There are Solutions

I want to take you on a little bit of an analogy here…

Can you imagine having repeated problems with a car? No matter what work you have had done on the engine, the breakdowns keep occurring.

It seems like every time you think you’re cruising down the road safely and happily again, something goes wrong…

…bringing back the familiar dread of Noooo! Not this again!

What if, though, finally you found the right mechanic, with the right answer, who could solve this problem?

It’s absolutely possible, because I hope, like me, you believe there are always solutions – you’ve just got to find them…

The Real Solutions

The real solutions are in coming into your personal authentic power, which is the opposite of being in the midst and aftermath of narcissistic abuse – which feels incredibly crippled and powerless.

Narcissistic abuse feels horrendous, and of course the ongoing pattern of it in your life – from parent, to partner (and also maybe bosses, colleagues, friends etc.) – all gets beyond a joke. Rather than cave into the horrible cynicism that people are awful, and that you are a continual victim at the hands of monsters without conscience, it truly is time to turn it all around.

This is done by switching your energy, and solutions back to ‘self’. You see, you actually have no power to change anything or anyone outside of your circle of influence – which effectively means that you have no power to change anyone outside of yourself.

• You have no power to…
• You actually have no right to…

The Truth Sets You Free

In order to come into your own power, start with these two points above and own them – and this means claim them as Truth…

If you do, immediately your emotional body will start coming back into its Truth – and it may be frightening at first, because you have been led to believe that your life can improve by trying to control someone else, but when you accept that it can’t and doesn’t, then you begin to gain personal foundation.

Now from this point, it is really important to understand that the longer you research narcissism, the longer you keep you focus on ‘why he or she did that’, and the longer you see yourself as a victim of narcissistic abuse, the longer you are separated from coming back to your true authentic power centre, and finding the solutions that are going to change your life.

It’s important to understand the phenomena of narcissistic abuse, so that you know it is a Personality Condition and that it doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. But then, having done that, leave it alone, because you need to start working at the true solutions for self.

The previous car that I mentioned, is not going to ‘get better’ by putting its focus on the road, other cars, other drivers, or trees beside the road. The car needs to have the work done directly on its motor.

You are no different.

What Doesn’t Help Your Vibration?

If you don’t want to keep reliving the patterns of narcissistic abuse, it is vital to start becoming aware of your vibration.

Do you understand your vibration? Your vibration is your emotions, and they are the language of your soul. Your emotions let you know whether you’re on track, or off track. They let you know if you are getting well and more empowered, or if you’re stuck as a victim in the feelings and pain of abuse.

Can you realise that if you are engaged on narcissistic abuse recovery forums having conversations about narcissistic abuse, how bad it feels and sharing stories, that your energy often feels depleted, anxious and empty? Can you understand that if you sit up for hours and hours researching why narcissists do what they do, and all of the different narcissistic derivatives for hours and hours, that you feel the same way?

It’s a simple Law of Attraction fact – that whatever you focus on brings more of that into your vibration. And your vibration knows this and this is why it starts feeling ‘yuk’ when you continue to keep rolling around in the narcissistic muck.

The Illusion of Protecting Yourself

As human beings we are misled to believe that by absorbing ourselves in more of what we don’t want, that we will be better armed to pick it, defend ourselves against it and avoid it.

Unfortunately this is not the case. The more we feel, are aware of and are vibrating in the pain of what happened to us, the more likely we are to unconsciously keep playing it out, and attracting it into our life.

Knowledge is helpful, but ultimately your best defence is to change you because when your focus, energy and alignment are created with what you do want, then you are no longer a match for what you don’t want.

I have found conclusively, that the people who are experts on narcissists, who have not created the solutions with themself, are still very susceptible to re-live the experience of “why does this keep happening to me?”, because unknowingly they can be blind-sighted (despite their immense knowledge) and attract and allow another narcissist, yet again, in their life.

Please know: Your life is not created logically. It truly is engineered emotionally.

Bringing Your Energy Back to Self

Let’s have a look at how to bring your energy back to self.

This entails understanding the belief systems (engine problems) that have made us susceptible to narcissistic abuse repeat breakdowns.

This starts to get exciting because by understanding these problems you can then start fixing them…

Please be very aware this is not about being ‘defective’. Life is not about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It is about ‘what does work’ or ‘what doesn’t work’ in relation to the life that you truly want to live.

Lovely people often have many ‘tweaks’ necessary to not be susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

I am not suggesting that you’re the one who is ‘wrong’, where I am leading you toward is the understanding that certain aspects within your belief systems don’t work in regard to creating and maintaining healthy, safe love..

I promise you it’s not your fault – society and conditioning modelled you this way.

