Narcissists would like to think that they are unique. But they’re not.
It’s astounding how narcissists say the same things and it’s actually FREAKY!
In this Thriver TV episode I share with you how virtually all narcissists behave in certain situations, how they will react, and the exact (or close enough) words that commonly come out of their mouths.
I also explain what you can do to not be affected by this ridiculousness!
Video Transcript
I remember over a decade ago, when I started reaching out to people about my narcissistic abuse experience, people commonly said, “That’s exactly what the narcissist said to me too!”
Narcissists would like to think that they are unique. But they’re not.
They are in fact incredibly predictable, and that’s what I want to share with you today – how virtually every narcissist will behave almost identically, in the following situations.
So, watch on to find out how they do!
#1 When Asked For Your Needs To Be Met
“It’s always all about you!”
When trying to negotiate with the narcissist, a lot of what you’re asking for is just common decent behaviour.
You are not asking for the narcissist to fly to the moon for you.
As examples, if you asked to be spoken to nicely, or to be allowed to know the narcissist’s plans and how they may affect you (simple human requests) the narcissist will take umbrage and tell you how unreasonable, and even selfish, this is.
This is where you can feel like you are going crazy, trying to get a child in an adult’s body to understand that a healthy relationship requires care and consideration for one another.
The narcissist simply does not get this, even about basic things, let alone the extreme bad behaviour that he or she does act out.
When you heal for real from narcissistic abuse, I promise you that you will deeply embody that it is healthy for you to speak up for what you need, and know that you deserve to have your needs heard and met by another healthy adult.
And, you will never accept less than this again.
#2 When You Are Leaving Them
“You will never find anybody like me!”
Other variations to this expression are, “You will never find anybody who loves you as much as I do” and “You know that you can’t live without me.”
It’s not until we heal that we realise how ludicrous this really is – we don’t want to ever find anybody like them again and live the torturous life that we’ve been having!
Yet, when you are still emotionally enmeshed with the narcissist, one of their greatest tactics to keep you hooked as supply is to make you feel dependent and helpless without them.
It’s about having you believe that your life going forward on your own will be one of terrible loss.
I promise you that when you go through your Thriver Healing process, you will discover that this is totally not the case! Rather, you will be thrilled that you are free, and you’ve left all of this pain, confusion, and abuse behind.
And you will become self-generative – meaning happy, confident and whole in your own skin.
#3 When Being Confronted
“Here we go again!” (Accompanied with a sarcastic eye roll).
Other variations of this one are, “You are crazy” and “You are the only person I ever have this trouble with.”
This is invalidation at its finest. This is how the narcissist can make you start to doubt your own sanity and believe that there is something wrong with you.
Invalidation of your feelings and being unwilling to meet you and talk about what concerns you is painful enough, yet narcissistic abuse takes this to another level.
Narcissists know how to not just invalidate you, but to also demean your character and sanity at the same time.
It’s little wonder that so many people feel like it must be their fault and suffer terrible assaults on their self-esteem and personal identity.
I really want you to know that my Thriver Healing process, that is the NARP Program, transforms you to a wholeness and self-validation which means you will no longer try to get understanding from somebody who refuses to give it to you.
Rather, if you have confronted somebody deficient in resources to be humble, real and to engage in healthy communication with you, and they are unable to, then you will disengage, move on and create healthy relationships with those who can.
#4 When Treating You Horribly
“But I love you!”
When this happens it feels so crazy, because it could be said when the narcissist is telling you all the things that are wrong with you.
Or whilst the narcissist is telling you that he or she is going to leave you.
It could even be said to you amongst the most horrendous insults, name-calling, and so much worse.
As many people discover, these words hold very little weight when the actions simply don’t match them. Additionally, the narcissist is capable of horrific discards and even replacing you with fresh and new supply at a moment’s notice.
Of course, someone who really loves you doesn’t behave like this!
This I can assure you, after going through your true recovery from the inside out, you will know what real love is. No longer will you be emotionally dismayed that somebody does not have the resources to love you genuinely. This is because you now have solid and real authentic love already going on within yourself.
This is an absolute truth that we discover after Thriver Recovery – you will never accept a level of love below the level that you have been able to establish in your self-partnering with yourself.
You will no longer agonise about someone’s lack of capacity to love you. It’s just not a match for who you are now.
This is when real love that is genuine and wholesome can and will come into your life.
#5 When Confronted For Adulterous Behaviour
“You have jealousy issues!”
Generally, the narcissist will start attacking you with counter-accusations if you are getting close to catching them out.
The narcissist is totally invested into proving that you are wrong, and they are above reproach.
He or she does this by trying to get you to doubt yourself and start to believe that maybe you are insecure and don’t have a right to believe or think the things that you do.
After healing yourself into being a whole and empowered individual, you will know what you do and don’t deserve in your life. You will be willing to take a stand to lose it all to get it all, meaning that unless there is proof there is no truth.
And if there is no truth then you move away, heal and start to generate healthy, trustworthy and genuine relationships instead of ones filled with deception and betrayal.
#6 When You Want Accountability
“You are damaged from your past!”
If you ask the narcissist for clarification, he or she is likely to tell you that you have trust issues as a result of the problems that you’ve experienced in your past. And of course, the narcissist purports that this has nothing to do with his or her behaviour now.
Many of us, who have been narcissistically abused, are good people who take personal responsibility. It is very usual for people like us to try to fix ourselves to try to make our relationships better.
The narcissist may capitalise on this, especially if we don’t know how to create healthy boundaries, honour ourselves and leave if these boundaries are not respected.
This I can assure you, whilst healing from narcissistic abuse with NARP (the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program), you will know that your boundaries and truth reside in the present. You will also know that the past has absolutely nothing to do with you knowing your values and your rights today.
NARP grants you the potential to never be derailed again from stating and knowing what your boundaries are with a narcissistic individual.
#7 When Using Circular Arguments
“Stop raising your voice!”
Another version of this is, “I’m not talking to you until you speak to me respectfully!”
Narcissists have all sorts of nasty tools in their arsenal to make you feel like your head is spinning in an argument with them. They refuse to stay on topic and use all sorts of defensive comments and nasty projections that are so violating, that it is usual for you to lose all emotional stability.
