Melanie Tonia Evans

Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse – The 5 Illusions Of Victimhood

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 10
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This article is a follow on from last week’s article Raising Consciousness – The Difference Between Victimisation and Thriving.

After last week’s article I was overwhelmed with positive feedback. Many people emailed me and messaged me on Facebook stating “I am so proud of you for doing this!” … and I really didn’t expect or need accolades, that’s not why I am doing this mission – yet what did thrill me was knowing that people are shifting. More and more people are transcending from mere survival to true Thriving in this community every day.

What was also wonderful was people, who were very honest about still being stuck in their victimhood, asked questions … and even though I can’t answer you all personally, I really wanted to answer those questions in this article.

That is what my intention with this article is about – helping people leave behind the pain and stuckedness of victimisation so that you can truly move forward.

The most important thing I would love you to understand is this: no matter what I explain to you – the real truth is inside you. It’s how your body feels. You already know “what isn’t working” in response to how a choice feels in your body.

It’s just we weren’t taught how vital it is to honour that, and that’s what the Thriver journey is all about – self-partnering. The coming home to yourself in order to navigate life from that centre.

In this article I want to work through the five illusions of victimhood as I see them. To really help you break this down and get clear why victimhood is hurting you so much, and what it is actually teaching you regarding how to get better, become actualised and break free from the pain and the repeat victimised cycles you are suffering.

I will start off by leading with this … What someone did to us is not what victimises us. What victimises us is being in judgement of someone for the state of our lives, rather than partnering with ourselves.

Because we are unable to mid-wife our breakdown to a profound breakthrough in our own evolution.

Which means we can’t heal – and we don’t get better.

Okay, so let’s go through the 5 illusions one by one …

 

Illusion 1: What I Think is How I Gauge My Life Rather Than What I Feel

This illusion sets the foundation of feeling stuck as a victim, and therefore it is really important to understand it.

Being separated from love from others and the great stuff in life all starts with separation from self.

If we are not in our bodies tuned into our natural wisdom and knowing, we are disconnected from our internal guidance system which is trying to lead us into genuine wellbeing.

This means we are second guessing; we don’t trust ourselves, which leads us into the precarious position of putting our trust in others.

Often even when our gut is trying to tell us the exact opposite.

It’s not until we do eventually come home into our bodies and realise how effective internal knowing is, that we realise how complicated our life was being disconnected from our internal guidance system.

Living life in our heads and being disconnected from being with our internal emotions is one of the most painful illusions to live by and it is incredibly compelling.

The human experience has been one entrenched in disconnection for centuries. For thousands of years we have been trained out of our original roots of being in tune with our bodies, nature cycles and listening to infinite inner wisdom (the God within) in order to navigate our lives effectively with our environment.

In stark contrast we have been unplugged … we are in massive self-disconnect. This complicates life because we feel incredibly unhinged and unsafe.

This causes us to look for answers, love, support and safety in all the wrong places (outside of ourselves).

As if this wasn’t bad enough, on top of this programming we were encouraged to do everything to avoid or shut our shattered emotions (the pain of disconnection) up … rather than come home to them, self-partner and heal them (self-integrate).

Of course this made people very easy to control. If people are in perpetual inner emptiness, pain, discontent and confusion (symptoms of self-disconnection) then there is a definite gap in the market to offer solutions to “fix” negative emotions.

Everything ranging from a new car to an anti-depressant.

You may wonder what all of this has to do with “victimhood” …

It has everything to do with it.

When we are in our heads we feel disconnected from ourselves, and that means we are not self-present to heal, love and soothe our emotions when things go wrong. So the pain continues and escalates because we are not healing it – and then, because it is so horrendous when unattended to, we have to try to displace it by finding something / someone to “blame” for the emotional state we are in.

Then we are further toxifying and damaging our Inner Being with the poison of resentment coursing through it (nasty peptide chemicals that create self-destruction), and like all false fixes … (usually states / choices we get very addicted to) the relief channel sought only compounds the already existing trauma.

And then we chase our tail having to up the ante of the self-avoidant action trying to relieve the very pain and anxiety that is being compounded by that very action.

Blaming others is the epitome of that vicious cycle.

You need to understand this … one of the biggest reasons why we fell into narcissistic abuse situations in the first place was because we were not anchored in our body honouring our emotions.

Even if our internal GPS was doing back flips with red flags, our “mind” made up excuses; we wanted this person to be a real person despite the mirage. We wanted them to be the saviour who would grant us a connection back to ourselves and life … despite knowing at some deep level this person was not right for us.

Sadly, we were trained out of listening to our bodies – our intuition, our inner wisdom – from a very early age. This happened in the simplest and most damaging of ways, such as: Mum and Dad argue and we know there is something going down. Then we want to discuss this with them because our feelings of safety and survival feel threatened. Mum and Dad deny they are arguing; they think lying protects us, but what it is really doing is shattering the trust in our own internal navigation systems.

Because Mum and Dad are our “Gods “and we don’t have an established Inner Identity yet, we look to them for all our modelling of human existence. As a small child we soak up their example as utter truth, because we have no frame of reference to formulate information otherwise.

So we very quickly learn my internal system is off. It’s wrong. it’s faulty. It’s not to be trusted.

Then the obvious happens … we become adults in “danger”, and our GPS system goes off and we can’t trust it. So we try to confirm what is happening with other people, and we believe THEIR version – even if it is a LIE.

That is exactly what went down in narcissistic abuse.

What I find sooo interesting is the smearing that has happened in regard to “intuition”.

People determined to stay victims say things like this to me, “Melanie, all of this intuition, getting in your body stuff is all New Age woohoo!” And I have to admit once upon a time when I was unplugged from myself and stuck in my head I used to think the same thing!

Now I know this point blank if we don’t understand how relevant intuition is – we deny ourselves everything … and I mean that literally. Everything!

We miss the point – we miss the gift and lesson of what happened to us, and we have no way of making it our mission to clean up our VITAL connection to ourselves.

We miss the narcissistic abuse experience as being the most incredible billboard pointing you home to yourself. The necessary mission to repair all of that disconnect that happened years ago – not just so you will never get taken in by a narcissist again, but so you can start having the true experience of self-partnering, connecting with and loving yourself and generating real life.

One where your life is no longer based on external precarious conditions – such as other people’s truths rather than your own. That was a massive “gap” that allowed a narcissist into your life.

The other “gap” when we are living unplugged is the gnawing emptiness of …

“I can’t feel whole unless I get A, B, C and D.”

Then it is inevitable that a False Self rushes into those gaps jumping up and down with, “Look at me! Look at me – I am the solution!” … no different to the false solution of the new car or the antidepressant if posing as solution to the lack of solution you are being for yourself.

Additionally many victims mistakenly believe, “If I just use my intelligence to learn everything there is do with narcissists, I will heal and avoid them in the future.

That is TOTAL rubbish!

Yep I just said it … how it truly is … because I PROMISE you learning all there is to know about a narc is NOT a valid defence.

Get this – please … only partnering with and repairing and your own inner being, your own GPS is.

And of course people resist this – because there has been such a great job of damning intuition as airy fairy, “new age”, and even ridiculous or stupid.

Or heaven forbid – even evil.

Let’s face it there was a total genocide of drowning or burning anyone who displayed “intuition”(usually females), not so long ago.

Sooo … we may say “that person is weird” if they talk about their intuition, or state “that was a fluke or a coincidence” if anyone’s intuition proved to be true.

Yet it is the most simple and natural of our abilities and was originally always meant to be so.

Every one of us knows the utter truth that when we have a gut feeling, and ignore it … how things turn out poorly.

If we are disconnected and second guessing, our mind jumps in and starts supplying excuses, reasons and justifications, and we talk ourselves out of a gut feeling.

And we pay a huge price.

Not just some of the time … EVERY time!

On a smaller scale, how many times have every one of us had a gut feeling such as, “take this item with you today,” then ignored that and later in the day realised how necessary that thing was?

There is NO denying our internal GPS exists and is correct, yet we still make excuses to dismiss it as “our imagination”.

When we are victims, we are not in our body, we are not listening to our feelings; in fact we have completely abandoned our bodies and guts and we are firmly in our head.

This is where our ego is the most severe, devastating and powerful in our lives. This is when we become toxically engaged in blaming and shaming and horrendous feelings of pain whilst doing everything we can to try to escape our emotional agony.

I really want you to understand THAT is the antithesis of self-love.

This is total disconnect from self-partnering.

It means not loving ourselves enough to be with our own emotions to heal them.

 

Illusion 2: Someone is to Blame For What Has Happened to Me

Illusion 2 leads on from Illusion 1.

