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If you co-parent with a narcissist, my heart goes out to you.

I read countless stories daily from people in this community experiencing the daily frustrations, twists and turns, insanity and gut-wrenching nastiness that goes with trying to co-parent with a narcissist.

You may constantly be worried about how your children are being treated, including if the narcissist is poisoning them against you or WORSE if they are turning your child into a narcissist.

And it can be beyond horrible for your children caught in the middle, seeing your distress and pain and witnessing the conflicts between their parents.

Until now, the term co-parenting is what we understand to be the role we take with a narcissist once separated.

However, the word β€˜co’ would almost suggest being a team or working together with the mutual goal of caretaking our children, such as being able to collaborate healthily for the good of the child.

Yet we all know this is NOT possible in narcissistic co-parenting situations.

This is why we need a paradigm shift in the co-parenting community. We need a NEW way where you can take your children out of the conflicts between you and the narcissist and also remove yourself from the trauma of trying to deal with someone who just won’t cooperate – so that you can be as healthy as possible for your children.

This can be done by adopting – Parallel Parenting.

This is a powerful, revolutionary way to have strict boundaries and even hold narcissists accountable for their narcissistic behaviour.

Parallel parenting is about having joint custody of your children in a way that works as effectively as possible, given the difficult circumstances.

In this very important Thriver TV episode, I explain WHAT Parallel Parenting is, how it can be done, the ways and moves you can make to enforce effective, accountable third-party communication channels … and the BENEFITS of parenting in this way.

Within this episode, I share my knowledge and observations of co-parenting with narcissists, which I have learned over the last 10 years, and a dear friend’s invaluable information regarding his incredible knowledge and experience whilst parallel parenting with a high-level narcissist.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to Thriver TV, the place to break free from narcissistic abuse with quantum tools and understandings. Today’s episode is in really high demand within this community because many of you are going through the terrible time of sharing custody of your children with a narcissist. It can be stressful and traumatic to deal with somebody who simply won’t do the right thing or comply with your best wishes for your children – even using the children mercilessly as pawns to get to you. You may constantly be worried about how your children are being treated and what games the narcissist may pull next to hurt you.

 

Making Joint Decisions for a Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship

Even though the term co-parenting is what we understand to be the role we take with the narcissist once separated, we come to realise that ‘co’ would suggest being a team or working together with the mutual goal of care taking our children.

Co-parenting in its best sense would mean that you have a healthy relationship with your ex and can call on each other, amicably discuss issues and may even co-present at the special events in your children’s lives as they grow up.

I know of – and you may too – divorced couples who get along famously with their ex and their new partners and all the children are even great friends. It’s rare, but it does happen. If it does happen, effective co-parenting means making joint decisions for the children throughout their lives, focusing on what is best for them. In successful co-parenting, neither parent tries to win their child’s loyalty away from the other parent. They nurture the child’s innate desire to love both parents and not be forced to take sides.

Also, the children don’t feel they must keep secrets and not tell one parent about what the other is doing because of the wrath and pain it might cause them. The children grow up without having the trauma of both parents being at war with each other.

 

Parallel Parenting After Separating from a Narcissist

Now, this is not what happens after separating from a narcissist at all. If we think it can, we’re kidding ourselves because narcissists don’t play nice or team. They can’t get their insecure and nasty egos out of the way to put the kids and their welfare first. Rather, they try to keep you hooked or get back at you, intending to punish you for whatever reason they believe they’re entitled to do so. Sadly, the children will get caught in the crossfire and even used as ammunition.

Narcissists also commonly enlist their new partners to back them in their judgments and abuse of you. Of course, they will have cunningly convinced this person that they’re the nice person and you’re the monster, as narcissists are so good at doing.

In situations like this, where there is high conflict and trauma in co-parenting, and harmony between exes is just not possible (which of course is synonymous with narcissists) true co-parenting isn’t possible.

So even though we might call it co-parenting, it needs to be parallel parenting, where children can be more effectively shielded from the conflict between you and the narcissist. You can also be more protected from narcissistic antics and games so that you can be healthier for your child or children.

 

 

Breaking the Abuse Curse

So how does parallel parenting differ from co-parenting? Parallel parenting is a co-parenting experience where the parents are disengaged from each other and have limited direct contact. Parallel parenting is all about enforcing boundaries and holding them.

This is where working on our inner wounds, terrors and fears with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is so vital – so that we get empowered and stop trying to appease and smooth over the narcissist. Because if you give them an inch, they’re going to take a mile.Β  The inner healing work also reduces the chances of being triggered into a panic, such as having to answer them because of the fear of what they may do to you or your children. Because if you do this, you’re only playing into a narcissist’s hands and they’re going to hurt you and your children even more. Be very clear on this – when a narcissist senses weakness, they don’t back off. Rather, they go in even harder to hurt you.

This damages your children even more than you can imagine, because if they see you traumatised, powerless, acquiescing,Β  or handing away yourself, your rights and your boundaries, this sets up their template. It becomes what they are likely to do in future as adults and increases the probability of a generational pattern of abuse. Instead, if you refuse to be the victim, by healing yourself and stepping up into effective parallel parenting, you’re going to break the abuse curse for yourself, your children, and their future generations. We all have a responsibility as parents to get strong, solid and self generative so that our children can do the same.

 

Releasing The Fear of What Will Happen Next

Central to all of this is your emotional well-being. You’re in for a shit storm, absolutely. Narcissists hate boundaries and accountability being placed on them and will twist, turn, retaliate and hit back.

If you’re releasing your trauma, fear and triggers, you’ll discover that you will increasingly be able to clearly and calmly navigate their attempts to derail you, without falling over. This is vital as you and your children are going to be much healthier if you stand up, create boundaries, and heal your fear of what the narcissist may do next.

Module eight in NARP is especially powerful for releasing this fear and walking your truth regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

Your children will also learn not to take on the fear of C.R.A.P but to detach, stay calm and take inspired action to generate their authentic lives. They will learn to problem-solve, weather storms, and will follow your example in dealing with the narcissist. They will also naturally gravitate to the same solid, calm, rational parent you’ve become because it feels much safer in their body.

 

The Golden Rules of Parallel Parenting

First Rule
The first and the most vital boundary you can ever learn in parallel parenting is detachment. There is no use in lecturing or prescribing to a narcissist about what is or isn’t appropriate. It can only be demonstrated by action.

The action is this: If I encounter anything personal or abusive, or accusatory, I remove myself from it, and I don’t reply to it, period. This is the golden rule.

If you are using a third-party communication tool (which I will explain to you soon), you would only reply to things related to the children, and your reply would be something like, “Thank you for your request; I disagree with you. However, this is what I am prepared to do.” Please don’t say anything else.

Second Rule
Rule two is to stop expecting the narcissist to do the right thing. Stop being dismayed, angered, and devastated when they do what narcissists do. Stop feeling like a victim when they don’t respect your boundaries and don’t do the right things by your kids. Realise you can’t play team with someone who refuses to collaborate. That’s why you need parallel parenting.

If you start becoming the generative source for your and your kids’ life, your kids will avoid becoming victims despite the narcissist’s behaviour. They will know that conditionally living their lives, relying on somebody else doing the right thing, is the ultimate experience of disempowerment.

Lead the way, and your children will be unaffected by what they miss out on from the narcissist. They will not stay emotionally chained to the narcissist and take those losses into future painful and abusive relationship reenactments. Rather, they will learn, via you, to provide it for themselves and gravitate towards other healthy pursuits and people.

Third Rule
Rule number three is this: Any communication is factual, business-like, and expressed with no emotional language or extras other than the facts. Absolutely no personal information about your life is to be included. Stick to the facts only, because with a narcissist, the less you say, the better. Don’t get sucked into any conversation that is not about your kids. Instead, take anything that is triggered within you to your NARP modules, and you’ll find over time that by doing that, you will drastically get your life back.

Fourth Rule
Rule four is this: Don’t express your anger and disappointment about your ex to your children, regardless of what stunt he or she is pulling with you. Like not paying maintenance, declaring a false income, smearing you to authorities, investigating you, or messing with access times.

Even when your kids are told lies about you, stay connected and healthy with them. Take all the angst to modules rather than spewing it all over them or trying to get them to see what the narcissistic parent is about- even if you know the narcissistic parent is manipulating, buying, or abandoning them.

Rather, stay strong, supportive and loving and say to them, “You know mommy and daddy aren’t getting along. I wish it was different, but it’s not. But please know you are loved very much. You may hear different stories, but what is important is what you feel inside you. Trust yourself and please know I’m here for you anytime you want to talk.” Make sure you don’t rubbish the other parent and know that in time children work it all out – they’re not stupid.

They come to realise who is true and who is false – who really loves them and who is selfish and plays games. But they must come to these conclusions themselves. You trying to force them to realise it only pushes them away from you.

Fifth Rule
Rule number five is to keep all of the parenting separated. You may feel guilty about your kids not seeing mommy and daddy together, but please know that your children will be much healthier having the parenting roles wholly separated.Β  This allows you to be strong, healthy, and well in their presence rather than being hooked, baited, maimed and set up as a target for abuse in front of the kids.

So for example, make sure you have your own birthday party for your child without your ex – they can do the same if they wish.

At sporting events or wherever your ex may be, take support people and stay away.

When you are exchanging the children, you can make arrangements for drop-off and pick-up times at schools via third parties. If your children are older, they can walk from the car into the house and vice versa. If they’re younger, get relatives, friends or a drop-off centre to be the changeover point. You may wish to consider an intervention order so that the narcissist cannot come near you.

Many narcissists, without boundaries, help themselves to visiting the kids in your home whenever they want – still feeling that they can lord it over or run the household and also have access that is not defined.

This simply can’t go on if you and your children are going to get well.

The children get well if you get well, and if you don’t, they don’t either. The narcissist is always going to be unwell. So it’s up to you to do what is necessary to get strong, empowered, and well for your children.

Boundaries and complete separation are necessary for that. The boundary must be “you cannot just visit whenever”, and this is where court orders are so important.

Generally, narcissists aren’t going to agree to anything anyway, so it is likely you’ll have to go to court to define this boundary. Naturally, this is a terrifying experience if we combine our fear of authorities and the narcissist’s ability to smear, lie, discredit and manipulate the judge.

However, please know in this community, the people who’ve done the inner work with NARP and appear in court as calm and solid have fared well in court, and you can too.

One of the greatest success stories is a Thriver named Premi. After she went through incredible up-levelling with NARP, astounding synchronicities emerged, and she was awarded full custody of her children. You can click here to listen and get inspired about what is possible.

It is important to ensure that the court orders are tightly sealed: with no unturned stone, with every angle covered and no grey areas.

Sixth Rule
Please understand rule number six and get your head around it. Do not express to any legal personnel or judge that this person is a narcissist or not well. Do not diagnose because things will backfire terribly on you if you do. You’re not a psychologist and you’ll not be favoured by professing to be one. Discuss the behavior of the person and have it backed up by facts, but do not diagnose.

 

Reinforcing Boundaries with Narcissists Through Third-Party Communication Channels

A third-party communication channel is powerful in establishing boundaries and creating accountability and records. I’ve recommended OurFamilyWizard to many community members, including a dear friend.

He exemplifies what can be very easy to do with narcissists if we do the inner healing. He stayed firm and clear and put boundaries in place when he said, β€œThis is how it needs to be, and there’s just no backing down from that”, causing the narcissist to unravel.

She hated his boundaries and lost control, which all narcissists do. He collected texts and emails then he went to the courthouse. He put an intervention order on his narcissistic ex because of her crazy abusive messages and all the carry-ons after they separated.

He applied for an interventions order and stated the communication conditions on his order. He said that only through the police, a lawyer or OurFamilyWizard, could she make contact, which had to be non-abusive. Using any other contact channel or abusing him, even though OurFamilyWizard, meant she had breached the order.

When she screwed up and lashed out, which was inevitable initially, he’d respond on OurFamilyWizard just saying, “No.” Calmly, “No, this is what I’m prepared to do, and I don’t agree with you.” Then she would retaliate on OurFamilyWizard, by text or email. All he had to do was take those fully accountable messages- because they were there, to the police, and they contacted her and told her she was in breach and she had to pull her head in. The police were onto her all the time.

OurFamilyWizard is fully accountable. No message can be changed or doctored; it has a time stamp. He held her accountable through OurFamilyWizard at no cost, as he didn’t have to go through the family court system. Instead, the police would simply contact her.

My friend effectively uses this system with a narcissist, one of the highest-level female sociopaths I’ve ever heard. The things that she’s done and committed would make most people’s head spin. She’s high, high level.

Before OurFamilyWizard, the drama, pain, and accusations to authorities, the school and specialists, of course, trying to terrorise, discredit and tear his life apart nearly sent my friend insane.

He wanted me to tell everybody today a narcissist will refuse to pay for it or order it. To eliminate that roadblock, subscribe OurFamilyWizard for two people and offer that upfront. Do it because then there are no excuses. It’s approximately $200 Australian a year, 100 each, but it is worth its weight in gold.

The incredible thing now for my friend, as a result of working with NARP and releasing trauma and using OurFamilyWizard, he’s detached and calm, and she’s held accountable. All appointments, access details and child-related appointments are registered. Nothing can be falsified, lied about or twisted, and none of the messages can be deleted. My friend tells me that OurFamilyWizard has been invaluable in showing authorities and the school the truth about what is happening.

It eliminates all that he says-she says stuff. Since the transcripts from OurFamilyWizard are admissible in court and cannot be tampered with in any way, unlike emails and texts, he’s discovered that she’s far more reasonable and easy to deal with.

