my heart. xoxox

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 21, 2018

        Hi Linda,

        it’s my pleasure, I love that it is clear – that was my intention to make it understandable.

        How awesome you are excited about becoming a Boundary Boss!

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2018

      Hi Lorie,

      I am so pleased this one clicked in!

      We use that term here too lovely lady – and it is a beautiful compliment. Thank you 🙂

      Awww please know Lorie it is my absolute pleasure 🙂

      Much love and blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • eyeseeLinda@yahoo.com'
    Linda
    February 21, 2018

    Respect
    Trust
    Mutuality
    Reciprocity
    Growth
    Balance (i.e. no control)

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Hannah
    February 21, 2018

    So…
    Respect, respect, respect and honesty, empathy and understanding, compassion, flow, communication, kindness.
    That should be a good start…

    Thank you Mel ❤️

  • rachheaton@gmail.com'
    Rachel Heaton
    February 21, 2018

    Respect, Loving-Kindness, Joyful co creation

  • Jlmaples247@msn.com'
    Jess
    February 21, 2018

    Compassion. Honesty, respect. Encouragement

  • harnettj@rogers.com'
    Joy
    February 21, 2018

    Respect, Loyality, compassion, Teamwork, Empathy Understanding, Communication

  • jawh@comcast.net'
    Julie
    February 21, 2018

    My energy is MINE! Not his… or anyone else’s.

  • yourockthemoon@gmail.com'
    Moon
    February 21, 2018

    Courage, confidence, happiness.

  • jodicummings@bigpond.com'
    Jodi
    February 21, 2018

    Love
    Loyalty
    Reciprocity
    Empathy
    Happiness

    I am worthy!!

  • ayameyana@gmail.com'
    Esther
    February 21, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this episode. It is so helpful!
    I want honesty, respect and teamwork.
    About honesty; I am learning to become more honest to myself which really means is finding out my real truth. As an effect I find that I can handle the N person with more calmness. The N came to hoover me but a small victory is is that I don’t feel addictive to his attention anymore. I now have found a way to be my own source of happiness and love.
    Thanks again for this episode. I realised that I have another false belief that is really not my truth! So many things to work on during the NARP program, but I had never imagined the results are so big yet subtle like a underground river.
    😄

    • algonquinn88@gmail.comalgonqui'
      Janet
      February 21, 2018

      I feel there are moments when we can finally take in what we need to hear…your saying it’s discovering we are the source of our own happiness and love. The key is just to live our life to the fullest without the thought that we need a man. It’s been a long time coming

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    February 21, 2018

    Mel, I loved your gorgeous video! So inspirational!!

  • clarkch5@hotmail.com'
    Resilient
    February 21, 2018

    Another great video Mel. I’m in awe of your work and dedication to healing this community. In the video, you mentioned telling a partner the need for him to be interested and supportive of your career, and the next day he showed up in that capacity (and this is when you realized you’d graduated). My question is, how can we tell that a person is showing up genuinely to our declared boundary, vs. them disingenuously “showing up” as a love bombing technique to hook us in? Your insights are appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2018

      Hi Resilient,

      thank you for your lovely support 🙂

      This is such a great question! How we know is we give it a prod, we discuss it and ask this person lovingly what their support looks like, what they would like to change and how that can play out in the relationship.

      If their intention is not real – then the three-ring circus will begin and you see how non-aligned their words are with reality.

      No Deal! Also, going forward when you are very clear on what you want, if people haven’t really shifted within and evolved, then their efforts won’t hold – and then its time to move on.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

      • clarkch5@hotmail.com'
        Resilient
        February 28, 2018

        Yes, very much so! Thank you.

  • rkmarshall56@gmail.com'
    rhonda
    February 21, 2018

    My value system requires that my friends need to be honest with me and care about my feelings– not purposely hurt me and embarrass me in front of others. They need to be sincere, not love bombing me to my face and talking against me to my back.

  • algonquinn88@gmail.comalgonqui'
    Janet
    February 21, 2018

    Thank you for the farmyard visual…it truly connected…deciding what gets in that nourishes me.