You see life is based on many illusions that created us as co-dependents and empaths. And this invariably meant that we believed our job was to give and to keep others happy, and that by being this “good” person that we would be loved and accepted in return.

It’s a lovely theory, but truly in regard to attracting narcissists, it’s a sad and devastating recipe for abuse and disaster.

By becoming co-dependent, you lost a sense of ‘self’. This meant that you did not know that you were capable of ‘holding and trusting’ yourself in times of pain. You believed (due to enmeshment with others) that other people were responsible for your happiness and well-being, and that it was your job to make them happy, safe and responsible enough to supply you with your great life.

You believed that your life, security, happiness and well-being was dependent on what this person was or wasn’t doing. Absolutely as a child this was very true, you were precariously dependent. As an adult you’re not – even though it feels like you are…

See how messy it starts becoming?

Men and women (and goodness was I one of them!!) who are susceptible to narcissistic abuse have the following characteristics:

They:

• Have problems asserting their own needs and rights
• Find it hard to say “No”
• Believe it is their duty to give
• Can easily feel guilty and take the blame in order to keep the peace
• Feel dismayed and incensed by people that don’t have the same level of morality, integrity and values
• Feel mortified if people don’t think you have integrity
• Model how they feel on how other people around them feel
• Believe a love partner is responsible for their well-being
• Feel terrified about being strong and capable enough to make life work alone
• Believe it is their job to sort out and fix other people’s life
• Will hang on whilst being abused, rather than break away and honour self
• Struggle to define and uphold personal boundaries, and will hand over self, energy and resources rather than risk abandonment, criticism or not being loved.

…and this list goes on and on…

Again I will empathise, you are not a bad person. This list is often a description of the nice person. You may righteously want to remain this person, and think that everyone else (especially narcissists) should change – but I promise you, that if you adamantly take this standpoint – you are going to lose.

You have just set up a world of good guys / bad guys with leaving yourself totally open to keep suffering at the hands of the bad guys.

It is not up to the bad guys to change in order for you to have a better life and love experience. Why Not? Because the bad guys are NOT you! They are NOT having your life experience, and they are NOT responsible for it.

Can you imagine saying “I’ll never be happy while he or she is a narcissist?” or “I’ll never be safe and happy while there are bad people in the world?” Good luck with that! I REALLY hope you can see how powerless and self-defeating that is!

How to Change

Okay, so back to YOU! (Which is where your true power and ability to change is going on)…

Truly I don’t want to give the bad guys too much energy, because really they don’t deserve it – but YOU do!

Let’s go back to the list…the list of the nice person, who desperately needs to smarten up their personal boundaries, and personal power…

Personal power looks like this:

• I can assert my own needs and rights.I will so do without justifying, without long winded explanations, and because I know I deserve to have rights. If people in my space do not have the resources to respect these rights then they are not a match for me. People with the resources to be real and respectful will enter my reality instead.
• I can say “No”.When I say “No” I no longer mislead myself and others by saying “Yes” when I don’t want to. I no longer carry resentment, and I no longer feel drained. By stating a well-placed “No” I now have the energy to state “Yes” and live it as truth, doing a wonderful job with what is true for me and others. If people don’t respect my “No” then they are not a match for me.
• I will give when appropriate and to people who take responsibility for themselves. I will no longer give to others who are not in their power, and enable their poor behaviour and lack of accountability by taking responsibility for them. I will no longer be blamed for their downfalls. I acknowledge that when I give to others who don’t have the resources to give to themselves, it equals ‘how to lose’, because they don’t have the resources to give genuinely to anyone, let alone me. Therefore I will give to myself first and then outpour my giving when appropriate, knowing I also deserve to receive.
• I will stop feeling guilty and taking the blame. I will be clear and understand what is ‘my stuff’ and what ‘your stuff’ is, and I will take responsibility for my stuff, and allow you to process your stuff. I will no longer hand my power over as an attempt to avoid criticism or abandonment.
• I will accept that there are many people in the world with different values and levels of morality.I will align with people who have values compatible with my own, and leave alone people who have values I find unacceptable. I love everyone and everything unconditionally and bless and allow everyone’s journey regardless of what that may be.
• When I know who I am, and believe in myself I know what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and their version of me does not change the way I feel about myself. There is no need to change anyone’s opinion in order to feel safe. I am free to be myself, and attract and create more of me.
• I know that I am capable of being in my True Centre regardless of where others may be. I can assist if asked, and if it’s safe and appropriate to do so. I can allow people to be ‘down’, ‘sad’, ‘angry’ etc, and know that my energy does not have to suffer as a result.
• I know that no-one is responsible for my life and my well-being, because I am. If a person is not a match, or does not have the resources to add to my definition of happiness and well-being – then I am betraying myself by trying to force them to be my ‘script’ for them. No-one has the power to hurt me, unless I allow them to.
• I am the creator of my life, and I have the resources and truth within me to combine with life in order to make my life work.And so it is!
• I have no right to invade other people’s lives in order to change or fix them to the version that I believe they should be.My life is my job, and I can allow others to be whoever they need to be, and then decide whether or not this is my reality.
• If I fight with an abuser, and try to stop the abuse by staying in the abuse, I am abusing myself. If I was standing in the path of an avalanche, I would get away and take myself to safety. I affirm that I will do the same if being abused.
• I understand that knowing and implementing boundaries is vital and is my job.I will no longer hand my self, energy and resources over to the detriment of myself. If people don’t respect my boundaries, and try to force me to give up my own energy and rights, then they are not a match for my reality. People that respect my boundaries and have the resources to honour me, as I honour myself, will be my reality.