Then, when you get triggered and angry, the narcissist goes from bait to switch and turns it all back on you.
Those of us who have been abused by narcissists know exactly how epically maddening this is.
During Thriver Recovery, you go through a powerful evolution where you know how to stay only on the topic and refuse to go down rabbit holes with the narcissist (which is where he or she loves to take you).
Then, if the narcissist won’t comply, you detach, detox from him or her and take what is necessary to the next level. When you know how to no longer be triggered and have your facts straight and in line, it is far easier to defeat the narcissist than you might think.
#8 When Gaslighting You
“They know who you are!”
The narcissist will tell you how selfish, immoral and nasty your character is and how other people have found you out and are even talking about your defectiveness behind your back.
Because you do have a good character, it is beyond devastating to be accused of things that are not what you do and also frustratingly know that they are actually how the narcissist behaves.
After healing for real from narcissistic abuse, you will no longer get hooked in by this.
Because you are now totally comfortable in knowing who you are, and are no longer attached to what other people do or don’t think about you. You know that the people who are meant to be in your life will know you for who you really are, and the ones that don’t are totally entitled to their opinion.
It’s not important what other people think about you. It’s important what you think about you.
#9 When Breaking Promises
“Just because I didn’t do what you wanted when you wanted it.”
Narcissists don’t like to comply. They have no desire to be a team player or do things for you that would make you happy (unless there is an agenda attached).
It’s much more preferable to the narcissist to use promises to manipulate you, to get what they want, and to let you down and hurt you when he or she wants to lash out and punish you.
Then the narcissist will twist it all back on you and make it your fault, telling you that your expectations are unreasonable.
During your Thriver Recovery, statements like this will no longer affect you. You will know that they are utter lunacy because real healthy people not only want to commune, care and assist those they love, they also have the emotional resources to do so.
#10 When Abusing You
“You make me behave like this!”
This is the classic narcissistic way of not taking responsibility for horrible behaviour and blaming you for it.
If you believe it, you will try to change your reactions and responses to have a better relationship with the narcissist. However, you will discover that none of this works; the narcissist will still behave terribly regardless of what you try to amend or do differently.
As a result of healing from the inside out with NARP, you will no longer be scapegoated for someone else’s disgraceful and abusive behaviour. Never again will you take responsibility for it. Rather you will leave, heal yourself back to wholeness, and enter and maintain relationships with people who would never have the capacity to behave like this.
Healing From All Of This!
It is eerily freaky how narcissists say the same things!
You may wonder how this is possible. Really, this is simply the product of a disordered Inner Self who refuses to take personal responsibility and suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Until we know better, of course we argue with this behaviour and try to sort it out to make this person see sense and behave decently.
But to no avail!
I hope you can understand that these types of behaviours are narcissistic defence mechanisms that can’t be reasoned with.
This is why you have to find another way, a way that works.
To explain in detail what I have been touching on in this video, I have put together a free 16 Day Recovery Course to help you gain clarity, support and relief.
Please share this video with others who you know are suffering from the insanity of narcissistic abuse.
And as always, I look forward to answering your questions and your comments below.
Thank you for sharing.
Oof. #2. “You’ll never find anything as good as this again.”
Fortunately I had already started to break the spell. I didn’t let it pull me back in, thankfully.
#3 manifested as cruel, derisive laughter. They threw things or otherwise behaved very badly when angry and scared me a little, but when I finally got up the nerve to say that they have an anger problem and should get help for it, the laughter response was such a cruel and immediate shut-down. Like I was the disturbed one for daring to even suggest it.
#8 Was very painful during the relationship. Afterwards, from looking at some literature on narcissistic abuse, I realized that the person was projecting their worst qualities on me all while taking credit for my talents and accomplishments.
Looking back, it’s hard to believe I allowed someone to convince me so thoroughly that I’m not a good person – but then again that already comes from some core beliefs I’ve held on to for too long. Slowly letting it all go and doing my own healing.
Thanks for sharing your insights and your healing tools. They have definitely helped.
Hi J.B.,
You are very welcome and am so pleased that I have been able to help.
It’s so wonderful that you are healing you, moving in the clarity and getting up and out of the stuff!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
My younger sister actually sent me information when I couldn’t figure out what was happening after 21 years and all the abuse: verbal, emotional, spiritual and eventually physical. She watched me become a shell of myself over 21 years. Thank you for your insight. His tactics had names! Gaslighting, all the lies, making me feel like I had disrespected boundaries…lol…Thank you, turning a corner but still lots of work to do.
I am right with you in this, mine is 20 years. He didn’t get physical but over the years he had thrown things, jumped up at me etc to make me think he would, but all rhe other stuff he has done. Telling people I’ve done things I didn’t do, lying and making himself look good. He was doing good deeds to make himself look so go in public, but yet in private he was a jerk. my young son he always called names, i have a post he did calling my son a name. I told him to stop, my son is good and his bio son isn’t a good kid, he lies, steals, and does drugs, but mine went a different way joined the military and is doing good and helping me. While his own bio son is still living at home with mom, got busted for drugs last year, is 28 yrs old, still dont have a regular job. He is doing things some of my friends what I do have they know me and how I am and yet he is trying to provoke me so I go to jail etc i dont go out unless someone is with me cant trust him at all. Less than a cou ple weeks its over, and i will be moving over 10 hours away from my current location to get away from him.
I have been in a narcissistic relationship on and off now for nearly 2 years. I can only describe this experience as crippling repetitive strain for the brain. The emotional/psychological abuse has been a real test of my strength as a person. He has said and done every single element contained within this article it’s staggering how every word resonates . My struggle to break free from the cycle of it all is very real at this time, it’s happening now as I try to hold down. I hate myself for the amount of times I have returned to him only for the next episode to occur within days of me walking on an ocean of eggshells. It’s true they don’t change. It’s true that every episode Gets more insulting, more damaging to self worth and self esteem. The name calling, the rage, the entrenched hatred, the discards, silences, disappearing and blame shifting it’s all there. Articles like this validates matters they keep me sane, therapy helps, as does the support of good friends. This is such an uphill climb to healing from this experience and I am learning that only the strongest survive. I am sending out love and support for all those reading this comment who are navigating their way through it. Keep strong.