  • Pennylh@comcast.net'
    Penny
    February 21, 2018

    Thank you Melanie, this was very helpful.

    I want support, loyalty, honesty, sensitivity, and kindness from others. Without these we are not a match.

  • Alana82griff@gmail.com'
    Freebird
    February 21, 2018

    Integrity, respect, honesty, support, resilience and mutuality. I’m not sure I’ve ever set a boundary my entire life but I’m incredibly excited about starting x

  • stefycobain81@libero.it'
    HappySpirit
    February 21, 2018

    Thank you sweetheart for another fantastic video.

    Im also using this quote to decide about my boundaries:

    “You are not an option, a choice or a soft place to land after a long battle. You were meant to be the one. If you can wrap yourself around the idea that you are something incredible, then you will stop excusing behavior that rapes your very soul. You were never meant to teach someone to love you. You were meant to be loved.”
    -Shannon L. Alder

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2018

      Hi HappySpiit,

      that is very powerful, beautiful and apt quote.

      Love it!

      Mel xo

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      February 22, 2018

      We were meant to be loved…thank you for this…our soul’s truly weren’t meant to be raped…and that is what it felt like for years…it begins with self love especially for those suffering from abandonment issues….fearing there won’t be enough love..turning them into unconscious people pleasers.

  • danieladinca2007@yahoo.com'
    Daniela
    February 21, 2018

    Hello Mel,
    Thank you , once again..you keep me on my path..it s not easy but I will make it..
    Thanks for your great suport!
    I want for me honesty, constructive comunication and lot of peace, calmness..
    May God bless all?

  • Marciasevans72@gmail.com'
    Simone
    February 21, 2018

    Awesome video Mel, thankyou so much for creating videos on reconstructing ones life in positive empowered ways. This was hugely important for me and your story is very familiar to me as well, I now know what I need to do to create a different reality.

    Thankyou so much!

    Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2018

      Hi Simone,

      thank you and it is my absolute pleasure.

      I am so pleased you now know the way through.

      Mel xo

  • maria.karuvuori@gmail.com'
    Maria
    February 21, 2018

    I want healing, honesty and respect.
    I want to study and write and continue learning how to express myself exactly as I want to, through writing and maybe even photography and documentary filmmaking.
    I do not want to start a Youtube show of political sarcasm.
    I want to work for a world that I feel is just without imposing my beliefs too strongly on others or getting caught up in the outcome.
    I want to be connected – with the nature surrounding me and with worthy people.
    I do not wish to be either less or more important than any other person.
    I want to be honest with myself and take responsibility for my shortcomings. I want to learn from mistakes.
    I want joy and laughter and occasionally, sadness too.

    • maria.karuvuori@gmail.com'
      Maria
      February 22, 2018

      Oh, and that my no means no.

  • priya.krishnasamy@gmail.com'
    Priya
    February 21, 2018

    1. Healing 2. Compassion 3. Joy

  • lucyelizabethtaylour@gmail.com'
    sternschnuppe
    February 21, 2018

    Love
    trust
    partnership
    compassion
    honesty
    nurturing
    protection
    safety
    understanding
    balance
    laughter
    respect
    time
    cherish

  • lucyelizabethtaylour@gmail.com'
    sternschnuppe
    February 21, 2018

    And This…

    STILL I RISE
    BY MAYA ANGELOU

    You may write me down in history
    With your bitter, twisted lies,
    You may trod me in the very dirt
    But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

    Does my sassiness upset you?
    Why are you beset with gloom?
    ’Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
    Pumping in my living room.

    Just like moons and like suns,
    With the certainty of tides,
    Just like hopes springing high,
    Still I’ll rise.

    Did you want to see me broken?
    Bowed head and lowered eyes?
    Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
    Weakened by my soulful cries?

    Does my haughtiness offend you?
    Don’t you take it awful hard
    ’Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
    Diggin’ in my own backyard.

    You may shoot me with your words,
    You may cut me with your eyes,
    You may kill me with your hatefulness,
    But still, like air, I’ll rise.

