So many people ask – How can I be sure?

I want you to be very clear on what I am about to state. It’s actually not important whether someone has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or whether they don’t or are displaying enough narcissistic traits to make your life painful or unbearable. What is important is that you are aligned with and living the life you wish to live and creating that truth by holding powerfully to that truth – no matter how hard that may be to do ….

Most people have some narcissistic traits, and it is normal to have exhibited narcissistic behavior at some point in their life. However, there is a big difference between normal people who are capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their behavior and those with NPD who are incapable of this.

I am aware that this person, at some point, seemed like the love of your life, and the temptation is to try and help this person change their narcissistic behavior and recover. The problem is that some people take the N’s word immediately, only to be set up for another soul-destroying experience.

In this article, I will show you how you can use the most powerful tool in your arsenal—boundaries—to find out if this person is capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their actions without risking another experience that could cost you your soul, mental well-being, and even life.

Nothing is worse than being set up maliciously by someone you believed you could trust, someone you love, and someone you thought loved you and had your best interests at heart.

It is a highly traumatic experience ….

Do you want to have that happen to you again at the hands of this person?

Clearly – NO!

I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behavior, have had their near-death experience (wake-up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy to address their inner toxic issues causing their selfish behavior, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive and loving partners – and even spectacular ones.

It’s not the norm, but it can happen – if this person has the resources and does not have NPD.

There is a massive difference between a person who has misbehaved, takes full responsibility, and does everything in their power to heal and another who stays stuck in non-accountability, projection, and poor behavior.

If this person has the resources to heal and re-create themselves as a stable partner with integrity for you, you must make a lot of this shift.

But it won’t be due to you “fixing” this person.

It will actually be a result of you “fixing yourself.”….

Therefore, don’t wait around, research articles, and obsess about whether or not your narcissistic partner is or isn’t capable of healing and amending their ways.

Instead, live your truth powerfully.

THEN you will find out ….

A little further in this article, I’m going to explain how you can do that ….

Before I do that, I would like to share my opinion regarding the people for whom I truly feel there is little or no hope.

Which Narcissistic People Are Extremely Unlikely To Heal

• Pathological liars
• Serial sex addicts
• Those resistant to having any therapy, or who denounce therapy after one or only a few visits, or who use therapy as a “trick” to make you assume they are changing, or who use joint therapy experiences without accountability to devalue you as the partner (you’re the defective crazy person)
• Physical abusers
• Those who display a distinct lack of empathy
• Individuals who display regular criminal, sociopathic, or psychopathic behavior

Suppose your narcissistic partner or ex-partner fits into any of these categories. In that case, I believe the chances of reform are incredibly slim, and I would suggest moving on and continuing to move on. This is my opinion based on what I have observed over the years. If you believe otherwise, that is fine.

What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?

• Hitting rock bottom due to “loss” – generally, this loss will be you.
• Full and ongoing ownership and accountability of what they have done, the issues they have, the damage created, and total remorse for their narcissistic actions
• Ongoing and committed therapy that he or she is doing as an integral part of their personal journey, as a “have to” and a “want to” do
• Repairing any damage they have inflicted to the best of their ability – including financial damage
• Complete focus on caring about you and wanting to support you and help you feel safe in the relationship rebuild
• Granting consistency and full disclosure of their life, the actions match the words.
• Ability to grant you the time and space to heal and connect at your pace
• Not displaying entitlements, jealousy, or revenge concerning any relationship opportunities you may have pursued in your time apart – instead, accepting that it’s because of their behavior that you were in that position
• Willing to talk to anyone else in your life who doubts them, has been damaged, or has fear for your well-being while conducting themselves in total humility and accountability to help support you
• Loving you enough to want you to be happy with or without them in your life (not making it about them)
• Asking you to lay boundaries such as financial or relationship contracts to prove commitment and to help you feel safe (if applicable)

What you read above may be outlandish or even seem incredible. I promise you some individuals have treated their partners abusively and have risen from their narcissistic actions to become the men and women I am describing above.