When we are not in our body, and have not realised that the pain someone delivers us is showing up for us where we are not self-partnering – then we will blame them for our pain.

Rather than understanding the bigger picture: this was all to do with me coming home to myself for self-partnering, self-love and becoming the generative source of my own life experience – we default back to the judgemental role models and scapegoats our world conditioned us to believe in.

Namely … “Someone else is to blame, and some outside evil force made this happen to me.”

Which is all very convenient because it allows us to sidestep personal responsibility.

More profoundly than that – it means that if we are blaming other people we are powerless to help ourselves – which means point blank we remain powerless.

Let me explain in really simple terms how this works.

It means … “Because of you my day is ruined and I can’t make my day okay now. Unless YOU fix it!”

Logically isn’t this ridiculously odd seeing I have an unlimited world of experiences, resources and emotions available to me OTHER than you?

This illusion of blaming you and holding you responsible for the state of my life means my experience of myself and my world is now completely dependent on you.

And then what happens if you – as well as myself, because I certainly aren’t taking responsibility for my own life – don’t have the resources to come through with the goods?

It’s pretty obvious – I’m SCREWED!!!

And then I am determined to blame YOU for that?!

Let’s just stop and breathe all of that in … Can you see how insane this notion is?

Can you see how utterly powerless the victim blame model is?

Clearly something is terribly flawed here …

 

Illusion 3: Someone Hurting Me is a Personal Attack On Me

Illusion 3 leads on from Illusion 2.

When we are blaming someone for not being the source of ourselves that we are holding them responsible to be … if feels incredibly personal.

We feel like they are evil monsters, who purposefully make our life a living hell.

We don’t understand that he or she REFUSING to take responsibility to fix our life is for one reason only …

Life is doing all it can to let us know it’s actually our responsibility!

However, until we evolve beyond victim consciousness, this illusion is incredibly powerful and keeps us separated from other vital understandings necessary to transcend beyond the lesson.

Such as … we haven’t realised that the total lack of compassion and humanity we accuse abusers of is mirroring the intense resentment and judgement that we hold against them.

We don’t have the wisdom or compassion of deeper understanding to know the absolute truth …

That there is ONLY one reason anyone does anything to hurt another, and that is because they themselves are in grave emotional pain.

The greater the capacity to hurt, the more torturous agony that soul is in.

If you were to see a three year old child being brutalised now … would you have compassion for him or her?

Of course you would.

What if you were to fast forward and see that this little innocent child has become an abuser. Would you still feel compassion, or would you feel hatred towards them?

What if this abuser was abusing you?

Would you see it as a personal attack? Or would you see it as where they are in their own journey of being unconscious, and it is therefore NOT personal at all?

All of that would depend on where you are at with your journey of self. Whether or not you are an evolving self-partnering being connecting to truth … or not.

If you are not in your body, and not self-partnering and are still holding other people responsible for your disconnection, (ironically people who are severely disconnected and suffering their own agonising wounds) you will MISS the truth …

That it is NOT personal. These people are wounded adults acting out of intense internal wounds, and given their level of internal damage can do it NO differently.

When you come home to yourself you recognise this, you know this is truth. You know this person is simply being the best they can presently be, and you remaining attached to their abuse is really about you abusing yourself.

You also know that when you learn to love yourself enough you will never tolerate abuse again – because you simply will not allow anyone to treat you in ways that you could never treat yourself.

Those are the lessons.

Now … let’s take this illusion deeper.

Let’s do a dialogue of a victim stuck in the belief “what happened to me is wrong, and I need to blame someone.”

This person who victimised me was once a victim .. that’s the deal ..

So who victimised them … their parents did.

So I want to blame the parents!  I want to witch hunt them, get them, burn them and damn them to hell for what happened to me!

But who victimised them?

Their parents!

Okay so I want to hold them responsible …

But their parents were like that too …

Hang on … who CAN I point the finger at?? Who is the real culprit?

Ok … our world?

Or … maybe it’s God??

I know … maybe it’s the Devil???

But that still feels like rubbish in my body – I’m STILL blaming …

I’m still withholding love from myself … I still haven’t come home to myself in my own body, self-partnered and loving myself, healing myself and learning to trust myself and navigate Life directly with Life.

So truly … why don’t I just give all that crap up of trying to lynch someone …. and just start healing and loving myself, as well as face some real truths about all of this?

Doesn’t that make so much more sense?

And that’s exactly what I am doing in this article – revealing truths that you may never have thought about, looked at or even wanted to acknowledge.

Namely … why are abusers the way they are, and why have we ourselves been susceptible to abusers?

The real answer is this: because of world-wide unconsciousness.

For every one of us who had a difficult childhood or suffered an abuser in our life, we need to ask ourselves “Why were parents like that?”

It is not organic to be “abusive”. It is sadly normal, but it is not natural.

The only reason humanity took a severe nosedive into unconsciousness is because fear and pain was inflicted – shame, judgment and attacks on self-esteem were introduced.

Including conditional love, punishment, and all sorts of ways to think of ourselves as defective, not good enough and having to prove that we were worthy of love.

The human condition has not done any favours for people’s organic healthy connection with themselves, and there was no training regarding emotional intelligence or how to bring children up without creating damage to their subconscious.

How many children had a healthy upbringing where parents were not wounded, not in survival and were somatically and emotionally sound enough to be present with TRUE love … not conditional love, not punishing love, not love full of determinants and expectations?

How many children grew up knowing that they were lovable and valuable simply as themselves?

How many children grew up with parents who had the healthy awareness and tools modelled to them to separate out and guide behaviour without shaming and blaming a child’s Inner Identity?

The answer?

Barely any!

The rare individuals who did have conscious healthy parents are the ones who have gorgeous relationships with other gorgeous conscious people.

Or they didn’t have these parents and either just “were” an anchor of love (their personality type) or they did a lot of work on themselves to get there.

So then we can ask “How many real happy relationships exist?” The answer is very few because there are very few people in our shockingly unconscious world … very few people … who don’t believe that someone else has to either fix what happened to them (victim model) or someone else has to grant them healthiness and happiness (victim / co-dependent model).

Because of separation from self, people felt separated from Life and others and they maladapted to cope. They started lying, hiding, wearing masks … trying to be a certain way (inauthentic) in order to survive.

Humanity quite frankly is extremely sick.

If your parents or the abuser’s parents had been brought up in a world where emotional intelligence and healthy self and healthy parenting was compulsory training and they reneged on classes – then yes, you could blame them.

The truth is they had no skills; they were simply trying to emotionally survive within the emotional malfunction of their own damaged subconscious programming that they acquired from their parents – the subconscious programming that from age 35 years of age controlled 95% of their emotions, thoughts and choices on auto-pilot.

Programming that was likely to be severely skewered away from love and certainly not towards it.

This is why we have a world filled with the co-dependency of our side of the net (If I am good enough to you and give you everything you want, you might just love me this time) with the other side of the net crammed with narcissists (If I can control you enough you can’t ever hurt me again), and the toxic ball-play between enemies getting trashed out in-between.

Not even realising we are NOT enemies … we are all in this together!

All because of the faulty programming and lack of spiritual, emotional awareness our world is inflicted with – known as dire UNconsciousness.

I promise you, you are not in battle with a narcissist … you are in battle with unconsciousness – the trance our world is plunged in that makes it all look like “It’s someone else’s fault.”

The belief that has left you totally powerless to create a different life for yourself.

It’s NO-ONE’s fault … it was all created to be like this.

And when we blame and look to pin the fault somewhere we have lost our humanity and compassion for the wounded people before us, who were entrenched in the unconsciousness and wounding of their forebears.

Is that mother or father going to have the opportunity to wake up and heal themselves? Can they ever get well, and get out of their living internal hells? They more than likely won’t and that is the saddest thing anyone can suffer – the not coming home to their own True Self – the never being able to become an integrated human being.

Can narcissists do that? At this point it’s highly unlikely …

But we, as an adult today can.

ALL of us … victims and victimisers alike are victims of this.

So … the only … ONLY question is this one: Am I going to wake up?

So how will you get out of this trance?

By taking 100% personal responsibility to heal. You need to understand this determinant is absolute, because someone who will not take personal responsibility for their own Inner Being (narcissists, as an example, are the ultimate victim) can never heal.

But you can … you can stop being a victim, you can take 100% personal responsibility to stop blaming, stop believing it is a personal attack against you, and heal your our being to release yourself from this unconscious nightmare.

None of this is about personal attack.

It is about personal evolution.