Hi L,
I really want to know sweetheart that there is a more direct and powerful way to heal and get free from this.
Please L come into my free masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass so that I can show you how to get true hope, power and relief.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
My ex-narc used to accuse me of being a narcissist when he was attacking me verbally and I would defend myself. If I got angry from the frustration of trying to communicate with him when he was in the mood to argue, he would say “This conversation is going nowhere!” And then storm off because he couldn’t convince me that I was whatever name he was calling me.
His favourites were ‘liar’ (because I said I like to drive and he took that to mean I would be his designated driver ALL the time even in an ice storm), ‘such a princess,’ (because I had a need or desire that he didn’t feel was valid, like stopping on a road trip for a coffee or to pee, but it was always ok for him to stop to buy alcohol) ‘narcissist,’ (whenever I didn’t agree with his personal attacks and got hurt, shocked, or offended by his harsh words), and my favorite ‘the weirdest girl I’ve ever met’ (because I really do love coffee- almost as much as he loves alcohol. I kind of took the last one as a compliment- lol. I know I’m weird!) I realize now ALL of his attacks and name-calling were just projections. He’s the narc, the liar, the little prince, and the weirdo!
When I called him out for cheating on me in our very last text exchange after I’d moved out (which is just a very strong suspicion, but I’m a Scorpio so I trust my intuition), he threatened to block my number because he didn’t want to hear my conspiracy theories! I said- Go Ahead!!! Block me!! I guess he did since we’ve not been in contact for 3 months. That was the nicest thing he could have done for me and probably why I was so harsh with him. He’d already started the love-bombing two days after I’d moved and I was a little surprised but not falling for THAT again. I can’t be the love of his life and the person that he resents for giving up ‘everything’ for at the same time.
Looking back I can’t believe I stayed with him for nearly two years! WTF! The love bombing came first, then the moving in together after about 4 months (Ikr) and once he got what he wanted- boom! The mask started to slip and it just got worse and worse and worse. I kept holding on, waiting for it to go back to ‘before,’ making excuses like the move was stressful or we are just tired or he has a lot on his plate at work these days. Urgh!
Sorry this is so long. He is not my first narc. I think my mom is one, my oldest sister for sure, my ex-monster-in-law, my ex-husband, another ex-boyfriend (he was the MASTER- I was totally addicted -peptide addicted- to him!) and then the most recent one. After the MASTER Narc, I found Melanie and bought the NARP program but never had the courage to do it fully, so I ended up with another one. And now I’m back and scared as all get out to face my wounded parts, but it’s either “heal for real” (as Melanie says) or be alone b/c I’m scared to end up with another narc.
I have signed up for the free seminar next week, but it seems I can’t get the free 16 day recovery course because I have already done it (way back in 2015), but no worries. There’s plenty on the blog and the videos to keep me on track. What I really need to do is the modules, which I still have. I have to confess something though. Listening to videos about the narcissist in a strange way makes me still feel connected to him. I still feel “IN” the relationship, which is not what I want. It’s become my new way to avoid dealing with my own inner wounds. But now I am going to stop that because I know enough about narcs. I need to focus on me from now on. THANK YOU MELANIE!!! For all that you do- seriously-for your wisdom and experience. NARP is truly the only way out of this. Many blessings and lots of hugs!
Hi Melissa,
it really is so true that NARP is your answer http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp because finally, you will be able to find and release the traumas that have unconsciously kept you in the painful cycles honey.
I promise you that when you turn inward to self partner and do the inner work with NARP, even though of course it is initially confronting, you will find the love, relief, release and wholeness that you’ve been looking for your whole life.
That’s what NARP will bring to you!
Please note that we are all there for you in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to hold your hand and heart all the way when you need us.
So much love to you Melissa, it is your time!
Mel 🙏💕💛
I could have written this word for word! Our stories are very similar. My Narc kicked me out for his EX though about 6 months after I moved in. I was literally homeless! I went a purchased my own home that could never happen to me again. He just ended up kicking her out a month later. Coming to my house punching holes in my walls, spinning tires on my front lawn, demanding that I sell my house and come back to him. I refused to sell my home. It was not a pleasant month of living out of my car. I was sooooo blind and confused that I didnt even think to go stay with a family member. I was completely isolated an alone. Over the next 3 years it was back and forth. I didnt realize what was happening to me until recently. I also believe my mother is a Narc. I actually work for her. It’s a crazy life, the only one i know. However, I can not do this anymore. I’ve never been so ready to find MYSELF and stop letting other dictate my life. Happy Healing xxx – Kellie
Ah yes! #4….a variation-“I only hurt the ones I love”- really quite sick. He knew he hurt me and his kids but that meant he loved us! I’ve always had a problem with this saying. And #5, of course..he told me, “I must have my friends! This relationship won’t work unless I can have my friends”….and then cue the later scene of seeing the text messages to and from “friends”…ugh. He would be semi aware though. Once he went through his old letters and came out of his office, devastated, saying rereading them made him realized that he hadn’t changed in 30 years! He still did the same patterns. He was upset with himself but still could not change.
More and more, I am seeing him objectively. One of the last things he said to me was that I was just like him, no better (I had not made that claim), even though we both agreed to the split. Some conversations (if you can call them that even) were surreal.
Hi Jacquie,
It is so surreal! I’m so pleased that you’re getting clarity.
Sending you to love healing and breakthrough for your life ahead.
Please come into my free masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass , I know how much it will help you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
It happens with work narcs too…..different dynamic, same behavior …..even if one has done the work on the triggers, Eventually you have to leave…..we can pick partners but we never know who works at a workplace.
Hi Bee,
That is very true. It can happen with any narcissist anywhere.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
It took me so long to get a help on this issue. I thank God I found the right place.
These 10 “stories” is a fact thats why I said I needed to do something to heal fro this trauma.
The 16 day healing process is really helpful to me. I have started to come out from the spider’s web.
Am looking forward to learn nore from the masterclass.
Thank you Melanie
Hi Maryam,
I’m so pleased that you have found this too!
That’s awesome that you’re coming into the masterclass with me Maryam, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass.