Quite frankly, their partners, after losing trust and having their hearts smashed, should know that it is only with these types of actions that you can be safe to trust this person again. Also, nothing less than full accountability, actual boundaries, and compliance with these boundaries is going to ensure that narcissistic behavior does not happen again.

And you should never engage again unless you receive this authentic sincerity.

These traits (all of them are necessary), are the only way you will know that your partner in fact does not have NPD.

Narcissistic Supply or Genuine Remorse and Rebuild?

We all know narcissists often don’t like letting go. We know they can say precisely what we want to hear, cry, plead, and promise the world.

Narcissists love “hoovering” (sucking you back into the relationship to get a narcissistic supply); in fact, it is one of their most practiced and perfected games. The intent behind the “I love you, I can’t live without you” is not the accountability to transform into a loving, safe, healthy partner – the intent is to get you back into the narcissistic, malicious web. In such cases, it has nothing to do with “love;” it is all about feeding the narcissist’s insatiable ego.

You see, it is an enormous insult to a narcissist for a previous partner to move on and create a life without them ….

Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse

 1. DON’T take this person on their word immediately

Tell him or her, “I still love you” (if that’s how you feel), but state firmly, “I can’t trust you, and I would never consider this relationship again unless I could.”

Now, you have thrown down the challenge. If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they must prove they can be trusted.

2. DON’T grant this person a chance until they “crack” and hit “rock bottom.”

Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out a lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff onto you. Narcissistic behaviors are created from fear and ego, and egos are powerful. They need to crack open with pain to be addressed and healed; otherwise, the show of “love” and “remorse” will only be a band-aid that will not hold.

3. DON’T accept any suspected narcissist who is not committed to ongoing therapy and personal development

Decent people (who can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly) who accept that their behavior is defective and that their life is not working for them, and others want to fix their issues. Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and is not committed to granting you safety and trust.

4. TEST the accountability and remorse

People who hurt you are never safe unless they provide genuine accountability and remorse. Those who can’t are absolute repeat offenders waiting to happen – guaranteed. If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.

Projections, blame-throwing, and excuses are unacceptable—even spasmodic. They either accept that what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.

5. KNOW the difference between being “about you” or being “about them.”

If you have been abused, it is time to be “entitled.” You are learning that to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love, and support, you have to be it and live it. Watch the suspected narcissist at his or her version of a rebuild. Believe me, it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if you consider taking this person back.

Is this person consistently caring about you? Do they state things like, “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that,” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. I want you to talk it out and feel safe?”

Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants, the demands, aggression, projections, blame-throwing “poor me,” and guilt trips start again?

6. TRUST how it feels

As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away, go back to no contact, and hold your powerful personal boundaries.

Remember – Narcissistic abuse is not your reality ….

The Million Dollar Question

Now, I hope you realize the question isn’t “Does he or she really have NPD?” The question is: “Is this person going to step up and become a healthy, safe partner?”

You will never know the answer to that question until it does or doesn’t happen. If you don’t see this happening – your answer is “No.” If it hasn’t and isn’t happening right here / now, the answer is “No” unless it ever happens, and the answer may change.

In the meantime, you are living your life in truth and alignment …. Seek out people and a life that aligns with truth, integrity, love, and support, and accept NO LESS.

We can’t create that reality any other way.

Indeed, you never will create a healthy, safe love reality by accepting someone in your life who is abusing you without them performing the above necessary criteria.

If your situation is not about the possibility of getting back together with a narcissist but more about presently being with a narcissist who you wish could change – leave him or her, set the parameters, and find out if this person is natural, if the love is real, or whether it was an NPD relationship.

Be clear that you deserve nothing less than real love and truth, and hence why the boundaries I have described are crucial, absolute, and completely necessary.

People who reunite with narcissists without establishing and sticking to boundaries always run a considerable risk of stepping back into even worse abuse than they initially walked away from ….