For those reasons, I thoroughly recommended OurFamilyWizard and added the link below this video. I’ve put lots of people onto it. If you go into Sitejabber, you’ll see many canning reviews. The narcissists must have said this is crap because they hate it, right? It is brilliant. So don’t let that put you off. It’s pretty hilarious when you look at their reviews because you can clearly see that they hate being held accountable.

Placing an Intervention or Restraining Order
In most countries and states, abuse is now taken very seriously. Suppose you feel disturbed, threatened and upset by anybody’s behaviour, even if nothing happened, and you state it’s impairing your life. In that case, you have a right to place an intervention order on them (or a restraining order in other places apart from Australia).

To find out how to place an intervention order in your state or country, Google intervention order or restraining order, put the name of your state, and you’ll find the information about how to do it. You should go straight to the courthouse if that avenue is available rather than going to the police. At a courthouse, generally, your case will be heard straight away.

If you stay calm and credible and state that you’re still prepared to co-parent but want it under healthy communication conditions, you will get the order placed. Now, the narcissist has got to contest to get it off, which means that they’ve got to create a court hearing, and they’ve got to make an effort to bring representation to fight the order. Many narcissists will never do that, and statistically, I believe only around half of them do.

 

Parental Time Enforcement During Parallel Parenting

Another huge aspect of parallel parenting is parental time enforcement. It’s usual for narcissists to push back and try to break boundaries. I don’t recommend swapping access time with a narcissist under any circumstances or asking him or her to swap with you because this will be used as an excuse for them to break boundaries and disrupt orders in the future. You’re not dealing with a healthy cooperative person. Rather, this person seeks every opportunity to manipulate, control and hurt you- don’t give them one.

Again, OurFamilyWizard holds a calendar showing who has access and when. You can also add notes to the calendar to record, for example, that he arrived at 6:00 PM even though the pickup time was 1:00 PM. Then if you have a full record that can be presented at court if necessary. You’ve got all of your facts and your case registered in OurFamilyWizard.

If you need or want to find out how to enforce parental time, all you need to do is Google parental time enforcement in your State, and you’re going to find the relevant information easily. There are different processes in different parts of the world.

 

Conclusion

I hope this episode has helped you understand why you must move from co-parenting to parallel parenting and how to regain your power for yourself and your children. I want you to realise that combining inner work with these strategies can make you strong, calm, and empowered. The starting point is subscribing to my free 16-day course.

People always say, “I don’t have time to work on myself because of my kids.” I used to think that too, but I want you to know we must take responsibility for healing ourselves because of our kids and they depend on it.

I’d love you to drop me a line about this video. You can just scroll down and put in your comment.

Has it given you hope? Do you feel like you have a direction now? Do you have any questions about parallel parenting that you would like to ask? Because I’d love to hear them and help you out with them.

Until next time, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.
Lots of love. Bye-bye.

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Commments (174) + Leave a comments

174 thoughts on “Parallel Parenting – The Evolutionary Way To Co-Parent With A Narcissist

    1. Very good to hear ways to combat all the negitive b/s of the narcisist I am only sorry that both my sons are now narcissist because I didn’t have this information when I was younger. Now I am paying the price and they are stopping me from seeing my grandkids!

        1. Parallel Parenting is something I could have used 5 years ago wgdb initially divorced and joint custody was given and I received primary residence of the home which I took on another job so I could afford her overhead. I didn’t realize he had sociopathic/narcissist personality disorder until I dated a man now my ex-boyfriend showed me lack of empathy which was quite eerie and freaked me out.. I remember googling lack of empathy and narcissism came up in the search engine and I started to read about my boyfriend at the time. I believe my ex-husband is a sociopath being all the items listed about a sociopath depict exactly everything he has done or will have done so me and our kids.. the smearing started the last 2 years of marriage so my ex the children’s father was drinking quite a lot before and during the divorce although never quite getting caught by law officials accept once and he was able to get out of it which God only knows why? He was intoxicated driving our children to his mothers where he was living at the time and he had ordered food at a Denny’s and the waitress called the police on him once she saw the kids getting into a car with him and his mother was in the passenger seat and I believe this is how he was able to not be arrested for a double felony. It was quite disgusting at court how he lied because the officer never arrested him although I had written and sworn statements from the waitress. It didn’t matter cause he didn’t get arrested so it didn’t work at court with custody. Anyways everything you stated and more has happened to me smearing, alienation after he convinced DCF after 3 long and exhausting investigations regarding him and his girlfriend took place and my life became a living hell on earth. He would still get the kids for his visits cause the stupid therapists the kids were seeing even though I begged them not to call did anyways without stopping the visiting to protect the kids happened. Once my ex caught wind that him and his girlfriend were being investigated for driving under the influence with the kids in the car their lives were being threatened by their father and verbally abused terribly. So when the interview was being held at my ex’s home he threatened the kids lives and he made them lie to DCF throwing me under the bus stating they lied to their therapist and mommy told us to say things to our therapist to get our dad into trouble. I found myself starting to get harassed by DCF and In the next 2 years there were 2 more Dcf cases on my ex not me!’ I never instigated any of these calls seeing I know now what he’s doing and what he is no one believed me and just like you stated his girlfriend comes from money and has a lot of pull in the community I found my life becoming more and more worse with her smearing me even though she didn’t even know me period.. by the 3rd case I was being harassed consistently by dcf the investigation was on my ex but pointed to me all these lies were being even said about me on the transcripts by dcf that I neglected my children’s medical, mental, educational, social, nutritional care all together and that I may have a drug problem. I was shocked and I didn’t know why this was happening to me I was served papers by my ex to take me to court for sole custody with 100% dcf backing and how does this Happen when the kids were traumatized and tortured by his drinking and driving and passing out in front of them also forcing our son to drink alcohol in which my son was catatonic around his dad he refused to go over for visits ever and my ex was getting Dcf backing. I did nothing to deserve this. They made me do an evaluation which I passed my drug test and they stated the counselor stated you being stressed I said sure I am this is the 3rd dcf case against my ex in a two year period and you people come after me and never believe the kids so I feel for my kids who suffered while visiting their dad I don’t think this is fair. I think there is fowl play at hand and I was trying to help my kids I never neglect any areas of their care on the contrary I was very pro-active in their care. I did everything to make sure the kids were happy they went to therapy I knew all their teachers and volunteered and baked things for school functions and I kept good standing with the school also they are fine I never did not feed my kids and their medical records were up to date with immunizations and well care visits.. the smearing went on now for 8 years and during the 3rd case an anonymous call went into Dcf regarding my parenting I was blown away come to find out seeing Dcf told me ex everything and my ex told me I stated It was my uncle and wife that called Dcf I hadn’t seen my uncle or his wife in over 2-1/2 years and even then it was brief Xmas eve night for 3 hours they never stopped over my home and so I was sickened very angry and I knew my ex got someone to lie about me so it reached my uncle and his wife and to this day I still don’t know why they called and I was shocked and never will talk to them again . So my ex now has primary residence of our kids and not my daughter we have a great relationship but my son my little man the one who is so sensitive has totally different to me and I know my ex sits privately with both kids and brainwashes them since we were still married every single time I would hear it from the kids. I almost forgot my ex was able to get our daughter to stay over during the investigation and during that one night the most disgusting thing took place my ex went crazy on our daughter being only 8 at the time he threatened to kill her if she didn’t say exactly what he tells her to say which was my mom threatened me and my brother to kill herself if we went to live at our dads.. I just found this out 3 months ago and I cry for my daughter and I don’t trust my ex wonder if he gets a hair up his ass and he does something to the kids seeing their lives have been threatened and they know everything even that the girlfriend lied for him and that’s why I lost the kids I still have joint custody without a parental agreement so it’s my ex giving me orders and I this past year and 1/2 seeing the trauma I went though was diagnosed with C-PTSD and I have autioimmune diseases too. I shut down last summer lost all hope In god and even I question is there a god why would this happen if god existed. I lost my home my children my best friends family my reputation and my motherhood is gone. His girlfriend stomps all over my mothering and I hate this women that I was always nice to. She treats me very badly and says terrible things about me to the kids. I know my ex is playing the nice dad now but he’s also stating they need only listen to him regarding everything and I get so disrespected by my son especially and we Always were so close Always I adore him and love both kids but my ex I think really works on my son. I need help and I don’t have anyone Around my area to help me and I feel so stuck cause my ex is a monster and I’m scared I don’t want anything to Happen to the kids and I don’t trust him. Lmk if you have anyone around CT area please I need to clear myself with DCF and set the record straight seeing even DCF lied immensely about me. The harassment was over the top it was abuse and even my drug test was good and they say to me we think toy Tampered with your drug test and how is this possible I was given a cup to pee into and I did and handed to the women doing the test and they lied all over the transcripts never believing my son who told all and I told him Dcf will help us Just be honest.

          1. Dawn
            I’m not sure if you’re still on here as it’s almost three years later that I’m reading your post. I just wanted to let you know that I read every word of what you wrote and totally get it the horrible abuse cycle you are stuck in. My heart goes out to you and I want you to know that I’m holding the space, sending prayers and love your way, for both you and your children. You are incredibly brave for facing the horror and still mustering enough hope to write it out in detail in this blog. I wish I could be there to give you and your children a big hug. I’m sending one through the universe.
            Love,
            Yasha

          2. I tried to get an app like my parenting wizard and many others and paid fir them. He refused to participate. We have a binder that he made up to β€œteach me until I learn boundaries.” From he and she. Lol. I have 2 kids and one of them has medical issues and a developmental disability. We have joint physical and legal custody. You have no idea what he and now she put me through and his family . Help.

        2. Hi Melanie I am the grandparent of my narcassistic daughter who is in active addiction she has custody of my granddaughter. Who is 17 now my granddaughter has been used as a pawn to get too me this has been going on for years. There is another woman who was once my daughters foster mom when I got sober 18 yrs ago my daughter got pregnant at 15 and my father had just died so I had my mom my pregnant daughter and a foster parent in our life I was unable to care for my mom pregnant daughter and stay sober all at the same time this foster mom I believe is a narcassist she undermines anything I say. I finally had enough they lie to me and the abuse is too much I have joined narp and stopped all contact I am healing me now and they are all angry with me.

      1. I am so concerned about this! I just found this site today in my efforts to navigate child custody with my ex who got out of prison about a year ago & now I understand the behaviors I was seeing were textbook malignant narcissistic patterns. Thank The Creative I had several years to heal before having to deal with him in any significant way & am so grateful to be gaining a better understanding of what we have experienced. What concerns me the absolute most though is not my ex & all his damaging behaviors; it is that our daughter is demonstrating patterns that are just mind blowing coming from anyone, but especially to see it from my own child. It is hard for me to comprehend treating anyone that way so it is hard to know how to help her. I’m grateful to have found some information that may help us walk all this out. I will be devouring it in an effort to mitigate the damage done & assist us all in moving forward in healthier ways.

      1. I love your cat! It makes the seriousness of the topic easier to digest because it feels less clinical or more as if you are my friend.

    2. You are kooky if you thinks that one singular cat doing nothing special in the vid. makes someone look Kooky. Other signs of Kookyness are absolutely no relevant or constructive feedback about the rest of the vid. except an unfortunate comment about a cat.

    3. Melanie,
      Thank you so much for the practical advice. Before I discovered your YouTube channel, I didn’t have a name for what my ex was, and now that I know, I have found so much peace. All I knew was that he was very sick, and as much as I hate to use this word, evil. But I’ve come to understand he is sick. My only wish is that I would have have discovered you sooner! You’re advice is always sincere, loving, so practical, and just spot on! I just want to say thank you for all of the work you are doing in this area, and if you do make it to Chicago, I will be front and center!! God bless you for your selflessness, dedication, and genuine compassion towards us… you get it! As for the cat, knowing you’re an animal lover just endears me more to you and adds a little humor to these very serious issues. Anyone who took the time to negatively remark about it are still so full of anger, and couldn’t it couldn’t be more apparent. Blessings to them.

      1. Hi Cathy,

        Thank you for your lovely and supportive words, and I’m so happy that I’ve been able to help you.

        I am almost certain that I will be coming to Chicago and I’ll be thrilled to meet you.

        Much love and many blessings to you

        Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ’›

      2. Thank you for this. I desperately need to parallel parent with my narc ex of 5.5 years that is still trying to control and use our son as a pawn to do all of the above, your videos are so precise and spot on and has inspired me.
        Question 1: I was told if I took out a DVO / AVO then if he fights it I’m liable for his legal fees… and I believe he will do everything to fight it. You said 50% don’t fight/ contest it but what about the 50% that do? Isn’t it just another way for them to bring you down through the legal system by getting their minions to support them snd their character in court and false against you ( as I’ve read from others on your fb page)

        2. At birthdays and Christmas- deciding on buying the child their present how can you avoid the the other parent buying the same gift? Which would result in the child left disappointed if both parents don’t communicate the child may end up receiving two of the same gift. Is this just the risk you take or is it something you discuss through our family whizzed with the other parent . Saying that , either way the narcissist will do whatever to make you squirm eg Christmas just gone I informed my son’s dad of one of the Santa gifts I was getting him from Santa, sent him a picture of the gift and was asked him was ok for me to go ahead and purchase it. (we both usually chip in for the Santa gifts half , half and have for the last 10 years with me always being the one left to source all the gifts and then chase him for the money πŸ₯΄) the gift was a surf board. At the last min on Christmas Eve my son’s dad decided he was not going to chip in his half this year for Santa gifts after I had bought everything, again power and control. It was my year to do Xmas morning and he was getting our son at 3pm Christmas Day. When my son turned up at his dads house Christmas afternoon he was given the exact same gift , just a few inches longer!!! and his father told him it was better than the one Santa brought as it was bigger and he needed one for his house anyway πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ ( my son is not a believer so knew it was from me but we still do Santa as he’s just turned 10) it was such a narcissist move, his dad already has plenty of boards at his house but he couldn’t help himself.I had a feeling this was what he was up to and something in my gut told me when I sent the picture of the surf board to him initially that that was a bad idea and no doubt he would try to sabotage the gift πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ You really have to be 10 steps ahead of how they think to beat them at their own game but when you don’t think like they do , it’s shocking to realise that’s how they even think. Your dammed of you do and your dammed of you don’t! How did you manage gifts for your child/ children?