I can’t wait to help you there
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
A brilliant article 🙂 I read the transcript and everything resonated with me.
Thank you
So pleased you loved it Jane!
You are very welcome and Bless
Mel 🙏💕💛
I read that article and smiled to myself whilst ticking off each saying
I’ve learnt so much about narcissistically inclined individuals
But I have learnt even more about myself, they really do uncover your areas of work
I am healing abandonment issues, finally. I didn’t love myself, care for myself and treat myself with respect therefore I chose a man that matched me. He made every nightmare I had come true
Once I did start loving myself and it’s taken a long time, I have realised just how nice it is to be everything I ever wanted from others, for myself!
That giving love, care, trust, respect etc to others without filling myself up first is not selfless but in fact selfish because when I did used to give those things freely to others without giving them to myself, the hidden expectation was wanting it all back from them – to make me feel better.
Now I give to myself and my daughter will see that and hear how I speak to myself which will help her navigate through life with a sense of self love
Thank you for all that you do 💛
Hi Amanda,
they so do!
That’s brilliant you’ve turned inwards and you are healing those parts of you that require bringing back to wholeness.
I love that!
Much love to you and your daughter Amanda, and thank you for being a powerful force of love.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi, big thank you for all your work.
My question:
At this stage I can not afford to go no contact which I know is the only way to heal totally , becouse he owes me a lot of money that he pays occasionally if I “play” along. If I would not, my son would have to pay his debts and that is not acceptable. Ex ruined 30 yrs of my life so I would do anything he doesn’t ruin my son’s life.
So , in my mind, I need to manipulate him ( I learned so much from you about this kind it is now easy).It is exhausting, I do not feel as a good person (becouse there is no need for revenge anymore, just mind games on my side), eventually I get what I want(in 2 yrs I got half of it back).
Im still entageled, occupied with ex, although otherwise I am satisfied with my progress and my life.
Is there any other why, I would apreciate any sugestion.Tnx
Hi Sabina,
thank you and it’s my pleasure.
Please note Sabina there have been many people in this community who have started healing powerfully whilst still being connected to the narcissist. It’s more of a challenge but it is definitely possible.
I would highly suggest you come into my free masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass , where you will learn the deeper layers of this and how to negotiate this in order to get what you want without losing your soul.
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
Please give those of us suffering from COVERT Narcissistic Abuse some help! My abuser, (future ex), is so highly intelligent and so adored and loved by everyone at church and in our community, including our two children who have been programmed to believe the divorce is all my fault, I’m isolated and unable to say anything or defend myself to my kids. My children treat me with disdain and his flying monkey(s) are ruining my reputation. I am his only “supply” and it’s been incredibly difficult to find anyone to understand or even believe what he’s done to me for 27 years. Please please help.
It’s basically impossible to find an available counselor or therapist that knows much about Covert abuse. It would be incredibly helpful if you could create a list of therapists that know about Covert Narcissists who would be willing to skype.
Hi Candi,
I have created quite a few resources on this topic, if you Google my name and covert narcissist you will see them.
Also, Candi please know that my masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass is about profound healing from every type of narcissist, including coverts. There are many people in this community, myself included, who have healed from covert narcissists, as well as incredibly publicly altruistic narcissists (such as you are describing) and not just survived the effects of them (including smearing and alienation), but also thrived in our new life going forward.
My NARP program humbly has created unprecedented healing for thousands of people from over 120 different countries, because it brings the power back to us. This is where it needs to be for us to be able to get up and out of the effects of narcissistic abuse, including covert narcissists.
I urge you to come into my free masterclass for more information and understanding about this.
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💛
The link does not work! I am another who needs help with a covert narcissist. It’s swimming upstream in so many ways. Thankfully, not to the judge, after four years of being taken to court- albeit a flourishing, absolutely remarkably advanced and kind, respectful and witty kiddo in all ways. But I may as well be a lifeless, drug addict and negligent criminal – thankful for the one judge who saw through it all.
Hi Jules,
I’m sorry that it wasn’t working, and please check it out now.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hello Candi – regarding your children, what’s happening to you is called ‘Parental Alienation’. Parents who alienate their children from the children’s other parent, especially when the alienation is severe, almost always have a Cluster B Personality Disorder. It’s more common for alienating mothers to have Borderline Personality Disorder, and more common for alienating fathers to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder – but often BPD’s also have some traits of NPD, and NPD’s also have some traits of BPD….
Parental Alienation has to be nipped in the bud as early as possible, as it can quickly take such a hold on the children that it can become very very difficult to reverse, and many alienated parents completely lose their children because of it. It can also cause personality disorders within the children, as well as addictions and other types of self-destruction, even suicide….. and that’s because children NEED to love and be loved by both of their parents, and parental alienation takes one of their needed parents away from them. No matter how alienated children appear on the outside, no matter how much they ‘treat you with disdain’, they are hurting inside and wishing that someone would save them from this pain.
So to find the right therapist for this situation, you should be looking for therapists who specialise or have experience in Parental Alienation. Dr Craig Childress is one of the foremost experts in Parental Alienation (look him up online), but he does not take on clients. HOWEVER, he WILL do phone consultations with therapists (note: with therapists only! He will not do direct consultation with parents). The first phone session he will do for free!
I suggest you watch these two videos of Dr Childress on YouTube first, titled 1) Parental Alienation – An Attachment-Based Model, and 2) Treatment of Attachment-Based ‘Parental Alienation’. Towards the end of the second video, he gives his email address for therapists to contact him through, to make arrangements to consult by phone with him. I have done this myself (my children have also been alienated from me by my narcissist ex), I have had a therapist who consulted with Dr Childress, with very good results! The problem is that ‘Parental Alienation’ is counterintuitive and so the vast majority of therapists who do not have in-depth knowledge of and experience in ‘PA’ are more likely to do harm than good, as based on what the alienated children are (falsely) saying about you, the therapists will tend to focus on YOU as the problem…. and that’s one of the biggest problems that alienated parents face.
Countering ‘Parental Alienation’ not only requires therapy for the children, it also requires a change within YOU, as you will need to be VERY VERY STRONG to be able to deal with with this (horrific) situation. And so also doing a program like Melanie Tonya Evans’s program, that helps to make you stronger within (“so within, so without”), is crucial. So start working on YOURSELF right away.