This is another life and death – make-or-break deal… totally.

Know that if you do accept abusers in your life without them proving their integrity and safety, you are abusing yourself.

As we know, narcissists often act in ways that defy all definitions of normal. They regularly break the rules, tell lies, break promises, degrade, demean, and exhibit unjust, aggressive, and abusive behavior that is inappropriate, childish, without remorse, and totally inhuman.

It’s likely, if you have suffered narcissistic abuse, that you have a high level of integrity, and you’re likely known as a person who does the right thing. You have a conscience, and because you do, you’re mindful of considering your environment and other people.

Therefore, you will be dismayed and even regularly incensed by the narcissist’s inability to conduct themselves appropriately or abide by basic human morality and decency.

You will likely fight for decency and morality. Before long, you’ll find yourself lecturing and prescribing ‘correct behavior’ as if talking to a 5-year-old.

YOU act responsibly and uphold your integrity; therefore, why shouldn’t THEY?

Life with a narcissist is like a bag of tricks and a box of chocolates. You never know what will morph out of thin air or be unwrapped next. You are constantly on edge, walking on broken glass and suffering from high levels of anxiety. Understandably, you want the instability and madness to stop…

Forcing accountability logically seems to be the answer so that the crazy feelings and fear can end.

Your Integrity Is Used Against You

It’s extremely important to know the strength you possess – integrity is, in fact, one of the greatest weapons that the narcissist uses against you. Firstly, understand that narcissists purposefully target people who have high levels of integrity.

The reason is he or she knows:

• You will take responsibility for cleaning up the messes that the narcissist creates.
• You will typically work overtime cleaning up these messes.
• You are the perfect person to blame because you vehemently try to prove your integrity to the narcissist rather than leave despite the abuse.
• By focusing on trying to get the narcissist to act like a responsible and considerate adult, you will hand over lots of much-needed narcissistic supply (attention).
• The narcissist can accuse you of a lack of integrity in any area you pride yourself in – (being a good parent, a caring role model, a pet lover, an honest business person etc., etc.), which grants omnipotent delight when the narcissist views how much this maims you.
• You will be a partner ‘who loves and cares,’ willingly sharing your resources, time, support, and money.

By preying on your need for integrity, the narcissist has set you up to lose your mind. The more he or she attacks and pillages supply and resources from you as a result of your high levels of integrity – the more you will try to righteously force the narcissist to be accountable. In fact, you may go out of your way to prove a point and do the ‘right thing’ – to set the right example, hoping that the narcissist will learn and start acting like a decent person.

The narcissist, by the very definition of what a narcissist is, does not want to be accountable, does not want to ‘play fair,’ does not want to conform, and does not want to ‘do the right thing.’A narcissist believes playing by the rules makes him or her like everyone else.

In fact, the narcissist watches you doing all of the ‘right things’ and inwardly laughs about how pathetic you are for doing it and loves it because it gives him or her ample opportunity to keep mining supplies. In contrast, you keep trying to force him or her to be as ‘good’ as you.

The narcissist believes ‘being good’ would mean being reduced to a mere human, swallowed whole, and controlled by the system. The narcissist thinks this will create vulnerability and take away his or her ‘edge’ of remaining separate, having the upper hand, and securing a narcissistic supply. To co-operate means he or she will have no way to steal energy to fill up the empty, painful void within – which would spell emotional annihilation.

You must understand that there is no way to make the narcissist accountable – and trying to is one of the greatest hooks that are keeping you stuck in abuse.

The Deadly Dance

A horrible addiction process occurs when you try to exert control over the narcissist’s actions and demand his or her accountability. In fact, the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more you lose control of yourself.

As your focus on trying to make the narcissist ‘normal’ and ‘decent’ intensifies, the more you expose yourself to the mind-bending twists and turns, the insane behavior, and the intense gas-lighting, maneuvers, projections, justifications, and downright lies that will tear your self-esteem and self-belief apart.