    4. I have followed these video and transcripts for the the 4 years since my separation (3 years divorced from a narcissist). I prayed for an opportunity to get away and finally, I received one. I found Melania’s site shortly after. I was able to be empowered to get through the divorce. I was prepared when he exhibited virtually every behavior Melania discusses. It is Unbelievable how it feels to know I’m not crazy!
      I am now dating a family friend of 18 years. We can hardly believe how different a relationship can feel. He was married to a narcissist also. It’s amazing how similar they are. I relay Melania’s advice to him if an occasion comes up with his ex. We have set up firm boundaries, held them accountable and strived to make the safest and calmest atmosphere for our children.
      Our lives have become enriched. We understand each other and our individual and combined life paths. We share a deepened combined faith, we share inspiration and value each other as we would like to be valued. it is all very powerful. we both say the grass is greener, food tastes better, sleep is better, our overall sense of well-being has done a 180 degree change. In large part to Melania’s advice. Thank you!!

    5. Really? Nancy, you have no idea about that cat, Tiggy, or his life or his recent death. He was very integral to Melanie and her work and her personhood. I was heartbroken for her when he passed away recently. You should not make snap judgments and think before you speak.

  1. Thank you, Melanie for this video. I am watching this two in the morning in Norway, because of my lack of sleep over a case my narcissistic ex has pulled with me. This was perfekt timing. And I wonder, the family wizard, is it working regardless of witch country you live in? Does it translate or do we have to use it in english?

    Just became an narp member and are planning to get startet on the modules next week when there are more time for me to go it to it. I really love your work and the fact that you use Joe Dizpensas and Bruce Litptons research, is all I need to know that I have found the right place.

    1. Hi Ann,

      you are very welcome.

      Ann, I really don’t know about other languages, and there may be parenting communication packages in your language if necessary – you may need to check on that!

      That is so great you are starting NARP – being into the Quantum Healing that you are already learning – you will love this! It makes it possible πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  2. This is very important advice. I will say, though, that there are places (like where I live) where it is extremely difficult to get a domestic violence injunction, especially in the course of a divorce. Many judges assume, regardless of the demeanor of the protective parent, that they are making false allegations in order to use the children as pawns or gain more support (which is one reason why parenting time and support should be considered separately, IMO). This is especially true with women. I tried to obtain an injunction against my estranged husband after he showed up repeatedly, the first time in the middle of the night, without his car, claiming he was carrying a fully loaded gun, and stating that he could take our younger son any time he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it. He was here about 4 times in 3 days. I went to court with 6 witnesses, including 2 police officers. He had no one. He claimed NOT to have a gun, said he was here to check on his lawn, and without even allowing me to cross-examine him, the judge dismissed the case – said it was his property (the divorce is pending, and the home is in both of our names), and he had a right to be there, in spite of the fact that there was already a dependency order in place restricting his contact with one of our children. Now he is using this against me in family court, claiming that I have filed false/frivilous actions against him. So while it SHOULD be a useful, protective thing, people also need to be aware that a lot depends on the “climate” where you live.

    1. Hi Kim,

      I agree that is so true – yet I what I have found is that even Thrivers living in terrible court situations (traditionally) such as South Africa, have been able to get great results when they are solid and calm on the inside.

      This seems to be so key to what unfolds.

      My heart goes out to you Kim and this community is praying for your breakthrough for you and your children.

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Kim,
      my heart goes out to you. Perhaps you are delving into NARP – it works for me.
      I separated in 2012 and divorced in 2014, and through about 2015 was terrorized. Much of this was my own trauma repeatedly being triggered, but a chunk was the x who was rather dangerous. I discovered Mel’s NARP and started working it. The really cool thing was that I achieved all sorts of healing and protective actions for my kids that my state would normally never grant. At key moments the x unraveled in front of officials, which tilted the situation into keeping the kids safe. I started NARP in 2014, and credit that healing work with helping to craft a good legal agreement. Then in 2015 helping to retain that agreement in court when the x tried to overturn it. I hope NARP might bring good and safety into you and your children’s lives as well.
      Blessings on your journey –
      Valerie

  3. Thank you sooooo much for this video! I have been parallel parenting almost identical to your video. My narc made a recommendation to both attorneys and our mediator regarding more parenting time. He had charts and proof of how children who spend more time with one parent and not the other grow up to be insecure and so forth. I get the boys every day after school even on his nights. He requested in mediation that now he wants to change it. He wants them to take a bus to his house. I couldn’t imagine not seeing my children after school each day. I love it and so do they! I have always done this. He has been traveling mon -Friday for years. My only mistake is that I made is I sent an article regarding npd disorder and divorce. to both attorneys and my mediator and him. I only addressed his because I responded to an email that he attached everyone to but I now understand that It was not the right thing to do but it’s done. I did it this morning but nowi just read your email. Please send me some advice. My attorney does not want me to continue mediation anymore. I have the kids 22 days a month and he has them 8. He is furious and he’s fighting me for 50:50 custody which to me is ludicrous. I have always been the stay at home mum. Advice please?? Court is on June….

    Hugs
    Andrea

    1. Hi Andrea,

      stay firm in what you want and put forth your best and calm case for your children. Often mediation with narcissists simply does not work.

      The most powerful thing you can do is release your fears – so within so without.

      That is how parents get the best results in court (as per the Premi example: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/a-miracle-story-about-how-premi-gained-full-custody-of-her-children-thriver-story-29/ ) – have you looked at the NARP work for yourself?

      Mel xo

      1. Yes I have. Is there any way you can have your staff see what I purchased already and direct me to the next step? I completely forgot because that’s what the narcs do. I have been reading your material for a year. It’s truly helped. All right do is pray and study reiki. I trust god will do the right thing for us❀️

  4. Thank you for your advice targeting the most difficult part of a past relationship with a narcissist: sharing a child. You addressed aspects of how to manage when the other parent is breaking boundaries with you, and how to limit communications. I’m doing this! But what about when the other parent is taking actions directly against the best interests of the child? My 5 year old has recently had an initial diagnosis of ADHD. Further evaluation is underway to discern if it is trauma or a true neurobiological disorder. Two different behavioral rewards systems have been implemented over 6 months, and they have each been undermined by the other parent. The more I ask the other parent to cease toy purchases (rewards), the more he does it. The last time the child came home with a new toy he told me his Dad said not to tell me because I would say no. I finally decided to not write an email asking the other parent to stop because (1) I think he likes it; and (2) it has increased the behavior I have been resisting (toy purchases). Yet, these positive behavior rewards and the system in place are the child’s last chance. How can one oppose the other parent without giving them a “hit” of supply?

    1. I do empathize with you and have been going through the same for the last year and a half and what I’ve learned is don’t bother, at all. Just mind your business and pretend to not even notice in the slightest. It’s the hardest thing to do and took me a long time to get there, but it’s possible and soooooo worth it. The more I’ve let go and stopped trying to engage in ANY conversation about his parenting the more he’s initially tried to get to me in other ways, but he eventually gives up and moves on to something else. Like the saying goes, β€œwhere focus goes energy flows” so I’d say work the NARP program and do everything you can to let go and focus on what you can do and that is how you interact with your kids on your time. Let the rest be. My thoughts are with you and I know you can do it and I know you will figure out a way to make it work for you. Big hugs from someone who knows ❀️

    2. Hi Susan,

      this is very difficult, and the truth is you can’t – because N’s use it as a way to get to you.

      My highest recommendations with this are always to work on the triggers with NARP – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and also on proxy on your child’s issues and anxieties with that parent – which is what Devon has done so successfully: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/shifts-happen-healing-the-traumas-closest-to-our-hearts-our-children-2/

      I have found this to be the most effective strategy – as N’s drop off the “I’m trying to hurt you” tactics as a result.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  5. This is awesome.

    Unfortunately by the time I realised I had a Narc ex… I had already put things in place and the conflict was really high. I even tried to get him to only contact me via Our Family Wizard (I purchased it, sent him the link and asked him to use it). He refused, and instead sent letters to my solicitor directly.. which then I had to pay for to answer.. because I said I wouldn’t communicate except through Our Family Wizard. We already had interim orders at the time, so to go back and ask for communication channels changing was difficult. In hindsight, this would be a great strategy going in, before everything gets so far out of control… nothing feels like it’s working. A few years on… I still “co-parent”.. but am pretty much parrallel parenting (although don’t necessarily use those words with your legal team, because that in itself can cause issues), all correspondence is via email or text. I purchased a program (iexplorer) to download the texts in bubbles, so they can’t easily be manipulated, and it gives me written evidence. Even if it is a diary entry.. or a message to myself to note… that he was late … or child hasn’t had a bath for a week whilst with him, or brushed his teeth, or been given medication etc.. Thanks Mel <3

    1. Hi Andrea,

      I’m glad this resonated with you.

      It is so true that it is easier to set this up from the start.

      It is great you keep all the evidence and I wish you continued strength and success co-parenting.

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Andrea,

      Could you please share with me a little more about iexplorer? I have never heard of the program but would be interested in learning house “download” texts and did not understand what you meant when you mentioned downloading texts into bubbles. I would really appreciate your response!

      Thank you for sharing information!

      J

  6. Returning to court for the 3rd time last year the judge decreed using OFW for communication. We both agreed to post 1 time on alternating Sundays, at the very least the Sunday we each had our son. I posted for 9 months. He posted zero. Nothing read, answered or even logged on. I searched legal assistance and was told I should seek a therapist. OFW doesn’t monitor a lack of activity. The ex now involves my son (15) as the go between for acute communication. These status updates never happened and I spent the $200.00 The courts don’t want nor care really, not in the US. We are no contact (what started out as my salvation, and is now thrust in my face) but my son acts on his own behalf as it is his only way of accomplishing anything, scheduling etc…my son doesn’t advocate as much for our requests back, but then he misses out on opportunities. He’s impatient with me and it’s way too familiar. I have little tolerance for anything that remotely smells like those behaviors. I simply say β€œnot in this house- not ok” I feel helpless that the courts don’t monitor OFW after decreeing it’s use. I went to the courts in person to file something, asking if this was β€œcontempt” and I was asked by an intern, β€œwell what is it that you want?”I wanted to say, β€œreally? stop the madness.” There’s no box to check for that request. Thank Mel

  7. The new term is completely accurate. Parallel parenting. Great info. One specific thing, we are ordered to use OFW and I didn’t realize you can add notes. However, if I add notes, the narc will add 10x more notes all countering what I’m saying. Can both people see the notes? I also liked the term ..High level, suits my parallel parenting situation…very High level! I’ve been doing narp for a couple years. My saving graceπŸ’•Thank you Melanie for your continued work with how to thrive through any obstacle!

    1. Hi Debbie,

      if you just stick to the clear, precise facts without emotives, the narcissistic pattern of reseponses will be clear for all to see. Don’t respond to anything that isnt true or relevant.

      That is great you are working NARP and are positive Debbie!

      Please know you are so welcome πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  8. I love your videos and NARP program and am so grateful to have found you online. You have helped me tremendously so I thank you for doing what you do. I’d like to share my two cents on this topic since it is the biggest one of all for me and in all reality took every ounce of everything I had to survive and come to terms with it. What you say in regard to detaching and parallel parenting, from my experience this is an absolute necessity when dealing with people like this and for me when I began doing these things it did start to get easier and still gets easier by the day. I will say, however, that also from my experience even though Family Wizard did provide accountability and an admissible paper trail, it was simply another tool for him to abuse me with. I argued with my lawyer and in the end simply refused to participate, this was of course after having enough documented evidence to show the patterns of abuse and the different forms of abuse, which I wouldn’t have had if not for Family Wizard. But in the end, I simply hit a point where I was just done and no one on this planet was going to tell me otherwise – my moment of becoming a Boundary Boss! So what we do now is one-way communication. We have 50/50 on everything and I do not deny him anything that I am not willing to sacrifice myself, therefore nothing to argue about. I take full responsibility for booking all appointments (always did anyway) and planning our monthly calendar of school activities, drop off and pick up locations (we have a set schedule and pick ups are either at our day home or another third party location so he doesn’t mess around with being late, because he wouldn’t dare have anyone else see that!), etc. I send him a calendar via email at the end of the month for the next month and he is to have absolutely ZERO contact with me directly and if he breaches in any way I call the police. We alternate appointments, school conferences and activity attendance and if it’s his turn for something and he can’t make it it’s his responsibility to reschedule and take him on his time. Everyone has been extremely supportive and I have it set up with my son’s school, doctor, dentist, etc. that no matter who takes him, the other party can call after and get an update directly or they simply email out the relevant info to the person not in attendance, so as to avoid us having to pass this info ourselves (which as we all know, he didn’t do before anyway). We have a super detailed parenting plan about EVERYTHING and I stick to it like it’s life or death. My only focus now is on adding a clause about having a set review schedule (once or twice per year) and what that will look like (done through lawyer and any changes agreed after limited back and forth and then consent order filed with the court, etc.) and also adding a clause that any breeches whatsoever, including surprise litigations (cause those of us who’ve been there know when they are limited in ways to abuse, they move to abusing through the courts) are attached to a monetary fine paid to the other party plus court/legal costs (that’s his number one motivator). So this way I will basically eliminate him from my life completely and know that I will only have to deal with his garbage once or twice a year under very controlled circumstances or he will have to pay me for abusing me. As for the rest he’s to simply figure it out for himself, which he always did what he wanted on his time anyway. If in absolute emergency and our son ends up in the hospital, he’s to call my mom or my mom will call him, but other than that I simply have taken the β€œwhat I don’t know won’t kill me” mentality and let it go. I also use what you’ve taught me about praying for him and focusing on the fact he’s going to be ok when not with me, which helps immensely. So far, it’s been FREEDOM and the first time in over five years I’ve felt any sense of safety and security from being abused by this person. It is also helping me shed the rest of the anger and resentment I’ve been struggling to release and I now find I can be happy for my son when he talks about his β€œdaddy”, even if it’s stuff that bothers me like the excessive toys or treats or whatever. Truth is Melanie is right and we have to let our kids make up their minds themselves. My son loves his father and I want to honor that and now that I feel I have protection for myself I am beginning to be able to do that for him, which I didn’t think possible in the past. So in the end, I came up with my own solution and so far so good. However, I’d say he’s either at a loss or planning something big because he’s back off almost completely at this point (minus minimal financial abuse, but that’s not new). Or maybe it’s just a good turn around making him actually take responsibility for the first time ever, since I’m not swooping in and trying to control things anymore. Anyway, who knows with these kinds of people. I guess time will tell in the end.