    Does my sexiness upset you?
    Does it come as a surprise
    That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
    At the meeting of my thighs?

    Out of the huts of history’s shame
    I rise
    Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
    I rise
    I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
    Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

    Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
    I rise
    Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
    I rise
    Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
    I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
    I rise
    I rise
    I rise.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2018

      Hi sternschnuppe,

      thank you for sharing this amazing poem which is so wise, poignant and beautiful.

      Oh yes We Rise 🙂

      And … We Thrive 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jusstine45@icloud.com'
    Justine
    February 21, 2018

    I really admire and respect you Melanie. It must have taken a lot of guts and courage to get to where u r now. You should be really proud of yourself. Thankyou so much for being you,
    I want honesty, compassion, strength and understanding in my life.
    I’m truly grateful for this life lesson, thankyou.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2018

      Hi Justine,

      thank you – yes it was hard fought for – and so worth it! Now I don’t know any other way to live, and I adore that my life works now!

      Awww Justine thank you for your beautiful words. Sending you all the blessings and love that is yours by Divine Right.

      Yoru gratitude truly opens this up for you. It’s your time Justine.

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    February 21, 2018

    **** THANK YOU, everyone, ****

    For your beautiful contributions here on this post …. such a wonderful collective container of healing and Thriving!!!

    I LOVE them all!

    All my love Mel xo

  • gaialuna@hotmail.co.uk'
    Vikki
    February 21, 2018

    Awesome video xxx

    Here’s mine:-

    I expect to be listened to with love and compassion
    I expect my opinion and my presence in their life to be valued
    I expect to be valued for my bravery and personal commitment to my own healing
    I expect to be loved, adored and cherished just as I am, especially the wobbly bits. x
    I expect to be hugged warmly and touched gently.
    I expect the freedom to explore new things that excite my creativity.
    I expect clear and calm communication
    I expect everyone I hang out with to own their stuff and avoid projecting it onto me or each other.
    I expect a partner to be faithful, including emotionally.
    I expect playfulness and awe and wonder as we grow together and delight in each others uniqueness.

    xxxx

  • Fellowship3@mail.com'
    Tammi
    February 22, 2018

    I want respect, love, want to be listened to without everybody ignoring everything I say and doing things behind my back in sneaky ways.

    • maria.karuvuori@gmail.com'
      Maria
      February 22, 2018

      Yes!

  • tbwade03@gmail.com'
    Trish
    February 22, 2018

    I want peace.

  • teriashmeria@gmail.com'
    Violet Spectre
    February 22, 2018

    Thanks again Mel for all you do. Here is my list Quantum Guru!

    Honesty
    Respect
    Kindness
    Tenderness
    Growth
    Safety
    Play
    Partnership
    Spirit focus
    Being Fabulous
    Flexibility
    Creative Expression
    Connectedness-Closeness
    I will be loved for the person I am and for no other reason.
    I will love others for the people they are and for no other reason.
    Patience
    Understanding

  • Pab616@msn.com'
    Pam
    February 22, 2018

    Authentic, compassion, kindness, integrity, love themselves, good communicator,spiritual.

  • hilaryholden211@googlemail.com'
    Helen
    February 22, 2018

    I am off to buy about 15 Alpacas, having looked around at the pile of dead sheep and broken fences! Seriously, that was a good video thanks and completely completely true. Even a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have fully got what you said about the Truth of the True Self. 58 and feel I am finally getting free after what seems a life time of saying to wolves “come in, let me make you a cup of tea and, oops, never mind, its not your fault you just bit that sheep legs off”.
    Honestly, I cannot do anymore “ground hog day” in my life with men, friends, and now also an adult child. The fences are up, and I have knitted a few alpaca myself. I’m very much starting to put myself first for the first time in my life. It’s kind of hair raising and also exciting and scary…and boy has it upset family dynamics. But, I’m getting very clear and centred.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2018

      Hi Helen,

      you go girl!!

      Bring those woolly protectors ON!!! You’ve got this, it’s YOUR time to shine!