 

Illusion 4: Reinforcing My State Will Someone Heal Me From it

Illusion 4 leads on from Illusion 3.

When we believe we have been personally attacked by an abuser, we believe we have been shattered, and we tell ourselves that “reality” often.

And we even get told by others that having a “voice” about our version of being destroyed and shattered will help heal us.

Really ….. ?

REALLY …?!?

Noooo!!!

This never works – it simply reinforces your state.

Because … whatever you say you are right.

Beliefs are powerful – they form your Inner Identity. Please understand this, your subconscious is monstrously powerful. It is responsible for the billions of every day chemical processes that keep you alive.

Processes waaayyy beyond the level of your conscious knowledge or ability.

Your subconscious also has the almighty power to turn your chosen beliefs and statements that are steeped in strong emotions into absolute truth for your life.

They become the controlling determinant of how you feel, what you think, how you show up, what you generate in accordance with others and life as per how your show up, and what life delivers to you – to the letter.

This is simply more dire unconsciousness going on in our world …  people telling you to vent and indulge in your victimhood often … because truly all that is doing is cementing you further into it.

This mistaken recommendation is abusing you horrifically, and you would fare much better if Groups recommending this did not even exist.

The truth is the victim model started with all of us as children. We were powerless, we were overtaken, we didn’t have a voice or a say.

Even though we became adults, many of us had never healed that “smallness”, or felt that we had a voice or could present comfortably in our own power without the fear of rejection, punishment or abandonment.

Because we had not healed, we had not evolved past that, and we had not emotionally grown up –these unconscious states of not being a source to ourselves were all we knew.

It was our version of “normal”, the trying to find “things” and “people” outside ourselves to take away the anxiety of not being able to show up anchored in our bodies as “ourselves”.

So then enters the narcissist, stage right, posing as the solution to all anxiety; the person to supply us with security, love, approval, safety – all the things we want in order to finally be safe.

We surrender into this “dream” and then we get terrorised with more unsafe behaviour than we had ever experienced.

Why? Because “the dream” wasn’t real. The dream HAD to turn into a nightmare in order to wake us up to heal and become these states and source to ourselves.

And then if we don’t finally come home to self-partner and be with ourselves, if this massive wake-up call didn’t get our attention, severe C-PTSD is the result … because we assume that this person not coming through with “being our Source to self” is the greatest tragedy.

When all along it was the greatest gift.

In this perception of total despair we feel totally fearful, anxious and traumatised – because our Inner Identity without self-love and our own attention (the attention it always needed) coupled with the total abandonment by the person we hoped would supply “the dream”– feels intensely victimised and powerless.

More so than ever before.

Such is the power of breakdown opportunities that happen in order to lead us toward personal breakthrough. They hit very hard … as hard as necessary to smash the previous illusions to pieces.

But if we don’t see this, embrace it and accept it in order to heal ourselves and do the personal work … what will we do?

The answer is simple …we talk about the trauma without shifting it, without solving it and without healing it.

Over and over and over …

And over, and over, and over …

And over, and over and over …

We repeat our shattered reality; we discuss it with others … we share powerless helpless stories with others playing out the same illusion. We state “I have PTSD”, and we research that and join those Groups as well, and we have daily discussions about all the limitations of our conditions, how horrible what happened to us was, and how we now will have our symptoms for life.

Then we research all the shocking things narcissists do, how they affect our brain chemistry and the irreparable damage that causes, and we reinforce “Is it any wonder we are like this?”

How is that going to get you better?!?

How on earth do you believe that is going to make you better when you feel like hell every day doing it, and you are NOT getting better?

(I know what that’s like, I used to do it!)

It’s not making you better! All it does is convince your subconscious over and over and over, “I am a victim, I am sick, I am powerless!”

People don’t get better from this state – they get more stuck in offloading regularly to try to escape the trauma of themselves, and generally start medication or pick up other addictions to try to burn the agony of their addiction to powerlessness off.

The body breaks down, psychological wiring becomes more and more fragile, and all sorts of illnesses and even terminal disease manifests.

Then naturally more blame and shame and helplessness happens to try to offset inner emotional agony as a self-perpetuating feedback loop with no way out.

Understandably the pain and hopelessness and diminishment of life gets so great that people may decide to give up on life altogether.

Of course there is a better way … a very obvious one …

STOP doing that! Recognise the truths and the bigger pictures which do set you free, and get your full focus on how to heal your self-disconnection!

 

Illusion 5: By Calling Abusers Out We Will Stop Them

Illusion 5 leads on from Illusion 4.

If we continue to affirm how sick and powerless we are, we believe there is no hope for us … but at least if we can call out all abusers they won’t be able to do to others what they did to us.

As human beings when we are stuck in our heads, we think that we have some sort of jurisdiction over Life and we interfere with the processes of life to our detriment.

The classic example of this is how we can act it out with our children. We think that by stepping in and trying to fix, change, lecture and prescribe that we are teaching them stuff. And then we get really shocked and angry when they don’t learn despite all our effort to change their behaviour.

The truth is no-body learns until we let go, and we let Life deal with them … which it does when we stop fixing, prescribing and making it our own business to make people behave in the way that we think they should.

Getting hooked in to being “the righteous police” only allows people to displace their bad behaviour onto us and blame us for their choices that aren’t healthy. Then we try to continue holding them responsible and the toxic volleys whizz around at full swing.

What happens when we let go and stop trying to force other people to do our version of life?

This happens … we leave them to their own version, their own life and their own cause and effect.

If we are living in our heads, we are not responsible for our own emotions and yet we are trying to force everyone else to be. This futile trying to control people that aren’t ourselves stops when we are living life in our bodies, self-partnering and listening to and honouring our own emotions.

No longer do we try to change other people in order to feel happy, loved and safe, and no longer do we partake in toxicity or abuse. That would be an act of self-abandonment, and it’s just not possible anymore.

Living in our bodies, we make it our first priority to pull back and nurture and heal our own emotions. We stop repetitively touching stoves that burn us because it’s just not tolerable anymore. We pull away to ensure that we are self-loving, and we provide our own good feelings and don’t get them toxically mixed up with other people’s.

Then if people want to be in our self-loving space genuinely and have the capacity to change, they do … but it is only when we stop bailing them out, stop keeping the fires burning, stop making excuses for them, stop keeping the wheels turning for them, and stop allowing them to justify their behaviours to us over and over whilst we try to wrestle them to the ground … then, and ONLY then, if they are capable … they may crash and burn … and then awaken.

And if they don’t and can’t then we are better off anyway.

And maybe we have to let what we put into this relationship crash and burn too … assets, reputation, status, connection, relationships – there may be many casualties  … but we come out of this aligned with soul truth because FINALLY we have started self-partnering.

So what has this got to do with wanting to call out abusers?

So much!

Calling out abusers does nothing other than cement abuse in your life even more. You have just chained yourself more to the abuser by wanting to call them out as your focus, rather than evolving yourself beyond abuse.

And again your emotions are screaming to you “Wrong Town!” … these emotions feel like rubbish in your body (not relief or calm or love) telling you that you are stuck in the problem and not generating a solution.

The solution is never about calling out abusers, which is the most encouraged action that Abuse Forums do as loudly as they can, they call it “raising awareness” with as much posting and sharing as possible. What they don’t realise is that this is more likely to hook people up with abusers than if they said nothing.

You cannot activate your focus on something saying “No” to it and make that mean “No” … It always means “Yes”!

This is no different to this analogy … the more scared you are of steering your car off the road into a tree the more likely you are to do that. You are generating “lack of confidence in your own driving ability”.

This is “Fear” … and fear creates exactly what we fear.

It also makes what we fearfully believe become “True”.

This is how it goes … Imagine these thought processes …

“I have to look out for abusers, because abusers are everywhere. I know that person down the street is one. Oh no … my employee in this new job is a narcissist … My friend, her Mum is a narcissist, and maybe my friend really is too. I met a new guy last week, and now I’m really worried. Certain things he said are dodgy – what if he is a narcissist too?!”

Can you see the insanity?

See how all of this focus, paranoia and hypervigilance creates the belief, “Narcissists are everywhere!” as right?

“And so it is …” says the almighty Universal Mechanics which are intricately connected with your almighty subconscious. This is what the Universe has to say about all this narc focus and paranoia: “You believe it Oh Powerful One, and therefore this IS your experience.”

(And all the time you thought it was to do with all those nasty, terrible narcs!)

Wouldn’t it be much healthier to be working toward the goals of being really anchored in your body – radiant, authentic and powerful, and easily flushing out any False Self in your presence?

Hell yeah!!!