    1. Hi Nicole,

      I am pleased you love NARP and my info.

      Absolutely not one solution will be right for everyone, and it is great that you found your way and that you are continuing to uplevel and gain back your True Self.

      Thank you for your share to help others in similar situations.

      Keep shifting out any fear of ‘what he may do next” (Mod 8) and the N will just continue to lose power.

      You are doing great!

      Mel xo

  9. Thank you so very much for your work. I have only just discovered what my ex was. It’s like all the little pieces that I didn’t understand, I now realize are textbook narcissist actions. We were married for 20years and the divorce broke what little of me I had left. But the knowledge of what he was and knowing that it wasn’t that I was unworthy, the realization that it was abuse, is life-changing. Everything that you describe paints what happened to me with indescrIbable accuracy. Thank you for educating me to what the reality is!! I feel like now I have a chance. Thank you so much!

  10. Absolutely brilliant and spot-on! My kids 8 year old daughter and 10 year old son went through 6 years of extreme trauma when the narc tried to destroy me. Now we have been thriving for the last 2 years since I began no-contact and parallel parenting through total detachment and firm boundaries. I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said and you have helped me see some areas I could still improve. I would love to take your full course, someday if I ever recover financially. In the meantime, I have learned so much from your videos and I thank you for work and commitment to helping others 🌈

  11. You are lovely thank you sooooo much for everything that you do to help others God blessπŸ’œπŸ’“

  12. Thanks Mel. Once again a brilliant episode. It is so timely for me because i moved out yesterday. Have been living with my narc for 12yrs. We have 2 children a boy aged 12.9years and a girl of 11years. Since i discovered your resources Mel, that was last year i have been able to work on my inner wellbeing and the physical moving out is a very big step considering that I didn’t even have a job till late last year and so had felt stuck for so long, since i started doing the inner work last year August things began falling into place one after another.. Thank you for your work.

    My concern now is my kids.. their father has been able to provide them a comfortable lifestyle. Where i have moved into is not as big as where we lived with the narc, and haven’t bought a tv or home internet yet, I noticed the kids displeasure with that, they feel like they dont have a source of entertainment, additionally they dont seem to really understand why i had to leave or why the separation.i know one day they may come to understand. Now I know the kids are better off with me and i have no problem with them seeing and spending time with their father, and now with the info.on this episode i know how to conduct negotiations, mediation and to parallel parent. I assumed the kids will feel and find it better to stay with me most of the time, what if ..,just what if they expressed at some point that they would want to stay with their father more days than me, because maybe in their mind they think they will have more luxury… what would you recommend in such a situation. I look forward to hear from you and other members who have gone through this. Thanks.

    1. Hi Thriver,

      it’s my pleasure πŸ™‚

      I am so thrilled that Quantum Law honored you – so within, so without. Congratulations on all your hard work πŸ™‚

      Ok – what I would recommend is clearing that fear with NARP. Truly our kids follow use energetically – when we are solid on anything – then they are at peace with it too.

      That truly Thriver is the solution, and as you get more and more spacious inside absolutely the way to provide more will come too.

      You are doing great Thriver! You’ve got this πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks a lot Mel for the encouragement . 😊I will continue to do the work. Am really loving the new life, feeling light and calm. You are a blessing to so many of us. Keep up the good work.

        Much luv,😍

          1. MΓ©lanie,
            My oldest daughter is 15 years old. She asked me lately, is her father a narcist? Because of some actions he did lately. I never mentioned anything like that before to them. So what if your children find it out themselves at some certain time and than feel like they don’t like their father for the way they are treating you and them. How should I than best react towards them. She now says she is afraid to meet with him. She doesn’t want to see him, because she is afraid he will be angry at her.

          2. Hi Monique,

            I would still be hesitant to label him to her, and encourage her to know her boundaries and truths regardless of anyone else’s poor behaviour.

            If you lead the way by encouraging her to be herself healthily and powerfully in the face of what he is doing, this teaches her to focus on her growth, rights and power rather than his disorder.

            As her mother you really need to trust yourself as to when it feels appropriate to offer your opinion that you believe he is a narcissist. If she wants to discuss his behaviour and has identified this herself then this may be the right time.

            I hope this can help.

            Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’›

  13. Dear Melanie, boy do I wish you had been around with this video about 19 years ago. This was the first time I left with the kids. I am still with my NA and our now widowed daughter and grandson live with us. I am going to do the 16 day training in preparation for the final exit after 28 years. I am so glad I found you back in 2015 when I was in a shelter. That was a bust after all the promises and counseling he is still gaslighting me.

  14. Thank you so much, Melanie, for all your amazing videos and information. I have one question for you. My children always ask me to go with them to the movies/zoo/etc when they are going with their dad. I completely understand why and will often go to make sure they are being taken care of. I want to create more distance and boundaries between me and my ex. How would you suggest talking to the children about this?

    1. Hi Ansley,

      it’s my pleasure πŸ™‚

      I would Ansley reassure them that they will be fine without you.

      The biggest most MASSIVE key with our kids is this: If WE are okay with anything – they follow suit very quickly. That is why I am such a fan of doing all the work on our inner anxieties, traumas, and fears so that we don’t project them into and onto our children.

      Does that make sense? It’s really more about YOU being okay with it than them.

      Mel xo

  15. Hi Melanie, I so needed to hear this today. I am a mom to 3 beautiful kids and I have been separated for 3 years. Parallel parenting is the only way, I know this but for some reason I forgot how important it is and as a result i have been in a spin for the last 3 days- my ex is up to his usual tricks my boundaries were not as strong as they should be and everyone (kids & i) is upset.
    He absolutely thrives in this environment and he is delighted with life today- so thank you, thank you for this wonderful reminder just listening to you today has given me a huge lift.. xx

  16. After two years of shared custody and working with NARP, I am now in a place to petition the court for sole custody. Our Family Wizard was a big help in getting to this point. I had to work hard to get it in place, with the N fighting it the whole way (NARP was huge because I was able to get support from the judge for OFW by being calm and factual).

    My story is similar to the one Mel talks about. I set clear, firm and unemotional boundaries with the N on OFW. It resulted in the N losing it and giving me court recognized evidence of harassment through emails on OFW. When the N was asked to be accountable for his harassment by our son’s Guardian ad litem, he lost it in an even bigger way.

    He sent letters to every judge in the county making extremely derogatory false allegations against the Guardian (that he was exchanging favorable custody recommendations for sexual favors with female clients), accusing him of bias, accusing the Guardian of making false accusations against him and he even admitted to recording his conversations with the Guardian. In the letters he sent, he told the judges that he was going to do a complete investigation of the Guardian and asked them to no longer assign cases to him.

    Our judge stopped everything in order to address these letters and although he recused himself to avoid the appearance of bias, he wrote a judgment strongly in my favor that I can now take to court. I’ve decided to make a custody settlement offer to the N, indicating that if he agrees to giving me sole custody, I will drop the multiple contempt charges I’ve filed regarding his failures to follow the custody settlement agreement.

    I am still amazed at the difference since NARP has healed so much of my trauma. The N now avoids contact with me as much as possible and that is a huge blessing.

    One particular challenge I’ve had is that I am professionally qualified to diagnose NPD and psychopathy. I knew my diagnosis wouldn’t be legally or ethically allowable and I shouldn’t even mention it. But I couldn’t find my voice when I didn’t communicate within a psychological frame work. Finally, I just started saying, I know this isn’t legally relevant, but it took me many years and specialized training to understand what was happening in my marriage. Making statements like that allowed me bridge the gap between my professional and personal identity, making it again about me, and not about the N.

    I remember being trained to give the Hare Psychopathy Checklist and having things click about my husband and then assessing those things directly with him to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. If I could never share that, or many similar experiences, how could I tell my authentic story? I had to be me, regardless of what others might think or how they would interpret what I said. And, when I was myself, it worked, even when I said what I thought his diagnosis was.

    1. Hi Mona,

      I am so, so thrilled for your breakthrough, dedication to parallel parenting and clearing out of your trauma to come to this place.

      Thank you so much for your post Mona – I know it will be very inspirational for others.

      Mel xo

    2. Mona,

      I am going through my own struggles right now with finding my voice and trying to discerne what exactly that means to me and reading this today is exactly what I needed to help get me back on track. Like you, I need to be me and share my story in my way and so I thank you for sharing a bit about your experience because it has served as a good reminder that when we are our being authentic things do somehow take care of themselves.

  17. Thank you for recording this. Over the past year I have embraced everything you spoke about. I felt like you were outlining my year. I feel incredibly strong and unflappable now. The only thing that has not come to fruition in Our Family Wizzard. I wanted to buy it for my ex but thought he just wouldn’t use it as it wasn’t court ordered. After many thousands of dollars my daughters are in therapy (he wouldn’t let them go) and I have backing by the judge that he may not come into my home (couldn’t get the injunction against harassment). Laying down boundaries has been the ONLY way to liberate myself.

  18. Hi Mel

    Watching this makes me feel I have messed up so badly. My covert Narc husband was so publicly perfect that after 18 years I ended up having an affair when a man who I had know since I was 12 and he knew all about my Overt/Covert Narc father and I caved and used this relationship to leave.

    However my behaviour to my children was sooooo out of character that in the end I blurted out a list of their Dads misbehaviour.

    I did not find you or your modules until nearly a year after the breakup. I know my 16 year old daughter deeply resents any negative comments and actually sees me as a complete hypocrite which is true based on the last year. But she doesn’t understand what 18 years with a covert does to you.

    Is there advice on how to repair retrospective damage to my daughters about my final allergic reaction to their dad?

    Thank you xxx

    1. Hi Victoria,

      please know sweetheart no matter what we feel we have messed up – we can reverse, simply by releasing our trauma of feeling we messed up, and coming home to peace and wellbeing.

      That truly is the only and the most powerful suggestion I have for you. Then, it can all come back together.

      You have NARP Dear Lady, and that is the way – so within so without. When you heal about this – space opens up for your children to heal also. And all validation of what you went through has to be reconciled within you, then others will also see the truth.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Victoria,

      I know you are asking Mel, and maybe she will respond, as well, but why don’t you try working out your thoughts/feelings inside yourself and rehearse what you might want to explain to your daughter and figure out what you think might be appropriate to say, so that she gets the right message that you messed up, and you’re sorry, etc. It’s a lot different behavior to say, I messed up, and I’m sorry, please forgive me, than what a narcissist will show her. Also, it might help to work out a dialogue with a therapist. You know, someone to talk it over so that you are more comfortable going in for the talk and can console her and focus on her feelings and emotions instead of focusing on your own insecurities about what you may have done and your feelings about how you messed up. The message you want her to get is that you messed up, and that you’re sorry, and that you are human, and we make mistakes. As for why and what other answers you might need to give to fill in the blanks so that she can understand… girls mature faster than boys (emotionally) and I’m sure she will understand… and find out what you’re comfortable with telling her… but I think an open dialogue on something that could affect not only how she perceives you, for the rest of her life, as well as affecting your relationship, is a good reason to get over your fears and talk to her…

      I don’t even know if I would touch on the comments that you made about her father, since you were probably being honest, I would skirt around that, and if asked, be diplomatic (polite and vague) because you don’t want to make the same mistake, twice, but as for the affair, is the reason she’s seeing you as a hypocrite… but honestly there was a good reason, being that you needed an excuse to get out of a horrible situation, but you don’t want her to repeat the same mistakes. The horrible situation (relationship) or encouraging an affair (since she saw mom do it).

      Open communication between mothers and daughters is so important because girls look to their mothers about who they are.

      Talk to her… but figure out what your main points are that you want to get across and then, leave it open, for her to ask any questions. You want her to have a good impression of you, and right now, it sounds like there needs to be some mending that left untouched for years and years, could do some damage, later on… if it hasn’t already started to affect your relationship… don’t leave this stone unturned… Clear the water… πŸ™‚

  19. Melanie,
    This information is so very useful and informative.
    I have tried to implement many of your strategies. Yet, my co parent has undermined much of it. What do you do when that happens? Examples of this under minding: refusing to use OFW, refusing to see a parent coach, not following placement, sending abusive emails/texts, repeatedly going through the children to communicate with me……..we have been to court repeatedly and all of these things have been addressed in formal court orders. Yet, he refuses to comply. He does not care if it is an order or not. He has even had a restraining in order placed regarding the judge because he was sending her bullying abusive emails.