Can you see what a difference this would make? Can you see how this would change your life beyond description?

Can you see how this would put a stop to your pattern of being narcissistically abused?

Can you see how by honouring yourself and being in your personal power how you would command respect, love, commitment and truth from people that have the resources to be that, and you would stop playing with people that don’t?

You Will Become Even More Loving and Giving

Please don’t for one moment think by coming into your True Power that you will stop being a loving, giving person!

In fact you will be a healthier, more loving and giving person, who would serve yourself and life in so much better ways. You will be able to give more genuinely, because your energy is not depleted, resentful or uncomfortable, and you will stop enabling people to not be accountable.

You will no longer be a target for abuse, and you will inspire others in your energy to step up and start taking responsibility for their life, their self-esteem and their True Self.

Imagine how much healthier and happier it is, to give of yourself safely and authentically to yourself, your family, your loved ones, your friends and the community. Imagine interacting with individuals and communities who are also genuine, which means you will begin to receive love, support and commitment from life.

All because you created this change…

Being Accountable and Working on it

Can you see now what the true solutions are? Can you see that no matter how much information you obtain about narcissists, what to look for, who they are and how they operate is not going to stop the pattern?

Can you understand that by doing ‘outer information’ only that you are avoiding the true work on yourself that will set you free?

Can you understand that somewhere, somehow, you have to commit to your journey of self to change this?

The people who stop their cycle of abuse accept it 100%.

This is what you have to accept – that the chinks in your boundaries and personal power have made you a target for repeat abuse – and I promise you, this is why this has kept happening to you.

It happened to me – time and time again…

It happens to so many others time and time again…

That is, until you break the cycle for good.

Making the Commitment

Breaking your cycle of abuse can take lot of commitment and it can be hard work. It took me 2 years to find the formula that worked for me.

If you feel that some extra guidance and support could help you, I can give you my formula that has helped hundreds of individuals recover from their abusive pasts in a much shorter time than it took me.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program was developed using the formula from my own healing journey and has been put together to provide genuine recovery from narcissistic abuse for anyone worldwide.

99% of people that start the program gain at completion:

Detachment from narcissistic pain

The ability to release co-dependency and create empowered boundaries

The alignment of their True Self

And best of all you can try without any risk, because If you don’t recover you can keep the program without paying anything at all.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. So have a look for yourself.

Yes, I’d like to have a look at the program
The New Life Newsletter is undergoing a slight change in format. I will be increasing the amount of emails with lots of new exciting things such as helpful articles, podcasts and much more…

I want to continue to provide as much to the community as possible and I hope that this new format should facilitate that perfectly.

If you have any feedback on future blog articles and emails I would be very grateful to hear it on the blog.

When we end a relationship with a narcissist – it can be a terrible and painful experience to realise there is no closure.

There is no “I’m sorry, I treated you terribly”, there is the absence of “I realise that if I had done things differently we could have worked”, or “The way I treated you was disgraceful”. Often, horrifically, there is no explanation for the cruel ability to abuse and manipulate you, and then discard, abandon and move on as if you never existed.

Most narcissistic abuse sufferers struggle terribly with this – and experience the anguished feelings of “What did I REALLY mean to him or her?”

These feelings of non-closure can create a powerful hook, whereby you feel like you are waiting for some sense of closure. You may feel like you deserve an apology, some sort of explanation, or even some evidence that the narcissist’s life is miserable now that you’re not in it.

From where you’re sitting, it feels like none of this exists, and it may even feel like you’re stuck and you can’t move on without this closure. How do you get on with your life when you can’t have closure?

Additionally, you gave so much of yourself, and to what avail? Not to mention the horrific loses that you experienced along the way. And the narcissist has skipped off into the horizon, continuing life as normal without even skipping a beat. Where is the justice?!