Wish you all the best xx
Hello Candi – I’ve responded to you further below (looks like my response went under the ‘wrong’ person’s name – hopefully this post here will appear under your specific post)
LeslieVernick.com addresses this kind of abuse in the Christian community. She cites biblical references to support actions one must take against the narc
Hi Melanie,
Another great video, thanks 🙂 Wow, you called it! 10 for 10! Happily I no longer need to figure him out, I just get on with my own life. Life is better this way.
Prayers and blessings to all on this journey – and profound gratitude to you and NARP gold 🙂
Peace and love –
Valerie
Hi Valerie,
thank you and I’m so pleased you enjoyed this!
How beautiful that is no longer anything about him. Yay!
I am so pleased that NARP has got you to this place http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Thank you for your blessings to all, and much love and blessings to you too sweetheart
Mel 🙏💕💛
No. 8 is so true, i had to hear it last night again. Everybody knows who i am and can see right through me and my Bulls…. I better step in line or else… Keep calling me names, telling me how wrong i am in life and with my child… He is the better parent… i won custody of our daughter in the divorce and he is convinced he can take her from me… what is the chances after the childrens court was involved.
Hi Melanie and readers,
My understanding of Narcissists is that:
they lack empathy,
are deceitful or secretive,
are manipulative.
I kept going back, because I believed that the words of love were SO EXTRAORDINARY, in spite of the horrible stuff. Then, I realised it was my OWN BELIEFS of what LOVE IS that had trapped me in an awful cycle of grief and then relief.
I have unmet needs from my babyhood on, and it was because of that I became an addict to that relationship.
I take responsibility for not knowing what LOVE is, and believing that the crumbs I was given was a feast!
Hi Sue,
it is so true that your power is through recognising and healing yourself.
Great job Sue and I love hearing about your breakthrough!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Haha, spot on! 🙂
I have another option for #9 When breaking promises:
– “I never promised THAT, I promised …(fiil in blank)!!!”. That´s what my N used to do 😀 OMG when I tried to reason with him and discuss and argue – “But you said this” – “No I didn´t” etc.
Luckily that is all behind me now and I can laugh about it, thanks to Melanies NARP program which I bought almost 3 years ago. Highly recommend it 🙂
Hi Jenna,
that’s wonderful that you can laugh now and that NARP delivered you to the other side!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
So, a lot of this has been my experience but also I have been told and I have and some of these things I know I have said.
Like the you won’t find another me.
I’ve never cheated on anyone.
I never lied to his face about anyone.
And I didn’t leave and lie about that and sell
Our home from underneath him and a list of others very hurtful things.
I do spend so much time trying to convince him that if he would just treat me like the human being he does and has treated others. 11 years of marriage. Many of it with little self-worth and zero financial control.
But I just keep worrying if it is all my fault? I finally told him a could months ago I thought he is narcissistic. And sometimes my temper gets the best of me and I finally have a short lived flare up of anger and tell him he is creep
( daughters 19 year old best friend, that daughter was 17 then. … the same daughter told family last week I just needed to get a job and I was lazy. I work non stop to try and learn a new skill and my childhood best friend basically supports us more than 50%. I have pretty much cried 323 days a year for the last 3 years since our D-day…. and just kept following him anyways, finally an I tee still from some friends convinced me to stop doing what he tells me and not follow him across the country, had to
Move out of our home he sold, under market value for the cost of the loan supposedly… and yet, while sleeping with his 15 years younger than him sister-in-law’s little sister… he demands I brung our younger daughters to live where he has chosen to live… because it is where he decided to take a job.) I could go on. But then I instantly doubt myself. Am I doing it right now? Am I trying to spin a victim story? Am I missing something? Am I delusional?
I am exhausted. About 2am moment and so much guilt, grief and sleepless night filled with insecurities.
I also have expressed how hurtful – devastating his actions are and then cry about loving him. That’s kinda on the list.
And ya, he hasn’t really loved me or said it in three years either.
And the kids miss him and I doubt my self non stop. And I feel so bad that my friend here gives so much and I fear disappointing her.
How I even came across the term narcissism is watching YouTube videos on self held stuff. And one of them wasn’t on that. And it said if you find yourself recording your conversations to just prove to yourself you aren’t crazy.
…
I had begun doing that months before. Just so I could privately listen when he denied an event and double check if I was crazy. I still have told him I had to do that, I don’t I’ve told him…. it gets blurry when I get too tired.
I just need to know if it is me. And then I want to fix me. And even that makes me fear If I’m gaslighting myself or something, a ploy subconsciously to avoid accountability by trying to be.
How does any one fix it or really know?
Hi Ke,
Please know Dear Lady that many of us behaved and did things that we were not proud of, because the truth is if you are with somebody who is sick who is abusing you, you get incredibly confused as well as sick.
This resource of mine may help you understand https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/am-i-the-narcissist/
Ke, in the insanity truly the only way out is to detach and heal. Because it is then that the clarity will come.
I completely understand her traumatised you feel because I have been there myself too. So many of us have in the deep throes of narcissistic abuse. Please consider coming into my free masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass To find some solutions and ways out of what you’re feeling right now.
Sending love and strength and healing to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I’m trying so hard to leave the narcissist, but he is making it totally hard. I had a stroke & was 302, because of him. I have been lied about, excused of taking a knife to someone. He even got our joint acct away from me & has our oldest & her husband, his brother & a few people have been hired to cause all kinds of trouble. The apt. manager is lying to me & I feel she believes them. I need the bank that the pension is coming from. He is paying my rent as control & she is accepting it. Doubt that is even legal. She is holding back information. I have been broken into & my medications & almost my computer were stolen. The apt won’t as much as changed the lock & I’m not suppose to have any stress. It’s not one, but many. Linkedin is no longer safe & neither is sharing these videos. These videos helped me know what I’m dealing with, but have also caused a lot of problems as well. I left him, but he will not leave me a lone. He’s in a federal medical building. I can’t handle how the apt. management is handling things. She is interfering with my getting help & I had it with people. I’m not going to date again. I gave men up for Lent. Quite frankly I’m going to isolate, because something bad almost everyday happens & I’m sick of it!!!