Then you have only ONE person to worry about, instead of an entire populous that you have absolutely NO control over!

(God our human perpetuated victim illusions are ridiculous!)

So … here is the truth … singing out the big warnings about abusers, how they destroy lives and what to look out for puts people into fear. This is the fearful “education” that narcissists walk amongst us in droves, can take anyone in and people are mostly powerless against such soulless evil people.

This is utter rubbish – truly.

But the people who believe it create it for themselves, and overlay this on others on a huge scale – dragging other people down into powerless unconsciousness as well.

This is more of an issue than narcissists!

It actually provides food for narcissist!

It gets right back to the start of the illusion of victimisation “It is not what someone did to you, it is your judgement of it that is creating your trauma.”

I have had my life smashed to pieces too – I am not dismissing how awful it was for any of us … but the only reason that happened to me was because I was disconnected from myself and I was not self-partnered – period!

People who are healthily connected to themselves do not suffer narcissists – ever. Narcissists are completely powerless against them because the only power a narcissist ever has against you is your own disconnection with yourself.

Period!

And in NO way is that to shame you or blame you, that understanding – it is to empower you to know that when you sort that out then and only then you will have abuse sorted forever.

And you will not have ANY ongoing abuse symptoms. Your “being” does not require them anymore to wake you up and get your attention!  The message has been heard and acted upon to heal your own disconnection from self.

A narcissist is a powerless wounded child acting out as a bully to people he or she can drag in and terrorise. If you are healthily anchored in your own body this can’t happen (the taking in), because at the very first warning your GPS signalled to you, you clarify and confront.

You speak up. You show up!

And now as your own Source of a wonderful life, you don’t have to lie to yourself about someone else being it, and you certainly don’t need them to be it. You are free to FULLY be yourself, and the narcissist who is unable to meet you at your authentic life level becomes really uninteresting and quite frankly repulsive real quick.

Usually in seconds.

It’s quite the revelation I promise you!

This is how it does play out with False Selves when you are self-partnered.

So WHY aren’t we spreading THAT information?

If we did we would have a true solution to narcissistic abuse, as well as narcissistic abuse symptoms and healing.

Think about this … unconscious relationships require two people to play them out. So if we all wake up, who are abusers left with?

Themselves …

Also I want you to think about this point … why would we warn people whose soul requires this unconscious playout with a narcissist to reverse a disconnected life and come home to themselves?

I certainly won’t … because that was the absolute gift and gratitude myself and thousands of other people who are in this community now live – the total realisation that there is nothing that can happen that is not a part of the Higher Divine Plan.

And how utterly wonderful that we did experience a narcissist in order to come home to ourselves.

I hate to think what my life would be like if narcissistic abuse didn’t happen to me.

Soulless … unsatisfying no matter what I achieved, anxious, fearful and always precarious and conditional.

No thanks!!

I want you to understand this … all of this propaganda about the horrendousness of narcissists is only creating more victims to be taken in by them, let alone not seeing the Higher Purpose and glorious Bigger Picture in all of this.

Which is: the awakening out of unconsciousness … the ending of the pain, abuse and all the ridiculous power plays and powerlessness we have been entrenched in that all began because of the real issue – being disconnected from ourselves.­

The true way to have people not taken in by narcissists is to help empower people to be in their bodies, connected to their intuition, self-partnering, self-loving and self-respecting and being a whole self-generative source to themselves.

Can you see that this is about sooooo much more than never being susceptible to abusers again?

It is actually about becoming the Grandest Joy and Love imaginable.

Because being self-partnered is the greatest joy and fulfilment anyone has ever wanted – in fact it IS the ONLY state of being that was ever going to fulfil you or anyone else.

Nothing else was ever going to be a substitute for that.

I really hope this article has hit home.

Please share this article. It is a part of the awakening our world desperately requires to get well … one person at a time.

Please also know that I have just opened up my next Free Webinar – The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse and if you are now really determined to throw off the victim model and want to learn how to Thrive … I would love you to join me.

You can do so by signing up to this free 3 hour tele-class here.

 

As always I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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58 Thoughts on Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse – The 5 Illusions Of Victimhood
  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    July 24, 2015

    Rock on, Mel!

    Peace and joy,

    Val (in Colorado)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Val,

      thanks darl .. bless and much Love!

      Mel xo

      • mariane.beck@gmail.com'
        Mariane
        July 27, 2015

        This is a complete scam….I purchased the NARP Silver package and tried to get the refund.

        The “package” is refundable within the first 30 days. Of course, it is never made clear as to where you are to go for your refund. I emailed Admin support twice and got no response. As soon as my re-occurring payment went through I replied as to how I had tried to cancel and was told that I could not cancel past the 30 days.

        Melanie has some great articles but she is taking advantage of the vulnerable….otherwise there would be clear instructions on how to cancel and who to contact if you would like a refund. Very dissapointed.

        • support@melanietoniaevans.com'
          harryw
          July 27, 2015

          Hello Mariane,

          We are sorry we were not able to resolve the issue to your satisfaction. We do have a return policy in place and we must adhere to our policies. Here is the link to our refund policy http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/docs/policies/deliveryandrefundpolicy.htm. Unfortunately you didn’t contact us within the time period required. We have had significant correspondence and we’ve tried to explain the situation and resolve the matter with you.
          Within this correspondence we have requested you to forward those emails through requesting the refund before the time period was up, and you stated you cannot find them.
          You also received Automatic Responders from our office after purchasing NARP which outlined the address to contact if you wanted to request a refund within the 30 days.
          The NARP program has successfully helped thousands recover from their own narcissistic abuse experiences. I can assure you, it is not a scam.
          And far from Melanie taking advantage of people, I can assure you, many people like yourself don’t get to see just how many of these programs she donates to people, who don’t have the fund to purchase it.

          Mariane Beck Today 12:51
          • View original emailThat’s convenient
          Sent from my iPhone
          Make this comment an internal note
          support@melanietoniaevans.com (View original email)
          • iPhone Mail

          Harry Williams Today 12:29 (assign)
          Hello Mariane,
          Unfortunately we must stick to our refund policy. If you cannot forward the original email request as mentioned then we will not be able to service your request.
          All the best with your healing journey,
          Harry Williams
          Support Team Member
          FOR Melanie Tonia Evans
          International relationship expert, author, radio host
          Founder Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd
          http://www.melanietoniaevans.com
          http://www.snapoutofitradionetwork.com/Host_Melanie_Tonia_Evans.html
          support@melanietoniaevans.com
          Make this comment an internal note

          Mariane Beck Yesterday 01:37
          I have looked in my sent and my trash and cannot locate the emails.
          It is very frustrating because I know I sent the two emails to Admin Assistance because even though there was a “gauranteed refund” within the 30 day trial period, there was never a link or a specified place to send an email for the refund.
          I didn’t hear anything back from Admin and hoped that both or one of my emails had made it through.
          I love Melanie and what she has to offer. I think that she is a blessing and is helping soooooo many people (including myself) with her blog. The modules just didn’t work for me and I really can’t afford them. I felt like it was a waste of my time. I tried doing module one at least 5 times……
          I appreciate you getting back to me, but at this point I can’t help but feel a little frustrated with the system that is in place. There really should have been clearer information on where to go if you wanted a refund in the 30 day trial.
          On Thu, Jul 23, 2015 at 7:12 AM, Support at Melanie Tonia Evans wrote:
          Hello Mariane,
          You have notified us past the 30 day money back guarantee period to cancel the purchase.
          Please for your benefit forward me the 2 previous emails you have sent to see if they were in the 30 day guarantee period (they will be in your sent items folder).
          I have checked my emails and cannot see them so I would like to know where you sent them.
          All the best with your healing journey,
          Harry Williams
          Support Team Member
          FOR Melanie Tonia Evans
          International relationship expert, author, radio host
          Founder Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd
          http://www.melanietoniaevans.com (http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/)
          http://www.snapoutofitradionetwork.com/Host_Melanie_Tonia_Evans.html
          support@melanietoniaevans.com (mailto:melanie@melanietoniaevans.com)
          From:
          Sent: Thursday, 23 July 2015 3:14 AM
          To: support@melanietoniaevans.com
          Subject: Re: New Recurring Payment Received – Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd
          I have sent in 2 separate emails to your admin department requesting that you cancel my payments. I have not had any response. Please refund my money, as I am now frustrated and the system has not worked for me.
          Sent from my iPhone

        • talyboleadership@gmail.com'
          Tami
          July 30, 2015

          Mariane,

          You’re entitled to your opinion, but for hundreds of us and maybe more, NARP and Melanie’s program has been the saving grace of our lives. I’m sorry the program didn’t work for you because for many of us, this was the last hope.