      Mel xo

  • adelea@taico.com'
    adele aguirre
    February 22, 2018

    Honesty, respect, kindness, connectivity, patience, safety, fun, playful, I deserve to be loved for who i am not what I have

  • anniebanister@icloud.com'
    Annabel Banister
    February 22, 2018

    Hi Mel
    New to the plan! So hi.
    Get the concept of boundaries. Getting clearer about set my own. I’m struggling with trying to parallel parent with ex narc. For example I say 4:30pm pick up, he immediately breaks that and for example says “make it 4:15 you don’t need all that time for x to get changed and ready.”
    May soul is screaming “I said 4:30, four thirty, FOUR THIRTY….. do you hear me etc etc”
    Everything I set he wants to tamper with even just a fraction. Respecting my boundaries about setting boundaries re childcare is his currently his openly way to hook me in which I’m not falling for but want it to stop. It’s four thirty…..
    any advice from you about this type of boundary breaking would be very greatfully received. Love Annabel ( uk)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2018

      Hi Annabel,

      welcome! I am so pleased you found your way here.

      Perfect question! And the reason it is because this is the thing – we can’t say “This is it!” and force a narcissist to respect our boundaries. The very nature of narcissism is about breaking boundaries, and of course, this feeds narcissists narcissistic supply – knowing they affect people. And … we can’t say “Not My Reality” and no more co-parenting.

      But WHAT we CAN do is this – say “not my Reality” to having them trigger us and bother us. That is the deep inner work with NARP whereby we go to and release EVERY trigger we feel, and we become really benign in our body to what the narcissist does or doesn’t do – and then ‘so within – so without’ it then HAS to leave our experience.

      truly – that is your only and MOST powerful solution here, and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • jt10101050@yahoo.com'
    J
    February 22, 2018

    Thank you Mel for another inspiring session. Loved the alpaca analogy.
    Isn’t it telling though that so many of us feel apologetic and guilty about setting boundaries, as if we don’t deserve to be treated with respect? I was brought up to believe this by a very emotionally abusive (ill?) narc parent who a ‘saint’ to the outside world. Being assertive or having an opinion apparently made me a stubborn, bad and selfish person who deserved punishment by nuclear strength narc rage, a devastating character assassination and a week long ostracism until I apologised (from early childhood onward). Sometimes this could just be triggered by a wrong glance. Unsurprisingly, my attempts to correct this personality defect-remember that this parent was seen as saintly- have made me into a life long doormat! Hopefully this will change as I continue to work through your modules-a real revelation. Thanks again!

    J

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2018

      Hi J,

      it’s my pleasure!

      Oh gosh yes – agreed! How wonderful J that you are on your way now!!

      Sending blessings, strength and incredible healing to you.

      Mel xo

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    February 22, 2018

    After the painful n relationship, I’d like my next partner to be:

    – Normal (obviously, this is the most important!!)
    – living a normal life (the n had a long criminal history)
    – ability and capacity for a normal relationship
    – before sex, agrees to come with me to test sexually transmitted diseases
    – is committed, has morale, empathy

    Now this all sounds very good written. But how on earth am I going to find this kind of a man?! I’m over 40, little bit extra weight etc. etc. I’m just worried that if my “list” is too long…I’ll end up alone. I mean perfect human beings don’t exist, right..?

    It’s been over a year no contact, done crazy amount of healing, and just today I missed “my n” painfully lot. “If only” I could return to the “golden era”, happy days with him…yep, I know, impossible…It makes me sad. Sometimes looking at happy couples hurt very much, it hurts that other people can keep their beloveds and be with them, and I couldn’t…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2018

      Hi Julia,

      what you have written is not a long list of wanting “perfection” – those are actually base-line requirements within an average relationship.

      Honey, how you will find him, is by becoming the woman who will not accept any less than what a healthy relationship requires. That’s our development that we all need to do to find healthy, safe, happy love after narcissists.