Insult is added to injury when you start experiencing: the more you want closure from the narcissist, the less you get it…

For many people, after suffering a narcissistically abusing relationship, it feels like you have been punished, that life has dealt you a terrible blow – and you are desperate for some form of closure…

You may call, text or write letters to the narcissist, venting your feelings, fishing for answers, trying to coerce him or her to respond like a normal human being, force some accountability, and you may spew forth your pain to try to activate some sort of guilt.

However, no matter what you try, it doesn’t work; leaving you even more desperate for closure.

It’s a horrible, vicious cycle.

Human Closure Versus Narcissistic Closure

Closure may be possible if you were dealing with a normal human being, because the fundaments of normal human interaction are about having a conscience, and possessing the ability to consider other people’s feelings.

There are relationship endings that do exist whereby one or both parties has genuine concern in regard to creating closure, decency and respect when going separate ways.

This, however, is not the narcissistic reality.

Do you believe ‘everything happens for reason’?

I do, and I have found that this acceptance is one of the biggest keys in recovering from narcissistic abuse. I’m coming up to that part soon…

As you well know by now, the narcissist does not have this functionality – and no matter how much you would like him or her to grant you something, anything to help you gain closure – the narcissist has no perception, or desire to do that.

In fact your trying to gain closure keeps offering the narcissist A Grade Narcissistic Supply. It supplies attention, and the ability for the narcissist to feel incredibly important that you are so affected by what he or she has done.

Let’s face it, in the midst of narcissist abuse you met head on with lack of accountability, zero conscience and a total lack consideration for your feelings. If you didn’t receive decencies then, why would you now? Nothing has changed…

I know that we all have had the hope that somewhere, somehow the narcissist will get it…genuinely get it…and that this would mean, one day after breaking up, you would receive sanity, ownership, signs of regret and remorse…

In fact you may have seen these things before, but you know it doesn’t hold, and therefore these feelings are not genuinely felt or owned by the narcissist, and certainly are not, and will not be applied in his or her life, or dealings with you.

True Closure

Now I’m going to get to the ‘everything happens for a reason’ part. And this is crucially important because if we don’t believe everything happens for a reason, then we remain a victim.

Being a victim creates powerlessness.

Why? Because we are choosing to believe that life is non-sensical, random and cruel, and we are powerless in a threatening version of life. In fact we feel so powerless that we have to wait for external situations to fix the way we feel about life and ourselves.

This is incredibly fragile, precarious and dependent on things and people that we have no control over, simply because anything outside of our ‘self’ cannot be controlled.
The only control we ever have is with ourself.

There is no denying that narcissistic abuse is one of the most (if not the most) empowering opportunities (via total emotional devastation) to get aligned with your essential Life Truth that will set you free in every area of your life, and not just within relationships.

This truth is: The Creation Of Your Life Is Never Dependent On What Someone Else Is Or Isn’t Doing.

Through the experience of narcissistic abuse you were pulled out of your own power, and your entire feelings of Survival, Security and Identity became what the narcissist was or wasn’t doing.

This created your state of already existing codependency to be highlighted significantly, and allowed you to be abused.

When we recover from narcissistic abuse truly all of the illusions that something or someone outside of us is responsible for our state of self are released – because at True Self level anything or anyone else is ABSOLUTELY NOT responsible for us.

Your True Closure is this:

• What happened was meant to be for very important reasons.
• You hadn’t previously realised that your own lack of self-worth, self-love and poor boundary function attracted, allowed and enabled this to happen.
• Without this experience you would never have been able to clean up what you needed to in order to become empowered.
• You absolutely do have the resources within yourself and available in life to do this essential work on yourself.
• You can now become dedicated to yourself in order to create the life that is truly aligned with what you want, and
• This needed to happen, in order for you to create that alignment.

From where you are right now, this may seem to be a Quantum Leap – and I promise you, I’ve been there, I know what that feels like.

I can totally assure you, however, that when you do the right work on yourself, which is about claiming and healing your unhealed parts, that you will be grateful – incredibly grateful. Because you will know that your narcissistic abuse situation was in fact a co-created dance of divinity that allowed you finally to come home to yourself.

You will also know that there are no victims and no villains, and that you soul is always creating perfectly the circumstances and situation necessary for you to heal and become aligned with Who You Really Are. There are NO mistakes…

By accepting and knowing all of this you will be free to move forward and create…

and you will 100% know…

No-One Owes You Anything! It’s Not Their Job!

You owe YOU everything, and when you get THAT Right, you will effortlessly attract those people that add more of the same, and no longer play, struggle and obsess with those that don’t and can’t.

If you found this article helpful please join over 20,000 people who receive weekly guidance on how to not just survive… but thrive after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which lay out the vital first steps you need to take in order to recover.

You can sign up for free here.

Please feel free to post your comments in regard to your experiences of non-closure with the narcissist and how you feel about this topic…