          I beg to differ with your opinion that Melanie is “taking advantage of the vulnerable.” Quite the opposite, she has given us our strength back and made us into very strong thriving human beings who are living glorious lives and passing that on to our children and others in an effort to make a ripple in the world where those conscience-less folks are wreaking havoc.

          I’m sorry that this is your experience and I wish you would have reached out on one of the forums if you were having trouble with the program or unable to work through it. Just know that your experience is not the norm for hundreds and maybe thousands of us now, who have purchased the program and gone on to live our dreams.

          I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

        • karenytaylor@gmail.com'
          Karen
          July 30, 2015

          Mariane,

          I read your accusation and know i needed to say something .. because nor only is it completely inaccurate it is also dangerously misleading for others.
          This is my experience with NARP and Melanie. I was one of the many people she has given NARP to for free because of financial hardship.
          I know this happens for others as well because she talks about in her 16 day emails.
          Is this the actions of a woman preying on peoples vulnerabilities???
          I know in my situation 3 months ago I didn’t know if I was going to survive. Today due to Melanie’s NARP Programme and the NARP Forum in just 3 months… not only is my life no longer life and death .. I am also feeling the strongest and most positive I have in my entire life.
          And in the Forum there are these consistent results one after the other! That is not just my story!
          I am so saddened that people like you fall so low with abuse that you become horrendously abusive yourself.
          Do you realise you could be killing people by turning them off Melanie’s program? And how tragic for yourself that you didn’t reach out in the NARP forum to get help.
          Please stop hurting others and heal yourself.

        • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
          JESS M
          March 15, 2016

          Please believe me. NARP is most certainly Not a Scam!! I amd thousands of others have had Very Quickly new lives restored..and pretty quickly.
          It does involve, however, a bit of blind trust to be broken enough; to start trully unpackaging old ways of thinking which; as this BRILLIANT series shows; leads to not just a new Freedom from n abuse but to a Whole new and fab Consciousness which we would Never ever manage So so quickly.
          It is Incredible value but only if you are in a place of seeing you need help. Most of us: myself included have tried Everything to recover. NARP works..I owe Mel my life. I owe ME my life! I am returning and coming home to me..who was lost. I was lost and now I am found. I refound me buried under the rubble of Victimisation and blame and self hatred. I was a ball of pure hatred and rage…and now I see that was what I got back..more of the same!

      • theerealmccoy@yahoo.com'
        Scott McCoy
        August 3, 2015

        Hello Melanie,

        Great article indeed, the information and insights are huge.

        Terrific information throughout….I wish I didn’t need it. But I most certainly do.
        God shot coupled with grace that I came across your site.
        Seek and ye shall find, how true.
        I will heal and be better, what part of myself allowed this unconcious behavior to exist for over 10 years.
        All from I thought, I’ll be better for making her be better all in the name of love. Insane really.
        I can’t fix anyone but myself. I was hooked by the sex and crazy chaos. Almost killed me, it did put me in jail for a few days. Such dark behavior, hard to explain unless you’ve been though any of this.
        The person you love the most, uses intimate personal information against you. Crazy making.
        My fix is, I still love her…hoping she’ll snap out of the fog…while all gets worse and worse.
        Now who’s in the fog now? me. Not anymore – taking care of self now.
        Mental Illness is such a hard thing to cope with.

        Thanks for what you do.

        Many blessings from the SF Bay Area.

        Best,
        Scott

  • sarahwood734@ymail.com'
    Sarah
    July 24, 2015

    Hi Mel.

    Absolutely the truth. It truly sets you free to live your life joyously

    Than you Mel.

    Loads of love.
    Sarah,X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Sarah,

      you are so welcome.

      I am so happy you are living in this joy!

      Loads of love back to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • nywear75@gmail.com'
    Rae
    July 24, 2015

    Hey Melanie

    Great article! Getting rid of the victim mentality was a crucial step before I could get clear enough to even think about taking 100% responsibility for my part in the lifelong pattern of narc relationships and focus on the solution. I don’t even do it perfectly and thats ok, its early days and at least I can recognise when I’m slipping back into it and get back on track and pull myself out of the blame game.
    I am just so grateful to have found you and your work and thank God you have created a process and a tool with QFH and the NARP program to help us and all your amazing research and wonderful website. I have shelves full of self help books, tried a bit of cognitive therapy, trying to find the right healer, person or thing and of course all the addictions (incl the narc) that go with looking ‘outside’ to fill the empty void. Completely misunderstood LOA and ended up going back with him and falling for the hoovers thinking if I just focus on what I want to see…. lol, I am so glad you covered that too in your blogs!
    Its certainly no coincidence my desperation and determination and asking for help to stop this pattern has led me here and through obsessively reading your blog, past articles and signing up to the newsletter for the past few months I have ended the relationship with the narc am doing no contact and have purchased NARP!
    So I just wanted to say thanks …millions! for doing everything you do and let you know one more little soul is heading for consciousness and self love, self acceptance… all that stuff I knew I needed to do to be healthy and have healthy relationships but didn’t know how, or have a tool, tried sooo hard in my head for years but my best thinking won’t get rid of these beliefs that need shifting and nor will staying in a powerless victim mentality! Thank God and you Mel that I get it now! Yayyy take care and love and light and blessings to you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Rae,

      you are so welcome … and absolutely we are a work in progress and always will be ..

      And bit by bit we leave the illusions behind and we are freed. The great thing, is the more we self-partner, we feel the difference .. and we can now love ourselves enough to not beat ourselves up and simply move beyond states that we are very aware feel terrible in our body.

      That makes me so happy that you are embracing the truth of who you have been all along .. A glorious and Divine Being having an incredible journey called Life!

      Much blessings back Rae

      Mel xo

  • Matches737@yahoo.ca'
    Lulu
    July 24, 2015

    Mel, Your website is amazing and so many of your articles have truly resonated so I want to thank you first and foremost.

    But what I still don’t understand is how so many narcissists, who can’t possibly be connected to self, seem to have such seemingly successful lives with regard to career. Narcissists seem to all engage in selfishness, dishonesty and manipulation and therefore must be focusing on these qualities, so why doesn’t this attract abuse or a lack of success for them as well?

    The narcissist in my life, (who I realized was a narcissist thanks to my therapist and your site), is very successful in his career. Yet I discovered the day I left that he’s lived a double life for 20 years so he’s completely false, but he still managed to flourish in his chosen career.

    When he realized his attempts at hoovering me back in weren’t going to work, he said to me with utter contempt, “you’ve always followed the rules in life and look where that got you.” While I understand he has a disordered mind, in theory, it is true that I have followed the rules of honesty and integrity, and he had not. But his career is flourishing while mine is floundering, and has definitely taken a nose dive since I left him.

    I don’t concern myself with his successes out of envy because when I stopped focusing on what the narcissist was doing to me during legal negotiations, my lawyer was able to get me a successful agreement at the last minute and we avoided court. I only think about it as it pertains to my life and how I can apply this to garner my own successful career.

    • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
      jean
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Lulu and Melanie,

      I too have struggled with this. ..

      Ive never thought to myself. ..Revenge from the universe. ..towards any narcissist.

      But I too see this played out.

      Also, my daughter sees this. ..and being a teen of course, appearances are everything. It’s been a real challenge from a parenting perspective.

      Would love to hear your wisdom on this Melanie.

      • Mkhanson0@gmail.com'
        Ann
        July 25, 2015

        I think if it’s a question of more stuff/less stuff, the narcissist wins. But what do kids need? Validation, acceptance, security, love, role models who live joyfully and serenely. They need to know its okay to explore who they are, and follow their own souls guidance, even if it leads to challenging places or fear. Our kids think they need expensive clothes and vacations. The most valuable thing we can offer them is parenting by a healed self.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Lulu,

      this I want you to understand … a deeper understanding …

      That there is only one reason we ever “did anything” or “got anything” and that was to “feel good”.

      Now for all of us, not just narcissists … if we are not anchored in our body and self-partnered, at peace, full and loving ourselves then anything we “did” or “got” no matter how “wonderful” could only ever give us temporary relief from NOT being self-partnered.

      The view you presently have is the most of us fell into – not just regarding the N, but also about ourselves. Its also a belief that creates competition and comparison, and weighing our lives against others.

      As a person who got throttled financially and had two N’s dance off into the sunset with lots of money … I can assure you my ego was tested … and I had a lot of shifting to do on those beliefs in order to see the truth.