      I truly, truly recommend committing to totally marrying (healing and liberating) your inner being (Have you worked with NARP?) before even considering another partner – or you could and probably will sell out to “less than” again – because that is what we do when our Inner Love Identity has not been healed yet.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        Julia
        February 23, 2018

        Hi Melanie!
        One thing I always forget…I must stop comparing myself to other people! Those people that are seemingly “happy couple”, I don’t really even known them! I just thought, when one beautiful summer day me and the n were sitting on a terrace of one restaurant, having a good time, I looked pretty and had lost weight (because of the original happiness he brought to me) and his behaviour was nice and normal that day…I bet many people were looking at us, thinking we are the “happy couple”, in harmony, really a normal couple. I thought so too!
        Today I subscribed to some emailing list and then there comes this automatical response, “confirm that you are a human”. Heh, that’s what I’d like to say to the next potential partner too! 🙂
        It’s shocking with n’s, the person can look like a human, but really isn’t! Sometimes I think if I would be happier, not knowing now afterwards he is a n. And think that he dumped me, because he “wasn’t interested enough”, “had found someone else” or whatever reason, I mean this can happen, even if the man is normal. But then I found your website…I think I needed to become aware of his narcissism, because I needed to become aware of some (unhealed) aspects of ME. If I hadn’t, I’d probably continued like this the rest of my life, even attracting new n’s :/

        He left me so shockingly, suddenly, “without warning”, it was nowhere near a normal way to end a relationship. Ever since, he has been firmly silent. I couldn’t say goodbye or anything. Part of me would like to see him, “one last time”. Of course he refuses to do this.

        I have read here all the horrors of n’s. And I myself have personally received this bizarre, disappointing, painful behaviour from him many times. Why I can’t stop remembering and thinking about him warmly, in a a loving and caring way?

  • AmySoprano@gmail.com'
    Amy
    February 22, 2018

    The connection between work and partner respect really connected with me, as did the paddock imagery. Thank you!

    For me what came up was:

    My work matters intrinsically.
    My work helps people discover and share their voices.
    My work helps people connect with their truth.

    This is so helpful, since my old truth is that my work does not matter and contributes nothing to society. I am a singer and music teacher in a world that cuts budgets for traditional music programs. But am I traditional? No! So the traditional responses to my work hurt but don’t resonate. Now I can see that what I do matters, and that my path forward may be something I can’t see yet, but all I have to do is take the next step (like the above poster who plans on getting in a pack of alpacas, hehe).

    Thank you again, this video has been especially helpful for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2018

      Hi Amy,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you – I thought it would for many in this Community 🙂

      Go get it Amy – you’re onto this!!

      Mel xo

  • Cheriseaustindesota@gmail.com'
    Cherise Austin
    February 22, 2018

    To be heard
    Listened to
    Respected
    Loved with
    Kindness and interest
    Considerate ness
    Hugs
    Empathy aware
    Socially Active
    Free to be light and airy and happy
    Artistic creative

  • pamfulton123@yahoo.com'
    Pam Fulton
    February 23, 2018

    What I insist on from a partner:

    Honesty
    Integrity
    Kindness
    Respect
    Love
    Affection
    Monogamy
    Trust
    Support
    Friendship
    Good humor
    Open communication
    Freedom
    Empathy
    Compassion
    Dedication
    Loyalty
    Service
    Healthy Pride
    Healthy Ego
    Boundaries
    I am capable of all these qualities as well.

  • lcerutti@bodyworks-pt.com'
    Lisa M Cerutti
    February 23, 2018

    Love, Respect, Support

  • Settravel@hotmail.com'
    Sandy
    February 23, 2018

    What do you do if your grown children are treating you like your narc husband , and he has turned them against you.