    Bottom line is I have spent so much money on legal fees and the chaos continues in trying to parent with him. What do you suggest as to how best navigate through this? I have thrown my hands up in the air and have tried to walk away the best I can. I am no longer pursuing legal action, I keep it to very minimal contact with him, I accept that there is no way he will ever change or comply so I am tryIn to minimize the damage to me and my kids by living my life the best I can. I am tuning him out as much as possible. It means I have to swallow a lot of stuff, but I do not know what else to do.

    1. Hi Jill,

      this is where NARP https://www.melanieetoniaevans.com/narp comes into it.

      It’s the Quantum Law so within – so without – when nothing they do can trigger us – it stops.

      So many people went through what you did – I did too with the N in my life – continued total harassment and drama and attacks … until shifting on the inside, and then all the attempts fall flat and start to dissolve away.

      That’s my highest (and only) suggestion for you.

      It’s by living this that you see it works.

      Mel xo

  20. I left a covert narc 3 years ago and moved to another country. He loves his kids and the kids love him. He has come to visit. He always sleeps in his car and asks to stay parked in my driveway which I do not allow. The visits have been a nightmare. After the initial 3 days of newness and niceness with the kids is over with we are back to him trying to take over the house and disrespecting all of my wishes and boundaries; cornering me and demanding I listen to all his ravings about how much he cares and doesn’t know why I left when he is so faithful; how he will be faithful to me till the end of his life and God has shown him we will be back together. I have struggled with the decision to not allow him in my house at all. I feel mean doing it yet I can’t take his intrusions. This video has given me hope that I have the right to do that and I can do it. I see that I need to limit my communication even more than I do to just facts. He constantly hooks me into explaining feelings or reasons, all the time belittling any reason I give, justifying why his way is best. I struggle with letting him plan outings where he takes the kids on his own because of his judgement in what to do with them, like his desire to wilderness canoe camp alone with 2 hyperactive, food sensitive, 5 and 7 yr olds. We came to a compromise of car camping at a local provincial park yet I had to go and clean up the mess when he was too sick to pack up and drive home. My girl came home from that not wanting to be alone with her dad again. She felt terribly unsafe. He is making big plans with the kids to camp again this summer and basically begging me to come camping with them this summer which I will not do. I hate that he is causing pressure on the kids that if they want to spend time with him they feel like they are in an unsafe situation unless I go along… ultimate emotional manipulation I guess to achieve his goal of my attention. Any suggestions how to deal with that one?

    1. Hi Mary,

      This is so good that you are realizing boundaries are essential here, and that you do have a right to enforce them.

      There is no him staying at your house, you going along with him and the kids camping … and if they feel unsafe with him then he can apply through court to have it in his orders that he can take them away. He also needs to provide a place for the kids when he has access to them, so that you are not subject to his harassment.

      It is time to see a solicitor Mary and get some boundaries and orders in place with him – for you and your kids.

      Wishing you strength and power with this.

      Mel xo

  21. This was such an impactful episode for where I am in my journey….as have many in the past 4 years after releasing myself from a life with a narcissist. How can I get transcripts of episodes? It would help to be able to refer back to some of the very important points you make. Thanks so much-

  22. Mel

    Thank you for speaking on this subject. I have not spoken to my children in about 18 months. I am have been working modele 8. Please share success stories in relation to our children.

    Much love
    Amy

    1. Hi Amy,

      you are very welcome!

      I will sweetheart – absolutely.

      Naturally to protect children and parents from N’s it can be a delicate thing about coming forward on Thriver TV … but we are always open to it! Devon our incredible Mum Thriver had the guts to do it! See her public healing session here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FWHrox6a24

      Have you come into my webinar – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and heard the story about Dot who reversed 32 years of child alienation from her 2nd N husband with NARP Module work?

      And … recently a very dear friend of mine has had 5 generations of her family reunited, from narc alienation tactics, as a result of healing the generational trauma with NARP work.

      Please know it can be done and I wish you loving connection with your children again.

      Mel xo

  23. It’s really interesting to hear you speak of parallel parenting so favourably. Everything you say makes a lot of sense… and yet my experience turns this on its head. My ex is the one who wants parallel parenting (asked for 50/50 shared parenting – but parallel) and I fought it. My ex uses the mantra of needing parallel parenting (he says I have BPD and am a psycopath) to force a complete split in the children’s life. They bring a backpack to his house from my place, but are not allowed to use anything from it, not allowed to do homework (he disagreed with the school I asked for and obtained from the courts), not allowed to take anything from his house towards school or my house, can’t go to any birthday parties or school events (including parent-teacher meetins and xmas party) etc, etc.
    I can’t convince him to use OFW (even though I paid for it) and I can’t get the courts to order it. Of course he won’t use a parenting co-ordinator or anything….
    A bit contrary to what you say, I am the one who occasionally offers/asks for a date switch (so the kids can attend school events or b-day parties or something that he won’t allow on his time). He invariably and always refuses. Even when I unilaterally offered him additional time at xmas (before we had our court ordered parenting schedule that dealt with xmas evenly). In the end, that worked against him and I have custody (he has access one day a week and every second weekend) and I am happy that I avoided a parallel parenting order that would push even more of a split/compartmentalized life on the children. Now that I have done NARP and set boundaries consistently, he seems to be the one who wants to cleave off the part of the kids life that relates to me. He is effectively enforcing parallel parenting. He ignores the few requests or questions I might have, then suddenly emails me pages of accusations and dredged up history (which I then ignore).

    Just thought I’d share that different side of the story, even though I do feel what you are saying is spot on, particularly for anyone dealing with a narc who is hounding them (which mine was before I did NARP).

    Also, I have one question: you recommend not talking to the kids about any of the crazy things the ex is doing/saying. Again I agree. I don’t feel any desire to tell my children about any of it, but the children sometimes come home asking questions about what dad just told them and its very difficult to figure out how to answer their concerns without getting into it. Recently my ex is pretending to be homeless (says the kids and him are making an adventure out of living in his van – in the dead of winter in Canada btw) while he actually has a place to live for himself when the kids are not with him and is “camping” with them (or couch surfing at friends’ to garner their sympathy) pleading poverty. So the kids come home and ask me why don’t I tell the court that I don’t want dad’s money (child support) so they can have a home.
    I gotta say something! I genuinely want to give them every chance to have a relationship with their dad that is as good as possible and free of interference from me or whatever he did to me… but it also doesn’t seem ok to let the kids be duped into believing their dad is something he just isn’t and participate in his lies even just by omission. One day, he’s gonna try to con them too… surely they need to develop a sense of healthy scepticism about what he says. (I should give my children credit though, that they do often come home saying “dad said about you, but I don’t believe him!”).

    So far, I try to find a middle ground and tell them that I flat out don’t believe their dad is homeless or jobless or needs to do any of that. I tell them that their dad is a very intelligent, highly educated and very capable man (all true) who has lots of business ideas and always had good work when I lived with him and always had money to buy things and travel and that I am not worried about him at all. He hasn’t lost any brain function or developed any physical disabilities and the industry he works it in hasn’t tanked, so yeah, I am confident he is able to take care of himself just like he did when I lived with him.

    Too much?

    Lovely show. I remain eternally grateful for your narp and pass your name on to others in need. I am so glad you are here for us.
    Thanks,
    Y.K.
    (and I think your cat is very funny)

    1. Hi YK,

      yes it really seems that his narcissism has switched the other way – and that can happen!

      I believe it would be reasonable to seek court orders regarding your children going to school events and other things important/essential in their life when in his care – as well as do their homework. These are all in the children’s best interests and could be backed up by reports/information from the school.

      Also an investigation into why he is not providing a home base for the whilst in his care. Maybe some things you would consider making accountable? That would also flush him out regarding what he is telling the children. I know it could be painful and also cost money – but these really are basic needs for your children that he can be held accountable for.

      I think when we do explain things to our children calmly and reasonably – in the way that you are doing/proposing it will be fine. The truth does come out.

      Keep up the great work Y K you are doing really well under the circumstances.

      Mel xo

  24. Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for your terrific work. You have helped me very much in the past to put the missing pieces together about what a narcissist is and what they do.
    I have been married to a Christian Prophet (the narcissist) for over 18 years now, and I’m currently trying to divorce him (It’s been going on since 2014). We have two boys, 13 and 15. I am originally from Finland and married him against my will because I believed his “prophecy” where God demanded me to marry him (I know — I hindsight, doesn’t really sound like God, does it?). I lived under his terror for over 14 years, bore him two children and worked in his twisted kingdom as his personal slave (sexual and otherwise) until God showed me the truth about him. He has an international prophetic ministry on the internet and many Christian followers who believe in his prophecies blindly. They know nothing of his treatment of me. I am currently living off of credit cards in a rental unit and the money will be running out soon. Then I will be facing homelessness. My 15 year old son lives with me, the 13 year old lives with the narcissist. I am disabled. I have issues all over my joints, my dominant right hand is in shreds and I’m waiting for 3 surgeries but being denied by the worker’s comp insurance despite an MRI that shows significant damage (long story). I have been diagnosed with PTSD and don’t know what to do. My back and knees and hips are in so much pain that I can barely walk anymore or sleep at night (it’s some kind of degenerative joint disease that has spread in all my joints in my body). I don’t know how to get a job in this condition. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be enough to pay my bills, because I don’t have work experience in this country, since I lived as a housewife for so long, hidden in my husband kingdom of terror all those years. My husband isolated me and kept me in the dark financially, basically treated me like a child. The courts are failing me, and I don’t know what to do (I don’t receive a penny from the narcissist). There’s no support system in this country for someone like me. Even if I would qualify for permanent disability, I wouldn’t get a roof over my head. I have thought about returning back to Finland with the 15 year old. I know that the 13 year old wouldn’t want to leave America. Neither one of my children speak Finnish. But in Finland I would get help from the society, if the courts would allow my older son and I to go. That is IF. I don’t want to leave my other son in America, but I don’t know what to do. My body is very sick. I feel terrified of leaving my 13 year old in the hands of the narcissist, but I have no choice. It’s breaking my heart.

    I have wanted to start my own (out of the box) faith based ministry, but since my body is so sick, I don’t know if it’s going to ever happen. I have days I’m in so much pain that I can’t even think straight. I do have a website (www.seekingwonderland.org) where I write about my experiences and thoughts on faith. I haven’t written anything about my experiences in regards to the narcissist yet, but I will at some point (right now it may not be safe). I was also accepted as an affiliate for your site. Thank you.:) I’m planning on writing an introduction to your site where I present the work that you do.

    I’m sorry that this is a bit of a ramble, but it’s late, and I’m tired and currently feeling a little lost on what to do. It seems that no matter how much I pray, all the doors keep closing around me, particularly, because my body continues to be so sick regardless of all the inner work that I’d tried to do, and all the praying, and soul search. I wanted to share my experience here, because I wanted to know what your thoughts would be on parallel parenting across the ocean with a particularly nasty altruistic, covert narcissist, who has a vast following on the internet of people that worship him like a saint? I also know that you have often given the recommendation of not publicly exposing a narcissist to others, but just moving on with your life, but what is your opinion about that when the narcissist is a Christian leader with a worldwide ministry on the internet who receives all his income from voluntary donations from other Christians? I want to add that this Christian man lives in a huge three story house with five bedrooms while I had too escape from there and become homeless before I was able to get my credit card loans (I’ve lost all my credit now). I spent a night on a parking lot in my car. My children were with him. This house that he lives in is not something I can expect to get back in the divorce or half of, because the mortgage on it is too high. Furthermore, the prophet hides all his income and lies about it very effectively and I can’t prove that he’s lying. So I’m basically disabled, sick, with no job, almost penniless, with very few friends, two kids, in a foreign country with no family and no place to go, soon to be homeless. Ok. I better stop here. I do believe in the power of prayer. But for the life of me I don’t know what God wants from me anymore. I try not to lose my faith, but I do feel quite lost right now. Blessings to you Melanie for the work you do! ~ Eva

    1. Hi Eva,

      I would really like you to email my support team at [email protected] We offer sponsorships for the NARP Program – and I believe your circumstance absolutely qualifies.

      Are you willing to look at NARP and release the trauma directly from your cells, so that you can reset to wellbeing?

      That is the path, the only path I know, that works in circumstances like yours, as it did when my body/health completely broke as well, 11 years ago.

      I hope this helps and can offer you some hope.

      Mel xo

  25. Dear Mel,
    An amazing video! I agree with you there is no other way but parallel parenting and I’ve learned to do no contact and detach from you ! And I’ve been using family wizard. My ex never logged in once, it has been years. He has also lost interest in seeing the kids after initially making so much fuss about them during years of divorce litigation. Obviously, he doesn’t pay child support. But, it’s much better without him. And it’s all that matters!

  26. Thank you for the advice. I’ve read it over and over again in other sources not specifically regarding Narcissistic behavior. Somehow hearing it ere in context makes sense and validates my personal truth. I am living this. We have been divorced for 1.5 years and things aren’t any better, in fact on some levels it’s worse. I instinctively kept him off text and stayed away, I never trade time off and he will still find ways to manipulate the situation. We are in Facilitation and there are temporary orders regarding his requirements to tell me when he travels with my 4 and 8-year-old. He does not comply. I am working on the modules to heal. It’s a process and while I’ve not given up I do experience setbacks that leave me feeling powerless. At the core is me. My ability to focus on the courage and grace to come back to my inner strength. Thank you for the work you do.

    1. Hi Tricia,

      it is my pleasure πŸ™‚

      That’s great that you are working with NARP, and it so is about healing within those feelings of powerlessness when they get triggered, so that power and solution emerges and generates from within,

      You are doing great – you’ve got this!