      That true love happiness, peace and fullness is NOT conditional, and when we have it for real there is no requirement to do or get anything … everything just adds on the already established state that – thank God – just IS …

      I can assure the N is not living that, and neither presently are you – but you can.

      That higher vibrational state is freedom, joy and true living .. and in that state all we do is bless everyone including N’s wishing the same for everyone … envy, regret, pain does not exist.

      But it takes development …

      When you become authentically “valuable” and “radiant” from within your purpose in the world cannot help but unfold. It will just be more of “you” being “you”.

      The great thing is the painful present belief (as well as possible others) is what is separating you from that.

      Thank him within yourself for exposing it for you, the N hit you with that EXACT comment because he knows it is one of your “gaps” … that was the only reason he used it.

      To sum up Lulu: You can’t “do” to “be” … You have to “be” to “do”.

      Come into my Webinar if you like to learn all about how to really get to that in your body and shift beliefs. Because a whole new reality awaits you on the other side of that belief.

      Does that help?

      Mel xo

  • barbara@bvbmanagement.com'
    Helene
    July 24, 2015

    Mel, You divine oracle !
    What fantastic timing and how true !
    Yes, it hits home and I am very happy to have done my work ( NARP, SE) already and am now experiencing dating again ( and life for that matter) from a different place ; one where I self partner and am learning to stop ingnoring my intuition. Which in hindsight had always worked like charm, I just did not know how to listen to it. I was programmed to think my inner naviation was off and to try with my head to make things work. It didn’t..
    Trying to keep the wheels on for somebody else, wrestling with it, it was a futile exercise.
    I now confront and clarify when the GPS goes off indeed. I do speak u and show up ! and yes, it then only takes a little time for all to become very clear and to easily walk away when nessesary. Leaving issues with the person they are supposed to stay with. Feeling no need to have a person change in order for me to get what want or to feel happy and peaceful.
    I am confident I am on the right track and that the less then desirable dating results I am experiencing currently will improve as I am being clear about what I do and do not want and am able to say no, and most importantly : detach and not get hooked into anything that is not my truth. I just leave it and move on. No fixing, no negotiating, no second guessing myself.
    What a relief !
    Thank you ever so much for your continued work and inspired writing.
    My last breakdown due to a narc relationship (my 2nd) which got my on my knees and made me find your work, ended up finally being my breakthrough.
    I am very gratefull to have found you and have you teach me what I did no know.
    Much much love
    XXX
    Helene

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Helene,

      How gorgeous that you are really anchoring into intuition … and that is such a place (dating) where that is so relevant!

      Good for you Helene!

      I can feel the power in what you are saying about showing up now. A lovely friend of mine has the expression “Big girl pants!” … and I love it.

      I say to myself “Big girl pants”, and then I gloriously show up .. and the results are truly mind-blowingly amazing – compared to the old shut up and hope for the best approach!

      The inner work is soooooo worth it to be freed to that level ..

      Perfect that you too Helene now have that freedom of “take it or leave it” … so liberating … very exciting!

      I am SOOO happy for your Helene, and you are so welcome – always! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • ailise_sinclair@hotmail.com'
    Amber
    July 24, 2015

    I really appreciate this article as it answers some deep longing I have been feeling lately . I think this article sums up the whole point of why we have had this experience. I have been practising the narc recovery program for 2 months now and have had great breakthroughs particulary with my health and general well being . The strange thing is that from being someone three months ago who literally did not even know what a narcissit was , I have now become an expert in the subject and in my own recovery. In saying that I have been meeting women in the last few weeks who are going through narc abuse or are in the process of figuring out what is happening to them . I find myself reaching out sharing my rescources and giving them as much info as I can to help them on their journey but I have been feeling depressed somehow , like what is this all about ? does this mean we are all messed up for life ? how can we step back into our lives with strength and regain some innocence and curiosity that has been lost ? I suppose I have been feeling the trap of how abuse recovery not only brings up the recent narc experience but every past abuse memory and lost parts of ourselves that we have handed over and how we lost ourselves on our way . I have been asking my guides angles whatever they are to start bringing me examples of people in my life that are past the initial shock realization stage but who are at the next level of thriving in their lives. People who have gotten through this dark experience and are now living out their highest potential. This article gave me a complete flash in my body of how this next step is going to feel . I get it … Thank you this is very well articulated .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Amber,

      thank you for your post, and I am so pleased NARP has helped you so much.

      There is a couple of things I want to say as a response .. and the first is … Amber maybe your path is a lightworker and these people are drawn to you because in your yet to be chosen way, you are here to help shift the consciousness of this planet.

      And if that is the case … then it will be really appropriate to shift out the pain and the “feelings” that you have on that now, so that you have clarity about you and your life.

      And of course you have choice …

      Also, it’s early days for you with NARP, and I really want you to understand this, that as we detoxify the abuse out of our cells, literally anything can come up … and it’s our body’s Infinite Wisdom letting us know “what is next” to be shifted.

      And this is where we can snagged up in “analysis paralysis” trying to work it out – yet really the most direct path is to simply take “whatever it is” to Module One, track it through to the body release, and then bring in Source replacement.

      Then you will shift out of the blocks on that topic into your Higher Self expansion on it – which is always you most joyous, whole and expanded state.

      That is exactly what I would do with what has come up for you in regard to what you wrote, and then you’ll feel incredible relief and up-level.

      Plus you will be in a greater state to understand more about “why”. We can only access expanded information when we have expanded enough to receive it.

      That’s what up-levelling is all about.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • my_bba@yahoo.com'
    Hélène
    July 24, 2015

    I like how this shows compassion for the personhood of the narc or other disordered person, without taking one iota of responsibility for their actions from them. They act the way they do becuz of their trauma too. They have the same chance to resolve that trauma as we do. We all do. They will choose not to, again and again. That’s the difference. I will get better. They will continue coping by their cruelty. But they are still a person. We can’t hate them or we ourselves wont resolve and grow.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Helene,

      exactly – we can be love, and love unconditionally from a distance.

      Hate was never the answer.

      Mel xo

  • Sandra@yahoo.com'
    Sandra
    July 25, 2015

    This all sounds pie-in-the-sky amazing and true…until the rubber meets the road and things get daily and practical. You seem to paint a picture of a “fully home” healthy person simply not having any relationship with those who are not. How can we denounce and resist all those people when they are our spouses, parents, siblings, children, bosses, coworkers, and neighbors?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Sandra,

      that “fully home healthy person”, for starters is never “fully home” .. we are always a work in progress.

      The healthy people you talk about reached a point in their life that they showed up very honestly with other people giving them the opportunity to raise up to meet them at a level of respect, love and care (by asking for what they needed pleasantly, solidly and lovingly), continued on with people who up-levelled with them, and either implemented boundaries that created Modified Contact or departed from those who didn’t.

      ALL of us when recovering, if we were serious about our evolution DID this.

      Sandra … do you really think we only had “one” inappropriate person in our life, if we were codependent, had poor boundary function and were not modeling healthy self-love and self-value?

      There are many people in this Community that have (to use one of Matt Kahn’s expressions) had a Narcissist Garage Sale.

      Then the real truth in our self-work was this Sandra … “What is it about myself that I need to heal and up-level that has been reflected back to me as lower vibrational love and value via all these other people?”

      If it all seems to hard, and our souls aren’t worth it, and we don’t reflect back to the common denominator in this life experience that is “ours” .. well than we certainly don’t get the “Pie”.

      I hope that demystifies it all for you.

      Mel xo

  • maryrosejobst@msn.com'
    Maryrose Jobst
    July 25, 2015

    How do you recognize” fear “vs “gut reaction”. They can be very similar.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Maryrose,

      great question!

      I am assuming you mean the False Evidence Appearing Real … version of fear.

      That fear is when a wound within us is triggered and the outside stimulus may not match the inner response.

      Absolutely that can be an inaccurate “trigger” that gets confused with gut.

      There are two very necessary determinants in order to be in our bodies integrated and trusting ourselves.

      The first is the inner work to clean up our young wounds so that we are not nearly as susceptible to being hijacked by our stuff, and the other is showing up to clarify and get more information when we are not sure.

      Which means asking, having the conversations that are “difficult” from a place of honesty .. and doing it as maturely as possible.

      Life is wonderful it shows us all the areas where we get triggered and have “gaps” … when we know how to track them in our body and shift them … and I would always suggest cleaning them up. (NARP)

      So that you are less triggered with “your stuff” and so when clarifying you can do that from the most solid mature container possible that is not going to self-abandon because of fear of rejection, punishment or abandonment (old childhood wounds).