Hi Melanie!
It’s mother issue, again… I’m frustrated, why I don’t seem to get over this? I was n abused many years by a man (romantic partner) hit rock bottom and was an emotional wreck, I don’t even want to remember it anymore, because with lot of emotional work and thanks to you, I’m nowadays totally recovered. It felt like a miracle, we humans are surprisingly resilient!
But my mother…not sure what is her problem, but seems to have many n traits. You know, we can leave a romantic partner and never connect with that person again, but family members you just cannot “divorce” so easily (maybe some people can but that’s another topic…I don’t really even want to go that far).
But sometimes she is neutral, sometimes we are long time without no connect (because of some benign reason, she might be abroad for example), sometimes she’s even nice, funny, helpful and sometimes the abusive, terrible attacks occur. When she is in her “nice stage”, I feel maybe I was just exaggerating the issue or deny it…you know, it’s confusing.
But even if we are no connection, she still has an impact on me, has probably had my entire life. I’m 44 and just yesterday (!) for the first time ever in my life I realised, this my inner voice…it’s actually my mother’s voice, like an internalized mother, and somehow unconsciously I have started to “agree”, believe and identify with this voice. Well, I don’t “hear voices” but you know what I mean 🙂 This voice likes to tell me how bad, wrong, ugly, incapable, stupid, terrible, horrible, shameful and awful person I am. Intellectually I know it is not true. Just yesterday I actually realised, this voice isn’t telling the truth. It’s unbelievable how I have for decades actually believed that this voice was telling the truth about me!
I had this bizarre feeling, a huge awareness and awakening…it feels like my mother’s wounded parts somehow ended up inside of me. Now they are “my” issues and they never belonged to me in the first place! I’m suddenly so angry, why I have needed to carry this garbage for years and honestly thought I’M someone with “lot of issues”. I definitely understand now what you mean with true self!!
I’m confused, many healers and therapists say that we should love, embrace and accept all parts of ourselves, even the ones “we struggle with”. But now it feels bizarre, because now I see these wounded parts aren’t really “mine”, they are something my mother has “instilled” there, I think this is what projection means?
I have no desire to love and nurture “these parts” that are not mine, I’d much rather get rid of them and kick them in the a** and wave them goodbye 😀
So I feel little bit confused with this concept…what does loving, accepting, nurturing etc. mean in this case?
It also hurts me, when my mother attacks me in abusive way, which totally leaves me in a state of emotional shock for days…using common sense, normal, healthy people just don’t cause other people to feel this way…then afterwards she is like nothing has happened, she can go to theatre rehearsals, hobbies, travel, sing karaoke…continue happily her life with business as usual and everyone likes her. It’s awful. She couldn’t care less about my emotions, even if her behaviour matches with all possible traits of emotional abuse.
Ok, so now what? You probably recommend narp 🙂 Can that help permanently remove these wounded parts?
(funnily enough, I already feel better when I actually imagine them as some random loose parts…in no way they belong to me or ARE me!!) Will that inner (mother’s) voice ever disappear completely? Is one session usually enough, or is this process something that needs to be repeated multiple times? For example if I set an intention that now I have a session with the intention to get rid of these parts and this voice, can I do that? Is it then “done”?
I also feel little bit sad, I can change myself, but she will probably continue being the same way forever. Even if I’ve healed myself, I fear that interacting with her…there’s always this chance to become “re-poisoned”. What to do with this?
So much anxiety but also hope here…you know this feeling of being full of this “red, hot anger”, which I think in a benign way is actually the fuel for change, you know when one day you just have this feeling “I’ve had enough!” I’m actually proud of myself, that I start to stand up for myself: I will not tolerate abuse anymore! So many “millions dollar questions” here, I’d really appreciate to hear your wisdom about this.
Hi Anna,
please know Dear Lady it is very difficult to fully recover, or even partially recover, if you still have trauma wedged inside your inner identity from the abuse.
I totally agree with you, 100%, that our trauma has been impregnated into us from people outside of ourselves who also had trauma impregnated into them. These trauma programs are not who we really are!
Your true healing Anna is not about trying to learn how to be somebody different whilst carrying this inner trauma, it really is about being able to release the trauma and the painful belief systems and go free from them so that you can return to your True Self, a being living without this trauma.
That is exactly what my NARP program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is all about, and I would like you to come into my free upcoming masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass so that you can learn how to heal from this for real with NARP.
Yes, absolutely NARP can completely rid you of all of this trauma and pain and suffering, and free you into your True and True Life. It has done so already for myself and thousands of other people who have worked with it, including those who have suffered family of origin narcissism.
The process is something that you absolutely have to work at and dedicate to, as a lifestyle moving forward. Because this is the ultimate act of self partnering and self-love, to meet your inner being, free it from trauma, and reprogram yourself to your highest and best state – which is what NARP grants us the tools to do.
Please note, when you start dedicating to your inner healing with NARP, all the answers to your questions will start to fall into place, with peace, power and clarity.
I hope this helps
Sending love, healing and breakthrough to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you!
I happened to read this somewhere: “Like Narcissus in the Greek myth, she sees only a reflection of herself.” I was like, bingo!
For a very long time already, I have had this very bizarre feeling. If I talk with my mom and no-one else is there, there’s always this feeling like there’s also a “third person” present! Now I get it! This “third person” is…when my mother talks with me, she doesn’t see/connect with the true me, this “third person” is the reflection of HERSELF. Crazy, right? 🙂
I always feel so bad when she says horrible things to me/about me, and I’m baffled…like gosh, that just isn’t ME. Now I know, this is the projection happening. I feel relieved already!
Sometimes it feels incredibly sad, painful, frustrating…I’d really like to connect with her for real, and it’s just not possible 🙁
I’ve tried it for years and nope, not possible.