  • kamartinez99@yahoo.com'
    Kelley
    February 23, 2018

    Trust and respect

  • catherinetp@gmail.com'
    Catherine Travers
    February 23, 2018

    Honesty
    Kindness
    Loyalty
    Compassion
    Empathy
    Integrity

  • J.onofri32@gmail.com'
    JJ
    February 23, 2018

    Ooooh. MELANIE,

    You found me!!!!! I thought I was alone until your narcissist fighting martial arts saved my sanity but also changed my life. All of the gas lighting tequniques, boundary tips, self love and healing wounds works for me…. I could go on about what the narcissist pulled on me but it looks like you already know…Thank You. (my neck aches and back aches went away the same day I did one quantum healing) my friends who don’t get it say it must have been just mental. Instead of questioning myself now I understand they may not be able to get it. Thank You!!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2018

      Hi JJ,

      that is awesome you are on your way and doing so well.

      POWER to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jenniforlife1@gmail.com'
    Jennifer Mathew
    February 24, 2018

    Thank you for this post. In response to your request to write out what we want for ourselves/to be I have the following:

    In my inner sacred space and in all my cells I am building and more and more becoming:

    being my own source of unconditional love, acceptance, support, friendship, peace, happiness, joy, deep deep self respect, safety, survival, security, success, truth, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, insight, discernment, discovery, creativity, growth and development, warmth, strong identity, confidence, courage, integrity, virtue, appreciation, gratitude, forgiveness, compassion, fairness, clarity, fun, health, humility, cooperation, eternity, gentle self talk, gentle self treatment, deep deep connection to self/life/God/others, innocence, spirituality, strength, focus, balance of time and resources, resilience, relief, wonder, patience, leadership (especially to my children), and healthy boundaries.

    I wish the same from life, self, God, and others.

    I pause during every shift and take time to feel each on one of these in my sacred space and when the angels are working on my genes. It has swiftly changed my internal composition.

    At night I also make notes in a journal and feel these aspects of self and life I wish to develop, and in addition to these, I also feel my children developing these realities. It has transformed our household from being one that was limited and worried defensively about narcissists, to one that is empowered and greatly thriving.

    Blessings and love,
    -Vail

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 24, 2018

      Hi Vail,

      that is wonderful that you are doing the inner works with NARP and that your inner being is shifting into freedom and health.

      Thank you for your very beautiful and inspirational share.

      Mel xo

  • jenniforlife1@gmail.com'
    Jennifer Mathew
    February 24, 2018

    Perhaps another simple way to describe maintaining boundaries would be to live our beliefs and go where they take us.

    Blessings,
    Vail

  • jenniforlife1@gmail.com'
    Jennifer Mathew
    February 24, 2018

    Also, I didn’t realize personal names showed here. If there’s any way to edit out a persona name from a response, I’d be most grateful. But if you cannt, I understand.

    Thanks!
    J. Mathew

  • michellepdaniel@gmail.com'
    Michelle Daniel
    February 24, 2018

    Passion, Love, Kindness, Live life now!

  • radmosaic@gmail.com'
    Opal
    February 24, 2018

    Wow one of your best commentaries, thank you Melanie! PS love your hair! New highlights? You are always beautiful inside and out, and thank you for all you do for us. You and your website and the NARP group helped me heal! Worth every cent to join . I am myself again. Have hope everyone, we can all do it!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 24, 2018

      Hi Opal,

      thank you lovely lady.

      Yes, re my hair – they are!!

      I am so pleased NARP has helped you so much 🙂

      Mel xo

  • t.kgreidanus@gmail.com'
    Kimberly
    February 24, 2018

    Honesty, Humility, Unity, Desire to have The Lord #1 in their lives as an individual and as a couple, Respect, Love, Leadership as God calls for every husband to be in the marriage, not afraid to be vulnerable with feelings of truth…so much more

  • jenniforlife1@gmail.com'
    Jennifer Mathew
    February 24, 2018

    I will, thank you, Melanie!

    Blessings,
    J. Mathew

  • ursusventures@gmail.com'
    Ellen Kelly
    February 25, 2018

    Curious, Respectful, Joyful, Awake

    Thank you Mel for this post – eerie timing and exactly what I needed. I now have a picture of my field of beautiful horses behind these amazing black fences that I’ve only seen in Tennessee. I already had a chance to practice keeping my field safe and it worked!!! I wish everyone could see the picture in my mind. So beautiful and worth protecting. Blessings be to all NARPers. We went through hell for a reason and the other side is extraordinary riches.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2018

      Hi Ellen,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      So many blessings to you Lovely Lady.