      Then – truly – you are SAFE … even if you do need to clarify.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • locosoysaico36@gmail.com'
        Raul Alberto Sotolongo
        September 29, 2016

        I just want to thank God and the administration

        I just want to thank God and the administrations,willingness en.uthiasm but most of all for speaking truthfully to identify us victims in to the recovery process. Thank you very much.Sincerely, Raul Alberto Sotolongo.

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    July 25, 2015

    I met a real beaut last month, a specialist geriatrician to whom my elderly mother had been referred, well-known, highly lauded, decorated even. Well! Things didn’t go well in his one-on-one with mum (who has a fair degree of dementia) and the mask certainly fell off for my consult! And I’m so pleased to be able to say that I ‘knew’ him almost immediately, rolled with my instinct to give him nothing emotionally, to hold my space, look at him but not into his eyes, take charge and bring our meeting to a dignified close. I’m not perfect – there was a lot of anxiety surrounding this and there was still a bit of the little girl who feared not being believed, heard, understood – but overall I’m really really pleased with how that went. He is a very practised manipulator.

    And I wanted to say thank you. There have been many influences over many years, but especially in the areas of intuition, getting out of the head and into the body, restoring flow to life, I’ve found your healing MP3s to be very helpful. It’s the intuition I’m so pleased about. It spoke to me, and I heard it! I’ve not always been good at that.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Lucy,

      that is wonderful …

      and there was also an exchange of gifts from him to you – not just granting you the gift of trusting your intuition, but also to be triggered enough to know those young wounds can be found and shifted now.

      I love how Life helps us out so beautifully.

      Go get those ones!!

      Mel xo

  • brooklynbrat610@aol.com'
    JR
    July 25, 2015

    Hi Melanie I was having a hard time understanding so many things that are really quite simple, but difficult to accept.The one thing that made me get it is my intuition is there to guide me and I will never ignore it again. The whole article helped me today. Thank you I look forward to more of your posts and healing myself!

  • zirik.dist@yahoo.com'
    StrongerEveryDay
    July 25, 2015

    Melanie,

    My favorite part:

    “A narcissist is a powerless wounded child acting out as a bully to people he or she can drag in and terrorise. If you are healthily anchored in your own body this can’t happen (the taking in), because at the very first warning your GPS signalled to you, you clarify and confront.”

    I’ve been getting in touch with my internal GPS. It’s exciting when it kicks in. It’s like nerve endings reattaching.

    I’m also learning how to detach. And when I see a narcissist act out, it really is like watching a wounded child. And that helps me to not take it personally.

    My only responsibility is to choose whether or not I want to continue contact with these people. I don’t need to sort out their problems for them. I don’t need to be their savior. (I need to let go of the flattery that my nurturing will somehow “cure” them.)

    And above all, I need to make plans for MY life. I’m not a victim. I’m a productive and creative person. And deserve to be around people who appreciate me. And treat me with kindness and respect.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi StrongerEveryDay,

      I feel you breaking free truly ..

      Ohhh it’s there …

      Gorgeous .. perfect, you are connecting to your Inner Being.

      Yaya!

      Mel xo

  • Jodiemccalla@hotmail.com'
    Francis
    July 25, 2015

    This article has been a real truth serum for me.

    I’ve been feeling attacked personally by everyone involved with my narcissist. Its been hurting so badly and reacting out of some real childhood trauma and pain, its been a very ugly experience.

    I fell in love so intensely, I never knew I could let go the way I did and surrender to a person wholeheartedly. When I was rejected and disposed off by my narc I was in so much pain I went blind and my mind blank and instead of staying away and caring for my pain I just kept screaming, crying and putting myself back in emotional abusive situations with the narc where I was being hurt even more

  • Jodiemccalla@hotmail.com'
    Francis
    July 25, 2015

    Continued:

    I’ve become a person I don’t even recognise or like!
    I’ve embarrassed myself, surrendered my dignity and stripped myself of credibility all in the name of calling out my abuser and wanting people to see what I’ve been subjected to!

    The pain is REAL. Its less dramatic in how I play it out however its been so damaging I am concerned that my narcissist is right about my ‘BPD’

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Francis,

      my heart goes out to you – this is exactly how I felt and fell in N-abuse.

      Francis please know people who were / are addicted at the level of you and me act like crazy people … and it looks very BPD.

      But what it really is, is unattended to young inner wounds that are traumatised and trying to assign the narcissist as the parent to fix them.

      That’s the extent of this deadly addiction.

      You can go directly to those wounds and reprogram your subconscious (inner child). That’s what NARP does.

      Please Francis either get the NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm and join the Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member/ which has the most incredible people to help, hold and support you and get you through this time … or / and come into my next Webinar with me http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn all about how to get out of the ghastly clutches of this.

      You can do this … if I could (and so many others) did.

      There is a way to heal I promise you.

      Mel xo

      • Jodiemccalla@hotmail.com'
        Francis
        July 26, 2015

        Thank you for responding Mel.

        I was having a discussion about my situation with a friend of mine and she begun to question why I was so hell-bent on trying to prove myself and defend myself. The conversation made me feel like this is why I attack when backed in a corner… all my damn life I’ve had to fight.
        I’ve nobody to be in my corner for me, it’s just me! I’m an only child so When I was in school and i got into any bother with people they could always say im going to get my brother or sister but I just had me. My friend said why Am I fighting so hard against what’s happened… I said to her if this was you you would have your brother to beat up this guy by now. I just have me! And i don’t even want to fight my narc.

        I fell so in love with him that I felt I didn’t need to fight anyone anymore and if for any reason I needed to defend myself in any situation my soul believed so strongly in him that I thought he would fight for me and with me. And here I am now having to fight against him the man I love and his ex girlfriend who he’s now run back to.

        I am really feeling at a total loss. I feel like he’s laughing at me with others as I act out crazy behaviour that I cant even deny is questionable.
        Each morning I wake my mind is fixated on the situation… What he did, what I did.

        I will look into the links you sent

  • allyson.aka@gmail.com'
    allyson
    July 25, 2015

    Dear Melanie,

    I so agree with what you are saying. However there are circumstances where internal GPS will not suffice; i.e physical abuse that you did not see coming when a housemate or partner has you cornered and has rights to be in your space and will not back down (granted if you had been aware this person would have not been in your home to begin with) or financial fraud from a distant family member that you have no legal authority to confront. In my situation a brother had gotten mother with dementia to grant him power of attorney and guardianship. Legally there wasn’t much I could do about it because by the time I found out hundreds of thousands were gone and third parties had entered the picture leaving me financially destitute and the only caretaker willing to step up to the plate.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Allyson,

      I agree that there are certain things that we don’t see coming.

      Most peeps have experienced “that” on small or large levels.

      My thoughts are twofold ..

      1) I still believe there is Higher Divine Plan that only has evolution in mind. (which becomes apparent when we are evolutionarily minded).

      and 2) Hanging on to resentment, blame and victimhood only holds us back from that Higher Plan and our happiest most joyous Life state.

      Mel xo

  • gloriabarrett@cogeco.ca'
    casparks
    July 25, 2015

    I don’t have a mind set to agree with this as I wait for a judge’s decision in a manipulated court case, that may have a huge effect on my life should this monster receive my retirement after covertly getting tens of thousands from me. I was a good person, not looking for a relationship. He chose me and covertly set about his plan. If he’s really tortured. He doesn’t seem like he’s suffering as he travels the nation, enjoys vacations, attends music concerts and professional sporting events, and drives two vehicles that he got through covert means. Maybe some day I’ll have a better feeling about it, but for now, I’m stuck in limbo over an unresolved case that can have devastating results (176 days waiting).

    • casparks2010@gmail.com'
      casparks
      July 25, 2015

      My apologies for feeling this way. I imagine when I get past this, I will be open more to the ideas presented here, but for now I am affected by the devastation one human being can afflict on not one, but one after another, and have no remorse or reparation. I would like all of these feelings to disappear.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 25, 2015

        H Casparks,

        you don’t need to apologise … it is what it is – and I feel for you – truly.

        It’s a very rare person Caspark that wasn’t throttled .. (I hear you I lost insane amounts of money / property) … and I certainly didn’t feel “okay” about that … Victimhood had me so shattered that I needed to do the work.

        And that’s where you at, you feel throttled, the intense injustice the pain all of it.

        All of us who took the Thriver route didn’t get justice before doing the work … we freed ourselves emotionally DESPITE what happened or WAS happening to us.

        As Mandela said “If I stayed in resentment and pain I would have still been in jail.”

        Only you Casparks can choose when you have had enough of the pain .. truly that is a personal journey.