      And please know the NARP Forum is such an invaluable resource for you to get support from when needed. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel xo

      1. I just want to say thank you for your lovely video. It was something I just stumbled across on Pinterest. I’m in a narcissistic abusive co-parenting relationship and I’ve been wondering how to make this work but I see now that I’ve been taking the wrong approach. This was so I eye opening and I believe it was God that I watched this. You answered more questions in 15 minutes then I have gotten answered in 3 years. I’m about to take my ex to court to do a family parenting plan although his mother is the guardian and she’s the original narcissist. But he’s been using our daughter to gain favor in her school the school system he even dated her teacher and our daughter is special needs. That is another story but they use my daughter’s diagnosis as a playing card in court but she was just fine going to Cozemel on a cruise. This family has tried to get me to just “go away or go die somewhere”. I have been praying for guidance and I think i am in the right place. It’s relieving knowing I’m not alone and i can do this. I never write comments normally but I could write a book on how i got where i am today. I am so glad that good does still exist in the world and i know i can set the example for my child to be able to handle her father’s anger. Im truely scared he will hurt her. I am going to implement every word to make this happen. Thanks again for the most important and relavent video i have seen in a long time! Ty

  27. Thank you for this episode. Thankfully, over years of learning the hard way, I try hard to do most of these things already. I used to agree to swap his alternate weekend contact, but now I won’t. What should I do when my child wants to go to a friend’s party on his weekend? He lives too far away to take her. It’s becoming a real problem and allows much more email contact trying to sort out an arrangement.

    1. Hi Hilary,

      it’s my pleasure πŸ™‚

      I would organise something special with her and her friend when you have the weekend with her – if he won’t / can’t take her.

      Also, it doesn’t hurt children at all to understand limits and learn how to handle disappointments and formulate compromises.

      Life is full of those times!

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  28. Thank you so much for this episode. I was feeling so hopeless until I started watch not only this episode, but all your YouTube videos. I have decided now that my life must change because of my 10 year old daughter. I need to get stong and centered for myself and for her. Watching all your videos has given me hope that my newly divorced life from a narcissist can some day be a happy and fulfilling one. However, having all this information has left me a little confused as to where I should start to begin the healing process. I want to heal, remove the fear I have of the narcissists reaction, so that I can be strong and solid in setting boundaries and keeping them.

  29. Hi Melanie!
    Just yesterday I finally realised something crucially important. It was like a super aha-moment! In relationships I always give, give and give…and really “expect” getting nothing in return. No wonder I became an easy target to abusers!! I was like the n’s day dream come true. It’s shocking when I suddenly saw this so clearly. Some unconscious level I’ve always felt deeply worthless, so I became a “doormat”. If I’m worthless, I can’t really expect to get love, respect and definitely not set any boundaries. The n treated me horribly, and even so, I was terrified he will abandon me (which he finally did, as an “ultimate punishment”).
    I realised, I am not giving myself any love, respect, nothing really. I was sort of empty, and the n appeared as the “false source”. Of course!! :/
    Now my very burning question is, how do I know, that I love myself (or have started to love)? How do I know that I respect and value myself etc.?
    I mean, I “hate” advice, like “love yourself”, and then I don’t know how it “looks like” in real life, on practical level. I don’t like advice that it easy to say but difficult to apply to real life, I don’t really understand the “concept”.
    Could you give some example?
    How such a woman behaves? (who likes, loves, respects, values etc. herself)
    I worry, that I’m just fooling myself/”imagining” things and not really healed and then scared to attract another n! πŸ™

    1. Hi TT,

      that is great that you had that epiphany!

      That is the million dollar question that I used to ponder, try to reach and ‘do’ all sort so things to ‘get there’. Now, truly TT I know what it is to organically love myself. It is simply the state of being Who I Am whilst releasing trauma and living more and more without it inside me.

      It’s not really something I believe we “get” to, or “find” – we just start Being it. Thus as a concept, it isn’t embodied … but once we free ourselves of internal trauma it emerges from within – naturally.

      This may help you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO8nI2dHgX8

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you Melanie, makes sense! I actually watched this video now! Your videos have this magical quality, it always feels like you are talking directly to me! πŸ™‚

        Isn’t it astounding…many times I talked with the n all this “spiritual” and self-development stuff (that was then when I still thought he was normal). And he said “no one will ever love you more than you love yourself (this is actually true!!). And that (for him) “it is important to always treat other people with respect”.
        It is shocking, how well he seemed to “get it”, I mean have a deep understanding of “these things”, he was very smart, intelligent, seemed to be somehow “soulful”, mature, deeply wise. And in reality, he is truly none of this for real, he can’t…There seemed to be a deep understanding and connection between us. And in stressful times or whenever he became “triggered”, “this man” completely disappeared, and morphed into some 5 years old child, or even worse, a psychopath, he was totally “out”, I couldn’t connect him in any level. That’s when I started to think…this can’t be normal. The feeling was really like a werewolf…a human who suddenly transformed into being a non-human!

        About self-love, no need to be perfect, “love myself right now, just as I am”. But I feel this sometimes to be so difficult! For me, as a woman, maybe to many other women too? I mean, quickly this inner talk begins “But I’m not Miss Universe, I’m not super model”. On a weak moment, I start to doubt myself, can a (good) man love me, really, when I’m not physically perfect? Well, I’m not ugly either…I’m just plain ordinary πŸ™‚ I’m my 20s, it was easy to be “perfect”, now in 40s it becomes increasingly difficult :/ It’s difficult when magazines and internet is full of photoshopped perfection. What are you wise words Melanie about this..? I think it is hard for me to accept myself, “as I am”.

        1. Hi T.T.

          N’s are very good at mimicking what we want to hear. Have they embodied it – No! It’s just words.

          Again TT, truly without trauma in our being – there is only the warmth of love – unconditionally – for ourselves and others.

          Comparison is a product of ego – it is a product of trauma … wounds. It isn’t until you start releasing all that hurts and feels unconformable within, that you get to realise how our “normal” is drastically not “natural”.

          You cant accept yourself as “whole” when you are not TT. Trauma being the issue blocking that. I couldn’t either!

          The answer to all that you ask is start releasing trauma – then you will easily just BECOME love.

          Come in here to experience what mere words truly can’t explain: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

          Mel xo

  30. This was a wonderful video for ladies in my abuse relationship support group! Thank you so much for you insight

  31. Hi Mel,

    Best vid yet in ages! THANK YOU!

    I am in a situation and this vid helps. If you have more ideas, here is the sitch:
    My daughter has reconciled with her dad. The x had been leaving me alone since I was more or less immune to his nonsense, thanks to NARP. But wow did I get triggered by our daughter. She prefers to live with him at the moment, she says because he is closer to her school. She is 17, a senior in high school. I have been flabbergasted by this after all my own – and both kids – work to get out. Reconciling is great, but this?

    After watching and reading this thread I now realize I’ve begun feeding the x class A supply through my fears for our daughter, and possibly not at all helping my daughter. Since she moved in with her dad I have watched her become isolated and depressed, but she tends to resist much of what I do and say. The x uses her as an adult roommate to feed the cat when he is out trolling for new women, or traveling around the country. He quit his job and now manipulates her about money also. He is out when she gets home from school, and sleeping when she gets up to go to school. He sets no boundaries about where she goes, who she sees, or when she gets home. He has told her she is a “ghost”, the person no one sees or hears. He has taken off for trips leaving her home alone and not giving her an itinerary of where he will be. Naturally, I am now the bad guy.

    I’ve used some of the parallel parenting stuff – great term! On the travel thing I now insist she stay with me most of the time he’s away. And if she stays alone a night here or there for easier commute to school, I ask her to check in with me so I know she is ok. (sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn’t). I also tell him I want an itinerary in case of emergency. Sometimes he gives one, sometimes he just rages that I have no right to ask. I just say via email, ‘this is what I want…” “I want you to support this for our daughter’s safety.’ Sometimes it works.

    Since living with her dad I also observe my daughter adopting some of his abusive behavior tactics. Walking away from me in a middle of a conversation, arriving or leaving without saying hello or good bye.

    I id’ed a great fear that my daughter believes it is not safe to love or be loved, hence voluntarily moving back in with her dad when she does not need to. My gut tells me she believes this. I want to heal my resistance to her living free, loving and being loved in a healthy way. I’ll take this to mod 11. Can I also directly change this for her by proxy? (It is a belief I held for years and in fact landed me with the x. I believe I’ve cleared it in myself tho – which feels great by the way.)

    I worked with a women’s shelter counselor this fall who says this is not an uncommon situation at all, for a child to reconcile after estrangement with a dangerous parent, and then make the previously more safe parent be the ‘bad guy’. The counselor worked with me to change my communication style with my daughter in ways that hopefully help her feel really seen and held, no matter who she lives with. She also advised I not interfere too much, since my daughter must take this journey. This is the hardest thing I’ve dealt with. What do healthy boundaries for me as a woman and a parent look like in this case?

    I have found a handful fears ( I think of them as my gremlins) to clear since watching this vid and meditating about it…

    I hope I am taking a healthy direction here, but this is heart wrenching. Any suggestions?

    Thanks,

    Val

    PS – other areas of my life are really wonderful, which I largely credit to your NARP tools and my use of them to release and transform the gremlins πŸ™‚ Much is wonderful! Am publishing both writing & artwork; won a grant to take professional training to help rebuild the career that fell to ruin during the marriage; have started a small music studio teaching and performing to help pay the bills while I work towards full employment and abundance – fabulous story with a bit of optimism for my future πŸ™‚ But this thing with my daughter is a biggie… so, so heart breaking. It somehow echoes the narc relationship, which is really weird.

    1. Hi Val,

      I just answered you on other blog comments – but I will expand here too.

      Of course that is understandable that she triggers you and that you are concerned for her – and Mod 1 or GSM to clear all of that resistance and trauma coming up for you – so that you can totally grant her space and blessings on her journey with her Father, knowing her Higher Self knows what to do, and all is in perfect and divine order no matter how it looks – and naturally if she needs to come to you-you will be there for her.

      Your healthy boundaries, in this case, are to let go and be supportive and loving with her unconditionally – and don’t discuss her father in any disparaging ways, or her choices.

      How gorgeous Val that you have had massive breakthroughs in so many areas of your life – this is another one to come sweetheart – you will see!

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks, Mel.
        Taking what you wrote to mod 11 …

        Covering this topic some more would be awesome.

        Thanks again – glad I’m not going it alone .

        Peace and love –
        Val

  32. I finally had a chance to watch this & learned so much. We’ve been court ordered to coparenting classes which has proven to me to be more about my ex than our daughter. We have set schedule after schedule only to have him change because in his words β€œim entitled to a life” he has given up so much time with our daughter so he can out.?” There are days I feel like I’m the narcissist because I want him to choose our 2 year old over going ice fishing with his friends or to a bar/party on a Saturday afternoon. I know he won’t change so I just have to be there for my daughter.

  33. Hi Melanie,

    I have watched and rewatched your video. It is really helpful and great to learn from. Thank you very much for making it and putting it out for people that need to learn.

    It really helped me to prep for how I need to look at my own behaviour, relative to the other person. I was extremely naive and unaware. Thank you for the detail and clarity.

    Best,

    Mark

  34. Hello ~

    I have now listened to this video 3 times, as I need to respond the narcissist I deal with regarding summer visitation of the children.

    I appreciated your statement and suggestion of “Thank you for your request. I do not agree with you, however, this is what I am prepared to do…”

    I will receive back lash no matter my response, I am prepared for that. However, I feel adding the ‘I do not agree with you’ part will garner even more.

    I also feel, it is important for me to include that statement for my own personal integrity in standing up for myself.

    I am really struggling with my decision to include or not include, and would appreciate more insight.

    Thank you

    1. Hi Jill,

      I do believe boundaries are very important as well as losing the fear of what they can do in response.

      Authenticity and being in our power with detachment is rattling for n’s.

      Work on that and do what feels powerful and strong inside you.

      Mel xo

      1. Hello ~

        I have the week focusing on staying in my power and working Module 8. In the meantime, the N has instilled his attorney for triangulation. I just happened to read the most recent blog…How to Divorce a Narcissist and Win. One comment spoke to avoiding “he said/she said”. In the response email I had been drafting, I realized I was falling into that trap by over explaining my reasons for why I was not agreeing with him.

        I am unsure if this is allowed… would you mind reading my response (I understand you have no details to what is going on here) to see if I am in fact responding in a business-like manner, no emotion, just facts, no he said/she said?

        (What I have listed for visitation is directly from the court order)

        Thank you

        “As a revised summer visitation schedule has not been resubmitted, the following plan will be instituted –

        2-week period #1 – Friday, June 8th 6pm – Friday, June 22nd 6 pm (this includes the full Father’s Day weekend)

        Even year 4th of July holiday – Tuesday, July 3rd 6pm – Thursday, July 5th 6pm

        2-week period #2 – Friday, July 13th 6pm – Friday, July 27th 6pm

        2-week period #3 – Friday, August 3rd 6pm – Friday, August 17th 6pm

        As Labor Weekend is not granted in β€œeven” years, every other weekend visitation will resume September 7th at 6pm.

        Consent is NOT given for the previously stated intent to take XXX out of the country.”

  35. Tiggy is a very special part of the video’s !!

    He is definitely an attention seeker…an absolutely gorgeous one…:-)

  36. Hi Melanie,

    IΒ΄ve divorced a narcisist 5 years ago and spent 2 of those yeas in court fighting for our 2 kids and my own pensions. All the energy was in vain when I lost. All because he planned it so well taking all his money out of the country, declared himself unemployed and moved to his momΒ΄s home.
    I have been doing it all wrong though. Trying to avoid conflit and pain to myself and the kids I have given in to most of his requests.
    Last year I even tryed to go back with him because my life became unbearable since he took away my finantial stability. I couldnt work because I couldnt pay for a babysiter to keep my kids while I was working.
    I saw myself in the drain and without an exit other then begging for his help. His helping idea was to keep the kids whenever he is not working outside the country. HeΒ΄s made a calendar to keep record of everything. He controls it all. Now he sees the kids whenever he wants. He visits whenever he likes. He has total control. I feel like the unpaid babysitter of my own kids.
    I hate that he wins all the time. I dont know how to change the rules all of a suden when I have screwed it all up.
    : (

    I am focusing on myself and going to coodependents group meetings once a week, reading your material and other two books. β€œWomen who love too much” & β€œ Coodependent no more”. I have been feeling stronger lately but since my eyes are oppening up and I can see all the stupid decisions I have been making I feel so damm. But its good because I am learning not to fall for farther traps.
    Now I need to find a way to change the rules. Any ideas please?