Before long, you will think you are losing your mind, and you find that you can barely function. As the process intensifies, you will feel so empty, tormented, and anguished that you may feel like life is not worth living.

I promise you the strongest, most intelligent people with high integrity suffer the most in this deadly dance. Be very aware you can’t win this game with the narcissist – and trying to win will just grant A-Grade supply to the narcissist every step of the way.

The Narcissist Fights Dirty

The need for integrity creates the perfect forum for the narcissist to unleash his or her most powerful arsenal. Within arguments, he or she has a wide-open playing field with no boundaries. This is like a bloodthirsty game of mortal combat with no rules. The narcissist has no conscience, so an endless amount of nasty tools are readily available.

These include:

• Outrageous lies to gain whatever goal the narcissist has in mind.
• Gas-lighting techniques to get you to doubt yourself.
• Imagined allies to back up his or her claims.
• Malicious comments to maim you.
• Attacks on your integrity to disarm you.
• Expert projection is to determine what he or she did your fault.
• Purposeful, outrageous, and childish, non-sensical comments to incense you.
• Refusal to remain on the topic at hand.
• Insistence on boundaries within the conversation, granting him or her all the rights to continue speaking and you none.
• Discard and abandonment techniques regardless of the state you are in. (The more distressed you are, the more delight in abandoning you).
• Attacking you regarding your distress, hysteria, or anger within the argument.
• The ability to use any of the above (plus more) to purposefully punish you and create the highest level of anguish possible.

No human being is a match for these tactics. Suppose you do try to match the narcissist’s game with any of the narcissist’s tactics. In that case, the narcissist immediately pounces on your lack of integrity, which throws you into despair: The narcissist doesn’t believe I am a decent person (this destroys your soul and mission to ‘change’ the narcissist …), or you will feel the incensed mind-bending rage of: Who are you to accuse me of lack of integrity?

Whichever way it goes, you end up battered and distraught, and the narcissist obtained a narcissistic supply and the omnipotent knowing that he or she can have this effect on you…

You can’t shrug off allegations like the narcissist can. The narcissist, once securing you in their life, actually doesn’t care whether or not you think the narcissist is a good person. The narcissist is simply in the game for the two reasons that narcissists interact with anyone:

1) To secure narcissistic supply, and

2) Having a person to hurt to offload their tormented inner self.

You have to accept that the narcissist simply does not hold or even care about the model of love and relationships that you do. His or her values, needs, and neuron brain pathways are miles apart from yours.

The More you Need, the Less You Get

At the time of entering the argument, you will feel that you were seeking accountability for a specific issue – now, as a result of the argument, you will feel totally unsafe and need accountability for all the brutal abuse that occurred within the argument as well.

The more you try to gain accountability, the less you receive it, and the more accountability you need—and the vicious cycle expands and broadens until it is literally ripping your life apart, with no way out if you continue.

You know when you are disintegrating and completely losing yourself because this is when you start acting like a crazy person. You may call the narcissist twenty times in a row and start seeking people in his community to tell them the truth about the narcissist. You may be constantly checking the narcissist’s Facebook, phone records, and contacts about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, and your whole life becomes obsessed and totally taken over by the need to get accountability.

This is the exact opposite of where you want to be. With your focus utterly obsessed with what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, he or she has you right where they want you – detached from your True Self.

You can no longer supply yourself healthily with your basic emotional needs, sustenance, and safety, and you can no longer effectively look after your practical and even survival needs. You may find eating, sleeping, paying bills, and functioning virtually impossible.

How to Drop the Need for Accountability and Reach Acceptance

Read the following very carefully. This is your truth.

Understandably, you will be operating from the mind-bending pain: ‘You should or should not be doing this!’ and ‘How on earth can somebody do what you do?!’

This may seem correct at a human and logical level, but this does not help you create a healthy and accountable life with accountable people.