Now I have finally also started to profoundly understand what trauma and trauma identity means. Even if the traumatic situation isn’t happening anymore (like childhood, I’m an adult now) or are in no contact or distance myself from abusive people, the “stuff” has already sneaked inside of me and I continue to unconsciously “duplicate” and re-live it. Uff 🙁
Now I understand, what you have always said, that trying to make people outside of us change or trying to “figure out” them…it’s just useless here 🙂
When I have started to realise how these patterns have played out in my life (and have for years already!) I feel so angry, angry to my mother, to the n and all “unconscious” ancestors etc. And I know this anger is useless too…unconscious people are unconscious and therefore irresponsible 🙁
It just feels so wrong and unfair, it feels like someone would have dumped a pile of garbage into my garden without asking my permission and now it is my job to clean up the mess that they have created. It feels strongly wrong!
Melanie, did you ever felt this kind of anger, frustrated anger? Normally I’m not an “angry person” at all per se.
Sometimes this endearing thought comes into my mind: who I am really, what kind of a person I am without this trauma? “She” has been hiding so long…Will it come naturally when then trauma is gone, that I don’t need to try to “discover” or “create” a new, real me?
Hi Anna,
I totally understand and validate all that you are saying.
Yes absolutely the shift into your True Self, as well as the resolution emotionally to all you mentioned, happens organically as a result of releasing your trauma.
Love and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie
This is my 2nd attempt to purchase the NARP programme and I am still having problems . I really need it.
Hi Rosemarie,
I am sorry you are having this issue.
Please email [email protected] and one of my lovely team will be able to help you.
I look forward to seeing you in our NARP members forum.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hello Melanie,
thank you for your advice it has been really helpful. I was in a narcissistic relationship where he was so lovely at first and I felt that we connected really well. A few months down the line, he started to change when he could see that I was being kind/ friendly to him. He was a bit distant in communication, and I was never introduced to his family or friends. I felt like a dirty little secret.
The final straw came, when he went wild because I mentioned another male friend who I was going to go training with. My narc screamed/ shouted and grabbed me and threw me out of his home. But what I do not understand, is why is he so possessive of me, when he cannot even bring himself to tell me he loves me?
Hi Sandra,
you are very welcome.
Please understand that behaviour like that is never about care and love. This resource I may help you understand https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/pathological-jealousy-and-narcissism-why-you-can-never-earn-their-trust/
I hope that this can help clarify things for you
much Love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Really great video. It all resonated with me with what I experienced except I would ask him to stop shouting at me as when he went into a fit of rage he would let all the neighbours know. Its been been over a month and half since I left and I now have peace, serenity and not living in fear of when next time the rug would be pulled from beneath me. I bought the NARP program and and over the last few days I’ve seen HUGE changes. I notice for the first time I’m obsessing about him much less , I feel myself getting stronger and I’m really excited for my future. Thank you so much for this xx
Hi Andrea,
that’s so great that you have left, and I love that NARP is helping you so much http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Fabulous that you are doing this powerful inner work.
Bless you and much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Variation of #2 – “Nobody will ever love you like I love you!”.
My reply: (Laugh) and say Thank the good Lord no one will ever love me like that again!
I agree No Name!
Cheers
Mel 🙏💕💛
Funny how you started this out with their comment being “it’s always about you”. Because I say that, said that rather often. Why? Because every time I brought something up, which I no longer do, that I needed for him to start or stop doing, or maybe a feeling or emotion I had, he would simply ignore anything I said and start talking about himself. It’s always him bypassing my needs and going on and on about his. I no longer cast my pearls before swine.
Hi Karen,
so many of us did this as well!
You are so right there is no point continuing to try to make somebody get it, who simply won’t.
That’s great that you have detached from this nonsense
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Will the program help with healing from things he’s done that I would never tell my children because it would hurt them, meanwhile he paints a picture of me that is horrible. I know the truth and try to stay quiet but feel like after years of therapy and recently EMDR treatments to help alleviate some of the time of the abuse, I can’t stop being destroyed by how he paints me to the children and I feel like I can’t do anything.
I just want to be at peace. I left years ago and after time alone met a wonderful man who respects me and is completely different than him. I took time to learn to love and respect myself so if it was meant to be, I would attract the type of person that was healthy for me.
I feel like I still struggle with some scars and the triggers even with no contact that he still impacts me.
Hi Susan,
Yes NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp allows you to let go of everything that hurts. It truly has worked for myself and others to be able to let go of unspeakable horrors.
I hope this answers your question.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have been in no contact with my narcissist for 4 months. He was a vicious, cruel and mean soul who would take pleasure in tearing me apart and pointing out how many ways I was not good enough for him. He was emotionally and physically abusive. After many videos and articles I read and listened to, I was shocked at how typical his behavior was to what all the people who have suffered at the hands of their narcissists describe.
I realized that I had a pattern of the types of men I attracted and was attracted to. And I realized the relationships I had during my life were all abusive. I finally concluded that I have to work on me. I have the last narcissist to thank for this realization. i am worth giving myself the love and forgiveness I freely gave others in my life but never to myself before.
I look forward to the webinar next week and continuing on this journey. Melanie has shown me and so many others that the path to happiness is truly within us.
When I read the posts of others that are going through the throes of abuse my heart is with you. I never felt so alone as I did when I was with my abuser. Now I know I am not alone. Many good people have been where I am and made it out to a better life.
I look forward to continuing to learn with Melanie. Thank you for your work. It means the world to me and so many Thrivers-To-Be!
Hi Angela,
I love that you are ready to turn inwards and love and heal yourself back to your essential and organic wholeness. That is so beautiful!
That’s wonderful that you know that you’re not alone, and now know that there is a way through to the other side.
Sending you infinite love and blessings.
And I can’t wait to help you Thrive.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
You’re absolutely on the money with this post. Majority of these tactics were my experience with the narc ex husband for the 15 years that we were together. For example each time I wanted to leave him, he’d tell me that I would never find anyone like him and that I will suffer a terrible fate. This kept me with him for 15 years of which we were married for 12. Now whenever I think of the past and the things he said to me then, I just laugh because of how far I have come since leaving him over 5 years ago. With your help Melanie and the NARP programme I have evolved so much, my life is totally different from what it used to be, I am no longer as fearful or scared as I used to feel. I feel empowered everyday and know that every challenge that comes my way will be overcome. I am now able to do so many things financially than I could or was made to believe I could do before. I am also able to detect narcissists easily, and I just naturally do not vibe with them again. Its like an unconscious graduation and inability to be with them on the same level. Today, even though I don’t think I am emotionally where I want to be, I know that I have come a very long way from where I used to be. and I know I will only get better with time. This is to thank you for everything Melanie. God bless you for what you do. Sending you lots of love and light.