      We SURE did! It all awaits!

      Mel xo

  • born2dance66@yahoo.com.au'
    Donna
    February 25, 2018

    What I want and need in a partner:

    Honesty
    Integrity
    Respect
    Open Dialogue
    Support
    Comfort
    Kindness
    Humour
    Accountability
    Compassion
    Nurturing
    Stability
    Giving
    Quality Time
    Empathy
    Trust
    Affection
    Love
    Friendship
    True Intimacy
    Companionship
    Encouragement
    Solution Oriented
    Vulnerability
    Resilient
    Peaceful

  • muslin_h@hotmail.com'
    Muslin
    February 28, 2018

    Engaged listening
    Always upholding the greater kindness rather than self-serving tendencies
    True intimacy
    Honesty
    Taking personal responsibility
    Authenticity
    Love of truth
    Independence
    Respect
    Compassion
    Empathy
    Self-awareness
    Constantly striving to spiritually evolve
    Trusting intuition
    Humour
    True self-love

  • adrennam@hotmail.com'
    Michelle
    February 28, 2018

    This was great Mel. I’ve been doing the online dating on and off for over the last several months. It has really helped me become clearer about who I am and what I desire. I’ve been able to trust myself and walk away from anyone who is not in alignment with me. I can literally feel myself getting it and I am proud of myself.

  • lovingblessedhomes@gmail.com'
    Rhonda
    March 2, 2018

    kindness
    strength
    generosity
    compassion
    productivity
    family
    friends
    ministry

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    March 15, 2018

    Beautiful episode. Thank you, Melanie.

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    March 17, 2018

    I want transparency, kindness, spiritual, loyalty, a teammate and soulmate

  • mike@getwellindy.com'
    Michael Fischer
    March 18, 2018

    teamwork, quality listening, clarity of communication

    health – good food – honoring boundaries –

  • bkb2012@gmail.com'
    Barbara
    March 29, 2018

    I set boundaries. He walked all over them. During divorce, I set boundaries. He robbed me. I set legal boundaries, up-leveled. Worked with authorities. Installed surveillance. Stayed calm. Documented all moments. Worked with counselors. Up-leveled. Converting my subconscious mind – deal with subtle energy body and family of origin issues – focus on positives & forward progression. 4-yr divorce. Converting old programs and more beliefs as they surface. Work with NARP.

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    May 1, 2018

    I am worthy and have value.
    I am supported abundantly by the universe, and guided towards a great career doing work I love and become great at, that supports my family well, no matter what my age or past history is.
    Along my life journey I also meet and join with a life partner with whom there is mutual love, respect, liking and tenderness, passion, honesty and integrity, and we mutually support each other to grow and love life.

  • klaas.ruysschaert@gmail.com'
    Klaas
    May 29, 2018

    Thank you so much for this. I understand that the keywords of my True Self are (as are yours) “Honesty, Kindness, Loyalty and Team work”.
    I wrote them down on a peace of paper while watching your video and I drew a big fence around them. And suddenly, it hit me.
    I have not been faithful to my own True Self and I did allow my narcissistic ex-partner, who had no respect for those qualities, in.
    Not only did I let her in. I also let my true self out by abandoning my own key values (and ironically “Loyalty” is one of them).
    Now I understand that I wasn’t even loyal to myself. Let alone “Kind” or “Honest”.
    This means a lot to me. Thank you so much. This might be a real game changer for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2018

      Hi Klaas,

      I am so pleased this has resonated with you and helped you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lizajft@yahoo.ca'
    Liza
    June 26, 2018

    Love, honesty, respect, faithfulness, teamwork, generosity , quality time together.

  • chandapie@cox.net'
    Chanda
    July 16, 2018

    Peace
    Kindness
    Truthfulness
    Compassion
    Loyalty
    Love
    Creativity
    Friendship
    Health
    Mindfulness

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