One of the most significant fundamental lessons of life and intense learning curves that we are forced to face as a result of narcissistic abuse is this: People can be and do whatever they want to be and do. This lesson of acceptance is one of the most essential when recovering from narcissistic abuse.

There are only two ways we can live our life. These are:

1) Resistance, or

2) Acceptance.

When we judge something as wrong, we have set ourselves up energetically (energy being the true ‘note’ that creates our reality). My experience is wrong because of this thing being wrong, and therefore, I have to make it right in order to be Okay.

For example, if you do something bad to me and I decide to be affected by it ( a normal human reaction), I’ll replay it in my mind, and every time I do, I feel the pain of what you did to me. You are, however, no longer standing there and doing ‘it’ to me. I am actually free to get on with the truth of my life, but I can’t now because what you did was ‘wrong’.

I have assessed that my life can’t be ‘right’ now because you exchanged with me in a’ wrong’ way. Your ‘wrongness’ has now become my ‘wrongness’ (I took it on), and it can’t be fixed until I change you from being ‘wrong’ into ‘right.’

Understandably, this is very POWERLESS. I have no power to change you. And If I try to, I can’t have a ‘right’ life until I change you from being ‘wrong.’ The truth is I’ll be having a ‘wrong’ life forever…

Why? Because even if I could force you to change into ‘right’ (highly unlikely and impossible when dealing with a narcissist), more and more ‘wrong’ people would still keep coming into my experience and keep doing ‘wrong’ things to me…

Why? That sounds crazy! Why would I keep attracting the ‘wrong’ behavior I detest so much?

The answer is simple. It’s because I have an intense focus and dislike (judgment) of ‘wrong.’ I take it personally. I make other people’s behavior about me and judge who they are. I try to fix them and change them in a futile attempt to make me happy rather than take responsibility for being the Creator of myself.

…all because I have not as yet learned the vital SOUL LESSON of acceptance and unconditional love, which is:

“I love you and all of life enough to allow you to be whoever you want to be on your journey, and I love myself enough to choose the TRUE journey for me. Therefore, if we are not a match, thank you for showing me what I needed to heal within myself. I can let go and allow us both to experience the journey that is our choice as it stands right now.”

Whenever we judge something as wrong, we resist it. By resisting it, we think we are saying ‘No’ to it—yet in reality, we are saying ‘Yes’ and bringing it into our experience. Resistance hooks us into the fight of trying to change something that is ‘wrong’ into being ‘right’ and pollutes our being and experience with ‘wrong’ in the process.

True Acceptance does not mean tolerating – it means the exact opposite. Acceptance means we observe the narcissist’s behavior and accept that the narcissist does what he or she does because he or she is a narcissist. With this acceptance, you will no longer have the need to change or fix the narcissist for your own well-being.

The gift of learning how to stop trying to get accountability is the peace and acceptance that we are Unlimited Beings with all of life’s resources at our disposal. We don’t have to try to force unmakeable deals to work because there is plenty more of what we really want available in life.

You need to establish that you DO have the resources within you to create your own truth and fullness. You can allow others to be whoever they wish to be, and if who they are or what they do does not align with your Truth, then that person does not need to be your reality. Leave and stop participating and put your focus fully on creating what it is that you want.

If this article resonated with you, I would love you to register for my free 16-day recovery, ‘You Can Thrive Program.’ In this course, I share my healing system, Quanta Freedom Healing™, which has allowed thousands of people from over 50 different countries to break free from narcissistic abuse and start new lives filled with abundance, freedom, and joy.

Please click here to reserve your space for this free event.

I hope this article helped you realize how much damage fighting for accountability is causing you. Next time you judge someone or their actions as ‘wrong,’ remember to apply acceptance instead. Everyone is making their own journey in their own way, given their world map. Now, set yourself free to choose your truth regardless of what this person is or isn’t doing, and if their truth is not a match for yours, it certainly does not have to play any part as your truth anymore.