    Thank you sooo very much.

  37. I had used family wizard but it was not reviewed by the court and dismissed by attorneys.

    The narcissist father of my daughter was granted so many privileges after long drawn out hearings and multiple mediations. Allowed to change her schooling from her current district (where she was born and began school) to the district I work in but not at my building. He left his job and became lunch aid at her school in the district I teach. He ran for school board of my place of employment. He was hired to work breakfasts at her school.

    My daughter asked why her father isn’t peeking in her art, music, and gym windows anymore?????? This is after he entered my home with my daughter while I was sleeping….. a home I purchased after divorce that he has never been allowed. My daughter gave account to play therapist of her father β€œfixing the electrical box” of which I noticed drywall chips on the floor the day prior to her coming home and beginning to share. An electrician documented the grounding and bonding wires were loose/stripped which would cause fire or electricution. A strong police report was written. But in front of the court referee, none of these concerns were heard and the police officer, electrician, and play therapist were not even asked to speak.

    My daughter is becoming defiant and disrespectful at school and her father creates the narrative that seems to be heard.

    My 5 year old shares that daddy wasn’t home when she got off the bus, another time she knocked with no answer. When she tried the door, he was asleep in his bed but she got her own snack. πŸ™ the things she shares scare me and I am not sure if he tells her to tell me…. to scare me…. or if these things are all true (as my gut says they are).

    I have no contact, meet to transfer at a public place, I’ve had two PPO’s, I do not react or respond emotionally. But, I cannot make this stop and it is hurting and scaring my family (three other children from first narcacist husband who moved out of the country. I am afraid it will hurt my job and most of all, afraid for my daughter.

    I owe so much to attornies, can hardly pay bills (his child support is not reliable though he made three times what I make as a teacher but left his job. I can’t afford NARP but the blog and videos are helpful. I just need more. I’m afraid it is hurting my health.

  38. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge and helping us all to see how we can take our power back. This video offers gems for setting boundaries and/or a path to set boundaries if the legal parenting contracts are already in place. My question to you is in regard to very subtle, passive behavior on the N’s part with regard to scheduling or other joint parenting responsibilites. I will offer two examples:

    1. The ex-Narcissistic parent will say they are handling something, not handle it and then as the deadline approaches, blow up at the other parent, “WE need to handle this immediately” basically blame shifting and then transferring the responsibility onto the other parent.
    2. Most pick up and drop offs happen at school so there is limited interaction between parents. However, the kids have sporting events and are unable to take sporting gear to school with them. The parenting contract clearly states the parent doing the drop off is reponsible to deliver these items but the ex-Narcissistic parent puts the onis the other parent to pick items up from the ex-N’s house, knowing that if it doesn’t get done, the kids will be left without their gear for sporting activities.

    The behavior is very subtle and tricky to identify as manipulations or abuse. And, it is not the occassional passive act that makes it challenging, it is the countless other ways that the ex-Narssisitc parent’s passive behavior brings about challenges for the other parent. The other parent accepts this and handles everything that the ex-Narcissistic parent drops on them at the last minute. But from my perspecive, it seems the ex-Narcissistic parent is still dictating and controlling the situation, often times leaving the other parent to jump through hoops or clean up a mess caused by the ex-Narcisstific parents lack of responsibility.

    Do we have to accept and live like this or is there a way to enforce a new boundary?

    1. Hi C,

      You are so welcome and it is my pleasure.

      This is the thing about narcissists often when they subtly yet insidiously break boundaries, it is all to do with the angst caused to the other person … the all important knowing they cand affect another.

      In many ways trying to enforce these boundary violations legally is costly and feeds them the fight they want.

      My deepest suggestion is release the angst from within. Grant zero energy or attention to it and truly it can shift … and or a way forward for you that will eliminate this issue will become completely apparent to you.

      Often the narcissist just stops expending energy doing β€˜that’ thing anymore when there is absolutely no payoff of you being energetically truggered by it.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  39. Thank you for the video, I do appreciate hearing your perspective and feeling more confident that parallel parenting and little contact are both the best ways to handle the situation.

    I do want to discuss, however, not addressinf the narcissists lies. My new husband and I are both healing from our narcissist first marriages and we both have daughters. His way of dealing with the narcissist was to be calm, parallel parent, and ignore her sociopathic rants. He did not address the mountains of lies the ex told his two girls, and, unfortunately, they now believe every lie. Although he, himself, abhors lies and lived it, and was very truthful to his children, it wasn’t enough to counteract the lies. Both of his girls are now narcissists themselves (both adults now), and his ex and girls even went so far as spread lies to distant family members about the both of us to triangulate them against us knowing we were becoming closer to many in the same geographic location. In the meantime, we are living our own lives, focusing on us and not the drama, and had no idea of the lies being spread.

    I have girls of my own, and there are times I correct the lies. The children become confused that dad is telling them one thing and mom another–99% of the time it relates to an activity he claims he didn’t know about (though it was sent to him numerous times), or lies about having paid his share of something (which he has never done since we divorced). I simply hand them the business-like email request showing that it was done, and reassuring them that I am taking care of the situation.

    I’m not perfect, I sometimes react, and I keep expecting him to do the right thing, and I’m seriously working on that. But I am having troubles navigating not discussing the truth with them when I have seen the devastating results of children not knowing the truth.

  40. This video really resonated with me because I have adult children and I have already taken the steps to respond to my ex in a clear business like fashion. So I feel good on that front. We have a college graduation out of state next year and my daughter is feeling very anxious about it for many reasons. I’m not looking forward to it either. She only wants family who supported her through her process to attend. Her dad has a new family and they are attached like glue to each other and he is saying if they are not invited I’m not coming, obviously between them. Do I have to plan a party with him or can I just take her and a few friends out to dinner as a celebration?? This is the first time that I have even considered a different option, so thank you for that.

    All your modules have been so helpful and I credit your work in helping me to achieve this level of comfort with myself in regards to my ex. Thank you!!

    1. Hi Wendy,

      That’s great that this resonated with you!

      I’m so pleased you are NARPing and healing πŸ˜€

      Absolutely you can plan a separate celebration! That is what Parallel Parenting is all about!

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•β€οΈ

  41. Melanie,
    Hi, awesome, awesome…do you and your team have the full transcript of what you say in this episode? It is soooo good and I want to be able to pull it out often to remind myself.

    Background: My ex hired a $10k Parenting Evaluation and they saw through him giving me primary residential parent, made me the “decision maker” for medical, religion and education and gave him limited parenting time. They said we are to Parallel Parent instead of Co-Parent, because as you state it does not work with this unfortunate personality type. Sadly, our assigned Parenting Consultant who is suppose to help with communication enables his constant contact and control dramas, uh!

    I really like the part of not “waiting for him to do the right thing” as it dis-empowers you and you need to learn this for yourself in dealing with the NARC so that you can lead by example to your children, so powerful!

  42. I’m living in the same house with my kids and husband whose behaviour matches narcs description.
    I found the video useful even for my situation, thank you.

    I would like to ask, how to behave when narc is setting up straps at home? Would it be OK to ignore most of them, say nothing, and remove the ones that are health and safety hazards for me or kids? Write down facts and do a Module after?

    There’s no way of escaping traps while living together but living in separate properties isn’t an option (long story).

    How to keep kids safe and keep my power without feeding him narc supply?

    1. Hi Changing,

      If you simply can’t do Separate living arrangements yet, then yes the formula is detach, up level triggers (Module work) and focus on pro and positive actions.

      That is what works until you can separate.

      You are on it!

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•β€οΈ

  43. Hi Mel,
    Thank you for this post!
    I understand your recommendation #4 re not talking with children about the heinous lies and actions of their narcissistic father, however I think that when the children are older (teens through late 20’s), and have themselves suffered years of emotional and verbal abuse from said father, it can be absolutely vital for them to share with each other and with me (which they have done) as part of their healing process.
    There definitely comes a time to let go of the pain and shock, and to move forward into self empowerment!!!!
    And I am very grateful to have found you and the NARP program…..through this process, I am healing; I have reclaimed my identity and self empowerment, and I am better able to help my children.
    I still have legal battles ahead, but I am certainly more equipped than I was in early November 2017, when I discovered my husband had been involved in a 6 year + affair with another woman and her children, and had been living a double life.
    Thank you!
    MIE

    1. Hi Melissa,

      You are very welcome.

      Absolutely they will work it out and the time for those conversations will come in a healthy way!

      I am so pleased that you have done such great inner work with NARP and that you are in your power.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•β€οΈ

  44. Hi Melanie,

    Thanks so much, your advice re the parallel parenting is great and makes perfect sense.

    I struggle with one aspect, I am in the process of divorcing my narc husband. He does not want me to pick up the children from school on the days that are his time with them, he wants his mother to do that instead, well knowing that this is freaking me out as she is not trustworthy (he even thinks so himself but he knows that he can get at me like this). I do not feel comfortable and find it irresponsible if I just let this be made a court order as I am worried about the emotional and physical safety of my 6 and 4 year old children, besides, they do not particularly like her. She is also not the youngest anymore (69) and not particularly fit. She transports the kids without car seats or seat belt, is not a great driver and thinks that cupcakes are healthy nutrition for children.

    He argues that he does not want to see me anymore and this way, he would not need to pick them up from my house. I know that once I give in, he will probably change his mind again but I am too worried about my kids. What is your take on this and what would you suggest? Thanks so much in advance and I am so grateful for all the information you provide, it helps me to stay sane through this hellfire.

    1. Hi Melanie,

      Awww I do understand how difficult and hard this is.

      The problem is with parallel parenting with a narcissist that it can be very difficult to enforce what goes on with the children when it’s not your access time.

      I would check with your lawyer if you do have any power around safety for the children’s pickup, and if not then truly the best we can do is let go, and heal ourselves into an inner emotional place where we β€˜see’ and β€˜feel’ that our children are protected and safe.

      That truly is our biggest work in this, when we simply can’t control the uncontrollable.

      Have you connected to my transformational inner healing resources https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse ?

      They help so much with this.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•β€οΈ

  45. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for this video. I’m very new to NARP but wow it’s already made a huge difference in my life. I have plenty more healing to do though.

    I’ve been divorced for 8 years and my daughter spends the majority of time with me. I had consent orders put in place very early on and these are met.

    Every one of the narc behaviours you have described in this video I have experienced. I knew early on, when we were still married, that there was no way I could ever rely on him to parent let alone co-parent. With this knowledge about parallel parenting I realise this is something I’ve been attempting for some time and it’s only ever been my triggers and responses that have stopped this from being successful.

    I will be doing more NARP modules to heal for sure. Thank you for sharing the insights and the knowledge about parallel parenting.

    1. Hi Tanya,

      You are very welcome and I am so happy for you that NARP is making such a difference

      It’s wonderful that you’re healing!

      Much love to you and your daughter.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•β€οΈ

  46. I wish I had this information theee years ago at the onset of my divorce. Still trying to attain my freedom and separation from this horrific man. My kids have suffered and unfortunately I now realize I have not been doing all I can to shield them from the onslaughts. I need to get healthy so I can lead by example. Your parallel parenting video was very helpful and I plan on presenting the use of β€œOur Family Wizard” in our third parenting mediation next week. I have determined no contact is the best for my mental health and clinical responses are best. I wish I started from the get go. Is it too late?

  47. Thank you so much for this video Melanie! I do feel like I have a bit more clarity on how to navigate the very toxic situation with my ex-narc with parallel parenting. He absolutely refuses to use Talking Parents (similar to family wizard). He gets so angry when I try to enforce it and just continues texting abusive messages to my cellphone. It’s so hard to be the only one enforcing when the other parent doesn’t want to follow the court orders at all. I feel defeated most of the time but this really shines a light and is giving me a sliver of hope. I’ve been dealing with this for four years and I’m so emotionally exhausted. I’ve started my inner work last year and yet I’ve still fallen into the triggers and cycle with him. I really needed to hear all of this to open up a entirely different perspective and really take full responsibility for this.

    I did have a questions since it wasn’t addressed in this video specifically. How do we handle face time calls? We need to FaceTime when our son is with either one of us on our time yet he uses FaceTime as a pawn and an opportunity to engage with me or have an argument. The FaceTime calls have become so stressful that I’m thinking at this point it’s healthier for my son to not have any FaceTime calls with either one of us as it proves extremely stressful for our son.

    I am forever grateful for having found you and your incredible work. This is making me feel less alone. I also wanted to say that your message about the relief from this abuse being when your ex narc find someone new; really resonated with me because this all anyone ever says to me for four years now. It makes me feel helpless and desparate and hopeless but now after reading these articles and watching your video I do feel that there is a light at end of the tunnel.

    Thank you again, Melanie.

    1. Hi Sofia,

      I am so pleased that this has helped give you clarity and hope.

      The Face Time thing gets down to boundaries. All of us deserve an abuse free life and have the rights to enforce it.

      If you have evidence of abusive messages then I would enforce an intervention order against him where any contact can only be done via a portal and you have all the parameters in place as to when he cannot make contact with you – including whilst having FaceTime conversations with your son.