Hi Tee,
I’m so pleased that this resonated with you.
That is so awesome that you have done the inner healing work with NARP and you laugh now!
I’m so happy for you Tee that you are on the evolutionary journey of self, and it does only get better.
Thank you for your well wishes and sending abundant blessings and love to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I can totally relate to Candi…I had to separate from my husband who continutes to teach Bible studies..play on the worship team and now try to make me pay for “doing this to him”..
after years of control, emotional and physical abuse, criticism, mocking, gas lighting ..the list goes on. I am left wondering who in the world I married and how I could have not seen this coming.
I stayed way too long. He has a few people fooled but not everyone. I will hold my head high as I know he is a complete hypocrite. Apparently he can fool his GOD that he claims to know so much about. More and more stories are being revealed to me about his “arrogant and narcissitic attitude”.
What a sad and pathetic life he is living…lying to everyone and throwing me under the bus. (I pray the pastor’s eyes will be opened one day..) I have been re-vicitimized plenty but will continue to live truth.
Thank you for this wonderful info and forum for all of us to reach out.
I am new to the community and must say I’ve been completely floored by the articles and videos. I never knew there was a name for what has happened to me. My relationship/experience lasted for 6 . I’ve gone from being successful in my career and having a fairly decent self esteem to totally broken in both areas. I’ve used the videos as well as outside counseling, I’m better but still not myself. I’ve got 3 months no contact under my belt but will be dealing with a legal issue therefore will have to be in the same room with this individual within the next 30 days. My emotions are mixed, one day I can do it the next day I can’t. I am emotionally still connected and sad although I forced myself to do no contact before I even knew what no contact was. I work on myself daily it’s definitely beneficial to know there is help and support. Thank you for helping me make sense of such a nightmare.
Hi Teresa,
I’m so pleased that this community, articles and the videos are granting you support.
I really want you to know that the most direct way through to find relief, solution and healing is what I talk about in my free masterclass tomorrow http://www.melanietoniaevansvans.com/masterclass
This information will help you so much, regarding how to get out of struggle and to heal and get your power back in a straight line.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
In addition to these 10….2 more of my favorites are “I’m not doing anything” and “I didn’t do anything”😂
“You made me lie! You expected to hear that worst so I gave it to you. You thought I cheated so I said I did”. This is a tiny sampling of my experience. I will admit to totally losing my self control as I have some undiagnosed anger issues. I broke things. I yelled. I almost got violent (but ended up literally running away into the night). I will also admit to blaming myself over and over again due to doubting my own eyes, ears, heart. I knew she didn’t love me. I knew she would hurt me. I was right. It always had been in my mind that love is powerful and can heal all but love is a two way street. If you’re traveling into a head on collision, it’s not love. The narc wants attention even if it’s negative. They want you to be affected and that’s always negative. I will always remember her. I will forgive her. I will heal. I will never fall for that bs again.
I’m currently trying to heal myself…I help my narcissist out when he needed money and food.. He claimed at the time, seems like this is every week.. Then he would turn around and ignore my phone calls or lie to me… I helped him with my whole heart..It seems like that didn’t matter one bit..He crushed me without an ounce of remorse. I feel like a fool for even doing anything for him..It doesn’t matter what I do…I still get treated like s**t
Hi Jean,
I am so sorry you are going through this and feeling this pain.
Have you ever looked into my healing system Quanta Freedom Healing? It grants you the ability to release and go free from unthinkable traumas, such as what narcissists inflict.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar to discover more about this, as well as experience a Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself.
I hope this helps
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I was married to a narcissist for 11 years (and believe me, he said all those 10 things and more). Divorced, suffered, grieved, and thought I healed myself. But here I go again!
I am in the same boat, Jean, but I think I lucked out before it went too far. I did a lot for him just because I loved him and wanted to do it not expecting anything in return. We had all the “love” words you can imagine, plans to move in, meeting his family and friends, and (that’s the worst part) introducing my children who are completely in love with him. One day we are discussing going on vacation in a few weeks, and in two days he stormed out of the house with an excuse that I get offended easily (but he said we are not breaking up, he is just going to cool off). Now no phone calls, no text messages, not even a word that we are breaking up but he is meeting other girls now. What happened? And how to explain to the kids that it’s not me (I didn’t even fight with him that night, just asked not to leave). Their narcissistic father already told them that I am a screw up and I never will be in a relationship because of who I am. Is it me who did something wrong or is it him who is a narcissist? I still can’t figure it out…
My ex would tell me she had to talk cruel to me because that was the only way i was capable of understanding her.
It’s weird bc some of the items on the list I have used with NPD person in my life. Especially, #8 and #9. Our conversations get so weird and confusing, especially when he is trying to convince me and others of things that are not true that I often ask myself, “weren’t we both at the same event experiencing the same thing? How can someone twist it around so just to make themselves look like the victim to a girlfriend, attorney, or whoever they are allowing to read or listen to the present communication?” That’s when I say, “:you do realize that everyone knows what you are doing right?” Because the ppl who have had to deal with his craziness have witnessed it first hand. I’m exhausted!
I’ve had four years of this crap, I found out he’d slept with his neighbour on two separate occasions, she told me via photos of his telephone messages, he said he knew nothing about it………
Day after I get similar message from woman’s daughter, again nothing to do with me……
I asked him if he was calling her a liar he should say it to her face……yes I will meet you there.
Did he meet me there no. I ended up apologising to her that he had lied about being single so he could sleep with her.
He then agrees her story was correct?
Oh my days we separated for six months and I went back?
The whole four years has been on off on off
I’m a professional I want for nothing, self made, self sufficient and this man has driven me to attempt suicide, fall out with my friends and family, bled me dry, assaulted me and here i am.
I’m ashamed of myself and still not rid
ALL of them lol typical N same traits … the gaslighting one is def – playing ex friends and miking their triggers ——- I wish them all the best on their inner self worth and love ❤️ journey —- I truly how they find their soul because I have found mine ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️