        When you’ve had enough you will do whatever it takes …

        Mel xo

  • tma88@comcast.net'
    Tina
    July 25, 2015

    Thank you for saving my life. I am awake and free

  • mmaureenpahl@gmail.com'
    Collette
    July 25, 2015

    I am almost fully healed, and all of what you said makes perfect sense.
    Where I am stuck is- I have been single since he left and have no interest in dating men again- and that scares me. I feel as if I will be alone forever- and if that’s meant to be, so be it. I’ve learned to enjoy living alone, almost to the point where I can’t see another person ever fitting in. Is this normal??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2015

      Hi Colette.

      yes it is normal, and what I truly believe about that is – just to “be” love … be love to yourself, love to the people you are already connected to, love to animals, share love with nature … fill with love in prayer, meditation or dance .. spread love every time to connect eyes with someone – from your heart to theirs.

      When we model compassion, love and kindness, our heart opens up like a beautiful flower organically.

      And the more we model showing up authentically the easier it to be safe whilst we love.

      We are anchored in our body taking perfectly great care of ourselves.

      Then truly “love” in all forms as possibilities is yours to connect to.

      So don’t focus on opening up to a partner – open up to yourself and all of life – then that part of it will be a flow on and inevitable.

      Make sense?

      Mel xo

  • kapergee@gmail.com'
    Karen
    July 27, 2015

    Hi Mel,
    The absolute…fundamental…necessary TRUTH! I just started working through Module 1, and this supports and lines up with the concepts very well.

    Love you,
    Karen

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 27, 2015

      Hi Karen,

      So great that you are shifting and feeling this somatically in your body …

      so much “wisdom” starts connecting when our subconscious and conscious minds start getting aligned.

      Love you back dear soul!

      Mel xo

  • talyboleadership@gmail.com'
    Tami
    July 28, 2015

    This program and this philosophy saved my life and taught me how to self-partner and THRIVE beyond belief. If you surrender to the modules and read articles and listen to radio shows and interact with other thrivers and people wholeheartedly going through the program, your life will become unrecognizeably healthy. I and many others are living proof.

  • josie.duncan2012@gmail.com'
    Nicole Parker
    July 29, 2015

    I am struggling to find a therapist here in the US who understands my need to take responsibility for attracting these Narcs. They insist that I am simply the “victim” of bad men but I’m in no way a “magnet” for them. I just can’t belief this, and would like to find someone who believes in the Laws of Attraction & Thriving vs. Surviving, as you do. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you!

    • talyboleadership@gmail.com'
      Tami
      July 30, 2015

      Nicole,

      Thanks for asking. It is very difficult to find a therapist who understands, but even more difficult is for therapy to actually address and heal our wounds. Have you purchased the NARP program? I found more healing through the NARP modules than in years and years of previous therapy. I was finally able to change the patterns and live a completely beautiful new life. You can too!

  • RobynL255@yahoo.com.au'
    Robyn
    August 1, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    As I am reading this post and many of your other posts I can sense the truth in them, that we need to take responsibility for our part in all of this.

    But I am struggling with overcoming my fear of losing my young son to my ex-narc. He uses this against me in order to secure whatever he wants. I would like to believe that I can overcome this fear, however, I have watched the same situation play out with my ex’s narcissistic mother, who absolutely annihilated his father in court by lying and using whatever means necessary to get what she wanted, including custody – and it worked. My ex has told me he would lie and do whatever it takes to get everything he wants too, he is very much like her.

    How can I get past this constant fear when I feel it is not unfounded?

    Robyn

  • antoniodiezargos@gmail.com'
    Antonio
    August 2, 2015

    Hi Melanie.
    i like your work. I am thinking on buying the Narp modules. I have a question to you. I feel both my parents, family are narcissistic. I feel narcissistic too as my gf said it to me (after i told her about npd/codspency she labeleled me as N). Problem is that i was in fact seeing her as NPD because how i felt with her. I have a big infecfions problems that i dont even try to cure wbile beeing around of having comtact with anybody. My question is: have you ever met 2 narcissistic partners? can NPD be cured if that one is me? did you know about the relationship btween celiac and npd?
    thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 2, 2015

      Hi Antonio,

      the truth is all of us N or Codep are acting out of disconnection to ourselves and inner trauma.

      Regardless of the circumstances of the trauma or how we act it out – if we target the trauma in our bodies and up-level it we heal.

      That’s the bottom line.

      What generally separates Ns from Codeps is that N’s will not commit to meeting their Inner Being and doing the work.

      That is the only criteria for getting well.

      I hope that helps.

      Mel xo

  • sonserae@gmail.com'
    Sonny
    August 5, 2015

    This article is truly amazing and paradigm shifting! It is so timely. Thank you so much for writing it. Dealing with an abusive, narcissistic father and narcissistic, pathologicallying lying sociopathic husband at the same time. Trying to move forward and cut them out. Now I have the tools to shut the door, walk away and not be a victim anymore. Thank you!!!!

  • emmaholzer3@gmail.com'
    Emma H
    September 17, 2015

    Dear Melanie,
    I am currently doing “no contact” from my narcissistic parents. When I began to climb out of the dark hole I was in my entire life of being the family care taker- they pushed me back down it by masking their need to be fed by me as “care taking” They told me I had an eating disorder and was crazy. I never did– but similarly to forcing food down a prisoners throat who will not eat at a prison camp they forced me to see nutritionists and therapists. I will never forget leaving the nutritionist and being in my mothers prius. She began to cry and she said, ” But Emma, you’re so perfect. I don’t get why you would do this to yourself. Don’t you see how great you are?” I felt numb. My “eating disorder” was never meant to take care of me– and all of my symptoms therefore of feeling unlovable, and unworthy, and not good enough which I felt like were the fault of my parents I could no longer blame on them. Because Now if i said they way she made me feel FELT insincere, I would only be the even crazier one which would be more proof of my eating disorder! I was absolutely trapped. And I couldn’t move. I felt like the car got a million times smaller and that one conversation altered the course of my life. Now, every time my mom saw me and my eating disorder, she was reminded of look at how great of a mother I am ! Trying to fix my daughter since NONE of what she is going through is my doing! And when I tried to explain myself– my feelings only meant ALSO having an eating disorder. She literally told me I was in denial. So I get addicted to these peptides again, after stopping myself from being addicted and getting out of a very toxic relationship with another narcissist who did not make me feel whole (the only kind of way of “love” that I knew) and then they made me not feel whole again since saying I have an eating disorder is literally saying YOU ARE NOT YOU, YOU ARE NOT WHOLE WITHOUT FOOD! But my question now is, I will be hanging out with friends: and I have a new roommate in college. We were talking yesterday and I felt like I had to prove myself to her– and she said “you don’t have to worry so much about what people think of you!” Immediately I began thinking she must think I have an eating disorder and that theres something wrong with me– so I have to “prove myself” to her. And therefore, take care of her needs while making myself invisible I suppose. And by not wanting to prove myself, that must only mean I do have the eating disorder, and therefore all of my gut feelings are wrong. This inner parent has become so strong. I do not know how to heal this inner child so I no longer look for that unacceptance in other people- and think they think I am crazy and have an eating disorder even when they don’t think so and its just a matter of what my subconscious is looking for. It honestly made it worse that she thought I was fine because it only reinforced this Idea in my mind that it was my own thoughts thinking she must think I have an eating disorder. And therefore, by not acting on that and proving it to her, it only made me crazy. (while making me not feel whole at ALLLLL) (also, the inner parent has gotten so bad that Ill eat when I’m not hungry because of it or far past fullness. I don’t even know what I want when I get to the dining all because it doesn’t even feel like I am feeding me.) :'(

    What are your thoughts on this and how to heal that so I no longer feel like feeling whole and not wanting to prove myself isn’t because I have an eating disorder but because I want to feel whole. And why do you think these thoughts of being crazy to other people and needing to express myself to them in ways which are really damaging to myself and my well being stemming from?
    Thank you!!! I love your blog– the peptide addiction stuff couldn’t be more true. Ive grown a lot just in knowing that.

  • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
    JESS M
    June 7, 2016

    An Incredible totally life changing article. I have despite changing in NARP’s amazing programme; still nursed in my soul a deep self righteousness towards the n. This article blew All my Victim beliefs to bits! …I continued to stay very sick until now.
    Thank you from the bottom of my soul.
    X ♡☆♡Jess M

  • carderswife@gmail.com'
    InProgress
    April 18, 2017

    This sounds like a lot of Scientology to me. Glad people think it’s helping them. For me, knowledge is power. I want to understand what happened. I just can’t move onto another module of myself.

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