      Then if he breaches you can report it.

      I know it’s difficult to rise to that level, yet when we clear the fears of doing so, and rise to a level of deservedness for us and our children, there really isn’t anything else to do other than take the stand for β€˜enough’.

      Are you working with NARP and in the NARP Forum? That level of inner transformational work and support from other Thrivers is invaluable for you to get to this evolution.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•β€οΈ

  48. I’m so glad I stumbled upon this video!!! I thought I was alone feeling like, β€œwhy doesn’t he have the common sense to do what is right for our kid?!”

    Every part of the video I related to something said. I want to break free from this pain, frustration and anger!! I’m glad there’s hope.

    Thank you for sharing this!

  49. Thank you so much for such a supportive video, it’s both practical and inspirational. I’m going to watch it again and again, as it’s what I’m through now. He is so well aware of his parental rights, and took children from the nursery for the whole weekend. When I phoned them though he handled the phone to the little one and went out to buy a drink for himself leaving them alone! I made a record of my son crying for him. So, I think that software that you advised will be helpful. Can’t sleep well, when they’re not with me (((

  50. Thank you very much for your video here. I’ve watched many of your videos and purchased your NARP program.

    I’ve found that the more pain and fear I feel the weaker my boundaries. I think I am getting stronger, but it is such a work in progress. As you said in your video here it is my children that forces me down this incredible path of having to face my fears and better myself (get stronger with boundaries, etc). I was so very destroyed before this, and I had no idea how destroyed I was, but it becomes ever more apparent as I take each step of healing and getting stronger. I’m not completely there yet though. I still accidentally let venom seep out of me, either via a word here and there, or just energetically, in front of my kids, but I really dont want this to happen.

    I have court trial in two weeks. I’m starting to feel all should be okay, as it seems now that I’ve agreed to my solicitor and barrister to put the kids in school (previously we’ve always homeschooled), that they believe that the order will be for the kids to live primarily with me and go to school. Currently they spend four days a week with me and 3 days with their father, but this will have to change if the kids go to school. This makes me feel sad that they will not see him as much, but at the same time I know it will probably also be the best for them as they will feel a lot more settled.

    I have to sit down and write my responses to his court affidavit material, as there are so many lies and exaggerations. It’s an exhausting task, but I know it’s important after listening to your video on going to court against a Narcissist.

    Thanks heaps for your work Melanie.
    I’m so grateful for you doing this. I can see how so many generations of women (and men, but I’m guessing the phenomena of control over others has been more men over women) have suffered terribly before now. Although I’ve had this inherited emotional mess to deal with, and it’s been horrible, I’m grateful to be present in this time of human history, with our internet technology of sharing.

    Love Brit

    1. Hi Brit,

      That is wonderful that you are doing the deep inner healing work and showing up and confronting what you need to.

      You are doing a fantastic job and please feel mine and this incredible Communities support with what you are going through.

      Sending love, strength and breakthrough to you.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•β€οΈ

  51. Thank you for sending me here. I feel very hopeful. I have put a lot of the measures in place that you have discussed. It’s the parental alienation tactics and how to cope with seeing my children affected that I struggle with the most. Will take on your suggestions in that light. Thank you πŸ™πŸ½. I am also interested in your course. Will look into this.

  52. Hi Melanie
    March 6, 2019

    Hi My name is Becky my daughter was married to a narcissists who is a Police officer and his married the police office he had an affair with. It has been a constant battle for 4 years. He moved out of the county where they lived and my daughter is still living in the county where there daughter was born in. Trying to co-parent with him has been a nightmare he has tried to drag our whole family down accusing me my daughter friends of harassment went as far actually going to court trying the whole time to get my daughter to admit to things she did not do which she did not so it was dropped because he had no proof. He refuses to follow the MSA orders but my daughter has to follow them all or he is on her about every little thing. She has recently got him to sign up for Talking parents (court ordered). So now when she mention he has not follow a court order we now back to him saying she is harassment him and she is telling how to spend time with his daughter and now he knows all of this is on Talking parents so everyone can see it. Also him being a cop he knows all the legally terms that even sound scary, and his wife is his new cheerleader. It has just been a nightmare we both are glad we found your site. Its just very hard when you are not only fighting a narcissist but also two cops.

  53. I just found your site today and have been on here 2 hours browsing blogs and just watched this video. I am in my relationship still and trying to prepare a way out . We have 3 children together 41/2 son and 18 month old twin girls. I didn’t realize I was in an abusive relationship until this past year and actually truly realized the last couple of months. We are not married we are engaged (not happening) , we have been together 6 years. The stress level has been high since the kids arrived and I started to equate everything to that. He has been having mental out bursts within the past couple of months. He pushed me one day the only time he was ever physical. He said that he would beat the f out of me. He another day tried to kick open the door . He pushed my father and that was where I had to draw the line and open my eyes and put an end to this. He has a real immature childish temper. I have been leaving regularly with the kids to relatives. I told him he had to get himself together because I can’t be around this and stated he felt he was going through a midlife crisis and just felt he hadn’t really done anything within his lifetime. I suggested going and finding himself . Thinking he would return a better person . He left two weeks to a friends in out of town. He was supposed to go seek counseling and see why he was lashing out /depressed and return without a temper to be a better dad. He was going out every night changed his social media pic from a pic of us to a solo shot . Added new female friends etc. when confronted he blew up at me of course. I’ve since left on 3 other occasions to relatives based on the premise that my father is in the process of finding out whether he has cancer or not ( as I am away I don’t want to return. I never thought I would want to break up my family my parents have been married 52 years. He comes from a single mom who left his abusive father. I feel horrible but I know something has to change I no longer have any respect for him . I wrote him a long letter last week explaining what I will not tolerate which is the above incidents…His response was and here I thought I was doing better. His attitude has changed slightly catching himself snapping but not significant enough for me. Also he was very helpful with the kids before and now I don’t trust him with them at this point at all alone. I know he loves them but he all of a sudden has no patience and my son and the girls are super overwhelming at times and I just fear him losing his cool like he has so frequently lately and the fear of him hurting them sickens me. I’m soo confused! My heart knows I need to be done. My mind is overwhelmed by what has to take place in order to get where I want things to be and I’m treading ever so lightly on eggshells to avoid stress. While pregnant with twins at the end I ended up with hypertension postpartum. It would’ve likely resolved by now but hasn’t and I definitely attribute it to him. I am away and my pressure is perfect. I just gotta figure out what the steps are to know if I’m making the right choices for my children and that this is in fact beyond repair. Thank you for helping by dedicating yourself to such a cause. I just wrote this without reading so I hope it makes sense. I’m away at relatives and debating my return ( to my house, that contains 95% my stuff) smh . This is such a nightmare.

  54. Is parrelel parenting good for the Kids because the Kids Will as good as never see their parent toghetter anymore?

  55. I’ve been divorced for almost a year now and this is exactly what I needed to hear. I originally set a few of these boundries, however through his manipulation I relaxed them like I always would when we were married. I have come to realize recently that he will never change and no matter what I do I cannot make him.

    Thank you so much for this video!

  56. How can this be done with adult children who refuse to split holiday/special occasion timeβ€”especially with grandchildrenβ€”with the divorced parents?
    After divorce, my ex now insists on attending every function for the full-length of time even though I’ve give him first choice as to time/date, etc going 1/2 with me. He never used to stay for the full-length if functions before. Even when i try to arrive early or stay late, he will do the same so i can’t have my almost alone time with them. My adult children even expect if I’m going to invite them for a holiday dinner, i must invite him or they won’t come. I’ve taken to inviting them for dinner days before & calling it just β€œdinner” rather than β€œEaster Dinner” for example.
    The ex tells them, β€œI don’t know why she can’t be friendly. I’m over it. I dont know why she can’t get over it.”

    Melanie:?Im not over it. I divorced him so i could stop pretending that everything was ok when it wasn’t.
    When no one’s around, he’s abusive & threatening.
    In front of others, he’s a peaceful puppy making me look like the crazy one.

    How do i handle this?

    1. Hi Beverley,

      I’m so sorry you are going through this.

      This is the thing, you cant change other peoples choices, but there is a way emotionally to emerge impervious to them, meaning no longer emotionally triggered.

      With n’s that is when their shenanigans stop and the whole thing that is hurting you can dissolve away.

      All you can do is heal to achieve that.

      I’d love to show you how here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’›

  57. Hi Melanie,

    What’s the best Parallel-Parenting service to use now in your opinion and can you include which one(s) you have an affiliate link to sign up for (if any)?
    Thank you for your amazing help over the years!! Here’s a few out there: https://www.verywellfamily.com/best-online-communication-tools-for-co-parents-4080729

    Love,
    Harvey K, Brighton UK
    #erasedfamily

    BTW: Our politically correct system of generations of sanctioned, lucrative financial benefits for Sociopaths/Psychopaths/Ns/Barristers/Solicitors/Judges and Social/Civil/Criminal authorities are handsomely rewarded to act as extension tools of coercive control by proxy for the abuse of children and their non-resident families for large government allowance rewards (tax-payer funded and primarily lobbied by tax-payer funded WomansAid.org to hide truth (your work), Melanie) has never been more powerful and protected as it is in the United Kingdom, today. Please visit https://erasingfamily.org/

  58. Thank You So Much for the Practical/Useful Info in the video. I truly believe your video/article along with other similar videos have saved my sanity and therefore my life.

  59. I Loved the idea of our family wizard when I first heard of it an immediately set it up. Unfortunately, the N refused to use it point-blank and I was told by my lawyer that I could not force him which still annoys me (and probably a trigger I need to take to NARP). I compromised by setting up a separate email address which I check every few days and which is ONLY for communication re the children. I ignore any other comms via this email. He is blocked from my other emails (any mails he writes there go straight to my junk folder) and he is also blocked from my phone.

  60. Thank you so much Melanie for this video, I am going through a court battle with my ex husband after he has been physically and emotionally abusive towards the children. He is now trying to buy their love and profess how much he loves them, and told the court hundreds of lies about me. I purchased the silver Narp program and been working through this, I have been repeating number 8 to heal my fears up and stand my truth. It is definitely a life and soul lesson and my kids are brave and articulate and are clearly expressing they do not want to see their father. I would love to be part of the Narp community, I’m not sure how I do this? I have lots more court hearings to come, but thankfully until next Feb the court have ordered that the children do not have to see/speak to their father against their wishes. I have gained fantastic legal advice, they totally understand this type of behaviour, and I will continue to walk my truth and get through this for me and my beautiful humans that I am so lucky to have been blessed with. Lots of love, Miranda

  61. Thank you so much for really good advice! I am thinking about using the third party communication; The Family Wizard. I just have some questions; will the n know I took this course; the Narp program if I use the family wizard?

  62. You are giving me so much hope. When I watch these videos my anxiety goes down so much.
    Thank you for doing all of this.

  63. I have started taking the step in healing and walking away 2 years ago already. Meeting a supportive partner and seeing how well he treats me, made me only then realise how bad I was treated by my ex narc and it’s scary, and left me questioning why I was stupid enough to put up with it. Through the love and support I now get, I became somewhat stronger and started the court process for a parenting plan. What has been discouraging is that he is blind sighting everyone and I’m coming across as a person trying to cause problems. I have given them diary entries of a year and a half detailing events, yet this hasn’t helped me much. We have a temporary visitation schedule which must still be tweaked and made permanent. His current fiance has flown into me too, he called me crazy, told me I needed psychological help, he told the social worker that I am a narcissist, said I’m demon possessed and shouldn’t go to church, and yet none of this was reported in court. When I asked the social worker why, she said anyone would react that way when they are accused of things they didn’t do…. I was so proud of myself and how calm I stayed (besides being petrified of him and mustering everything in me to be courageous enough to take this legal step).
    Thank you for these tips, I will see if the app will work in South Africa.
    I have bought a book – Power, surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse by Shahida Arabi and then stumbled on your clips which have really been beneficial to me.

    Thank you

  64. Can parallel parenting work while still in a relationship with the NPD?

    There are strategies available to help establish boundaries, limit toxic conversations, and avoid paper trails that can be used against you. When young children are involved, sometimes the risk is higher when leaving the relationship than it is to stay.

    I’d like to know if this is possible, while empowering oneself with useful strategies.

    Also, are there useful tips on how to deconstruct with young children when they’re being used against you?

    1. Hi Sarah,

      it would be very difficult because parallel parenting is all about you and the narcissist not having contact and having separate life and parenting experiences with your children.

      The greatest tips I always push, promote and quite frankly call out from the mountaintops with our children, is to heal ourselves deeply from the inside out and then lead the way. Then we don’t need to deconstruct anything, we just live powerfully from a healed and whole center and then our children organically follow.

      To get emotionally empowered and free for you and your children I can’t recommend NARP enough http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      The most successful parents in our community are those healing with NARP.

      I hope that this can help

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ¦‹

  65. I am a high conflict divorce coach and the women from my course have informed me that Family Wizard is funded and used to support men’s rights advocates. The men’s rights advocates claim women are using children as a pay check and that many women have children to achieve a sort of pay check from men. They also claim alienation as a defence against child abuse. Stating that protective parents brainwash and manipulate children from their fathers. When in fact it is most often the fathers own behaviour estranging them from their children. There are many other parenting apps that can be use and recommend,led, so I would ask that you look into this. Unfortunately, suggesting our family wizard could further employer unhealthy father in their abuse against protective parents and their children.

  66. I never spoke ill of my daughter’s father, nor tell her the crazy crap that went on at times. Not until maybe she was nearly adult age did we talk more about some of the negative stuff, but by then she was mature enough to not be hurt or confused by it and only because she asked. Too bad I didn’t receive the same respect in not being undermined as a woman, artist and mother.

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